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ebaylee422 · 1 year

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Mending Our Home PT. 1

Dad!Steve Harrington X Mom!Reader

Author’s Note: We be needing more daddy Steve people. As well huge trigger warning for any of those who have struggled staying or getting pregnant. You are seen and heard and we should normalize talking about it. Because you are not alone! I have many other fics for you to read if this is too graphic. This is still a insert because it's an ongoing timeline, I have kinda started a series for Dad!Steve. So again, I'm thankful for those of you who do decide to read it and respect the ones who cannot!

Summary: Steve picks you up for work on a particularly hard day. Neither of you realized how much your life could change in just a few hours.

Characters: Steve, Reader, Teddy Harrington (oc child), Dr. Kerr (oc, readers doctor), Wayne, Joyce, Robin and the OG Posse of Nuggets.

Warnings/Tags: Graphic description of miscarriage!!!! I cannot say this more, do not read if you are triggered by hospitals, blood or anything of the type.

Word Count: 3.8k

Waiting on the dial tone as you called home, Steve was alone with Teddy. So you knew to wait and give him a few rings before trying your hand again.

“Yello, Harrington Residence! Teddy ‘member what we talked about when the phone rings?” You could hear the faint giggles and little voice respond ‘Yes, Daddy.’

“Hi babies, it’s me.” You responded, tired voice evident of your distress.

“Teddy go in the living room and get your stuffy.” Steve asks him with sicky sweetness a small distraction “Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Steve voice lowers his voice,

“I’m not feeling to well Stevie, boss let me off early. Could you come pick me up?”

“Yeah-yeah of course-. No not that stuffy the other one, we’re gonna go on a car ride to Nana and Pop-pop’s.” Shriek of Nana Joyce rung through the phone, splicing straight through your skull. “I’ll be there soon, just hold on for us. I’ll bring you home.”

“ ‘Mkay, love you. Don’t break any traffic laws.” You leaned against the cool metal of the phone box.

“I love you most. I’ll see you soon.” With that the dial-tone rang back and you set off to sit on the curb of the diner, waiting for your husband. He came not even 20 minutes after your phone call, parking job shoddy at the very least but all in one piece nonetheless. You stood slowly, Steve sprung out of the car opening the passenger door just shy before you could reach the handle. You leaned against him as he hugged you, arm limp at your side. Fatigue overtaking your body when you finally sat down in the car, mostly.

“You okay, Sweets?” Steve knelt down to eye level, putting his hand on along the roundness of your knees lovingly. You sighed, hunching over.

“I swear if this is the first trimester of pregnancy aches, I don’t think I could possibly give birth again without an assortment of drugs lined up at the ready.” You tried to joke, blowing a laugh out your nose. Which made Steve smile bright and big.

“Well unfortunately we burnt up the singular Russians lab years ago, so I can’t get you anything foreign.” You both laughed, “Have you eaten anything yet?”

“No, everything makes me want to puke my spleen out.” He got up and set your bag in the back, shuffling for something else behind the seat. You got the courage to swing each leg into the car. Leaning into the leather seats, it was pretty muggy outside. Steve’s head came into view again with antacid and water, along with a brownie he’d made the other night with Teddy. Dancing to Bob Segar’s greatest hits. You smiled taking the pill and the brownie, he opened the water bottle placing it between your thighs. He leaned over placing a kiss onto your forehead, unnecessarily aiding you with the seatbelt and gently closing the door before hopping in the driver's seat.

“Stevie, you shouldn’t be driving this late give me a minute. I was just scared to be by myself.”

“I’m fine, scouts honor.” You furrowed your brow at him, he was beat up so much in high school his vision and hearing is slightly impaired on one side. “I know the way home like the back of my hand, I’ve gotten used to the blurriness.” Hunger subsided but the pain slightly increased as he was driving home, something felt wrong. Pressing yours eyes shut to aid in the nausea, wringing your knuckles into the leather seats as waves crash over you they stopped with a sharp inhale.

“Hey what’s going on? Not sleeping already are we?” his eyes flickered between you and the road, placing a hand on top of your thigh. Shaking your head, realizing that probably wasn't the best idea as you fought not to get sick in Steve’s BMW. Not that it hadn’t happened before, you were both 21 for a whole year.

