#but i wish he hadnt pursued me because i really do have feelings for him

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i had sex for the first time and it was kind of a horrible experience. i was checking out a bdsm club for the first time and a man in his 50s invited me to check out a different (sex) club the next day and bc i genuinely, idiotically thought he just wanted to introduce me to the scene and show me around i went. at the club he bought me a couple drinks, we talked and then he took me to a private room and went down on me. i didnt say no bc i was drunk and curious, and im bad at saying no to people in general. i thought maybe it would be fun. i wasnt into it at all but felt too bad to let him know. i faked an orgasm and left after a while. as we parted he kissed my cheek and said he hopes we can be friends. drunk me told him of course we could. the next morning i was hit with the worst wave of self loathing ive ever felt in my life, as well as just general disgust and regret. i cannot believe my first time was with an old man i feel zero attraction to. i already knew im probably a lesbian, but still i keep trying to be with men and i dont know why. i guess my question is do you have advice on how to get over a sexual experience you regret? how do i come to terms with the fact that my first time was with someone i feel grossed out just thinking about? and was i taken advantage of? im in my early 20s, he didnt know i was a virgin (i active implied that im not), and i know if i had said no he wouldve stopped. i wasnt falling down drunk or anything. he didnt really do anything wrong. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. i just wish my first time had been with a woman. i wish i hadnt been so naive and stupid and i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. i know its not true but i feel like no woman will ever want me now. i cant even masturbate bc the idea of doing something sexual, even just alone, reminds me of him and what i let him do to me. how do i move on from this?

hi anon,

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

in this case, I would say the way to make peace with a sexual experience you regret is to understand that you aren't responsible for what was done to you.

to answer your question - yes, you were absolutely taken advantage of, and this person very much did do something wrong! quite a lot of somethings! he made the choice to lure someone younger and less knowledgeable to a secondary location you weren't familiar with, get you drunk, isolate you, and pressure you into sex that you didn't give enthusiastic consent to. all of that is CLASSIC predatory, manipulative behavior and reflects on him - not you.

you mentioned that you feel stupid; PLEASE don't. people are pressured into unpleasant sex all the time, very often in the exact same way you were: being entrapped in a situation where going along with it was easier than saying no. it's vile! and none of those people are at fault!

listen: you need to be on your side about this. would you tell anyone else who experienced this that they're stupid and naive? I hope not. I really hope you can find the compassion you'd extend to any other friend in this situation to yourself, because you're going to be the #1 person getting yourself through this.

feeling bad and gross about what happened is fine; what happened was bad and gross. please let those feelings happen and care for yourself while they do, because those feelings need to be felt! just be conscientious about which feelings you're indulging. it's fine to feel betrayed, violated, regretful, angry, sad, even to mourn for a better first sexual experience you could have had! just make sure to gently nudge yourself back if those feelings start veering into the realm of feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. not only is it unhelpful, it's not even true!

it's very sad that your first sexual experience was with someone you didn't want who treated you the way he did. in the future, when you're ready, I hope you'll be able to pursue healthier, mutually pleasurable experiences on your own terms. don't rush yourself to get back to any kind of sexuality, masturbation included - a good long break while you sort through your feelings may be very needed. there's no timeline you need to be on to recover from this; please don't get down on yourself for taking the time and space you need. if you don't have anyone in person you feel able to talk with, looking up online support and resources for people who have experienced sexual assault may be beneficial.

also, hey, please don't play the game of trying to say you don't belong in survivor spaces or how this wasn't an assault because your belief that he would have stopped if you'd told him to (a very generous assumption!) or because you led him to believe you had more sexual experience or it could have been worse or whatever. the feelings you're experience in the aftermath are textbook of assault survivors; that means the resources are for you!

also hey. listen to me. look at me. if any woman tries to tell you that you are less worthy of lesbian love and companionship because you have had sex with a man. ESPECIALLY a man who was taking advantage of you. you are going to send me their address and I will personally attack them with a baseball bat.

#sex edventures 2023

[riizebabie444]

hii this is the feedback for the purchase reading.

little backstory here for everyone, this is my first ever bought a reading from anyone. like legit my first one. why i decided to contact jella about booking a purchase reading even i knew she hadnt even open the purchase reading, i just felt some connection to the reading that she provided. for me, its important whether we (even not as a reader) to connect with the reading. with her reading, i felt so connected, basically getting such a good vibes from her.

now i booked a reading about me with one of the celebrity

even though this is all just imagination, but what the reading said really does make sense? like the celebrities that i chose, it just felt so him about the relationship yk? i love how jella said that the reading would be tame, because i feel like that's the truth? truthfully the reading is not what i expected to be, but it was like a momet of realisation truly! the reading made so much sense

i could see how i could be held back if i pursue a relationship with this celebrity. one of the question that i asked is that how his loved one would see our relationship. basically in the reading it said, they feel like this celebrity couldnt be stopped but still be happy about us regardless. although i love how they think i would fulfilling my own agenda. its just funny to me for no reason. perhaps that would do? haha! love how his fans and team would love to see a glimpse of me haha. even some getting my numbers too!

also his fans reaction about us?? sorry not sorry but that is the truth. like lowkey they are mostly like that, quite aggresive to say the least 😭 so what i do like about the reading is that, jella doesnt sugar coat things, the reading really does feel so raw and authentic if that makes sense? im getting the vibes she would tell you how it really is

even the mentioned of the nicer fans? just sounded like how some of them would react to the current gf of the celebrity too!

i also love how he could be vulnerable and feeling comfortable with my free spirit!!! alsoo thank you so much for the bonus i really do appreciate it. also true i was so shocked how jella could tell what my fav thing about him! i love a man who could comforts and assures me things will be alright so that really does resonates.

all and all, having the first purchase reading ever with jella had been nothing but satisfying. there was some trouble and mishap but jella was so understanding. the lateness of the reading also being informed by her, so she kept me updated about when the reading would be send. since the start, i wanted trust to go both ways, and glad it did happend just like that.

once again thank you so much jella for the amazing reading and services! to people who sees this, i def recommend to get a reading from her fter she opened the purchase reading option!! truly!! you wouldnt regret it!

