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generalsdiary · 2 days

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what if ratio breaks down and falls apart?

Dr. Ratio (x Aventurine at the end)

warnings: mental breakdown

word count: 1.9k

a/n: lots of ppl seemed to like this idea so here it is, not beta read, ffs come home aventurine

description: Dr. Ratio breaks down (angst), Aventurine mentioned/shows up at one point (fluff dare I say)

his hands shook immensely with the keys in his hand, the heavy doors open and close. he can feel it. he can no longer hold on. being a victim of routine, he manages to push on just a few moments longer, to put away his bag, lock the door, and take off his shoes. few steps through the hallway and it is over. his body trembling as his chest swells up with pain and sadness, so many emotions mixed up in one. filling up in his throat like a peach pit, choking him and making it harder to breathe. he falls to his knees, his breathing heavy, rapid, and irregular. in moments like these, he knows how to take care of himself, how to help himself, how to fix this. but it is too much. he can't. he also... why does everyone get to break down but not him? he can barely breathe in and breathe out, as many thoughts fill his mind.

eyes filling with hot tears except he cannot cry that much, he has always been incapable of actually crying and letting it all out.

like a water dam overflowing and drowning him along with it. the dam filling with water and using it in useful ways until the workers don’t show up, the tools get clogged, old, and broken. the dam overflows. nature always comes back to take its due, to pick up the price, especially human nature.

he isn't enough. he will never be enough. it is a fool's job, what he is trying to achieve. how could he ever spread knowledge everywhere, making it available to everyone? how is that being realistic? hopeful fool, he knows better than to hope. an idiot. a failure. why did he even think he could be capable of doing that? the aeons were right to not recognize him, he isn't worth their attention- he keeps failing. isn't it the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? not enough. never enough. such expectations were put on him and he jumped to fulfill them- and when he didn't achieve the last one- to become a true genius, then he failed. failed the mold he was put in. failed the beliefs of everyone around him and their expectations. they were all wrong; everyone who said he could do something, become someone relevant, someone who matters and makes a significant change. and the things he did, well they were never perfect and always could have been done much better. for fuck's sake he fails his students, just how many get the actual knowledge, and how many give up? he isn't good enough, he should be better, and get the knowledge across in a way everyone would accept and know and learn. why is he not good enough? he keeps trying and it is never enough. not once has the universe said, ‘okay, you have done enough, you can rest now.’

why does he keep trying? and he is alone in all of it. who is there who cares for him- who puts his view of self aside, who can.. please.. who can please view him as a human.. a person.. just... as someone who doesn't need to be extraordinary- can he be loved in such a way, appreciated? who would care for him? when all that is said about him is that he is rude, when he only tells the truth and tries to help, he is told that he is insensitive, egotistical, and he is so far from it. why does everybody hate him? aeons, he hates himself. why was he born, created like this? it would've been so much easier to have been born an idiot, dumb, to work a normal job, and be happy.

he stares at an empty spot as these thoughts overtake him, and then he sobs as the next ones come... he wants to be held, oh so much. to be embraced, to be cared for, thought of in a positive way, for his name to be called with love. no one is enough, he isn't enough.

his thoughts keep spiraling in a whirlpool, almost like he is frozen in space. eyes fixed, hands shaking and the occasional warm tear falling down his cheeks, which are now red and hot.

his skin feels like it is burning, the clothes on him overwhelming him but he cannot move, it hurts, it all hurts. why does it hurt so much? this vicious cycle never ends. how could he stand up again when he is falling apart at the seams? is he worth it at all, the life he lives, if he cannot even help himself? he will never be enough. he wants to shout, to yell in frustration and anger- all swallowed in his throat while he continues to sit.. broken on the floor.

his thoughts become more incoherent, how could he.. why.. help.. not enough.. and so on. curses, hatred directed at himself, sorrow, and pity. his ears deaf at any sound, he is so lost in his mind, it is like he isn't even there.

this isn't the first time, but it was never this hard. he picked himself up before; standing, going automatically around his home to take care of his basic needs. but now he has no hope, no care for it, he cannot move. immobile and lost, so… so deep in this vortex.

the doors open and close. there's a voice, he doesn't even register it, “..tas?... home?”

the person makes a few more steps and sees Veritas, sitting on the ground. Veritas manages to register distant footsteps, rushed- it doesn't matter; he isn't even there. only his body is.

the person sits down in front of Veritas and hands him a glass of water. his eyes are unfocused, he appears still, hands on the floor with a slight tremor, cheeks shiny from the tears and a warm red color. instinctively he accepts the glass and drinks the water. the cool fluid makes him consciously blink and float back to the present moment. he registers the voice of the person in front of him.

