#bastard made me cry

[seldonhari]

Don’t let anyone tell you different. You gotta do what you’re meant to do. And I happen to be a goddamned artist.

Jared Harris in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

#the curious case of benjamin button #jared harris #david fincher #filmedit #movieedit #bastard made me cry #happy birthday to jh btw #captain mike #stuff #gifs #moviegifs #jh*

[blood-starved-beast]

how would you interpret Maria hugging hunter in her visceral? i always thought of it as some sort of mockery from her

Sort of, but in the way that her whole fight is sort of a "mockery" of the concept of a dashing Heroic romance (In the Shakespearean sense of the term). Let me explain.

First, we have to understand Maria's character design in that she is of the bifauxnen archetype. The bifauxnen is a handsome, gentleman-ly type woman portraying all the traits we associate with a dashing hero: courageous, refined and sometimes aristocratic, and androgynous. She is the counterpart to the bishonen, the contrast to the more coarse Lad-ette. The most famous of this archetype of course is Lady Oscar from Rose of Versailles. She is essentially a Female Prince.

The Lady Maria reflects this design. Out of all the Hunters and Byrgenwerth crew, she is the one dressed to the Nines, wearing dashing Cainhurst fashion to something that is essentially nasty and wet and all the other things (the Hunt). She's wearing jewelry (the Lumenflower brooch) the cravat, the fact she curls her hair, the aristocratic looks and backstory (the fact that she's the Lady Maria, a Knight of Cainhurst Vileblood royalty), the fact that she was the one taking care of the Research patients and they worship her, etc. Her outfit fits along the lines of the Lady Oscars, Alucards, and so forth. The fact that she is the only one to realize the atrocity of her actions, to regret her actions and reject her calling as a Hunter, is so fucking introspective at the cost of noticing Gehrman's mania for example reads very much in line of a Romantic hero. She is presenting a Look and this Look says she is meant to come off as rich, handsome, and heroic as she's slaying monsters. At least, those are the visual cues the player is meant to read in that sense. And that is carried over into her actions.

Lady Maria fights the Hunter to "liberate [them] from [their] wild curiosity" - she is taking the role again, of the hero. The villain here, being that need for Insight and she is saving the Hunter from the call of blood. She then engages you a fight, a dance really, set to waltz - again, playing with those romantic hero tropes (assuming you don't parry her to death). The visceral attack therefore, plays into that fantasy. She treats you so gently cause of course you are the Victim enslaved by your thirst for knowledge, she is the romantic hero, mercy killing you with the sweet kiss of death. She steadies you as your now heartless body bleeds out onto the floorboards of the clocktower.

But like everything in Bloodborne, there is a catch you see. Cause the Lady Maria is not a hero in fact; she is a bloody coward.

Yes, Maria is the only member of the Byrgenwerth crew (and amongst the few Hunter in general) to make a dry stop + u-turn from the Hunt and the atrocities associated with that. But unlike someone like Djura, who at least is trying to be productive in his redemption, Maria runs from her mistakes. She casts Rakuyo into the Well and leaves. She joins the Research Hall and contributes to more atrocities there, but hey at least all the patients there love her right?? (😬) And when her brooding (or maybe insanity? who says she was immune to the Beast plague? Or Kos infecting her brain??) was too much for her, she takes her own life instead of you know, working to dismantle the systems - both the Research Hall and the Hunt itself. Her issues and her guilt - that is more important to her than actually helping or saving people. She the Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower, Lord over nothing else but the reminder of her greatest failure. Both in life and in death.

Cause you see, her stopping the Hunter isn't really about saving them from their wild curiosity. The Fishing Hamlet is dead and gone. The effects are echoing throughout all of Yharnam in this day and age. Heck, the Hunter just came in from the Research Hall itself. It is well and truly Known, to prevent future atrocities of that scale, one has to know the events that led to those atrocities in the First Place. Lady Maria isn't helping you, isn't saving you from anything you already knew to begin with. She is, once again, trying to alleviate her own guilt and shame and trying to prevent others of knowing of that shame. So she tries to kill you. But you know, in a Heroic way. Hence why the whole fight is a sham and mockery.

