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pomefioredove · 21 days

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Hi !! I love your writing! I think you've nailed the twst characters personalities really nicely <33

So if possible, I'd like to have some hcs Sebek, Ruggie, Jack, Jamil and Deuce would realize that they have a crush on the reader (in which the reader is basically their closest friend atp) and how'd they'd react to it. Would they be the type to shove it back down or get it over with? Something else entirely, maybe??

Hope this isn't too much. Thank you in advance! Take all the time you need!

hii first off thank you so much!! <3 and ofc ofc I LOVE pining (and friends to lovers?!)

pomefiore part

summary: how they would have a crush on you type of post: headcanons characters: deuce, jack, ruggie, jamil, sebek additional info: romantic, reader isn't specified to be yuu except in sebek's part because I found it funny, reader is gender neutral, deuce is a cutie patootie

𝐃𝐞𝐮𝐜𝐞 𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐝𝐞

oh, he is in utter turmoil about this

on one hand: he really, really likes you

you're such a wonderful person

the kind of partner he'd be proud to introduce to his mom

on the other hand...

he really, really doesn't want to mess this up

you already have such a great thing going on as friends!

if he ruined that, he would literally never forgive himself

and Ace would make fun of him for it until the very end of time itself

so, of course he just sits on these feelings. maybe if he focuses on something else, they'll go away?

spoiler alert: they do not

they definitely do not

if anything, trying to ignore them just makes it worse for him; suddenly he's becoming an entirely different person around you

it's like a switch is flipped the second you're in the room

he becomes clumsy, easily flustered, can barely string a sentence together

Ace gives him hell about it, of course

and when there's no hope of hiding it any longer, he just confesses

(not that it wasn't obvious already... but for his sake, you'll have to pretend like it's shocking news)

𝐉𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐇𝐨𝐰𝐥

he's actually... pretty upfront about it?

once he's got his feelings on the matter sorted, anyway

...which takes him a few weeks

when he first recognizes his crush on you, he pours himself into his training

not as a distraction, really; he just finds it easier to think when he's working out

he really does want to think this one through

much like Deuce, Jack understands that he'd put the friendship at risk if he were to confess

unlike Deuce, however, he's somewhat aware that ignoring and hiding is a coward's way out, and will only push you away

so, once he's very sure about his feelings, he confesses

it's not exactly like a confession, though

more of a... lecture?

just informs you that he's developed feelings, doesn't want them to affect the friendship, and leaves the decision up to you

won't freak if you don't reciprocate, but... he might be a little bummed out

okay... more than a little

𝐑𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐢𝐞 𝐁𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐡𝐢

first thought: he doesn't have time for this

Ruggie has a job, school, and a whole neighborhood to feed back home

now a partner? no, that's completely out of the question

besides, it's not like you'd ever reciprocate. who'd wanna spend every date eating dandelion salad?

no one, that's who

of course he doesn't bother asking, but he assumes that goes without saying

but he's busy enough to put those feelings on the back burner and deal with them some other day

...if only he wasn't so distracted by thoughts of you, that plan might have worked!

by his third slip-up, Leona's had enough and demands he's gotta sort out whatever's bothering him if he ever wants to show his face there again

(he might've been in a bad mood)

but, unfortunately, Ruggie knows he's right

it's better to be rejected now than to spend the rest of his school days mulling over it

so, he just spills the beans, as plain and simple as possible

tries to walk away as soon as he's done so he doesn't have to see the look on your face

you can imagine his surprise when you pull him back

𝐉𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥 𝐕𝐢𝐩𝐞𝐫

actually has a pretty similar reaction to Ruggie

Jamil can't possibly fathom having a partner in a world where he doesn't even have his own freedom

in a sense, he just doesn't want to drag you into his life

in another, more important sense, he would be devastated if you rejected him

so he just... ignores it

of course, Jamil knows that pretending the feelings aren't there won't do much, but he doesn't really have a lot of options

he's not one to talk through his feelings, after all

not that anyone asks...

and his ability to interact with you as if nothing is different is astonishing

even if it feels like he's melting inside

though, you may catch him smiling more at you these days

he just can't help himself

when he's got his other stuff sorted, you'll be next on the agenda

𝐒𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐤 𝐙𝐢𝐠𝐯𝐨𝐥𝐭

you claim to have no magic, and yet you bewitch him into caring about you just as much as his liege?!

well... maybe not as much...

but close! very close!

even admitting that to himself feels like high treason

nonetheless, you have to be something very special to distract him from what he calls his "true purpose in life"

he sees you and feels... ill?

he's light-headed, he's dizzy, his stomach feels funny...

and he's been thinking about you more so than usual

yes, you're friends... he'll even admit he's grown quite fond of you in comparison to the other people you call "friends"

but this is... unusual

surely, you've placed some kind of curse on him!

Silver is the first to hear about it

poor boy is too tired to deal, and so he passes on the problem to Lilia

who just chuckles and makes a lot of odd references and metaphors that no one of this century would understand

no, Sebek has to come to the conclusion that he likes you all on his own

(like-likes you)

and after some pestering from Lilia, he admits that perhaps you and he could protect Malleus... together!

(he's going to have to work on the wording of that confession)

#twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #deuce spade x reader #jack howl x reader #ruggie bucchi x reader #jamil viper x reader #sebek zigvolt x reader #queued

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the-guilty-writer · 1 year

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Seven

Aaron Hotchner x platonic!GN!reader

Summary: “No one should have to function like this. Someone should fight for you. You deserve for someone to fight for you.”

A/N: Apparently I just really like naming my work after numbers. Prompt from my poll a few weeks ago! Ya'll picked Hotch and I’m not mad about it at all! I don’t usually do dedications, but I think this is worthy of one. The piece revolves around physical chronic pain, but the emotions in this can be applicable to many situations: so to all those who need it, i hope you find comfort in this piece.

CW: Reader experiences chronic pain, feelings of unworthiness, takes medication

---

Seven.

On a scale from one to ten, your pain was a seven. On normal days is was a four, maybe three if you were lucky. You called your doctor if it was above a six for a few days and your medication wasn’t working. The only time it was worth it to go to the ER was when you reached a nine - anything less and they didn’t take you seriously. Today, you were at a seven.

With every breath, the oxygen that washed into your lungs fueled the fire that burned you from inside out. The medication that should have kicked in hours ago didn’t ease the sensation; you’d taken the pills in the middle of the night when agony woke you from your slumber. The drugs made you feel high out of your mind, but at least they worked. By the time you’d have to get up, the worst of the side effects would be gone and the excruciating suffering would have deadened itself to a more manageable ache. But not today.

Today, you sat at your desk in the bullpen, fighting back tears. With every slight movement you made the pain washed through your body like acid. All you could do was go on, wishing that you had taken the day off. You could have called in sick, but there was something about the pile of files on your desk that forced you to come into work; the longer it took to get a profiles out, the longer it would take to stop the killers and the more lives could be lost. You wouldn't let that happen.

If one was to put it simply, you always put the needs of others before your own. Your greatest blessing and your greatest curse in one.

A notification came up on your phone - a reminder that the team was gathering for a meeting. The walk from your desk to the conference room was less than 100ft, but even the idea of standing made you want to cry. It was painful to think about walking, and you honestly weren’t sure if you’d make it up those five stairs without throwing up. You’d made the journey before, though, even on bad days.

But today you had reached a new level of anguish. Through the past few months, the pain had been slowly intensifying - so slowly that you didn’t recognize it until you did. It was as if you were a child who didn’t realize how many seashells they had collected until they were halfway back down the beach, only noticing the extra strain when they didn’t have enough energy to carry the bucket any longer; the gradual desensitization to the weight caused it to go unnoticed until the body could no longer pretend that it didn’t exist.

Still, you gathered your papers like another beautiful shell to add to your overflowing bucket and stood to go to the conference room. Every fiber of your body screamed. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes, but you still stood from your desk. Every time your heel hit the floor, lightning struck through your body, and with every step the voltage increased.

When you found yourself at the bottom of the staircase, your breath was uneven, hands shaking ever so slightly. The metal of the railing was shockingly cold under your palm, not making it any easier to hide how raw your body was to any sensation. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, preparing for the painful ascent.

“(Y/N)?”

You paused and looked up to the man who stood outside his office at the top of the stairs. “Sorry I’m late,” you said. The waver in your voice would have gone unnoticed if you were anywhere else but the bullpen of the BAU. Nothing went unnoticed in the bullpen of the BAU.

Hotch tilted his head slightly- the action itself softened his entire demeanor. But you didn’t want him to be soft right now. You wanted him to tell you to get your ass to the conference room, that everyone was allowed to be late just once, that the team was on a deadline and-

“Are you okay?”

“I-” Your breath faltered before increasing in speed. “I-” The hand on the rail took on a little more weight than before. “I’m-” Your throat closed, unable to speak the lie you so badly wanted to tell, but couldn’t. One more attempt at a deep breath that was severely shallow. “No.”

And just like that, you began to fall apart. Your mind, clouded with pain, didn’t quite register what was happening. It could only pick out the small things; files no longer being in your hands, the sound of an old office chair’s wheels, the smell of a freshly pressed suit, and gentle hands guiding you.

“Sit down.” It was odd to hear your boss’s voice in such a gentle manner, but you were in no state to be shocked and in no position to deny his order. So you sat, resisting the urge to curl up in a ball as soon as you hit the seat. You tried to think about your breaathing once again, having to focus a little too much on a function that the body should do automatically.

“Here,” it was Hotch again, pressing a bottle of water into your hands. “Drink this.”

If you felt better you might make a joke about poison, but you didn’t. You instead, drank the water- room temperature. Somehow you managed not to spill it all over your shirt. Hotch gently took the bottle back and you heard him set it down on the desk.

When you opened your eyes, you were met by the sight of your boss looking at you with concern. You let out a sigh. You hated that look. Even though Hotch was well aware of your condition, it was different for someone to see you experiencing it in real time… shattering your idea that if no one ever saw it, then it didn’t actually exist. You never actually suffered.

“Do you have your medication with you?” Hotch asked.

“I already took the maximum dose,” you whispered, feeling the hopelessness weigh on your chest.

“I’ll take you to the ER,” he started, getting up from where he was sitting across from you.

“No,” you said, swallowing to contain the pain from escaping your tone. “I’m only at a seven.”

Hotch paused and sat down again. “What do you mean?”

“When you go to the ER they ask you to rate your pain on a scale from one to ten,” you told him. “I only go if I'm at a nine. Right now I'm at a seven.”

You met Hotch’s gaze. Even with its softness, it was still soul piercing. As if he was looking right through your eyes, reading the thoughts written across your mind.

“You’re in pain.”

“As long as I can function, it isn't worth the fight.”

“No one should have to function like this. Someone should fight for you. You deserve for someone to fight for you.”

A pause stood between you and your boss, his words hanging in the air long after he had finished speaking. Never, in your life, had you been confronted by such deep sympathy at once.

