#bad at singing but enjoy doing it

[fourseasonsfigs]

Concert Twirl

This beautiful fig is inspired by one of my favorite moments in one of my favorite things - the Word of Honor Concert.

To explain how much I love this twirling concert intro, I have my phone lock screen set to this image:

It looks beautiful on the phone with the gorgeous swirly colors and the gorgeous swirly men, just saying.

Zhehan swirling/dancing/swift moving steps during his whole concert intro (and also moonwalking in the BTS) is just a perfect encapsulation of his personality, Gong Jun's personality in being game for whatever his Zhang Laoshi throws at him (in front of 7,000 people notwithstanding), and their caring and trusting relationship. I love it so much. I woke up at 3:30am Pacific Standard Time to watch both days of the concert live, knowing I wouldn't understand a word but not caring - which, may I say, felt like the height of my fandom craziness at the time. What could possibly top that level of insanity??

Ahem, right, moving on.

I remember being so surprised and delighted that the two of them were showing so much fun and personality from the very start of the concert. What nerves? So charming and so fun. Also, it's an incredibly beautiful visual image.

Since Zhehan's the focus of this fig, let's check out the actual video here:

The main camera angle didn't give us a great view of the twirl (OR of Gong Jun twirling), so let's have some inspirational stills of him floating across the stage:

It's incredible how beautiful he is. I had to hold myself back from putting sparkles and glitter hearts all over my header pic, because he's just so bright and sparkly and alive. His whole personality just shines through.

Ah, no wonder this fig maker was so inspired by this. Who wouldn't be?

When the box arrived at the warehouse, the photos taken of the inside looked like this:

You can just imagine my expression when I saw the flowers just thrown on in there all together! There's no way those resin petals would survive the journey - it doesn't even bear thinking about. I paid 62 cents for the warehouse to wrap the flowers to protect them and called it a bargain.

And here it is! Mindful of the way the flowers had looked in the warehouse, I was still worried they might be broken, but they unwrapped - shockingly - perfect.

Here's the base and the flowers. Thrilled at my good luck, I pulled up the fig maker's photo so I could make sure I was putting all the pieces in the right place, and started flower arranging.

And - well, precious readers, if you've been with me through the Hanye with a Sword post, you'll know what I went through with modifying that fig's little hand. So you can imagine how my heart sank when I found that two of the flowers did not want to fit into their little holes in the clouds.

I tried gently wiggling them, rotating them, angling them...nope.

You can see this first one has the stem almost pre-trimmed down to fit, but it sure didn't work.

The good news, of course, was that I had just gone through all of this with Hanye and his sword, so I re-gathered up my nerves, and got to work. I carefully sanded down a small part of the stems verrrrry very slowly, turning it to try to make it even on all sides, constantly testing to make sure I wasn't over-sanding.

It ended up being way easier than Hanye's hand, plus something about it being a flower instead of, well, a hand, just mentally made it less stressful.

Ta da! Whew, so glad that's done. It's not perfect, but I will say that one of the many things that touched my heart from the concert was that I actually, for the first time in my whole life, saw with my own eyes and actually believed that things don't have to be perfect to be beautiful. In fact, things can be more unique and precious because they're not. Gong Jun's off key singing, Zhehan losing the key, Wang Ruo Lin slipping and falling, etc etc ... all the chaos and mayhem and sheer, utter delight. It's hard to undo a lifetime of programming that perfection is everything, but I will tell you that this concert cracked that wide open and a real and lasting way for me.

Zhehan attaches to the base via feet magnets, which I am a big fan of. I wish more figs had magnets! The little feet go on those circles there you can see on the base.

Since he's twirling, I'm going to treat this like my music box posts and do a 360 degree photo roll so you get all the angles:

Whew! Very tempted to invest in the USB rotating platform. If only it wouldn't use up my one-video-per-post slot, I would.

Not all resin figs come with printed boxes - a lot of times they are just a plain white box, but this one did. (The printed stickers are a reminder to film an unboxing video) It's very beautiful! The writing on the box says, Goodbye Jianghu, which is certainly apropos to the concert.

