#bc i'd spent years on that first draft

[loreensdarling]

so I finally finished this?? after months??

I'm no artist and drew this with my finger, have mercy on me, it's been sitting in my drafts for a while and I've worked on it for over 2 weeks now to finish it and I'm finally done and this is pure agony, idfk how actual artists do this like every day 😭😭

DISCLAIMER below the cut bc it won't fit up here

I feel like I should clarify this again. I am not an artist, I do not know anatomy, color theory or how to draw skin. I've been told the colors are off and I am aware of that. I am already working on another piece and I hope to improve with time, but for now I can only say: this was my first big project ever. I've only messed around before. This project did not turn out how I wanted it to and that is more than just okay.

I'm posting this because I spent way too much time on it to NOT post it and I eventually want to look back in a few years and see the progress I've made.

If you have any advice or criticism, please don't be rude about it, I'm very sensitive about critique and generally have a hard time taking it, so I'd appreciate it if y'all could be nice about it anyways.

(also I sacrificed almost 7h active work time on this so please have mercy on me, I'll cry)

ALSO PLS PLS PLS NOTICE THE BLUSH THEY'RE BOTH BLUSHING THIS IS SHIP ART THEY'RE GAY THEY'RE LESBIANS!!!

again, I'm not an artist, this was drawn with my finger??? I think it's shitty but I invested too much time into it to NOT post it

#shin hati #sabine wren #wolfwren #star wars #shinbine #sabine wren x shin hati #ahsoka #ahsoka series #ahsoka show #sabine x shin #art #my art #loreensdarling #loreensdarling art #art tag or whatever? #I've got my next project planned #it's hera and jacen <33 #and I have so many poses saved #so much planned #THEY'RE LESBIANS HAROLD

[livwritesstuff]

I need to know how you chose the names for steddies kids bc they are 👌 perf

hello can I just say that I've been dying to be asked about this bc literally it was borderline detective work on my part istg and I'd love to share the thought process.

Moe's name was the easiest for me to decide. I was already using Maureen as Eddie's mom's name (and believe it or not I really wasn't planning on this series turning into a kid-fic but here we are). A bit later I learned that my younger cousin has a friend named Maureen who goes by Moe and I just thought there was something very Steddie about that. I felt like Steve would adore the name Lucy the second he heard it, and Lucy Maureen flows well so I went with it.

Like with Moe, I already had the middle names for the younger two (Robin and James) picked out early on. Their first names were way harder bc I had to get analytical about what names Steve/Eddie would be likely to like and choose given that they liked and chose Lucy.

(Major thanks to the social security baby name records because you can narrow the stats down by state woop woop)

According to my research, Lucy ranked #306 in MA the year she was born (2001), seeing its previous peak in the late 1800s before slowly falling off – so a relatively unpopular name that they would have jumped on right before a rapid gain in popularity (it was #48 in 2022 – 2023 list hasn't been released yet). As was discussed in ch. 1 of plant a seed, Lucy is also somewhat of a compromise between Eddie's suggestion of Luciana (very Shakespearean) and Steve's desire for their kids to have "normal" names.

SO – whether Steve and Eddie know it or not, their tastes combine into:

old, uncommon names that are about to see a resurgence and are also vague diminutives of names seen in classic lit

From here, my search began.

Amelia's name was absolutely the most difficult for me to figure out by a landslide. She was originally Eleanor, which I liked but didn't love. Then she spent the entire first draft of Plant a Seed as Madeline, but I really didn't like the flow of Madeline Robin (and I see Steve as someone who absolutely full-names his kids when they're acting out so that was definitely something I considered). From there I landed on Amelia.

Amelia ranked #111 in 2003, so it was a little more mainstream than Lucy (which is part of why I didn't just go with it from the start tbh but that's just me being nit-picky). It has links to Evangeline, which Ed would have adored and Steve would have thought was too dramatic. Amelia would have been a solid compromise, and I think Amelia Robin flows really nicely.

As for Hazel, it just seems to me like a name Steve and Eddie would hear and immediately both like, especially paired with James. Hazel was ranked #467 in 2006 and over the next decade, its popularity increased exponentially. It's now regularly within the top 50 names in the US.

And then, after all that work, they go by nicknames 🙃

#someone go tell that tiktokker who predicts influencer baby names that she's fired #jk don't do that #liv says stuff #liv's steddie dads verse

[geometricalien]

15 people, 15 questions

Tagged by @ultfreakme thank you!! 💕💕

1.) Are you named after anyone?

My first name is biblical and since my parents are Christian and my sibling also has a biblical name, I always presumed it was bc of that. My middle name though is actually a last name from my lineage

2.) When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday! It was day 2 of being home alone since my roommate left for the week and I was feeling particularly lonely since another friend wasn't able to hang out with me the last couple of days in addition to feeling isolated from family during the holiday season Plus being on my period --- yeahhh

3.) Do you have kids?

No. Nope. Nuh uh. Ask me again in 10 years

4.) What sports do you play/have played?

I did volleyball and basketball a lot in my youth, did soccer in elementary school

5.) Do you use sarcasm?

Sometimes. Mostly only with friends when we know we are being sarcastic and are playing it up? Otherwise, I'm just such a literal person I hardly use it elsewhere (even when my friends and I are joking/using sarcasm we often say "just kidding" afterwards)

6.) What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Honestly height and hair. I have such bad face blindness, and I've had it forever. But I'll remember if someone was taller/shorter than me and their hair color

7.) What’s your eye colour?

Grayish blue. They were described like ice before if that helps

8.) Scary movies or happy endings?

Depends on my mood. I like horror movies and there are just so many different kinds- I haven't found a movie that genuinely scares me in a long time though... The last one I remember was Nope. I walked out of the theater and was just watching all the clouds in the sky fkdlsajf

9.) Any talents?

Nothing is really coming to mind... I guess I'm crafty? And it shows itself in different ways. I enjoy the process of creating. Be it in writing or drawing or baking and decorating or following steps- I enjoy having a vision and creating it

10.) Where were you born?

Usa

11.) What are your hobbies?

I read books and fanfiction, I write fanfiction, watch anime and shows, cook, bake, play genshin impact. I've been playing wordle every day for almost a year now. I like tactical stuff with instructions- like legos or putting together furniture- I got this DIY book nook last week and spent like 8 hours putting it together. In school as part of the STEM program we learned how to draft both by hand and on the computer through CAD and Solidworks- those were fun. I miss that. Again it uses that same part of the brain as legos. I also like playing with cards. I have solitaire and pinocle on my phone. I was also learning how to play chess (like the strategy part)

12.) Do you have any pets?

My family home has the cat I got my 8th birthday (barn cat, brown tabby with four white socks on his paws). In the apartment though there is my roommate's black lab, half ragdoll half Siamese cat, and who knows how many fish that keep having babies

13.) How tall are you?

5'10'' (on a good day sshhh)

14.) Favourite subject in school?

MATH HELLO! (......... but also the drafting classes damn i miss those)

15.) Dream job?

Can there be such a thing as having extreme trivia knowledge on my fandoms? I'd like that alot but otherwise.... I'd like to work at one of those cat [Blank] things. Be it a café or a bar or a bookstore (that'd be awesome!!) I think that would be fun

Tagging @alienjack @szivtalan @glitt-erm @amnestyaubrey @farklelucas @brazilian-whalien52 @bloodyspade0000 @traditionalartist @illbebuyingallofthoseflowers and anyone else who sees this and wants to hop in ☺️

#ask game #tags #personal questions? #the talent and hobby one were hard #bc yeah i can do things! paint draw write sing! but i wouldnt necessarily say im Talented at them. i can pluck at a piano. dont give me a #song and expect me to play good/well in a week though. #the one thing i thought i could say i excel in was math and thats... #dont ask me to do simple math like add two numbers. i suck at quick math like that that relies on memory. bc yeah i know what 6×7 is! or #18+5! but it takes my brain a moment to find the answer or remember and process the way to solve something. #but i say i majored in math and people oooo and ahhhh and say you must be good at math!! #i hate math!! #and like- yes and i get it. sometimes i do to. #to want to major in math means you must have had some success and fallen in love with it. and yeah that success can come through innate ski #ll or trial or both. #i found that my love for math deepens when i struggle bc that makes the success that much sweeter. #i feel like there is a connection in this struggle and solving with the bringing about a vision from crafting... #maybe they just have a similar feeling of success. maybe thats all... #but its not i feel in my gut that its not. #writing a proof and beginning with a vision and seeing where the logic leads is very similar to starting a project- be it building something #or writing a novel or starting a painting. you follow the flow and see where it leads you. access if its met its goal or expectations. #and fix the mistakes and if necessary start all over with a new approach. #it is creation. #sorry for the ramblings

[ineveryspaceandtime]

i'm a dumbass who didn't realise saving asks to my drafts instead of posting immediately would result in the ask getting eaten </3 but @ballad-of-what-could-have-been here's my response, thank you for your ask! 😘😘

8. three songs that remind you most of summer and vacation

these aren't v summery songs bc i usually go on vacation at the end of the year!

i pretty much listened to this song on loop when i spent my day at the retiro park in madrid <3

zayn released his second album when i was on the same trip! the album and madrid are now intrinsically linked in my mind <3 this song is also where i got my @ from hehe

this album was my soundtrack while i was travelling from sapa to hanoi in a sleeper bus!

