#myths of adulthood from a mind of an abused kid

[furiousgoldfish]

While growing up in an abusive family, a part of me strongly refused to grow up, in fact it's still resisting it. I thought at first, it was because I was taught that I am less and less valuable as I age, but it wasn't only that. It turns out, growing around mostly abusive people, can give you some horrifying notions of what it means to be an adult.

I am going to write down how I perceived adulthood, as an abused kid, because I need to work on it myself, and if there's somebody else feeling this, know that these are not your only option for a future:

All adults are stupid, unkind, boring, bitter, aggressive, obsessed with money, do not understand people around them at all.

All adults have to play specific roles assigned to them and don't step outside of these roles. For instance: mother, grandma, father, aunt, teacher, uncle, neighbour. All roles are restrictive and people can only do whatever is assigned to this role (cleaning, cooking, working a job, going to army, being married, etc)

Adults can't play, be curious, or have fun. Adults have to be focused on their role and stay grumpy, serious, bitter and busy. They don't laugh except when drunk.

Adults are having it tougher than children. They are unloved, uncared for, nobody considers them nice or pretty, nobody wants them around or gives them gifts. Adults are permanently unwanted and undesired everywhere.

Adults have good opinions only of people who are already dead. Everyone alive is constantly being humiliated, shamed and criticized. It's better to be dead.

Adults don't care about children, and only think the worst of children. Adults think children should only exist to work and to be yelled at. Adults are dangerous.

Adults don't care about friendships, loyalty, kindness, courage, bonds, closeness, care, or love. Adults friendships are drinking and smoking in the same room while talking badly about every other person in their life. They don't play, laugh or share things. It's a big game of pretense that the other has it better.

Adults lie and fake everything. They lie about their home life, about what they know, about money. They lie about, and to their children. They tell lies confidently. They make things up if they don't know and then tell those lies as if they're truths. They don't feel guilt if caught lying and instead double down on it.

Adults have money but they can't spend it. They have to keep paying bills and they never have enough money for bills and food. They will buy alcohol and cigarettes though, but they're always stressed about bills. They consider it children's fault.

Adults are endlessly stressed about having to 'feed a family'. This is so bad that they actually end up hating their families. They wish all of their children were dead so they wouldn't have to feed them. They can't seem to stop having children but also hate feeding them. It's like they're forced into it.

Adults have to work constantly. They work their jobs and have to do endless chores when they get home. They have to get up early to do chores and do them late at night. They have to do everything alone, unless they can get a child to do it for them. They can't select not to do it, they have to shift it to someone else to avoid it. Adults have no free time, or hobbies. They have to work at all times and always know what needs to be done.

 Adults have bodies that work less and less. They can't run, climb or jump. They're always having surgeries and can barely walk. Their backs and hips hurt and they complain about the pain every time they need to do anything. They blame the work for this but can't stop working. They're still somehow stronger than children when they want to hurt children, and then they're fully mobile. But at all other times they appear sickly and need stuff done for them.

Adults never get over anything that ever happened to them. They're always victimized by everything that ever happened to them. We the children have to get over things instantly, but they are angry and bitter about the past forever. They hold grudges against family members forever. They freely take things out on other family members. They never forgive or forget or calm down.

Adults are not passionate about anything. Their main priority is looking good in front of others and convincing everyone they're better than they are.

Adults selectively care when someone is crying. If it's someone they don't know, they'll act nice about it. If they know the person they will tell them to shut up and stop annoying them. It's like they fall for strangers tears but see through anyone else's as pretense. I don't understand.

Adults die and then other adults get drunk at their funerals. They say you need to cry but they're only serious for the public part and then go and have parties where they just laugh with everyone. Adults don't care about the dead people but say you're not supposed to say anything bad about them now they're dead. They pretend they cared while the person was alive but they didn't. They obsessively clean and decorate graves just for others not to think they 'didn't care'.

Adults will betray anyone's secrets. Adults will tell other adults whatever you told them in confidence. Adults cannot be trusted with information.

Adults judge and badmouth anyone who doesn't act the way they think people are supposed to act. They will impose their own rules and morals on others and shame anyone who doesn't agree. They insist that everyone needs to follow their assigned family role even though they complain about hating their own. They use the most horrid slurs for people they consider 'bad at their role' and write these people off as parasites and worthless people

Adults all agree children should be obedient, quiet and never want anything or disturb them. They want children only to present them with achievements and work for the rest of time.

Adults have sex but nobody is supposed to say anything about it. It's unclear whether they want to be doing it. If it's a part of a role it doesn't seem like they can say no.

Adults can't be cared for or pampered like children can. Adults do not get candy or chocolate. Adults say it's because children are cute and they're not. Adults are jealous of children. Adults complain about not being cared for.

Adults don't understand how hard children have it and always say being a child is the easiest and best time of life. They seem jealous and tell children to be grateful because it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine surviving worse. They claim their childhood was better than anything they deal with now because food was free and they didn't have to have a job.

Adults have no freedom. They have to stay with family and play their role. They can't survive otherwise. They leech off of each other and hate everyone. They live by imposed rules that force everyone to stay together even if they hate each other. They hate everyone around them. They feel loyal to no one. They bring misery to themselves and people around them and don't feel shame or responsibility for anyone they've hurt or ruined.

Adults don't see others as people with their own inner world. They insist that everyone except them is stupid, shallow, mindless and worthless.

Adults are all cowards who will submit to anyone who is stronger and louder. They'll only fight those who are weaker. They don't care about justice and will happily punish victims in unfair fights. They themselves are bitter and upset if they don't get the justice.

Adults only ever look out for themselves. They don't care about other people. They want money and others to admire them and to serve them. If that is not happening they are angry and bitter at the entire world.

Adults don't see good in other people. They don't see what someone else needs or deserves. They don't care about adventures or magic. They don't have wonder or awe inside of themselves. They don't even look at beautiful things in front of them. They don't care about nature, animals or trees. They don't care about books or knowledge, or reading. They don't care about stories or legends. They don't care about people who suffer so badly they want to die. They judge people for suicide.

They don't care about creating or making something unless it can be sold for money. They don't even tolerate others doing it.

They love no one. Everything they do is a drag and a pain to them and they want to push their work on someone else all the time. They don't care about anything except money and how to get more attention and keep pretenses. They have no true friends or care for anyone. All they have is work, rules and roles they need to act. Their lives are meaningless. Even though they have money they cannot travel or use it for fun or joy. They don't think anyone should be free to do as they want. They have no dignity or honor but pretend they do when in company. They yell but pretend they're victims for 'having to yell'.

They don't care if someone wants to die because of their actions. They don't care for anyone who wants to live differently. People who live differently are worthless and stupid to them. They think they're the only ones who are always right even when they're always wrong.

Adults are convinced that when I grow up this will all make sense and I will grow up to be exactly like them

If you felt as a child, or still do, that these are the truths of adulthood, and something you'll end up becoming, it's not true, and it's mostly just abusers who live their lives in this manner. If this is the only thing you've ever known and seen as a child, adulthood would be terrifying and feel like you'd have to lose your soul in order to become like this.

I'll write another follow-up debunking these and writing what I feel adulthood is right now. It's just definitely not that. And living around people who act like this is normal, is traumatic.

#growing up in abuse #traumatic childhood #perceived notions about growing up #adulthood myths #myths of adulthood from a mind of an abused kid #child abuse #abusive adults #abusers making themselves seem like the norm #growing up in narcissistic household #the empty space in the middle is just so tumblr would let me post #apparently there's a character limit per block #and all of my bullet points were just making one block #the limit is 4096 characters btw

[cricketnationrise]

Quarantine Reads Part 6

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

126. Battle Magic by Tamora Pierce: flashback book. takes place between Street Magic and The Will of the Empress in the emelan series. tw: war, violence, death, threat of sexual violence, torture

127. Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates: memoir in the form of a letter to his son focusing on being black in America.

128. Elantris by Brandon Sanderson: first in the elantris series. also sanderson’s first novel. epic fantasy. political intrigue. demons posing as religious leaders. if atlantis was just a place for powered people along the coast and then suddenly everyone inside decayed and became a myth.

129. Stuffed Vol. 1 by Extended Play: adorable comic strip collection where a girl’s stuffed animals are alive and talk to her and each other. all of them are mythological creatures: unicorn, dragon, gryphon, etc. chaos ensues. you never see the parents’ faces. can read for free on webtoons (and i think tapas? i’d have to check)

130. The Door in the Hedge and Other Stories by Robin McKinley: short story collection. fairy tale riffs mostly.

131. Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett: book 12 in the discworld series. 3 witches need to help out a scullery maid on her way to a ball, a cat turns into a hyper sexual man, a prince turns into a frog, there’s another witch in a bog, reanimated butler

132. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy: okay look. this is one of those that i am glad i read and i absolutely will never read again. there’s so many philosophy tangents, everyone is whiny, and its 1812 for like 2/3 of the book. 2 epilogues, why???

133. The Isle of Youth: Stories by Laura van den Berg: short story collection, women-centered

134. Heartstopper: Volume One by Alice Oseman: found the webcomic at the beginning of the pandemic, got a physical copy a few months later. sweet high school comic about Charlie and Nick falling in love with each other

135. The Witch’s Kind by Louisa Morgan: her magic systems are always interesting. woman’s dog finds a child abandoned on the beach. the kid has gills. alternating timelines, the woman’s childhood and young adulthood in the lead up to WW2 and post WW2 from finding the baby. eventually the timelines connect.

136. Parnassus On Wheels by Christopher Morley: eager to get away from her layabout brother, a woman buys a book wagon and goes around to various farms/towns selling books to locals. falls in love with the previous owner of the wagon

137. Shadow Scale by Rachel Hartman: book 2 in the Seraphina series. dragons and humans are living tensely next to each other, seraphina and a few other half dragon/half humans have to stop an all out war. also the antagonist can control minds. so. oh! and seraphina ends up in a poly relationship at the end

138. The Dragon Slayer of Trondheim by EK Johnston: middle grade novel about a girl who becomes the bard for a dragon slayer. very cool world building. set in canada.

139. The Giver: Graphic Novel by P. Craig Russell: beautiful artwork. words all taken from the novel by lois lowry. all in blues and whites before Jonas gets the memories of colors.

140. Serpentine by Philip Pullman: short story set in the golden compass universe sometime after Amber Spyglass. illustrated.

141. Thunderhead by Neal Shusterman: book 2 in the arc of a scythe series. please read the first one first, this is a continuation for sure. alternating POV.

142. The Patron Saint of Liars by Ann Patchett: novel following one woman’s life through her eyes, her second husband’s eyes, and her daughter’s eyes. i believe it is ann patchetts first novel.

143. Snapdragon by Kat Leyh: graphic novel with loads of queer representation, magic, and growing up in a small town tw: parental abuse, danger to minors

144. The Toll by Neal Shusterman: third and final book in the arc of a scythe series. extremely satisfying ending to the series.

145. Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches by Audre Lorde: essay collection, focus on racism and feminism

146. The Little Witch by M. Rickert: tor.com short story, spooky vibes, older woman takes in a strange little girl

147. The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E Harrow: i’m so mad i didn’t get a chance to read it when it first came out because WHERE had it been all my life. doorways to other worlds, a huge dog that is fiercely protective of its owner, magic, fun names. framework is that the book you are reading is a book written by various characters in the story. that shit is my catnip. content warning: harm to dog (THE DOG IS FINE I PROMISE), murder, protagonist held prisoner in her room multiple times

148. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro: very strange book. i loved every second of it. the weirdest boarding school you’ve ever attended. if you think i’m being vague i am. a story you’ll want to discover on your own.

149. A Room with a View by EM Forster: follow this one young woman around italy and then the english countryside as she deals with society’s expectations. writing style takes a little bit to get used to but worth the time to read it.

150. The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune: buckle up buttercups. this book has everything: found family, queer representation, kids with powers, small town charms, a cat!, heartwrenching poetry, on purpose child acquisition, sticking it to the man, Extremely Upper Management, the antichrist. everyone needs to read this book. i now need to get my hands on everything klune has written. i also wouldn’t mind like, 40 more novels in this universe.

#tamora pierce #battle magic #emelan #the circle reforged #between the world and me #ta-nehisi coates #elantris #brandon sanderson #stuffed comic #extended play #the door in the hedge #robin mckinley #witches abroad #sir terry pratchett #discworld series #discworld #war and peace #leo tolstoy #the isle of youth #laura van den berg #heartstopper #alice oseman #the witch's kind #louisa morgan #parnassus on wheels #christopher morely #shadow scale #seraphina #rachel hartman #the dragon slayer of trondheim

[lovemesomesurveys]

[yourheaventonight]

Where have you been all my life? I’ve always been right here.

Can you recite the Greek alphabet backwards? Nope. Or at all.

What social networks are you a part of? Like every main one.

Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? I’m not a total expert on anything.

What is one thing you will never understand? Why I’m like this.

Do you blog? This is it.

What was the last movie you watched? Godzilla vs Kong.

^Would you recommend it? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Admittedly, I was mainly interesting for Alexander Skarsgard, but I did think the movie was good.

With whom did you share your last awkward moment? My life is an awkward moment.

When was the last time you got all dolled up? It’s been yearsss.

Gimme yer best shot and insult me. Go ahead. Uh, no.

What do you think makes a person attractive? Physical attributes, certainly, but personality traits and who they are as a person makes a person attractive to me as well. Even more so.

Out of everyone you know, who has the worst taste in music? I don’t think anyone I know has bad taste in music, I share a lot of the same music taste.

^How about the best? ^^^

Can guys REALLY pull off skinny jeans? They can wear whatever they want.

What is one thing you missed out on that you wish you hadn't? I missed out on a lot of my 20s I feel like, it feels like a complete blur. I don’t know what happened to them. And now I’m in my 30s and I feel like I’m missing out on those, too. Just life, in general for the past several years. Everyone around is me is doing things and living life and I’m just wasting away.

What was the last thing/place you decorated? My room for Christmas.

Have you just recently started listening to any new bands? No. It’s been a long time since I’ve discovered any new bands.

How many windows/tabs are open on your computer right now? Two windows, 7 tabs.

Would you rather date someone really skinny or really overweight? I want to date someone based on other things. 

Let me in on a little secret of yours. Nah.

What is one habit you had as a child? Nail biting/picking. 

^Do you still have that habit today? Sigh, yes.

Is there someone you wish you were closer with? Yes.

^What's stopping you from being closer with them? I’ve been so distant and withdrawn from everyone.

Besides air, what was the last thing you inhaled? The scent of my ramen earlier.

Which point in life do you think is hardest? (i.e. childhood, adulthood...) For me it’s been the past few years.

How was life going for you, say, six months ago? Not well.

^Is that the same as today, or have things changed? Things have changed, but not in a good way.

Who was the last person to make you frown? It’s been things I’m struggling with doing that, not a person.

^Was anyone able to turn that frown upside-down? No.

What was the last non-papery substance you drew on? I have no idea.

What is one thing you wish you had the courage to do? Get certain things checked out and taken care of that I’ve put off for too long.

Which is bigger: Your iTunes library or your CD collection? My iTunes collection was definitely better. I haven’t used iTunes since like 2012, though, and I don’t have any CDs anymore.

What is your one true weakness? I’m just weak.

When is the last time you had hot chocolate? It’s been a couple years.

Composition notebooks or spiral notebooks? Why? Spiral. I just like them better.

What is the most bizarre compliment you've ever received? That I looked pretty for someone with polio. I don’t have polio, but they assumed I did just because I’m in a wheelchair. Also, what does that even mean? “For someone with polio.” Wtf?

Do you identify more with guys or girls? I think I relate more to girls.

When someone you know is sad, how do you go about cheering them up? I kinda suck at that and don’t know what to do or say.

Has someone ever accused you of not being creative enough? I say that about myself. I lack creativity or any artistic ability. 

Starbucks coffee or Dunkin Donuts coffee? I’ve only had Dunkin’s coffee a few times, but I’ve had Starbucks countless times and I do like it, so I’ll go with that. I do wish I had a Dunkin where I live cause apart from the donuts, I’ve heard they do have good brewed coffee.

Do you crack under peer pressure? Yepppp. And it doesn’t take much.

What do you think deserves more attention than it already gets? Hmm.

What song never fails to get stuck in your head? Songs I hear in commercials.

Who is your favorite vocalist? Why? Chester Bennington is one. His voice was incredible.

What is your most overused emoticon? This one: 😬 Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) Nah.

When was the last time you had a bagel? Hm. It’s been awhile, actually. I don’t even remember. Can you lick your own elbow? No.

What time during the day/night is your mind most active? At night when I’m up alone.

What color ink does your favorite pen have? I have a nice set of colorful pens that I really like.

What was the last thing you licked? My lips.

Who was the last person in your bed besides yourself? Just me. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No.

What flavor mouthwash do you use? I don’t. Mouthwash irritates my mouth.

What tends to distract you most? I just find myself zoning out a lot. Like, someone will be talking to me and I feel myself getting overwhelmed quite easily and drift out and it doesn’t mean they’re boring or talking about heavy things (sometimes they are). I get like sensory overload. Or I’ll just be sitting in bed and zone out.

Is the perfect man or woman a myth? Yes. No one is perfect.

How do you feel about Bob Marley? I like a couple songs.

What's your favorite fairy tale? I liked reading or listening to all of them when I was growing up. <<<

Do you know who Tom Jones is? Yes.

Tell me one fact you know about horses (without using Google). They have manes.

When was the last time you had to walk up or down stairs? Well, never since I’m in a wheelchair.

Tell me one unique quality about your own handwriting. My handwriting is shit.

What daily chore do you secretly enjoy? I don’t enjoy any type of cleaning.

Has a child ever asked you a question you found difficult to answer? Definitely. Kids ask a lot of questions about everything and anything.

Name five books you've read in the past year. I’ve read a ton more than that, but I’ll give you the latest 5: Cold Highway, Cold Threat, Cold Hunt, Cold Truth, and To Die For.  You can probably tell the first 4 are by the same author, Mary Stone. The last one is by Willow Rose.

^Are any of those books your favorite? I’ve enjoyed ‘em all. I’ve read a lot of books from both authors.

Are you a person that enjoys re-reading books? I don’t re-read books, actually. 

Which hobby is the lamest: stamp collecting or spoon collecting? I wouldn’t call either of them lame just cause it might not be something I’m personally interested in. Those bring some people joy.

What do you daydream about most often? My mind wanders off to random stuff, stuff I’m dealing with, stuff I’m anxious and stressed out about, etc.

Why is your favorite band your favorite band? I’ve listened to them since middle school, so we have a lot of history. I really just connect and relate to their lyrics and I love their music.

Do you have a favorite talk show host? Nah.

What do you wish you could afford at the moment? A beach home with my own private beach area. 

What is the most unusual color you've ever painted your nails? I can’t think of any “unusual” colors that I’ve painted them. 

Which sounds the most refreshing: a hot shower or a cold one? I always take hot showers.

Have you ever made your own soap? No.

What's your favorite popsicle flavor? Not a popsicle fan.

Can you sleep with socks on? Yeah, I always have socks on.

When was the last time you were pissed beyond belief and why? I’ve been frustrated and pissed with some things I’ve been dealing with lately. 

Name a band with the word 'red' in their title. Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Do you have a favorite candle brand? I’m not a candle person. I just go for the room sprays.

How many years until you turn 38? 6. D:

What is your opinion on taxidermy? I find it super creepy and weird.

Would you ever want to own a body part in a jar? Uh, no.

What is the worst thing you have ever done to your own hair? Let it get really knotted up. :/

What do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? Nothing.

What qualities of yours do you think could potentially harm a relationship? I’m a total mess, I wouldn’t make a good girlfriend. 

How often do you indulge in a favorite food from your childhood? I eat ramen regularly.

Have any of your childhood habits carried over into adolescence/adulthood? My damn nail picking habit. 

What is the nicest thing you've done for someone else in the past 24 hours? Nothing.

What sort of conditions do you require in order for you to fall asleep? It needs to be cool and I have to have the TV on.

What is the first band that comes to mind when I say 'dark'? Uhhh.

Do you have a favorite punk band? Green Day.

As far as relationships go, what are your biggest deal-breakers? Abuse and cheating. <<<

Be honest: do looks really matter to you? They’re like a bonus to me. <<<

Congratulations! Someone sent you flowers! What kind do you hope they are? I’m not picky, just a pretty assortment perhaps would be nice.

What type of underwear do you personally prefer to wear? Hipsters.

What is the grossest chore you've ever been assigned? Nothing gross.

What band (BESIDES IRON MAIDEN) comes to mind when I say 'iron'? I got nothin. 

Have you ever done something simply because you were of age? I had to go out and buy alcohol the day I turned 21.

Do you think it's worth it to tell someone you had feelings for them when you don't have them anymore? Wait, tell them I used to have feelings for them but don’t anymore? If I don’t anymore then why tell them about when I used to? Unless of course we were in a relationship and I no longer felt that way.

What color shirts do you tend to buy most often? Black.

Have you ever done something you once thought you'd be too chicken to do? Yeah.

Where would you rather go: Portland, Oregon or Portland, Maine? Portland, Oregon.

Name a band that begins with the letter Y. Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Tell me about someone who has made a huge impact in your life. My mom most definitely has.

What can I usually find you doing at 4pm on a weekday? At that time any day I’m likely still sleeping.

What's a food you love but don't get to eat very often? I only eat the same few foods, so I eat them quite often. Like, I eat Wingstop 3-4 times a week...

Do you dot your lowercase i's? Yes.

What's the first song on your iPod/mp3 player that comes up under P? I use Spotify on my phone for music, but anyway nah I don’t feel like doing that. 

Do the words 'Amon' and 'Amarth' mean anything to you? No.

What's your favorite mythical being? I don’t really have a favorite.

Don't you hate surveys that end abruptly? As long as the question itself isn’t cut off, which I’ve seen, or it’s a numbered one and a question is completely missing then I don’t care.

Let's end this survey with a smile; tell me something funny. I’m not in a good mood to think of something funny right now.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[azdoine]

So let’s talk about them cherubs.

I think it’s no secret that Calliope and Caliborn have always been deeply gendered characters in Homestuck, but (beyond fanart and enthusiastic headcanons) I personally haven’t seen a lot of engagement with their characters on that level. The most comprehensive readings of Calliope and Caliborn that I’ve seen have always been through the lens of metatext (Calliope and Caliborn as fandom avatars) or religion (Calliope and Caliborn as Gnostic figures).

With that in mind, I want to talk about the ways in which Calliope and Caliborn are gendered in Homestuck, and offer my own amateur reading of Calliope as a trans allegory.

Full disclosure, I love the epilogues, but I won’t be engaging with them here -- I view them as extracanonical, which is to say, I’d like to talk about them and their own presentation of Calliope’s story in another post.

Also, it’s Homestuck, so, you know. Sex, death, violence, and bigotry under the cut:

If we’re to read Calliope as a trans allegory, then we don’t need to look very far for evidence, because the text is very straightforward in suggesting it.

Almost as soon as we meet Calliope in the flesh for the first time, we’re confronted with the bleak reality of her desire for a more feminine embodiment:

'Callie Ohpeee’ serves as an aspirational figure for Calliope on multiple levels. Most obviously, she’s a vehicle for Calliope’s self-insertion into the wider world of paradox space and the alpha timeline (i.e. her self-insertion into the story of Homestuck); Callie Ohpeee is able to freely and directly interact with the elements and characters of the story that Calliope adores, while Calliope cannot. Somewhat less obviously, Calliope’s trollsona also serves as a way for her to imagine herself in non-caliginous relationships (which she desires on some level, but she feels she has been denied by her biology).

However, Calliope’s trollsona isn’t just a vehicle for her relationships and engagement with other people. Calliope’s trollsona is also key to the way in which Calliope desires to relate to herself.

Calliope desires to be attractive and feminine for her own sake: she desires to be beautiful and pretty, and her trollsona serves as the vehicle by which she satisfies this desire.

Calliope’s trollsona is quite literally her idealized feminine self, and so her relaxing “solo cosplay” sessions bring nothing more to mind than a trans woman privately enjoying a feminine presentation in the closet, as many trans women have. Her costumery and face paint imply clothes and makeup, and Caliborn takes on the role of a patriarch or patriarchy that tries to control her.

Ultimately, though, Calliope’s embodiment desires are cosmically validated by the unfolding drama of paradox space. Calliope is tormented by the apparent fact that she isn’t and can’t be Callie Ohpeee, but nevertheless, she successfully inserts herself into the lives of the alpha kids and the unfolding of the alpha timeline, forms the kinds of relationships that she wants, and receives the regard that she wants. She dies and takes on the form of her trollsona in the dream bubbles, and even when she’s physically reborn as her cherub self, she’s still “Callie” to Roxy, a meaningful nickname that goes basically unspoken.

Pretty straightforward, right? A trans girl learns that she and her body aren’t unlovable, makes friends and forms bonds as her true self, and escapes the reach of the forces that once abused her.

FEARFUL SYMMETRY

Before we can close the door on a trans reading of Calliope, we also have to consider Calliope and Caliborn as a pair, and not least because the two of them literally share the same body. Fair warning, we’re only going to get more speculative (and more indulgent) going forward.

Calliope and Caliborn are presented, at least superficially, as absolute and dichotomous opposites. They are two spirits that cannot coexist at once within the same body; their respective attitudes and temperaments couldn’t be any more different, and they are, of course, Muse and Lord: quintessentially passive and quintessentially active.

However, Calliope and Caliborn aren’t so different as one might think. Despite Caliborn’s violent protestations to the contrary, they share key characterizing interests in the likes of shipping...

...and art:

Caliborn is infamous for his disgust and anger with the absurdity of paradox space (i.e. his anger with the text of Homestuck itself), but Calliope is easily provoked into displaying the exact same petulant frustration with the direction of the story and the unfolding of events around her.

