#but also. sometimes just in process

[itspileofgoodthings]

is everything terrible or is it just the damp of the first spring rain

#no but really. I adore this moment so much #because it’s eowyn’s whole problem and the problem of her circumstances in microcosm #she is alone and cold. the city has fallen silent. there’s no one there. there’s no one to balance out her view #there’s no one to stand next to her and see things for what they are #yes—painful dark difficult #but also. sometimes just in process #sometimes just hidden in shadow #sometimes just the curve of the valley #sometimes just the damp of the first spring rain!!!!!!!!!!! #you can’t see that truth on your own and if you try to be positive you tip into delusion #you can’t achieve balance on your own. and so just. #him stepping up to stand next to her. his hand going into hers. saying I do not believe this darkness will endure #it just rights the ship of her soul in a way that hasn’t happened yet #because no one has ever stood beside her #or maybe it’s a part of the righting of her soul—Theoden and Eomer both have their moments where they draw near her and around her #in a way they didn’t (couldn’t? didn’t?) before #but then he’s just the last piece. someone from outside. someone who sees her with such clear eyes. who loves her with such a hopeful heart #and all of her angst just washes away #sorry I’m just having a breakdown over here #Eowyn’s story kills me. I think about it all the time. I think about her isolation and her innocence and her bravery and her vulnerability #and her unsteadiness and her desire for glory and how pure and bright and vivid like flame she is and Faramir just being there to catch her #and let her be who she actually is. I JUST——— #lotr liveblogging

[crabsnpersimmons]

CRAB IS YOUR MOON OKAY WITH HUGS?

PLEASE THIS GUYS NEED SOME AFFECTION

LET ME JUST-

GHHHHHH-/pos

#fnaf moon #Moon New Do Same You AU #fnaf dca #dca fandom #mutual shenanigans #other people's art #crab art #traditional art #Moon likes hugs #but he's very particular about them #he prefers hugs around his shoulders or his waist #he does not like being hugged from behind #he does not like being hugged by surprise #he's a bit skittish #like a cat #you have to learn his habits #and sometimes just wait for him to come to you #you know i am up to No GoodTM when i draw extreme close ups of Moon and his back #i also don't know what possessed me to do this in watercolours #but... i'm okay with the final look #i'm just very rusty #and i remembered why the last time i painted in watercolour i went into an artblock #it really do be a “trust the process” kinda deal #also for people who saw the wip #haHA you thought this was about moon ass but it was actually MOON ANGST #MOON ANGST FRIDAY #i always post my moon angst on friday it seems

[stevetwisp]

still not over the fact ive spent the last couple of years becoming so lethargic and depressed it's become nearly impossible to motivate myself to do anything, including eating- despite this i make a point of going outside everyday bc my body struggles with processing certain vitamins

well yesterday i found out my body has not been processing vitamin d for who knows how long, which is causing my lethargy and lack of appetite and depression, and i am starting a treatment that involves being given a 50x the regular amount dose to get my body back in balance

im both excited and feel so vindicated i knew something was going wrong and im so glad to finally get some treatment

here's hoping i can finally become a functioning human being

#after being discharged at 18 from a children's hospital i have struggled to find a doctor familiar with my liver condition to take me on #like as a regular family patient so like shoutout to this practice for taking me in and immediately educating me on how to read my #blood work results #and also catching that nothing is being processed which explains SO MUCHHHHHHH i eat fairly healthy- #i can binge candy sometimes but thats not the problem bc my body isnt processing any of the veggies i eat im basically just ingesting water

[wttcsms]

horribly short summary of what im trying to accomplish here, but if you were to read a fic featuring character, a soldier honorably discharged and is officially off the battlefield and yet he can’t seem to shake off the war from clinging to his body, and he’s basically a bit of a mess and feels incapable of returning to ordinary life and there’s you, the sweetest thing in the whole world, and he keeps trying to tell you he’s no good and you’re there to help him with everything (and it kills him a bit, to see you wasting your time to help him, and it kills him because he feels like he shouldn’t be the type of person who needs help) and !! just slowburn and falling in love and just read the tags for the vibe ok, who would it be for

