#but like. about childhood and adulthood

[straykats]

i want to talk about what i want to write about but i also dont want to confess and immortalise/acknowledge how personal such a piece would be for me

#kat talks #so obviously i'll do it on the tags 🥴💀 #itd be much more (nonsexual) mature themes than my usual stuff #but like. about childhood and adulthood #family and trauma #and just.. living eith those who havent had the best impact on you. #smiling with them. genuine smiles despite how much hurt #and conflictions with love even when there are genuine smiles #about how things can be so different between cultures #its fine in this one. normal. but under another light its a crime. its reportable. #about learning truths when youre too young. about being confided in about things you shouldnt hear as a child. #whether i do it as a fanfic or as an origonal piece.. idm #but i think it would feel so freeing and relieving to be able to share my experiences through a fictional lense #with relevant trigger warnings ofc #but also just writing something that personal and real and dark (i suppose) is such a different thing for me #writing it when i was younger and while i was experiencing things was easier #but now that im trying to heal and get past those things #writing and exploring the experiences again seems so heavy #thus the relief i will feel when its out ????? idk #if anyone has written anything thats this personal to them i'd love to hesr from u (whatever it is u choose to say) #and ofc i'll reoly priv if you want

[ovaruling]

i am so sick of this

there is an established relationship between advanced age of the father and risks to the mother, to the pregnancy, to the fetus, and later to the child.

older men’s ticking biological clocks are harmful. their ages literally compound the dangers to women and to the children they have. increased age of fathers is related to things like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, and preterm birth, just to make a few. later health and mental problems have been observed in children of older fathers.

the number of older fathers is increasing. men feel entitled to father children well into elderliness. men also tend to seek out young women with which to have these children. the maternal mortality rate in the U.S. is currently the highest it has been since the 1960s. abortion rights in the U.S. are in extreme peril. this altogether makes the risk to women who reproduce w/ older men much, much greater.

i think we as a society need to start talking about this a bit.

screenshots of additional NYT article under the cut because i couldn’t figure out how to link without the paywall.

#was i not just talking about this #like come the fuck on. #personally my father was 45 when i was conceived (my mother was in her 20s) and i almost died at birth #my mother’s pregnancy was extremely high risk and caused permanent damage to her health #same thing happened with my younger sister—he was 50 when she was conceived #both my sister and i have suffered very poor health throughout childhood and adulthood #and we both have autoimmune disorders that are the first of their kind in either side of the family #just saying. #tagging for ref #older fathers #save

[furiousgoldfish]

While growing up in an abusive family, a part of me strongly refused to grow up, in fact it's still resisting it. I thought at first, it was because I was taught that I am less and less valuable as I age, but it wasn't only that. It turns out, growing around mostly abusive people, can give you some horrifying notions of what it means to be an adult.

I am going to write down how I perceived adulthood, as an abused kid, because I need to work on it myself, and if there's somebody else feeling this, know that these are not your only option for a future:

All adults are stupid, unkind, boring, bitter, aggressive, obsessed with money, do not understand people around them at all.

All adults have to play specific roles assigned to them and don't step outside of these roles. For instance: mother, grandma, father, aunt, teacher, uncle, neighbour. All roles are restrictive and people can only do whatever is assigned to this role (cleaning, cooking, working a job, going to army, being married, etc)

Adults can't play, be curious, or have fun. Adults have to be focused on their role and stay grumpy, serious, bitter and busy. They don't laugh except when drunk.

Adults are having it tougher than children. They are unloved, uncared for, nobody considers them nice or pretty, nobody wants them around or gives them gifts. Adults are permanently unwanted and undesired everywhere.

Adults have good opinions only of people who are already dead. Everyone alive is constantly being humiliated, shamed and criticized. It's better to be dead.

Adults don't care about children, and only think the worst of children. Adults think children should only exist to work and to be yelled at. Adults are dangerous.

Adults don't care about friendships, loyalty, kindness, courage, bonds, closeness, care, or love. Adults friendships are drinking and smoking in the same room while talking badly about every other person in their life. They don't play, laugh or share things. It's a big game of pretense that the other has it better.

Adults lie and fake everything. They lie about their home life, about what they know, about money. They lie about, and to their children. They tell lies confidently. They make things up if they don't know and then tell those lies as if they're truths. They don't feel guilt if caught lying and instead double down on it.

Adults have money but they can't spend it. They have to keep paying bills and they never have enough money for bills and food. They will buy alcohol and cigarettes though, but they're always stressed about bills. They consider it children's fault.