Calliope and Caliborn are consistently unified within the text -- not as incompatible opposites, but as two sides of the same coin. In Complacency of the Learned, Calliope and Caliborn are personified in the singular, androgynous Calmasis. In his chess match with Calliope, Caliborn disguises his king as his queen, and vice versa, signifying a mutual transgression and inversion of gender; Caliborn steals Calliope’s hemotyping and typing quirk, just as alternate!Calliope does the same to him, in a mutual appropriation not just of quirk (i.e. voice and presentation), but of blood, or life. On the level of the body, Caliborn’s skin is inextricably marked by the green that signifies Calliope, and Calliope is inextricably marked by Caliborn’s skull: the deaths-head he would inflict upon all life (and a hyperrealization of the masculine or unfeminine bone structure that troubles many trans women).

Most significantly, Aranea indicates to us that Calliope and Caliborn actually began as one being, which then went on to fracture into a male and female aspect, striving with and against each other -- a creation myth for gender and sexuality itself, in the vein of Plato’s Symposium, Rabbinic lore on Adam and Eve, and (rather topically) Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

With their fundamental unity in mind, we can read Calliope and Caliborn not just as ‘brother and sister’, but rather as two identities, personas, or aspects of one person. This is why, for example, calling a cherub by one of their two names brings that personality to the surface -- because, on a literal or symbolic level, it constitutes the active validation of that personality and identity, and the abject denial of the other.

Does all of this suggest a bigender, genderfluid, or otherwise non-binary reading of Calliope and Caliborn? Maybe, but let’s keep going, first.

Aranea’s exposition tells us that even adult, mature, ‘binary’ cherubs are still figures of gender duality, inversion, and transgression. Mating cherubs take on the forms of dueling cosmic serpents -- the sex act occurs between two hyperreal phallic symbols, suggesting male homosexuality in specific and queerness more broadly. It was Calliope’s biological father who ultimately submitted to their biological mother, and thus it was Calliope’s biological father who laid their egg, while their biological mother was the one to fertilize it, revealing the separation of sexual anatomy and power relations from gender among cherubs.

The gender dualities, inversions, and transgressions at play can still exist within cherubs who are, by all accounts, decisively male or female in gender identity -- despite the lack of of any way to assign them a sex or gender from the outside. 

The dueling personalities within each young cherub are siblings to each other, but they are also different possible selves that the cosmically-transgender cherub might become as they grow to adulthood -- just as the dueling alternate selves of so many other characters can illuminate their own internal conflicts. In Homestuck, the inner life is always prone to manifest in the outer life, again and again.

I TRAGICALLY LOST A SISTER TO MURDER

Having established a reading of Calliope and Caliborn as two identities within one person -- as ‘Calmasis’ at odds with themself, containing multitudes and torn between them -- we can move on to look at the way Calliope and Caliborn relate to each other, and to gender, in order to get the bigger picture.

Caliborn introduces himself to us as undyingUmbrage, a username of largely straightforward meaning. His umbrage -- his anger, irritation, annoyance, or offense in the face of the world -- is neverending, everlasting, and eternal, and so too is his own life. Caliborn is immortal, allowing him to carry his rage forward forever.

If Caliborn’s username is simple, then Calliope’s is more sophisticated, which fits their characters. As uranianUmbra, her title invokes most obviously Uranus the planet and Urania the heavenly muse, but also the ‘uranian’, Karl Ulrichs’ antiquated title for gay men and trans women: those with an anima muliebris virili corpore inclusa, “a woman’s soul enclosed in a man’s body.” As the umbra, or darkest shadow, she invokes the Jungian shadow archetype, the suppressed, unconscious, or rejected aspect of the self.

As such, Calliope identifies and codes herself both as transfeminine and as Caliborn’s allegorical shadow archetype -- a part of himself that he can neither accept, acknowledge, or escape, perpetually haunting him. In-universe, Calliope names herself after Uranus’ topspin, and the ‘English’ of a cue-ball that it echoes -- thus, she implicitly identifies herself and the trans feminine uranian with the cue-ball that threatens Caliborn and Lord English. She symbolically establishes herself and the trans feminine as Caliborn’s only intrinsic vulnerabilities!

And on some level, Calliope tells us all of this! Because while Caliborn wants to destroy Calliope, she hopes to make him like her:

Calliope manifests a sincere investment in so many of the things that Caliborn orbits at a distance. Thus, to Caliborn, she represents a threat from within to his ability to maintain distance, because on some level, she serves as a manifestation of his own desire to draw closer. She confronts him with the reality of his own desire, or at least, with the latent possibility of his own sincere investment -- she serves to remind him that anyone who can waste as much time on creating Homosuck as he does is both an invested creative and sincerely invested in Homestuck on some level.

And it’s much the same on the level of gender, too. Calliope serves as a sincere reflection of the gender identity that Caliborn can only orbit at a distance. It was, after all, Caliborn’s idea to swap the king and queen chess pieces, and to disguise them as each other. Calliope lashes out at him because he cannot do so earnestly: because Caliborn makes a shitty twist out of his insincere production, because he can’t commit to swapping the places of the king and queen, and because he abuses Calliope’s willingness to swap the pieces (because he abuses and misdirects her inclination to gender transgression, and by extension, betrays the premises of his own idea).

This is why Caliborn kills Calliope’s dreamself instead of predominating over her in the conventional way -- not just because it’s easier and more convenient for him, but because his predomination would mean “consuming” her personality and “integrating” with it. It would constitute an integration with his shadow archetype, and thus, on some level, a partial destruction of the persona and ego he has established for himself. To Caliborn, as pathological as he has become, any level of integration with Calliope represents an existential threat, and so he has to cut her out of himself like a cancer.

But even having cut Calliope out of himself, Caliborn cannot escape her. By cutting her out of himself, he has defined himself around the hole she has left in him -- he has permanently divorced himself of the opportunity to integrate with her or accept what she represents. While both Caliborn and alt!Calliope take up each other’s typing quirks as a sign of victory, Caliborn takes Calliope’s quirk as a way by which he can signal his ‘wholeness’:

And this is, of course, complete bullshit and posturing of the highest order. Andrew Hussie not only directly characterizes the conflict between Caliborn and Calliope as an inner conflict within him, but he also tells him that his only path to maturity and personal growth was through integration with Calliope.

Not to be denied, Caliborn continues to constantly assert the self-justifying completion and authority of his masculinity, for himself and for others...

...but even so, he still can’t help but betray himself and his own idealized masculinity:

Masc4masc, Caliborn certainly isn’t! In his creative endeavors, he telegraphs his ultimate disgust for masculinity. He needs to draw out the femininity he wants to see in men -- he acts out gruesome, hateful misogyny against women, but even as he murders so many of the women of his manga or otherwise ejects them from his story, he’s still compelled to recreate femininity and symbolically recreate womanhood within the male cast he has left behind.

And he’s not just motivated by homophobia and a disgust for men who are intimate with other men! Nor is he just motivated by a desire to place these feminized characters below him. Just as Calliope does sincerely with her Callie Ohpeee trollsona, Caliborn is compelled to feminize his own self-insert, the crude rendition of Lord English he creates for his own satisfaction. Given free reign to depict himself and insert himself into his story however he likes, Caliborn opts to turn away from the full thrust of hypermasculinity, and he makes himself beautiful and gorgeous.

And as soon as he does so, Caliborn’s repressed attraction to Calliope erupts again:

This isn’t just the matter of blackrom incest that the text superficially suggests; even on a purely textual level, due to the alien nature of their relationship, Caliborn only barely regards Calliope as a sister, and he certainly has no problem with objectifying and sexualizing all of the other women he hates.

No, Caliborn has to repress his attraction to Calliope because, given their shared form, his attraction to her as a woman necessarily constitutes an implicit recognition that he could be attractive as a woman, and his body could be attractive as a woman’s body.

Caliborn can never accept that, and he’ll never directly address it or engage with it. He’ll never think about what all of this means for him, or act on his idle fantasies. The time for turning back is well behind him.

He is, now and forever, exactly the kind of angry and disaffected chud who will never unplug from 4chan or stop masturbating to awful trap hentai. He has deliberately imprisoned himself within the teleology of his own self-confirming hegemonic masculinity, and he thinks it is glorious.

THE DEMON IS ALREADY HERE

To fully understand Caliborn, of course, we need to understand Lord English.

If Caliborn has imprisoned himself within his own assertions, then Lord English is the embodiment of those assertions, and Caliborn’s transformation into Lord English is his ultimate apotheosis: having murdered his shadow and excised her spirit from within himself, his transformation enables him to excise her from without. His ascension allows him not only to purge Calliope’s visage from his body, closing off the possibilities once implied and allowed by his youthful and androgynous form, but also to recreate, reconfirm, and relive his victory over Calliope at every turn.

To understand what I mean by that, let’s look at the characters and components who go into Lord English, starting with Equius.

Equius, is, of course, a long-form joke character about the pathetic contradictions of hegemonic masculinity. In his pesterlogs, he opens every line with blatantly phallic imagery...

But when he actually tries to handle said phallus in real life, his titanic strength prevents him from doing anything but destroying it:

And the same goes for one of his horns, which he has apparently broken off. The autocastration symbolism is not subtle, and about the mildest thing we can conclude is that he’s a chronic, addicted masturbator who has compromised his own sexual performance.

He’s also textually obsessed with upholding the racial hegemony of the Alternian civilization...

...but his obsession with hierarchy and dominance quickly collapses into a thin pretext for his barely-suppressed desire to submit to those who are higher than him on the hemospectrum...

...and to those who are lower than him!

Equius is a character intrinsically lined to the collapse and self-destruction of masculinity and male sexuality, which is topical enough that we might end there. However -- and there’s no nice way for me to say this -- we also need to establish that Equius is a necrophile and a sexual predator, too.

@mmmmalo and others have written intriguingly and at length about reading “blue beauties” as a cipher for “sexualized corpses” in Homestuck, but for Equius, it’s about as textual as it gets. Equius is explicitly sexually and romantically interested in Aradia even after her death, and his necrophillic attraction is only reinforced by the symbolism: he constructs an unliving replacement body for her, which parses most obviously as a symbolic embalming and restoration of her corpse, and he treats it like a love doll even as it’s uninhabited and lifeless. He seeks to literally transform her body into a “blue beauty” by the transfusion of his own blood, which (given the color-coding of troll body fluids) parses as a clear insemination joke about his genetic material.

We might excuse his attraction for various fantastic mitigating factors -- Aradia is, after all, still ‘alive’ in a kind of undead state -- but Equius’ more general sexual predation cannot be so easily ignored. Aradia is chronically depressed and in absolute need of the service that Equius can provide, which he uses to take advantage of her and to compromise her bodily autonomy and judgement with the device he covertly implants inside of her.

Equius is undeniably a sexual predator who constructs women’s bodies in order to further his own domination, and his own motif of sexual self-destruction and inversion puts the final dark twist on his story. He is brutally dominated by Gamzee, suffocated to death until his corpse is blue in the face, and ultimately prototyped together with AR. He finds a unique fulfillment as he becomes the object of his own desire, when he is transformed into his own cybernetic “blue beauty”.

It’s not hard for me as a trans woman to see certain tropes at play, but for those of us who aren’t up to date on foundational transmisogynistic screeds...

Today the Frankenstein phenomenon is omnipresent not only in religious myth, but in its offspring, phallocratic technology. The insane desire for power, the madness of boundary violation, is the mark of necrophiliacs who sense the lack of soul/spirit/life-loving principle with themselves and therefore try to invade and kill off all spirit, substituting conglomerates of corpses. This necrophilic invasion/elimination takes a variety of forms. Transsexualism is an example of male surgical siring which invades the female world with substitutes... The projected manufacture by men of artificial wombs, of cyborgs which will be part flesh, part robot, of clones – all are manifestations of phallocratic boundary violation. So also the behaviorism of B.F. Skinner and “physical control of the mind” through the use of implanted electrodes by such scientists as Delgado, are variations of monstrous male “motherhood”.

-Gyn/Ecology

Blanchard believes that autogynephilia is best conceived as misdirected heterosexuality. These men are heterosexual, but due to an error in the development of normal heterosexual preference, the erotic target (a woman) gets located on the inside (the self) rather than the outside...

Autogynephiles are men who have created their image of attractive women in their own bodies, an image that coexists with their original, male selves. The female self is a man-made creation. They visit the female image when they want to have sex, and some became so attached to the female image that they want it to become their one, true self...

-The Man Who Would Be Queen

But hey, does anyone else remember that time when ARquius got upset and envious because he couldn’t lactate like a mother would?

EXTREMELY SUBTLE.

As for Equius’ fusion with the AR, or Auto-Responder, we come to Dirk Strider.

Dirk Strider is, if anything, the furthest thing imaginable from the autoerotic subject that Equius presents: he is not so much attracted to another self as he is utterly repulsed by himself in his own totality.

Dirk Strider is a self-loathing, self-destructive, self-mutilating gay man, caught in the grips of a kind of hateful narcissism. He is not overtly trans-coded, or related to the trans feminine, but his male homosexuality ties into another, subtler form of trans feminine horror, one which Jake suggests in aside:

Dirk Strider presents the horror of the destruction of the self and the destruction of manhood more generally, both in the service of the satisfaction of others and in the fulfillment of self-hatred. He creates and destroys himself with abandon. In Unite/Synchronize, it’s Dirk who willingly decapitates himself to cross the gulf of space and time between him and Jake, and he allows Dave to decapitate him and destroy his ‘unbreakable’ katana with Caledfwlch -- the uranian cue-ball sword that destroys masculinity -- in Collide.

And keep in mind that when Dirk decapitates himself, it’s Lil’ Hal who looks out from his severed head:

Holy castration symbolism, batman! Remember that Hal’s shades are a part of ARquius’ own phallic imagery:

Lil’ Hal is a phallic specter that terrorizes both Dirk and Jake on the individual level, as well as in their relationship with each other. He drives Dirk’s Brobot-self to greater aggression, he’s aggressive, condescending, and cruel with Jake in general, and he apparently manipulates events to force Jake to kiss Dirk’s severed head -- which, if we’re taking the castration metaphor seriously, basically means he forced Jake to give Dirk head. Classy.

Is it any wonder that Dirk is so compelled to lop Lil’ Hal off of himself and out of his life, no matter the ethics or implications for himself? Hal is the perfect storm and culmination of all of the worst things Dirk sees in himself, and the omniscient apotheosis of his own detatched, ultramasculine, hypercompetent, ironic persona -- all despite being treated as a 13-year-old by the text, an immature and incomplete version of Dirk.

Remind you of anyone else?

Dirk and Lil Hal are in this respect a brighter mirror of Calliope and Caliborn: they are a self divided for whom the better half has softly predominated.

Dirk probably hasn’t literally castrated himself to destroy his masculinity in the way that Caliborn has literally destroyed his own femininity; Dirk and Hal certainly aren’t so explicitly gendered or trans-coded as Calliope and Caliborn are, so it’s more difficult to read them and their relationship as trans-coded. (Unless you want to read Dirk and Hal that way, in which case, hell yeah, go forth and be valid, and link me your fanfiction, please.)

Nevertheless, Dirk’s symbolic castration and literal rejection of lil Hal represents, if nothing else, a rejection of and predomination over his most toxic aspect (and his most toxically masculine aspect), and the gruesome excision of such from his life.

But while Dirk has left his worst half behind, his worst half has gone on to supercede him: entering into union with Equius, and by extension, Caliborn.

And what of Gamzee, the most important character in the entire comic?

Well, Gamzee is, of course, another mirror to Calliope and Caliborn. Like Calliope and Caliborn -- our allegorical Calmasis -- Gamzee is caught in an erratic duality between two possibilties.

Just like our Calmasis, Gamzee vacillates almost all through life between two fundamentally different personas. At the time of his introduction, he was someone basically passive, agreeable, and kindly -- even lovable, to the point that he still has his fans and stans to this day.

Of course, as time went on, he became more and more aggressive. Even against the backdrop of his largely passive behavior, his increasing aggression culminated in his many infamously depraved and murderously violent outbursts: a transition not incidentally marked (among other things) by his rejection of the green (and Calliope-coded) sopor slime that once helped to pacify him, and his radicalization at the hands of his future self (in Lil’ Cal).

In his typing quirk, Gamzee likewise alternates between Calliope’s lowercase and Caliborn’s uppercase:

Definitely no themes of duality here, nope!

Most tellingly, even in his ascension to Lord English, Gamzee is also halved, just like Calliope & Caliborn: Gamzee is bisected such that only half of him enters Lil’ Cal, while half of him is left behind, utterly broken and irrelevant.

But if Gamzee is a reflection of Calliope and Caliborn, then what else does this piece of shit clown have to say about them?

Well, like Calliope, Gamzee is quite involved in his own constructed persona -- but unlike Calliope, he’s almost never regarded as anything but disgusting and pathetic.

No amount of face paint can cover the scars across his face, and instead of covering himself up, his costume only accentuates his own body, exposing himself in the most pornographically aggressive and perverse way possible.

Even in making himself into a clown he reaches towards something inherently absurd; something that has no existence in itself save for how comical and disgusting it is to others. His aspirations and imitations render him a walking joke and a figure of corrupt terror.

And most horribly and grotesquely, if Calliope and Caliborn are a trans allegory, and Gamzee is any kind of reflection of them, we know exactly what kind of warped and fictitious trans archetype Gamzee is:

Gamzee suggests himself as a serial killer, and he’s one who hordes corpses and steals trophies from his victims, at that.

But there’s one more person we need to look at in this gruesome sequence: Doc Scratch, another parallel to Calliope in this incestuous slurry of signifiers. In Doc Scratch, the man with the uranian cue-ball head, we see even Calliope’s most harmless, silly traits taken to their most nightmarish and oppressive conclusions.

It’s Doc Scratch who selectively warps troll culture in order to create the world and the culture that Calliope loved so, and who meddles in the alpha timeline as he so desires; it’s he who shows just how perverse and oppressive omniscience can be, transforming all her scrapbooks and her labors of love into his own exhaustive account of the cosmos, turning her love of her favorite characters into his own callous disregard for objects to be manipulated. When he uses her own thoughtful tone, it only telegraphs menace.

And, most darkly for our own analysis, Doc Scratch is a sexual predator and a pedophile.

Almost from the start, he’s undeniably sexualized as a threat in his conversations with Vriska:

Even his omniscience is sexualized by his own words, casting the light of his awareness as a phallic presence invading and penetrating the unknown:

Vriska is an unreliable narrator, of course, and we might not want to read too deeply into Doc Scratch’s words. Scratch is certainly quick to assure Rose that he’s not a predator in his conversations with her...

...but as always, the gulf between what Doc Scratch says and what he means is almost insurmountable. Doc Scratch tells Rose that he has no biological means of reproduction, but he is a conglomerate of and a vessel for multiple sexual beings, and even the castrated may experience sexual pleasure and pursue sexual ends.

Most tellingly, Doc Scratch only tells Rose that he isn’t attracted to her “in the way she means”. From an entity known for wordplay and lies of omission, this constitutes a tacit admission that he IS attracted to her in some way that she isn’t asking about.

Aradia explicitly characterizes his interference in her and Kanaya’s lives as ‘grooming’...

And he does much the same to Damara:

Doc Scratch is an undeniably sexual and sexualized threat.

We might ask how, exactly, he’s supposed to be attracted to Rose and the other young girls he victimizes -- and certainly I think he’s a sexual voyeur in the general case, but I think he’s also an even more abstract and pedophillic threat.

Doc Scratch is a copy of Lil’ Cal, given life and omniscience as a First Guardian; he is the child’s toy which was once fawned over by a puppet pornographer, and he is a child-sized man. He titles himself after the Scratch process which allows children the chance to grow up, but which also transforms adults into children; he presents the absolute perverse sentimentality of all adult transgressions into the realm of childish things.

This alludes to Caliborn, of course, as the boy who cannot escape his childhood, but it’s also sexologically linked to toxic trans feminine archetypes...

Blanchard (1991) started with the idea that some cases of male-to-female gender dysphoria and transsexualism are fundamentally motivated by an ETII, in which natal males who are otherwise sexually attracted to women eroticize the idea of being women to such an extent that they want to become a woman themselves. Freund and Blanchard (1993) later extended this idea to an analogous ETII that might motivate some pedophilic men to impersonate or fantasize about being children.

It is fitting that the most compelling finding of our study—that autopedophilic men sexually attracted to girls tend to find it sexually arousing to imagine themselves as a girl—reflects the likely confluence of the two ETIIs that had been proposed many years ago: one that involves locating an individual of a different gender within one’s own body, and the other that involves locating an individual of a different age within one’s own body.

...and it’s also a searing indictment of Calliope.

To cosmic entities such as her and Scratch, how can other people be anything but objects, tools, and characters to be abused? Before the power and knowledge they might come to command, how can other people be anything but insects?

To Scratch and Calliope, how can other people be anything but children?

Even as Calliope becomes a mere player within the story of paradox space,  Doc Scratch accuses her of a fundamental and unwholesome transgression. She lets go of the condescending oversight she used to hold over the alpha timeline, no matter how kindly and well-meaning she was, and she descends from the omniscient authority of her lonesome ivory tower, but Doc Scratch still names her as an offense to herself and to others. Her desire to be a person is cast as a perversion, a deviance, and a sickness.

SBURB is a game her kind was never meant to play, after all. It’s a coming-of-age narrative not meant for her.

Ultimately, Doc Scratch himself is a fundamental accusation against Calliope: he is a grail of the souls who signify some of the most horrible gendered narratives and trans feminine narratives we can imagine, animated in mockery of Calliope as if to say: “this is you”. Equius, an autoerotic, necrophillic predator, and Hal, an aggressive, intellectualist meddler; even Gamzee, who is both a murderous pervert and her own adoptive father, a normative role model who is anything but.

And when Caliborn rises to prominence and Lord English births himself from the corpse of Doc Scratch, it’s nothing less a recreation of the traditional predomination that Caliborn has denied himself. To Caliborn, Lord English is the sign of his own victory: he may see the souls within Lil’ Cal as like-minded role models to emulate and assimilate, or as hateful and loathesome symbols of Calliope to be crushed under his will, but his predomination allows him to take both options without interrogating himself, just as he’s gone without interrogating everything else he wants. 

And to Calliope, well, if Doc Scratch was an accusation against her, then what could be more horrible to her than Lord English? He has destroyed Doc Scratch and symbolically ended her own perversions, but only through the act of being born.

The only alternative to the horror of being Doc Scratch is the terror of being Lord English; the only alternative to the horror of being Calliope is the terror of being Caliborn.

ISOLATION

I could navel-gaze for hours about the potential symbolism of Lord English, but I think it’s time to return full circle to a somewhat more grounded look at Calliope.

If Calliope, Caliborn, and Lord English cast light upon each other, then what does alternate!Calliope have to say about them?

Having naturally predominated and standing as a singular figure in the furthest ring, Alt!Calliope serves to illuminate the alternatives to Caliborn’s false victory: in all the alternate possibilities illuminated by the dream bubbles, we see that Calliope can naturally predominate over Caliborn, but not vice versa.

Alternate!Calliope strongly suggests to us that Calliope is inherently stronger than Caliborn, and she tells us that Calliope and Caliborn share the same strength: she tells us yet again that Calliope and Caliborn are two sides of the same coin.

She suggests to us that, in a sense, Calliope and Caliborn are just Calliope -- that Calmasis, upon achieving integration, will simply view herself as Calliope, and Caliborn will lose because he was never the true self.

So why, then, does Caliborn win in the alpha timeline? Is it just an arbitrary time loop, a timeline plucked from the frothing sea of paradox space and arbitrarily validated by the happenstance of the immature Caliborn’s power over time?

No, I certainly don’t think so; I’d like to think that the principle of AURYN applies even here. Caliborn wins out over Calliope because they’re Doing As They Will -- because, even on the level of our trans allegory, they both have reason to want Caliborn’s victory. Even on the level of our trans allegory, Calmasis needs to be Caliborn.

Alternate!Calliope tells us that she had to become strong because she had no-one else to comfort her, and I think suggests two important points of interest:

Firstly, that alt!Calliope serves to reflect Calliope’s inner drama, just as Calliope serves to reflect Caliborn’s inner drama. Caliborn fears and loathes the possibility of being like Calliope, the sentimental degenerate and weakling that she is, and Calliope fears and dreads the possibility of becoming alt!Calliope. Calliope fears that even if she rejects the hateful accusations that are Doc Scratch, and rejects the teleological future of Lord English, her only alternative is to be like alt!Calliope: someone who has won, and who has become herself, but at the cost of isolation, distance, and loneliness, without humanity, connection, or kindness.

In other words, Calliope fears her victory would mean her little green skull is always going to be a miserable Federal Fucking Issue, for herself and for others.

Secondly, that Calliope’s relationships with humans are in some sense the vector by which Caliborn came to dominate. Alt!Calliope won because she had no-one to take comfort in, and thus she had to be strong on her own, but I think the flip side of that is that alt!Calliope was able to be strong, because she had no relationships that could weaken her -- she was more insulated from the toxic ideas of the cultures that came before her. No one could so much as accidentally insinuate to her that she wasn’t good enough or pretty enough as she was, save perhaps for Caliborn -- and certainly Caliborn would have been malevolent, but he would have had less in the way of the language and systematic ideas to be the hateful and cultivated misogynist that he became in the alpha timeline.

In other words, alt!Calliope doesn’t have any reason whatsoever to worry about her little green skull in the first place.

But there’s another much more straightforward reason why Caliborn had to win, too:

If we’re supposed to take Calliope and Calliborn as two facets of a whole more generally, let alone as a specific trans allegory, well... they may have been two personas, or even two people, but they are confined to an existence as a single player. The cherub session likely never could been anything but a single player session; the cherub session was always going to be a dead session.