As a child, you had hidden your pain so well that no one would have ever known it was there unless you told them. The pain grew as the years went on, but every cry for help was shut down. Complain and you were a burden, other people had it worse, you weren’t worth the trouble. So you kept it to yourself.

Until now.

With tears in your eyes, you nodded at Hotch. He helped you rise from the chair, careful to support you without causing further pain. You stood carefully, clenching your jaw to keep from screaming.

The manila folders caught your eye. “My files-”

“Reid can handle your files,” Hotch said softly, as he helped you move slowly toward the glass bullpen doors.

“The meeting-”

“Morgan can lead the meeting.”

“There are consults-”

“Prentiss can do your consults.” Hotch opened the door for you.

“Are you sure?” you asked.

The question was deeper than it appeared on the surface; are you sure I can miss work? Are you sure I’m not bothering you? Are you sure I’m worth it?

Hotch took your hand gently. “Yes.”

#criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x platonic!reader #aaron hotchner x gn!reader #hotch x reader #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds x platonic!reader #criminal minds x gn!reader

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happysadyoyo · 7 months

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Once again, this is @pillowspace's AU that I'm kinda going AWOL with. I just want to make something a little more cheerful after leaving Y/N struggling to get home last night.

Clone AU is being a bit prickly, but I think that's mostly cause I want to draw for it rn and I'm still in the throes of color separations whenever I have a spare moment on my tablet. But that'll be done soonish I think? By the end of the week for sure because I need to start making my mylar sheets soon.

Time Loop whump fic will likely be pecked away at throughout the day to deal with school stress. This is just a quick palette cleanser since to me HD Y/N is a bit in the middle personality-wise.

TL is a lot more extraverted and kind, and Clone is the one most likely to cause the DCA to experience the first animatronic heart attack if they ever spoke because every other word would be fuck. HD is one of those people who recognizes the struggle they're in, but they can also find the good moments and appreciate them all the more while giving the bird to everything making life actively harder for them and their little brother.

"You sure you're fine." Gretchen sounds doubtful, but you smile and keep working.

"Positive. Look, nothing really happened in the grand scheme of things, right? I'm not hurt."

"Your hand is bruised, and you had to cancel your cards," Gretchen says, and to prove a point, she grabs your hand.

You flinch, pulling back. "I made it home in one piece and nothing really valuable got stolen," you reply archly, shoving the last of the books towards your friend. "Go put these away. I need to check the computer room to make sure no one needs help."

"This conversation isn't over," Gretchen warns, even as she pushes the cart away. The library is fairly quiet at this point in the day, early in the afternoon, before school is let out and you all get inundated with kids and teens looking to kill a couple hours before their parents get home. It's the perfect time to make sure everything is clean and ready for kids to play.

The computer room is actually pretty quiet, though there is one brightly colored splotch of a person in the corner. You can hear them tapping slowly at the keyboard as you check each computer, wiping things down and logging out of a couple accounts. Eventually, you've made it to the corner with the stranger, struck by just how tall they are.

"Is everything all right?" you ask brightly.

"O-oh!" The stranger is clearly startled, so you take an extra step back, just for safety. "Yes, sorry. I think we, I, signed up for an hour? Has time. passed that fast?"

"No, sorry. There's a timer in the corner, here." You tap at the monitor helpfully. "I didn't mean to confuse you. I just wanted to know if you needed any help."

The stranger doesn't reply, instead fidgeting with what you're guessing is a scarf around their face. "Is your hand okay?" They ask, and you quickly withdraw it, tucking it close to your chest. "I don't mean to pry. It just looks painful."

"Ah, well." You grimace, remembering that Gretchen is going to be on you the moment she's done with her returns. It's easier to hide in the computer room, and besides, what's the likelihood this stranger will talk to her? You decide to sit, still achey from last night and exhausted from a lack of sleep. "I was mugged last night."

"You were what?" The horror in their voice is less grating than it was with your friend, and when you smile, it just feels tired, not forced. "You can't possibly be okay after that!"

"I kind of have to be. It's making some of my duties today a little harder though. I can't exactly balance heavy boxes with this hand, and my coworkers are sweet, but if I don't do my work, I think they're going to send me home." You curl and uncurl your hand slowly, biting the inside of your cheek to keep from grimacing. "And I need the money, so. Here we are, you know?"

"Here we are," they agree, a bit distractedly. They pecked at the computer a little longer, apparently thinking as they suddenly turn back to you. "I can help you move those boxes. I-if you'd like I mean."

"Oh?" You pause, thinking. "Oh, uh. Sure! If you're sure that is. I --- yeah, it'd be really helpful, but you don't have to. You signed up for the computer and oh fuck, I've just started spilling my guts out to you."

They flinch when you curse, muttering something in the middle of your rambling before holding up one gloved (gloves indoors?) hand. "It's all right. We, I, like to help. Just point us in the right direction."

"Okay," you saw, drawing the word out until it's more a sound than a word. "You can help this time. But I'm going to have to do something in return."

"That's not really---"

"Nuh uh," you interrupt, wagging a finger (from the unbruised hand), in front of their face. "Fair's fair, and if you're helping me, I'm helping you. Consider this a rain check."

"Fine," they say, turning to log out of the computer. When they stand, you feel very, very small. "Lead the way, Mx. Librarian."

"That's Librarian Clerk to you," you say, a little teasingly. You do take point, walking through the library to where you and Gretchen had packed away the Halloween decorations. "And what do I call you?"

"Sun," they say, and they take the first of three boxes without so much as a grunt of exertion. Tall and strong. If you were a lesser person, you would be jealous. Maybe you are anyway.

"Sun," you repeat, and it's an unusual name for this unusual not-quite-a-stranger. You lead them towards the back, fiddling with your keys to find the one for the storage closet. "It's very nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too."

#human disguise au #dca #fnaf dca #fnaf daycare attendant #daycare attendant

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stormoflina · 7 months

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Domi interview, part 5 (final part)

About loneliness

D: "Whoever says they don't ever feel lonely, is lying. There are moments, when I feel lonely. Sometimes, there are days, when I'm sitting at the sofa, thinking "well, what do i do, they don't [friends] have time, they are not here", I haven't been here that long that I would just say it to somebody let's hang out. In dayslike these, I put on a movie and hope that I can fall asleep quickly and tommorrow can come quicker. There are days like that, they are not easy."

About getting recognized

I: "At the moment, in Liverpool or Manchester, can you just walk down the street [without being recognized]? Back in Hungary, Budapest, it wouldn't really work, I think, to like go to the grocery store?"

D: "It doesn't really work here either. Well, I don't really walk around in Liverpool, because I live in Manchester. only been there once, when I signed the contract, but even back then it was weird, even tho I didn't even play in a match back then. It happens in Manchester, but it's easier there, there are more teams, City, United. A lot of players live here, from Liverpool, Everton, you can get around easier, but you still have to be mindful, they recognize you, watch you."

I: "Is it tiresome, a part of it? Sometimes you must be like, okay, I just want to go to the mall. Can you make that happen, or are you like, I won't go, because it's too much trouble."

D: "There are ways to work it out. We have connections here and there, they can make it easier, more comfortable for us."

About the English press

D: With me, they have been fair so far, so I can't say anything bad about it. I guess, I haven't been here that long to say anything about me, but in time, we will see how it is."

About the Salah-Szoboszlai-Trent triangle

D: "I really like this box-to-box and the rotations we have going on. We all know what to do, we all pay attention to each other, I really like my position."

About his running capacity and speed

Asked if he feels like he always had this speed and runnin capability in him, or it's something new he had developed since joining Liverpool.

D: "I had it Leipzig too, I don't even understand... Speaking of the NT, in the NT, every single match, I get leg cramps. Here [LFC], never. Yet, when I look at the stats, I run much more in LFC, than I do in the NT. At the end of the Everton match, I started sprinting once again (...) But I'm not the only one. If you ask Milos (Milos Kerkez, his hungarian NT teammate, who also plays for Bournemouth), he says the same thing.

Maybe, because the pressure is bigger [in the NT], I'm the captain, I have to pay attention to more things, the others. I try to take the pressure from the others, so they can play more freely, I try to help everyone, so maybe this is why I get cramps. I do everything the same, I eat the same things, vitamins, everything."

---

There were some other questions in the end, but they were not that interesting, about stats and stuff, so I left those out. Hope you guys enjoyed it, thanks for all the kind messages you left me!

#dominterview #dominik szoboszlai

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inactivewattpadauthor · 1 year

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Mileena x Earthrealmer Reader

It hasn't been long since you been individually stationed in Outworld, and you've already been detected by someone or something.

Yes, it's partially your fault for being a lousy Special Forces soldier/spy, but you've been through a lot to even give a damn. It's not like you can't take care of yourself, but if you get captured by the enemy and killed, then that's just what happens.

You returned to your small camp in an oasis outside from Outworld civilization in hopes of nothing following you.

While you were sharpening your knife, you heard rustling leaves behind you that didn't follow up with the wind blowing through the area. You let out a sigh of annoyance, realizing you weren't alone.

"Come on out. I can hear you!" You called out without looking up from your knife.

"Filthy Earthrealmer! What are you doing in Outworld's lands?" A feral feminine voice hissed out from the bushes surrounding the camp.

'That sounds like...'

Recognizing the familiar voice you peered up to see the well-known, unnaturally created kombatant with such a personality...

Mileena.

It's much easier to identify her by her choice of color for her clothing, but you were just most likely a bit surprised to see her rather than anyone else who could've stalked you.

"Wow, I could have never seen this day coming. Did you follow me here?" You fully faced her, suppressing any type of hyped emotion you had.

"Don't ignore my question, you imbecile!" She said a bit more agitated, along with pulling out her sais, taking a step towards you.

"Apologies. I'm just... camping, ma'am." You quickly came up with.

"A pathetic lie won't work on me, Earthrealmer! You're lucky I'm not that hungry to feast on your flesh!"

"Well, are you still gonna kill me and maybe put my body in a refrigerator? If Outworld even has those." You asked, readying your knife in case she pounces.

"Gah! You should be trembling before me! Not asking such ridiculous questions!"

Your lack of fear for Mileena was making her mad, but truthfully, it's not just because you're not that frightened, but you read her file back at base. It would be a lie if you say you don't find her fascinating.

On a quick note, Mileena pulled down her mask to reveal one of her infamous features of herself; her monstrous teeth. Sincerely a well-known factor or a Tarkatan.

"Scared now, human?" She chuckled in her usual seductive way.

Not to her liking, you didn't react to it. What made you unsteady was her piercing gaze of growing impatience.

"Look, it's not that I'm scared of you," you started off, realizing how offensive the beginning would sound to her,"BUT, I just personally find you thrilling in a... cool way." You rubbed the back of your neck.

Mileena was rather confused about your words. "Is this your way of trying to escape your fate? With false flattery?"

"I'm not lying. As much as it sucks that you eat my kind and I'm mostly next, I find you bad ass. It's not every day a feminine feral figure like you exists."

You weren't attentive towards how your words were subtly calming the former empress.

