#but have no idea if or when itll happen when every atom of you feel likes its being ripped apart from want and need and | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tumblunni · 5 years

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Ohhh fuckin geez at least let me has a pikachu

Today's update: still feeling all fucked up from Everything Happening At Once, also getting a migraine from all the stress the other day and how i basically didnt sleep for two days and then passed out today and lost the entire 24 hours. Like man i cant even say the family shit was yesterday?? It just feels that way cos i spent all of today either sleeping, crying or crying on the phone to the bank and the stupid online game store that took my money for pokemon preorder yet didnt send me the actual game. GAHHHH and ive forgotten to Eat Food for like the whole three days all this shit has been going down, aside from a handful of Starburst candy my sis gave me during our Big Awkward Moment. And the energy drink i chugged on the way there to meet her because Fuck I Need Awakeness To Comprehend This Shit. I think my stomach is exploding in on itself.

Anyway! ANYWAY!! Gahhh! Anyway!

Thank you mega fuckin big much to the friends who leant me money AGAIN, both to catch the midnight bus to meet a long lost sibling and also to fix this stupid game preorder bollocks. God what the fuck is up with my life? I feel so guilty asking for money and man you guys have leant me like 300 in the last 3 months! Fuck i hope this stupid cavalcade of finance problems stops soon and i can start paying you all back because JESUS CHRIST. I feel like my skin is melting off my bones whenever i think about how much i dont deserve such great friends! 'welp yeah theyre wonderful people, guess i lost an arm' You ever wanna cringe yourself into a little ball from embarassment? Yeah like that but so much that i disintegrate into atoms.

SO I HOPE! FOR FUCKIN GODS SAKE! That this stolen money zero game bullshit gets resolved soon. But there's no chance of it taking less than a week, so thank you SO MUCH for helping me place another preorder at a different more reliable shop! This is what i get for fuckin going bargain hunting aaa. I ordered pikachu version just in case the original order does somehow turn up, cos it was eevee version. But i got none of the preorder bonuses anymore and no pokeball controller on this. I guess maybe itll make my second playthru more fun if i can finally use the damn controller, haha! And this second copy is probably gonna arrive quite late now cos i missed the preorder window. But it should be either on saturday or monday which is way better than waiting a month or something chasing up this bullshit! And hopefully also in a week or two i will get the money back from selling alll those preowned games, and it can go towards A: GROCERIES and B: repaying bebst friends of reckless money giving. You guys are fuckin nuts, seriously!! And man god i hate that im still suffering this knock-on effect tight finances bullshit from the stupid mental hospital thing 3 months ago. I mean i failed to even last a month there and its cost me almost a thousand pounds in terms of stocking up the stuff to be able to move house temporarily, all the mobile data i had to use while being without internet while i was there, all the miscellaneous expenses along the way, and then all the bill debt and having to restock tolietries and groceries and everyries when i got back home. Sighhh! And i feel guilty that i bought a stupid warhammer starter kit around halloween and i still havent even opened it because The Guilt. Like man i should have somehow predicted there would be more money trouble and saved that money rather than make a selfish purchase. But like it was the cheapest beginners kit anyway and i even haggled a discount for getting the figures without the paint. And now im being selfish and getting this pokemon game!! Twice!! Because stupid fuckin online banking nonsense!! Godddd give me back my money so i can give it to my friendsssss

So yeah in summary Bunni Feel Bad and also Overwhelmed and also Bad. But hopefully stuff is sorted now. Gah!

Also probably will be some delay on doing a lets play of this new pokemon cos i dunno when its gonna arrive and also i feel Big Sick now and need to chug a paracetamol and eat a loaf of bread before i die. Hope i dont spend all weekend just passed out on the sofa from Too Much Braining In One Day. Srsly why did this all happen all at once...

