#at least the dude that is like my ex finally leave tomorrow. and god im relieved.

[m-a-ys-world]

Wedding date

You needed a date to your brothers wedding because your best friend bailed on you last minute for her boyfriend “y/n im sorry i just haven’t seen him in forever you know hes been away for months” she apologetically over the phone “ok but his wedding is tomorrow who the hell am i gonna bring now” you yelled at her “dude chill out, ask Diggs” she offered a solution “hes in Texas” you said rubbing your forehead and pacing around your house “robbie then” she said “im not taking my ex to my brothers wedding” you groaned “ask Rafael” you froze “absolutely not” you replied “why not, you know he would go with you” she said “im not asking him to be my date to the wedding” you said “oh, is this because of your little, sorry huge crush on him” she chucked at you “maybe” you said quietly “look i have to go but call him and ask he’ll probably say yes,love you bye” you tossed your phone on the couch “god damn it” you said picking up your phone back up to call Rafael “hey, whats up” you heard his voice on the other side of the phone and you panicked a little “hey um are you doing anything tomorrow night” you asked him kind of hoping he was “nope why what do you wanna do” he replied “can you come with me to Jacks wedding, kimmy bailed on me for her boyfriend” you said “uh yeah I can go” you let out a sigh of relief “great thanks we have to be there by 5 I’ll text you the address” you said “ok see you tomorrow” you ended the call and sat on the couch finally relaxing and hoping tomorrow would go smoothly.

It was almost 5 you were freaking out because Rafael wasnt there yet and you we’re starting to worry that he blew you off, you were standing in a corner of the room trying not to sweat off your makeup “could you at least pretend to be happy today” your brother said walking up to you “what. no i am happy, im so happy im just kinda freaking right now” you said “yeah i can tell” he said laughing softly “i know you’re upset because Kimmy ditched you but you know Raf wont do that to you, its only 4:30 he’ll be here” your brother said trying to ease your worries “thanks Jack” you said hugging him “you’re welcome little sister, hey you dont still have a crush on him do you” he asked “what? No” you said a little too fast “yeah, okay” he said laughing “i gotta go finish getting ready just chill ok” he said walking away from you “hey” you heard from behind you and your worries were finally gone “hey thanks for coming on such a short notice” you said “no sweat i wasnt gonna let you come alone” he said hugging you, god you loved when he hugged you you almost hoped he would never let you go “you two are so cute” you heard your cousin say “oh god not now” you said breaking your hug “hey sarah i havent seen you since you were like 10” Rafael said smiling at her “when are yall just gonna get together” Sarah joked and you glared at her from behind Rafa “Oh ew no” Rafa laughed

Ouch.

“We grew up together its like shes my cousin it would be hella weird” your heart broke slightly as he said that. You never told him you liked him so it’s not like he said it to hurt you, but it still hurt “hey guys its almost time” you mother said from behind you and now you have to get through the wedding without crying.

The ceremony was beautiful but you were glad it was over so you could just go home and cry. You were trying to think of an excuse while looking for your brother to tell him you were going home.

once you finally found him you told him you were sick and as you were leaving you ran into Rafael outside “hey where you running off to” he asked you “home” you said walking down the stairs “wait whats wrong he said walking behind you “nothing” you replied “you sure ‘cause you’re making that face you make when your mad” he said “dude im fine i just wanna go home” you said just wanting him to leave you alone “why are you mad at me right now” he asked you “im not” you said flatly “you are” he said grabbing your arm making you stop walking “can you just talk to me” he said looking into your eyes “i dont want to do this right now” you said trying to walk away “do what” he said grabbing you again “why do you think it would be weird to date me” you asked him wishing you hadn’t because this wouldnt lead to something you wanted to hear “what” he said “you told sarah it would be weird to date me” you said “wsit you’re mad at me because i told your cousin it would be weird for us to date” he asked “why do you think that” you asked him trying not to cry “i dont know, we’ve just been friends for so long and i dont want to lose that” he said softly “how would be lose this” you said tears streaming down your face “i dont know y/n why does it matter” he said “why do you think it matters” you said as he just stared at you “oh Jesus Christ, because i love you” you finally told him “wait what” he laughed “this is why i didnt want to do this” you said walking away “no wait” he called after you “what” you turned to face him again “I love you too” he said “dont fuck with me right now” you said “im not, im serious i love you” he said stepping closer to you “i just didnt know how to tell you” you were looking at him waiting for him to laugh or to something but he didnt, he really was serious “im didnt mean to make you mad im sorry” he said “its okay” you said closing the space between the two of you “i really wanna kiss you right now” he said looking into your eyes “me too” you said as he leaned in to kiss you and it felt like your heart was exploding.