"Also, from what I heard, you're not really a monster. You lost someone you loved. Not trying to be touchy or reopen that wound before I die, but "

You frown at a feeling that took you a while to shove down.

"I know what that's like."

After a few quiet seconds, your heart sank from the seem to be awkward moment you caused.

'God, let her kill me already.'

"Stupid human, just go back where you came from." Mileena muttered, putting her mask back over her mouth before quickly disappearing back into the bushes.

You only stood there, still cringing from the awkwardness you caused. Is this how you escape the flesh eating empress?

---Time skip to evening, brought to you by me praying for Nightwolf and Fujin to be added in mk1---

It was about late evening, and you sat near your campfire, still processing what happened previously during the day.

'Did she feel bad for me? I don't get why she just left just like that.'

'Or maybe, again, she felt awkward too, and I killed her mood to kill me.'

"Ahem."

Your attention was immediately grabbed by whomever. You looked in their direction only to see it was Mileena again, staring down at you from the other side of the campfire.

"Oh, hi. Are you finally hungry?" You slipped a small smile.

"If I was, you'd be dead because of your lack of awareness just then." She sharply said. Her tone wasn't that aggressive like the first encounter.

"Right... So what is it you want from me then?"

"Why are you here?"

"All I can tell you is I'm Special Forces. The rest is classified information."

"I'll kill you if you don't tell me."

"Well, the general will kill me if I tell you. And I would rather die with honor." You huffed before staring at the bonfire.

There was silence again, but it wasn't like earlier.

Mileena walked around the fire and next to you.

Any weary person would move from her, concerned if she was gonna attack, but you didn't. Perhaps you were waiting for her to do it?

She didn't attack. She just sat down beside you as if a lonely person found their fellow lonely friend somewhere unfamiliar.

The moment would be described as... comforting?

"Why are you actually here?" You asked.

"Did you really mean those words from earlier about me?"

She looked right at you. Her eyes seem to have some sort of desperation in them. But you looked past that for the moment.

"I did. I'm sorry about that, though. I didn't mean to spill out like that. I wasn't trying to ruin your mood to kill me or whatever." You looked down in shame.

"If you're speaking the truth, don't be. I never met a soul that shares the same pain as I do."

"I see. I work with plenty of people who also lost loved ones. However, I still just feel alone about it no matter what. It's a terrible wound that permanently stings."

"You're a very unique human. What is your name?" Mileena asked. Elder Gods, how you didn't see this coming.

"I'm Y/n. And if you don't mind, I'm supposed to be here for a while." You smiled again at her.

"I don't mind, but the second you turn on me, I'll flay and wear you like cattle." Mileena warned.

"I'm not planning on it, don't worry." You laughed a bit.

You looked to your side at a duffel bag and reached for the candy bar you saved. You wouldn't be surprised if it was melted.

"Does Outworld happen to know about chocolate?" You asked while opening your snack.

"Does Outworld have chocolate?! Of course we do! What type of bizarre question is that?!" Mileena shouted in a annoyed, yet a bit humorous tone.

"Okay, okay, my bad! Here, try some from Earthrealm." You broke off a piece and handed it to her.

You awaited her reaction as she quickly consumed the piece within seconds.

"I'm not a sweet tooth person, but," Mileena paused for a second. Then she looked back at you.

"Outworld's chocolate is better than whatever you gave me."

Your eyebrows twitched as you looked at the candy brand.

'Hershey's'

"If you say so, almighty one."

Both of you spent some time chatting, unknowingly warming up to each other. You both were aware this could cause troubles on both sides, but you paid no mind to it.

It's been a while since you connected with someone like this, not trying to brush off friends from SF.

Soon, you rubbed your tired eyes, and Mileena noticed this. "You must be bold to sleep here without concern of something catching you."

"There's nowhere better." You yawned.

"Since I've taken a liking to you, I can offer you a safe, much more comfortable place to rest. However, you tell no-"

"If I told my team I casually spoke with the daughter of Shao Kahn like friends, I'm sure it would end very bad for me. I like you too. You don't have to worry about me getting you in trouble." You cut her off and explained.

"I'll stay here for just this one night. Tomorrow, I take you up on the kind deal. Mkay?" You stood and looked at her.

Mileena did the same, preparing to leave. "Fine then. If a Tarkatan finds you and eats you, it's totally your fault." She says with humor.

"It totally will be. But, goodnight, Mileena. Thanks for not killing me."

Mileena looked at you with a warming facial expression. "I'll see you tomorrow, Y/n." She purred before taking off swiftly again in the oasis.

As you put out the fire and laid to rest, a thought suddenly popped in your mind.

'Was she flirting with me on that last part?'

#mortal kombat 11 #mortal kombat #mortal kombat x reader #mk imagine #mortal kombat imagines #mk headcanons #mileena #mortal kombat headcanons #mortal kombat mileena #mileena x reader #goddesswritings

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hummingbird-games · 1 year

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(spoilers for Adrian’s route incoming, etc, etc)

I have been putting off this particular post of ramblings because I truly don’t think I can do justice to putting my thoughts into words for Adrian. Not like the other guys. But at the end of the day these are truly for my entertainment (and God-awful memory) and I just happen to have an audience. So. No pressure. Also I’m trying not to repeat myself. Which is hard. (I love this game. I don’t know how I can make that more obvious?? But I guess I keep trying with these posts and the damn TikToks LOL)

Adrian is just...such a sweetheart?? And I adored ANY AND EVERY SINGLE TIME we got to tease him???? Beautiful, oh my goodness.

...Which is why when he wanted to get down and dirty in the GYM but not for workout purposes, I had the gall to be surprised!! 😂😂😂😂😂

But listen!! Anytime he went from sweet, golden retriever energy to serious, intimidating, sexy war god I was experiencing All The Emotions. Which is hilarious because we get HINTS of this throughout the first couple chapters...so I should have seen this coming (also I keep clicking the spice option, like what the heck do you think that means?? @ me) but that didn’t stop me from being dramatic and running back on here to scream into the void (check the tags if you’re interested. I had to make a proper 18+ tag and everything when I was convinced that was gonna happen due to College Craze aha 👍🏽).

Um. So, while Adrian was fighting Logan for Most Horny (sorry, I still think Logan can keep his crown and throne 👀) he was also fighting Ezra for Most Disgustingly Romantic (more evidence is needed from both sides for me for the jury to come to a conclusion)!

Alsooooo, MC internally screaming in all caps had to be the most relatable shit I have ever seen oh my God. I couldn’t even laugh sometimes because I was like she’s like me, fr fr, with all the seriousness in the world!

Speaking of seriousness, there is a line I really enjoy that comes after the big breakup, which after doing this three times, did not get easier?? It got harder??? I sick. And I still have to do the bad ends in the new year?? I hate this. Anyhoo, the line:

“He recognized the sadness. Saw it in me and walked with me.”

Grief is a funny thing. It’s different for everyone, and it was this year I truly noticed just how different people who have never been touched by grief walk verses those who have. And there’s a fun little cocktail of emotions that comes wrapped in the grief besides the advertised sadness, but it’s like, deeper than that. Some people are really good at hiding that sadness. And for someone else who has gone through a loss, any type of significant loss, and to see that in someone else and to not run away from it, not try and fix it, not try and belittle you for it? It’s a huge ass deal.

HUGE.

So obviously I cried.

And then more events happened (seriously y’all, just play the game, even if it’s one route) and THIS LINE SMACKED ME IN THE FACE TOO:

“When I was with you I felt so happy...so happy that I worried I’d be punished for my happiness.”

Girlfriend, same. Saaaaaaaame.

Now, in no particular order or in great detail, because I should wrap this up, here are other things I loved.

More Grace screentime!!! We get a little of her in Ezra’s route and then we see her a lot more in Adrian’s which I loved!

Karaoke! Super unique mechanic in the game and I need to go back and unlock all the songs.

Any and all interactions with Amara!! I love our best friend, send tweet.

Under the cut because I feel bad hijacking Adrian’s post, but this is a perfect place to conclude my game route ramblings overall.

I think that if I haaaaad to pick, Ezra is my favorite guy. Period. I loved him at jump, before I played the demo! And I will love this fictional man until I die. Tunnel vision?? Yes, what about it?

Logan has my favorite route...because he really was not on my radar and then he was and I feel like one day (in someone’s DMs not here lol) I will untangle why Logan’s route is a study in what romance media is missing for me and how it fucking delivered.

And Adrian? Most likely be who I’d click with in real life 🤔

There’s so much replayability in An Everyday Love. And even if you exhaust all the available content, it’s still such a comfort piece of media.

So, if I have not convinced you to play, I have failed us both 😂💛And I will renew efforts in the future.

#gem's game gems #an everyday love #game recommendations #OKAY I"M DONE HARRASING Y'ALL (for the rest of the year)

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lazylogic · 1 year

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TL;DR: I’ve let my online art presence and the internet as a whole become so weighty to me that I’m constantly having a meltdown over how the internet has changed and how I present myself online, so I’m cutting myself off from being an artist on the internet, because it seems like the only healthy option for me right now.

I think I need to stop posting online entirely. As drastic and melodramatic as that sounds, I’m spending time on an internet that I hate, wishing for an internet that no longer exists. I’ve repeatedly ~taken breaks from social media to try and detox~, and it does help in the short term, but eventually I just fall back into my “existential art crisis” and become anxious, stressed, and frustrated again, hating myself and hating every choice I’ve made up to this point. I’m happy when I draw at my own pace, but I’m quickly overwhelmed by the “I’m not posting enough so people won’t like me anymore” anxiety I get.

I know I’m like, the only one who feels this way, the only one who cares this much and takes art this seriously that I’ve let it crush me so much. For some reason my art and my ability to draw is so deeply ingrained in my identity and sense of self, and it’s become so monumentally important to me that it’s worn me down this much. But I know I’m not the only artist online who feels pressure to perform every day, who compares themself to others, who feels burnt out every month, and who is constantly fighting with the evolving technology and society that seems to be consistently designed to screw us. I know many have been able to adapt, and have done it smoothly, and I commend them and am incredibly happy for them. I’m proud to have happy and well-adjusted art peers! I can’t do that. I want to put in the effort to adapt, I have to many ideas to share and stories to tell, but I’m just…spent. Every time I try, it takes up all of my very limited energy, and I’m back to hibernation mode again. I am tired. I’m too small, sensitive and self-conscious to simply keep trucking along. My fragility makes every effort so painful. I really cannot do this anymore.

Posting my art online used to be fun. I loved connecting with people over fan art, OCs, gushing with other artists about each other’s creations, and getting love and support from people who found enjoyment in it. I used to get kind asks on Tumblr just complimenting my art or encouraging me when I posted a vent piece. Tumblr especially used to be my chill place. Most of those people, along with that happy and peaceful environment, are gone now. Old Tumblr is dead, old DeviantArt is gone, I feel detached from FA more than I ever have. Everything feels scattered and divided, and people are so jaded, which I really can’t blame anyone for. No matter where I go, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore, and I don’t really want to be anywhere, either. I feel like I don’t even fit in with my own demographic, no matter what I try. I can’t emphasize enough that I’m trying to post for and enjoy an internet and online community that no longer exists. It’s my own fault for living in the past. Everything is far too fleeting now, engagement is king and constant streams of new content, as well as outrage, equals that. Everyone else seems to be able to change so readily with it, and I’m still stuck figuring things out from five years ago. I can’t seem to recognize or understand anyone anymore, either. I can’t keep up, and I don’t want to try to anymore.