She also hates your guts. I consider this to be tertiary canon at best, but the deleted lines has it so that she calls you insufferable, and baits you to kill her. She Does Not Actually Give a Shit About You. It cannot be more blatant than that. And how couldn't she? You make her recall her greatest shame, force her to break the last of her principles (no Vilebloodbending) so that your ass does not learn of what she's done. You also keep coming back, so you're a constant reminder that no matter what she does, her actions really do mean nothing, not before, and definitely not now.

Also she stares at you like this the whole fight if looks could kill well, you would be dead and not coming back (The way you ought to. Bastard. Stay dead already!! - Lady Maria, probably):

So yeah, she is mocking you with a oh so sweet kiss from the Handsome Hero type as she rips your heart out (breaking it) and kills you very dead. Cause fuck the Hunter specifically.

#lady maria of the astral clocktower #bloodborne #my meta #me shaking Maria: YOU ARE SO STINKY!!! RATTY BASTARD #Also there is something to be said about how she cries out to the Moon Presence like Gehrman does when she's killed #but she never actually Made Contact with Her #Crying out to a God who is Deaf to Her #as she's dragged to Kosm Hell where she belongs!! #so yeah

[russquez]

rosquez x unknown

#rosquez #marc marquez #valentino rossi #motogp #hozier: ​'you called me angel' vale: 'small fucking bastard' #made this at 1am and i was screaming crying throwing up the whole time #it's probably the most unhinged thing my brain has ever come up with #web weaving #edit

[peachfruitcake]

did you hear about what Martin said about Susan and Linda on the Twitter space he hosted on the 27th? i thought of you instantly when he started talking about them and have been waiting for you to post your thoughts! :-)

HEHE YES IM THE ONE WHO’S QUESTION LED TO THAT!!!!!

Now for those who didn’t listen to that space, Martin said that Linda called her to say goodbye but never specified how it went of course. Besides “hey Susan I’m leaving sorry this is really impacting my mental health” “gaaaaaaaaaaey”/j

This is all a personal headcanon but I like to think that their friendship grew incredibly distant ever since Linda married Felix, Susan probably stopped talking to her altogether for a while and it would leave Linda very confused and upset. They might’ve started talking to eachother again a little bit as the series of events began to approach but only very brief small talk, maybe Linda complaining a little and giving Susan a few life updates and them both talking about stuff they’ve been noticing with others lately (especially Felix’s drinking), but nothing deeper than that.

I see Susan being extremely emotionally closed off to most people except maybe a select few that she knows very closely, so if you were to ask her what’s going on in her life she’d give you a very vaguely watered down version and not what’s actually going on or how she’s really managing herself emotionally.

So basically she used to be more open with Linda, but during that period she sort of just started treating her like a stranger.

So when Linda called her first to tell her that she’s finally leaving, Susan acted how she usually would, keeping it calm, understanding and respectful and wishing her luck, but she won’t really show any more than that. Or that she cried later and felt pretty bad that they couldn’t be so close anymore and that she’ll probably never be able to make up for herself acting so distant for the past many years again.

Of course this all comes from how I view Susan as a character myself though and also the fact that I refuse to pass up the idea that she has feelings for Linda. I like to think that she introduced her to Felix cuz Linda was getting more desperate to find a relationship and Susan was getting weird thoughts so in a panic she shoved her off to him so she could avoid the urges. They’ve been boiling within her since highschool and she always was able to push them aside or excuse them as “she’s just my very close friend I don’t have many close friends so she feels extra special” and as the years went by they began distracting her a lot from her work and were growing stronger and more unavoidable aaand they were really beginning to affect how she’d interact with Linda and you see Susan hates feeling like another has any control over her and Linda just wouldn’t shut up about hooooow badly she wants a relationship and hoooow many dates keep failing and Susan was at the point to where she was starting to get the kind of dreams that make you stare up at the ceiling in horror when you open your eyes in the morning so one day when she overheard Felix speaking about being single and wanting to start looking around, she decided to introduce her to him. Susan allegedly never finds a problem she can’t fix in some way so that was her solution.

