#but I still felt very close to him

[thestarsarecool]

“I suppose the story was that [John and I] were pretty close in the beginning when we were writing stuff together. We felt alot of sympathy for each other, although on a personal level, based on a lot of stuff that went down later, I obviously wasn’t that close to him. To me, he was a fella, and you don’t get that close to fellas. I felt very close to him, but from alot of what he said later, obviously, I was missing in the picture. But anyway, I felt very close to him then and when the Beatles started to feel the strain towards the last couple of years, it was getting to be a bit of a strain and we were drifting more apart. I think the kind of anchor that had held us together was still there.”

— Paul McCartney, Music Express, 1982

#my quotes #what a fucking MESS #he literally goes #yes we were close #but I guess based on the beatles breakup we weren’t actually close #well that’s just normal cause we’re fellas #but I actually did feel really close to him #but I guess it was all a lie based on what he said later #but I still felt very close to him #but we broke up #but we were still together #like holy FUCK the back and forth and internal contradiction here is INSANE #it’s almost as bad as that April 1970 rolling stone interview #where he literally says that he and john used to call each other and they never called each other in the same breath #anyways though #sometimes I actually doubt paul and john were that close and I think that paul has just been convincing himself otherwise since 1989ish #but quotes like this actually convince me otherwise #where paul 100% believed they were close but the breakup shattered this belief #and since he never understood why john left #he feels he has to retroactively conclude they weren’t close #but that’s a retroactive assessment #ANYWAY #the best paul interviews are from 1970-1971/1981-1984/1998-2001 #cause for some reason when something traumatic happens something switches in his brain and he forgets how to lie #this may be my favorite paul interview btw #paul mccartney #john lennon #the beatles #beatles

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Dutch Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso(ft. Max Verstappen & Pierre Gasly)

#GUYS I AM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY TODAY AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH #LETS GOOOOOO BACK ON THE PODIUM!!!!!!!!! #ive done enough live blogging that sums up my feelings hahaha so i should refrain here #i think that was def my fav race of the season(other than bahrain prob hehehe) #but god what a fantastic race!! yes i cried a bit #like everyone was overtaking and there was such good racing up and down the field and it felt so close #thank you to the rain!!!!! #i need a nando overtak count bcs my god he was actually insane this race #like that first lap double overtake?????? okay????? go off king!!!!!!! #but aaaahhhhh everyone was so happy for himmmmmmmm #like hugging him and chanting his name and cheering!! AS HE DESERVESSSSSSSS #the green background of the podium...it was foreshadowing #im still on my caffiene high from rb so im so sorry to all my mutuals for all the caps and screaming and tambling BUT IT IS A GREAT DAY #i kinda wanna clip some parts of his interview cause he was very cute and happy and silly today hehehe #fernando alonso #f1 #formula one #formula 1 #fa14 #max verstappen #aston martin #pierre gasly #2023 dutch gp #2023 dutch grand prix #we do a little bit of f1

[lokh]

oughh i wanted to do a cute laishuro take on the blu ray extras (what if laios had been eaten instead) but lets be honest. they absolutely would not have made it as far without laios

#they wouldve died. badly. #unfortunately ive lost the link saw it on twitter but i think laios gets knocked unconscious and imagines that it had been him that got ate #and not falin. and falin is the only one to advocate for them going back #but no one wants to go along with her presumably because they dont care for laios that much #(or at least this is laios' perception as this is just his imagination) #but also because she doesnt know as much about monsters and couldnt come up with a good argument for going back in #<- didnt know about prolonged digestion in red dragons and marcille assumed the interval was the same as in humans (1-3 days) #BUT...................... when everyone leaves falin turns back and goes in herself. and laios realises that shes always been that sort #of person and theres no point in ruminating over what could have been. #now. i want to believe that had they known falin would turn back without them. that at the very least shuro would have gone in with her. #theres no way he would have let her go on her own. and frankly i dont think he would have assembled his retainers #to go save laios rip... #marcille would have gone if she had known falin would turn back. and honestly i think she mightve known her well enough to guess this irl #anyways what i was GOING to say was maybe as they venture thru the dungeon shuro gets to learn more about laios thru falins view #maybe they get to know each other more and he opens up more about how he thinks of laios and like. falin is able to explain more about him #diffuse tension and give him a better understanding. like yeah hes still annoyed at him but he has a better view of how laios is #they get close and become better friends but maybe it also helps falin make up her mind and let him down gently............................ #and maybe they go and save laios but the dragon thing still happens to him #and its again a 'you felt like that all along??' situation irt him wanting to be a monster but it turns out ok and they (laishuro) #open up to one another in the end......................... #but. again im gonna be real. they would not have made it that far LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO laios the goat for real

