#burden of consciousness

[anouri]

Fernando Pessoa from The Book of Disquiet (1982)

#burden of consciousness #words #truth is like a blanket #fernando pessoa #mine #the book of disquiet

[assim-eu-sou]

Something else I came across on the reread that I feel really foreshadows how the epilogue will play out is this:

“I know I’ll never marry, never risk bringing a child into the world. Because if there’s one thing being a Victor doesn’t guarantee, it’s your children’s safety. My kids’ names would go right into the reaping balls with everyone else’s. And I swear I’ll never let that happen.”

Following this quote, Katniss’ entire concept of romantic companionship and the creation of a family in her future is built around the existence of the games. When the games are abolished, nevers become possible.

Trust me, I’m the first person to look at an ending where the leading lady ends up with The Man and they have kids and it’s happily ever after with suspicion, but this time, it’s different. After a lifetime of fear, Katniss allows herself hope, because she can finally afford it. And I think that’s worth a lot.

#it’s something I see a lot today too #not for me I straight up just faint imagine creating a consciousness like naur now the burden of someone being alive is on me #cant not faint help #but for others it’s a certain condition that is holding them back #climate change for example #so in a magical world where that got fixed I think those people bringing children into the world WOULD be a triumph #but idk I feel like everyone has to have their opinion on the epilogue so why not throw mine into the ring #ring? #thg #the hunger games #katniss everdeen #everlark #vaguely

[cosmictapestry]

dream: i mean maybe it wasn’t even that big of a deal. i’m barely mad about it anymore. and i’m a better person now right. so maybe it was like, necessary. i keep forgetting to breathe which makes me panic and i never want anyone to see me naked ever again and i don’t really see myself as important beyond my function anymore but like. whatever yknow?

matthew: fholy shit dude.

#the sandman #dream of the endless #matthew the raven #something something victim of his own infinite hubris which is literally completely necessary to keep him from being torn apart. #oh what a prideful egotistical bastard he’s a much better person after The Cage #at the cost of his defense against the unconscious consciousness. #it’s the TRAGEDY of it all……. he isn’t HUMAN he literally IS all that stands between the universe and utter destruction…. #poor sysyphus!! poor icarus!! poor morpheus!! burdens and pride and The Burden Of Pride!!!!!!!

[vormov]

an undying belief in so much more // one day the sun will become the sky

a child arose once left upon the lawn, like he wandered but was never found the counting riffs like he were waiting for the end blatently disregard the ghosts and see if he can go on without it. lay upon me these troubles—i can handle it.

if the layers are to be seen with any clarity we have to go deeper into this sin, the dynamics are at an all-time-high fail all the fates with me as we drown. it'll be a spectacle, for sure.

please bless me as i wade into the wastes, that my steps be covered with forethought or a radical nature ensues and blemishes this tarnishment further, like the winds split the hairs in half and quelled the silent to speech. once lay upon me, these troubles—I can handle it

with great indulgence that i finally spoke, with a great fury did i beacon the gods like they were absent, they knew i was the foolsayer but these words must be said, i cannot expel them from my mouth quickly enough nor let the dawn tread upon us before we understand, let the fortune spill forth into another day.

a child arose once again left behind upon the lawn, with a lingering feeling of grand nothingness nor a placard any of truth, just a series of more and more convincing lies. how can one go through life with just a witness over the shoulder to spare, won't you see it with your own eyes and witness —i've been begging you. lay upon me these troubles, i can handle it.

the mysterious cavern blares a strange tune like the wakes of sense were left on some other planet, the brain pulsates with over-stimulus, and I dance with the divine or maybe the profane —I cannot tell.

will the omens phase through or become ether already, i have grown impatient of ourself of late, can we please change again?

***

a delicate choice became upon me, the layers unraveled finally aghasting me with the truth a spectre leavened with the cores of all of us meagerly spectating as the lyres die upon these our layered fortunes. like we never had a choice... (03-19-23—Hi. I’m a weird poetic type of person. I occasionally come up with tremendous phrasings or a clever way to word something every so often. Everything I’ve ever written was composed to Music. I’d like to think it was all a fluke. Don’t Listen To Me.) (Syntax and Shit!? what happens when you start to edit the Stream of Consciousness?...)

#2023 #poetry #stream of consciousness #self #self-review #reflection #future #uncertainty #lets go! #music inspired #self burden #heavily edited

[lucky-clover-gazette]

i would like to not wake up wanting to cry. like can we maybe not start the day like that as a default, brain. can we do that.

