#anyways crowley’s an optimist and that’s deeply personal to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

createserenity · 6 months

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Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship dynamic fascinates me and what fascinates me even more is how people perceive them, partly because I seem to have a much more optimistic view of their dynamic than a lot of what I read suggests they do.

With that in mind I started trying to unpick how I see their dynamic and why and what I ended up with was a series of rambles on various aspects, including confidence, trust, silliness and what they ask of each other. This one is about what they ask of each other and why their relationship isn't some weird one-sided thing where Crowley gives Aziraphale everything he could possibly want or ask for.

I see a lot of posts and things suggesting Crowley always rolls over and does anything Aziraphale asks of him. I don’t know to what extent most people really believe this or if it’s just a fun joke (and I’m not saying that’s bad, I think it’s a fun joke too, I love reading all that stuff and it makes me laugh). The point I wanted to make here though is that I don’t think it’s true and also why I don’t think it’s true.

Everything from here on out is my opinion, but I won’t keep stating that in order to make it more easily readable, just take it as a given. If your opinion is different that’s absolutely fine, I love that we can all see this stuff in different ways depending on our experiences and personalities, it’s why the fandom is so fun. (It’s also why my opinion on so many things in season two ricochets wildly from one theory to another).

So back to Crowley and Aziraphale – I don’t think Aziraphale walks all over Crowley, or certainly not to the extent that people sometimes think he does. Also Crowley doesn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to be walked all over anyway. Why is this even relevant? Because I’ve seen people say that in the final 15 minutes Aziraphale finally asked Crowley to do something that pushed him over the edge and that Aziraphale was shocked when Crowley didn’t roll over and do it because Crowley always does what Aziraphale asks. This isn’t at all true for a start, but also this view tends to include a second assumption, which is that their relationship is one-sided and Aziraphale never does anything for Crowley, that he dismisses him and takes him for granted, which also is not true in a lot of ways. I think it’s a fundamental misinterpretation of their relationship dynamic.

First of all why can Crowley’s actions be interpreted as just rolling over and doing whatever Aziraphale wants? Well, the answer to that is three-fold – firstly Crowley is a genuinely unselfish in many ways, he does things for people because that’s the way he is, it doesn’t make him a pushover, it just makes him nice. Secondly he loves Aziraphale deeply. Whether he knows it or not doesn’t matter, he cares for Aziraphale and wants him to be happy. This isn’t the same as being a complete doormat, it’s simply compromising with the person you are in a relationship with and occasionally prioritising them over yourself. Both these things come together in the third thing, which is that Crowley’s love language is acts of service – he enjoys doing nice things for Aziraphale, he enjoys rescuing him, or going along with him and letting him have his own way, so why not do it? The point is he’s never railroaded into it by Aziraphale, it’s always a deliberate choice. He is literally saying, I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you.

How does Aziraphale see this behaviour?

Well that’s a tricky one, because in many ways Aziraphale is the more complex character, not least because he changes the most over the course of their history together. Is there a slight element of him taking Crowley for granted in some of their interactions, especially in season two? Possibly, but mostly I don’t think that’s it at all. When someone gives you things because their love language is acts of service you develop a (mostly sub-conscious) confidence in that relationship dynamic and if you also have confidence in yourself (which Aziraphale absolutely does – I’ll write more on this another time) then when you want something you ask for things. You ask not because you learn to expect, but because you think you’re worthy of asking and you think that your relationship is strong enough to stand up to the ask. I ask my husband for things all the time, sometimes they’re things I know he’ll give me – these are easy asks (I don’t just mean physical objects, I also mean acts of service such as helping me with something), sometimes though I’ll ask for things knowing he probably won’t give me that thing or without having a clue what his answer will be – these are harder asks, the sort you don’t do early on in relationships because they might break it either in one go or over time. Sometimes a hard ask results in me getting what I want, sometimes it results in a bit of back and forth before I get what I want, sometimes I get a no and I’m temporarily annoyed or upset, sometimes I get a no and I accept it because I knew it was the most likely outcome.

The point is that I ask, and so does Aziraphale. You ask because you have confidence that you are worthy of the ask and also that your relationship is strong enough to bear the request, even if the answer is no. Can a no still be annoying or upsetting? Yes absolutely. Can a no still be wrong on the part of the other person? Also yes. The point is that sometimes the no isn’t wrong and it doesn’t necessarily break the relationship. By the time season two comes along Aziraphale is confident enough in his relationship with Crowley to feel it can bear the weight of him asking.

So what happens when he asks? Does Crowley roll over?

Well no, he doesn’t. One big example of this is right at the beginning of the series, in episode one. Here Aziraphale makes a massive ask of Crowley and he knows it’s a big ask. Even before he tells Crowley what the problem is he’s aware of the possibility of a no. “Is it something I can help you with?” Crowley sayss, and Aziraphale merely shrugs. It’s not because Nina is there, she’s gone by that point. It’s also not because he doesn’t have faith in Crowley’s ability to help him, he always has faith in Crowley’s abilities (this is a whole other thing on trust). What he’s doubting is whether Crowley will help him. It’s why they’re meeting in the café, not the bookshop. He wants to break this one to Crowley a bit at a time – there’s a problem and I need help. I want your help, it’s why I called you, but you aren’t going to like it and I’m not even sure whether you will help so I’m establishing that I need help first, rather than showing you Gabriel immediately, so that you aren’t completely surprised when I present the whole problem to you.

Once they go to the bookshop and Crowley is confronted with Gabriel he offers the help he feels able to give by saying that he’ll drive Gabriel somewhere and dump him. He’s stating his willingness to help (which is important later), but for now he’ll only help in one specific way. What he isn’t willing to do is any more than that, not even for Aziraphale.

Help me take care of Gabriel. Help me sort this mess out, Aziraphale says, and what does Crowley say? No. Absolutely not. You’re on your own with this one. Even after Aziraphale practically begs him for help, complete with puppy dog eyes and the magic word, “I’d love you to help me,” Crowley still says no. That is not the reply of someone who lets themselves be walked all over or who rolls over every time the angel they’re in love with flutters their eyelashes.

