#but it was just more than I usually eat

[oatbugs]

last night i got home kind of tipsy and very much in tears and my mother told me the force you exert to keep someone in your life is proportional to the force with which they will leave your life. if you have to fight tooth and claw to keep them, their leaving will be just as hard, just as harsh, and just as definite.

#she said it like a law. its just momentum. #also she told me to get a therapist and start archery ASAP bc i need to get it together #and also she said even granting that this person u were in love w was So Special . as in hot motorcycle-riding iranian masc lesbian in ldn #they arent the only one on earth and that once i start my proper adult life outside of studies etc etc i will probably no longer live in th #UK. she said most non straight iranians u would like have left the country anyway . where do you think they went? theyre out there #and also she asked me to imagine how many hot gay iranians there may be in italy or amsterdam or smth and i was like ok points 😭 maybe #ur right. anyway i was having a feeling of dread bc crying into the arms of ur strict asian mother while buzzed usually results in #death chaos destruction etc in the next few days but actually i think maybe she has genuinely changed as a person and the fear is #unwarranted #anyway i need to eat breakfast and study w the date person i met yesterday #they are so nice ??? genuinely so so sweet i dont feel attracted to them at all omg i genuinely think i have a thing for hot evil ppl 😭 #but we could b besties . theyre a lot more romantic than the ex situationship person too like generally . ugh they should be perfect but #alas it appears i am shallow as fuck or potentially a lesbian actually #OH THEY MIGHT ALSO BE POTENTIALLY A LESBIAN BTW #i think i just tend to not date cis ppl entirely by accident #....feel free to rb if u want btw sorry for the rant

[harrowedsoup]

I love the Chef Gideon AU though.

Like…Love is stored in the basic bread and simple meals that Gideon carefully makes Harrow everyday. It’s the fact that Gideon spends just as long getting unseasoned foods just right as she does complex recipes, despite Harrow not truly enjoying food either way.

#the locked tomb #gideon nav #harrow nonagesimus #griddlehark #I love the idea of Gideon going on some show #and they ask her to make her wife’s favorite meal #and Gideon is like… you sure #she ends up making a unsweetened bread with a tiny bit of salt #a chicken breast with no seasonings #with a glass of room temperature water with a tiny bit of lemon #dessert is like wafers or something #and Gideon just stands there ‘…. I tried to tell you man. my wife doesn’t eat shit’ #‘this is actually more than she usually eats tbh’ #‘I’ve been making her drink ensures because she refuses to eat the gummy vitamins I got’

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

headcanon that scorpius was a sick child and was in and out of hospital constantly, perhaps related to astoria's blood curse but not directly. his immune system isnt very strong, and everytime he gets sick they're terrified that it's the blood curse but also whatever else it could be, because it's always so sudden and so intense and they call healers over to the house who recommend this delirious feverish 4 year old is hospitalised immediately, and you'd think it'd get easier to some extent because they'd be used to it, but everytime they feel like this is it, this is the time he'll walk in to the hospital and not walk out again

#this headcanon has no purpose im just thinking of scorpius in bed like a sickly victorian child with scarlet fever or something #asking if he'll make it to sunrise lmfao #so then he hates hospitals with a passion #my friend from school was in them constantly he was even a make a wish kid and he can not fucking stand the places so #headcanon scorpius becomes a healer anyway lmao #im sick and this is how im coping by putting baby scorp in hospital lmfao #it just made draco that little bit more protective #lucius made an insensitive comment about it once and draco was ready to throw hands #this headcanon doesnt really go anywhere ive just decided scorpius was a sick child #he has sick child energy lmfao #he still knows some of his doctors/healers because he was there so frequently #just imaging lil scorp in a hospital bed and draco and astoria are sleeping in the room on like uncomfortable chairs and the fever finally #breaks and hes like uh daddy im hungry and its like 4am but draco couldnt care less cause scorp hasnt been able to eat anything for days #let alone ask for food directly and baby scorp is wondering why his parents are acting so damn weird just cause he asked for some toast #but once hes grown up whenever he gets sick its on such a lower level than what it used to be when he was a kid because his immune system #got better that he struggles to gauge when other people would usually stop trying to do daily activities and albus has to start wrestling #scorpius back to bed instead of going to class cause scorpius really youre practically dying and hes like pfff you wanna see dying? use tha #timeturner one more time and go back to see me at literally any point between 2 and 10 i am FINE #(he absolutely was not fine) #scorpius malfoy #albus potter #draco malfoy #hpcc #scorbus #this is so many tags im so sorry

