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constellaj · 4 months

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One question about your Multiverse AU that I've always been dying to ask and have now gotten the courage to do so: How did the Geoff and Alejandro who got to become Vaquero meet and then subsequently fuse?

I'm also happy with just any tidbits about Vaquero because he seems like an incredibly interesting character.

Oh man that is one of my favorite stories !!! As always, pieced together with the help of @crystalfloe :)

So our multiverse has a pseudo-government, not necessarily in the collecting taxes sense, but in a very strict "detaining people with highly volatile personalities or magic powers" sense. So strict that you can be detained for something you did in a past life-- and you will be!

This is what happened to Geoff. Dude has no idea what he's in for, but one day he's shipped from a dinky little temporary holding cell into the massive, main DIDU complex (Dangerous Immortal Detention Unit).

He's supposed to go to some "rehab" program while he's here. A program that just so happens to be run by Alejandro!

Alejandro is a little more experienced when it comes to dealing with the multiverse; some might say too experienced. He's got a kind of terrifying powerset, and kind of hates his job as a therapist, but it pays well- and he really, really needs the cash.

See, Alejandro is a "pairhunter." Two immortals can "pair" with one another (almost always on accident) when their auras intertwine, giving them a powerful combined boost in magic. If this relationship is severed, however, the results can be unstable and catastrophic for the people who've paired. Oftentimes, without the support of their pair's original aura, their physical and mental forms break down until they're nothing but a conglomerate of goo wandering the multiversal plane, looking for their lost pair-- a creature known as a Pairhunter.

While it's unclear the circumstances that led to this Alejandro becoming one, we know his former pair was a Geoff-- probably an asshole, Aftermath-hosting one.

Pairhunters are almost always quarantined by the DIDU. Alejandro's employers don't know he is one, because he's found a temporary work around-- buying suspicious pills on the black market! Some lovely lady out there is extracting aura from a bunch of imprisoned Geoffs and condensing it into capsule form, which helps our little Al stave off total deterioration.

Geoff pills don't come cheap, though, which is why he has this job in the first place. Unfortunately, he leaves Geoff himself unattended in his office. More unfortunately, while rooting around for contraband (to bring back to the boys, bro!), Geoff finds and accidentally absorbs his medication.

Geoff has no reason to know it, but his power this lifetime is energy absorption. Pills made entirely of formless aura seep into your skin *quick,* especially if that aura is *yours.* He has no idea what just happened or even what those pills were.

What he *does* know is how panicked Alejandro is when he gets back. Total 180° from his usually suave, if disinterested, behavior-- talking about how he's going to lose his job and his mind. Geoff might be in jail, but that doesn't mean he's an asshole, so he does what you learn to do after a lifetime of prison; he grabs Alejandro and hides from the staff.

In a cramped little broom closet he sees something he hasn't before; a man breaking apart into abstract form, dripping onto the ground. Without the stabilization of those pills, Alejandro's basically done for. Confused and offput by this needlessly charming man in tears, Geoff does what a Geoff does best. He hugs the dude.

Turns out, when a being *made* of uncompressed energy and a being that *absorbs* uncompressed energy collide, they fuse.

Vaquero's first appearance is brief, but it changes the stakes. Even just those few seconds fused stabilized Alejandro better than a lifetime of pills. (Hugging your boyfriend is not a substitute for taking your antidepressants. This is fiction. go take your meds man). The two make a pact; Alejandro stops trying to mold Geoff into the ideal 'reformed prisoner,' and Geoff doesn't tell any guards what's happening. They continue their therapy sessions, of course, as scheduled, but those very quickly become nothing but the opportunity for Vaquero to form again.

And, naturally, over time they develop feelings for each other. Classic gay shit.

Unfortunately, every part of this plan is illegal, down to the act of fusion itself. Through a series of stupid mistakes and cocky attitudes, one guard (pseudoname Helix) develops his suspicions. Alejandro is pressured and interrogated. Worse, Geoff gets planned to move to deep solitary, with no hopes of ever seeing Alejandro again.

Who's ready for a good old fashioned prison break?

With Geoff's prison buds and Alejandro's knowledge of the complex, Vaquero manages to make it out into the central city-Hub of the multiverse. He loses Helix in a mostly condemned back alleyway, hiding in an abandoned building.

Once the lights come on, he realizes this place is perfect size for an illicit bar.

And so opens Club Vaquero, an underground and entirely secretive operation that hides the misfits and criminals of the wider multiverse. Run by a man you've never seen before, not at any Bridgette beach parties or Carlos soccer meets-- a man unlike anything you've seen in the multiverse before, a man with no parallel versions.

Let's just hope Helix doesn't hear about this place.

#my apologies for letting this sit a while before answering!!#i hope you like the read :)#multiverse au #total drama #geoff td #alejandro td #ask

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ajcgames · 15 days

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Mini performance update

I've spent my free time over the last few days working on some significant performance improvements for some of the core elements of the game and how it runs.

Now, I'm not making the next DOOM so I shouldn't be so precious over framerates for an indie project. I should also remember that the general scope of what I'm trying to achieve probably allows for a few inefficiencies here and there.

But performance optimisations can be a fun engineering challenge in themselves, and there were some obvious changes I could make.

New stress tests

After finishing up all the tweaks I wanted to make, I fired up the stress test again to first get a baseline of an empty level, then following up with a large-scale performance test.

In idle mode in an empty level (nothing placed and the player isn't doing anything), the frame rate has jumped into the >2,000 range. Given the low scence density at this point (only a handful of single polygons representing the floor), I can imagine most games would run like this. Not an entirely practical test, but it's a baseline if nothing else.

Using the same packing method as before, I filled a 40x40 level with belts, and lined each edge with machines. So that's a total of over 1,500 belts and 40 machines running.

On my previous stress test at this rate, you may remember that I had managed to get the FPS up to 180 - after I'd done my first round of optimisations. So to have brought this up to over 400 is a really great step forward.

So how would this fare in the oversized 80x80 level - a size that will likely never be seen in the game?

Somewhat predictably the framerate has dropped by half, though I expect this is less to do with the GPU at this stage and the game is starting to become CPU bound due to the vast number of objects.

The game still chugs at a respectable >200 fps, which can't be bad. Again, there's no real likelihood that a given level will ever reach that kind of load. Belts are the most complex objects in the game compared to machines - which are comparatively basic. So getting over 200 fps with over 6,000 of them is something I'm pretty pleased with.

I spent a little while reading some old developer blogs from Factorio's earlier days - specifically how they optimised their belts. The methods they used feel a little complex for me to implement, and ultimately for now - I'm just one person. I've got a lot of other game logic to work on alongside the visual assets and other paraphernalia. So I'm happy to take this small win and move the project forward from here.

😊

The next update should have some normal game-related updates in, so I'll be back with some more soon!

Thanks for swinging by, and I hope you've all had a great week!

#indie games #game development #game dev blog #gamedev #automation #factory game

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moonstone27ls · 30 days

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X-men 97 thoughts so far...

Gonna give one spoiler warning....

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Why? Because if reviewers haven't spoiled it, most youtubers have dozens of dozens of clips. Literally no point in me saying it much....

Sooo... that pretty much it....

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.....Spoiler warning....ends.......

............................................now....(Also warning I do not have a Disney+ account. I'm on a budget I'm relying on clip unfortunately)

So my thoughts initially when I was hesitant to really look at it. Not so much because Disney owns this now. Its just been a long time. I kinda quit watching the original cartoon I wanna say before the last two seasons.