ʚɞ THIS FEEDBACK IS FOR A PAID READING ʚɞ

thank you so much for this feedback lovely, i loved reading through it and i also want to thank you for being patient with me, and updating me throughout the payment process despite all the hiccups. it was an absolute pleasure to do this reading for you, and i am absolutely honoured that you feel such a connection with me as a reader. it really means so much!

you're right about the fan thing tho, like i really wanted some nicer things to say about them but what the cards read was pretty accurate with what i already know about his fans irl, but like i mentioned in the reading, there are nice fans too and they would love you! and i'm glad you also found it relatable

and wow! i'm shocked too haha the bonus was just a little extra bc some extra cards flew out but i didn't realise it would be so spot on with what you like in a man!

thank you so much for the recommendation, it was really a pleasure to do this reading with you! you were such a lovely person to read for and also exchange with on the first reading. wishing you all the best <333

#ʚɞ feedback

[skatetragedy]

3/12/22

lately therapy has been pretty intense, i feel like i’ve had a couple therapists before that mostly only touched on surface level trauma. my new therapist is pretty intense, shes very sweet but sometimes i genuinely feel like my brain can’t process whats happening because it’s not use to digging as deep as she wants me to. It’s a bit humbling, hearing her consensus on why i act the way i act, its very vulnerable and embarrassing. i want to be better tho, i want my brain to get as deep as it can so i can be the healthy. in other news updates on some relationships :

athena and i have been talking more, and i think its good. nick really clouded me on many relationships because i was just too embarrassed to admit and talk about it to some friends that knew the extent of how he treated me and how we worked together. i missed her and i dont want a man to make me feel like i cant talk to my friends ever again. shes still with kayla, which is good i believe shes very calm and collected with her and i think shes been needing stability like this for a while. 

ive seen nathalie a couple times recently, shes been talking to ali again which is disappointing but as ive said, i know how it feels. nathalie and i are always good, theres really nothing that will keep us apart or anything like that. we locked in forever nothing to really say about it. 

sal and i are good as well. I do feel a bit of sadness when i think of putting sal thru what i put him thru with nick. i feel embarrassed and like a bad friend, but i dont understand why i couldnt help it. i wouldnt talk to him about it because i didnt want to put him in the position of listening to how his friend is with me and vice versa. eve though nick would never stop complaining but it was two sided when it came to complaints. i would just never say anything. i feel guilty and i dont know how to express it or make up for it. ill try my best. 

nick and i havent spoken. he texted me to wish me well with therapy/work/school and i didnt respond at the moment. i called him one night to express i couldnt/didnt want to be friends with him. i dont think its okay to be friends with an ex let alone one that got you pregnant. he told me i could get over the pregnancy but its just not that easy, i was in n out of the ER, received chemo therapy, and had to be locked in my room for two weeks. it was mentally and physically taxing. he really has no emotion or regard to how i could feel, and i dont understand why i hadnt realized that sooner. i hope he gets the help he needs and that things go well for him, with me excluded from his life. he asked why we couldnt be friends and i gave him a list of reasons, he gave me solutions, then i said i had been seeing someone new and im trying to go my seperate ways, he said “oh so you only called to tell me youre seeing someone new i dont want to hear that” why ask for reasons, give solutions and only fixate on one reason you dont like. i hope he matures, he cant stay alone for very long and his toxic cycle he learned from katie will just continue.

i have a new friend, named mark. hes very attractive, funny, and sweet. we only recently started becoming a bit romantically involved. i had liked him from a distance when i first met him and i didnt understand why. i was talking to n*ck at the time and he was all rocky over the fact sal andi had become friends again and we were hanging out regularly. i believe i met mark on halloween, with a group of others with us. we didnt talk much, i just offered him poppers and he thanked me. end of story for halloween. i pursued him, embarrassingly enough not much came of it, until recently as im used to men being horny and ready to fuck whenever i say hello. i guess thats nice though, we went on a first date to a couple different bars and i had a great time, many embarrassing things happened around him and hes still stuck it through so im hoping that means something good. our first date was refreshing for me, he was gentleman and very fun to be around. aesthetically we are very different people, but mentally very in sync with anything we say or want to do, which was a little scary at first. i do like him, he stayed the night yesterday for the first time and i havent felt someone that comfortable and happy around someone for a long time. we spent all morning giggling and being silly in bed and i dont remember the last time i did that with someone without having sex. its refreshing that everything isnt about having sex at the moment, that he could possibly be around me because he likes who i am. i hope that doesnt change.  

[starspirals]

ah my feelings are hurt :(

#the guy ive been seeing not seeing and kind of like hurt me a lot this past month told me he was gonna come hang out on sunday #which is fine id like to be friends #i forgot it was valentines day #i already agreed but i wish i had told him not to come #im not emotionally prepared for this #and my roommate is a little disappointed because i said i wasnt like gonna let him fuck wiyh my feelins anymore #hes the one who convinced me my last relationship needed yo end and he was right #but i wish he hadnt pursued me because i really do have feelings for him #and he doesnt feel the way i do hea just kinda using me

[ruffiorocks]

LONG post in regards to whats being said about Lena.

