#being disabled on tumblr can be fucking awful sometimes. might take a break for a while bc i just don't have the energy to deal with it

[swordsonnet]

i'm sorry but i don't think we should call this the "autism website" when there's still posts with tons of notes mocking people who:

struggle with social skills / have anxiety around social settings

are unemployed / unable to work certain jobs

have intense or "age-inappropriate" interests

haven't had certain life experiences that are deemed universal/essential

struggle with personal hygiene

don't have any friends or dating experience

don't go outside much or at all

take things literally / don't get sarcasm/jokes

have unusual ways of speaking

generally aren't "normal"

#+ other things i'm probably forgetting rn #i know most of these apply to other disabilities too but i wanted to focus on autism bc of all the 'autism website' stuff #it's genuinely disturbing to see someone go 'lol autism website' #and then in the next breath be like 'omg look at this loser who [literal symptom of autism]' #but i guess when these people talk about autism they don't mean actual autism #but the tiktok style 'just a bit quirky but still able to assimilate into abled hegemony with ease' autism #i'm just tired of the hypocrisy #autism acceptance month is over now it's time for autism wrath month #being disabled on tumblr can be fucking awful sometimes. might take a break for a while bc i just don't have the energy to deal with it #autism #actually autistic #actuallyautistic

[qqueenofhades]

I was already distressed about the political and social situation in the US, and then this happens. Are there any examples of societies that fought back against fascism and won, without civil or international war breaking out? Surely there must be some success stories in history. How did other societies overcome fascism, are there lessons to be applied to our current situation? Please tell me we're not doomed, because I have no hope for the future.

Sigh.

Okay.

I’ve been through... a lot of the stages of grief by now. That is, rageposting on tumblr, venting to my friends via text, drinking, crying while drinking, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, feeling the crushing weight of certainty that we’re all screwed and nothing matters, crying while talking to my sister, crying generally, lying in bed some more, and am currently still in bed while writing this, but am struggling to put on my internet historian aunt hat and offer some comfort to the stricken masses.

First off: This is bad. I’m not even going to pretend this isn’t bad. We all knew RBG had cancer again, but it was pretty fixed in our minds that she would somehow manage to hang on until after the election. 45 days before the biggest presidential election of all time, in the middle of this year, when names including Ted “Zodiac Killer” Cruz and Tom “Time for Roe vs. Wade to go, block federal funding from being used to teach about slavery, send in the military to crush the BLM protesters” Cotton have already been floated as some of her possible replacements? With Trump and McConnell determined to work as fast as possible to steal this seat as brazenly as they can, because they are literal fascists who don’t care about their own example (Merrick Garland was nominated in FEBRUARY of an election year and McConnell held it up for being “too close to the election?”)

Ugh. Anyone who doesn’t get that this is bad or acting like people are overreacting doesn’t get what’s at stake. And when, as we’ve said before and are saying again now, the future of everyone who isn’t a white straight rich Republican man in this country depends on an 87-year-old woman with cancer for the fourth time? Something’s wrong here. RBG’s death did not have to leave us in this total existential panic, and oh yeah, maybe this could have ALL BEEN AVOIDED AND WE COULD HAVE ALSO HAD THREE (3) NEW LIBERAL JUSTICES SECURING PROGRESSIVE LEGISLATION FOR A GENERATION IF SOME OF YOU HAD JUST FUCKING VOTED FOR HILLARY CLINTON IN TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING SIXTEEN.

(Why yes I am still mad about that, I will be bitter until the end of time that we were consigned to four years and counting of this completely avoidable nightmare because of apathy, misogyny, and Leftist Moral Purity TM, but we’re talking about the future and what can still be done here, not what’s in the past.)

Anyway. Here’s the bright side, which admittedly sucks right now, but it’s been the answer all long:

VOTE.

You have to fucking vote, and you have to fucking vote for Biden/Harris. Everything that we’ve been talking about is no longer a hypothetical; it’s happening right now. This is not just some Awful Worst Case scenario, and it’s not somehow being spouted by privileged white liberals ignoring the struggles of the masses. (Viz: that awful fucking text post with its simpering self-righteousness: “are you punching nazis or just telling oppressed people to vote blue?” I hate that text post with a fiery passion and it’s the exact kind of morally holier than thou leftist propaganda that wouldn’t surprise me if it was generated by a troll farm in Krasnoyarsk.) My dad is disabled and lives on Social Security. Trump’s second-term plan to end the payroll tax takes SSID out by mid-2021, so... I guess that’s my dad fucked then. I’m a gay woman with long-term mental illness, no healthcare, no savings, no current job, and a lot of student debt. My sister has complex health problems and relies intensely on publicly funded healthcare programs. All my family have underlying conditions that would put them at worse risk for COVID (age, asthma, immune issues.) These are just the people IN MY HOUSEHOLD who would be at risk from a second Trump presidency. It says NOTHING about my friends, about all the people far less fortunate than us, and everyone else who IS ALREADY DYING as this nation lurches into full-blown fascism. That is real. It is happening.

Here’s the good news and what you can do:

Democrats are fired up and mad as hell, and they’ve already donated $31 million between the announcement of RBG’s death last night and today, and that number is climbing every second.