“Veritas.. I'm here, good- the water is good for you- I'm here, alright?” his eyes focus on the blond man sitting in front of him. Aventurine's eyes are filled with worry and his hands cup Veritas' face, caressing slowly. his voice is calm, “you will be fine- I got you, okay?” Aventurine nods to himself more than to Ratio. his hand moves to the indigo hair, pulling his fingers through the soft locks in a comforting manner. Veritas' eyes are trained on him, full of pain and heartbreak, yet his face is neutral, so hurt.

“your head got to you again? I keep telling you- don't listen to it- it isn't right it only says mean things which aren't true. do you hear me?” the only thing he gets in response is a slow blink from the taller man. and it is enough.

“it tipped over, it isn't as bad as your head claims- don't listen to it, listen to me, focus on me. I’ve got you, I'm here-“ he pulls Veritas into his chest, cradling him in a way. “-and I'm not going anywhere”

fresh tears soak Aventurine's shirt. it hurts to be cared for, to be seen, and for that person to stay and not leave.. it feels undeserving and it just makes him cry harder. he sobs into Aventurine's shoulder, breaking down fully. his voice comes out high-pitched, breaking, “I... I.. it is so hard-” he sobs harder and tightly embraces Aventurine.

“I'm here, you will be okay, this will pass, I have you, don't- don't struggle against them, focus on me, please?” Aventurine pulls away to raise Veritas' chin and meet his eyes, those sunset eyes filled with tears. and he weakly nods.

“focus on me, my voice, Doc, focus on my voice. and I'm warm- you can feel it yes? my chest is warm and my hands- my scent- you can smell the perfume right? focus on me, ground with me. leave that dreadful place- it never did you any good.” he continues using safe words, repeating them, and when Veritas manages to get a grasp on reality once more; he feels empty, numb and Aventurine takes care of him. Aventurine helps him eat a proper meal, bathes with him where he holds him close against his chest, kissing his temple, and repeating that everything will be okay.

Aventurine holds him tightly in bed and whispers only the softest affirmations. before Veritas falls asleep, Aventurine mumbles kind words with his fingers in his hair.

he stays mostly awake that night, just in case Ratio wakes up in distress or from a nightmare. he doesn't mind it. he cares for him, if needed he'd pick his pieces up every day and help him put himself back together. Veritas is his, and he will always be there for him.

the morning turns out to be a slow one. Veritas would tiredly gaze at Aventurine, the blond man asleep into the late morning, and he wouldn't dare start his day- not yet, not now, not without him. Veritas' thoughts are slow this early in the day, they are quiet. he simply observes the younger man. finding some type of solace in it. he doesn't dare touch him as if the beautiful man was a statue made of glass and might break from a single touch.

when his eyes do open he hums and moves to press his face into Veritas' soft chest.

like it is the first time, Ratio is surprised, frozen for a few moments before he relaxes and embraces Aventurine.

“sleep well?”

he nods.

“I rescheduled my stuff, and I hope you will yours too-“, Veritas interrupts him, “..I did.” his voice quiet, monotone.

“today.. today will be easier, okay?” he raises his head, looking up. “I will be with you as long as you need and then some. please be kind to yourself. you need it” he whispers the last sentence and presses his lips into Ratio's cheek.

“I'll try... thank you.. for.. yesterday, dear gambler”

Aventurine nods, “I love you,” he says, easily, as if he didn't have to think those words through before he said them but it conveyed everything he wanted them to say. that he would be there for him, that he'd take care of him, that he would be his.

slight shock is obvious in Veritas’ eyes, that he would be loved gives him a stutter in his response. he feels so vulnerable, bare and naked in front of him. his emotions nude especially after being seen in the state he was in yesterday and despite that... or perhaps specifically because of it... Aventurine said that. with fear, felt on both sides, but also assurance that this is right, that it is a fact he softly says, “I... I love you too.”

beat. both staring into the other's eyes. Veritas cups his cheek. thumb drawing small circles, voice but a whisper, “please don't ever leave me” in that moment he is baren, vulnerable, his cards are on the table for the gambler to gamble off or hold tightly to his chest and fold.