[good-beansdraws]

I know I said I wanted to do Loveit Mappi (and I still plan on it!) but it was indulgent Fuuta art that finally broke my art block so. Ver with mv references, and under the cut one with Loveit/Salamander lyrics🍴

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #lmk if i need to tag anything #i was worried it was cringe and wasnt planning on posting it #but it came out better than i was expecting and im a simple creature who gets excited and wanted to share ;----; #ive been obsessing over the song and him ofc so they came together #something about salamander being a food song and he and kujima missing the same eye #im usually not into Eating Him metaphors but like i said this song has had its hold on me and i just wanted to draw something #its actually more likely that ill go back to writing when i have free time this week - but i was relieved to finally make some progress on #any art after struggling for so long with my wips #*sees those posts of fuuta in the blender/hydraulic press and goes Noooooooooo don't be mean to him!!! D':* #*posts this*

[radiosummons]

There is no doubt in my mind that I am most definitely not the first person to bring this up, but after doing a quick rewatch of Hunt for Ziro (TCW, S3 EP9) I can't help but feel ... just kinda disappointed.

Granted, when I first saw this episode I had no idea who Quinlan was or what his relationship to Obi-Wan was other than he was a fellow Jedi Master who Obi-Wan considered a "bit much" (which is extremely rich coming from Obi-Wan, cause HELLO!!!).

But now knowing what I do know about Quinlan, my god, I can't help but sorta feel like they did him just the tiniest bit dirty. The episode by no means takes away my enjoyment of the character or the show, but I wish they had given him more.

I will say that there are a LOT of things I do love about this episode. For starters, the little exchange between Obi-Wan and Cody at the start of the episode is absolute gold to me. Considering that only does Obi-Wan not waste the opportunity to complain about his childhood friend, but that even Cody is already aware of Quinlan's reputation is a great way to introduce the audience to what kind of person this new Jedi is.

(My little headcanon is that Cody knows about Quinlan due to Obi-Wan going on several mini rants from his General about his "troublesome" Jedi friend, but I'd also just accept the idea that Quinlan is just that fucking infamous in the GAR lol).

It's barely even been a full minute and we already know several things about Quinlan. 1) He has a reputation for being "extra," or at the very least according to Obi-Wan's standards (which, again, fucking WILD), 2) The fact that he's late for a mission and Obi-Wan isn't the least bit surprised tells us this is pretty much the norm for him, and 3) Even the clones are aware of who Quinlan is and what kind of Jedi he is.

The scene then continues with Quinlan finally showing up for his joint mission with Obi-Wan. But because Quinlan is Quinlan, instead of just waiting for the gunship to land, the motherfucker takes the opportunity to dramatically leap and land onto the platform.

Just ... absolute perfection with this character already.

Also, the fact that he follows up said dramatic entrance by taking the time to greet Cody just automatically wins him more points in my book. I love that the TCW writers made a point to show that Quinlan despite being an "odd Jedi," also sees the clones as people. His very friendly and nonchalant way of greeting Cody could also imply--although I'm not sure this is accurate or not--that he's either 1) Already met Cody or 2) Knows about Cody (possibly through Obi-Wan) and possibly already considers him a friend, if not someone he could become friends with.

I don't even mind The Big Lebowski reference inserted into Quinlan's introduction when he nonchalantly brushes off Obi-Wan's obvious annoyance at being made to wait.

Honestly, it's kind of iconic to see someone rebuff Obi-Wan's charm with a simple "Well ... that's just your opinion, man." And knowing what I do know now about them both growing up together, it is absolutely hilarious to see Obi-Wan just silently take that response. Because he knows Quinlan, and he knows his sense of humor. So instead of trying to come up with something witty back as he usually would do with anyone else, Obi-Wan just has to quietly glare at him and refuse to rise to the bait.

