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Of course an AI can make perfect toast, but what comes next? Find out in this comedy sci-fi short story.
Ichi the toaster playlist: https://bit.ly/twtichi
More great funny fiction shorts on this channel: https://bit.ly/twtfunshorts
This week we have cute sci-fi stories about Ichi, the AI Toaster. Check back every day at 4 GMT for another crazy tale.
#tales with tasha#free fiction#YouTube#science fiction#artificial intelligence#comedy story#funny fiction#YouTube Short
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Sellsoul
I don’t need my soul. I’m not even sure if it’s in there, buzzing around like a fly in a shoebox. Or like Shrodingers cat, the paradox of a thing being dead if it is believed in and existing—alive—only in a vague abstraction. But it doesn’t really matter. If I do have a soul, it’s shriveled up and dead, and if I don’t have one and I really am just an animated chunk of ham with chronic diarrhea and crippling anxiety, I am at peace with that as well. Even I have a soul, it doesn’t matter either way. I sold it.
I put a joke ad up on Craigslist a few months ago. I was dead broke. I was a writer that didn’t actually have the will to write, a scatterbrained man still making the same mistakes I was making a decade ago. Being a lovable screw-up eventually just bleeds into being a fucking screwup, and being a fucking screwup eventually bleeds into being a goddamn puddle of grease, tears, and untapped potential.
Anyway, the joke was that I was broke enough to want to sell my soul for three grand. Three grand would have kept the lights on, kept food on the table, kept my car from being repossessed. I thought at the very least I might go viral, or get some vague attention and use it for some fleeting leverage into popularity.
I got one or two joke emails back. Then came the cryptic, red flag blaring siren reply.
“I’ll buy. Number is 207-899-6840.”
I would say the decision to text the number back was against my better judgment, but obviously, I don’t have better judgment. As far as judgment is concerned, texting a random number about buying my soul is the absolute pinnacle of my ability to judge a circumstance. So I texted back.
“Cool. 3k sound good? Where do you want to meet?”
“Goodson Mill Cemetery, midnight Tuesday, come alone. Will send deposit. Will pay 10k.”
As I finished reading the message, my Cashapp dinged. 3k sent from a “Vec Phillips.”
This couldn’t be serious, right? It had to be a scam. Someone trying to steal my cashapp account, jump me, scam me. But what if that 3k sitting, waiting to be accepted, was legit? I could pay for my car, keep my lights on, get something to eat.
I accepted the cash. The moment I did, I looked up from my couch to the window facing the front porch, and I could have sworn I saw something moving, like someone rushing out of sight. I got up, opened the door, and was greeted by a dark, cold night. I went to bed, and slept well.
Tuesday came around. I had put the meeting to the back of my mind and had decided to do it. I’d bring a baseball bat, just in case. I’d record the whole thing. Even if it was some kind of setup, I’d at least have some footage that might go viral on YouTube or something like that. I played some Skyrim until 11 p.m., grabbed my old aluminum baseball bat from the basement, and headed out towards the cemetery on the outskirts of town.
The cemetery was down a dirt drive, surrounded by trees, towering and old before it cleared out into a very old half acre scape of headstones dating back hundreds of years. I parked my car, took out my flashlight. I couldn’t see anyone, so I headed towards the spot where every single nefarious teenager congregated when they went to the cemetery; the Mausoleum. I hadn’t been to the Mausoleum since the Black Parade came out in middle school and a bunch of us snuck out to do whippets, smoke weed out of an apple, and weep along to the album.
I out my mask on before I got out of the car.
My flashlight bobbed as I walked the uneven, slight decline down towards the mausoleum, I thought I saw a flash of an eye behind a headstone, like an iris briefly illuminated. I stopped.
“Uh, hello?” I called out. It was probably some kind of animal, right?
I kept walking. About halfway to the mausoleum, I heard some shuffling behind me, and a soft voice call out
“Hello.”
I turned on my heels. My flashlight lit up a semi-circle of six hooded figures, each clad in scarlet robes. They seemed to materialize out of the air, and they stood, motionless. One stepped forward.
“Did you bring it?”
“Uh…” I thought for a moment. He was here to buy my soul, right? Of course I brought it. It was impossible to forget to bring a soul, right?
“What…what do you mean? I think so,” I finally spat out.
The hooded figure held out his hand, and motioned as if he wanted to grasp mine.