Aventurine answers quickly with a small nervous smile, “the same goes for you too, Doc”

with all those emotions being so loud and scary, Veritas cannot keep up a coy act and even when he does Aventurine sees right through him.

“I promise” Veritas utters and seals it with a soft kiss.

#honkai star rail #dr ratio #hsr #dr ratio angst #analysis #dr ratio fluff #aventurine #aventurine x dr ratio #veritas ratio #aventio #raturine #ratiorine #comfort #veritas ratio angst

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trashcanwithsprinkles · 23 hours

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Zhongli playing the longest con in fucking history being a dragon sovereign and also an archon. Does he keep his powers? Like. Is that a thing? Does he fight to be victor of geo and end up with keeping it but being under celestias purview? Or is he straight up like. A reincarnation like Neuvillette like hi yes I am a normal mountain dragon adeptus god from Liyue here to fight in the archon war for a gnosis? I love this idea so much

it could be a neuvillette situation but i think the Longest Con only gets funnier the longer it goes on for? so for the sake of the Funny i'd like to think he's the Original sovereign. like- ignoring azhdaha (?). if he's the original guy, then it'd be like- he was among the first ones if not the first one to sort of see where things in the world were headed, and figured he stood a better chance at one day restoring order to this entire fiasco by just- playing along and going with the flow instead of rebelling and fighting a losing fight.

of course, this sort of comes into conflict with the gnoses' creation? bc they were made of the original sovereigns? so like. i guess you can always make the argument that, as a liyue creature, he could do the thing were he discards his mortal body and takes on a spiritual form? so like- he allowed his body to die, and then made up his human-esque form he has now to masquerade as a random god. so celestia would use his now empty dead body to make the gnosis, and it was only a matter of winning the archon war with his new identity and gaining the gnosis, which was essentially just getting his powers back only celestia had a sort of cctv on him at all times. thus truly beginning the Longest Con of pretending he was incapable of breaking celestia's hold over the gnosis and reclaiming his throne as the sovereign at any random point in time and playing along like he was some random god under their control. all the while he would've been like neuvillette pre-focalors' last act in terms of power, where he had the powers of the sovereign, he just lacked the authority (even though the gnosis was right there, but for the sake of the bit, he had to pretend he couldn't just reclaim it at any time)

it's so funny to think about. catch neuvillette being the first (after guizhong) to ever find out about the plan bc he came across zhongli one day (more like zhongli allowed himself to be found by him bc apparently canonically he can just avoid whoever he pleases in liyue) and tried to confront him as an archon and just like- zhongli would've just given him a Look, and neuvillette would've Known, and he would've just been left standing there while zhongli just walked away. neuvillette would've been too perturbed to really tell anyone and would've just like- avoided thinking about the situation until the Final Showdown or whatever.

fucking hilarious AU

#anyway #imagine this ends up being canon #hoyo you have the oportunity to do the funniest fucking play in history #please it would be hilarious #unlikely but still

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thesituation · 3 days

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It really fucking bums me out that so many transmascs on this site have become straight up MRAs. And they tend to be the same people who proudly identify as queer/fag/whatever but are incapable of being normal about lesbians. Like what the fuck do you mean, lesbians are our sisters??? How do you not have love in your heart for them??? Also side note, everyone forreal needs to start leaving lesbians the fuck alone, it’s CRAZY how much shit they get from almost every other group.

it’s a subset of ppl who are mad at not being “one of the girls” anymore & not having any real authority in discussions of misogyny i think