First ep didn't really grab me. At first the animation turned me off. I can't give a definitive reason why. Just something about when they first talked. And also.... did everyone suddenly get paler? oO No I'm not accusing them of whitewashing Storm. I'm referring to in general. I mean even Magneto looks a bit bleached.

It at best seemed decent. Ep 2 was shown and I was intrigued to see Magneto was apparently in Charles will and just gave him everything. Either he loved/had faith in Magneto more than he showed or just dang he pulled a 180 as they say. Lol I kid, I do think Xavier did all that out of good faith.

That one grabbed my attention a lot more. To see Magneto struggle against what he's use to. To try and be better for Xavier and the X-men. I admit seeing Storm lose her powers was a shocker. But I don't believe she'll stay human forever.

As hard as it is sometimes to see the other side. The show did actually attempt to show a pov for humans. (And no not referring to friends of humanity group). Its just a youtber pointed it out, that although Storm was protecting Magneto, yeah through a humans' eyes the powers could look more terrifying. And although it was stupid of the doctor to refuse aid to Madelyne (Jean's clone, sorry warned earlier on spoilers).

I've watched enough hero shows to see... the doc had a point. DC's Ace accidentally killed her parent as a baby. Cyclops has had accidents. So the fear wasn't totally without cause. Still cool though that Rogue could absorb medical knowledge and the nurses complied.

Enjoyed Wolverine's face when she said the baby was coming. Baby Nathan was cute. And the monologue Magneto gave the UN was really well done.

Ep 3 came and well wasn't entirely shocked the Jean, Cylcops had a baby with would turn out to be her clone. I dunno if it was everyone guessing or the comic reference. Hmm for me it was her face in the background. I swear Madelyne looked more angry than shocked.

And also dang that was good moment to show us they could let go of some restraints. Besides the excellent animation in both their fears being shown and Goblin Queen's fight with X-men and Magneto. And I'm gonna say it... Jean's talk with Wolverine. Very sweet moment, it made me a Jean/Logan shipper. And I recall as a kid I wasn't really into it.

Though will it happen... dunno. Probably not. But I wouldn't be entirely against it. Especially watching that whole ep. Just neither one can remember when they got switched. Just awkwarddddddddd. And while it was sad Cyclops had to say goodbye to his baby, granted I had not read the comics but was told enough to know it was gonna happen. Changed obviously but cartoons does their own thing.

Ep 4 was okay, Jubilee's okay but stuff with Mojo was never my thing. I just enjoyed it when her and Roberto finally became an item. Super cute. Though surprised that the X-men just basically bent over when Magneto said "no" to Jubilee's birthday wish. I mean granted yes he owns their group?/or home. But they all literally wanted to enjoy/and give Jubilee a birthday party. Just surprised not even Wolverine offered to take them out.

Storm's arc was so far ok(waiting for part 2 to full give opinion). Felt sorry for her the entire time cause she clearly missed her powers. And was a bit surprised Forge made those weapons... (dunno if thats a direct ref to the comics).

Then on to ep 5... the one I think so far has clearly blown our minds. I'm not gonna lie part of me saw what happened with Genosha coming because I follow people who explain comic history. So moment the place was mentioned I thought "oh boy what are they gonna do". I am a bit surprised Cable attempted to stop it. Or warn others of it? Sooo... is Madelyne dead? Went to fast to show if she survived.

Action scenes were intense to say the least. Not gonna lie I will be super pissed if they killed off Remy just so Rogue can run back to Magneto. Yes I know what the robot said and everyone's all "Magneto's dead".... but considering how this ended I wouldn't be surprised if he's shown alive later. Guess just a bit surprised people died in general. I mean its not Invincible level but you get the idea still surprising.

Any personal notes... okay what I liked. Voice acting's good, glad they got back the original actors, animation, music even pretty good, some of the story has done fairly well. I like some of the new characters.. I mean I guess.. its been 5 episodes I can't say there's been a lot. All of the cameos and easter eggs.

Anything I don't like...the love drama. Cyclops love rectangle(had to add Wolverine). Not sure were the writers are planning to go with this. And Emma Frost is here, as a character I dunno. But her role with Cyclops I DO remember. Please people don't add more. Lol. After this ep I can already see his variables. One, Madelyne's alive and he choses her. Two, Madelyne's dead and he wants Jean back as a rebound; though she's clearly in my opinion should be given space instead of being asked to choose whom to love right now. Or three she's hurt and he drags his feet in between both. Which sucks.

Honestly although I know Logan turned Jean down. I would prefer Jean go "I need space". She finds her space and she just asks Logan on a date. Just to see where it goes.

Then there's the one I REALLY didn't ask for Rogue/Magneto/Gambit. Yes I know this was in the comics but even then I didn't like it. But onto the show version. Don't like it cause there was no hint of it in the series. And secondly felt like the story was trying to give us Rogue/Gambit as a couple. So to see them trying to find their footing and then shoehorn this love triangle in was EXHAUSTING. I mean I love Magneto as a character both hero/antihero and villain. But I don't ship him with Rogue. He's old enough to be her grandfather and the animation doesn't really do well of hiding it either. He's a cool grandpa but still grandpa to me.

AND yes I know this is a revival. But even their attempts to give it justification felt off. Their background made it more awkward. I'm giving my opinion to be clear. You don't like it don't read it. From what I can tell Rogue was kicked out as a teen. And according to the wiki she was 13.

She met Magneto (according to this revival ) sometime after Mystique took her in. What time? I admit it doesn't say. Given how she's in her mid 20s in the show. We still have to assume she was still a teenager when they met.

Again can't give a precise age besides the fact that it was vague on purpose. Secondly, the animators made her look her 20s age even when she met Magneto. And I'm not buying that. I get it they're attempting to not make this triangle so out of the blue.

But doing it like this now and then I'm gonna be blunt watching his actions/and that dance felt wayyyy more predatory than it did romantic. At least Wolverine wouldn't put Jean on the spot so he could get into her pants. I mean come on writers Magneto could literally have ANYONE else without making it feel predatory BD;.

I'll say it again, I will be PISSED if Gambit is killed and Magneto lives. And just so we can push a may/December romance NOBODY asked for. And at Gambit's expense.

Thats it. I'll write my opinions when the rest of the eps are shown. Later till then!

#X-men #Marvel comics #x men animated series #X-men 97

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rosemariad · 3 months

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Supernatural season 13

I've heard of the widower arc that takes place during the early part of this season but geez

Dean looks so depressed – the desolation, the hopelessness. Poor Dean Bean, lost his angel yet again. You can't help but feel for the poor guy (for now…)

Then the instant 180, uno reverse this man takes in his demeanor. He's so happy Cas is back. AND having a big cowboy adventure! They're spoiling this man after the widower arc. Jack & Sam are not down for it but Dean's been so miserable they shut the fuck up.

Dean swallowing deeply when Cas quotes Tombstone – confirmation they have movie nights together (ALONE??????) if they were alone during these movie nights – they're basically dating w/o clarifying that they are actually dating – and they're coparenting, my goodness! The domestication is real!

We later find out Dean snuck a quick shot of Cas in the little cowboy hat he made him wear for the case. Wow.

But as a side note - I did NOT appreciate how shitty Dean was to Jack. He was basically abusing him verbally like WTF give the kid a damn chance - don’t make death threats to the newborn child that was literally born yesterday like the fuck #jackdefensesquad. Like anything bad that jack actually does, he’ll think back to the moments where Dean was like ‘oh he’s a monster’ ’when you go dark side, I’ll be the one to kill you’ yeah like maybe that’s what pushed him to that point. It’s no surprise Jack chooses to leave. My ass would’ve been gone. Also was Cas made aware of the threats Dean made to Jack???