They hit it off, Susan’s solution isn’t working for some reason cuz she doesn’t feel any relief at all and in fact feels worse but just sucks it up and just focuses on her work and looks the other way. Linda and Felix get married, Susan feels like throwing up the entire day and now feels somehow even more worse by now and suddenly whenever Linda wants to chat she’s suddenly always “busy” every time. Susan’s often busy anyways but you know yourself when there’s a difference between “shit I’m busy that day, let’s do Sunday instead” and “Sorry I can’t, I’m busy”, “I don’t know when I’ll be available.”

While Linda and Felix were dating, Susan probably assumed that she was just jealous that she couldn’t have a little fun at her age herself. When they got married, Susan told herself that she’s probably so depressed over it cuz it’s making her feel like she’s fallen behind others her age and that maybe she feels bitter that all of these people are moving on and going through these important life stages while she remains behind. Which made no sense otherwise cuz Susan couldn’t give any less of a fuck about starting any sort of family or going out. But that’s what Susan would tell herself that she feels so she wouldn’t have to think about it any further. By the time Susan thinks she’s over whatever it was, she begins having brief talks with Linda occasionally. Not often and still a bit distant, but way better than before.

So yeah can you imagine how shitty and guilty Susan felt that whole time of her weird bitterness toward Linda being in a relationship and not being able to approach her much anymore or how Felix turned out to be such a shitty husband.

If this headcanon is aligned with twf’s canon, she’d probably be dead before she even gets to actually acknowledge and accept her feelings as they are. Such is life though. Not like she could’ve done anything about it.

#tldr Susan is emotionally stunted as fuck and has no idea how to identify her emotions and struggles a lot with strong emotions. she’s the #poor bastard type to stand there light a deer in headlights whenever someone cries around her #you ask her how she feels and she doesn’t react on the outside and is like ‘it’s cool’ but deep down she’s falling to her knees and crying #plus she’s a busy woman and got no time for gay shit like pining #idk if u wanted that whole hc ramble but take it anyways (˘◡˘) #it’s cool that you thought of me though!!! means a lot I like it when I’m the first someone thinks of when it comes to susan Woodings :^) #now if you’ll excuse me my sleep gummy is kicking in #the walten files #twf #sulinda #twf sulinda #twf susan x linda #the walten files susan x linda #linda thompson #susan Woodings #headcanons #I remember after Martin announced them being school friends and that Susan introduced her to Felix I made a post mentioning how I see her #haven done that to push Linda away so she could avoid her attraction fo her and how that blew up in her face lol #and he liked the post heehee obv I know that that doesn’t mean it’s canon but it is to me 😁😁😁😁🌼 #i stg if this is incomprehensible to read #I’m too tired to proofread and I just wanna post this lol

[helpimtrappedinthetextbox]

A fnc fic where they met as kids, either by Chip obtaining a way to the under sea and meeting Gil some how or Gil running away to an above sea island and meeting Chip, where they know each other for no more than a month, but fundamentally change the course of each other's lives.

Where Chip shows Gil that it's not always black and white, that life is colored in shades of gray, that the Elders approval isn't everything.

Where Gil shows Chip how to allow himself to be, where he doesn't shave to chance his adoptive father's legacy, he can just be himself.

Where they sob in each others arm for hours knowing it'll likely be the last time they meet.

Where Chip, as he grows, learns to dream for himself, be himself, not chasing a shadow of a time long gone.

Where Gil, as he grows, learns to live for himself, be himself, not trying to fill impossible shoes for a Prophecy that could never be for him.