Adults are endlessly stressed about having to 'feed a family'. This is so bad that they actually end up hating their families. They wish all of their children were dead so they wouldn't have to feed them. They can't seem to stop having children but also hate feeding them. It's like they're forced into it.

Adults have to work constantly. They work their jobs and have to do endless chores when they get home. They have to get up early to do chores and do them late at night. They have to do everything alone, unless they can get a child to do it for them. They can't select not to do it, they have to shift it to someone else to avoid it. Adults have no free time, or hobbies. They have to work at all times and always know what needs to be done.

 Adults have bodies that work less and less. They can't run, climb or jump. They're always having surgeries and can barely walk. Their backs and hips hurt and they complain about the pain every time they need to do anything. They blame the work for this but can't stop working. They're still somehow stronger than children when they want to hurt children, and then they're fully mobile. But at all other times they appear sickly and need stuff done for them.

Adults never get over anything that ever happened to them. They're always victimized by everything that ever happened to them. We the children have to get over things instantly, but they are angry and bitter about the past forever. They hold grudges against family members forever. They freely take things out on other family members. They never forgive or forget or calm down.

Adults are not passionate about anything. Their main priority is looking good in front of others and convincing everyone they're better than they are.

Adults selectively care when someone is crying. If it's someone they don't know, they'll act nice about it. If they know the person they will tell them to shut up and stop annoying them. It's like they fall for strangers tears but see through anyone else's as pretense. I don't understand.

Adults die and then other adults get drunk at their funerals. They say you need to cry but they're only serious for the public part and then go and have parties where they just laugh with everyone. Adults don't care about the dead people but say you're not supposed to say anything bad about them now they're dead. They pretend they cared while the person was alive but they didn't. They obsessively clean and decorate graves just for others not to think they 'didn't care'.

Adults will betray anyone's secrets. Adults will tell other adults whatever you told them in confidence. Adults cannot be trusted with information.

Adults judge and badmouth anyone who doesn't act the way they think people are supposed to act. They will impose their own rules and morals on others and shame anyone who doesn't agree. They insist that everyone needs to follow their assigned family role even though they complain about hating their own. They use the most horrid slurs for people they consider 'bad at their role' and write these people off as parasites and worthless people

Adults all agree children should be obedient, quiet and never want anything or disturb them. They want children only to present them with achievements and work for the rest of time.

Adults have sex but nobody is supposed to say anything about it. It's unclear whether they want to be doing it. If it's a part of a role it doesn't seem like they can say no.

Adults can't be cared for or pampered like children can. Adults do not get candy or chocolate. Adults say it's because children are cute and they're not. Adults are jealous of children. Adults complain about not being cared for.

Adults don't understand how hard children have it and always say being a child is the easiest and best time of life. They seem jealous and tell children to be grateful because it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine surviving worse. They claim their childhood was better than anything they deal with now because food was free and they didn't have to have a job.

Adults have no freedom. They have to stay with family and play their role. They can't survive otherwise. They leech off of each other and hate everyone. They live by imposed rules that force everyone to stay together even if they hate each other. They hate everyone around them. They feel loyal to no one. They bring misery to themselves and people around them and don't feel shame or responsibility for anyone they've hurt or ruined.

Adults don't see others as people with their own inner world. They insist that everyone except them is stupid, shallow, mindless and worthless.

Adults are all cowards who will submit to anyone who is stronger and louder. They'll only fight those who are weaker. They don't care about justice and will happily punish victims in unfair fights. They themselves are bitter and upset if they don't get the justice.

Adults only ever look out for themselves. They don't care about other people. They want money and others to admire them and to serve them. If that is not happening they are angry and bitter at the entire world.

Adults don't see good in other people. They don't see what someone else needs or deserves. They don't care about adventures or magic. They don't have wonder or awe inside of themselves. They don't even look at beautiful things in front of them. They don't care about nature, animals or trees. They don't care about books or knowledge, or reading. They don't care about stories or legends. They don't care about people who suffer so badly they want to die. They judge people for suicide.

They don't care about creating or making something unless it can be sold for money. They don't even tolerate others doing it.

They love no one. Everything they do is a drag and a pain to them and they want to push their work on someone else all the time. They don't care about anything except money and how to get more attention and keep pretenses. They have no true friends or care for anyone. All they have is work, rules and roles they need to act. Their lives are meaningless. Even though they have money they cannot travel or use it for fun or joy. They don't think anyone should be free to do as they want. They have no dignity or honor but pretend they do when in company. They yell but pretend they're victims for 'having to yell'.