The transition from Quinlan's nonchalantless to business and then back again is also fun to watch. Even while Obi-Wan is trying to direct the conversation to solely focus on their mission's purpose, Quinlan is helpfully and not so helpfully sharing what extra bit of intel he has. It's very clear that he's comfortable with Obi-Wan, in that he can slip in a bit of playfulness into what is a very serious conversation but also still keep focus. It's also fun to see Obi-Wan sort of at ease with Quinlan's way of communicating, considering he's had years of living and working alongside Quinlan.

It doesn't stop him from being exasperated at his friend's antics, though. Which is charming in itself to see. Especially when Quinlan offers Obi-Wan to be his copilot, and Obi-Wan easily resigns himself to his fate.

Anyway, I do love that the majority of the episode is an omage to Indiana Jones movies (namely, Temple of Doom), but also to gangster and crime thriller films. Which was absolutely a perfect choice for Quinlan considering that his experiences as a Shadow involved a great deal of missions infiltrating criminal undergrounds and the like.

And the grey morality that is often presence in those types of films is a great compliment to Quinlan, as he while he's still a Jedi, he doesn't hold as strictly to the etiquette and more "refined" tactics of his fellow Jedi. It's also just a nice reference to his own struggles with the Dark Side. And pairing him up with Obi-Wan--his close friend and the one responsible for helping him return to the Light--is just the perfect sort of complimentary team format that is to be expected with those films.

Also this moment:

**A totally not accurate, but very accurate summary of events**

Quinlan: KRIFF THIS DOOR!!!

Obi-Wan: Quin, you can't just barge into people's houses-

Quinlan: Sure I can. I just did.

Fucking iconic.

(As a quick side note, I do love that they took a moment to show off Quinlan's psychometry abilities. Just A+ work right there).

I do also understand that the budget was very limited for TCW (considering that they held off until S3 to debut Quinlan due to the costs of creating yet another character model) and I am very grateful that they were able to give him his own episode. But I can't help wishing we had a little more.

Especially towards the end of the episode. Quinlan just sort of goes completely mute. It is fantastic to see him fight Cad Bane (considering bounty hunters with Cad Bane's skills would be right up Quinlan's alley) and watching him investigate alongside Obi-Wan is also a lot of fun to watch. But it is odd for their banter to just sort of peter off to the point that Obi-Wan is pretty much the only person speaking for the majority of the episode's run time.

The moment where Obi-Wan and Quinlan are hanging from the cliff really sticks out to me the most in this episode. When Obi-Wan says to him "I never did enjoy hanging out with you"--while very funny and a nice reference to their friendship--I can't help but being the tiniest bit disappointed that Quinlan doesn't respond with more than a small smug smile. Granted, the fact he just smiles is funny. But Idk. I'm aware I'm just nitpicking at this point, but I would have loved to hear any sort of verbal response from Quinlan to that, no matter how minor.

I don't know if the budget was extra limited due to Quinlan's new character model being added to the episode, if Quinlan's voice actor just wasn't available to read anymore lines, what production problems may have arisen while creating the episode, or if the script simply just didn't have any other speaking lines for Quinlan. But, uh, yeah. I would have loved just a little something more from him.

Because prior to me finding out more about Quinlan over the years, my initial impression was that Quinlan and Obi-Wan were more colleagues than actual childhood friends. And not just childhood friends, but friends who had a very complicated but overall very sweet friendship despite the hardships they shared.

And I just think that's sort of a shame.

Yes, his character model does appear again in a later TCW episode (Destiny, S6, EP12), but only as a character model/easter egg. And while it did touch me that the Kenobi Show confirmed that Quinlan had survived Order 66 (yes, I did cry when that reveal happened, shut up), I still would find myself wishing we had more on screen Quinlan Vos content.

Just because Quinlan really is an amazing character and I absolutely adore his relationship with Obi-Wan and his padawan, Aayla Secura. He's genuinely a fascinating character to read about in the comics and even more so for the fact that his struggles with the Dark Side did not prevent him from continuing to be a good person.

I think what I just want more than anything is for more people to be exposed to how great Quinlan is. I'm not expecting a Quinlan centric show to up anytime in the future and I don't expect people to go out of their way to read the comics and books about yet another SW character. I just wish more people knew what a fantastic character he is. Especially his wonderful relationships with Obi-Wan and Aayla.

