there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)
i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.
i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.
and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.
HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.
now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.
my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.
i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.
by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!
keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"
similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."
the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"
if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.
the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.
godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.
the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.
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Dear transmascs,
I love y'all, I appreciate your posts and find solidarity in your struggles. But please, PLEASE could you acknowledge that some (many) trans people who don't identify as transmasc share in the same struggles? Please could you acknowledge non-transmasc (afab) non-binary/genderqueer people in your posts that also affect them once in a while? Could you please NOT co-opt the death of a NON-BINARY trans person to talk about how transmascs are oppressed for being transmasculine? Like, yes, there are overlaps between transandrophobia and enbyphobia (and transmisogyny) and these are important to talk about but please realise that you can do this WITHOUT erasing non-binary people who do not identify as transmasc.
Idk maybe this seems like a non-issue to a lot of people but it's honestly deeply fucking upsetting to me, as an (afab) genderqueer person. I'm not saying you have to make all posts about transmasc people about non-binary people as well but please just. When something is ABOUT a non-binary person and that person doesn't explicitly identify as transmasc, please, please don't erase their identity and make it ONLY about the experience of being transmasc??
I'm so fucking tired.
Signed,
A genderqueer person
(btw if you come on this post being shitty about transmascs or talking about how transandrophobia isn't real or whatever, you're getting an instant block. This ain't about that, transandrophobia is real but so is enbyphobia/exorsexism.)
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I gotta say, as much as I normally sympathize more with Reo, reading chapter 13 of epinagi and rereading the main manga at the same time makes me feel for Nagi, too.
Seeing just how often Nagi's thoughts go to Reo, his reasons for snapping at him after the 3v3 makes so much more sense. In Nagi's narration, it's obvious that he holds a lot of respect to Reo as a player, other than a friend. Every time he faces a challenging opponent or sees a great play, his mind always goes to him. When he's not wishing to show Reo all these amazing things, he's reminding himself and others that they must keep challenging strong opponents to justify having left Reo behind. One way or another, their promise is always very present in his mind, and he's giving it his all to make it come true.
But then they run into each other in the baths and Reo is acting suddenly cold. He doesn't want to hear about Nagi's efforts, and he calls him a rival. It would be so easy to take offense to that, to assume—like Reo did—that the other has forgotten about their promise. But it's not here that Nagi's temper snaps. Instead, he takes it in stride, and actually looks kind of fired up for the chance of facing a Reo who will go all out. After all, Nagi understand wanting to take on strong guys, and through this and other subtle details, it's shown that in his mind Reo is still very much one of them. I'd say that he perceives Reo as an equal, if not strictly a teammate at present. This is especially clear when Nagi's first impulse is to still pick him as his first choice when they win. We've established that Nagi doesn't let sentimentality get in the way of having the best shot at achieving his dream (think of the pep talk he gives to Bachira about leaving him behind if he doesn't step up even if he and Isagi are close). So, all of this to say: Nagi speaks with his actions, and he chooses Reo for Reo's skills, not for his attachment to him as a friend. He respects him.
But he respects their dream more, in the end. Just like how he left with Isagi not by any fault of Reo's own, but to examine his own drive for football, Nagi once again makes the choice that would best result in bettering his plays. Not because he doesn't care, but because he's that serious about it, actually.
Again, Reo doesn't make the cut not because he lacks skills, but because his playstyle isn't compatible with the way Nagi's team is evolving. Reo would bring them balance because he's skilled and charismatic enough to singlehandedly whip up their mismatched chaos into a proper team. But being a team would make them worse players individually, and Nagi has enough maturity to know that's a step back for his own skills, not one forward. Not a single moment has passed by so far where he hasn't been putting his all towards fulfilling his end of the promise, or one where he hasn't had full faith in Reo in turn.
And then Reo, who has acted cold and standoffish all this time for seemingly no reason... Reo, who is so skilled but wants to be picked even if it means losing and possibly flunking out of the program, their best chance to get closer to the world cup... The same guy who swore they'd be best in the world, but whose efforts only stopped at winning in the first selection...
that Reo goes and accuses him of not giving a shit about their promise to each other.
I think I would've snapped back too
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