thomsong93

[thomsong93]

15.12.2023

I think I actually hate life...

From a young age, any form of suffering didn't make sense to me.

As an adult, I struggle to try to love life.

We work at least 70% of our lives with the goal posts moving all the time. Like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up that mountain.

During this time, we suffer mental health problems that make it even harder for us to love life.

Then we lose or have to face losing anything or anyone that gives us happiness. Because nothing lasts forever in this short life.

So we are forced to try to make the most of it.

And spend as much time with loved ones as possible. Even though you're exhausted and never at your best.

And we're supposed to try to love life?

I wonder if it's really depression saying this or me.

The worst part is I'm afraid to die. Afraid to lose anything good I've experienced.

Life would make more sense if I had the choice or gave myself the choice to live or die.

It is expected to choose to live.

It is not expected or accepted to choose to die.

So I have to try to love life. But I don't.

Suffering makes no sense to me.

[thomsong93]

Living or just dying?

2023 proved to be one for my worst years for mental health. I did hope that turning 30 this year would inspire me to live life to the fullest, now that my youth is going to start disappearing.

It's now the end of the year and all I experienced was constant pain. And I'm still trying to figure out why.

I did this thing again, where I search for happiness. Or I suppose you could also call it 'trying new things' but basically as usual, I was unhappy with the status quo.

I did a vocational course which proved to be difficult and taxing. Perhaps it was what I needed to see that I'm not doing so well. Very quickly, I just deteriorated. Though I'm unsure how much of this deterioration was situational.

I wanted

... to change my antidepressant, as I began to feel more conflict within. This was a risky thing to do when I was already struggling. Quitting an antidepressant is difficult enough. Now I'm on a new one and it's hard to tell if it's working. I need to endure another month or two before I make a decision. And I use the word endure because that's what every waking minute as been like.

I'm almost finished with the course, almost done with the year and hopefully get to visit my family soon.

But this year has felt like more than just total burnout. It's felt like a year of the worst depression I've ever experienced. I feel like I realised something and my mind is having trouble coming to terms with it.

I realised

I lost hope of one day becoming somebody. Of talent. It was always a dream. Not necessarily famous but leaving a mark in someway. Through music or acting. I gave up on music long ago. I lost that talent. And I've lost my confidence with acting. And I'm starting to lose my self worth.

I've realised that I can't be happy chasing a dream because I'll forever move the goal posts. And now I'm left thinking 'now what do I do?'. I began to self harm again, I needed to keep a 'worthiness diary' because suicidal thoughts were daily and at times my partner held me as I fell apart in his arms.

I think I'm struggling to be okay with being nothing. And I want so badly to be okay with just nothing. I came from nothing and I'll go back to nothing. Nothing is just nothing and it shouldn't be scary. I want to do a full 180 and focus on 'nothing' over something.

But it feels impossible to do this safely, without seeing the logic of suicide. I don't feel joy with nothing. Maybe contentment. Maybe relief. But there is no joy.

So here I am.

Alive. But not living. And I can actually feel my brain and my heart dying. My brain seems to not be sharp anymore. I'm slow, stupid and losing my memory. And my heart has this constant pain, it is a physical pain stemming from an emotional pain. And there's not much of my heart left.

I am leaning more towards suicide as an option every day and feel anger that it is unacceptable. I want nothing more than some way for this pain to end.

I am weak. The weak perish and that's life. I can't survive on my own.

So what now?

I can't die. I have to live.

So I must find a new medication, therapy or way to feel joy again. That's all I know. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless.

This all feels true, I don't care if it is or isn't in actuality. I should at least be allowed to admit what feels true to me.

I don't know how I'll recover from this.

I don't know how long it will take. Or if a full recovery will even happen. If I'm making a mistake not cutting things short.

For now, I'm in limbo trying to count my blessings.

Trying to make sense of all that does not make sense. Trying to see fairness in all that isn't fair. Trying to find myself when I'm lost.

Trying to live while I'm dying.

[thomsong93]

Add something if you'd like

Very well.

Hello Tumblr, it's been a while. Why do I even have an account? I should just delete you.

Why can't I write this in a diary?