#i was originally thinking ghost from cod since hello there’s so much source material to work with #and the fic would suit him nicely but also idk if i have cod readers left on my blog #so any characters are fine like an aot character would also prob fit the bill for this #but ive just been thinking abt everyone who’s analyzing hozier’s snippet #with how he takes his coffee black and his whiskey neat and how this girl is too sweet FOR HIM #as in… not being deserving of something so nice #and feeling that way but also showing how in the healing process - in the process of getting better - #we start to discover that we are allowed to enjoy and indulge in nice things. that we also deserve to live a life full of sweetness #and it’s a bit serious since it will touch on ptsd; on survivors guilt #and the fic is long - spanning from getting together to him having kids w u #& how even after all this time sometimes the war is still fresh as ever on his mind #and just !!! it’s a lot #also that Taylor line that’s like ‘is it really your anxiety that keeps you from giving me everything? #‘or do you just not want to’ + ‘you wouldn’t be the first renegade to need somebody’

[podcastenthusiast]

Sure it's all fun and games Tav telling Astarion to "say please" and calling him a good boy before having sex, but he'd have a mini panic attack if Tav explained safewords and like actually gave a shit about his wellbeing in bed.

#rotating astarion thoughts around in my head like a salad spinner #i don't think he's ace exactly although trauma is a valid reason to be but i do think his feelings about sex vary a lot #and sometimes he might not be comfortable with it even in the best circumstances. sometimes it's gonna be too much #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #lots of good smut but ngl i want more fics just processing this stuff. how to heal your trauma when all you know is pain and manipulation #maybe that means not having sex but also that's how his worth has been defined for so long so what then? uuugh #astarion romance

[unproduciblesmackdown]

ooh big hug

#procrastinated drawing for eons & couldn't really muster the original intention....c'est la vie; be em cee #bmc #corned beef #go for it for like an hour. yolo: two #beautifully plausible given that they're pretty readily affectionate in various ways from the start #also just reminded myself like in the bwaycon panel i love that i have no idea whether george implied [you know me i cry: often / rarely] #when he sometimes does the relatively flat to dead serious affect While Being Humorous that i can't parse w/o further info/context lmao #i.e. at one point he matter of factly says he doesn't cry while referring to his adventures of taking a walk & thinking abt bway debuts #before starting to process an Emotional Reaction abt bway transfer news; later he definitely humorously starts another story w/the stage #setting of talking w/someone & ''...we were cryinnng 9w9'' lol like either he means [even though yes it's rare XD] or [as per usual! fr!] #just part of his mystique lmao. keep em guessing (me) #so anyhow and you hit im with the And I Mean It embrace

[katabay]

Omar El Akkad's forward to the Annotated Arabian Nights: Tales from 1001 Nights (trans. Yasmine Seale)

#book club tag #thought about making a book club side blog. but actually. i will keep it here but i'll keep the prev tag as it's dedicated tag #also the joy of reading and finding beautiful turns of phrases is 90% of why i include citations in much of what i post #and i want to pass that happiness on to whoever might find a similar delight in reading it. you know?? sometimes i don't have art #to go with it. i just really! loved what something had to say! i got nothing else to add! anyway. book club tag. will be the tag for this #also this is like. GOD. this is thee creative statement of the century. the drive to tell stories. i love!! this forward!!!!!!!! #i was listening to the Something Rotten spoilercast episode about Alan Wake 2 and I'm OBSESSED with everything they had to say #about how this is a game that's very aware of the creative process. it is!!!!! IT IS!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!! #this is. poetry to me. i will be turning this around in my head and also chewing on AW2 forever

[iliadeleart]