Tldr: I just want people to know how great Quinlan is. Also, give me baby Quinlan and Obi-Wan being the absolute chaos gremlins they are!!! Also, just more Quinlan content in general. I would love that :3

#star wars meta #quinlan vos #quinlan #tcw #the clone wars #hunt for ziro #obi wan kenobi #tcw obi wan #aayla secura #this is a longer post than my usual #but i just think he's neat #and i want more people to know #that quinlan is neat too #edited this post to include the keep reading option #just so people wouldn't have to scroll through #this admittedly quite long post #tumblr is eating my formatting #idk i'll figure it out later

[boygirltreehouse]

none of you understand fabian aramais seacaster like I do, I'm taking Lou Wilson's incredible acting and performance and LEAVING

#fabian seacaster #you ppl do NOT deserve him!!!! #he is allowed to not like the honey he is bitchy its his thing!!! #AND the main reason he stayed to try and make out w whatsherface is bcs he was aksed to for investigative purposes!!! #and if u guys were REAL fantasy high fans #youd KNOW that fabian only wants to fuck insane people bcs they remind him of his dad! #so there! #thought bubbles #fantasy high #hes a dick but not more than usual and hes not even that bad like hes not even that much of a dick i think u guys r just projecting #and also have you considered that he hasnt been eating well and his clothes are all over the floor and hes in a big big house all alone by #himself #have yoh considered that!!!

[starflungwaddledee]

i wanna put your evil gala and my good gala in a locked room together and let them duke it out LMAO

alas rip to your galacta knight. if he has a shred of kindness or empathy at all he's a goner in there.

#it's important that folks know that we didn't just make our hc galacta knight super mean AND super apathetic AND super smart #we also made him extraordinarily cosmically powerful. probably even more than usual #literally immune to pain. mind control on a whim. portaling. time travel. does not need to sleep or eat or breathe. #the guy's got it all. AND of course the wings and tail. his bad personality is just the icing on the cake. #“why would you do that” i mean come on. do you really have to ask #so yea i think basically 100% chance any 'plays niceys' galacta knight would be dead in seconds. sorry!!!! #(thinking on this now i kinda wanna be known as the person with the super op EvilBitch galacta knight..... can this happen.) #galacta knight #asks

[todayisafridaynight]

tbh I really wanted the 3jimas to win that fight, to have Kiryu realize that his actions have consequences and that maaayybeee the people he keeps disappearing on to only reappear briefly to make demands of are finally sick of it and the rose tinted glasses of admiration have come off

no absolutely i really needed kiryu to just. //shakes him//

another thing i really wish we got from IW was daigo going off on kiryu- like he STARTED to but i needed that Y4 shit RIGHT NOW. if Y4 did anything right, it definitely helped broaden daigo's character in how having the chairman title pushed onto him was stressing him out and having him express this to kiryu was SO cathartic, even if daigo's words ultimately mean nothing to kiryu (or at the very least, kiryu did a bad job on understanding daigo's grievances and helping him afterwards)

it really is agitating that the jimas ended up going to the tower anyway too. i get that saejima and majima are kiryu's ex-colleagues and daigo's practically his son, and the fight was supposed to be a 'wake up call' for them. but it just diminishes the anger we saw from daigo in that first scene (and as if i have to say it, daigo becoming angry is a rare thing so that when it does happen its so jarring and it's meant to be serious) and it continues to excuse kiryu's general disregard for others if it means he gets what he wants.

its unfathomable to me that after nearly two decades of holding a position daigo didnt want for the sake of his idol, he finally gets to break away from it. and now his idol's just waltzing back into his life- after acting like he was dead for three years- asking for ANOTHER favor. and daigo's just supposed to accept it. if kiryu wasnt literally dying i just know he'd keep doing this until his last breath and no one would punish him for it because despite how many times he claims to understand daigo's woes, it's evident he doesn't care enough to leave him out of things