Okay so what about the fact that he returns? Well, the stakes have been raised: for a start Aziraphale is now directly in danger, which alters the balance in favour of helping him, and remember he was already willing to help, he said as much, but he was previously only willing to help in one way. Now that’s changed. Doing things you wouldn’t normally do for someone you love when the stakes are raised is a perfectly normal rection in a relationship and does not indicate an unhealthy dynamic. Crowley has now realised that getting rid of Gabriel is no longer an option - his preferred plan (dumping Gabriel somewhere) will no longer work, so the only choice is now Aziraphale’s plan of keeping him in the bookshop and taking care of him.

This is why he returns.

A quick note on the call

Just backtracking a bit here – when Aziraphale calls Crowley to ask him for help Crowley agrees to be over in two minutes. It’s instant, no questions asked and at first glance looks like Aziraphale calls and Crowley comes running just because. But nope. Later we are very clearly told that Crowley knows something is wrong the moment he picks up the phone and Aziraphale starts speaking, “This was your ‘Something’s Wrong’ voice.” Crowley already knows there’s a problem and what do you do when your closest friend calls you and tells you about a problem? You try to help. Whether that’s advice, comfort, physically going around to help out or whatever the situation calls for. Of course Crowley says he’ll be there in two minutes, he doesn’t exactly have anything else on and his friend has just indirectly told him something is wrong. He’d be a pretty shitty person/entity if he didn’t agree to drop round and try to help.

So what about the 'I was wrong' dance?

This whole interaction, that many people say indicates how under the thumb he is actually shows us the exact opposite. What’s the first thing Crowley says when Aziraphale asks him to do the dance? “I don’t do the dance.” This tells us a hell of a lot about their relationship dynamic up to this point – for a start Aziraphale has clearly done the dance before, at Crowley’s request, and he lists off the occasions. The dance is silly and slightly demeaning and Aziraphale has done it several times for Crowley, whilst Crowley has never done it, yet somehow we read this whole scene as Crowley being the whipped one? Um. No. Also heavily implied in Crowley’s, “I don’t do the dance” statement is, You’ve asked me to do this before, I’ve always said no because I don’t want to. You’ve always accepted my no before and I want (expect!) you to accept it this time.

But this time Aziraphale doesn’t accept the no. Just like Crowley wouldn’t go along with his plan earlier, Aziraphale now won’t go along with Crowley’s no. Clearly he has done so in the past, but this time their dynamics are different. They’ve been much more open about their friendship for the past four years, they’ve both accepted that they are at least close friends, if not more. They’ve saved the world together and saved each other. They both acknowledge they “carved (this existence) out for ourselves” and that brings strength to their relationship. Now that Aziraphale has more confidence in what they are to each other, he takes that confidence and tests the limits of what Crowley will do for him, to push them more towards equality. Why should he always be the one to do the dance? Crowley responds by acquiescing not because he would just roll over and do anything for Aziraphale but because he recognises three things. Firstly that Aziraphale is pushing and that this is new and that this means something to him in the context of their relationship, secondly because he reluctantly accepts Aziraphale’s point that it isn’t really fair that he never does it, and finally because the request for him to do the dance isn’t about him refusing to help (Aziraphale was never certain he would), it’s about the fact that he’s broken Aziraphale’s trust by refusing to help (which is a slightly and very subtly different thing). To illustrate this, right before Crowley does the dance, just after he says “fine,” he gets this very brief, soft look on his face – this is him acknowledging to himself that Aziraphale deserves this dance, that he loves the angel and that he’s doing this because of both those things – he could have continued to insist on a no, he clearly has before, but this time he chooses not to.

I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you.

All right, what about the car thing?

What about it? Lending your car to the person you love is very normal. Ok so the car means more to Crowley than a normal car does to us, but the point still stands. Aziraphale is making a reasonable request here. Does he expect a yes? Absolutely, because he also knows it’s a reasonable request given where their relationship is. Does he flirt to get his own way? Hell, yes. Does Crowley know exactly what Aziraphale is playing at? Also a hell yes. And Crowley totally plays up to it, he’s not as opposed to it as he claims. He’s playing up his “no” and his grumpiness for effect, to encourage Aziraphale’s silly flirtiness. Look at the difference between this no and the no he gave Aziraphale earlier. There’s no anger here, there’s no real sense that he thinks Aziraphale is asking too much, he’s playing a role in their relationship and they’ve both played this game before. Look at that little slap of the hand, which Aziraphale responds to equally playfully. The game even continues after Muriel turns up at the shop, when it’s already quite clear that Crowley is going to let Aziraphale use the car (he’s already taking the plants out). Even in the back-room Crowley still teasingly grumbles about trains whilst Aziraphale smiles flirtily, and Crowley playfully withholds the car keys when Muriel interrupts them. They both know Aziraphale is going to end up with them, there’s no point to him not directly handing them over in spite of the interruption, it’s just an excuse to tease Aziraphale back. I mean, look at him – he spends the rest of the conversation wiggling his hips, grinning smugly and confidently handling the Muriel problem by talking about love. Aziraphale’s very overt reaction tells you all you need to know about the dynamic of this one.

Two can play at this flirting game, angel.

But he follows him around like a little puppy!

Well, yes and no. Sure he follows him around whilst he goes around asking all the shopkeepers to the meeting, but he does that because it’s fun for him. He’s curious, Aziraphale is acting oddly, doing something he’s never done before and Crowley wants to know what it is. He’s always found him fascinating – what silly and ridiculous thing is the angel up to now?

Also wanting to hang out with the person you are in love with isn’t at all strange or a sign you are in some sort of weird relationship where only one of you calls the shots. It’s normal. Crowley knows Aziraphale has a tendency to be silly or do unexpected things and he wants to watch him do them and also flirt with him whilst he’s doing them. Looking grumpy and reacting to Aziraphale’s silliness with disbelief is how Crowley flirts-without-flirting. Both of them know, understand and like that dynamic, and he has that role not because he’s unhealthy levels enthralled with everything Aziraphale does but because of the levels of trust they have spent millennia establishing.