You pulled away smiling at him “so, its not weird” he said smiling back at you “no” you said still smiling like an idiot “how about i take you home and we watch a movie” he said “only if you promise not to complain about what I pick” you said “uh no promises” he laughed wrapping his arm around you and walked you to his car.

After all this you were glad kimmy bailed on you

This was all over the place😶

#rafael casal #rafael casal x reader

[azenta]

To continue on the last rant...

#the two guys finally admitted. one saturday the other sunday. it finally concluded repatively well for these two #at least more so for one of the two who made some realisation. the other... not so much. still to be watched tbh. #but still. the others i had a doubt about were still on thin ice this weekend. #and pretty sure they did much more than we will ever really know. but that's on them acting dumb in therapy. #at least the dude that is like my ex finally leave tomorrow. and god im relieved. #he insisted idk how many time to just casually hang out after his therapy with some others from the therapy #and i refused and explained politely all while being firm that it wasnt possible each single fucking duckling time #no dude. you dont understand. this one rule protects my ass from people like you. #you have your own suffering yes but when it threatens my own well being i swear ill protect myself against it. #he acted like a dick tonight with his therapy buddy by inventing that other of my colleagues organized a gathering with other clients #around the end of june. and then started laughing at me when i straight out said 'no it's false' to the shit they said. #as some form of way to make me doubt and convince me to come. like. my dudes. im not naive. i swear im not. #im in fact extremely fucking distrustful. when i go along it's because of that retarded stupid ass people pleasing pattern i have. #but when you hit the 'doubt' box in my mind... #i swear you wont have the time to process wtf is happening that i will be gone and far away from your orbit #and you triggered that box the day you arrived at the center. so dont expect to get away with some disgusting manipulative tactics #anyway... #im just glad he's finally leaving. the worst is everyone liked him. because dudes like him are sadly charismatic af. #tho also im aware he had great qualities and isnt fundamentally a bad person. but he still has that destructive side with people unhealed #it's only a question of time... #im still angry and wary x1000 about that shit that happened this evening... #lets bet he'll try to reach me out some way or another at some point in the next few weeks... #i really hope not tho... i hope im just being overly distrustful #rant #personal

[sendmenot]

9/25/18 Butterflies and Farewells

Hey there, devil. Yes, you! That’s my pet name for you (and I also call you lolo but hey, who cares).  

It’s already 1:20am, and I just really need to release these thoughts I have inside. Just got home around 12:30am. I’ve had the loveliest night in months, truth be told.

It started earlier when I was playing league. Paul (you) suddenly messaged me whilst I’ve just started playing a normal game with a friend (lil’ bro K). 

“ how far are u from makati? “, your message read. 

“ let’s go out tonight! cmon cmon “

I got really excited when you asked me out. After the game ended, I showered as fast as I could and put on cute clothes and make-up. I was late, but hey, it’s deffo not my fault! You asked me out so suddenly!!! My heart wasn’t ready...

