Rhea's Curse, Pt 5
The following day, Kara puts off visiting Lena. Their conversation from the day before weighs heavy on her heart. That she had gotten so wrapped up in spending time with Lena that she'd lost sight of the identity she was supposed to maintain leaves her uncertain, unsteady in the identities she's so carefully crafted for herself.
But the worst part-- the part that breaks Kara's heart-- is that she'd let Lena believe her best friend no longer cared about her. It's that realization that eventually leads her to bite the bullet and finally visit Lena.
It's late evening when Kara knocks on Lena's door, fiddling with her glasses as she anxiously waits. She doesn't have to wait long.
The door opens, and Lena's features open in surprise for a split second before she surges forward and envelops Kara in a fierce hug right there in the hallway.
The embrace soon turns desperate, Lena's arms tightening as she fights the tears Kara feels building in her friend's chest. Her lips move in silent apology against Kara's shoulder, repeating it over and over.
When she finally pulls away Lena's eyes glint with tears, and she sniffles pitifully as she wipes them away. Her mouth opens to speak, only to remember a moment later that her voice is gone. She begins to sign, then stops herself in frustration before lifting her finger in a signal to pause.
Miming a scribble in her hand, Lena turns away, presumably to find a notepad.
Because Kara Danvers has no reason or expectation to know the sign language Lena has worked so hard to learn.
"Lena! Lena, wait," Kara says, her voice edging on desperate. She reaches for her friend, nearly catching Lena's wrists before diverting to either side of Lena's waist to pull her back.
As much as she longs to hold her friend's hands, she refuses to take away her last means of communication. She won't silence Lena any further.
"I--" Suddenly, Kara doesn't know what to say. A million words flash through her mind: platitudes, both heartfelt and not; I've missed you; I'm sorry I didn't visit sooner. But they all evaporate before Kara can think to speak them.
All but one.
"There's--" Kara's voice breaks. She swallows thickly and tries again. "There's something I need to tell you."
The words are out of her mouth before she can think to censor them. As soon as they are, though, she feels a sense of rightness settle in her bones. She knows it's the right thing to do, even as her heart thunders with apprehension at what Lena's reaction might be.
Dive.
Cat Grant's voice echoes in her ears. With a deep breath, Kara does.
She dives.
"I'm," Kara signs silently, pressing her hand to her chest before closing it into a fist and and pushes it across her body and up towards her shoulder.
Lena blinks, as though puzzled by what the sign could mean, before it clicks that it's her own sign.
A flying S.
Even then, she doesn't seem to register what Kara is trying to say. So Kara tries again.
"I'm Supergirl," she says aloud, repeating the two signs. Unbidden tears burn at the back of her eyes, but she persists. "I'm Supergirl."
Finally, it hits. Lena's eyes widen, and her lips part in a silent gape. Her hands fall still, speechless.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Kara rambles on, fighting to keep her voice steady as tears rasp against her throat. "At first it was just about keeping my identity secret, keeping you and my friends and family safe, but then... then I was worried about what you'd think of me, if you knew. And..."
Kara's voice wobbles audibly. Her hands have given up attempts to sign, and have found purchase in the sides of Lena's sweater, clinging to her.
"I was afraid, and I-- I couldn't lose you, Lena."
Lena simply stares, her eyes wide and unblinking.
"But then I almost did," Kara continues, the words pouring from her in a deluge. "I almost lost you, and I-- I was so scared I wouldn't get you back, and...."
This time it's Kara's turn to sniffle, wiping her eyes to clear the tears from them. She looks at Lena with trepidation.
"Please say something."
For a long moment, nothing happens. Lena's expression doesn't shift except to blink, shock still plain on her face. When she finally does move, Kara expects her to draw, already loosens her grip to let her do so. But instead Lena moves closer, and pulls Kara into another firm hug.
Kara almost bursts into fresh tears as she melts into Lena's forgiveness. Her acceptance. She wraps her arms around Lena's waist and rests her head on her friend's shoulder, savoring the contact for as long as Lena will hold it.
When they finally part, Lena offers a tentative smile.
"Thank you," she signs. She then taps her temple, and brings her hand down to tap her fists one on top of the other.
Thank you for trusting me.
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Simple Mistakes & Simple Touches
Word Count: 1,405
(I told my buddy @turniptitaness about an idea/AU where River tutors Payton in American Sign Language as opposed to Mandarin. So, here that sweet, sweet Hobarkley goodness is!)
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Payton feels good about his choice of American Sign Language as his foreign language credit.
So far, it's helped him get a head-start in getting his agenda out to the entire student body. It's helping him to set his place as an inclusive candidate.
A candidate who's more likely to win during next year's race for student body president, even if it's premature right now.
Though, his tutor, River, makes him want to change to something else entirely, so he doesn't have to spend time alone with him.
His tutoring sessions with River are never just tutoring, Payton learns that very quickly.
It started with the first lesson, where Payton’s hands had shaken with a new type of anxiety inside of him, meaning he had to repeat himself over and over again to get his signing right.
He wasn't anxious around many people, no one ever intimidated him.
Payton intimidated others, filling up a room with his presence.
But River, a smooth, deep voice and a friendly face, being honest and able to show vulnerability in every way that Payton cannot... it intimidated him a whole hell of a lot.
Next to River, Payton felt small.
Emotionally and metaphorically, but also literally when he had to sit so close to him.
