#but also i couldn't stop talking

[nipuni]

THE DOCTOR We had a pact, him and me. Every star in the universe, we were going to see them all.

My version of The Master and The Doctor in their Academy days 😊

A speedpaint video of this will be available at my Patreon on april 1st!

#doctor who #thoschei #doctor x master #academy era #my art #My thought process for their appearances here was sort of an average between their incarnations #the doctor is mostly taller and has messier and usually lighter hair while the master is shown to have had black hair in a flashback #also since Hartnell had white hair as an old man and we are not sure what color his hair was I thought what if it was always white #I've seen most draw him as blond but couldn't find any sources for it so I just went with this instead because it looks cool #I had fun making Prydonian robes designs!! I would love to design a bunch of Gallifreyan fashion for each Chapter and House it seems so fun #I also wanted to draw a Gallifreyan night!! since I never see any depictions of it even tho the planet should have nights #even if it's a binary system since the orbits would have to be very large for gravitational stability both suns would set at similar times #anyway I'll stop talking lmao 🫡

[divorcedfiddleford]

and you may say to yourself: "my god! what have i done?" and you may tell yourself: "this is not my beautiful wife!" and you may tell yourself: "this is not my beautiful house!" and you may ask yourself: "well, how did i get here?"

time isn't holding up, time isn't after us, time is a pony ride! (images described in alt text)

#gravity falls #fiddleford mcgucket #LETTING THE [FIDDLEFORD FRI]DAYS GO BY #“sir it's tuesday” i know. my computer has been busted for two weeks so i couldn't post them when i wanted to. just let me have this #again still new to alt text. i like being a little bit silly but let me know if it gets in the way of accessibility #artwork of the damned #uhhhh yeah this is actually something ive kind of wanted to draw for years now #favorite guy + favorite band = prime high-effort meme material #also. for the record. yes i have a mcgucket playlist. yes it has three talking heads songs on it. no none of them are “once in a lifetime” #also also i know that the lyrics in the description are in the wrong order. it's on purpose. i put them backwards for dramatic effect #also also also i'm pretty sure the “time is a pony ride” line is not actually sung on the album version of the track #but if you listen to/watch the live version from “stop making sense” you will hear it! #as well as hear a much more satisfying ending to the song imo. rather than it just fading out it has some really nice vocals #basically the moral of this story is you should watch “stop making sense” #if you made it to the end of the tags: congrats! you win a prize! the prize is permission to reblog this post

[softhe4rted]

on loneliness jenny slate / japanese breakfast, posing for cars / corinne von lebusa, big glow / dadushin / alejandra pizarnik, tr. me / fka twings, home with you / avocado_ibuprofen / fiona apple, left alone / anne carson, “the anthropology of water”, plainwater / kiki smith, free fall / alejandra pizarnik, diaries

#hi my post #oooooohhh this is just a compilation of my own feelings lately #i know i have a red de apoyo i know i have my dearest friends but it's so hard to not feel alone when we're so far away #idk i just miss school and having someone to talk to everyday i'm not a text gal i need to hear your voice i need to see you i need someone #to caress my hair i need contact i need closeness i need to know somebody hears me #it's not all bad i do love my solitude but i just .... i just think in a room full of people nobody would choose me #lol i'm gonna stop now i just always use my tags as a venting space xd #also yes i had the audacity to translate alejandra pizarnik but i just couldn't find that bit already translated and i really wanted it her #web weaving #on loneliness #loneliness tag #being alone #jenny slate #japanese breakfast #posing for cars #corinne von lebusa #dadu shin #alejandra pizarnik #fka twigs #home with you #fiona apple #left alone #anne carson #plainwater #kiki smith #parallels #poetry #prose #words #lyrics

[mewtwo24]

I just started reading the svsss volumes (and re-read them again because A LOT IS GOING ON) but like. This shit is so hysterically funny I don't even know where to begin.

Was no one????? Going to tell me that one of the cornerstone jokes in the damn series is that lbh's adoration for his one and only 'tism person who literally cannot express his emotions to save his life is basically genetic?????????

