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secondbeatsongs · 2 years

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started playing The Suicide of Rachel Foster, because I've heard it was bad and I wanted to see if that was true, but...

I mean, I'm pretty sure the people who mentioned it being bad were referring to the plot? but I've barely done anything in the game, because the graphics are infuriating me

the depth of field is messed up! even if I'm looking directly at something, it's very blurry! there are times I've had to look under or away from something to get it to go into focus, and it's deeply annoying!

"well," you might say, "can't you mess with the graphics settings and fix that?"

let me show you the graphics settings menu:

that's it. those are the only settings available.

"but what about the config file?" well

besides the core system stuff, that is it. that's all it is.

now, luckily someone on the steam forums has figured out that you can add stuff to that config file to change the settings. which is great, because this was driving me up the wall! so I tried it out to see what would happen and

oh my god.

look at it:

left is default settings, right is with a bunch of stuff disabled

just...god! why is the one on the left so blurry! why is there chromatic aberration, which I didn't even notice at first, but now I understand why I was getting a headache!

why would they do this? why would anyone do this

another example, in case you need it:

left is with default settings, right is with just depth of field turned off

jesus fucking christ. how was anyone supposed to play this game?

why would you go to the trouble of designing lovely, realistic graphics just to make it so you can't even see them when you zoom in?

don't you want people to enjoy your game? don't you want them to see all the hard work you put into it?

sigh

so. in case you also want to make it so your game is actually playable, here's how to change your config settings:

first, go to

C:\Users\AccountName\AppData\Local\Daedalic Entertainment GmbH\The Suicide of Rachel Foster\Saved\Config\WindowsNoEditor

and open engine.ini in notepad. then, paste this text at the bottom of that file:

[SystemSettings] r.MotionBlur.Max=0 r.MotionBlurQuality=0 r.DefaultFeature.MotionBlur=0 r.SceneColorFringe.Max=0 r.SceneColorFringeQuality=0 r.DepthOfFieldQuality=0

that turns off the motion blur, chromatic aberration, and depth of field.

(you can keep the motion blur on if you like it; I just get dizzy easily)

if you want to disable anti-aliasing for even sharper text (like in that second map screenshot), you can also add this:

r.PostProcessAAQuality=0 r.DefaultFeature.AntiAliasing=0

if you still want some AA, you can change both of those zeroes to ones - that way edges will have a bit of softness, but the text is still pretty clear.

on the steam forums people also talked about adding these settings, but the ones above were good enough for me, so I didn't try them. but if you'd like, you can also add and mess with:

r.Tonemapper.GrainQuantization=0 r.Tonemapper.Quality=0 r.LensFlareQuality=0 r.DefaultFeature.LensFlare=0 r.DefaultFeature.Bloom=0 r.BloomQuality=0

anyway, let this be a lesson to you. if you ever design a video game, make sure users can change advanced graphics settings! because otherwise they, like me, will have to either suffer through headaches and squinting, or they'll have to change a config file, restarting the game and sitting through 30+ seconds of logos every time they want to tweak the motion blur.

...welp, now I've spent so long fucking with the graphics settings that I'm too mentally tired to actually play the game. so, I guess I'm gonna go do laundry or something.

but for when I do actually play it, I'm going to put this cut here, so I can keep track of the other things about the game that bother me:

Additional Grievances

💥 you can't zoom in on objects that you're holding. if you're holding a book and the text on it is really small, you're going to have to move closer to your screen to read it, and I am not joking.

💥 there's a boombox in Nicole's room with an open cassette slot, and it's absolutely surrounded by tapes. but the only thing you can do to it is...turn on the radio? like, no! let me listen to the tapes!

(I hope it eventually lets me listen to the tapes) update: it never lets you listen to any of the tapes. I feel robbed by this experience.

💥 this game just...feels weird as a walking sim? like, there are half-open cabinets and stuff that just can't be clicked on to open them. and maybe that'll happen later, but it feels weird to walk into a room and not be able to really look at it, you know? the point of a walking sim is to snoop!

anyway, more later if I pick the game back up again.

update: okay. finished the game, took extensive notes. let’s get into it:

💥 Jenkins says he'll leave some notes and a key in the dining room table in the master suite. but really, while the notes are on the table, the key is on the desk in Nicole's old room. which is honestly weird.

update: this could in theory be explained away by the plot later, but it’s still unclear, so I’m not crossing this one out. I’m not 100% sure it was on purpose.

💥 Leonard's NASA mugs in the game are different from the one shown in the main menu? and I have no idea why? but the main menu one looks cooler!