#imagine going to sleep and not having dreams that force you to think about the things you are consciously trying to move past #with a side dish of other sad nonsense that more than anything just makes you panicked and tired #what the fuck is even going on with me. i’m beside myself. #sorry to be venting i just don’t have people around and i don’t like the idea of burdening any one specific person #esp when there is no Solution to the Troubles but time passing and slowly caring about other shit #and the additional stress responses are idk. probably a ptsd thing i don’t care ab labeling it #last night i dreamt that for some unclear reason i surrendered my cat to the shelter and then regretted it so bad but couldn’t get her back #if you know me you know how distressing that would be #brain. why. #i don’t even have a reason to be stressed about my cat why did we bring her into this

[starsymphonium]

Smoke weed, eat fruit

#the burden of sentience #thinking about the theory of how early humanoids gained spirituality and deeper consciousness through drug use #the small joys of the world #eating a small fruit like im at a bonfire checkpoint #for a brief moment the world is calm and safe #a little glow in the endless dark of the night surrounded by friends with a sweet taste on the tongue

[seoafin]

No I need every trigun thought you have bc wolfwood’s character is tragic like vash. This whole crew is just messed up and I need to see thoughts and feelings!!!

before anyone says anything you asked so i am answering. i talked about how insane it makes me that wolfwood is literally doomed by the narrative. both in the manga and stampede (sorry to those who think he'll make it out alive in stampede. he's dying.) our first look at him in both the manga AND stampede is seeing him carrying his own grave marker (which i could write a whole paper about just in the fact that it's literally a cross and a fucking machine gun!!!!!). it's representative of the lives he's taken and a tangible manifestation of his sins and guilt that is pointed out as extremely heavy by others. i think in the manga the only other person capable of picking the punisher up is vash??? (which makes me even more crazier bc what do you think that represents huh). the thing about wolfwood is that not only is he a character foil to vash, he completes vash in a way that only he can. only wolfwood can take the lives vash cannot in order to save people, which is something vash finally acknowledges during their fight with leonof the puppet master. i think the absolute saddest thing about wolfwood's character is that he is absolutely a caretaker at heart and violence is not at all inherent to his nature. in the orphanage he grew up in he cooked he took care of the younger children he helped the women out!!! thematically the orphanage he grew up in being the place of his last stand makes so much sense. he fights and dies to protect the orphanage and all the children (yes this includes livio). not to quote myself here but:

ww’s death doubles as salvation and tragedy. somewhere along the way of meeting vash and being witness to his unconditional love and forgiveness for humanity he found it easier to hope!!!! to begin to think that he could be saved. and that’s how he dies.

#HE'S JESUS HE'S JUDAS HE'S MARY MAGDALENE #the punisher's range......... #it's a cross it's a machine gun it punishes and later it saves.... #wowowowowowowow #vash taking on the punisher after ww's death makes me want to scream and eat drywall #vash taking on the punisher after ww's death means that we come full circle. #vash takes the punisher on his back along with the burden of ww'd death and the burden of all the lives ww had taken #that burden is what leads him to kill to save livio #redemption in consciously refusing to kill is what kills ww. there is salvation in the form of death. because he was always going to die. #trigun.talk

[rainswept]

the sheer difference in the tones i specifically set for my blade and dan heng playlists is so melancholy to me. and i literally chose to do it

blade’s switches from slow, lifeless, and hopeless, to desperate, dark, frantic, and chaotic. repeatedly. like documenting a descent into insanity

and dan heng’s is hopeful. like slowly opening your eyes and feeling the sun on your face for the first time in years. like being pulled OUT of a threat to your sanity. and ooghhmmygod

#because they both have teams yet are so alone #dan heng still has to bear the burden of dan feng’s crimes but he never lived through them himself #he has the chance at a new life with the express. true desires #and blade’s Everything is just a means to an end. #crazed. barely hanging on yet forced to do so. #everything he does is absolutely devoid of hope. consciously and unconsciously #and while dan heng is sorrowful. he has hope and he has a future. #blade has given up on one #why did i do this to myself #tldr: while they both stem from sorrow. blade’s is pessimistic and dan heng’s optimistic

[tricornonthecob]

Me: I have many responsibilities and timelines to follow, and only so many hours in a day to do things.

Prescription Meth: All of which are completely doable yes yes yes yes you don't need to eat rn, you binge eat, anyway

My brain: *playing with various dinosaur, horse, and LK-shaped legos*

My brain: *suddenly drops the legos*

My brain: GINGERBREAD TRICORNS.