21. three songs of your childhood

omg i was proper obsessed w this album. i'd go over to my (much) older cousins' house just to park myself in front of their cd player to listen to this on repeat djjfdhs i'm fairly sure they were sick of me. also negl i still go wild when i hear this tune lmao

according to my mum, i used to embarrass her by singing this one obnoxiously loudly as a child <3

the first choral song i ever learnt!

SORRY for rambling, i just can't share these songs without explaining their significance lol 😭

#lux.txt

[lerios]

tagged by all time icon @baynton 💕 this has been in my drafts for like a month because i wanted to answer it after i properly started succession but now i get the feeling its gonna take a while to get a proper grip of that show lmao😅

List 5 favourite shows (in no particular order) and answer questions accordingly.

1. bbc quacks

2. firefly (my absolute beloved 😍)

3. its always sunny in philidelphia

4. bbc ghosts

5. fuck it, critical role (i don't watch much TV lol)

1. Who is your favourite character in 2?

Favourite? probably Wash my gorgeous comedy boy with an icon wife i spent years simping over, BUT i don't think we can ignore how fucking fixated i was on Simon. like, he was gender envy before i knew that Gender™ was a thing.

2. Who is your least favourite character in 1?

i lowkey highkey want to throw hands with Robert. how dare you marry a girlboss and then not appreciate her wtf. give me her number

3. What’s your favourite episode of 4?

the Thomas Thorne Affair popped off. like yeah sure my skrunkly is centre stage but also the episode is just really well done.

4. What is your favourite season of 5?

I AM A SEASON 1 TRUTHER. vox machina i miss you so much 😭

5. What’s your favourite relationship in 3?

charlie mac brotp.

6. Who is your anti relationship in 2?

jayne/river shippers are wild, she's like 12 and they don't even get along (also jayne/simon is the real OTP)

7. How long have you watched 1?

well i first posted about it in march, so like 5 months probably

8. How did you become interested in 3?

my mate jon said there was a musical episode so i watched like 10 seasons of it lol.

9. Who is your favourite actor in 4?

okay i don't really know anything about any of them, but ben seems like a vibe. i too write mostly depressing shit and don't talk to anyone about anything 🥰

10. Which show do you prefer 1, 2 or 5?

firefly

11. Which show have you seen more episodes of 1 or 3?

3 because theres 16 seasons of always sunny and only 1 season of quacks 😭😭😭

12. If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be?

my man mike is alive and has a magical badass wife that can talk to ghosts.

13. How would you kill off your favourite character in 5?

my man Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo the third can never die, fuck off. (i'd kill him in a suitably emo way probably. he dies alone and still demon-infested, having scared the rest of vox machina away from caring about him once and for all, then probably getting converted into a vampire).

14. Would a ¾ crossover work?

asdagjsdag YES the gang would make such a big deal of having ghosts, they'd probably try to make money off of julian somehow. robin and charlie would be 100% best friends. the captain would be having a breakdown at thier impropriety 24/7 but fanny would get along with them way better than she'd expect lol

15. Pair two characters in 1 that would make an unlikely, but strangely okay couple.

okay theres not many characters in quacks but i would love to see john/william. john absolutely needs to drug him 🥰

16. Overall, which show has the better cast, 3 or 5?

probably 5 because i got Parasocial about them for a while. pro-lgbt kings.

and i’m tagging: fucking nobody because i don't have the braincells to do social shit rn but i wanted do this when i found it again bc it looked fun

[driluth]

hi it's been a minute

i have officially deleted my public tw*tter account, even before its "downfall" it just became too anxiety inducing and ultimately felt like a lot of people were being meanspirited and i simply do not have the energy for it!! fandom twitter, for whatever reason, is just so draining and i cannot keep up with all the hype for every new tv show that comes out lmao. it is also insane how much time i have without it.

i've read 50 books this year, and have currently listened to 40 something albums?? i'd like to make a list of my top 5 for both categories but i'm too sleepy for that rn. and i have a few more albums to listen to first!!

oddly i have not watched that many movies this year but it's probably bc i've spent so much time watching twd (11 seasons) and the spinoffs!! truly it is one of my favorite show of all time and rewatching it has been a very emotional journey.

it's funny bc back in 2020, she-ra was the only thing i'd watch on repeat bc i needed something lighter and happier and now my current fixation is one of the darkest tv shows of all time. (it's called range.) but as dark as it gets i'd argue that a lot of it IS about the love and hope that's still in the world. it's characters choosing to be kind to each other and doing whatever it takes to fight for each other bc that group of people love each other so much!! (wish it wasn't As dark tho and there are definitely some creative choices i would have handled differently but that's for another post, maybe. i have too many thoughts about that show i nearly made a side blog for it but i am too lazy for that haha.)

i moved in w one of my oldest friends and we live next to a lot of deer and it just such a peaceful and quiet place. i have a new job that still gives me plenty of time to write which i am so so excited about bc i have so much to do both in terms of original content and fanfiction!! (tho who knows how long that will last bc $$ wise i might need to take on a second job or find something else but it is Rough out there i'm just grateful to be employed at all)

i do have some catra/adora fics in the works (one goes soooo hard but i'm probably gonna save it for something special like valentine's day or something) but admittedly some of what i'm the most excited about is twd fic, was not expecting daryl/connie to have my whole heart but here we are. they currently have less than 150 fics on ao3 and it's a crime.

the book i started writing last year i want to turn into a screenplay and i have a new book i'm drafting and every day i am so excited to sit down and write for it these characters are everything 2 me. can't wait to share them one day!! got some very fucked up lesbians as i should!!

anyways, i've had a lot more space to myself and have been able to do a lot of reflecting. i feel older, i feel confident in what i'm doing, and i mostly feel grateful. i feel very grateful to live this life i have created for myself, grateful to live close to my friends and close to my family and close to my favorite area in my city!! and as many problems as there are w this site i am grateful for this lil space on the internet!! been through many different stages of my life on here and it's nice to have something consistent.

lots of love to you all 💕 

#rhys.txt

[neveralarch]

You said older fics were open 👀 👀 so 1, 5, 9 for Passé please because I’m obsessed with it

(transformers fencing au, megatron & starscream, wheeljack/starscream)

Thank you for asking about passe!! I've been holding onto this until I had enough time to give it a good answer haha

(under the cut for brief references to abuse in sport)

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

The basic story behind fencing au is that I was refereeing at a fencing tournament and the person who'd been put as my roommate spent one evening telling me about everyone in fencing who had Wronged them. I'd already heard a lot of these stories from the other side, versions where this person had been causing the drama instead of receiving it. None of it was very serious and I don't know what the 'correct' version was but it just got me thinking about like... The stories we tell ourselves and the ways we justify things we've done wrong or that've been done to us.

At the same time, fencing (and Olympic sports in general) were going through a lot of discussions about how to confront abuse, and what to do with people who had been punished and returned to the sport, and I kinda just wanted to muddle through this in a fictional space with robots. This is pretty much what I do with all heavy topics nowadays.

(ughh tumblr deleted this next paragraph, WHY)

It was always my intention to finish the main story arc with a Megatron pov fic where you'd finally get that other side of the story that had been hinted at. Where you'd see that Megatron was likeable and trying to genuinely come back to this sport he loved ... But also have to confront that he really did poison it in ways that were maybe worse than you thought. It was super cathartic to write but I was a little worried about how it would be received. It's been so great over the years to see how it's resonated with people.

5: What part was hardest to write?

Fun fact, Passe was written pretty much entirely by voice memo. I drive 45 minutes each way to fencing so I used to write fic on the way back at night and then edit it as I typed it up later. This is actually great for just getting a first draft out of yourself but you also have to remember a Lot. Which is why I accidentally wrote the final bout twice. And then had to edit the versions together haha.

In general, it was really tricky to figure out how to write fencing action in a way that was accurate without being tedious or confusing to the non fencer. I also spent a LOT of time on that final confrontation with starscream, bc I wanted it to be satisfying without descending into stiff therapy roleplay. Lots of tricky parts!

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

Tbh since I had the whole thing planned out early, I never really considered alternate versions. EXCEPT that before I decided it would be distracting to shove in this much detail and a little jarring to the tone, the first team Megatron fenced was supposed to be Kup and his buddies Phork and Spuun.

#fanfic meme

[warriorend]

so here's the thing. on my computer i have a folder full of Shit From Highschool, ranging from sophomore year to senior year, & most of it is admittedly classwork & so it's very boring. however. my file naming conventions Have Not Changed.

woe

this one is 11 documents, maybe two of which are actual english assignments. the rest are stories. one of which is from junior high, actually, hold on a second,

this one is accurate, & is. now that i look at it. also from junior high. i had a computer class that had a typing teaching program & one of the options was just a freetyping box, & what i'd usually do is some exercises & then i'd go type shit in the free zone. & then i'd copy & paste it into a notepad before class ended. good times ig

these are named appropriately, i believe the titles were standardized for submission purposes, but. yknow. i feel like we spent close to 9 weeks on hamlet partially because of doing This (which isn't a complaint, i didn't mind it, i just. yknow. lot of analyzing)

same class. the first 3 were author/book reports, the fourth one was the final project for the aforementioned hamlet thing, which was. 10 pages of analysis. arguably not that much, but

yeah

yeah x2

stream of consciousness rough draft for the final hamlet essay. i did change the name before i turned it in, bc my teacher would have Killed me if i didn't, but

still haven't learned my lesson, i see

explains what my brain does at least once per day

idk it's a pixelly crop of a map idk what it's doing in here

i can't remember which one this was for but i do know what's in it, & "medical terms" is such a vague descriptor it's mostly useless. it's a list of word roots.

you see.

i believe it was an assignment given to us to do, not a De Facto Correct List, so if that (very small) section is incorrect. sorry. take it up with 17 year old me ig

my beloved dumbass wizard (<- affectionate)

incorrect they do (judging from the file, it was a book report i had pushed to last minute)

more of that fucking hamlet essay sorry

and now we enter into my personal hell born of hubris, which was that you don't need to give a google doc a title for it to save, it just gets saved as "untitled document" with a number after it if there's other untitled documents.

i'm bad at naming files.

i have tried to sort through these. usually i just pull out whichever one i'm after, rename it, and then fuck off again, because i don't have the time to sort through 90 odd unnamed documents.

in conclusion:

#every time i look at Untitled Document Hell i groan and look the other way

[drippingmoon]

something like warmth

“No.” [Tyrone's] voice had taken a harsh quality to it, that made [Anne] halt. “No! If you don't want to tell me, that's fine. But to say I'd lie... I... do to you something like that...”

She’d heard those words before. Still from him, a different color, the same shade. And something came over her then, something –

“I know,” she crooned, words cradling.

Before he realized it, she'd reached out. Hand going not for his shoulder in comfort, but coming up and cupping the side of his face.

He froze, then. Suspended in a feeling he wouldn't give a name to.

The time he had come to know it – it had been back then. Watching her drop out of the skies scared witless by the dust dispersing, by something so small. It had been enough. In that moment, the glow in her eyes, the fear, the gentleness.

He'd worship her forever after.

How different could angels be?

Now, he wanted her to see. Even if he wouldn't put a name to it - his hands reached up. Found purchase on her wrist, holding it in place, meeting her eyes.

Maybe, someday, she'd care about him as much as she cared about her skies, her home. Maybe not today, but as long as he held on –

For him that day had come long ago.

“I took it too far. Though you're not to blame, you've made me fearful.” He opened his mouth, startled. Anne gently clinked their foreheads together, cutting him off.

“I'm grateful for that. As long as I didn't, I forgot to treasure what was below, too.”

He stopped breathing. Lost in her gaze as she'd knelt, to better hold his. He saw his own outline in her white pupil, he saw the emotion bleeding on his face. And for all those moments, the feeling they shared was one and the same.

The same warmth. His insides churned so much that it ached, that he might just burn out. For a heartbeat, he didn't understand.

Her thumb brushed over his cheek, dispersing any shadow of doubt.

He left his entire weight into her hold. His gaze was getting blurry, so he nuzzled into her palm. Tears dripping even as she brushed them away.

And she held him. One angel and a human child. And neither was below; and neither was above.

A very merry Christmas and happy new year to you all! This will be the last of my weekend-ly excerpts for a couple of weeks or so, since now I'm embarking on that special journey to see how much I forgot of what I've written.

#aquiver-aglow #draft 2 #my writing #original writing #anne: *tentatively makes some baby steps into showing affection bc it's been years and she knows he's dear to her* #also anne: *gets attacked by affection* #pls i love them so much #in their most intense moments of closeness they never speak out loud #they look at each other and *see* in the other's face what they've known all along #all those thoughts that have grown like a song and they needn't speak #this takes place during the last wandering by the way #i also like writing tyrone so much. he's in such an unique position that he's often experiencing things for the first time in his life #and you can see him organically drawing his own conclusions and how they come to weight later on #(when they're not hella random🤣🤣 or borderline concerning that is) #i don't think i've said this but he has a turning-to-villain arc. woops #and in that corruption arc he sees where everything he's learned takes him<3 i really love it #i never thought i'd enjoy writing a character this much but he's been a real joy. and my only helper in keeping to the plot😭 #bless his natural curiosity #if you're surprised by the corruption arc... well that was to be expected since he spent so much time next to anne^^😶

[nothorses]

Hi! Can I ask for advice? I'm going on T soon enough (holy shit it seemed so far away but now I'm almost there!!! I'll still have to wait some months but I was afraid I would never be able to access it) and it'll soon be necessary to come out to some relatives that I know won't take it well. I love them a lot and I don't want to lose them, do you have advice on how to soften the blow when coming out to older relatives?

Also I don't know how to navigate the next year, bc people I'm not out to will see me change, or people I don't know will see my alias name at uni and see that I haven't changed and I don't look like a dude, I'm just so scared. I'm so happy for going on t but I'd like to disappear for a couple years and come back when I'm out of this weird limbo

Congrats, omg! That's so exciting!

I came out to most of my family all at once, and it went fairly well, but I spent a lot of time thinking about and planning how I was going to go about it. Here's what I recommend:

Choose who you come out to when, and how you come out to them, very intentionally. Consider factors like whether they'll be offended if you don't do it privately or in person/over the phone, and whether a group format might help stifle outbursts. Consider prioritizing people who are closer to you (and might feel they "deserve to know first") and people who are likely to have your back if others respond poorly.

Think about (and write down) why you're coming out. What is changing that other people should be aware of, what do you need from other people, how should their treatment of you be different? What kind of support do you want from them? (Name/pronouns, gendered language, transition changes they will notice so shouldn't be surprised by?) Include this when you come out.

Think about (and write down) what, exactly, you are coming out as. Make sure to say the label, specifically and clearly, when you come out. Don't leave it up to assumptions and guesswork.

If you haven't already, consider buttering folks up in your reasons for coming out a bit: "I care about you and want you to be involved in my life", "I don't want to be dishonest/hide anything from you", "This is difficult for me, and I really value the support you've given me in other areas of my life. I hope I can count on you in this as well." If they're likely to respond poorly, maybe don't feel bad preemptively guilting them into supporting you a little more.

Acknowledge their feelings: they might be feeling confused, they might need time to adjust, they might not understand what you're coming out as, etc. Make sure they know you don't expect perfection right away, and that as long as you know they're trying, you'll be happy. (But don't be afraid to enforce boundaries going forward)

Offer to provide resources. Set yourself up as the person to come to with questions, and try to avoid letting them find misleading or unhelpful resources that might persuade them not to support you. Maybe even search some up and pair them with your coming out right off the bat.

Write a script, or draft a post/email/whatever, and try to stick to it. Give yourself time to feel ready, and prioritize your comfort over all else: remember, you don't owe anyone a coming out! This is about you, not them, and you have some time (even on HRT! I was on T for two months while living with my dad, and he didn't know until I came out and told him.) If things get dicey, have a plan to step out of the situation until they calm down again.

Good luck! I hope it goes well- and I hope you have at least some folks you can count on to support you in this.

#advice #coming out

[fenristheorem]

Lance finding out that Gardienne killed herself? After a while of her being in the HQ again, he has fallen in love with her. She just couldn't bear those seven years, having lost that many people and being here just to save this world by suffering.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he knocked her door, he worried bc no one answered, and he finds her hanged up.

I know this is really specific, it's just kind of my OC ending😅😅 anyway, I'd understand if you weren't comfortable with this.

So I’m going to talk about the boundaries of what I write for a moment, starting by saying that I will write this BUT I won’t write detailed suicide scenes due to the sensitive nature of it.

This ask isn’t asking for a detailed scene, it’s asking for the effects the decision has on Lance, and because it’s asking for the long-term effects and not a scenario I’m just fine with writing this. 

Thank you for asking this, Anon, genuinely. Being this specific was probably what gave me the push to write this in the end because I know you were looking for the reaction and not the actual scene. This is a good example of a post that walks along the lines of what I will and won’t write so anyone requesting future asks with a similar subject gets a better idea of what to ask.

Also, I apologize for how long this took to write. This ask was, unfortunately, the one that spent the most time eaten in my drafts folder so I couldn’t work on it until about a week ago. Fortunately that gave me a lot of time to think over how to best write this, so I think this’ll be appropriately written considering the subject.

*Warning / Note: This post contains heavy depressive themes and suicidal mentions, as evident by the ask and what I wrote above. I’m aware that this is a very sensitive subject and I intend to treat it with appropriate seriousness. This is not a happy post, please only read this if you know this won’t lead you down a dark path. To me, writing is another form of art, meant to express and draw out emotions from the audience, so I won’t subside the intensity of my writing even with this being a sensitive subject. I don’t intend to drive anyone to harm themselves, but I do intend to write with the intensity that I always do because this is my artform; so please prepare for heavy themes or don’t read if you’re not comfortable with this. On a side note: I care about everyone, I really do, so please take care of yourselves. If you’re feeling depressive or suicidal, talk to someone, please. There is always someone who cares about you.

Technically Guardienne's death may have a major adverse effect on Eldarya due to her link with the crystal, but for the sake of this ask I'll ignore any possible effects like that.

~Under the cut~

Lance’s reaction to Guardienne’s suicide:

Lance had seen a lot of terrible things in life and had done many terrible things in his life, but this reached a new type of fucked up for him. Not because it's truly disturbing - although it is deeply disturbing - but because it fucked him up even more in a way that he neither thought could be possible nor that he could bear.

He’s convinced that he’s cursed; everything that’s happened to him has been his fault. He started the war within Eldarya, destroyed so many faeries’ lives, killed his own brother, and now the woman he loved is dead because of him as well. Sure, he wasn’t the one to tie the rope around her neck, but there are signs for these sorts of things. Was he truly that blind that he couldn’t see that she was in pain? Did he ever truly love her if he couldn’t see the pain? Would she have done anything differently if he wasn’t there to constantly remind her of everything that was lost?

Lance believes he deserves this. He’s caused so much pain and agony for everyone, it only makes sense that he should be the one in pain now. Lance won’t try to fight the agony he’s in, he’ll let himself drown in it for nights on end to wake up - or not even sleep to begin with - feeling exhausted, reckless, irritated and - overall - worthless. He’s sure to emerge from his room in the morning without the slightest hint that he’s been sobbing quietly with the feeling of a dagger twisting itself over and over within his chest all night, and he’ll refuse to answer any questions about if he’s alright after the recent events. He was the one to find her after all; it would make sense that he was hit the hardest...

In the daytime he’ll be rough and withholding, keeping the Obsidian guard in a tight hold to reflect how he needs to hold himself tightly to keep from falling apart. It’s one thing for him feel and express emotions, but this feeling is an entirely different thing; this is something that should not be released into Eldarya. He realizes it and knows that this feeling - something that he recognizes all too well from his past - threatens to destroy everything that he worked so hard to gain in the past seven years.

Mathieu will notice Lance’s change in temperament immediately, and being the kind man he is he’ll want to be there for the dragon, but Lance won’t be looking for comfort; he’ll be looking for something that will change the past and take back everything that happened. But that’s impossible - he knows that - and so he’ll be stuck in a state of limbo, deemed to mourn for his unknown, unrealized love until... something happens to change him.

Ice cold fear will wash over him some days as he recognizes the familiar feeling that haunted him in the past, and while he’ll be aching to reach out to lean on someone for support - afraid of this feeling overwhelming him again - he’ll feel that he can’t lean on anyone. He doesn’t deserve that support at this point after all he’s done, and there’s so many others who are busy grieving; the guard needs him to be strong now. However, on occasion - when he has a clear mind - he’ll grieve gently with someone who’s somewhat close to him, sharing kind memories of Guardienne and gently advising them to spend time around friends if his co-worker feels it’s needed. He’ll never completely break in front of anyone though, he can’t bring himself to. 

However, Lance falls apart immediately when he’s alone, sometimes even lingering in the conference room for a few minutes after a meeting to allow himself the private time alone to recollect himself. Grief will randomly hit him throughout the day, constricting his throat, burning his chest, and glassing over his eyes - and every time he’ll excuse himself from his company to isolate himself until he regains control again. This, of course, is taken into notice by a few others around the guard, and slowly there’ll be people who realize that Lance is not fine.

This becomes a further issue over time as his grief slowly turns into anger and disgust, and this is when that familiar, ominous feeling from his past really rears it’s ugly face. He should have seen something. Was he really that terrible to her that she felt she couldn’t trust him? Was everyone really that blind to not see her hurting?

Lance finds that he begins to choose to isolate himself, mentally and physically. He’ll leave the guards members alone that have stated they need time off, but he won’t be very forgiving with those who have chosen to continue their work but seem to be slacking. His mentality is that if you can’t handle continuing on, then don’t offer your service as it’ll become a hindrance, and this quickly becomes a major issue.

Huang Hua - knowing how important Guardienne was to Eldarya, and the guard especially - has let it be known that if anyone needs a break from their responsibilities, then it’ll be allowed, but she will stress that those who feel they can continue to function please try to do so, and be lenient and take on a few responsibilities that aren’t usually asked of them if they feel they can. She can read other’s auras and sense intentions and emotions of sorts, so she can generally get a good read on how someone is doing, but she can’t consistently do that with everyone, so while she’ll use this ability when necessary to enforce that someone take a break so they don’t fall apart, not every unstable case is known to her. This is the main reason why she slightly overlooks Lance for a while. When he first found Guardienne, he panicked immediately, rushing her to Ewelein and not even truly believing her death until many days after the event. Huang Hua - having sensed his shock and panic blocking out any other emotions - let it go for a few days; everyone goes through their own grieving process, some immediately and some not until many years afterwards. There was nothing that anyone could do for him until Guardienne’s death hit him fully. However, she also knew from her abilities that Lance was in love with her, or at very least had a deep liking for Guardienne, so the instant a few members of the guard come to her expressing serious concerns regarding Lance’s recent aggression and distance, Huang Hua knows immediately that it needs to be dealt with. This grief was an unknown factor in Lance’s new life - but his past with this type of grief shows clearly that this can really fuck him up - so it needed to be discussed, otherwise he risks spiraling back into the same place he was seven years ago.

She’ll approach him when he’s alone, or if they’re in a relatively public space she’ll take him somewhere private, sensing all the while the breathtakingly painful feeling of agony, anger and distress that’s clouding his mentality. It was just the same as when he was Ashkore, how did he not yet break? He’ll refuse to follow her if he knows she wants to talk about his emotions - ironic since he’s always been open to sharing his perspective and thoughts - so she’ll just tell him that she needs to talk to him in private regarding a few anonymous tips from some guards members if he happens to ask why.

Being alone with an unstable, emotionally distraught dragon with a history of violence while under heavy states of grief does unsettle her a bit, but she knows the outcome of this will be much worse if he truly feels isolated. He’s not going to reach out for help by himself - he doesn’t know how to, nor does he probably want to - so she needs to be the one to reach out to him and help him stabilize himself before another situation like Valkyon’s death occurrs.

She’ll consider first talking alone with him in his room - where he’d likely feel most comfortable - but considering he’d likely be defensive, that could then translate into aggression in his own territory, and that may lead her to being forced out of his room for her own safety. Lance has certainly changed in temperament, but heavy grieving emotions can blind someone, so there’s really no promising that nothing... destructive may happen, no matter how much he’s changed in patience.

She then considers talking with him in the conference room, but there isn’t a whole lot of privacy there. The conference room is more for business, rather than personal, private, emotional conversations. The last thing Lance needed in this moment was for his emotions to be treated even slightly like a business confrontation and not as an important part of his being. Frankly, even on a day where he’s feeling just fine he would never accept anyone’s emotions to be treated like a business issue, so the last thing she wanted was to imply that by bringing him into a room that could do just that.

Huang Hua then thinks over the idea of talking to him in her room; it would likely be safer, after all. He probably won’t become territorial or aggressive as it’s not his territory, and it’ll be a gentle reminder that she’s happy to welcome him into her personal life to help comfort him (therefore defeating the concern that it could seem like a business confrontation), but since it’s her territory he might emotionally shut himself down. It can be uncomfortable to fall apart in someone else’s room, especially knowing they’re higher ranking and could be interrupted at any moment to deal with something else...

Then she wonders if she should bring him outside of the guard to speak with him - somewhere that’s private and on neutral ground. That way they’d both be in strange territory and may not be interrupted, and if they are they’d receive prior warning by noticing that someone was walking their way.

Of course, Huang Hua then realizes that - no matter how much she’d like to think that she understands what would make Lance most comfortable - she truly doesn’t know what would help him best, but she can be there to provide support at very least, regardless of where they are. At the end of the day, Lance would probably know where he’d feel most comfortable, so when she approaches him to talk, saying that it’s an important but private conversation, she’ll ask him where he would rather talk. He’ll be slightly hostile, especially when he picks up on the fact that she’s going out of her way to word things carefully and prioritize his comfort, but he’ll decide to talk somewhere private outside the guard, where no one is around.

And that’s how Huang Hua finds herself in the middle of the open plains, far away from the guard to talk to a dragon who might as well be stabbing himself with his own dagger with how he’s been allowing himself to feel as of late. She’ll start off gently, telling him the recent concerns of a few anonymous guard’s members and Lance will stand a few feet away and listen coldly with a blank expression until she suggests that he take a few days off. He’ll debate things with her then, and it’ll escalate slowly until Lance is clearly distressed but still unmoving in his decision to remain active, and Huang Hua will know then that she can’t be gentle anymore...

“Lance, take a few days off, for your sake.”

“No.” His tone is harsh and cold as he snaps at her. “The guard needs me, there’s so much I need to do - so much I need to repay-” He didn’t mean to let that last statement slip - after all, his actions certainly couldn’t be made up for, right? - but emotions can be a powerful thing, can’t they?

“You won’t be able to do any of that if you’re destroying everything you’ve helped rebuild in the process.” Lance is pacing, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. Huang Hua - despite her anxiousness at the dragon being so stubborn on decisions made under heavy negative emotions - tries to keep a comforting, open atmosphere to avoid furthering any issues. “You know the pain you’ve cast upon on others, you’ve felt that same sort of pain now and you need to take time to be able to recover from that.”

“I can’t take time, it’s not something I can just accept! Everyone I’ve hurt before never had time to accept the situation before I made it worse, but they still pushed forward! There’s no reason for me to have it any easier!”

“And where would we be if we treated you the same way you used to treat the world? Would we be any better than how you used to be?”

Lance stops pacing but his eyes remain on the ground, his throat constricting as his thoughts run rampant. Would they be the same as how he used to be if they allowed him to keep running himself this way? He’s done terrible things, but he’s spent many years trying to keep that from happening again. Certainly he’s an asset to the guard now, so would it be cruel of them to ignore his distress? Or would it be justified payback for everything he’s done?

“Lance, you’ve done wonderful things the past seven years, and we want you to continue that and I know you want to continue that as well. Take some time off so you can do that without destroying yourself or your environment. Don’t ignore your pain like it’s nothing - it’s not nothing, and you have the resources to deal with it in a better way now. Use those resources, Lance, it’ll help you work your way through this.” Huang Hua’s tone is gentle and soft as she pleads with him, hoping that her blunt words will reach his common sense.

He tries to argue this, stuttering the beginning of sentences to try and disprove her point, grasping for any reason as to why his pain is invalid. However, Lance finds that there’s no sound argument against Huang Hua’s words, and constricting panic, horror, and then heavy tides of grief will hit him as he realizes that he is, in fact, dragging himself into his own downfall. He is his own worst enemy, once again.

In any manner, this is all his fault - his past actions, Guardienne’s distress of what’s changed that lead to her death, his emotional isolation, and disruption of the guard is all because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and his abyss of emotions. How did this happen to him? He was never the type of person to deny and hide away his emotions, so how is it he ended up caging himself like this when under personal grief? Is it because the situation is so personal to him that he has a hard time allowing himself to seek comfort in others who likely couldn’t understand?

Lance will fall apart at this, closing his eyes and turning towards the ground to keep himself together, but falling apart all the same as grief overwhelms him one final time in a push that throws him over the edge. He’ll clench his fist and bow his head, bringing it over his mouth as he desperately tries to steady his breathing, to no avail as tears find their way from his eyes and his chest heaves in quieted sobs. 

Huang Hua will lurch forward to comfort him, but stops as Lance whirls around to step back and snap at her - he didn’t want comfort, he wanted her back!

“Where were you for her!? Why didn’t anyone else see her pain!?” His eyes are tragedy and desperation underneath the weakened cold anger of ice blue, a faint few tears streaking down his face as his voice - thunderous and howling - cracks and breaks alongside his crumbling rage. If he couldn’t have fixed this, then someone else could have - why didn’t anyone fix this!?

“You know it’s not morally correct to monitor everyone’s private emotions all the time. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t allow my people their privacy?” Huang Hua stills and clasps her hands together at her waist, understanding Lance’s outward anger. However, she realized his statement signaled something else as well; Lance could no longer fight why he should allow himself to grieve, so he was desperately clinging onto some semblance of needing to be distant by turning it to be someone’s fault - someone that he could hate.  “You are right in a way; of the many people who knew her, someone might have been able to catch how torn up she felt, but people who wish to hide their pain, or spend so long hiding their pain that it becomes a part of who they are, learn how to hide their pain in ways too complex for others to realize. And, Lance, if she didn’t want anyone to know about her grief, there wouldn’t have been much that I could have done anyways.”

“You could have helped her!” The dragon’s voice was weakening as he spoke, distant anger being replaced by a cold, hollow emptiness as he realized the truth in Huang Hua’s words.

“Only if she was ready for that help. You can’t force someone to accept help, you can only wait for them to allow themselves to be helped.”

“She wouldn’t want me to find relief during this time...” He looked away toward the ground and hung his head, blinking rapidly as he began to heave for breath. There must be a reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way .

“Do you think she would have wanted everything good you did - whether she knows what you did or not - to be destroyed because of your grief for her?” Lance’s eyes squinted closed and he tilted his head a bit further away from the phoenix. It seemed as though every reminder of everything good he’s done continues to leave him with a hollow chest. “I think if she witnessed firsthand everything you’ve done the past seven years she would have thought very differently about you now than what she did when first having woken up from the crystal.”

Lance turns to face his back towards her, resting a palm on his forehead before brushing his fingers back through his hair as a tremble rolls through him. He could feel pressure rising from his throat as he bared his teeth in an agonized snarl before parting his mouth to silently gasp for air. His head tilted back to look at the sky, only for a few tears to fall from his eyes when he releases a shaky breath.

“Lance, your situation with her was very unique - no one else could begin to understand exactly what you’re feeling from your history with her. Take some time so you can understand it - and fix, or do, or feel whatever you need to - so you can carry forward knowing yourself better.”

He wanted to fight her statement, but his moral compass argued with his resistance on this as well. If anything, of whatever terrible things came as a result of her death, there should be some good sought from it as well. What’s the point of accepting a tragedy if not to learn something from it as well, even if it’s something quiet that no one else knows you learned?

For the first time in a long while - if not ever - Lance allows himself to break and be comforted. He lets himself embrace the burning, stinging pain that rises in his chest as he turns his head back to the ground and collapses on his knees. Huang Hua immediately reacts and is by his side in moments, on her knees and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she leans against him slightly. Sobs escape his throat as his body tenses and curls forward slightly, bracing a hand on the ground to steady himself as tremulous waves of emotions - any and all emotions that could possibly be named - wash over him and leave him gasping for air.

“I miss her, too.” Huang Hua’s voice shakes now as she leans further against the dragon, bringing her arms as far around him as she can while her head rests against his shoulder, away from the spines on his pauldrons. Lance brings his other hand up and tightly grasps the forearm reaching across his chest.

Huang Hua had spent so much time trying to help others through this that she had completely forgotten to make sure she was alright as well, and seeing Lance - the man she least expected to be torn apart by this situation - completely break and fall apart before her eyes reminded her of the true depth of their loss. They didn’t just lose Eldarya’s savior, they had lost a friend, a great warrior, one of the last angels, someone who was pure at heart and wasn’t afraid to face the darkness of life without so much as a blink of hesitation. They had lost someone who gave everything for the world, and suffered because of it.

Minutes merged until they were unsure of how long they spent in the fields, but in time both of them calmed down. Lance - now able to think clearer on the subject - began to reflect on the situation.

“This wasn’t her fault... the blame is on all of us, for not having seen anything... but she must have known that someone would have been there for her if they knew how much she was hurting...” He murmured this quietly, waves of shame washing over him again as he realized he was perhaps pinning some of the blame on Guardienne. Was there really anyone to blame here? She must have known that someone would have been there for her if she sought help, but it’s not right for others to pry into the personal life of another if the intrusion is unwelcomed, and who was to say she wanted help in the first place? Had she given up? Would anyone have been able to stop her to begin with? Who was to blame, if there was anyone?

“There’s nothing we can do now except honor her and move forward.” Huang Hua whispered back with a shaky voice and Lance faintly nodded his head. There were many things that worked together to lead to this happening, and in between there also were moments where something could have helped deter it, both by her doing and by others. At the root core, everyone and anyone could have helped stop this in some way, even if it was by giving her a small passing smile that could have helped remind her that there is good and hope in the world, but there’s also no guarantee that anyone could have stopped it. Regardless, this is how things happened. They can’t change the past, but they can move forward with her in mind and learn from this.

Lance - despite his heavy grief and complex emotions on everything - begins to soften himself to the situation. He’s not the only one grieving. His situation may have been the most complicated, but he’s still in the same boat as everyone else. He doesn’t feel the need to sob alongside the others anymore, but he does find that whenever the group he’s in begins to fall apart into wailing, he’ll bow his head and won’t hide the obvious pain that he’s in at the reminder of his lost love. His feelings for Guardienne will be kept quiet, and he won’t openly say how he felt about her - it could still be seen as wrong in the opinion of some people for him to have fallen in love with the same woman he hurt so much, especially knowing her pain is what led to her death - but he won’t deny the truth of his feelings to those who caught on somehow. Lance will find that he’ll slowly begin to mend after this death, many months after of course, but it’ll happen, and in some ways this will help him move past his brother’s death as well. After all, in the end both Guardienne and Valkyon came to accept their final moments in life before allowing Lance’s past actions to bring about their end, and although one chose to die to help mend him and the other chose to die to help relieve herself, the root issue of the situation that led to their death was still very similar. He’ll have a hard time allowing himself to move past the fact that his actions played a major part in both deaths, but he realizes in time that that’s what happens when someone has a violent past. It’ll haunt for many years, and the effects of it can never be reversed, but in the end this only inspires him to work harder to provide a better world. Maybe he can’t erase what he did, but he can make sure it doesn’t happen again and work to provide Eldarya with as much good as he can provide now.

Without a doubt Guardienne’s death hits him hard, but he’ll be sure to come back twice as strong from this.

I hope you like this, Anon! I feel Guardienne’s suicide would definitely hit Lance hard and remind him subtly of Valkyon’s death, but I don’t see Lance being held down by this for too long. He’d heavily grieve for her for a good while before he eventually finds himself standing on two feet again and powering his way through life, if not for his own sake then for the sake of others, both alive and dead. 

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[teledild0nix]

Fic Writer Questions! (you can find me here on AO3 if you're interested!)

tagged by dear @theburialofstrawberries mwah!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

112 yowza!

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

750,421 kinda tempted to go delete one word so it can be 750420 which is a far more Pleasing number

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

12ish but some of them overlap: BBCS/Sherlock Holmes/ACD (these are all different bc my bbcs fics are not the same as my own modern fem Sherlock Holmes adaptation are not the same as my ACD Holmes fic; Good Omens; Harry Potter/The Werewolf Draco Malfoy Cinematic Universe; Captive Prince; The Hobbit; Fleabag (it was a crossover with BBCS but Fleabag is the perspective character so it still counts as a separate fandom imo); Doctor Who; The Office; Parks and Rec; Broad City (one a piece for those last 5 but I AM going to write a Parks and Rec polycule fic for @gaykagome)

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

They're all Good Omens fics from the 2019 Summer of Good Omens! Susceptible to Summer, Fragments Shored Against My Ruin, Something So Magic, Enter Serpent, and Anything We Like

All of those have over 2k except the last one, but average engagement for me is like 400 kudos or so

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try! It depends on what's going on with me. Sometimes I just don't have the energy, and I figure people would rather I spend my brain power on writing new fics than on writing replies to comments. Wish I had a fave button tho so I could let people know I read and reread comments, because I do!

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Oh I wrote this ficlet series called A Chemical Defect about John and Sherlock's relationship in s3 of BBCS, and it's WILDLY unpopular. People don't read my fic to cry sad tears I guess! John and Sherlock are having an affair in the story, and it ends with the implication that their relationship is unsustainable and that Mary knows about it anyway. I intended to come back to it after s4 and write a more optimistic ending but LOL! Didn't have the heart.

7) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I know this answer is kinda up my own ass, but like. I think stories that feel true to life sort of feel like they end on a beginning if you know what I mean? You don't really consider a chapter of your life closed until you look back on it from the next? SO that said, I think I'd have to say that it's my big BBCS serial The Only One in the World. I spent 2 years writing it, and it ends with John retiring from medicine to solve crimes and write books full time.

Could also be my WDMCU (werewolf Draco Malfoy cinematic universe) series Moonrise, which starts with Draco isolated in his abusive mother's house, trying to cope with lycanthropy essentially alone and ends with him in love and surrounded by found family in a cozy cottage in Hogsmeade, having gotten some lycanthrope rights legislation passed after working at it for years and talking to Harry about whether they want to have kids. Oh man I feel warm and fuzzy just thinking about it

8) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I have written one crossover. It's BBCS/Fleabag, because me and @loudest-subtext-in-tv were laughing about how John seems like one of the horrible guys Fleabag sleeps with basically out of self loathing, so I wrote this fic to make Nattie laugh, and you should read it bc it's so good and so underrated.

9) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not really, but people don't seem to know that authors can read bookmark tags unless you private the bookmark, and someone once put in the bookmark tag on one of my fics 'writing was meh but it was okay.' Okay so why bookmark it then??

10) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Fuck yes! I'm not sure what 'what kind?' means? People fucking? Sloppy, silly, and awkward, with lots of laughing. I also really like writing afterglow scenes which are even sillier and gigglier and often involve one character cooking for another. Food as love language is a very distinct pattern of mine tbh

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of, but occasionally I'll write a post on here where I make some elaborate head canon, and I'll see people in the tags talking about how they want to write fic of it, and it makes me breathe fire out of my nose like a dragon like PLEASE DON'T. The WDMCU came out of a ficlet post I made on here like a year before I actually wrote the 60k series so like!!! Please don't do that!

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! To Russian and I believe Chinese. Not my entire oeuvre but a handful of BBCS and Good Omens fics

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I wrote a fic inspired by an RP I did with my gf right around when we met (actually now that I think about it, it's two fics), and I waaaaaaanna do a WDMCU collab with my beloved Sally @clytemenestras at some point if he has time bc he inspired me to even write werewolf draco with his original lesbian werewolf story

14) What’s your all time favorite ship?

favorites are hard for me? I always think I'm currently doing my best writing lol so I'll say drarry

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I don't post fics unless theyre finished, so I don't have any WIP up on AO3, but I did intend to continue with my fem Sherlock Holmes series, Your Many Tendencies. I just haven't been in a Holmes mood for a long time. Maybe I'll come back to it idk. This particular series is honestly very unpopular? People will just straight up say they don't read femslash, and it hurts a lot. This series feels really personal too, bc it's about a Black autistic nonbinary lesbian, so it does hurt my feelings that no one seems to care, yknow? I mean the people who read it are extremely kind and thoughtful in their engagement with it, but it has vastly less engagement than my m/m fic, and that's painful. It gets literally 1/10 the attention my fics usually get.

16) What are your writing strengths?

Almost all of my writing is romance, but I tend to write concurrently about recovery and found family, and I think I'm very good at doing that in a way that connects with my audience. I once had someone ask if they could use my words in their wedding vows, and I've had people tell me they started doing things with their spouse that my characters do with their partners in order to express love. I think about that all the time. My Impact. It makes me feel like I have a real duty to my audience yknow?

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

This question is hard for me like I've been writing so long and so much that I'm literally always happy with my final draft! It's always exactly to my taste, yknow? I suppose I could say that my fics tend not to be terribly plotty but so WHAT? That's beside the fuckn point for me. Plot who? I don't know Her. Also honestly like. Stories feel more True to me when they aren't ruthlessly devoted to plot bc like life isn't like that yknow?

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

If you're not fluent in that language, get a beta who is!!!!! That said, I have written scraps of very simple dialogue in French using mostly Google Translate (sometimes I check w Sally bc he speaks French but I am usually too impatient), and I am perfectly well aware that I take my life in my hands each time!!! Also don't do that bullshit thing where it's in italics? That shit is weird and exoticizing. Just write it in quotation marks like normal dialogue.

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

BBCS babey back in 2012. Ended a 5 year dry spell for me after I got my writing degree.

20) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Hmmmm I think it's probably gonna be the fic I'm working on now that I haven't posted yet, but I know it's called Names for a House, and here's a tiny bit of it

Thanks again Shreya for asking me to do this bc I really love talking about myself. I tag @the-moon-loves-the-sea, @clytemenestras, @tomiano, @gaykagome and @totallysilvergirl

No pressure <3

#sherlock stuff #ask games #apliddell #if y'all wanna send me asks about names for a house #or anything else i mentioned here #they would be welcome

[kitasfox]

hii i had a genuine question! if you really love writing and all of that, why do you think it's your followers specifically that took it from you for not interacting with your work? would that not be the want of notes or attention on your work leading to demotivation? just genuinely curious cause if you love it i'd just keep going no matter what notes you get, but maybe i don't fully understand <3

man idk if it's my mood rn but this feels too fucking passive aggressive to me rn but okay. as I screamed out of my ass many times before on this and my old blogs— yes writing is something we do for ourselves, but only partly.

If you write you know how hard it is to actually complete a fucking fic. Daydreaming is something but writing something else. First of all, it takes time. It changes of course but for me writing a linger fic around 3-5k takes me minimum a week, usually 2 weeks. You write whenever you get the chance; on the subway, walking somewhere, in the cafe waiting for you friends, with the friends, hell even on the fucking toilet sometimes because fuck you haven't written for so long and people forget about you and the interaction fuck fuck fuck—

It takes energy. Look if you aren't a writer idk how to explain just how much energy writing requires because holy fuck— you have 50 drafts. You want to write. You really really want to write. But you cant. The characterisation must be right, the plot must make sense and planning feels like fucking hell sometimes because it won't won't you just can't think nothing sounds right nothing sounds good is this becoming boring will people even read this I spent so much time and energy will people read this is this boring fuck im rewriting this you know what I hate this where's my other wip— yall we don't just sit, drink, think, write. That thinking part sometimes doesn't work. Sometimes you literally spend HOURS on one fucking scene and it doesn't work. Just no. You rewrite. The energy you spend while trying to think of another scene to make this rewritten version work because the whole fucking plot changes. I sometimes wake up from my sleep bcs FUCK THAT SHOULD BE THE PLOT THATS HOW IT SHOULD GO and my notes are a fucking disaster of 3 am ramblings for a fic.

You have no idea how frustrating it is to not be able to write what you think. Daydreaming is one of my favorite things but writing it is fucking hard man it's HARD. Cuz be honest do your daydreams make sense? Does anyone else would want to read it? But again, writing can be very very frustrating. I sometimes curse the day I started it.

But then, there's sharing it.

Why do we share? Because every once in a blue moon you see validation from someone, there's that one person who says thank you for writing this, it made my day. That makes my week, month year life. To know that that thing you spent so much energy and time on did make someone happy. It's addicting jts fucking addicting— it's like working so damn hard on a project for school yes? And you present it and that prof you absolutely adore tells you you did amazing. Now you understand how happy it makes us feel?

But then there's you guys who stare us with a poker face, the audience that applauds faintly as an act of courtesy. They don't say anything go you, they just smile and wave until the next presenter comes. No feedbacks, no that was cool! nice idea, no sharing it w the friends to say hey look this was a cool project! nah, just a nod of head and there, you can leave the stage now. That hurts man. Hurts like a motherfucker because you did this for yourself but also you really really wanted to see the audience and your professor tell you that you did good and that was nice because you gave too much for it and you want to know,,,, it was worth it.

Long story short; it makes us feel worthless.

[senbons]

do u hv any general tips on writing? ive spent so long re reading ur fics to learn from them, and each time im absolutely amazed at how good it is, like, each word feels like it needed to be there including words like "really" "probably" "even" just small things like that, make it so real, and as if we're actually reading the character's thoughts. also, when it comes to fics, do you base it off your own life? or do you some research, if so are there any sites u use frequently? have a good day <3

Hmmm okay

I'll go slightly out of order (under cut bc trying not to spam dashes):

First off, thank you so so much!! Wowzers! Every time someone says they've read something I wrote more than once, it makes me so, so happy!!! And to do it with the intention of learning?! Whoa! I'm so touched! Someone once told me they learned a lot whenever I did that "commentary" on coming up tails... I planned on doing that w ch. 11 of aibg (that someone requested)... maybe I should rally? Idk, if you think it'd be of some use, lmk and I'll begin this weekend. That said, I never took a writing class apart from one memoir one, so idk much. I'm also just kind of going with the flow and hoping what I write makes sense! I don't think I'd ever have enough confidence in my writing to go into a creative lit class or anything! (funny you'd say that about not having one excessive word bc I'm actively trying to write LESS... I think I always have too many unnecessary words 😂)

(vaguely answered inspo before) I do base a LOT off my own life. Mostly conversations I'm imagining with people I like. Like I have a crush on this guy (see any other post), and a few months back I saw him in a store and we didn't speak, but saw each other. i kept imagining he would wait outside when i exited and i'd walk up to him and the first thing i'd say to him, meeting him in person for the first time, would be: "i'm going to hate myself, aren't i?" "why?" he'd ask. "for having sex with you." and that obviously didn't happen, but i imagined it over and over and am always tempted to write a ST story w work enemies based on that one fantasied-conversation. does that make sense?

The easiest ones offhand are ALL of On Pride. I did get a splinter and meet a classmate at the hospital week one of undergrad. I went to dinner with someone i liked all through law school and he always knew it and it always felt like the timing didn't work, but he also was single and then went out with someone else? but i still am positive liked me? idk (this and hospital were years apart and different people). Or in paper moon, I had a think w a guy in barbados that was similar... or had the same conversation at the cloisters in ny that they have in the church about god... So point of the story: yes, a lot of things are based off dumb shit in my life, but most is based off imagined-conversations with men. also a lot on scenes from media I consume. I'll see a movie, love one plot point, think about it for weeks, and then decide to write it down. (or these days, you guys... i did a rough outline of that whole royal!au/bodyguard!au after someone put it in an ask 😂)

That all said, I don't do research for inspiration... but when I have a question (see this answer) I just google. during oh, oh I'm on fire (worth the tag even though no one will read? 😭) I called my mother so many times to ask about the 70's (i.e. did you say fridge or icebox growing up? when did grandma stop wearing panty-hose?). So that's basically it? (i even read a book specifically for that though!). No specific websites. Sorry I can't be of more help!

And then, finally, general tips:

just write. That’s the most important. Edit later if that helps. Just keep writing.

I am a pro-outliner. But sometimes that doesn’t work for everyone. I love it because I can lay out the big things and then see where I have gaps. And when I need motivation, i already have the section basically drafted. So if I’m having to force myself (which happens — it’s work. There is always a few parts (sometimes more) of a fic I have to grit my teeth through), I already have what I want to say outlined and can just write it out and by the time I finish that section, I’m into it and can move onto the next thing. I love outlining. It helps me see the big picture too. And when I need motivation, I’ll just reread my outline.

If that doesn’t work though, then just write. And when it gets hard, see if you can just eek out one more page, even if you hate everything you’re putting down, just to get over that hurdle.

And find friends! If you ever need someone to look at your writing, let me know! I have no superlative ideas, but can always be around to talk through things/motivate!

Anyway, sorry for this morbidly long answer. I hope at least some of it was of use. And thank you for this message! It really made my day to see it as soon as I woke up!

<3<3<3

#if you were looking for one-sentence answers #you chose the wrong girl #on the wrong boring tuesday night~ #<3 ty for writing #hey that cop interaction is p good right? #should i actually write it out? #personal #Answered #Anonymous

[mycelier]

My name is Simone and I would like to tell you a tale!

I will not have access to my laptop for some days more and because writing on my phone is kind of painful (physically, because I am working on hand mobility now), this may end up in drafts and taking a while to post. I am going to share what has been happening the last 2 months because I feel like everything went from 0 to 100 in the span of a few weeks and its been really, really wild.

So!!! LETTUCE begin!

For roughly 5 years I've been struggling to get a diagnosis on an extremely painful area of my arm. There was literally nothing visible; no lump, discoloration or any other physical abnormality to indicate anything was wrong. I spent thousands on pretty much every kind of imaging you can do, and was told time and time again that there was nothing wrong and, perhaps, it was psychosomatic and I needed therapy or, more often than not, I was given a shrug and a vague "i dunno" response.

This year, something changed. I deal with chronic pain (my spine is congenitally fused in my neck and lower spine and I have baby bone spurs all over), and in the process of trying to work on that I brought up my arm again to a dr I no longer see. He'd told me my arm was SEVERAL things over the years I had been seeing him but this time said it was a fibromyalgia knot, something I had been told by a team of doctors some time before that. I said okay cool and was sent to a physical therapy rehab center where the dr worked with myofascial release and stretches to help with injuries. This amazing man fixed my plantar fasciitis and helped get my chronic headaches under control but NOTHING we did helped my arm pain. Within a month he was worried bc we had started to notice that there was a hardness to the spot that never changed with any exercise or massage.

Worried that there was a nerve being trapped or crushed (another diagnosis I'd gotten over the years), this amazing man sent me to a neurosurgeon who immediately frowned and said he didn't think my neck pain and my arm pain were connected. He ordered an MRI of my arm and despite it not being visible on an MRI 2 years before, he found something PHYSICALLY THERE where I said I had pain. He considered doing the surgery to remove it (despite being a neurosurgeon he was fascinated with this weird horribly painful spot) but eventually sent me a surgeon for an oncology center, assuring me it was because this new surgeon was one of the best in Texas for removing soft tissue tumors, not because there was any thought of cancer.

I met with the surgeon who gave me one more diagnosis of an AVM (arteriovenous malformation), snd said they were benign and not necessary to remove as well as the possibility that if removed it would likely return. Truly, at this point after 5 years of constant nauseating horric pain when someone brushed against me or if I gently brushed against ANYRHING, a pain so bad that it had basically made me stop using my right arm as much as possible (of course I'm right handed lol), I said GET THAT FUCKER OUT OF THERE MAN and my first surgery was scheduled.

Surgery one occurred Nov 5th and was an out patient event. I went home and passed out. At some point my mom said that while I'd been in recovery the dr said the thing in my arm hadn't looked like what he expected so he had sent it to pathology. I went back to work and was hanging out until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I went in for a super immediate meeting with a different doctor who told me that what had been in my arm was a synovial sarcoma, aka, cancer! He, this incredibly kind man I did not know, gently discussed chemo and told me I needed to have a CT scan immediately. Based on the CT, i was either in stage one or stage four if it has spread to lungs. The day before Thanksgiving I received the news that it was stage one, it had not spread, and i was so fucking happy.

Then it was time talk about next steps. My surgeon marked out a circle on my arm to indicate how much he was gonna remove in order to guarantee clear margins..but it was not enough of a meeting for me to grasp the surgery I was about to receive.

The day of my second surgery, dec 8th, came quickly and i met with the plastic surgeon, the kindest, most patient man. He moved my arm around and explained how he was going to hijack a vein from my forearm in order to keep the blood flow health to the flap he was gonna take from the donor site: My inner thigh.

It has been 11 days and I am living in an inpatient rehab facility, working on dealing with the nerve damage/pain, the EXTREME pain of my donor site, and the lost mobility that I am working on getting back, both in my leg and my hand. The majorities of my arm is numb...except where the nerve pain burns my wrist and forearm and makes it painful to wear my arm sling (I can't fully extend my arm, nor can I lift, push, pull or use my arm in any way that would stress out my new arm flap). Also may have a brand new urinary tract infection but as I write this I'm chugging water for a urine sample to hopefully get that treated. Below are some pictures I have taken/had taken of my arm! Im not ready to look at my leg outside of the bandages (which, since having the wound vac removed today, hell yeah, will need daily dressing changes).

EDIT: I tried posting pictures of my arm last night and my post disappeared immediately so I will try to make a new post with these photos in case the whole post was erased because of them. I will tag them as post surgery photos. I do not consider them gory or excessive but hey that's just me.

I intend to post more things as I keep healing and as I gain more mobility. I was given "independence" in my room yesterday which means I can officially get up without any assistance needed (using my badass new cane to help me lift my foot in and out of bed)!!!! Which also means I can get up whenever I want without the bed alarm going off. I have a badass cane that has been the best tool in helping me get around (and has inspired my mom and others to suggest and look into getting me a cane sword which makes me laugh REAL hard). See below me using the cane to move my foot in and out of bed!

Part of why I'm posting this is because I really needed to talk about it and while later posts may not be this long or expository but I wanted to have a base post to explain other ones related to this one!!!

I will update with some newer pics tomorrow night when my mom comes by to help me take newer pics. The arm flap looks super healthy (according to the drs), and when they changed my leg dressing they said its looking really good and healthy!

I......also really wanted to post my Amazon wishlist. Due to this stupid wild bad lottery ticket, I've been struggling to pay my bills and rent but!!! I have good insurance, thankfully (since I live in the US and my hospital stay and this rehab stay would have more than bankrupted me), and im hoping my disability checks will get here in time for rent!!! I'm putting up my wishlist bc I can't afford some of the "essentials" on there and, also, because I havent been able to have any kind of comfort during any of this. I never ask for anything for holidays because usually i...dont want to burden people with spending money on me since I know how hard money is, especially right now. And if I don't have enough for rent later I might have to create a go fund me...but right now everything looks good for rent and bills just...not for anything fun.

Thank you so much for your time!!! And happy holidays you wild bastards!!!

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/36PG6BAYD18U7?ref_=wl_share

#tw for many things! #cancer mention #surgery mention #i tried to add photos of my arm post surgery and my post disappeared so I will try again in a separate post #everything relating to my cancer or recovery i will label as badass battlestar bc it makes me feel cool #badass battlestar

[midnightlie]

u should write for ur ocs again! i've seen u talk abt wanting to get paid/published as a writer and tbh? that's not really going to happen with fanfiction. i know fic probably makes u happy and that's good but i'd hate to see u focus on it so much that u forget how much promise ur ocs have. i'm sorry this comes off as rude. i just care and want to see people succeed!

tbh i’m happy with writing fanfiction right now bc 

1) i spent over 2 years ONLY writing my ocs and it was so hard and it’s still hard and i feel like i can’t even write them well and im SHIT at plotting so the story i have written just doesn’t feel right. after finishing the first draft, i’ve gone back through like 3 separate drafts and its just a mess and i’ve actually come to hate it a little bit so i needed a break. i need a good, long break.

2) writing fanfiction i think has helped me improve a lot in my writing. like, personally, i think it makes me a better writer, so I don’t mind spending time on it because I think that it will benefit me in the long run.

ur not rude tbh but i also really love what i’m writing now, and I especially wanna see the current fics i’m working on through to the end, at least. i’m ok with how things are. thank you for your encouragement, though!

#i will be a published author someday tbh #it'll happen #Anonymous