I think what I wanted the most for my art was for it to resonate with people. It’s always been my favorite thing to do for fun, and it always made me so happy knowing my art made someone’s day better, even if it was just Hattie being silly or cute fan art. The idea that I could make someone breathe easier because I drew something soft and comforting is incredibly meaningful to me. But my art was always a powerful emotional outlet for me, too. I know my vent art would often dip into edgy territory, especially in my teenage years, and I withdrew from drawing vent art as a whole because I became too self-aware of it and I felt too exposed. But it was real, and it came from a real place and real emotions, and that’s still important to me. I feel emotions very strongly. I wanted to say something and be understood. And I guess that’s what I still want? To be understood, like anyone else would want, I guess.

I don’t even know what I want out of posting online anymore, or why I bother to check it. Every bit of engagement I get feels more empty than rewarding, and that discrepancy keeps growing. I hate it, because I know it’s because my brain has been trained to want more. I hate that I need more and more validation that people care about me via my art, because it used to be purely mine. And I want so much for it to just be mine again. It’s really felt like I’ve been drawing for everyone else for such a long time, and I guess that’s also my own fault. I feel trapped here. I really don’t enjoy drawing anymore, and I never get the urge to like I used to, and I cannot express how much that absolutely guts me. I always say social media is what ruined it for me, but I know that my participation in social media was my own choice, so I know I actually ruined it for myself.

I have a lot of work to do. I need to just get better as a person, fix my mental health, gain any semblance of self-worth so that I’m not breaking down every week over my value as an artist being synonymous with my value as a person (before you wonder, I am working with mental health professionals regularly now). I know I complain a LOT about the internet and how it’s changed, but I need to make it very clear that I don’t meant to put the blame solely on all of that for my mental state. I recognize that I just have a lot of issues and I make things harder for myself all the time. I’m chronically living in the past and unhappy with the present, and that’s 100% a me problem. This is the only move I can think of that will allow me to actually focus on getting my shit together; removing the option of being an online artist altogether. I can’t cheat and peek at Twitter and slowly make my way back after three weeks. While I’m at it, I will probably stop posting everywhere else too (not that I was really posting much anyway). I don’t want to say I’m leaving forever but I will say that I want no more expectations, I’m not gonna be posting anymore, basically until further notice. I have to figure my shit out for real. I’m not sure if this will even work, it might just make things worse for me. But I’m just at a loss and I feel like I need to do something. I don’t know if my absence from online art posting will cause me to miraculously enjoy drawing again and a year from now I’ll have a massive backlog to show everyone, I’ll be fixed and happy…I don’t know. I just know this isn’t for me, not right now.

I feel guilty doing this, because I have people who have been following me and supporting me for well over a decade, and I think you guys deserve better than this. It’s a big part of my motivation for doing this to begin with - I’m kind of ashamed to show myself to these awesome people every day, I feel like I owe everyone more than just my gratitude, but I haven’t been able to deliver consistent art or content in years. I feel like I'm letting so many people down every day, and ultimately I feel the same about leaving. But I need to get better first. I think about everyone all the time and feel so lucky and so stupid. I know it’s dramatic, but to everyone, thank you, and I’m sorry.

For anybody going, “it’s not that deep,” I’ve heard that plenty. This post isn’t for you.

I’m not completely disappearing from the internet. If you want to get into contact with me, you can add me on Discord at RealaChao#7312. I will still accept commissions privately for now, so just reach out to me (I’ll update my commissions Carrd site if I decide to close them). I won’t necessarily be deleting my accounts, but I will be logging out of everything at least and disabling notifications, so please don’t message me on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or anywhere else expecting a reply. You can also email me at [email protected]. Lastly, my main focus these days has been my Neocities, so you’re welcome to check that out (though it's largely a draft right now). It’s not going to be an art site, though, at least not only art. It’s gonna be my quiet home.

I also posted this here. Genuinely, thanks for everything.

#txt #look! lazy is making a big dramatic post again #relentlessly pokes fun at my verbosity #if you do add me: please please be patient with me #socializing is hard #i love you guys <3 #yes i made a brand new discord account for this because i wanna keep my main one private

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st4rvng-alone · 2 years

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I decided to finally write a post on how i stopped binging or to put it more honestly, stopped excessive binging and went down to eating "normal" portions when i do "binge".

First of all, i read a little bit of "Brain Over Binge" to get some perspective, i learned about the "animal brain" which is usually the survival part of your brain. It would react in ANY possible way to keep you surviving. It's easier to control when you're trying to get over bulimia or BED, the reason for that is because in BED, your body is getting the right amount of food but you've developed the habit of eating more than you really need.

I"m going to cut to the chase with some personal tips and tips from the book itself:

1. Recognize the urge to binge and view it as an outside of your body experience. Think of it as "yes i want to binge, but i just ate, i don't need to listen to the animal brain" and learn to differentiate urges to binge from actual hunger.

2. STOP obsessing over calories and this is coming from me, who counted every single calorie. Not to sound pro-ana or pro-anything but it's much easier for me to have that iced coffee with milk and syrup then have plain cold brew and end up binging.

3. Make your meals out of fruit and veg, having that 1-2 apples and 3-4 veggies won't make you gain but it definitely prevents a binge for me. I grab an apple and play a yt video or some game, or even read a book. Get those flavored rice cakes, much better than plain, try to limit them since they are higher in sodium. Have pickled beetroot, different veg, be creative.

4. It's much easier for me to restrict and do daily activities when i'm not counting calories, i have my iced coffee, a cereal bar a few hours later, then an apple, some matcha latte and some veggie and off to bed. I'm still losing weight, very slowly but it's more sustainable than me starving myself to 300-500 calories and binging on day 4-5.

5. Water water and once again water. With fibre powder or superfoods for digestion, keeps my metabolism somewhat working. It helps.

Last but not least, choose recovery if you can, it's really worth it, you can always go back to losing weight but this time it would be healthily, happily and of course, comfortably.

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rosewinelonging · 2 years

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mm thinkin bout projohn. i know its not ur cup of tea but its just fun to think about, sburb is the thing that matures john- much too fast and when he wasnt at an age ready for it. it was a force of nature, something he could not at all understand or ask questions about beyond what he was told.

bro gives him the same maturity, but with a layer of humanity. john is a lot more like jane than anyone recognizes, he puts a wall between himself and what greatly effects him- he just doesnt break it like jane does.

with bro, john gets that humanity- though also cruel and harsh john knows its a purrson, and can accept what is given much easier,

bro is a systematic purrson, he keeps everything in a specific corner of his mind and refuses to let it down- like dirk. but john as a breath player, changes the flow of things. bro never wants to settle down, he wants to keep going and with someone who both goes with and changes the flow at will- it puts that control in jeopardy- possibly relating to a... ehem "dominance issue" that puts him both in control and out of it. johns no pushover, he wants what's right and he will scheme to get it. bro- even as a aplinter of dirk- misjudges such action.

anyeewayz sorry for the ramble and thanks 4 ur thyme, '^u^

mannn i like brojohn i think ive made a few posts abt them but yea i dont talk as much since i wasnt sure if my followers liked it lol

BUT YES!!! holy shit anon i loveeee thinking abt things like this and doin all analysis like with dynamics and god u hit every mark

honestly ive been thinkin abt john a lot these past couple days. hes a passive player who causes so much change even to those who dont realize it. he goes alongs with things bc he doesnt have the time to think abt stuff and bc of this his outward expression to ppl is. hes easy! hes simple and he listens bc thats whats expected of him, he doesnt have the chance to say no to anything though thats not the reality

as an heir of breath, freedom is his whole deal. he naturally falls into the into the inability to be tied down and in the future as things progress AFTER he begins to process things is when he starts doing things his way, a surprise to people around him who thought him simply passive [ie. refusing to give vriska the ring, beating caliborn up, etc etc]

and combined with the fact of, as you said, the wall of forced repression it very much leads a lot of people, specifically people who pride themselves on 'manipulation' or just crave dominance by understanding others, to misunderstand him severely. which is very VERY good. its such a thing i love with characters and the dynamic possibilities are endless

which is why i rlly like john paired with characters like bro [or even vriska, condy, etc THOSE types of characters] cause you get that misunderstanding and struggle of power. and yes he would misjudge johns actions or intentions which honestly can be funny as fuck

im less confident abt my uhhh perception? i guess of. all striders really i have a version in my mind but idk how close to canon it really is but for me i see bro as a more extreme version of dirk. he would set everything up in his head and it WILL go the way he thinks it will. views the world as more um i guess the best way to explain is in boxes. everything has a set purpose and he compartmentalizes things so it all works in a well oiled machine

so when it comes to john- they would meet, forces him into maturity in anyway you can imagine, and of course this isnt some mystical force from the universe. its a person which WOULD make things easier to understand leading to less passivity once he gets his thoughts together. OR you could say bro had already formed an opinion on john by observing his actions with say like dave! or possibly even rose since she the one he listens to most w/o question

either way it comes to a point that john is likely to fight back or act in a way that goes against the predetermined expectations. john would let him do whatever he wants before suddenly turning around and deciding. he doesnt want to do something and so he simply will not. its a complete toss up that will leave bro stumbling

of course at this point i want to point out that this is what makes dirkjohn fundamentally different from brojohn. dirk and john are on pretty equal footing bc of age which makes the expected power struggle an either-or situation where it could go both ways

while bro has a much larger advantage bc of age [assuming john is 13 - 16] and general appearance [sorry. short john propaganda i cant see him as anything over 5'5 lol]

so naturally bro would still get that control but it means nothing with the fundamental misunderstanding of john. its like he would take simple actions to the extreme [believing he has planned things out when it was really spur of the moment] or any scheming he does as not planned bc he wouldnt get WHY he would that and bc he doesnt understand why he would do something it means he wouldnt have done it

but yea anon you managed to hit exactly why i like thinking abt them. i love love love the idea of their relationship being built on bro just. not understanding how john works. which i explore a lot in royalty au's lol its fun to do court scheming and political drama

bros playing 3d chess while johns playing checkers

ummmm so yea! i like john a whole lot hes one of my favorites to think abt an brojohn less bc of the ship an more bc of that specific flavor i get from it