#my art #astarion #I don’t feel very good posting #I really don’t like being online #but seeing fanart of characters I like does improve my mood sometimes #so I thought maybe I could also do that for someone #and also I had fun trying a new and way faster painting process with this one #I might not post again for a while though #It just doesn’t feel good #Tumblr feels slightly better bc it feels more intimate and like shouting into the void #so it’s more freeing yanno #anyway #hot pink for the hot boi #astarion acunin #bg3 astarion #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

[tj-crochets]

Went to the doctor just for a check up and he basically just told me "your body just processes sugar very well! :) :) :) It's a good thing! :) :) :) It can't possibly be the source of your symptoms even though eating fixes it :) :) :)" But there was also a moment when talking about my iron deficiency that is possibly one of the funniest things a doctor has ever said to me, up with the cardiologist who said "you're a medical mystery": He was going over my blood test results, and said "Your iron levels haven't gone up at all, they are still extremely low, but you're not anemic anymore" And I was like how am I not anemic anymore??? And he said "Your hemoglobin levels have gone up...somehow..." while frowning at the blood test results on his computer. It was very "somehow, palpatine has returned" lol

#the person behind the yarn #medical mention #food mention #he did at one point say the iron issue is probably an absorption issue #which. give this is either my third or my sixth absorption issue (depending on if you count electrolytes) #I'm not exactly surprised but I'm also not thrilled #at some point it stops being 'your body is very good at processing' and starts being #'your body just yeets all nutrients out of it!' #I am on two different medications to make me retain salt more #like. one that is 100% the entire reason I take that med #one that that's a side effect of that med strong enough they thought I shouldn't take both together #until they did bloodwork to check (and found it was appropriate to take both) #and I STILL need a RIDICULOUS amount of salt #and sometimes! even with two different meds and like four different kinds of salt pills! I straight up do not retain salt! #I get super dehydrated and cannot fix it for days! #and I am more tired of it than I perhaps realized #just real tired of doctors going 'your body is just so efficient at processing :) :) :)' #I am already doing all the low blood sugar things. smaller more frequent meals lots of protein lots of complex carbs #not looking for advice just wanted to share the 'somehow...your hemoglobin has gone up' #because I do genuinely find that really funny

[uncanny-tranny]

There's something so insane to me about being able to create and recreate vintage or even ancient music, clothes, fabrics, building architecture, anything, really.

I watched this video about a lady who knit a WWII-era vest, and it was really unique, because the cable work would eat up yarn, when there were shortages of fibers. This pattern would have likely been used by people to send overseas to soldiers, and now it's being created in a time where this war has been over for generations. What were the people making this pattern thinking of? What about the people making the vest? Could they fathom a world where world wars didn't happen back to back? Could they imagine what peace felt like, or did it fade like a distant memory, a faint friend? All we have now are the remnants of their efforts, a "simple" vest that would warm the bodies of countless people the knitter would never have imagined were here on earth with them.

We're reaching across time to learn about other people - we're reaching our hands out just to grasp anything tangible. And when we've take hold of something, all we can do is say I love you I love you I love you

#positivity #art #i also come across this absolutely stunning woman who collects vintage pieces from the '50s and it's just. it's mind boggling #or how we've found ancient sheet music and have recreated its contents #do you ever think about how we're time travelers #do you ever think about what might be recreated of us in the future #this isn't about nostalgia baiting but about how we learn and process the ways that people in the past lived #you don't have to feel nostalgic for WWII to be intrigued by this (it would be very concerning if one WAS nostalgic for WWII) #i just. i die a little inside because i know i will never know everything... #...i will never know every lottle thing about people in the past especially... #...and i am never completely satisfied because only a very selective amount of things are preserved and remembered... #...i wonder then what 'forgotten' people thought and felt and how they lived... #...especially as individuals or as a small clan of family and friends. i want to know them intomately - as if i myself have become emeshed.. #...does this make sense. i don't just want to know about nobles and kings and the wealthy... #...i want to know what the lacemaker for a king felt making lace for the royals... #...i want to know what the rice field worker thought about when the fields were flooded and they swatted a bug away from their skin... #...i want to know what a mother of a small child thought when churning butter - her baby cooing and making a mess... #...and it sucks sometimes to know that we're time travelers but in a very narrow sense. but i still love what we have got... #...don't get me wrong i love it. but i still grieve that we have lost a lot of history - a lot of people... #...or maybe we have only lost them in the sense that we just haven't located and found them *yet* #anyway i've watched that video multiple times now and i just go absolutely animalistic thinking about it #all of this is complex and i have Plenty of thoughts about that. but at least to me this is what i've seen a lot - a lot of love #and isn't studying this - recreating it and analyzing it - isn't that a form of love? #am i... a nosy person..........