💥 there are a lot of reused assets - pens, sponges, tubes of toothpaste, pairs of glasses, at least 3 NASA mugs. it just feels...weird? like, if I'm gonna pick something up, I want it to be at least a little interesting. a fun label, or some plot importance, or at least a scribble on it or something. not...like seven ballpoint pens that look exactly the same.

it feels like someone bought a bunch of unity assets and then copy/pasted them everywhere, and hoped that would be enough to make this game interesting.

spoiler alert: it was not.

💥 almost every book has the same bump map for the cover (though some are shinier, rougher, etc). which wouldn't be an issue (it’s very nice looking!), except the one they used has a curved mark in the bottom corner of the back cover. and after seeing it on nearly every single book, it feels weird.

💥 there are even duplicate copies of the same book laying around? like, why not make some blank-covered books, instead of reusing recognizable ones?

💥 oh god, and in room 117! on the floor there are three identical pages that are all supposed to look like handwritten notebook pages. what, do they want me to believe someone hand-copied their notes three times? bullshit.

at this point it's just laziness or time crunch, right?

💥 there are some typos, but I know this game was by an Italian studio, so I'm giving them a pass on that (for the most part). most of them are on the magazines or books. for example, “The cars that meets the demands of the 80′”:

💥 in the lobby by what I think is the main entrance, some...snow? got inside? not like, there was some snow getting through on purpose - no, by the door there’s a clump of blinding white nothing that looked like it was clipping into the room.

💥 Nicole says it's nighttime at one point when it is definitely not nighttime. the lighting hasn't changed. I know a time mechanic would be weird, but maybe...some change would be nice?

update: there are some time changes, apparently - but they seem completely random? also I have no idea how time works in this game. it keeps skipping forward an entire day, and there’s absolutely no reason for it to do that, except that the writers wanted a scene change.

just...god. just put a title card that says “3 hours later” or whatever, don’t make me imagine that Nicole spent the entire rest of the day doing absolutely nothing after something dramatic just happened.

💥 calls moldy food "molden" at one point. I didn’t get a screenshot apparently, but it’s in the fridge when you first look at the rotten produce. is this a translation error of some kind?

💥 found Jesus!

💥 the room check sheet in room 204 says that it's for room 304. there is no room 304. also someone was definitely doing witchcraft in here, but I consider that a feature, and not a bug.

💥 okay, a lighting change, that's good! but just because it's dark inside doesn't mean it also has to be dark outside? What is this, dawn? Sunset? it says it's day 3, but I'm still unclear about what all this means. did Nicole spend an entire day just worrying about a phone call?

💥 Nicole is definitely hallucinating from the mold, I think.

💥 a lot of these conversations feel really...disconnected? it's hard to describe, but it feels like they're not really conversations that humans would have. as if the people aren't talking to each other, they're talking to themselves next to each other.

I just kinda get the feeling that something in production made it so that the lines had to be changed or re-recorded or something, or maybe the voice actors never really got a feel for the characters. like, something happened here to make it seem like a bunch of bad roleplay interactions, and I don’t think it’s the voice actors’ fault.

💥 this ending is...bad.

look, I knew going into this that it wouldn’t be a good game. and it’s not! it’s not even really a good story, and the emotions it made me feel were more vague and annoyed than anything else.

it’s immersive to a point, the graphics are nice to a point, but it doesn’t feel like...a game? there’s not enough stuff to interact with to think of it as a walking sim, though sure, you do walk a lot. but the plot is just kinda...disjointed.

nothing about the story is clear. I don’t think the game outright condones what Leonard did (having the “villain” of the story agree with his actions doesn’t count), but I also don’t think it really objects to what he did either.

like yes, this is a bit of a fun mystery, and the creepiness factor is very good! the atmosphere is great! creaking doors, spooky lighting - the feeling that you’re going to get a jump scare, but very few actual jump scares? *chef’s kiss*. I love that.

but I also hate this game? for all of the bullet points I’ve mentioned above, and also for the fact that it felt...glued together?

there are beautiful environments! ...filled with copy/pasted assets that don’t really add anything. there’s a dramatic story! ...with a very simple plot that really feels overdone and overhyped. and the characters aren’t ever really developed, but you feel like they want you to care about them anyway.

it’s just...a facade of a good game. it’s something that was trying to be Gone Home, Firewatch, and The Shining, and it failed at being any of them.

also, the suicide(s) at the end of the game make no fucking sense. like I get it, you’re trying to be dramatic and show that the characters feel guilt but like...what the fuck? truly what the fuck.

if this game had pulled it around last-second and decided to say, “you know what? fuck that! we don’t need to be stuck in this story our parents wrote for us; we are going to Portland to live our lives happily, and never setting foot in this haunted hotel ever again”, then I would be okay with it. hell, maybe I would even consider playing it again!