Their first lesson was bad enough, with Payton feeling so small next to him on the bench at the foot of his bed.
He also felt so safe at the same time, which confused him from the get-go.
Small and safe.
But then, it only got worse when River reached over to turn Payton's hand around the right way, a simple mistake that Payton would initially regret, but come to find gratitude in as time went on.
A simple mistake that resulted in a simple touch, River's hand against his.
A touch that means nothing, a touch that any other tutor would've provided.
But Payton couldn't shake the feeling that hit him, sinking in his heart, like an anchor to a chain on a boat.
Keeping the boat steady, but also rigid and unable to move.
River could see something change, Payton's confident, room-filling presence deflating.
"Why are you so tense?" He had asked.
No one had ever asked that question, no one could see the tension he carries with him, the stress and strain he masks as drive and ambition.
Payton was taken aback, meekly asking in return,
"How do you know I'm tense?"
River just knows, he has barely had a full conversation with Payton before now, but he can read him like a book.
He also has observed, in what he says next, that Payton doesn't seem very happy.
Payton tries to be happy, he has a lot to be grateful for, a lot of privilege to his name, the best team he could've ever asked for and the most wonderful lady on his arm.
But he can't act like he pulls all-nighters for the campaign alone.
Sure, he gets a lot of work done when the house is quiet and the world is at rest, but he also can't be faced with his demons and self-doubting, self-loathing thoughts if he's wide awake, typing away on his laptop or scribbling down ideas in a notebook.
He desperately tries to be happy, so does River.
It's hard for both of them, painful for both of them.
Their pain bonds them and being confronted with it makes Payton cry.
He never cries if he can help it, but now, he can't.
He's helpless to all of this vulnerability, blinking hard and brushing away his tears.
River, almost cautiously, brushes a tear away.
Another soft touch that makes Payton's cold heart ache.
Maybe it's what he needed, to feel vulnerable like this.
River seems to think so.
It begs the question, what does River need?
Payton asks him directly and he's met with a sentence that he's never seen before. Words in ASL he has seen before, but when they're strung together by River, it's a sentence that he dumbly has to squint at.
But he figures it out quickly, River is asking if he can kiss him.
Payton is nodding before his mind can protest anything, before he can figure out every reason why he shouldn't be doing this.
River's hand is on his cheek, Payton thinks he could cry enough tears to fix a drought somewhere in the world because of that.
He feels sickness in his stomach, cruel emptiness when River ends their kiss and let's go of his cheek.
River brushes another tear away and thinks of brushing away another one after it, but he doesn't.
He stops himself while he's ahead and stands up to walk out of the room, leaving Payton with,
"See you next time."
Next time.
Payton stays on the bench at the foot of his bed for a while, thinking while his mind is blank.
Next time comes around fast, too fast yet not fast enough.
The same time the following week.
Payton feels that sickness in his stomach, though it isn't emptiness, it's butterflies.
Stupid little fluttering butterflies, excitement to see River.
He pays these butterflies no mind and goes on with his lesson.
Maybe it's for the sake of improving quicker, or to impress River, though he of course won't admit it, Payton has had his eyes in his ASL textbook everyday for the past week, teaching himself words that will help him in particular.
Words regarding to politics, so he can ramble about his dream without having to say word if he wants to.
When the time comes to begin and Payton shows him what he's learned on his own, River is impressed, whether it is Payton's intention or not.
Impressed and proud.
He lets Payton explain his plans for the world, having to help him every few minutes.
It's little mistakes that Payton is making, little moments where River's hand touches his.
He doesn't know if he wants to get better to make no mistakes or regress to make every mistake.
River had a lesson in mind, a way he wanted their conversation to go according to his textbook, but his heart is full of too much pride to stop Payton from going on and on.
Having River look at him so adoringly, so proudly, praising him for his quick learning makes Payton bashfully proud of himself.
He takes a break, ending his rambling for now and River's heart is full of love.
It's no question that he feels something for Payton, that's what their first kiss was for.
River being drawn to Payton and his vulnerability, being real and expressing pain, even though it's incredibly hard for him.
River wants to kiss Payton again and when he asks the same way as the first time, Payton nods again, though this time, he's sure of himself.
He's been praised before, countless times, but hearing it from River does something so beautiful to his sinking heart.
For a fleeting moment, Payton's heart is lifted in his chest, floating up when River's hand touches his cheek again.
River, same as last time, let's Payton go, or he at least attempts to.
Payton doesn't let him, pulling him back in, because he doesn't want his heart to sink back down into the depths of him, where all those butterflies live.
Those butterflies that scare him, but do not matter right now.
They flutter around, going back and forth in his stomach.
When Payton finally does let him go, River looks dizzy, stunned and smiling.
Their tutoring sessions stay on track ninety-five- alright, eighty-five- seventy-five percent of the time.
The other twenty-five percent gets derailed quickly, with Payton using his knowledge to ask River, "Please" and later, minutes or hours later, to tell him, "Thank you".
Their pain bonds them, but they'll both be damned if their love doesn't bond them, too.
Their strong connection, an innate understanding of one another.
It's a beautiful thing, a truly beautiful thing.
Payton never becomes fluent in ASL, but he becomes better than where he started, shaking and nervous.
He can hold a basic conversation, with the help of River, even when he actually doesn't need help.
River does catch onto that, Payton making mistakes on purpose.
He finds it humorous, sweet, even.
With every mistake and the soft touch that follows, River is there to help Payton, always.
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