#because thats easy and overdone

[dismie]

goodness gracious where are all your horrifying horror fans when you need a sounding board (taps feet impatiently)

#dismies ramblings #the answer is bein very sweepy (n dats ok. love you guys if you see this post) #i just need a sounding board because #ive been reworking how i do my horror bits in this trauma-horror narrative and like. #twell the crux of the plot is that its explicitly a DREAM thing. all stuff is based around dreaming. #and i wanna play on that #...but for one. i dont dream #and for 2: i dont want it to just be dark shadowy figures & silent hill monsters #because thats easy and overdone #but m/c's trauma also specifically revolves around some body contortion and fetuses and babies and stuff. so like. #how do you make that palatable enough that it isnt egregious without making it corny and cliche. and also make it flow like a dream #lately ive been looking at sleep disorders (particularly fatal insomnia) for reference but... #the horror in dreaming itself is stumping me. HELP. #hi if anyone got this far. please god send suggestions OR JUST cool media/instances in stories youve seen for inspiration. i hit a roadblock

[secret-subject]

How much of your time in file creation is split between writing, recording and editing? When do you know when you've slipped into over-producing territory?

Wow great question!

So this depends on the project. My current process is I write a script, then I order the art and get the assets ready for production, record and edit and post.

Sometimes, a script will take a day or two to come together. Sometimes it takes weeks where I write a little bit of a script per day. I like to have three or four things on the go at once because my brain do be like that but once a script is "ready" I will often do a read aloud to get the mouth feel and flow down before I record. This also warms my brain up to how I'm going to deliver it on the mic and it helps me to hear if a thing sounds clumsy or if it works.

I like to batch my recording sessions because setting up my vocal booth from singing to hypnosis or asmr is a challenge so I may as well use that set up for multiple recordings. I will then spend a few hours recording all the scripts that are done that day. If I mess up a take I clap or snap to save my place and ensure I can make some clean cuts later. Pro tip, give yourself space either side of the mistake and start on a line you know had a bit of a break on it otherwise your cuts will be more obvious plus this will save MASSES of time later.

Editing is very quick for me. I use audacity, clean up background noise and use a very quick eq and compression preset. Cut the mistakes etc. If this audio has background sounds this can take me a few hours but most generic single layer hypnosis tracks only take 20 minutes to edit fully. I post immediately on patreon after the edit is done when I can because it's fresh in my head and I can make the CW writing easier (love having a bad memory for things haha).

So to answer the first question, it depends on the project. Sometimes the scripting is hard and fast and recorded in a single day. Sometimes its weeks of thinking, chopping and changing and then recording. I've spent six months on my longest projects because of procrastination but I've also made a lot of audios in hours because the inspiration strikes so there is no rule with how long it takes.

The second quesion. Over production is both easy and hard to do. A lot of the time I notice it in the sound of the recording. Over processing vocals can kill the vibe so I like to take a less is more approach. I'd rather have some road noise and a more raw and real vocal than an overdone one and as a friend of mine recently told me, perfection can be a creative killer.

In terms of overproduction in terms of scripting and timeline, do what feels right for you. There are many times I feel a script could use more pages, and sometimes I add them because it works but if you are struggling to word things or it feels like a chore, that's your instinct telling you it's done or you need to move on and try again later. Again, I'd rather have something shorter and more raw than something that feels like a slog to write and record. Like play with a partner it should feel natural and unrehearsed even Iof you've proofed it again and again.

I will say when you are starting out you will overthink the recordings. You will probably second guess it and judge it harshly and thats okay, but just post it. Sometimes all it takes is one person telling you thats their fave audio to help you gain confidence and make it all worthwhile.

But these are just how I do things and how I feel about creating audio hypnosis recordings. I encourage you and other creators to find what works for you. Maybe scripting isn't your thing, make its meticulously worked and edited, either way its your own.

I can't wait to see what you decide to make!

#hypnosis #content creator #hypnosis creator

[nicomrade]

A genuine question here, but why do you dislike The First so much?

well its a weird thing to talk about cause really its the same reason why i dislike stolen lupin or any other low tier TV special. the real question is why other people liked it so much and i think its only because its such a pretty movie, its jaw dropingly gorgeous and the lupgang banter is great but just those 2 together isnt enough to make a good MOVIE. but it is enough that u can have a good TIME if u dont think about whats happening. thats the short version, its just a bad movie. sorry🐅

i purposefully havent been too frank when talking publicly about it (why i kept a mean tweet about it in drafts for literal years) but compared to the unlimited love it gets from the fandom it looks like thats enough for people to pick up that i dislike it so much lol. so lets talk about the first!

ill be brief on each point. that ancient technology thing it does w the eclipse? thats a bad trope. its a very very bad trope. its the atlantis conspiracy theory, its 1 throwaway line away from slipping into ancient aliens, they pull the same shit in a couple other TV specials and none of them are fondly remembered so hopefully we all know this plot point sucks and is racist. if not you can google it. lets move on

the nazis. after watchin harimao i said it was more anti-nazi than the first, idk if id stand by that cause i havent seen it again since but i mention it to put it in lupin context. generally if it isnt OK to have lupin scam an ex-nazi in part 2 ep 3 by disguising himself as hitler, whys it OK for lupin to steal from nazis by disguising himself as hitler? at no point is the movie actually anti-nazi (though i wouldnt call it pro-nazi either) and its fucking weird to see lupin disguised as hitler in modern lupin cause each time nazis show up in classic lupin everyone agrees its tasteless & overdone.

laetitia! TMS did a genius thing w her cause shes incredibly well written as a self-insert fic protag. it is very easy to watch the first & pretend u urself are best friends w the gang by projecting urself onto her. this doesnt balance out her lack of character it only helps the audience not care about it. compare her to mariya from tokyo crisis- one could be written out of her own movie and we only get info bout her to move the plot (the bad, boring plot) forward, one is essential to the core of her movie and shes realistically affected by the things that happened to her and makes believable connections with some of the gang. yay! a character!!

the movie is also very segmented between "plot scenes" and "lupgang banter scenes" you will notice everything fun about lupin STOPS when we are being explained Plot Elements. lupin talks to laetitia and its a boring nazi ancient treasure movie. then we get a scene thats not about the eclipse or laetitias grandpa or the nazis and all of a sudden its super fun !!!!!!! this is bad writing. lol. watch fuma & see how lupin at its best can blend comedy and plot and exploration and fun banter.

