#but also he a true G for dealing with this bs

[cartoonartistpng]

(Old post)

If Sonic and co. are aged down in the Classic games then…

#bro poor Vector #but also he a true G for dealing with this bs #also am I the only one who thought Vector was Vanilla’s age-ish? #I mean no one has canon ages anymore but I legit thought he was 25 for so many years #also technically Charmy just never aged up from his first game unlike everyone else #or I guess since he was actually the same age as the others Charmy aged down #knuckles chaotix #knuckles the echidna #Classic knuckles #vector the crocodile #Classic vector #charmy bee #charmy the bee #Classic charmy #espio the chameleon #Classic Espio #sonic the hedgehog #sth #sth fanart #sth art #sonic fanart #sonic art #fanart #baguette art

[chanelfunnell]

Q@A

a) anon, shame Trevor Zegras is injured. I like his technical style of the game when he's serious about hockey and frankly, he's a little bit crazy off ice but adorable. We all need to laugh so to his horrible footwear. He is on the left..I know he is dorky as well and the shoes are super trendy.

B) anon, I am glad to see Tazer but I am not glad to see him in this puffy face state it is puffier than before and definitely he has not bloated face during his struggles in 2020, 2021. I'd point a finger on Meghan Butler in his life as all Marcus Aubrey's crap quasi medicine is up to Tazer's throat. He also clinges to old memories, having his old buddies over. What a coach said about his moods is quite scary. Maybe also booster by the intake of Aubrey's bs.

He's still handsome and adorable when he's serious, not furious but you see he is not all right and so his look aka so bloated face. Either health problems with kidneys that he does not admit etc or some substance by M Aubrey's use. Obviously it's a circle because he struggles withbkack of his routine and old team mates, changes, Lindsey pregnant again, Kaner is gone, his Blackhawks career ends soon so he clinges more and more to that bad support...tjan breaking the circle and facing the music...and these people are more fragile and getting more and more addicted to certain sect or drugs, pills etc..

C) anon, the Blackhawks injury list is vast, I am sorry for Tomorrow, Reese Johnson, good Tyler Johnson is back but they did not play so bad in last couple of games based on the injuries and newbies. I guess Seth Jones is calmer captain than nervous Tazer who was amazing when he did well off and on ice because he can't deal with losses.

D) anon, Crosby's long term crazy fan Ashley who is followed by Tazer is off the railing and on memory lane to Vancouver which was 13 years ago. Please...with all of that

You need to ask her or betteer, try to ask Sidney Crosby and Marketa whether they have dated, slept together, kissed or had a fling...i do not bother and no way after 10 years like Ashley. Obviously Kathy is in his life despite her denials and calling her a generic bland blonde. I am not a big fan of Kathy as I think she's bland lazy Step ford Wife but she is pretty and a serious partner of Sidney Crosby. Marketa and Kathy are the similar type at least in face department and Crosby has reacted to the Blackhawks and Hossa's photoshoot of 12 apostles of Last Supper as a copycat of flat caps so .....speculate...Ashley has been obsessed with her beside Kathy Leather for ages. We do not know how many children Marketa has and so about her partner's. We know 2, one of 8 years and one soccer player. Se has a baby boy apparently but no one knows. Whether true or not I guess when she will crawl out with any kid on the skates it will be definitely a champion with a huge game IQ and these two Vancouver goal champions once young bucks Crosby and Toews will start their own families. They are 36 and 35 years old this year for the sake of good hockey DNA and dynasties!!!!!

E) it is Nico Hirshier's sister, calm down, anon also a sister of Nurse etc is very good looking. At least NJ Devils are devils on the ice once again after years of tanking.

f) did you see Lafranieree and his cheeky sneaky puck between legs manoeuvre? He is brilliant if he wants to be as he is older now. It is stupid to put just 18 years old kid into NHL season to play permanently but he plays better with Kakko and he's too much sensitive or angry. When he gets his crap out of his head it's an amazing smart game and footwork to watch. Then Russian players and I don't mean Ovechkin empty entree but Kaprizov and his magic. I can't find on my stupid cell phone a video of certain game but I am not able to upload photos from that phone to Tumblr as well...

g)anon, I guess Dallas and San Jose players have huge competition in Skinner and new Swedish defenseman of the Oilers regarding moustache and a stubble, well, a beard department so Hannah Montana's dad with his doppelganger with a mullet in Mullet Arena. What a place to celebrate.

#Jack Hughes #Kappo Kakko #Nhl #Ice hockey #Nick Hirshier's #New Jersey Devils #Jonathan Toews #Captain #chicago blackhawks #Seth Jones #Reese Johnson #patrick kane #Sidney Crosby #kathy leutner #Pittsburgh Penguins #Trevor Zegras #anaheim ducks #San Jose Sharks

[lexstellaris]

Daily Draw - 10/5/23 - Sacred Rebels Oracle (Alana Fairchild)

20 - Softly, Softly, The Tender Touch

I've drawn this card a few times tbh. It's about embracing gentleness and radiating the energy of what you want to manifest or draw to you, which in some ways, yeah, I get. But in other ways, bc I don't really feel energy in any kind of tangible way, I really don't get. And the idea of like, it's not quite that 'law of attraction' bs, but it's certainly in the ballpark. I'm never entirely sure how to feel about that, bc it's not really how I've grown to understand magic.

For me, magic is mundane, mundane is magic. The two work together. I can't just think of a bike and how much I want one, and miraculously, the universe gives me a bike without me having to do anything more than that. If I want a bike, sure, sending that energy out can help, but if I don't then look at my savings, and finding the right bike for me, and follow that up with testing them out and seeing what one works best for me, it's not going to be effective. I could wish for a bike, and end up with something totally inappropriate for me.

It's like. It's like the specificity you need when doing spellwork. I could do some spellwork for a new job. But if I don't specify anything more than a new job, it's likely I'll end up with something I don't want, or wouldn't have wished for. But if I specify qualities of the job I want, as well as the hours and pay I would be looking for, the location, the kind of colleagues I would want to work with, my spell will be much more likely to give me what I want. Otherwise, if I cast a spell for a cat, I may just end up with someone giving me a toy cat, bc I wasn't clear enough.

But I also think this card is highlighting something else for me as well. I'm... not good at resting and being gentle with myself. As I'm dealing with some health issues rn, being reminded to be kind and gentle to myself is a good message to get. Be gentle as I make adjustments to my life and my routines to support better health outcomes. Be gentle as I have more tests and treatments. Let myself heal and recover and get back to better health.

I also had Djehuty chatting to me during meditation. He reminded me of a lot of things I'd been struggling with. Giving me words I do need to internalise. I struggle a lot with feeling like I know shit. Like I'm actually smart and know stuff I can share with others. I know it's mostly from just getting shit grades most of my life, but it sticks after a while. I never learned to strive for anything better because no one ever believed in my academic potential. I was just the quiet, well-behaved kid at the back of the class no one really paid any attention to. Looking back, I can see so many ways in which I was unsupported in ways I probably needed to be supported. And it stings. I hate it. bc I can't change any of that shit. But moving on from that, getting to the point where I can feel confident in myself and what I know, that's the hard part.

As a Kemetic pagan especially, I feel that. I'm not always good at doing academic writing and research. I don't know French or German. I can't easily read texts others are able to because they know those languages. I haven't always had the energy to write up things, let alone research them. I know it's not required for every Kemetic pagan to be academic like that. I don't need to do that stuff. But so much of my path would not have turned out like this if I hadn't done any research into Sobek at all. It's necessary. It's just hard. And seeing others, for whom this stuff is much easier to do, write essays and books and have sources ready to reference, makes me feel like I'm just not good enough. I know that's not true. I really do. My brain is just dumb about this stuff. Plus, I have a not great memory for remembering stuff I've learned, not just for Kemetic stuff, but academic stuff in general.

idk. idk where this is going. I think I will leave this here now, though, and be gentle with myself. Djehuty wants me to read, and so I will go and read for a while. Maybe I will have more thoughts on this later.

#daily draws #sacred rebels oracle #reflective writing #sobek #research #idk a whole bunch of personal shit #health stuff #self-care #self-love #self-confidnce

[demon-blood-youths]

Van Ink Za Tatsu No Harem pt. 6 || How To Settle This!

This is part 6 of the drabble series Van Ink Za Tatsu No Harem. My lovely rper partner @the-silver-peahen-residence wrote 5 part so please check a look. So far this is part 6. 

----- Parts ----

Part 1

Part 2 - New Challenger

Part 3 - Planning Operation Party B̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶o̶r̶e̶t̶t̶e̶

Part 4-   Party Time Descending Into Chaos

Part 5 - Party Rumble

---Actors for this drabble-----

Demon mun’s guests

(The DBT)

(The fractions :   Elite Demon Anthem,  Upstander Campaign, The Lupins, Knights of darkness)

Peahen-mun: guests.

( The main character Yuuka and her fraction, Dark Eclipse Nightshades. Her OC fractions: The Shallow Butterflies, The Season demon warriors, Cursed Vixens )

((Canon OG guests:  Deku and Bakugo from BHA with some of the A-1 class, Rin Okumura from Ao No Exorcist, Atsushi  from BSD, Ren aka Joker from Persona 5 and Denji from Chainsaw man.  

(( Note: I also struggle with grammar but the biggest part, is the fun of this drabble.

------------ Brief Summary ----------

The tension has now broken in the part with Denji’s proclamation and Bakugo’s outburst which makes everything heated. A lot of fighting is heard and the one who stop it is Ink. Ink has a few words to say and how would the DBT deal with this mess??! 

----------

At first, Ink didn’t know what to say when she heard Denji’s response. 

If I marry Ink, then I can kiss her all I want if you’re married right?”‘

Ink blinked. Eh? There is silence in the room. Isn’t that the right?  Was there something wrong with that? Ink had a somewhat grasp of marriage where people who fell in love get married after knowing each other. If people get married, they kiss all the time? 

Of course, Ink had no idea how Bakugo responded. 

“THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY!?”

Ink is startled by Bakugo’s outburst. She didn’t see him get that angry. Although...Bakugo is angry all the time, he just means business or doesn’t bs about things. But he looks pissed off at what Denji. 

“Look Extra, their is no way that you would get that chance. You don’t even look like her type!”

My type? Ink blinked. Uhhh...but she listened to what Denji said. 

“And you think your her type? Last time I recall, you don’t seem like proper dating material since you tend to be violent, you insult everyone that you see as ‘extras’ you always seem to love insulting Yuuka for being one, and if I heard this right, you scared the living shit out of that girl over there. Uhh Ashley right?”

Wait....dating material???! Ink blinked dumbfounded. What is Denji talking about?! 

“Hold on, you two shouldn’t fight. Besides, Ink might not want things to get out of hand.” 

Rin is right. They shouldn’t fight. Besides...isn’t this a game?! It’s not that serious! But Bakugo said something weird along the lines.

“And don’t give me that shit! I bet you were lying when playing the game! If you were honest, I bet you would have tried to at least get a chance to marry Ink or date her!” 

Huh?! Wait....what is Rin and Ren lying about?! 

“G..guys guys please! Were at a party to have fun. Please lets not make this some battle arena! Please!” 

Atusshi is right. This is party, not a battle arena! Although....it would be good idea but that isn’t the point! Ink shakes her head but before she says anything. Bakugo said something weird again. 

“Fuck off! I bet you were thinking the same with Ink too, and you too Midoriya!”

“That’s not true!!!”

“I bet it is!”

Wait? What are they thinking about me?! 

“I know you since your always nervous around her but your just trying to hide it!” 

Eh?! Wait...is Midoriya nervous around me?! And he’s trying to hide it? But why? Did I do something wrong? Ink thought as she looks seriously confused. The fighting got even worse making Ink upset. And then Ashely raised her voice. 

“WILL YOU GUYS JUST STOP PLEASE!!!!” 

Ink became startled, looking at Ashely who looks seriously upset. And last thing that anyone wants is Ashely being upset. Ink doesn’t want her friends to be upset. 

“Look, no one asked for your opinion! This is between me and these idiots who things they know what’s best for Ink! We all are friends right!? Why that would be fine, if this idiot didn’t say anything!”

What’s best for me? Ink thought. But everything became a mess. Bakugo saying hurtful things and what’s worse, he exploded cake which the icing and cream is ,Ashley, Melinda, some of the boys even on the floor.  Ink is in shock. “B-bakugo?” But before she says anything. Denji was tackled by Bakugo for saying something. The boys were fighting and Ashely left for the bathroom crying. This isn’t what Ink wanted. 

“I think Ink will be happy with me! Your not dating material!” Denji said holding Bakugo down.

“SHE DON’T EVEN SEE YOU AS THAT! SHE WOULD BE MISERABLE!” Bakguo shouted.

“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!!! SO FUCK YOU!!” Denji yelled.

“NO FUCK YOU!!”

“FUCK YOU!!”

“Guys please, your not making this better and Ink wouldn’t be happy seeing this so stop please!” Midoriya yelled.

“SHUT UP DEKU!!”

“Guys stop!!”

Ink wonders. Is this because of me? I-I don’t want this. I want everyone to be happy. Ink trembles before she growls. Navarro widen his eyes at this.