Is it because I have a glimmer of hope left that anything I write online may someday be read by anyone at all? Oh yes, absolutely.

One of my biggest nightmares is people not wanting to hear me. I dream of trying to express my emotions to people I love. And they don't want to listen.

And I'd have to see a psychologist to figure out why this terrifies the shit out of me. It might be the dreadful standard I hold. If no one receives me, I can not exist. To express and be heard, why does this feel like a meaningful life to me?

When I was young, I had very little in the way of friendships and family support. How did I cope? I don't remember. At what point did I learn to interact socially and raise the bar? At what point did I stop absorbing the world and people. When did I stop listening? And turned into this introspective, socially greedy person?

I want to be noticed when I have something to say. Is this greedy? Is it understandable?

Social media is this brilliant example of how I feel. I post something I think is very me. Or I just want to make people laugh. And nothing, not one like. Anyone out there? Preferably those I love?

Why is it, when I post something I'm excited about in the girls chat - no one replies? I just saw my last 5 messages received no comment. I don't even message a lot. No one interested at all?

How come people love to talk over top of me at a social gathering? Am I too slow at telling a story?

And then there's times where I think "No... I won't go to that party" and then it's "Where's Jo? I wanted her to be here"

But I literally do not understand. If anyone actually wants me around, why don't I feel heard? I assume the problem is obviously with me. I'm selfish, I have to be. To think that interactions have to be 'my' ideal way, for me to get any value from it.

Value? Why this? Am I a narcissist like my uncle?

Every time I put my foot down and make myself heard... it still isn't enough. I have this gut feeling I am not outwardly accepted by my loved ones. I am amusing, kind and a good friend perhaps. But truly appreciated, this I do not feel. And if it's just a broken wire in my brain, I want it fixed. I would very much like to feel heard the way I need to be.

This is where I often feel I should go silent. Not put out anything if I can't receive. To learn to function this way. Like when I was a kid. If I am not putting out anything, then only this is the reason I won't receive. Nothing to ponder, nothing further to dislike about myself. Nothing more to try.

But I don't like where that could lead. If you isolate yourself, surely you're going to become more prone to self harm and suicidal ideation. Like when I was a kid.

Though I guess you need breaks after so many fails. At times I want to take the phone off the hook. It is sometimes because I want to be found. It is still hope.

But. Every passing year. The same old patterns, over and over again.

I am starting to appreciate what hope I still have for myself. I fear the day it's all dried up.

What will happen to me then? And if the worst happened. Could have it been the right thing all along for me? Will I finally be at peace? That I know is a yes. That's for sure. Nothing is nothing and this is true peace.

Meanwhile. I want to wrap myself in my invisibility cloak. The survival skill I had as a kid. If you aren't seen, you can't get hurt. This was smart.

It is okay for me to rest from the pain.

[thomsong93]

I did those things! Bye 2021. Will see how acting education goes in 2022. Resolution: Treat body better and get better body. It's the only one I got 🧡 https://www.instagram.com/p/CYJl198PMsGVY7agsVTXsSTRzOr12CdZCG2f9k0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[thomsong93]

Depressed ?

If my partner believed I had any mental health issue, it would be hypochondria for sure. He needs to check over my shoulder to make sure I'm not indulging in 21st century quackery such as WebMd.

My obsession with knowing exactly what hurts, irritates or upsets my body or mind makes me physically and mentally sicker than I actually was.

Panic attacks over something that doesn't feel right and lots of tears being scared I cannot diagnose myself with a condition.

Well, lately it's been a little fatigue and depression. I know that and so do my friends. But I convinced myself tonight I had Bipolar and my partner had to explain why that was not true.

I'm writing it down now. Depression? But with a question mark. Because it isn't always recognisable to me. And if it is depression, it was so sneaky that I hardly noticed until I found myself wanting to stay indoors/avoid people/indulge/escape/cry/nap every day. Not typical depressed symptoms, more likely fatigue. But the sadness has just been scarily non-stop.

I thought of Bipolar because I went manic in June overloading my plate. Job hunting, doing online courses, taking physical classes and usually more than one. Shortly after I went on another spending spree where I bought so many things that I didn't remember ordering. I wanted to keep busy and keep life MOVING. Now I've crashed into an intense depressed state.