#answers

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66sharkteeth · 20 hours

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just wanted to say that last week's FP episode was such a great gut punch for me, my jaw dropped. it was beautifully done; Bell's and Jericho's stories being told simultaneously was a super effective contrast. Bell's side of things feels like acceptance of the flaws of the present society and moving toward progress in changing it, while Jericho's side feels like total rejection of the flaws of the present society and moving backward from progress to destroy it instead. thus we remain stagnant in this shitty status quo, and Jericho recreates his trauma around his autonomy being taken from him by doing the same to Bell in a way. AND in the process my favorite character is killed. augh it hurts :'-)

i've been a long time reader since the first version was posted on DA and man it's just cool as hell to see how this story has evolved. i really admire and appreciate your dedication to it. i've always found CoB a very unique concept with a ton of potential and i'm so grateful and SO excited to get to see it through to the end after all these years. it continues to impress me more and more as it progresses. i have the webtoon app exclusively to read this lol. thank you for all your hard work creating it!

i got a handful of asks about this week's episode, but i'm gonna respond to this one for now bc it's been sitting here for almost a month since i got it while it was still on FP

first off, i'm glad this ep hit w/ so many people! i'm gonna share my own thoughts soon, maybe tomorrow rather than my usual friday "weekly thoughts." a little off topic and TMI, but i actually got the worst food poisoning of my life last week and I've kinda just been a pile of mush incapable of coherent thoughts since. Today's the most normal I've felt since that all hit tho, so hopefully by tomorrow I'm capable of structuring thoughtful posts again.

But anyway, thank you! I put so much more of my brain power into that ep than I normally do and I'm glad it paid off haha. I'll elaborate more in my weekly thoughts, but it means a lot that people are appreciating it.

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it-may-be-dull-but-im-determined · 1 year

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is Farscape the sort of thing that takes a few episodes to find its groove? should i be patient if we're not besties right away?

(i'm prone to snap judgements and don't want to make a mistake here)

Ahhhh so Farscape can be a WILDLY interesting study in complete contradictions. I agree with everything Cat Valente says is brilliant about it in this thread and this very long and detailed essay about why you should watch Farscape and yet also I will sit there fast-forwarding great chunks of season one especially because the quality control from episode to episode is so wildly variable. When I say variable, I mean some episodes feel embarrassingly amateur at times, especially after twenty something years of higher budget, vaguely more evolved TV SF. Occasionally it doesn't know what show it's trying to be, or what show it was the previous episode. It has a terrible weakness for bad puns in episode titles. It can be trite. It can feel weirdly childish, for a show that is frequently about aliens fucking. It's really really very silly on occasion and I have a particularly very low tolerance for second hand embarrassment. Farscape can be frequently embarrassing, but the fact I'm still flailing about it after twenty something years despite that is kind of significant.

Because when it's good, it's so incredibly fucking high quality excellent. It's got all the chemistry, all the high stakes heists and the high melodrama sacrifice, all the dealing with grief and trauma and how do you deal with a legacy of repeated genocide and fascism. Everyone is a space criminal on a stolen sentient prison ship. What the fuck even is the greater good. How do you deal with being a parent. Most of the cast are emoting through inch thick layers of foam latex and the other half are wearing fetish gear (OR THEY'RE PUPPETS. OR CGI ORGANIC SENTIENT SPACESHIPS), but they're really fucking good at said emoting and it's still heartbreaking. It's been twenty years and I will still start crying if I so much as hear the season three version of the theme tune (oh god the theme song evolution).

The silly episodes throughout season one are even weirder because it does pretty much find its feet straightaway with the pilot ep - it's snappy and emotional and charming and clever, and yes the tropes are there but the tropes didn't have quite the same level of tired significance back in 1999? I watched that first ep and was cackling over how fucking fantastic it was. It was such a refreshing change in 1999 that it sailed me through any of the occasionally dodgy stuff that followed.

It's also very very... Aussie, which to me covers a lot of the humour and the sheer demented glee of what the creators wanted to run with? The cast has chemistry, in spades, and the characters flirt and fuck (and... one of them is a hot blue zen plant priestess who orgasms in bright light. Obviously.) and everything is just a little bit.. extra. It has an episode where everyone is a loony tunes cartoon. It has an episode inspired by A Clockwork Orange. It has small stabby robots. It's squelchy and makes fart jokes ALL THE TIME (mostly because one of the main puppets is a former emperor who farts helium and okay yep it's pretty funny. The other puppet is wise and kind and troubled and possibly complicit in war crimes. This fucking show I can't even).