They’re making it REALLY HARD to like Dean this season. MoC was bad, Demon!Dean too but evil forces were at work. This time he got no excuse — threatening at 16 yr old girl who has no one in her corner. They’re basically forcing her to help them for nothing in return. Unbelievable 🤬 And Sam, wtf? Would it kill you to stand up to your fuckin’ brother!

Anyway - Jack’s power is totally cool though.

Kaia…was killed by an alternate self? Whaaaaaat?

So this was the season they tried for the Wayward Girls? Shame it didn’t work out…like the premise is cool BUT since the main show barely give the women characters the time of day, is it any wonder that a pilot didn’t work? The showrunners only seem good with moments - but no building up of the narrative like the male counterparts AKA main cast. Also - what would be the conflict - give people a reason to keep watching the girls - their storylines seem more or less resolved - Jody has already mourned the loss of her family, its not like she became Batman or something to fight a war against criminality. Claire has also gotten past the loss of her parents (as far as we know but honestly she should’ve been part of the main narrative as her life had been directly affected by Castiel’s actions and we all know why Cas bothers to get up in the morning…anyway), Donna doesn’t seem to have anything going on - she’s divorced but over it, Alex is over her dark past, Patience is just seeming to get a hand of her abilities - like where are the stakes??? Sam and Dean had a whole quest to embark on, then they had to navigate fraternal relationship while fighting monsters all the time, slowly unraveling an overarching narrative that’s taken over their lives. Where’s that for the ladies????

I spoke too soon - Donna’s niece gets kidnapped and Doug is her boyfriend (wow totally forgot about that guy, certainly didn’t think he’d return) and once he gets turned into a vampire but cured of it, he’s done. Before he leaves Donna, he calls her a hero. Honestly, if I ended up having a partner/lover who killed dangerous supernatural creatures, I wouldn’t leave them. I’d stick by them and have them teach me a few things. Oh well. Maybe Donna will run to Jody to have a shoulder to cry on ;) I know y’all JodyxDonna shippers are out there.

Scoobynatural was fucking legendary! I loved watching Scooby doo as a kid, from when they were literal babies, to the OG episodes, to the revamp from the early 2000s, all the movies! (Zombie Island was the best!). It was a genuine delight watching the Winchesters (and Cas) cross paths with Mystery Inc. makes me wish they met Buffy and Ash from Evil Dead. That would’ve been awesome! Watching Dean say scooby dooby doo was total cringe tho :/ I love that Cas shut him down 🤣🤣

That ascot though? He’s wearing it all wrong, its supposed to be stuffed in, like how Fred wears it. And certainly not worn with plaid. SMH…

But now I totally want Supernatural as a fucking cartoon! Just like Scooby Doo - it would’ve been fucking glorious, Dean’s unhinge-able jaw, the kooky facial expressions, the comedic effects, and who knows, it would’ve given the show-runners the artistic freedom to reveal the true form of angels, namely, Castiel’s. Oh well.

Donatello is…dead? I know they said Brain dead but after Amara sucked out his soul and Cas fucked up his brain, isn’t he better off dead? Par for the course for a prophet though, sucks for him.

Funny how Rowena suddenly wants to be the good mom and try to bring her demon son back after CENTURIES of chances. Sure she may not have known what became of Fergus since she left him, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have taken much to find out. She just didn’t want to. Now she’s filled with regret. And Sam’s destined to murder her? And she didn’t take him out? Okay, well then I guess it’s only a matter of time until she dies😒 not this season though, she’s too useful with her witchy powers to be killed off until she serves whatever purpose is convenient 😒

Angels are almost extinct :( I know they’re meant to be seen as controlling jerks but so is Dean XD lol anyway that’s a bummer with devastating consequences cuz if there’s no angels - they said all the souls will fall to Earth and become ghosts - billions in number - yeah. If it were me I would’ve just said the souls disappear but it ain’t my show 🤷🏽‍♀️

Naomi is back and I don’t even care - I’m sorry but I just don’t care about Apocalypse world either, I feel like it’s a grand waste of time. The fact that Charlie and Bobby are there doesn’t even matter cuz it’s not them. It’s not the Charlie and Bobby we got to know before. They’re just counterparts of another world, echoes of the fallen. When Dean says I can’t lose you, dude you literally just met her. And they’re expected to what, abandon the world they were born into? The fuck?

And fuck this show for killing Kevin TWICE!!! Kevin you were too precious for this universe/multiverse, whatever.

ketch is the latest (aside from rowena) of former villains/enemies/antagonist in supernatural that's suddenly we're supposed to be sympathetic towards since they switch sides and help the winchesters for a change but what's the reason??? I feel it's a little out there that Dean especially would let ketch live after what he put his mom through but whatever. since the show runners insisted with this whole apocalypse world crap, Dean would have died without ketch's help 😑

Gabriel has returned…only to die…again…awesome. at least he got to fuck rowena before he passed away 🤣😅

Luci got fucked over hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha

Bobby x Mary, oh man John would be roaring in his grave…if he had one 🤣 [got burned to ashes in season 2], Bobby finna take his whole family, first his sons now his wife ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Luci resurrected someone? And nothing bad happened? Now tht’s a twist. I figured since he’s Satan she’d turn into a demon or something, but i guess not cuz we’re definitely not gonna see her again…

You know since I’ve seen The Boys I can see a resemblance between homelander and the devil, they both blow up in anger very similarly. When jack tells Luci, you’re not my father, he raged in a way that was eerily like Homelander would’ve. Just thought I’d point that out…

Dean lets in Alt-Michael - Oh Lord above its the apocalypse all over again (this was a cool shot though) - meanwhile what’s OG Michael doing? Is he still in the Cage with Adam? Really? You had to bring an extra Michael into this nonsense? Ok 🙄 You know if Luci had possessed Sam too, it would’ve been a wrap!

Jack is powerless…for now? This poor kid was gonna kill himself?! Honey why? Ugh I’m blaming Dean for this. He put the seed in that kid’s head he was nothing but trouble and he was going to sacrifice himself, poor baby!

Cas why would you let Dean go?!?! Too sad to follow him into battle after Dean let Alt-Michael in?

Why can’t Sam get a super powerful Big Bad kill huh? Why is it always Dean? Geez.

So the only good things to happen this season were Scooby Doo and Jack meeting Cas. Ugh, their meetup was soo cute ^_^

Welp only 2 seasons left, the last that’s over 20 episodes. Which means we only have 40 episodes to go til the end…goodie 😅

#supernatural #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #mary winchester #jack kline #scoobynatural #rowena macleod #rowena supernatural #ah shit here we go again #apocalypse #supernatural season 13 #bobby singer #charlie bradbury

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petr1kov · 3 months

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can we get a johnny update? how much more do you think you’ll need to cover his treatment? i’m hoping i can donate once my next paycheck comes in 👉👈

first of all, thank you for asking! i want to talk more about his condition here but i don't want to come across as 'too much', so it's nice of you to show interest in knowing more and helping

i'll say more under the cut since i'll include some not-so-pretty pictures that some people don't want to see:

so far, the only thing we know for sure is that he has a nasty tumor that became infected, and another one growing on the other side of his mouth -- if you compare these pictures with the ones i took of him last week, you can see the difference:

i made that original post before i took him to the oncologist (in part to be able to afford a visit in the first place), so i only had what the first vet i took him to said to go off of, meaning, the surgery. but speaking to the oncologist, she said that given the state of his mouth, the only way to 'solve' this problem would be to completely remove his jaw, which, given his advanced age (don't know if i mentioned it before but johnny is around 16, so he's pretty old for a dog) would be pretty risky and painful and in her words, 'not worth it', given the fact that unlike a younger dog, he doesn't have years to acclimate with a new condition like this, and it would be stressful for him. assuming it would even be viable in the first place, that is.