You can help by donating to Get Mitch or Die Trying, which splits your donation 13 ways between the Democrats challenging the most vulnerable Republican seats in the Senate. That also has raised EIGHT MILLION BUCKS in the less-than-twenty-four hours.

You can donate RIGHT NOW to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, vote if your state offers early voting, request your mail-in ballot, or hound everyone you know to ensure that they’re registered.

You can call your US Senators (look up who they are for your state, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE REPUBLICAN OR YOU LIVE IN A SWING STATE OR ARE UP FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2020) and phone the Capitol switchboard at 202-224-3121 to voice your insistence that they respect RBG’s last wishes and refuse to vote on any Trump nominee until after January 2021.

The other good-ish news is that I woke up to an email from the Biden campaign this morning about how they’re well aware of this and they’re already on it. BUT WE CANNOT COUNT ON EITHER THEM OR THE SENATE DEMOCRATS TO BE ABLE TO STOP IT. Because Joe Biden is not president and the Senate Democrats do not have a majority, if the Republicans manage to rush a nominee and a vote and all 52 GOP senators vote for that nominee, hey presto, tyranny by majority, a SECOND stolen Supreme Court seat, and a 6-3 hard conservative majority for the next generation. Even if Roberts or Gorsuch sometimes defect on procedural grounds, Kagan, Sotomayor, and Breyer (who is also 82 and thus ALSO might soon be replaceable, thus resulting in an EVEN WORSE ideological swing) would be outnumbered on everything. This is terrible. I’m not even gonna pretend it wouldn’t be.

BUT:

If Joe Biden is elected with a Democratic Senate and House, IT MATTERS. It gets us off the fascism track, it gives us the ability to make progressive law and have it enacted without going to die in Mitch McConnell’s Kill Stack, it gives Biden the executive authority to nominate liberal judges and change Trump’s worst outrages on day 1, it stands as a huge example of a nation managing to reject fascism by democratic process, and while yes, we’d still have a terribly rigged Supreme Court, Democrats would control all the other branches of government and be able to put safeguards in place. The other option is outright fascism and the end of American democracy for good. This may sound alarmist. It’s not. It’s literally what the situation has ended up as, as all of us who were begging people to vote for HRC in 2016 saw coming all along.

So yes. That’s what you need to do, and what WE need to do. We need to make as much goddamn noise as possible, protest, contact elected representatives, make sure everybody pulls their weight and ferociously fights the promised attempt to ram through a new justice before Election Day, all that. But even if that does happen, THEN WE NEED TO FUCKING DONATE, ORGANIZE, AND VOTE FOR JOE BIDEN AND DEMOCRATS UP AND DOWN THE BALLOT. ALL OF US. NO EXCUSES. NO MORE TWITTER LEFTIST ECHO CHAMBERS. NO MORE. THEN, EVEN WITH A RIGGED SUPREME COURT, WE WILL ALL BE SAFER ON NOVEMBER 4TH AND CAN TRY TO FIX WHAT’S BROKEN.

The stakes are just too high to do anything else.

May her memory be a blessing, and a revolution.

#politics for ts #bury me in a mountain of salt #then vote #the end #humoristhefirstcasualty #ask

[lastoneout]

So I keep telling myself I’m not gonna talk about this anymore but it’s late and I’m salty and I figure this would be a good learning opportunity for everyone anyway so whatever. 

I keep seeing people commenting on how the Delpad Week prompt list getting stolen and vandalized doesn’t count as art theft because I guess technically I didn’t “draw” anything while making it. And I feel like this is coming down to people just not understanding the work that goes into graphic design? (I mean I assume some of it is just people wanting to make excuses for doing something horrible but w/e I had my panic attacks I’m over it.) So since we do live in an age where people still devalue graphic design and other computer-based art forms I thought would break down all of the steps that I took when designing the prompt list, as well as the icons and banners for Delpad Week. 

(And as a quick disclaimer there were probably easier ways to do some of the things I’m gonna list but I am still learning and I had never really used Clip Studio Paint before. I am an amateur, be patient with me.)

Step One - Picking Fonts!

Now this one might have come down to me just being picky, but I had a pretty clear idea in my head of what I wanted the “logo” to look like so after opening Clip and determining that NONE of the default fonts came anywhere close to what I was looking for I went to dafont.com and spent like...god I want to say close to an hour browsing the free fonts until I found a 5-10 options I liked.

I then had to extract and install all of the files onto my pc and make sure they worked, which is easy, but still took time.

Then I typed out what I wanted the logo to say using all of the different fonts to see what they looked like and what they looked like next to each other. See it’s a good idea to compliment fancy serif fonts with simple sans serif ones so I needed to pick a fancy one for the “Delpad Week” text and then a simple one for the prompts and dates and such.

Step Two - COLORS!

After I picked the two fonts I wanted to use I had to pick out the colors for the poster and the text. I took the colors for the “Delpad Week” logo itself from a pic of the Sun Chaser/Cloud Slayer I found, both the usual red and then the darker shadow. Which, once again, there HAS to be an easier way to do this but I typed the words out twice in both colors and painstakingly layered them over each other in just the right way to get the “drop shadow” effect I wanted. 

Then I picked a nice light black for the rest of the text that I think I took from the line art on a screen cap I found? Either way it looked better than true black. And took time to find.