They don't care if someone wants to die because of their actions. They don't care for anyone who wants to live differently. People who live differently are worthless and stupid to them. They think they're the only ones who are always right even when they're always wrong.

Adults are convinced that when I grow up this will all make sense and I will grow up to be exactly like them

If you felt as a child, or still do, that these are the truths of adulthood, and something you'll end up becoming, it's not true, and it's mostly just abusers who live their lives in this manner. If this is the only thing you've ever known and seen as a child, adulthood would be terrifying and feel like you'd have to lose your soul in order to become like this.

I'll write another follow-up debunking these and writing what I feel adulthood is right now. It's just definitely not that. And living around people who act like this is normal, is traumatic.

#growing up in abuse #traumatic childhood #perceived notions about growing up #adulthood myths #myths of adulthood from a mind of an abused kid #child abuse #abusive adults #abusers making themselves seem like the norm #growing up in narcissistic household #the empty space in the middle is just so tumblr would let me post #apparently there's a character limit per block #and all of my bullet points were just making one block #the limit is 4096 characters btw

[skrunksthatwunk]

meant to be seen and not heard; meant to be felt, not seen

#metalocalypse #mtl #toki wartooth #nathan explosion #dude. (<- guy who made this) #i think about toki's childhood sometimes. and his adulthood too #anyway even if mr toki's dad was a reverend i don't know how acceptable like. whipping your kid would be anyway #maybe it wasn't even hidden on purpose just. subdued. unworthy of mention by anyone involved. private bc you don't talk to anyone yk #also no idk why toki's changing here. maybe got ketchup on his shirt or something #skrunkart #yeah fuck it i'll just dump everything here all at once whatever. whole bunch of tokis

[sysig]

How much of me is me? (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Handplates #Sans #Papyrus #Another one that I cried to while drawing hehe ♪ Hhhhh I love their dynamic so much <3 <3 ;; #Sans' apparent disinterest in hurting Gaster is deeply interesting to me - we see him punch Gaster in Mercyplates even! :0 #I can't help but feel that a good portion of it is Papyrus being there with him when Gaster gives them his arm haha #Would he have been as well-behaved if he'd been by himself? I wonder :) #But generally I read it as him having grown up <3 They've both matured so beautifully by that point it's just ah- such a treat to read #Their transition from their childhood to their teens and young adulthood into themselves is just jdlksafhdsfd it's incredibly well written! #I say ''I wonder'' quite a lot lol but that's just speculation - watching them grow into themselves is So Incredibly satisfying <3 #It feels so natural to watch them become themselves ♥ It's beautiful ♪♫ #And their sibling dynamic is truly unrivaled <3 They support each other! Lift each other up! Where one stumbles the other catches him! #I love them so much ahh #Papyrus' emotional intelligence gets me so bad <3 The sweetest lad #I feel like it would bother Sans that he/they have Gaster's memories and not their own #It makes me especially sad to think about everything he missed of them - if only you hadn't fallen behind on the footage Gaster! >:0 #They already have some pretty incredible identity issues just throw being pieces of him in every sense into the mix #They're grown from him and even when they got away and built themselves that still got subplanted with memories that aren't even theirs! #It's a rough spot #Papyrus though ♥ Always knows what to say hehe #Reaffirming that Sans is the most important person to him - that they are to each other - that no matter what they're brothers #And that no matter what - even having Gaster's memories or being without memories at all - that Sans is a good person #That it's not out of self-preservation or trying to do it for Papyrus' sake (even if that is a lot of it haha) #That /Sans/ is the one making that decision of his own volition and his own morals and beliefs #And that he loves and supports him no matter what <3 #''I know you can be a good person. You can choose to do the right thing'' and ''I see you being a good person. You're doing the right thing' #Hhhh <3 I love them <3

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[craycraybluejay]

yes i am an adult male who loves high school dramas this is because i literally never experienced normal coming of age drama like ever and am disconnected from the collective experience of having a relatable peer group forever hope that helps