on top of that, we've discovered that his tumor had not only grown but become infected, which made cytology and biopsy impossible until he healed of this infection first, exams he needs in order to determine the exact nature of his tumor and for the vet to know how to proceed after that. his symptoms and blood test indicate cancer, but there's a small chance that it's something else, so either way we need to do it to identify what it is.

in the meantime, we gave him an antibiotic and an anti-inflammatory as well as medicine for pain, and we also took him to a bunch of other exams this week: another blood test, an x-ray, an ultrasound, and an echocardiogram. this is all both how healthy and strong he is overall, and so we can know if this cancer has metastasized anywhere else on his body. we are expected to return next thursday with his results, since by then, his infection will likely be gone (it has already stopped bleeding, at least).

all of that said, when it comes to money, the amount i have received on previous donations has already been a huge help as it has basically covered all we have done so far: the oncologist (180), the medicine (220, 66, and 100 total), the exams (can't remember each individually but it all amounted to 570). this is all in reais, but still, pretty expensive, and i definitely didn't have the money, especially not on such short notice, so i thank all who donated!

given how we still don't know for sure what his treatment will consist of, i cannot say how much more i will have to spend after that. i am very worried about it, believe me, because i know that no matter how it goes there WILL be a treatment and it WILL cost me, but i can't know just how much yet, so i can only speculate. given our previous visit, i think he'll likely need to undergo chemotherapy, but again, that's just my guess for now.

what i do know for sure is that next thursday, i will take him to the oncologist again where we will finally do a cytology test on him, and i'll take him to the dentist following that, since we need to determine exactly what can be done regarding his mouth. i have enough left for the oncologist, but not the dentist and the exam, which will cost about (250) combined. and i'm praying that the cytology will be enough because from what i've been told, a biopsy will cost over 1000, which is basically all the money i have received thus far on one single exam :|

also, as for how he's holding up, the medicine he's taking made him lose some of his appetite and he's a little down, but the vet said that is to be expected. i'm worried about that, because he was at least behaving normally a week before, and i can't say if it's the medicine or the disease making him act this way.

idk man, it's been pretty hard not just for me but for my family (mother and brother). my late father rescued johnny from the streets almost 10 years ago, when he was already an adult dog. he's been a fixture of our lives for a long time, and he's a pretty lively, loud dog. it's weird to see him like this. so yeah, no matter what happens, i just want what's best for him.

#ask #personal #sorry for such a long answer but i wanted to be thorough #edit: pinned the post for those who want further info on this!!

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sabrinatvband · 9 months

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Looking for Filmmaking Partner

[EDIT: Someone did contact me about this, we wrote around 40% of the story, and then they abruptly quit the project. Leaving this post up for posterity, but I'm no longer looking for a collaborator and you shouldn't expect to ever see anything related to this.]

Hi, I'm trying to make a movie, and I'm looking for a creative partner, preferably another queer person.

[Drawing of a character from the movie I'm doing concept art for]

SKILL STUFF

I guess I should explain what I mean by "creative partner". I myself am a jack of all trades, master of none. My best skill is probably writing; I once co-wrote an erotic novel with someone. I've written many short stories. I've written a lot of non-fiction stuff, mostly film criticism.

[Note: The best stories I've posted on ROM are probably Miss Latrix and Therapy.]

I've done a bunch of filmmaking related things in the past. I once attempted to make a movie with a few friends, and it didn't go very well. I didn't even know what the 180 degree rule was at the time and so the footage didn't edit, and there were a bunch of logistical problems so we didn't get very far.

Most of what I've done, video wise, is porn. I've shot and edited my own oddly ambitious videos before. I've composited in stuff from Blender into my videos. I'm not very good at using Blender but I've dabbled in photogrammetry and I understand, to a certain degree, how to shoot footage in the best way possible for later VFX work.

youtube

I am also a musician. I've recorded a bunch of albums, which can be found on Bandcamp and Itch. I own a lot of audio gear and understand how to do live recording and ADR stuff. [Most of my music is a lot more ambient than this.]

youtube

I also am a decent artist. I know how to draw things in perspective, and putting together a storyboard / previs thing is well within my skillset.

I'm a "generalist", basically, and I'm hoping to find another generalist. Not necissarily someone who can do all of the same things as me, but someone who can do at least a handful of them. I want to be able to bounce ideas back and forth throughout the entire filmmaking process.

STUFF I LIKE (That I Hope You Like as Well)

My favorite directors are probably Brian De Palma, David Lynch, David Cronenberg, and Paul Verhoeven. I love De Palma for his filmmaking chops, but also his black comedy instincts and love of artifice / camp. Femme Fatale, Raising Cain, and Phantom of the Paradise are favorites. I love Cronenberg for his dry and acrid wit; Videodrome is such an incredible black comedy, and Crash is a total masterpiece. I like Verhoeven for how fastidious his work is, but also for his bleak satirical humor. Showgirls, RoboCop, and Starship Troopers are my favorites of his. I basically like all three of these directors for the exact same reasons. And Lynch? Obviously Lynch does camp, and he can be hilarious, but his work is just something else. Mulholland Drive and Fire Walk With Me are possibly the most empathic films ever made.

As I said before, I love camp. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is a personal favorite. Obviously there's Showgirls, which I've already mentioned. Switchblade Sisters is not a movie I love, but I do enjoy how knowingly silly it is. Freeway is kind of like Switchblade Sisters if it was a legitimate masterpiece. Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is essential evil bitch cinema. Other camp favorites include House of Versace, All that Heaven Allows, Romy and Michele, The Wizard of Oz, and Cry Baby.

And here's a list of random movies I love: Bound, Batman Returns, The Hunger, House, Spider-Man 2 (2004), Down With Love, Scream, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, The Craft, They Came Together.

The Movie I Want to Make (That You Hopefully Also Want to Make)

I have not done a lot of work on the movie I'm trying to make. I believe in working basically from scratch with another person, so that's it's a real collaboration where both partners are fully invested. The list of notes I've included below is basically all of the work I've done so far.

The movie would be something of a "Woman's Film" parody / pastiche, mixed with exploitation movie stuff. It's a mix of All That Heaven Allows, Showgirls, Freeway, Heartbreakers, and Breathless [not the French movie; the 2012 Gina Gershon film]. It's about a cougar in a loveless and strained marriage. She has a daughter who's in a girl gang / all-female rock band. They are both, to some degree, rivals.

The daughter and mother live in two different worlds: the daughter’s world of delinquency and punk shit, and the mother’s adult world of keeping up with the joneses, passive aggressive remarks, etc. Adults fear the daughter because they think she’s violent and erratic [correct]. Adults fear the mother because they think she’s a homewrecker [correct].

The mother and daughter have foils. The mother has a rival cougar, who's richer and classier. The rival cougar has a daughter who pretends to be a chaste schoolgirl, but it's obvious to everyone except her mother that she isn't.

The daughter and mother have a tough relationship, and it gets worse when a young mother and her vacuous femboy son move into their cul-de-sac [not a femboy in a conscious way; he has no idea that he's not masculine]. The cougar, the daughter, and their respective rivals all want to sleep with the femboy, who turns into the MacGuffin.