WAIT! ok before i forget. the only thing ive really been thinking abt these past couple days is john with women vs john with men. essentially boils down to if a woman asked he would be on his knees in an instant. you say jump he asks how high etc etc hed act out enough to get attention but not really to destablize the power dynamic

but he just absolutely refuses to willingly sub for a man. or if he does it doesnt end like he wants it to. so the only way to get him to submit is by harsh force and even then hes a brat till the end. takes pleasure in making bros life just that much harder

ok anyway back to ending notes. yea i like them! i like pretty much any m/m ship as long as johns in it LOL like if youre worried abt me not bein into something remember this:

any girl with any other girl? yes. im literally in the middle of making a doc of every dynamic between all human and troll girls whether they have a canon one or not

any girl with any guy? this is a toss up. if i like / post a lot abt the girl in the ship then yea id prob like it. i dont mind any of the human guys. i dont care for any of the troll guys. well. i like eridan most times, hes fun and im an aquarius and tavros in certain moods.

any guy with any guy? if one of them is john the answer is probably yes. hes my little darling and he surpasses gender. my Only issue with june is that i dont like the name change bc i cant get used to it lol but basically theres no difference in my mind with them when it comes to gender fuckery. an also i switch genitals based on mood so i guess thats something but yea i love him lots esp when it comes to stuff like this where u analyze his character <3

despite my content. i Would say that john is my unanimous favorite character

ALSO im literally writing a long fic where brojohn is the main focus lol well that and davejohn but he literally only gets sex scenes w bro sooooo

but yea go ahead an ramble in my askbox i rlly enjoy it cause i get to ramble back <33

#anon #john #bro #i havent been around for a bit. taking a break #i have a few other asks i havent answered that i will Get to. one day lol #i answered this one since its aligned to what ive been thinkin abt an i didnt have to write prose like <3

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nicsalazar · 2 years

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Axe-idental lessons || Nicole & Victoria

TIMING: Recent LOCATION: Hat(chet) trick PARTIES: @natusvincere & @nicsalazar SUMMARY: Victoria teaches Nicole how to throw axes. CONTENT WARNING: None

Nicole started carrying an axe in her backpack right after she had to chop Solomon’s burnt arm. She never knew when the next chopping emergency would arise, right? And though she had only dared to use it once to defend herself – that night with Lil and the ghost termites– bringing it with her brought some sense of safety when she wandered in the woods like she enjoyed doing.

Nicole supposed, as bigger threats continued to appear in her life, that learning a few tricks with her weapon of choice was only common sense. There was nothing wrong with learning a new skill. Which is why she found herself at Hat(chet) Trick ready to observe and learn from those who knew how to handle one with expertise.

Maybe the regulars didn’t get a lot of new faces, Nicole mused, as she approached the lane she rented and tried to ignore some of the strange looks she was getting. Before she could make it there, the sound of an axe flying across the air and hitting the bullseye caught her attention. Her gaze drifted to the woman who had just achieved the perfect hit, a laugh caught in her throat as she recognized her face. Of course she would find Victoria having fun in a place like this. That woman was always ready to fight someone.

The booming sounds of the axes being thrown against the wood startled Vic when she first started going to Hat(chet) Trick. They were far too loud, especially for her sensitive hearing, and they made her jump with surprise every time, which was incredibly embarrassing. Now, the amelodic thwacks were almost like a comfort to her, an easy way to get her into the zone of concentration she needed to land perfect throws nearly every time.

And boy, did she land perfect throws.

The adjustment to the noise had helped in her real life, too. Like everytime she moved to a new location, she found herself very jumpy and anxious those first few weeks in White Crest. Always sure someone was creeping in the shadows, ready to snatch her away for being a monster or for turning monsters in, it was hard to get anything done. Especially when something simple like a slamming door put her out of commission for an hour at least. But in White Crest, thanks to Hat(chet) Trick, that adjustment was ten times easier.

These lane rentals always felt way too short. They should be giving her the whole day, anyway, because she could afford it and she was such a regular customer. She threw one last hatchet before her time was up, landing a bullseye as expected, and not bothering to pull it out of the wood before she started walking toward the exit. A familiar face stopped her in her tracks, and despite herself, she flashed her a smile.

“Nicole”, she said, looking her up and down. “I never expected to see you in a place like this. You enjoy throwing sharp objects too?”

Nicole had to take a moment to battle the uncomfortable, yet familiar feeling at the pit of her stomach when she heard Victoria’s words. The realization this the woman seemed to know her well enough to make that assumption. Would she ever stop fighting the urge to hide from the rest of the world? Just when she thought she was getting better at handling it. Eventually, Nicole breathed out a laugh in agreement. It was a joke. A tease. The kind friends threw around without a second thought. There was nothing more to it. And she’d have to keep telling herself that until there was no more resistance. “Yeah… this is exactly the type of place I expected to find you, though” there. Following along was good enough. And Vic always had that edge about her, which made her comment genuine. Right from the night when she was willing to fight the trolls on the bridge with her bare hands.

“Oh, no– this isn’t really my thing” the only time Nicole used the axe was for chopping firewood…. Or limbs, but that was rare. She looked at the lane she had rented, right next to the one Victoria had occupied. “I want to learn though, because…” she hesitated. Despite having encountered supernatural creatures, Victoria didn’t believe in the existence of them. Mentioning that as a factor for her interest in axe throwing would only make things uncomfortable. “Looks…fun”.

“You’re good, huh?” though Nicole felt more confident in her social skills lately, she wasn’t confident enough to straight up ask Victoria if she wanted to stick around. What level in the friendship scale –if something like that existed– were they in? Surely, the worst thing that could happen was a simple no, but she wanted to avoid potential awkwardness. “Um. Hey, any pointers for me?”

If there was any doubt that she and Nicole were still friends, the banter they were sharing squashed it completely. Vic couldn’t help but smirk at the joke that was flung back at her. “Ha ha”, she said sarcastically, leaning against the wall as she zipped up her bag. Nicole was like anxiety manifested. She wore her fears on her sleeve, and Vic could respect that, in some way. She couldn’t match it, but she could respect it. She watched as the other woman stumbled over her words, interested, but confused by her reasoning. “Oh, … I would have assumed you were interested in learning because there are so many weirdos in this fucking town”, she said, shuffling to the side as someone came to fill the lane she was leaving.

She smirked, shrugging at Nicole’s assumption of her abilities. Of course she was good. She was probably the best in the building. But it would have been rude and improper to say so. Instead, she sat down on the bench at the end of Nicole’s lane, her eyebrows high with amusement. “How do you expect me to give you pointers without first viewing your form? Go on”, she gestured down the lane, expecting Nicole to get in position and grab the axe. “Show me what you’ve got.”

“Yeah, that too…” Nicole trailed off, unsure if she wanted to get into the specific reasons for her new found interest in axe throwing. Vic seemed to grasp the meaning behind her words, joining her inside the lane. She wasn’t about to complain about an impromptu hang out. Those seldom happened to her. And the woman looked comfortable as she sat on the bench waiting for her throw, so she decided to move past her less than smooth greeting.

She couldn’t be that bad, right? She had thrown a ball in her life before. Same principle. Nicole stared at the target ahead before walking over to the box with the axes. She seized one, getting comfortable with the weight in her hand. “How’s Winnie?” Was it rude to ask about the dog first? Nicole lifted her gaze to the target, deciding where to aim. “And you, obviously. Just– I’m sure Pax misses her”. She truly cared more about Pax having enough friends that she ever did about finding some for herself.

Nicole stepped forward, trying ignore Vic’s intimidating stare. Performing under pressure wasn’t her strength. Besides, she was going to be made fun of if she sucked at it, no? Which she did. Her first attempt had too much power in it, so the axe ended up bouncing off the target instead of sticking to it. The loud thud as it fell to the floor hurt her ears. “Shit” She stared at the results with her bottom lip worried between her lips. “It’s…it’s in the wrist, right? I bet” people always said that about everything.

Vic sat up at the mention of Winnie, brightening in the smallest way. She ignored the question about herself, choosing to answer the former question instead. “Winnie’s the same, spoiled mess. She got a new toy yesterday, it’ll probably be ripped to shreds by the time I get home.” She brought her legs underneath her on the bench, more interested in watching Nicole’s skills than anything.

Or lack of skills, maybe. Nicole was trying. She really was, but her form was all wrong. The ax bounced off the back wall, and Vic’s lips pressed together in a thin, disappointed line. “No, actually”, she said, standing up and walking down the alley to grab the hatchet. “It’s all in the elbow.”

She picked her right arm up to prove her point, holding her elbow close to her body as she threw the axe down again, landing another perfect bullseye. “You have too much power. It doesn’t take much, but if you throw it too hard, you’ll over rotate. Want to try again?”

A smile pulled at the corners of Nicole’s mouth, listening to Vic talk about Winnie. It was funny how she liked to pretend that her pet wasn’t the light of her eyes. “Mhm. Nothing wrong with spoiling a dog” What was the worst that could happen? Them feeling unconditionally loved? “I’d like Pax to see her again… if that’s not– lowering her standards, of course”.

Nicole turned around as the woman stood up to offer an explanation for her failed first attempt. “The elbow?” She placed her hands on her hops, brows knitted together while Vic walked to retrieve the axe. What followed was a perfect demonstration of a good throw. Victoria’s axe hit the bullseye, just like it had when she first saw her. Nicole let out a scoff, trying to look unimpressed. “Show off” she grumbled, but gave the woman a friendly smile before nodding.

Nicole was more conscious this time not to use the full extent of her strength, but focusing on that and trying to get her elbow in the right position meant her aim wasn’t quite there. “Shit” On her second throw, at least, she managed to get the axe to stick. Just off the bullseye, on the outer part of the target. She was about to be schooled again, wasn't she? “So how’d you get into this? Thought you were…” there was a pause, and her eyes went upwards trying to recall. “A bartender or something?”

Vic pressed her lips together in a smile, agreeing with Nicole’s sentiment but not saying outright. “I think they made great friends”, she agreed, nodding. Despite how ugly Pax was, he really turned out to be a wonderful dog. And Winnie was all worn out after playing with him, so Vic knew she had fun. “Before we leave here, we’ll plan another play date.”

Upon Nicole’s second throw, Vic couldn’t help but be impressed. Sure, she didn’t hit the bullseye, but she had clearly taken heed to an expert’s advice, and she had taken heed well. The fact that she even hit the board was a testament to that. She grinned at her protege, crossing her arms in approval. “If you practice, you will get better and better. No one is perfect without lots of practice.” She grabbed a hatchet for her turn, throwing it down the alley. It landed a tiny bit off bullseye, as if to prove her point. She held her hands out in front of her, surrendering the alley to Nicole once again.

She scoffed, shaking her head. “I’m so much more than a bartender. That’s just… to keep food on the table.” That was a lie. Vic could have lived another hundred years without working, and she’d still have enough money to live lavishly. “I needed something to pass the time in the winter when my garden was not thriving. This seemed like a fine enough option. Plus, it’s alarming to my enemies that I almost never miss. How about you? How does a park ranger end up here?”

“Alright,” Nicole left it at that, satisfied with the deal. She didn’t want her dog to receive unnecessary comments about his appearance again. Even if they were complete lies. It was just the way Victoria was. With that tough front and harsh words. Yet she had been the first one to throw the word ‘friends’ around. Victoria was full of shit, and she wasn’t fooling Nicole.