“I think I just over did it today, I bet a bath and definitely some sleep and cuddles will help. I’m all dizzy and cramping.” Groaning, pushing the back of your head into the cushion behind it. Holding his hand tightly, breathing through the cramps.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?” Steve asked, rubbing his thumb along your knuckles.

“It’s okay, just wanna go home and be comfortable.” You assured him as he turned to go home. When finally seeing the dim parking lot relief oozed for your shoulders as he pulled into the assigned spot. You unbuckled, he held tightly to you walking through the apartment complex, up the stairs to the apartment. Only letting go as he started a bath. Sitting on the edge of the already made bed slightly confused, everything was dizzy and blurry until Steve knelt down in front of you. Helping you to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet while the steam clouded the mirror.

“Okay, here I set everything up. If your okay being alone for a minute. I’m going downstairs to make some dinner quickly. I’ll check up on you, then we can go get Teddy from the Byers if you’re feeling better. Otherwise you know Joyce and Hop love the company now.” he kissed the top of your head closing the bathroom door behind him.

Beginning to undress, moving the water between your fingers to see how hot it was. Taking off the now ever tightening diner uniform, stopping at your underwear there was a small red spot. You’d had a rough birth with Teddy, your doctors weren’t concerned for later pregnancies. The cramps came over you once again distracting, nearly knocking the wind out of you. You quickly sunk deep into the rose scented waters, moving your hands through your wet hair. Beginning to massage your abdomen, it was extremely hard, the pressure was unbearable. Then white shocks of pain started flowing through your center, twisting relentlessly. You groaned and thrashed slightly in the water, you couldn’t catch your breath. There was burning going down your legs, you opened your shut eyes to see the water turned a bright red. You yelled for Steve in shock, pain and so many other things bottled up inside. Hyperventilating, when the door crashed open you were barely able to keep your eyes open as Steve rushed to you. Diving over your frame, lifting you out of the water and a towel wrapping around you. You saw lights flickering to and from each eye, small pinches in your arms. Darkness came over your consciousness, pain subsided. Waves of movement and lights came about once in a while, as well as voices. Several voices through time and time again, until you opened your eyes to strange surroundings. Waking up from a really good nap, taking in your surroundings; beeping of monitors, extremely bright lights, a sickly clean smell with a mix of sale metal. Moving just your eyes around you could tell it was a hospital, there was warmth to your left hand. You dizzily tried to move your head to look over, Steve had one hand in yours while the rest of himself was toppled over leaning on the other propped up by his legs. Rubbing and scratching at his scalp,

"Stevie?" You said just above a whisper, his eyes met yours. He jumped forward on his feet, leaning over the bed.

“Baby? Oh my god,” he brushed your hair from your face, endlessly kissing everywhere. Feather light kisses on your hand, cheek, temple, jaw and forehead, “I thought I wouldn’t see those beautiful eyes soon enough, Jesus Christ,” he pressed a button on the wall and a faint red light flickered. You yawned with a dry mouth, suddenly aware you are hooked up to the beeping machines. Along with an IV and Blood bag, there was also something taped to your leg. You shifted trying to sit up comfortably when an extremely tall older man pushed the curtain open.

"Woah, hold on there Mrs. Harrington. You're quite freshly out of the ER. I'm an anesthesiologist, just checking you feel alright before I get Dr. Kerr. Any confusion, chills or feelings of vomiting?” you shook your head, feeling some drowsiness but overall not terrible.

“Great, and any pain I should alert your charge Nurse of?” you shook your head again, moving your taped up hand over your stomach feeling excessive fabric there. You looked at Steve who held tension in his eyes, “alright well, I wish you a speedy recovery ma’am, I’ll let my colleague know you’re ready.” the man wrote something on the clipboard, before walking out and shutting the curtains again.

“Hey, you’re here. That’s the only thing that matters-” Steve started.