Also i probably wont go with the idea of twin protagonists headcanon for this LP, cos the whole Untimely Lost Sibling Madness kinda made that a sore spot to think about. One good side of getting the version i didnt want is that i can pick the female protagonist if i get pikachu version, and go with the personality i was gonna use for the female sibling. Cos actually it seems that your rival dude's perosnality is kinda simular to what i was gonna do for the male sibling? Could just have that sort of relationshup as a best buddies thing. And playing as a sassy roughhousing jock girl protag is gonna be more fun than playing The Nice And Shy Dude which is basically what i always do in every game cos its just me??? Would get more fun character lets player contrast with protagonist Darcy.

Also fuck i am gonna have SO MUCH to talk about in this first episode! Watchers who dont follow me on tumblr are gonna be so confused. "Hey youtube i just got out of mental hospital and found my long lost sister who thought i was dead, anyway never mind that lets talk about pokemon! I was gonna say i dont have any baby pictures of me when the original Pokemon Yellow came out, but here's the one i found on a facebook obituary for myself yesterday..."

What the fuck is my life, seriously?

Also if my starter ends up being a male pikachu im gonna name it Chuppy after my original one in pokemon yellow. And if its a girl i'll call it Ghostwriter after my mimikyu and pretend that its a mimikyu that just has an extra high quality disguise. Seriously, picturing all of these cute antics and tiny costumes on mimikyu makes it all even sweeter to me! I love ghosties!!

LOL I JUST REALIZED MAYBE IM A GHOST TRAINER COS I WAS "DEAD" ALL THESE YEARS AND DIDNT KNOW IT

Seriously man if there are any parents out there reading this, dont fuckin lie to your 4 year old that her sibling is dead just because the dad divorced you. There are no words for how fucked up this is. Except 'oh i guess thats why my favourite digimon frontier character is duskmon'. I fuckin thought that plot was unrealistic when i first watched it! XD actually i think duskmon is straight up my favourite digimon design and the one i'd probably pick as my partner, even though i prefer Impmon's plot from the third season. I kinda wanna go make a fanmade full evolution line for Duskmon now?? Man why am i getting so wildly off topic!

I really need to eat a food and sleep a sleep

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lukeysgirl · 7 years

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Relentless | Calum Hood Series Pt.13

Part T H I R T E E N

Request: Being the cousin of Ashton Irwin was exciting, especially when invited to their tour to hang out with his best friends. You found yourself becoming fond of Calum Hood, who finds you annoying from your constant appearance. But what would happen if you stopped giving him that attention?

Word Count: 2k+ (the lowest count itll ever be tbfh)

A/N: sorry that this part is shorter than the others !! i wanted it to be juicy but not too revealing aha. i hope you guys enjoy this one and please get this to 100 notes. i think this part will make ya stir xx

Parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. [DONE]

I M A G I N E

Tokyo, 1:30 A.M.

“I can’t believe we got a schuite here!” Calum slurred as you trotted to your suite. Calum had his arm draped over your shoulder, weighing you down a bit in his drunken state. After his lustful performance with you, he did a few more solo-stage performances until he concluded he was tired. So here you were, struggling to keep you and your boyfriend up until you made it into the room.

“Calum, at least... try to stand on your own,” you groaned, slipping the key card into the lock to open the suite door. Entering, you turn on the lights to find a beautifully lavish suite before you.

“I’m sorry, beautiful, I jus... my legs don’ work right now,” Calum said with a snort, having you shake your head as you trotted over to the large, king-sized bed you got. You tossed him on it, having his body seem limp once on the bed.

“So I see.” Panting, you look down at the drunk and hiccuping Calum Hood before you. He sat up a bit, looking at you with tired eyes as he opened his arms out to you. He bent his fingers consistently, pouting as you wouldn’t go forward to give him the hug.

“Baby, c’mere!” He pleaded, bloating up his cheeks as he stared into your eyes. You were a little surprised by their intensity, but one can never deny the potency of those almond orbs. Shaking your head, you walk over and allow your boyfriend to wrap his arms around your waist.

“There, are you happy now?” You asked, a touch of annoyance in your words. You felt Calum lightly jab the tips of his fingers into your flesh, having you study his raven hair as he leaned his face against your thigh. You felt him begin to kiss your leg, listening the consistent kissy noises while you looked down at him. “Calum, are you okay?” You asked, a much more lightness in your voice.