Was no one???? No one AT ALL going to tell me that Mobei-Jun straight up yeets Airplane at the problem in one of the scenes?????? And that in the most hilarious twist of fate Airplane then unyeets Mobei-Jun not twenty minutes later?????

It's one thing to see people joke about sqq and lbh being unable to communicate but it's on a league of its own when you have to read HUNDREDS OF PAGES of sqq's inner monologue be like 'that's my darling boy. my baby. my sugar plum pumpy umpkin you're my sweetie pie' but on the outside he says "get lost binghe" and somehow deems that an effective expression of his affection that lbh will surely understand. 'Why is lbh whining and crying and tugging at my sleeve like a plaintive wife, why is he so angry?' Sqq asks, the entire circus, as lbh is about to fling himself off a cliff for attention--

In short, MXTX is the queer comedian of our generation and nobody appreciates her enough

#svsss #bingqiu #shen qingqiu #luo binghe #mxtx what must it be like to carry the gays on your shoulders like this #she ran so that the rest of us could walk oh my actual god #i just can't get over how much of the novels are sqq panicking because he needs to 'do right' by lbh #aka make lbh the absolute lunatic from the original #so its just this uproarious back and forth between a guy trying to make a bbg desperate for his love into a human weapon #AND make himself disappear before that weapon is turned on him (also probably the self-hatred talking) #amazing showstopping spectacular **slaps sqq's back** you can fit so many repressed internalizations of toxic masculinity in this mf #legit as i read these volumes i just kept thinking of that meme like 'congrats sqq buddy that's the worst anyone's ever done it' (joke) #not that lbh is any better but in fairness the lad is going through a lot too so i spare him too harsh a judgement #also sincerely i dont think i was prepared for just how stupid how crazy lbh goes for sqq. it was. MAGNIFICENT #I was like 'surely he isn't that dramatic' and then by god everyone. by god I started reading and went #'jesus christ that's a nuclear missile shaped little meow meow and that's HILARIOUS' #i also just can't get over sqq insisting 'IM NOT GAY. I DONT GAY. IM THE STRAIGHTEST STRAIGHT!!!!' #while. literally. saying full stop to lbh of like 'wym i smile more genuinely at everyone else they're just scarecrows around me' #sqq--the man who couldn't bear to see lbh suffering as a young boy. #who was so affected he was crying in his sleep and calling out lbh's name over and over #ON WHAT LEVEL IS THAT HETEROSEXUAL SQQ. THE JIG IS UP #literally EVERYONE around sqq being like 'congrats on being the last to know' about his love for lbh #and can we talk about sqq being like 'we used to communicate so seamlessly that we had no need for words. there was no greater joy for me.' #and highlighting that though gongyi xiao was a similar and talented young lad he fell decidedly short because he did not have above quality #and then sqq still being in denial; i swear i LOVE the little hints mxtx drops i feel like the happiest mouse scampering around for crumbs #additionally a question: how does anyone take liu qingge seriously #when he's displeased he just yells 'HEY' and does nothing about it (most times) #that is the most boomer dad energy i think i've ever seen #also :(((((((( all the jokes about tianlang-jun (though accurate) were so deceptive my heart was broken at the end of vol.3

[osaemu]

so uh funny story guys. i lost interest in anime men

#sabs posts! #took me a while to figure out why i stopped writing #turns out it's not writing i lost interest in #but the men i write about LMFAO #idk i've been growing out of it for a while #i guess it finally settled in #i don't really know what to do with this information now #a couple months back i couldn't imagine going w/o tumblr for a day lol #and now it's like whatever #i'll make an official post on what i decide to do in a bit #but for now here's an update on the guy i was talking to #i uhhh ghosted him #cuz he's hot but has no personality #and i don't wanna talk to someone who i'm not really into #oh well #anyways #see ya guys soon #edit: also what r these boop things

[forgetful-river]

Sometimes being in love is like getting your eye gored in a fit of purifying violence, sometimes it's not