Me: ...jesus rollerblading christ you're brilliant, also not to be a pedant but they were called cocked hats at the time.

My brain: thank you and shut up you know what I fucking mean and its acceptable to use it as a 21st century human, who fucking came up with our tumblr user name.

My stomach: Yes hi, excuse me, we're hungry?

Prescription Meth: Good talk everyone! Lets get back to work!

Me: right you are!

My stomach: ... well ok then.

#my back: FUCK YOU FOR SITTING SO LONG HERE'S SOME PAIN MADE WORSE BY MOVING AND SITTING STILL #ADHD go brrrr #Adulthood is a lie you just feel like you always do but with the burden of foresight and joint pain #stream of consciousness provided to you by Evekeo: fancy bath salts

[howifeltabouthim]

Now every morning as he assumed the burden of consciousness he reflected upon its strangeness . . .

Iris Murdoch, from The Philosopher’s Pupil

#waking up #consciousness #strange #life is strange #burden #quotes #lit #words #excerpts #quote #literature #iris murdoch #the philosopher's pupil

[anouri]

i don't know if i’ll last until tomorrow. it's such an arduous task to always bottle it up

jeanette winterson // chen chen // the wallows // shannon cartier lucy // traci brimhall // mary oliver // eliran kantor // margaret atwood // the wallows // ron hicks // gus dapperton

#burden of consciousness #on fear of intimacy #web weaving #jeanette winterson #chen chen #the wallows #mary oliver #traci brimhall #eliran kantor #margaret atwood #shannon cartier lucy #ron hicks #gus dapperton #mine #sorry for not having these tagged beforehand: #tw self harm #tw suicidal ideation

[caffeinatedopossum]

Can someone please explain to me the appeal of ✨️acceptance✨️ that isn't literally just apathy, surrender, or so absolutely terrifying that it makes me want to jump off a cliff

#'its out of your control 😌' YES THAT IS THE PROBLEM #and also how tf am i supposed to know when something actually is or isnt controllable?? #sometimes i just needed to be better at the thing #like when i couldnt tie my shoes as a kid i didnt just give up because i couldnt do it #i had to keep trying or i never would have known #idk what exactly im trying to say here but its a train of thought that plagues me everyday and burdens my consciousness more than you know

[everythingthemoontouches]

I'm not a butterfly , I'm a bull

And that means sometimes wily little rats will try to piggyback off my subject

It doesn't mean I'm destined to forever carry them on my back.

I recognise now that I must learn from time to time learn to shake off those pesky gnats off me even though it doesn't come naturally to my steadfast nature.

The bull is a beast of burden, and as a Taurus moon, I do sometimes enjoy the grind, felling like I'm working towards a sustainable reward. Inahle the sweet scent of the earth as its ploughed. I am happy to work as long as the harvest fruit are fair

If not, we'll, that's what my horns are for

#Shake it off #Strong #Earth signs #Grounded #Taurus #Taurus sun #Taurus moon #Taurus thoughts #Ox #Beast of burden #Feeling #Hardwork #Hardworking #My efforts #Rewards #Collective consciousness #Everything the moon touches #Mine #Corner office #6th house #Oak tree #Chinese astrology #Astrology notes

[ahdriking]

Human beings are so fucking conceptually smart (like languages?? communication?? mathematics?? physics?? wow bitch) that the only problems we have are those we create for ourselves, and we have the ability to solve all of them, but for some entirely baffling reason, we simply Do Not.

#honestly sometimes i take a step back #and marvel at how amazing humans are #and then i take another step #and despair cos we're so fucking stupid bitch oh my god #like my fellow human being #we dont have to make life harder for each other #in this cruel world of eat shit and die we're all just trying to find some joy #cons unfortunately we were burdened with sentience and the ability to despair #so lets not waste the valuable seconds we have of consciousness bullshitting each other about things #we have no real interaction with in any way shape or form #cough cough abortion rights #fuck you american grandpas

[graceful-stranded-thoughts]

Just Another Weekend

I should wake up. It’s well past noon and the sun is peeking through that small gap in the curtains that will not go away, no matter how many times I’ve moved the damn fabric. I’m not really asleep per say, just laying here in a mass of blankets and warm lighting. My body overheats and I have to kick off the covers, but then I get too cold and have to retreat underneath my solitude of gratuitous sadness again. It’s a vicious cycle, though I should be grateful as currently it’s the only thing keeping my attention away from the self-pity that swarms inside my chest. 