[idolomantises]

there's something so comforting about artists you admire talking about their own struggles and insecurities

#txt #was watching supereyepatchwolf's video on chainsaw man again and listening to fujimoto express regret about things he didnt learn #and how he's clearly envious of his peers is so... comforting? #i think about my own strengths and flaws and often times i get so frustrated with my shortcomings #im not good at drawing feet; my backgrounds are purposefully simplistic and lack a lot of detail; sometimes my designs have a tendency to #overlap or feel very 'safe' in terms of what i really want to do #its why; despite my love for clowning on media and animated works. i never want to feel like its from a place of malice #the joy of art is always seeing those little mistakes and nuances. its also noticing the achievements other creators have made that you #still lack #even for a certain hell-based show i love to poke fun at for its many. many issues. its undeniable how incredibly passionate the work is. #and i do respect anyone who is willing to get their flawed media out there (myself included) #i see stuff about people calling me their inspo or how flattered they are when i compliment their work and its like. gee. i hold myself at #such a high bar and even still im always surprise when people tell me how much my work moved and changed them #i really love writing just little fun things that i just dont really see anyone else touching and its kind of fun how despite my own #personal grievances with my own flaws and mistakes #people really do find things that they love within them. #anyways I know this is getting long but I’ve just been getting sentimental abt the creation of art #sometimes people make fun of me for love of drawing women and lesbians and bugs and so on #and while I will never let me deter me from my process. sometimes it does get to me #but then I remember that I love doing this and could ever see myself holding back #and knowing despite how other people feel. I have so many followers who resonate with my weird ass shit #that it’s all worth it. ya know?

[neorukixart]

Silphymon rkgk screenshot redraw from the 20th Anniversary Memorial Stories Project.

Was tring to experiment a few things while hyping over the fact that THE BEGINNING is just around the corner over here aidfjospabvghdifxagndjfoa dissapointed that cinemas near me only have it dubbed and I wanted to watch it subbed first ;w;

Reference below~

ikemen jogress~

#digimon #digimon adventure 02 #silphymon #02beginning #kinda xD #I know I hype over Paildramon + Impe more often but I also love Silphymon so much ;w; #being a v-mon oshi sometimes is counterproductive XDD #don't ask me about my process with this one because I don't remember #I just blacked out and poof it was done... kinda

[lemony-snickers]

x reader fiction can be so healing, actually.

#just binged a fic which spoke to all my deep contradiction & complication & confusion re: parenthood and when I tell you I fuckin sobbed #x reader #it’s just that yes sometimes seeing a story unfold through “your” eyes can hit differently #and when you find that sweet spot of emotional catharsis and fulfillment it really can have a profound impact #idc how “cringe” the modality is #thank you to all the content creators who have helped me process trauma and feelings I sometimes can’t even put voice to #y’all the real mvps #everything I’ve ever cried about in therapy I’ve also cried about in an x reader fic I’m not even joking #thank you for coming to my tag talk

[batfossil-fr]

I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art

#my mental health is starting to improve a bit #took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me #ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while #like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit #so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected #diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier #i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome #just learning how to enjoy things again overall #one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post #and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on #even when I wasn’t actively practicing #just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles #i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors #i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao #i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again #for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments #i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all #that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully #starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing #so who knooowwwsss #rambles #funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL #i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first #anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over