I first saw your back. You were wearing a gray shirt with black tones. You were fiddling your phone. I tapped your arm and announced my arrival. You smiled; Gods, it was such a beautiful smile. I love the way your eyes sparkled as you smiled. We were awkward for a bit; we haven’t seen each other for months (although we have been talking a lot for the past 6 months)! After a few moments of awkwardness, you told me that our grab driver has arrived. We looked for it, but we were too stupid to see it right before our eyes, hahaha~

Inside the car, we were just making small talk. I made sure not to sit too close to you. We aren’t even touching! You showed me your waifus and your beloved love live game. You suck at playing on pro mode!!!! :P

At long last, we’ve finally arrived at our destination. It was already around 9 pm. We ordered food and drinks. You told me that they serve local beer there and that you really wanted to try them. It was a tad bit too sweet for your tastes though. More conversations followed as we munched on our chips and chicken nuggets.

I told you that I’ve had the weirdest dreams for the past few weeks. (A.K.A. the preggo dreams). You called me a slut!!!! But I laughed it off, knowing that you were just kidding. As it turns out, you’ve been having nightmares of your own. You’ve dreamt of your ex gf doing something really bad, and you were trying to get her to stop doing that thing. There was another dude, and she’d rather listen to that dude AND flirt right there on your face, instead of believing you. You were pissed- hell, you LOOKED pissed. Kinda scary, truth be told. I wanted to hug you right then there but opted not to. It might not be welcomed yet..

I just let you rant about it- the way you wanted to get back with her, but couldn’t. There’s always doubt at the back of your mind. I played that role again, and I guess that’s just how it is with us. I know I’ve had my share of rants to you as well, and you never complained. I just extended the courtesy back to you; there’s nothing I can do about it at this point.

You took out your phone and told me to log on my okc account. I noticed that you weren’t even hiding your phone when you were putting in the code. (Yeah, I notice the little things) You told me to match with some guys and that you’ll chat them up. We’ve had fun looking at weird profiles, pointing out our observations.

Out of the blue, you suddenly asked me if I’m going home soon to Japan. 

“Yeah, but not so soon though”, I replied.

“But we’ll keep in touch, right? Let’s keep in touch!”, you said.

“Of course! Knowing you- there’s probably an ulterior motive behind that, yes? You wanted a dakimakura?”, I asked.

“No, not that.”

“I thought you wanted that? You told me so before.”

“That was before. I want figurines.”

Suddenly, you told me that you were leaving Manila soon. You were going back to your hometown, Iloilo. Tomorrow (later), to be precise. 

I suddenly felt really sad. There’s this crushing feeling and I feel so suffocated. It’s as if I have forgotten how to breathe. I can’t sleep right now since I’m still thinking about this lovely night we’ve had. I can’t handle how miserable I feel. 

Anyhoo, you told me the reason why you hated our school. Guess all schools are actually rotten to the core. You told me how school wasted your potential, and that you wished you could have gotten an apprenticeship instead (since your father already asked). You told me how you hated the fact that your father has a lot of connections, which is the precise reason why you avoided your previous school/ course. Gods, we laughed and ranted our hearts out tonight! I totally had a lot of fun! I just wish that it was the same for you.

A few drinks later and my bladder can’t take it anymore. I asked you to accompany me to the rest room (we were both new to the place, haha). God, you were so adamant not to! 

“God, do that to your okc boys.”

I saw you smoking outside, upon returning from the restroom and decided to just join you. I’d rather spend my time standing beside you than sitting by myself alone. You asked if I had a curfew and I shook my head. You asked for my address so you can walk me to my house. 

“It’s fine. Let’s just go back where we met tonight. I can walk home.”

“No! What kind of man do you think I am? I might be an asshole, but I’m a gentleman with etiquette. Speaking of which, will you offer me coffee?”

“NO.”

“Don’t you have etiquette? I was hoping to get atleast a glass of water..”

“Nawp, go home already!”

I noticed a cool place while we were in the car. It had a  humongous display of dino skeleton! I pointed it out to you and you said:

“Yeah, next time I come back..”

We got out of the car and started walking towards my house. There was a car passing by, but it won’t hit me by no means. You jokingly said:

“See! If I weren’t here to escort you home, you’d probably get hit by that car!”