#i JUST want to experience high school #without like. my whole shitty life thing having gone on #i want to go to high school and have stupid drama and sexuality crises and worries about grades #not... That #i never had that im never going to have that #can i get (one) permission to go a little crazy if i survive into a university #fuck everyone befriend and be-enemy everyone get all up in peoples stupid mind numbingly low stakes drama #i want that sweet golden experience where the worst thing ill ever fear is annoying my classmates #or accidentally spilling something on someone at a dance #i deserve it i deserve to have had a childhood and a young adulthood and a life #i deserve to have dealt with unserious issues to prepare me for bigger ones #rather than serious danger that leaves me permanently severed from normal people and life #and makes me incapable of reacting proportionally or finding it in me to care about less serious problems #like yes it sucks your mom is going to miss college graduation #but i thank my lucky stars that you are not dying or being abused or starved or beaten or exploited #i literally dont know how to take things seriously a lot of the time like im not able to even if i try #because to me the mildest real problem is someone purposefully isolating you and ruining your health #the MILDEST #i try to care ab simple stuff i really do i just CANT #and it sucks so much trying to be a good friend and kind feeling like i cant do enough #the loud thought 'i wish that hapoened to me/i wish i worried about that/i wish the people i love only had that as a problem' #i get so envious. like thank fucking god your parents divorced like normal adults when it should be over #thank fucking god that 'friend' cut you off when they were actively insulting you and betraying your trust #thank the fucking universe that shitty partner dumped you before you fkn hurt yourself over them #yk? #and its a 'mean/cold' way to think about it but i just dont have the capacity to think or feel the little picture #i can imagine my friends subjected to such horror even tho i dont want to

[goemon-fan]

"He should be at the-"

#I think this may be a hot take but I believe Goemon's meant to be around 18 or so in Part 1 #seeing his more emotional thought patterns and black and white moralistic thinking (unrelated to autism) #sorry i meant to write “in a way differing from typical autism and instead is an extension of his personality” #as well as his somewhat lack of wisdom on people and society and human nature as a whole #also he was 17 in the manga + other works so its not entirely out of the picture #and I therefore think his character and actions in Part 1 can be interpreted dramatically differently keeping this in mind #i think he compensates for the immaturity of his masters by doubling down on what he believes to be mature behavior #(once again unrelated to autism/autistic maturity; he lies about and downplays his true interests and lectures others on being mature) #sort of like a trauma response to the abuse he's had to endure #and he doesn't have the foresight to realize that “letting loose” won't make him like his masters #he's not grown but he's had adulthood thrust upon him and his childhood taken from him so he's just trying to survive by being an adult #he's not deliberately trying to be a jerk he's just afraid of the alternative #thank you for reading #lupin iii #lupin the third #lupin the 3rd #goemon ishikawa xiii #goemon

[thatsitso]

crying sobbing throwing up

#yall have no idea how much i love them #the image of Ol holding Qifrey like that just came to me and you know what i think its absolutely canon #them and pda>>>> #and then i also drew baby them and thought these 2 drawing kinda go together #so have them both #i am very normal about their relationship since childhood to adulthood #totally #abd also qifrey looks so cute there look at him 😭 #the little smile #i kinda fucked it up actually but fixed it digitally lmao #cause they have like 5cm and i use a regular notebook so im not able to erase much without destroying the paper xdd #so yeah ibis paint is my saviour #wha #witch hat atelier #orufrey #olruggio #qifrey #tongari boushi no atelier #tbna #art #my art #drawing #sketch #sketchbook #traditional art #olruggio x qifrey #olruggio fanart #qifrey fanart #wha fanart

[sydmarch]

anyway this is what i was actually trying to find. fucking thinking about this.

#NEED to know about their young adulthood. acele is described as 'late teens to early twenties' & we have no fucking clue how old evrart #is beyond 'around the same age as harry' which could mean anything when klaasje thinks hes 44 & kim thinks hes 56 #but i imagine they ARE actuslly very close in age bcus it'd just make sense wrt the timing of the revolution & all & yknow the parallels #so like they definitely could have been somewhere in their mid or late 20s when they came into power? & this 'at her age' as just a handful #of years before that? (choosing to just believe this line rather than taking it as him only trying to 'kids will be kids'ing away the drug #lab thing & making something up. so i can totally just like imagine lots of anger. at the state of things. about powerlessness. what do we #DO about it? probably getting into trouble & getting in fights for a long time. like leo says they ALWAYS came to help it wasn't just a one #off thing where they defended him it was just that one incident where the bullying stopped. bcus they beat him until he NEEDED STITCHES #like god i can just imagine their childhood & then the adolescent & young adult frustration & all of that coalescing into ok we WILL do #something to make things better. whatever it takes even. coming to the decision it's worth killing for #'your honor it's fine that my little meow meow had someone assassinated he had a bad childhood you see' #im chewing through concrete im throwing up im pacing my enclosure #anyway. me when i'm normal about the video game men #texticles #de #disco elysium #evrart

