#buy myself something I don't need

[moononastring]

You know what? It feels like today is the right day to let myself lose my mind.

#gpost #for no other reason than #it feels right #today feels like an unhinged day #why i don't know #but it feels right #and i most likely won't do anything #other than probably go the library to blow off some steam #then come back and take a nap #don't mind me #something in me is brewing #is it something in the air #will i perhaps get a call I was waiting for #buy myself something I don't need #the possibilities are endless

[inkskinned]

they want to talk about mental illness and acceptance and how everyone is a little ocd it's cute and quirky and their "intrusive thoughts" are about cutting their hair off and you say yours are about taking a razorblade to your eye and they say ew can you not and everyone is a little adhd sometimes! except if you're late it's a personality flaw and it's because you are careless and cruel (and someone else with adhd mentions they can be on time, so why can't you?) and it's not an eating disorder if it's girl dinner! it's not mania if it's girl math! what do you mean you blew all of your savings on nonrefundable plane tickets for a plane you didn't even end up taking. what do you mean that you are afraid of eating. get over it. they roll their little lips up into a sneer. can you not, like, trauma dump?

they love it on them they like to wear pieces of your suffering like jewels so that it hangs off their tongue in rapiers. they are allowed to arm-chair diagnose and cherrypick their poisons but you can't ever miss too many showers because that's, like, "fuckken gross?" so anyone mean is a narcissist. so anyone with visual tics is clearly faking it and is so cringe. but they get to scream and hit customer service employees because well, i got overwhelmed.

you keep seeing these posts about how people pleasers are "inherently manipulative" and how it's totally unfair behavior. but you are a people pleaser, you have an ingrained fawn response. in the comments, you have typed and deleted the words just because it is technically true does not make it an empathetic or kind reading of the reaction about one million times. it is technically accurate, after all. you think of catholic guilt, how sometimes you feel bad when doing a good deed because the sense of pride you get from acting kind - that pride is a sin. the word "manipulation" is not without bias or stigma attached to it. many people with the fawn response are direct victims of someone who was malignantly manipulative. calling the victims manipulative too is an unfair and unkind reading of the situation. it would be better and more empathetic to say it is safety-seeking or connection-seeking behavior. yes, it can be toxic. no, in general it is not intended to be toxic. there is no reason to make mentally ill people feel worse for what we undergo.

you type why is everyone so quick to turn on someone showing clear signs of trauma but you already know the fucking answer, so what's the point of bothering. you kind of hate those this is what anxiety looks like! infographics because at this point you're so good at white-knuckling through a severe panic attack that people just think you're stoic. even people who know the situation sometimes comment you just don't seem depressed. and you're not a 9 year old white kid so there's no way you're on the spectrum, you're not obsessed with trains and you were never a good mathematician. okay then.

mental illness is trending. in 2012 tumblr said don't romanticize our symptoms but to be fair tiktok didn't exist yet. there's these series of videos where someone pretends to be "the most boring person on earth" and is just being a normal fucking person, which makes your skin crawl, because that probably means you are boring. your friend reads aloud a profile from tinder - no depressed bitches i fucking hate that mental illness crap. your father says that medication never actually works.

you still haven't told your grandmother that you're in therapy. despite everything (and the fact it's helping): you just don't want her to see you differently.

#writeblr #warm up #to be clear let me state again: i think you should id however you fucking want if it helps you seek peace #but there is a HUGE difference between being like '.... im undiagnosed but i think i might be X' #and a person who is like ''omg my intrusive thoughts made me buy a birkin!!!'' #babe mine made me throw up bc they disgusted me so much <3 #mine made me hurt myself evenly. even when i wanted to stop. i have had to put my hand on the stove MULTIPLE TIMES #and again i'd rather have 10000 people get help for something they don't need help for #than have 1 kid NOT get help #but there has GOTTTTT to be a middle ground here #bc at this point it isn't ''raising awareness'' #it's . fucking misinformation. and ''what this picture says about you!!!!!'' #& yes! im mostly talkin about ppl who are actually disgusted and offended by signs of mental illness #but use it to defend THEIR actions #like babe you hate when kids start yelling in the walmart? but you YOuRSELF can yell? #you are depressed so it's fine you were cruel to your spouse? #but if your spouse spends too much time in bed she's a lazy fuck? #your partner needs to do everything for you bc of your history in trauma? but when SHE has needs she's being clingy and gross? #HUGE difference here between whom i think most of my followers are btw. like #all it takes is fucking anyyyy empathy or kindness . like. #anyway it's hard to explain im hoping we all know the person im talking about lol

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#oh wow... #i just had an oh shit fuck moment #wow #i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying #if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time #and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted #so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself #because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to #go in myself either way was way worse to me #because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to #''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever #and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in #and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day... #all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed #although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words: #''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in'' #which is ridiculous #but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it? #forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me? #pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread? #panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head? #yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)? #isn't that literally what masking is?! #and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem'' #when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?! #you know what's the best part about all this #that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above] #my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''.... #same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit'' #ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...