“That car won’t hit me at all! And I’m not that drunk; I can walk home.”

“Naaaah, I’ll walk with you.”

We walked a looooooong way from the lrt station. Welp, I love walking home. Especially if I get to walk by your side...

You were panting by the time we were on our street! It was funny ‘cause you kept complaining. I think it’s cute though...

Soon enough, you were in the car, on your way home. We bid our goodbyes. I waited on our street until I can’t see that car anymore. It dawned upon me right then- the sadness I was trying to hide tonight when you told me that you were going home. We won’t play league together anymore; you’re gonna try your best to act like a responsible adult.

At home, I saw a message on my discord. It was from you.

“ you home yet? “

I thanked you for the lovely evening. 

“you're welcome! praise me more!!! im home n btw”

“ That was fast @@ You're the greatest human being to ever grace the planet~ “ 

“ man... make it a little more believable at the least “

“Alriiiggght”

“try again~ go!!”

“ You're an asshole but at the same time a gentleman “

“ see was that so hard!? work on the delivery though “

“ Which is highly contradictory “

“ no its not. u suck “

“ U suck too “

I remember consulting runes about a month ago. It said that my future decisions will rely on someone else leaving. Someone close to me. I thought that was my friends- Maj and Nikki were sent home as well. I don’t get to see them a lot anymore. Sleepovers were over. Their absence hit me as well, but it did not prepare me for what I’d feel when you said that you were leaving... 

Guess it’s time for me to grow up as well. No more hiding behind the safety of my room. I just wish I hugged you before you left... 

I realized it last night, you know? My feelings for you. Told myself not to fall since I’m still trying to heal myself from the scars of the past- I knew you were on the same boat. That didn’t help though. I still fell for you, stupid cocky human. 

Come back soon, alright? I’d love to hear your stories again. 

Love, Amoeba

P.S. You took me by surprise when you asked me to go out with you.

 “Let’s date! I won’t cheat on you.”

Tongue-tied, I just laughed it off. I didn’t know what to say. You looked serious but I didn’t know if you were just kidding or not. Ask me again when we’re both ready, okay?

#journal #journal entry #feelings #things i wanted to say

[thedegenerateasexual]

more let’s talk about love under the cut, chapters 17-26:

chapter 17:

this is fully just a feenie and alice fight and tbh feenie is so in the wrong it’s ridiculous

“[Ryan] thinks we ditched you last night.”

“You did ditch me.” She laughed a little.

“Yeah. Well. Anyway, just call him.”

Alice couldn’t even pretend to be mad. Ryan had to be the sweetest person on the planet and besides, it had all worked out. “So you’re just not going to apologize?” she joked.

“Are you going to apologize?” Feenie shot back.

“For what?”

“For fucking leaving.”

(Ah, there it was.)

(Damn it.)

“Um, well, not to be petty, but you left me first.”

“We went upstairs. You actually left the party. That is not the same thing.” She looked Alice right in the eyes. “I’m not going to apologize for having sex with my boyfriend when you fucking jumped ship the first chance you got because you couldn’t stand being alone for thirty minutes. Miss me with that bullshit.”

WOW

dude she was ASSAULTED and could have been RAPED you do not get to be like that lmao it was unsafe for her to be there alone

so much for feenie being the good egg

chapter 18:

so she’s telling takumi about the fight and feenie and ryan and:

“Tell me about them. What do you like most?”

“Ryan is the literal light of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as considerate and driven as him. He’s all-around amazing. And Feenie, well, she’s my oldest friend and soulmate. Her word, not mine, but I believe it,” Alice said before laughing at a random memory that popped into her head. “When we were little, people used to call us Ebony and Ivory, which is kind of offensive now that I’m thinking about it.”

“But she’s dating Ryan? And you’re okay with that?” The back end of her taco fell onto her plate with a small bit of it landing on her shirt. Takumi passed her some napkins.