“ENOUGH!!” Ink roared demonically. She brought out her demonic visage making everyone stopped in their tracks. She growls breathing smoke. Navarro and Shdwkyz takes a step back. Not good. 

“You guys....Denji and Bakugo. You....guys are fighting over a game. A game! I thought you two are better than this! This isn’t fun! Ashely...is in the bathroom. Bakugo....you... You can’t say hurtful things to each other. This...I.....I can’t be worth fighting for here! I shouldn’t be the reason for you guys be fighting like this!” Ink yelled. 

“Well Ink.....you heard what these two think about you. If you have to marry one of them?” Kali said. 

------ Navarro --------

He didn’t expect this. He thought it would be funny and stupid....but of course, he didn’t take in account for Kali’s rule added to the damn stupid game, Denji’s answer over the game and Bakugo’s outburst. Well...of course, he can expect that but he didn’t had to say that kind of shit to Ashely like jesus, he took Denji’s answer too personal. Of course, Navarro would too but- then the short teen looks over to Ink who looks horrified. But when she shouted to get everyone back to their senses as she speaks. 

This...I.....I can’t be worth fighting here for! I shouldn’t be the reason for you guys be fighting like this!”

She’s right. Navarro thought. 

It now dawns on him, Navarro has finally realized that this is bad idea to begin with. This is way worse than the Bronx Zoo idea. Oh my fucking god...what have I done? Navarro covers his mouth. Deep down, Navarro has no one to blame but himself.  He had to look over Kali whose freaking eating popcorn like it’s damn TV show! Ugh! I shouldn’t let her be charge of the games!!! 

However...Kali wasn’t done. She had to ask a dumbass question. “Wait...what?” Ink said. 

“I mean Ink.....you heard what these two think. Who do you want to pick after seeing this?” Kali said. Ink looks to be dumbfounded as she now looks conflicted. 

What the actual fuck-that’s not something Ink needs to hear right now, Kali! Navarro thought as he grits his teeth. 

Rin grits his teeth hearing this and says, “Ink....you don’t have to answer that...” Rin said. Atsushi nods, “Yeah...you don’t have to answer, Ink.”

“Ink...” Ren sees her expression changed. 

Ink looks seriously conflicted as Denji and Bakugo were looking at Ink as they waited for her answer. Ink’s eyes widen as she begins to shift her eyes between Bakugo and Denji, back and forth.

“Like uh...I can’t....uh..I’m sorry....um...gotta use the restroom!” Ink said before she leaves for the balocny whereas the restroom is the other direction. “I’ll be right back!” Ink then flies using her wings. 

“INK!” Midoriya said as he runs after her.

“Midoriya! I will go get her! Stay in the party and calm Bakugo down, okay?” Shdwkyz told the pro-hero. Deku nods as he stays as he and Navarro were at balcony watching Ink flying away from here. 

-------- Balcony --------

“INK!” Navarro calls out for her. “Shdwkyz...we need to.” But Shdwkyz grabs his arm and drags him out away from ears, making him face forward at him. 

“I will go find her.” Shdwkyz said firmly then jabs his finger at his chest, “You. Need to fix this. Now.” He said as his yellow eyes are glowing. “The last thing Ink needs is listening to you! Now I’m going to go find her and you need to convince Kali to stop this nonsense. Understand?”

Navarro winces a little but nods. “Right. I will do that.” 

“Good. Just...ugh....make sure this whole thing does n’t get any worse. Although it did.” Shdwkyz sighs before phases as a shadow and goes after Ink leaving Navarro behind. Navarro cursed as he grips on the railing. “Shit....I need to fix this.” 

------- First floor - Party Game room --------

Everyone is quiet after hearing Ink’s outburst and well...Kali’s dumb question. Ink runs off not answering that. 

“Kali...what the heck was that for?!” Maggie yelled while Oblivion didn’t say anything. 

“if I know anything about Ink, I highly doubt she would love those two idiots after what was being said!” Kali said, stopping eating her popcorn. Denji and Bakugo looks upset but didn’t say anything. They felt angry and also ashamed of their actions. “But I also know that Ink won’t go for anyone who won’t be honest or be too coward about their feelings!” Kali looks over to Ren, Rin, Atsushi and Midoriya.

“What is that supposed to mean?”” Atsushi yelled. 

“But that’s okay!” Kali said, waving Atsushi off as she has an idea on how to solve this “We can resolve this in a fight.”

“A fight?! A fight just happened now, Kali!” Guam yelled.

“You can’t be serious....” Rex said as he looks ready to pummel Bakugo for saying hurtful things to his sister.

“I am. I highly doubt the party will go on with people getting angry and mop around. So if you two want to duke it out before you apologize to Ink, Ashely and everyone here, this is the best time to do it and let your feelings out.” Kali said. “So Denji and Bakugo, you are two going to use yours fists and fight.”

Rin scoffs as he is crossing his arms, “Yeah right! As if that’s going to work, they will knock each other out!” 

Denji got ticked off hearing that, “Ha?! You think you can beat me? Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Yeah! What the hell, ya damn rat! No yeah you and your rat tail ass will beat me.” Bakugo growled as both blond glared at Rin. 

“Who the hell are you calling a rat! You the two idiots talking about dating material and don’t consider Ink’s feelings.” Rin retorts. 

“And you are?” Denji asked. 

Rin growls, “I’m way better than both of you two! You!” He glares at Bakugo as he points at him, “Who cares about being number 1 hero but you’re a compete freaking jackass and you’re the one who doesn’t know what’s best for Ink! You hurt everyone around you just like you did to Ashely! You don’t know what a friend means to you!!!” Rin points at Bakugo angrily. “And you! I don’t know who the hell you are, Denji! But you’re way far off from being dating material! How long have you know Ink?! Who the hell says that in a dumbass game?! If we’re talking about type, Ink would want someone to care about her and don’t do this kind of shit!!”

“Rin!” Yukio said in shock, wondering where this is coming from! Don’t tell me- Yukio thought. Oblivion drinks her soda, knowing Rin is right.

“Tch....says the guy who answers the same thing as everyone else.” Denji clicked his tongue. “You’re not much better than anyone here. You were lying like he said!” He points at Bakugo.  “Watch when you pointing damnit!” Bakugo yelled at Denji.

“The hell do you say?” Rin glowered.

“Ya heard me!” Denji growled. 

“Hmph....” The three looks over to Ren who pushes his glasses up shaking his head. Atsushi and Midoriya were worried now and looking at each other.  Rin narrows his eyes at Ren, “Got something to say?” 

Maggie wonders....how the hell did this situation got to here.  Yuuka came back with a sigh. Oblivion looks over to Yuuka, “How is she?”

“Melinda is comforting her and Ashely is still crying...” Yuuka sighed and hears the conversation. “Wait...they’re still fighting?” She asked.

“Well...more like Rin and Ren are now joining the fight now.” Oblivion said making Yuuka groan as she listens. 

-----

“I disagree.” Ren said. 

“On what?!” Bakugo demanded. 

“Well for one if I recall. You didn’t raise your hand up when Kali says if anyone has a crush in ‘Would you rather?. So you don’t have a crush on Ink, do you?” Ren points out making Bakugo froze making Denji snicker and Rin crosses his arms smugly. “THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING!” Bakugo yelled. 

“It sure does...” Rin responded. 

“Also....I don’t think you’re better than these two, Rin.” Ren added. 

“Hah?!” Rin blinked. Denji laughs.

“And Denji, you’re not dating material. How long have you known Ink? This is your first party." Ren asked. Denji grits his teeth.

“Ink won't date any of you for acting like this." Ren said firmly.

Rin growls. “You-!” 

“Now guys! Let’s not start another fight or-” Atsushi begins. 

“Or what?! You going to do something too?” Denji asked. “You don’t even like Ink! What is it to you?!” 

But the one of the Lupins, Pierce blinked at this. “What the hell are you talking? Atsushi brought Ink cupcakes, of course he likes her!” Amhed had to whack Pierce upside the head comedically.

“I-uh....” Atsushi looks around as Midoriya looks at him. “I was paying her back for helping me back, okay?!” 

“I heard that from someone that the sprinkles on top were heart-shaped.” Kali said, drinking a soda. 

“Oh yeah, that too.” Pierce said making Fin sighed. Yuuka wished she hadn’t told Kali about the cupcakes. Because all eyes are on Atsushi making her feel guilty when Atsushi's cheeks became pink. “I-I uh.....” Atsushi said. “I can explain!”

“What the fuck?! You sneaky bastard!” Bakugo said. “You opt out of the game because you don’t want to say it but you have the balls to give Ink cupcakes?! WITH HEART-SHAPED SPRINKLES?! The hell ya trying to pull, ya damn cat?!” 

“Ink likes them, she likes chocolate!” Atsushi argued. “I mean they look good, okay?! " Atsushi sighed.

"You're obviously lying..." Ren sighed.

“Don’t use Ink as an excuse!” Rin pointed with a scowl.

“For someone who can transforms into a tiger, you’re being a pussycat for backing out and doing that kind of shit!’ Denji said as Ren shakes his head. Atsushi flushed red as he hates being called that. 

“Now you’re all being ridiculous!” Atsushi yelled, having enough of this, “What did you guys got her, huh? All you talked about is her type, this and that! This is why I opt out of the game! You're taking this game too seriously.”

Atsushi's reply is sound and valid but of course, the boys didn't take his question well.

“You didn’t have any problems saying who you marry, kill and kiss in the other rounds.” Bakugo said. 

“BECAUSE IT’S JUST A GAME!” Atsushi cried. “Kali added the F-word into the last one so that's why I opt out. I can't say things like that...”

Atsushi wasn’t wrong about that. But it does sound suspicious.

Rin shrugs, "Why not? It's just a game and besides....you should be upfront about it, Atsushi. No offense." Rin said. "Also I got her plushie." Rin coughed.

"A plushie?!" Bakugo said. "The fuck does Ink need one?! She ain't a damn kid!"

"And what did you got her?!" Rin yelled where his brother Yukio tries to calm him down.

"And a new freaking jacket and she js wearing it!" Bakugo said proudly. Rin and Denji glares.

Ryuji huff, "Are you kidding?? Ren got Ink flowers! Those are way better what you got her!"

Fuutba nods, "Yeah, I think it's a classic. These flowers were red and blue!"

Oh great. Now the peanut gallery is getting into this, riling this up. Yuuka stared in disbelief while everyone wat h this spectable. A handful wants to stop this from progress but most are amused by this. Navarro arrived, "What did I miss? Wait...are all of them fighting?!"Navarro sounded shocked to which Yuuka rolls her eyes, "What did you think?"

"We need to stop this..." Navarro said. "And I don't know how..."

Denji snorts, "Flowers are lame."

Fuutba yells, "Who says!!"

Ann sighs, "You two...don't add fuel into the fire." Bonking them on the heads.

"I know I didn't get her a gift!" Denji admitted, "Because I'm trying to know her but she did help me out so I'm going to get the best gift. Way better than you guys gave her beacuse..."

Navarro stares. The boys narrow his eyes at him except Midoriya

"If it weren't for her blood, I would be a goner."

"Wait...her blood? What do you mean?" Navarro repeated.

Yuuka blinked stupidly. Wait what?!

Of course, the boys especially Atsushi, Baukgo, and Rin didn't take that very well. Yuuka wonders why Denji is saying the darnest things. Denji doesn't look he's lying about it either. Navarro is godsmacked. Does he want to rile them up and get beat up. It's like Denji is against everyone.

"I drank her blood when I was hurt very bad and it heal me a lot." Denji explained as it it's normal.

Fosh spits out soda again and is choking on it again making Mouse slaps his back hard. Someone get this poor boy some water. Everyone is in shock as almost everyone trip themselves hearing that. Denji did what now?!

"Her blood?!" Atsushi said in shock. Rin stares wide-eyed as her fellow thieves, Ryuji and Fuutba were in shock.

"Damn dude....and I thought I was crazy." Rust said to which Jaron nods.

"Well...goddamnit...I need a drink." Guam said to which Lela gave him one.

"What the hell are you, a damn vampire?!" Rin looks ready to unsheathe his sword at this point. Yukio had to pull him back. "Brother, don't!" Yukio yelled.

"Besides...that doesn't mean shit!!" Rin said.

"QUIET!" Kali silencing the crowd. "Now it looks like all of you care about Ink like a lot! So to settle this. How about we do a love jeopardy??"

"You wanna die?!" Bakugo growled at Denji while Midoriya is holding him back. "Kacchan, don't!"

Navarro didn't thought this through....nope at all.

"A what?! Fuck no! Why?!" Navarro said. This is going too far and to point of stupidity. "We don't need to do this. Look let's all cool off and-"

"So Ink returns to a party where everything is awkward? I don't think so! The party has just begun! So if you guys know Ink better than anyone else like me of course since I am rival. Who knows! It would be fun getting to know her." Kali said, crossing her arms.

Midoriya voices his objection, "I don't know, Kali. Navarro is right, let's all cool off."

"Damn it Deku, stop being a pansy! I'm in!" Bakugo said.