Man, every time the CW post something about Supergirl on Instagram or Twitter people really lose their s**t for literally no reason.  

People saying that Lena is awful, they wouldn't watch a show with Lena in it, someone went as far to say they would rather die that watch a show with Lena in it??? OK.... Dramatic much? Yet here you are following the Supergirl page and knowing exactly what has been going on in the show because you use it for your arguments. Seriously sort your s**t out!

Also, I may get hate for this and I DO NOT CARE but im totally fine with Lena punching Kara in the face. Personally i think she’s asked for it. You can argue until the end of time that she doesn't deserve the punch for keeping her identity a secret, debatable BUT she absolutely deserves a punch in the face for being an arsehole to Lena and calling her a Luthor and then going to her best friends boyfriend and talking him into betraying her trust! Oh and then letting Lena vent to her about how this meant she would never trust Supergirl again, that was disturbing behavior, played off as an ‘oopsie’ moment. Personally Kara’s Jeckell and Hyde act with Lena has always been a bit disturbing to me, its not always funny. Just like in season 2 when she landed at L Corp with Superman and basically looked her nose down at Lena (re watch it). But a punch in the face is warranted. Punching someone in the face isnt akin to becoming evil!

Also why are people saying ‘I knew she would turn Evil!’ ‘Look what Lena is doing!’ erm... Lena hasnt actually done anything yet. A punch doesn't mean full on evil. Lena said she wants to inflict the same pain on Supergirl that she has caused her, now that’s interesting to me, because Kara hasn't actually inflicted any ‘physical’ pain on Lena and Lena even said she doesn't want to kill Supergirl. Now save for a much deserved punch in the face which looks like it takes place in a virtual world anyway, perhaps Lena is going to go down another route and inflict emotional pain on Kara just like Kara has inflicted it on her. Maybe this is why we saw BTS of Alex and Kara fighting, maybe this world is set up so Kara can experience everyone she loves betraying her in some way? The same way Lena feels she’s been betrayed? Im not saying that’s a healthy way to deal with things but the show would be boring if Lena was like ‘nah its cool’.Plus this is how Lena will see it, something she wouldn't be thinking if Kara had taken the time to explain things to her from the off set. to late now. 

Now i know what people will say ‘Kara has suffered so much and doesn't deserve more pain’ yeah... well Kara should have thought about that before inflicting pain on Lena who has also suffered enough pain in her life to. Kara having suffered doesn't mean she has a free pass to treat others poorly, who haven't actually done anything to hurt her or intended to hurt her at all. If Lena had been a nob and out to get her from day one then fair enough, but Lena has saved Kara’s ass/life many times and has never intended to hurt her, but s3 kara (who i wish i could forget) decided being an ass to Lena was OK. Yes Kara thought she was protecting Lena, but that excuse became null and void the moment she started revealing her identity to every Tom, Dick and Nia that she met! Kara is NOT a space puppy! Sure she has her cute adorkable moments but dont mix fan fic with reality. Kara is actually a very serious person who doesnt have all the answers, and doesn't always have a clear view of things. Remember it was Kara who basically told Jonn that there was no more alien hate anymore because SHE didnt receive it, the blonde haired, blue eyed hero of the city who looks human didnt receive hate so therefore it no longer existed. Now this isnt having a go at Kara, its to show that Kara isnt always right and doesn't always have a clear view of things.

Now, people are saying that Kara’s other friends didnt have a bad reaction to Kara admitting she was Supergirl so how dare Lena? OK, you guys are reaching pretty far now and you’re conveniently forgetting what has happened on the show because you’re too busy hating on Lena, so:

1. Winn didnt hate Kara the moment he learned she was Supergirl. OK, well first off, she wasnt really Supergirl yet, just an alien. Winn thought it was cool and wasnt upset she had lied to him? Well Kara keeping her identity from Winn didnt effect Winn in any way at all. There was no Luthor/Super history involved in Winn and Kara’s friendship.

2. James already knew, Clark took that decision away from Kara because he felt she needed a man to keep an eye on her. But this aside, James already knew Superman and was his best friend, he didnt ‘already’ know Kara. He knew who she was before she knew who he was! Again, him knowing her secret had no Luthor/Super implications.

3. Alex already knew and grew up with her. There was no ‘secret’ identity, she came to the Danvers as an alien and anyway Alex was NOT cool with her to begin with.

4. Mon El was also an alien, he wasnt a massive fan of Kara anymore than she was a fan of him. In fact Kara was the ass to Mon El rather than the other way around. It was Kara who referred to him as a ‘Daxamite’ more than once. Now, you could say they did have a history like the Luthor/Super one. Only it was Kryptonian/Daxamite, but the difference is Kara immediately told Mon El who she was, there was no pretending to be an alien from somewhere else or someone entirely different like she did with Lena. Kara knew Mon El was a Daxamite because of the beacon he sent, he didnt deny being one either. No his lie was being the Prince because he knew Kara would NOT have been OK with that. So he got involved with Kara whilst pretending to be something he wasn't. I seem to remember Kara being pretty miffed when she found out he was actually the Prince, only the end of the world was happening and she didnt really get a chance to deal with those feelings because she had to send him away. But later when he came back Kara had had time to process her thoughts on him, but she still told him EXACTLY what she thought of him. Mon El deceived Kara so he could pursue a relationship with her, Kara deceived Lena so she could pursue a friendship with her. Kara and Lena should have a choice in these scenarios because the respective ‘secret identities’ would have made them take pause. 