What Crowley doesn’t do is wait around for Aziraphale. Look at the scene where Aziraphale daydreams about Job. In that scene he’s aware Aziraphale has something else to show him (the record clue), but he doesn’t stick around whilst Aziraphale ignores him. He could have sat down somewhere in the shop and waited – he’s got an eternity, waiting an hour or so is no big deal, but waiting around like that would suggest he really is a doormat, just waiting for the next time Aziraphale shows him any attention. He doesn’t do that, instead he goes off and does… well, something. There’s a lot of speculation over what it is, but whether he goes off to read Pride and Prejudice or just wanders off to find something more interesting to look at than the back of Aziraphale’s head, he’s clearly saying here that he has a life outside of whatever Aziraphale wants to do.

Also side note - you know what else he doesn’t do for Aziraphale? Adjust his driving style. Aziraphale clearly hates it, it makes him nervous and he even asks Crowley to change several times whilst they’re in the car together, but Crowley never does. This is how I am angel, accept it or don’t, but this is the line and I’m not changing this for you. Related to this is his refusal to accept Aziraphale altering the Bentley. Aziraphale tries to persuade him, “But it’s pretty,” and Crowley really isn’t having it. It’s another hard line and he’s not going to let Aziraphale cross it.

Anything else?

There’s a few other examples that I’ve seen listed in the, “Crowley does whatever Aziraphale says/wants” evidence piles. Things like Aziraphale assuming he’s going to get the drinks in the pub. Well, someone has to get them, and it makes perfect sense that they both assume it’s Crowley here because he’s the one more comfortable with pubs. Having a role that you take on within certain situations in a relationship is healthy and normal, imagine how exhausting it would be to debate who is going to do every little thing all of the time.

In the first series the coat cleaning is another example often cited, but this is something Crowley is perfectly happy to do. Aziraphale is flirting, which is delightful, and he’s not being asked to do anything difficult or dangerous. I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you, which is totally different from, you always ask, I always give, and you always take.

What about Aziraphale. When does he give?

All the damn time. We just don’t notice it as much because Crowley asks different things of him. His love language is acts of service towards others, but he doesn’t really ask or require them in return. Sometimes he gets them from Aziraphale anyway (Holy water anyone?) Also notably in the Globe Theatre when he’s clearly the one pushing the Arrangement, and Aziraphale more or less agrees to do his work for him (“That doesn’t sound like hard work”) even before he’s asked, before they’ve gone through their little dance of Crowley pushing and Aziraphale supposedly-reluctantly agreeing.

The other things Aziraphale gives Crowley are much more nuanced, and much less measurable to us as the audience, but he gives them constantly, or more or less constantly, throughout their relationship. He gives him acceptance (although he occasionally partially withdraws it, such as in the bandstand scene), his silliness (which is more important than it first appears), a safe space (not just the bookshop, but also a safe space for Crowley to air his real views without fear of consequence, which is important irrespective of whether or not he persuades Aziraphale to agree with him), his physicality (by 1826 he’s really in Crowley’s space so much of the time) and most importantly he gives Crowley himself. Crowley constantly pushes Aziraphale to grow as a person, it’s one of the original reasons he entertains developing a friendship with him. What he asks of Aziraphale is for Aziraphale to think – really think – about what he believes. And Aziraphale does so, but only for Crowley. Humans have constantly questioned religious beliefs throughout history, they’ve written books, made speeches and even had wars over religious doctrine and the problems, inconsistencies and absurdities within it. Crowley is saying nothing to Aziraphale that he won’t already have indirectly heard from humans and dismissed or ignored. But when Crowley says it, he thinks and he changes. That’s what Crowley asks of Aziraphale and it’s what Aziraphale gives him.

What was the point of all this waffle?

Well, honestly there isn’t much of one. Only that their relationship is much more balanced than some suggest and I think I just wanted to spell that out. It also has an implication for the final 15 minutes. There’s no way Aziraphale goes into that with some sort of fake confidence that he can persuade Crowley to follow him to heaven simply because Crowley always follows him – Crowley doesn’t, he has very clear limits that he enforces with Aziraphale and Aziraphale knows this. He might feel confident for other reasons (such as thinking Crowley will be happy to be an angel again) or something else entirely different might be happening (so many theories!) but I’m pretty sure it’s nothing to do with thinking Crowley always does what he asks, because he very clearly doesn’t.

It's also why Crowley waits around afterwards to watch Aziraphale leave. It’s a way indirectly of saying one final time, I love you and I enjoy making you happy… but this is something I cannot give to you.

#good omens 2 #good omens #good omens meta #apology dance #ineffable husbands #ineffable fandom #acts of service #crowley loves aziraphale #aziraphale loves crowley #aziraphale #crowley

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books-and-omens · 9 months

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Okay okay, so I really want to talk about S2 Crowley.

I’ve been thinking about who Crowley is in the book and who he is in the show, and the gap is significant. (@tbutchaziraphale has fantastic meta over here which I think is spot on.)

Book!Crowley is an optimist, yes? I mean, we’re outright told this:

“Because, underneath it all, Crowley was an optimist. If there was one rock-hard certainty that had sustained him through the bad times—he thought briefly of the fourteenth century—then it was utter surety that he would come out on top; that the universe would look after him.”

Honestly, what a thing for a fallen angel to believe! And to me, it’s powerful, yes, but it never quite answers the question: where is he getting that certainty?

Tv!Crowley, in the meantime, is emphatically not this. He’s never been an optimist, not even in S1—although in S1, it might have been easier to look at A & C and consider them essentially similar to their book selves if a little out of sync.

In S1, Crowley gives the whole “don’t test them to destruction” speech. He cares about humanity deeply, even if he won’t admit it. He will try to stop the Apocalypse.