#iw spoilers #snap chats #this turned into a daigo rant LMAO SORRY #ALSO INTO A KIRYU HIT PIECE OOPS JLERJALJ #no listen i keep saying it but i genuinely love how much of an asshole kiryu is it makes things really interesting #BUT ITS SO FRUSTRATING WHEN HIS SELFISHNESS DOESNT GET PUSH BACK #like i remember thinking that scene in y3 where mine calls out kiryu was the best scene #i hadnt even played the rest of the series yet but i still knew mine had points about kiryu just pushing problems onto others #and still acting like he's virtuous #BUT THATS A POST FOR ANOTHER DAY ALKJALKJ kiryu ily please stay an asshole who wants to do good #but ultimately sucks at doing good for the people who matter the most to him #let me just ramble more cause when i think of that scene with the jimas its so upsetting #just seeing how daigo's so concerned for kiryu- UGH i need to eat drywall #like aoki's death was one of the only things from this franchise that actively frustrated me #but this whole scene is so agitating too whenever i think hard about it #SORYR FOR THE RAMBLE this was definitely more emotionally charged than i try to make my posts usually #but oopsie </3 i have a lot of feelings ....

[pushing500]

Albina seems to believe that now she's engaged to him, perhaps Wookshys should give up his role as the leader of the Wavian Path sub-cult and come back to the Path of Animism.

Wookshys apparently disagrees.

Speaking of engagements, someone named Pig decided to try their luck with asexual, sadistic, vengeful Hazrov. She said no, and probably wrote their name down in a little book of "people to hunt down in my spare time". She seems like the type.

Every time Candlelight does something related to her social skill, the Warhammer 40k T'au lore nerd part of my brain says, "Heh heh, it's because she's Water Caste", and then I draw her instead of actually painting my real-life T'au miniatures.

First | Next | Previous

#rimworld #gracie plays #The Animist Alliance #art #my art #traditional art #rimworld art #unpolished art #slightly more polished art than usual #I don't think the ideological differences will be enough to break up Albina and Wookshys #But it's interesting to see some tension there anyway #I absolutely think Hazrov would eat a proposal if someone sent one to her #To establish dominance you see #She's very spooky and unpredictable like that #She just feels chaotic to me #I'm glad Candlelight has stopped picking fights with the other colonists #She's not very good at self-preservation usually #So it's nice to see she's (maybe) learning #Have a lovely day y'all!! xoxo

[anyoldfandom]

The problem with starting to think about the Pack more is the fact that now I want to grab Skalamander the same way I grabbed Bobo like. My house now. I want to use your character potential.

#Generator rex #genrex #Just. Ough. OUGH. #Bobo was just a bad use of his potential but Skalamander is just a nothing use of his potential. Very little character there. #But looking at his design I just. Cannot get the question out of my head of 'Is it painful?' #Is he an EVO who lives in constant pain? We see that he can't stop drooling and is blind on one 'side' of his head. #And his tongue flops around when he has his mouth open. His skin stretches and sags in awkward places #It makes me think that he probably lives a pain-filled life and has probably got a wrecked mind bc of it. And then follows VK #Someone who looks at him and says You are not broken. I have use of you. I have salvation. #And with the disability symbolism with Genrex Skalamander also looks the most chronic pain having #Though granted most EVOs with significant body changes probably have chronic pain #I just. Head in hands. Fucked up lizard. How much of his mind is actually still there. #Do you think he has good days and bad days. Bad days where he can't move or days where his mind is more of a mess than usual. #He definitely has to struggle to eat and drink. With no other mouth. #Thinking also in context of Rex Pack AU of like. Skalamander having his bad days and having people who actually care about him #Doing the best they can to help. Bringing him food and water with specially designed straws and utensils #Sitting and talking to him on days his mind isn't fully there so at least he's not alone. Giving him space if he needs it #But making sure to keep a close eye on absolutely anything he needs. #Bc they're one big disabled family and they take care of each other

[thefanciestborrower]

I have decided that Jay has chronic prey brain. He doesn't know what to do about this. Makes it hard to focus when playing vore video game levels. Idiot cannot stop fantasizing about getting ate once it becomes a thing and he hates that

#Anyways I love him he is the most prey ever #pathetic little man even Lloyd has more pred energy than him #he wants Nya to eat him so bad #usually tho he just gets grabbed by Cole #Which he...also doesn't mind #soft vore #safe vore #fandom vore #g/t vore #n.injago vore