5. Jonn. already knew, nothing to argue here. 

6. Nia, Kara told Nia in a moment of solidarity because she to had ‘lost’ her sister, and apparently this was an OK reason to tell the girl you knew for 5 minutes who you are. Do you know who else had ‘lost’ a sibling and Kara has had many a solidarity moment with and who has saved her ass more than once and who she has known for longer than five minutes??? oh yeah LENA!! Anyway.... again, Nia had no reason to be miffed at Kara, she hasnt spent 3 years lying to her or pretending to be someone she wasnt and not fully trusting her. No Luthor/Super family drama or anything. 

7. The Legion already knew

8. Cat, Cat was Kara’s mentor and although Kara absolutely lied and deceived Cat, she NEVER treated her crap (save for the red K thing) like Kara did to Lena. Plus once again no Luthor/Super drama. Plus she wasnt Kara's best friend. 

Lena is completely different, have a think about what would be going through Lena’s head. ‘Supergirl’ suddenly turns up at her office the moment she arrives in National City in disguise? Supergirl using this secret identity keeps coming back to Lena, using Lena to track down Roulette, to try and get info from her about her mother. Lena mean while keeps saving the lives of the aliens of National City (including Supergirl). Mon El leaves and Kara suddenly cuts Lena from her life until she once again needs her for something? Come season 3 and ‘Supergirl’ suddenly turns on her? All for having a substance she wasn't using to hurt her but to protect her friend Sam? Supergirl calls her a ‘Luthor’ and gets pissed at her for GIVING her the Kryptonite? Supergirl starts telling Lena what to do as though she can? Supergirl then uses Lena’s boyfriend to spy on her? Then suddenly  Kara is back and being her best friend again listening to all her vent about Supergirl? Lena goes out of her way to make sure Argo City survives and Supergirl is still later an ass to her because she decided to work with the substance SHE created because Supergirl doesn't approve? Supergirl is an ass to her when they are with Alex and its Alex who puts her in place, but Kara is still coming back to her as her bestie? Kara Joins her in trying to track down Lex and even lets Lena think that she’s been blown up? Lena then has the pleasure of being told by Lex of all people that Kara has been lying since day one and he even has footage?? Lena’s new ‘family’ all knew except for her, doesn't say much for Kara’s trust in Lena. If she hadnt already dumped James’ ass i hope she would now! She would probably be thinking ‘why did James pursue me? Was he sent told to keep an eye on me? Was Kara just sent by Superman to watch me? Did the gang befriend me for the same reason? Keep the Luthor close? This woman has been betrayed and deceived her whole life, not second guessing any of this would be the bizarre thing. 

But anyway, i agree that both Kara and Lena are right to feel the way they do. But i am more on Lena’s side. I get Kara’s reasoning up to a point, to begin with she wanted to protect Lena., but then she should never have become so involved with her if she truly wanted to keep her safe. Her reasons become null and void when she tells people she’s known for 5 minutes who she is without thought to their safety (Nia). She made the decision to be an arsehole to Lena and then use Lena’s relationships against her and called her the only thing she knew would hurt Lena the most. She then kept saying she wanted to tell Lena but allowed others (Mon El, Alex) to keep her from doing so to the point where it was to late. Kara’s reasons started out noble, but they went beyond to far. Especially since Lex and Lillian knew and Kara STILL didnt see a point in telling Lena, Lex got the opportunity to tell Lena because Kara couldn't step up. The moment she knew Lillian knew she should have had Jonn erase her mind or tell Lena herself. Kara doesnt ‘owe’ her identity to anyone, but she should think twice about how much she gets involved with or treats the people close to her that dont know. 

Also, it is a betrayal, the writers have said so and even Melissa has agreed she totally understands it. Not telling Lena her secret isnt the betrayal, its everything that came along with it, everything Kara did along the way. (though she could be talking to Eve)

They say the season is a ‘fight for Lena’s soul’ , personally i think being betrayed by Kara is a poor reason for Lena’s soul to be in danger, it doesn't say much for her. But that very statement implies that Lena hasnt gone full Luthor, Otherwise it would be ‘Lena’s soul is lost’. 

It will be interesting to see how Lena reacts to the rest of the super friends since back in season 3 she understood secrets that weren't hers to tell and to keep people safe. She knew Alex was DEO but kept it to herself and wasnt arsed abut it and she didnt on Sam to keep her safe. But knowing the writers they’ll forget this part of Lena’s personality and make her miffed at everyone. 

Lastly Kara may be the main character but that doesnt mean everything she does is right and she DOESNT have to be your favorite character. 

Anyway thats enough. Dont send hate as always will go unanswered and deleted. 

#supergirl #lena luthor #kara danvers #anti james olsen #anti mon el #nia nal #alex danvers #jonn jonzz #cat grant #winn schott #brainy #lex luthor #lillian luthor

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Hydrangea - Chapter 1

The home was large and imposing. Located on the second largest island, in the Stockholm archipelago, it was connected to Stockholm by a bridge, which meant it was in the perfect location to quickly reach the rest of civilization whenever the moment was required -- but was enough out of the way that I didn't have to be bothered by anyone. The quiet location of the home allowed me the peace and privacy recent events, had made so valuable.

Upon stepping inside, I noted the dust that covered every single surface within the home; and on the kitchen table -- sat a magazine from six years ago. It had been a while since anyone used this place. It had been in our family for several generations, and although it was grand and beautiful in the summer, it was a hard place to live in the winter. Just heating it, was a small fortune, especially considering it had no protection or barriers to help shield it from the ferocious frozen winds, that relentlessly lasted the coldest months of an already savage cold.