And of course I needed to find a good blue for the background which took a bit cuz it needed to match everything else.

Step Three - Sizing! 

I had to look up all of the different recommended photo dimensions for tumblr and twitter icons, headers, posts, ect to make sure the damn things wouldn’t look wonky once I uploaded them.

Oh and since Clip is weird I did actually have to do that typing/layering thing on EACH NEW PICTURE I made. Which making sure they all looked the same sure was FUCKING HARD and took hours!

And my friend took the time to make the transparent Della and LP for the banners and I had to resize and center them on each pic. And I had to find and size/position the clouds and transparent Sun Chaser/Cloud Slayer too. 

Step 4 - Putting It All Together!

Imo this one is the hardest since Clip doesn’t have alignment tools and even if it did sometimes due to fonts and art and such being the way they are true center doesn’t actually LOOK centered to the human eye so there’s a lot of fiddling around with the text and pics to make it look as close as possible to center which starts to kinda numb your mind after a while. Lots of taking breaks and coming back to it to make sure it looked okay.

And of course typing all of the prompts out and making sure the fonts actually do look okay and everything is spelled right and spaced correctly. I have dyslexia, I double check spelling, sue me.

So once you finally think that everything looks okay you get to go upload it to different sites to make sure the icons and such don’t look blurry or get cropped weird and then inevitably go back and move everything around again or in some cases remake them entirely(the deviantART icon took like two re-makes to get right) when they do. Shit takes time, yo.

That might not seem like a lot but let me stress that I made the prompt list poster, the tumblr icon and banner, the twitter icon and banner, the deviantART club icon, and the other banners for things like updates and such. Which all and all took the better part of TWO FUCKING DAYS. 

And that’s not even mentioning the time it took to find a good tumblr theme and set it up and put together the DA club and the twitter account, as well as documenting all of the prompt suggestions and making sure I picked ones that were vague enough to allow for creativity as well as represented what everyone wanted, plus deciding on/writing out all of the rules including the ones for different sites. All of which, aside from some help here and there from friends, I did by myself. For free.

I’m not complaining. I am having a blast running Delpad Week, and making all of this was frustrating but fun. I love graphic design, I wanted to do my best, hell I even got input from my godfather who is a graphic designer on some of the banners just to make sure everything was as high a quality as it could be. And you know what? I was really, really proud of that prompt list. I have been stuck at home disabled for about a year now in awful pain most of the time and only just getting back into drawing and graphic design and I was super happy with how everything came out. I wanted people to see it, I wanted to give Delpad fans a beautiful blog and prompt list to look at after everything we have been through. And not to toot my own horn but I think I delivered. 

So considering all of that you can see why having someone steal the banner, deface it with horrible and triggering content was so horribly upsetting to me. Aside from how defacing something a queer woman worked hard on with words like “burning a pride flag” is abhorrent and drove me to tears and panic attacks, how would you guys feel if someone took something you worked on for two days and shat all over it for a cheap joke? Especially when the only thing you did wrong was want to give a good, cute ship some attention. 

Graphic Design is an art. Taking someone’s unique design, vandalizing it, and then reposting it IS ART THEFT. Just because it took you 10 minutes to open the pic up, color over the original text and use a crappy font to add in your own prompts doesn’t mean making the thing in the first place was that easy. (And again, I’m not complaining about the time and the work. I’m having fun. I love graphic design. If I didn’t want to do this I wouldn’t have.)

But anyway, like I said, I’m trying to not let it bother me anymore. People have apologized and that’s good. But hopefully this breakdown can help you guys appreciate the work that goes into graphic design and be a bit more courteous to the people who do that work, especially for free. 

#long post #fandom discourse #ducktales discourse #fandom wank

[fleetofshippyships-archive]

Fanfic Author Meme

Tagged by @diligent-thunder and @rockmarina​ =)

Okay, so I’m me, and I talked way too much, so I’m putting this under a cut to save your dashes. You’re welcome 😘

Please do not reblog this post.

Author Name: 

Fleetofshippyships + Knowyourincantations + Legendaryroar

Fandoms You Write For: 

(in order of decreasing # of fics) Harry Potter, Voltron, Merlin, Yuri on Ice, Star Trek, Star Wars and then a few one-offs that aren’t really worth mentioning.

Where You Post: 

AO3 primarily, Tumblr, trying to post more on Pillowfort, I also post on a couple of sites for knowyourincantations

Most Popular One-Shot: 

Fleetofshippyships: Potter’s Insatiable Cock (Drarry, Explicit (duh XD), 20k (viewable only for logged-in AO3 users)).

Knowyourincantations: A Decent Start to Things (Pansmione, Teen, 7k)

Legendaryroar: Finding Time for Rest (Sheith (Voltron), Teen, 3k)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: 

RestraintNone of my old multi-chapter fics are available to read at this time and I don’t really write multi-chapter fics anymore.