The mother manipulates her daughter and her gang into killing her husband. Lots of bitching ensues. Lots of cunt energy. Etc. None of this is set in stone, but this is the basic premise I've come up with.

The Big Problem

This film would presumably be shot in the US [I lived there most of my life], but I currently live in Portugal. If we started chatting and ended up hitting things off, we could work remotely for a while. If we got to a point where we'd finished all of the pre-production [screenplay, storyboards, previs, probably even casting], I would be able to justify flying over so that we could shoot the movie together. But I can't do anything IRL before we've essentially completed the entire movie on paper, Hitchcock style.

If you live in the UK, Canada, or continental Europe or something and you were on board until I mentioned shooting in the US, you should still contact me and we can maybe work on something else!

Contact

Message me here on tumblr if you're interested in working together. Please include some of your stuff!

#Youtube

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juliapark13 · 1 year

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Something that I will never understand in this fandom is how you all fight tooth and nails to prove that the guys are almost perfect, have exactly 0,1 amount of negative personal traits and will never do anything wrong in their lives (and if they evee done then they learned the lesson, changed their mind 180 degrees). First and foremost, they are people. Ordinary people. Yes, hard working, yes, attractive and charismatic. But still people. Flesh and bones and physical needs. I've been an admirer of them since 2016 and during my obsessed era managed to watch EVERY their content since even before and from their debut. Every, every one of them has negative, unattractive, repulsive traits. I could list it all if needed. The idealization of them is insane. The idealization of them by the shippers is even more so.

Just like the fandom idealizes the guys to the max so do you, shippers, ultimately idealize your ship. Love to death, never seen before strongest love, absolute adoration between them, can never do anything wrong to each other, will never look towards another person, can never hurt each other in any way, intended or not, public image or personal, deep feelings. It's always a projection going on. The entertainment industry is basically built on projection. And the love that you claim jikook have is what YOU created, YOU believe they have. You created something that makes your heart flatter and days brighter and more tolerable and went along with it. Because in all honesty and objectivity you and i will never know what happens behind the scenes. Yes, they do have a great chemistry and a romantic fleur flying around them but, unfortunately, it really doesn't mean much. When 2 romantic, passionate, sensual, naturally flirty people meet each other and become closely acquainted, they just happen to radiate this energy. Speaking from many instances I've seen it in real life.

Could I be wrong? Totally. They could be banging each other and saying lovely words to each other. Could you be wrong? Of course. They could be passionately in love with some noncelebrity and we'd never know it. They could be going around courting someone else. Even if you believe they arE nOt LiKe ThIs, jK wOuLd nEvEr ReLeAsE gCfT jusT fOr tHeM tO bE fRiEnDs, hE'd nEvEr pLaY uS lIkE tHiS, you will never know them personally, you never know what goes in their head. Why you all feel so fucking entitled to their personal life, emotions and feelings? Why do you think you know what's in their head? Just recently A LOT of shippers and armys swore death that Jimin doesn't want solo activity, that he doubtly would do something solo but here we are, 7th of february.

tbh, for quite a long period jikook fandom was my safe zone, im a sucker for romance and a lovesick fool, sue me. Your idea of this couple and romance was just my brand and jikook being soft and caring did things to my poor heart. So i have spent some time going around, silently observing. And you know what? Jikookers are slowly becoming taekookers. Yay to the taekookification of jikookers! Maybe some of you all don't notice it but that's a fact. Theories and assumptions all day long, drama, tragedy and dumbassery. I literally saw postS about jk going here and there to spend time with th and others friends to hide his relationship with jm because they'll be gone to serve in the military soon. That's how bad it's become in some of yalls head.

but anyways, back to idealization. Yeah, you all idealize the shit outta this ship. You think jk and jm could never do anything wrong and bad to each other, do any harm, intentionally or unintentionally. Which erects a question. What is then about the rise of taekookers? I know you all gonna defend jk and th and tell that they are kind, they love jm wholeheartedly, tHeY wOuLd SpIt oN mE/bUrN tO kEeP jm WaRm, it's not their fault taekookers are deranged and unhinged, internet is not reality, jm is okay with it, in reality jm is very loved and nobody would ever try to hurt him, it's not jk and ths fault, they have every right to interact however they wan, what, should brothers/besties not interact anymore at all???? All of aforementioned, every single word would be right if you all said it in 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and even 2020. Those years, you would be absolutely right if you replied to me that jk and th have every right to interact. But guess what, the world and the fandom changes. What simply was a ship war years ago is a serious deal now, with serious consequences that have a high probability to be destructive and damaging. People on the internet are real, they are not something that can be shrugged off. Accounts of twitter and yt are not just pictures with a bot behind them, their posts are not AI-generated bunch of random words, it's their mind, real thoughts. They log out of twittr and go shop for food with these thoughts going in their head, they go to work, interact with othrs, consult, service their clients and still have these thoughts in their head. Do you even know how many times my bts-fan friends had gone to fandom meetings and then told me there were hella lot of shippers and many of them claimed jimin to be a tkk homewrecker? Hint: every single time they went to a fandom meeting. Oftentimes there would be other slurs used against jm.

I know you all dont want to hear it and don't want to even consider it because of idealization but the guys do feed ships, do feed some fandom narratives, do some controversial things. And yes, recent taekook live is one of them, either people wanr to admit it or not. Even jikook had some moments to intentionally stirr up the crowd (the famous jimin sitting on jks laps on a concert moment). They are entertainers in the first place. It's their job to keep an audience engaged. But that's okay, that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is that you all fight tooth and nails to defend jikook. It's weird how you all claim jk to be a genius, an overly intelligent person (and i believe he probably is), smart and grown up man but turn a blind eye to the fact that his certain desicions do harm jimin's image and potentially his well-being. Jk has greatly graduated with a degree in media. I do believe he's a gentle soul and probably has a nice and kind personality, and is quite smart and creative. But he does involve himself in an activity that does nothing but feed the harmful type of delusion, the one that a potential to become dangerous for the person he claims to be someone he's close to. I myself am getting a degree in a field that involves media, mediaplay and pr and let me tell you, masses are quite easily moved, the mass narrative is changable and flexible. Celebrity like bts have a huge power over people and their minds. They literally can integrate any narrative they want and it wil be successfully integrated, soon or later. Jk literally has an almost flawless image and brand power. He is potentially able to say whatever he wants and people will be on his side. If he wanted, he could end shipping, soon or later, eventhougg there still will be a small percent or highly radicalized shippers. Again, any mass narrative is movable and changeable, ANY.

So here we have, a highly respected artist, with a great public image and brand power, who's claimed to be very smart, intelligent, who graduated with honors with a degree in media. This certain artist has a part in his fandom of people who spend their days and nights to make up theories. These part of the fandom keeps on trying to ruin the artist's bandmate's (close friend/brother/lover/whatever you consider them) image and brand (either you want it or not but public/brand image is important in the industry), and potentially has quite a high probability to be harmful to that bandmate's well-being. The artist doesn't adress the problem, the artist keeps getting himself involved in that deranged part of his fandom, thanks to the artists' decision makings the deranged part keeps thriving on, getting bolder and more vile.

Like, I'm not asking jk or th to say he has a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner, it's their personal life, for god's sake, nobody should ever have word in it. But god, it's not hard to openly and straightforwardly reply to one of the millions' of deranged comments and say that you are not romantically involved with any of your bandmates (which would start an anti-shipping movement in your fandom). There would be left a small percent of the most radical deranged breed, the proccess of purification would probably go slowly, but when an artist is stubborn and he really tries to change a narrative, he would eventually get what he wants.