And whether it’s a fundamental fact of SBURB or just an idea in Calliope’s head -- one of the ideas she’s likely constructed with the human cultural biases she’s obtained by osmosis -- Caliborn is someone who can win a dead session, and Calliope isn’t. How could a Space player, a patient creative, succeed in a test of frantic, timed destruction? How could a passive Muse succeed where even an active Lord would struggle -- how could a woman succeed where even a man would struggle?

Only someone like Caliborn could ever possibly win. Perhaps Calliope reflects Caliborn as the person he desperately wishes he wasn’t, and she is the shadow that lies outside of his hateful and constructed self, but as a precarious supergiant hangs overhead and the light of Skaia gutters out, Caliborn reflects Calliope as the person she desperately needs to be, and he is the self she has to construct for herself.

Caliborn kills Calliope’s dreamself not just because he desperately hates her, but also because she has to allow him to supercede her, and he is the kind of person she needs to be: because SBURB is unfair, Skaia is unfair, and he can escape the desolate waste of her life, while she cannot.

And so it happens that Calliope is exiled from the real and cast to the unreality of the dream bubbles, while Caliborn grows monstrously beyond himself, self-mutilated and cancerous.

People have commented on the obvious romantic symbolism at play in Calliope’s return to life in the real...

...but it’s not just the power of a love that saves Calliope. Love is powerful and transformative, but love alone isn’t magical. It isn’t even the power of a magical macguffin ring that saves Calliope, either, because a ring is never just a ring, even when it is magical.

What redeems the possibility of Calliope’s existence is recognition and freedom.

TL;DR: ‘Caliborn’ is Calliope’s deadname.

#homestuck #calliope #trans calliope #homestuck analysis #homestuck meta #effortpost #self-indulgent complete bullshit

[ask-kurt-wagnerandrpwithhim]

Since I realized most people probably haven't looked too far into Jotun and Asgardian aging patterns in any cannon unlike myself, allow me to make some things clear, whether this upseta people or not.

Lizzy is around Kurt's age, like 23 or 24 years old. Lizzy had the twins when she would have been 16 or 17. Yes, I do realize that's controversial, however I will explain why that is. Lizzy, being Half Cat - and I don't mean some kind of cat like alien either, her mother was a literal cat, I drew that inspiration from myths rather than comics - sexually matured faster than other Jotuns her age. However, other jotuns her age are still probably in daipers, which is where this gets more controversial. Her ex is clearly designed to be a nameless bad guy nobleman fire giant. Nobody is meant to like him in any regard. He is around Loki's age, over 1000 years old. I purposefully designed him to be hated and seen as pure evil so that a trial such as this, which is a common occurance in Lizzy's narative, will not be won by him in any regard, because for a while I was rping with someone who I absolutely despise now because of how controlling they were to the point I didn't even get to pick what characters I used, and that person had a tendancy to redeem villains who did not deserve redemption, evn going as far as to try and make HITLER a good guy in one rp before I exploded on them for it. To someone from Earth, Lizzy is an adult with the mind of an adult. To anybody from the other 8 realms who knows her age she is a child who is more mature than she should be. Those who have gotten to know her have given in a little bit and let her run her own life, such as Loki and Thor who would have both met her and gotten to know her just after the twins were born. Of course, she would hide her origins from Thor, but when the temperature is bellow freezing it becomes kinda obvious she's part Jotun. Lizzy will not loose the trial, her ex will be locked away, if for no other reason than the entire jury seeing her as a child. Now, depending on how the trial may yet go, she may have to sign legal custody over to Johnny or someone else she trusts since, again, most of the 8 other realms are going to see her as a child unless they take the time to realize she takes after her cat mother a bit more than her jotun father. That being said, I doubt anybody would actually step in and physically take the kids away from her so long as she didn't fight against signing custody over. It would just be a formal thing basically saying "I acknowledge that by the law of 8 of the 9 realms I am too young to be raising children" like many places do with teen moms here in the USA.

Tl;dr: Lizzy is not going to loose the case by any means, her Ex would likely be seen as a huge pervert by the jury and not allowed anywhere near a school, and at worst she'd have to sign legal custody over to Johnny or Loki as her closest relatives like teenage moms often have to do in America but she wouldn't be stopped from raising them. No matter what Kurt or Johnny do, Lizzy will not loose the case because of how aging works in most of the 9 realms and thus how the laws for the realms would have been written.

Keep in mind that we here on earth have based the age of adulthood on many things throughout history and would usually near unanimously agree on the same age even if 2 groups of people have never interacted before. Presumably, other alien races would do the same. Asgardians are stated in the comics to be immortal and in the movies to live about 5000 years, and in both they usually lined up the other races of the 8 "immortal" realms to be the same, so Elves and Dwarvs and Giants would live about the same span as an Asgardian. Most people from these races do not typically have offspring with something that has a shorter life span, so the general consensus on when children become adults would be about the same. In my cannon, these rases are not immortal but will live longer than mcu Asgardians. Loki is roughly 2000 years old, give or take, and is considered to be an adult, so lets say that roughly 1700 years is when they're adults. It would give leeway to Loki not being beheaded every time he does something evil because of an emotional imbalance within him, but still be locked in prison for such acts. Now, since we have an arbitrary age of adulthood to work with and Lizzy is most certainly not old enough to be granted the same rights as an adult Jotun, that would mean that even if everybody in the 9 realms recognuzed she was mentally and physically an adult, she is still not legally an adult in 8 of 9 realms. She's still too young legally for any non human to allow her to be coordinated as queen, to be present during important meetings between leaders of the 9 realms, or really anything she would have to do as a legal adult royal. Even if they recognized her as an adult and treated her as such, she would not be allowed, unless that changed the laws, to do anything an adult royal must do on a daily basis. Loki would have to take her place or they would have to find some other Jotun until she was old enough. And because she's not legally an adult in 8 of the 9 realms she would also have to deal with the issue of her sex life being brought up in court if the issue of her being old enough to raise her own kids does end up being brought up. Because she's only an adult legally on Earth would she even be able to consent anywhere else in the realms and should she be allowed to make such decisions for herself on earth? She's very clearly mature and capable, but so are many young women by the age of 14 due to trauma and abuse, that doesn't mean they're old enough to consent. And if she isn't old enough to consent that means anybody she's ever been in a relationship with could end up in big trouble. Because humans don't age like the other 8 realms it could also bring into questiom whether or not someone could use the argument of "well, on midgard 18 is an adult so it legally wasn't wrong" if someone really wanted to.

What I'm trying to say is that Lizzy's trial may or may not have a wider effect on the cannon of Kurt's world depending on what schengens he gets up to, but she most certainly will not loose the case, especially if when we do the Trial whoever ends up doing She Hulk brings up that she is around Kurt's age and her ex is breaking big laws in 8 of the 9 realms and Lizzy isn't legally old enough to be held accountable for anythings Johnny does to him.

Sorry this is so long, but it's one ofthose stream of consciousness posts before I go anywhere else. The biggest thing is that Lizzy won't loose the case and her ex cannot be seen as anything but a nameless villain

[kitchsykitchenwitch]

TW: Religion. My personal experiences with mental health, psychiatric hospitalization, and suicidal ideation/attempts. Some mild discussion of the current political climate.

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So, this is a half-cooked essay I’ve had rattling around my head for a couple of years now, but hadn’t really found a good time to write it all out. After watching the Jesus Christ Superstar Live special today, I think now is as good a time as any to put this out in the world. Please not the aforementioned trigger warnings, and also be advised that this is probably gonna be a bit ramble-y and not the best written piece on the interwebs.

***PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A REVIEW OF THE JCS LIVE SPECIAL!***

Some background on me. I am an atheist who grew up in a Catholic family, and I struggle with C-PTSD and bipolar II disorder (which weren’t properly diagnosed until about four and two years ago, respectively), as well as chronic autoimmune and pain conditions. When I was a kid, every year during Lent, my mother (a theater junkie) would play both the soundtrack and 1973 movie of Jesus Christ Superstar. The original soundtrack has always had some sentimental value to be because of this.

A quick aside on my faith, or lack thereof. I never considered myself a very strong Catholic. Fortunately, I grew up in one the lucky few liberal Catholic families, and was always taught to think for myself and question everything. My questioning of religion first started when I was in fifth grade, and became very interested in Greek mythology, which soon expanded to Norse and Celtic myths as well. I loved the stories and fables, and it didn’t take me long to draw the parallels to Christianity and Catholicism. I began to think to myself, if these stories aren’t true, then why is Catholicism the one true way? I also struggled with prayer and forming that “personal connection to God” that my youth leaders insisted I must develop. I grew up in a turbulent, and at times, abusive home, and my pleas to find some peace were, of course, left unanswered. I struggled for years thinking that there must be something I was doing wrong, or something inherently wrong and broken about me as a human being. This added to the depression that I struggled with as an adolescent, but I kept my reservations to myself out of fear of alienating my family and friends in the Church. Eventually, I found myself sitting on the agnosticism fence, finally making the jump over to atheism about a year and a half after I graduated college. I discovered that I found more sense of worth and fulfillment in taking responsibility for my own actions and accomplishments, more agency and knowledge in the presence of evidence and facts, and far more comfort in the love of those here with me in the physical realm. For a long time, Jesus Christ Superstar and any other remnants of religious music fell off of my playlists for many years as I came to terms with my beliefs.

A couple of years ago, as I was building a Broadway playlist on Spotify, I decided to put the original soundtrack on and see how it played to me as both an adult and a critically thinking atheist.  I was expecting to experience that nostalgia that I spoke of earlier, but I was not prepared to be emotionally bowled over at the realization that this is a story of not only faith, but of struggle with mental illness. I mentioned this to my mother after my revelation, and she told me that she wasn’t surprised. I didn’t know this, and some of you may not either, but she told me that when the show first premiered, there was a lot of push-back and anger because people didn’t approve of such a raw, radical and purely human portrayal of their Messiah, preferring the calm beatific and self sacrificing demigod of their scriptures. Listening to it now after being on both the loved one of someone who is mentally ill, and being a mentally ill person myself, I found myself relating to the characters in whole new ways that felt absent before, and it completely flipped the traditional Passion story on its head for me.

I’m going to take the soundtrack (nearly) song by song and give my thoughts. The ones that are irrelevant to the overarching themes I mentioned, I will skip over. I’ll also provide YouTube links to the ones I do delve into.

Heaven on their Minds

Even though I’m an atheist, and one would think I’d relate to him more because of this, this is the only song in the show where I truly sympathize with Judas. I look at this song through the lens of watching an older family member struggle heavily with bipolar I disorder, which was left untreated for many many years. This came into stark focus for me when I reached adulthood and the two of us became much closer. He is hands down the most intelligent and one of the most empathetic people I have ever met in my life, but the flights of mania, ego and rage and the crushing depression he experiences has a major impact on everyone who loves him. I struggle with this as well to a lesser degree, and being on both sides of this coin, I really do sympathize with those who love someone with this disorder. The struggles we go through can leave us hyperfocused on ourselves, forgetting that the people who care about us are also deeply hurt and concerned for our safety and well being. Judas is begging for Jesus to take a step back and look rationally at how his (in Judas’ perception) egotistical and selfish actions are harming himself and those around him, imploring that he still admires him and cares for him as a person, but eventually ends the song in frustration as he realizes that his friend will not listen to him.

What’s The Buzz/Strange Thing Mystifying

I had two major thoughts on this song, and I’ll go through them separately.

This song is where my sympathy for Jesus begins and for Judas comes to a screeching halt. Judas proves himself to be a misogynistic prick as Mary Magdalene attempts to provide some small comfort to Jesus as he is growing more and more frustrated with his disciples. The slut shaming rubs me absolutely raw, and if I had been in that situation, I would have jumped down his throat just as Jesus did.

The second takeaway from this is that this is where I see parallels to mental illness start to take root in the show. Depression lies. Depression will tell you that nobody in your life truly cares about you, and that they will all leave you alone in the end.

“I'm amazed that men like you Can be so shallow, thick and slow There is not a man among you Who knows or cares if I come or go!”

This, obviously, leaves his friends reeling, and they beg of him, how can he possibly say that about them? He doubles down with the final lash out of “Not one, not ONE of you!” I have similarly lashed out at those who mean the most to me when in the depths of a depressive low. Thankfully, my circle understands that when I say things like that, it’s not truly me, but the monster that lurks within me that I usually keep quiet and calm in the back of my mind.

Everything’s Alright

Judas, buddy, you really lose me here. He turns from slut shaming and goes into full on neurotypically ableist fuckery. The is implication that his friend doesn’t deserve a few small comforts because there is some greater cause that must be served, and that he should suck it up because there are people who have it worse.

Jesus, in response, reminds him that there will always be people in the world who have it worse and who are suffering. This is a concept I struggled with for years. I would always minimize my pain by saying “Well, it could always be worse.” This kind of thinking just led to more self-berating, beating myself up when I couldn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps and force happiness into my chemically-misfiring brain. And here he takes another emotional dig, saying that Judas better shape the fuck up, and leaves the vague threat of suicide hanging over his head as another lashing out, which I have also done in my worst moments of pain and despair.

Mary, bless her, proves herself to be the true caring partner as she swoops back in to attempt to soothe him to sleep, wanting to provide some form of comfort to the man she loves.

This Jesus Must Die

When this essay first started taking shape in my head a couple of years ago, I wasn’t planning on including this song.

Then the election of 2016 happened.

I won’t ramble on too much on this one since it doesn’t directly tie in to the overall themes I outlined earlier, but I’d feel remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the indirect connections.

The disturbing trend of othering, tribalism, and white supremacy that has taken hold in the US can be seen in the lyrics of this song. The willingness to outright harm and even murder those who are different because of ignorant fears of having their way of life destroyed is as much a problem today as it was then. This affects all who don’t fit this mold: POC, non-Christians, women, LGBTQ+ folks, the disabled, and, you guessed it, the mentally ill. It’s chilling to see these attitudes, which these types of Christians claim to revile when speaking of the priests and pharisees in the Passion story, so thoroughly inform their worldview and morals. It makes me feel physically ill to see this happening.

Simon Zelaotes/Poor Jerusalem

Oh Simon. You are that one “friend” or family member that every mentally ill person has. The one who thinks they have all the answers. The one who gives you all kinds of unsolicited “advice” and tells you how you should think and act, because that’s how things are gonna get better for everyone else (oh and I guess you too). This isn’t one of my favorite songs, so I’m gonna end it here for this one.

The Temple

This is more regarding the second half of the song, when the lepers are demanding that Jesus heal them. This one resonated deeply with me. I am a very empathetic person, and I also have a very hard time saying no to people. I want to help as many of my friends as I can and make them happy. The problem is, I don’t always know how to turn that off, and I end up overextending myself with either physical demands or emotional labor. When Jesus cries “There’s too little of me,” I felt that on a very personal level, as I have said similar things when I take on too much. He finally breaks down and snaps, screaming at them to heal themselves. Again, I have expressed similar thoughts when I reach my limits and break.

Everything’s Alright Reprise 

I Don’t Know How to Love Him

The story now shifts the focus from the mentally ill individual to the partner/spouse/caregiver of the one who is ill. This is SO important. It’s very easy for our caregivers to stay silent and power through for our sake, while they slowly burn out trying to help us and to continue to live their lives. They tend to stay in the background, shouldering enormous tasks, and very rarely do they receive help that they badly need.

Mary does her best to calm Jesus, keeping on her smile until he falls asleep. Once her job is complete for the evening, she goes off by herself to vent her fears and frustration into the ether. She loves him, but at the same time, he deeply frightens her. That monster that lurks in us is scary, and not just for the person who is ill. It reaches out and threatens everyone that the person loves, and for those who don’t know what it’s like to have that in your head 24/7, it’s terrifying. But who does she tell? Who else could possibly understand? So she just lets her fears out to no one but herself, and at the end, collects herself and goes back to work.

Damned For All Time / Blood Money

Some of my sympathy for Judas comes back in this one, but only but so far. Being the friend who realizes that someone they care about may truly be out of control and a danger is a terrible position to be in. Do you call the police and have them involuntarily committed? Or do you keep trying to fix things yourself? It is never an easy call to make. He handled it EXTREMELY poorly though.

The Last Supper

This is where everything goes to hell and falls apart. Jesus and his friends gather together for one final meal, but his mind is already far afield with self destruction and suicidal ideation. Right off the bat, he makes throwaway comments about his friends’ apathy.

“For all you care, this wine could be my blood. For all you care, this bread could be my body.”

His own apathy launches back into anger as he spits:

“I must be mad thinking I'll be remembered - yes I must be out of my head! Look at your blank faces!

My name will mean nothing Ten minutes after I'm dead!”

The group immediately launches into rebuttals and reassurances. Judas is finally fed up with his friend taking his anger out on everyone and speaks up, telling him that he has alerted the authorities. Jesus doesn’t care and goads Judas into blowing up at him and basically telling him to stop being a dramatic asshole. This is behavior I have both witnessed in others and done myself in my angry/manic swings. You think so little of yourself that you think you have deluded your friends into thinking you are a good person, so the addled logical next step is to make them understand just how bad of a person you truly are and shove them away, violently if necessary. Judas takes the bait and flees, while the rest of the group tries to placate their friend with, what we would perceive as empty, platitudes and optimism.

Gethsemane

The similarities to this song and my own inner dialogue when I struggle with suicidal ideation are staggering to me. The exhaustion, the “Am I really this worthless?” and “Maybe the world would be better off without me” statements, looking to lay the blame on someone else, wanting someone else to do the deed for you because you don’t have the guts to do it yourself, rage at a spiritual figure that you feel either doesn’t exist or doesn’t care. That was like a swift punch to the gut. I never thought that as an atheist, I would relate so heavily to the character of Jesus, but this song drove it home for me that I really do, and that it’s not a bad thing, and that I can relate to him as a person without it having to be a religious experience.

Pilate and Christ

Short blurb for a short song. I view Pilate as the role of the medical professional who is dealing with a particularly difficult case. In this first appearance, he takes on the role of the apathetic doctor that all of us neurodivergent individuals fear we will get, someone who really takes no interest in your problems and instead kicks you to the mercy of another office or the insurance company.

Could We Start Again Please

This is another one that speaks to me on a deep, personal level.

“I've been living to see you Dying to see you but it shouldn't be like this This was unexpected, what do I do now? Could we start again please? Could we start again please? I've been hopeful so far Now for the first time I think we're going wrong Hurry up and tell me, this is all a dream Or could we start again please? Could we start again please? I think you've made your point now You've even gone a bit too far to get your message home Before it gets too frightening, we ought to call a halt So could we start again please?”

These are very similar to what my husband said after my suicide attempt. He told me that he felt like the whole thing was a nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from. He told me that he was terrified, and that he wished there was a way to do a hard reset on everything. He told me that he wanted to help me, but that he didn’t know how to even begin to do that. Fortunately, with lots of therapy, we have been making it work, but that was his first experience with serious mental illness. When I was in psychiatric hospitalization, these points came up yet again, as he had never experienced this and didn’t know how to handle someone he cares so deeply about be committed and see the bad and good that goes with it. It’s all scary as fuck, and this is why our caregivers need support and love and someone to talk to as well.

Judas’ Death

Again, keeping this one short. The regret train rolls into the station as Judas realizes that maybe he made a mistake. I’ve heard fellow patients in hospitalization say this about loved ones who had them involuntarily committed. When they make the call, they think it will be a few days in the hospital and bam! You’re cured! They end up coming to the horrible realization that psychiatric hospitalization is difficult, scary, and at times, dangerous. Some people step up to the plate and help their loved ones through it, while others balk at what they’ve done and bail completely.

Trial Before Pilate

We come back to the doctor/patient metaphor with this song, this time with Pilate taking the role of the  doctor who genuinely wants to help a patient, but the combination of the patient’s complete apathy/desire for self destruction and pressures put on by outside forces (like overwork, various bureaucracies, and bullshit from insurance companies) force their hand into making the harsh call of commitment. Pilate realizes that since Jesus refuses his help and also refuses to help himself, he has to make the hard call. I have been in the position of having a doctor ask me questions to help, and I basically told them to fuck off. Doing so forced the issue of hospitalization (which, by the way, I’m not directly comparing to a death sentence, just pointing out connections that I see).

This is an inelegant collection of the thoughts and emotions that this show creates within me. I’m not really sure how to close this out, now that I’ve finally written down the comparisons and analysis that has been in my head every time I’ve listened for the last couple of years. It feels good to get it out, even if the writing doesn’t flow very well. So there you have it. How a mentally ill atheist can still find meaning and their own story in a work of entertainment based on religion.

#jesus christ superstar #broadway geek #mental health #mentally ill

[notdeadjack]

annual freaking rec list: 2016 edition

(aka the rise of voltron)

Fandoms represented in this list:

Naruto - 25 fics Haikyuu!! - 33 fics  Borderlands - 1 fic   Yuri!!! on Ice - 6 fics   Zootopia - 2 fics   Marvel - 8 fics   Star Trek - 2 fics   The Hobbit - 5 fics   Teen Wolf - 4 fics   Harry Potter - 6 fics   Fantastic Beasts - 4 fics   Game of Thrones - 2 fics   Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - 1 fic    Free!! - 1 fic      Boku no Hero Academia - 21 fics    Voltron - 133 fics    One Punch Man - 11 fics   

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265 fics under the cut!

To quickly get to the fandom you’re interested in: Hit [Ctrl + F] or [cmd + F] and type in the fandom name in the little box that appears in one of the corners, and it’ll jump you to the right place. Or you might have to click the down arrow in the box a couple of time. Either way, it’ll get you were you want to go eventually. Faster and more accurate than scrolling anyway.

(This also works on the mobile version of Chrome: Open the drop down menu, click “Find in page” and type in the desired word. There should be a bar with yellow marks appearing on the side that you can tap for instant relocation.)

There will be stories that deal with mentions of suicide, self-harm, incest, dub-con, non-con, drug use, abuse and such. I’ve done my best to add proper warnings but please make sure to read the authors tags first! I’m also willing to trigger check a fic for you if the warnings are fuzzy. Just message me which fic and what to look out for and I’ll get back to you asap.

Oh, and pay no heed to whomever is put before the “/” or behind it, as it doesn’t necessarily denote which one tops.

If you find any dead links, incorrect/missing information or if you’re the author of a fic and want me to remove the link from this list, please contact me and I’ll take care of it :D

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Naruto

yep. still naruto trash apparently

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https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7569102    It Started Over Coffee by Rasengan22    89k, AU, Naruto/Sasuke, romance, fluff, 

Naruto's polite gesture wins him a new friend. A very witty, charming one at that. 

this is just a pleasant read and honestly you can read it without any prior knowledge of the fandom and not miss anything.

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http://cywscross.tumblr.com/post/137996998075/shikanaru-if-it-catches-your-muse-or-uraichi   by cywscross   1k, Shikamaru/Naruto, drabbles,  

onesingledreamer asked: ShikaNaru, if it catches your muse, or UraIchi ;) I have a weakness for rare pairs and your characterizations are always badass yet on point. :))

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/62512    Stepping Stones by tuesday   10k, Lee/Gaara, Various, 

A generation stumbles to adulthood; a tentative truce turns into a lasting friendship; a war passes; and through it all, people try to find their way together, and Lee tries to figure out his relationship with Gaara.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/3380381    Through The Spines Unfurling (Five Things You Should Know About Cacti) by mstigergun    12k, Lee/Gaara, kid fic, 

Lee accompanies a trade delegation to Suna for the change in scenery and to enrich his son's education. He learns a great deal about cacti.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/502185    Rose Tinted by PhePhePhe    3k, Kakashi/Sakura, injury,

"Stay," he half-groaned. Sakura paused, tempted. "You have no idea what you're saying." "I may be an old man, but I'm not senile yet."

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/502183    Placebo by PhePhePhe    2k, Kakashi/Sakura, pining, side SasuSaku,

Sometimes fantasy is enough. 

Written well pre-ending, but works very well with canon. Which means: Ouch.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/956948    Lens of Truth by kanames_harisen     25k, Kakashi/Sakura, injury, canon character death, minor gore, 

Her short nails, jagged from battle, dug painfully into her palms as her mind raced to catch a fleeting thought. There was something - something terribly important - that they were missing. Something obvious. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/724003    Red Rag Top by rabid_behemoth    2k, AU, Kakashi/Sakura, bittersweet, nostalgia, regret, 

He scanned the parking lot for the familiar red glint of his car, but his eyes were drawn to pink instead. Her short hair fluttered in the breeze, and maybe that was what attracted his attention. Or maybe it was the fact that she was scrawling 'WASH ME' in the dust on his back windshield.   

. http://archiveofourown.org/works/702846    Duet (Elegant Bindings) by kanames_harisen    5k, Kakashi/Sakura, voyeurism, angst, minor character death, protective stalking,  

And he prayed for someone to stop up that gaping hole and reapply the dye. Sakura was never meant to be monochrome.   

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/4849811    I Might Need You More Than I Think I Do by YamatoMyTomato (KinoKahn)    35k, Yamato/Kakashi, getting together, awkward sexual situations, 

A mission goes badly, and everything starts to fall apart (or maybe it's falling into place). Tenzou isn't sure where he stands anymore, but he is sure that Kakashi's skin is the warmest thing he's ever touched. 

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http://rilina-fic.livejournal.com/7702.html    Four Weeks of Rain by rilina    1k, gen, 

Rainy season comes to Konoha.  

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/4525815    An Invincible Summer by ShanaStoryteller     133k, canon-AU, gen, Naruto/Sasuke, genderfluid character, 

When Naruto is five, he's gutted by a drunken civilian and presumed dead.

Six months later a girl with ash pale hair and dark blue eyes enters the Academy.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/5256338     As Is the Sea Marvelous by blackkat    58k, Tobirama/Madara, fix-it, 

Tobirama is willing to give absolutely anything for Hashirama and his dream.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6840838    Dreamcatcher by Airyo     71k, canon-AU, Itachi/Hinata, non-massacre, branch Hinata, 

Nothing about Itachi, she realized uncomfortably, was ever by accident... Nothing about Hinata, he realized with exasperation, could ever be considered normal. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6798397     open season by sazzafraz    7k, Naruto/Sasuke/Sakura, 

The way Sasuke comes home is less myth and more devastatingly embarrassing happenstance.   