If oneshot/drabble collections or two-shots count, then:

Fleetofshippyships: Vanilla and Sweet Spices (Drarry, Explicit, 2 chapters, 20k)

and this really doesn’t count, but technically it has multiple ‘chapters’ soooooooooo

Legendaryroar: Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships (Voltron), Explicit (duh), 31 ‘chapters’, 26k)

Favourite Story You Wrote: 

I don’t think I ever have a static favourite, I’ve just written too many things, I too quickly move on to the next (and frequently forget some of my own fics exist XD), but recently I re-read In Pursuit of Red Wine (Dreville, Teen, 29k) and really enjoyed that again, and I am really attached to it cos it was my first longish rarepair fic, kind of proving to myself that I can write longer rarepair stuff. 

I also recently re-read Unburdened (Merthur (BBC Merlin), Explicit, 2k) and really enjoyed that too, had a total disconnect from having written it since it’s been so long, so I was able to read it without self-judging, and oh boy that was nice. 

I’m also quite proud of Healing What’s Left (Parkgrass, Teen, 2k) for some reason, I dunno, maybe the dark political backdrop of the fic, or maybe just cos it’s the first time I’ve written Daphne as the main character and I’m happy with the result and now have some headcanons about her rather than her being an unknown blank character to me. 

I also binge read a lot of my Voltron stuff recently and had big feels over that so....I also specifically enjoyed re-reading The Perks of Skincare (Klance (Voltron), Explicit, 3k) again cos I dunno, I like how I wrote Lance XD and also the Sheith fic I linked earlier is a fav for sure. Shiro/Rest is the ultimate OTP.

It really depends how soon after I write something or when I go back to re-read it as to what my fav is at any given time (or people commenting on it and hyping me up for it again).

Story You Were Nervous to Post: 

Everything. But most recently I was terrified out of my mind before posting: 

Friday Night by the Fire (Harry/Neville, Teen, 583 words) because I have a lot of fears about screwing up trying to write ace characters and somehow not even making that a focal point of the drabble made it even more terrifying,  No More Waiting (TianShan (19 Days), Teen, 2k) because it was a new fandom to write in, Harry Potter and the Maudlin Merman series (Drarry, Teen+ Mature, 3k +6k) due to my feelings of inadequacy because it would be better as long fic but I struggle too much with writing these days to write long fics and can only manage short things. I’d rather write this as a long fic, but then I’d never finish it so connected oneshots are the best I can do right now, but I still feel it’s not good enough and have a meltdown whenever I post one. And speaking of which, I’ve been sitting on the next one for months and should probably just fucking post it already.

Actually, most recently: Minding One’s Limits (Cho/Ginny, G rated, 1.5k), because I gave Cho a disability modeled off my fibromyalgia and wrote a scenario similar to something I’d dealt with myself, it was incredibly uncomfortable to write in the first place, and then terrifying to post, even though it’s so short. But in the end I’m proud I finally wrote about it a bit? I dunno, might take me a while to work up the nerve again though XD (also was my first time writing that ship, so there was a lot of nervousness over that too)

Oh, and I was a super ball of anxiety posting  Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships, Explicit, 31 ‘chapters’, 26k) because for almost all of those it was the first time I was writing those kinks (and some were kind of squicks for me but I wanted to see if I could write them anyway cos I’m dumb like that) and in a lot of cases those ships were completely new for me to write too, in addition to trying to write and post 1 a day, so...yeah. Also that was my first time writing tentacle and human/werewolf smut so...yeah. I was an absolute mess that month and not in a fun way. But I’m still really glad I did it, it was fun =D

In summary, I’m always an anxious mess posting anything, but most especially if it’s something I’ve not written before or is personal to me XD

How Do You Choose Your Titles: 

Most of the time I’m staring down the empty title field in AO3 cursing like a fucking sailor when I choose titles XD Sometimes it’s a line/theme/feeling from the fic. Sometimes it’s totally random and just comes to me. Sometimes I just grasp the first thing that I can no matter how stupid it sounds cos it’s been three days and I still don’t have a title and I’m over it and ready to post before I lose my nerve.

And tbh, it’s only getting harder to think of titles as my number of fics increases, and I’ve now started thinking of the perfect titles only to realise I already have a published fic by that title so....TITLES CAN DIE A FIERY DEATH

Sometimes, not so much anymore, it would turn out that I would give a wip doc a name just so I’d know what it was, sometimes as a joke with whoever was reading it and cheerleading while I wrote it, and then I would refer to it by that and think of it as that so much that when it came time to actually give the fic a title, it was too late and I could not think past that stupid file name, and that’s how Potter’s Insatiable Cock happened, and how I very nearly called a Merthur fic Arthur’s Wanking Tower (saved that one at the last moment thank god cos the tone of that fic is actually really serious and emotional and wtf was I even thinking with that file name and actually I linked to that fic above XD it ended up being called Unburdened). 

Potter’s Insatiable Cock slipped through cos it’s actually relevant to the fic content and I could live with it.

But needless to say, I don’t give my wip docs joke names anymore XD

Do You Outline: 

Only if I never want to actually write the idea...once I outline, it’s over. I can’t write to a detailed plan. It stifles me. I’ll always get stuck having to try and think ahead to the plan, and then I lose the flow and nothing works because I’m a pantser/intuitive/instinctive writer not a planner. Sometimes I jot down ideas but in like, the vaguest of ways, usually more focused on emotional development than actual scenes or events or anything because then I won’t be able to write it (and I rarely stick to those vague ideas anyway). 