 My tiny Pomeranian, Max, took a moment to sniff around. He was as fearless as he was adorable, and I could only pray that he managed to stay out of trouble. Max was my loyal little man, and when i was at my lowest, he really helped me keep going. I had given up on myself, but I couldnt let my little Max down. I leaned down and gave him a quick back rub, before he trotted off to sniff around some more. I could only imagine the sensory overload all this was to a little city dog, that now had an entire new world to investigate.

I walked around the house, going from room to room, opening up windows to let in the fresh air. I peeked over at my neighbors house, and was pleased to see people were there.

Back when I was growing up, I would come here every summer, without fail. During that time, I had managed to develop amazing friendships with the children who had lived next door -- Bill and Eija Skarsgard. Bill was the tall and lanky boy who would always have scrapes and bruises, and absolutely zero fear whatsoever. Eija, was just as bold as her older brother. She never failed to be confident in any situation -- even when I was hesitant about something. In fact, if I tried to chicken out, or god forbid, not even try, she always found a way to change my mind. I was a naturally timid child, but they would have none of it. There were 3 older brothers, and although theyd often humor us, they were too old to play our silly games of pretend.  But looking back on the events that led me here, I couldn't help but wish I’d stayed that sweet timid girl, that cried when i caught a fish, because id made its mouth bleed. Being fearless and passionate hadnt gone well for me.

These days, from what I'd seen online and read about in articles, it seemed that almost all of the Skarsgard brothers were actors. I remembered the father was some sort of artistic type, and was shocked his sons had followed suit, all but one of them, got so embarrassed by his unapologetic nudity. The boys I grew up playing "make believe" with as children, were now critically acclaimed actors. Not only that but beautiful ones at that! Bill had grown into quite the looker. He was handsome by anyone's standards,  with his rich and dark brown hair, sinful full lips, chiseled facial features and penetrating green eyes. Looking at him in magazines, it was mind-blowing that this was the same boy that helped me build dams out of stones, or dig in the dirt for hours. I was sorry I'd lost touch with them but was too shy to reach out to them now that they were famous. That wasn't why I missed them, although I'm sure that's what they'd think. I hoped that the fame hadn't gone to their heads and that they were still the friendly, free-spirited family that I had always remembered them to be before I couldn't find the time to come back to this place.

When you're a teenager, you don't want to escape the rat race; you want to be in the thick of it. I was by no means a party girl, but I did enjoy an active social life in my teens, and all through college. I was obsessed with getting good grades and was a bit of an overachiever, so I kept myself busy. I was always aloof with boys because frankly, they all seemed more trouble than they were worth. I had high standards and was of the mindset that I would rather be alone than settle for someone perfect for me. Then I met Adam.

Adam appeared perfect, at least at the surface. He was naturally athletic and tall, attractive by conventional standards; and very funny -- as well as charismatic and successful. He honestly had it all, or so I thought. People, myself included, were instinctively drawn in by him. Adam could always be counted upon for a good time with a great story. He was your typical all-american boy next door that you wanted to do bad things with. It’d actually flattered me, when he took an interest in me, and tirelessly pursued me.

If I had to describe myself, physically, I was fortunate enough to be naturally conventionally attractive as well. However, I had a standoffish vibe. In my defense, resting bitch face is a thing that can’t be fixed for some people, but with every cloud, there's a silver lining. Especially since it's saved me from numerous creeps approaching me, and at least gave me the illusion that I blended in, and didn't draw much notice.  I HATED being the center of attention. On a Friday night, you're more likely to find me at home curled up on my couch engrossed in a good novel -- rather than dealing with strangers and drunk people.

I had a very secure career as a  business analyst, for a big utility company; so I was not the person you ever wanted to see. I analyzed our various departments and employees, to always be sure, we work at our most financial efficiency, and if I did come to see you, it wasn’t because to give you a high five. As long as I kept us out of the red, and looked professional and clean, they really couldn't have cared less about aging or being fashionable.

As time progressed within our relationship, I thought nothing of it when Adam got a new assistant at work named Alexis. Alexis had a lovely face and Victoria's Secret body. She was slender, and never appeared to have a single strand of hair out of place. A few friends made comments, but I defended her, annoyed people only looked at her superficially, and didn't take her seriously. I had suffered this same plight, my entire life, so I refused to acknowledge her beauty as anything suspicious. She was brilliant and tenacious, and her organizational skills were spectacular, and coming from me, that's quite a compliment.  She also knew a lot about healthy eating habits and managed to share diet and exercise tips with Adam when he started to find it difficult to fit in some of his suits. I thought it was sweet of him to make a new friend, and treat her like a peer and looking back, I want to choke myself.  I was, quite frankly, the most naive, trusting idiot on the planet.

It started simply; she would occasionally "forget" to give him some messages from me and once in a while laughing a little too much at one of his jokes that just wasn't as funny, or always would touch his arm or back or shoulder. Honestly, it was a tint bit annoying, but he had always been a handsome, charming guy, that made people feel comfortable. She wasn't the first one to be a bit too familiar, but at the end of the day, he loved me and wanted to marry me. I had no reason to not trust him because of her actions. If I'm honest, I probably should confess I am a bit of a reclusive type and am not very attentive or needy. Alone time is right up there with oxygen, for me, so I have to trust completely, or I’ll drive myself nuts.