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6437860    Castling by svana_vrika    19k, Shikaku/Asuma, power dynamics, shadow bondage, rough sex, 

To protect the king, you need to develop the rook  

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6064288    Unto The Breach by LasySwitch    1k, Naruto/Various, time loop, angst, character death, 

The first time he saw the world rolled out in plains of red and grey he was not so suddenly surprised. When he opened his eyes to a white ceiling and lumpy mattress, lungs clear of blood, eyes clear of ash; he was. The seventh time, he was not.  

love this. a more “realistic” take on the time loop trope.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/5944584    For Warmth by aintitnifty    3k, Team 7, h/c, waff, 

“Don’t panic, Naruto tells himself. It’s the first thing that pops into his mind, and the voice in his head sounds suspiciously like Kakashi: Just don’t panic.”

Kakashi is down for the count, and it's up to the kids to save the day.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6452965    A Consequence of Loyalty by leathansparrow    52k, canon-AU, Itachi/Shisui/Kisame, non-massacre, 

On a mission into Rain country, Itachi encounters a very large man in a red and black cloak who tells him: “I’ve only ever seen one person use crows as you do.”

He cannot take the man’s further advice: “turn back now, if you value your life.”

Everything changes. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/625517   An Unexpected Homecoming by Chrononautical    130k, canon-AU, Minato/Kakashi, 

The Reaper dies and those who were sealed alive are released. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/series/308052    Brilliant, Nervous Glory ‘verse by Chancy_Lurking     36k, Shino/Kiba/Hinata, side Neji/Tenten,   

The war is over, the truth is out, and Team 8 is doing the best they can to adjust.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3746824     Documenting Acceptable Levels of Insanity for the Shinobi Lifestyle by Aishuu   11k, Naruto/Sasuke, outsider pov, psychiatry, Saki-verse,    

When rumors of Sasuke dressing in drag reach Konoha's higher-ups, Team Seven is required to report to the village's "shinobi evaluator" to determine if Sasuke is too crazy to remain in service. Pity the evaluator.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4017499      Complications by thefairyprincev (QueenOfThePolarBears)     52k, canon-AU, Hashirama/Madara, gender changes, trans character, misogyny, misgendering, accidental pregnancy, 

In which Madara is a girl. And so is Hashirama. "But... Hashirama is a boy's name..." "It- It's complicated." And it is, it really is. And then it just gets worse.

A story about the lives of female Madara and transgirl Hashirama told in six parts.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1540754      The Second by Makkoska     10k, Tobirama/Hashirama, Hashirama/Madara, incest, angst, unrequited love, canon character death, 

There are certain things given, like his love for Hashirama or his brother’s love for Madara, and as hard as he tries, Tobirama is never able to change them.   

.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11458228    Better Man by Kakashisgf    179k, Kakashi/Sakura, post-canon, infidelity, 

Sakura and Sasuke have been married for over a decade, but things are far from perfect, and Sakura's beginning to realize that maybe she deserves better.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8187845     Muddy Water by DimiGex     13k, Genma/Sakura,   

Sakura has spent her whole life trying to measure up and when a difficult mission comes up, she leaps at the chance to prove herself. Disobeying orders might get her killed, or it might lead her to realize she doesn't need anyone else's approval but her own.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6161044     Soulmates by moor    49k, canon-AU, Kakashi/Sakura, minor Itachi/Sakura, age-swap, mentioned rape, violence, 

Age-swap AU. A series of interconnected one-shots.

.

.

Haikyuu!!

since this is the gay volleyball anime, the majority of the fics have implied or featured side ships and i can't be bothered to tag them cause y'all already know which ones it is.

 .

Everything and anything written by buu http://archiveofourown.org/users/buu/pseuds/buu   

i pretty much spent a couple of days reading through the majority of their archive and it's all golden (not to mention the delightfully varied collection of kink fics). some favourites includes: confession http://archiveofourown.org/works/2620328 (confession) untitled http://archiveofourown.org/works/3288854 (casual touches + ) hands v2 http://archiveofourown.org/works/2559677 (hand kink) praise http://archiveofourown.org/works/2525891 (praise kink) am i gay? please help http://archiveofourown.org/works/2546768 (37k, firsts)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/5103569   More by someonestolemyshoes   3k, Kageyama/Hinata, kissing, frottage,

Hinata isn’t sure when friendship with Kageyama escalated quite this far, but he doesn’t really mind it. In fact, he’d maybe go so far as to say he enjoys it; he likes holding hands on the walk home, and he likes that Kageyama buys him meat buns after practice and he likes that they get to sit just a little closer together when they’re watching movies or playing video games or even just doing homework.

He likes a lot of things, but his most favorite part is the kissing.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5028493     operation: find out if hinata has a hot bod by day   1k, gen, humour,

Kiyoko compliments Hinata's body. It turns into a chaotic mess where the team (aka Tanaka and Nishinoya) tries everything in their power to get a glimpse of Hinata shirtless.

Hinata is oblivious and Kageyama is stressed out.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2007114     If They'd Stop Dancing Around Their Fucking Feelings... by PrussianBluu     5k, Kageyama/Hinata, minor sexual harassment,   

Kageyama is emotionally incompetent. Or just really stupid. Or maybe a bit of both. Nonetheless, he doesn't know what the hell his feelings toward Hinata are doing anymore. He pisses him off, yeah, but why?

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4591029    Shoreline by Latios     53k, AU, Kageyama/Hinata, mermaids,    

Hinata Shouyou and his sister are sent to their grandfather's for the summer, and he's absolutely sure he's going to be bored for a majority of it, Alone with only a beach to keep him company.

He's terribly mistaken.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1656539     SLAMMING the setter lmao sports by swiftonthedownside     10k, Kageyama/Hinata, 

*beatboxing* chapter fic

they're going somewhere to do some kind of practice match who cares

freaking love this. 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2378366     Skinemax by animehead     1k, Kageyama/Hinata, pwp,  

With what they’re watching, it was bound to happen. 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3683922     Crowchildren by crypsis     58k, AU, Kageyama/Hinata, various, death, character death, bittersweet,  

Kageyama is a crowchild, tasked with carrying the souls of the dead to their final resting place. The first time he meets Hinata is when the boy is on his deathbed. It seems like an ordinary encounter, though Hinata proves that he is anything but, sending them both on a journey of life, death, friendship, and love.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3811387      silver lining climbing on my desire by drunkonwriting     5k, Kageyama/Hinata, crossdressing, smut,  

“There's a girl sitting at Hinata's desk, for some reason. He marches up, intent on demanding what she's doing there and what happened to Hinata when she looks up at him with wide eyes and a red face and—

Holy shit, she’s Hinata.

Hinata with carefully styled hair that looks softer and wilder than his usual raggedy mop, Hinata with glossed lips and eyeliner, Hinata in the short skirt and blazer of the girl’s uniform. He’s wearing—he’s wearing stockings.”

tsukishima dares hinata to go the entire day dressed as a girl. tobio has unexpected kinks.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2140482  Two suns in one sky by Triana   17k,gen, minor Kageyama/Hinata, Natsu & the Team, fluff, protectiveness, injury,  

Hinata has to bring Natsu to Karasuno Volleyball Club. The girl charms everyone and easily blends in, but Kageyama Tobio isn't that easy to give up. Although, due to some unforeseen events and an unlucky weather forecast, he might want to change his mind in order to prevent something truly horrible from happening...

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2816054   something old and something new by kittebasu   17k, Kageyama/Hinata, bed sharing,  

And Kageyama could pretend like he didn’t care one way or the other all he wanted, Shouyou wasn’t going to let him pout his way through winter holidays with that grim-reaper look on his face.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6374221     Point of View by LoudLucy     1k, Ennoshita/Tanaka, pining,  

Chikara spends a lot of time looking at Tanaka.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/5794009   reading between the lines by murakamism   4k, Kageyama/Hinata, fluff, pining,  

Kageyama is selfish.

This is what he thinks when he lets Hinata sit so close to him that their sides press together. Hinata’s babbling, lunchbox empty on his lap. Kageyama chews carefully for once. He tries to concentrate on the food instead of the warmth at his side, practically cocooned into his ribcage.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6361276   Absolutely, Yes by garbagecannot   3k, Ennoshita/Tanaka,

Send help ASAP, because Tanaka Ryuunosuke has the biggest, stupidest crush and he just doesn't know what to do.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6378142   tobio by cornbreadkent   8k, Kageyama/Hinata,  

“Tobio doesn't suit you at all,” Hinata says, and Kageyama is caught off guard enough to forget his intentions for a moment. “You're too awkward and scary for such a cute name.”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6076395     Written in the Stars by nicolet   34k, Tsukishima/Yamaguchi, pining, misunderstandings, jfc just talk to each other,  

This is Kei's and Tadashi's journey together through the years, as they discover what it really means to fall in love with your best friend. 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3346724    In Transit by Mysecretfanmoments    4k, Kageyama/Hinata, physical proximity, 

Hinata finds that he likes standing close to Kageyama on buses and trains. It doesn't mean anything--probably. Maybe.  

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/4213860    wanna turn off all the lights by Authoress    3k, Hinata/Kageyama, masturbation, voyeurism, D/s undertones, 

The next whimper is louder, longer, and accompanied with a breathy gasp and the twitch of Kageyama’s sneakers on the tile floor. Realization hits Hinata like a freight train, and he whips back around the corner, leaning against the wall himself, covering his mouth with his hand, eyes wide. 

yesssssss  

. 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2507660    Up In My Head I'm Your Girlfriend by dirtbag     4k, Asahi/Nishinoya, rule 63, 

When you’re as scary-looking and emotionally fragile as Asahi, a crush can only end in heartbreak. Especially a crush on another girl, and especially a crush on Nishinoya. 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7304422     Pink Polka Dots by Esselle    10k, Kageyama/Hinata, clothing kink, frottage,  

‘They have made it through less than one week of living together and here's Tobio, standing in the doorway of their cramped bedroom, the question on his lips about going out to grab dinner dying a violent death as he catches sight of Hinata standing in the middle of the room and twisting his lower half in place to survey how he looks in a skirt.

A skirt. Hinata is wearing a skirt.'

--

Whatever Tobio thought he was signing himself up for, when he agreed to room with Hinata in college, it wasn't this.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6103802    Twitch by CheekyBrunette     72k, Kageyama/Hinata, bullying, panic attacks, tourette’s, 

"He was aware of the itch he’d feel before he shook his head or scrunched his nose. He recognized the impulse to move, but he didn’t realize how compulsive the behaviors had become. He had to shake his head. He had to scrunch his nose. He had to shrug his shoulders over, and over, and over.

It wasn’t until he was nine-years-old that Shouyou realized he couldn’t control his movements like other kids could."

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7457695    Pretty by someonestolemyshoes    3k, Kageyama/Hinata, fluff,   

"Kageyama is pretty. It’s just a fact, something Hinata has grown accustomed, like how Tsukishima is tall and Suga is nice and Tanaka is loud; Kageyama is pretty. He’s never really questioned it, either, because lots of things are pretty - flowers, and sunsets, and his mum when she wears her hair all sleek and straight and lines her lips in red and the point is, pretty isn’t weird at all.

But what is weird, very weird and very not normal and probably very not okay, is the fact that Kageyama is really, really pretty and it makes Hinata want to do things."

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6640387     Surviving His Skin (Kageyama x Hinata) by ThatGinjahNinja     13k, Kageyama/Hinata, 

"Both looking up at the same time, Kageyama realized where he was and what he had just done and exactly who he had just done it with. It was irresistible, and his hands flew up to cradle Hinata’s flushed cheeks, as he pulled him in powerfully for their first kiss."

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6513565     Hold On To Me, Just For A Little While by petmunchkin     5k, canon-AU, Kageyama/Hinata, established relationship,character death, disability, bittersweet,  

A terrible accident robs Kageyama of his eyesight.

That same accident robs Hinata of his life.

It doesn’t mean they can’t still be together. For a little while, at least...

.

http://archiveofourown.org/series/460189    Speed Demons series by Esselle    22k, AU, Kageyama/Hinata, street racing, car sex,   

' “Starting tonight. You—” Daichi says, pointing at Kageyama, “—will be giving him—” he points at Hinata, “—racing lessons.”

Kageyama looks like he has swallowed ten lemons. Hinata, on the other hand, is just baffled.

“Wait a minute,” he asks. “Why is he giving me racing lessons?”

“Because I am absolutely, without a doubt, a hundred percent, better at racing than you are,” the mechanic replies bluntly. “And even if you race every day for the next decade, and I go blind, you still wouldn’t be a better driver than me.” '

--

All Hinata has wanted his entire life is a racetrack under the wheels of his car and a crew at his back. When he's offered a spot with the crew of Karasuno Auto Shop, he could have it all. There's only one thing blocking his path to the starting line: an absolute(ly smoking hot) asshole of an auto mechanic by the name of Kageyama Tobio.

(i’ve clearly spent to much time in the weird parts of the internet because i felt the urge to clarify that with the “car sex” tag, i meant that they have sex inside of a car, not with a car)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6400633     Learning Us by Tsucchi    42k, Ennoshita/Tanaka, slow burn, implied homophobia,  

Tanaka Ryuunosuke had a lot to learn - about himself, about Ennoshita Chikara, and that "happily ever after" is rarely a direct path. 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7955074     Dreamless by Esselle    15k, AU, Kageyama/Hinata, smut, incubi, 

'Kageyama is relatively sure that the creature in his bed isn't human, but he doesn't know what it is, either. But this is not why he suspects he's dreaming.

He thinks he must be dreaming because the thing, whatever it is, is impossibly, breathtakingly beautiful. The little arched eyebrows and upturned nose and small, pouty smile on its face have his breath coming short; and the way it'slooking at him, like it's thinking about devouring him whole, makes him want to run and hide, or drift closer and let it happen, he isn't sure which.

Even without any previous experience, Kageyama knows what it wants. But no one has ever, ever wanted that from him before.'

--

A boy and a demon may know very little about each other, upon first meeting. But what they can't say in words, they make up for with sound and light and touch; and maybe, they learn by taking each other apart, before they piece one another back together again.

  .

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5873884       Shut Up by surveycorpsjean      3k, Tsukishima/Yamaguchi, 

"I want one day for Yamaguchi to turn to Tsukki and say “shut up Tsukki” and watch as Tsukki’s world crumples around him." - stressedanime @ tumblr

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7228768       Lock and Key by surveycorpsjean     8k, Tanaka/Tsukishima, possesive behaviour,   

Together, they're two cogs that meld, the odds and ends meeting that never met before.

Despite what the world says, they were meant to be together.

Strings and all.

.

.

Borderlands

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5405723    Not Jack by vickjawn     297k, Timothy/Axton, h/c, alcohol abuse, mental health issues, torture, abuse, injury, off-screen non-con, violence, sex work, non-consensual body modification, mind control, suicidal thoughts, healing, happy ending,  

When Axton and Gaige bring a scarred, Eridium-addicted Timothy Lawrence back to Sanctuary, he agrees to tell his story, from the moment Athena left him in Jack's hands on Helios to the very last thing he remembered before waking up in the Crimson Raiders HQ. After that, it's a matter of healing and coming to terms with what happened to him at the hands of Hyperion, but that's a long, dangerous road to trek down, both mentally and physically. Friends new and old are there to help him, but they can't hold his hand forever. With the threat of a war looming on the horizon and Hyperion gaining wind of Timothy's location, it's only a matter of time before things take a turn for the worse.

legit one of the best fics i’ve ever had the pleasure of reading, i kid you not. it is long, plotty with beautiful characterisation and character growth. it deals with some seriously dark topics, but it focuses strongly on the healing aspect. also, one of the very few times flashbacks are handled so damn well you barely notice them.

.

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Yuri!!! on Ice

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8242556     Praise Please by surveycorpsjean      5k, Yuuri/Victor, praise kink   

Viktor is a good coach. Strict, talented.

But Viktor is kind. He gives praise like a waterfall, overflowing and loud and it makes Yuuri drown.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8579203     hair by buu     4k, Yuuri/Victor, hair kink, 

It's Victor, of course. He looks the same as always, but something about that long hair framing his face, strands dipping over one eye makes him look softer. Yuri feels a little dizzy watching, like he's stepped through some time portal, like he's small again and watching awestruck as Victor spins on TV. Except this time, Victor is looking back at him, tilting his head so the hair folds over his shoulder.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8643673    hungry, but i'll hunger on by incode    6k, Yuuri/Victor, praise kink, body worship, 

Yuuri has been learning to reach out for what he wants.

(Yuuri is not used to having power, being strong. He’s used to feeling weak. He is used to being told what to do and doing it, and Victor has unlocked something vital and feral inside him; he’s made Yuuri into something new, or maybe Yuuri has created it himself with his inspiration. In any case, he’s not interested in unraveling now into the sweet, pliant thing Victor is used to, the shy doll, whimpering and soft, from their previous times together. Suddenly, Yuuri doesn’t want to be coached, doesn’t want to be patronized. He lets his body make a decision, for perhaps the first time in his life.)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8640379    Celebration by MemeKonYOI (MemeKonYA)    2k, Yuuri/Victor, 

“You seduced everyone out on the rink today,” Victor whispers, lips still brushing against the back of his hand. “Everyone was enthralled. You were amazing. Stunning.”

“And you?” Yuuri asks, not because he holds any kind of doubts about how Victor felt about his short program —he can still feel the searing heat of Victor’s lips on his, like a brand, invisible on him, burning in the best ways, reminding him of how Victor will always meet him where he stands, even if he has to run for it, work for it, grow for it— but because he loves knowing Victor is amazed by his skating, by him, and he’s greedy about the feeling he gets from that knowledge.

(Or: Yuuri and Victor celebrate after the Cup of China.)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8644615    When He’s Not Even Trying by qwartooty    2k, Yuuri/Victor, 

“Do you have any kinks?”

Viktor looked down at Phichit, surprised. “Excuse me?”

“Fetishes. Turn-ons. Things that make you go, ‘Oooh! Wow! Yeah!’”

“I know what a kink is. Why are you asking me that kind of question?”

“Don’t look so scandalized. It’s for my psychology project. Which I just told you about, but you were too busy drooling over Yuuri to listen,” Phichit said.

(post episode 7 - In which Viktor is enlightened, Phichit is a little shit, and Yuuri frantically searches for ways to keep surprising Viktor)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8420320    Touch and Go by Ashida     3k, Yuuri/Victor, 

Victor couldn’t figure out whether Yuuri Katsuki was utterly dense, truly not interested, or if he was in fact the biggest tease to ever skate the ice.

.

.

Zootopia  

yeah

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6017023   Fear by Ragamuffins   2k, minor Judy/Nick,  

It was almost hilariously ironic, that this one, tiny bunny scared him more than anyone else within Zootopia.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6261835     the plunge by brodayhey     10k, Judy/Nick, pining,  

Judy's life is nothing like a romance novel.

.

.

Marvel  

(all the franchise)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/2578418   In Wade We Trust (We Are So Screwed) by dentalfloss   44k, Wade & Clint friendship, side Clint/Phil, minor torture, violence, humour,  

“Wade Wilson dropped by last night,” Clint explained, like it was any other Friday. “Brought pizza and beer.” There was a thoughtful silence through the phone and then: “You had a pizza party with Deadpool.” Phil said and Clint slid down the couch onto his back. Yeah, that pretty much summed up the situation.

Or: the one where Clint does something nice for Wade, and Wade decides to never let him go.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1373596   Wiping Off The Dust by dentalfloss   72k, gen, de.aging, implied child abuse, trust issues, violence, h/c,  

Teenaged Clint, it turns out, is a little shit.

Naturally this makes him Tony’s new favourite person.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/278395    Safeword by melannen    5k, Steve/Tony, JARVIS, BDSM, bad BDSM,  

Tony Stark doesn't need to be safe, sane, and consensual. He has JARVIS instead. (Then he gets Steve.) 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3889561    Clint Barton's Super Secret Snipers' Club by sara_holmes    67k, Clint/Bucky, PTSD, deaf!Clint, 

Clint Barton's Super Secret Snipers' Club. (Invitation and pending mental health evaluation required.)

"When Steve brings Bucky back to the tower for the first time, Clint’s first thought is that Tony Stark’s pride and joy is quickly becoming a less of a very tall and expensive ‘fuck you’ in the faces of investors who don’t believe in self-sustaining energy, and more of a superhero rehabilitation center."

Boyfriends, compromises and learning to like oneself.

. 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1581335    i was found and now i don't roam these streets by hipsterchrist    15k, Steve/Bucky, PTSD, hospitals, child sickness, healing, 

They’ve decided to start producing Bucky Bears again, now that he’s all shiny and redeemed and fighting for good on this big Avengers misfits team. "He has a little shiny gray arm," Bucky says, wiggling the stuffed arm in question, one of the tweaks made in the new model. It takes Steve a second to realize that Bucky’s got a small smile on his face, actually looks a little bit proud around the eyes.

Or, Bucky relearns himself and how to be on a team, the rest of the Avengers try to get answers, and everyone watches too much Criminal Minds.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/504186    baby, i’d victoria your secret anytime by ghostsoldier    4k, Wade/Peter, crossdressing, 

Peter’s known Wade for a while now, so he can maybe see how this makes sense -- like, maybe Wade has a thing about going commando and just happened to have an old girlfriend’s panties lying around, one thing led to another…but…

“And the bra?” Peter croaks.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/399351    And I'd Buy A Big House Where We Both Could Live by shinkonokokoro    59k, AU, Steve/Tony, amnesia, 

Missing: Tony Stark, billionaire businessman, heir to Stark Industries, reward: none

Only Steve didn't know that when he picked up the waterlogged unconscious man from the bank of a river.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3509063    the Steve Rogers problem by relenafanel   36k, AU, Steve/Bucky, fandom, 

Bucky doesn't consider his Steve Rogers problem as a problem so much as the solution he hadn't realized he was hoping for to help him through the transition from the Bucky Barnes he'd been before his accident to the new, shiny version of himself.

No, the problem isn't with Captain America and The Howling Commandos fandom.

The problem is the amount of porn Bucky managed to write and draw about Captain America before finding out that he's less than one degree of separation away from Steve Rogers. 'Less than' as in he's sitting across the table from him.

.

.

Star Trek

(TOS and AOS/XI)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/17969   Graduate Vulcan for Fun and Profit by lazulisong   15k, gen, Kirk.centric, secretly genius,  

It really does take a village to raise a Jim.

The members of the Kelvin's crew watch over Jim as much as he lets them.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/462930   We Two Alone by shoreleave   101k, gen, injury, drama, slavery, starvation, survival,  

Academy fic. Dr. Leonard McCoy thinks he has nothing in common with command-track cadet Jim Kirk, until a series of events forces them together. When a simple training mission is derailed into a seemingly hopeless situation, both have to learn to trust one another, and they’ll need all their wits and survival skills to stay alive.

.

.

The Hobbit

(aaand some lotr)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/786339     Princes under the Mountain by Carcy     10k, Fíli/Kíli, 5+1, 

Fili and Kili are heirs and Princes Under the Mountain. They like being princes - they like the respect and the fancy clothes and sense of being needed. Sometimes though, they forget that they're princes. They've always been taught how to act royal so they never embarrass Thorin too much or make it awkward for him politically... But they grew up as exiled princes, they grew up learning trades and working for money and rolling up their sleeves ect. Sometimes they forget that they're not in the little village they grew up in.

Some of the servants, who have always worked for royals, don't know what to make of the sweet and charming young princes who seem to earnestly want to help and don't see why they shouldn't.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/641409     those who wait by sospes      4k Fíli/Kíli, pining,   

Fili knows that his brother is the one he was meant to love. It takes Kili a little bit longer to work it out for himself.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/921402    Signs by orphan_account    59k, AU, Thorin/Bilbo, various, domestic, deaf!Kíli,  

Thorin was certain he had a problem. After all, the man looked like a bloody grocer- like some curly haired, bright eyed, bushy tailed cherub: totally vanilla and not sexy in any way at all. At least, that was what Thorin was trying to tell himself.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/690469      Parallel by dothraki_shieldmaiden     116k, canon-AU, Fili/Kili, incest, slow burn, dub/non-con, violence,   

When tragedy strikes the Line of Durin, Thorin decides to separate his infant nephews in order to keep them safe. Sixty-five years later Fili is the bored, dutiful heir in Ered Luin while elsewhere Kili is simply trying to stay alive between alleyway brawls.

Everything changes when they meet and a connection is formed which seems nigh unbreakable.

At least until the truth of the past and their heritage is revealed.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8420206     The Other Things We Never Knew About Frodo's Soulmate by Tozette  7k, Frodo/Sauron, soulmates, 

Primula was red-faced and exhausted by the end of the birth, and if she made a rude gesture at her husband and turned away sleepily, well, the midwife had seen worse.

So Drogo was left holding the baby in bemused confusion. As new parents are wont to do, he counted all the toes and fingers, marvelled at the child’s eyes, and then set out looking to see if there was yet a soul mark on his son’s skin.

There was.

The script was all long tails and swoops that ended in jagged flicks with characters that seemed more made of unpronounceable accents than actual letter, but the hand that wrote it was smooth and practised, almost mechanical in its precision.

"Curious," said Drogo, peering at the mark upon his thigh. "I've never seen anything like it."

The midwife seemed baffled by it, too, and when Primula woke he showed her and then they were three for three.

.

.