[vinylvacancy]

vinyls from my collection ( in no particular order ) 14 / eyes opened and eyes closed

if i can’t have love i want power ( 2021, but the 2022 tour exclusive reissue ) by halsey 

#myvinyledits #halseyedit #halsey #musicedit #vinyledit #if i cant have love i want power #iichliwp #THIS ALBUM MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD #i heard it one (1) time and knew i needed it on vinyl #it's just fantastic song after fantastic song #like i truly don't think it misses #and the MOVIE???? #anyway yeah this album deserves its title as the album that made me buy 2 versions of the record #i made myself swear not to buy any variants but like #was i really gonna say no to this one? #she's beautiful! look at her! #baby's first green record!

[liesonthefloordramatically]

just ordered yarn for my next knitting project (blanket...to keep me warm...because I like my apartment freezing cold) and I AM wincing at the cost but also A. I literally never spend money on myself, B. this will keep my hands and brain occupied for a while (both important), C. it's actually not that much more expensive than buying a nice blanket for myself, and D. I literally never spend money on myself so there

#me arguing with myself to let myself buy something for once lkajsfdusaoifusao #one of the things that sort of messes with my head about being unfamilied is that I have no one to buy things for me #so anything that I need I have to buy for myself #and that may sound very obvious but for some reason buying things for myself is the hardest task in the world #ESPECIALLY if it's a major purchase #(groceries is fine. clothes is hard. anything I don't 100% need is nigh impossible.) #Queenie actually says something on this blog #Queenie knits things

[pollen]

hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy

#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again #idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here #a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that #and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon #well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving #which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL #and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible #and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe #but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility #though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year #while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless #because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own) #experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing #moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one #i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving #started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore #and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself. #it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that

[fishareglorious]

Christmas party is coming up and people are now placing their requests in the christmas gift exchange. I am choosing to write laundry soap in mine.

#random #me #everyone's been on my neck about why don't i choose something else but the thing is #I DON'T REALLY NEED ANYTHING. #i'd rather be practical #this has been a common occurence for years whenever it's christmas or my birthday #when people ask me what i want i just tell them to buy me food. because im not really the one to want material stuff?? #i know it kinda sucks for the people who want to gift me things but i can't really think of anything to want unless its something #i need urgently. to which i'll just buy it myself tbh

[softshuji]

I went to the bookstore and to get some skincare after work and I spent quite a bit and now I'm racked with guilt that I shouldn't have done that and I shouldn't have justified it even though I wanted it.

#does anyone else get this #whenever i buy something for myself that isn't like y'know an immediate necessity it sickens me with guilt #and i have money yknow like now i do #i can afford to and i love buying things #i love buying things for others too i love spending on them #and that doesn't make me feel guilty at all #but for myself all i can think is #i don't need this thing

[upperranktwo]

I had a fun day today!!! Going to a con with my sister is always a good laugh and glad to have managed to get some decent things!!! Has definitely made me super tired tho!

#spent £100 and I had 240 saved 😭 so i've got some spare money for extra things!!! can be used to help pay my dad for keep next month! #i promise I don't spend money I need on anime things! i'm very very good with saving #and I love my shows so much and stuff like KNY helped give me a reason to create and helps with my anxiety issues #so I have no problem buying things for something I love so much! #i have money aside for food and I don't smoke drink or do anything like that so I have spare funds #i know I shouldnt have to justify myself but I had someone irl claiming i lie about my financial situation when ???? #a) it has fuck all to do with him and b) who cares honestly? #i grew up so poor and struggled until last year and still struggle #so growing up we couldnt get things we loved #so it's nice to be able to get myself stuff #sorry for rant but yeahhhh #sky rambles ♡

[anaalnathrakhs]

i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.