“What happened? Is the baby okay?” you asked him scared, his face contorted with pain. Sitting back down pulling his tiny chair closer, hanging his head in shame. Red, all I saw was red. Those words were so similar to ones said to you, what seemed like a lifetime ago. They rang through you like a séance but desired something else this time, you felt Steve’s other arm reach up holding yours fully in place. He was shaking before he came up for air,

“I’m sorry Sweetheart, there’s nothing I could do. I-” The curtain ripped out to reveal a stout man your primary doctor and a even tinier woman full of gusto. Who you knew to be Dr. Kerr and a probable Nurse,

“Evening Mr. and Mrs. Harrington. Just wanted to give you a final diagnosis as well as some time for us to discuss after care.” Steve wiped his face, you looked at the wrinkles in the curtain. Dazed with all the drugs you were probably on, everything felt dry. You didn’t even realize you were smacking your lips until a cup appeared in front of you. It was ice chips with a spoon added to the top, the woman handing it to you nodded before stepping back behind where Dr. Kerr had sat across from Steve. “Mrs. Harrington, do you remember much?” you shook your head in response, Steve reached out to hold the cup as your free hand scooped up ice slowly. The cold crunch sent a shiver down your spine, a hand still tangled with Steve’s rings rolling against each other. “Then please know that I’m giving you the facts and that it may indeed be hard to hear.” you took another scoopful, making short eye contact with Steve before putting the spoon back into the cup. "We weren't able to save the baby, it was an ectopic pregnancy. Have you heard of them before?” You shook your head. “It was the main cause of the abdominal hemorrhage or severe bleeding, so you unfortunately miscarried…” You swallowed hard, looking at Dr. Kerr for the first time since giving birth to Teddy. His eyes were a dark blue, rich with knowledge and no doubt pain. You felt your heart grow heavy, breathing then swallowing. Repeating the word over and over again.

“Miscarried.” You said out loud, out of body only stating it as he did without hesitation.

“Yes, there would have been no way to save it. It's very important that you know it's not your fault, as well the risks moving forward fertility wise are concerning but always possible." You felt so many things at once; numb, angry, relieved more than anything from the pain. Steve’s voice churned you from your thoughts,

"Why's that?" Steve asked, holding your hand a bit closer to his chest.

"More often than not after one ectopic miscarriage, the risk for another one is extremely high. About 1 in every 10 women, which is more than a simple miscarriage. As well, since we did have to expel the rest of the fetus. We have no way to measure fertility until the future, it determines how suitable the uterus will be unless we simply try other means of procreation. Those I'm afraid are very expensive but worth the health and wellness of your partner. If you wish to continue to have a child once she’s healed, you're both fairly young. There will be plenty of time for you Mrs. Harrington." Your heart was shattering, tear slipping into the collar over your starchy hospital gown, Steve pinched his nose sniffling with you.

"I would like to keep you here for at least 24 hours if that's alright, you may stay with her unless they run a test or scan Mr. Harrington. Otherwise, you'll be shown some exercises by physical therapist to prevent blood clots. To just give us more peace of mind that you will not hemorrhage again. Since the blood loss was towards the extreme as well as the circumstances. I do not want to take any chances, despite how much I enjoy your family.” Looking at Dr. Kerr you gave him a hopeful smile, “You'll be moved into a private room shortly for the remainder of your stay, I have walks scheduled every four hours for you to do with a Medical Assistant. Until they clear you from a one person assist, please do not try to do much but the assigned walking and of course eating in an hour would be fine. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight or questions that you have?" He reached out holding your shoulder comfortingly, like a father figure would.

“No.” You shook your head, tears hadn't stopped since he entered but your breath finally catching when you spoke clued the other into your own misery, guilt swarming between all of you.

“Our family is in the lobby, when can they see her?” Steve asks for you, you look up from the curtain across the walls to his face. His eyes, red, heavy with dark circles and so swollen, lips dry and his hair a mess. He looked so young next to you, you were both so young barely 25.

“As soon as she is completely aware from the general anesthesia, and moved to the private room. However, now that she is awake I will need you to step outside into the hall Mr. Harrington.” You shoot your eyes to the doctor.

“Why?” you ask, your voice is so quiet and hoarse.

“Just a precaution while my nurse asks you a series of questions. Because of how tragic the event was we just need to ensure somethings.” You start to speak, but Steve squeezes your hands.

“It’s okay, Sweets. They probably just, just want to confirm my story. I’ll be right in the hall waiting for them to be done.” Steve stands from the chair pulled next to your bed, and places your hand on the side of the bed before walking out with the doctor. You finally notice Steve is in light brown scrubs, they open the curtain where dozen of others are either alone or holding their sick loved ones.