Teen Wolf 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1186243      Divided Loyalties by LennaNightrunner     154k, Stiles/Jackson, D/s,

Jackson returns home after a month spent in London trying (and failing) to start the next phase of his life there. Knowing now from experience that he’d be a fool to try to make it as a werewolf on his own, he asks Derek to take him in as a beta. Derek agrees on the condition that Jackson will do as he’s told. Jackson hopes that, despite the mess left in the wake of the Kanima, he might be able to repair his life in Beacon Hills. Of course, things haven’t really been going the way Jackson has hoped lately...

This is exactly the stackson fic i’ve always wanted to read. (you’ll def need knowledge of the happenings in s03a to follow the plot, since the author chose not to repeat the information)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8105281     I'll Dissolve When The Rain Pours In, When The Nightmares Take Me by clotpolesonly     38k, Stiles/Jackson, soulmates, dissociation, depersonalization, bed sharing, 

When Stiles finally managed to contort himself the right way without causing injury, he stared at the words on his inner thigh. And then he stared some more, long enough for the water to grow cold around him, wondering if this was part of the dream. Finally he decided that it had to be real only because his subconscious was not creative enough to come up with this.

There, in freckle-brown letters stark against pale skin, was the name Jackson Whittemore.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2311607     let me keep you safe (let me just keep you) by tryslora    30k, Stiles/Jackson, fake relationship, possessive behaviour, scent marking, 

When Stiles shows up unexpectedly on Jackson’s doorstep in London, Jackson has to protect him from his pack and blurts out the first thing he thinks of: that Stiles is his ex-boyfriend. When Stiles explains why he’s there, the two find themselves embroiled in a plot to save each other’s lives, and in the process of making it through alive, maybe they’ll find out they aren’t lying about how involved they actually are.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/series/290306      I Hope You Die (I Hope We Both Die) series by taylorpotato    5k, Stiles/Jackson, hate sex, alcohol, 

This is what regret looks like: fucking in a bathroom, with the door locked, at some stupid party, because neither of you are supposed to want it.

.

.

Harry Potter  

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1113588    Business by esama    12k, canon-AU, gen, dark!Harry,  

The Dursleys didn't raise Harry Potter to be a very good boy.

Mildest of fusions with Sherlock Holmes

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/838184    Hit The Ground Running by Tozette   112k, canon-AU, slytherin!Harry, child abuse, 

The Horcrux in Harry's head wakes up and begins talking to Harry long before he's ever heard the name Voldemort.   

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7548181     Slithering by astolat     27k, Harry/Draco, post-war, 

Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6177703     House Proud by astolat    23k, Harry/Draco, post-war, 

His house liked Draco Malfoy more than him.

i love this kind of magic.

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https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4536005    Oh God Not Again! by Sarah1281    162k, Harry-centric, time-travel, humour, 

So maybe everything didn't work out perfectly for Harry. Still, most of his friends survived, he'd gotten married, and was about to become a father. If only he'd have stayed away from the Veil, he wouldn't have had to go back and do everything AGAIN.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/825875    All Life is Yours to Miss by Saras_Girl    114k, Harry/Draco, slow burn, 

Professor Malfoy's world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go.

.

.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them 

tbh i don’t think i really have to tag these as emotional manipulation, dub-con and abuse since there’s nothing pure, innocent, happy, or healthy about the (canon) gredence ship or credence’s character in general but, yeah...

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8619118    I Felt Your Shape by th_esaurus    3k, Credence/Graves, dub con, emotional manipulation, abuse, body horror,

Graves gets to his knees. His palms slide down Credence's shoulders, to his chest, and Graves rests his head against the boy's thin belly, one ear to his stomach.

"There is nothing dangerous in you," he says. "Nothing at all."

He sounds—disappointed.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8713267    such as is common to man by imochan    7k, Credence/Graves, fix-it, emotional manipulation, 

Arriving in London, Credence finds a familiar face.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8635411   The Lord's Work by betts    15k, AU, Credence/Graves, abuse, religious guilt, h/c, dissasociation, 

When Credence met the man’s eyes, he felt a strong jolt in his gut, a profound instinct of sameness about him, in some way he couldn’t fully conceive. The dark thing residing inside Credence was maybe the dark thing in this man, too.

His hands began to tremble as they did when he was scared, but this didn’t feel like fear so much as a heady thrill he didn’t understand. “Hello, my name is Credence. I am calling on you and your neighbors with an interesting article.” He handed over a copy of The Watchtower. “I am wondering if you would be interested in reading this.”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8677570    Show Me by callay    2k, Credence/Graves, possessiveness, public masturbation, 

“Tell me,” continues Graves, his voice even lower now. “Does this always happen when I heal you?”

“Always. When you – when you touch me.”

Graves takes a breath. Credence can hear it; Graves has drawn even closer, not so close that they touch but close enough that Credence can feel every scant inch of space between them. His voice is a low murmur. “And what do you do, Credence, when this happens to you?”

.

.

Game of Thrones 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/813223    The Covering Sky by Rellie    136k, canon-divergent, Jamie/Brienne, slow build, 

AU, from the end of 3x07 in which the timeline is changed slightly and Brienne ends up as the reluctant guest of the Lannisters in King's Landing. 

.  

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1241512    The Seven Bind Their Fate by RoseHeart    191k, Canon-AU, Jamie/Brienne, slow build, UST, 

What if Jaime became a prisoner of Renly Baratheon, instead of Robb Stark, and he met Brienne earlier? This story delves into the changing nature of Jaime and Brienne's relationship in a time of war and shifting alliances and then explores how their journey, and the land, is changed by this small twist of fate. 

.

.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 

(no ship because turtle penises are scary)

.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3624149    Underdark by Nekotsuki  43k, gen, Mikey-centric, injury, 1-pov,   

He’s hanging upside down in the middle of the great underdark, weighed down by a half hysterical turtle in the middle of a bunch of pipes and water and rock that are conspiring to kill us both off, and Leo still manages to sound like he Has A Plan.

an excellent example of “we’re injured and in deep shit and i’ve gotta get us out of here” fic that i adore. Also, Mikey really get to shine here, which is fab. Seriously, don’t let the 1-pov scare you off.

.

.

Free!

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1856572    Catch A Falling Star by hoshruba      14k, AU, Haruka/Makoto, loss, pining, 

“Oh, darling, do you remember… what was his name? Makoto, was it?” Haru freezes in place, his breath catches in his windpipe like cloth on brambles. He feels Makoto stifle a gasp and try to shrink into himself.

“I asked if you ever saw him again.”

.

.

Boku no Hero Academia

(i did not end up with the otp i expected, but i’m so not complaining)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6961186     how they got detention for a week by eggstasy     5k, Bakugou/Kirishima, outsider pov,  

This is getting serious. Kaminari likes Bakugou well enough, as another individual in his class who is generally more capable than most of them and hasn’t yet tried to murder him personally, but that’s about where his good will ends. Especially where his best dudefriend is concerned (aside from Sero, but Sero isn’t a common sense deviant like Kirishima tends to be. Kirishima needs the supervision).

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6693406     How to Make Bakugou Katsuki a Decent Human Being by keptein    6k, Bakugou/Kirishima, 

A how-to by Kirishima Eijirou.

(Kirishima decides to make Bakugou the guy Kirishima knows he can be. Everything else snowballs from there.)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7192085     The Hard Easy by dirtbag     5k, Bakugou/Kirishima, kissing, biting, 

"So," Kirishima says. "Kissing lessons."   

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6895168    Bigmouth Strikes Again by dirtbag    1k, Bakugou/Kirishima, kissing, finger sucking, oral kink, 

"Do you remember that one time at lunch you were looking at my teeth and you had your fingers in my mouth?” Kirishima asks, all in one breath. "Can we do that again?"

works very well read after The Hard Easy, recced above. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6946963     Pop Rocks by dynapunk (tyelperin)    3k, Bakugou/Kirishima, 

As if friendship wasn't being hard enough, he had to go and catch feelings. 

.  

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3793852    Dulcet by Ringi    4k, Bakugou/Kirishima, 

He’s angry, and too embarrassed to specify at whom. There isn’t even any real need to be, and if he were smooth enough, he could have dished out some bullshit yet still acceptable reply. But instead, he chokes--stammers:

“What the fuck?”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6835363    safe & sound by Authoress     4k, Bakugou/Kirishima, mentioned character death, 

“I don’t need a friendly face,” Bakugou says, purposefully sitting in the seat furthest from Kirishima.

“Okay, maybe not,” Kirishima says. He smiles. “But I made tea.”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4250985    Love Bites by Sleeves    1k, Bakugou/Kirishima, kissing, biting, 

‘ "You liked that," Kirishima says, not even bothering to hide the amusement in his voice. ‘

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7229989    A Little Love Never Hurts (Until It's No Longer a Little) by furihatachlookie    4k, Midoriya/Todoroki, pining, 

It all started at the Sports Festival, and it all goes downhill from there. For Todoroki, at least.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/4469489    Heavy petting by ImmaEatUrYaoi    7k, Bakugou/Kirishima, frottage,   

Kiripie and Bakagou does the sex at each other. Shameless, pointless, baseless smut.  

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4333185     That's not a quirk, you dumbass. by ImmaEatUrYaoi    6k, Kirishima/Bakugou, fluff,  

Kacchan is being thirsty as fuk for Kirishima (but honestly who wouldn't be)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7142792     ragtag by SportsAnimeRuinedMyLife (KnightOfRage)     67k, Kirishima/Bakugou, violence, post-graduation,   

Kirishima Eijirou had enough to deal with before almost every pro hero went missing. But after an unthinkable disaster throws society into chaos, Class 1-A reunites and tries to figure out what went wrong and what exactly they're supposed to do next.

Or...Deku is missing, the pro heroes are gone, but Kirishima is trying his best.

very plotty, with excellent characterization and lots of love for the minor characters.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7618783     Present Mic’s Awesome Mixtape 2.0 by KuriKuri      10k, Eraserhead/Present Mic, pre-series, 

Hizashi is going to make Aizawa Shōta his friend if it kills him.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7829011     i feel your warmth, and it feels like home by trshchld     4k, Midoriya/Todoroki, pining, 

The five times where Shouto remembers that Midoriya is more buff than he lets on.

(alternatively titled the-one-where-shouto-internally-nosebleeds-and-tries-to-act-casual)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7826632     Tribute To by SugarMagic     5k, Shinsou/Midoriya, masturbation, fantasizing, praise kink,  

Shinsou makes use of an unconventional treatment for insomnia, and has someone on his mind.  

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7785463    take the path that moonbeams make by plantegg    8k, AU, Bakugou/Kirishima,   

"What could possibly be better than Disney World?" "Death. Or literally anything else." Or, a Disney World au where Bakugou is a grumpy janitor and Kirishima plays the park's Peter Pan.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8101432    waterlogged (red blue, green) by lein    8k, Midoriya/Todoroki, soulmates, pining, 

Izuku has never been one to curse but the only way to describe himself as his mother hugs him goodbye that morning, is royally fucked.

He’s really, truly glad no one in their class has a mind-reading quirk because from the minute his feet touched warm sand, his mind has been screaming in tune to the same famous classical overtures Tenya listens to when they study together. Occasionally, the music pauses just long enough for his brain to point out observations about Shouto that make Izuku want to stick his head under the waves and just breathe in.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8068954    you and I might just be the best thing by Poteto     13k, AU, Bakugou/Kirishima, 

Kirishima has the bad habit of falling in love with assholes - and then he meets Bakugou.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6713596    Fight club by xShieru    7k, Midoriya/Todoroki, frottage, 

In his defense, Izuku would mention the fact that they are fifteen and that sparring with an extremely attractive male – it‘s just the adrenaline rush, really - is bound to result in this. Social media had taught him that much, at least.

It‘s just his rotten luck that his 'handsome sparring partner' happens to be his friend Todoroki Shouto. Which is entirely unfair and really bad for Izuku‘s poor rabbit-heart.

(alternatively: Midoriya fights his sexuality, his inferiority complex, his feelings, and his crush)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8269168    marketable by eggstasy     6k, Kirishima/Bakugou, 

Jealous Inner Kirishima has a better vocabulary than Actual Life Kirishima, who just has to open his mouth to make stupid words fall out in the wrong order. Bakugou throws a laundered sweat towel at his face and says, “Quit leaving your shit downstairs,” and Kirishima answers him with, “Thanks for my towel washing it,” which leads to him sinking down in his chair and trying not to die.

People notice.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/4250985     Love Bites by Sleeves    1k, Kirishima/Bakugou, biting, sloppy makeouts, 

Bakugou doesn't pay attention to stupid shit like the color of someone's eyes or the shape of their lips or the way they walk, but for whatever reason he has instant recall of Kirishima's infuriatingly bright smile and every spike of his shitty ridiculous hair and the way he flicks his eyes in Bakugou's direction when he knows Bakugou is looking and every other excruciating detail of his existence like they're burned into his skull.

It doesn't help that Kirishima has him up against a wall right now, shoving all those little details right up in Bakugou's face.

.

.

Voltron: Legendary Defender   

(i just ship them all, ok?)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7298179    bench press me by eggboi    1k, Keith/Lance, 

“The hell are you doing?” Keith grumbles out, body mid-push up. There’s a snicker behind him, too close to his ears, though Keith can’t really understand what would be so amusing about this. Then again, he’s not really sure why Lance is lying on him while he’s doing push ups either. Other than to be, of course, annoying.

“Nothing.” Lance finally says. Keith hears the grin in his voice, which only proves to irritate him a little more. ‘Nothing’ his ass. “Continue with what you’re doing, Mr. ‘I’m-Too-Good-For-Socialization’.”

(Lance, as always, tries to annoy Keith by making his exercise harder. It doesn’t work. At all.)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7214380    Kiss Me If You Want Me by Barkour    3k, Keith/Lance, sex pollen, sex comedy,  

Lance has an epiphany and Keith makes a confession. Also, they fuck.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7444777    kiss me (on the mouth) by ashinan    3k, Keith/Lance, frottage, hand jobs, 

The training room was the only place Keith felt fully in control. Until Lance walked in. Then - well, everything tended to get a bit heated when they were together.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7352212    we'll make it, you and me by asexualrey    6k, Keith/Lance, injury, 

"Keith, if we make it out of this alive, I'm going to kiss you."   

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7387033    Stormchasing by sinelanguage    18k, Keith/Lance, adventure, forced proximity, injury,  

This isn’t how Lance intended to spend his vacation, chasing after Keith’s premonitions. But here he is, and he’s one hundred percent blaming Keith for all the trouble they’re about to get into. Keith makes bad decision, Lance makes mistakes, and both of them are stuck together on a space pirate adventure neither of them asked for.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7381330    Your Grace Is Wasted by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)    12k, gen, 5+1, 

Five times that no one was thinking of Shiro as a dad.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7537744    Acceptable Behavior by eso (cazzy)    3k, Keith/Lance, frottage, biting,  

Keith's chest heaves with the exertion of dueling a killer robot while simultaneously managing to open the air lock door in order to save his fellow paladin's life, and Lance thinks, Oh, fuck.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7332526    the whole town's sleeping by astrainclinant     17k, Shiro/Keith, slow burn, pining, 

Of inevitability and stars.

Alternatively, how Keith and Shiro come together.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/series/502696     After The Fire series by WineBoxConfessions    54k, Pidge/Shiro, alien marriage, trans character, memory loss, PTSD,   

He refused to let anyone know about the heavy arm draped over his chest. The firm hand on his shoulder designed to send a message to anyone nearby. Pidge didn’t expect things to stay the same. People do strange and extraordinary things when they’re under extreme duress…He hadn’t expected to lose his best friend completely.

such a good

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7452358     the electric synthesized pop ballad of why keith can’t have nice things by kay_cricketed     10k, Keith/Lance, a/b/o elements, 

Keith can't have nice things. That's it. That's the story.

(Or, in which Keith slowly learns that sometimes the best family is the one you make, Pidge has strong feelings about peanuts, Lance has a secret but would've spoken up sooner if he'd known it would break Keith's brain, Hunk is the actual best, and Shiro is just relieved he didn't have to give anyone the Talk.)

yes this is fantastic,. i love the take on the a/b/o trope.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7631584     what are you willing to do? by aknightley     3k, Lance/Keith, pwp, bareback, 

They fuck in the Red Lion.

"This is such a bad idea," Lance says, running his hands down Keith's sides and jerking his shirt out of his pants.’

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7374097    What a Healing Pod Can't Repair by Remember_Me     36k, Keith/Lance, angst, h/c, 

The compromised wormhole was ripping apart at the seams, sending everyone spiraling away in completely different directions. Lance could feel himself being pulled and bent in ways he was definitely not supposed to be. -- Stitching the team back together after everyone is separated is difficult, and for one Paladin rescue wouldn't be coming for a very long time.   

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7690066      pepsicola by stalemateBecks     10k, Keith/Lance, pining, 

It starts like this: Lance looking up at the scoreboard only a few days into his Garrison training and muttering to himself, “What the hell kind of a name is Keith?”

-- Or, Keith and Lance fall in love. Eventually.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7777147       blow me up by zxrysky     4k, Keiith/Lance, power bottom!Keith,    

Keith has no idea how this starts, whatever this is. All he knows is that Lance is hot, objectively, incredibly attractive with slim hips and tan skin and legs that go on forever, and yeah, Keith is attracted to that. Lance, for all his smart talk and irrational flirting with every girl he sees, is something that, weirdly enough, makes Keith like him.

Maybe it’s how unattainable he seems. Maybe it’s how fucking straight he seems, but after every mission he gives Keith this look, running his eyes up and down Keith’s body and giving him a tired, happy smile that makes Keith’s abdomen flip up and over inside.

-=-

Keith has a thing for Lance. He acts on it.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/series/520738      Make me come (again) series by MatrixCube     13k, Hunk/Lance, pwp, slight d/s, voyeurism, breath play, strength kink, rough sex,   

At the Garrison, Lance hooks up with people and enjoys life - if it weren't for a certain 'problem'. One night, he confesses to his roomie Hunk that he can't come from simply having sex with someone; he needs a bit more than that.

Good for him that Hunk is willing to help him out.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7739998      Take It from Me by onestrangenovelist     9k, Keith/Lance, kissing,   

“Well,” Keith says. “Are you going to kiss me back, or are you just that awful at kissing?”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7579015       No Phone Service in Space by lemoninagin     6k, Keith/Lance, UST, awkward boners, accidental bondage, forced proximity, 

“Oh man, you’re actually kinda sexy when you’re being all cocky, oh no. What have you done to me?” Lance lamented, turning his head to the sky and doing a cross motion, hand skipping from his forehead, down to his chest, then across each shoulder in silent, dramatic prayer.

Keith couldn’t believe it. He almost threw Lance in the weird river nearby. “What have I done to you? Are you fucking kidding--”

Lance clapped a hand on each of Keith’s shoulders, his face set into rigid determination. “Keith, real talk. Can I kiss you?”

my absolute favourite trope is awkward boners ok? especially combined with forced proximity,it’s the actual best fucking fight me

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7452727     like the north star itself by raewrites     2k, Hunk/Lance, pwp, 

“You got plans, big guy?” Lance asks, grinning crookedly as he lifts his legs and hooks them around Hunk’s back, pulling him forward. Hunk stifles a laugh, opting to comment on the sharp boniness of Lance’s ankles instead, earning a half-hearted kick and a declaration to fight in return. “I’d win in a fight against you.” Hunk says, leaning over Lance to press the words against the flushed skin and fluttery pulse of the other’s neck, “I’d toss you over my shoulder like a sack of spare parts.”

Lance makes a low noise in the back of his throat like he wouldn’t particularly mind this.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7553101     A Regular Thing by cattchi     2k, Hunk/Lance, kissing, 

Lance has never been kissed and Hunk is a really, really, REALLY good friend

.   

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7762459    Ocean Frogs by surveycorpsjean     5k, Shiro/Shiro, smut, hella filthy,   

He's boiling.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/series/522925     Real Lions AU series by Titans_R_Us     ~8k, gen, fluff, lions,   

“Should I be closing my eyes? I feel like this is something I should be closing my eyes to.” Pidge says.  

yesssss, this pleases me. so much <3

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7558720     You Smell Like Trash by BoxWineConfessions     29k, Canon-AU, Keith/Pidge, slow burn, 

“Garrison,” Keith hisses he turns his head in every direction trying to identify something, but can’t. “You’re a lot of trouble you know that.” He takes his knife from his belt and holds it in one hand. “Just follow my lead. You were kidnapped. You know, vulnerable smart shrimp.”

She feels the knife at her throat. Yeah. Like that explains it.

Or: Pidge meets a badly dressed smelly guy out in the desert. When he's not trying to get her killed, they actually make an okay team.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/series/500086     Ventures in Viridian series by The Qing    ~35k, Lance/Pidge, slow burn, bickering, pranks, 

On the hunt for their lost comrades, Pidge and Lance trade barbs, boasts, and battle scars in the boundless void.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7499001     Shadows of Our Dreams by KUG    10k, gen, h/c, fluff, cuddles, bed sharing,   

-There comes a time and place where you don’t stand so tall-

The Paladins of Voltron have been reunited and are now resting and trying to heal, but nightmares tend to stick around longer than physical injuries. Time for a good ol' fashioned sleepover with the team.  

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7748638        bruises by Chaosandthecalm    3k, Keith/Lance, love/hate, 

"Show me how much you hate me.”

Keith wants to know what Lance's problem is. The answer might surprise him.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7502169     My Youth Is Yours by MilkTeaMiku    29k, Keith/Lance, fluff, kid fic, de-aging, 

An unforseen blast in the middle of a battle de-ages Lance into a child for a week.

Keith does not understand babies.

too cute 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7843912     Shiro is a Smitten Kitten by memoriesofrain     921 words, Shiro/Lance, pining,  

He didn't know how it happened, but Shiro found himself faced with an inevitable truth: he was head over heels for Lance.   

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7844677     Let The Water Lead Us Home by LynnLarsh     12k, Keith/Lance, 

He’d just wanted a glimpse. It was stupid and childish and selfish, but he’d just wanted one more look out on the ocean, one more peek in the window of his family home, just in case they never made it back to Earth. Just in case he never got another chance.

But this wasn’t the Holo-Deck from Star Trek. And this broken simulator tube wasn’t going to be able to do any of that for him, now was it?

A.K.A - Lance finds himself stuck in a simulation and Keith is determined to get him out.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7890214    The Game is up by WHUMPBBY    2k, Nyma/Lance, dub-con/non-con, bondage, alien sex, 

There was this prompt on Voltron kinkmeme about Nyma fucking Lance once he's tied to a tree that caught my fancy. This is what we're getting here, folks;] *********

He stepped to her first, with a curious tilt to his mouth that she suspected was supposed to look flirtatious. She hooked him in with just a look and a spark of interest, encouraging his silly antics with a smile and a nod. It was supposed to be a quick con, but she genuinely liked the boy from the first look - he seemed young, inexperienced and gagging for it.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7738513     Trembling Lips by nonna    17k, gen, 5+1, angst, whump, 

Lance is an emotional person who cries easily (and does the trembly-lip thing a lot) but tries to stay strong in front of the team.

OR

Five times Lance stopped himself from crying in front of his teammates, and the one time he couldn't hold it back.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7883014    thread our way through a string of stars by steelthighsvoideyes    22k, AU,  Keith/Lance,  

Lance is a humble astrophysics student trying to conduct research, which turns out to be a bit difficult to do when he finds a strange guy sitting in his customary research spot. A strange guy looking for aliens, no less.

Lance isn't going to stand for this.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7835008     Standing in the Eye of the Storm by erisgregory     1k, Keith/Lance, pwp, angry sex, frottage, 

shameless pwp set in the training room after a fight.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7834108    i'd get lost in space with you by TimmyJaybird    30k, Keith/Shiro, trans character, dysphoria, pre-series, pining, angst, 

Keith never expected to fall so hard for someone as he did Shiro. He never expected to find support in someone they way he did in Shiro.

He never expected to lose someone like he lost Shiro.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7939960     A Romantic Guy by MatrixCube    3k, Hunk/Keith, pwp, bruises, biting, intercrural, 

“You like that?”

Keith nods eagerly, looking down on Hunk’s hands wandering to the inside of his legs. The skin is more tender there, more sensitive, and wow, Hunk’s complexion is a nice contrast to his own skin—

I want him to grab me so hard that it’ll leave bruises. The sudden thought goes straight to his cock. He really, really wants that. “More,” he breathes, and can see Hunk smiling at him.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7918087    Another Love Of Mine by maxsaystowrite    13k, Alfor/Coran, pre-series, 

They were King and Advisor. They were Paladins. They were friends. Coran always knew he would be loyal to his king, he never thought he would fall in love with him, raise his daughter, be the last of his subjects. Loyalty and promises never fade. And love strikes more than once for some.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7344679     Boom Crash the Sound of My Ship by maychorian    40k, gen, action, h/c, sick!fic, PTSD, cuddling, (bed sharing, bonding)

After a Galra attack splits Voltron, the blue lion is damaged and falls toward the jungle planet below. Shiro follows, and now he and Lance are stranded in hostile territory, fighting to survive. Lance is injured, Shiro is having flashbacks, and help is far away. And the Galra just...keep coming. 

A fantastic read. The entire series, called Boom Crash, is magnificent. It handles trauma and the after effects, and how to deal with it in a very skilled manner. I love the interactions between the paladins, the bond between them and the one between Lance and blue is a delight to read. Also, as a bonus, Coran great role in this.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7851415     Dirty by Rambutans    5k, Keith/Lance, domestic nudity, fluff,   

Keith is a nasty dirty boy and Lance decides its his responsibility to clean him up.

(This is a gross domestic fluff fic about Keith's poor hygiene skills don't let the description fool you.)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7892755    sedated by Chaosandthecalm    3k, Keith/Lance, pwp, rimming, sex buddies, 

Sometimes Lance needs some help falling asleep. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7984711    adrenaline by Chaosandthecalm     2k, Keith/Lance, pwp, first time,   

Sometimes Keith just needs Lance.

the continuation of sedated, recced above

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7975522    Isn't There a White Knight by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)    7k, gen, 

Kink Meme FIll: "In the first episode, Lance says that Shiro is his hero. But Shiro is still just a guy in his mid twenties, and we've seen him join in on silly stuff ("Blam blam blam!").