They do meet again, many years later, when each other is barely a wisp of a memory.

Chip in that boat with Jay, sure of himself and his own journey.

Gil floating in the open tide, having left his home to be free.

They don't recognize each other. They remember the person they met in their childhoods. But names and faces were lost to time.

They become crew, they become family.

One night, in an emotional conversation brought on by feelings of longing for a person long gone, they tell each other about the friend they had in their youths.

About the friend that forever changed their lives.

And maybe they realize, maybe they don't.

But regardless, they're together now. And forever.

#jrwi #just roll with it #jrwi riptide #jrwi gillion #gillion tidestrider #jrwi chip #chip james #jay ferin #jrwi jay #(mentioned but not a focus) #fnc #jrwi fnc #jrwi fish and chips #GOOD GRIEF THEY MAKE ME INSANE #bout made myself cry with this one bois #yes i did mean for it to come across as gay :) #chip is such a gunky gooey bastards. makes me wanna take him apart and put him back together over and over again #fnc brainrot #i miss them #my soul longs for that which it cannot have #SOBBIGN RN #apparently having a cry session in the tags about just wanting my silly goofy bois back #the title for the fic would be 'Finding My way back to You“

[talentforlying]

THE CONSTANTINE / MASTERS FAMILY: ( top to bottom )

thomas constantine (father, deceased)

mary anne constantine (mother, deceased)

cheryl masters née constantine (older sister, deceased)

john constantine (alive, for now)

the golden boy (twin, deceased)

gemma masters / constantine (niece, daughter of cheryl, alive)

#scopophobia / #scopophobia tw #putting a live action face to constantine's father gave me hives #charles dance was who i always had in mind for the family man tbh and the family man reminded john of his father so!! #putting a face to his MOTHER made me fucking CRY!!! LOOK AT HER!!!!!! AN ANGEL!!!!!! #i have feelings about the fact that the pics i chose for cheryl & mary anne ended up facing the same way #and the ones of john and gemma aren't looking at the camera. Many Thoughts #also if john's scar + eyes look wonky it is Totally Intentional Haha I Swear. it's the demon blood guys #( visage. ) AND I'M A BASTARD. #( cheryl. ) WALKED THROUGH HELL JUST TO LOSE HER. #( gemma masters. ) THAT'S MY NIECE YOU PIECE OF SHIT! #( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE.

[tariah23]

im back to say after reading your tags/ramblings on this new jjk chapter yeah everyone shitting on shoko and yuta for this are like? how.

especially with shoko (as you know i think about her a lot) i'm not surprised she reacted this way considering she has seen all of her friends die basically and she definitely deals with dead sorcerers on the daily that she probably knew in life considering she's the main healer. in my headcanons she recognizes a lot of the people who eventually end up dead on her exam table.

plus as you mentioned her reaction to geto's mass murder is super chill. she was never going to have a breakdown over fucked up shit? at least not outwardly, unfortunately we don't really get a look in her head. also god forbid a woman have interest in dead/macabre things and/or not give 110% emotionally at all times.

personally i enjoy satosugu (insert multishipper nuance here) but the fandom surrounding the ship is very...... can you think about any other character? please??? can you also see satoru and suguru as individuals???? PLEASE?

the manga is not your satosugu fanfiction there are other characters here that matter...

IT’S SO BAD!!! THEY ARE ACTING LIKE HIS STUDENTS AND FRIENDS WANTED THIS!?!! And are refusing to look at the story from a narrative standpoint outside of shipper/fanon shit… They do this literally every time something huge and awful happens. They always end up making it about a damn ship, completely glossing over the characters themselves and their intentions. It’s so frustrating. The Gojo and Getou they talk about is barely even them… those are OC’s!!!