(though really they’d have to add manual save for me to do that. jfc. it was torture. the game crashed once right at the end, and I had to replay the entire last day just to get to the final cutscene. I hate it.)

but because they were like, “nope, sucks to be us, we get The Bad Ending no matter what we do, because of things we had no control over!” I just feel...let down. angry at it. I don’t want to have to deal with it.

so yeah, there are my thoughts about this game. I know it’s not as entertaining, because I don’t feel rabid hatred towards it for how badly it handled the difficult and complicated issues in the plot, but sometimes...that’s just how it is.

(though it did handle them badly! don’t play this game if it could be upsetting for you! I have a high tolerance for this shit, so don’t take my lackluster reaction as a positive review!)

anyway, I’m not angry at you, TSoRF. I’m just...disappointed.

and I think that might be worse.

#the suicide of rachel foster #video games #sbs rambles #id in alt text #long post #and it's not that I don't like depth of field in games!#I do when it's used well!#but it's usually supposed to. you know. focus on what you're looking at?#and having blurred vision gives me major anxiety IRL #so I super don't want it in a video game #anyway #I wonder if this game is actually as bad as people are saying #if the graphics are any indicator then maybe it is #oh shit I forgot to tag it #suicide mention #sorry guys #I hope your filters still pick it up #tutorial

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attackedastoria · 10 months

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In this rant essay I will be talking about entitlement in the new age of social media concerning the art fommunity and why It Is Bad

So. After witnessing an absolutely infuriating incident of a fellow artist being mocked, insulted, and generally dog-piled on for "gatekeeping", I really feel the need to address something becoming more and more prevalent in the artist community.

Artists are not here to hold your hand through learning their creative process. Full stop.

In this new, fast paced age of social media and everything being accesible at your fingertips, people want instant gratification for everything. Including art. I have witnessed, and personally experienced, time and time again, people asking artists for their exact process on how they created a piece of art. I'm not talking simple questions like, "Hi, what type of clay do you use?", or "What is your favorite brand of paint for this?"; I am seeing an increase of people demanding to know the EXACT process, step by step, and not only that, they expect the artist to give it to them freely, and hold their hand through it with a happy smile.

If an artist refuses, as is their right when it comes to the art they've likely spent a decade or more perfecting through means entirely self taught in most cases? Ah, I can hear the response now, like a screeching eagle upon the wind: "Stop gatekeeping! You're mean!"

We aren't "gatekeeping" anything. No one is entitled to an artists methods, time, or knowledge, *especially* for free. Thanks to social media, everyone seems to want to continuously consume content, from artists in particular, FOR FREE. People now feel entitled to *demand* artists for walk-throughs, how-to's, in depth videos or tutorials, and by God, if you refuse, you're gonna be sorry!

I've been creating art seriously since I was twenty. I'm nearly forty now. I am entirely self-taught. If I wanted to learn something new, I looked it up and researched it, or figured it out myself. No one held my hand through any of this. I never asked another artist for expliciy details on their methods besides maybe a, "Hey, do you like this clay or that clay better?", and even then, I never got upset if I didn't get a response, because I'm not entitled to their time. Everything I make, I figured out through trial and error until I was satisfied. Honestly, it's part of the fun for me, figuring something out and having it work the way I want it to.

Now, there are of course plenty of artists happy to share their methods. They are happy to be teachers, mentors, guides for other people. I applaud them for this, because it's very hard to be a teacher. I could never do it. Most people can't.

I dont have the time, setup, money, motivation, or frankly the personality to teach people anything. My art is also my *job*; it is how I make a living, pay bills, get through life. There's nothing wrong, at all, with an artist not wanting to share methods they've perfected in their art, which puts food on their table. Despite what so many people think, not all art is just a DIY hobby. ART CAN BE, AND IS, A REAL JOB THAT PEOPLE RELY ON TO SURVIVE. So why would an artist want just give away their hard earned methods that help put food on the table for free?

Anyway... I hate the term "gatekeeping", now. I'm sick of watching friends be attacked because they don't want to give away their time and knowledge to every person that asks for free. I'm tired of getting chewed out in DM'S or comments because I won't troubleshoot every single question someone who is trying to replicate my pieces has. Google is free. YouTube is free. Do your research and figure out like so, so many people before you have done. I promise it's more rewarding than badgering someone to do all the legwork for you.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk

#astoria gets mad about social media and the effect its had on her community: an essay #seriously im Tired #art rant

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tiredgoodomensfan · 1 year

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GOS2 hillywood + poster dissection (spoilers!)

so, i think we all lost our collective MINDS today

when I saw that we have the release date I actually started SCREAMING (I got lots of dirty looks.) anyways I have lots and lots of thoughts that I just need to get down somewhere so buckle up cuz this will be long, rambly, and prolly won't make a whole lot of sense.

