#bridgerton crack

[fayes-fics]

Innuendo Bingo

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, modern AU

Summary: Crack fic. Modern AU. Someone knows a LOT of stupid synonyms for orgasms...

Warnings: Teen and up. Sexual humour, a lot of stupidity. Non-explicit references to sex acts. Basically, I'm sorry.

Word Count: 0.8k

Authors note: Request fill for @sorryallonsy, who asked for Benedict crack fic with him coming up with stupid names for orgasms (ask HERE). I'm sorry this took SO LONG, especially as it is so short. However, I was in the mood to polish off (heheheh) something silly today, and this was just the ticket. Unbetaed cos it's ridiculous. Thanks, and err, enjoy, I guess? <3

Bridgerton family brunch happens once a month and is always memorable. The family usually takes over some swish eatery in central London for a few hours with their unique brand of noisy, chaotic camaraderie. Being Benedict's girlfriend, you are now a part of this melee. It’s one such Sunday when you are finishing your quite delicious but oversized meal that Benedict leans in.

“I can't wait to have you naked again,” he rumbles right in your ear.

You almost spit your last mouthful all over the table. After a few beats, you recover enough to reply.

“Your mother is right there!” you chastise sotto voce, nodding imperceptibly across the table, pulling a pointed expression, even as your mind is filled with images of him waking you up just this morning with his tongue between your thighs.

“Please,” he withers good-naturedly. “I have seven siblings. Do you really think this libido isn't genetic?” he jests, a hand on your knee now. 

“Stop it!” you giggle, not wanting to think of his mother that way.

 “Also, she is not paying us any mind,” he points out, crowding closer. 

Indeed, she is engrossed in a chat with Kate and has one of Daphne’s kids ensconced in her lap, diverting all her attention.

“Besides, are you telling me you don't want to have another orgasm today?” he goads, lips warm on your neck as those fingers spider higher up your thigh, knowing precisely what your weak spots are and exploiting them.

“Well, now… I didn’t say that…” you counter, eyes fluttering closed briefly at his onslaught. “But I might need a few hours after all this food,” you mime a bloated stomach.

It's his turn to chuckle, a warm sound that skitters over your skin. “That's fair,” he assesses. “Can't be releasing the Kraken if you have a food baby…”

You can't help but emit a bark of laughter at that. Everyone at the table looking briefly askance at you before resuming their discussions.

“The what?” you wheeze.

“You heard me,” he quips warmly. “Don't like that? I've got a million more,” he vows, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Don't…” you warn softly, but that just seems to goad him on.

“Making waffles? Popping the weasel…?”

“Waffles?” you frown, “I thought it was whoopee?”

“That too,” he smiles, eyes crinkling in that adorable way as he continues. “Petting the cat? Nulling the void? You can cuff my carrot, and I’ll dial your rotary phone?” each phrase is delivered full of mirth, close to your ear, and you can't help the stupid grin on your face.

“Stop it,” you protest weakly, nudging him gently with your elbow but having to muffle your laughter into his shoulder.

“I’ll stop when you stop finding them funny…” he counters genially. “Marching the penguin? Downstair DJing? Turning on the sprinklers? Debugging the hard drive?”

Each one has you hopelessly sniggering to the point you can't breathe, and little tears form at the corner of your eyes.

“What in God's name are you doing to your girlfriend, Benedict?” Anthony’s voice suddenly rings out from the head of the table. “It looks like she is about to die… hands where I can see them, please!”

Everyone at the table twists to look at you and laughs as both of you instantly raise your hands as if being held hostage; you mortified by the idea everyone thinks you might be up to things in front of them all, even though you know Anthony is joshing. 

But then Benedict murmurs a quiet parting shot out the corner of his mouth. 

“Chastising the family… jewels...”

And yeah, your loud snort is definitely undignified.

—

You are back at his place relaxing on the sofa a few hours later - When Harry Met Sally is playing on the TV - when he wraps an arm around your shoulder.