If I’d paid closer attention, id have questioned why he started staying later and later at the office. I just assumed he was taking on more cases, that he had gained from all the free publicity when he had represented a notorious South American cartel crime lords son, and saved him from what was thought to be a certain a guaranteed death sentence. He’d still received a life sentence, but considering the 74 crimes had been guilty of, that was damn near a miracle! So, I didn’t mind when he had to cancel several dates with me. In fact, I was proud of him for getting more work, rising in the ranks of the legal hierarchy as well. Then there was his sudden disinterest in looking at houses with me. One of the most significant conflicts in our relationship had always been that I refused to move in together until we were married. Since we were going to be getting married at the end of summer, he had been foaming at the mouth to pick out our future home, but now it was like he planned on buying a house after we were married. I didn't let it bother me though, I figured that because of his busy work schedule, it would just be easier for me to take photos of the houses for him, and put them all in an online portfolio for him to review at his convenience. I even went as far as completely buying his bullshit excuse of "needing something to hold back his hair out of his eyes, while he was at the gym" when I found a woman's hair tye in his fucking bathroom. (Believe me, if I could go back and slap the shit out of myself --) :

It wasn’t until I received a call from my gynecologist with the results from my yearly pap smear -- that I was doused in the cold hard reality of what was going on. I had chlamydia, and quite frankly -- I wanted to cut his manhood off and make him eat it, I was so mad. I stormed into his office and burst through the doors dramatically slamming the test results on his desk in front of him. And you want to know the embarrassing part? I still didn't think it was Alexis.

“What dirty ass whore, have you been sticking your dick in? Who was worth throwing us away, because its fucking over.” I said menacingly enough, he scooted back a bit.

“I dont think you should talk about her like she cant hear you, for fucks sake,” he said looking over at Alexis who continued to work quietly and avoid eye contact with me; almost pretending as if nothing were wrong and she could not in fact hear me.

I was at a complete loss. I stood there with my mouth agape, trying to process this information, and when I could feel the lump in my throat rise, and the tears threatened to fall, I turned on my heel and left, without saying another word.

Looking back, I should have noticed several signs that something was amiss.

About six months ago, he became very concerned with his appearance; hitting the gym, eating healthy, buying anti-aging products, investing in several expensive wardrobe pieces, getting a new hairstyle. I had found it funny that at 30 years old, he was having a mid-life crisis. I’d tease him about it a little bit, and he’d just roll his eyes and say he wasn’t a natural stunner like me.

I’ve always been very low maintenance, but that’s because my body knows it has to keep it together because I’m not doing a bunch of crazy stuff to stay young. I’m totally fine with gray hairs, wrinkles and wearing my Juicy tracksuits that haven’t been in style, for a decade. There were better odds that I’d get superpowers than I’d get Botox.

I had been so blind. Such a fool.

When Adam came by my home to pick up his possessions he’d left there over the years, she came along and even had the audacity to come inside with him. She had this smug look on her face, and kept whispering to Adam and giggling. I knew she was trying to get a rise out of me but was a lady dammit... I held it together until they finally left, and as I closed the door and locked it behind them, I pressed my forehead to the door, willing myself to stay strong, but my legs got so weak, and the air felt like it’d been knocked out of me. And I suddenly felt far too heavy to stand. I crumpled to the floor, and curled myself into the fetal position, and cried like I, ve never cried in my entire life. Hysterical, slobberyface, sobbing with boogers, till my throat and diaphragm hurt, and then I cried some more.

My heart was broken. I felt like my life was over, and my chance at happiness had left with him. I sunk into a pretty deep depression and stopped cleaning the house and speaking to anyone outside of work. If it hadn't been for my loyalty to Max, I don't know if I would of left my house. I had to take care of Max tho, so I pressed on although I was a shell of my old self.

I’d torture myself looking at their social media accounts, with all their cute little pictures and sappy comments. I’d never been one to post 1000 pictures of my life or write to my boyfriend. I saw every day, professions of my love for all the world to see. I updated my Instagram maybe once a month, unlike Alexis, who seemed to update hers about once an hour. It was disgusting.

That’s how I saw the hydrangea bushes.

I always loved hydrangeas and had asked Adam if I could plant some at his office, and he’d always said they were too problematic. I’m an analyst, so rather than argue, I gathered various varieties and strains, what their strengths and weaknesses were, what colors were offered, how often they bloomed and what was required to keep them alive. I had presented Adam with the top 3 hydrangea candidates in folders that were the color they’d bloom to be, and was rather pleased with myself. He’d been busy at the time and handed the folders off to Alexis, promising to look them over later. I asked him a few times if he’d gotten a chance to look them over and he’d get annoyed, so I just let it go.

Now I was sitting here, seething with rage, looking at Alexis, posing next to a sizeable Bloomstruck hydrangea bush holding my motherfucking folder.

I don’t know what came over me, but I had to destroy that bush.: I stayed up all night, figuring out the best strategy. Finally, I decided to go by his office before sunrise, since no one would be around, for me to douse said bush in lighter fluid and walk away to let it soak in. Eventually, once they had arrived at the office a little bit later, I would wait for them to all be inside and then casually stroll on by and toss a lit match in the bush.

 Burn baby, burn! 

His office building was made out of bricks and the flowering bed was also encased in bricks; there was no risk of it getting out of control.

I jogged by, splashing the contents all over the bush, and then crossed the street to the parking garage, where I took the stairs up to the sixth floor, where I could see them arrive without being seen. People never look up.

It didn't take long before I saw Adam’s shiny black Mercedes pull into his reserved parking space, and imagine my surprise when Alexis got out the passenger side. I guess he was giving her rides to work now too, or maybe they even lived together. Frankly, I didn't care, but they were not getting happily ever after, with my favorite fucking flowers!