I can really only write when I’m staring down a blank doc with no idea where it’s going and discover it as I go (which is why writing is so fun for me). I can only finish a fic if I don’t think too hard about what’s going to happen next and just let it happen as I write. 

This of course means that editing is a fucking bitch when I finish anything, beginnings often get totally re-written, but if I plan, it just doesn't happen at all, so I’ll take the extra editing if it means I manage to write something.

I do have a lot of detailed plotty fic idea outlines...and I mourn them cos I’m never going to write them now, but they’re so goooooooooood XD

Complete: 

Online (across all 3 accounts): 381 (incl. my hidden drarry fics as they are technically online just hidden, not incl. individual oneshots/drabbles in collection ‘fics’, of which there are ridiculously many). Offline: 20 (I have the worst habit of just sitting on completed fics and I really need to stop)

In-Progress: 

Too many to name, last time I counted it was ~60 but that wasn’t even including my vld wips so...I don’t actually know. I hoard wips and just switch up what I work on all the time depending on mood/interest levels/effort required. 

Current main focuses are a 50k+ plotty Drarry (*fingerscrossed* cos this is my first time seriously attempting something long (will probably reach 80k at least) in a very long time and I put it down for a few months and thought that was it but then I picked it up again recently, yay!), and re-writing some hidden fics I can’t put them back up in the quality they’re in, I just can’t guys, they’re awful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about working on the longish 8th year Pansmione fic I started for the wlw big bang before I had to pull out of cos stupid life stuff. I might pick that up again for a bit too, couldn’t be more different from the Drarry one so it’d make a nice focus break =)

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: 

I don’t even plan fics I’m writing, I sure don’t plan ahead to stuff I haven’t even started XD The only think I can think of for this category would be me re-writing my hidden long Drarry fics.

Oh, and there will be a Merthur oneshot coming (hopefully) soon, because @april-thelightfury115​ won my custom fic giveaway with a merthur idea. Just waiting for my brain to cooperate so I can start that and not suck XD but I’m so fucking excited to write some Merthur again, you have no idea.

Oh, and lots more Sapphic September drabbles coming too, I’m way behind and only just posted day 11 cos this month is literal hell for me, but I am still planning on finishing the prompt list, no matter how long it takes, but no plan for those, not even which ships, I just sit down with the next prompt and a blank doc and see what happens.

Do You Accept Prompts: 

Yes, I love writing to prompts, I’m take them via google form here, but I’m in such a bad space with my health I’ve been really struggling with writing lately, managed to do a bit of editing (fuck knows how), but writing new stuff is so hard, so there’s a long wait while I wait for my fibro fog to ease off to the point I can write new stuff with more regularity (and less stupid errors I have to edit out later).

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: 

Again, I so don’t plan. But I really want to be making more progress on the long plotty drarry wip I’m trying to write. I’m still not sure I’ll have the guts to post it even if I do finish it, given its subject matter (it would make a great careers or consent fest fic tbh), but damn I’m really excited by it. Not sure I can maintain it being plotty and not revert to focusing on the relationship (which is easier for me), but I can only try and see what happens. (trying to write a non-relationship plot without planning is a nightmare but I don’t have a choice if I want to write it at all XD)

I’m also now excited for my longish pansmione wip too actually, just because it’s already longer than my Dreville long-ish fic and it’s exciting and scary to do longer rarepair stuff. I’m way out of my comfort zone with the fic itself, but I dunno, I re-read some recently and fell in love with it all over again, like, flustered lesbian-awakening, disaster for Pansy (but sure she still hates her) Hermione? YES PLEASE! and also, I am guilty of not writing female characters as much as I should because, well, canonically, they don’t have much depth and I’m very meh about them, but in this there’s a huge focus on them because they’re all determined to band together for 8th year and Hermione is making friends with them (Parvati is like, dragging her along all the time XD) where she once dismissed them so it’s scary but exciting =D I’m getting more practice with all the sapphic I do over on knowyourincantations, so I feel more confident working on this wip now =D

I’m also kind of excited about re-writing my old long fics, because they’re all 3 years old now, and my writing tastes (and skill, yikes) have totally changed, so it’s like I’m writing the story again but how I would write it now while maintaining the overall same plot, so it’s really interesting, like discovering the story all over again. Like in one (Making Malfoy Blush) I’ve gone as far as introducing a new side character to replace another’s parts because I no longer feel those parts are in character for them. It’s super terrifying, but it’s fun at the same time =) it’ll take me forever to do these though, so I dunno about ‘upcoming’ really, I only chip away every now and then when I’m unable to write new stuff but am still coherent enough to do something.

Eh, it is what it is, I can’t write like I used to, hence me being inactive more than active these days, but I’m trying to work within my new limitations instead of getting frustrated with them and just giving up entirely =)

---

Now, who to tag....I think anyone I would tag has already done it, and if not..I blame the fog if I’m forgetting someone obvious, if you wanna do it just say I tagged you so I can be nosy and take a look =)

Again, please do not reblog this post

#* #tag meme #tag game #about me #hope i don't regret linking to my other ao3 accounts #but i'm at the point if I get more bullshit like before i'll just abandon fandom entirely rather than shift to one of my other accounts #they served that purpose well when I needed it but the reasons for having to do it are not a problem anymore #so i'm tentatively linking to them for anyone who wants to read my other works #and hoping no one is mean about it #and please don't reblog this post in case I have to delete it to cut the link

[pisica-de-scris-blog]

Ok, so this is my first time posting any of my own work on Tumblr for other people to read.   its just one scene from a current WIP novel.     It’s still REALLY rough   i am just trying to get the first draft of the entire novel done  then i will go back and do massive editings for content, writing style  ect ect       but i wanted to be brave and put something out.  