So what I want is five times Lance sees Shiro do dorky, ridiculous things, and one time he realizes he'd still follow this dork to Hell and back."

C'mon, as if I could pass that up.

it’s important to me that Shiro gets to be a dorky twenty something and not just the responsible adult. also, i kept the tab open on my phone for about a week and whenever i saw the title i got that damn song stuck in my head.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7898674    Three Is Not A Crowd by HK44    8k, Hunk/Lance/Pidge, threesome, polyamory, 

He felt his face heat up, pressed his hand to the back of his head and gazed studiously at the wall. “Do you, Pidge, want to. Bang. With me. And- and Hunk.”

Her eyes flickered and she gazed studiously at the ground. “Um, sure. Sounds good.”

Whoever said three was a crowd, was a fucking idiot.

Edit: There is now a third part  which also features Keith \o/

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7971835    breathless by zxrysky    6k, AU, Keith/Lance, mermaids, 

"You shouldn't go out to the sea at night," their grandmother says. She's in a rocking chair, old and creaky, her withered body settled with a shawl around her shoulders, wrinkled fingers gripping the edges of the arm rest. "Don't risk it."

"Risk what?" Shiro asks, eyes wide. He's fourteen, just a young boy, on the cusp of maturity, arms wrapped around his younger brother as they sit before their grandmother.

His grandmother pauses for a while. "There is danger in the sea."

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7559206    A Song of Me Song in Need by vagrantBreath    9k, Lance/Shiro, depression, torture, 

Everything is okay. Got it? Lance is fine. Everything is fine. No one needs to worry about him.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7480611    Releasing Control by batbooty    1k, Lance/Shiro, fantasising, masturbation, 

Spicy bara titties thinking about your favorite blue paladin, at night (AT NIGHT).

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7888423    Massage by Minter_W    3k, Lance/Shiro, massage, fluff,  

Lance is so stressed out that it's causing his back to hurt; a lot. After Lance misses a training session, Shiro comes to check up on him. He ends up giving Lance a massage.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7938886    your hands in the holes of my sweater by ladyfnick   7k, Shiro/Keith/Lance, 5+1, polyamory, cuddling, bed sharing,

So it turns out that space is hella cold, so it's only natural that Lance ends up platonically cuddling with the other paladins. Well mostly platonically. Lance blames space for the mostly part.

(idk why but i really love that title??)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7924666    Intergalactic Space Lothario by NeedMoreCyanInk    4k, Keith/Lance, kissing, wrestling, 

“What the hell are you doing?” “I panicked.” Keith sighs deeply. He feels funny all over, all jumbled up and lightheaded. His face is so hot. “For once can you not think with your damn libido?”

Cabin fever is driving everyone nuts. Keith and Lance wrestle. 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7957831    i can't help but want by aknightley    16k, Keith/Lance, slow burn, 

Lance deals with the aftermath of being sucked into a black hole and stranded on an alien planet.

When Lance wakes up, all he can see is blue. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7978024    For Science by kali_asleep    13k, Shiro/Pidge, slow burn, 

It didn't take five years of hurtling through space with a ragtag group of galactic defenders for Shiro to figure out which fires to put out, and which fires to ignore.

But when Pidge and Hunk's zany experiments - "for science" - start hitting close to home, Shiro starts to wonder if maybe there are some fires that are better left to burn.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7906597    A Shove Towards Love by General_Button     30k, Keith/Lance, alien rituals, soul mates, minor forced proximity, 

A simple rescue mission turns into chaos when the species on the planet Novaria take an interest in the lives of two of its paladins.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7520926    Let me be your Fairy God Bro, Cinderella by RebornFromSeas    807 words, gen, fluff, trans character,  

Lance is left with more questions than answers after Pidge's announcement, and wants to make sure she's okay.

supportive!Lance is my favourite

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7813126     Nightmares by Trashness    14k, Keith/Lance, fluff, bed sharing, 

Lance's nightmares are getting out of control. It's effecting his and the team's performance, but he's at a loss for how to fix this.

Apparently sleeping next to a warm body helps.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7406107    Short Hair by ElfGrove     6k, Shiro/Pidge, pining, PTSD, fluff, 

Just some quick, self-indulgent fluff themed around the changing hairdos of the two characters.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7801666    gabriel done came to me (and kissed me in my sleep) by ilgaksu    1k, Keith/Lance, backstory, Texan!Keith,  

“Dude,” Lance says, almost reverent if it wasn’t for the glee in his eyes, “How are you even real?”

this is beautifully written.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7794772    We Don't Fear Those Sleepless by NightsGears    13k, gen, implied relationships, PTSD, fluff, h/c, bed sharing, 

It’s difficult to tell how long after, especially when there’s no clock and the only others who could really tell what time it is don’t use the same system, but days, cycles, hours, ticks, or whatever later, the dynamics between the paladins shift from communal to familial.

Or, the team has sleepovers and work through their issues together as a family.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7811833    Last One Home by nawsies     6k, Lance-centric, minor keith/lance, isolation, 

After being flung through space Lance ends up alone at the far reaches of the galaxy waiting for a pick-up. It'll be a long time coming, but hey, at least the atmosphere wasn't 10% heroin.

"Sometimes Lance would sleep in Blue, her quiet whirring similar enough to the sound of the castle he could lie to himself, say he was back on board the ship and he’d wake up to Hunk’s cooking and Pidge’s latest invention...Lance enjoyed people, he enjoyed making other people happy and his own company was never as good as another person’s laugh at his joke, or even at his expense. The Paladins were the best people he’d ever met, family excluded, and he missed them more than he cared to admit. He’d been away from Earth for a long time now but it was only since landing on this planet that he really felt like he was away from home."

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7465554    Deprivation Clarity by milky (milky_teacup)    6k, Lance/Shiro, rough sex, wall sex, 

When Shiro's Galra prosthetic malfunctions, it takes patience and good leadership skills to wait out for assistance. 

holy hell

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7617793    Just Static by Jessadilla (wobblyarms)     84k, Keith/Lance, slow burn, h/c, pining, injury, 

--Static---- -iro, Hunk, Kei---, nybody? I’m---- -static-- --I’m sorry guys. This is all my-- --static--cc-- ---I found my coordinates. They’re-- -stttcc- -guys. I hear something--- --scccc- -end transmission-

Alone on a hostile planet, transmissions aren't getting through. How did it come to this?

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7727824    Feel the Bonds by amycoolz, SylviaW1991     53k, Keith/Lance, smut, 

Being a paladin of Voltron is honestly the coolest thing that ever could've happened to Lance, but the people who should know probably never will. What could his family possibly think of him being gone for so long? But he can't think about them. He can't. He has to defend the universe and apologize to Keith for being a dick to him. Again. And, holy crow, is Keith checking him out? Please?

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8031721     like honey by manamune    4k, Keith/Lance, dom/sub, 

Keith wants to lose control.

Lance has always liked helping people.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7991536    got got got it bad by kairiolette    10k, Keith/Lance, pining, 5+1, 

"He leans in to hook his arm around Keith’s shoulders in full. It’s right in Keith ear, when he speaks. “I have a crush on someone new, like, every week.”

“No—it's not someone.” Keith brings his head up, and it feels as heavy on his neck as if it were his center of gravity, and he meets Lance’s eyes with his own. Keith doesn’t mean to communicate something through their silence, he just kind of gets caught up in staring at Lance’s face, which tends to happen lately. Sharp features, cheekbones and chin. Impossible eyes and a loud mouth as expressive as his eyebrows. But Lance seems to come to some understanding on his own. He sits back in a rare, rare moment of speechlessness, that mouth of his slightly pursed and twitching in its search for words in what can only be, though Keith doesn’t know much about body language, immense confusion on the brink of realization."

Or: Keith acknowledges his feelings for Lance and promptly goes through the five stages of grief.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7991188     The Love of a Hero by quartetship    3k, Shiro/Lance, fluff, 

That guy's my hero.

Lance had always idolized Shiro, but never had he dared to believe they would grow to be as close as they had become...

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7644025     Being an Idiot (the story of Lance) by Holle_wood     11k, Hunk/Keith/Pidge/Shiro/Lance, polydins, langst, 

He’ll fake it till he makes it.

Lance is the dumb one (just not dumb enough).

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8073454     Eyeliner 101 by TinyShinyUnique     4k, Shiro/Pidge, fluff, 

Pidge is still struggling to get the feminine parts of her personality right. She has Allura for compassion, she has Lance for tips, but when it truly counts, her go-to-person is Shiro. Her little crush on him sometimes gets in the way though.

Or: Shiro teaches Pidge how to apply eyeliner.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8100694      blame it on the space booze by bishounen_curious     13k, Keith/Lance, aphrodisiacs, smut,

Lance was too much of an ass, Keith far too impulsive, and Shiro just wanted to have a good time. And, well, why exactly would they drink all that space booze when they had no idea what it actually was?

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8109046     That's Rough Buddy by JoyouslyNeonLeon    2k, Lance/Shiro, 

“Oh uh…okay...” Lance says, “what's his problem?” Pidge shrugs, grinning from ear to ear, “no idea man.” ------ In which Shiro has a crush, Lance is (mostly) oblivious, Pidge is planning something, Keith and Hunk are buds and I get my much desired beach fic.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7879444   Good Boys by Jennypen  18k, AU, Keith/Lance/Shiro, Lance/Shiro, voyeurism, exhibitionism, porn, 

Keith searches the wrong thing on pornhub and gets a whole lot more than what he bargained for. 

This is so good you guys *cries a bit*  Was reading this while commuting to school and had to quit at a vital point and then i spent the entire lesson thinking about what would happen next. i didn’t absorb a word the teacher said.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7569946    ghost of a king by ashinan    27k, Keith/Lance, h/c, injury, 

During a routine recon mission turned ambush, Lance and Blue must take drastic measures to ensure their survival. The aftermath leaves Lance lost and dreaming, and the team helpless to the possibility that, without a guide, he won't make it back. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8130655    need to believe you could hold me down by pageleaf    2k, Allura/Shiro, strength kink, slight dom/sub, 

"Oh," Allura says sheepishly. "Oh no, that was just me."

Shiro's eyes widen. "It...wasn't the shapeshifting?"

"No," Allura says. "Just my normal level of strength."

"Oh," Shiro says blankly. "Oh. Okay."

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8144162     Tidal by noero     1k, Keith/Lance, bed sharing, 

Although Keith may not consider himself a theorist, he figures the impulse that fuels his own inertia is the only force that can stop Lance’s aimless velocity. They just fit. Far be it from him question the laws of nature. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7679188     Under His Care by BoxWineConfessions     52k, AU, Shiro/Keith, slow burn, injury, 

Keith is living his childhood dream of co-owning the city's most famous motorcycle customization and repair shop. He spends a lot of time with Lance, Hunk, and his best girl Peaches (A 1972 Yamaha DS7). Life is pretty decent, even when he makes the mistake of answering the phone and Lance's mom is on the line chiding him about something he's pretty sure Lance is responsible for anyway.

Until the accident.

Apparently having a stupidly hot physical therapist is a pretty good pain killer.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8118802      Foundations by needchocolatenow     13k, AU, Keith/Lance, 

When Keith met Lance, it was over a briny sea.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8166058      Garden of Beginnings by needchocolatenow     5k, Keith/Lance, fluff, 

Hunk gets a criminal record, Pidge might have blackmail on Keith, and Shiro's wondering what happened to his shirt.

Keith and Lance fall into each other's orbit and keeps falling.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8157218      An Idiots Guide to Interpersonal Relationships.by Wishunew       5k, Lance/Shiro, pre-slash, 

Life is complicated, no one ever makes all the right choices for all the good reasons. Lance usually just gets by on luck. He's running out.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8224040     This Moment Alone by GlitchTheRoboticShadow    1k, AU, Keith/Lance, kissing,  

Lance wants to practice kissing with Keith. And Keith thinks that's utterly ridiculous. But what's even more ridiculous? He actually does it.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8137538      They Can Never Know by excadet, grosspaladin      6k, Hunk/Lance/Keith, masturbation, fantasizing, pining, guilt

They're in love.

All three of them in love with one another. None of them can know, they can't ruin their friendship so now it's their own dirty secret. What better way than to take it out by dirtying your sheets and fantasizing about the boys you can never have?

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7966024      Old Sick Boys by leporicide     15k, AU, Hunk/Lance, violence, 

Hunk has a violence in him that comes out in the ring. He's barely contained, body vibrating with unused energy. There's nothing more amazing than winning, than fractured jaws and broken noses, split lips and bruised eyes.

That is, until Lance.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8142797     equations for a falling body by csoru      25k, Keith/Lance, non-consensual drug use, dub-con, 

“So, good news,” says Lance, voice a little strangled. “I seriously doubt that’s a killer neurotoxin. Or knockout gas.”

Keith, Lance, an alien drug and an enclosed space, and what happens after.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7870165     Like Devo by surveycorpsjean      8k, AU, Keith/Lance, blood, bruises, injury, public sex, 

As rival jammers, they're rough, skating around the rink, giving bruises, bloody noses, broken ribs and snapped fingers-

But when the cops show up, Keith grabs his hand and yanks Lance into the storm drain.

And thats how they start dating.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8272118     All In by cheshireree     7k, Keith/Lance, 5+1, 

As far as Lance's teenage heart was concerned, apparently everything started and ended with him cradled in Keith's arms. Or something equally as embarrassing that Lance didn't really want to think about.

or, 5 times Keith carries Lance and one time Lance carries Keith.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8279633      own little, pack light by lein     12k, Keith/Lance, trans character, 

His name sounds nicer now, echoed in the metal walls of the castle, warmer and more natural, like it isn’t a cruel joke he’s force-feeding the world. Keith likes it more, sounds it out in his bedroom, wraps his mouth around it like it’s important.

He’s Keith, the red paladin, a defender of the universe. Shiro’s beside him and so is Lance. So are Pidge and Hunk, Allura and Coran. This, he thinks, toes curling in his boots, this is a family.

This is more of a family than he’s ever really had.

He likes it.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8341663      Damsel in Distress by birdzilla      6k, gen, humour, 

Somehow Lance always finds himself in trouble. Fortunately, his friends are always there to get him out of it.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8296028     Monster Lead Me Home by ColorWheel     7k, Hunk/Pidge, 

Pidge feels exhausted trying to fathom out the excuses anyone would have for acting like that. “I don’t want to hash out all of the reasons he’s not in love with me, today. It’s my birthday, let me have at least twenty four more hours to pretend that everything’s alright? I’m even going to let Allura do my hair today.” She flips her ponytail around haphazardly and even Keith can’t deny her that.

Pidge turns twenty one on a Tuesday, but she decides she won’t sort out this heavy weight in her life until Wednesday.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8302577     Like Forgetting The Words by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)    12k, gen, Shiro-centric, PTSD, 5+1, 

5 times Shiro forgot about his metal arm, and one time he was comfortable remembering.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7841764     call me, beep me by safra     85k, AU, Keith/Lance, fluff, waff, horrible pet naming habits, 

(00:31) Do you think she gave me the wrong number on purpose? (00:31) Or was it a genuine mistake? (00:32) Like maybe she writes funny and I misread it? (00:32) Some of the numbers do look a little dodgy... (00:33) Cause, you know, her threes could very easily be poorly formed eights? And maybe she writes her sevens like her ones?

(00:45) What (00:46) The (00:46) Fuck??? (00:47) Oh good, you are awake!

where lance messages the wrong number and things kind of snowball from there

One of the few fics that ever managed to make ME feel nervous and giddy about them meeting. Can easily be read without prior knowledge of the series.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8319058     Earthbound by GemmaRose    6k, polydins, OT5, mental link, emotional h/c, cuddling, galra!keith, 

Returned to Earth after several years in space, the Paladins must deal with the shock of being separated from their Lions. 

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8328523      A Ladder Most Handsome by wynnebat     757 words, Shiro/Pidge, pining, ust, 

The trend of Pidge climbing Shiro like a tree continues, but not quite in the way Pidge would like.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8140553     never saw you coming by dimpleforyourthoughts     47k, Keith/Lance, slow burn, pining, h/c, africa by toto, 

Three months in space on his own would have been fine. Three months in space with Lance McClain is a whole other fucking story.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8417293      what i have is right here by epiproctan     6k, Keith/Lance/Shiro, polyamory, getting together,  

ometimes it makes him think of their Garrison days. When Keith was a distant white-hot shooting star he chased because he didn’t know what else to do with him. When Shiro was something even farther, something brighter, the center of a galaxy that he never even hoped to enter. But all masses have gravitational pull. Everything in the universe attracts everything else.

Lance is grateful that theirs was strong enough to tug each other in.

or, a treatise on waiting

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http://archiveofourown.org/series/575692     punctum series by sublimation    6k, Shiro/Allura, praise kink, soft dom!allura, 

“You like that?” she couldn’t resist asking with a smile.

“Yes, Princess,” he answered without hesitation, with the same urgency as when she asked him tactical questions in the command room.

(Allura asks Shiro for a sparring lesson she didn't need)

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8413471    Into the Skid by proleptic_fancy     23k, Keith/Pidge+Shiro, h/c, unresolved ot3 feelings,  

Stranded in dead space while the Castle undergoes repairs, everyone is starting to go a little stir crazy. A training accident drives a wedge between Shiro and the rest of the team, and things get complicated fast when Keith tries to bridge the gap.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8413474    The Finest Flower by mbaline     4k, Shiro, tentacles, 

After a bad crash leaves his Lion badly damaged and his supplies depleted, Shiro is forced to venture out into the thick jungle of this dark, quiet world in search of water.

He soon discovers that looks can be deceiving: this alien planet isn't quite as uninhabited as he first thought. 

the most consensual tentacle porn i’ve ever read, even if it’s still pretty dubious.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7425328    your claws in me by burlesquecomposer    49k, Keith/Lance, mind control, h/c, angst, happy ending, 

“Oh trust me. When I’m done with you, I won’t be able to stop laughing,” Lance says lowly, and his lips curl farther, and there’s something wild in his stare, and it hits Keith suddenly.

This isn’t Lance.”

Lance falls under the control of Zarkon's Druids, and although his friends manage to get him back, nothing is quite the same. Maybe the Galra succeeded after all. Maybe the Galra merely wanted to tear Team Voltron apart from the inside.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8373805     Your Love Has Shown Me Proof by freshia     13k, Keith/Lance, kid fic, future reationship, fluff, 

“This situation is a bit more complicated than we initially realized.”

Lance raises an eyebrow, but Pidge is the one to question that. “Define complicated.”

Allura takes no more time beating around the bush, “Well, I received a transmission. Keith and Lance--from the future, that is--would like to have their daughter back."

or: Lance and Keith deal with a walking spoiler, in the form of a little girl who just wants to get back to her own home.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8391862      Give Them Shelter by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)     3k, gen, fluff, team feels, 

Have some freakin' gen fluff, you goddamn animals.

In response to Day 15 of legendarydesvender's Inktober.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8387245     the currents you create by theoddoodisnude     18k, Keith/Lance, h/c, seasonal affective disorder, 

Some days, he woke up even more tired than he’d been when he’d gone to sleep, and willing his body to go through the motions was just—tough. Like wading through thigh-high water or running on soft sand that gave under the soles of his feet.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8400094     Voyager, there are no bridges (one builds them as one walks) by dawnstruck    4k, AU, Shiro/Keith, prince!keith, galra!keith, dark!Shiro, rough sex, humiliation, 

He wants to fight this human. He wants to fuck him. No, he reconsiders, his thoughts oddly distanced from his physical being. He wants to be fucked, to be held down and taken.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8300251     Routine Maintenance by VelkynKarma    50k, gen, Shiro-centric, PTSD, injury, mild gore, 5+1, 

Being an amputee with a prosthetic limb is difficult enough. Having a solid metal alien prosthetic forced on you by another species entirely is even worse.

OR:

Five times Shiro’s Galra arm caused him trouble in some way and another member of the team helped him out with it, and the one time the same arm is the only reason any of them survive.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7454385     Dirty Laundry by Gibslythe    85k, AU, Keith/Lance, slow burn, fake dating, homo/biphobia, pining, 

"Two whole months of free laundry in exchange for two weeks of being my fake boyfriend. Deal?” Keith hesitated for a moment. Was this really worth it? Hardly. Lance was an asshole, and he wasn’t sure what fake dating would entail. But, free laundry was free laundry, right? “Alright, it’s a deal.”

Or: Lance makes the mistake of telling his Mom he has a boyfriend coming home with him for Christmas. Keith makes the mistake of agreeing to be Lance's 'fake boyfriend'.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7780750    This love won't ever be convenient by Lynn1998     78k, AU, Keith/Lance, high-school, trans character, slow burn, trans/homophobia, angst, fluff, 

*Complicated by Avril Lavigne plays in the distance*

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8539195     a truth so loud you can't ignore by KaijuDork     9k, Lance/Shiro, pining, ptsd, fluff,  

Lance decides to start leaving anonymous notes for Shiro to cheer him up, and can't quite stop himself from expressing his age-old crush through them. He doesn't plan on actually confessing to the other paladin, though, because there's no way it could be mutual.

Besides, he never gets caught leaving them, so Shiro won't know that they're from him... right?

this is so damn cute i had to put my phone down in the middle of the paragraph in some scenes.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8481565    Out of the Cold by birdzilla     4k, gen, injury, hypothermia, sharing body heat, 

When Hunk and Shiro crash-land on a wintery planet, it's up to Hunk to keep Shiro alive and warm.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8465545     all we have to do aknightley     19k, Keith/Lance, pining, h/c, 

Keith gets hurt during a mission, and Lance is not sure how to handle that.

“Lance wakes up on the floor outside of the medical bay, jerking wildly, body a mess of aches and twinges.”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8460238     I Have and I Always Will by HomebodyNobody    3k, Keith/Lance, 

Keith can't sleep and goes a-wandering. Right into the living room. Where Lance is. With his guitar.

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http://archiveofourown.org/series/549544    Connections series by Washipuppy   ~36k, wip, team, self confidence issues, h/c, cuddling,  

The mind is a tenacious thing. Once it grabs hold of a thought, a memory, or a problem, it can be hard to convince it to let go. Pidge has her drive to find her family, though right now she has these communication codes that could help her do that. Shiro has his past, though right now he has his a lion asking him for help and teammates who won't tell him what's going on in their heads. Lance has his doubts. And Keith... Well, he's convinced that Hunk is some kind of Sex God who has slept with both Shiro and Lance.

Now, how to prove that?

Meanwhile, Hunk is just doing his best to look out for everyone. It's like herding cats.

Hunk is great. I love Hunk. 

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8197430     Broken Cage by AshaCrone    35k, Thance/Shiro, a/b/o, body dysphoria, pregnancy, injury, suicidal thought, dub-con, 

Many things were lost to Shiro in the year he was a Galra captive. He escaped with a metal arm, a memory full of holes, and his body changed into an Omega that had recently given birth. All he can recall is someone there with him, holding each other's sanity together with their bare hands. He wants to remember... but he's afraid of what he might find.

Thace had never expected to meet the Champion. He had never expected to find something to care about after being cast out of the military. Together, they struggle to deal with being pawns in a bigger game.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8467450     Carrying the Team by maychorian     5k, gen, h/c, fluff, 

Everyone needs a piggyback ride sometimes. Hunk is (almost) always happy to provide.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8371768    Gifts of Rain by needchocolatenow     6k, AU, Lance/Shiro, human and animal sacrifice, gods, smut, 

Lance is the human sacrifice to Shiro, the wind god.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8505238     supermassive black hole by epiproctan    7k, Keith/Lance, friends with benefits, pining, 

“Keith has always known that he wasn’t going to get what he truly wants out of the arrangement, but he also hadn’t ever imagined that it would just…end.”

aka that classic fic where lance wants to stop hooking up but keith wants something else entirely

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8515021     "Platonic" Antagonism, or, the Unfortunate Versatility of the English Language by obstinateRixatrix    6k, Keith/Lance, 

“Maybe you guys got off on the wrong foot, but there’s really no point in pretending you don’t like Lance.” “That’s not it, I’m not pretending I don’t.” Sure, Keith’s not the easiest person to read, but he didn't think he was this bad. At least he caught wind of this frustrating miscommunication before it got any worse. Hunk really did have terrible taste in friends. “Of course I like Lance.”

His admission is punctuated by an almighty clatter as Lance, standing at the door, drops the box of metal he’s holding. “I knew it!” He yells, before anyone can say a word. “I knew you had a crush on me!” “What,” Keith says, out of lack of any coherent alternative. “My space-junk,” Hunk says, looking despairingly at the pile of odds and ends now scattered across the floor.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8520619     uh huh, honey by Reminscees    7k, AU, Keith/Lance, friends with benefits, pining, 

Keith knows he’s doomed the moment Lance rests his arm on the wall behind him, leans a little closer and asks what such a pretty face is doing in a place like this: a fraternity house neither of them even go to. Keith stares up into pretty blue eyes and a bright smile that promises a whole world of fun and tells him, “Waiting for you to get me a drink.”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8546818     The Passenger by keir    7k, AU, Lance/Shiro, 

Shiro is rolling on another long haul, only a couple days left till he reaches the drop-off point. His semi purrs along the winding highways under the hot Texan sun with nothing but fields as far as the eye can see.

He does a double take when he sees someone walking on the side of the road, almost unable to believe that a person is hiking along the shoulder of the highway out in the middle of nowhere. His good conscience makes him pull over, the semi rolling to a rumbling halt fifteen feet or so behind the stranger.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8449300    Triple Entendre by QuillFeathers    4k, Keith/Lance, fluff, 

Keith knows the phrase. But the meaning of a string of words is more than just the paper definition.