They kissed and held hands, in front of God and everybody. It was repulsive and so unprofessional. He pulled her into a deep kiss and then went inside, leaving her outside. What was she doing? I bet she was going to take some fucking selfies. She walked over to MY bush, digging in her purse. More pictures with the bush, but when she pulled something out of her purse, my stomach dropped. In her hand, she had a cigarette and a lighter. She tried to light her cigarette, but it was a windy day. Thank God, I breathed a sigh of relief until she huddled down into the bush, using it to block the wind and lit her cigarette. I'm not exaggerating when I say; she quite literally burst into flames.

 I watched in horror, as she ran around flailing her arms and screaming completely engulfed in flames. Then I turned around, and I ran as fast and as far as my legs would take me in the opposite direction.

I want to give a huge thank you for helping me with editing @imaginationlane. She is such a good writer, and she took the time to help point me in the right direction and I'm very thankful. I actually edited something!!!! Yeah!!!

If I should keep going, like or comment or reblog. I welcome any comments, good or bad.

#bill skarsgard #billy skarsgard #fanfic #establishing story #hydrangea #fan fiction #multiple parts #my writing

[fluorescentundertow]

Im so mad. I told my mom about how when i was 10 i wanted to be a singer and my stepmom always told me "youre not a singer, you are good at other things. Dont try to sing" and so i never was able to pursue it and i thought this whole time i had no musical talent. Well my mom tells me that when i was really little i was messing around on the piano and what i was playing sounded kinda good, and she asked my dad if he taught me how to play it and he said no bc obv i had just made it up. He never gave me any piano lessons(hes a musician), he always told me i was terrible when he tried to give me a singing lesson. Basically i had natural musical talent, but now i cant play shit because my dad didnt want his kid to be more talented than him. Society always says you have to start music as early as possible. Im only 16 and i feel like im too old to pursue this. I wish the people in my life at the time were more supportive of me. I wish i hadnt spent all of this time telling myself i was no good, and didnt have talent, or couldnt do it.

#personal rant #dont reblog

[myinnerletters]

Covid 19 Ramblings.

28.04.20

Wtf. i dont even really know where to start with all of this, because I feel a million waves and thoughts of overwhelmed. It’s in my chest and in my heart and it feels like drowning, and suffocating and not being enough.

Never enough. Nothing’s ever enough. Career. Life. Friends. It’s all never enough. i dont know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to feel them without feeling like I’m a crazy person, a feeling and a habit taught at 16 years old. Any emotion feels out of control. Feels like i’m spiralling out. I feel like im mourning for the life i had, and i’m scared i’ll never be able to return to the things that once bought me joy. WIll I ever be able to perform my show again? will there be space for the arts again? The world feels scary, and it feels like it’s cut out for the rich, conservative, like minded people who don’t like individuality and don’t want people thinking for themselves or standing up for themselves. I know there are signs for hope everywhere but i dont feel hope. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel lonely. I feel like a pain in everyones way, and that no one cares about me. I know this is dramatic, and like a teenager thing to write.

So many people i know value their partners, they are their everything. For me, my friends were my everything. But when it comes down to it, i don’t think i matter or mean anything to them. People say so, but i think thats because i’m good at making people feel good. I’m a rock. 

Juliet wanted to talk about her mother and then she wrote a piece and asked me to read it. And the suffocating rose up in me, and i had to listen to music to drown out the silence. And i realised in that moment, that I need noise. I need distracting. Silence for me is as good as being ignored. Silence is someone hating you, someone saying they are done with you, pretending you are not important to them. And then Juliet tried to psychoanalyse me and tell me that i needed to feel that emotion, but i dont need her to tell me that when i’ve spent the last six years deeply unpacking it all.

I feel like i’m in the way. I feel like I don’t know what my purpose is. I know mum always says i know what i want but i feel so jaded now, so over it, so full of doubt and self criticism. Like my dreams and my realities cant happen. Like i dont have the same energy to pursue the things that i once thought mattered so much. Who am i if none of this matters anymore? Why do i do what i do?

And then theres the matter of dating. And the fact that, I dated an asshole last year who got me to open up. Who made me feel like I could finally cut the bullshit and have an adult relationship, something i despise that i’ve wanted. He was such a dick, constantly nitpicking me, constantly making “jokes”, constantly trying to put me down. Why? I know I never really fit the jewish school mould, but that’s fine. That’s never been me. Why did he despise my difference and think it strange and weird and want to change it. Why was i weird, and say weird things, and not as mature as him - because i chose the arts and because i was kooky? i dont think I’ll ever understand.

But now i’m so guarded. I’m so over it. I’m so ... cold? a bitch. just a bitch. I like cant handle a joke, a guy teases me and I start to get defensive. Why am i being a sarcastic bitch. Why am i pushing them away and then being like surprised when they do. Why do i keep picking assholes, expecting them to be different.

I feel like i’ve always felt like I knew these truths about me that no one else knew. The “i’m not talented” and “i’m cursed” and somehwere deep down “i’m destined for great things”. I’ve told myself for so long that I am cursed, that i dont deserve the good things, that theres no one out there for me, and that this pattern will keep continuing. 

Pre covid, i was really starting to get into the groove and making some good decisions for my life. I didn’t feel the need to search for love, I was investing the time in myself. Now i’m seperated from my friends and family, I miss everyone so much and I feel so alone. Rebecca can go to a beach house, jacqui can go shelter with her boyfriend. And then im left alone here, with a cat, crying for an entire week because my PMS is so bad and then i fear the gynaecologist gas lighting me and men gashlighting me and its a spiral.