She turned towards the other woman, expecting to hear another brutally honest opinion, so when she was met with a grin instead, her eyebrows shot up. “Yeah— that’s…that’s true” Real athlete mentality. She didn't mind practice. It wasn’t her favorite thing in the world, but she understood its purpose.

Watching Vic go after each of her throws was surprising, but Nicole supposed ‘watch and learn’ was always a solid strategy. Vic’s control of the hatchet was impressive. Even her not quite perfect throw had been intentional. “Your enemies…” She was certain it wasn’t the first time Vic spoke of enemies. “How many enemies can a bartender have?” sure, she hated when someone cut her off when she wasn’t ready yet, or when her tab got messed up, but she wouldn’t consider any of those bartenders her enemies.

Nicole took her position in the alley again, determined to get closer to the bullseye this time. “Hey, I’m not…the police type of ranger” she was an interpretative one, but she wondered if Vic would know the difference. “Training’s a little different. You get some lessons in defense and shit but— they’re kinda terrible” not terrible, but certainly not suited for the town’s special threats. “And— I don't know… prefer to learn axe throwing to… shooting” Elbow. Strength. Aim. Her third throw hit only slightly above her previous one, but it had felt completely different. It felt like she was in control.

Nicole was a good student. She listened and she didn’t talk back, even though sometimes her questions did have an undertone of disbelief to them. Vic might have thought about teaching more people how to throw hatchets if they would have learned as graciously as Nicole did. And also if a whole group of people expertly throwing hatchets in a place like White Crest didn’t sound extremely dangerous.

“Like I said, Nicole, I’m a lot more than just a bartender. When you’ve lived for as long as I have…” She stopped, suddenly and abruptly, and looked at Nicole. Her mouth was agape until she mustered up the words to fix her mistake. “That is, 30 long, long years, … -and when you’ve been to as many places as I have, you’re bound to gain some enemies along the way. The world is full of awful, vicious monsters. And maybe the only way to make sure you yourself don’t end up like one of them is to make enemies of them all.”

She shrugged, decided a ranger was a ranger, no matter what Nicole wanted to call it. “The town should care more about what happens to its citizens. Why are they investing in a black and white zoo instead of training their rangers properly?”, she wondered aloud. She agreed, though, that an axe felt better than a gun. It felt less destructive. Maybe it even felt more just. She grinned in approval, both at Nicole’s next throw and at her reaction to it. “You’re starting to get it now. Your focus is good. Do you meditate? I think it’s something you’d quite enjoy.” She took her turn again down the alley, rolling her eyes as someone next to them attempted an over the top trick shot, missing horribly. “Showing off doesn’t get you anywhere if you’re not focused”. She threw the axe down again, after a beat, hitting another bullseye.

Initially, Nicole only rolled her eyes. Victoria always spoke as if she was from another era. It was endearing in a way, because the woman was barely older than her. But then she stopped mid sentence, looked as if she had revealed something incredibly personal and stammered her way out of her comment. Victoria, who was usually so assured in the way she spoke, acting so unlike her. Nicole stared at her, words replaying in her head again. It didn’t register what could be so incendiary as to have the other woman correcting herself. Until—

It wasn’t her place, Nicole told herself as conclusions were drawn. It wasn’t up to her to question whether Victoria had implied something supernatural, in a moment she had let her guard down. Those didn’t come often, so she wasn’t about to ruin it. In a lot of ways Victoria was like a cat, and she understood cats better than anyone. “The world is full of vicious monsters you say? Thought you didn’t believe in all that crap” she prodded instead, quirking an eyebrow at her. “Not even when you have giant trolls up in your face”.

“You tell me” Victoria wasn’t wrong about the zoo, either. On principle, Nicole already hated zoos, but a black and white one? A disgrace. She shrugged, unable to answer why the town’s priorities were so fucked up. She did appreciate Vic’s approval, surprised by how much it meant. “Oh. Hell no,” she huffed at her question, “don’t know if I could ever meditate. Mind’s too… what’s the word— it’s all over the place. Do you?” Maybe she was about to find out the secret behind Victoria’s perpetual coolness. She watched her hit another bullseye, walking over to retrieve the hatchet. “This? I kinda get why you like it” taking her mind off things just to focus on the target ahead of her. It was starting to click.

“I don’t believe in the rumors about this stupid town”, Vic maintained. “People these days believe everything they hear, there are no critical thinking skills. We have people walking around believing they know the Earth is flat and that a giant, sentient tree was causing all the pollen this past spring. It’s ridiculous”. She huffed, then tucked a hair behind her ear. “When I say vicious monsters, I’m speaking metaphorically. About the people who push others down to get their way, by any means necessary.” What she was saying was mostly true, so it wasn’t hard to pretend like she fully believed it. Nicole didn’t seem to notice her slip up, and Vic was going to everything in her power to make sure she forgot it on the off chance she did.

“Well, that’s when meditation helps the most”, Vic argued, leaning against the wall. “When your brain is so desperate to not shut up, meditation helps quiet it down. Momentarily, anyway. If you don’t try it, how will you ever know if it works for you?” The first time she meditated, she hadn’t tried. She hadn’t even really known to call it meditation- was there even a word for it all those years ago where she was from? And maybe Nicole couldn’t go to the bottom of the ocean or a lake to shut the world out, but maybe just closing her eyes and being would be a good start for her. “I do. Sometimes. It’s not foolproof, obviously, but it’s a nice getaway when it does work.” She watched with a grin as Nicole walked back down the aisle, nodding in agreement. “It’s sort of a meditation in itself, hmm? The focus, the noises… there’s just something about it, I don’t know. Plus, like I said… it’s scary to the enemies.” At that, Vic mimed throwing another hatchet, right toward the head of the dufus in the next lane trying (and failing) to show off.

Nicole exhaled sharply, suppressing another eye roll as Victoria doubled down on her opinion. It was aggravating how the woman wouldn’t accept what was right before her eyes. She fought the trolls. Got lost in that weird grass. But she was willing to let it go, because Victoria wasn’t someone to actively search for danger, unlike herself. But as soon as the tree was brought up, she felt her resolve slip. Jaw clenched, she stepped forward. The tree was fucking real. It took her best friend from her. Countless died as sacrifice. How dare she. It took everything in her power not to let her anger flare, give Victoria the satisfaction. She gave a low grumble, turning away from the woman. She was done discussing the supernatural with her.

Nicole played with the axe in her hand, forcing herself to listen to Vic go on about the qualities of meditation. She always wished that sort of thing worked for her. Whatever issues her mind had, there was no magical solution for them. “Huh…” But maybe, there were ways to make it all a little easier. “Suppose… I wouldn’t know…” she agreed, though she knew herself enough at this point to guess if something could work for her. She lifted the axe at Vic, shaking it. “Well, you’re a good teacher, clearly. Maybe that’s something else you can teach”. A getaway. She could use that. It sounded a lot like what she did, going out and enjoying the nature. Meditation might be easier surrounded by nature too. Watching her throw an imaginary axe at the guy next to them, Nicole let out a huff and positioned herself for the next throw. “Right”.

This time her eyes never left the bullseye. Nicole already knew the motion, knew what parts of her body to engage, the strength required. All she needed was the aim. She took a deep breath, and on the exhale she threw the hatchet. It struck just a couple inches off the bullseye. That was already incredible improvement. She turned towards Vic, genuinely elated with her effort. “It counts” she said before the other woman could say it wasn’t quite there. She pointed at the target, and shrugged. “I’m counting it” she would only get better, so to manage that on her first outing was a win. “Thanks, though” she walked over to retrieve the hatchet, handing it to Vic when she made it back. “Wanna show off one last time?”

Like she had done to so many people before, Vic had somehow managed to spark an anger within Nicole, and the other woman wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding it, either. People were strange with their anger. Some tried to hide it, to tuck it away until it felt like it might not exist anymore. Some held it closer to the surface, like Nicole seemed to be doing, seeping and seething, like a pot of water almost ready to boil over. She was sure Nicole would hit her. Most of the time, she was trying to make people angry. But now, she didn’t even know what she said wrong. She stood, unblinking, staring at the other woman until she seemed to cool herself down. Vic hated herself for not having the courage to ask what she said, or to be like one of those aloof girls who apologized at the drop of a hat. You were supposed to apologize when you made your friends upset, especially if you wanted to keep them.

She wanted to fold into herself when Nicole claimed she was a good teacher, but she shook her head instead. “You’re a good learner”, she countered, sitting on her hip. “I don’t have the patience for teaching, you know. I’m far too on edge. Do you ever get the chance to teach the children about the forest? I’d guess they’d find that sort of thing incredibly interesting.” If you would have asked a younger Vic if she believed meditation would work, she probably would have had the same reaction as Nicole. But as her companion refocused on the task at hand, blocking out all of the distractions of the room and the world around her, it was clear that Nicole was meditating in her own way, right there in front of her.

Vic grinned, clear and wide. It was probably the most genuine smile Nicole had seen out of her yet. She was about to say that a few more throws and she’d be there, but she held her hands up and nodded as Nicole claimed victory. It should have counted, she was right. Especially with such a short window of time before improvement. “It counts”, she agreed, bringing her hand up to awkwardly pat Nicole on the back. She was proud of her, in some weird way. Should she tell her? “Of course”, she said, grabbing the hatchet from Nicole and raising her eyebrows. This time, Vic didn’t hesitate. She didn’t use time to let herself focus, and she even changed her initial throwing position. Her vampiric speed allowed her to turn back toward Nicole even before the hatchet hit the board behind her, and she grinned when she heard it land. It was a bullseye; she knew without even looking back. “That one will be a lesson for next week, Rookie.”

Nicole tried to ignore the heat rising in her cheeks. It seemed like neither wanted to take a compliment, and she should've expected it. “Don’t think that’s true…” she hated how small she sounded. As if there was still a tiny part of her that needed the validation. She had struggled learning growing up. School wasn’t fun in that aspect. But she wasn’t a kid anymore, and there were no books involved in this. So maybe she was a better learner than she was led to believe. Victoria seemed to be dealing with a similar issue, unable to see herself past the person she had been. “Well— you’re good at spotting what’s wrong…and helped me correct it” she pointed out with a shrug. Those were facts, not feelings. “And I didn’t feel like I was being judged…which was— well a little unexpected given…” her hands made a vague motion. The showing off, she tried to say, but found herself unable to.

“Yeah,” Nicole smiled at the question. “Kids are easier… they actually want to hear you. And they’re curious, that’s…what’s the wo— relatable”. Older tourist were always scarier. She never felt quite as comfortable sharing her knowledge with them. However, that was more a reflection of her own insecurity than a reflection of the tourists' attitudes. She fidgeted with the hatchet for a moment, eyes narrowed at Vic. “I’m not sure if you should be teaching kids how to throw axes but, maybe there are other stuff you can teach. Same principle,” she joked, but there was something about Vic that gave Nicole the impression that despite finding adults ridiculous and unworthy of her time, she would not feel the same about children.