But Bipolar is a bit more than that, plus my medications seem to be correctly treating me. If I'm not broken in that way, I guess I better not try to fix it. As if I could buy mood stabilisers off the internet so easily.

My doctor and psychologist take good care of me. But I wish someone would say "You have X" instead leaving me to guess.

My partner feels I shouldn't care to guess, it exacerbates negative feelings.

I wish I could see the world as he can or have a fresh, healthy self esteem.

I dare not have children as I do fear I would only pass on my dodgy brain wiring. I don't want any child to have their own cruel voice tell them they're the reason why they're sad. That it's their fault.

It is a weird and horrible brain quirk I have, I just can't stop zoning in on my faults in life. And it hurts, hurts, hurts.

Being alive is this blessing and yet scary state I cannot get my head around.

And death is where all my fear sits and yet is the only way to shut down.

If anyone reads this, please no courtesy RU OK messages. I got help in my corner.

Just needed to lay it all down here. On Tumblr, where shit belongs.

Pause for applause..

I love my friends, family, job and my life. Naturally this is what keeps all that darkness at bay and makes me brave. I get through these strange emotions eventually.

Until next time xx

J

[thomsong93]

[thomsong93]

My second last treatment of the day, our Deluxe pedicure 💓 Friday nearly done 👍 https://www.instagram.com/p/CUMoAxTJKIzNQRRroZrM2p_uW-uftRa8HPwvTo0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[thomsong93]

What is skincare to me now?

Oh hey, it's been a while!

I tried having a blog and haven't put in any effort, clearly. Thought I'd check in with myself at 4.00am and update this online diary of sorts.

2021 brought a new pace in my life

I began acting classes and currently juggling 3 of them. I did two medical TAFE courses in my spare time. I got a second job to give my spa work a break.

All this combined has given me very little time left over for self care, social life and SKIN CARE (more importantly!)

Oddly enough, with all this neglect with my skin... I'm finding it to be clearer and healthier than ever.

So what has changed?

Well for one thing, I finish work late now (8pm or so), which gives me time for toast and a makeup wipe before I hit the hay.

I would have thought I'd see some damage, as I haven't even followed this up with a moisturiser.

But once my makeup has been removed, I noticed it only took less than 20 minutes for my skin to self hydrate naturally. The sebum glands just activate and then its soft, glowy skin again.

It isn't quite hydrated enough though before heading to bed but I applaud how amazing this organ is.

I can be lazy without too much damage it seems.

Though if I don't begin to follow up with moisturisers soon, I may see them wrinkles in my thirties.

My makeup routine has been more detailed than ever and applied in 30 minutes each morning.

Step one - Fill brows.

Step two - Eyes (Shadow & mascara)

Step three - Tinted moisturiser

Step four - Bronzer & blush

Step five - Translucent powder

The biggest difference has been using tinted moisturisers which I used to hate. For years I've opted for a mineral foundation, for a better coverage and matte finish.

But with my skin looking clearer (god knows why), I feel brave enough to have a light cream coverage. Some of the tinted moisturisers also have SPF unlike the mineral powders.

I feel what also helps tremendously is washing and sterilising makeup brushes/sponges after every single use. I've done this religiously for a few years now and said goodbye to cosmetic acne.

In general, I'm using beauty blenders less and grabbing brushes more which are easier to clean. I'll grab a pack of beauty blenders now and again for once off uses.

I am really enjoying a complete, full makeup routine without it looking like too much or ruining my skin.

When I do have time now for skin care, it's such a treat and my skin will retain the goodness for days. I am cleansing, scrubbing and touching my face less... so when I do, it seems to benefit more from the ingredients that nourish.

I'll now use a cleanser only 3 times weekly and exfoliate only once a week. I am seeing results in my skins natural barrier being strengthened.

In some ways less is more but I still agree hydration at night time is essential. I need to stop being lazy there.

Well that's all from me about nuffin at all!

Until next time blog.