my personal experience w the movie! the first time i watched it i had to pause it cause i was bored out of my mind. iirc it was more or less when lupin gets on the eclipse ship thing n all banter stops cause its just him n the nazi dude n i realized hey this movie kinda sucks actually! i texted a friend about it n he was like. yeah having to force urself to finish it sounds like ure not enjoyin this movie. i did watch the first 3 or 4 times? i did gif it a lot. theres scenes i like (the banter) but it doesnt make it a good movie. like i said when i first wrote my personal review of it: "I think looking at gifsets of this would be more enjoyable than actually watching it". laetitia really embodies her movie in that sense, shes a really good character if you only look at her. she shares her name with all of her ancestors! just who is she? why is she wearing short shorts? why was she a cop? how old is she? then you realize theres nothing there

and ultimately this IS a reaction to it being an unpopular opinion. there are so many lupin entries a lot more worthwhile than the first (2019) that dont even get half of the hype. in my personal ranking its in the bottom 10 (tho ive skipped 2 specials so u can consider that the bottom 12). i genuinely dont like it but im not as vocal about lets say, angels tactics, because we usually agree thats a bad one- or at least we dont recommend it to newcomers. the first has a good reputation so i feel more strongly about it despite liking it more. i would be just as vocal about dragon of doom & voyage to danger if people talked to me about them more often. (and i have a much more coherent critique of dragon of doom lol)

so i dont really know how to explain why i dislike the first cause i just do; the same way u just dislike a bad part 2 episode, the same way most of the fandom just finds napoleons dictionary kind of boring. how do u explain why u dislike the nazi ancient tech self-insert npc girl movie- except by calling it just that? i guess i wasnt blinded by how pretty it is which makes me sound full of myself LOL. but its true a lot of animation can get away w god awful writing if its well animated enough- and if its too ugly no one will watch the best written animated movie. i love animation too and it has so much to offer and i want to see more done in the style of the first with the story of [insert your personal favorite TV special]. im glad it opened the door for vs cats eye to look that way (though lets not forget the 2012 3DCG lupin short!). but the WRITING the STORY the MEAT of the first just isnt any better than any other mid to low tier lupin TV special. is it really worth recommending the first as someones entry into lupin just because it looks pretty? is it really better than the anime that made the author reboot his own manga? why are we even still talking about the first?

#ask #anon #uhm a bit shy to put this in my lupin tags #really no hate if u personally really enjoy the movie. i love elusiveness of the fog we all have different taste. who cares what i think 👍 #lupin the third

[turtletoria]

i am curious exactly which reasons you hate mcyt now even tho you used to be a fan. As an outsider I know vaguely some of the people have done bad things but im interested in your specific reasons. You have no obligation to answer obviously

no dont worry i love talking shit its my hobby (joke, btw. my actual hobby is being cringe online)

under a read more bc this is long i just hold a lot of parasocial hate in my heart. hope you guys like reading !

edit: also to be clear im not trying to start any fights i just want to be left alone by mcyt fans. ok guys take it easy

tl;dr the Three Who Shall Not Be Named and their blasted SMP friends/acquaintances are all my parasocial enemies. Theres fun cringe and then theres mean cringe, and i feel that this corner of mcyt goes in the latter.

from my experience i think that they're really manipulative of a typically younger and vulnerable audience... i just remember them always promoting subscribing to their stream or purchasing donations to kids (that, i believe, honestly saw them as stand-ins for parental figures in their own lives) and that honestly disgusted me so much. i remember being frightened at the way that (mostly teenage/minor) fans on twitter talked about them like they could do no wrong... it was a weird kind of adoration that still freaks me out when i think about it too long. while they cant control the age of their fanbase, they could at least act accordingly... if i knew my audience was full of youngsters as young as 10 or 12 i would not say or do half the things theyve done, i will say that much.

moreover, i think they were very bad at handling their rapid rise to fame -> the Main Three Who Shall Not Be Named were frankly quite young and very immature, so this might be unfair, but honestly watching them felt like if you took the really unfunny highschool bullies and gave them a twitch stream to go nuts in. they couldnt control their rapidly growing and rabid fanbase in a way that felt safe to participate in.

i really didnt appreciate how they treated some of their fellow streamers. it felt cruel, and i cant understand how people could keep watching what would otherwise be bullying, even if it was all a "joke" or "prank."

And, much worse, was the casual racism and misogyny and other bigotry. i remember the misogyny especially was so bad, particularly from the young blonde and british streamer, whose main shtick was being rude to women because it was "funny." it was just crass and immature, and made my younger sister and I very uncomfortable, especially with the way his fans seemed to really enjoy that. a lot of these guys' and their friends' jokes hinged on being edgy or shocking, and honestly that shit was so overdone and unfunny.

I honestly can't remember finer details, and im not about to go looking (so take this with a grain of salt), but i just remember their content being full of a lot of uncomfortable moments. it was like experiencing some kind of microagression every 10 seconds and not being able to comprehend the insult until it was too late. it made me feel small and stupid, especially because i thought i was the only one who felt that way (and still do, honestly). call me oversensitive, but thats just how i felt (and still feel). moreover was the discomfort of them using language, which for lack of better words, reminded me very much of performative white liberalism. you know what i mean - when someone talks a lot about good things, but then they treat minorities like shit or allow these minorities to get treated like shit.

also, as the cherry on top of this rancid pile, the Main Three Guys and their SMP friends all seemed super okay with certified shitty people like Pp pie and notch. Very uncomfortable that they would be okay with being associated with them, let alone look up to them??? Huge red flag.

the fact that ive gifted my time and energy (through fanart) to a piece of media that has hurt me is so revolting. in the grand scheme this isnt a huge deal, but it definitely hurts that ive made shit for shit people and that fans still behave like i made this art for them. in reality i want to throw everythign into a pile and burn it. it just makes me very sad and hurt.

i could go on, but this is long enough as is.

Anyways, i'm not here to tell people what's right and wrong, but i honestly think that these guys are more hurtful than anything else and i simply dont want to interact with anything associated with mcyt ever.

but if im gonna be completely honest, i cant really blame teens or tweens for being into that awful cringe (derogatory) shit becuase that is the nature of being stupid and young, and hopefully theyll grow to understand why that shit is so bad. but if you are a college student or older and still into them im side-eyeing you so hard...

Theres fun cringe and then theres mean cringe, and i feel that this corner of mcyt goes in the latter.