“Oh I almost forgot, sorry it’s my on-call night. But healing should be about 2 to 4 weeks, so nothing should be inserted into your body after they remove the catheter.” You curtly nodded at him again as Steve walked with him shaking Dr. Kerr’s hand. Shortly after a tall dark skinned woman in dark blue scrubs comes over and closes the curtain.

“Hello Mrs. Harrington, I’m Nurse Maywood. I need to ask you a series of questions, are you alright with that?”

“Yes, ma’am.” She moves to the foot of your bed so you don’t have to strain to see her.

“Alright I need you to answer as truthfully as possible each time. First one, how are things going at home?” You almost laugh, until her raised eyebrow shows signs of extreme seriousness.

“We’ve been working a lot, both my husband and I. While taking care of our young son, until tonight things have been blissful.”

“Has any of yours or Mr. Harrington’s behavior's changed due to this pregnancy?”

“No.” Her brow raised again, (blanking) you to continue. “I’m sorry, is Steve in trouble?”

“Mrs. Harrington we just want to ensure your health and safety.”

“Steve is a wonderful husband and father, he picked me up when I started having pain tonight despite taking care of our son as well. He has never emotionally or physically hurt me or my child.”

“That’s enough for me, Ms. I am truly sorry for your loss, and do recommend postpartum therapy for all women I see. You are not alone.”

“Yes, I appreciate the gesture. I just need my family now.” She smiles, respectfully leaving bringing Steve to you again. Followed by more Nurses in scrub but the original pitete Nurse from Dr. Kerr.

“Hey, you needed me? Did everything go okay?” you nod at him, with a somber smile. The two people look at your chart, one walks away before one begins to speak to you.

“Y/N Harrington? We’re about to move you to a private room now, if you just step aside for a minute Mr. Harrington.” You push yourself up on the pillow a little, still extremely numb in your abdomen. The woman comes back with a large wheelchair, then takes your IV and other monitors and puts them on the tall pole attached to the back of the chair. Steve pats your head and moves out of their way, the man who spoke to you draws the curtain. They both put on gloves, Steve staying by your head as they removed your catheter. Running his hand through your hair, soothingly. They wiped everything, before coming back up to speak to you.

“Alright honey, we're going to do a two person assist to get you into the wheelchair. Since you're still quite numb and drowsy, each of us is going to take hold of the support under you, you’ll sit up completely, she’ll move your legs off the side of the bed while I hold you upright. Then we’ll use a belt above your sternum and pivot you to the wheelchair. Sound like a plan?” You nod and do exactly as they instruct, to their surprise you have more strength than they thought. “Thanks Shelby. Alright Mr. Harrington if you’ll just follow us.” it’s quite a way before he carts you into a room. The belt still strapped to your chest he pivots and assists you into the bed by himself while Steve watches from the foot of the bed. The man leaves you two alone, closing the door behind him. Steve doesn’t move, until you reach your hand out to him. He forces a smile, walking around and grabbing it with both hands. You pat the side of the bed, and try to scootch over making room for him.

“Hey, hey. I don’t want you hurting yourself, careful.” He stops your hips,

“I just want you to hold me,” you say innocently through your lashes, Steve instantly melts. Putting his arms under your legs and behind your back moving you over just enough that he can lay sideways next to you. You have to lay on your back but it doesn’t mean you can’t turn your face to his. You brush the hair away from his eyes, caressing the side of his face, he sighs as his heavy eyes close.

“We should let them know you're awake,” he whispers to you, eyes closed. Holding the forearm caressing his face, the other had the IVs still attached so you kept it against your midsection. His free arm draped across your lap, below.

“We should get some sleep first, where’s Teddy?” he props his head on his hand with his elbow flush against the bed, trying to avoid sleep.

“He’s with Aunt Robin and Dustin at home. So just Joyce and Hopper. Nancy and Jonathan have been keeping the others updated. Everyone went to the Wheelers to wait for news.” he yawns huge at the word news.

“So you haven’t slept for like, over 36 hours?” he shrugged.

“I was terrified, Robin kept me updated on Teddy I was able to say goodnight to him. He-he doesn’t know yet, I didn’t know what to say. I don’t think-”

“Steve, one thing at a time. You need to sleep. It’s okay we’ll figure it out, this is not good for you.” he groaned neck cracking as he rolled off the bed.