Walking in the front door of the two story house I share with my bestie, her mother and her little sister, ok share is a strong word… walking into the front door of my best friend’s house that I am currently squatting in,  thats better, I starting calling out for Tori.     “She isn't home” I hear from the living room,  I drop my bag and my books by the front door and hop over the couch landing on the cushion next to Vivi, almost knocking the bowl of popcorn off her lap.   This obnoxiously smart 12 year old, wears her  blond hair in pig tails, to make her self look even younger, mostly to lure innocent bystanders into her web of deceitful cuteness in order gain sympathy or candy. I still haven't figured out if she is just working the angle she was born with, or if she is really an evil genius who brandishes her cuteness like a broadsword. Seriously it doesn't matter the situation, she can get whatever she likes from almost anyone, and if they wont give it to her right out, she will get it by any means necessary, she is ruthless and her petite frame and all around adorableness, makes people underestimate her intelligence.  Which is something that I don’t know if that makes me admire her more, or if I am a little afraid of her.  Probably both.   Defiantly both.  One time I saw her con a bunch of teenagers out of about $20 worth of pixie sticks. Do you know how many pixie sticks that is?  Hundreds.   Meh, mean at least she shared.  She, Tori and I went on a 3 day non-stop sugar induced movie marathon.  The eventual sugar crash was hard, but worth it. At least until we found out that she recorded Tori and I singing everysong in Grease, loudly and very badly while watching the movie.  She hasnt put that video on social media yet, she says she wont.  But I see her little evil mind saving it for it’s epic black mail potential. “Where is your wayward sister?”  I question stealing a handful of popcorn.   “She went for a run, something about overbearing life choices and blah blah blah,  I don't know, I tune her out when she starts talking about college and responsibilities and adulting.  I mean really I am 12  I don't want to hear about adulting, or choices that impact your whole life.  That shit is scary.” “You have no idea kid,  but watch the fucking language.”  I smirked at her. “Ok so what are we doing until she gets home?” “Well, I finished all my homework for the next few days,  really this stuff is too easy.  So I was thinking about begging you to order a pizza,breaking out the big puppy dog eyes if I need to” She looked up at me starting to make her eyes really big. “Pizza sounds good, put the puppy dog eyes away” laughing at her antics I grabbed the computer to place the order. “ and then can we maybe binge watch some netflix.  Since mom is away do you think we can watch that show with the one main character who has to be slutty or she starves… and has the awesome best friend with epic fashion sense?” “No, you are too young for that show” “But I am really old for my age, I mean you know I am already soo much smarter than anyone else my age, and most ages. So I should be able to handle more mature TV shows too.” Vivi started rambling, getting ready for a fight to watch this show. “Your humility is heart-warming really,but your mother would skin me alive.  And then who would order you pizza with pineapple on it, which by the way is gross.” “It is not, but fine..   Hot hunter bros it is then.” As I finish ordering the pies Vivi queues up the show on netflix and hands me a brush,  I start absent mindedly running it through her hair as we wait for our dinner.   My mind doesn't focus on the tv  it keeps running through the events at the parlor.  I need to know who those guys where.  What they know about my mother, I mean she died in childbirth, and left me alone with an alcoholic father. Or did she?  Maybe there are things I don't know.  My father never really talked about my mother while sober, but if he was drunk and feeling nostalgic, he would ramble about her.  I could sometimes make out some of what he said in between sobs and hiccups before he passed out.    He would call her his angel and how she radiated this beautiful light.   I always thought that maybe her death is what drove my father mad and it was my fault she died.  What if there is more to the story? Maybe she was also in whatever this mafia or gang thing is that Cole is tied up in.  I should of questioned Cole before I left. I should of made her tell me what was going on, and how my mother was involved. Instead I ran. Why do I always run before thinking?   About 20 minutes into the first episode I notice that it is starting to get dark out, and Tori still hasnt gotten home.  I know she drives to well lite parks to run and she tries to stay safe, but I will always worry about her.  She watches the news and knows what can happen, so I know she is practical.  But she has never had to face any violence. She has never had to fend off an attacker, and she doesn't always realize that being practical and trying to be safe, doesn't really  mean she is safe.  And the pizza will be here in another 20 and I have seen that girl eat.  It’s scary.    Just as I am about to call her to check her ETA my phone starts to vibrate Tori’s name popping up on the screen. “Oh my god, why don't people just text, seriously who uses their phone to call anyone anymore.  Don't they know they are interrupting my viewing pleasure. How rude!” Vivi grumbles, as she turn the volume on the TV up a few more notches.  I can feel the annoyance radiating off of the small blond, so I grab my phone and take it into the kitchen to answer it. “Hey Tori, are you on your way home?  I ordered pizza. The small blond and I have started the demon-hunting without you.” I say into the phone. “Really, one would think having the pizza first would help with the demon hunting.  I mean you could use the pizza as a very effective bate to lure a poor unsuspecting demon into your trap before you spring and attack him with your no doubt alluring feminine wiles.  