As Vic conceded her figurative bullseye, her smile felt different. She had a dimple in her cheek, Nicole noticed. That was new. Had she never seen Victoria smile before? She felt weirdly proud of achieving that. By being a good student. Again, why did she care so much about validation? And though the woman’s attempt at physical touch was awkward, it wasn’t uncomfortable. She appreciated it. Nicole was too used to being uncomfortable to nitpick somebody else’s physical displays. She gave her a nod in gratitude for the free lesson, and for taking time of her night to spend it with her. She laughed at the final throw, shaking her head. “Yeah, alri— that’s just… pretty sure our enemies won’t care how nice we throw the axes at them” she arranged the room for the next costumer, leaving everything as she found it. “Guess wouldn’t hurt to learn how though” she tilted her head, making her way towards the exit. “Right. Same time next week?”

As the pair walked out the lane, Nicole’s mind drifted to her main concern. “So Winnie and Pax…”

#wickedswriting #p: victoria #p: axe-idental lessons #p #/vic is the lomllll im afraid

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ego-morior · 7 months

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I'm stuck.

God, you would think the feeling would go away once you hit 30 but it will probably take me 30 more years to realize feeling stuck is just something very human that happens to humans.

I've been debating going to therapy recently, just to get a third person point of view on the feelings I harbor. Someone without bias to validate certain things and point out the flaws of others. A different pair of eyes to take a look at all the puzzle pieces I have yet to combine together across the table. Someone with enough experience to point out that there are a few missing edges that I will never recover and that it's okay to stop searching for them. Maybe hearing it out loud from someone else won't hurt as much as when I whisper it to myself in the middle of the night on a random Tuesday.

Something you learn a little later on, is that writing things after a breakdown and not during one, will always be easier to digest on an empty stomach. The rage, sorrow, fear and anguish have simmered down into a stew that isn't bubbling violently over the edges. When it's finally warm enough to sip from without burning your tongue, that is when you should pick up the pen. And that's exactly what I'm choosing to do now, on a cold morning in November.

November 8th, 2023.

I have quietly wept during the past days and loudly sobbed during the past few nights. This is the first morning I don't wake up with a wet pillow and the first time I can drink my coffee and listen to something silly online that has nothing to do with my life. Maybe it's the seasonal depression or the timing of Snapchat memories that has claimed victory to my senses this year. About two weeks ago, I gave up on a love I hadn't heard from in three years. The first year apart, I carried the yearning in the front pocket of every flannel I wore, the second year, I kept it in my purse, far enough where it wasn't part of who I was anymore, but close enough if I ever needed it. The third year, I kept those feelings in a small box in my sock drawer. And now, I have accepted the fact that they have no place in my home or in my life, because the idea of a "maybe one day," has lost it's meaning as time marched forward.

I spoke about him in passing, but I never really emphasized his importance in my growth. Maybe one day, I'll tell you about him, but for now just know, that the person I thought was my other half, was nothing more than a simple tease from the universe. There are several hundreds of articles on how to identify a soulmate or a soul tie. How to know "they're the one" etc. Something silly to give a lost existence some sort of made up trajectory to feel better about yourself for not being able to find a definitive path. But what they don't tell you, is that once your sense of escapism finishes, you feel more lost than before. Because directly afterwards as your feet move forward, your head keeps looking back at what could have been, what might have been, the 'where did they go?'s or the 'what are they doing now's and you don't focus on what's in front of you. The moment you stop looking back, you realize time has continued on and your feet have taken you somewhere you don't recognize.

Here I am, somewhere new, but only mentally and emotionally.

A different man I had a small chapter with, became a father this week. The man I spent almost a decade with, my very first relationship, has purchased a large home on an even larger property with a new wife. A couple of childhood friends have gotten married and made families. Time has moved on, and the frustration I have felt these past days is that everyone seems to have proof that time has moved on. Everybody, except me.

I wondered if maybe I was jealous of them, while I cried and sobbed and screamed uncontrollably this week. I couldn't put into words how every image was a punch in the gut. Some have wondered if maybe I missed my ex, or maybe I wanted to be the third baby-mama of the man who taught me how to love my own body. But I feel nothing towards them in particular and I didn't have the words to explain the anguish I felt to those who tried leaning an ear my way. The emotions felt deeper than just missing or yearning somebody from my past, but the explanations that came out of me only seemed to lean in that direction.

But the pot has finally simmered.

And I can finally put into words what my heart and mind have been begging to express.

I hate that everyone I have known, then and now, has proof that time has moved forward. A new home, a new baby, a new wife in a new place in a new stage in life takes time and energy. These kinds of things don't just happen. I have an apartment, a car, and a small position as a glorified cashier in a store.

I don't have a published book, or a new relationship to flaunt. I don't have a well-paying job or an upcoming vacation I can plan to run away from the feelings I pretend I don't pack in the suitcase I carry with me. The passage of time has always been the antagonist of my life and oddly enough, all it does is its job.

And it does it well, and it does it for everything and everyone else.

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ikubaes · 1 year

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i don’t know if you’ll ever see this because i don’t know if you visit these blogs the way i do.

i debated not writing this at all for a few weeks because i kept assuming i would eventually feel better like i always do, but maybe the wound is still fresh or i’m still waning back from talking to you every single day since two years ago, even when i was pulling 10 hour work days and coming home exhausted, but still feeling like i owed you some of my time because we were that close.

my days feel so empty without talking all the time and i never realized how much of a space i craved into my life for you until after i decided it was better to stop talking if things were just going to be like that. i guess i always knew we wouldn’t be able to do tomin forever or “playing dolls” like you called it, but it still feels so surreal to me even if they were just a make believe part of my life that i used to escape from my day to day. i can’t tell how many times i’ve teared up just merely thinking about it. i guess it is kinda my fault for still having so much around me that reminds me of you or tomin and stings further that i have to keep it to myself because there isn’t anyone else on the other side. i wonder if it really did get boring and you didn’t like any of the crazy stuff we head cannoned and did. or maybe it was the lack of writing that finally got to you. or maybe you just got bored of me.

i know i was a lot and i acted out a lot. i regret that. i keep crying these days. i don’t know why i’m being such a baby over a decision that i made. i think about what you mean when you said you missed feeling close to me and the wall i unconsciously put up because i was terrified of liking you back out of my own loneliness. i felt like in my head i was protecting you from how elastic my feelings are and all of the interpersonal issues that i have because i felt like you should move on from me and find someone who’s stable and won’t get annoyed with you over things you can’t control. i’m sorry it was hard to be my friend. i’m sorry for all of the work you put in to make me feel comfortable after what happened with us late 2021. i know we never really talked about it in depth because i thought it was premature and somehow we just never talked about it after. i still don’t really know how to feel— i wish i knew how to navigate these things productively without feeling like i’m the most inept person alive. i knew there was a lot to be workshopped on with us all things considered and i thought i was valid for bringing those points up but i recognized it wasn’t in good taste to bring up at that time. i do care about you a lot even now when i cry thinking about everything. i had such a hard time trusting you after how strained i felt during our hell months and i still felt so inferior to you all the time because of it. i wish i wasn’t so insecure. i really do wish i was better a lot. i really wished back then that i was more capable of tackling those problems head on instead of feeling so defeated and torn down. i really hoped i would get to the point especially when i started therapy and i reached out to you about wanting to forgive kian in my head for everything so i can finally start making strides. i don’t know why this is so hard right now. will it always be this hard? is this all one-sided? maybe you don’t care at all and you’re happy i’m finally gone. i really don’t know… i keep dreaming about this too. i breakdown so often because i feel so guilty and i wish i was better so things could’ve been better and we’d still be close as ever, no matter what title we use. i feel bad for even writing this.

i know the sentiment of “just be better” and i know it’s easier said than done since we’ve been told that by the other. i really don’t know what to do. i don’t know why i feel like this. i feel so selfish just venting this out on this blog. i guess i really can’t stand to be where you can’t see me. i really don’t know what to do… i don’t know if there’s anything to do. what should i do? i feel like a kid again in the worst way. i feel needy and ridiculously clingy and sensitive. i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know. were we not really that close? is this what i deserve?

i miss you so much. i miss you so much that it makes me feel pathetic. i thought i knew how it felt to hurt before, i thought i knew the true extent of suffering, but somehow this triumphs everything. i miss talking every day and i miss sending you stupid tiktoks and sending the most insane stories or threads we saw and dissecting them like we were neuroscientists creating a cure for depression. i even miss fighting with you because at least i had your full attention. i miss the stupid voice calls we had and you not being able to take me seriously during fights because you knew i sounded like i was fourteen. i think about the fact that your room has the black cat plushie i gifted you just 3 months into knowing you and the cake erasers or the fact that makeup i picked out specifically for you lives in your drawers with the rest of your belongings. i think about how weaved we were into each other’s lives. i think about the stupid raspberry donut. i miss the cat gifs. i miss hunting for every single bunny and cat gif possible to send to you every night when we said goodnight. i miss our routine. i miss sitting in hyperbeam for hours. i miss talking until 4-5am about absolutely everything and nothing with you, especially knowing i had something in the morning, but not caring because i just wanted to talk to you. i miss the little activities we used to do. i miss the time you set aside for me. i miss listening to your horror stories about your sister. i miss giggling about your chronicles with your mom. i miss you telling me about film school or your childhood years and how you ran around roleplaying as sasuke. i wish we got to play more genshin since you really liked it when we role-played ayaka and thoma on there. i miss being silly with you like that. i miss being corny with you. i miss being your friend. i miss being more than a friend with you. i miss being roleplay partners, i miss everyone being on our business during yangcheon days. i even miss our stupid hyejoo and ningning interactions. i just miss being around you. where am i supposed to put all of this?

i’m so overwhelmed by how much i feel right now. i just don’t know what it is to do. my heart hurts. my chest aches. maybe you really don’t care anymore and you don’t think it’s possible to work things out or maybe you are truly happy to be without me. i wouldn’t blame you if you felt that way. i hope this doesn’t come off as guilt trippy because i truly didn’t mean it that way and i know it’s overwhelming because it was overwhelming to even write this. it’s almost 6am and i can’t sleep because i’m stuck feeling like this. that is if you even read this. i really don’t know. i want to ask for another chance, but that feels so incredibly selfish. i really don’t know. i wish i knew. i really do wish i knew.

you asked me back then who you were to me. you’re someone i’ll never forget because of how you made me feel.

i love you. i’m always here if you need me.

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whatsnothappening · 2 years

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Part 1.