Tonight i stopped messaging people, i felt so shit about myself. Told myself no one cared about me. Told myself they didnt care and found me annoying. I always feel that way. That people think im annoying. That i’m in the way. That i’m a nuisance. And i hang out with rebecca and its fun, and then i come up here into my room and cry again and feel uncertain and overwhelemed and like i’ll never be able to achieve anything again, and that my world as I’ve known it is over for good and theres no way forward.

It feels like giving up. It feels like constantly giving up. It feels like no energy and no motivation and no inspiration because there’s no end date in sight. I wish i could go back even to January, to hobart which was both so hard and sad and so full of joy. I wish i could hug my family a little closer when i saw them in feb, i wish i hadnt made mum feel like shit. I wish i could hug each and every one of my friends more and stayed present instead of worryign about a future that is literally on pause. I wish i had gone out more before. I wish I had lived instead of living my life according to rules i put in place in my head to tick off and complete for success. I wish i’d enjoyed my time on stage and not seeked out an award nomination for validation on my craft. I wish everything back then hadn’t felt like nothing and not enough, cause now when nothing is happening, those things feel like the world and I wish i could have lived in those warm moments of joy and excitement, instead of telling myself that they werent enough and that i had to strive harder for more. I miss the simple things the most now. I’m so sad thinking about all the things I miss. I miss my family so much. I’m worried so much about them. I wish things could kind of go back. Not to the world we were living because that didn’t work. But i wish i could go back and enjoy my life because I miss it all. 

[metalwalks]

A Relationship: Rachel

I remember why I couldn’t be friends with her at this time last year. She struggled to see herself as equal to me. She was constantly seeing things I was wearing, or things I did (like my projects and music) and expressing how she wanted to do them too and would either do one of two things: make it a competition or feel rlly sorry for herself that she didn’t take the initiative to make a pop cover (she likes to sing) or model (she loves photos of herself) or submit to art shows. I would make it a point to encourage her but she would manipulate the conversation to be about her and her accomplishments to divert from her feeling inadequate to me. Her roommates at the time would often pull me aside to express that they felt she was blindly narcissistic and I would remind them to be mindful that she was going through some shit and that was her way of boosting her self esteem. I would constantly be the liaison between them because I knew she wasn’t purely egotistical and really struggling to live with the two girls and I had been ostracized by a group of women just the year before (junior year).

I visited her in BK 4 times - Once she said she wished she was skinny like me even when I told her that I had lost weight from depression and it was unintentional, and expressed how badly I was struggling with my mental health. She would still only focus on my weight loss. There were multiple times where she would initiate long conversations to sell me on the diet regime (even tho I had lost drastic weight and needed to gain). She would turn into a sales woman (someone I didn’t recognize) when she was pitching (she used to do sales and prides herself on her ability to make sales) I felt she didn’t have my best interest in mind and was thinking about profit.

When I told her I was depressed and couldn’t go out drinking bc of my medication she would get upset and take it personally. She would often say “Well I’m depressed too but I can still be social.” And then go out and do something a bit reckless but never admit that she may have admired my ability to stay in and be introspective and work on my art. She said she couldn’t pursue her projects because she didn’t have the time but would choose to go out instead and then ask me why I was accomplished.

She would say you used to be so fun (in college when we would get drunk and do drugs).

Instead of being a support system like I was for her (helping her through cheating scandals with Kevin and moving her out of NB to Bushwick) and encouraging me she would ask me why I had the things I did like Aperture, Emile, acceptance into photography shows that she didn’t get into, etc. I told her I’d do whatever I could to get her a job at Aperture. I introduced her to the staff. In the same few weeks she expressed a desire to have more of what I had - she met Emile for drinks after bashing him at her apartment and telling me I was much better then him and he is an egotistical loser. In the same week Emile and I slept together (he told me he was breaking up with bae) he got engaged. She was outraged and said he was unworthy of me. I felt she rlly had my back. I found out later from Emile that they had met shortly after she moved to Bushwick. When I asked her why she didn’t tell me she was very flustered and said she only went because Emile promised free drinks.

I didn’t ask her to but she sent me portions of the text conversation between them after she left the bar. What she sent me made her seem much more innocent then the full conversation Emile sent me where they had arrangements to go back to her place. I should have confronted her on this but it I was so fed up with her behavior and hurt that I never fully expressed to her how much this hurt me.

I expressed to her that I didn’t think our friendship was working out. That week she showed up to an event I was working at Aperute after I told her we couldn’t be friends and she knew my job at the event was to work the door because we had talked about it. She hadnt been to an Aperture event up until that night. I know she was trying to get my attention but she is often spiteful and knew that would throw me off and that was more hurtful then trying to get me to notice her. (She ignored me when she came in).

The next week I bumped into her with the Olufemi at an art opening. She had hung out with us twice. I told her I was really happy and that I rlly liked him. He got very clingy and I had to cut him off and so when we stopped being friends they continued to kick it and went on a date that I saw them on. He came up to me and apologized and she walked away. He was very well off and had a rooftop apartment in the financial district and she often mentioned that as an incentive for me to continue to date him.

When I got my big arm tattoo with the flowers she continuously said how she was jealous and wanted more tattoos. It took her awhile to compliment it and when she finally showed her approval she said she wanted one just like it in the same spot. I asked her to get something a little different. When she saw it initially she was very uncomfortable and starting pouting and it made me feel bad that she wasn’t happy for me. When we broke up as friends she got a very similar floral arm piece on her arm in the same spot (as she expressed many many times that she loves the concept and placement). The tattoo was the initial memory. I was going to ask you if you peeped it.

Rachel has shown me in the past she is an opportunist and thrives off jealously. I hope she has changed for the better and that her intentions are good. I can’t control her intentions. But these are some of my memories.