“Fancy doing a Meg Ryan?” he whispers, his tone laced with levity.

“Bit late for that. We left the restaurant a few hours ago,” you sigh in mock disappointment, a playful smile tugging at the corner of your mouth.

“I don't mind a private performance,” he breezes, trailing a hand over your neckline and nuzzling your cheek. “I rather like the idea of watching you paddle your pink canoe….”

Yeah, no, you definitely lose it at that one. 

Collapsing into him, your laughter does not even subsidise when he unzips your dress with his practised skill.

“Please… one ticket to the solo show just for me?” he implores, kissing along your jaw. “Visit that safety deposit box? Orbit Venus? A little double-clicking?”

“You are going to need to stop…” you object faintly, an odd mix of lightness from giggling so much and arousal coursing through you as his fingers circle over your underwear.

“Never…..” he teases in that gravelly tone that always persuades you.

“Fine, but only if I can watch you polish your bannister…” you throw back, pushing off your underwear with a comic flourish.

His laugh is deep and all-consuming, racking his whole frame as he suddenly scoops you up and strides towards his bedroom.

“Deal!”

Benedict taglist: @foreverlonginguniverse @colettebronte @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld @broooookiecrisp @queen-of-the-misfit-toys @eleanor-bradstreet @divaanya @musicismyoxygen84 @benedictspaintbrush @miindfucked @cayt0123 @hottytoddyhistory @truly-dionysus @fictionalmenloversblog @zinzysstuff @malpalgalz @panhoeofmanyfandoms @kinokomoonshine @causeimissu @delehosies @m-rae23 @last-sheep @kmc1989 @desert-fern @starkeylover @corpseoftrees-queen @magical-spit @bunnyweasley23 @how-many-stars-in-the-sky @amygdtjhddzvb @sya-skies @balladynaaa @urfavnoirette

#benedict bridgerton fanfiction #benedict bridgerton #benedict bridgerton smut #benedict bridgerton crack #benedict bridgerton imagine #bridgerton fanfiction #bridgerton #bridgerton crack #bridgerton smut #bridgerton imagine #benedict bridgerton x reader #benedict bridgerton x female reader #benedict bridgerton x you #benedict bridgerton x y/n #bridgerton x reader #bridgerton x female reader #bridgerton x you #bridgerton x y/n

[benedictsvestcollection]

Benedict and I are still bitter about the S3 news. 

This was funnier in my head.

#Bridgerton #incorrect Bridgerton quotes #Benedict Bridgerton #Colin Bridgerton #my edits #Bridgerton crack

[apinchofm]

Does Your Mother Know?

For @viscountessevie and @jeanvanjer

Mary Sharma had been a widow for over a decade.

And sometimes that required scratching an itch one could not get on her own and in the stress of wedding planning, one daughter unable to admit she was in love, whilst the other cried on the couch because her fiancée loves her so much, she needed help.

Colin Bridgerton. He was sweet, if not a terrible flirt and a thing for older women. She didn't know why. But it helped her.

She stood up from the bed in the hotel room. He had offered to take her home, given Kate was with Anthony. Instead, they went to a room at a nearby B&B and had a drink. Then another.

"That was amazing." Colin said breathlessly, sitting up. He noticed Mary had dressed,"Where are you going?"

"Home. I've got thank you notes to send on Edwina's behalf and I'm preparing for a complex C-section," She explained.

"Can we, um, do this again?" Colin asked, his eyes wide. He was adorable and fun. And very good in bed.

But he was a child.

"Now, Colin. What would your mother say?" Mary winked, picking up her clutch and leaving the room.

#molin #mary sharma #colin bridgerton #fic: sister of the bride #mary sharma x colin bridgerton #bridgerton crack #Bridgerton #modern au #minimmakes

[thesevenwondersofawitch]

Ah yes, The Bridgerton children.

Anthhony, Benjamin, Colitis, Daisy, Elphaba, Franky, Grogu, and Hiyaa-cith.

#my sister and I came up with these names at 2:07am #we just couldn't beat Colitis #no hate to colin #we love him #but he's bit of an idiot at times to #penelope featherington #bridgerton memes #the Bridgertons #Bridgerton #TheSevenWondersOfAWitch memes #Anthony Bridgerton #Benedict Bridgerton #Colin Bridgerton #daphne bridgerton #eloise bridgerton #francesca bridgerton #gregory bridgerton #hyacinth bridgerton #bridgerton crack #memes #bridgerton books #bridgerton netflix

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

#i could not stop laughing at this #i had to watch it about 10 times and still counting #they crack me up #cackling #he's like foot in mouth foot in mouth must stop talking now #haha #i love them #cuties #bridgerton #polin #penelope featherington #colin x penelope #penelope x colin #colin bridgerton #nicola coughlan #luke newton #love

[thekatebridgerton]

If I told you that one of these two is Penelope's Spouse and the other is Penelope's Mistress you'd still have a hard time figuring out who is who

#bridgerton #crack #polin #Eloise Bridgerton third wheel #Penelope Featherington #colin bridgerton #Penelope sometimes forgets which one she married and which one is the side piece

[orion-lake]

Incorrect Bridgerton Family Quotes [x]

#bridgertonedit #bridgerton #colin bridgerton #benedict bridgerton #mygifs #crack

[rainybraindays]

Her being the most awkward fucking person is actually the best, girl you really CAN'T talk to people huh

#bridgerton #penelope featherington #she really had that high-school boy voice crack happen I love her #awkward Penelope you will always be famous #not sure how I feel about Eloise with Cressida #i was hopingshe was like #writing marina or something djdjnzx

[simplyalexeiofficial]

I’ve been waiting on Polin’s season for so long that I’ve inadvertently become obsessed with Penedict, and I am convinced that the only reason Pen and Ben haven’t truly shared a scene yet is because their chemistry would disrupt the entire Bridgerton space-time continuum

Still obsessed with Polin, but they’re spicy where Benedict would be savory, you know? A girl likes some flavor variety

#bridgerton #fandom #bridgerton season three #bridgerton season 3 #polin #romancing mr. bridgerton #penedict #crack ship #crack #rarepair

[myficprompts]

I think it would’ve been funny if Hyacinth caused purposeful chaos post-races because she clearly knows what’s best for her big brother/pseudo-father Anthony.

So I just imagine ahead of going to Aubrey Hall that Anthony sits down with Hyacinth (and maybe Gregory and Fran?) and is like what did you guys think of Miss Edwina Sharma at the races? And Hyacinth/the kids speak nice and politely about her. And then Anthony asks how she’d/they’d feel about Edwina joining their family/being their sister. And Hyacinth pulls out a line like this from the Parent Trap.

She’s just like “Oh I think Edwina will be a wonderful big sister! And you’d be such a great brother to her!”

Cue Anthony trying to set things straight and Hyacinth being purposely obtuse like “funny joke, brother! I think it’s a splendid idea you plan to propose to Miss Sharma and have Miss Edwina join our family too!”

And then it continues to escalate during their early invitation at Aubrey Hall.

Mainly I just was to see that purposeful “misunderstanding” in the parent trap used in a way for Anthony & Hyacinth lmaoooo

#bridgerton #kanthony #bridgerton au #anthony bridgerton #bridgerton fic prompt #hyacinth bridgerton #the parent trap #i just would laugh so hard at the image of hyacinth pulling something like this #also anthony trying to give her/his youngest siblings and heads up and it just fails #spectacularly #kanthony au #kanthony fic prompt #crack fic

[fayes-fics]

Coitus Mahemium

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, modern AU

Summary: Crack fic. Sex can result in injury, but you keep going anyway...

Warnings: 18+ smut, minors DNI, inebriation, vaginal sex, minor injury with blood, substance high, crack content.

Word Count: 0.8k

Author's Note: This is an anon request fill (from HERE) I got during Kinktober but held onto as it's pure crack. I'm dedicating this to a lovely friend, @chaoticcalzoneranchsports, who enjoys a bit of silly crack content as much as I do. <3

“Oh god, this feels so good…” you shudder, dragging yourself up and down in his lap forcefully, climbing towards orgasm.

“Fuck, I know….” he moans in your ear, hands wrapped around your bum cheeks, encouraging your bouncing, the vein in his neck pulsing hard as he, too, skates close to coming.

You didn't even make it off his sofa tonight; you both just tugged off your trousers, perhaps a touch inelegantly in your tipsy state, deciding to ride him right here.

You look down to watch his cock disappear between your legs, and he growls when he realises what you are doing. Unfortunately, the noise he makes has you snapping your head up just as he leans in….  And your noggin smacks hard into his face.

Benedict cries out and collapses back into the sofa cushions, his hands flying up to his face as he hisses.

“Shiiitttt! I'm so sorry!  Are you alright?!?” you fret, stilling your movements, unsure what to do. 

What is the correct etiquette here? Is it impolite for one to climb off a cock mid-fuck? Or is it more impolite to keep going after such a faux pas?

“I'm fine, I'm fine,” he assures, muffled behind his hands cupped over his mouth and nose.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.. please don't stop,” he implores, surging his hips up to indicate he wants you to keep going, even as he doesn’t remove his hands.

You start to move slowly, holding his shoulders, your brow knitted in concern.

“Show me,” you request quietly when his face looks oddly contorted, slowing your moves to a stop.

“Please, please don't stop. I really want this. So much,” Benedict campaigns again, almost whiny.

“I want this too, but…” you reach forward and pull away his hands, shrieking slightly in surprise.

His lip is spilt, and his nose is bleeding, his hands are covered in blood.

“Fuck Benedict! We need to get that seen to! You might need stitches!” you fret and start to climb off.

“No!!” he gruffs, grabbing your hips. “I'm fine, just please, please. We can go to A&E… later,” he pulls you back down onto his cock, still impressively rock hard.

“Later?!” you echo in disbelief.

“Yes, look… fuck I want to come so bad, please…. just please…” he beseeches, pouting in a way that would look adorable, were it not the cause of another pulse of blood to appear.

“Benedict… I can't fuck a bleeding man…” you sigh, even as he attempts to do it himself, rocking his hips.

“Yes, you can!” he cries desperately, “just okay, look, wait….” He twists and reaches to the side table and grabs a box of tissues, quickly stuffing one up each nostril and jamming one between his lips. “There, all better…” he argues, muffled, even as they turn pink. 

“Ben…” he looks utterly ridiculous, and you can't help the tipsy giggle that bubbles up at the absurdity of the situation.

“Ha! See?! You can see the funny side,” he contends, waggling a finger at you even as he rocks into you. You just stare at him with fond exasperation. “Please, y/n, pretty pretty please. I can't go to A&E with an erection and a bloodied face. That will just cause all sorts of questions. I don't want to be a doctor's anecdote. Think about it; you are actually doing me a favour here…” he wheedles, pulling that puppy-dog expression.

He has a point.

You shake your head affectionately, then start to move. He crows triumphantly, and his hands grab your bottom, smearing traces of blood onto your shirt where it hangs low.

“You don't think they will have questions that I have bloody handprints over my bum?” you point out sardonically with a groan, his cock so good, you are already right back to pleasure.

“You have a great arse; they will just assume I grabbed it to deal with the anxiety of my injuries,” he ripostes with panted breath.

“My arse is not a stress toy, Bridgerton!” you dispute, gusting each word as you climb towards ecstasy.

“It's a bloody fantastic one,” he lobbies back cheekily, “quite literally tonight…” he adds drolly, raising a comedic eyebrow.

You can’t help another giggle even as you ride harder, both of you groaning loudly now as you slam onto his cock, both so eager to come.