So, I want to spout off about suicidal thoughts and hard times. About your mid to late twenties. Dude it is amazing but horrible all at the same time. What the fuck am I doing? That’s what i say to myself at least once a day. I asked my husband last night if he could do me a favor and keep his guns in his safe and to not tell me the code anymore. Here lately I have been having these wild dreams. And they all end with me putting a bullet through my skull. Now, I am not reaching out for help from anyone if anyone reads this. I have a support system. I have a husband who is my safety blanket. He knows to keep his distance as I am one to fly off the handle if i feel like I am being babied. But he knows when he is needed. Here comes the same cheesy sentence almost every married couple says. He’s seen at my worst and he’s seen me at my best. It’s the damn truth. He’s seen me at times where I would never want anyone to see me. And he is still there. I have a father who is my best friend. Now he may not be the father figure I exactly needed but he is the best friend I needed. He had is mistakes but he is here now to give me the fatherly advice and best friend advice I need. And to be honest….I need that now more than I needed it as a child. I am extremely blessed to have the friend group that I have. Especially at my age. I still have my two grade school friends by my side and I have amazing friends I have made through college and work. I am supported. But even with support. (IMO) I feel you still need to speak to yourself… via, diary hand written, typed, voice notes, videos etc. i feel it is very healthy to talk to your self. So this is why I am doing this. I do not see this going anywhere. As I’ve said in my past daily thoughts… if anyone can relate to this that’s beautiful. But I don’t need help. But thank you for reading. ANYWHO. these dreams. They are graphic. And they horrify me. Most nights they wake me up as a jump scare, randomly they do pull on the old heart strings and bring out tears some more hysterical than others. And I have random thoughts when things get tough where I think god it would be easier to just give up. Or I say to myself I can’t handle this anymore. I know I’m going to wake up tomorrow and do the same thing again. Go to work, enjoy time with my coworkers and clients. Come home, love on my dogs. Enjoy some time with my husband. I’ll get up and enjoy getting ready, enjoy my first sip of Dunkin’. Enjoy my first conversation with a new client. Enjoy my drive home, no traffic. I get to hit my pen and get a little buzz. Sing my favorite songs. I mean my days are good. The thing with me is, I have an issue of not being able to slow down. I have seen a couple tik toks that’s I really relate too. I can’t remember the song, but a song plays and the person looks so happy in this picture or video, and then all of a sudden the music cuts and it’s just hectic sounds and a bunch of pictures come in and out quickly and they are all over a time period of months to a year or over a few years… and it’s all very hectic, and then there’s the same person. But you sometimes barely recognize them. And they just stare of blankly and the tik tok is done. Those are very dramatized..obviously. I mean it’s tik tok. But the concept of that video is seriously how you feel if you’ve gone through a time period of that sort. There’s one day where you just randomly “wake up” from that trance of just going through the motions of life. And for me what happens with that is that I am just going through my daily motions that I forget to do the side work of self care and keeping my life together. I realize I have countless doctors appointments that I have missed and need to get to, I have bills piled up. My dogs haven’t been groomed, I am all of a sudden living in filth, my hair is sad. I haven’t told my husband I loved him a while or reminded how handsome and how I am so infatuated with his personality and his way of thinking. I haven’t called my dad in months, I haven’t talked to mother in forever and I live with her.

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wanderedaway · 2 years

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An update no one asked for, but it's a little easier to vent this way. 😅

It's been rough, to say the least, the last month or two or three? I've kinda lost track at the moment. Between work, car responsibilities, home responsibilities, lack of sleep and rest, guilt for not having time or energy spend with the people I want to see . . . the list goes on. It all really fed into a depressive spiral.

The timing for my (can't really call it vacation) couldn't have been better in a way. We'll just call it time off from work.

My mom injured her foot and can't put any weight on it. We've been icing it and keeping her off her feet in the meantime. She doesn't want to be immobile, but until we get the pain and the swelling down, within reason, she'll have to stay put. I'm just glad I was home when it happened because I worry she wouldn't have gotten to a phone to call me and if I hadn't scheduled this week off, I would very likely have been at work.

So I've taken up all the responsibilities that mom usually would have taken care of, as well as doing what I can to help her. It already feels like it's going to be a long week.

Those who work as caregivers, I don't know how you do it, but I have a deepened respect for what you do. It's only been two days and I'm struggling to keep it together and cried several times out of the frustration, feeling helpless, and stress that hasn't really gone away over the last few months. I want her to be comfortable and feel better, but it's going to take some time. We both need to be patient. (Why don't you take her to the hospital? You might ask. As of now, she can't walk. When we can get her walking, I'll ask her again about possibly going in somewhere to check if anything is broken, but trying to go to a doctor right now presents it's own set of problems. My parents are technically not married, though they've been in what's called a common law marriage for years now, it's not recognized in the state we live in as a real marriage, so she can't be on his insurance plan through his work. The bills alone, she nor my dad could afford. On top of some plumbing issues we have that need to be fixed among other things around the house that my dad just won't take care of now.)

My instinct right now is to drop everything and help. To give my everything if it will make someone feel better. Then I always fall into this worry that maybe what I do isn't enough, but when mom told me that I was and she loved me for it, more than she can say, I can't help but feel like it's a lie. That temporary validation felt nice in the moment, but then it's gone just as quickly. I weigh it in my mind, should I just believe her? How do I really know? If I allow myself to believe her, how do I know that that is how she'll always feel? What if she's just saying it? Maybe I shouldn't believe her. Then maybe I won't get hurt this time. There are things I can't discuss about our relationship and we haven't always been close. I haven't got the courage to discuss it with her again anyway, now that I'm older, but it feeds into the doubt I always have. I hate that it lingers there in the back of my mind. Not just with her, but with everything and everyone (to put it somewhat simply).

How do I know if someone truly cares about me? I just feel like it's impossible for me to tell when I'll always feel like I could never be enough or worthy of it. For every part kindness or positive trait that people see in me, I'm equal parts reserved and cynical and difficult to get to know and stubborn. I feel selfish when I want something, no matter how small it is. I'm not the best person to be around all the time. It's hard to pretend that everything is okay, when it's not, especially when it's internalized. And to continually do that is exhausting. I want to tell people the truth about how I feel, but I don't want to burden anyone with it. So it's easier to withhold it. A lot of it.

Funny how I say that now, but here I am, laying it out online. Not all of it, though. 😅 I've already said too much.

Writing it out helps, I think, if you feel like you can't talk to someone.

#anyhoo don't mind me #the weight in my chest is a little lighter now #i guess it kinda pays off to write about it #whether it's a vent post or slipped into one of my WIPs #even though some of the feelings linger it doesn't take as much space in the brain as it did

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ozora-tt · 2 years

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Hello there…

This is surprising because I specifically requested that the author write my story last, which plainly did not happen because I am the first to narrate the story. To be honest, I’m rather upset since no one, and I mean no one, enjoys going first. Don’t worry though, I’m not going to betray you by telling you some dull story; instead, let me save you time and jump right into it. Erica is my given name. Erica Royal.

I don’t enjoy disclosing my age, but to give you a clear picture of myself, I turned 22 earlier this year; however, as narrators, we will not provide our dates of birth because it’s against the guidelines. The author claims that she prefers not to reveal too much about the key characters because she wants you to use your imagination to picture who I am. With that out of the way, you’ll have to figure out what star sign I fall under. Luckily for you, I’ll provide you with all the nit and grit you’ll need to make this journey entertaining.

Let me begin by mentioning that I despise being among people; I prefer my own privacy and feel safer in my own home. I will, however, occasionally go out with my “friends” because I am in university, and you know how the pressure can get to you. I won’t mislead you; I only have one friend. I don’t have many friends since my mother moves us around a lot, and it’s easier for me to avoid becoming attached to many individuals. Don’t bother trying to figure out why my mother keeps moving us around; I’ve given up. When it comes to coping with her troubles, I swear she’s worse than I am.

Don’t get me wrong: I still adore her since she takes care of me so well. She encourages me when I’m down, and I don’t know about you, but my mother recognizes that I’m a sad person. She attempts to put a smile on my face every day by getting me whatever I desire, starting with the fact that she bought me a car for my birthday this year. Yes, I do have a license, boo. Don’t you? If you don’t, I strongly advise you to STOP RIGHT NOW and GET YOUR LICENSE. I won’t be able to take you on the N1, so don’t waste your time reading and fantasizing about me.

Anyway, my friend’s name is Lethabo, and believe me when I say he is the funniest person I’ve ever encountered. His life is kind of a movie; there’s drama with him and his major friends with benefits every day, and he seems not to care. I wish I had the ability to be more like him. Be more social and outgoing. I’m sure people are perplexed as to how a cool person like him and a girl like me became friends. Lethabo seems to like me, as in he wants to sleep with me, but I told him I wouldn’t break my virginity until twenty-five. He insists he can wait, which I’m sure he won’t besides he’s not my type. I’m sorry, but he really is a kind guy, or at least tries to be.

It’s just that I’m wary of boys. All my mother’s stories about them and their manhood frightens me, but I promised myself that when I’m twenty-five, I’ll finally face my fear. I have everything figured out; I will have graduated by that age and will be a successful game developer. Because I have the greatest body of all time, I will be a hot sexy nerd. I’m stripping the first tall dark and attractive gentleman that gives me that “come here baby” gesture. Don’t overthink things; it all makes sense in my head.

I’ve decided to brief you about an event that occurred four years ago. I probably should have stated that I am bisexual at the beginning. For those of you who don’t know what bisexual means, a bisexual is a person who is sexually attracted to both males and females, according to several descriptions available on the internet. Being a part of the LGBT community is the greatest, like we’re the most vibrant individuals on the planet. Don’t get me wrong: I think you’re still awesome even if you’re not one of the magnificent humans. You are great because you decided to read about my story. With that stated, accepting my sexuality was not simple for me.

In fact, I felt like I was lost for a while. Because I grew up in a home where God was the foundation, I struggled to accept myself after reading the Bible. Until I relocated to Groblersdal, a little town in Mpumalanga. That place was unpleasant; it was scorching hot, worse than Limpopo. Thabile was my friend at the time, and she was a majestic lady who understood the kind woman she was, she was nasty as in a flirtations’ beautiful queen who always got what she desired. When it comes to the types of friends I have, it’s evident that I always attract the absolute opposite.

Because she was so stunning, she always wore the shortest skirts with the aim to show of her shapely legs. Her hair and nails were up to date every time I saw her. Due to her, I appear presentable, although before we met, all I wore were baggy Karki trousers and black hoodies. When I used to go to her house for sleepovers, she would question, “Why are you hiding all those curves?” We used to have lip-sync battles in front of the mirror all the time, and she never made me feel uncomfortable about not being as attractive as she was. When I think about her, I realize she was one of my favorites out of all the places I’ve resided and the people I’ve met. Although we went to different high schools, I only got to see her after school and on weekends.

I’m disappointed I’ll have to put the story to a stop, but don’t sweat, I’ll pick up where I left off in Second of Erica. Meanwhile, don’t forget to like, comment, follow, and share on social media. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to see you soon.

This piece was the first story I wrote. I named the character Erica because she represents all those flowers that are still yet to bloom and discover their sexuality. She was inspired by my experience as well as adding a bit of fiction to liven her up. The Last of Erica is the final episode. Go to Ozora.art.blog for more stories and content.

#ozora's blog #writing #blog #her #original #wordsmith #story telling #lgbtqplus #lgbt fiction #fiction #character art #original character #writing inspo #first story #First story time #Erica #Royal

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