[milkweedman]

forcing myself to "eat protein" and "be responsible" after once again encountering a week long period of all my muscles hurt so bad and are so weak despite doing the same thing they always do assuming without checking that it was probably because im eating mostly coffee and plain untoasted bread in small quantities. and its not even a whey bread or 100% whole wheat, ive been trying to use up my bread flour/whole wheat blend (i dumped them in the bucket together, maybe on accident ? unclear) so its just that with whatever else i threw in. spent $6 on the only yogurt in the store that had at least 5 grams of protein per 1/4 cup, which is still very little, only to get home and finally google what the symptoms of protein deficiency are. they are not that. those are the symptoms of Who Fucking Knows, As Always

#i dont even like yogurt... #god the food situation is so bad #so it turns out i can do one of the following--but badly and it takes more than 100% of my energy and is miserable and untenable long term #and involves injuring myself to do it: school. work. taking care of stuff around the house. taking care of myself. #i can do ONE. #i also dont get to pick because obviously i have to work #so feeding myself (even like making a bowl of cereal or eating a granola bar) is so impossibly difficult that i can only really do it #at night when high and finally able to feel hunger #and even then its still incredibly difficult and i usually get as far as cutting a slice of bread and then giving up and eating it plain #most of the actual meals i eat are because my roommates are usually kind enough to make enough dinner for 3 #but i also have very weird and frequently changing dietary needs that i have not communicated 2 anyone so i cant necessarily actually eat i #have cooked some and made sandwiches a few times but its very clear i am borrowing from tomorrows spoons.... #i ran out of the ensure a bit ago and i will get more although none of the stores nearby sell it #but i absolutely cannot afford to live off it #have luckily found that if i just drink one in the morning it staves off the majority of the nonstop random nausea attacks #so a 12 pack would last a lot longer but then its like. so now i need to figure out the eating thing again #cant win etc etc #augh. anyway. complaining over #disordered eating #chronic illness

[soldier-poet-king]

U know when ur brain is Like That and whatever it is you have to eat is suddenly Illegal???

#the duality of fran #ughhhhh i am upset with myself #i have issues with leftovers. just generally #so mostly i only ever cool things i can tolerate as leftover #i have the last batch of that pumpkin soup #that i do NOT want to eat and its all gross and it's not like. rotten #but trying to force myself to eat it sounds like hell rn #but also guilt complex abt food yknow???? #im not doing anyonr any favours by just skipping lunch bc my brain hates the thought of it rn #i think. I'm just gonna have to toss it. eaf a granola bar (i always carry some for this reason) #and then. try to forgive myself. eat a proper dinner #i think i hate depression food obessions more than i hate the actual depression sometimes #ughhh and i have to meal plan #i go insane if i eat the same thing always but i also get so nervous trying new foods #bc my mother lives in my brain and yells at me anytime anything turns out bad or where i cant force myself to eat it #i only ever try things that im 90% sure I'll like #And still. #unfortunately. i am realizing my mother left me with major food anxieties #just not in the usual ED way. i got the guilt complex food waste if i don't clear my plate im sinning way #if leftovers go bad? or produce molds before i can use it? im satan incarnate #BUT ONLY ME. EVERYONE ELSE IS FINE. THIS STANDARD ONLY APPLIES TO ME

[needylittlegirl]

i dont like the things going on right now ! ! ! !

#and by things i mean my cat acting weird #he hasnt been eating good or coming by me as much and hes been more vocal than usual #i dont usually get scared when he acts off for a day or two like hes a cat he goes through phases i know #but this time feels really really different and i dont know why #i cant tell if im just overthinking it or if it does feel different #im gonna try to find a vet that wont take my entire life savings for absolutely nothing but #im just scared #ive had a weird little ball of anxiety in my chest all day and i couldnt figure out what it was #until i watched him sniff his favorite food and just walk away #he didnt even come to see me :( #i dont wanna go to sleep what if something happens tonight #tbd

[gamenu]

There's that "I'm only being tolerated" feeling again...

#༼ 🌟 ooc: afk and probably eating pizza rolls ༽ #negative // #kinda with how easy I realize it is to ignore me etc #or just seeing people excited to see others #but I seldom get that same feeling in return #It usually doesn't bother me but I guess I'm feeling it more than usual

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED. #i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please... #i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway... #the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC