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distantdreamboy · 1 year

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So, I guess I did a lil heart chakra clearing?

the home's beauty means nothing if it never gets warm inside.

For as long as I can remember family time has made me uneasy. So of course I was apprehensive when I was invited to hang out for a "day", whereas I usually tap-out after a few hours. But, I agreed after only two hours of fiery internal conflict. My conversations with my mom are empty, void of any personal information. Admittedly, it's mostly my doing--a self-protection tactic against her incessant and anxiety-fueled criticisms, jabs, or questions. We can hit strides but I flashback to my childhood almost every time.

She had a well-deserved period of growth in her life and suddenly tried to develop a warm well-intentioned relationship. Which wouldn't have really been problem had she addressed the emotional abuse I faced the two dozen times I'd brought it up. That's all. But it makes me angry when she'd blame me for being distant, not once asking hmm, I wonder what I could've done do make my son not answer the phone? Anyway. So, walking back to the train after a long day and another forced moment of affection I asked her "why do you act like that?" to which she replied that it makes her happy to have me around because I dont come around much. I told her it makes me feel "weird" and she encouraged me to elaborate. So I did.

Staring straight ahead, I told her that I never felt like she really liked me growing up. Of course I got the "nooo, of course I did", so I elaborated further. Told her that she didn't like all of me, just what I showed her. That I knew how to shrink, that she criticized everything I enjoyed so I kept it to myself. That literally everyone had something to say and I would've liked to come home and be affirmed but they instead reinforced it. She's said "sorry" before and it's only helped *this* much but this time felt different. I didn't get the "well I did the best I could" or "well what about what you did". It felt...humble, honest. She said that she tried hard to protect me from these things and create a home I could be comfortable in, but she wasn't able to. She thanked me for telling her because that's something she couldn't do with her mother. She said that back then she wasn't happy. She was trapped in a situation where the person she depended on (see: mother) treated her horribly and it affected how she treated me. We were all stuck in there. It was circumstantial. That felt real.

We finally got onto the train trying to hold back our tears. I kept reiterating that I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings or rag on her, and she kept reiterating that its okay and that I needed to express how I felt. I let her know that it confused me when she tried to bond with me. She told me that her life plan always included both of us, and when I isolate her she feels guilty because she wants to share the good things with me. I told her I didn't come around to protect myself from more hurt, from another comment. That I felt ashamed of myself. That I do my makeup sometimes and I like jewelry, and she rejected that--so it made no sense for me to come around. We keep sitting in the same room looking through the air trying to find the thread that binds us. She asked me if the family is a trigger, I said yes, and she nodded. She said that she better understands self-acceptance and acceptance of another. I usually try to cut our conversations short but how badly I wanted this one to continue. "Thank you for telling me, i don't want you to be hurting and I can't help" "I'm hurting". Before she got on the train home she hugged me, held me and said "I love you, all of you. As you are."

Which, was nice to hear. And easy to say. But we'll have to see.

#thoughts #as I ramble #moms

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bokkerijder · 4 months

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pro-AI in the sense of "they taught a bread scanning computer to recognize cancer cells" etc etc

against AI in the sense of "we stole artwork from hundreds to thousands of artists, didn't credit them and didn't financially compensate them"

#rambles '24 #ok to reblog btw #all my posts are ok to reblog #if not i would make them unrebloggable lmao #edit: i am a fool #i said that thinking this would maybe get 5 notes or something #and now we're here lol

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princeshilo · 1 month

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sometimes im like "wow holy shit im being really fucking annoying. i should stop talking" and then i pull out my magic 8 ball and it says "youve always been annoying and your friends chose to talk you anyways. youll be fine" and im like wow thanks magic 8 ball. and then the ogre attacks me

#found this beautiful gem in my drafts and couldnt let her go to waste #frog rambles #idk whay this is about. or if its anything. but i think its funny

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bonesandthebees · 2 months

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one of the most infuriating things about becoming an adult is when you realize that it actually is 10x easier to solve problems by making a phone call vs literally any other communication method

#I was forced to get over my hatred of making phone calls bc of this #one 15 minute phone call is the equivalent of 5 back and forth emails #also if you don't know exactly what you need help with you can just ask and you can get real help #instead of just desperately clawing at faqs on websites #it's infuriating that it works so well #ramblings

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tariah23 · 4 months

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Oh…. Well, it’s over for Crunchyroll I guess

#Crunchyroll #piracy #funimation #money hungry ass streaming service #rambling #I’ve never paid for a streaming service in my life thank god #I appreciated using others accounts but I personally cannot see myself paying this much for a service if I had the funds 😭!#get back to pirating kings!!!#anime has always been one of the easiest forms of media to pirate anyway so y’all got this #CR is definitely not worth paying for though #CR is certainly not worth paying this much for even if it’s a yearly one time fee #capitalism #the fact that CR has always had pretty bad quality as a streaming service anyway #it buffers every time you pause or rewind anything

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jellyjamheadobb · 1 month

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#I love this sm #rey rambles #meme #memes #dumb shit #relatable memes #funny #funny memes #lol #best memes #tumblr memes #humor #dank memes #haha #twitter memes

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some-pers0n · 5 months

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I hate how people will look at popular indie artists who had one or two songs go viral on TikTok and start making fun of anybody who listens to them. "Oh you listen to Lemon Demon, Will Wood, Jack Stauber, Glass Animals, and Mother Mother? Tsk, don't you know that is stupid TikTok neurodivergent white transmasc preteen music? It's so mid and bad you should listen to real music–" you are a pit of misery

#I'm going to be real with you I think anybody who hates on Will Wood has only heard like thirty seconds of it #will wood #lemon demon #mother mother #jack stauber #sp-rambles #glass animals

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cadaverkeys · 5 months

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You guys rlly don't realise how much knowledge is still not committed to the internet. I find books all the time with stuff that is impossible to find through a search engine- most people do not put their magnum opus research online for free and the more niche a skill is the less likely you are to have people who will leak those books online. (Nevermind all the books written prior to the internet that have knowledge that is not considered "relevant" enough to digitise).

Whenever people say that we r growing up with all the world's knowledge at our fingertips...it's not necessarily true. Is the amount of knowledge online potentially infinite? Yes. Is it all knowledge? No. You will be surprised at the niche things you can discover at a local archive or library.

#rambles #if you are a person who is into delicate skills #like lacemaking or printing or sewing #you will know fair well just how non expansive the knowledge online is in comparison to written guides from like the 50s #there was a time where at least one person in the household had to know a constructive skill #but in the modern day there is just less ans less demands for comprehensive guides #library propaganda #im stuck doing an essay rn but bc i have covid i cant go to the library and its totally fucked me #i want to source a lot of the stuff i read irl but i just cant go and get it and theres no online ver

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goldensunset · 5 months

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#peach rambles #hall of fame i guess #unreality #apparently i made an unintentional star trek reference?

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yiga-hellhole · 7 months

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me when i have like 20 notifications in the span of five minutes and when i go check its just the same guy rapidfire liking and reblogging posts

#madman's rambling #i love you guys #do some of you have notifications on or something?

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theygender · 3 months

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Having a vagina honestly sucks bc it's like you have to do fucking alchemy just to prevent yourself from getting sick. You've got an intricate ecosystem of microorganisms down there that you're dependent on for your own well-being and they can be set off by the tiniest fucking thing

Keeping your pubes too short can cause yeast infections, but letting them get too long can also cause yeast infections. Washing the area with specialized soap can help prevent yeast infections, but it can also cause them. Your periods can cause yeast infections, and so can the medicine you take to stop your periods. Having sex can cause yeast infections, especially if the person you're having sex with is diabetic (???). Being diabetic can cause yeast infections. Wearing the wrong clothes or eating the wrong things can cause yeast infections. Not getting enough fucking sleep can cause yeast infections. The list is neverending

Luckily, yeast infections are fairly easy to treat with OTC medicine that you can find at any Walmart. BUT! Even if all of your symptoms indicate that you have a yeast infection, you have to take a test first to confirm that it's a yeast infection (they do not sell the tests at Walmart) bc you might actually have the opposite of a yeast infection (bacterial vaginosis) which has the exact same symptoms as a yeast infection but is caused by an imbalance of different microorganisms. And if you use yeast infection medicine to treat a bacterial infection it will light your pussy on fire. So if you have a bacterial infection, you must instead visit your local witch doctor (gynecologist) and get prescribed special potions (antibiotics) to treat it

Antibiotics can also cause yeast infections

#rambling #uhh #tmi #request to tag #i wonder if a vaginectomy would prevent yeast infections permanently #greatest hits

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lazylittledragon · 4 months

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can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

#ramble #if you say unalive in front of me i will personally kill you with my hands #you just can't muffle and censor and hold someone's hand through some things #some things are horrible. and they should be spoken aloud and they should upset you. because they are horrible #the second we started kidzbopifying the world was the end of taking anything seriously i think #i'm not even joking i've spoken to people older than me who won't even say the world sex #this isn't the playground you're not going to get in trouble just let us say the word!!!!!!#how am i supposed to listen to you when you won't even say the thing you're supposed to be talking about #yes this is the fault of the platforms with their censorship rules but the fact that we all just go along with it like it's not dystopian #you do know it doesn't stop with cursing right. people are already having to censor queer terms because they get flagged as inappropriate

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secondbeatsongs · 10 months

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somehow instead of saying "as a treat", I've started using the phrase "for morale", as if my body is a ship and its crew, and I (the captain) have to keep us in high spirits, lest we suffer a mutiny in the coming days.

and so I will eat this small block of fancy cheese, for morale. I will take a break and drink some tea, for morale. I will pick up that weird bug, for morale.

I'm not sure if it helps, but it does entertain me

#personal #sbs rambles #eta: the people tagging this with leverage are correct by the way #love that show so much #hug for morale!#but that's not what started me doing this I think #hmmm

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violetsandshrikes · 4 months

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