There’s no reason I should be so depressed, is there? I’m not sure anymore. It’s like some weird monster that’s found its home within my throat. It keeps quiet for the most part, but it likes to jump out to remind me its still living within my bones. Not that I’d be likely to forget at anytime. You don’t just forget something that makes your stomach dry and your brain to become fuddled in darkness. Is fuddled a word? Sounds British. Maybe a shortened version of befuddled. That was probably a better word to use. Ah well…not like I majored in English…or writing…anyway. Depression! Whoo! 

Interesting what triggers such an annoying mental block. It’s a slippery slope really and I don’t have any snow shoes. Though I always enjoyed sliding down a snowy hill. There’s something freeing about giving up control and possibly smacking into a tree. Maybe the force of impact will jolt the monster out of me. 

But the sun on snow can be too bright for my eyes. I squint and turn away and when I open my eyes again…somehow I’m back in bed. Back to sleeping in until 3pm and then hating myself because I wasted a whole day. I should be more productive than this. I can be more productive than this. I do it every weekday. I actually do shit that helps and isn’t useless and pointless. But being awake means I have to leave my dreams, which are almost always better than real life. I don’t have to worry about getting a job or feeling as though I will never amount to anything. Ugh, let’s not go down that rabbit hole just yet. 

No, I enjoy sleep because it gives my over active, anxious brain a break. I can finally get everything to shut the fuck up and I can create my own little self-insert fanfic within my head. There’s been a few cute romances lately…though that’s another rabbit hole there. I swear it’s a fucking maze at this point. Cause romance leads to wondering why these moments never happened to me, but of course they can’t happen if you don’t leave your fucking bed you idiot. But what if you’ll never be loved because you’re so afraid of being hurt? The pain of being alone is a lot easier to deal with than the pain of being unwanted…though one could argue those go hand in hand. Also, is that what you really want or are you just lonely and depressed? Also you’re not lonely, moron you have people who care about you. Really cool people you make you feel valued and important. Then again, what if they’re just being nice and polite and don’t want to tell you to go away? You could just be an annoying nuisance who doesn’t really add anything. No, shut up! We’re not doing this. 

Man I have to pee. I should get out of bed. It’s really not that hard. First you have to pull off the covers…but I’m in the stage of too cold now. I’ll get up in five minutes. I can hold it until then. Just five more minutes…hold out until then…and then another five…and maybe one more.

#depression #stream of consciousness #anxiety #freewrite #writing #writer #dark #kinda just funny a little bit #I forgot this piece existed until a literal second ago #just the burden of living life

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#what am I supposed to do when all I can think about is fucking you #how can I move on when the fantasies hit me like intrusive thoughts #I’m actively trying not to consciously think about those things and keep you as strictly my friend because that’s what you want #I’m clawing my way out of this hole of a crush I’m stuck in bit by bit with just my nails #I’m doing everything possible to only be who and what you want because I can’t lose you #and it’s like my mind wants to punish me for it #it makes me feel desperate and afraid and anxious and lonely #it makes me feel like I’m going fucking feral and insane #it’s not even an actual problem and that’s the worst part of it because truly who gives a shit if I have a crush #and yet sometimes it’s like it’s just tearing my up inside and trying to kill me #and it’s not like I can tell you this #I’ve made my problems your burden far too many times as it is #if I do that with this it could be the thing that pushes you away because I know you don’t want to hear that I still want to fuck you #I know it would make you uncomfortable and I don’t want to ever do that #but I’m losing my fucking mind here and I kind of just want to scream to you about it #you’re the only one who would understand because of our history and yet I’m too afraid to say anything to you #and I can’t talk to anyone else about this or get help with my issues because your secrets are my secrets and we’re both ashamed #so what the fuck am I supposed to do when you’re the only thing infiltrating my mind at all hours of the day #and what am I supposed to do when I’m trying so hard but my efforts basically amount to nothing #and what am I supposed to do if these feelings don’t go away and I continue to suffer #part of me hopes you’ll want me again one day and part of me doesn’t want to keep holding onto nothing #so I’m straddling this line where I don’t know what will help me more or get me past this and I just keep slipping off of it #distraction doesn’t work and trying to push thoughts away doesn’t work and nothing else seems to work either #and I had to stop reading our old conversations because it was making me sad and giving me anxiety attacks so now I don’t even have that #I just want this pain and stupidity and anxiety and bullshit to go away so I can go back to normal #personal