...I'm just going to apologise for this essay, and say probably go read the Cat Valente thing because it includes much more key whether you should in fact watch Farscape information such as:

“They’re all gonna be Australian or Kiwi! Except for one guy! It’s basically gonna be a tour of Sydney’s underground club scene, even for the smallest parts! And I mean that, everyone is going to be wearing leather BDSM gear 24/7, even the heroes. I’M TELLIN’ YA WE GOT MAGDA SZUBANSKI! THIS THING IS GOLD! Literally, the whole color palette is like really gold. With most of a Crayola box taped on top of it. SPACE IS AUSTRALIAN NOW. ALL OF IT. DEAL WITH IT.”

there will be an almost unbelievable amount of goo involved. Like if there is a Goo Department, and anyone is left over after Nickelodeon’s job fair last week, we need all the goo.”

“Because of all the sex and violence that just barely doesn’t cross the decency lines we’re still kind of feeling out right now?”

“That, too. But mostly because we need all the makeup and then after we’re done turning regular humans a TON of nutbar colors, everything else is going to be just…dripping. All the time. Just drenched in slime. Good slime, bad slime, it will constantly be hard to say. But it’s like Coco Chanel always said, before you leave the house, look in the mirror and upend a bucket of colorful sludge over your head.”

#farscape #space is australian now #i am incapable of writing about this show normally #also i just realised it's no longer streaming ANYWHERE in the uk ffs #I HAVE TO DIG OUT MY DVD BOXSETS #god it's like it's 2007 all over again #i feel like i should stress that my super low tolerance for shows being embarrassing is the biggest issue here #coupled with the wild emotional rollercoaster of farscape quality #i didn't even mention john/aeryn because i'm trying to be normal about this #but i an incapable of being normal about it #also we won't talk about the fact it got cancelled with two seasons worth of plots left and then wrapped up in a four hour miniseries...#...but at least we got the damn miniseries and an ending. small mercies.

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burst-of-iridescent · 3 months

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zuko and katara’s narrative symmetry drives me insane every time i think about it, actually. you rise with the moon, i rise with the sun; her power waning as his grows, and vice versa. zuko becoming disillusioned with the fire nation as katara learns the truth about the evil that exists within the other nations. how they both orbit around the avatar, the emblem of all their hopes; katara pulling aang forward to his destiny while zuko pursues on the other end, driving him onwards. the way their parallel lines intersect at the end of every season before diverging once more, each one only able to rise when the other falls. circling one another, so close yet so far, until they finally come together in the agni kai, two halves becoming whole at the crux of their individual arcs and their journey together — balance forged in sacrifice, an eternal push and pull finally brought to stillness. and all of this beautifully personifying the show’s most fundamental themes in the process. how the fuck were they not canon.

#zutara #like i know why they weren't canon but HOW #i'm literally incapable of being normal about this

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piratecaptainscaptainpirates · 3 months

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When I think about Pete's character development too hard it makes me want to cry. He's just so sweet and wonderful and I'm love him.

The show really sets us up in the first episode to assume we know what Pete is going to be like. He's self-centered, he's an asshole, he's misogynistic and has a very over-inflated sense of self-importance. We assume he's going to push back against Stede the whole show.

And then we get to realize he's just...some guy. He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Once he realizes that no one's gonna make fun of him for doing unmanly things? He gets to cool the toxic masculinity angle waaaay down. We joke that gay sex fixed him but being in an environment where he gets to openly and safely love another man fixed him! He and Lucius are so sweet together, supporting each other and hyping each other up, and their relationship helps Pete feel comfortable expressing his vulnerability.

In season 2 Pete is just...the fucking best, guys. He's grumpy and snippy in the first episode because he's missing his boyfriend. He tells Lucius that he cried every night thinking he'd never see him again. He helps Roach and Wee John plan ways to cheer the crew up once they all get back together again. He's the one who says "would that make us horrible people?" when the crew decide to ditch the cursed suit with some other suckers. He gets to marry the love of his life. He's a helpful character who cares about the rest of the crew and wants to spend time with the man he loves.

Just...fuck, guys. I love Pete so much.