Now is there a sign up list for demons to volunteer or do I just have to wait for you to find me?” A smooth deep and very male voice spoke over the line. “Who the fuck is this, and why do you have my friends phone.” I could feel the rage in my voice masking over the fear. “Whoa chicka calm down. My name is Murmur.  Your friend was in a little car accident, she is fine, but she is staying here tonight with us” I could just hear the smug smile in this assholes voice.  That just fueled my rage.  Take a deep breath I try to keep my voice calm and quiet, I dont want to worry the small blond before I have to. “Oh, I am sorry, are you a medical professional calling from the hospital to inform me to come pick up my friend?” I ask, my tone dripping with sarcasm.  “No? Well then maybe you should give the phone to my friend so she can tell me where to come pick her up. And I swear to god if a single hair on her head is even slightly out of place I will own your ass. Do I make myself clear you arrogant douche nozzel. Now hand her the phone!”   Seriously I know life is a bitch, but today it is having puppies. This shit is ridiculous. “Douche nozzel,  you know if I had feelings they might almost be hurt.  I mean I am trying to do the stand up thing here.  I helped rescue a damsel in distress, putting a smudge in my perfectly shiny white knight armor in the process I might add, and then I call her friend so no one worries about her.  And this is the thanks I get?  Harsh.” Under normal circumstances, I would find his banter amusing  if not even a little charming.  Today is not a normal circumstance.  In fact today, all his witty banter has done is insure that any regret I may of felt about being a tad harsh is just gone. “Give Tori the phone” I growl. “No can do, cupcake. She is being seen by our Medic at the moment, and she is kinda out cold.  But I am being assured she is fine and I will have her call you when she is awake.    Tootles!”   The line went dead, oh   hell to the no.  Om Sarah  breath, inhale, exhale repeat as necessary. Once I am sure I am at least sort of in control of my rage, I calmly grab the phone, and call Tori’s cell.   Ok I will be civil, collected, calm and I dare say courteous, so I can find out what happened, where my friend is and get her home.   “Aw, sweetheart did you miss me already? Really its cute but its getting a little embarrassing.” The condescending male voice answers “WHO ARE YOU, AND WHERE IS TORI” Well, so much for calm and collected. “I told you, princess.  My name is Murmur, and your friend is fine. I will personally make sure she calls you as soon as possible. And since you have no idea where I am, or she is for that matter, and I have disabled the GPS on her phone, you are just going to have to take my word for it. And although I am sure you do a very sexy impersonation of a fire breathing dragon and are so ready to storm the castle to retrieve your wayward friend here, you wouldn't know what castle to storm. So you are just SOL.  Sorry Xena, no warrior princess impressions for you today, so put away the circle blade and have a seat, someone will contact you shortly.” Then the line went dead Calmly setting down my phone, so I dont throw it against a wall.  I take a few deep breaths to try and get my anger under control.  Breath in breath out  Breath in, breath out.   I start to repeat my mantra, “sun is warm grass is green, sun is warm grass is green….  Fuck this  sun is hot grass is fucking dead.”   Time to get some help and get shit taken care of,  heading back into the living room, I wonder how ethical my favorite small blond is. “Hey, Vivi..  If someone where to turn off the GPS in a cell phone,say Tori’s for example, could you still tell me where it is, or where it was when it was last turned on?”   Vivi turned towards me and raised an raising an eyebrow considered my question. “Could I?  Yes, I am all knowing and my powers of intellect are indeed beyond measure,  will I?   Well, its unethical, an invasion of privacy and illegal, so it depends on why and what I get out of it.” “I’ll learn how to play D&D and I will play for at least 2 hours once a month.” I offer knowing how badly she wants to play on a table top and not just with her friends on line. “3 hours twice a week, Tori plays too AND I get to watch the that show with the slutty not a demon chick” she countered. “No, I would let you watch it but your mom would kill me.  THen resurrect me just to off me again.   But I will agree to 2 hours once a week with me and Tori, and I will take you to buy more figurines.” “Fine, no show. But 3 hours once a week and one weekend a month where we play a long mission, I mean an all nighter with junk food and a lot of caffeine.” “You mean you want to take one netflix binge night and turn it into a D&D night?” “Yes” She nods “Done”  We shake on it and she grabs her laptop.  “So how long will this take you and your mad hacking skills” “I will have a location before the pizza gets here, and the delivery guy just pulled up.”  THe door bell rings and I go to answer the door. Once I am walking back to the living room with the boxes and a roll of paper towels to use as plates, Vivi already has the laptop open and sitting on the table. “She was at fountain head park running in circles, like a crazy person,  seriously who runs around a park In Arizona in the summer.  A small man made lake does not an oasis make.  Still hot, still crazy.  Anyway, then she left, or at least her cell phone did and the GPS was turned off in downtown phoenix. Right off central ave, in a really nice area. Looks like its right by those newish condos  the ones that look like a massive castle. She probably met some hot rich guy and is off making poor life choices.” “You hacked into the GPS on Tori’s phone and got all of that in two minutes?” I am just stunned.   “Ok first off its not like you asked me to hack the pentagon and get nuclear codes, honestly.   