#I keep talking about the romance of cannibalism so much my mother has gotten so so so tired of me (my friends are more mixed) #but also she got me to watch The Hunger (1983) which was very fun and very 80s #its about consuming and being consumed!!!!!!!!!!! Eating your loved one because you cannot stand them existing outside of yourself!!!!!!!!! #being eaten because you cannot stand existing outside of your lover!!! Becoming obsessed with literally merging together in the goriest way #basically I cannot stop thinking about Hannibal (2013) #I couldn't figure out how to get Tz's horn to fit with the way I placed their heads and then I realized wough........it would be going righ #in Vris's eye if I keep their heads where they were so I just leaned in bc themes......motifs..........symbolism................ #blinding and being blinded is so central to their narrative ya know #anyway. this is an unhinged amount of tags I hope you had fun reading all of them #vriska serket #terezi pyrope #vrisrezi #homestuck #hs #my art #fantasy blood #religious imagery

[utilitycaster]

I genuinely believe the fact that so many popular Imogen/Laudna fics are no-powers AU is, if not the main cause, at least a factor in why so many people resist or even are hostile towards any interpretation of Imogen that isn't largely sweet and harmless. Like, write the fic you want, but Imogen in particular is someone so fundamentally shaped by her powers that to write a no powers AU is to write what is essentially a completely original character who happens to share her name.

I think it's made even more obviously a factor because many of those fics try to reconstruct aspects of Imogen's personality by giving her anxiety or agoraphobia (or both) but the problem is that those are purely mental illnesses, rather than something that both gives her powers and penalties (again, the X-Men problem). Some real-world mental illnesses cover the symptoms of Imogen's abilities, but none cover the abilities themselves. It's quite literally a removal of agency: they take away what she can (and frequently does) do with her powers, leaving only the negative effects on her behind while eliminating the negative effects she can have on others. No wonder there's this overwhelming push to woobify her from that corner; they've utterly defanged her and are now crying that other people who can still see her fangs (and even like them) are talking about them.

And the thing is, for all I can be negative about fanon, it is, ultimately, fine - so long one can either keep it separate in one's mind from canon or else remain in a particular fanon sandbox. But unfortunately people leave the sandbox, and when other people respond to the canon Imogen, who as of episode 81 (RIP CRStats) has voluntarily used Detect Thoughts/Open Mind 60 times and has openly stated her intent to use it specifically to know what her party members are doing in advance and theoretically prevent it, the fanfic crowd is utterly unable to react to this intelligently. The idea of Imogen they have is sweet girl with severe anxiety and a goth girlfriend. The problem is this construct exists only in their favorite fanfic writers' domestic fluff modern AU no powers setting. And frankly, I'm not interested in talking about that warped mirror version of her when I could have all the fascination, complexity, glory, and agency of the real thing.

#i also think that turning imogen's issues into specifically mental health only is for lack of a better term Not Great. #i remember when she took off the circlet people on twitter compared it to her going off her meds as like. a sympathy thing. #and. while obviously the psychiatric field is not without many flaws and prejudices. generally going off meds is. not a good sign. #i will say i would love to see the no-circlet au in which imogen stops ashton. i don't think that goes well at ALL. #like i don't know if they stick around after that. #cr tag #anyway been thinking about the role of fanfic a lot lately in case you couldn't tell #we are finally admitting the importance of They Would Not Fucking Say That and should embrace it #and i'm obviously thinking quite a lot about the book i just posted about a lot too #it is depressing that people are more comfortable with Girlfailure than Selfish #that a woman is only allowed memeable and sanitized quirky faults. GOD FORBID she want actual power. #(were i to be called selfish by someone i respect i'd feel bad but talk through it. girlfailure though? i'm stabbing them.)