#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating #i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice. #i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything. #i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years #i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating #i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group #nowhere i go will be free of obligations #i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway #my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not #they see me binge and nothing happens #we just ignore it #i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished #hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me #i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life #both meals with other people and my ritual binges #i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging #and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food #to other people #it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction #my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want #or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie #or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something #and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :) #and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly. #so badly that no one can deny i need help #i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital. #no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim #i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me #but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care. #so fuck me i guess

[genderfluid-druid]

on the one hand i never want to live with another person ever again but on the other hand the weather got cold and i pulled out my heavy blankets and the bed is so COMFY and it is absolutely CRIMINAL that not a soul in this vast world is sharing it with me 😤

#'hey drake why do you keep buying household objects in twos' don't even worry about that #sometimes i eat pasta more than once in a dishwasher cycle so it's only reasonable to buy two pasta bowls #being honest though. idk i can see a future for myself that's longer than just the next week or two #and it's not unreasonable that in said future i might find a partner. or two. or a series of flings. or something #and I'm just. making space for that idea #i don't know what want exactly or with whom #but I'm open to the idea of wanting #don't get me wrong. i am also very open to the idea of just living out my days with cats and no one else #that's an option. that's fine #but like #goddamn i need someone to appreciate how comfy this bed is

[xcziel]

got a bunch of little baby plants and am doing some repotting but damn i have a hard time remembering which ones can't have direct light

all but a few of them are low light types because i don't like window or overhead light (i am a cave gremlin)

but some of them need at least indirect light and i'm trying to get those situated well to the french doors (also i bought another seasonal fern bc i am weak and it's hogging a bunch of the space)

some of the tiny ones are barely hanging on and idk what to do else besides sun+ water

i thiiiink it's the tiny peperomia, the mini spider plant, and the aglaonema that really need out of the direct sunbeams and the couple of little succulents that need moved in more

the one snake plant that i haven't watered for six months needed a bigger pot so i upgraded it and i hope it takes it well. the bitty pearl pothos doesn't need a bigger pot but less sun and more drainage i think, so it got a new pot too

why do i get tempted by plants when i hate natural light so much? i did buy a *little* grow light for the corner though

i need plants that are ok with just ambient low light - the sansevieria is out of the window reach entirely but has been putting up fresh green shoots? the big peace lily keeps unfurling new leaves in the dark corner as long as it gets plenty of water?

but the other peace lily that was by the window is crunchy now and idk how to rehab it (still green? and not wilted but the leaves are crunkly so)

also i seeded some rosemary and sage and they are sprouting but the mint did not come up at all ://

#someone stop me from buying more snake plants just bc they survive #i killed my poor desk philodendron idk how and the diffenbachia too #i need more idiot proof plants but i keep having hopes when i walk past the racks outside the store #i need a palm or something tall for the living room across from the peace lily that just gets a tiny bit more light #also i want a billion succulents but one outdoor one died and its still hard to restrain myself #i need plants that light 60watt lamp light for by the bed where no natural light reaches lol #but also i need an explanation of where this indoor plant hunger comes from #i have a yard but everything out there dies come the months of baking heat #and only the grass really comes back - it's going gangbusters in the empty plant bed right now where nothing else seems to grow #(but weeds) #and if i have to bring the plants in for the summer they can't need bright light which is what they would get on the porch #also i don't want to bring bugs inside quite frankly - the spiders are enough for me (the gnat or two is too many) #i need to figure out how to get my pothos to be fluffier again rather than super leggy it's ridiculous #plant whining #i desperately want a ficus and i'm so afraid i can't keep it alive #i am very attentive for a while but then there will be a period where i keep thinking 'i will water tomorrow' only it can be almost a week #mainly i think the tap water is not great and i now i want to water with filtered water but i think i keep using more water than i should #why can't plant-coddling instincts be inherited? i just don't have that 'feel' for exactly what they need like my mom

[asinglesock]

I quit my job! and I ruminated over it for several days first but it still felt really impulsive!