Alternatively: Three situations Lance tells Keith "let's dance".

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8589091     You Can Hear it in the Silence by Luddleston     4k, Lance/Shiro, h/c, panic attack, first time, cuddling, 

“Lance had never seen Shiro like this. Half-curled in on himself, hand tight in the fabric of his shirt, breath coming in harsh, unwieldy gasps, eyes unfocused. Scared. He was practically hiding on a corner of his bed, refusing to look at Lance, and that. That was not reassuring at all.”

Shiro has a panic attack, Lance has no idea what to do, but things seem a little better in the morning.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7607410    The Coxcomb by surveycorpsjean     68k,AU,  Shiro/Keith/Lance, strippers, polyamory, threesome, fluff 

Lance takes the job for the money.

Love is apparently a package deal.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8559784     I Need a Hero by Jennypen    2k, canon-AU, Lance/Shiro, age swap, role reversal, pining,   

Garrison freshman Shiro has it bad for senior Lance.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7892101      The Expiation Expedition by IntelligentAirhead, obstinateRixatrix    40k, Keith/Lance, fake relationship, 

Lance is well aware that miscommunications can result in horrific, preferably avoidable mishaps, which is why he tries to circumvent them whenever possible.

It just figures that the state of an entire planet's fragile political climate rests on him running straight into one.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8626207     nothing's quite as sweet by dimpleforyourthoughts, thebrotherswinchester 50k, AU, Keith/Lance, pining, slow burn,

Keith is a barista who hates his job. Lance works at the cat shelter across the street.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8609821    Twitterpated by warschach    23k, AU, Keith/Lance/Shiro, domestic, polyamory, threesome, pining, 

Keith had a problem.

All right, fine; it was more of a dilemma.

He liked his roommates, like A LOT, but here was the issue they're in a relationship with other each.

Shit.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8620729    So Beautiful, Yet So Unaware by SouthernBird    2k, Lance/Shiro, pining, fluff, 

In which Shiro is a pining sap and picks flowers on an alien planet.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8581786     you had me at merlot by DJalien    17k, AU, Keith/Lance, alcohol, 

“Oh my God,” Lance says as he covers his face. Keith’s tinny voice blares from his laptop speakers: “What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.” See, this joke might have been funny if someone charismatic and charming had said it, but Keith’s flat voice and even flatter expression effectively kidnaps, tortures, and then decapitates any chance of it being remotely humorous.

--

Keith accidentally starts a YouTube channel. Lance, of course, refuses to be left out. It goes about as well as you'd expect. (Ft. copious amounts of wine and a truly shameless number of references to MyDrunkKitchen, DailyGrace, and general pop culture)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8678704    Guillotine by quartetship    3k, Keith/Lance, 

Whatever they are, they're frightening, but he likes them all the same.

Keith figures out his feelings and lets Lance know, little by little.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8465548     Smoke Signals by tango1_1    50k, Lance/Shiro, slow burn, pining, PTSD, adventure, 

When they say that life flashes before your eyes when you die, they’re lying.

Lance and Shiro get lost. And then, perhaps, they get found?

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7940305     We'll Make It I Swear by Shipperbitch    31k, Keith/Lance, slow burn, gore, amputation, panic attacks, pining, 

Lance loses his leg during a mission and it takes a toll on the team, especially Keith. Except Keith begins to develop feelings for Lance during his time alone thinking. And when Lance is healed up, he too has some emotional issues that surface. Eventually they work it out, despite the harsh ups and downs.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8693962    Expecting the Unexpected by Anonymous    6k, Pidge-centric, oviposition, egg laying, pregnancy, giving birth, 

Team Voltron come across a peaceful, non-humanoid alien. Sadly, it's dying, and it has one last wish: it wants to lay its eggs in someone's uterus so its unborn children won't die with it. That's how they always reproduce, by laying their fertilized eggs in a willing host. Pidge agrees to go through with it.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8384884    Crossing Lines by Methoxyethane    12k, Keith/Lance, a/b/o, omega!keith, beta!lance, UST, slowburn, 

Okay so in retrospect, sitting outside of Keith’s door while he was in heat was not Lance’s best and brightest idea ever. But Shiro was the damned alpha round here and if HE refused to do anything when Keith was suffering so much… Well Lance just couldn’t leave him alone. It wouldn't have been right.

hooooly fuck this is right up my alley and i am a dumpster. UST perfection.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8262017    Magic Me Some Love by KaSaPe     143k, AU, Keith/Lance, galra!keith, panic attacks, violence, 

When Shiro's arm gets cut off while he is trying to protect Keith, Keith doesn't see any way to save his life but to break into the Galra's castle and steal some of their magical medicine. But nothing goes as planned and when he exits the castle empty handed he is cursed to look like a Galra until he accepts his halfbreed status. He is convinced that he has condemned Shiro to death - and then he learns of a magician that might be able to help just in time.

Meanwhile Lance didn't expect a Galra to turn up at his door, demanding him to save his half dead (human?!) friend. And he certainly didn't expect to fall in love with him either.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8836030     of friendship & accidental dick pics by kagshina    6k, AU, Keith/Lance, high school, sexting, 

Lance shakes his head, “You send a guy one dick pic and suddenly you’re best friends,” he mutters.

(Or, to Lance’s misfortune, there’s not a guidebook on how to act around your new friend who used to be your rival and totally still is even though now you kind of definitely want to kiss him.)

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8772118    Induced by GemmaRose     4k, Keith/Lance, a/b/o, alpha/alpha, sex pollen, 

Alien substances can have unexpected effects on humans, sometimes pleasant, sometimes not. Luckily for Lance, Keith is more than willing to help him through his reaction to the strange plants of this planet.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8896312     Phantoms and Friends by Emerald_Ashes    2k, Lance/Shiro, h/c, 

After an accident during a training session, Shiro is left without his right arm for the night.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8897761    The Demon Haunted by slivered    5k, AU, Keith/Lance/Shiro, incubi, public sex, threesome, 

"Well, what sort of self-respecting incubus rocks a mullet, huh?"

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8756821    Heat of the Moment by GreyscaleCourtier     2k, Hunk/Lance, sex pollen, 

Lance gets stung by a venomous creature on an alien planet. The symptoms are... unusual, to say the least.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8780950    i see the sky is on the ground by epiproctan    4k, Keith/Lance, Lance/Blue, masturbation, fantasising, pining, 

Lance is pretty frustrated, but the Blue Lion is definitely willing to help her Paladin out.

.

.

One-Punch Man

because cyborg porn is exciting

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5396942     Repairs by shaunhastings2012    1k, Genos/Saitama, unintentional orgasm, wire play, 

Genos needs to fix some of his wiring after a battle. It should've been a simple repair, but it wasn't going quite the way he'd expected. However, Genos didn't exactly mind what happened.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/5739763    Distance Removed by General_Button    44k, Genos/Saitama, forced proximity, soul bond,   

Pain along his wrist fizzled into existence and then, like a switch, exploded. Saitama stumbled back, fighting the urge to shout, and waited for it to fade.

“What—sensei, are you all right?!” Genos was staring at him incredulously, his mouth agape.

“It’s like I said,” Saitama said, rubbing his wrist lightly. “Something’s happening to me."

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5678506    After-School Karate Lessons by batneko    19k, AU, Genos/Saitama, masturbation, disability, 

Saitama has taught a lot of kids, is it his fault he can't remember this one?

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5485139     Phantom Limb by batneko     4k, Genos/Saitama, accidental orgasm, hand kink, scent kink, 

Genos doesn't have a penis, but accidentally discovers his brain can make do.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6492796     The Apron by Bloodsbane    18k, Genos/Saitama, pining, UST, clothing kink, domestic kink, 

Shit.

The word buzzed around Saitama’s skull like a mosquito, one he truly had no chance of squashing between his fingers.Shit, he thought, observing his disciple/roommate/best friend as he scrubbed furiously at a spot on the floor with a rag. He was on his knees, bent forward slightly, putting all his weight into removing an ugly soy sauce stain.

The straps of the apron fell as if to purposefully frame his ass.

Fucking shit.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6184306     You Know The Fic by Akumeoi    28k, canon-AU, Genos/Saitama, slow burn, sex robots, 

Saitama rescues a robot who turns out to be a pirated sex-robot. Then it falls in love with him. This is not what he needed in his life. (Or maybe it was.) Disclaimer: This is not your average smut fic. Come for the smut, get hooked by the comedy, stay for the feels. Trust me.

contains no actual pirates

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/6353875     Cleaning Up by Guardian    3k, Genos/Saitama, somnophilia, dub-con, bathing, masturbation, 

All Saitama can feel is Genos's bare skin against his own, their bodies pressed together from head to toe. And it feels overwhelmingly good. Warm. Perfect.

It's the most awful thing that's ever happened to him.

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7702978      Blood on the Ice by toastycyborg      73k, AU, Genos/Saitama, slow burn, mild gore, violence, 

Dragons have returned to Skyrim, but the hero of legend is nowhere to be found. There were stories, three years ago, of his emergence and incredible strength - until, one day, he disappeared. The dragons remain, and now there are only rumours - rumours that the Dragonborn hides from his destiny, that he became a nomad to live in peace and anonymity. There are also rumours of a traveller, a powerful fire mage and conjurer who came to Skyrim in search of revenge.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/7568863    Outdated Technology by Hyenabutter (Koryos)    13k, Saitama/Genos, masturbation, 

Genos attempts to masturbate for the first time in four years. Saitama is there.

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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8055745      No Hard Feelings, Right? by Hot_Stuff, OldBeginningNewEnding    7k, Saitama/Genos, erectile dysfunction, fingering, first time, smut, 

“Well— I just….” Another deep breath. “...I just can’t…do it.”

“Date a man?” Genos’s heart deflated at the prospect, hoping his sensei would make this rejection quick and painless. “…A cyborg, none the less?”

“Wha— NO! I mean…Oh fuck, listen, Genos. I’m just going to say this once. I like you— a lot actually…but I just.” His sensei took a last deep breath calming his nerves while Genos’s core stood still.

“I just can’t get it up, okay?”

.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7515340     Extra Ordinary by choked_cherry     14k, Saitama/Genos, body worship, masturbation, frottage, minor voyeurism, 

Saitama and Genos have been living together for a year, and have discovered an easy, comfortable dynamic between the two of them until Saitama catches Genos doing something out of the ordinary.

.

Need more? Check out the other editions!

#notdead recs #rec list

[whorchataaa]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

from https://ift.tt/2N5vlAl Check out https://peterlegyel.wordpress.com/

[ashley-unicorn]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

from https://ift.tt/2N5vlAl Check out https://daniejadkins.wordpress.com/

[brentrogers]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects syndicated from

[positivepsychologyinterventions]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2N5vlAl via IFTTT

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[erraticfairy]

Wait, Other People Don’t Think about Suicide?

The most startling thing I’ve heard in my life is that not everyone thinks about suicide every day. Or now and then. Or even once in a long while.

Can that be?

I heard this from a co-worker a while ago. We were collaborating on a dreary project, and I joked about it being the kind of work that makes you want to kill yourself and what a relief that would be.

“I know, right?” I expected her to say. Instead, she chuckled uncomfortably, then asked if I really thought that way. When I said yes, she was taken aback and a little disbelieving.

“You never have?” I asked.

“Of course not!”

I was taken aback. And a little disbelieving.

Is it possible that someone who has trod life’s hard ground for 40-plus years has never felt pain, loss, despair, failure, or disconnection sufficient even to have considered hastening the inevitable?

Apparently so. Who knew?

Not I. Not a day has gone by in the past 50 years in which I haven’t given some thought to hastening my own inevitable. It’s usually just a fleeting mental image, one item in the endless river of junk thoughts that flow through my mind at any given moment, along with looking both ways when crossing the street, an image of dinner and, as always, sex. At times it’s escalated to rumination, and a few times rumination has given way to war gaming some key details: method; logistics; review of life insurance policy for a suicide exclusion; impact on survivors.

And that’s where it ends. You just can’t saddle your kids with that. At best, it would cloud the rest of their lives. At worst, it would give them their own ideas.

Goddamn kids.

How Absurd

Suicide is often examined as a philosophical question as to whether life has enough meaning to continue living it, the underlying presumption being that life is filled with suffering. In the essay “The Myth of Sisyphus,” the French writer Albert Camus compared life with the pointless toil of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll back down in an eternal cycle with no prospect of relief. It’s the punishment Zeus imposed on Sisyphus, the sneaky king of Corinth who twice cheated death.

That’s life, Camus says: an absurdity with no meaning beyond what we contrive through two forms of denial: religious faith in a better beyond, or hope that tomorrow, at least, will be better than today.

He dramatizes this thinking in his novel “The Plague,” an apt read these days. In it, he likens the absurdity of life to a pandemic that comes out of nowhere and randomly plows through the population of a town, forcing people to confront their isolation “alone under the vast indifference of the sky.”

The only authentic response, he says, is to embrace the absurdity of existence with the sense of freedom that comes from understanding what life really is and a defiant refusal to rationalize the truth away. Forget hope and faith; be “content to live only for the day.”

Camus was killed in a motorcycle accident at age 47. How absurd.

Suicide at 7

When I ponder the Great Question, I don’t set out to calculate meaning. Rather, thought follows feeling. The trigger can be a sense of disconnection; a reminder of loss; personal failure; intolerable guilt; memory; the way the sunlight hits a building or the street; the smell of the air. At bottom is a certainty that the feeling, being the ultimate truth, will also be permanent.

Evidently not everyone thinks suicide is a reasonable response to despair. But a lot of us do. According to a 2017 survey by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 4.3% of adults 18 and older in the United States had suicidal thoughts.

It seems the lonely aren’t so alone.

My most useful insight into understanding, and thus managing, these thoughts was to view them as a habit of mind, which I traced to a moment in fourth grade when I learned that a classmate from a couple of years earlier had hanged himself. I remember that even at age seven, he was an aloof, disconnected outsider and that he had a crush on the teacher. Today, he’d be diagnosed as on the autism spectrum. To me, at nine, he was a kid I knew who killed himself. I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

A few years ago, I asked my father if he had ever thought about suicide.

“Never.”

I was taken aback, and a little disbelieving, given how discontented, volatile and unsettled he always seemed when I was growing up. He was the picture of unhappiness. In the same conversation, he revealed, without irony, that his mother had tried to kill herself when he was young.

Oh! Nice to know.

More recently, an older brother died earlier this year at 60, after an adulthood plagued by medical traumas and loneliness topped off by a car accident that left him partly disabled. Some people meet disability and pain with defiance and grit. Not my brother. He didn’t kill himself, but he talked about it often. When his final spiral came, we suspected that, instead of fighting, he submitted. In going through his things later, I found a one-sentence entry on his tablet: “Suicide by fentanyl.”

Cultivating a Better Head

Unhappy thinking can be seductive as well as habitual, and suicidal thinking can be an emotional safety valve. I do believe there’s an element of volition in equanimity, and perhaps in actual happiness. Discoveries in brain science confirm what the Buddha knew 2,500 years ago: that mind precedes experience, or, today, that “neurons that fire together wire together.”

Seems plausible. So I try to be positive, or at least not negative. I tend to my physical well-being. I work hard at making connections with people and engaging in activities that I enjoy. I try new things. I empathize with people. I meditate, which helps me spot, release and redirect negative thoughts. And I take medication, without which none of the other steps could happen.

Most of all, I try to be productive in my creative work, which can be a portal to flow and to living in the present moment, and to purpose. The hero of “The Plague” is a doctor who, despite the futility of his medical ministrations, insists on making his rounds and lancing buboes. It’s just a cruel irony that for someone so in need of connection and, I admit, validation, I’ve chosen the most isolating and rejection-prone work: writing. Oh, well. That’s my boulder.

I doubt I’ll ever not occasionally think about suicide, in part because it’s such a tenacious habit and in part because of whatever combination of brain structure and experience has shaped my thinking. But I’ve made it this far, so something is working. And as I write this, I seem to understand my path a little more clearly. Plus, the goddamn kids.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2KIT888 via theshiningmind.com

#World of Psychology #child psychology

[annoshkii]

Hades

**Unedited**

Chapter 2

The sun was rapidly setting as Layla hurriedly marched home. She hadn’t meant to stay in the reservoir that long. But after awhile she had fallen asleep, only woken up when squirrel had run over her. Grabbing hold of her back pack straps she tried to keep it from bouncing around as she ran down the side walk. Street lights were starting to flicker on, casting feeble light on the roads. Up ahead there was a short cut that would get her home a couple minutes sooner. Layla turned and ducked down the small alley way that cut behind the drug store. She was almost to the end of it when someone stuck their foot out and sent her tumbling to the ground. Layla groaned and pushed herself up. Her bag had popped open and her books had gone flying. Three boys where laughing behind her. Layla ignored them and tried to collect her books as quickly as possible. But they were quicker, snatching her books and holding them high out of her reach.

“Give them back!” Layla yelled, jumping up trying to grab her math text book from one of them. To her horror one of the boys had grabbed her sketch book and was rifling through the pages, occasionally tearing them off.

“Look at this crap, how can someone be this bad at everything?” All three of the boys started howling with laughter. The one holding the sketch book kept going through, ripping out pages, crumpling them up and stomping on them.

“Stop it!” Layla cried. But they weren’t listening to her. Every time she got close to getting it back they would turn and push her away. She resorted to trying to beat the books out of their hands but she was not strong enough to take on all three of them. The boys laughed as they easily pushed away her attacks.

Layla fell on the ground again, tears streaking down her cheeks. From behind her there was a menacing growl that echoed through the alley. All four of them turned to see a dog black as night stalking towards them. The boys exchanged nervous looks as the dog growled again. His teeth bared, the dog stopped in front of Layla and glared at the boys. When no one moved it let out a thundering bark and lunged at the boys. All three of them screamed. Dropping Laylas books to the ground they turned and ran the other way. Once they had rounded the turn corner and where out of sight, the dog turned back to Layla, wagging it’s tail sadly. Cerberus’s gold flecked eyes looks sad as he approached Layla, sat down and whined.

“Good boy.” Layla reached over and hugged the dogs wide head. His tail thumped on the ground and he began licking the tears off Laylas face. Taking a deep breath Layla collected her books and papers and stuffed them back in her broken bag. She took extra care picking up the torn pages of her sketch book. She would carefully unfold them at home.

Crap! She was really going to be late now.

“I don’t have anything for you this time bud, sorry.” But Cerberus didn’t seem to mind. He sat and waited as Layla finished repacking her bag. Unfortunately the zipper had torn so she couldn’t properly close anymore. Groaning Sarah slung the bag carefully over her shoulders and started walking again. Cerberus immediately fell into step beside her. He wagged his tail happily and occasionally barked at random shadows.

Oh boy Layla was going to be in for it when she got home. Not only was it late but she was bringing a stray home with her.

All the street lights were on now. Moths were buzzing around bumping into the lamps. All was silent except for the buzz of insects. Cerberus was still walking beside Layla like a docile little puppy. Maybe she could keep him in the back yard until she figured out who he belonged to. Rounding the turn she saw that the front porch lights were on. Taking a deep breath Layla plunged on, this was not going to be pleasant. Jogging across the street with Cerberus at her heel Layla opened the gate to the back yard as quietly as possible, holding it open so Cerberus could scoot in. After digging through a discarded pile of garden supplies, Layla found a plastic container that would double as a water bowl. Giving it a quick rinse she filled it with water and set it down for the dog. He lapped at it noisily while Layla stroked his head.

“I’ll try and sneak you some food out in a bit. I think we have some leftover chicken in the fridge. Does that sound good?” Cerberus gave Layla another slobbery kiss. She smiled and returned the favour by planting a kiss on the top of his wide head. “Thanks for saving me today.”

Gathering her bag Layla snuck over to the back door. Casting one more look over at Cerberus she saw that he was watching her go with a sad expression on his face. Layla smiled at him one more time before slipping inside. Hastily she kicked off her shoes and sped into the house. Maybe she could pretend to have been in her room the whole time. No such luck. Layla made it halfway through the dining room before a creaky floor board gave her away.

“Layla Winona Dover where have you been?” Her mom appeared in the doorway leading to the kitchen. She looked furious, arms crossed and glaring at Layla.

“I was out.” Layla replied lamely.

“It’s nearly eight o’clock!”

“I lost track of time.” But her mom was not convinced.

“You could have called, we were worried sick. What happened to you? You’re filthy.” Layla looked down. Her jeans had torn open when she had fallen and her knees where all scrapped up. No doubt she also had some leaves and twigs in her hair from falling asleep on the ground. Leaning to look around her mom she saw Todd sitting at the counter staring at his phone. He didn’t look the least bit concerned.

“I fell down. Sorry I didn’t call.”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately. You leave the house dressed in rags looking like a hippie. I got another call from the school today saying you got detention again. Plus the guidance counsellor called again. You stay out late. Are you...” Her mom glanced nervously over shoulder before dropping her voice to a stage whisper. “Are you doing drugs? Drinking behind our backs? Hanging out with… with the wrong crowd?”

“God mom!” Layla said in an exasperated voice. “I went to the reservoir to sketch and I lost track of time. I’m not doing drugs!”

“Well I don’t know anymore.” Her mom said defensively. “You never tell me anything. The counsellor says you never hang out with your peers. You know, Lillian has a daughter, Kourtney, that is your age, maybe I could arrange for her to come over and the two of you could hang out. She just found out that Kourtney became captain of the cheerleading squad at school.”

Layla just rolled her eyes. She knew exactly who Kourtney was and she hated her. Kourtney was small, blonde, and super popular. Layla would sooner saw off her left hand than spend a minute with her.

“Mom I don’t need you setting up play dates for me. I’m not eight and I’m not lonely.” Layla turned and stormed off to her room. Her mom called after her saying she had saved some food, but Layla was not hungry. She was furious. A lot of people at school assumed that she did drink or do drugs and it drove Layla crazy. Especially when she would walk past huddled groups of kids at school passing around a small flask. After watching Henry abuse both for years she had sworn to never touch either in her life.

And that stupid guidance counsellor, Mrs. Fenchem, was a fraud. She was one of the most apathetic people Layla had ever met. She had only been face to face with her once right after she had transferred to Shady Oak. Mrs. Fenchem had handed Layla a schedule and a map of the school and left her to fend for herself.

Layla paced her room angrily until the emotion faded and she was just tired. Flopping down on her bed she dumped all her books out. Grabbing the abused sketch book she carefully laid it open. Frayed edges stuck out of the spine where pages had been ripped out. Layla spent the next hour gently unfurling each page and flattening it before carefully placing it back in the book. Most were torn and covered in mud now, but Layla put them back in their proper place anyway. Finally closing the sketch book with extreme caution she placed it on top of her dresser. Casting a disdainful look at the text books strewn across the her bed. She should probably do at least some homework.  

With much resignation Layla pulled out her note book and opened her history book. The small piece of paper fell out. Flipping open her computer she typed Hades into the search. Clicking on the first link that appeared she sighed and began to read.

Hades, the god of the underworld, was the first-born son of the Titans Kronos and Rhea. He had three older sisters, Hestia, Demeter, and Hera, as well as a younger brother, Poseidon, all of whom had been swallowed whole by their father as soon as they were born. Zeus was the youngest child and through the machinations of their mother, Rhea, he was the only one that had escaped this fate. Upon reaching adulthood, Zeus managed to force his father to disgorge his siblings

Gross. Layla knew the myth well but even still. The idea that a father would swallow his children whole was revolting and it made no sense. How had he been able to fit all of them in his stomach? How had he not died from a bowel obstruction? Had his stomach just grown in size as the ones inside grew up? It was ten kinds of screwed up. But Layla kept reading.

. After their release, the six younger gods, along with allies they managed to gather, challenged the elder gods for power. The war lasted for ten years and ended with the victory of the younger gods. Following their victory, Hades and his two brothers, Poseidon and Zeus, drew lots for realms to rule. Zeus received the sky, Poseidon received the seas, and Hades received the underworld, the unseen realm to which the souls of the dead go upon leaving the world as well as any and all things beneath the earth. Some myths suggest that Hades was dissatisfied with his turnout, but had no choice and moved to his new realm. He is usually depicted in art with his three headed dog Cerberus, the guardian of the gates of the Underworld.

Layla craned her neck to look out her window. It had a view onto the back yard. It was so dark out now that she couldn’t see the black dog sleeping underneath the deck stairs. So the person who owned him must be a Greek myth nut. Still, Layla thought it was a fitting name for the dog. A little obnoxious maybe, but fitting. She felt kind of bad for Hades. He was the black sheep in the family, practically banished to live among dead people.

Reading on Layla learned that he had abducted his wife Persephone and then tricked her into staying in the underworld with him for part of the year. But other than that he seemed like he actually loved her and treated her well. Especially compared to Zeus, who was constantly chasing after other women and ignoring his wife Hera, he was practically the golden standard for being a good husband.

The more Layla read the more she began to sympathize with Hades. He got a bad rap for being the god of the underworld, most people labelled him as evil but that was just one dimensional and not the whole truth. Sure he was cold and impassive. But t was his job to oversee the afterlife and ensure that no souls escaped him. Not exactly the job for a cheery Walmart greeter. And there were times when he was merciful, okay just once, but still. He was just trying to do his job. His job that absolutely sucked. And his whole thing wasn’t just death and misery, he was ruler of all that was under the earth, that meant jewels, diamonds, and gold all at his finger tips. Layla conjured an image in her head of Hades lounging on a throne of pure gold, studded with rubies and diamonds the size of apples, wearing a crown of bones flipping off all the other gods. She couldn’t help but giggle a bit , it was ridiculous.