I didn't have a box card in my box, which is too bad, because it would have been lovely to have this a pic of the fig with this art in the background. So I kind of made one myself with the header pic. I think it turned out really nice, but you can be the judge!

Material: Resin

Fig Count: 205

Scene Count: 18

Rating: Endless Happiness

[link back to Master Fig Index for more posts]

#zhang zhehan #word of honor merch #word of honor concert #describe yesterday's performance in a four word idiom #欢乐无限 #endless happiness #人菜瘾大 #bad at singing but enjoy doing it #junzhe

[daz4i]

people telling me my lyrics are good doesn't make me feel confident in them. what makes me feel confident in my writing is seeing famous artists praised for their lyric writing and then i check the song being praised and it's mid at best, and despite my harsh criticism of myself i can tell my writing is at least more interesting if not just better. perhaps i have a shot after all..

#i sound mean here. but the artists i'm refering to won't see it it's okay 🖤 #they're also usually not THAT bad at least in a sense where i can see where ppl might relate or enjoy singing along to them. #this is why i specified more interesting. i try to be clever in my writing and i think i'm doing an ok job #i'm doing my best okay.........🥺 #might upload my most recent recorded draft at some point idk. the lyrics actually aren't that special but i like my singing there

[seithr]

Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now

(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)

(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)

Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh

#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.) #(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved) #(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.) #The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me. #All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so. #It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth #So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike. #There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars. #And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like: #He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover #And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery. #So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek #About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century! #Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but #I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name... #I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight #Armour clanking #I need an oc tag #What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference #and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶 #I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶 #He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER #What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶 #It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶 #I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶 #I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER #Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...

[kingpains]

i don’t know where to find other people who were disappointed in Geekish Celibacy Advocates Gotta Go to commiserate with. don’t wanna clog up the main tag with negativity because people just browsing abojt a musical they like don’t need that. but holy shit was this show a letdown for me and i cant find one other comment or review anywhere that acknowledges Any flaws :(

edit: censored the name of the show and didn’t tag @ all w/ the show’s name, but this’ll still pop up in searches for starkid and the effort required to edit tags on tumblr is INSANE, so i’m adding Starkid Negativity to the front of the post for blocking purposes of anypony doesn’t want this in their search!

#starkid negativity #letdown for a lot of reasons but it’s still probably just a 5/10 #it isn’t. horrible. i just do not get in Any Way the praise being lathered on it #especially the music #it wasn’t even that funny :( #i’ve never felt like one or two actors have ever CARRIED a starkid show alone before #max and chastity being the ones who carried hardcore here #they were funny and well written and even got most of the Not Bad songs in the show. good for them #but a lot of what they’re surrounded by is just :( underwhelming #i didn’t expect the Story here to be AMAZING WOWWWW bc that’s rarely what i watch starkid for. twisted knocked it out of the park but #for the most part starkid shows aren’t drawing me in with their Plots #the comedy and fun music and nice acting is the appeal for me and this show only really had 1 of the 3 in spades :( #that’s the acting. the acting was good nobody phoned it they were all clearly acting their asses off and enjoying themselves. that’s great #would’ve been greater if they jokes they were delivering and the songs they were singing were #also good #i’ve been a starkid fan since before the third very potter musical dropped* #i usually love starkid’s productions. they were a very good portion of my childhood and adolescence #trying to keep my criticisms here focused on Being Subjective. not saying any of my thoughts here are objective facts abt the show #using a lot of I Feel and To Me statements here. if this does show up in the N//P//M//D tags i’m not saying anybody is dumb or wrong #for liking it. if they did like it #but For Me this show really was a letdown compared to the rest of the starkid catalogue #starkid is allowed to change and evolve. of course it is and it deserves to. but id hope that a Starkid Spirit remains as a througline for #their entire catalogue #yknow. the quintessential essence of Star Kid. and it didn’t feel very present here :( #i have removed the title of the show from the post and it isn’t in the tags. but i’m gonna add a tag for blacklisting just in case

[theswedishpajas]

Really liked this recording and thought I might as well post it?