“I am,” he said, his mouth muffled upon your thigh. He nuzzled his nose against your thigh as well, almost cat-like. “I just really adore you.”

“Oh?” You began with pleasant shock in your voice. You decided, out of pure curiosity and nothing more, as to what parts of you made him adore you. It seems like taking advantage, but you like to think of it as making the most of a ‘good time.’ “What do you adore about me then, Cal?”

“Well, there’s alotta things to adore about you, Y/N,” Calum spoke against your thigh, feeling the vibration of his voice. “Your smile is the warmest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life, that’s one. You’re also the kindest girls I’ve ever really met. Your encouragement for our shitty bond was beyond me, and I’m pretty sure the other boys. You believed in us so much, I swear I coulda exploded in pure bliss because of you.”

“Yeah?” You began softly, weaving your fingers through his hair.

“Yeah,” Calum mumbled softly. “Hey baby, can you make me some food please? I’m hungry.” You growled at the subject change as you unpeeled him from you. He whined quietly before starting to take off his shoes. You giggled at his really bad attempt to rip them off his feet as you went to the kitchen. You looked through the cabinets to see ingredients held in them to make basic sushi.

Sushi it is then. As you began to slice a filet of salmon you found in the fridge, you watched Calum from the counter. He was on the bed, sat in a pretzel, while staring distantly at the large glass window. It exposed all of Tokyo, seeing as his head was directed towards the Tokyo Tower. You wondered what was roaming his mind, but didn’t really want to interrupt his distance.

“Hey, Y/N...” Calum began softly, shifting his head to glance back at you. You tilted your head upward, stopping your slicing motion with ease. “What would you have done if I didn’t realize how in love I was with you and didn’t tell you?”

You froze. What would you have done? Could you have stuck around with the boys with the unbearable pain of rejection? Would you have wanted to deal with that? Would Ashton have let you leave anyways? This questions were throbbing your mind, having you shift your eyes back down to the fish to resume cutting.

“I dunno...” You muttered. “It feels like such a distant memory now... I have no idea what I would have done.”

“Probably go and hook up with Michael,” Calum coolly suggested. You darted your eyes back at the Maori boy, seeing his cheeks bloat up with insecurity. Quickly washing your hands, you slam your hands down on the black counter.

“Excuse me, what?” You asked.

“Michael was crushing on you so hard,” Calum spat. “Didn’t you notice how he was near you almost all the time? Trying to impress you with his singing and guitar skills? It was absolutely disgusting.”

You felt this random rage build up inside you. Moving away from the counter, you rush over to Calum and grab his face the way he does to you. His cheeks nearly touched from how big they were. Shock built in his eyes as he stared into yours.

“First things first: Michael was never crushing on me,” you spat. “He is with Crystal, and he seems very happy to find himself with a girl like her. To further, you were being a dick to me and that hurt my feelings beyond anything I’ve felt before. He was always around me because he didn’t want you ruining my mood all the fucking time!”

“Now, for the next thing...” you began, sighing to relieve yourself from that sudden anger. “I fell in love with you, dumbass. Even if Michael did have a crush on me, it wouldn’t change my feelings for you. My stupid heart was entirely set on you, and if it hasn’t changed since secondary school, it definitely wasn’t going to change anytime soon. Especially being in your presence again-- I definitely couldn’t kill my feelings for you, Calum, because I’m in love with you. Truly, deeply, unconditionally, I just love you so much, Calum. I do.”

You watch as Calum was found frozen. You were a little horrified, letting his face go while watching his shocked expression. His lips were slightly parted, presenting a sliver of his pearly whites. His brown orbs were set on yours, with some sort of shiny gloss around them. Oh no, is he gonna--

“I’m sorry, Y/N!” Calum began to cry, his eyes drowning in his tears. You looked down at him, worry washing over you as you grabbed his head and quickly pressed it on your tummy.