“Oh, it’s not like a romantic kind of soulmate,” she said, dabbing her shirt. “Feenie’s pretty hardcore, but she has her sentimental moments. Once she said if reincarnation were real, we’d meet each other in every single life because nothing can keep us apart. We’re meant to be.”

He looked confused. “If you’re soulmates, aren’t you supposed to be in love with each other? That’s how it works.”

“I suppose it could be romantic or whatever, but she has Ryan. They’re meant to be right now, but we’re meant to be forever, if that makes sense.”

He finished chewing before saying, “Not really.”

Oh Boy

omg aw he offered to let her crash at his place for a bit until it blows over

“I never lived with my best friends, but I know what it’s like when they start dating and suddenly, everything feels like them versus you and they’re all you have. You don’t have to slink around feeling terrible. If you need space, I have space.”

She wanted to kiss his cheek.

Kiss. His. Cheek.

alice is so gone. i have only liked someone enough to voluntarily kiss their cheek one (1) time. it’s a rare feeling. i guess she cheek kisses more than i do tho. she platonically cheek-kisses!

hahahahaha and so since he’s babysitting his nieces that evening guess who gets roped into it! i would probably literally kiss a stranger on the cheek before i willingly interacted with their children alone

chapter 19:

while crashed out at takumi’s alice looks at one of his photography albums:

Near the end of the album, it happened: Takumi and the girl kissing.

“Wow, you’re real fond of that whole kissing thing.”

“And you’re not?”

“I don’t dislike kissing.” Alice closed that album and picked another. “I also don’t take pictures of myself while doing it.”

alice u liar u hate kissing

haha look at her fishing around to see if it’s safe tho

“So,” Alice began, drawing out the word, “kissing is important to you?”

“Honestly expressing my feelings is important to me.” He flipped a page. There were several pictures of a bonfire at night. A Southeast-Asian guy with dewy brown skin was wrapped in a red blanket, laughing in one photo. “Sometimes that means kissing. Or spending three days editing photos and videos together for my brother. Or letting a girl I just met stay in my house and look through my pictures because she’s scared to go home.”

i cannot BELIEVE he is being so smooth when she is literally going thru pics of him & his ex...also like How Candid honestly

“I spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out. Like, my feelings and sorting through my thoughts. I don’t think I overthink, but I like to know why things are the way they are for me and why they’re different for someone else.”

“I think everyone does that.”

“No, they don’t. At least, I don’t think they do. Not the way I do it,” she said. “So. Like. If I ask you something and it seems strange, I’m not being weird, I’m trying to understand.”

ACE MOOD like i said it’s a contemplative existence

chapter 20:

aw man alice went back to therapy after all just to talk about feenie and ryan (theyre still not speaking)

it’s not a v long chapter but anyways

chapter 21:

Ryan caved first.

THANK GOD

Feenie took longer to come around. No one mentioned anything, let alone apologized. Her simply consisted of asking Alice if Family Night for that week could be on Thursday. When she had learned Alice had been hiding at Takumi’s, she curiously had nothing to say, no questions to ask, no teasing jokes to make Alice squirm.

yikes

yk tho for real feenie is a really well written character...like alice, you want to like her, but part of you also wonder if the relation has played its course, which is heartbreaking. nice job 10/10

anyway she and ryan are hanging out and takumi called her from a bar for a ride lol he’s hammered 

and ryan like...really really tried to get her to not leave again and she kissed him on the cheek again? and before i was like, aw, cute, how platonic! and now i am Wary of both ryan and feenie. like is he emotionally cheating on feenie with her...is that a thing...i don’t like it

OH SHIT back at his house he’s gotten kind of rambly and:

“If you were dating someone, and you knew they loved you with their whole heart, had absolutely no doubts about it, could you cheat on them?”

Obviously, that question sent her mind into overdrive, connecting all the dots. A roommate who moved out suddenly. A part-time job to cover his rent. Essie telling her he’s single “now.”

Takumi had a someone.