There are a some extra high notes in this though so be careful!! I'm a very squeaky goat!!!

#my art stuff #singing #music #ukulele #pure imagination #cover #willy wonka #willy wonka and the chocolate factory #I'm not a pro by any means in neither signing nor playing the ukulele #but I really enjoy both and so who cares how it sounds #Trying really hard to not downplay what skill I do have #it's difficult #I'm in that long stage of learning a skill where I'm good enough to tell when things aren't quite right but not good enough to properly- #- apply that knowledge. you know what I mean #I'm skilled enough to critique myself but not enough to fix it so I end up bashing myself over being “bad” or whatever #ANYWAYS #PMA CUS THE MORE YOU TELL YOURSELF SOMETHING - THE MORE YOU BELIEBE IT AND STUFF #Or at least a neutral mental attitude. better to give yourself no expectations than BAD ones!!!!!

[meirimerens]

how i'm feeling with an idea for a 5 years post-plague comic where khan is invited (by catnip, because with the dissolution of the dogheads and the falling of the tower his power has quite thinned + catnip has never given a fuck + she has a job and he doesn't) to a bal populaire [drawing a blank on the english phrase. a sort of dance/ball for the people, often peasantry by the people, often peasantry] in a now-abandoned warehouse (except for the balls) where she and her brother (dandy) play the instruments and insist notkin does as well while he bitches and moans because he's waking up early tomorrow but eventually agrees and takes that fiddle and khan sits in a corner nobody dancing with his ass and he realizes the people have grieved the town, and the town has grieved the people, without him while he was away. and i can't do it rn.

#“And what do you think there will be at the end of the world; eh?” Burakh asked when the silence had become too hard to bear. #“Singing and dancing?” #“Singing; I know for sure. Don’t you hear them?” [...] “As for dancing… I don’t care for it too much; with that bad leg of mine.” [...] #“I still hope there will be; so everyone else can enjoy it.” #you know how i feel. about the town on gorkhon bals populaires. #neigh (blabbers) #inflicting grief upon this child. in my defense i had to deal w it as his age & am still going through it. through the wringer you go boy

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

who hates operación triunfo more edgelords who thing they're above a silly music contest or fans of operación triunfo

#vivitalksot #quién se apunta para bombardear gestmusic #no but #this isn't about 'oh they won't sing amapolas my ship oh nawr' #this is about how the goddamn program has already treated paul and alvaro (and also bea now that we're on topic) like shit #i shan't speak about gala 8 but #you know what happened there #in interviews when asked about which songs they would like on tour #they both said they wanted amapolas #they even fucking repeated it in the weird ass video statement they released an hour ago #saying that they would've liked to sing it but it didn't depend on them #it's the only ship song to not be sung on tour in the history of ot btw #which is already insane #once again it's a good song a good duo and numerically it just makes sense. it just made sense #as we know now. it looks like paul is going to sing fewer songs than people like chiara #PAUL IS THE RUNNER UP #during tour the better your position in the contest the more songs you're allowed to sing #it doesn't look like paul will sing more than two duets and two solos #and even if he sung another duet #the ones that are left are 1) el encuentro with chiara which i enjoy but i wouldn't say it's tour - worthy #also it would make chiara have like 5/6 songs so. lol #2) little green bag. also a cool performance but. martin has so many songs already #3) bad habits. no ❤️ #and there's also the trio he could do which is the worst trio in the contest so. lovely #i'm so tired

[echoesofadream]

so fucked up how if i could only listen to one person sing for the rest of my life i would choose jungkook without a second of doubt and yet they still somehow made his album so bad i cant listen to it. like you'd almost have to put a gun to my head for me to listen to that whole thing again actually

#i cant even listen to it as a like okay lets turn off my brain and enjoy his voice and singing #like no its so bad that i cant even do that #i hope when he returns he will be totally changed and like emo rebel era #or something #and not a hybe america corporate puppet #who makes shitty disgusting objectifying misogynist music #i already know our music taste doesnt perfectly align and im fine with that but i still want different for him #even if it wont be my favorite type of music #but it could be #if he does ballad heavy and pop that i like #etc #rnb maybe #i want him to do indie rock though #and bubblegum pop #and more