"But here's a twist. The girls will score based on your answer." Kali said, surprising the girls in the room.

"Huh?!" Yuuka stared. Kali explains, "After all we girls have to score how romantic it is. As for the boys, they will score you on how right you are and gutsy it is!" Kali said the rules. The boys who don't share feelings for Ink looks conflicted but they need to get the party going.

"Sounds good?"

“Sounds good to me.” Denji said, nodding at the rules.

The girls are worried if this turns into a fight but they have to settle this so they nod. Navarro sweatdropped, you gotta be kidding me. Navarro I'd slowly regretting his life choices.

"I'm in. Knowing Ink, she wouldn't want the party to stop." Rin said. Yukio slump his shoulders and sighs. 

Fin ushers, "C'mon, Atsushi! You can’t let those guys talk shit about you like that!” Said Fin much to his friend, Ahmed who sighs. 

“Dude, you gotta enter man.” Ryuji told Ren while Futaba nods her head, “You gotta show those guys that Ink is the one for you! None of these guys!” Futaba said. Ren enters. 

“You guys can’t be serious....” Yuuka stares. 

“You guys...” Midoriya can’t believe that everyone is going along with this. Ochaco pats on his shoulder, “Midoriya...I know you don’t want to but...don’t you want to tell Ink how you really feel?”

“Eh?!” Even Ochaco noticed too?! 

“Well looks like everyone is there!” Kali grins, happy that everyone is joining so let’s get this jeopardy on the road. Kali got the questions and the six cagertories.

-------- Love Jepoardy begins --------

Here are the five categories and on the game board. There are 100 to 500 points on the game board. She grins as she has buzzers for the boys each. Navarro wondered how prepared that Kali is right now for this shit. 

“Now let’s begin!” 

#rp #ic #thesilverpeahenresidence #if you want...we can discuss the six cagetories! XD #Van Ink Za Tatsu No Harem|| Drabble #Van Ink Za Tatsu No Harem || How To Settle This!

[marjansmarwani]

the truth is stranger than all my dreams

2.9k || ao3

Marjan likes to think that she’s confident, that she can take on anything. But things are showing her that she may not know herself as well as she thinks and that the future can be a scary thing. 

------

A Marjan centric coda to 2x04

Because Marjan deserves a fic too. Beta’d by @officereyes

-----------

Marjan’s two worlds collided with a thunderous crash when she saw Salim standing at the edge of the rink. Turning the corner expecting to see her friends and seeing him right beside them was so incongruous. For all her usual grace under fire, she didn’t know how to handle this, or what to say. These were some of the people with whom she felt safest with in the entire world - she trusted each of them with her life - but somehow having them all in one room left her reeling. 

“Fiance” was the truth, but it somehow felt wrong. It didn’t feel like enough to encompass all that he was and all their relationship was. It may have been the wrong one too, judging by the reactions of her friends. Well, Carlos tried, but the rest were stuck in shock. She couldn’t say that she blamed them. It’s not like she had ever mentioned him before. 

She was happy to see him; it had been over a year now since she had left Miami and their families behind. But with no warning on a day out with her friends was too much. It felt so foreign and somehow wrong. Salim fit into a specific space in her head, her life here in Austin in another. She had never anticipated the two having to collide without warning. 

But he smiled at her and she returned it. He joined them in watching the next bout and all seemed at ease. He struck up a conversation with her friends, it all seemed normal. It was all fine, so she didn’t know why she felt an undercurrent of dread. When she asked him later on, when they were alone waiting for his uber, why now he had simply said he had missed her, that he had wanted to see her, that he had wanted it to be a surprise. 

Mission accomplished there, for sure. 

As they parted for the evening and he made her promise to free some time up for him tomorrow, after her shift, she agreed with a smile. The shock had faded and maybe the feeling of displacement would soon too. 

Having another person she cared about in the same city should be a good thing, after all. 

-------

She had been debating whether the smell was simply stuck in her head or if she actually needed to shower again when she was interrupted by her phone vibrating its way across the bench beside her. When she opened the message waiting for her all other thoughts fled her mind. Salim wanted to have dinner in one of the nicest restaurants in the city with her, alone. There was confusion, but there were also alarm bells sounding in her head. Him showing up here, him inviting her to dinner at a nice restaurant without a chaperone? They had a plan but she was starting to get the feeling that he wanted to change that plan. 

She rewrapped her hair and headed to the bunks, reading the message again, looking for any clues she may have missed. There are none. He’s not coming out and saying anything, but she can hear it shouted between the lines. He’s tired of waiting and wants to move forward. She flops back onto her bed with a groan. This wasn’t the plan. They still have time. She still has time. 

Paul and Mateo asked her about it and while she appreciated their words and show of support, it doesn’t change the fact that she had no idea how to handle this. Paul’s right: Salim is likely tired of waiting. She doesn’t know why, she doesn’t know what brought it on. All she knows is that when she showed up to dinner he was more than likely going to ask her a question that she didn’t know how to answer.

TK joined them and after the other two fill him in and he voices his support for whatever she decides, she smiled. If nothing else, she knew she could always count on her team. The thought of leaving Austin and them so soon; when she had just built a life here and found a family and happiness, is too much. She’s not ready. She just hopes it doesn't come to that and if it does, Salim can understand. 

------

As Marjan let herself back into her apartment she fell back on the closed door and closed her eyes. For so long she had had this plan. For so long she had taken comfort in the fact that she knew what her future held. There had been no uncertainty, no wondering if every time she put her heart on the line it might just end up getting crushed instead. She was going to live her life for herself for a while, and then she was going to marry Salim. That was it, full stop, end of story. 

Or so she had thought. 

Just this morning she had been telling Paul and Mateo how much sense it made, how smart it was. She had been so sure. But apparently even the best-laid plans were still just that: plans. And plans could be changed, or broken. 

She wasn’t sure where to go from here. She didn’t know what the next step was. What was the procedure for your intended deciding that was it, that you were done now? She should probably call her parents but she didn’t want to talk about this. Not yet; she was still processing it herself.  She sighed and opened her eyes again before taking a deep breath and venturing further into her apartment. 

She couldn’t deny that even past all the confusion, it hurt. Maybe it was petty or egotistical, but she had thought that she had been worth waiting for. The idea that she wasn’t, that he had managed to find someone else hurt more than she wanted to admit. This was exactly the kind of hurt this plan was supposed to avoid. She wasn’t meant to have her heart broken before she had even given it away. 

But maybe that was the problem too. She never had given her heart to it, had she? She had hidden behind a wall of plans and rules and humor. She hadn’t allowed herself to be vulnerable. She had been so determined to avoid the pain of heartbreak that she may have inadvertently caused it. And not just for herself, either. She may not have set out to do so, but she had hurt Salim along the way too. As much as she didn’t want to accept it and as tempting as it was to lay the blame on him for choosing a way out, this was at least partially her fault.

But that, she decided, was a problem for the morning. Tonight she would allow herself to sulk, just a little. She would let herself feel this and she would get up in the morning and start again. Maybe by then this aching feeling in her chest would have faded, maybe by then things would look a little brighter.  

------

Marjan loved Salim. At least, she was pretty sure she did.

The thing is she had never been good at that: at deciding what her feelings were, at feeling them at all. 

All her life she had been told that love would develop over time. She really believed that, it made sense to her. It was far more logical, more reasonable to base a relationship on mutual affection, on friendship and respect for the other person than it was to take a gamble on passion; to rest your future on emotions that were as fickle as the weather. 

She cared about Salim - he knew her better than almost anyone else. She trusted him, she cared for him. She did love him, in a way. She saw him as someone safe, she saw him as a future she could be happy with. They had always been on the same page and they had always had each other’s backs. It was simple, uncomplicated. It was what she wanted. 

She had always thought he had wanted the same. She had spent half a lifetime believing it to be true, knowing that no matter what in the end, they would have each other. There was love in her heart for him, that she knew for sure. She’s just not sure if it’s the same kind he apparently felt for her. 

Or, at least, she hadn’t been. Now that she was on the other side of the plan she had built her life around, she wasn’t so sure. There was an ache in her chest; a dull pain that stung even more with each thought she had of Salim and the night before. She wasn’t an expert, but she was fairly certain this was what a broken heart felt like. 

She appreciated Paul and Mateo’s sympathy and Paul’s advice even more, but even as she left them to go to the kitchen she still didn’t know where to go from here. What was the point of sharing her feelings when he had already made his choice? What good was this realization when it came a day too late? 

She entered the kitchen in search of some tea only to find it already occupied by TK, who was putting away dishes with far more force than necessary. She frowns as she steps forward, “Hey dude, you good?” 

He turned to face her and though the expression on his face was decidedly not fine he nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine.” He studied her and his frown deepened, “Are you?” 

“No? I don’t know.” She sighed and sank into one of the stools at the counter. TK crossed the kitchen to join her, leaning onto the counter from the other side so they were at eye level. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Do you?” she countered, “because I don’t believe your bs for a second and you are not okay either.” 

“I will if you do.” 

They held each other’s gazes for a long moment before she sighed and relented, “It’s Salim.” 

“I figured as much. I take it dinner didn’t go well?” 

“You could say that,” she said dryly, “he asked me if I ever loved him, and told me he was tired of being the only one pining, that he wanted to be with someone who loved him and he wasn’t sure he was willing to take the risk that I might grow to love him later, after all this time. And then, on top of all that, he told me he had met someone else.” 

“Shit Marj, I’m so sorry.” She nodded and gave him a small smile. Paul may be the station mind reader, but TK knew her well enough that he knew also the answer without even having to ask the question: yes, it bothered her. 

“The worst part,” she continued, “is that I realized I might actually love him after all, just a day too late.” 

TK gave her a grimace of sympathy, but she patted his hand before he could say anymore, “Your turn now: a deal’s a deal. What’s got you wound so tight today?”

He studied her for a moment before he relented with a sigh, “Carlos and I ran into his parent’s at the farmer’s market yesterday, and he introduced me as his friend, from work.”

The quip was there on the tip of her tongue, the joke to break the tension, but Salim’s voice sounded in the back of her mind, and of course, you make a joke. As much as she hated to admit it, in light of everything, he was right. She did use humor to avoid confronting emotions whenever possible. But sitting here watching TK stare down at his hands miserably, she took a breath and jumped in: “Did he say why? Is he not out to his parents?” 

“No, he’s out to them. I guess...I guess it’s just more complicated than I thought.”

“Most things are.” 

TK gave a harsh laugh, “that’s for sure.” 

They lapsed into quiet for a few moments before he spoke, “We both are going to have to swallow our pride, aren’t we?” 

Marjan shook her head, “I don’t know if pride is really the issue here, for either of us. I think it’s fear.” 

“You might be onto something there,” TK admitted. 

The conversation faded as they each retreated back into their own thoughts before eventually,  TK spoke again, “What are you going to do about Salim?” 

“I’m not sure yet,” she admitted with a shrug, “I don’t really know where to go from here. None of this was ever part of the plan, but I guess nothing ever stays the same.” 

“You should tell him.” 

TK’s words are sudden and she looked up at him sharply, “What, like some dramatic love confession? To try to get him to leave someone else he has already made a commitment to? That all seems...very much not me.” 

“And the decision is up to you, obviously, but I think you owe it to yourself to tell him the truth. It doesn't have to be dramatic, just give him all the information and let him make a decision. I think it’s only fair to make sure you are on the same page. Nothing good has ever come from hiding anything from someone you care about.”

She considered his words. They were remarkably similar to Paul’s, which should tell her more than the words themselves. Neither of her two friends would ever advise her to do anything less than what they thought best. Maybe it was worth considering. Maybe it was time to face this fear. Whatever came couldn’t be worse than the dread of missed opportunity. 

“What about you?” she asked him, “what are you going to do?” 

He was quiet again before finally, he shrugged, “I don’t know Marj,” he admitted quietly, “I love him. I thought he loved me. I want to think that he does, but if that’s not the case...I don’t see any way forward.” 

Marjan’s heart broke for him. He looked so miserable and briefly she remembered her thoughts yesterday, how she had claimed even to herself that her future with Salim was safer, less likely to lead to heartbreak. Maybe some things simply couldn’t be avoided; maybe some things were just too universal, no matter your background or approach.  

“I don’t think that’s true,” she told him instead, “don’t forget I have spent a significant amount of time with you two. He loves you just as much as you love him. Whatever this is, I don’t think it has to do with you. I think that maybe you’re not the only one that feels scared.”

TK deflated a bit before meeting her eyes, “If that’s true, what does it mean that I never noticed?” 

Marjan gave him a soft smile, “It means that you’re human. But now that you know, you’re going to have to figure out what to do about it.” 

“Any ideas?” 

She smirked at him, feeling a little bit more like herself now after this talk, “I can’t just give you all the answers, TK. Where would the fun be in that?” 

———

For the second time in as many days when her door closed behind her, she sank back onto it. She had said what she needed to say, and she had meant it. Despite everything she felt for Salim, despite all the plans and promises, there was no going back from here and once again she was left wondering what was next. 