It's not hard to say that you don't want to be shipped with someone, it's not hard to say that you are not in a relationship with your bandmates. I know, there will be people saying he doesn't have to do it, it's not their fault and he has nothing to do with shipping but man, taekookers have gone too far, have become too bold and harmful. You can't keep your silence forever when you are the center of this fucked up delusional harmful created love triangle and your words are valued by both sides. Can't keep silence at least from the ethical standpoint. Like, dude, your bandmate is literally being targetted here and there, how is it okay?

What a long essay. 😄

Do I think they are perfect? No.

Do I think they’ve never had any fight or difficult time? No. They definitely had.

I still think their relationship is extraordinary and their love is something else, because it’s obvious even from the small fraction of their lives we were able to see. I don’t wish for them to be more than friends. I see what they are trying to show us and I don’t ignore it.

BTS members don’t see everything we see. They know about the hate, but they don’t have to know about the amount and level of toxicity. We don’t know how much of this toxicity they’ve seen. They aren’t invested in it like we are. Like you said we don’t know what’s going on behind the closed door.

You should finally get the fact Jungkook isn’t responsible for that. Try to imagine yourself in his place. Would you calculate all your actions and words? He literally doesn’t have to come online and say ‘Me and V are only friends, get over it finally.’ If you hate him because you think he is obliged to do that, you are toxic. Who are you to judge him anyway? You aren’t one of the most famous people in the world. You have totally different life. You can’t even imagine how different everything is for them.

Just we would never agree on this. It’s not worthy for me to continue.

And don’t ever compare jkkrs to tkkrs. The difference is incomparable.

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fizzingwizard · 11 months

Text

rambly, bit warning for mention of death and stuff

I used to be really into action/adventure stories, scifi, fantasy, thrillers... Although I always preferred stories that focused on characters more than plot, a story with an intriguing plot with a satisfying (or satisfyingly unsatisfying) outcome was always the most memorable.

I heard about iyashikei many years ago and remember being flummoxed. It's a story-telling style in Japan which is just about peaceful scenes, comfort, and feeling relaxed. It didn't seem interesting to me at all. I thought of that style as the Thomas Kinkade of literature/movies. I loved Ghibli films, but I never thought they fit that style, or fit it only in part.

My gosh, how I've changed in just the last five years. When I met my boyfriend, we bonded over X-men and Star Trek and recommended adventure novels to each other. Now he's still into all that, but I've moved away. It's not that I don't like those things anymore. I just don't get whatever it was I used to get from them. I don't want to watch new Star Trek shows. I don't want to read new adventures novels. Just the thought is exhausting to me. A fantasy novel hits the bestseller list, and instead of running out to buy it, I go, "Not another dystopia."

And I've totally embraced that iyashikei story. I want to live in it. It's true I still don't like things that are always perfect peace and harmony - but most of the stories I've encountered in this genre aren't. They're just gentler, slower moving, and dedicated to their aesthetic.

Basically my interests have done a 180 and I'm kind of in shock over it. It's really hampered me in some ways, because of course, I always dreamed of being like NK Jemisin and having my own awesome adventure series out one day. In the space of a few short years I lost all interest in doing something like that, although I still want to write. I just want to write things most people wouldn't want to read, lol.

So I'm trying to pinpoint when and why the change. When I started reading the Moomin novels a few years ago, even though I was a full-grown adult, I was completely drawn in. It's tough to explain, something to do with the atmosphere and philosophy. Moomins fits really well in with iyashikei. It's not too cutesy or too sweet to put me off - it's whimsical and fun and adventurous, but also calm and reassuring and wise. Every reread tells me something different. I don't think Tove Jansson and I are very much alike, but she makes me wish "heartful" was a word, because it seems to apply to her stories much better than thoughtful.

But why did I fall in love with Moomins so hard? As much as I'd like to think the stories would have the same effect on anyone, more likely it's because of my headspace when I found them. I was in a new job, just past the point of struggling and starting to find my feet, but still feeling unsure about it. I was in a new relationship. I was having a lot of family issues. And I was really unhappy about the world in general. I think my own head was just so full of stress and helplessness, and I really wanted permission to feel happy. Moomins gave me that. Those books swept in and reminded me how insignificant I am, and how significant that insignificance is. They reminded me what "tolerance" should look like - not the tolerance that made me hate the term, but hospitality and true loving your neighbor. It made me feel okay with being a basketcase yet loving storms (I relate way, way too much to the Fillyjonk in the Disaster story). And I loved the harshness and the great love and the wonder in the story of the little whomper who wishes his baby brother away. Honestly, Tales is such a great book. I was just like Moominpappa in trying to understand the incomprehensible sea. On my first read of November, I thought it was such a sad story. But on each progressive reread, the book becomes full of light. The family which can't connect with each other needs to find what each member needs to feel free in themself before they can fix the connection. And they need to face what they can't have, because it's out of their control.

I'm just rambling about Moomins now lol. The point is that I came across the Moomins right when I needed them, or something just like them. I felt so lost and alone but was determined to tough it out by myself. Although I've always been someone who loves solitude, I didn't really have it in me to be alone and heartbroken. Reading the books gave me some strength. I felt like my childhood had been a lie, and that nobody cared about that but me. And I felt that my life spent biting my tongue and not saying what I think was going to be my future too. And I don't know, Moomins didn't fix anything, I still have all those problems, but I guess I feel less alone with them. Like here are these people just living their lives being judged but not judging back. They don't bite their tongue, but they still don't talk because it's much better to do what you want than waste your breath. And knowing Tove wrote it all while being very human and mercurial herself is all the permission I need to love and believe in the stories despite my own weaknesses.

And I still don't feel like going back to action/adventure stories. That's what's most surprising. I'm going to see the new Spiderman movie this weekend. But aside from now and then stuff like that, I'm just not moved by thrills and high action. Maybe someday that will change - I thought it would - I thought I would have reverted years ago. But it still just sounds exhausting to me. The world is so much, I just want a small corner where no one will bother me. The other day I had a vision of myself lying in a patch of soft clover like I loved doing as a kid, and a stranger came up an stabbed me. My boyfriend ran over and called an ambulance, but I told him that if they said it was a fatal wound, then they should leave me because I'd rather die in the clover than at the hospital. It was very odd to think about, but the thought of dying in the hospital just made me so sad. More than the thought of dying itself.

Although it's morbid, I think that well expresses how I've been feeling these past years. It's not like I'm unhappy. I'm doing pretty well and mostly cheerful. But even when I was a kid I tended to think about sad things in a friendlier way than I think certain other people do. It's natural to end up a loner, because no one really wants to talk about that stuff with you. It's why I always say I'm no good at small talk. And I like thinking about the universe and spirituality and philosophy. I don't like politics or other stupidity. And I've felt my ability to do the former is very threatened by goings on in the latter. And lately my fear is that I'll find peace through resignation: okay, these people are never going to respect me for this or that reason, so I'm just going to let them not respect me and keep my thoughts to myself, because at least they'll still be mine. That's true in a sense but it's not good. It's not good because this is my one and only life, and it's fucking stupid that some people think they should decide for me what I am capable of because I'm a woman. Or any of the other myriad specious "reasons" bigots come up with so that they don't have to feel afraid.

tl;dr I just am so done with the world and want to go frolic with the Moomins, lol.