[maxellminidisc]

Wish I could take voice lessons again, I miss singing and singing healthily at that

#sometimes i think i need to just do things for the sake of doing and not achievement or set goals #and maybe then i would enjoy music and frankly most of the arts i do again #my range has diminished my ability to maintain pitch stability and resonance is ASS my vibrato is subpar #and mostly ive always needed to work on support singing from my chest and diaphragm has always been hit or miss for me #i have a bad habit of going straight into head voice with very little support when straining lakskddkdks #but im too fucking broookkkeee #cant even even buy like $25 gunpla despite itching to build on for my own mental health 😭😭😭

[theamazingannie]

I was like “GOD this guy is so annoying” and felt bad and then I realized it was Chris Olsen lmaoooo

#I don’t so bad anymore lol #taylor swift #the eras tour #I used to think he was funny but he just gets on my nerves now #and he keeps making all those dumb commentary comments that are always so annoying #like ‘what time is it?’ ‘where were you?’ #bitch shut up we aren’t here for you #I ignore when there’s bad singing along to it cuz that’s what you do at concerts and you’re enjoying yourself #but the comments are acting like you’re the star here #I’m watching your stream solely cuz folkcleric chose your stream cuz it’s the best quality nothing more #id switch if I could #in fact I’m gonna go to swift stream and see if that’s better cuz I can’t bare this anymore

[administer-distractions]

.

#does it make me a bad teacher if i wished that i could rearrange the schedule so the students that were easier to teach came last in the day #its just #its not that i dont want to teach these other students its just that #its really hard to try to keep their fragile confidence from shattering while also having to tell them what theyre doing wrong #and often its the same thing over and over #so i have to figure out twenty different ways to say please for the love of god child open your mouth when you sing #i just want to do those first when im still like happy and energetic and not waiting for the day to be over #theyre not even really my students #im just subbing for the voice teacher whos on maternity leave #so theres the added stress of like #all the ones that struggle more are the ones who also dont already know me #its hard when one of your biggest issues is confidence and suddenly you have to sing in front of this brand new person whos going to judge u #i love teaching voice i wish i could do it more if only i wasnt so busy doing other things usually #but i do not enjoy subbing

[exoexid]

just realized something and even tho it's something very silly i feel so bad about it 😭

#i just.... sometimes i listen to ateez. i do enjoy some of their songs bc the brand of noise music they produce is interesting and fun!!!! #obvsly that doesn't mean that i stan them. no matter how pretty seonghwa and mingi are i just don't i'm not 15 anymore :) #but i know their names and i can identify some of them when they sing/rap (see: mingi jongho and hongjoong. happy bday king btw!!!) #because they have distinguishable voices even with all the vocal processing they add to their songs #however.... when it comes to what i assume is the rest of their vocal line i'm still trying to... kind of sort them out #and that's fine bc i don't listen their music that much. but their voices are similar in tone right? to me they are at least but idk!!!! #well today i just realized that i have never heard them talk. like outside of singing idk their voices. i don't watch their content #no wait i did watch that one video with san and hongjoong trying out british food........ but the point still stands!!!!! #today i was scrolling down on twt and a video of san mingi and yunho appeared and as i listened to it.... something wasn't adding up to me #and it was so weird bc? yeah that's mingi's voice. and ah okay san talks like that. but yunho??????? #he has always reminded me of chanyeol. so much. so as i was listening to him talking my brain kept saying ''wasn't his voice deeper??'' #and yeah it IS deep but it's not pcy deep!!!!!!!! like girl you've been fooling yourself all this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #in my head i keep on giving him pcy's voice which is. insane. and i don't know how i never registered it while listening to their songs #i truly feel so bad about it like it's so weird how i never realized i was doing this unconsciously YUNHO I'M SORRYYY #2 am thoughts are strange but this one has shaken me up so much like girl.... not everything is about your favorite unemployed legends!!!! #dara.t