They had talked, before she left. They had decided that he would tell their parents, and she couldn’t be more grateful to him. They had figured out all the logistics of ending it; crossed all the figurative t’s and dotted all the hypothetical i’s. They had successfully dismantled the plan she had built her life around. She wasn’t sure if she was meant to feel relief or excitement, but all she really felt was anxiety. She didn’t know where to go from here. At this very moment she had a completely open future. There were no plans, no landmarks in sight. Maybe it should have been exciting and maybe someday it would be. Right now all she can feel is shock and maybe a little bit of grief too. The future was a wide and daunting thing that she was now facing without a map and it left her feeling unmoored; a leaf on the wind with no control over where she landed. 

Maybe for now the best thing to do was focus on the now. Her now is something she can take comfort in; it is a space in which she is sure of her footing and where she is happy. Maybe the answer is to just focus on that: on her job, on her team, on her friends. Maybe if she did that the rest would reveal itself, in time. 

So she pushed herself off the door and squared her shoulders, holding her head high as she entered her apartment. For tonight she would focus on her life. She would take some time to herself or maybe see what the others were doing. Then in the morning she would get up and go to work and continue focusing on the now and what she had. 

The future was a problem for tomorrow and for now, it could stay there.  

#911 lone star #911 lone star fic #marjan marwani #911ls spoilers #911ls season 2 #my writing #userkimmy #usermaximus #userac #tuserpaige #userjilly #userbones

[cooloddball]

DESTIEL AND COCKLES RANT

THIS IS A RANT ON ALL THINGS DESTIEL AND COCKLES

PS. I do not know how to make gifs and or use photos yet so feel free to add yours

I have said this before and I will say it again. I have been in this fandom for a month and I ship Destiel and Cockles anyone who has a problem with this then move along and/or if you are an anti and read this, keep your hateful comments to yourself.

That being said, I have read about almost all ships in the fandom but mostly Destiel, Cockles, Wincest, and J2. Through all the reading and discovery, I still have to say I ship Cockles and Destiel more than ever before. However, I have seen some things from the antis that did not sit well with me.

This is going to be a long post so brace yourself and it is mostly about the hate the antis (anti-cockles, anti-wives , and anti-Destiel Shippers spread). Also this is a rant so don’t mind me,

ON DESTIEL

The hate on Destiel is massive. Mostly this is from Bronlies who hate Cas like he is the anti-Christ, and the Wincest shippers.

Now I am not trying to rain on anyone’s parade but come on. Cas is Dean’s best friend. Whether you ship them romantically or not, it is canon that Cas Dean’s best friend. We have seen time and again how miserable Dean is every time Cas dies. Dea has also expressly stated that Cas is his best friend and even said they are better together; all three of them including Sam. He has called him his family. So why the hate? Chuck himself has said that he has rebuilt Cas more times than anyone.

Now, people who believe that it is better to ship Sam and Dean who are literally blood brother but it is not okay to ship Dean and Cas what is wrong with you? Is it okay for someone to fuck their brother and/or be in love with them? I mean come on.

Before I was even a shipper, I always looked forward to episodes that Cas was in. He brought a different dynamic to the show in a positive way. Yes, I love the brothers but Cas is just deifferent and all the sass he brings makes the show, at least to me 10 times better. Sue me.

People saying that JA would never be comfortable with Destine because he is a Christian. I mean, he can call Chuck a dick, call angels dicks, make deals with demons and all other unchristian things but kissing another man is where he draws the line? If he was such a Christian, why does he let another man straddle him on stage or want to kill God?

Someone once said that JA supports wincest. I saw the video and I get what he said is that whatever floats your boat or something like that. So why is it so hard for him when it comes to Destiel? I don’t understand this man. He is a paradox.

 ON COCKLES

I have seen antis, mostly those who ship J2 throw shade at MC saying that JA doesn’t like him, he just tolerates him and everything they do is for PR. I have not once seen anyone say that JP doesn’t like MC. You know why? I believe they view MC as a threat to their J2 ship.

So I stumbledupon this antis blog who had a whole analysis (much like am doing here) on why JA cannot be a couple. Here are some that I remember from the top of my head:

1.     That JA said that he thinks Matt Bomer is attractive.

2.     That JA moved to Austin to be live next to JP.

3.     That JA and MC have nothing in common being that JA plays golf and sings etc and that MC does woodwork, writes poetry and bicycle touring.

4.     That JA is with JP hence no. 2.

5.     That JA does not curse on stage but MC does.

6.     That MC does not take acting seriously but JA does.

Now now now. This beats logic. All the above things I beg to differ with not because I am cockles shipper but it is just common sense.

Being with someone or rather being in love with someone does not mean any of the above things have to be true. Hear me out.

1.     On finding Matt Bomer attractive. I have many celebrity crushes, there are also ordinary people that I find attractive. But then again, I have a boyfriend, who I am in love with; I have been with for six years. But he looks nothing like my celebrity crushes or the ordinary people I find attractive. Does that mean I am not in love with him? No. It means I have eyes and I can appreciate beauty and have a few fantasies but I chose to be with him because I love him. He also has other people he finds attractive that look nothing like me, does that mean he does not love me? I mean come on.

 Oh the most hilarious thing is that the anti said you cannot compare Matt to MC since Matt is way attractive. I mean come on; they may not look alike but they both have dark hair, blue eyes. Seriously people! And MC is so handsome and adorable at the same time. Sometimes I feel like he looks better than JA and JP. Sue me.

 2.     On JA moving to Austin. Lol. This means that he went to live next to his best friend. I mean come on. I have moved to live next to my best friend (bff) who is married. Does that mean I am in love with her? Hell no! But I feel safer knowing that she is there for me.

Also people need to understand, MC and JA could be involved romantically or not (pick your poison) but you don’t need to be next to your lover to love them or be in a relationship with them. Lond distance relationships anyone? They have families and kids and other priorities. Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not necessarily mean you live together or evn in the same area. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and also they are where they are now because of other priorities in their lives. So, living together or in the same town doesn’t make you more or less in love.

3.     On the issue of common interests. This made me laugh so hard. I mean comeon, People who are together do not need to share any interests. The diversity of their interests is probably what attracted them to each other. Also how can you say a poet and a singer have nothing in common? They are artists. MC can write poems that JA can sing. Oh also remember that video MC’s friend DM posted on Twitter where they did the whole bicycle touring in Germany? Uh huh? JA seemed to be interested in that a lot. So..

4.     I could say a lot about JA being with Jp. This J2 being married and their wives being beards is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Seriously, J2 tinhats have gone ahead to hate of D’s posts and call her names. Telling her to stop pretending that she is JA. It is laughable and not in a nice way, really. Can they just stop? Before I became a cockles shipper I watched J2 videos where they interact be it cons, red carpet moments or even gag reels. It is just different. All I see are two bros; one that is really playful like a little puppy and the other one trying to be the big brother. As for JA and MC, it is different, there are things that JA is comfortable when Mc does that he is not comfortable when JP does them. Neck kisses for a start.

Also most of the J2 tinhats evidence about J2 being real is rarely backed up by visual evidence and if there is any, it is usually from years ago. I am not hating on antis, just stating facts.

5.     I mean, cursing on stage really? I curse all the time my bf doesn’t. Does that mean he doesn’t like me or love me? Hell to the Fucking No! Suck it!

6.     On Mc not taking acting seriously. Yeah I can guess why he doesn’t. It is not his only priority unlike JA who has chosen it as a career path. From what I have seen, MC’s priorities include making the world a better place through charities, politics, and oh, he is also a writer. Oh so forgive him if he is not obsessed with acting. Besides JA says that he likes how he acts as Cas because it is not like anything he has seen from other guest stars that have come on the show. I mean not being serious about something does not mean that you are not good at it. Would he have lasted 11 seasons if he was not good at what he does?

There was also hate that JA is only around MC for PR and he actually hates him. There were some photos and gifs so the apparent hate. So, if he cannot stand him, why is there so much evidence of JA going to MC to give some love, Neck kisses, intimate IG posts, face caresses, ass smacks, calling him his baby dadfy, heart eyes, even when they don’t know that they are being filmed?

Also why is it during the Vegascon 2020 all JA did was bring up MC unnecessarily even when no one, absolutely nobody asked him to. Come on! stop the bs and admit that Cockles is the realest ship in the history of ships!!

ON THE WIVES

I swear bitches be crazy. How can you just hat someone for literally nothing? This is mostly from J2 tinhats at other J2 stans who do not ship J2 together romantically. I mean…comeon. You do not need to be a stan for the wives just because they are married to J2 but please stop with the madness.

I recently saw someone comment on various JA posts on IG asking why he is lying to the fans that he is with D when he is with JP. So many rude things have been said about the wives especially D that it breaks my heart.

Seiously? People have gone ahead even to say that she is with JA’s friend SC and that the twins are not JA’s they are SC’s since D and SC are ‘always’ hanging out together. My question is, so D is not supposed to hang out with their friends? And for Chuck’s sake, everyone can see that the twins especially the boy (idk their names, sorry) looks like JA’s twin. I mean come on people.

I believe that they hate D because she says how much she loves MC and that Cas is her favorite character and that they are also bitter that JA chose her and not them. Just my opinion, but what do I know. On JP and G. I don’t know much about them mostly because I do not follow either of them of IG or elsewhere but I have seen hate on G as well.

The antis have gone ahead to say that when JA said that he was hanging out with SC writing songs, that he was lying and that nothing was happening he was just trying to dampen the rumours. I wonder how they felt when the album by JA and Sc came out last year. Jokes on you haters. Bitches be crazy fr.

Oh, the antis also say that the same way JA looks at his wife is the same way he looks at MC. With contempt. I mean talk about hanging yourself with your own rope. What they are saying is, JA feels about his wife the same way he feels abouts MC. Aww! That is true love bitches.

If JA actually cannot stand MC, shouldn’t he have gotten him fired from the show or at least make sure he gets less screen time and that they don’t have any panels together being that JA is the star of the show and all. I mean Mark left and he was a major character to the plot so...

Also why would JA give and buy MC clothes if he hates him? Give him a ring, a bracelet? Huh? Explain it to me.

Oh, some anti also said that before every Cockles panel at JIBCON JA cries and has to be forced on stage by Daniella and JP has to give him a hug and that’s why he drinks a lot of apple juice. LOL. WTF? What do you say to such people. I cannot even..My question is, are we talking about the same Cockles panels that I have seen? Then JA deserves all the Oscars and Tony Awards for his impeccable acting skills when he is around MC. Must really hate him. *wink*

MY TWO CENTS ON COCKLES

I know JA gives off mixed actions about MC. But I think it is to confuse people like us, shippers.  He does’t want to too out there so he tries so hard to be mean with his words. But his actions tell a different story. I mean, who gets a boner when their friend straddles them on stage and then goes ahead to post that chest to chest selfie on IG. That is the gayest thing I have ever seen.

Sharing clothes? I mean friends do share clothes but if it is like a daily thing. More than 20 articles of clothing exchanged between each other on various occasions even when they are apart does not make sense to me. And to make matters worse, JA does not deny it. One even had a tag on it. Lol. We are not children, we can see what is going on.

The 2014 DallasCon – Rob’s Birthday Party. WTF? Was all that between JA and MC? Why did he he swallow and react like that when he saw MC’s bare abdomen? Who does that? Also the looks when MC was leaving the stage. Come on.

Also what was up with the” I love you from the bottom of my heart” at the MTV top 10 in 2010.

The wife is my rock but I am glad to have some pebbles in my life.

Truth is, JA could post a video of him balls deep in MC and the antis could say that somehow MC manipulated JA to post it for PR.

People need to leave MC alone, he ie a human being who has made mistakes, JA and JP have too and I don’t see the antis hating on them. The double Standard s FOH.

I could write about this forever but the truth is JA loves MC, and D and V know that they love each other. All their friends know including JP and other castmates. I believe they know it is more than just friends and the antis can’t stand it because they also know it to be true.

JA LOVES MC. JP LOVES MC. J2M LOVE EACH OTHER. J2 LOVE THEIR WIVES. STOP THE HATE!!

I am not done but I am done for now. I could be here forever writing about this if I do not stop.