A someone who had, apparently, cheated on him.

hhhhholy shit

“Me personally?” she asked finally. “No. I mean, it’s highly unlikely.”

Cheating on someone was one of those things she was destined to never understand. Choosing to not have sex with someone else didn’t seem like that hard of a concept to grasp, and yet she had comforted more than one person who had been cheated on.

you should NOT have to be ace to understand this shit why are people Like this

So he told her.

All of it.

Everything Alice did and didn’t want to know.

Takumi and his ex-girlfriend and former almost-wife, Rena, had started dating in college when they were nineteen. And it just … worked. They had gone to the same college, lived together for two years, and then earlier this year, she cheated on him. She had always been a social butterfly (his words) and an innocent flirt (her words), but when it came to some guy named Thad (Alice’s words: “Really? That’s his name?”), that innocence fluttered. Except it wasn’t only Thad. She cheated again with someone else. And once more for good measure before they broke up.

They began talking again a few weeks ago, very tentative (his words). Tomorrow night, they were supposed to have dinner to talk about being friends again and possiblyseeing if that could lead somewhere back to being together, but he had seen her kissing some guy downtown earlier. Which was why he was so drunk. He realized that even though she might have missed him (her words), she didn’t really want to be with him anymore (his words).

Y I K E S

ohhh man this is so sweet though like he asked her for relationship advice and she totally fumbled through it because of limited experience but she honest-to-god tried her best

chapter 22:

lol alice’s mom called and is on her ass about being a lawyer again...alice was like gimme 3 weeks to come up w/ a new plan bc i cant deal w/ being a lawyer im proud of her

oh shit it’s feenie backstory time

“Marie called me yesterday.” Marie—Feenie’s mom. “She worked whatever connections she has and had my case for fighting that dude in the bar last year thrown out. Apparently, that gave her the right to interrogate me. She wanted to know when I was going back to school, why I was wasting my life, why I was embarrassing her like this.” Feenie exhaled. “I want to have a family with Ryan because that’s what’s right for me. I don’t get how me wanting to get knocked up and be a housewife affects her. She doesn’t want me to have kids, so she’s never going to see them. Even if I die, she will never see them.”

Alice knew that. She’d known it for years.

In elementary school, when they were told to be doctors and astronauts and firefighters, Feenie stood up and said she wanted to be a mom. Back then, her favorite game had been House. Feenie was always the stay-at-home mom, while Alice was the working mom, and they had seven stuffed-animal children. Feenie did all the cooking, cleaning, and made sure Alice had her newspaper when she got home from work.

She wanted to be everything Marie hadn’t been for her even then.

Their relationship ultimately died when Marie wished Feenie had never been born. She said Feenie ruined all the plans she’d had for herself.

ohhhhh honey ))): okay some of my waryness has abated no wonder she’s like that

oh nevermind feenie immediately bit her head off when she mentioned takumi feenie sucks

chapter 23:

movie night with takumi and alice!! not much to copypasta but this near the end:

She took a deep breath. “I’m not ready to share. I don’t want to tell you.”

It was his turn to fix her hood. (He knew not to touch her hair.) “Okay,” he said. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

But part of her did want to. Her secret shouldn’t even have been one—it should have been a nonissue. Why couldn’t being asexual just be accepted?

Why did she have to spend the rest of her life coming out over and over and over…? And once she did, would people always expect her to talk about it? It would always be a huge deal, she would always be subjected to questions, and she would always have to defend herself.

Would it ever stop feeling like A Thing, a barrier, between her and everyone else?

LITERALLY! god what a mood

chapter 24:

also short, but when alice spotted feenie shopping for wedding dresses and offered to come along we had this exchange:

Feenie clicked her tongue. “Sure you can pry yourself away from Takumi long enough to spend time with me?”