—

Half an hour later, the triage nurse raises an eyebrow as she clocks the large bloody handprints on the shirt-tails hanging over your bum and the blissed-out look on Benedict’s face. In hindsight, perhaps giving him some leftover codeine you found in his bathroom cabinet before you ordered the taxi to come here was not such a good idea after all. 

He’s now high as a damn kite.

“I use her arse as a stress toy,” he offers sincerely by way of explanation to the nurse, then lolls his head and shoots you a goofy grin.

“Clearly…” she deadpans.

“She’s so lovely; she made sure I didn’t have an erection, too,” he continues, confessional on the mix of alcohol and painkillers.

You slump your head into your hands as he reaches out and pats your shoulder haphazardly.

Yeah… Great way to avoid being an anecdote, Bridgerton.

No taglist as this is goofy silliness.

#benedict bridgerton fanfiction #benedict bridgerton #benedict bridgerton smut #benedict bridgerton crack #benedict bridgerton imagine #bridgerton fanfiction #bridgerton #bridgerton smut #bridgerton crack #bridgerton imagine #benedict bridgerton x reader #benedict bridgerton x female reader #benedict bridgerton x you #benedict bridgerton x y/n #bridgerton x reader #bridgerton x female reader #bridgerton x you #bridgerton x y/n

[benedictsvestcollection]

Bridgerton text posts 

#Bridgerton #text posts #my edits #Bridgerton crack

[apinchofm]

@viscountesskatesharma @missfairygodmother @aspoonfuloffiction @ginghampearlsnsweettea @gaybridgertonuniverse @alrightsnaps @kathaniesharma @the-greendalehumanbeings @sharmasandcorgis @katesdirtrug - Modern Kate cooking for Anthony

#bridgerton #Bridgerton crack

[dollypopup]

look i get bton has set up some seeds (ba dum tiss?) that polin will be the pairing in the Featherington Family to have a male heir first (and it's popular in the fandom as an endgame for them) and thus will inherit the estate but

consider the following:

they find out about it and go 'ahahahah NOPE' and thus become co-conspirators to get Pru or Phillipa preggo before them. because with inheriting the estate. . .what they really inherit is the debt. and neither of them are eager for that anytime soon

so one storyline is that they're on a mission to get Prudence there first so they're always out here making very thinly veiled insinuations at PruDank and make up excuses and schemes so they're alone with each other. Penelope takes the lead for this particular side of the scheme, but they're definitely in kahoots. like Colin will lead Dankworth to places and Penelope will do the same for Prudence and whoops, look at that, what a good time for the two of you to make an heir and Penelope's there in Prudence's ear like it should be you, you're the oldest, it's your right, wouldn't you want to lord it over Phillipa forever? like the devil on her shoulder and constantly hyping her sister up because please, god, don't let it be her, she doesn't want it to be her, she is a grand total of 19 years old and she wants to fuck her husband consequence free, and she can't do this chastity shit, it's not reasonable, so Prudence, time to hop on that horse! let's up and at 'em, sis

and the other is Colin coming to Albion like 'soooooooo. . .I have to ask. . .how have you managed it?' and he's like 'managed what?' 'to be married for two years and not have a baby. I mean, I'm a newly married man and I'd like to. . .enjoy my wife before we start a family. I have to know your secret' and Albion is just there going 'huh? what secret? we've just being doing it normal?' so Colin's very concerned like 'oh no, what if i've offended him? what if they can't have kids???' and Albion and him keep talking until it becomes clear that, wait, hang on, what do you mean by normal and it finally comes out that the reason Phillipa always seems like she's got a stick up her bum is because she does so he's like 'oh fuck, oh no, oh no no no, i can't be the one to inform him that's not the way to make a baby' ala: 'you are putting it in the right place?' and he's white as a ghost like 'so very sorry, i think i left my cat on the stove, i have to go'