#ofmd #our flag means death #i think my dad (world's number one Pete stan) has made me incapable of being normal about Pete

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twink-with-an-agenda · 6 months

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the way they constantly haunt me. sick and twisted

#you don't UNDERSTAND i am incapable of being normal about these losers #theyre so awful I can't look away #also. not sure if i like how similar mercys hair colour is to her background #uhh here goes the reg tags #tlt #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #nona the ninth #john gaius #augustine the first #mercymorn the first #dios apate #my art

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vowofbrotherhood · 1 month

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assorted mcyt sketches

#id in alt #lifesmpmafia #mafia peeps #mafia gangs #double life smp #3rd life smp #last life smp #falsesymmetry #zombiecleo #bdoubleo100 #pearlescentmoon #inthelittlewood #joe hills #smallishbeans #ivorycello #i'm trying my best with the ids #i swear there was a reason why i drew pearl with the qliphoth fruit pls do not sue me #(part of the reason is that i'm incapable of being normal about my interests)#some of these also are based on a life smp mafia rp server i'm part of

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pelipper · 6 months

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Kenshi using his telekinesis to lift up and bring Johnny Cage closer to him so he can give him a big smooch.

#mortal kombat #mortal kombat 9 #kenshi takahashi #johnny cage #johnshi #i'm sorry i am just simply incapable of being normal about these two #i was rewatching kenshi's mk9 introduction trailer and when i saw this scene a vision came to me and i had to open photoshop #my gif #i'm using my editing skills for good #please read the image description too i added a little something extra in there ;)

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elfkissing · 5 months

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[ID in alt text]

He talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young

#bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 #wyllstarion #astarion #bloodblade #wyll ravengard #astarion ancunin #my art #my god this piece fought me until the bitter end #I could open a candy store with the amount of fudging I did on the lighting #whatever it’s worth it I’m incapable of being normal about them literally ever #go through my bg3 tag you will see. it’s half me trying to spread wyllstarion propoganda #oh also the gratuitous song lyrics in the desc are from when you were young by the killers. wyllstarion song forever to me

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aeoris4lovers · 11 months

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the quiet tragedy of verin being the one who never quite made it out.

for most of their lives, essek was the one who was entrenched in expectations, in the politics of their den. while verin was stationed far from the heart of the dynasty, ostensibly free from the eyes of his elders, essek was sitting beside their mother in court and speaking before the queen. and it made sense, because essek had always been better at all of it — the posturing, the sweet-talking, the ladder-climbing. his brother the black sleep was still his brother the prodigy; his brother the heretic was still his brother the shadowhand.

but then, essek meets new people and they get through to him and change him and make him softer, make him better (and why them? what is it about them, that they could do what verin never could?) and he runs. he gives up the title and the status and the power and leaves it all (leaves verin) behind.

suddenly, verin is the lone newsoul of den thelyss, the one with all eyes on him, with the expectations meant for two brothers falling squarely on his shoulders and only his in the absence of their other target. he is still the youngest of his den, the one they all watch and wait to be disappointed by, but there is no one to share that burden with anymore and all at once it becomes painfully clear that distance never really was freedom.

essek has a family, then — not a den but a family, with love and trust and care and warmth and all the things essek once called verin childish for craving — and a welcoming home to go to with someone who loves him waiting there and a garden in the front yard, and verin is left still fighting demons under the banner of a god (of a family, of a home) he only half-believes in.

and maybe they see each other more often then. maybe bazzoxan is remote enough that it’s safe for essek to visit in disguise. maybe essek’s friends come too and are kind enough to offer a taste of what essek has now and verin can almost believe it’s his too. maybe essek doesn’t even fight it anymore when verin insists on hugging him. but how much can that really fix? how much can it really change?

an unloved man leaves no one behind when he finally makes a better life for himself, but essek was never an unloved man. not really.

#listen i have a lot of feelings about verin #hes the kindhearted himbo of the family yes but he also is A Thelyss and weve seen the baggage that comes with #i think on the surface hed be thrilled for essek and love the nein #but it definitely wouldnt be an easy thing to stomach #i imagine its like the feeling of your sibling going to college and leaving you with your shitty parents but like. times a hundred #like ‘im so happy for you but i want to be happy for myself too and you getting out mightve just locked me in so where do we go from here’#fuck man sibling relationships are so messy im going feral #we never even get to SEE verin but he haunts the entirety of essek’s arc and im incapable of being normal about it #cr meta #verin thelyss #essek thelyss #the thelyss brothers #den thelyss #the mighty nein #c2 #critical role #critical role meta

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