Alice sighed and stood up. Feenie didn’t stop her.

ok look 1. feenie was so disappointed they didnt bang and now this?? 2. she gets to ditch alice at the party to be with her BF but alice doesn’t get to date anyone?? wow

chapter 25:

i could have honestly pasted the entire thing because it’s so goddamn cute and i can’t pick a favorite part but the tl;dr is that takumi is sick and alice went over to take care of him and he kept talking about how great she was in a slightly fever-addled way

wait no i can paste my least favorite part:

“Yeah. I haven’t heard from him in two days, but he called in sick on Saturday.”

Ryan twirled the screwdriver between his fingers, focused. “Are you sure he’s actually sick?”

“It’s either that or he’s packing and needed some time off.” Alice shrugged. “He already signed the lease for his new place.”

“Maybe he’s doing something else that doesn’t involve you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ryan’s face was so open, so honest. It always told the truth before he was ready to speak.

(Basically, he couldn’t lie to save his life.)

“I just think it’s funny that you talk to him and see him every day and all of a sudden he disappears and doesn’t tell you why. I mean, you’re guessing he’s sick or packing. You don’t actually know.”

WHY are they being like this with her wow they are HORRIBLE best friends

also, theyre getting married in 6 months vs two years suddenly. feenie moved up the date :/

chapter 26:

ALICE AND FEENIE AND RYAN ARE FINALLY HAVING IT OUT:

“You spend a lot of time with him.”

“You two spend a lot of time together without me.”

“That’s different. We’re engaged.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for you both to remember I exist?”

“Of course not, but you shouldn’t edge us out. You’re the one making it as if it has to be him or us.”

“How am I doing that? And why is this all my fault? Why do you two have a Get Out of Ditching Alice pass that I’m supposed to accept because you say so? How is that fair to me?”

“We don’t ditch you,” Ryan said.

“You do. You have for years. I just don’t say anything because I don’t want us to fight, but the second I find an actual friend on my own, you two act like this. Neither of you said anything when I spent time with Margot. Why is Takumi suddenly different?”

shit dude! she’s right! and then feenie enters:

“Maybe we minded then and didn’t say anything either.”

Alice whipped around at the sound of Feenie’s voice. Feenie leaned against the refrigerator, arms crossed.

“Maybe,” she continued, “we were really hurt, but you were too busy being happy to notice. Just like right now.”

An enraged fierceness made the edges of Alice’s vision turn red. She balled her hands into fists. “I wouldn’t even have met Margot if you hadn’t decided to move in with Ryan at the last minute. The millisecond you two started dating, he came first. You started to choose him over me every single time.” She turned that rage on Ryan. “And you have always chosen her over me.” Her phone buzzed. “Takumi’s outside.” She slung her purse strap over her shoulder while marching for the door.

man this is fucking sad i hope they make this better somehow :/

anyway she goes to hang out w/ takumi and 

“You wound me, madam.” He clutched his chest, wincing. “Especially since it’s your fault. It’s hard not to have an ego when you’ve told me you love my beautiful face.”

“Shut it.”

“How beautiful are we talking here? What’s my code?”

She groaned. “Not this again.”

OMG IS SHE GONNA TELL HIM...i’m on the edge of my seat here

“Tell me and I’ll bake you cookies when I’m not sick.”

“What kind of cookies?” she asked, leaning back into his arms. “And you have to use real flour. None of that ultra-buckwheat high-fiber stuff.”

“Oatmeal chocolate chip?”

“Deal.” She stared at the ceiling. “Black. I’d like two dozen cookies, please.”

just shrieked

“Black? I thought the Cutie Code was Green to Red.”

“It is. Was.” The gears and wheels turning inside Alice’s head locked into place as realization sank in. Meeting Takumi had challenged everything she thought she knew about herself, made her work to find out who she was on a fundamental level. He challenged her in the best way possible, wholly unaware of the effect he had on her, pushing her so far out of her comfort zone she had to question everything. She had discovered, no, was still discovering, who she was now, who she wanted to be, what she could and could not handle. He had given her a reason to reconnect with herself.

Feenie had been right—this, he, would always be someone she would want to remember.

“You exceeded my Cutie Code,” she said. “You’re the reason why I retired it. I don’t need it anymore.”