[beeduoo]

originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins

#origins smp #i heard theres been like three failed origins revivals WHAT EVEN HAPPENED i was only there for the first one😅 #beeduo #otubbo #oranboo #beeduo fanart #i rewatched some origins streams a little while ago oh my god theyre SO FUNNY #DUDE DOES ANUONE REMMEBER THAT ONE STREAM I COUDLNT FIND RHIS ONE STREAM #IR WAS LIKE THE ONE WHERE TUBBO WAS SINGING SUGAR BY MAROON FIVE and they were being really Funny thay shit h #ad me CRYING in 2021 Please i swear this happened imnot crazy but also they might have been separate streams actuallu i dont rememebr its #been wayyyyyyy too long #BUT IT HAPPENED I PROMISE Sorry i've been gone for a while ive been very busy lots of Things going on went to Six flags then jad a surprise #bday party then i had to buy shoes for prom then Go to prom and also i do figure skating and am out like every day idknt have Time im sorry☹ #had a crepe yesterday it was sooooo goood im like learning to drive too that shit is boring as hell my dad kept gettign 😑 bc i couldn't stop #yawning DRIVING IS SO BORING its not my fault😭😭😭😭 #ok what else ohhhh. y god i locked in SO HARD for this physics essay u guys dont even knowim getting ONE HUNDRED on that trust i just really #wanted to share ok i love you bge #WAIT ACTUALLT SORRU IM LIKE REMMEBERJNG THE ORIGINS STREAMS K WAYCHED #RANBOO WAS SO FUCKING FUNNT IN THOSE STREAMS TOO LIKE I REMEMBER NIKI WANTED TO SEE THEIR BASE and tubbo was like ooh maybe we can put like #water down here for you niki we need a water system and ranwas like Do we though?I WAD WAYCHING THAT .LIKE DAMMMNNNNNN OM LIKE GIGGLING WRIT #ING THIS RIGHT NOW I CAN HEARTHE CLIP HE DID NOTTT WANT HER IJNTHEIR BASE😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #I NEED TO FIDN THAT STREAM WHERE IRS LIKE TOMMY AND JACK A D FHEHRE LOKE TALKING ABOUT DUOS AND THEN JACK SAYS THE MOST OUT OF POCKET SHIT I #VE EVER HEARD LKKE I LITERALLU HAD TK PAUSE. H PHONE AND BURST OUR LAUHJIMG MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOORRRRR DO U GUYS R EME ER WTF IM TLAKING AB #OUT IDK HOW TO FIND THESE STREAMS Oh my god u really Had to be there early 2021 that was liye the funniest era of mt life i wlild be #Tearing up from lauhjimg every day I MISS WAYCHING STREAMS LIVE CHAT WAS SO FUNNY I wishe it was archivedI WISH MORE STREAMERS KEPT CHAT ON #SCREEN i defiently understand why most didn't like Wyd when chats annouing ad hell but also Me 3 years later is interested in what the pub #lic had to say.... ok Now bye

[lucienne-thee-librarian]

Just to minimize my chances of being genuinely misunderstood OR deliberately misinterpreted, and crucified for something I don't think, How Dare You Say We Piss on the Poor website etc...I'm gonna say this right up top. I absolutely understand why people don't like Thessaly as a character, if anyone does completely unironically stan her as some kind of feminist hero who Did Nothing Wrong uwu, I personally see it as a bit of a red flag. I don't like terfs real or fictional. In a vacuum, I could even completely sympathize and agree with the people who want her cut.

HOWEVER.

It's really something to me to see people clamoring for her to be cut, because she carries and expressed an ugly indefensible prejudice (transphobia) in words towards (1) person. Meanwhile Hob fucking Gadling enacted one of the most violent forms of antiblack racism I can even think of against thousands no, millions of people, the ripple effects of which still affect billions more today. Just a little light idk, profiting off the fucking slave trade and had to be told by someone else that it was bad...and he's a fan favorite.

People are saying Thessally being Dream's love interest reflects badly on him or is somehow endorsement by the narrative (?!?!?!?!?!? Didn't she (SPOILER ALERT AS IF IT MATTERS BY NOW) help participate in his extended assisted suicide? She's not painted as a great person to me just another character what are y'all SMOKING whatever fine. It's fine this is fine.) But shipping Dream with Mr. Former Slaver is not only not verboten or frowned on widely in the fandom but its THEE most popular pairing by far. So...why the difference?

Like where are the same fans who are saying Thessaly shouldn't just be more clearly shown to be wrong, she shouldn't even be in the show at all when it comes to Hobert's crimes??? Yes, transphobia is indefensible. Isn't racism?