#fizz's life #long and rambly

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slow-button-off · 2 years

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Re your last post, I've always had some very inarticulate thoughts wrt to charles and the way he's viewed by most f1 fans and I can't really put it into words properly, but you've touched on it in your post. Basically, I think some people (mainly men) see him as being "more feminine" mainly because of his (1) looks which they find attractive but can't wrap their heads around it, (2) he doesn't display typical "alpha male sportsman" behavior like some other drivers - he hardly ever says anything controversial or shady about any of the other teams or drivers, he doesn't often talk about his own abilities in the way say Max or Alonso does. He wears his heart on his sleeve and you can read his feelings pretty easily, he has this general vibe of kindness and he'll freely say nice things about the other drivers which doesn't fit the "masculine" vibe that sportsmen are supposed to give. And (3) he has quite a large female fan base compared to some of the other popular drivers which obviously has nothing to do with his ability on track or his personality but just because all the girls think he's hot (/s).

I've always thought that this is why people sometimes don't take him too seriously and underrate him. They view him as not being very smart (see the neverending strategy "debate"), not being aggressive enough (oh, how times have changed) but when he has shown aggression its labeled as recklessness even when he does some of the same moves max does (like Max's moves are calculated and charles' were accidental) and like he doesn't deserve the praise he gets and that people who do rate him highly are only doing so because they want to fuck him. I don't know, this is just some rambling, but I've always thought there's a bit of underlying misogyny in the way charles and female fans of charles are viewed in this fandom and it became much more apparent when sainz (a proper "manly man" according to men) joined Ferrari.

There are also people that just don't like him and where it's not that deep.

But there is definitely something to him not being totally taken seriously.

I honestly find the whole 180 to almost 360 that Charles perception has done during his time in F1 absolutely fascinating. From too humble and kind to too aggressive and arrogant back to too kind.

But it's so interesting because most drivers pander to the female audience. Lewis with his dick forward outfits and thirst traps. And even Bottas with his Sauna and bum content (but men can't wrap their heads around how on earth that is attractive so women so that one flies over their heads). And it doesn't make them any less manly.

Lando and his fan base also get a lot of misogyny thrown at them but it looks to me like that one is more based on shitting on fans for liking him for streaming on twitch and being funny and attractive. And with Charles it's purely the you find him attractive and that's all it is.

with respect to the kindness thing I always find the supposed juxtaposition of Charles and Max fascinating.

Both are similarly aggressive on track but with Charles that get's overlooked/forgotten because he comes across as super kind and humble off track. But that makes people think he lacks "killer instinct" or aggression.

And with Max that aggression on track tints how he is viewed off track where people can't wrap their heads around the fact that he is also kind and nice. And people think he lacks empathy and is shitty to everyone.

#📨

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tojikai · 2 years

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Hey kai

How are you?????

Hope ur doing good

Me currently I'm depressed

As I've told u b4 the exam that I'll be giving on 17th of this month is a really big exam, it'll determine my future, but this year the system was soooo unjust. Usually for exam we get proper 12 months bcs in this exam 11th and 12th grade physics chem and biology come combined and the question paper has a total of 200 questions out of which we have to answer 180 to score full marks (720) in 3 hrs.

U see bcs of corona, unlike other countries, our schooling went downhill

And me being so unlucky, i was in the unluckiest school batches of all, the batch of 2021😭

12th finals got canceled, schooling was also not done properly (and in our country 10th, 12th and then entrance exams literally decide our career)

So, for this entrance exam, most people of my batch from the whole country took a drop (we also gave the entrance exam the same year we 'passed' 12th but since we lacked even the basic knowledge bcs srsly no classes were taken properly during online school, it went really bad)

Now there is, or should i say WAS, an age limit of 25 for general catagory (like its complicated here, there's general catagory which get no benefit and then like sc and st and ews which are protected tribes and castes who dont even have taxes to pay and are literally immune to everything, plus their cutoff for exam is also low AND THEY ALSO HAVE 80% RESERVED SEATS IN ALL COLLEGES....I'm general🥲)

But this year even that was removed(age limit)....so now anyone can give exam...and lets say there are only 10000 seats for us(generals, which btw the others can also get, the 10k seats are just unreserved seats but since their cuttoff is low they can get the seat there....lol) in this exam right? There are 180000+ candidates this year...🥲

U see how unlucky I am?

Now the exam due to corona last year had late counseling rounds which lasted up to april of this year (it decides which college we get) and we gave exam on september, which was also bcs of corona hence late exam

Then....this month we have our exam which barely gave us 9 months to prepare all over again.....we begged the exam conducting body to postpone...they didn't....and if u see the situation the country is in rn (like there are literal floods, landslides and everything going on rn in 24/29 states here) they still wont postpone.....

Idk if u read this

In short I'm very depressed

Students even filed a case in HC but they just ridiculed us and the case was dismissed within 1hr........

Btw i love ur stories 🥲🙂💕

Stay safe and hydrated 👋

I'll be back reading ur stuff after julys over i gues.....bcs I'll be sulking in my room till the 30th....

Bye2🥲👋

hiii, im doing good thank you so much !! but hey, im sorry about that situation. like.. that's unfair for the learners. every aspect of it; the quality of education, the allocation of slots and the time to prepare is a bit unfair to you guys. i mean with the way the education system is going right now, the students made a lot of adjustments for the new methods of the government and different educational institutions, i think it's only fair for them to adjust these factors related to the exams too. that's really sad, cause students are always on the receiving end of the problems, may it be about an issue with the allotted time to review or the slots to be given, students always get the shorter end of the stick bc those in position refuse to adjust :(( im not really familiar with how your education system works but i get why you feel so down. things concerning our future can cause great stress bc it feels like everything depends on it and it probably does, but it's gonna be fine, you're gonna be fine, nonnie !! i hope you feel better soon and i wish you luck on everything !! <33

#🍭—kaitalks

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azrelyn · 3 months

Text

Cat Appreciation Post

I adopted a mama cat and her four kittens in 2023. I have had cats and dogs my whole life, I fostered for my local humane society for four years, and I only work weekends but taking care of those cats still kicked my butt. I loved it though, and I wanted to share a bit about the cats.

The mom is Pirate, and the kittens are (left to right) Vincent, Polly, Cleo, and Jas.

They were strays living at my friend's friends house, and the owners of the house needed the cats gone and were planning on calling animal control. The shelters in my area are completely full, and I know that strays here aren't treated great and they would most likely be put to sleep. I had fostered four litters before this, so I offered to take them back to my place. I moved the furniture out of my guest room and filled it with blankets and cat beds. I had two litter boxes and two cat towers in the room.

Pirate was crazy reactive at first. I had to wear my denim jacket and thick pants going into their room because she would freak out sometimes and attack whoever opened the door. Her left eye was swollen almost shut, which I later learned was due to an untreated eye infection when she was younger. She was very malnourished, her fur was rough and patchy, and she couldn't eat much at first. Once she got used to the routine and used to me coming in and out and realized that I always brought food or treats with me she calmed down, but she still kept herself removed from me. I was totally fine with this, she still took great care of her kittens and was generally a great cat, just not into people (same here so I can't judge her).

Vincent and Jas were the Siamese cats. Beautiful kittens, bright blue eyes, pure white fur. Vincent was the only boy and he took his role to heart. He would go crazy flipping over beds and hiding in blankets. Jas was the complete opposite. The only time I saw her get excited about anything was when I brought them a leftover rotisserie chicken carcass as a treat, and even then it was a very mild excitement. But she was a sweetheart, and she loved getting scratches.

Cleo was the big sister of the group. She was almost her mom's size within a month of her coming to my house, and she always wanted to be playing or exploring. Whenever the other cats would go to sleep, she would make sure she was sleeping higher up than everyone else so she could pounce if she decided to. Crazy cat, I loved her but she drove me insane.