“And I will, but first. I’m going to go get them and get us some refreshments and gross hospital food.” grabbing his wallet from the front of his brown scrub pants. “Also Joyce brought clothes for us and these are a little ripe.” He pulls at the collar of his scrubs, and grabs the call button clipping it to your pillow. “I’ll be right back, promise.” You take hold of the hand he was using and press the side of your face with it.

“I would kiss it but we’re in a hospital, and I don’t know when you last washed them.”

“Yeah that’s fair,” He leans down leaving you with the impression of his kiss on your temple and thoughts. Caressing the side of your face before walking out the door. After a minute of contemplating you pull the sheet down and slowly bring the nightgown up. You of course weren’t wearing anything except this thin gown, ribbed gray socks and a ginormous diaper they slipped on after removing the catheter. Holding your mouth to quiet the sobs, you needed to calm down before they came back. They were all already so worried about you, so much you can’t imagine how Steve was still standing. You let your mind wander until feeling like you had to go to the bathroom, it hurt to let it sit in your bladder so you pressed the call button. After a few moments there was a knock on the door, someone announced themselves before entering, “Hello, Mrs. Harrington, what can I help you with?”

“Am I allowed to use the restroom with assistance or do-do I have to pee myself?” You asked quietly,

“Great question, if you're uncomfortable standing right now. You can most definitely use the alternative, but it is good to start moving right away. Just like you normally would postpartum.” She helped you use the restroom, changing the pull up as you continued to bleed. She assured you, it will likely occur for a couple days until your hormones balance again. There was a small shower and everything in this room, you were probably in Labor and Delivery now. You were able to wash your hands and wipe your face off a bit, before leaving she helped you to an upright position in the bed and got you some ice chips. It took about 15 minutes total. She made you feel more human. Instead of overwhelming you with information she was making you as comfortable as possible. Knocks clambered the door, opening to reveal your family. The answer to salvation in the darkest of times.

Masterlist

Part Two

#dad!steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington #dad!steve harrington x mom!reader #angst #reader insert #stranger things #no minors allowed

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lazarushound · 2 months

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The Official lazarushound Dean Winchester Playlist

Okay so this playlist is a big deal to literally no one except me but I spent like two hours explaining every single song on my dean playlist and I'll be damned if I don't share it with SOMEONE.

The playlist in question, which I update and add songs too fairly often(ish). It's roughly arranged in order of Dean's story, from pre-canon to the finale. A fair few of the songs are courtesy of catgirlhannibal, whom I adore.

Warning that is is a VERY LONG READ and almost definitely is plagued with typos. Without further ado, here is the 9.5k word explanation of every single song (at time of posting) on the playlist. Call that shit explicable Dean Winchester vibes, complete with my favourite lyrics from each song.

• Ramble On - Led Zeppelin

Dean's favourite song! The whole song is basically about having no choice but to keep going, even when things are tough. It's also actually about LOTR which is funny cause Dean's secretly a nerd lol. But yeah, it reflects a lot on Dean's nature as a traveller and someone who never settles in one place for long. Sometimes I grow so tired but I know I've got one thing I've got to do - I ramble on.

• Travelling Riverside Blues - Led Zeppelin

Dean's other favourite song! Probably not a popular reading of this song but for me, it definitely has a level of queer coding. Asked sweet mama, let me be your kid, she said "you might get hurt if you don't keep it hid" is the most obvious example of it.

• Psalms 40:2 - The Mountain Goats

Very biblical song lol. It's a lot about small town America (as many TMG songs are) and shitty motels which resonates with Dean pretty heavily. Not to mention: He has raised me from the pit and set me high.

• Night Moves - Bob Segar

This one is literally in the show so naturally reminds me of him. But it's about a teenage romance which definitely makes me think of young Dean. I mean, come on: out in the backseat of my '60 Chevy when the man drives a '67 Chevy??

• Father - The Front Bottoms

A few songs on this playlist are pretty much only there for one or two lines. This is not one of them. I could write another essay about this song and how it relates to Dean, every fucking line. You were high school, and I was just more like real life, and you were okay as a girlfriend, but I was just more like his wife 😮‍💨

• Old Number Seven - The Devil Makes Three

This is another song I'm pretty convinced was written about Dean. Once played it on guitar and my dad asked if it was about him so that's all the validation I needed. Angels start to look good to me, they're gonna have to deport me to the fiery deep.