And I hear the cries of "it's fiction!!!" Already rallying (if anyone who needs to hear this even sees it lol) to which I say:

HORSESHIT. I KNOW you don't, deep down, really agree because if you did, why get upset about Thessaly being included??? Why does what she said to one person matter if it's Just Fiction You Guyze. Fictional characters are allowed to do bad things and fiction isn't reality sweaty....except when you only apply that standard to fictional racists you like and simp for, but fictional transphobes you don't are SO HARMFUL they shouldn't even be portrayed in fiction.

Like. Give me a big fat BREAK. This looks like bullshit, no? I'm sorry, but I'd love for someone to try and give any other explanation besides one personally offended you or hit home for you, and the other doesn't.

And if that bothers you or you feel like it says something negative about you...idk what you want me to say??? You can't control how other people perceive you and that's how people outside this majority-of-the-fandom bubble see it. You don't need to respond, I just wish and genuinely hope this gives you a moment to think about why fans who ARE bothered by both (and not just paying lip service to being bothered by the one but railing against the other) are so frustrated with people saying everyone is welcome but in practice only bending over backwards for the comfort and emotions of themselves, and people they can easily relate to.

You don't have to like Thessaly (I don't. I find her an interesting antagonist, I don't stan her. And frankly that's not the point of her character) but you'll pardon me for feeling more than a bit cynical and side eying people's motivations for what seems a...pretty obvious double standard, on what fictional crimes related to real world issues matter to y'all, and which clearly don't. Either actually bring the same energy to the table for fictional people who committed atrocities, even if against a group you're not part of and thus don't feel the need to empathize with, or just carry on, but accept that you don't have the SLIGHTEST room to talk about cutting characters who do immoral things. And you also need to accept that you look like a hypocrite when you do.

#thessaly #wanda the sandman #hob gadling #I could've cried sexism!!! Problematic Male vs Female Characters except 1) I don't actually think that's the main reason *here* #2) there are WAY better examples of that particular double standard in this fandom #also i can admit when I'm a bit of a hypocrite or was. #i used to dip my toes into the dreamling stuff too early on #but idk. It just got too sour seeing ppl whitewash (lol I know I'm a comedian) #what he did over and over. And I genuinely had started to wonder #if the show hadn't included that particular crime and I'd just imagined it from the comics because #my memory is shit sometimes and I guess I was naive. I *wanted* to believe someone would talk aboutit #if it had made it in. but ultimately i went back and checked and no #and seeing how the whole fandom behaving affected my non-white mutuals some of whom... #like these are my friends man or ppl I just respect and I can't just. Ignore their feelings and their pov #and act like they werent making points or it doesn't matter #like it's all just fun and games for everyone on the same terms. And seeing how easy it was #for everyone to ignore was so unsettling. I couldn't keep pretending it was just fiction and didn't affect anyone real #Call me a bully a t3rf apologist (fuck you and for the record. no) #a puritan or a Fancop (actually stop comparing #people disagreeing with you online to what cops do. For fucks sake you just make it look like nothing is really real to you outside fandom) #whatever man. Whatever helps you sleep. I'm just gonna block you #if you're clearly sticking your fingers in your ears. engaging with you is a waste of time and energy then #Hell I have sympathy for anyone who doesn't like thessaly #especially trans fans. Especially rn. But lbr that sympathy for a lot of the white trans/queer fans only goes one way!!! #never gets extended to anyone else's issues. Like THATSthe issue. And it's shitty! #(sorry this post is not about me in the confessional lol that's why I put this at the bottom #I just had feelings to get out and yes its my blog but i didn't want to clog the airways)

[suddenly-stickmin]

RHM what's with that look.....................

#thsc #thsc henry stickmin #thsc charles calvin #thsc right hand man #thsc rhm #art #couldn't stop thinkin bout this spongebob scene LOL #also i like the idea of a narrator just. implying that henry talks #since in the games he's got so few little lines...