And the only reason why they’re talking so negatively about Shoko is because they hate women 🗣️🗣️🗣️!!! It’s crazy, she’s literally a doctor who specializes in the dead. She’s a mortician!!! Like, you’ve stated, she’s been burying her colleagues and friends since she was a teenager. I’m sure she’s used to the business now. Even if it’s hard, if you’re in this line of work, people who work with the dead tend to not find it as torturous and haunting as any normal person would because death is an extension of life. They don’t view death as this big, scary, horrible thing they way people who don’t work with the dead/aren’t used to dealing with death, are. That’s why in rl, morticians and doctors might come off as extremely fickle and end uncomfortably nonchalant regarding death. They don’t view dying and the dead in the same way we would. They find comfort in knowing that they can help the grieving pass on the best way that they can by taking care of their bodies in their most vulnerable moments on earth. It would’ve been nice to see more of Shoko’s reactions and knowing about more of her feelings regarding Gojo’s passing because like I’ve stated before, Gege really fumbled her character and because of the way he wrote her, it makes it easier for fans who already don’t care about her, to mischaracterize and misunderstand her intentions, labeling them as “callous,” and “inconsiderate,” despite her having always been this way since the very beginning. She didn’t even so much as flinch when Getou had confirmed to her that he’d committed a massacre, killing over 100 people in the process. They were talking so casually as if they were talking about the weather. She had to fix up Haibara, probably one of their very first friends who she’d most likely ever had to work on… it’s just, I hate how the people bashing her really DON’T understand her character at all and have never once tried to and they’re constantly proving my point. They expected her to be sobbing in every panel, grabbing onto Gojo’s tight…, Sexy ass, black t-shirt, holding on for dear life and screaming at him to wake up and they absolutely HATE that a female character wouldn’t give that to them 🚶🏾‍♀️. I’m so sorry Shoko… they’re acting like Getou would’ve been the only one to feel bad about all of this simply because they ship them and forgot all about canon.

As for Yuuta… oh brother. The fact that all of Gojo’s students do care about him and have always admired him… Yuuta didn’t want this at all… but he knew that he HAD to do it in the end and so did the others. Knowing the kind of trauma that he’d suffered himself. The pain and isolation that he had to deal with because he was too afraid of hurting people so he pushed them away and purposely isolated himself. He’s canonically tried to take his own life on multiple occasions. After meeting Gojo, he learned that he had just as much as a right to live as anyone else and that he mattered. He chose life. Gojo, alongside the friends he’d made, made a huge impression on him and it makes me happy whenever I think about it. He used his strength to protect others and learned to see his strength as a good thing instead of a curse that separated him from society. Gojo already knows what it’s like to be lonely and lived with that till the very end. But he made sure to let his students know that they all were worth living. This is literally why he wanted to become a teacher in the first place!!! Have the fans forgotten just how much he adores his students!?!! Yuuta knew exactly how Gojo must’ve felt… even taking over his body, he didn’t need to view his memories to find out.

Even if it is, from a narrative standpoint, incredibly disgusting, Gojo gave them permission because he values the lives of the people he cares about, especially the kids (ppl always forget that he loves children 😭… he’s do anything for them), above his own. When it comes to the kids, he knows that he’s the adult in the situation. Just like Nanami, it’s the adults duty to protect the children and he feels the same way. His corpse gave them a way to fight back and he gladly gave it to them as sad as this might sound… He’s always been this way and we all know why. Come on. He’d always seen it as his duty to protect and shield them from the horrors of the real world that would soon hurt them back. I hate that he’s still being used as a weapon in his death so much, it really makes me want to cry, I could barely sleep 😭… but man…, whenever stuff like this happens, it just goes to show that not everyone was reading the story with their eyes open. Blame it on shipper brainrot.