• Mission - Alex G

This song to me is very much pre canon/season one Dean. It's all about following orders and being a good soldier, much like Dean's devotion to his father. I was trained to stick to the mission, I was trained, I kept it on track. To me, Mission has a slightly bitter tone, as though the narrator is resentful that they've followed orders so obediently and only suffered as a result.

• Adam Raised a Cain - Bruce Springsteen

Courtesy of catgirlhannibal. What a surprise, another biblical song. Dean sees himself as nothing more than a soldier, violent and aggressive. He sees his father as a hero, despite the fact that he's an abusive bastard. Well, daddy worked his whole life for nothing but pain, now he walks these empty rooms looking for something to blame.

• Shoulders - Big Thief

Okay, I'd argue this song is more akin to Sam than Dean but fuck you, this is my playlist and I choose the music. And the blood of the man who killed my mother with his hands, it's in me, it's in me, in my veins is obviously related to Sam and Azazel but also to Dean and John, as though Dean comes to realise that he's just like his father.

• Celene - Gigi Perez

End of season two! This song is about losing a sibling and is very much the mindset I pictured Dean to be in after losing Sam for the first time. I'd also argue it's how Dean felt when Sam was at Stanford. The other day I thought of something funny, but no one would have laughed but you.

• Like Real People Do - Hozier

Why were you digging? What did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth? HELLOOO CASTIEL! Very season four Destiel, those boys will NOT kiss like real people do.

• It's Only Sex - Car Seat Headrest

Okay so post-resurrection Dean is VERRRRRY traumatised which makes it difficult for him to enjoy the things he used to love, including sex. This song is also about his struggle over his feelings for Cas: what happens if I don't like it? I like you.

• Not Allowed - TV Girl

Well, you may not like it but you better learn how cause it's your turn now! Very much following on from It's Only Sex, similar themes in this song but more relating to Dean's insistence on keeping up The Act and pretending he's the same man he was before Hell.

• Presumably Dead Arm - Sidney Gish

Second catgirlhannibal song to make the list. Just to start this off, this isn't the start of anything. To me, this whole song is Dean skirting around his feelings for Cas and trying to pretend they don't exist in hopes they go away eventually. They don't. Honey, you are nothing to me, (but alcohol and dopamine)/(I don't call people anything thought to be so sweet).

• Tangled in Ropes - Holy Locust

I literally wrote a whole essay about this one so I'll keep it short with just the best lyric. Had a laugh made of wax, house made of butter, how they melted that summer.

• Hate Yourself - TV Girl

If there's one thing we've learned about Dean Winchester, it's that the man loves to use sex as a means to avoid his problems. How long will it take? Before you start to hate yourself and go straight into the arms of someone else is just straight up Dean struggling to give himself time to grieve and overcome his trauma. He'd rather just hookup with someone else and pretend it doesn't make him hate himself more and more every time.

• Cherry Wine - Hozier

See: my whole essay about this song and Destiel. And it's worth it, it's divine, I have this some of the time.

• Body to Flame - Lucy Dacus

Another catgirlhannibal song! I see you holding your breath with your arms outstretched, waiting for someone to come rip open your chest. This song to me feels like Dean kicking himself for every trusting Cas, after Cas betrays him for the first time. To accept Cas as his family was going against his every instinct to close himself off from outsiders, and Cas just proved him right by betraying him.

• Motion Sickness - Phoebe Bridges

Okay this one is basically just for I hate you for what you did, and I miss you like a little kid lol. It just perfectly encapsulates Dean, bitter and resentful towards Cas whilst simultaneously missing him so much his heart aches.

• I'm Your Man - Mitski

Oh, woof. Continuing the betrayal arc, this song is all about Dean's guilt. It's his fault Cas fell from Heaven, his fault this angel isn't holy anymore. I'm sorry I'm the one you love, no one will ever love me like you again.

• Not Strong Enough - Boygenius

Where do I start? Always an angel, never a god 😮‍💨 I think if you played this song to Dean it would break him a little bit. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM!!!

• Legit Tattoo Gun - The Front Bottoms

I was aware of this song but catgirlhannibal brought to my attention that it's Destiel coded 🧐 Who did I think I was? Who did I think that I could be? Oh, how dare me. Dean just kicking himself for ever thinking he could allow himself to have something with Cas.