Polly was the runt of the litter. Tiny little fluffball. She was very calm until she saw anything string shaped, at which point she would go insane trying to catch it. Her favourite toy was a string with feathers tied onto it that I took from the bottom of a dreamcatcher. She ate like crazy but never grew.

My humane society has a program where they will spay your mama cat and give her a full vet checkup. They will also do this for any kittens and then adopt them out. I had the kittens for about three months, until I got all of their health under control and they were fully housetrained and ready to be adopted, and then I contacted the humane society. I kept Pirate and Polly (I'm a sucker for a fuzz ball), but all five cats got spayed/neutered and got complete checkups. Cleo, Vincent, and Jas got adopted out. Vincent and Jas went together to the same home, and Cleo got adopted by a family with three kids.

It's been about six months now since I adopted out the others. Pirate ended up calming down after the kittens left, and she has done a complete 180. She is the cuddliest cat I've ever met, constantly asking for attention. Her favourite thing to do is watch Cat TV videos on YouTube, basically videos of birds and squirrels, and she will sit for hours watching it. She loves food now and actually asks for it when she's hungry, which is a serious improvement. She's fat and happy, although her eye is still shut.

Polly has grown into her fur finally, but she's still a little rascal. She's always racing around the house and trying to get her mom to chase her. She comes in the car with us a lot, and she absolutely loves it. She likes to sit up on the headrest and watch all the cars go by on the road. She and my dog Maddie have become best friends, they're always hanging out. She stuffs her face with food every chance she gets and is really bad about using the litter box but she is still a great cat, and so far improved from the timid little kitten that she was.

Now, while I love my cats and I love this experience, IT IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. You may think you would love this, taking care of a bunch of adorable animals, and I'm not saying you won't. But you need to think it through. It's a lot of having to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. Your house will smell like cats, you will have almost no extra money because of food and litter and vet bills. If you do want to try it out, I recommend going through your local humane society and fostering. They are almost always looking for fosters, and they supply food and blankets and everything you need. I already had most of the supplies I needed from previous cats, so my initial cost wasn't very high, but if you suddenly adopt a litter off the street you will need blankets, bowls, bottles, litter boxes, beds, puppy pads, litter, toys, medications, and probably a whole host of other stuff I'm forgetting. Go through your humane society, they will help you out with all of that.

Here's some extra kitten pictures, because that's the important thing really.

#cat #kitty #kitten

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thomsong93 · 6 months

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Living or just dying?

2023 proved to be one for my worst years for mental health. I did hope that turning 30 this year would inspire me to live life to the fullest, now that my youth is going to start disappearing.

It's now the end of the year and all I experienced was constant pain. And I'm still trying to figure out why.

I did this thing again, where I search for happiness. Or I suppose you could also call it 'trying new things' but basically as usual, I was unhappy with the status quo.

I did a vocational course which proved to be difficult and taxing. Perhaps it was what I needed to see that I'm not doing so well. Very quickly, I just deteriorated. Though I'm unsure how much of this deterioration was situational.

I wanted

... to change my antidepressant, as I began to feel more conflict within. This was a risky thing to do when I was already struggling. Quitting an antidepressant is difficult enough. Now I'm on a new one and it's hard to tell if it's working. I need to endure another month or two before I make a decision. And I use the word endure because that's what every waking minute as been like.

I'm almost finished with the course, almost done with the year and hopefully get to visit my family soon.

But this year has felt like more than just total burnout. It's felt like a year of the worst depression I've ever experienced. I feel like I realised something and my mind is having trouble coming to terms with it.

I realised

I lost hope of one day becoming somebody. Of talent. It was always a dream. Not necessarily famous but leaving a mark in someway. Through music or acting. I gave up on music long ago. I lost that talent. And I've lost my confidence with acting. And I'm starting to lose my self worth.

I've realised that I can't be happy chasing a dream because I'll forever move the goal posts. And now I'm left thinking 'now what do I do?'. I began to self harm again, I needed to keep a 'worthiness diary' because suicidal thoughts were daily and at times my partner held me as I fell apart in his arms.

I think I'm struggling to be okay with being nothing. And I want so badly to be okay with just nothing. I came from nothing and I'll go back to nothing. Nothing is just nothing and it shouldn't be scary. I want to do a full 180 and focus on 'nothing' over something.

But it feels impossible to do this safely, without seeing the logic of suicide. I don't feel joy with nothing. Maybe contentment. Maybe relief. But there is no joy.

So here I am.

Alive. But not living. And I can actually feel my brain and my heart dying. My brain seems to not be sharp anymore. I'm slow, stupid and losing my memory. And my heart has this constant pain, it is a physical pain stemming from an emotional pain. And there's not much of my heart left.

I am leaning more towards suicide as an option every day and feel anger that it is unacceptable. I want nothing more than some way for this pain to end.

I am weak. The weak perish and that's life. I can't survive on my own.

So what now?

I can't die. I have to live.

So I must find a new medication, therapy or way to feel joy again. That's all I know. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless.

This all feels true, I don't care if it is or isn't in actuality. I should at least be allowed to admit what feels true to me.

I don't know how I'll recover from this.

I don't know how long it will take. Or if a full recovery will even happen. If I'm making a mistake not cutting things short.

For now, I'm in limbo trying to count my blessings.

Trying to make sense of all that does not make sense. Trying to see fairness in all that isn't fair. Trying to find myself when I'm lost.

Trying to live while I'm dying.

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iuscogens5 · 1 year

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You have to Know About Law Class

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420technoblazeit · 2 years

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ok so I've been playing genshin since release, if you're trying to get 44 pulls that's 7040 primos which seems like a lot, but it is doable. Here's a handy check list for some of the more lucrative ways in my experience.

First of all, assuming you do your commissions every day, you already have about 450 primos from that, so really your target number is about 6590.

Spiral abyss- even if it's just doing the stuff before floor 9 and doing as much as you can of floors 9-12. Remember it doesn't have to be perfect, your goal is just to get things

Teapot- teapot my beloved. So aside from leveling up the tea pot for the primos by crafting stuff, each character you have (idk how many or which ones) has one or two decoration sets they love which will give you 20 primos, some Mora, and their level up books. If you have a lot of characters this is probably one of the better ways if you haven't done it already. Look up "genshin teapot gift guide" or the like to see what sets each character is associated with.

Exploring- so Inazuma and enkanomiya are the only areas where every chest is guaranteed to give you primos, and they might not be a lot but they stack up quickly. Idk your exploration levels but basically if you need to explore places, forget Liyue and Mondstat unless it's for the oculi and just focus inazuma

Achievements- there are so many achievements that have three stages and give you a total of 35 primos throughout, try and focus those and do the ones that you think are easiest.

Quests- might seem obvious, but Hangouts and story quests stack up so very quickly.

Current event- this current event gives you about 30 primos every day and assuming you've already done it for today, you have 180 more primos to get.

Also, just use your wishes and if you get enough of the fancy stardust from pulling 4 stars, unless you really need a character in the shop, buy the pink fates. Technically, it is very possible to get banner 5 star before hard pity (I got hu tao at like 20 awhile back) so I guess just keep your fingers crossed, but most of these ways should help you a little if you haven't already done them. Same if you have blue wishes,(also try and level up characters for those) just use them and hope you get the fancy stardust.

Apologies for the long and weird format, good luck pulling!

holy SHIT ok thansk dude ill b sure to do those. fuckign. thanks bestie

#420 squeals #long post #genshin impact

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