#uhhhhh sorry for ranting sksksksk #tkf replies #frostbitten-Icarus #the fans made me not care for the ship at all I can barely even look at itsnsnsj #it’s… I like the ship if its gego only because most of the fans for it seem to be normal and don’t mischaracterize them like crazy… they #actually talk about the story and characters individually while stsg girls can’t go a second without making everything important that’s #ever happened to them about the ship itself and reduce them to generic tropes that just go around fucking and crying over each other when #we know they aren’t like that at all like a lot of the artists are good but I can hardly handle seeing them as bastardized ocs 😭… I’m #glad I care about them individually I adore them both!!! i just wished fans actually read the text that gege wrote himself instead of ao3 #ff all day #sorry for my typos yhhh

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

I miss pure evil villains so much

#I miss Zoom #he was perfect #we would never get him now #every villain has to have ‘complex motivations’ n shit #please #just give me one more evil bastard #my posts #yes I just rewatched a bunch of Barry whump and came across Red Death and it made me want to cry #now I’m rewatching the Enter Zoom scene to cope

[ambreiiigns]

btw rick and morty makes me insane bc no one Gets it people who don't wanna watch it (like me! before my brother made me watch it in exchange of him watching sk8 the infinity w me!) are like ugh problematique bad #edgy dark humor adult cartoon for reddit bros 🙄 but then the reddit bros who watch it & became the main representatives for its audience are like haha pickle rick wooo you need high iq I Relate To Rick Sanchez Deeply and he's like the joker to them and he's a king and an icon of alpha males somehow???? but like. neither of those people understand that rick and morty is actually about Nobody Exists On Purpose. Nobody Belongs Anywhere. Everybody's Gonna Die. Come Watch TV?

#like yea the universe is huge and there's so many versions of everything that everything becomes replaceable and therefore worthless #and you can find joy in that or not. you can find a way to be happy despite it all or not #yes the core is nihilism. but then like. why are we ignoring the opposite approaches to nihilism shown by the titular characters #people will talk too much abt rick and not enough abt morty if u ask me but whatever. let's talk abt rick #why will people forget that what makes our rick the ''rickest rick'' (arguable ????) is not that he's the Toughest Smartest Whatever rick #but that he's the most human rick ? like. the fact that he was attached to his humanity and to the worth he found within it is what #kickstarts the entire show. bc he tries quitting science. and when another rick offers him the portal gun so he can live out that #nihilistic reckless life we see he refuses it bc it sounds Lonely???????? which it IS #so then the other rick takes away what matters to our rick. and that's what makes him the Alpha Male Genius that the reddit bros like #not his toughness his brains his big dick or whatever. it was all about loooove baybayyy and revenge i do love revenge #it was his heart that made him into what we see in the show <3 and what we see in the show is a pathetic weak miserable old bastard #but the reddit bros aren't brave enough to accept it #but whatever. next time we will be talking abt how much he loves morty and how he hates it so much bc it makes him weak #(as evil rick points out when they're looking over rick's memories and he tears up when he sees morty. which kills me btw) #(so much so that when rick can take out everything he considers toxic from inside of him he gets rid of his love for morty too) #and yet he loves his little buddy sooooo much it's what fuels him now. kinda. lol #is he still shitty. does he fall back in his own shit a lot. does he keep treating morty like shit. yea #there's no buts. the statements coexist #yes he will drunk call jessica to cry abt missing morty. yes he will dump morty for two crows #and also he's in love w birdperson. next time too #oh nay

[dylanconrique]

tim faking a back injury while play wrestling with lucy all so he can pop up and pin her back down to the ground and tickle her senseless, can you please imagine how cute that would be????