NOOOOO she should keep her cutie code! don’t throw it away fro some boy! even a great boy! it’s too good!

“I need to tell you something.” She took a step back. “Like, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it because I need to tell you this first.”

O H S H I T HERE IT COMES

i know this is probably a happy book and he’ll accept her but i’m still so stressed out

“So you know how some people like jogging?”

“I’m one of those people, so yes.”

“Ah, yeah, okay. That worked out.” Her breathy laugh sounded forced. “So, you see, I am not one of those people. I don’t care about jogging.”

“Mmm…” He squinted at her for a moment. “Somehow, I knew that.”

“Oh, great. Good. This is going well.” Her hands began to shake. She pressed her fingers to her lips to steel herself before continuing. “Now take the word jogging and replace it with sex.”

“You don’t like sex?”

(Wow, he asked that fast.)

“No.” She held up her hand. “No, the correct sentence is I don’t care about sex.” She took a deep breath and held it. “Because I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”

HTAT’S A GREAT ANALOGY

that’s much better than my “i’m the way gay guys feel about girls and the way gay girls feel about guys all at the same time”

“Huh,” he said, face neutral. “I thought you were bisexual.”

“I am. Minus the sexual.” She waited, watching him process through her answer. She waited for the judgment, the questions, the confusion, the thoughtful concern followed by the inevitable interruptions. Second by second, it dawned on her that she waited in vain because he was waiting for her. “My sexuality is nope.” She laughed with relief because still, second by second, he continued to wait, to listen. So she laughed again, tiny bubbles of happy that floated out of her.

HES LISTENING TO HER I LOVE THIS NOBODY ELSE BOTHERED BUT HE’S LISTENING

“How many people have you told?”

“Explicitly? You’re number four. Feenie, Ryan, and a counselor I’m seeing.”

Takumi started to speak but closed his mouth and stood up straight, focusing on the counter. Each second he didn’t look at her made tiny seeds of dread bloom in the depths of her soul. “That’s why you’re happy,” he mumbled. He nodded as if he couldn’t stop and sighed before looking at her again. His eyes had taken on a glossy, reddened tint.

“Thank you for trusting me. Realizing that, um,” Takumi said, pausing for a moment, “that hit me kind of hard.”

“What do you mean?” Alice asked quietly.

“Four. Obviously, you’ve been keeping this a secret for a reason.”

She hadn’t been thinking about trust when she told him. Ryan and Feenie had been there when she figured it out (thank God). Dr. Burris had to pry it out of her, didn’t he? And she still couldn’t say the word properly to him. Telling Takumi had been a choice—not by chance or out of necessity. It was her decision, completely on her own.

(She trusted him.)

htis fucking book hasnt made me cry in like a dozen chapters and i thought the heavy shit was over but nooooooo

and like lol i keep saying this text is calling me out...not to get personal, Again, but literally u realize stuff about urself when you read shit like this...i always play like i’m so comfortable with everything but the truth is i put ace on my profile and let other people google it and it has nothing to do with me i never see it--i dont think i’ve ever told ANYBODY irl so like...tbh i couldn’t get it out as well as she did i bet like you go alice

“I wasn’t trying to have sex with you the other night,” he said. “And I am so, so sorry if I made you feel that way.”

He was so close and so far away, as if there was an imaginary pane of glass between them. She wanted him to hug her and make the tension go away.

“No, I didn’t think that at all. That’s not why I told you.”

“This should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, partly because I want to, but also because I think you need to hear it. If knowing you’re asexual makes someone see you differently, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. My feelings for you are exactly the same as they were an hour ago. This doesn’t change anything between us.”

HEYYYYYYYYYY YEAH!!!!! i’m so happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!! if anybody ever said anything like this to me i’d die on the spot!!!!!!!! YOU GO ALICE

gotta break this post here bc it’s getting long again, hopefully i can finish the rest of the book before dawn & in the next one

#personal #LTAL