[bitchfitch]

MOTHER FUCKER SPOTTED T POSING. GAY SHIT IM GOING TO HAVE TO BANISH THE CHILD FOR TO ENSUE.

#totk spoilers #also can i just say how Fucking Scared i was that they were just retconning the champions out of existence?? #the divine beasts are gone and the story is going out of its way to avoid mentioning them or their pilots. #Miphas spring was the first time i found Any direct mention of them. #its an Area name. #Daruk and Revali may as well not have existed. #like. I didn't stop to talk to a lot of npcs bx i couldn't be fucked to do so #but Man. #It feels like they should have been mentioned in the main story at Some point #I straight up couldn't sleeo last night bc i was so worried theyd just fucking #Unexisted my second favorite character in this entire franchise. #Like i know Mipha isnt anything special by loz princess standards but i just love her ok. #i love her aesthetic #and seeing her statue was replaced in the domain was a bad feeling because like. that basically confirmed it for me that the game #was just going to pretend she never existed #which it still is but the spring having this name Helps. its a bandaid on a gunshot wound

[lemonisntreal]

Some Yak: The Giant King Sketches 🥰🥰

Debated posting this, but I need to upload more, so whatever.

I think I'm like the only person who will ever know who these guys are/will appreciate this, but these guys have been living rent-fucking-free in my brain since 2021 let me be free

This is the last thing I posted for this fandom btw <<< for all the girls and not-girls who didn't see that I guess. That's the same dude

FANDOM?? WHAT FANDOM ?? I'M THE ONE GUY HERE . I'M GONNA GO INSANE PLEAS E I BEG SOMEBODY ANYBODY PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S ONE PERSON IN THE VOID I CALL SO DESPERATELY TO PLEASE TELL ME IT WON'T JUST BE AN ECHO WHO ANSWERS BACK

#Yak: The Giant King #to think I was sane once #PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S AT LEAST ONE GUY OUT THERE WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS #WHO KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE PLEASE #SHAKING THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE COME CLOSER IT'S SAFE #if it even looks SLIGHTLY familiar to you idc I wanna know #GAY ROBOTS #Phuak #Na Khiaw #Whitey? #Big Green? #[names they were given in the european dub- #it's such a long story- LATER] #Hanuman Yak #Tosakan Yak #THEY HAVE LIKE 4 DIFFERENT NAMES EACH BECAUSE OF THE DUBS HELP ME #Phuak also doesn't actually have legs in the film I just gave them to him because #because I said so #and because I drew him with legs once and couldn't stop afterwards #he has rollerskates I'm gonna cryyy #Na is so fucking hard to draw meanwhile #so there's less of the big buff man unfortunately #sketches #digital art #fanart #robots #the homosexuals #they're so enemies to strangers to friends to lovers to enemies to friends to lovers 🥰🥰 #if that didn't get you hooked on this movie idk what will 😭 #also it's very loosely based on the Ramakien which I think is very cool

[front-facing-pokemon]

#combusken #ough they're angry! they're angry that they stopped being cute and someone out there just put them in the box bc they're not cute anymore #reference to the tags of the previous post. I STILL DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE and i'm not gonna google it tbqh #lots of folks talked at me in the comments of the kingdra post telling me abt its competitive stats and it was interesting i guess #although i couldn't talk back and start a conversation bc tumblr won't let me write comments from sideblogs and i refuse to #y'know. break the mystery. if you want to find my main blog you gotta do it authentically. folks also thought that i was the one who blazed #the dunsparce post but i did not. that was a random follower of the blog who blazed that post. and like shoutouts i guess but damn #if y'all wanna put *money* into this blog… then y'know… there's a whole pokémon behind this blog… maybe you could… put money into her #I'M KIDDING i'm kidding #unless..? either way none of this is about fucking combusken so HERE'S COMBUSKEN LOOK AT THEM

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

so remember how i said i was insane

#age ordered for the funsies and also I couldn't format it any better #i am a dazai was crying truther forever and ever and ever #you could show me full proof he wasnt and id still be on my bullshit #15 dazais widdle babyface.... #anyway i know im always talking abt that one dazai kunikida art. well. not actually but im always thinking abt it #but like i can't stop #hes so gorgeous #ALSO THERES A FULL STANDEE OUT THERE I WILL FIND A GOOD PICTURE OF HIM EVENTUALLY.... PLEASE #longer post #my art :d

[da-proti-toku-grem]

how do you know the difference between a huge anxiety attack and a panic attack?