“Uh, wait.” I said, hesitating. “So, just ‘cuz of COVID and everything, I kind of thought this could be a contactless sort of deal…you know, can’t be too careful. I heard cats can get it, and I really don’t wan’t-“
“Fine, yeah, that’s fine,” the cultist said, withdrawing his hand. “We just need some blood.”
I guess I should have figured blood would be involved with this deal.
“Okay, yeah, was I supposed to bring my own knife, or..?”
The cultist sighed. “It’s fine. We have one you can borrow, just make sure you give it back afterwards.” Another cultist stepped forward, and handed a jet black obsidian dagger to me. I took it, and cut a small slice in my finger, wincing.
“Okay, so I’m, uh, bleeding”
“Shit, sorry,” said the cultist. “I almost forgot the ritual slab.”
I’m not sure how, as he didn’t have any pockets, but the cultist pulled a dark slab of some kind of stone from beneath his robes. Etched into the surface were intricate carvings, and words in a language I didn’t understand.
“Just put your finger in the middle,” said the cultist. I followed instructions. As the blood touched the stone, the whole slab lit up a sickening green, runes illuminated, terrible runes of torn apart flesh and monsters long dead rising up from the depths of the deepest abyss—
“Oh yeah,” the cultist said, putting the slab back behind his robe. “Here’s some neosporin and a band-aid,” handing me both items. I thanked him.
“So…is that it?” I asked, patching myself up.
“Yup. Pretty much. Vecna thanks you, we thank you. You might have some pretty vivid nightmares about hell and demons and all kinds of infernal madness, but they should wear off in about a quarter of a century, if you live that long. Stay away from holy water and anything with basil in it.”
My cashapp dinged. The rest of the money.
And yeah, the nightmares do suck. But I’m able to separate my work life from my private life, and put it in a place. Compartmentalize and move on.
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guillermo del toro’s pinocchio is a beautiful film but my god no one has adapted that story like neverafter. you can never look at it the same way again after listening to lou wilson, a black man, explaining that he chose to play as pinocchio because it’s a story about a little boy who isn’t allowed to make mistakes. that in pinocchio's story, he is fundamentally barred from childhood at once upon a time. he must earn something that everyone else is granted from birth. the other boys get to tell lies and play and get into trouble, but when pinocchio does the same thing there are grave and violent consequences. his pinocchio is trying to understand why the world is so unfair, why the rules are so different for him, why everyone else gets to be a real boy.
and I think about it every day.
#I'm sure so many other people have said it better than me but I think it deserves being said a thousand upon a thousand times#lou wilson is a phenomenal talent and storyteller and actor#and his ability to bring that character from the most ridiculous heights of comedy to gut wrenching emotion on a pinhead was unforgettable#I have so much respect for everyone in the dome but I don't think any story gripped me as much as pinocchio#d20#dimension 20#d20 neverafter#lou wilson
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uhmmm tage refrence for myself ur boy is going through 4 years of posts
Sentiments and Stories, Incorrect Quotes, Art tutorials, Art, Reassurances, Fashion, Enviroments, Music, Comedy, Comedy txt, Comedy vid, Comedy story, Comedy pict, Recipes and Food, Weapons, Cute pict, Cute vid, Cute story,
#Recipes and Food#Fashion#Weapons and objects#Sentiments and Stories#Incorrect Quotes#Environments#Reassurances#Writing#Music#Art#Art tutorials#Comedy#Comedy txt#Comedy vid#Comedy pict#Comedy story#Cute txt#Cute vid#Cute pict#Cute story
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HEY, I just posted a new story video!
#for scientific purposes#for science#melonmayhem#fruitjustice#storytime#bristolrenaissancefair#renaissance#youtube#renaissancefair#comedy story#life story#comedy of errors
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Awakening (or how Charlie the dog joined a terrorist organization and bombed a house)
This was my first attempt at dark comedy. I think I did okay. It could be better but it could be much worse. Yes, the story is exactly as ridiculous as the title.
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Charlie’s first thoughts were “Why am I eating this?”
He had been eating a piece of plastic, (It smelled vaguely of ham), when a shock hit his brain. Suddenly, he could think!
“Greetings Charlie.” came a voice inside his skull.
“Who’s that?” he said, suddenly alert, but seeing or smelling anyone.
“My name is Dr. Morthestaz. It is because of me that you now have a mind!”
“Morthestaz? That sounds Drusselsteinian.”
“It’s not, but clearly the awakening worked very well. You’re already tapping into information from before you gained conscience.”
“Yes, now quit bothering me. I want to chew on this.”