#destiel #cockles #cockles is real #cockles csi #stop the hate #antis are mean

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issues 4&5

its delphi time babey

I'm sorry but drift & co look like such fuckin nerds on their scooter things on the cover lmaooo

oh god. seeing the first page just reminded me of how horribly confused i was for this whole little arc the first time i read it. i was like ok, who are all these new characters, and also why does everyone look so similar

anyways now i now what's going on. i love first aid

love the running continuity of rung being the literal only psychologist on cybertron (except for fr*id but that's later). no wonder everyone's fucked up they all have to share a single therapist 

ok i find it extremely funny that first aid was demoted from doctor to nurse, as if that's a thing that happens EVER - I mean it'd be one thing if first aid was a nurse practitioner (which i doubt is a position that exists here), at least that demotion would make sense, but like...the doctors i work with don't know how to do most nurse stuff (like BP, cathing, vaccinations, hell even using some of the thermometers - that's all stuff nurses/etc do), so demoting one to a nurse would be a disaster (just like promoting a really good nurse to a doctor would be a bad idea). anyways i know I'm being pedantic but it Be like that when you work in the medical field and read something that has medicine-related stuff in it

i love swerve giving ratchet the tiniest free drink ever lmaooo

is that skids being a rowdy drunk in the bg lmaoooo

unironically i love medical statistics. keep it comin

i love magnus’s giant sternal chestpiece thing. its like a bird’s sternum but without the massive pec muscles attached 

i love magnus and rodimus’s dynamic so much

oh pipes....im so sorry but this fun space adventure is going to be not so much fun for you

ratchets ideologies are certainly interesting, and i liked seeing how they changed over the course of the story

drift: why would i be SCARED of the DJD, I've got a SWORD, two swords even,

hvbhajkhfbsdjkf pipes really said ‘oi, you two - what's this, then?’ that's the most british fucking thing, that's literally something i say when I'm doing an overexaggerated british accent, oh my god,

PIPES IS SUCH A TINY DUMBASS. ILY SIR BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING

aaaand now you're covered in dead bodies, pipes. look at your life, look at your choices

drift epic sword moments

drift confirmed for the kinda weird guy who has katanas that he uses to like, cut up fruit and water bottles in his backyard while rodimus films him

‘i thought i heard...bickering’ lmaooooo

ah, so its covid

this arc is how i feel working in healthcare lmaooo especially now that i probably have covid 

so rewind condensed the entire war into an 11 second long cringe compilation. nice

seeing the mechanical stuff past tailgate’s visor is so cool

poor tailgate, this guy is getting slammed with history from multiple sides. and like, bias is inevitable in ANY sort of recounting of events, especially controversial historical events, so poor tg just kinda has to take it all in and decide who to listen to 

that’s...not really how immunity works, guys. also, you shouldn't be exposed to so much disease with proper ppe usage

is there even such thing as ppe in the transformers universe?? there are fluid- and contact-transmitted illnesses, so there SHOULD be

is there even OSHA in this universe??????? unbelievable 

first aid, holding a giant fucking claw clamp: we haven't tried EVERYTHING............

first aid read a human wikihow article on how to jumpstart a car and took notes 

i love tailgate’s ‘mom says its my turn on the xbox’ pose 

tailgate has a point - he’s from pre-war times, where things weren't as grey so of course he would try to divide the two sides into ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’

CYCLONUS BE NICE DONT HIT UR FUTURE HUSBAND

go get some character development and then maybe you'll feel better

seeing the word quarantine is making me twitchy w/my possible month-long complete isolation quarantine on the horizon

drift pulling his swords on pipes and ratchet pushing down drift’s arms...lmao

poor pipes...even tho this is completely his fault, its still rough

also jesus, pharma and ratchet look so goddamn similar, reading this was so confusing the first time around 

drifts idea of subduing pipes involves turning into a cool car and also posing with his sword

also. never gonna be over drift’s massive thighs. jesus man

ooof now drift has the rona. ouch 

poor drift, his covid realization is getting overshadowed by pharma being flung around

first aid bustin thru w/the epic medical nipple clamps and some Big Boi Backup

ok that's an epic pre-beatdown speech from fort max right there, daym 

im just gonna continue on w/issue 5 now for continuity’s sake. yay!

the cover of tailgate in magnus’s autobot school is so cute

and we open with an incredible shot of fort max str8 up ripping a guy in half. i mean, to be fair, he DID just give an epic speech about how much he was gonna do that, and he certainly followed thru

yeahhhhh, fort max is not doing so well atm

when he puts that dudes head in his chest vent thing and then snaps it shut....man 

also i fucking LOVE when their faces are shaded all in black w/only the eyes/mouth fully drawn...fantastic stuff

ratchet: phew i am not equipped to deal w/this level of Fucked Up Mental Trauma. u good m8?

ratchet is already writing up a referral to rung for fort max as this is happening

drift is just laying on the ground dying like, oh hey yeahh I'm still here too 

i fucking love when punctuation is drawn in story - like here where first aid has a little ? over his head....fav

ratchet holding drifts hand ;_; 

ok tbh ambulon having switched sides 10 yrs ago is wild bc like, 10 years is barely any time for these guys, especially in a war that lasted 4 million years. that would be like a human switching sides in a war like, 3 months before it ends. probably. i sense some math bs, I'm just extrapolating here

all that mexican standoff shit is going down and first aid is just like But That's None Of My Business

ah so ambulon is an asymptomatic carrier 

and there's first aid with the save! iconic

pharma calling ratchet ‘buddy’ hbvakjdsbfhkasdf

ooooh i love that they figured it out - and i love that twist, that transforming is what triggers the start of symptoms. remember when drift turned into a cool car? yep

s/o to Ambulon Transformers for helping me in my medical terminology courses, bc now ill always remember: Leg(tm)

also this explanation makes a ton more sense (in universe, at least) than the whole ‘i guess we as medical staff have been exposed to enough Germz that we’re more immune to this or something’ theory 

ah, i love the meaningless (to me) alien robot medical jargon 

drift and ratchet hhhhhhhhh

‘I'm too wide’ fort max L O R G E

also once again drift is forgotten in favor of a bunch of other dramatic stuff happening vbhjksdfbjhskdf

godddd i love tailgates little flashbacks where we see how Important and Special he is, complete with his ‘bomb disposal’ arm label...augh its so good! 

and tailgate’s autopedia page even reflects his lies! like, did tailgate go edit that first thing upon waking up??? seriously, I'm fascinated by tailgate’s meticulous dedication to his fake life

also the fact that ultra magnus believes everything he read on autopedia is amazing lmao

ultra magnus: you think somebody would just go on the internet and tell lies? 

fuckgin love magnus’s long ass name/title placard 

tailgate hvbahjkdfbjhaskf i mean, he’s gotten the abridged version of everything else, of course he would assume that’d be the case here too...but not on magnus’s watch

magnus cant even say ‘fun’ hvukdasdbjfkjsadf i love my uptight law dad

love rung implying that upon questioning, he would easily divulge a patient’s name and maybe even information about said patient’s treatment while under him....love the disregard for patient confidentiality and hipaa in general 

not that hipaa seems to exist here, at least not in a fully realized form 

also i mean the above genuinely, i think rung’s tendency towards at least slight malpractice is very interesting 

poor red alert....super bad luck that HE was the guy to get roped up in that overlord business 

I'm glad that, at the very least, red alert was able to prove that he was Actually hearing something to rung, rather than get brushed off completely 

god magnus and tailgate’s interactions are golden 

also tg is much more sarcastic/quippy than anyone gives him credit for tbh

‘thought warfare,’ ultra magnus says with complete seriousness. god i fucking love this comic

now i can tell pharma apart from ratchet bc pharma has let his true Petty Bitch nature emerge and you can see it in his expressions

the whole ‘tarn is addicted to transforming’ thing didn't really go anywhere, right? i feel like i noticed that on my second readthru as well 

also pharma is such an interesting character given the context of him like, trying to strike a bargain w/the djd to keep them from destroying delphi, but that arrangement inevitably kinda making him lose it as the situation escalates. he’s also just really entertaining bc i feel like he kins the joker or st and probably gets into really heated arguments w/people on twitter about just abt anything

‘sound bomb’ i love this comic

another important facet of pharma’s character becomes clear around this time as well - how he’s really into ratchet. i also choose to read them as awful exes tbh, it makes their dynamic even more entertaining

‘killmaster, with the wand’ is one of my favorite running remarks lmao

also, was killmaster even a character before mtmte? or, if he was, was he an important one? it would crack me up the most if he literally didn't exist at all, but any way you spin it is still funny 

ratchet’s tiny humansona facing off against pharma is wild

‘I'm miles from anyone i truly care about’ brutal, ratchet, drift is dying like 2 floors away (im p sure)

SUDDENLY DRIFT IS HERE, ACTUALLY 

oh don't worry first aid, that sure isn't the last we’ll be seeing of pharma 

so like, did first aid save everyone by posting that data log to his wreckers fan blog or something? lmao love it 

i love the pretty fucked up reveal of ratchet having stolen pharma’s hands. like, damn dude. 

and that wraps up the delphi arc! our first true ‘arc’ of mtmte, and a fantastic one at that. short and snappy and fresh, with some very clever writing and cool new characters, and a lot of great plot threads to be picked up later. plus, we got to see the beginnings of drift and ratchet’s whole thing (and ratchet and pharmas whole thing). and the lost light gets some much needed extra medical staff, so everyone wins! 

well, we’ll see how fort max feels about this all pretty soon.....

#lj rereads mtmte #love me some delphi

[ajw720]

Um Darren and John Stamos have been friends for years, not bc of Royalties. In fact he probably was cast bc of how close he and D are. Also Jennifer C was on a couple of episodes of g/l/e/e season six. We don’t know how close they are and either way what’s the big deal. D and M invited who they wanted to THEIR wedding. Wild I know.

Dearest Nonnie, I purposely did not say anywhere that JS was not a friend, I do not dispute that D and JS have a friendship, though frankly i doubt they are that close.  He is the one celeb aside from the g/lee peeps that made sense.  That being said, he hardly has an exciting career, he is a blah actor and singer and you bet he got this role for being an enabler.

But you are DELUDING yourself if you think he is closer to PA or JC or AL or BS than any of the people we mentioned plus about 25-30 others.

But i do agree on one thing, the people there were the people D WANTED there as he went out of his way to assure many of his true friends were not forced to participate in that utter fraud.

Keep drinking the Kool Aide. Did you reconcile GROUP HONEYMOON yet???????????

[clarice-dagny-archived]

Weekly Wrap Up [Dec 13th - 20th]

“I got in!!  Not gonna lie, I didn’t think I would.  I figured a pack with an original in it would be a lot more strict on who they let in.  When I first got here, there was all this stuff too about demons and their omega leaving or something and everyone was so depressing.  But they let me join anyway after a couple of days.  I’m on some kind of probation period thing for a month which basically means this guy, Reed, is my personal body guard or something but that’s fine.  I can’t wait to tell everyone back home that I actually did it.”

“I swear, Effie and I have the worst luck ever.  Every time something good happens with us, something bad also happens.  First it was the Lydia stuff when we found out about Luca and now this recent stuff with Aslyn right when we find out we got our house.  It’s so weird.  I don’t really get it.  I thought Aslyn liked being with the pack.  I don’t get why she’d drop everything to be with the demons.  I figured she was being brainwashed but it doesn’t sound like it.  It sounds like she actually wants to be with them.  I know she’s had one hell of a year but haven’t we all?  Either way, I’m not letting it ruin our holiday.  We’re going to hang out with my family which will be a lot of fun.  I’m sure mom will gush over Luca since he’s getting big enough that you can sorta feel him moving if you wait long enough.  It’s really freaky but kinda cool too.  Makes it seem more real now that I’m gonna be a dad.”

“Looks like Azy’s staying with us.  Talk about weird.  When Boyd first was going on about her joining us I never thought it’d actually happen but guess I was wrong.  I figured she’d come back, stay a day or two then go crawling back to that lame pack of hers but nah.  She even killed a guy which was surprising.  She won’t agree to becoming a demon but I give it a month.  If she’s serious about being here she’ll have to at some point.  Boyd seems happier so I guess that’s nice.  Still kinda bothers me that it took the little bitch to get him to that but whatever.  Kenna’s not thrilled but she’s behaving.  I’m trying to keep her distracted so she doesn’t feel like she’s being replaced.  Azy and I hung out and she’s really not that bad.  I think she could still use some corrupting and I’m just the demon to help her with it.”

“Something’s going on with Bex but I’m not sure what it is.  Logically it’s the demon shit but I don’t know what that means.  She’s been acting weird and things keep happening that she’ll just brush off.  Like the mirror being broken the other day.  She said she didn’t know how it happened but pretty sure that was some straight up BS.  I’m afraid to talk to her about it though because if I start to panic, she will too.  I’m trying to stay positive and level headed but I’m scared shitless about what she could be turning into.  It’s not like I can look into the future and see what it is and asking Elijah for help didn’t go so well last time so we have no choice but to ride this thing out.”

“...

“She’s gone.  She’s not dead but she might as well be.  I know this is all my fault.  I let her go with Boyd.  I gave her the choice.  What did I expect?  She already ran off once.  Why did I think it’d be different this time?  I’m angry at myself and her and I don’t know...  Every time I pass her room I hold my breath.  Every now and again I catch her scent but it’s already starting to fade.  She’s only been gone a few days but we’ve already given up her position as omega and cut her pack funding and things like that.  I guess it’s my way of trying to cope sooner.  They say to rip the bandaid off quickly so it doesn’t hurt as much.  I’m not sure that’s true.  Everything still hurts.  I’m trying my best to focus on Sebastian and Jace because they’re what’s most important.  Aslyn’s gone.  She’s not coming back.  There’s no point in dwelling on that.  Even if she did come back...  It’s Imogen all over again.  As hard as that was, I had to cut her off too.  Aslyn’s no different.  She chose the path she did and she has to deal with the consequences of that.  I gave her multiple chances and she still left.  She’s no longer a part of this pack.  Period.  Boyd will either take care of her or betray her.  Either way, it’s not on me to worry about her anymore.  I hate it but I need to keep moving forward.”