#i think i had a panic attack yesterday but idk...... #god it felt so awful and it went on for like 3 hours #but i also had like a hundred things going on so idk if it was like the accumulation of everything or if it was really a panic attack yk #i was at the fair with my family waiting for my best friend to arrive bc i was going to hang out with her #and yk it's a place full of people and we were standing right next to a huge speaker hearing a man talk #and also each place in the fair has different music playing super loud and you can hear all of them at the same time (+ the flashing lights #all that causes me anxiety every since i was little (even if i didn't know it was anxiety back then) #so i *knew* i was going to have the greatest time and i didn't really want to go there in the first place #but even with that i wasn't really haven't a bad time (yet) #we were just stading there and i was waiting for my friend to call me so we could go somewhere else #she called me to tell me she was coming and right when i hung up the phone i felt a really strong pang on my belly #and idk at first i thought it was period cramps but it was weird bc my period had actually stopped that same morning #also i had taken a painkiller right before going there bc all that i mentioned earlier also gives me migraines so there's that too #so yeah the pangs kept getting stronger and it hurt so fucking bad to the point my legs started trembeling #my vision blured and every sound around me seemed to almost fade away #there wasn't any place i could sit down so i gad to cling to my dad and he had to hold me so i didn't fall to the ground #i think i almost (?) fainted in his arms too #after a while the dizzines went away and my dad went to get me smth to drink and i mostly got my hearing and vision back to normal #all that was like 10 minutes max but then the pangs kept hitting every minute or so for the next 3 hours #we found a place to sit and find smth to eat but i couldn't eat anything without wanting to throw up #my legs wouldn't stop shaking like fucking crazy and i kept going from feeling like i was freezing to sweating from how hot i felt #idk i've had smth like this (w/o the pangs) happen to me before a bunch of times but never That strong and it usually lasted 5-10min max #we ended up having to go home and i had to take some more painkillers and my sleeping pills to be able to calm down a little #i'm pretty sure i fell asleep from exhaustion after everything and i'm still feeling a bit weird after almost 24 hours since it happened #anyways. the thing is idk if all that was caused bc of my anxiety #or if it was smth completely unrelated and i just had such a bad tummy ache that it made me feel bad enough to cause All That yknow #i think it felt pretty much like how i've heard people describe a panic attack but again i'm not sure #yeah......... #maca speaks

[scholarofgolb]

one thing low self esteem will do to you is that it will convince you that no one could possibly value their relationship with you or even on a lighter level like. thinking people don't care about anything you say and that your words don't have impact on people. and what that leads to is you being completely unaware when you hurt other peoples feelings and being unable to consider how something you view as innocuous or funny could be hurtful and mean to someone else. like even if you have a hard time understanding that you have value as a person you have to understand that you have a lot of control of the way you effect other people and no one is intrinsically aware of what is going on in your head. you've got to care about other people and think about what's going on for them and yes empathy is hard but empathy can be learned. and sometimes u gotta figure it out and teach it to yourself.

#big thing for me in my late teens was realizing all of this #it was like probably the most valuable thing i took out of adolescence #which i thought because i had social anxiety and was so concerned about other people hating me that i couldn't possibly be low empathy #but i was! and i had to deal with it! #stop asking other people 'are you mad at me' and start asking yourself 'how might they have interpreted that? could that have been hurtful? #and youll realize that it might have been! and thats the most horrible gut wrenching feeling ever #but there's this wonderful thing called apologizing and explaining yourself and reminding people that you love + value them #and if ur me that means sometimes youll apologize for something and ur friend will be like 'i dont even know what ur talking about LOL' #but it also means sometimes your friend will feel welcome to have productive conversations about how you make eachother feel #and thats really what helps form lasting relationships tbh