And there is still a moment when he feels helpless. When he has no innate optimism to carry him through, no deep belief in the universe looking after him or anyone. When his instincts tell him to run, and he tries to follow them. When he despairs. Aziraphale pulls him back out of that despair; they make a stand together. As we know, it works.

But the thing is, the thing is. I find tv!Crowley’s lack of optimism so very relatable.

I find despair so very relatable, too.

We live in an age of deep anxiety. (Climate change, anyone? Just for starters! The promise and wonder of the Moon landing and the end of the Cold War are far in the past; day to day, we deal with the effects of capitalism, of reactionism, of continued exclusionism. It’s far too easy to feel helpless.)

So in S2, Crowley is very much the same character as he was in S1, except we see it even clearer.

He is not an optimist. He wants to run; he wants to escape when faced with Gabriel’s arrival; he wants to protect Aziraphale and himself, and believes that the best—perhaps only—way to do that is by them retreating as far away from the problem as they can.

In Heaven, Crowley finds out about The Second Coming. His need to escape and to keep his angel safe become overwhelming. But he doesn’t tell Aziraphale about the Second Coming, does he? And his repeated offer to run away together doesn't even make sense to Aziraphale. (Not that Aziraphale would want to run if he knew. Quite the opposite, in fact, which Crowley must know.)

Anyway, Crowley already knows that the clock is ticking. Aziraphale is about to find it out. (Do you notice how often, in the last fifteen minutes of S2, we hear nothing in the background but the ticking of a clock?)

And just—the despair, the desire to retreat and escape when you are faced with overwhelming odds, with a fundamentally broken system, are so relatable.

And yet escape has never been the answer.

I hope, of course, that this is what we’ll see in S3 if there is a S3. Crowley deciding, emphatically, that running away is not the answer.

We didn't get there yet. We were dropped out of the story at the darkest point.

But I think being at this point is precisely what makes Crowley’s confession at the end of S2 transcendent.

Because it’s the same conflict, isn’t it, except on a personal scale. Despair in the face of overwhelming odds, followed by the decision to not give up.

Crowley, who’d been ready to confess, sees what is likely to happen. He sees the way the deck is stacked against him, sees that he is unlikely to get through. He feels the coming loss.

And then he does it anyway.

He confesses anyway. He says what he has set out to say, gasping and clawing for every word. He does it at the point when everything appears lost.

And no, we don’t see the effects of it, not yet. We don’t see what he has launched, the hook that sank into Aziraphale, the change it has wrought in Crowley himself.

But his bravery won’t be lost.

We live in a dark timeline. I maintain that this is precisely what makes this story so compelling.

Be brave. Do the difficult thing anyway. Do it anyway. Do it anyway.

Even in the face of overwhelming odds. Especially in the face of overwhelming odds. While not being an optimist in the slightest.

This is what hope is.

This is what we have to do.

(And to all of us who’d lost a comfort story: I’m so sorry. I, too, am still grieving for it. I know, I know.

Emphatically: all is not lost.)

#good omens #good omens season 2

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one-of-the-them · 10 months

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ok so ive been having thoughts (as im sure we all are) about the aziraphale playlist, and i havent seen anyone talk about this specifically so here we go.

pretty much we have two categories of songs: i’m in love with the world and i’m in love with crowley (which i am going insane about believe me). however there is one song that doesnt really fit either of these categories very well which is angeleyes by abba.

all the other songs in the playlist are happy. theyre optimistic, hopeful, forward looking, and this fits with what we know about aziraphale in this new season (re: the sfx article). angeleyes, on the other hand, is not a happy song. it’s about a failed relationship, about being deeply in love, infatuated with someone and then realising that they’re a bad person and that you have to distance yourself from them whether you like it or not, for your own good.

which begs the question: why put it in the playlist?

it could be explained by the little ‘ineffable’ word game, and also by the fact that the title is literally ‘angeleyes’ and it’s aziraphale’s playlist. however i doubt this. the other songs fit so well together and the fact that it’s such a short playlist means (i think anyway) that every song is important. i just dont think they’d have a song that fits lyrically but not thematically when the themes are so obvious and in-your-face, and when they fit so well with what we already know about aziraphale this season. so i think it’s there for a reason.

i think that crowley is going to confess and have his (long overdue) breakdown. and i think that aziraphale is going to realise how much he’s hurt crowley by being so restrained and having all these walls up, not allowing them to become any closer because he’s too fixated on what heaven will think, even now, four years after they’ve become free from heaven and hell’s influence. and i think he’s going to have a little self depreciating moment, inserting himself into the ‘angeleyes’ persona, thinking: ‘this is how crowley thinks of me. this is how he sees me.’ (i dont know whether they’d actually use the song as a plot device but either way. the vibes.)

anyway im so excited regardless for all the juicy character development we’re going to get and i’ve been very quickly becoming deranged over this song.

#good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens s2 #gos2 #good omens meta #good omens theory #aziraphale #aziraphale good omens #aziraphale's heavenly playlist #crowley #crowley good omens #aziraphale x crowley #aziracrow #angeleyes #just a theory #a gay theory

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luckyspike · 4 years

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Northern Exposure - a Good Omens fanfic

I was thinking about playing ‘Banished’ (top 10 video games of all time, fight me) and got this idea so i wrote some fanfic instead

this is definitely NOT going to be updated with any regularity until the murder mystery and the tornado hunting story get finished BUT i might throw out a chapter here and there as i feel like it

also everyone meet my new favorite OC of all time, Phyllis

“Heretics! Heretics!” There were cries echoing from the town square, a mass of voices raised in anger. “Heretics!”

Aziraphale was knelt in a stable, finishing the laborious task of packing - mostly books and scrolls, but also some heavy blankets and tartans, and a few other sundries - just so for a prolonged period of transport. To his right, his mule was placidly munching hay in spite of the cries from the square. Aziraphale sighed. “I’m afraid this might be rather a rough go, old chap,” he confided to the mule.

The mule, who was, in fact, not a chap at all but a hinny who privately referred to herself as ‘Phyllis’, not that anybody had ever asked, did not respond. She had expected it, when she’d seen the angel show up with two full packs and an extra satchel full of things that he probably felt certain he could find some room for somewhere. He would, although Phyllis was aware that this was largely because he believed he would, and not because the packs were capable of holding anything more.

At least, she reflected as she munched, there was a bonus: no matter how many things the strange angel stuffed into the packs, they never felt heavy enough to truly burden her. Probably comes from being an angel, she’d thought to herself the first time she’d noticed the phenomenon, and since that time had wasted no further thought on the matter. No sense in it, anyway: whatever it was he was going to do with the packs was going to happen whether she thought about it or not, and that was that.

“I don’t suppose there could have been anything more virtuous to do with my time,” he muttered as he swung the packs over her pack. Phyllis was more attuned to human (and ethereal) emotions and inflections than most mules, and over the sound of her own chewing she was certain she could sense a little bitterness and a lot of sarcasm. She began to chew more vigorously. “I was really starting to get the sexton to come around,” Aziraphale was saying. “I think a few more years, and we could have had this whole area running along quite smoothly. Optimistic of me, I suppose.”

“Heretics, heretics!” shouted the crowd in the square. Munch munch munch, went Phyllis.

“Still.” He fastened the cinch, never tightly enough to cause her any discomfort, though the load never slipped. “I suppose they are quite nice people. Could be a worse group to travel with.” He ensured the packs were secure, and patted Phyllis on the top of her rump. She swished her tail, but otherwise tried not to take offense. “I’m concerned it really will be dreadful, though.” Phyllis did not respond.

The angel was dithering now. He often did, before he and Phyllis would set off on their little jaunts, usually about Gabriel, who Phyllis assumed was the tall man-looking angel with purple eyes. She strongly disliked Gabriel. The first time she had met him, he had materialized out of the ether in the middle of her stall, and then had the audacity to remark on the quality of the straw. The nerve. “Oh, but I was just starting to get settled, as well! All those years of moving around, but I haven’t moved in - what? Ten years? I thought I could make this a base of operations, my boy, I really did.” He lip wobbled. “I do hope the sexton watches after those scrolls like I asked. Some of them are so very old …” He made a frustrated noise. “If I’d known I would have had them preserved and laid aside in London!” He groaned. “I thought they were going to let me be, I really did, you know?”

Phyllis knew. She’d known for about a week, because Aziraphale had been repeating the same old refrain to her since he’d been visited by Gabriel and informed that they were, for some reason, to be accompanying a group of pilgrims out of the city and into exile in the wild north. “Heretics, heretics!” cried the crowd outside. Aziraphale scowled at the window.

“And over such a message, all this mess!” He crossed his arms, expression deeply offended as the chant outside droned on. “‘Be kind to one another’; I tell you my friend, that Crowley wasn’t wrong when he said that would do it every time.” He sobered then, and his eyes got that misty look that usually meant he was thinking about something. “Every time.”

Phyllis swished her tail. It was a small thing, but it seemed to startle the angel out of his reverie, which she was glad for. He didn’t say anything, but he started moving again, checking over her tack and glancing into the packs at his supplies, before finally fastening the last bag closed and scritching her made. “Very well. If we must go, then we go, eh? I think they should be leaving soon.” He tied the halter on, and tugged the lead, urging her out. “Come now. It’s spring yet: there will be plenty of grass on the way.”

Phyllis sighed, and trudged after him. Certainly there would be grass, of course there would. But there would be such a lot of walking in between.

She was resolving herself to her fate - up until the lead was on, she had been holding out hope that perhaps that Gabriel twit would show up and say there’d been a change of plans - when a smell startled her, and quite despite herself, she shied. Aziraphale spun around, free hand raised.

“Who goes …” He trailed off, opened a closed his mouth a few times and then leaned forward, one reassuring hand on his mule’s neck as he narrowed his eyes at the black-robed figure with the long staff that had been waiting for them outside of the stables. “Is that Crowley in there?”

The figure pushed its hood back, and a tumble of messy red hair fell forward, across the figure’s face and broad grin, although it didn’t seem to notice. Might have been hard to, with the blindfold tied over its eyes.

“What happened to your eyes?” The angel asked, suspiciously.

“Hm?” The figure spoke. Phyllis took a step backwards, away. “Oh, nothing. No, people were just getting a bit weird about them is all, and last time I tried the glasses the rector claimed to have seen a demon in dark lenses.” He pushed the black length of cloth up, the better to wink at Aziraphale and Phyllis with one golden, slit-pupiled eye.

Aziraphale frowned. “Well. I mean.”

“Not the point. Point is, life’s easier like this. For now.” He tugged the cloth back over his eyes. “Plan on dumping it as soon as I get out of town.”

The angel was rubbing her neck in smooth circles, and although it really was very soothing for her, prompting her head to droop just a little and her ears to swing out and to the side, she had the distinct impression that the action was more to soothe his own nerves rather than calm her in the presence of the demon. “Ah. You’re on your way out too, as well?”

“Business.” He leaned against the brick structure to his right and shrugged. “You know how it is. You?”

“The same.” He tilted his head toward the northern gate, and then apparently remembered that the other person couldn’t see him at the moment. “Ah, I’m headed north.”

Crowley nodded. “Mm. Nice time of year for it. For now.”

“Suppose so.”

“What about you?” Aziraphale cleared his throat. “Ah … going north, that is. Tempting?”

Under the hood, the dark figure smirked. “Gathering intelligence, are you?” He stretched his fingers around the staff. “Can’t say, really. Shouldn’t say. But yes, broadly. Tempting. Not sure where, though. Supposed to be following somebody.” He shrugged. “Could be anywhere.”

Aziraphale’s smile faltered, although with the blindfold on Crowley never saw. “Ah. Well … I suppose I shouldn’t say good luck, but, er.”

“Same, really.” He snorted. “Wouldn’t it be funny if we were just cancelling each other out again? Both off on some daft mission to who-knows-where …” He leaned forward, onto the staff. “Could just stay home,” he murmured in a sing-song sort of way. Aziraphale scowled, and Phyllis flicked her ears. “Bet your mule likes that option.”

“Phyllis,” Phyllis whickered, because she always tried, even if nobody ever understood her. Crowley cocked his head, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m sure he does.” Aziraphale squared up his shoulders and did his best to look determined, although Phyllis was sure anybody in a 10-foot radius could smell the uncertainty on him. “But duty calls -”

“She.”

“Hm?” The angel stopped short, and blinked. “Sorry?”

“She. She says her name’s Phyllis.” Crowley jerked his chin toward the mule. “You never asked?”

“You … can understand animals?”

The robed figure looked surprised. “You can’t?”

“Afraid not.”

Crowley was quiet for a moment. “Weird, that. Anyway ah, yeah. I suppose I can do. And your hinny likes Phyllis.”

“Very well. Terribly sorry, dear girl.” He paused to pat her on the neck, and listened to the square as he did so. The angry chanting had died down, and there was a man speaking urgently. “Oh. I believe that’s … my cue, so to speak.”

“I could take care of both,” Crowley sing-songed again. “Bit of blessing here, a bit of tempting there, no one’s the wiser.”

“You can’t do blessings,” Aziraphale scoffed. “You’re a demon.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Hm, can’t I? News to me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“What’d I do on the ark, then?” There was an undercurrent of mockery in his voice now. “Or that time in Hamburg -”

“Thwarting God’s will,” Aziraphale replied promptly. He tugged on Phyllis’s lead, and she took a reluctant step after him, toward the square and the North. She snuffed the demon’s robe in thanks as she went by; he may be a creature of pure, unadulterated evil, stinking of brimstone and despair and hatred, but he had told her angel her name.

The demon sighed. “Depends on who you ask, I suppose. Anyway, see you around. Maybe. Don’t have too much fun up north.” Aziraphale huffed and didn’t look back, resolutely walking onward toward the square. Phyllis did look back though - a perk of her 350 degree field of vision, thank you years of natural selection - and could see the demon listening to them go, before he pushed off the wall and strode away, staff tapping the cobbles ahead of him. He seemed to be going the opposite direction, until at the last minute she saw him stop, lift the blindfold to get his bearings, and then sharply turn down a side-street and out of sight.

It was all very odd.

Naturally, Phyllis assumed they were going to the square, where all the people were shouting again. At first she didn’t bother to try to discern what they were shouting, but as they drew closer it came to her attention that the mob’s cry had changed from ‘heretics’, whatever that meant, to ‘exile’.

Oh, dear. She knew that word. And to the north …? Oh dear, oh dear.

Her hooves were carrying her toward the square, but then Aziraphale tugged on the lead and drew her down a side alley. “We’ll meet them at the gates, I think. No sense wading into a mob - they’ll make it out of town just fine.” It was one of those Things he said, Phyllis noted. Where it might not have been true, had no basis in reality, and yet because he had said it that way, it would just sort of … become reality. She snorted, and followed after him, plodding along the street, the miraculously-light load of his goods shifting around on her back as she shook her hide and adjusted the blanket a little more comfortably. From the sound of it, they were going to be in for a long trip.

“So, er. Phyllis, hm?” Aziraphale glanced at her over his shoulder, brow knit with concern and, perhaps, embarrassment. “So sorry I didn’t … well, the man did say ‘he’ when I purchased you, to be fair.” Six months ago, she thought. That was six months ago, and the angel had still not noticed. It wasn’t as if she’d hidden anything. She was a mule, for God’s sake. “Anyway, sorry. Would, ah, would ‘dear girl�� be preferable, in that case?”

She flicked an ear. Oh yes, a very long trip indeed.

#good omens #good omens fanfiction #good omens fanfic #aziraphale #crowley #welcome to 10th century england #inspired by my fav video game #phyllis the mule #phyllis goes north #i wish i didn't enjoy fanfiction so much

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let-me-be-your-home · 7 years

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*The Rising Son* - Review Part 1

Dean & Jack - Parenting in question.

It's very easy to understand Dean here. Whether or not he would have lost his closed ones at the end of the last season. Dean isn't one for just trusting people outside his familiar circle. Dean is loyal to a fault and would die for the people he has faith in. But you have to earn it. It's been like that from the get go.

- In the first scene itself he points out something by their experience. Whenver they have waited patiently to see if they could trust someone QUESTIONABLE they've had to bear consequences. They've had *end of the world* consequences to bear and lost people or each other to it and in the light of all the losses so far, his reaction seems very understandable.

- Jack is a child, he seems innocent YES. But he is Lucifer's spawn and so far whenever they have come across anything that's been in the realm of grey (or what they percieve as threat) they've mostly been kicked in their ass by it. As a hunter and as a person whose constantly been burned by the Supernatural it's natural for his first instinct to be to get rid of the threat. Not everyone can be optimistic in the face of such luck and loss as the one Winchesters have.

- Right now the fact is plain and simple. Dean's lost everyone he made a family with outside of his brother. He lost Castiel - his one best friend. He's grieving his mother who he got out of a miracle only to lose her again because of this job they do. And then they've even lost Crowley who was although supposed to be bad, was quiet an ally.

Dean doesn't take loss so well anyway, but losing a village full of people to this job has made him frustrated, guilty and negative. He doesn't want to blindly trust to be back stabbed again or lose any more people if his doubts about Jack are right.

- And to be very honest, the fact that one of the brothers is giving Jack a hard time and the other one is pampering actually adds an amazing element to the parenting aspect of this track. Jack is very impressionable and can very easily be influenced and used by anyone. Sam's trust and compassion will help him control his powers and to have the will to control them. And Dean's reprimand & warning will make him want to earn his trust and hence also do the right thing. It also gives us the chance to see Jack bond with Sam and Dean on different levels.