[forestgreenlesbian]

.

#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad #we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic #was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though #it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything #also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't #tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer #both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first #time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been #making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said #i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly #implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me #bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication #we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked #& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol #which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't #even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around #a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins #literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww #am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely #concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know

[tennessoui]

au where everything is sorta the same in the phantom menace, but it's role reversal, so it's stewjon and not tatooine that they crash on, and it's baby obi-wan that padawan skywalker and his master qui-gon jinn find.

baby obi-wan isn't the chosen one or anything, but he's this pure beacon of Light in the Force, old and untrained as he is, and that's attracted a ton of different Force sensitives to the area---both Light and Dark. qui-gon tells baby obi-wan that he'll take him to the Temple for training if he wants, and obi-wan agrees only for qui-gon to be killed by a sith there who has also been drawn to obi-wan's Light.

that's not important though because anakin absolutely hacks the sith to pieces for killing his master (and baby obi-wan, who is kneeling by qui-gon's body and holding his big hand in his baby ones, is terrified that he'll be next when anakin turns around, covered in blood) and qui-gon tells obi-wan to make sure anakin trains him and anakin, sorta mad with grief and loss, is like 'fuck that,' but he does take him back to the temple, gives him to the council and then fucks off on a deep cover mission for like ten years so he doesn't have to even think about the brat who caused the death of his father-master.

meanwhile though, obi-wan's new master thinks he's much too strongly stewjoni to be trained, but he does try for a few years before giving up, trading him to another master etc etc until obi-wan leaves the order all together when he's sixteen to get into stewjoni politics.

so when anakin comes back from his mission, he's shocked to find that obi-wan is not where he left him and is now a senator's aide, resulting in him storming to the senate building and pulling obi-wan (roughly) aside, accusing him of ignoring qui-gon's dying wish for him to be a jedi

and obi-wan, who has grown up nursing a hurt and hatred for this jedi in particular, rips his arm away and is like 'actually master jinn's dying wish was for you to train me so you ignored it first.'

#kit's silly lil aus #obikin #the senator menace au #i just love all the reverse master/padawan content ive been seeing lately #so heres another au where theyre reverse master/padawan #but not actually master padawan unfortunately #even though i can see this anakin being very close to falling #because hes bad at letting his attachment go #and also qui-gon wanted him to train him because he thought obi-wan's light would be good for anakin #and that night when obi-wan goes to bed #still seething about the nerve of jedi knight skywalker #hes visted by qui-gon jiinn in his dreams #who begs him to let anakin teach him #anything about the force at all. he needs him. #and obi-wan who has never felt needed once in his life is like......he needs me? #well....alright then #so they start doing secret lil trainings while obi-wan is still a senator's aide #and anakin just. latches onto him like qui-gon jinn sorta thought he would #but it's even a tighter latching on than he thought because this anakin has spent ten years in the worst parts of the galaxy #so he's quickly becoming unstably addicted to obi-wan's light #and then later his voice and his smile and his kisses etc etc #don't know if this would be a universe where anakin falls and convinces obi-wan to join him #(suitless vaderkin's crazed eyes in rots telling baby obi-wan this is what qui-gon would have wante #a chance for him to train obi-wan as his apprentice #but only in the dark side) #or if anakin almost falls but obi-wan successfully reels him back in #so this is nothing lke the phantom menace huh lol

[vole-mon-amour]

James got Jamie drunk and got him raped. He forced Jamie to have sex with an adult when Jamie was (and probably the day he turned) 14. James has been beating Jamie for years. James has been abusing Jamie mentally as well, being the cause of Jamie's depression, self-consciousness and many other issues. James has probably been beating up Georgie, too, until she had the means to get out.