#ask #anon #im worried abt waking up to hatemail but whatever i just want the mcyt fans to leave me alone!!!

[dapg-otmebytheballs]

As someone who mostly grew up in new zealand, but isnt actually 'from' there, imo nz comedy tends not to land very well, especially to non-new zealanders. I have spent nearly 3/4 of my life there and i still dont like the comedy scene. It feels like its all based on shock value and seeing how offensive/crass you can be before someone calls you out on it, and thats just not my humor.

Hm I guess I can see what you mean. It's not that I hated all of it, there was quite a bit of good humour, from Angella Dravid particularly (I'm just on the second episode too, and I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt bc it's not easy to find your footing when adapting a show and format from another country, takes a while)

But yeah all the "omg China has been in a lot of negative news because of covid it is so difficult to write something that's not offensive right now" thing was so overdone and just felt xenophobic, and after all that drama they did about it the songs were still full of offensive shit about the population and "controlling" the economy and whatnot. I do like that someone pointed out the irony of talking about Congo's child soldiers while dressed as a scout also. Idk it all rubbed me the wrong way and what made me even more uneasy was that this is just a very normalised way to talk about 'Eastern' countries so it didn't feel out of place within that environment.

I've heard good things about the second season tho let's see let's see. I do enjoy what Paul Williams did with the assistant role, very much

#asks #taskmaster #taskmaster nz

[nothing-nothing454545]

sometimes you have to play it safe and say a joke thats completely bland and unfunny just to make sure youre on the same page with someone. sometimes you have to say the basic and obvious thing, like going one folder down in the directory, on your way to find the file thats 9 folders deep. like when youre cutting out a shape, and you cut with excess on the first pass so you can do a second, more precise pass, with less of the obvious excess getting in the way

but then, theres the expert overestimation

which means what im about to say has a completely different purpouse here. its no longer easy and safe, like it is to my friend whos a cuphead fan, but it is funny because its random and you have no context. "what if we kissed in front of the asbestos safety curtain," i said. it would be even funnier to someone who isnt on tumblr, or rarely logs on, and the "what if we kissed" part wasnt terribly overdone for them

[old-stoneface]

ive been trying to figure out how to write this post bc i want to talk abt it. but its hard to put into words . i just want to say that crowley in the gomens show is pretty accurate to how he is in the book, just with a bit less of his "good" behaviour (just little moments that show how much he actually cares), but aziraphale is definitely overdone in the show, both seasons, because the original thing abt his character is that he supports heaven ONLY out of obligation. hes nice to people because he wants to be, and he doesnt want to serve any harsh divine justice; its literally just his job to be an angel. heaven isnt about being "good". heavens purpose is to Follow The Rules and Enforce The Rules. hell is about Breaking The Rules for no reason other than the rules were made up by god and heaven. theres no questioning of the rules! but thats where aziraphale and crowley come in. theyre the vessels for questioning the rules. thats why its always so easy for crowley to convince aziraphale to side with himself and humanity, aziraphale is very weakwilled when it comes to being tempted into things bc he WANTS to indulge crowley and he wants to protect humanity. etc. thats all i wanted to say

#sam.txt #jeez okay i dont know if that all makes sense #but ive been wanting to talk abt it #its one of those things that really sticks in my head #especially after the end of season two. #gomens

[twisted-t0xins]

✟𝔒𝔠𝔱𝔞𝔳𝔦𝔫𝔢𝔩𝔩𝔢 𝔊𝔢𝔫𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔩 ℌ𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔠𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔫𝔰

Requested by: Anonymous

i do have a request!! not at all original maybe not interesting but i would like to see your take on this. im not sure how many characters you write for at once, but just the octavinelle three should be safe, right? so general relationship headcanons for them?? separately! if you can, please and thank you!!

⋄Includes Azul Ashengrotto, Jade Leech and Floyd Leech

A/N: sorry this took so long,, I had to deal w my yearly blue exorcist obsession lolol,, also there’s no short scenario like I usually add bc there's a lot of other content rn but feel free to send a request asking me to elaborate :))

|𝔄𝔷𝔲𝔩 𝔄𝔰𝔥𝔢𝔫𝔤𝔯𝔬𝔱𝔱𝔬 ⋄

I def think that azul would love to buy you gifts because he likes seeing your reactions tbh

he’d also be pretty protective of you imo,,

in addition to that if you ever say anything bad about yourself,, be ready for him to get upset lol 

He’d subtly show you off and brag about you to people,, like he always makes sure to introduce you like ‘This is Y/N, my boyfriend. Yeah the other day he did this really amazing thing-’ all w a little smirk on his face

imo,, he would never get super mad at you and if he did,, he would forgive you super easily as long as you apologize 

He’d love for you to say those really cringe romantic lines to him like the sappier the better,, he just wants you to say how much you care,, I think he’d also say them but they’d be out of nowhere and straight from the heart

He’d really enjoy cuddling and hugs,, specifically he likes being the little spoon

His fav position would either be you both on your sides facing each other w his head against your chest or you hugging him from behind (no bc just imagine him facing the other way so you don’t see that he’s embarrassed but you can see him bright red ears im-)

He’d also be rlly into holding hands since it’s such a casual display of affection,, he would be the type to use his hand while still holding yours,, like how ppl will point with the same hand thats holdng yours yk?

When it comes to kissing tho,, i think he’s stay rlly shy and you’d have to initiate them most of the time

imo,, he would prefer to plan all the dates and activities you do together,, probs to make up for the fact he gets rlly nervous and shy and is bad at showing you physical affection

This is an overdone hc but ill try to spice it up lolol,, he’d obviously be insecure about his merform,, however I think your love of it would make him more confident and less embarrassed about it because he thinks so highly of you bc if his super cool bf thinks its amazing it means it's amazing :))

that being said tho,, it would be easy for ppl to make him go back to his hate of his body,, so you’d need to protect and stick up for him 

Overall,, I think he’d be super supportive,, and slightly tsundere,, bf that would treat you like a king

|𝔍𝔞𝔡𝔢 𝔏𝔢𝔢𝔠𝔥 ⋄

He’d be another one that likes buying you things

also think he’d perfectly plan every single date to make sure you get the most out of all of them

he’s constantly make sure that you look immaculate lolol,, I think he’d just constantly groom you?? like for no reason either,, its just how he shows affection in public (other than hand holding)

Just imagine him holding you by your chin and fixing your hair for you with a small,, but extremely happy,, smile on his face 

when he’s done grooming you he’d end it w a little peck on the forehead 

honestly tho,, most of his kisses would probs be short and neat kisses 

I think hed rlly like to grab your face w one hand and squeeze your cheeks before giving you a kiss

he’d also make sure to give you a kiss on the forehead or cheek before leaving 

jade would def love holding your hand,, I can def see him giving your hand a little squeeze if you aren’t giving him enough attention 

I think he’d do a lot of things like that- just small things to bring your attention back to him 

he also seems like the type to just look at you with so much admiration and affection,, he’d just love to look into your eyes imo

When cuddling i think his favorite position would be him on his back and you laying on his arm/chest

overall,, I think he’s more of a big spoon but I think you could probs convince him to lay his head on your chest so you can pet his head

imo,, jade would automatically coddle you if you were in a relationship together

i think he’d just love to take care of you and make sure you were happy,, he’d def make sure you were eating properly everyday and would make sure to have free time everyday so he could just cuddle you and spend time w you

jade would be rlly into your interests imo,, I think he’d love to hear you gush about your favorite things and would make sure to remember everything 

overall,, i think jade would be a super gentle bf and would constantly make sure that you were well taken care of 

|𝔉𝔩𝔬𝔶𝔡 𝔏𝔢𝔢𝔠𝔥 ⋄

oh boy,, you’d never be bored lmaoo 

he’d def try to include you in everything he does,, pftt just imagine going to the bathroom and him going too just bc he gets bored w out you

overall,, I think he’d rlly love your company and want to keep you entertained 

I don’t think you’d be completely safe from his mood swings tbh but I think you could easily cheer him up 

If you spoiled him too much tho when he’s upset I can def see him pretending to be upset so that you’ll baby him 

he seems like the type to put his leg over yours when you sit together too,, just for that extra physical contact 

imo,, he’d be rlly into holding hands but prefers wrapping an arm around yours yk? 

In terms of cuddling tho,, i think he’d just lay on top of you lolol you’ have to be carful tho bc he bites w out warning-

he’d especially like if you’d squeeze his head with your thighs 

I can also see him licking your face to annoy you tbh

he’d def give you lots of kisses,, probs wet one too lmao and they aren’t always well aimed 

instead of giving you hugs he’s just jump on you- hopefully you’re strong ://

he’s have no shame about anything either,, mans would straight up kiss you in front of a teacher and be confused about why you’re panicking 

I think floyd just gives off major dog vibes when he’s happy tbh 

your closets would belong to each other lolol he likes wearing your clothes and makes sure you know that you can wear his

I think he’d love baths w you,, specifically bc hes rlly happy you like his eel form too 

that being said tho you wouldn’t be allowed to leave until he’s satisfied lmao

he’d just completely wrap his tail around you and you’d be a hostage until he says otherwise-

overall,, I think floyd would be super needy but you would absolutely know you’re loved 

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst imagines #twst azul #twst jade #twst floyd #twst x reader #twst x male reader #twisted wonderland x male reader #twst fluff #azul ashengrotto x male reader #jade leech x male reader #floyd leech x male reader #twst x you #twst hcs #twst headcanons #twst reactions

[mazojo]

Fall 2021 Anime Opinions

As I always do, ranking the anime I watched this season, I’ll do it a bit different this time leaving my overview at the top and more thoughts under the cut ^^ if you are offended easily I recommend you maybe skip this one I understand my takes are not everyone’s taste xdd

Deep Insanity: The Lost Child

I dont know if this is fair because I only watched one and a half episodes of this but it was very bad. The premise sounds amazing and then the final product just,,,,,, very disappointing rip.

Komi-san wa, Comyushou desu.

I dont think i've felt this infuriated about an anime since Yesterday wo Utatte. I really want to like Komi Cant Communicate, hell if I were to rank it based on the first ep it would easily go in the first tiers. But my problem with this anime comes from a more rutted dislike of the portrayal of the characters more than anything in the following episodes. Specifically episode 4 with the whole kidnapping Tadano plot line where the queer coded character was psychotic and obsessive to a very yikers point,,,,, idk man kinda left me with a sour taste. Not to say the anime itself is bad, it has cute moments and characters here and there (shoutout to Tadano and Najimi being the best things of this anime) but my anger towards the portrayal of something I feel very connected towards like social anxiety and other thematics just left me ://

Takt Op. Destiny

I think Takt Op is an example of how we can confuse something stunning and artistically beautiful for a good anime. Imo from what i've watched (because I am not caught up) its painfully generic and although it has some cool scenes and stuff no character stands out and being categorized into the music genre seems like a big stretch but alas, if you enjoy it thats fine, the visuals are beautiful.

Platinum End

I don't know If this should above or below Takt Op but ive watched more episodes of this so hey maybe thats an indicator of hooking. I really don't have much to say about platinum end, I don't think its trash, I dont think its good either,,,, I feel like the concept is kinda neat although a bit overdone but yeah its fine. I liked this moment I put on the gif tho, that was very cool animated.

Sankaku Mado no Sotogawa wa Yoru

Objectively this should be lower but I liked the blonde with the piercing so it goes higher lmaoo. This is..... This.... I dont know? ASDFGHJK Its about..... exorcism? They..... Fuck each others souls or something? I have no idea what is going on half of the time in this but I feel like the source material had potential because some story plots are actually very interesting (like main blonde guy's backstory) but idk, I haven't read the manga so I wouldn't know.

Tsuki to Laika to Nosferatu

How can something with such an interesting premise be so painfully.... bland. Theres not much to say about this one, the pacing is very bad imo and the characters aren't substantial enough to hold interest. I watch this at x2 speed and idk.... The visuals are pretty and I do think eventually it will arrive to a cool arc and conclusion but for what ive seen its just very average. (also like this was the only gif I could find?? like?? asdfghj)

Visual Prison

Visual prison is definetely not for everyone sdfghjk I enjoy it for its premise and what not but I dont think the plot to anything about it is 100% the most original or intricate storytelling, its cute, its easy, nice visuals and boys, I take it Lmaooo. Tbh I am not the biggest fan of vampire themed shows, this is like I-Chu with Vampires and I dont really like vampires but I really like I-Chu so thats where we stand at.

Kyuuketsuki Sugu Shinu

Okay now onto the things I actually enjoyed asdfghj. I will start of saying this is not a show for everyone to enjoy tbh, its a comedy and its very raw and raunchy. John and Draluc are the best part of this and they are pretty faithful to the manga too. I think the gif is pretty self explanatory LMAOO.

Blue Period

I think most of what I would like to say about blue period has already been commented upon but wellp, I do agree the manga is better but the anime isnt the biggest piece of trash media to exist either. I think the animation lacks and the story got cut off at some points for the sake of rushing through the arc but the characters are there being cute and yatoyota my beloved so I enjoy it a lot ^^ Take this as an invitation to go read the manga ayeEEEe

Deji Meets Girl

You may find it unfair I rank a 2 minute episodic small animation but alas, I rank things based on what they offer and what they are and for what it is, Deji Meets Girl is absolutely beautiful and cute! Its an easy premise that I enjoy catching up to each week and the art is super cute, not much more to say on it. Rip Tumblr that has no gifs for them.

Mieruko-chan

Mieruko Chan was a show I wasnt even going to originally watch, I thought it would be fan service bait and I am not a big fan of that and although at some points it kinda is fan service bait, for what it is Mieruko Chan is one of the animes with better pacing I have ever watched. I dont know how to describe it but each episode hooks you even more and you cant look away and when I least expect it the ep is over and I am waiting to see what happens to poor Miko next week asdfghj I am defo picking up the manga.

Ousama Ranking

This is honestly tied with number one spot, Ousama Ranking absolutely destroyed my expectations for it and its a gem imo. This made me cried like a bitch and I think the simple animation adds way more than taking away and I just,,,,, I really dont wanna spoil it but if you like emotional symbolic stories defo watch this!!

Senpai ga Uzai Kouhai no Hanashi

Y'all dont know how much happiness watching this anime brings me asdfghj. Its adorable, the relationships are cute, the moments are wholesome,,,,, Its a very cute easy watch for those who enjoy romance anime and slice of life and I am definetely taking up the web manga afterwards ^^ Not much more on it other than I love it asdfgh

#I title this one 'waifu bait the season' #asdfghj jk but like am I? #I feel like ill get attacked for hating on Komi I am sorry I cant stand what they did with some of the stereotyped characters #i am not tagging all that so ill just tag the top ones lolll #my senpai is annoying #ousama ranking #mieruko chan #deji meets girl #blue period #anime #bruh I had to edit this because Tumblr messed up my entire post and placed things in disorder :))) anywayS

[latetaektalk]

hi there ^^' i'm... kinda new to this whole tumblr thing and have been wanting to write on here for a while but this huge place is kinda scary sometimes haha ;; do you have any writing tips or tricks that would be good to know for newcomers? (also your music taste is immaculate, i love it)

hey love 💕 first of all, welcome to tumblr!! its a fun place,, youre gonna love it, and learn to hate it lol second of all, thank you for complimenting my music taste 😳

now im not quite sure if you want only writing tips or writing blog tips, so ive included tips and tricks for both!

WRITING BLOG TIPS :

have a masterlist. this might seem stupid and obvious, but ive seen people with no masterlist. people are lazy, so if they cant access your writing easily, they will just click away.

have a clean theme. aesthetics are important. they are. people love clean and easy to navigate themes. again, people are lazy, so if you make it easy to click through your blog and get to your writing, youll increase the chance of people reading your stuff!

how to get your work show up in general. putting links in your fanfic might lead to your story not showing up in the search. ive also heard that a banner thats too big can cause that. even using too many tags can lead to your work not showing up. its complicated.

the first five tags. im sure youve heard abt this already but the first five tags are the tags that will actually show up! so if someone follows #bts fluff and you tag your fic with that, your fic can show up on people's dashes as a recommended post!

tag accordingly. speaking of tags, please tag accordingly! theres nothing more annoying than finding a jimin fanfic in the taehyung fanfic tag. i really discourage you from mistagging your stories. if im scrolling through the taehyung fanfic tag and find a jimin fanfic, it makes me want to not read it. just tag your fics accordingly.

reblog your fics. i mean it. seriously, reblog them as much as you want! people live in different time zones or sometimes forget abt wanting to read your stuff, so reblogging it consistently for a week or so to get it on people's dashes helps!

teasers and taglists. i recommend doing both! teasers help to get people excited for your story and taglists ensure that people will read it, or at least remember to!

dont stress abt notes. now, this is less of a tip but rather something i just really really really want to tell you! i know youve heard this before, but please do not stress about notes. tumblr fame does not exists! it doesnt matter if your writing gets 2 notes or 300 or 5k notes! i do understand how getting a lot of notes can be motivating (every fics deserve all the love in the world by the way!!) but in the end, it should not be your motiviation to write. focusing on notes will ruin writing for you. it will. the amount of notes your fic will reach has nothing to do with how good your writing is. dont let something as superficial as notes ruin the fun of writing for you. its seriously not worth it! write for you and no one else!

WRITING TIPS :

write self indulgent fics. i seriously think all fics should be self indulgent. writing fics should be fun, so please write whatever you want! also, theres no such thing as an overdone trope. if you want to write a fake dating enemies to lovers fic, please write it! you might think there are already a bunch out there and its not worth writing another one, but youre wrong! there isnt one out there thats been written by you yet. go write it!

make playlists. now this is a bit specific to me because im absolutely obsessed with music, but making playlists that fit the mood of the fic has always helped me while writing and gotten me out of writers block before!

take your time. writing is freaking hard and when writers block hits, theres rarely ever something that you can do. try not to stress too much abt it! it happens to the best of us!

balance dialogue and detail. its important to find a middle. if im reading a fic and theres paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of detail, the chance of me just skipping that part is really high. because even though i love detail, it does get boring. so use dialogue to spice it up!

reading. okay, this sounds weird because youre asking for writing tips, but reading seriously help your writing so much! if you wanna improve your writing skills, reading a lot is going to be key. now, im not saying reading is necessary, but i do think that it can help you to better! whats even more important though is that you try to analyse people’s writing while reading. when i say you should analyse people’s writing, i do not mean you should write an entire analysis of a book, but to take a second and think to yourself how the authors just did that. how did they convey oc’s sadness? why did they just describe the weather? whats the purpose of this scene?

switch up sentence/paragraph length. shorter sentences/paragraphs = emphasise something and pick up the pace. longer sentences/paragraphs = slow down the story and allow for more detail. its important that you do a mix of both. utilise the length to your advantage. a well placed short sentence/paragraph can pack a lot of punch and turn your sad story in a heartbreaking one.

outline your fics. look this is very personal again because some people dont like to outline their fics, but i recommend outlining your fics. and when i say outline your fics, you can do it as little or as much as you want! it can be a few notes, or a long list of every detail you want to include. i just want you to know where this story is headed. its so easy to write yourself in a corner and trust me, you dont wanna end up there.

allow yourself to be free. this connects to the previous point i just made. even though i do recommend outlining your fics, i am also a firm believer of taking the story somewhere else if you feel like it. ive scrapped complete outlines before. half of the scenes i write also arent in my outline at all. you dont have to stick to the outline. if you think that a specific scene would add something to your story, then please go ahead and write that scene. just always remember where youre headed and dont loose focus.

have fun. i just really wanna reiterate this point again. its just so important to me that you have fun while writing! seriously. its just fanfiction. it should be fun. go crazy. i support you!

okay bub i hope this was helpful 💕 if you have any other questions/want more tips/want me to elaborate on something, please just hit me up! my ask box is always open!

#writing tips #jimintopia #linh.ask

[hxt1b]

hi! i would like to request an nct ship :)

my favourite colour is blue, and my favourite number is 7! 3 things i like are, listening to music, sunsets and snacks. 3 things i dislike are people who are two-faced/backstabbers, being micro-managed and anyth horror related. some of my hobbies include watching movies/series etc (tho i watch really slowly bcus i get distracted easily hahah) i like listening to diff playlists on youtube/spotify, drawing and i also recently started getting into baking! (oh and idk if it counts but i love naps lol) if i would describe my personality as cheerful, open-minded, empathetic, likes to laugh (and easily too), and clumsy hahhah thank you so much in advance! <3

Thank you for participating!

I ship you with Mark.

Music was loudly playing through the speakers as you danced around your living room. You were waiting for the timer to go off so you could pull the cupcakes out of the oven. You jumped up on the couch as the chorus to your favourite song began to play you danced on the couch, your eyes closing as you sang along loudly.

You missed the door opening and Mark walking in your hands flying all over the place as you belted out the words. You started to move from one couch to the other to continue your performance, but with your eyes closed and your ever-present lack of coordination, you tripped and fell face-first into the other couch.

Loud laughter erupted from behind you forcing you to quickly get up and look at the source of Laughter. Mark was holding the back to the couch and laughing his face-off, a red tint taking over his face. You going in with him, laughing at your own embarrassment because why not, what the point in staying embarrassed.

He rounded the couch as his laughter calmed down and came and sat next to you.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I was just waiting for the cupcakes."

He nodded, as the timer went off grabbing your attention.

"Okay, I'm gonna quickly shower. While you do that."

"Okay." You said and let him get up first. You followed him going towards the kitchen as he went towards the room.

You watched it, and in all honesty, it felt like it was slow-motion as Mark opened the room door and tripped on nothing and stumbled forward. Forcing you both to erupt into laughter again.

But the time you managed to pull out the cupcake they were overdone.

I ship you with Mark because you both give me the same clumsy vibe along with the innocent type of easy laughs that are so cute. I feel like you two would have a lot of fun together, it would be easy going and simple. You guys could jam out to music together and trip over air together.

Again, thank you for participating, I hope you liked your blurb. Also, I apologize for any grammatical errors, I read it over but stuff always slips through.

Additional note: I just want to say that I don't personally know any of the boys so obviously everything I say is not facts I just go off what I see with the content they put out and thats obviously not them as a whole person seeing as they are in front of a camera. This is just for fun.

#nct #nct 127 #nct dream #nct mark #nct blurbs #nct doyoung #nct ships #nct ship blurbs #neocainshipevent

[im-not-a-joke]

Byler in college hcs?

mmmmm this is the good stuff

- ok theyve been together for a few years at this point because my brain refuses to process the idea that theyre that oblivious

- theyve wanted to move in together since they were kids, like, well before they even realized their feelings so joyce helped them start a savings account when they were 15 and they have a decent apartment fund going

- so they both apply to colleges near atlanta partially because theyre tired of the cold

- mike comes out like a week before they move

- he already has most of his stuff packed just in case

- karen is like “ily no matter what son” and ted just. doesnt react. like hes zoned out or something because he just doesnt do anything

- which upsets mike more than a negative reaction tbh

- will has been out for a while because joyce is the best mom

- so they move into like a tiny apartment and they turn the walls into a mess of art that will made (mike insisted they put it up) and random notes (sometimes connected by strings) because theyre both messes that forget important things

- neither of them are very social but occasionally one of them will be like “lets go to a party or something” and the other will be like “babe are you serious”

- they like to visit other party members in other states a lot

- mike isnt great a cooking but at least he doesnt burn things so he cooks most of the meals

- nancy will occasionally just drop by and be like “im here now” so they get a pullout sofa for when she stops by

- occasionally she will bring one of the other older sibling/babysitters with her but usually shes like “i cant handle mom and dad rn so il going to stay here for a bit”

- evenings are for homework and cuddles

- they dont get to spend a lot of time together so every few weeks they have a coffee date where they just take turns rambling about whatever 

- ok im trying not to make this overdone cliche stuff but will going to art school is the only valid career option for him soooo

- will always draws mike for his assignments

- “yeah thats my best friend, we’re roommates so it’s just easy to draw him”

- mike drags will to the zoo at least once a month

- “we need to get out more and there are baby penguins!!!”

- “i thought you didnt like animals?”

- “dart was gross, BUT, i held him the longest of anyone besides dustin”

- they still go all out for halloween and the kids in their complex love them for it

- they wear matching costumes and hand out full sized candy bars

- when they visit family for the holidays, they both feel odd not seeing each other all the time, even if its just a short drive over to each other’s houses

- “i miss will” “you literally saw him yesterday” “but that was so long ago” 

- they celebrate the end of the year by deep cleaning the apartment and inviting the whole party to atlanta for a few days

#this turned out longer than i thought so its going on the masterlist #byler #byeler #carson rambles

[radiovisual]

(( just my small two cents on the whole limbo topic--

(( tbh i hadn't really thought abt it much before? Ive seen the "limbo"/guaranteed regeneration for non-angel weapon death concept be used REALLY WELL in fics before, though, so im inclined to go with like... a version of it.

((bc i mean... i saw one fic that was like, yeah, youre actually technically still conscious when you 'die' in hell. and you Feel the entire regen process. So if youve been smeared across the pavement? Y o w c h, ya know! I think thatd be a pretty decent deturant towards getting killed or putting yourself in life threatening situations as much as possible!

(( and to kinda segway off that, i think thats Also the part of the reason Eating a sinners demon body will Also kill them Permanently--i can there being something about the Intention of actions done to the body that can affect whether or not they make it back--Hell is a magical realm, and even with mountains of technical regulations and rules, its something that is Embued into the environment--it could be wishy washy.

(( im hesitant personally to go with Alastor's eating ppl also Separately involving eating their soul--i just think that concept is kinda overdone and lost its charm, and frankly not my Alastor's style! I think he probably sees the flesh and the soul as one--especially in hell, since demon bodies appear to be a reflection OF their souls--, so by Eating the flesh, i think he also automatically is consuming their soul at the same time, due to the Intention he puts into the act itself.

(( im not sure if i believe that ANY method of non-angelic murder could work--if someone makes a gun out of hell produced material, i dont think itd Ever be able to erase a sinner. But, if getting Angel Weapons is as easy as it is for those two chicks in the pilot? Yeah, i think most Every sinner CAN get their hands on an angel weapon.

((The limbo concept i can see being useful moreso to deal with would-be accidental deaths. After all, a sinner isnt gonna be able to endure much suffering if they can get Erased being run over by a car right after falling. Theyve gotta be able to bounce back from stuff like that for HELL to work--because otherwise its just Earth 2: Electric Boogaloo

#{ ooc } #{ headcanons }

[lifedxbt]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. 

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?

I use canon as a base to grow from. Ofc a lot of my characterisation is HC based, or taking tiny bits of canon and twisting it a little. I try to follow canon where I can on Tseng -- but a lot of that is trying to analyse lines and mannerisms that might mean absolutely nothing.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutual.

He has so much depth and detail -- His entire character is based around two ideas; Nothing is more precious than a life AND Anything to complete a mission. The mental conflict is so fun to write and play with, its so fun to pick him apart

He cares so much about the people he deems worthy. He would kill for you, if you make yourself special for him.

Really dark content 

Beautifully composed and controlled asshole 

He’s so fucking pretty like look at this man???? He’s so pretty hes so hot

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  

He’s very much an asshole and can be quite aggressive

Hes really hard to ship with in a romantic sense if you’re writing anyone other than like... three muses. Even then??

Really dark content 

It’s can be really hard to write with him considering he’s quite... Uncontactable? I suppose. It’s hard to put him in certain situations

Because he’s an important character in the lives of other characters(in particular; Aerith, Zack, the Turks), my Tseng might absolutely conflict with the Tsengs people write into their backstories and thats so valid 

What inspired you to rp your muse?  

I really wanted to write a Turk. I really wanted to write someone within ShinRa because there are so many wonderful ShinRa blogs and I wanted to interact with them from the same side, not as Cloud. And Lazard and Angeal weren’t giving me that so... A new muse. Reno was out because my partner is going to write him eventually -- even if I have to bully them into it. And then Tseng wasn’t going to be my choice either because I know a friend had mentioned writing him once? And i didnt want to step on toes. But Rude isn’t my type and I kept getting drawn back to Tseng. 

So I made a blog for a character I barely knew and fell in love with him entirely

What keeps your inspiration going?

I really love meta. I love having a character I can deconstruct and pick apart and just completely unravel. Tseng is really good for that and.. It’s not overdone? I started getting really self conscious about my Cloud because there are so many Clouds. With Tseng I feel a little less lost in a sea of duplicates. -- I don’t follow any duplicates on this blog because Tseng was such a new muse and I was terrified of accidentally stealing HCs and ideas. 

So yeah deconstructing canon is really fun for me. But so is talking to people, plotting with people and building characters relationships. 

And honestly, people keep praising my dialogue and I cannot put into words how much that inspires me to keep writing. Dialogue is one of my favourite things to write and I’m so so glad people think it’s good. 

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO. - I actually think I do and I’m proud of myself for that

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO.  - Bully me into writing more

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO.

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?

Not really. Mostly because the things I write tend to be based off layers of unseen headcanons and thoughts. I feel like, if I got criticism that I didn’t request, I’d end up rambling and trying to justify myself and then feeling very off. I don’t write for anyone besides myself and my writing partners. There are other Tsengs you can write with if you don’t like mine. 

What I do accept tho, is suggestions. More from people I write with but like ‘hey instead of X have you considered Y’. 

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  

Yes please give them please please

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  

Theyre welcome to disagree with me but i dont see the point of making that known. I don’t expect everyone to agree with what I write - but I don’t necessarily need them to tell me.

The exception here is backstory. Personally, I have headcanons around Tseng being the one to teach Rufus to shoot. Thats not blog canon because I don’t put people in weird positions. If its headcanon based on other muses and the muns of said muses dont agree, im more interested in that discussion. 

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?

I truly dont mind. I write Tseng how I want to write him and thats that. Though people dont need to tell me they dont like my content. I dont know why people feel so entitled to that. just unfollow me and move on

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?

I don’t care? People are allowed to hate characters. Just dont like, aggressively hate my muse @ me? 

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  

Yeah but preferably whoever im writing with

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?

Yeah I’m just... chill. Im very low maintenance as a friend too, you dont need to talk to me a lot or anything to keep me interested. 

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @gyahahahaha this was v fun thank Tagging: for once im gonna tag someone cause @unattainabledreams is back and i wanna bully them

#god this was long #[Dash meme]

[mothgenes]

you don't have to answer if you don't want to but why do you hate hazbin so much? im just kinda trying to understand others point of view and im sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, feel free to ignore/delete this if you want.

nah dw about it as long as u dont reply to this or send another one like “oh idk i still love it” i wont get mad it gives me more opportunity to block hell hotel stans 

so there are many reasons here are a few

wlw named v4ggie which is super crass is specifically supposed to be salvadoran and her personality makes her an angry latina stereotype

ch4rlie is a white savior type of figure who wants to save everyone from themselves because she clearly knows better (reinforced by show to be the truth)

The Asexual Character (who i liked when i first saw, u gotta understand) is the BIG SCARY UNUSUAL ONE, who has SCARY powers that a HUMAN SOUL shouldnt have, as if he’s NOT HUMAN SOMEHOW..... scary inhuman and like. freak ass sadistic stalking murdering ace character like ok stop thnx (signed an irritated asexual)