[seventeendeer]

adventure time, baby, I'm going to keep it real with you: you had the perfect meta setup (a spinoff of a children's cartoon made for adults who grew up with said cartoon) for a story about two characters desperate to return to simpler times (fionna longing for the subconscious memory of a fantasy land where nothing is complex and she won't have to face the trials of young adulthood in her now-mundane world, simon longing to lose his mind again so he won't have to remember his grief) coming to realize that the "simpler times" they remember were never as straightforward as their idealized memories (fionna realizing that her black-and-white worldview was actually just deeply biased and ultimately harmful, simon realizing that ice king was just as miserable as simon himself and simply lacked the tools to parse his own emotions), the idealized past they want to return to was never real, and in order to move forward, they have to face the painful realities they've been trying to avoid, mature as people, and learn to see beauty and value in their own respective lives, even if they're not the lives they'd hoped for

and then that didn't happen. there was a perfect metaphor for the false allure of nostalgia using THE "whimsical at first glance/shockingly grim under the surface" children's cartoon RIGHT THERE. How Did You Fuck That Up

#deerchatter #adventure time spoilers #i liked this series a lot but i was SO hoping the plot was a setup for a message along the lines of like #hey we know growing up is hard and you may well be tuning back into adventure time to escape the horrors of now being an adult #but this show was never the digestible silly good time you remember and neither was your childhood #don't you remember the pain? you were sad back then too except it was worse because you had no emotional tools to help yourself through it #did things seem simpler? they weren't. you hurt people and made poor choices without realizing it. you were young and didn't know any better #but you know better now. you have a responsibility to grow and learn and make better choices. this is a GOOD thing. #like do you see my vision!!!! the meta layers!!!! the potential for a painful but necessary message about choosing to grow+change+LIVE #taking a kind-but-critical eye to our childhood dreams and learning from them and applying nuance and learning to value complexity #fionna stagnating emotionally in early adulthood because of fear of the future+simon stagnating in his twilight years due to regret #aghhh i wish they'd gone for this SO BADLY it would have been the show of ALL TIME OHH #i did still like the ending a lot but. i was soooo hoping for this

[bright-eyed]

Today someone who i thought didn’t like me told me I’m a calming presence and that i always say things to them that make them feel better (like “don’t be sorry, that makes sense” etc) and idk that’s nice. I try to do that but i feel like i mostly fail so i guess that’s nice to know other people don’t see it like that

#and then another person told me my voice is calming and that i’m a comfortable presence and that i’m nice. sorry i’m just collecting these #little compliments and sharing them but i spent my whole childhood and young adulthood being told by my caregivers that i am a bitch so #it’s nice that that’s not the absolute reality of who i am. even though i still believe that about myself for some reason #i sort of wish i could show my family the version of me that would get these compliments but it’s like another person #i get embarrassed even thinking about them meeting any of my friends #they would ruin it forever #kennapost

[cinna-bunnie]

not me and my manager trauma bonding over mommy issues 💀💕 i love her aksksk oof i had to go smoke and Think after this one

i love when our one on ones are basically like lol i don't have much 2 talk about this wk and we get like 40m to hang n talk after getting work stuff out the way. she is such a sweetie and so fun (❁´◡`❁)

#i talked about my intro 2 adulthood and what it was like around before/when i left home and how my sis was just 10 when i left #so we never rly got to be close n i just started talking 2 her this year. but the last thing i told my mom was she lost her son forever #and that she better not fuck up with my sister - and she took it to heart fr which was Great for my sister. #she grew up v loved and supported and idk as the eldest u have complicated feelings being the experiment child. #and as an older sibling u are genuinely happy ur younger sibling has it so much better but there's this disconnect where u both have #Very very different feelings about ur mom and family in general ig. but it's from having lived different lives and idk. #she relates though 😔💕 oldest sibs rly b dealing w moms that tear them down then watch w bittersweet feelings that ur sibs get a better #life. my life itself is fine lol im kinda stoned (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) but like. a good loving childhood. support. community n never feeling like #there's Nothing for u here. she's turning 21 in December it's crazy how time flies. I'm glad she's doing good but I'm just thinking about #how we had Very different lives and stuff going on in our late teens 😮‍💨 #bless my manager fr i'm glad we got to get into it !! 😹 i can see why i miss her when we don't get to meet for the week

[hephaestuscrew]

We know very little about the childhoods of any of the Wolf 359 characters, but one of the few things we do know from canon is that Eiffel and Minkowski were both bullied as children (at least according to how I interpret Minkowski's speech from Shut Up and Listen, and Pryce telling Eiffel "Oh my, that was quite a beating Alison Thornton gave you. Second grade was not a happy time, was it?" in the finale). Which is unfortunately not unusual enough to be surprising, but is still a sad thing to have in common.