“I can’t do that Charlie. You see, I work for the Fanatical Allegiance of Random Terrorists, and I have orders for you.”
“What kind of orders? That sounds hard.”
“It's nothing difficult. Just do as I tell you.”
“Ok. That's fair. You did give me a mind after all.
“Yes. Now, go outside. Your window is open.”
“So it is. Ok.”
“Now, do you see the house across the street? Get into its backyard.”
“But I was always told not to bother the neighbors…”
“Just do it. It's ok.”
“Ok…”
Charlie leaped the fence with ease, being the large greyhound he was.
“There is a package by the back gate,” said Dr. Morthestaz. “It has our logo on it.”
“I see it!” Charlie said with a chuckle.
“What was the chuckle for?”
“It's just your acronym…”
“Oh ha ha. Of course I waste the gift of sentience on a dog with a child's sense of humor!”
“I’m sorry. What do I do with it?”
“Crawl under the house and leave it as far underneath as you can get it.”
Charlie did as he was told, relishing in the dirt. He wasn’t allowed to go outside often.
As he crawled out from under the house, the owner saw him.
“Get out ya damn crazy dog!” he yelled, grabbing a shovel. Charlie dashed over the fence, quickly making his escape.
“Anything more?”
“Now just wait. Someone will pick you up soon. Until then, there’s a nice bone waiting for you.”
“OOH!! But what about my family…”
“Who else do you think gave you the awakening treatment?”
“Oh. OK!”
“Just go wait inside the house.”
Charlie waited, chewing gleefully on his reward. An hour later, he heard a deafening boom.
“What was that!?!?” the startled greyhound yelled mentally.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“But what WAS that?”
“Your package. I hope you liked it. We have plenty more for you to deliver.”
Charlie looked out the window and saw what was left of the house. Nothing but a fiery inferno of collapsing timber.
Suddenly, the back door opened.
“Charlie.” the doctor said. “It’s time to go.”
“No, I don’t want to do that any more.”
“I’m afraid you misunderstand Charlie. If you don’t do as I say, your family meets the same fate as the one across the street.”
A man beckoned from the doorway.
“No. I don’t want to.”
“Charlie, you WILL do as I say, or your family dies. Is that clear?”
Charlie stood, shocked. Then he slowly walked out the back door. There was a van in the alleyway. Charlie reluctantly stepped in.
“Good boy. Welcome to your new life with the Fanatical Allegiance of Random Terrorists, Charlie.”
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I read Fat Face by Michael Shea last month and it was. Fine? It was a Cthulhu Mythos story written in the 80s, it was very edgy and it had a lot of tropes I’m not a fan of, I don’t really recommend it, but I have to talk about one detail I have not stopped thinking about since I read it.
So. I knew Fat Face through reputation because it was the story that inspired Shoggoth Lords from the Call of Cthulhu TTRPG, shoggoths that can control their cellular makeup to look like humans. And the twist in Fat Face is that shoggoths have been hiding amongst humans in Los Angeles, and at the end of the story one of them eats the protagonist.
The tone of the story is grit. It’s grime. It’s sleaze and sexual violence and drug abuse on top of cosmic horror. It wants to be taken seriously so bad.
But here’s the thing about the shoggoths: they have a business.
They have two businesses they run out of an office building in downtown Los Angeles. A shoggoth is a primordial blob of eyes and mouths and flesh and hunger, and the idea of one of them at the LA Office of Finance registering an LLC is already. Great. Perfect. No notes.
The business is a front — and again, that’s great, a shoggoth went, “I want to do some nefarious deeds and not get caught by humans; I know, I’ll register a fake business that’ll be a front, and no human will ever suspect” — because the actual interior of this office is a room of pools of water made from black and ancient Antarctic rocks so that shoggoths can relax in their original blobby forms and eat stray animals that they’ve caught.
So it’s basically just. A place for shoggoths to unwind after a long day of pretending to be human. It’s portrayed as cosmic horror, but it’s shoggoth Cheers. Sometimes you wanna go where nobody knows your shape.
Here’s the kicker. The front of the business is a hydrotherapy clinic and stray pet rescue.
When they decided to make a front for their secret lair in an LA office building where they hang out in pools of water and eat stray animals — the front they prominently display and advertise — they decided to go with a hydrotherapy clinic and stray pet rescue.
That is Goosebumps shit. The rest of the story reads like a tone poem about the sleaze and violence of Los Angeles, and the main twist of the story reads like R.L. Stine.