But no, I didn’t hack anything, mom has us all on a family plan for our phones, and she has some parental control thingys, so I just logged in and looked at the GPS logs,  then I used that with google maps and bam  info.  Common sense, really isn’t a super power ya know.”  She grabbed the pizza boxes from me and grabbed her first slice of pineapple pizza and started picking all the pineapple off. “I also went ahead and checked her car’s GPS and emergency system thing. It was also at the park,  but it logged a minor accident.  The incident report says it was a minor accident no injuries, and only a little cosmetic damage to the car itself. It said owner verbally confirmed no injury and that they had someone who would take the car to get it repaired.  It also noted police were not called, and that insurance would not be used because the other party was at fault and is paying for the damages out of pocket.  Since the report said owner verbally confirmed I am not overly worried.  Tori, isnt dumb and she is a big girl she can take care of herself.” I am not worried.”   I hate to admit it, but I think she is right.  I did get a call saying she was alright, and as long as I get another call in a few hours I shouldn't start panicking. She probably did find some hot guy and is making poor life choices. It isnt something she does often but it has been known to happen. Plus, she has been super stressed lately  maybe it will do her some good. “Fine, if you are soo smart tell me why, for the love of god, you make me order pineapple pizza and then pick all the pineapple off?” “Because I don't like to eat the pineapple, I just want a little pineapple flavor, like pineapple essence pizza, now can we get back to supernatural?  Or would you like me to get you the D&D guide, I play the 5th edition.”  As we settle on the couch ready to watch a few more episodes and eat our cheesy greasy dinner of awesome, I cant help but to think about Tori and where she is and if she is ok. Most of what Vivi told me matches the story that guy with the weird name said, but its just not really clicking me for me.  When I pick up my phone I see a text from a number I dont know. Unknown: Hey warrior princess, I figured you might be a little pissed off with our previous conversation, so I figured I would shoot you a message to assure you, again, that your friend is ok.  I would really hate for you to tail spin into an evil plot to hunt me down and murder me. And if I am being completely honest,  your cute little threats are pretty sexy, so I was hopeing for a few more of those to hold me over for the night. My god the nerve of this guy. Who the fuck talks like this? Sarah: OMG Douche nozzle,  you are disgusting.  But why would a text from an unknown number make me feel better about you kidnapping my friend? Unknown: Again  the name is Murmur,  not douche nozzle, but I will answer to mother fucker.  And here, for your piece of mind and spank bank.   I cant help a quick laugh as a picture comes through on my phone of a very attractive man who is doing the worse duck lips face I have ever seen in true selfie tradition. Sarah: And what exactly is that picture suppose to prove?  How do I even know that is you.  You probably googled selfie and just downloaded the pic of the first almost attractive person you saw. Unknown: that is a pic of me I just took  #nofilter   and what do you mean ALMOST attractive.  I will have you know I am considered adorable by some, pretty     by most and 100% fuck-able by all.   But I sent the pic so if your friend isnt home by tomorrow morning, you know what to look for when you start hunting me down for the maiming. Sarah: I still dont believe its you, you could be starting me on a quest to go hurt some innocent little European model while you are at home, in your moms basement eating nachos and playing World of Warcraft after selling my friend into slavery. Unknown: Ok dollface, what will it take for you to believe that is me.   And dont think for a second that I didn't notice you said I looked like a European model,  seriously I am blushing over here. Sarah:  send me a pic with a fork balancing on your nose. Unknown:  … uh  ok   give me a min.  I actually have to get up and find a fork. A few moments go by and my phone chimes with another message.  Its a picture of the same man balancing a fork on his nose. I stifle the a laugh and the true ridiculousness of this pic, and I save it to my phone and create a contact for this guy.  I need to save his number so I can make sure he gets Tori home. Kidnappy douche nozzle:  Believe me now sweetness? Sarah: Well that could be anyone with a fork on their nose Kidnappy douche nozzle:  Really, Really?  Riddle me this batgirl why would anyone take that pic, except in this specific situation.   Sarah:  Fine,  so the pic is you.  But that doesnt mean you have my friend and she is safe or that you are bringing her home. Kidnappy douche nozzle:  Well I would take a pic of your friend for you, but she is in my friends bed, and from what I have been told  taking pictures of women in bed without their knowelege is frowned upon.   Its just past the level of creepy I am willing to go to,  even for  a feisty thing like you.   Now it only seems fair that since I sent you 2 pics you send me atleast one  ;) Sarah: Life isnt fair, I am not sending you anything.   But you will return my friend in the morning or all hell will break loose and I will kill not only you     but everything you have ever even liked. Kidnappy douche nozzle: I will keep you updated on whats going on and when she is headed back home. Sarah:  then you may yet survive this. Kidnappy douche nozzle: now kitten, dont make promises you arnt willing to keep.

#wip #newnovel #excerpts from my writing #nanowrimo #nano 2018 #first novel

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

#long post #Suicide #hospital #suicide mention #note #kinphobia #self harm tw #cutting #depression