“Calum, no, please don’t cry!” You tried, weaving your fingers through his hair softly. “I didn’t mean to be so aggressive with you-- please stop crying! I don’t like it when you cry!” Slowly, his sniffing became quiet, with his hands pulling on your shirt. It was so strange to see Calum drunk and become filled with emotion so suddenly. It pained you to cause tears in those very eyes.

“Only you can make me cry like this.” Eh? You pull Calum’s face from your stomach to look at him. His face was moist with tears, but he was no longer crying. He was now focused into locking eyes with you, his tone stern and quiet.

“Wh-what?” You asked in a whisper.

“I care so much about how you feel that it stabs me in the heart if you’re ever mad or upset with me,” Calum muttered. He tilted his head down, studying the floor and your feet before he resumed his strife. “I know you used that voice just to get through to me, but my heart couldn’t help and stop once it heard you go stern. I finally got you, even through all my stubbornness, and I really don’t want to lose you anytime soon. You mean so much to me, love...”

“Calum...”

“I need you to know how much I love you right now, Y/N!” Calum growled, his eyes still locked on yours. You flinched at his aggression, having you let go of his head. But Calum quickly collected them in his hands and gave them a gentle squeeze.

“You might think I’m crazy because I’m super fucking drunk right now!” Calum said with a hearty laugh. “But all these words for you are completely sober. I love you, and I love everything about you. Your eyes and the way they study me with this infatuation I don’t deserve. Those soft lips and the way they contort in order to utter words. How your nose crinkles when it’s itchy or when you cry. Oh fuck, and the way you just pull your hair back when you’re simply bored, it’s absolute magic to me.”

“I know Ashton is still very skeptical of me,” Calum said, a faint smile playing at his lips. “But I’ll prove to him that I am worthy of every single atom that makes up you and your vast thoughts and beautiful person. I swear I’ll prove that I deserve you more than anybody in this earth.”

You watch as Calum laid down on the bed once more. His hands slipped away, letting yours go with warmth and light sweat. He flattened his back on the bed, bending his legs to place them on the bed as well. His eyes began to flutter shit, with small blinks keeping Calum awake.

“Are you not hungry anymore, Calum?” You asked your boyfriend softly, having Calum shake his head ‘no.’ You smiled, grabbing the decoration blanket from the couch to drape it on Calum. You walked over to the side of the bed, getting on your knees to lean your elbows on the bed. You watched as the boy was slowly, but surely, falling into a deep slumber.

“Haa... mmm...” Calum hummed, his eyes barely open. You could see a sliver of those eyes shine through, but he was definitely half-asleep. You couldn’t help but smile at the sleepy boy. He looked so at peace, with his eyes finally closing to hide the whites of his eyes. But a sudden disturbance occurred in his dreams as he began to fidget uncomfortably.

“Calum...” You cooed, cupping his cheek in high hopes that your touch with soothe him. But he let out small groans, almost like cries.

“I love... her...” Those words escaped from his lips. His jaw suddenly twitched, having you begin to remove your hand slowly. “I’m sorry... N--”

The next thing he said made you widen your eyes completely.

7:22 A.M.

The entire morning, you had to help Calum try to stand for a fair few minutes. Medicine was asked for as well as water bottles were brought. The boys were all awake and fled to you for some support. But you couldn’t help but think about Calum’s sleep talking.

“Y/N, are you gonna cook something?” Michael groaned, laying down on the couch with his eyes completely shut. You nodded, silently walking over to the kitchen to take out the cut salmon you had prepared last night.

“Sushi?” Luke groaned, his eyes barely open as he watched from the kitchen counter. His arms were crossed on the counter, with his head basically buried in them. “That seems... appropriate.”

Ashton nodded from the other couch across from Michael, one of his legs hanging off the couch as he rested his hand on his forehead. You were surprised that they were even able to get up and change themselves. But then again, these boys have been in the business for a while now. They’re used to the pain, you reckon.

But as you prepared the sushi, you could feel Calum’s intense gaze on you. He, in fact, joined Luke on the counter just to get a closer look at you. Taking some sort of random hint, Luke stole the bed to himself to leave you and Calum alone. His almond eyes tried to melt into you, but you couldn’t be shaken.