#{ wrap up }

[paradisecost]

▼ : Are there popular head canons for your character(s) that you disagree with? Why?

1. flint being of irish descent, bc as valid as hcing every ginger character as irish is, scotland is also Right There and i never see scottish hcs SO that’s why my bastard is of half-scottish descent. irish flint is still very good though

2. silver’s story about growing up in an orphanage in whitechapel being true. i think the entirety of that is a lie, it doesn’t make sense for it to Actually Have Been True after the narrative makes such a huge deal of it… not being so… come on.

3. the hc that madi would Never Ever Take Silver Back After The Ending considering… bs is intended to lead up to treasure island, that’s the whole point, and sILVER AND MADI ARE MARRIED IN IT HDFKJSDNFKJNG

4. literally any hc that involves silver and flint being instantly attracted to one another. or tbh just anything implying they have sexual tension in seasons 1-2?? more so s1 but yEAH. like i love writing s2-ish silve/rf/lin/t with @coming-xf-age but his silver is just aBSOLUTELY THE EXCEPTION KSDNFJNG. 

5. literally any hc for any character ever that involves stereotypical top/bottom bullshit g-d it’s so boring. like yeah i talk about flint wanting to get rawed constantly but thats just because he happens to like being penetrated, he’s not “”””””a bottom”””””” iT’S NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT HSDKFDNSJFNG (though i will joke about it bc like. jokes.)

#asks #facts: silver #facts: flint #facts: madi #negative// #[ not really but JUST IN CASE ] #asoulofstars

[pgoeltz]

@blueshieldca  been begging for over a yr to get somtreatment for my back and health, its a nightmare, while CEO makes 42 million, i fight for hard worked benifits.  told to go to er???    my pain doctor told me yesterday he will buy the book of my death by bs of ca, as they dont care >>>>> 

all the notes they want me to go to a place that does not understand billing and i will be out of a 8 week program in 7 days

 paul goeltz 0aaaaa663 is social, and out of state, so special CS, heck they try, but i think i spend to much money and cutting cost to pay the ceo seem to be of more importance then helping ppl16 JAN 2019, 07:57btw i’m half dead from lack of case management, ur doctors that deny my back the right ops, meds, now i guess my pain meds is a no no so retire have to pay 30 its all profit so that fat white man can make 35 million dont worry the world will see it all, you all should be ashamed at your corupt industry money over health16 JAN 2019, 10:55Thank you for supplying your info, Paul. One of our Specialists will reach out shortly to assist. – SR18 JAN 2019, 07:10and thank for calling, but we had to hang up as i was waiting forBS of ca to call, she said she would call back yesterday was here all day, will be back here today, after pt so after10.30am MTand no call so maybe u can let them know here latter today..18 JAN 2019, 10:03I apologize for missing our call yesterday. I’ll call you after 10:30 today. – KristaTHURS 22:10well here we are 6 months later almost dead still zero@BlueShieldCA thanks claiming to #care #fastservice #CustomerService &blah blah blah, i have been trying 2get treetment 4almost a yr, ur #contractor doing #casemanagement has no clue, ur #phone reps dont call back, i dont think BS cares if i live or die its all #money and #F me.ask Esperanza Ramos RN she can explain how sick ur case mangement is and how mr goelts is stuck in the middle of hell and getting nothingwell i can start going to the er every 2 days that will cost about 100k real quickas ur call center says all the help is at the er they will help[ you and call us to figure out what to do with you, thats from ur call centerFRI 08:09anotherday waiting while BS and records and doctors try to figure out why or how paul can use benifits in both medical and mental, oh no, if we?BS keep hold off and FOOLING HIM WE WILL NOT HAVE TO PSAY AND CEO MAKES MILLIONS AND GETS GRT MEDICAL CARE, WELL STILL WAITINGI SHOULD BE TAKING PICTURES OF ME WITHERING AWAY 40 LBS ALREADY….FRI 09:58We’re sorry for your frustration. A Specialist will reach out to you shortly. – JessicaHi Paul. I’ve reviewed your policy and see that you’re trying to receive inpatient detox care. I also see that your case manager Esperanza is currently out of the office, which is why she hasn’t reached out to you. In some of your case notes I see that you stated the appeal filed on your behalf is incorrect. Can you please clarify if this is true? The appeal was assigned to a coordinator this morning, so if I need to remove the appeal I can. Also, if you could clarify exactly what you are wanting, I can work with your case manager to get you the required treatment. Please let me know as soon as possible. – Cortneymore than that if you want to talk call plsi dont have a case managerthey were fired as no brains4066423052FRI 11:45fyi Esperanza is not my case managedr she is trying to help after seeing the messing your case management co got me in, i have no case manager, and i need one to work both side of this medical and mental, So shortly is that longer than 3 hrs? yes the appeal that was filed is all wrong, meanwhile that much closer to death, hope everyone is getting a good laughno you dont need to remove tghe appeal it should have been filed a month ago as i called to file and the lady did nothing not even contact esEsperanza , and the grievence filed is wrong, i dont have time for this i needed help almost a yr ago when does this stopper doc kemple i need a level 4 detox or better, and admit in to a pain program such as siera tuscon, hohn hopkins miami jewish health this all are for pain ppeole not drug addicts, while i explain this for the 300th time why dont you ask sherly jones who screwed it all up and that case management cohello anyone calling so i can blab for 302 times to see if i can get helpFRI 16:33Hi Paul. Your case has been escalated to upper management. You should be receiving an answer from them by Tuesday. We have our very best working on your case. – Cortneyon Wed, May 1, 2019 at 10:00 AM paul goeltz <[email protected]> wrote:Attn: Carmen G.”/  Cortney W.So the grievance is all wrong, those are not my words. the program if opened1 per doc kemple i need a medical detox 4 or higher and inpatient pain rehab or best might end up back on a pump, reeading mjh, not sure they do detox and what levels?there is many pain clinics that are hooked to hospital, for ppl like me with medical conditions.the couple i gave was my research.i also want to complain about the company you hired to do case management, they did nothing and left this in a mess.that said i need case management or help with this.  are you saying in one week if  the codes are not right i will be in the first week of a 5-8 week in patient stay, as the detox is part one learning to try to live with out pain meds are reducing them takes learning, so i might as well shoot myself now, it took a year of begging to get this and now it being forced down my throat, i have talked to no one about any of these places!! Sheryl and that company was to help me decide and make a wise choice but what happened?  so ur saying the hell with Paul  after one week, it gives the hospital no faith in blue shield and they probably will not give me the care i need seeing BS want to still play games.Another part is why no case manager/ i don’t know how when I’m out of it both detoxing and with out pain meds, you can get me out and who will fight for me,  you tell ppl don’t should NOT! make decision when on opiates, well over 20 yrs so your asking me to make a life decision even though it bad a dangerous//??  why is this all messed up you ask us to make the bad decision even though you know your to help??if this is what there is, your blue shield doctors don’t talk, how do you sign them up, this is real said, messing with ppl life’s here, no case, you figure it out goeltz, i have been but now its all wrong, well the best is after a week when they boot me, i;ll go er to er.  so what about the case manager telling me to go to drug and booze detox, for 2 months she had me calling those places and listing to there lies you’ll be fine with the serenity bed etc, and Sheryl just said yes to everything, like she had to help another person with one place, does it not take 3-5 place to make an informed decision??  i wanted kemples medical necessity letter and records sent to 5 to make the right choice for me and bs so you get value.  you should be a part that what Sheryl was do do not just chicken out.miamijewishhealth.org/healthcare-services-programs/rosomoff-center/  maybe not best fit, but maybe lowball for you and no one has even compared them, does BS not want whats best??https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/psychiatry/specialty_areas/pain/patient_information/inpatient.htmlhttps://www.sierratucson.com/programs/pain-management-recovery/https://lasvegasrecovery.com/pain/so it appears all the help for a week in a long program, is just insane? is the bottom line the only thing BS of ca cares about.DO I JUST NEED DETOX?It’s important to know that detox alone will not solve a drug use problem. Some individuals find that once they have successfully completed detox, they still need to enroll in a program to help them rebuild their life after prescription pain killers. Freedom Model Retreats offers a Cognitive Behavioral Learning program that uses self assessment and self change to teach guest to reevaluate their choices and decisions and to make choices that are more productive. Guests learn the importance of forming habits and behaviors that are positive and more purposeful and they realize that they have the power to take back control of their life and to have a life that is permanently free from substance use. see most detox is for abuser, they get to learn to cope and so do i it takes tiome 5-8 weeks to tryiong out different meds, drips, etc, we dont get this right i will be back, i will take this to the highest court.  the boozes and dopers dont have any issues but paul goeltz who omnly takes what is giving noting lost stolen etc, i been told your not hooked so no detox and you can go to any detox and blue shiled will get with the place to decide?? ok what is the plan after detox? is there detox what level, can i pay for higher like 5/anyway please dont leave me after one week if you want me to go to miami jewish is a program, they are layughing at BS all ready, your showing your card, they know you dont want to pay.  i can say if i dont get into a good programthis just seems like here toss paul a bone and we dont even know if this is right placepgso i spoke with a couple doctors< they all came to the same conclusion, BS could care less, and this will make a great best seller, why paul died while trying to get help/   kemple told me he spoke with higher ups there, and going into a program that is 5-8 weeks with just a week approved is a death sentence!  people detoxing from drugs or booze don’t have to deal with this?It sounds like MJH does not understand the codes and billing, which would mean me suffering, and having to appeal a program??  Not even sure if MJH does detox, i was told they do from that case management company you hired and relieved??    Did we get all of there case notes??What happened to https://lasvegasrecovery.com/pain/ orsierratucson.com/programs/pain-management-recovery/https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/psychiatry/specialty_areas/pain/patient_information/inpatient.htmlmiamijewishhealth.org/healthcare-services-programs/rosomoff-center/http://med.stanford.edu/pain.html how can BS pay for drinkers at these places but not a rehab pain patient??also why cant that company that you hired to do case management help? yes they got tossed off, but that is there job i have the sheet in front of me, it does no say i can have case manger if just using medical or mental, as i had them with just medical, so i demand there help. and a nurse that will help me make informed thoughts ideas etc, this also is in the job description.  there number is 1 866 567 6195, i called them again week ago asking for help and was told they will be in touch this seems to be very common at BS, were laddies say oh we will call back or i will file a grievance and have not … i called 3 times about grievance and the last one went but not my words, 2 ladies did nothing, same with that company, they claim an inability to help.yes @blueshieldca is paying the ceo over 42 million, meanwhile my pain doctor is trying to get spinal rehab 5-8 weeks inpatient, yes it will cost, but no BS wants to pay there #nonprofits brass billions, and us the workers we get #Death sort of like living in #gaza @scvwdANONdaisypgöeltz added,Sauk River Review@OldSaukRiverReplying to @OldSaukRiver @pgoeltz and 10 othersHow can Uaccept it’s ok4 some 2die while others can live? This is the kind of choice Nazis offered -what our pol system in DC -overrun by insur & pharma interests turns them in2 w/this fully unacceptable form of bargaining.…WERLL HOPE YOU CAN SEE THE ISSUEShare this:

[seeselfblack]

The Quilt of Romare Bearden’s Life

For 30 years, the artist worked for the New York City Department of Welfare, a day job that was much more than a necessary evil... 

...It’s a time-honored tradition for artists to have a day job to make ends meet: Wallace Stevens was an insurance executive; Philip Glass a plumber; Richard Serra, perhaps predictably, worked in a steel mill. But it’s generally understood that the day job is a necessary evil, providing the rent money that makes the art possible. For Bearden and many other artists, writers, musicians, and intellectuals, though, a day job in the Department of Welfare (renamed the Department of Social Services in 1967) was a formative part of their art and commitment to social justice. Especially during the ’60s, a circuit of artists-cum-social-workers in New York City formed across the disciplines: Writers Alice Walker and Audre Lorde, painter Danny Simmons, and playwright Loften Mitchell are just a handful. Yet none stayed as long as Bearden.

Lloyd Addison, a fellow caseworker with the department, coined the name “the Umbra Workshop,” a precursor to the Black Arts Movement. Other co-founders of Umbra who worked for the department included poet Tom Dent and novelist and sociologist Calvin Hernton, best known for the 1965 study Sex and Racism in America. 

Novelist, playwright, poet, and professor Rashidah Ismaili, who attended many of the Umbra meetings, recalls the intellectual ferment and burgeoning social consciousness of the Lower East Side during that period of unrest in the 1960s. “We all found a way to survive,” she says. As for working for the Welfare Department, she recalls that “it was the easiest way to get a job, because they only required a bachelor’s degree. You could be a music major.”

“I think everybody saw themselves as being political and progressive and involved,” Ismaili adds. “It was extremely vital and important to the African-American artistic community, because there were so few places where the kind of life that they needed to live in pursuit of their work was available to them.”

Many African-American novelists who worked for the department became forerunners of intersectional feminism and womanism, positioning their work as a tacit response to the demeaning rhetoric that would culminate in the controversial Moynihan Report, published in 1965. Lorde, the self-identified “Black Lesbian Feminist Warrior Poet Mother” and author of Zami: A New Spelling of My Name, worked as a social investigator for the Bureau of Child Welfare from 1959 to 1960. When Lorde was growing up, her mother worried that “daughters who want to write don’t get civil service jobs,” Lorde recalled in a 1976 interview with Deborah Wood. “In those days, if you got a good job with the city then you were set.” 