#*and this is icarly! #the rookie #tim bradford #lucy chen #chenford #otp: you know me so well #like... #imagine them laughing and squealing climbing rolling and hitting each other in a fit of giggles on the floor like toddlers #until tim decides to use his emergency spinal surgery to his advantage #to suddenly ✌️ pull a muscle in his back ✌️ #groaning in agony again about how much it hurts #sending lucy into panic mode as she sits up and frantically scans the living room for her phone to call for help #and then while her guard is down... BAM!!! tim the sneaky lil bastard turns the tables on her and pins her down #she doesn't take him seriously about it at first but he puts on a real good show of being hurt and is like 'no i'm serious lucy' #and her face falls instantly like 'o-okay... hold on babe i'm gonna call for help' 🥺🥺 #it's honestly just a one time thing he tries though since he felt super guilty about lucy's emotional reaction #and the fact that he made her tear up and cry a little bit with this silly little stunt #GODDDDD I AM SO IN MY FEELS FOR THEM TODAY I MISS THEM SO MUCH

[katyspersonal]

Tumblr sorta needs a 'Mute' feature in my opinion. Like what if I don't want to block this user, what if I don't want to become enemies and in some days I'd like to interact. But also most of the time seeing how they avidly encourage everyone else whereas I get the passive-aggressive 'oh yeah very uhh... interesting... (please leave me alone I don't like your art lol)' makes me want to unfollow every single fan of these characters and never draw them again.

I remember two years ago the exact same thing happened when someone liked the same character and the same ship and I swear I was the only person in the fandom they bluntly left out and could not spare a single good word for. I can't even blame this on my art being "ugly" because this type of user always aggressively praises all art styles and all levels of skill, it feels more like 'a personal thing except we never fought a single time'. And now my toxic trait of needing approval from [cool person name] is back to haunt me years later! Add the unability to "abandon" this character/ship/whatever despite wanting to after facing so much unspoken passive spite, because I am a contrarian and the best way to trap me into doing something is to try to exclude me from it. I didn't face attempts to very aggressively bully me out of the yard/class/community/etc, sometimes with physical violence included, only to let something mid like passive aggression online finally do it.

I am really stupid and naive person despite my age, but in like 5% of the cases I will still understand the hint and understand what is going on. Yet I have to pretend to be clueless even in rare situations when I know someone hates me, because since they never admitted it, quitting will be perceived as me being "paranoid". But dear goooood, it hurts sometimes. I hope that one day I will be numbed to being treated as a tumor on an otherwise healthy body of society that someone is dying to amputate- and always a person whose approval I want, of all people. Knowing that this day will come is one of the things that keep me going as both a person and a creator. Things like viruses and diseases still try their best to persist, so even if I am actually one, I should persist. It doesn't matter whether I actually rot everything around me or this is just my self-depreciating delusion upon focusing on people that mistreated me and not people that loved me. What matters is persisting, I just still feel angry that it hurts. I can't respond spite with spite or passive aggression with passive aggression, I can't do the 'smug asshole' when I become aware that someone tries to starve me until I "die". I can just fall over and cry about it like a kicked dog, despite being so old, especially when it is a person I didn't have anything against.

And really.. It is as simple as turning the internet off, so I don't see The Person and can focus on doing stuff that I like, as if they never existed and can't crash my self-esteem. It is just annoying to keep doing this, a feature to not see them unless I am in the mood would be better. Like.. blocking is not an option. Not only it implies being enemies which is not my intention, but also it will be like an "evidence" that I was "crazy". They didn't do anything, right? Well, they know what they did, but it was never verbal, so it is my fault I "imagined things", right?

#/vent #/negative #/HEAVILY negative #fandomry rambles #like I started crying typing this do not read it unless you already know #it is just stupid how I don't even need any sort of drama to *just* annoy people to THIS severe point #like I said even before everything there was a very similar situation #I just evoke some primal hatred in specific type of people #it is probably what happened with maasanox but they apologized and moreover felt bad vibes from the stalker bully idiot #it is more like that meme from Lilo and Stitch #'ah yeah all artists and other creative fans deserve knowing they are liked and talented and supported...' #*katya walks in* 'EXCEPT THAT ONE!!!!!!!' #the punchline is that the two years ago guy and todays guy are fans of the same character #I swear the fictional bastard has abnormal ability to reveal the ugliest truths and bring out the worst in people #like the last time someone kinned the twink every single person here showed their true face and that was painful #not a single person got spared of showing what they were made of and me lacking spine was the LEAST of the sins brought up for judgement #you see this is why truth hurts. because people are terrible. truth is always ugly because WE are always ugly #I kinda love him for that but seriously can he stop making the worst things surface for FIVE minutes lol #in my excuse I am TRYING to kill my 'inner child' because these problems are too stupid but it seems impossible #I am a kicked dog with rabies in the past today and always