You already were shaken up as is.

“Y/N.” Calum spoke, his voice low with a touch of pain from his throbbing mind. It was also much weaker than last night.

“Mm.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You don’t act like this. What is it, seriously?”

“Tired.”

“You don’t act like this when you’re tired, Y/N.” Calum exclaimed, the loudest he’s been since the party. He slammed his clenched fist, almost gently, on the counter, studying you with heavy potency.

“M’sorry.” You were clinging onto these 1-word responses as you didn’t have any more to say to the Maori boy. He couldn’t divert his eyes from you, curiosity burning through you as you prepared the sushi. The boys also felt the weird tension, too, as they tried weaving Calum in their conversation to leave you be. But Calum was set on staring at you.

As you finished the sushi and let the boys eat, you couldn’t help but feel distant from them. Your mind was so trapped in thought. You chose to eat by the large windows, staring down at daytime Tokyo alone. The boys’ eyes were on you, but you couldn’t be bothered to react to them.

Who is she? You thought. The voice he muttered... It was killing you not to know. But you couldn’t just ask Calum, could you? He is your boyfriend, but wouldn’t that be too personal? You were sure that your curiosity would destroy you someday.

Suddenly, a familiar ring tone interrupted the conversation and your thoughts.

“Who the fuck is calling you at this time, Cal?” Michael groaned, chewing on his sushi as the other boys agreed. So it’s Calum’s phone.

“Fuck...” Calum cussed under his breath, grabbing his phone to stare at it. You watched him from the reflection of the glass as Calum rushed out of the suite and closed the door.

“Hey, Y/N,” Ashton called to you softly. He joined you at the window, having you glance over at him. His eyes were soaked with worry. He was holding one of his rolls in his hand while studying your eyes. “Are you okay, like actually?”

“Mm, I am,” you replied. You stuffed your mouth with another roll as you looked distantly at the entirety of Tokyo. “I just had a long night taking care of Drunk Calum.”

“Yeah, but it’s obviously not just that,” Ashton cooed. “I know you, baby cuzzo, you can’t fool me out of everyone.” He placed his large hand on my head and gave it a gentle pat. You puffed your cheeks a bit, feeling a bit frustrated from Ashton’s real talk and your thoughts.

“I just... I’m curious about something,” you hummed at Ashton. Looking over, you saw Michael and Luke staring at the both of you. You beckoned them over, having them jump off the couches and join you two on the floor. They held their stern faces, noticing that the conversation was serious.

“What’s up? You can trust us!” Michael spewed. You smiled politely, not too wide but not so frigidly small.

“It’s regarding Calum though...”

“Then we’re the guys you’re looking for,” Luke said with kindness in his tongue. You nodded sheepishly, holding up one of the rolls in reticence to eat it. Taking a fairly deep gulp, you turn to face the boys.

“Did Calum date while I wasn’t around?” You asked softly. “Maybe not right when you guys became famous, but for the last 1-2 years?”

“He fucked around, but he never really dated,” Michael pointed out, his fingers holding his chin in thought.

“He wasn’t the type to commit after the first few years of our career,” Ashton said simply. “Messed around, but surely didn’t want a girlfriend. Are you insecure, Y/N?”

“N-no, that’s not it...”

“I doubt Y/N is insecure,” Luke said with a chuckle. “Calum just danced on her sexually last night. She’s definitely not insecure if he did all that to her.”

“Don’t remind me of that traumatizing experience, okay.” Ashton growled, having Michael and Luke laugh at the drummer. His face softened up a bit, hazel eyes studying you once more. “But seriously, what’s up?”

“I don’t want to seem intrusive--” You began, feeling shyness invade your body with ease.

“It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” the boys said simultaneously. Shyly, you put your sushi roll down to weave your fingers together. Your eyes lost themselves on the floor, studying the carpet with slight delirium.

“Okay, well...” you began quietly. “Who is Nia?”

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