[spaghetticat3899]

I’m gonna go back in time and kill my parents for procreating and making me, and giving me the AuDHD trait of hearing every tiny noise and hating it

#spaghetti speaks #I can’t ever have a break when I’m on break because people CLEAR THEIR THROAT EVERY 30 SECONDS #I want to claw at my ears I H A T E #I hate all noises having to do with the respiratory and digestive systems #I can hear it all- I cannot escape all the mouth and organ noises- AAAAAAAAAA #“You’re being dramatic calm your tits” #I feel every noise I hear in my ears #i hate it so much #its nice with music because it’s like I can feel the instruments in a song #but everything else it’s EUGH #I don’t want to hear your lip-smacking throat clearing sniffles bad singing/humming #I DONT WANT TO HEAR YOUR UNFUNNY TIKTOKS EITHER #i’m ranting #I’m just annoyed I can never enjoy my breaks because of my stupid sensitive ears

[yioh]

i hate dramas abt people who are good at being people can we have more shows abt unemployed losers or students who r failing EVERYTHING including their social and love lives or or or adults in their 40/50s who have no idea why or how they r still alive but keep on living because haha lol what else

#HOW IS EVERYONE SO MOTIVATED TO DO STUFF I DONT GET IT HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW #like ur telling me people have boyfriends or girlfriends since school or university and get internships and get employed and have friends #and even enjoy their work life and have good enough grades where they can even have enough time to hang out with friends #have a successful hobby like they play the guitar or can draw or sing or whatever #I HATE U ALLLLLLLLLLLL #PEOPLE EVEN HAVE CAREER GOALS PATHS THEY WANNA FOLLOW LIKE HOW FUCKED IS THATTT #😭 i feel like i can’t indulge in media like i used to im just a hater now why does everyone have a life #HDJBWSKDBSMZBZJ #A #need more characters who laugh everytime something else either minorly or MAJORLY bad happens to them because what else do u do

[unproduciblesmackdown]

also more odds & ends orville info & more not Not orville/phil info as well:

"In Steinkellner’s version of Summer Stock, Jane Falbury (Danielle Wade) and “Pop,” her father (Stephen Lee Anderson), are struggling to hang on to the family farm. Their farm is one of the few in the Connecticut River Valley that hasn’t been absorbed by the Wingates, whose holdings completely surround theirs.

The widow Margaret Wingate (Veanne Cox), whom son Orville (Will Roland) aptly describes as having eyes “as cold as death itself,” plans to absorb the Falbury farm by the simple expedient of having Orville marry Jane. After all the two kids had decided they were engaged in first grade!

Enter the prodigal younger sister Gloria (Arianna Rosario) who has been seduced by the lure of the Great White Way. She returns to the farm bringing along Joe Ross (Corbin Bleu in the Gene Kelly role), the director of the show that will make her a star, its composer Phil Filmore (Gilbert L. Bailey II), and the entire company. She has generously offered the company, which can’t afford rehearsal space in New York, the use of the family farm’s barn. Sister Jane reluctantly agrees to the intrusion with the proviso that the thespians will double as farm hands.

As rehearsals progress, Phil discovers that Orville, a bit of a doormat who has been raised with the understanding that he will never have to work, is a musical wunderkind. He is enlisted to work his magic on the show’s score and begins to blossom.

Widow Wingate takes umbrage with all this and vows to shut the enterprise down. Fortunately, the cold embers in her soul are stirred to renewed life by her encounter with Montgomery Leach (J. Anthony Crane), the has-been ham enlisted to give Ross’s show some cachet, so all might not be lost.

[...]

They make this Summer Stock a veritable feast of nostalgia. I was especially taken by the amusing way Steinkellner used Jackie Gleason’s theme song “Always” to further widow Wingate’s plot to get Jane and Orville hitched.

[...]

Orville, who has found personal liberation in show biz, is accorded a moment that reminded me of a similar scene in the musical version of The Producers. In a triumphant declaration of his emergence from under his mother’s thumb he exults, “I’m in the theatre! And I love it!” The audience loved it, too.