There's a huge difference between recognizing your bad behavior (being a jerk and a bully for funsies—which isn't great, too, but it's redeemable, especially since Jamie was basically abused into this behavior) and changing for the better and throwing an abused kid back into his abuser's arms that gave him such severe PTSD that some encounters give him very painful flashbacks. He doesn't even remember his first sexual encounter bc it was so bad that he blocked it out, but he for sure will be triggered again if something like the auction in s1 happens again. Jamie was raped, and by an adult at that, when he was just a teen.

Even if James changes for the better in the future, he already ruined Jamie's life in the ways that Jamie will never be able to fix. Never, no matter how hard he tries and works on himself and goes to therapy. It's the horror that will always stay with him. It's the things that will haunt him in nightmares on his worst days and stop him from falling back asleep.

It doesn't matter if James becomes dad of the year (unironically) and finds a wife that he'll genuinely love and cherish and never show any toxic behavior for the rest of his life (which probably won't happen, I can almost guarantee you that). He will always be a wife beater and child abuser. So when you go on a rant about protecting James and how he's only human, at least remember and admit what he did.

Jamie deserves BETTER and I'll stay on this hill. 'It's been a while'? It should stay that way. Ted never should have told him to forgive him and Jamie should have never reached out to his abuser, let alone visit him in rehab and act like it's all fine and at least 21 years of the abuse didn't happen.

Because it absolutely did.

#ted lasso #jamie tartt #tw abuse #tw rape #my dad didn't even come close to the damage james did to jamie #i loved my dad very much and i was was devastated when he died #yet I'm still dealing with the aftermath of his actions 2 years later #again: my dad loved me the way he could. i loved him. #but it was almost very toxic and destructive and he hurt my mom mentally quite a bit #to the point when i learned what he did i couldn't fucking believe it was the same person #and i felt betrayed and devastated and so incredibly mad #jamie is a good kid that wants love and Be Good #but getting back to his abuser and acting like never of that happened is not a part of that #it should NEVER be a part of that #there's plenty of love from other people AND at home #james can go fuck himself and leave jamie alone. period. #it's 11:11 pm #and with that i am hopefully going to sleep

[alaraxia]

After a LOT of outfit/pallete trial n error I think I’m finally close to having an actual style down for Ordovic.

Main reason I haven’t wanted to practice drawing him as much was because I didn’t have a solid idea of his outfit and what his whole pallete should be, and so have spent months slowly circling ideas and poking at it.

#‘hey why haven’t you drawn ordovic as much’ because idk this fuckers look!!! #anyway only made progress once I pushed myself out of my comfort zone for colors #all those rejected outfit designs was months of work feeling out what felt right #character designers I respect you so much #anyway still technically not final but this is pretty close #OC Ordovic #OC art #orc #character design #another motivator was I couldn’t get comms of him until I finalized and outfit and colors like I did for ilia #ilia was way easier #her whole shape sorta lived in my head for years and her colors were very in my comfort zone #digital art #love my blorbos from my mind I’m So Normal about them

[meguhime]

16. friendship for Au Ra April and 16. defend for Vierapril

Heavensward spoilers ahead, sorry!