“Bearden’s many years working in social services positioned him for a close-up view of the life of people,” says Diedra Harris-Kelley, co-director of the Romare Bearden Foundation. “He likely saw the persistence of family rituals and human bonds across cultures, and this bolstered the universal concepts he often spoke to so well. He was a keen observer, and like a good storyteller, took it all in, then riffed from his memories.” According to Robert G. O’Meally, the editor of the forthcoming The Romare Bearden Reader, “The figure of the artist as active in the world and trying to make sure people get fed and sheltered and justice is quite true to his vision of what the artist has to be doing.” 

This collection of artists working as civil servants was not without precedent. Starting in 1935, the $4.9 billion New Deal–era Works Progress Administration employed millions of people, and many artists found work through the various subagencies, including the Federal Writers’ Project, the Federal Music Project, and the Federal Art Project. One of the largest public-works and infrastructure initiatives in the nation’s history, the WPA employed many of Bearden’s peers, including his cousin and 306 group co-founder Charles “Spinky” Alston; painters Aaron Douglas and Jacob Lawrence; and writers Zora Neale Hurston, Richard Wright, Ralph Ellison, and Nelson Algren. Bearden likely would have participated in the WPA, but his family’s household income was above the prescribed limit. In 1943, the WPA was dissolved, and in its absence, in New York at least, civil-service jobs, particularly in the Department of Welfare, became the best recourse for many fledgling artists trying to cobble together an income.

According to the municipal archives, Bearden began as a social investigator on July 29, 1935, just after he graduated from New York University with a BS in education. He initially worked at 100 West 116th Street and earned $1,680 a year—equivalent to $30,852 in 2018. Later, he was transferred to an office on 139th Street, and eventually to the Non-Residence Welfare Center at 119 West 31st Street. Toward the end of his career, he was earning $8,200 ($60,000)—around what is now the low-end price for some Bearden collages. His tenure with the department constitutes a kind of shadow to Bearden’s artistic career, trailing along his picaresque journey from social realism to abstract expressionism and finally to collage: his studies with George Grosz at the Art Students League; his military service as a sergeant in the all-black 372nd Infantry; his early-’50s sabbatical from painting during a foray into songwriting, resulting in the Billy Eckstine hit “Seabreeze”; his return to the Department of Welfare in 1952, when he was assigned to the Romany caseload; the formation of the Spiral group, a civil-rights-minded collective of African-American artists that included Alston, Norman Lewis, and Hale Woodruff; and, ultimately, his international success...   read full article over at the nation.com

See also: 

- Post Colonial Thoughts: Romare Bearden and Kitsch

- The Romare Bearden Foundation 

- Romare Bearden, Spiral Group and the March Toward Artistic Identity — WHO IS THE NEGRO ARTIST and what is his responsibility? Ever mindful of the pivotal period in which he was living, Romare Bearden (1911-1988) set about answering these cultural questions by bringing together the Spiral group and embarking on a monumental effort to document the canon of African American artists.As civil rights leaders prepared for the 1963 March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, Bearden gathered with fellow black artists in New York to discuss their role in the movement. Hale Woodruff, Charles Alston, Norman Lewis, James Yeargans, Felrath Hines, Richard Mayhew and William Pritchard were all in attendance at the July 5 meeting at Bearden’s studio. 

The collective formed the Spiral group, “for the purpose of discussing the commitment of the Negro artist in the present struggle for civil liberties, and as a discussion group to consider common aesthetic problems,” according to “A History of African-American Artists: From 1792 to the Present,” a comprehensive reference volume by Bearden and Harry Henderson (1914-2003)...

[kmp78]

Kudos

Hi K, I’m glad you enjoyed the trip and the M&G and after all, thanks to the IG Live which I enjoyed as well ;) (THANKS for the fun!) also the show. Contrary to some of the opinions here, you can be a fan and still not agree with some things your fave band does, you don’t have to love all their songs, you don’t have to come in and face your idol (haha..;)) and be afraid to ask anything that Mr Perfect won’t approve of. That’s not even true in real life! Even Jerd himself said many times that he welcomes constructive criticism, so he has to know this album was half-assed and his passion for this band is also not what it used to be.

I, as a long-time fan, am happy that finally someone stood up and asked the questions we all wanted answers to, even if we haven’t gotten any answer after all->

**

Me: “So we´re never gonna get any explanation?”

Reni: “It´s a personal matter… And until he doesn´t decide… It´s not in our…”

This is self-explanatory and beyond. Although I don’t believe J or the band are in a place where they wouldn’t be able to tell us, let’s say, “Mars and T parted ways because of our creative differences” or something equally neutral, this happens all the time with other bands! - they just won’t say anything because any explanation would mean that T left on his own simply because he didn’t want to be part of this Murica shindig anymore, and that would be equal to admitting J did something wrong (aka not purrfect). Hence, a quiet, no. 

**

Then they plugged Camp Mars (a few people had no idea what Camp Mars even is…) and lured us to buy with big promises of hangings with the band during the most magical weekend of the year.

“The band is also there all day.”

Duuuude! Telling a straight up lie in my customers’ faces, I would die of embarassment. 

**

(I voted Tabasco. 🤗)

What song is that? :O ^^

**

His reaction both in words and in vibe (and the reaction from the room aka loud gasps, few hisses and cheers after he “lashed out” at me) was worth all the money I paid for that M&G, I don’t even mind telling you!

I can’t even begin to understand why the other M&G goers were hissing at you and cheering that he was mad! But yeah… this is Echelon. As an artist, as he likes to call himself, he should be prepared (and in his interviews he says he knows he won’t make everyone happy!) for criticism and he should be able to react to it. Or just freaking act like you know how to react to it, you got yourself an AA award after all. AA I mean Academy award, not A.Arquette btw… ^^

“It´s not a rock album.” 

Followed by a LOOOOONG silence. 

A silence which was only interrupted by SL going “Well, there you go!” in a triumphant manner. Echies of course applauded, and then suddenly JL picked up again:

“Don´t be fooled, we knew EXACTLY what we were doing. But let me just tell you something: we have NEVER gotten good reviews. Even when we made rock albums. So… Nothing really changes…”

Looord this is beyond hilarious. They got fairly good reviews on both ABL and TIW and imo, self-titled was still their best. I don’t remember reading such a scalding bad review of their previous records as some of those I read about Murica! Okay, maybe LLFD wasn’t a masterpiece either, and frankly I barely listen to any song from that one, but those reviews for Murica were outstanding!

**

JL said that “sometimes I´m not inspired” (REALLY? Never would have guessed…) and that “at that point you just have to rely on muscle memory and to just put one foot in front of the other and keep marching forward… Someone asks a question you don´t like (WHO?! WHO ASKED A QUESTION YOU DID NOT LIKE?! 🙊), you deal with it… You have to do some part of your job that´s tedious (like… the actual working part?), you push past it… I think a lot of times it´s just showing up… You can surprise yourself. You start a conversation, you start a concert, and before you know it you´re lost in the concert and you´re enjoying your time.”

Ugh. The vibe I get from this paragraph is that

- his creative spirit has gone dry but gotta make some dough bro (for bro)

- he’s snarky as hell

- people who don’t praise the ground he walks on make him uncomfortable

- being part of the band and travelling and dealing with fans annoys him

- concerns no longer make him feel happy/good/fulfilled as he always said they did

GRIM.

**

Seriously it was RIDICULOUS! Felt even faster and more North Korean than in Getafe! We all legit had no more than 2 seconds to pose and then we were pushed out! 😑

Total bs. No other way to put it. Treated like actual cattle

Isn’t meet and greet about being able to talk to the band like with regular folks? Since when this has become a lecture with given set of questions and seats assigned? Meh…

**

Also..

there were near-catastrophic incidents in Prague some days ago, some girls ran like cray and tripped and fell and created a domino effect and it was a mess…

JAAYYYSSUUUUSSS… :D :D

**

Thanks K! :*

***

your-little-scarlet-starlet - Thanks!  😘

Good observations! Agreed!

And yeah as far as an actual MEET and greet goes... Well, there is no meeting of any kind for 80% of the people present. Only those handful lucky ones who manage to get their question asked can actually say they kinda “met” the band. Everyone else pretty much just watched a theater performance in silence and ran through a photo session.

There is no way on earth to justify the price tag they have set for this event with what they offer back. 

(Tabasco is Dangerous Night! You know... “Man on fire...”  😉)

(Disclaimer and rules)

[smug-quaker-shite]

Omfg so I need to ask you this. Like I sent this ask to 2 other blogs but they never responded and I need to fangirl over this idea with someone. Like, what do you think a modern au Robert Townsend would be like as a high school teacher? Like what subject would he teach? How strict would he be? How would he deal with hordes of badly behaved hormonal 15 yr olds? What's your take on this? Like, I have a need. A fangirl need.

holy SNOW thank you for sending me this okay I’m- lemme Breathe for a second okay, okay this is *deep breaths* I’M LIVINGYour Questions on this subject are so important here we go1. What Subject Would He Teach? - Philosophy ! He doesn’t actually remember making a conscious decision to become a teacher? He just kind of found himself on that path and went with it. He also leads the Chess Club!

2. How Strict is He? - He’s strict, but not in a ‘mean’ way. If a student has a legitimate problem or need, he’ll work with them. They’re all expected to meet him halfway, though. Everyone who’s new to his class thinks that he’s going to be the worst, most boring teacher ever because of his dry tone and, ugh, he’s this uptight Quaker, he’s got to be a complete snooze right? W r o n g. It’s true Townsend doesn’t hold with nonsense, and he is a reserved individual, but his classes are also very interactive and full of illustrations and engaging assignments. He’s bound and determined his students are going to actually learn rather than just pass their tests.

3. How does he deal with hordes of badly behaved hormonal 15 yr olds? - He’s aware that children this age can smell fear so despite instances of really, really wanting to go home and tend to his garden and pet his cat, he Fakes it like an absolute boss and never once lets these kids see when they manage to get him ruffled. On that note, he does have a Zero BS Tolerance Policy where if a student is clearly pushing his buttons just to be doing it, he...well, Bluffs, really. Puts up a somewhat terrifying steely facade. Everyone’s pretty sure he’s bluffing but nobody wants to test the theory.

4. My Take on This? - Rob is never seen without a coffee cup in hand. It always seems to be full despite the fact that he drinks from it frequently. Every year, without fail, several students wind up giving him new coffee mugs for his birthday and/or at Christmas. Some of them are fully aware that, as a Quaker, he doesn’t actually observe holidays, and they give him a coffee mug anyway because he doesn’t mind. Despite the modern era, he dresses similarly to the way he does in TURN; dark colors, a vintage vibe. He’s been called a hipster more than once. He’s pretty much the school bartender in that, regardless of how reserved he is, most of his students feel safe Talking To Him about things. Making him laugh is a school meme. He’s aware that some students call him Grumpy Cat and fully accepts it. He leads the school’s chess team! Rivington teaches Theatre and it seems to be his mission in life to terrorize Townsend at every opportunity in a sinisterly good-natured manner. John Andre (English Lit) is kind of a pal. Neither of them actively considers the other a ‘friend’ exactly, but they always wind up on Break together for deep chats and somehow even tho Townsend’s the most single person in existence John winds up talking Relationships at him. He’s one of very few teachers who’s managed to steadfastly get out of participation in the annual Staff Dodgeball Competition.

#I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS #SO MANY DUDE THANK YOU #Anonymous

[yaboylevi]

thanks so much for the ask! it might take me a bit to answer but aha I appreciate it. now for you: snk, mikasasha, ereri (bc I love hearing your views on ereri haha), and eren! have fun!

Thank you

001 | Fandom - SNK:

Favorite character: apparently my boys Eren&Levi

Least Favorite character: HISTORIA’S PARENTS

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): ereri, yumihisu, mikasasha, jeankasa and mobuhan!

Character I find most attractive: this is so difficult!!! maybe Eren. and Historia. Character I would marry: Levi because we’re both quiet and love tea and we wouldn’t bother each other lmao and imo he would cherish his significant other so

Character I would be best friends with: YMIR&HANGE

A random thought: why are the girls in shingeki so prettyyyy i love them, also Uprising arc is best arc

An unpopular opinion: Levi doesn’t have OCD

My canon OTP: yumihisu ahah….ah…

Non-canon OTP: ereri

Most badass character: okay ngl Levi is the best

Pairing I am not a fan of: er/em/ika

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): nobody

Favourite friendship: LEVI AND HANGE also Jean and Eren!!

Character I want to adopt or be adopted by: i want to adopt all of them!!

002 - A | ship - mikasasha:

When I started shipping it: recently. and by recently i mean, like, maybe last year around spring? 