[ghost-proofbaby]

hahahaaaaa what if i dropped out of college and tried to figure out a way to publish my writing hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

#i’m sick of the grind bro #sometimes i read popular published books and just go ‘my writing is similar. could i also get published???’ #it’s such an exhaustive process tho 🥲 #and self publishing is so fucking expensive #fuck man #i do Not Know what i’m doing with my life #ive got ONE party trick #and ive got ONE fantasy trilogy id consider publishing that isnt posted as fanfic #who knows #i’m just in a silly goofy mood

[hephaestuscrew]

Pan-Pan, Boléro, and Minkowski's different responses to loss

I want to compare two key lines of Minkowski's which indicate very different responses to grief:

In Ep29 Pan-Pan, Minkowski breaks down and says "Doug Eiffel is gone! There was nothing we could do to save him. It wasn't anyone's fault. It's horrible, and pointless, and it just happened."

In contrast, after arriving at the funeral in Ep46 Boléro, she says "[Lovelace, Hilbert and Maxwell are dead] to make the fact that we're not gone yet important. They're gone... so that we never forget how important it is that we're still here." 

TL;DR: In Pan-Pan, Minkowski expresses her unprocessed grief through despair and hopelessness. Whereas in Boléro, she is able to find hope in the loss and lead her crew in trying to move forward. I suggest a significant reason of the difference is the presence of Eiffel to force Minkowski to confront and process the sense of loss.

Pan-Pan: "It's horrible, and pointless, and it just happened"

In Pan-Pan, the whole episode is full of anger and despair, but Minkowski speaking about the horrible pointlessness of losing Eiffel is one of the most painful and hopeless moments. It doesn't feel like she's really speaking to the others. She's focused on her internal despair (as suggested by the fact that she goes on to talk about the cracks, which Lovelace and Hilbert aren't supposed to know about).

The only potentially positive thing Minkowski says here is her recognition that "it wasn't anyone's fault". When Hera and Hilbert have been blaming Lovelace, and Minkowski has been blaming herself, it's significant that she acknowledges that sometimes a horrible thing just happens without there being anyone to blame. 

But in this context, and in the tone of voice Minkowski uses, even the lack of blame doesn't really feel like a positive thing. If Eiffel becoming stranded was just pointless and random, if there was nothing any of them could have done to save him, then the next tragedy might be just as unpredictable and unpreventable. Minkowski strikes me as the kind of person who can sometimes fall into the trap of subconsciously wishing that the awful thing is her fault because then at least she'd have control over something. In her train of thought here, the lack of blame is followed by focusing on how horrible and pointless what happened to Eiffel was. The only conclusion she can draw is "it just happened". There's no sense of hope in those lines. Eiffel being stranded just happened, and so do the cracks, and the crew are at the whims of brutal fortune with no meaning to any of it.

Boléro: "They're gone... so that we never forget how important it is that we're still here"

In Boléro, Minkowski can't even say that the tragedy wasn't anyone's fault. For each of the deaths, someone pulled a trigger. There is blame, and some of it lies at her feet. She didn't want to come to the funeral because at first she didn't know what she could say about the deaths she feels responsible for.

Yet even so, this time she finds something reassuring she can say to her crew, a grain of hope she can provide without attempting to diminish the loss: "[they're gone] to make the fact that we're not gone yet important. They're gone... so that we never forget how important it is that we're still here."

In another show, or another context, this kind of line might have had an 'everything happens for a reason' tone, which is something I deeply dislike as a response to other people's loss. But it doesn't feel like that's what Minkowski is saying here at all. She isn't trying to make any grand philosophical statement about the ultimate beneficence of the universe, or about how mortality gives meaning to human life. What she says here is working on a much more personal level. It's more about finding something other than despair that the crew can take from what has happened. This tragedy may still be horrible, but it provides a reminder that they are still alive in a context where that's far from guaranteed. Minkowski emphasises that the fact the survivors are alive matters - her crew matters. I'd argue that this contrasts with the 'it just happened' outlook discussed above. 