#a sock speaks #grad school tag #this is part of me paring down my responsibilities to the bare minimum so I can hope to stay afloat #I wasn't making much money anyway. this is probably going to mean minimal restaurant food for the rest of the school year but that's okay #and I should probably wait on buying a car #but man. I had to do something. a good percentage of my many hours of sitting in bed feeling helpless were over this job #and I tried several days in a row to force myself to be better. and it wasn't enough! #yes I need to face my fears but that also means facing my fear of failure. and sending emails I know are going to make people unhappy. #I don't really know if this will make things better or worse but it will at least make things different #that said. I'm so scared to see my supervisor's reply. I'm so scared of it. #local construction

[autisticlenaluthor]

this feels gross. butttt, i made an amazon wishlist

for context, im chronically ill and disabled, and having a hard time paying for things on my own.

there are 3 things i need right now that I can't afford to buy myself. a 3 tier cart so I can organize my feeding tube supplies/medical stuff as right now they're taking over my room, NG tube de-cloggers, and a basket that can attach to my IV pole bc I'm hooked up to it basically all day and can't really hold things when I'm moving it around

if you'd like to help, the list is linked here :

but please don't feel any pressure to buy anything if you can't afford it!! these are things that would make my life easier but they aren't things I can't live without.

if you're able to buy something from the list, thank you so so much!! if not, reshares and reblogs are also super helpful <3

#chronic illness #disability #amazon wishlist #please boost #also just a note - i don't plan on updating my list should it be filled #unless it's like absolutely necessary and something I really need but can't buy myself #these items are just stuff i've needed for a bit but haven't been able to get for myself

[porcelainfreak-zacrucian]

Fucking hell I am going to have A WEEK

#my bff' bd is 29th and i wanna make them a cake myself which means i gotta find all the ingredients on our fucked up little mass market #and then not fuck up the recipe which alright i baked that thing before. ONCE. AND IT ALMOST WAS A DISASTER. #luckily my bff's sister is helping me with that and she's buying the easy to find products so that's nice and appreciated #and i won't have to grate like. seven large carrots all by myself. that would be unfortunate #<- girl who did EXACTLY that last year #i also need to get a boclx for the cake and i wanna decorate it so it isn't just. A Box #and then in the evening me and her sister will go to our mutual friend who's organising all this shit and all three of us are gonna #creepily show up at my bff's window at midnight before her birthday with this cake. we're taking a taxi THANK GOD i hated transporting #a cake through public transport to the other end of the city last time #and then we spend the night at my bff's apartment before going back to oir mutual friend's place spending all day there and potentially ALSO #staying the night and THEN! do you know what happens then? then i go take a PE exam at my uni :) #also before all that i gotta finish some things i have a deadline for at the end of the month. which im supposed to be doing now but #guess what #im typing this instead #because im a whiny bitch okay my social battery is going to be DEAD after this. and i mean completely fucking fried #good luck to me ig #it's all worth it cuz i love my bff #but god am i glad they don't have Tumblr because they aint supposed to know our asses are planning something >:) #cruci shitpost

[slippery-minghus]

oh no. i feel like if i do not consume an entire load of bread in the very near future i will simply cease to exist.

#very uh. very worried about my finances right now #like. i'm fine. i have some savings. but i also just got to put something into my savings for the first time in a VERY long time and now #now i immediately have to take it out #and i'm getting stressed out about buying groceries #because if i dip into my savings here what about there? where is the line? #and i owe so much to taxes but i can't exactly afford getting less of my pay...... #my last paycheck was $0.66 more than my rent #my insurance is refusing to reimburse the last of my electrolysis visits from last year and like #i'm SO over the fight but that's $120. that i really actually kinda need? #and i'm starting to get that funny in the head feeling about wondering how i'm going to feed myself #i still feel so much shame about that funeral i went to years ago and my only thought during the reception after was about #how there was just so much food and i could actually eat my fill #i have leftovers for dinner tonight and it's fine but.... making a lovely vegan dish wasn't the best choice tbh #i feel like if i don't have a large helping of bread and meat i'm going to go insane #and it really REALLY doesn't help that i've apparently lost the ability to eat in the mornings #so i'm at quite a significant fuel deficit and it's stacking #but no matter how hungry i am in the morning the concept of processing solid food is just repulsive and daunting #eating a clif bar at 9am would take literally all of my spoons for the day #i was looking at protein shakes since i can handles *drinking* breakfast #but the cheapest one that meets my dietary requirements is $35 for a 12pack #and i'm uh. i'm worrying over spending $10 on produce this week #personal #and nevermind that i don't have the spoons to even GO shopping (: #(on an aside i switched back to my regular melatonin gummies last night and i Actually Slept. so hopefully that will continue and help some) #i just want to curl up in a ball on the floor and have someone gently place a roll of bread and hunk of cheese next to me in my enclosure #also it's photophobia season and i still feel like i haven't recovered from saturday #got too much sunlight and was nauseaus for half the day #my body feels so bad