From a parenting point of view too - It gives us an amazing exploration of Sam & Dean's side here. Sam is willing to trust Jack even without really knowing him. To want to guide him because his personal experience says that when no one gave up on him no one should give up on Jack too. But if he ends up getting too attached and gullible he may spoil the child. Where as with Dean he's NEVER got any nurturing from his parents. So he's lived with 'manning up' and taking care of himself and here his parenting might turn out to be what he never wants to be, which is "John Winchester"

It's a given that Jack will eventually win Dean over, or he'll just melt by himself. Because Dean's always that way. He means no harm but takes a while to come around. Being his FAMILY or earning his trust, enough for him to back you all the way through isn't a 2 episode job. "Family" isn't used as just another word by Dean Winchester. It has to be justified.

Sam Winchester- The Optimistic

Sam here is ME in many situations when I am in the worst time of my life...when everything around me is going wrong. I tend to still try and find ONE speck of good to go on. And that is how everyone aims to be. Because otherwise the problems in our lives would just suffocate and kill us. He wants to believe Mary is alive, and even wants to believe Cas can be bought back. MOST importantly he believes that him and his brother as a team can do ANYTHING. Which is quiet possibly true. They have achieved a number of feats impossible for many because they never gave up.

I am very appreciative of his optimism and his will to change the tides. I also love that he understands his brother here and isn't bitter about that difference of opinion.

What strikes out very sharply here is that although Sam always trusts others as his first instinct until proven otherwise - Here he's desperate to do so. And it's very deliberately added by the writers and actor.

Jack isn't just a means to an end (although yes he is because he might open the rift) But Sam sees a reflection of himself in that child. He sees someone with powers that he can't control LIKE he was. He had powers he didn't ask for and those that got manipulated. So now he wants to help mould the kid so Jack can't be used as he was. Which is so understandable, expected and deeply compassionate.

Somewhere in this desperation though I believe he fails to see this situation from a practical point of view. Although I do believe Jack will turn out to be mostly good. It's not entirely wrong that Dean has a different point of view that keeps Sam grounded..so as to avoid being disappointed later.

#Supernatural #supernatural season 13 #dean winchester #sam winchester #sam dean #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #J2 #Jack #SPN #alex calvert #spn 13x02

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therealdeanwinchester13-blog · 7 years

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Too Tired To Go On

Characters: Dean x Sam x Female Reader

Summary: You get seriously injured on a hunt with the Winchesters. Unable to help you, Sam and Dean bring you to the hospital. You wake up to unfortunate news hours after being admitted but you’re actually very relieved and look forward to what’s going to happen.

Word Count: 1,842

Author’s Note: Congrats to @mamaredd123 and @atc74 for both reaching 300 followers! This is for their Fabulous 300 Challenge! The lyrics used at the end of this fic are from “When I Get Where I’m Going” by Brad Paisley. Everything is from your POV unless a different POV is listed. Also, the hospital and cemetery are not based off of real places (if they are actually names of any hospital or cemetery).

Warnings: Lots of angst

*(Y/N)–your name

*(Y/L/N)–your last name

*(Y/F/F)–your favorite flower

Vampire Hunt, 11:55pm (New York City)

You creep down the dark and almost empty street, glancing down every alley for tonight’s monster. Tired, both physically and emotionally, you pushed on because even though you may be tired of the hunts and of the hunter lifestyle, it’s something you have to do. After finding nothing in the first three you looked in, you finally spot the vampire with a young woman passed out in his arms. You quickly pull back against the wall and signal to Sam and Dean, letting them know they need to get ready. As you step back to make sure you stay out of sight, your foot lands on several pieces of broken glass.

“(Y/N)!” You turn and look behind you as soon as you hear Dean yell your name, only to see the vampire hovering behind you with an angry look on his face. You start to run but strong hands grab you and fling you against the brick wall of the alley behind you. The last thing you see as you fall to the ground is Sam quickly cutting of the monster’s head while Dean races over to you.

“(Y/N)…(Y/N), keep your eyes open, please. (Y/N)? (Y/N)!”

Silverwood Hospital, 2:47am

Opening your eyes, the first thing you notice is the blinding lights and the strong, overly clean smell of a hospital. The second thing you notice is that you can’t move any part of your body. And the final thing you notice is Sam sitting in the chair in the corner of your room and Dean staring outside the window, both of them with tears silently streaming down their faces. You cough and they both look at you, surprised that you’re awake.

“Guys? What happened?” Your voice is soft, your lack of energy keeping you from speaking very loud. “Why can’t I move?”

Sam and Dean share a glance before Dean clears his throat, “What do you remember?”

“We were hunting a vamp and I saw him in an alley. I turned around to let you both know and then…” your voice trails off as you try to remember what happened next. “Next thing I can remember is waking–”

“(Y/N).” Sam interrupts you, looking down. “You stepped on glass. He heard it and…(Y/N), he threw you against a brick wall. You’ll never be able to move again, even if you…” Sam’s voice cracks near the end and he stops, as if he’s afraid to say anything more.

You all turn towards the door when you hear a light tapping and see a doctor standing in the doorway. He clears his throat and runs his fingers through his graying hair as he enters your room. The doctor glances down at the papers he’s holding, the ones that you’re sure have your fate written across them. “Miss (Y/L/N)?”

“Yes?” Your voice sounds stronger than you feel.

“I…I’m sorry. Your fall, it caused too much damage and you won’t be able to–”

Dean interrupts. “She’ll never be able to move again, we know. You told us that earlier and we already told her. So when can she go?”

The doctor sighs and walks over to your bed, stopping at the foot of it. “She won’t be going home. We should’ve seen some improvement by now but there’s nothing. (Y/N)…she can’t handle this. Everything is either too damaged or it’s shutting down. She only has about 12 hours left. I’m sorry.”

Your body goes numb as soon as you hear the last 9 words come out of his mouth and you open your own to say something, anything. But instead you close it, too shocked to find the words. Tears start to fill your eyes and, seeing them, the doctor apologizes once more before quickly walking out of the room.