4ngel dust HORRIBLE gay rep. he is The Gay One. his personality is 1) is gay, 2) is prostitute/sex freak who’s predatory and gets physical with uninterested people like the cat bartender man, 3) does drugs. his personality is those things almost exclusively! his design is not one that is respectfully showing a gay character. also: DRAG AND SLUT JOKES. BAD. (signed nby trans guy)

the hell itself thing is like HELLO. THIS IS HELL. IT IS VIOLENCE, BUT ALSO SEX AND DRUGS. PEOPLE IN HELL DO LOTS OF SEX AND DRUGS. SEX AND DRUGS ARE FOR SINNERS IN HELL. demonizes (literally) sex workers and drug addicts/abusers like HARDCORE, which is gross as fuck and overdone

“i dont touch the gays, i have standards.” need i go on? this was said straight without a humorous situation being involved. this was meant to be a JOKE, as if saying these things are FUNNY... gosh i really wish hh didnt touch the gays. i mean shit, WE have standards. (signed, a gay)

a lot of girl characters have x’s over their tits on their shirts and i think thats kinda fuckin gross and lazy

its family guy but edgier with a shitty muddled color palette with no contrast and shows off token representation as excuses for the “no touch gays” and “drag show” jokes n shit as if that makes it OKAY?

it is literally just family guy edgy hell, unfunny garbage sex and violence jokes with sexist and racist and homophobic and transphobic under and overtones throughout.

ALSO V1VZ1EPERSON LIKE. PROMOTED BLACKFACERS AND TERFS KINDA RECENTLY, RELATIVELY SPEAKING? AS LIKE, “CONTROVERSIAL WOMEN” , DRAWING THEM FANART???? CONTROVERSIAL???? U MEAN NASTY????

USED TO STEAL CHARACTER DESIGNS LIKE STRAIGHT UP FROM PEOPLE LIKE THE DIE YOUNG MUSIC VID MAIN CHARACTER

NEVER APOLOGIZED OR PUBLICLY DENOUNCED HER OLD HABIT OF DRAWING CHILDREN FUCKING SNAKES OR HER TEACHER-STUDENT PEDOPHILIA RELATIONSHIP SHE PROMOTED UNTIL LATER RET-CONNING IT INTO BEING NON-UNDERAGE?

MADE THESE CHARACTERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? AND SEEMS TO THINK THAT LIKING TO MAKE TRASHY CHARACTERS AND BEING DONE WITH IT MAKES IT OKAY TO MAKE TRASHY ASS HOMOPHOBIC FREAK SHIT CHARACTERS????? SELF AWARENESS GETS NO BROWNIE POINTS.

she also doesnt label her content as 18+ last i checked. its super easy to mark it as over eighteen or sensitive content, just a little button when uploading, but she doesnt bother. her artstyle attracts younger people, anywhere from like 12 to 15 and others. thats a PROBLEM!

ok i got a little angry and loud because hh is becoming a genuine trigger for me in that it makes me super nauseous and aggressive and anxious for kinda noticeable reasons according to above, (also im autistic and my emotions hit me like a boulder and getting upset or riled up too quickly can make me fuckin black out for a second so its a LOT)

so i’d appreciate not talking abt this more but i might as well answer. its not hard to find posts, some of which i’ve reblogged here, with actual links to sources for all of the vivshit.

anyway thats why i dont like it! preferably no follow up questions but i’ll block any freaks who come out to play

#mothmun mumbles #rant post #hell hotel #im not inviting freaks here #but this shit makes my face turn radish shade and need to lie down #if you read it all i applaud you #if youre still determined to defend vivperson and hell hotel after you read it all #i will block your ass so fast because like #how is at least half of this shit ok with people #i get some gays r cis white neurotypicals but like. #come on yall. seriously?? #long post #sighs #anon #ask

[odelocin]

My dad called me upstairs. He handed me a mirror with ketamine on it to share. Him and my mom spent the whole morning fighting over the most trivial shit because thats what they do. They fight. They argue. My dad is a textbook narcissist. I don’t like to even say it because I feel bad that he’ll never comprehend why he is the problem, but most of the time he is. He’s learned to spin things around and he has made my mom lose her mind slowly over the last 26 years. I want her to run away and be free but at the same time I don’t want my dad to be alone because he wouldn’t last. I hate that this is even my problem but he makes it my problem. I can tell he wants me to fix things when he comes to me with help because maybe he is confusing himself as much as he confuses everyone else. He wants my help until I say something that makes him feel bad about himself. Then he ignores me. Anyways I did the ketamine because it was there. I regret it because it makes me feel like im dying and is intensifying every pain inside. My mom gets so rocked off of it and it truly hurts to watch, I know she wont die from it and part of me feels a little relief to know that she is getting relief from that headache of a relationship for a small amount of time. I still don’t like it though. I feel out of control. I don’t want to leave my family behind I want to help raise them up but lately it has only been bringing me down. I got a good job. I graduated college. I am trying so fucking hard to succeed so I can not only live a comfortable life but I dream of having the kind of money that allows me to take care of all of their problems. If I had that kind of money I would offer them all the security and comfort they need as long as they go to a rehabilitation center first and get clean and see a therapist. I know it can happen. I just have to be patient and work hard. and not fuck this up by succumbing to the addiction around me. It’s crazy how addiction can work. I don’t even seek drugs they literally seek me. I get handed and offered so much stuff and its just so enticing and easy to accept because yea in that moment it takes away the feelings that I don’t want to feel anymore. But that throbbing pain inside doesn’t go away. It gets louder. I get guilty. I promise I’ll never do it again and then it finds its way to me again. I could run away from it all but that would mean leaving my family behind and I am not willing to do so. I will try until I fucking die to get my family to be healthy and happy. Happiness and peace seem so foreign to me sometimes. Like it is a fairytale to have a peaceful home life with growth and support. My soul craves it. I will make it happen. Do not forget why you are doing this. This is why I am writing. It helps make me aware of everything going on in my mind because a lot of the times its just passing by internally and I don’t even know whats happening until it has happened. I won’t fuck this job up. I will do the complete opposite. I will excel so hard!!!! It’s not an easy job but this is my path. Nobody is ever supposed to see this but if by chance someone is reading, don’t mind how all over the place I am in my writing. This isn’t meant to be a nice piece of work. This is the messiness of my mind. Maybe with time it will clear out. I envision the life I want and I know it is a possibility for me. I just don’t want to leave my family behind to get it. The universe I feel is testing me by making me want to leave and do things on my own, but that is so overdone. I need to stay behind and make this work.