• SHALLOW (PPL SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER) - Saya Gray

Okay, this one is a bit of a "hear me out." I'm seeing Mother Mary, she says I'm closer to Hell than the clouds are to Heaven. Dean's mother is called Mary so she's LITERALLY Mother Mary which scratches my brain very nicely. Obviously Dean sees himself as a sinner and doomed for Hell, despite the fact that he's a hero. And I left my enemies, cause nobody hates myself more than me, GOOD LORD DOES THAT MAN LOVE SOME SELF LOATHING. My mother's evil and the angels too is soooooo self explanatory. Dean has an idealistic version of Mary in his head which is challenged when she comes back to life and he interacts with her as an adult. There's also the fact that real angels aren't as "good" as you'd think. Sometimes I don't think I'm cherished enough.

• John Wayne Gacy, Jr. - Sufjan Stevens

This song is an allegory for being gay. The narrator sees himself as evil, just as bad as the serial killer for which the song is named, just because he's gay. And in my best behaviour, I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.

• Always - Panic! At the Disco

Another one that is less obvious without me explaining it lol. The light in this song is a reference to the Great Gatsby which is a whole other queer coded story in its own right. But I always (hehe) picture this song as Dean struggling with Cas' feelings for him which are becoming more and more evident. It was always you falling for me particularly stands out to me, along with you are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card.

• Star Tripping - Kevin Atwater

Okay I looooooove love this song. But it's another song which relates to God and being queer. It's about a very toxic relationship, in which one person is relatively okay with their sexuality and the other is incredibly repressed (seem familiar?). I could use any lyric from this song but I'll go with: you think He made you wrong, I think you're giving Him way too much credit, crying at the party, know it only bothers you if you let it, later you can kiss me, blame it on the stuff you took to forget it.

• The Calendar - Panic! At The Disco

Another Panic! song 💀 also from vices and virtues. Another "hear me out." There's the more obvious I will come back to life but only for you but I also think the rest of the song relates pretty strongly to Destiel. You said if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat you away, I'd rather be a cannibal baby, animals like me don't talk anyway. For me, it strongly resembles Dean's view of himself, an attack dog. Cannibalism as a metaphor for love. And obviously that man loves to repress stuff and let it eat him away, so to speak.

• Lacy - Olivia Rodrigo

Lawd. This song has a lot of queer subtext in and of itself. It's all about adoring someone to the point where you become insecure because you know you'll never be as good as them. The song is bitter and resentful whilst simultaneously loving and adoring. I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you, yeah I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you. He hates himself because he loves Cas. HE HATES HIMSELF BECAUSE HE LOVES CAS.

• Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Dean does not let himself have nice things. Lord knows, it would be the first time. This song feels pretty self explanatory to me lol.

• Feeling Oblivion - Turin Brakes

Okay this is my favourite song of all time so I'm slightly biased for including it HOWEVER. I feel it also applies to Dean pretty well. We're now at the point in the story where Dean is about to/has already lost Cas. This song invokes an incredibly deep feeling of nostalgia for me, like looking back on when things were better. Now it is night time, maybe we're cruising avoiding the anti-cruise, like tell me this isn't Dean and Cas just driving around Kansas cause Dean can't sleep 😭 and don't even get me fucking started on so don't leave me here on my own, by the time fear takes me over, will we still be rolling? Feeling oblivion cause this song makes me cry every time I hear it I stg.

• Who We Are - Hozier

Poor Dean :( bro has just lost his best friend, and is now realising that he'll never be able to tell him how he felt. It's like he's seeing things plainly for the first time, realising what he's been missing. He never had Cas because they spent so long avoiding their relationship, and now it's too late. You only feel it when it's lost, getting through still has its cost, quietly, it slips through your fingers, love, falling from you drop by drop.

• Crack Baby - Mitski

I don't know if I really need to say more than: crack baby, you don't know what you want, but you know that you had it once, and you know that you want it back.

• Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

This is another song that's in the show (dark side of the moon, I love you) so naturally reminds me of Dean. It might be a bit on the nose putting it right at the end but it just feels like Dean finally letting himself rest (die of tetanus). Mama, put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore.

#supernatural #cw supernatural #spn #dean winchester #castiel #deancas #dean and cas #destiel #spotify playlist #character playlist #playlist

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