Xx

[thomsong93]

* May upset some people * I haven't been moved by a film for a while and I wouldn't have guessed this psychological thriller would have me crying. It hit home regarding obsession with unhealthy methods of regaining control. Literally in order growing up I discovered biting my hand, hitting my head, chewing my nails, pulling my hair, picking my skin, cutting my skin and bruising my skin. It had to be external, not internal like this film. I needed to see a visual accomplishment and then patch it up which was so soothing to me. I still do it at least once a year and I can't help it. My psychologist has helped me so much in the last 3 years and I feel more in control of myself than ever before. These kinds of movies are brave and challenging for actors/directors/viewers alike. Definitely worth watching but some scenes are quite disturbing xx Remember to love and care for yourself each day, everyone 🧡 https://www.instagram.com/p/CT7G8t7pJ6DgycuwSEVQgLqvOEZNsj9V77wxls0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[thomsong93]

Nobody move. Especially me. I spent days making this living room fabulous. Though anyone who has ever lived with me knows I'm the problem, not the solution. Still. Let's admire my hard work 👍 https://www.instagram.com/p/CTp46CRh8wfh8__1AbiWd0-1sj0K3f0DbIEpNY0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[thomsong93]

Mures upper deck bathroom has the best hand lotion I've ever experienced. Smells amazing enough for me to want to use a hand lotion regularly. And absorbs properly, no greasy residue. I think I need this. https://www.instagram.com/p/CTKLBNFpOMzXVa7yFsF_MOh7fZlsBDfDLTvrZA0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[thomsong93]

I am so lucky to be in an amazing class (now a cast!) of React students - First night of rehearsals. I left the house in tears with the lowest self esteem possible. Heading home happy 🙂 I unintentionally made my classmates laugh when I tried a character completely opposite to myself. It was lots of fun tonight and everyone in this class makes my day 🖤 https://www.instagram.com/p/COfTHP6rPlHKqBvKnUKBCxH39ldIV7S6EPZQRY0/?igshid=1lpx1lrpeu03b

[thomsong93]

[thomsong93]

Was it Bernie Sanders that said plants are the new pets? He was right. I can't afford a dog. And children are definitely cancelled. Meet Phil. He's a Philodendron. He makes me happy 🖤 https://www.instagram.com/p/CJ3Wsywjo51slyOp64GpwKOwgdHgTVD27u_WHM0/?igshid=1mqkmw4mf8mit

[thomsong93]

(First two photos of me are after botox and last two photos are before botox) My botox trial for TMJ relief is at an end, this is my feedback for those interested. I wanted to get botox in order to numb the nerves and soften tense facial muscles that cause me grief. I only had 2 sessions. First was localised in my masseter muscles and the second included my temporalis for tension headaches. The reason I'm stopping isn't to do with the Doctor or facility, I was given such amazing advice and jaw exercises. I also wasn't pushed into making further appointments. But the reason botox changes facial features so drastically is because it's paralyzing toxic bacteria. It is accumulative and alters features when sessions are performed frequently. This paralysis of facial muscle groups and botox build up begins to change the face. I saw no changes after one session gladly as I wasn't doing this to look different. Second session was over 3 months later as recommended. As you can see in the first 2 photos of my smile, my face became smooshed. Was kind of cute having chubby cheeks but I couldn't give a wider smile. My face slimmed yet also had cushion. And 2 facial... indents? Lines? Folds? began to form on one side of my face. I personally didn't like the look of that bit but it did fade as I gained muscle control back. I love to smile big and that's my main reason to cease treatment to be honest 🤷‍♂️ The pain relief was good for about a month after treatment. The problem is that if I don't wish to appear different, my sessions will need to be further apart which isn't effective for pain relief purposes. You can't expect nothing to change aesthetically which should have been obvious to me. It was worth a try though! Moving forward, I will see a specialist and try other relief treatments/exercises. https://www.instagram.com/p/CJtZeSWjyrP5kl8_ng6dLGq5DCVuf8pQU05clk0/?igshid=1lgrkqt2k6yx2

[thomsong93]

[thomsong93]

♥️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CFj1MlcDPwPrs3dAGqleG9J-Z03o02XSV6G-fE0/?igshid=1qzqkwgy47viq