#criticise them and will endlessly reassure them if they ever do get any

[chisatowo]

Softie doodle

#keese draws #oc art #ocs #oc posting #eternal gales #I love this bastard soooo much theyre like one of my favorite eternal gales characters #and they also dont exist by the time the story starts dgmdgdkdh #theyre a main character in my heart ok </3 #they kinda suck but its complicated #they do care genuinely abt the ppl around them and only want to do good for them but their friends also very much overly worship them #that combined with their relative fame means that they dont rly have a strong sense of boundaries or tone since most ppl refuse to #criticise them and will endlessly reassure them if they ever do get any #and thats like how they grew up so they rly dont realise just how bad for them it is #its not until we get to the proper timeloop zone that they start rly getting hit by the concequences of their actions #and it does not help with butter that softie has such a blind faith in ppl because again they do care and generally see the best in ppl #so theyll constantly try to go reach out to whoever this loop is fucking shit up no matter what brute tries to do to convince them not to #which ends in them getting themself killed and the loop continues

[natadachoco]

do you ever just get so insecure and anxious about the post you spent ten minutes typing up and just deleting the entire thing because you think people will judge you for it i just did it to my previous post and did this instead

i made this a no delete post and unless i misspelled something there’s no deleting what i write so i m not allowed to can’t worry about the things in the post and that i’ll finally have these things off my chest and i must post this at the end

i don’t even know if the expand button just goes on automatically or you have to add it on manually because i’ve never done a long post before but if you have to do it automatically i’ve just pissed off everyone on tumblr because there’s this long ass post they have to scroll past im sorry if you’re seeing this btw

you don’t want to tag or name anything either because if it has a name it probably has a definition and what if you completely fcked it up and now people are going to be offended or upset

this means i can’t make statements about things i think are true because what if they’re not and i just completely fcked up or offended everyone

what if i use the same words too much and everyone is getting annoyed by it

i can’t write or draw anything and post it on tumblr either because i think people are going to think it’s crap or i completely messed up their POV or i can’t draw them right

what if the reason i got no notes on something is because i just insulted an entire group of people on accident and didn’t mean to but didn’t apologise for it either

and oh god im doing it again this was supposed to be inclusive and it turned about me again what no that’s being self-centered apparently and this just turned into a rant im sorry

i don’t want to sound pushy or offend anyone but like i want another chapter but what if they don’t want to write another chapter what do i do it seems like i’m forcing them to do something they don’t want to do

and maybe this is something you all go through and i didn’t need to write it because everyone already knows and now everyone is judging me for not realising this sooner

some people get annoyed if i apologise to much but if i don’t some people will get upset because i just insulted them accidentally or it seems like im forcing them to do something

i repeat things a lot and i annoy a lot of people with it but i don’t want that and even after it seems like i’ve ended things it keeps going on and on and on because i don’t know when to stop

i say what i do and don’t like and give reasons for it but if i get no response i’ll just assume i made people made and instantly i’ll say that i won’t judge them for having different opinions but honestly i just apologise endlessly

some people say what they don’t like seeing on the internet and that makes sense because usually those peeves make sense and i have them too and they’re just probably trying to make the internet a better place for everyone but now i have another thing on my checklist to make sure my post doesn’t piss off anyone and if i haven’t checked off that list i keep thinking the next day i’ll have everyone on my post just yelling at me because i didn’t or did do something

then when people reassure me i think that they’re just being nice and in their minds they just branded me as a horrible person that doesn’t know any better

and if i do one thing wrong it stays on my mind like forever and there’s this knot forming in my chest and what do i do im sorry im socially awkward but i can’t face them either until im forced to and it’s just so awkward at that point that i just give up

look at me just automatically assuming that everyone’s going to see my post because im using words like “everyone” and i can’t do that either because again that’s thinking your important and everyone’s the same on this planet  and you’re no different than anyone else on this big rock

and because of the stupid rule i put at the start of the post i can’t delete that either and now you’re probably judging me and because the 3 real friends i have in life are following me they’re going to hate me and it’s going to be platonic heartbreak

that rule’s stupid and i’m stupid and either i care too much or i don’t care at all and sometimes i think it’s easier if i just die right now

i just fall into these slumps sometimes and i don’t cry i don’t get angry i just don’t feel and the only things that matter to me in these times are my friends but i can only see them in school and they’re not here to make me laugh at least i have something on my face instead of this blank meaningless stare and in these times not even my fandoms could get me to smile right now i’m trying to get myself to cry just to see if i get any reaction but nope im a rock

my family tries to get me to socialise more but then they yell at me for socialising wrong im too impolite im too straight forward there are somethings you just cannot say you don’t even know how to talk with real human beings anymore you can’t stay on your laptop for days on end

im expected to be perfect but my parent’s don’t praise me for doing the right thing they criticise and they tell me not to take good things for granted but that’s all they do when it comes to me they’re also homophobic as fck and they think i should look a certain way act a certain way think a certain way but i don’t and that’s a problem with them they don’t let me out of their sight for more than a few seconds and they scold me if i don’t do exactly as they said even if i didn’t understand what they wanted

my grades are dropping and i blame it on the fandoms but it’s my fault and my parents are mad because i don’t get really good scores anymore

like it’s not like i want to die i just don’t really want to live either there’s no point i say that victuuri is the only thing keeping me alive as a joke but people don’t see the truth in that they won’t see it because those optimists think that everyone must want to live and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t

and even if those three friends see this i don’t want them to treat me any differently to the way they treat me now i just want to pretend everything’s fine

i don’t know if i actually have medical anxiety or depression and i can’t compare it to anyone and if you do you’re probably thinking this is just lowkey and i’ll get out of it but somedays it sure seems like i do (have medical mental health issues)

im basically just dumping literally every anxiety and self doubt i have onto the internet wow that was a great move so smart that totally won’t attract hate and mean comments and im sorry again if you had to read through this

i don’t know what to do anymore i don’t know if i want to live anymore

honestly i just want people to like me

look at me trying to make the mood lighter

IMPORTANT: I’m not trying to kill myself. As I said I don’t want to die but sometimes I need to post something like this to see if other people relate and can help me think that maybe I’m not so alone in the world. 

Amy Sunny if you’re seeing this don’t be worried. I’ll be back to normal on Monday. I think. Just scroll past this.

#anxiety #insecurities #self-doubt #self-depreciation #politically incorrect #im not sure of anything at this point #i need reassurance #i need help #long post #rant #family problems #homophobia #not really suicidal thoughts #but close #depression