#AuRaApril2024 #Vierapril2024 #AuRaApril #Vierapril #Styrn's feelings about Haurchefant are so complicated... he was a very loyal friend but they had their differences #i don't think they were ever close enough for her to feel comfortable enough to debate him on the subjects they wouldn't have agreed on #she instead felt a great debt to him ... and that continued on due to his sacrifice #despite their different views i think their relationship was one of the most important ones Styrn experiences #And I think losing him had a major emotional toll on her... she was so angry and let herself feel it #she remains close with the Foretemps and they are in many ways close like family #but at times being in Ishgard still feels suffocating as much as it feels welcoming now - it was an almost-home but not quite #and now with all her memories of people like Haurchefant and Ysayle the city feels more like a mausoleum #Heavensward spoilers #ffxiv hw spoilers #meguart #haurchefant greystone #styrnrael tag #ffxiv #haurchefaunt

[j-ellyfish]

He's so pretty in this pic, I love the expression - or lack thereof. Like, his expression is almost neutral, but then he also got the slight frown in his eyebrows, the very subtle pout and he's breaking eye contact so it's like he's lightly bothered by the situation but you can't tell in which way, if he's actually hiding annoyance, embarrassment or what else. Or if there's just something on his mind he's trying to ignore but cannot. I love these kinds of expressions so much.

#I am not a fan of exaggerated expressions but man I LOVE it when an expression is *almost* blank but if you look at it more closely it is #full of subtle hints of hidden emotions #love this so so much I also love drawing this kind of stuff #I don't think my art comes across as very expressive in the faces because I like the expressions to not be all over the place #I like it if they're not 100% showing their emotions but there's something at least a little bit that is held inside #like for instance that drawing where Spain is telling Austria about the Northern Star I think he doesn't come off as super extroverted and #bubbly like he's more open about his emotions than Austria but I wanted him to come across as if he was trying to hold in a bit of his #excitement instead of letting it go all out because they still hadn't been married for *that* long and they're still a little afraid of #letting themselves go completely in front of the other #sorry idk how this ended up about my drawing preferences but aaaaa #I should draw again I've felt a bit down lately so yeah #but in the past couple days I've been wanting to draw again #aph austria #ary spoke #aph official #hetalia

[vickyvicarious]

Maybe Van Helsing should have revealed the truth to Jack the way Mina revealed the truth to Jonathan: make him supper first. She also probably didn't thrust the telegram into his face.

I respect this, and I certainly agree that a more gradual method of revealing the truth to Jack would have been better. However I also don't think that (a) van Helsing is capable of smoothly turning the post-dinner conversation to "so you know the woman you love who died very recently, I think she's a creature of the night", or (b) Jack would have taken it any better if it were delicately brought up after a nice meal.

The man was so miserable and is repeatedly so envious of others being comforted, I kind of feel like he would interpret the whole meal/gentle introduction of the topic of Lucy as an effort from someone to take care of him and just break down. Van Helsing gets as far as a soft "It's been a few days since the funeral of Miss Lucy," and Jack, who has a glass of alcohol in hand, a belly full of good food, has been enjoying someone seeking out his company after he has been isolating himself miserably in work, who feels like he doesn't have a right to ask for comfort for multiple reasons but who is very frayed at always trying to be the one to offer it and wants it so badly for himself - Jack starts crying hard.

#dracula daily #van helsing #jack seward #i understand his reasoning for not doing so but i still think van helsing's smoothest introduction would have been when she was still alive #if he presented it more gradually as 'something attacking her in the night' maybe brought up bats. kept them on guard. #then led up to his suspicions of a supernatural being - and emphasized that even if his suspicions are wrong he isn't prescribing anything #that could possibly harm her. just garlic flowers and supervised rest. i think jack would be very reluctant but go along and only resolve t #watch him closely as in canon. and vh could even invite him to do so. #as long as it is framed as 'this is to save lucy' it's all an easier sell to act on than 'lucy is a monster' ever would be when they're all #grieving her. #of course he lacked the confidence/knowledge to do that. but if he'd met the harkers earlier maybe he would have felt emboldened to do so.. #maybe things could have changed... or at least been a smoother/less traumatizing shock #(i don't think he'd tell anything more than the suspicion of something getting her in the night to anyone but jack. but that might still be #enough for art to tell quincey and quincey to go vampire bats? as in canon and for them all to be watching the windows/not leaving her) #anonymous #replies

[holyluvr]

If my father hadn’t of crushed my dreams of being an author apart like he crushed my laptop full of years of work on my vampires in half over his knee, maybe…..just maybe I would have reached John Greene’s potential.