and Colin and Penelope come together at the end of all their schemes like 'well. . .there goes Plan A. . .and B. . .and C through G' as Penelope frantically wonders if she can get Gen to pull Prudence aside and Colin is contemplating which of his brothers he can bribe enough to have the 'So, women have multiple holes' discussion w/' Albion because he refuses to be the one to do it

meanwhile, Portia is out here making potions to try to get one of her daughters to have a baby because thus far, she's batting 0 for 3, and Polin's schemes somehow always end up in direct opposition to her schemes, thus canceling out each time

tell me that wouldn't be the funniest shit you've ever watched on this show

#polin #do i dare tag anything else? lmfao #this is kind of crack but also i desire it desperately #guess i have to write it #in particular i'm just imagining that albion-colin conversation as he gets more and more distressed #going 'what do you mean? WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?!?!' #portia out here with her teeth gritted like 'I'm going to kill Colin Bridgerton' (because he is the perma-thorn in her side) #as Penelope sips tea going 'please don't i like him too much' #neither of them realizing they're on the same side #but also Portia does NOT want it to be Polin because she's like 'good lord COLIN BRIDGERTON in charge of the estate??? he's too stubborn' #because really she's hoping it's Dankworth so she can still manipulate him and keep control #and Colin is out here hoping it is ANYONE BUT HIM because no he wants to fuck his beautiful wife in rolling fields of flowers and on beache #he loves babies but maybe they can wait until his wife isn't a literal teenager #portia and colin squabbling as penelope is there like 'you're. . .on the same side?' and they hiss going 'HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT!?'

[sea-owl]

What happens the next time Penelope, michael and Phillip drink?

Do they buy a boat?

The next shenanigans don't happen for a few years, but they do end up buying a zoo with Simon, Kate, and Sophie.

It was that time of year again when the Bridgertons gathered up all their children and went to visit Edmund's grave. The spouses give their Bridgertons the space needed for this time, and they all like each other. They're all friends. So they use this time to just hang out with one another.

Well, some drinks were made, tongues were loosened, and brains became foggy. At some point, Phillip got started talking passionately about conservation efforts for plants and animals. Michael and Penelope nod along. They know this speech by heart, sober or drunk.

Well, guess who happens to work at a conservation zoo as a vet that needs new owners. Kate comes up with the idea then Sophie runs the numbers each of the six of them need to provide. Simon works out the legalities and permits they would need. Penelope and Michael starts thinking of a marketing campaign they would need for it. Phillip, being the most knowledgeable along with Kate, about conservation helps there.

The next afternoon they wake up with an email congratulating them on their new zoo.

Well fuck. They certainly can't tell their Bridgertons, not right now. They'll wait until they get back or maybe a little bit longer so they can heal from the tiring trip.

In the meantime, they might as well go see their new zoo.

#bridgerton #this should be considered a crack post to the au #some people buy a limo or late night tv sale items #not them #they buy a whole zoo #crack post #accidental marriage #bridgerton spouses #simon basset #kate sharma #kate sheffield #sophie beckett #penelope featherington #phillip crane #michael stirling

[thekatebridgerton]

Forget getting carried away by passion and kissing their favorite Bridgerton behind the back of the person they are courting. That's so mainstream of Simon and Kate

The only real way to break up a courtship should be by publishing a love rival's secrets in the national press. And that's why Penelope is class apart in the courtship wrecker department. Penelope didn't even need to kiss Colin to get that job done. She didn't need to be near him at all. Homegirl was virtually staying out of his relationship when she wrecked it. And for that she's got my respect.

Even tho we could argue that Penelope's courtship wrecking was premeditated, unlike Simon and Kate's who just got carried away. I still prefer Penelope's style of doing things

(yes I'm joking, don't come at me with flames, too much Ariana Grande headlines have me feeling like taking a jab at a certain trope)

#crack #yes I'm joking #but come on #I'm starting to see a pattern in Bridgerton #polin #Kanthony #saphne #penelope featherington #kate sharma #simon basset