First of all, huge props to the whole hillywood team, this was a really high-quality production and I loved every second of it. I'm watching the behind the scenes vid while writing this and it's really interesting to see how such an amazing video was produced. so much work was put into it and it really paid off. Thank you guys so much for making this!

So, the scene where Crowley falls. this could just be something fun hillywood decided to do, but the fact that they worked so closely with Neil makes me wonder if this is something that we might get more of in s2. The scene with the fire (which was awesome btw) maybe not be so much, but Crowley falling from what seems to be heaven into a puddle of what I'm guessing is maybe meant to be sulphur? (I don't really know what sulphur is so correct me if I'm wrong, I'm just spewing stuff here so it could be complete nonsense) idk to me it seems like foreshadowing, especially considering that Crowley's fall isn't discussed in that much depth in s1. idk that could just be me stretching cuz I want pre-fall Crowley SO BAD. and OH MY GOD IN THE VIDEO THEY JUST CONFIRMED ITS MEANT TO BE SULPHUR I FUCKING SGHA ITS THE FALL FROM HEAVEN I KNEW IT.

The post-parody scenes AHHH. first of all, I loved how they stayed pretty much word accurate to the show, with only necessary things changed. I loved Neil in this, Maggie, and Daniel. Does more Daniel mean more Adam? he could just be there for like a fun cameo roll but it got me thinking. if weird shit was happening the first thing Crowley and aziraphale are gonna think is 'Ah shit it's the Antichrist again innit' So maybe more adam s2? idk.

(Maggie was literally me. 'DO THEY HOLD HANDS??' girl is literally the entire good omens fandom)

('the wait and see clause' SO FUNNY BUT ALSO SO MUCH PAINN)

Ok, poster time.

First off, the way they're sat back to back?? no space between them?? and IS AZ READING TO CROWLEY?? :( They make me wanna vomit /pos

Also, I noticed something in the back. a shop outside with 'give me' on the front? this could just be a generic shop but I feel like everything in the poster is deliberate. doesn't seem to mean much now but I reckon we should keep our eye out in the background of any other posters and teasers and stuff we might get. this could just be me going bonkers cuz I've been deprived of new content for SO LONG but idk I could be onto smth.

I also wanna talk about the lighting decisions. the bright light shining on aziraphale, cuz yk- he's an angel but also a little glimmer on Crowley? now it could be interpreted as like 'Oh not all hope is lost for him' but I see it differently. the fact that Crowley's light is coming from below and Azi's is coming from above?? bit on the nose. I think the fact that we've been told that Gabriel is gonna feature heavily in this, is gonna make us primarily focus on heaven (the biggest light being on Az) but that doesn't mean hells gonna be out of the picture. I think, that through the first few episodes, we're gonna be focusing on Heaven harassing Az and we won't notice hell spying on Crowley (Crowley's light being smaller, yet still very much there)

More on hell, something I didn't notice at first was a lil tiny lizard in the bottom left-hand corner. I'm pretty convinced this is supposed to be shax. I mean, we've been shown that like all the demons have some sort of animal form (Beelzebub- fly, Crowley- snake, ligur- chameleon, etc., etc.) but as far as I know, we haven't had a lizard like that yet. it has a little fire tail and it's pretty deliberately hidden (either that or I'm fucking stupid cuz I didn't notice until like 10 mins ago) I think the fact that he's not the center focus is again about how through this hell will just be kinda spying on them rather taking a center focus so that we have our guard down and are like 'WOAH' when hell does smth. but you can't fool ME Neil, I'm expecting it.

Final little closing thoughts on stuff that could be irrelevant but maybe isn't. The clock- both hands on 6, 6 episodes, what else is 6? Is half 6 a significant time? or is it just cuz 666 and like haha devil number? the old ass camera in the bottom right-hand corner, eluding to maybe olden days Crowley and aziraphale pictures?? I would die. maybe also references a scene abt the invention of the camera?? or is it just there cuz Az is nostalgic and likes antiques. am I going insane or is that a new Crowley haircut?? Crowley and Az being back to back they LOOK SO DOMESTIC ILL SOBB

again, thank you so much hillywood for this amazing parody. and thanks Neil for FINALLY answering our prayers while leaving us with like a MILLION more questions, love you Mr. Gaiman

if you actually read this, thanks! that means that someone else is as obsessed and slightly mad as me. let me know if you've got any other ideas or annotations, I love literally everything good omens so even if you think it's a reach I WANNA HEAR IT!