My thoughts: i stumbled upon a fic that had them as a side couple and! i fell in love so hard! Then i started actually paying attention to them in canon and wow!! They’re the cutest beans

What makes me happy about them: the fact that Sasha would be so good to Mikasa! She makes her laugh (okay, internally, but i bet she could easily make her snort). Mikasa jokes only around her in canon (the fart incident, the bread both in chuugakko and shingeki), so she’s pretty comfortable around Sasha and i think that’s good for her. It takes the best out of her, maybe even her true self. She can take off her mind from gloomy topics and she can drop her steely mask. Also, i keep saying this but, Mikasa was the only one to notice when Sasha wasn’t feeling too well at one point in the manga. And Mikasa never really pays too much attention to anyone other than Eren and Armin, so i think this speaks volumes about how much she cares about Sasha/enjoy Sasha’s lively mood! 

What makes me sad about them: that they’re so underrated! like people prefer mika/ani and I’m here like WHAT? have you seen how cute they are Sasha and Mikasa together?

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: nothing, every mikasasha fic is good

Things I look for in fanfic: domestic&affectionate mikasasha maybe? as I already said, every mikasasha fic is a blessing

My kinks: Sasha likes to hug Mikasa and squish her boo/bs (is this even a kink?)

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Mikasa with Jean, he would treat her so good and treasure her like she deserves ohhghfk Sasha idk I’ve never really thought about it

My happily ever after for them: hunters!mikasasha!!!!!! They hunt together for elderly people who have always lived in villages and don’t know how to hunt. also they have a farm and they adopt a couple of children don’t @ me on this!

002 - B | ship - ereri: (oh god this is gonna be long)

When I started shipping it: I liked them back when i started reading the manga/watching the anime, so 2013? It was a quiet thing though. They became my favourites only in 2015, i can’t believe it’s already been two years!

My thoughts: i love them oh god i wish i could stop because it’s not looking good for them in the manga (i mean, they’re probably gonna die and it’s gonna hurt so bad because I’m too invested in snk and them as a couple OH MY G). i actually love their relationship in canon, it really warms my heart because they share really meaningful, important moments, in particular for Eren’s character development and growth as a person.

What makes me happy about them: i love that Levi has a deep understanding of Eren. He always watch out for him, and it’s obviously not only because he was ordered to keep him under control by the MPs. Also, in the end we know that his duty is to keep Eren safe and he really is trying hard on that. 

And i love how Eren’s feelings have shifted from blind hero-worship to something more meaningful. Because now he actually knows Levi and it’s amazing how easily he came to accept Levi’s shortcomings and they’re now comfortable around each other. And he still respects him a great deal, which we saw wasn’t always the case in many instances (the new squad Levi didn’t care about Levi’s cleaning standards, they also initially didn’t trust him too much and thought he was too harsh and openly criticised him. Also other people mocked Levi for his height or called him mad etc. That’s why i think Levi&Eren could really work well together, because they understand each other so well. it’s not really an overly apparent thing, i don’t know how to say it, they just get the other’s feelings/idiosyncrasies without speaking about it. And they actually accept them wholeheartedly. So yeah, together they could relieve the grief they’re both consumed by). When Eren is lost, he always thinks about Levi and what he taught him. I also love that they generally care about each other in a really subtle way; Levi always checks up on Eren and tries to comfort him with words, even if he’s not that good at expressing his own feelings/comforting people

Eren also thinks about his captain’s safety in more than one occasion. i love to think that, if they ever got in a relationship, they would support each other, especially since I think both of them are kind of selfless (in different ways but) and they just don’t seem to care about themselves. So together they would take care of each other. I don’t know if all this makes sense but, yeah, I’m just so overwhelmed by my own feelings right now.

What makes me sad about them: Eren’s going to die. what the hell, I’m still so upset. And there’s also the chance that Levis gonna die, too. Or he’s gonna be one of the only survivors from the SC and i can’t deal with the idea of Levi being left behind. Levi has always looked so sad, kinda melancholic to me and he’s close to depression, imo. I would like him to find some kind of solace but i don’t see it happening and it saddens me. The fact that he’s going to watch Eren, a person he learned to respect and care about, die is just so. cruel. idk, I’m sad now.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: “UKE LEVI or UKE EREN” what the fuck it’s not 2011 anymore. “Brat”. Levi treating Eren like shit but Eren loves him anyway (what the hell…)

Things I look for in fanfic: mutual respect and trust. caring!Levi. extra pining on both ends ahah and awkward!Levi. bonus if it’s a reincarnation au! Or canonverse.

My kinks: ok this might sound weird but since that one time Eren bled form his nose…i think i like things related to blood with them. but maybe i just love when Levi takes care of Eren? i don’t know.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Eren with nobody idk he never really showed interest in anyone else in my opinion, Levi would be cute with Hanji maybe? because they work so well as a duo. Levi would be exasperated to no end ahah it would be fun

My happily ever after for them: more like “saddily ever after”? I think they would chose to live together away from everyone (gladly accepting visits from Mikasa&co), on the outskirt of Paradis Island by the ocean or the countryside, waiting for Eren to…die. They would spend their days quietly, murmuring sweet nothings while reading on the sofa, Eren would swim a lot and Levi would scowl at all the sand but he would secretly love the taste of salt on Eren’s skin; they would give each others massages to relieve the ache in their bones and drink tea every night by the fireplace. they also would cuddle A Lot because Levi is a fucking cuddler and you can’t convince me otherwise. I would really like for them to have a happy ending and I do hope a cure to the titan curse can be found in canon but it’s pretty unlikely to me, unfortunately.

003 | Character: Eren

How I feel about this character: he is my son and i will protect him and love him forever

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Levi. and Historia, yeah

My non-romantic OTP for this character: erejean!!! best duo!

My unpopular opinion about this character: apparently a lot of people think he will look like Grisha after the time skip, but I’m positive that if he still has long hair he’s gonna look like Carla and I’m so glad because Carla is beautiful!! also i don’t think Eren has romantic feelings for Mikasa. And his rage is not a thing to laugh about. He had a pretty fucked up life till now and i know how hard it is to live with so much anger and grief, especially when you don’t know how to get rid of them.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i wish he could live till 80 yo ahah I’m sAD

My het ship: erehisu

My fem/slash ship: uuhhhh? fem!Levi/fem!Eren (there’s a lovely fic on ao3 with them!!)

My OTP: ereri

My OT3: ererijean!

My cross over ship: /

My kink: Eren loving himself

A headcanon: Eren is actually pretty good at cooking and has dimples when he laughs

My gender bend: Ererin? I don’t know if this can be considered as such tho, i headcanon Ererin as genderfl/uid so

#thank you so much for the ask emi I had fun and I got pretty emotional <3 #snk #ereri #mikasasha #ereri meta #ask game #vivitalks

[feurouge13]

My Story

I’ve been subscribing to a surface level, superficial story about myself and my identity. I’ve been playing the victim; I’ve been vilifying people in my life because I have been too blind to take accountability for myself. I have been subscribing to this belief that I am not worthy of unconditional love from people who truly want what is best for me; I have been settling for crumbs that emotionally unavailable people have to offer me because if these emotionally aloof can change their tune for me, then I MUST be special. If they can love me than I can finally get over all of the rejection that I’ve felt from my mother and lack of unconditional love that I felt from her my whole entire life. That set the stage for my feelings of inadequacy. That set the stage for me becoming a people pleasing robot that people literally do not know the real version of who I am. Oh saying that I like x, saying that I want to do x is really not true. The only reason that I have said these things is to pacify you and especially myself. I feel like if I can make everyone happy and meet their needs over mine (which I view as so much more important than my own needs/standards) than I can feel complete. Because it terrifies me to go after what I truly want. Like, I want to be vulnerable and literally ride a fucking scooter all over town. I want to be vulnerable and actually become an ATP or go to ATIA and feel inadequate compared to the other attendees. I am so afraid to let people see me fail/be inadequate/unworthy that I project this version of myself who is not the true me at all. I am over it, I am done with it, and I am moving on. I want to be vulnerable, I want to go for what I actually want in life rather than sit by and let Ashley take the reins because it is so much easier to satisfy her rather than myself. I am ready to rule over my life, go to California Family Fitness, cancel my other gym membership, stand up for my treatment recommendations at IEP meetings, go to bat with JD/Kathleen that I actually know what the bleep I am talking about. Get a freaking TV stand, set up Christmas lights, etc. These things that I want are NOT HURTING ANYBODY IN THE SLIGHTEST STRECH OF THE IMAGINATION. IT’S JUST ABOUT ME FOR ONCE AND GOD FORBID IF I FINALLY LET MYSELF LIVE A TRULY AUTHENTIC LIFE. I AM SO AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE. I AM DONE. IT’S TIME TO LITERALLY RIP MYSELF WIDE OPEN AND FINALLY BE ME. MAURA E. G. 

The reason that I wanted to write this post was to actually describe being sexually assaulted. I was so triggered this past Monday that I was actually (seriously) devising ways to kill myself. I was at such a low point that I haven’t really felt. Flash forward to Wednesday with my new PCP and I had told him that I had diagnoses of anxiety/PTSD. Of course, he asked why, and I had to go through the mental health intake questions. So, I actually told him ‘I was sexually assaulted’ even though my heart rate probably reached 150, even though my face was so flushed red, even though I was so ashamed to admit it to someone out loud. He was very nice about it and asked if I was living as a version of myself that I liked? I about cried; I am crying thinking about that question. Because, honestly, no. I am not but it doesn’t have to do with the incident at all. I mean, at times, it can totally take me down and ruin my day but that’s beside the point. I am not living as a version of myself that I like due to aforementioned reasons. That I am a pathological people pleasing robot who is scared to be open, vulnerable with the world and has such a negative, self-sabotaging view of herself. Being sexually assaulted allows me to really feed into these feelings of worthlessness, though. Feeling that I am unloveable because I was tainted by being sexually assaulted by someone else. I am ready to start healing, I am ready to start being me. I am ready to start enjoying my life and believing that life is rigged in my favor. 

I believe it was June, 2015. Don’t remember the exact date because that is something I couldn’t being myself to do. I was going over to the guy I had been datings’ apartment because he had cooked me a meal. I, of course, had to pick up Yuengling as my contributing. And also, I needed to drink a lot in order to dump him because I had decided to actually date the other guy I was being ‘casual with.’ (This is why I don’t believe in casual relationships because they are a total crock of shit and no one’s emotions should be fucked around like that). Anyways, I think I had about five beers (which is a lot for someone who weighs 100 lbs and does not have an alcohol tolerance). I was not doing a good job at dumping him because we eventually started to have sex. I didn’t want to have sex though (I feel so far removed writing this out and am actually starting to convince myself that this is my fault). All I had wanted to do was make out like we had been doing previously, not sex.  Scratch that- I didn’t want anything to do with him physically I was just going along with these actions because they  had become a habit, a routine, a rhythm of what we did together. I also didn’t want to hurt his feelings, instill my boundaries and deal with the consequences of my actions. He genuinely did seem like a nice guy without any complications, genuinely into me, but just casually someone who rapes people, whether he intended to or not. He is happily married now, which I honestly feel removed and numb writing that. Back to us having sex. I was not about it, saying ‘no’ probably around 100 times. He was fucking me from behind, a fan favorite of what guys like to do to me. So, I’m sure it made it easier for him that he didn’t have to see my face, actually could read my lips. I don’t remember the rest. I don’t remember him finishing. I don’t even remember the feeling of him being inside of me. I just know that after that, I drove my drunk self home. I remember how I called him the next day and hold him “I’m too busy with school to date you.” I remember calling Maddie who told me that “I’m sure you weren't raped; everyone has felt like they had a questionable sexual encounter before.” I remember not telling Ashley after that because I was attempting to convince myself that I was crazy, that it was my fault. I remember diving right into a sexual relationship with Fred even though I had told him I was sexually assaulted. I told him one night while I was sleeping over his house; around 4 AM, I felt him trying to stick his dick in me (of course, from behind). I woke up, turned around, gave him a look, and fell back to sleep. I wish that I could have saved that version of myself from the lack of respect, decency and all of the extra BS that started after I began a relationship with him. I wish so badly that I could have rescued myself from that. That I had been strong enough to be alone, to actually focus on my school work and address being raped. I did what I felt like I had to do to get my degree. I went from breaking up with the biggest asshole and finally feeling free, to being raped, to entering an emotionally and at times, physically abusive controlling relationship. This is why I am just re-entering the dating pool after a 3.5 year hiatus. This is why I still have extreme feelings of inadequacy and validation seeking behaviors even though I am a 27 year old woman who has a Masters Degree, has no student debt, is beginning to invest, etc. I am still the version of myself who isn’t strong enough or vulnerable enough to be on my own, to function fully as myself. I am done with people being assholes to me and me just lying down on my back and taking it. I am sick of allowing myself to be fucked around by these clown boy men. I am sick of allowing myself to not go after what I want in life because I am scared of being vulnerable and being rejected. I am done with not meeting my needs because I view myself as not worthy. I am seriously fucking done. I have never been so frustrated and fed up with someone as I am with myself. I have so much power and control over my life, who I let into my life, how I react/act towards them, what I am capable of, etc. It isn’t hurting anyone to actually meet my needs myself. If anything, it is making my relationships stronger with the people who unconditionally love me. I am over it all. I am taking back my life and the power.