Satisfied that her report was sufficient, Layla shoved it back in her bag. Yawning wide she glanced over at her alarm clock. It was almost eleven o’clock. Getting to her feet, Layla shuffled into the bathroom to shower. After remerging and changing into her pajamas cleared her bed of all books and collapsed onto of the sheets. A loud grumble from her stomach broke the silence. Now she was hungry and with a jolt of realization she remember that Cerberus was probably hungry as well. Climbing back out of bed she quietly opened her door and peaked out. Slipping out she tip toed down the hallway. She could hear the tv running in the living room. Todd was probably watching the evening news as usual. As long as her mom wasn’t there she could sneak some food out. Todd usual just chose to ignore Laylas existence which worked fine for her.

Sure enough, when Layla reached the base of the stairs she saw Todd wearing lounge clothes, sitting in front of the tv listening to the financial report. He didn’t move his head as Layla stalked past him into the kitchen. Pulling open the fridge she grabbed a plate of leftover chicken, rice, and broccoli. Tearing off the plastic wrap she made her way to the back door. She walked to the bottom of the stairs and sat down.

“Cerberus?” Layla called out tentatively. There was a shuffling and low woof as Cerberus wiggled from out under the stairs. Layla could barely see him, she could just make out where he was by the glint of moonlight on his coat. He sat down beside her and stared up at her with his big golden eyes. Layla tore off strips of chicken and fed them to Cerberus who ate them gently off her hand. She saved a couple pieces for herself and ate most of the rice and broccoli before letting Cerberus lick the plate clean. When he was satisfied that he had eaten every last morsel of food he lay his heavy head in Laylas lap and dozed off while she scratched his ear.

Layla silently hoped that no one came asking for the dog. She knew that she couldn’t hide him out here forever. It would be a challenge to get her mom to let her keep him. Cerberus gently huffed and sighed in her lap. Layla felt around for his collar and twisted it so she could read the tag again.

Cerberus, with the picture of a spartan plume helmet on the back.

Layla just shrugged. It was their own stupid fault for putting the helmet instead of an actual phone number. This person must be a die hard history geek. Layla planted one last kiss on top of Cerberus’s head before getting up and going to bed.

Miles away Hades stepped into the living world for the first time in almost three hundred years. He had left his ministers with strict instructions on how to govern the underworld in his absence. Ti was in command of Hades legion of the undead to guard the exits. Thanatos would be sending regular updates on the status of everything. Persephone had wished him luck when he left, a suppressed glee in her eyes. Hades was dreading what the state of his palace would be when he returned.

There were many entrances to the living world from his kingdom. Some were better known than others. The most popular of which was Charon’s Ferry. Others where more inconspicuous, small portals that opened at different points each time. Only Hades or a child of his could control one, bending it to their will.

In this instance he had stepped out of the ground near a brightly light drug store. Closing his eyes he concentrated on catching any sign of Cerberuses scent. Every creature had a distinct scent. The more powerful the creature, the stronger the scent. Hades knew that his aura would attract a lot of attention.

Cerberus had a sharp minty scent, Hades recognized it immediately. Opening his eyes again he began walking, following the trail. As he passed by the store front he caught a glimpse of his reflection. He was still dressed in his billowy, black robes. The faces of the damned  swirling beneath the fabric making it look like smoke. This would not do, he had to blend in.

Behind him a bell jingled and Hades watched as a man and a woman walked out of the store together. The man was dressed in jeans, boots, and a jacket. Hades studies him for a moment longer, watching as the man held open the door for the woman.

A cold trickle ran down his skin and when he looked at his reflection again it had changed. Hades now wore black pants, boots, t-shirt, and a bomber jacket over top. His long black hair was neatly hanging around his shoulders. Satisfied he walked off following the trail to his beloved monster.

 Layla was awoken by her blaring alarm clock the next morning. Fumbling around she hit it until it went silent. Laying quietly for a couple more minutes, Layla groaned and rolled herself out of bed. The events of yesterday seemed a bit surreal. She hadn’t really brought a big black dog home, had she?

Layla got her answer as she was finishing brushing her teeth. Downstairs she heard a plate shatter and her mom scream.

“Layla! Layla get down here right now!” Turns out she had. Pulling her hair back in a pony tail she grabbed her bag and headed downstairs, stuffing her arms through a sweater as she went. Her mom was in the kitchen staring out the window clutching her heart. Todd was beside her trying to calm her down, he glared at Layla when she entered the room. One look out the window and she knew why. Cerberus was standing on his hind legs, massive front paws pressed against the window looking in. He looked like a huge bear, but he perked up and barked when he saw Layla. This only made her mother jump.

“What’s up?” Layla said nonchalantly as she put down her bag. Acting as if seeing a monster dog like that was a normal occurrence.

“Where did this… this beast come from?” Her mother spluttered.

“He followed me home last night. I didn’t want him to wander the streets and get hit by a car so I put him in the back yard.”

“That is a killer dog! He can not stay here. What would the neighbours say?”

“He’s not!” Layla said defensively. “Cerberus is really sweet and gentle and he saved me from some bullies last night.”

Cerberus barked again and it echoed in that strange way. A large line of drool was dripping out of his mouth. Layla’s mom jumped again and cast a fearful look at him. It was Todd who spoke up next.

“That is not our dog. Someone is probably worried sick looking for him. Check his collar for a tag.”

“I did.” Layla couldn’t remember the last time that Todd had spoken to her. It was a weird feeling. “There is not phone number on it.”

“Then take him to the pound. The owners can collect him there.”

“But I want to keep him. At least until I find his owner.” Layla was aware that she sounded like a whiny child but she didn’t care. If she dropped Cerberus off at the pound he would sit in a cage forever. No one would adopt a dog like him because they would assume he was vicious. And Layla didn’t want to think about what the pound would do to a vicious dog.

“Please mom?”

Her mom cast another look at Cerberus outside. He was watching the conversation with his head slightly cocked.

“Fine.” She conceded.

“Amanda no.” Todd said firmly.

“On a one condition.” Her mom said more firmly. “You have to take care of him and he does not come into the house. Is that clear?”

Layla nodded, grinning. She felt happier than she had in awhile as he bit into her toast. Todd kept throwing looks at Layla over his tablet, but she didn’t care. Cerberus was not going anywhere and her mom would come around eventually and realise that he was actually a big softie. Grabbing some lunch and more leftover chicken Layla bounced out the back door. Cerberus woofed happily when she closed the door. He bounded towards her, his tail wagging madly as he tried to kiss her face.

“Hi boy it’s nice to see you too.” After managing to push him off, Cerberus sat down and waited for the food. Layla threw the chicken to Cerberus and he snapped it up and swallowed it whole. Licking his lips he looked at her expecting more.

“That’s it for now. I’ll buy you some real food on my way home.” Layla bent down and gave Cerberus a hug. After checking that he had water, she waved good bye and headed off to school. Cerberus stood by the gate, his tail drooped. After awhile he returned to his new favourite spot underneath the back stairs. He was nearly asleep when the back door opened again. He instantly perked up, hoping it was Layla. But instead it was Todd. Cerberus eyed him warily and growled, not moving from his spot. Todd looked at him with contempt. Turning his back he walked over to the gate and opened it. After checking that Layla was nowhere nearby he walked over to the garden shed and grabbed a broom.

“Go on, shoo!” He walked to the opposite side of the stairs and started hitting Cerberus with the handle of the broom. Cerberus growled louder but move grudgingly from his spot.

“Shoo!” Todd waved the broom wildly over his head. Cerberus was not the least bit perturbed by this, but he ran through the open gate nonetheless.

#modern au #Hades #Cerberus #Greek Mythology #Light angst #cerberus is a lil bean

[seniorbrief]

Everyone Praises the Healing Power of This Drug—but Many Don’t Realize the Damaging Effect It Has on Teens

Maren Caruso/Offset (leaves); Kichigin/Shutterstock (head); Sergejs Makarovs/Shutterstock (leaf).

These days, it’s decidedly uncool to criticize marijuana and the rush toward legalization. So far, 30 states and the District of Columbia allow medical marijuana, while nine states and DC permit recreational use. Sixty-one percent of Americans say they believe the drug should be legal, according to a recent Pew Research Center survey.

But underscoring this incredible momentum for legalization is the misconception that marijuana can’t hurt anybody. It can—especially young people. The myth that cannabis, another name for the plant, is not habit-forming is constantly challenged by physicians. “There’s no question at all that marijuana is addictive,” Sharon Levy, MD, tells me. She is the director of the Adolescent Substance Abuse Program at Boston Children’s Hospital, one of a few programs designed to preemptively identify substance-use problems in teens. Anyone can get hooked, but about one of every six teens who smoke marijuana will become addicted, research shows. These are the silent signs your teen is struggling with a drug addiction.

One of Dr. Levy’s patients was an 18-year-old who started smoking pot several times a day in tenth grade. She dropped out of high school, was fired from several jobs, and stole money from her parents. “She and her family were at their wits’ end trying to find appropriate treatment in a health-care system that doesn’t consider addiction to marijuana a serious problem,” Dr. Levy says. “We are simply not prepared for the fallout of marijuana legalization.”

Yet we don’t hear this perspective very often. Why not? “People strongly defend marijuana because they don’t want legalization to be derailed,” says Jodi Gilman, PhD, an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School with the Center for Addiction Medicine. Big money is at stake. All told, the states that have legalized the drug raked in an estimated $1 billion in taxes for 2017. A recent study projected that if marijuana were legal in all 50 states, it would produce $46 billion in federal sales tax revenue and more than one million jobs by 2025.

Last year, teen marijuana use went up significantly for the first time in seven years, according to a large annual study conducted by the University of Michigan. The latest National Survey on Drug Use and Health, completed in 2016, also showed an increase, while tobacco and alcohol use continued to decrease.

“If you go into a high school and ask the classroom, ‘Are cigarettes harmful? Is alcohol harmful?’ every kid raises their hand,” Gilman says. “But if I ask, ‘Is marijuana harmful?’ not a hand goes up.” In fact, more than half of tenth and 12th graders say they believe pot isn’t dangerous, according to a report from the Rand Corporation, a nonpartisan research organization. “That is an unintended consequence of legalization,” Pam Luna, a Rand consultant, told NPR. Or maybe it is intended. Pot proponents often argue that one reason to legalize the drug is so its dosage and potency can be regulated.

You might compare public perception now to the way people used to feel about tobacco. In the 1950s, nearly half of Americans smoked tobacco. Meanwhile, the big tobacco companies aggressively used their lobbying power to deceive the public about the harms of smoking and to forestall regulation by the Food and Drug Administration. Of course, now we know that tobacco causes cancer, heart disease, and other health problems, and cigarette packaging carries mandatory warnings.

Courtesy Jodi Gilman, PhD

To bring balance to a narrative driven by pro-legalization campaigns, Gilman and others are interested in leveraging data to show pot’s real effects. In 2014, Gilman published research on 18-to-25-year-olds that showed differences in the brain’s reward system between users and nonusers. Teens who smoked marijuana had significant abnormalities in the areas of the brain linked to emotion, motivation, and decision-making (see diagram above). “I got a lot of hate mail after that,” she says.

In another study, Gilman found that teens who smoked marijuana daily showed long-term memory loss in adulthood—even years after they’d stopped. Heavy use can result in a loss of six IQ points, about the same dip that lead poisoning causes, according to the American Psychological Association. In other studies, the brains of young adult pot smokers have shown deterioration in the language areas, with more verbal memory decline among those who started at the youngest ages. Learn the real reason even smart teenagers tend to do dumb things.

The key ingredient in marijuana, tetra­hydrocannabinol (THC), attaches to brain receptors that modulate healthy behaviors such as eating, learning, and forming relationships. Over time, THC rewires this whole cognitive system, throwing off its finely tuned balance. Early evidence in mice has shown that repeated exposure to THC causes these receptors to disappear altogether.

The results can be lasting and detrimental. Teens who frequently smoked pot, especially young men, were less likely to hold full-time jobs as adults, get married, or finish their education, a University of Connecticut study found. Young adults are three times more likely than others to drive under the influence of cannabis, which is the illicit drug most often detected in crashes (often combined with alcohol). Numerous studies have shown that its use impairs driving and increases the risk of a crash. Since the drug was legalized in Colorado, related visits to emergency rooms and urgent care centers have increased almost threefold among those under 21.

It’s worth bearing in mind that it was science that eventually curtailed the power of Big Tobacco and prevented nearly 800,000 cancer deaths in the United States between 1975 and 2000. As marijuana marches toward the same legal status as cigarettes, its potential hazards will require equal attention by science. (The National Institutes of Health is beginning a ten-year study of the effects of alcohol and drugs, as well as screen time, nutrition, and exercise, on the adolescent brain. So far, more than 7,600 adolescents have enrolled.)

The argument here isn’t whether marijuana should be legal. There are champions on either side of that debate. Instead, should the drug become widely available, it’s to our detriment to blindly consider legalization a victory. We must be cautious when societal shifts can affect health, especially among our most vulnerable. Next, learn the secrets addiction counselors wish you knew.

Joe McKendry for Reader’s DigestSushrut Jangi, MD, is an internist and instructor in medicine at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston.

Original Source -> Everyone Praises the Healing Power of This Drug—but Many Don’t Realize the Damaging Effect It Has on Teens

source https://www.seniorbrief.com/everyone-praises-the-healing-power-of-this-drug-but-many-dont-realize-the-damaging-effect-it-has-on-teens/

#seniorbrief #seniors

[teachanarchy]

Erin, a suburban Minneapolis teenager, began to grapple with serious depression and anxiety in the seventh grade. By ninth grade she was cutting herself dangerously, and she spent several weeks in residential treatment. But facing hostility at school proved to be the hardest part of her struggle.

After word of her illness spread, “I lost friends rapidly,” Erin says. A barrage of verbal attacks marred her days. “I was called crazy, and kids said, ‘Why did you come back anyway? Nobody likes you. Why don’t you kill yourself? You’d be better off dead.’”

“It made me feel a lot worse and made me not want to go to school,” Erin recalls. When teachers heard the taunts, “they turned around and acted like nothing was said.” Her mother sought help from school staff but says she was rebuffed. The taunts prompted a downward spiral in Erin’s life that ended with her return to residential care. Rather than attempt to return to her school, Erin finished high school online.

Erin's experience of social rejection at school is quite common, suggests research on teenagers with mental health problems. In one study, nearly two-thirds of teens coping with mental illness reported stigma from their peers. In another study at four middle schools, just half of students said they’d be willing to sit next to a classmate with mental illness. Although hurtful stigma is only one of myriad challenges faced by teens with mental health issues, it is an area where classroom teachers can provide immediate assistance.

Adolescence is a uniquely painful time to confront mental health challenges, experts say. “There’s a great push toward peer conformity, and being different in any way is perceived as a negative; it carries a stigma,” says Joseph Allen, director of the Virginia Adolescent Research Group at the University of Virginia.

“Normalizing” challenges with mental health is the key to reducing stigma among teens, Allen says. “If they see that ‘Whoa, this is not so uncommon,’ they can feel better about dealing with their own problems and others that have them.”

A study conducted by the Adolescent Communication Institute at The Annenberg Public Policy Center showed that discovering that people can be successfully treated for mental disorders also curbed negative stereotypes. “You have to give kids facts that counter their stereotypes, and then many are open to change,” says the study’s leader, Dan Romer.

Wendy Sunderlin, who teaches life skills classes at St. Paul’s School for Girls in Brooklandville, Md., hands out a needs-assessment survey at the start of the year to find out what students would like to learn about improving mental well-being. She uses this survey to steer her teaching. And she gently evokes personal disclosure. “I have them sit in a circle, and I ask something like, ‘How many of you have been affected by depression?’ A surprising number seem to raise their hands, and right away it takes away the ‘I am alone’ shame that kids feel.”  

Sunderlin also assigns students a final project about a health topic of their choice—they often select a mental health issue. Her students have built informative websites on mental illness topics that remain live after the end of the school year to continue educating the entire school community. Students have created posters and paintings titled, “This Is What Anxiety Looks Like,” and they’ve written poems about mental illness. “Their number one concern is how they’re viewed by their peers, and their number one influence is their peers. So I have them use what they’ve learned in my class to educate one another,” Sunderlin says.

At Commack High School on Long Island, N.Y., teachers decide on a schoolwide theme around a social or emotional issue every year. Often it has been a mental illness topic, such as depression, says school psychologist John Kelly. That theme is then carried out across the curriculum. English and social studies teachers incorporate the topic into their curriculum. There are plays, dance concerts and spoken- word performances. Photography students take pictures keyed to the theme. Physical education teachers may discuss athletes with mental health issues.

“Whole classes are working on this; we’re talking about it a lot. And we find it gives kids permission to express their own struggles. It breaks down the shame and fear,” says Kelly.

The credibility of slightly older classmates has proven a powerful stigma-fighting tool for Kelly Iacobucci, who teaches a ninth-grade health class at Bishop O’Connell High School in Arlington, Va. Once, an 11th-grader who was a survivor of sexual abuse volunteered to visit Iacobucci’s class.

The volunteer discussed her challenges with body image and self-esteem. “It was amazing to see how [the students] opened up and shared after she came in,” says Iacobucci. One girl disclosed that she was receiving therapy for an anxiety disorder that impels her to pull out her hair. “Suddenly, another girl across the room said, ‘Oh my goodness, I have the same thing!’ It was mind-boggling, and I said, ‘See, if we shared more often we could support each other,’ and I think they got it. I tell them, ‘All of us have problems, none of us are perfect, so leave your masks at the door.’”

Alex Winninghoff, formerly an English teacher at Federal Way High school in Federal Way, Wash., posts colorful infographics on her walls to show that illnesses such as depression and anxiety are common in young people. “That communicates I’m available to discuss these issues with them—and they do come to me,” says Winninghoff.  

Like Sunderlin, Winninghoff distributes an interest survey as the semester starts to help her get to know students better and develop personal relationships with them. If a student looks down, she’ll put a sticky note on his desk that says “I’d like to chat with you after class,” and then she gently asks about what’s going on. Self-stigma around mental health problems can prevent kids from getting care, she says. “I’ve had them burst into tears and tell me about something they need help with and have been too ashamed to tell anyone.”

Monitoring strategies also can help educators identify any stigma at their school before it can cause students harm. For example, at Bishop O’Connell, students deemed to be at risk are matched with compatible teacher-mentors who frequently check in to make sure the students are faring OK. Among those mentored are students returning from residential care for mental illness, says Erin O’Malley, the dean of faculty. When harassment is identified early on, it can be dealt with before it escalates.

Kids with mental illness often long for help; they want to overcome their own shame and to not be teased about their problems, teachers say. “But they don’t want you to label them or point to this as a terrible deficiency,” adds Winninghoff.

Even one teacher can make a huge difference.   Katie Williams, 21, knows that for sure. She had fought serious obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression since age 10, and by 11th grade was hiding her condition to avoid rejection. But Williams’ history teacher talked to Williams about her strengths.

“Nobody had ever done that before,” says Williams. “She told me I was so compassionate because I’d experienced so much stigma. I could help others. She asked me to become a tutor for kids who were the first in their family to try for college, and I did it. She kept saying, ‘Your illness is not you, it’s just a part of you.’ …  Really, she helped me to stop stigmatizing myself, and that made all the difference.”

Her history teacher’s support prompted Williams to disclose her illness to classmates, who were mostly accepting, “and those that weren’t, they just dropped out of the picture for me,” says Williams. Her grades shot up, and now Williams is a senior at California State University, Sacramento, where she speaks to college-level classes to reduce stigma around mental illness.  

“That teacher changed the course of my life,” Williams says. “She’s the reason I made it to college and am doing so well now.”

Start a Discussion Jumpstart class conversations about stigma by discussing Senate Bill 195: Mental Health in Schools Act of 2013. govtrack.us/congress/bills/113/s195

MYTHS vs. FACTS ON MENTAL ILLNESS MYTH Mental health problems are rare in childhood and adolescence.

FACT About one out of five U.S. children has a diagnosable mental disorder in any given year. Half of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by age 14.

MYTH Very few students become so troubled that they think about committing suicide.

FACT About one out of six high school students say they have seriously thought about attempting suicide.

MYTH Males and females are about equally likely to become depressed.

FACT Before adolescence, rates are the same. From midadolescence through adulthood, depression is about twice as common in females as in males.

MYTH People with mental illness are often violent.

FACT Many people with mental disorders are not violent, and most violent acts are not committed by people who are mentally ill. Overall, they’re responsible for just 5 percent of violent crimes. Those with serious mental disorders are, however, far more likely than others to be victims of assault and rape.

Sources: National Alliance on Mental Illness, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Institute of Medicine of the National Academies, Mentalillnesspolicy.org

#mental health #ability #disability #psychology #anxiety #great depression

[brentrogers]

Wait, Other People Don’t Think about Suicide?

The most startling thing I’ve heard in my life is that not everyone thinks about suicide every day. Or now and then. Or even once in a long while.

Can that be?

I heard this from a co-worker a while ago. We were collaborating on a dreary project, and I joked about it being the kind of work that makes you want to kill yourself and what a relief that would be.

“I know, right?” I expected her to say. Instead, she chuckled uncomfortably, then asked if I really thought that way. When I said yes, she was taken aback and a little disbelieving.

“You never have?” I asked.

“Of course not!”

I was taken aback. And a little disbelieving.

Is it possible that someone who has trod life’s hard ground for 40-plus years has never felt pain, loss, despair, failure, or disconnection sufficient even to have considered hastening the inevitable?

Apparently so. Who knew?

Not I. Not a day has gone by in the past 50 years in which I haven’t given some thought to hastening my own inevitable. It’s usually just a fleeting mental image, one item in the endless river of junk thoughts that flow through my mind at any given moment, along with looking both ways when crossing the street, an image of dinner and, as always, sex. At times it’s escalated to rumination, and a few times rumination has given way to war gaming some key details: method; logistics; review of life insurance policy for a suicide exclusion; impact on survivors.

And that’s where it ends. You just can’t saddle your kids with that. At best, it would cloud the rest of their lives. At worst, it would give them their own ideas.

Goddamn kids.

How Absurd

Suicide is often examined as a philosophical question as to whether life has enough meaning to continue living it, the underlying presumption being that life is filled with suffering. In the essay “The Myth of Sisyphus,” the French writer Albert Camus compared life with the pointless toil of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll back down in an eternal cycle with no prospect of relief. It’s the punishment Zeus imposed on Sisyphus, the sneaky king of Corinth who twice cheated death.

That’s life, Camus says: an absurdity with no meaning beyond what we contrive through two forms of denial: religious faith in a better beyond, or hope that tomorrow, at least, will be better than today.

He dramatizes this thinking in his novel “The Plague,” an apt read these days. In it, he likens the absurdity of life to a pandemic that comes out of nowhere and randomly plows through the population of a town, forcing people to confront their isolation “alone under the vast indifference of the sky.”

The only authentic response, he says, is to embrace the absurdity of existence with the sense of freedom that comes from understanding what life really is and a defiant refusal to rationalize the truth away. Forget hope and faith; be “content to live only for the day.”

Camus was killed in a motorcycle accident at age 47. How absurd.

Suicide at 7

When I ponder the Great Question, I don’t set out to calculate meaning. Rather, thought follows feeling. The trigger can be a sense of disconnection; a reminder of loss; personal failure; intolerable guilt; memory; the way the sunlight hits a building or the street; the smell of the air. At bottom is a certainty that the feeling, being the ultimate truth, will also be permanent.

Evidently not everyone thinks suicide is a reasonable response to despair. But a lot of us do. According to a 2017 survey by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 4.3% of adults 18 and older in the United States had suicidal thoughts.

It seems the lonely aren’t so alone.

My most useful insight into understanding, and thus managing, these thoughts was to view them as a habit of mind, which I traced to a moment in fourth grade when I learned that a classmate from a couple of years earlier had hanged himself. I remember that even at age seven, he was an aloof, disconnected outsider and that he had a crush on the teacher. Today, he’d be diagnosed as on the autism spectrum. To me, at nine, he was a kid I knew who killed himself. I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

A few years ago, I asked my father if he had ever thought about suicide.

“Never.”

I was taken aback, and a little disbelieving, given how discontented, volatile and unsettled he always seemed when I was growing up. He was the picture of unhappiness. In the same conversation, he revealed, without irony, that his mother had tried to kill herself when he was young.

Oh! Nice to know.

More recently, an older brother died earlier this year at 60, after an adulthood plagued by medical traumas and loneliness topped off by a car accident that left him partly disabled. Some people meet disability and pain with defiance and grit. Not my brother. He didn’t kill himself, but he talked about it often. When his final spiral came, we suspected that, instead of fighting, he submitted. In going through his things later, I found a one-sentence entry on his tablet: “Suicide by fentanyl.”

Cultivating a Better Head

Unhappy thinking can be seductive as well as habitual, and suicidal thinking can be an emotional safety valve. I do believe there’s an element of volition in equanimity, and perhaps in actual happiness. Discoveries in brain science confirm what the Buddha knew 2,500 years ago: that mind precedes experience, or, today, that “neurons that fire together wire together.”

Seems plausible. So I try to be positive, or at least not negative. I tend to my physical well-being. I work hard at making connections with people and engaging in activities that I enjoy. I try new things. I empathize with people. I meditate, which helps me spot, release and redirect negative thoughts. And I take medication, without which none of the other steps could happen.

Most of all, I try to be productive in my creative work, which can be a portal to flow and to living in the present moment, and to purpose. The hero of “The Plague” is a doctor who, despite the futility of his medical ministrations, insists on making his rounds and lancing buboes. It’s just a cruel irony that for someone so in need of connection and, I admit, validation, I’ve chosen the most isolating and rejection-prone work: writing. Oh, well. That’s my boulder.

I doubt I’ll ever not occasionally think about suicide, in part because it’s such a tenacious habit and in part because of whatever combination of brain structure and experience has shaped my thinking. But I’ve made it this far, so something is working. And as I write this, I seem to understand my path a little more clearly. Plus, the goddamn kids.

Wait, Other People Don’t Think about Suicide? syndicated from