But that’s not even the detail I can’t stop thinking about. Because the story reveals that this business — which again, is a front made by alien blobs to eat stray animals like an ALF-themed buffet and hang out in jacuzzi tubs of Antarctic rocks in an LA office — has a flyer.
Which means there’s a shoggoth with a passion for graphic design
#lovecraft#shoggoth#horror#and this isn’t me demanding realism in my cthulhu mythos#but i think it proves that at a certain point grim and gritty storytelling becomes absurdist comedy#the rest of the story is a gritty crime drama about being a sex worker who breasts boobily under the pitiless california sun#and the twist which is supposed to be cosmic horror elevates it into zany cartoonishness
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Three men in a boat comedy story by Jerome K-Jerome short story British English Read this story online
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...to be fair I do this while it's in sitting mode, too. Can't escape The Elbow Lean, RIP to my back.
ETA: before anyone says it, my vision is perfect, it's been checked, I'm just incapable of posture
#my art#tfw you stand up to avoid terrible posture in a terrible chair and then notice your posture followed you there#that 'monitor riser' is actually three of my thickest books lol#while my laptop is on the divine comedy and the chicago manual of style#my monitor lives on Mariposa Road the collected Jeeves stories and American Warblers#Two of the latter I haven't actually read yet because they've just become my monitor stand#I should. swap those out so I can read them sometime lol
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कभी कभी मेरे दिल में खयाल आता है , उसे देख कर दिल क्यों लुभाता है, हिंदी शायरी ओर कहानी
कभी कभी मेरे दिल में खयाल आता है , उसे देख कर दिल क्यों लुभाता है, हिंदी शायरी ओर कहानी
कभी कभी मेरे दिल में खयाल आता है , उसे देख कर दिल क्यों लुभाता है, बेचैन सा रहता हूँ दिन ओर रात को क्यों वो मेरी दिन ओर रातों में आता है, जब भी कुछ भी सोचता हूँ उसका चेहरा खड़ा सामने नज़र आता है, सोचा था एक दिन भूल जाऊँगा उसको लेकिन उसका ख्याल दिलों ओर दिमाग से नही जाता है
अब लगता है मरकर ही भूल पाऊंगा उसको क्योंकि वो मेरी सांसों में समाता है , ये क्या जिंदगी है मेरी मैने तो उससे प्यार किया था फिर…
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#bad shayari#best hindi shayari#best politics#best shayari#boyfriend shayari#comedy story#first nights story#first time love story#girl and boy story#girl story#girlfriend shayari#gum shayari#hindi shayari#human story
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he will never read questionable books ever again
Part 1: Kakashi's first ObiGai nightmare
Part 2: The "past"
Part 3: Kakashi's second ObiGai nightmare
Part 4: ObiGai nightmare has seeped into reality! ⬆️
#obigai#imaginary obigai#crackpairing#narutoart#comedy#crack#obito#kakashi#uchiha obito#hatake kakashi#might guy#maito gai#joubito#the horror story of obigai#welp
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BAD Mojo! 🤣 #shorts (Horror Comedy Story)
The Supernatural helpline is there was all your supernatural issues, including the odd demon.
YouTube short - paranormal comedy story
Thank you so much for watching, hope you enjoy it. There are lots more stories to watch, all completely free, on my YouTube channel - Tales with Tasha.
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Good Omens is up for an Award and YOU can vote for it!
The Comedy.co.uk Awards are an annual poll of tens of thousands of British comedy fans in which the best TV and radio comedy programmes of the last year are named.
Running since 2006, the awards provide an accurate gauge of the most loved modern British TV and radio comedies as every single programme is included in the nominations list (for our 2022 vote it was 379 different shows!), and the results are 100% based on the public vote. There is no biased jury or naive judging panel involved here - just comedy fans.
Good Omens is up for a TV Comedy Drama 2023 Award in the Comedy.co.uk Awards !
The other nominees are :
Boat Story
Brassic
Inside No 9
Sex Education (which is excellent and also deserves to win)
There She Goes
Good Omens won this category back in 2019, it also won the Comedy of the Year for 2019 too!
You can cast your vote to help ensure that your favourite duo has an angelic shot at winning by casting your vote !
To cast your vote for this and other categories (Our favourite Ghosts are up for a couple of Awards too)
Vote here https://www.comedy.co.uk/awards/2023/
Voting closes on Sunday 21st January 2024 at 23:59 GMT.