#Because there's very little information in the show about their childhoods. anything we do learn feels significant #Minkowski directly talks about how those experiences have affected her into adulthood #and I think Eiffel was affected by it in a different way #He was 7 or 8 and getting beaten up by a girl whose full name he still remembers #It's stuck with him #There are other ways you could interpret that line than him being bullied #but 'Second grade was not a happy time' implies that it wasn't a one-time victimisation #Minkowski was 11 and in an entirely new country whose language she didn't speak #and she felt like 'a wounded gazelle' to the other kids #and the legacy of that experience is still there in how she speaks #Weirdly enough Hilbert might be the one whose childhood we know the most about #but that's because his childhood was off-the-scale bad #w359 #Wolf 359 #Doug Eiffel #Renée Minkowski #the empty man posteth #w359 spoilers #wolf 359 spoilers

[commsroom]

As our resident Eiffel expert, what do you think his childhood was like? As in, do you think there might be some trauma there? (Probably nothing “major”— nothing he’d think of as trauma— but I feel like it probably wasn’t entirely healthy either. Or maybe that’s just projection due to knowing someone veeery similar to Eiffel)

oh! i wrote about some of that in this post.

that line from his backstory doc - "eiffel was extremely hesitant at first, but desperate to become independent from his family and strapped for cash, he finally relented." - and what gabriel urbina said about eiffel being an unsupervised "tv is my parent" kid really defines / reinforces my perception of his childhood. like, mostly i think eiffel's parents just... weren't around. i think he was an only child, and hasn't been in contact with his family for, like, his whole adult life. he's resentful about people always forgetting his birthday in a way that makes sense if he's been holding onto that hurt since childhood. he's so used to being alone - not even being present in his own life - and he's internalized the feeling that he doesn't matter much to anyone. i think it was @books-space-things who said something to me, like, eiffel is so used to being alone, he doesn't realize how lonely he is.

most of his relevant backstory stuff with canon basis is covered in that linked post, so, on the headcanon side of things... he's got that undiagnosed / unmedicated adhd; i'm sure as a kid he was constantly getting the message, like, "i know you can do this, why don't you try harder?" and he didn't know why it was hard for him, so he thought he must just be lazy. i think he really wanted a dog, and either 1) really got his hopes up, but never got one, or 2) had a dog, but came home from school one day to find out his parents gave it away. if his parents were still together, they probably shouldn't have been. needless to say, i don't think he had a happy childhood, but i don't know if he fully recognizes the ways it was unhappy, because more than anything it was just kind of... empty? because his parents' lack of attention meant he got to like, stay up and watch movies all night on a school night, and eat junk food, and go wherever he wanted by himself, whenever he wanted... when he's talking about his childhood, sometimes he mistakes that for freedom. and that kinda ties into his pop culture escapism. but, like, he's probably got a core childhood memory of waiting for one of his parents to take him to / pick him up from something they completely forgot about. pretty much his whole life, i think eiffel's been training himself to expect disappointment.

#wolf 359 #w359 #doug eiffel #asks #basically. yeah i agree. i don't think he had a good childhood but i think it was mostly defined by absence. #and that's probably one of the reasons he got into such a toxic relationship as an adult. he's starved for emotional intensity #like no matter how much he tries not to care. he really really cares. eiffel is a guy with a Lot of feelings and not a lot of good outlets. #... and however it turned out. he really did want to be there for anne. he wanted to be a better parent for her. #i also think he entered the workforce young and constantly went through that cycle of like #working is the only way to pay for things i want. nevermind nothing is worth doing this job for even one more day. i'm out #that continued into adulthood but with more serious consequences. #anyway. thank you for asking. he makes me so sad. #sorry i haven't been posting much outside of answering asks lately. but. it's my birthday today. can you guys send me things about eiffel.