As soon as he’s out the door, Sam is at your side. He wraps you in his arms and attempts to comfort you. “Shh…hey, it’s okay. We’re gonna make it okay. We can make it through–”

Dean punches the window, cutting Sam off with the sound of glass breaking. When he turns around to face the two of you, your heart breaks at the sight. Tears are streaming down Dean’s face and he’s making no effort to hide them, showing how much this is actually affecting him. He makes eye contact with you before shaking his head and rushing out of the room.

Silverwood Hospital, 5:26am

Dean had rushed out hours ago and Sam had left to find him about an hour ago, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You sighed deeply and continued to stare out what was left of the window. ‘I really am tired of this. I never wanted to be a hunter anyways. So this is actually good news for me, I guess.’

You’re brought out of your thoughts by the sound of footsteps and you look over to see that Sam and Dean have come back.

“Hey, kiddo. How’re you feeling?” Dean walks over to you and sits on the edge of your bed, Sam choosing to stand behind him.

You roll your eyes and glance up at the clock on the wall, letting out a sigh.

‘Only about 9 hours left, if that. Thank god, I’m too tired to put up with this life any longer.’ Almost as soon as you finish your thought, you start to feel dizzy and your eyes start to close.

“(Y/N)?”

‘Sorry, guys. But not even the two of you can save me this time. Especially if I don’t want to be saved.’ And then everything goes black for the second time that morning.

Silverwood Hospital, 7:14am

“I’m very sorry but it seems we were optimistic when we said Miss (Y/L/N) would make it another 12 hours. With the way she’s progressing, she may not even make it another half hour.” You begin to stir at the sound of your doctor’s voice. Opening your eyes, you begin to panic because of what you see. Or, rather, what you don’t see.

Footsteps rush towards you and you feel someone grab your hand. “(Y/N), you have to calm down. What’s wrong?” Sam holds your hand tighter, his voice filled with worry.

“I’m…I’m blind,” you whisper, tears starting pour from your now sightless eyes. You hear the doctor speak quickly to Dean, something about maybe another 15 minutes, and then you hear him leave.

You feel eyes on you and just know that the two of them are by your side. Unable to see anyway, you close your eyes. “I guess this is it, guys.”

Your words are met with sniffling, like the brothers are trying to make it seem like they’re not crying. Reaching out, you feel hands meet yours and that’s all it takes for the two men around you to burst into tears. It’s silent for a few minutes, aside from the sound of them both crying. But your tears have stopped and you only feel numb. This is it, it’s finally over. And for some reason, you’re relieved. However, you know you can’t leave them without giving an explanation and without trying to make them feel better about what’s going to happen.

“Sam, Dean…” your voice is growing weaker and you know you have to speak quickly. “Don’t cry for too long, okay? This…this is what I want. I’ve been so tired lately. This life, it was exciting at first and I enjoyed helping people. I still do, I’d do anything to keep the world safe. But I’ve realized…realized that this isn’t the life that I wanted.”

It’s getting harder for you to breathe, so you start to speak faster. “I was dragged into this and while I don’t regret getting to know all of you and getting to save so many, I do regret not being able to live the life I wanted. I was only so distant because…because I couldn’t take this anymore but I didn’t know how to make you realize. And now…this is the only way anyone can ever leave this life. And that’s all I want. I want…I want this to be over. I’m…I’m sorry…”

“(Y/N),” Dean’s voice shakes. “No…please, this isn’t you talking. We can call Cas, surely he can heal you. And if not, there’s Crowley. I’ll gladly make another deal with him if it means you’ll be okay. You can get the life you want, there’s still another way out of–”

“Dean. Stop. This…this is her choice.” Sam cuts his brother off and struggles to control his own emotions, knowing that this is your choice and the fact that he agrees with his brother won’t change your mind. “If she wants to go…we have to let her go.”

Dean starts to cry once more and your heart breaks. But still, you know you’re making the right choice. You tighten your grip on each of their hands and struggle to take another breath.

“Goodbye, Sam and Dean Winchester. I’ll watch over you always.” You take one more painful breath and then, releasing it, let go of everything and let everything go black one last time.

Elmwood Cemetery, 4 days later, 8:36am

3rd Person POV:

Sam and Dean, dressed in their suits, stand over a new grave. Each brother lays a (Y/F/F) against the headstone and then steps back with tears silently streaming down their faces.

When I get where I’m going

On the far side of the sky

The first thing that I’m gonna do

Is spread my wings and fly

I’m gonna land beside a lion

And run my fingers through his mane

Or I might find out what it’s like

To ride a drop of rain

Sam turns to Dean. “I understand what she said. This life? It is tiring. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was unfair of us to make her a part of it.” “At least now she’s finally free and she can be happy,” Dean’s voice cracks halfway through his sentence and he rubs at his eyes, almost hoping that’ll stop the crying.

“At least now she’s finally free and she can be happy,” Dean’s voice cracks halfway through his sentence and he rubs at his eyes, almost hoping that’ll stop the crying.

Yeah, when I get where I’m going

There’ll be only happy tears

I will shed the sins and struggles

I have carried all these years

And I’ll leave my heart wide open

I will love and have no fear

Yeah, when I get where I’m going

Don’t cry for me down here

The brothers take one last look at headstone, the spot where (Y/N) (Y/L/N) must stay. After what feels like hours, Sam and Dean take turns whispering broken goodbyes and slowly walking away from one of their closest friends.

So much pain and so much darkness

In this world we stumble through

All these questions I can’t answer

So much work to do

But when I get where I’m going

And I see my Maker’s face

I’ll stand forever in the light

Of His amazing grace

Yeah, when I get where I’m going

There’ll be only happy tears

Hallelujah

I will love and have no fear

When I get where I’m going

Yeah, when I get where I’m going

#mamaandangelinasfabulous300 #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #sam winchester #dean winchester #female reader #too tired to go on

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