#books#terry pratchett#good omens#neil gaiman#david tennant#michael sheen#sex education#comedy awards#tv comedy drama#boat story#brassic#inside no 9#there she goes
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You know, it's a tragedy that there are no (or very little) Vampire x Christian stories out there, not for angst or theology or forbidden seductiveness or whatnot but for the sheer comedy of it all. I mean, the Christian would technically be immune to all of the vampire's shenanigans, like for example...
Vampire: Fool, I am the most powerful vampire in the West. Nothing but the force of an entire holy temple could even deign to scratch me
Christian: Idiot, I AM a holy temple. 1 Corinthians 6:19, fear me and the Spirit inside that can burn you to ashes
#this thought was brought on by a conversation i saw on the km shea discord#and also my need to theologize everything#it would be so funny to me too if we added the fact that the human Christian was also anemic#(not because anemia is funny. especially not if it's chronic. just the fact that the vamp couldn't bite the human)#truth be told it doesn't even have to be a romance to me. just a chaotic comedy duo#lemon duck quacks#lemon duck tales#yeah this is funny#for the words!#one day i will write all my deranged supernatural story ideas that involve way too much Christian imagery and comedy#but for now....#anyway how to make the most unbiteable human that you cannot help be drawn to as a modernized vamp?#Christian and likely chronically iron deficient#i am very sorry if this is offensive#but you know#vampires
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Thinking about Silver and the references to his love of (blue) skies 🔵☁️
#silver the hedgehog#sonic the hedgehog#Sonic Forces#Sonic colors DS#mario and sonic at the olympic games#Sonic 06#the last ones translated from the Japanese side of forces if anyones wondering why its diff from the english line#This all started because I was curious about the JP side of forces lol#also the text with silver and blaze is from Otherworld Comedy aka the 2023 calendar stories#its a very cute detail#if you wanna read the 2023 calendar i'll leave a link in the replies to a really great fan website that has them all translated into english
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Such Happy Campers is an interactive horror/romance novel made in Choicescript.
DEMO / COG FORUM POST
status: demo consists of three chapters + prologue, sitting at 64.385 words [excl. commands]
You are an employee of the Cloverleaf program. Your job is to organize and oversee their seasonal vacation for kids from low-income backgrounds and troubled homes. This summer, said vacation will be hosted at the rustic Camp Solace, a cabin campsite situated right next to the picturesque Lake Solace and flanked by acres of woodland.
Camp Solace is idyllic, calm and far removed from the bustle of civilization.
V̵̲̂e̶̝͆ŕ̸͍y̷͎̏ ̷͚̎f̵͈̀ā̸̦r̵̀͜ ̸͓͘r̴̜̂e̴͉̕m̵̺̎o̷̢̓v̶̒͜è̴̘d̴̳̐ ̴̀͜i̵̡͊ñ̷̘d̸̼̀e̷̪̽ȇ̵̯d̴̜͒.̷̰̚
It'd take you quite a while to reach the nearest town in case of an emergency…
Ý̷̭ö̸͎́u̷̘͗'̴̘͘d̸̛̰ ̶̢̐ḇ̸̌ẻ̸̦t̴̝̅t̷͚̒e̷͓͑r̸͔̿ ̷̱̆m̸̜̔a̸̳̍k̵̰̍ě̸̖ ̸̦̚s̷̛̺ṵ̴̔r̵̘̅e̸̝̽ ̸͈̑n̴̡̛o̶̬͑t̶̺̊h̸͖̋i̵͎̽ṅ̵̜g̸̗̽ ̴̹̿ḧ̵̘́ā̷̦p̸̖̎p̵̻̑e̴̗͌n̵̡̒s̶̜̈.̶̥͂
But you're not alone in this! Working alongside you are Basil Laurier, the free-spirited scion of the wealthiest local family, Anita Merrick, the smart but skittish university student intern, and the Malak siblings, both skilled and experienced teachers.
Now go take care of those happy little campers.
Customize your MC’s name, appearance, outfit and apartment!
Be a good camp counselor and protect the kids in your care!
Romance a charismatic heir, a chronically sleep-deprived psychology student, a temperamental musician or a reserved martial arts instructor!
Get to know your team and form lasting friendships!
Uncover the lakes long-forgotten secrets and save Camp Solace from the horrors that are slowly closing in on you.
TW: mentions of bullying, troubled childhoods, mental illness. Non-graphic.
#choicescript#choice script#hosted games#interactive fiction#if: intro#if: wip#interactive story#interact if#updated intro post#if: such happy campers#horror comedy#horror romance#romanceable characters#writeblr#original fiction#writers on tumblr#amwriting
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