[...]

As director, Feore has elicited some wonderful performances, especially from subsidiary characters. Veanne Cox is splendid as Margaret Wingate as is J. Anthony Crane as Montgomery Leach, the faded matinee idol. Will Roland (Orville) and Gilbert L. Bailey II (Phil) both have wonderful moments and their intense professional friendship is one of the show’s highlights."

INTENSE PROFESSIONAL FRIENDSHIP you say....and also ofc everything about orville and wanting to be a musician and being in the theatre and he loves it sounds so good. i love it

#summer stock #orville wingate #will roland #also i guess they Are ambiently together / ''engaged'' already then lol #very cute really ''decided they were engaged in first grade''...and illustrative of both just kinda having been stuck in life the whole tim #mention of how the gene kelly epic solo tap sequence that i can muse on context for but Does just kinda happen #now does have more context and like. a part in an arc lol. which also gene/joe just doesn't have much of at all in the film; so (an arc) #needless bit at the end as the reviewer is skeptical this show could be on broadway basically b/c it's not ''edgy'' enough #which is then bafflingly & exhaustingly explained w/juxtaposing ''disclaimers'' abt the content in Other shows on broadway #which is bad; irrelevant; bigoted; and also unfair not just to those shows but summer stock lol. and like everything. and everyone. #get tf outta here....talking about like well gee i guess an ontario reviewer like me might enjoy it but in New York.... #like it's an nyt critics pick okay cool it. have Only read glowing reviews save the one critic who Didn't like the warm feelgood deal. #which is sure a thing that's possible to experience (though i don't think it makes for a Well Executed; Useful Review to hinge it on that) #but (a) warm feelgood material isn't like. riskier than what you deem Not ''unfashionably'' ''old-fashioned'' there #& (b) like many reviews point out that the feelgoodness Could've fallen flat or short or been too much but it was balanced / well executed #like don't come in here insulting the show with your supposed compliments lmao....Bizarre brushstroke of [ugh you know bway] shows.... #which it then gestures broadly at as shows with a ''message''....just tiresome & useless little tangent at the end smhhh #anyways really do love this for orville. was already wondering if he plays that piano we see them dancing with...their adorable meetcute? #i would like to see it....makes it seem even more likely. or who knows if it's orville just reading some music left At that piano #and singing but also composing? arranging? in doing so....harmonizing....etc #i bet it's a delight. he Does get to work on the show....he's truly getting I Don't Dance'd brought into the show/theatre ft. bisexuality #taking votes for whether he's chad or ryan in that situation. the one not already in theatre but also the one attached to the antagonist

[musical-chick-13]

I want to sing through some Weird Emotions, which has the effect of me wanting to share art, but also no one perceive me ever.

#mc13's complicated relationship with art #like...something something songs are for when words aren't enough you need to express yourself to truly connect with people but also YIKES #TERROR. #like again I do NOT want to do this professionally but I miss singing FOR something. I miss sharing music that I like and being able to go #'oh hey look I paid tribute to this thing I hope it can evoke some of the same things in you that it did in me while I was singing it' #but I'm also just...so Scared™ about that? like 'if I do this badly I will forfeit my right to membership in society' which is. ridiculous. #but such is o.c.d. #MAKE BAD ART. IF I HATE MYSELF THE PATRIARCHY WINS. I NEED TO KEEP SCREAMING THESE THINGS AT MYSELF OVER AND OVER #like GENUINELY as unhinged as I get on this blog there's a lot of vulnerability that I don't put here and that I don't put ANYWHERE #and yeah haha look it means that I keep a lot of unpleasant things at a distance but it also means that I don't ever actually show myself #and that was fine for like. idk a fair amount of years but it is getting unbearable now. truly it is eating at me day in and day out #and truly it is preventing me from ever actually enjoying life and WHY IS THIS SO HARD WHY IS HUMAN CONNECTION AND SELF-ASSUREDNESS SO HARD #WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SIMPLY BE ONESELF AND EXIST IN THE WORLD