#… #this is in really bad taste and faith(kind of like his work) I will admit it (unlike him) #I would know I was on tumblr back then. i have been here since we had those mail letters instead of asks/DMs #I know I was under 13 because I felt rebellious about it and haha sneaky >:3c have to figure out my sisters login info because she doesn’t #log out and it’s suspicious if she comes back to the laptop and notices she’s suddenly logged out now when I use it !!! #because she fr did think that way and she was right about it I was a bastard younger kid so ‘sorry I closed it’ wouldn’t work on her lololol #so I serioisly (out of concern that she would change her info and I’d not notice) wrote down her tumblr act info and info we had on shared #accounts and what I knew she often used in video games and hacked some other accounts and wrote it down and her fav numbers and colors….. #then I made my tumblr account and used it and checked the history then logged back into her account and opened a separate google tab #of a website she knew I used and i did all of that I went thru all of that to use tumblr before I was 13 y’all jsyk respect 4 ur elders #yea I mostly wrote about bisexual vampire dramas leave me alone ok I was a child #I literally know my older sisters bank info. I know her card number because I technically came up with it when we were tweens. same for her #phone plan LMAO I know all of it because it’s numbers that we used together as kids which is kind of sweet and heartwarming but heartbreakin #because she has amnesia of most of our childhood and doesn’t show affection ever. she distances and is very very defensive at all times. #plus I’m her fucked up junkie loser younger bro that she knew at least was expected to outperform her so she just doesn’t like me hahah #but she still chooses inside jokes that I do remember sitting in the garage on neopets laughing about for passwords. and I often find myself #doing the same thing about inside jokes and creations we haven’t mentioned in almost 20 years now. it’s wild how siblings are. there’s rlly #idk something special

[superconductivebean]

#543

WELL.

SPAMMED TAGS WITH AN ESSAY?

im very proud of these rambles but i can't understand why do i love to spam tags sm

#днявочка #днявочка: hlegacy #eng tag #днявочка: фандомное #damn wright #so i was peacefully asleep and then it came to me that wright is clingy but attaches Value to every hug she received or asked for #because when she was little her parents were too busy so any moment of Family Love was cherished and of gold and -- #-- slowly wright was remembering it all after The Battle. what her life was like before everything or what she thought was it like #i couldn't just kill off her mom off-stage i had to implement her in-full somehow so; not to overshare much but sharp will come to know her #and he'll tell everything he learned to wright as he'd originally planned but rookwood intervened and well it's a long story #by the time of that convo blorbos developed bonds over some things already but at that moment -- it was a rubicon ahead of them #wright felt lonelier than ever and sharp couldn't just leave her there for the sake of keeping the subordination up #wright entrusted him with the knowledge and her life and sharp stood by his word; she was *his student* after all and sought his help #so that how it started; still a mentorship but deeper. heavier. *falconry metaphors here* #they did become very close after The Battle but here's the catch: both of them didn't realize it right away #wright's clueless but sharp is always vigilant; he didn't want wright to have too much on her already cluttered mind especially -- #-- family related bc the topic is very dear and personal to her. for sharp it was more like 'family what family' -- #-- it's tied to scarborough incident (it took his hopes of having any family along with the ship but tshhh oversharing) #so. imagine a loop of suffering; wright seeks comfort and when she finds it in his arms she feels hardly any better because -- #-- it reminded her of her father of her mother but sharp is neither of them and the thought of it alone brought wright down very much #sharp isn't a substitute either -- and fear of losing him lingered and ohmygod how much talking they'd go through #self-indulgent part of it: when you're thick skin you tend to oversee many damaging things and may not even know smth has gotten under #wright thought she overcame her losses but in reality she never did and all these events only uncovered her lingers