I don't know how much Minkowski fully feels the importance of them still being there in the moment, but it's something that she can offer her crew, something that she can say in a situation that words can't grasp. I think the moment when she joins the funeral is such a key moment of her leadership. In the end, despite her doubts and struggles, she's there for her crew. Eiffel brought them together for a funeral, but he doesn't know what to say when Hera asks why they have to be gone. Minkowski enters just at the right moment to support her crew and she provides an answer to Hera's question. It's not a perfect answer, but it allows the funeral to move forward. It allows the crew to move forward (even if that emotional movement is somewhat thrown off by a dramatic change in the circumstances). Minkowski starts off the eulogies; she leads her crew in the acknowledgement of what's been lost.

Why such a difference in responses?

There's lots of ways you could interpret the difference between the outlook of these two moments, and there's probably more to say about it though the lens of Minkowski's character development than I'm going to say here. But for me, the main difference between these moments is that, in Pan-Pan, it feels like no processing or recognition of grief has really occurred. When Minkowski says "Doug Eiffel is gone!", it almost feels like the first time that Minkowski has fully confronted and acknowledged the loss. Eiffel has been lost in space for 116 days, but it's only at the end of this episode that Minkowski brings herself to say in her distress calls that he is "presumed dead". Whereas in Boléro, she's already eulogising the dead and thinking about what can be learned from the loss, not even a full day after the mutiny.

Obviously there is much less ambiguity to a body bag (or least there would be, if not for alien interference). But I can't help thinking that the difference between the attitudes towards loss which Minkowski displays in these two quotes is less about the difference in the kind of loss, and more about a situation that prompted and enabled the processing of emotions in Boléro: namely, the funeral. After Eiffel was stranded in space, I think Minkowski probably went months without looking her grief in the eye. But after the deaths of Lovelace, Hilbert, and Maxwell, Eiffel's suggestion of a funeral forces Minkowski to confront her complicated emotions and provides a space in which she can offer direction to her grieving crew.

This is a good illustration of how I think Minkowski and Eiffel complement and support each other in a really valuable way. On his own, Eiffel couldn't provide the leadership that the crew needed for the funeral to work. But without Eiffel, and his determination to recognise the emotional weight of the three deaths, the funeral would never have happened and Minkowski would never have been in a position to provide hope and direction to her crew. When Eiffel was the one the Hephaestus crew were grieving, Minkowski couldn't offer much emotional direction to her crew beyond despair. But when Eiffel is beside her in the grief, saying that the grief deserves to be felt, then Minkowski can find a way for them to move forward emotionally. It's not the deaths that remind them how important it is that they are still here. It's the grief. It's the ability to confront that grief together.

#Wolf 359 #w359 #Renée Minkowski #Renee Minkowski #Doug Eiffel #I know that this is a lot to say about two short-ish quotes but I think they are symbolic / indicative of broader patterns #Also some of this probably contradicts things that I've said at other points #about how Minkowski dealt with Eiffel being stranded in space #But it's complicated. okay? #Sometimes I want to think about her grieving him and what that would look like #And sometimes I want to think about how in his absence she's much less able to process her emotions at all #Either way I'm emotional about them #This wasn't even initially meant to be a Minkowski & Eiffel post tbh #I just had this thought as I was writing this #It also wasn't meant to be 1000 words but these things just happen #Btw when I say I dislike the idea 'everything happens for a reason' #I fully respect if people find that a useful approach for their own personal misfortunes #but as soon as you start saying it to anyone else who is suffering #it feels distasteful to me #Maybe everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason is shit etc #Eiffel & Minkowski #w359 spoilers #Wolf 359 spoilers #the empty man posteth #tw death #tw grief