[franeridan]

doodling ace and suddenly having a lil mental breakdown over him, daily occurrences and all that

#probably the most bastard thing oda ever did to him was making him so heavily family oriented and give him #THE WORST #family situation ever #he took his mom's surname #keeps dadan's beads #spends all his time talking about his lil bro and how much he loves him #and more his whole downfall was how much he loved his new family #his happiness was being called son and brother #the horrible thing is that everything we know about roger makes it obvious he was a great dude #ace would have ADORED him #he'd have been So Happy with him #and instead he spent his whole life hating him isn't that tragic? doesn't it just kill you? #that had his parents been alive he'd have loved them so much he'd have made it his whole personality #and instead the world used them to make him miserable and convinced he's undeserving of love?? #when he could have been so bright with them his whole life instead I'm gonna sob I'm gonna cry for real #don't EVEN make me start on sabo and how ace must have felt for the past ten years of his life about him #and he never even got to know he was alive!!! he had his jolly roger on his arm!!! inside his name!!!!! #i know that the reason why i love ace sm is bc oda wrote him like this but at the same time fuck oda for writing him like this

[vilelittlecritter]

Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"

People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"

Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"

#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse #like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont #ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean #i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun #lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly #oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well #the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that #oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour #as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little #so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends! #ha ha. this is agony. #i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone #which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one #also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse #i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy #its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking #yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much #im also just really snappy sometimes #I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine #they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them #i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents #they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them #sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone #i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it #sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay #I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor #again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon #if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed #personal rambles #vent tag

[raytoroapologist]

my brother is about to wipe my fallout 4 save which has 180 hours of gameplay on it :)

#he made fun of me for crying about it too?? like sorry i care about the storyline and character lore i lovingly crafted over the course #of more than a year?? #bastard

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

you said you wanted to feel alive so we went to the beach / i'm 27 and i don't know who i am but i know what i want / but we don't have to talk about it i can walk you home and practice method acting / i'll bite the hand that feeds me / i think you mean what you say when you say you want to stay alive / so we spent what was left of our serotonin to chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon / i wanna be emaciated i wanna hear one song without thinking of you / if you rewrite your life may i still play a part / you think you're a good person because you won't punch me in the stomach / i wanna be happy i'm ready

(tear cues - boygenius, cologne 16/8/2023)

#going through the setlist and these lyrics nearly made me cry again #this night was a full on catharsis #listening to these lyrics live #hearing them being sung and singing them with them #holy shit #my life is full #and i get to see them again tomorrow #lucky bastard #these are songs that have been with me through such intense emotions #they are there for me like a weighted blanket #and tbh to now connect them to real life and to experience them in a crowd was just full body chills all night long #boygenius

[soft-serve-soymilk]

save me mages with long hair and self-esteem issues.. save me

#it’s definitely an archetype of character That I Enjoy ^^ #so much so that I have a homemade version! On a more superficial level that’s one of the niches Archie fills <3 #lil bastard made me cry yesterday over his backstory #I almost made a post abt it. Fell asleep in the process of writing my thoughts. #But for a moment I sufficiently tricked myself to buy into the illusion of story and whoops caught feelings lmao #Him on the ventilator… his atrophied body wasting away with every shallow breath.. #It’s that look in his eyes that so captures me #The fear of a lonely death.. of a living a worthless unaccomplished life #and so he still clings on to life with the minute strength he has #anyways. Archie Dandelion everyone. I love him sm too <3 #just pav things