[allegorism]

while i think it's fair to worry about how much they're going to change certain stuff, i also think there's Way too much doomposting surrounding bg3's changes in characterisation

#'they changed lae'zel' its literally a greeting. #which changes w different levels of affinity #and according to what i've read it was always in the game files but wasn't working? #she's pretty much still the same in the main plot and in her romance #and the whole thing w gale being more lenient about the magic items is literally bc he would leave if you closed the inventory #without giving him anything #like literally the only real change in characterisation that i've seen has been astarion and his opinion on the mizora thing #that and the gortash gay letters that were changed #other than that the changes have only added scenes (mostly related to epilogue stuff which may have felt lacking at first) and fixed bugs #i will also say that wyll's part in all of this has been Very lacking because he truly needs more content in comparison to astarion #but if they're willing to listen to fans? maybe they Will add stuff? #and about the added lines to the gortash scene.... adding more dialogue options is Not changing the characterisation of a character #it's literally giving you more options. if you don't like them you can literally NOT press the button #OH. i've just remembered. halsin's new thing. not going romantic on you if you didn't flirt with him #that's also another characterisation change i noticed. but that's a coherent one #if you didn't flirt with halsin why would he. yk. #anyways. i'm seeing too much doomposting. worrying about this is normal but people are being so pessimistic #mona.txt

[stinkrascal]

but like to me the way that vaughn and klaus are so different is exactly why they get along so well. vaughn is constantly overwhelmed by his own emotions, he feels EVERY little thing with so much intensity and ferocity it exhausts him. meanwhile klaus has the rxact opposite problem; he struggles to feel anything, even when he knows in this moment he should feel something. but no matter what, theres this ever-present lack in his chest where emotion should be but isnt. and i think vaughn admires klaus for being so put together, so capable of regulating his emotions, and klaus admires vaughn for having the strength to express his emotions in earnest, for having the confidence to unapologetically feel and express every and all emotions. if you put them together you would make one very healthy person who could regulate the FUCK outta their emotions!

#plus i will say that #since klaus’s powers are still very new to him #whenever klaus and vaughn made contact #while vaughn was scared af #klaus took some of those emotions from vaughn #he could feel what vaughn felt #and thats something hes never experienced before #and i think that influences klaus to wanna stay close w vaughn too #obv bc they get along and stuff. but also bc vaughn LITERALLY made him feel something! #and it was scary to feel fear but klaus appreciates the chance to have felt it regardless #UGH anyways boys. guys even

[wandapinkay]

Random thing to say but it's Pride month still so fuck it This year came with the realization I'm also demigirl :Dc

#I've always felt close to my femininity but not as much as I wanted to tbh #if people were to associate purely female-assigned stuff like skirts or needing to have a child when I grow up I'd feel very uncomfortable #now I finally understand why that happens #I mostly have boy friends than girl friends because I can relate to the former aspect more than the latter #but there's still that point where both sides are not what I am fully.. like I can feel masculine or feminine but not to an extreme #never felt completely neutral either #in fact I don't connect with neutral pronouns.. it feels like it's not me when people refer to me with they/them #i also feel uncomfy being referred to as trans or as nb because I feel like I'm a girl most of the time but still to a certain extent #I started using he/him and they feel kinda nice although it needs time to get used to #so yeah.. demigirl fits more than bigender or genderfluid for me tbh #if anyone's a she/him demigirl please let me know because I feel like I'm the only one here HGDFHGDFS #wanda talks #pride #pride month #demigirl #demigirl pride #queer #lgbtq+ #lgbt community

[lycanthian]

explosion.gif

#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week #genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man. #not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life #but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected #i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off #bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl #and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like #6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual #and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything #and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions #like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love. #and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay. #its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now #i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it #he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true. #i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet. #a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome #i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it. #sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it #aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh #i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much #i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally #logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own #gamey rambles #💜