Edit: I'm a fukin idiot and also blind. there are 3 lizards, and literally everyone noticed them (I can't find the third one (I'm pretty sure I need glasses)) BUT YK I still reckon it's shax. or maybe the erics?? oo it might be the Erics now im thinking abt it

Another edit: I'm actually REALLY fuckin stupid. the give me sign outside is Nina's shop 'Give me coffee or give me death' (I kinda forgot there were new characters this season) BUT YK maybe still smth?? idfk

#good omens #the hillywood show #good omens parody #good omens parody spoilers #good omens 2 #good omens poster #im going insane #neil gaiman

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idealisticrealism · 2 years

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TCL 2x06 recap

Hahahahaahaaaaaaa get ready for more unhinged fangirling (and just so many words omg)

Also thanks so much to those of you who left replies on the previous recaps, I honestly really love seeing them– it’s awesome to know that you guys are actually enjoying my insane ramblings haha. So please keep sharing your thoughts and I’lll keep sharing mine :P

Honestly I am so happy we’re still on the same day as last ep! Though lbr I desperately wish we could have seen what happened between Garrett accepting the deal and Thony getting home– like how did she get home?? Did she drive back to the cleaning storehouse (I’m going to start calling this Cleaning Ladies’ HQ, or CLHQ for short lol) in the truck with Arman and then he dropped her home on his bike??? Or did Garrett insist on driving her home so he could chastise her about her involvement with Arman?? I mean either option would have been great to watch but lbr I would prefer the former lol. But sigh I guess that’s just going to be left to the imagination. But ugh it hurts to see her so upset– she was so steady and brave in the moment while making the deal, but now the reality is setting in, the feeling of once again being caught in a trap. And oooh it wasn’t until she told Fi just now about helping Arman move drugs that I remembered her reaction to Fi’s plan to sell party drugs for Brandon. Feeling like a bit of a hypocrite now, are we Thony?? And maybe a liar, too, considering she tells Fi that Garrett threatened to deport her unless she informed for him again– bc firstly there was zero mention of deportation (I honestly believe that Garrett is done with that threat, and also that he legitimately did actually intend to let Thony go and just take Arman in for the drugs), and secondly, we all know she begged him to agree to her being an informant, in order to keep both herself and Arman safe. But to admit that to Fi would be to reveal even more about the depth of her and Arman’s connection than the events in the motel did (and that was already plenty) and I honestly don’t think Thony is capable of facing that right now.

Ooooh only one person uses the weird kitchen door, which means Hot Detective Flores is back! Though as much as I like her, she does nothing but cause me stress haha. I‘m glad that the cops seem to have moved on from Thony as a suspect so quickly and easily– unless part of her reason for coming here and telling them about MMM’s disappearance was to see their reaction– but lbr it does look suss that MMM disappeared so soon after a death at his motel (sidenote, him being missing ‘over a week now’ definitely fits with the expected timeline). But aaaaarghhh I was worried that his disappearance would cause the cops to search his apartment and potentially find more videos– honestly, I’m surprised Arman didn’t look at MMM’s license for his address and then find his keys and go to his apartment to search for any sign of the Chris video. Unless maybe he did??? Honestly he’s savvy enough to think of it, and dedicated enough to protecting Thony that he’d absolutely do it. Ok tbh I am adopting the headcanon rn that he actually did go and do all that after disposing of the body, and just didn’t tell Thony bc he didn’t think she needed to know/wanted to let her just forget the whole thing. But anyway tbh it’s kind of funny to hear Flores say reassuringly “We WILL find out how your loved one died” to the three people who were literally present at/involved in his death lol. But also omg Chris how about you don’t yell “they’ll know I did it!!” literally moments after the detective walks out the door??? God you are such a teenager lol. And ok I love Thony’s certainty in saying that that the cops won’t find the body and that “Arman made sure of it”-- but like is that just her having enough trust in him to know he would have taken care of it, or did he actually tell her what he did with the body??? And if so, when??? Doesn’t this show know that I need to be privy to literally every single conversation and interaction between Armony?? C’mon writers be more considerate of a poor fangirl haha

(Also I forget to mention this every single week but I really love the new title screen thing with the soapy water washing away the red from the lettering like it’s washing away blood, leaving the pure white text behind. This show has such style man)

My thought process as Arman pulls up to the house on his motorbike: ‘oh hey I stood right by that letterbox thing down at the end of the street! Ok wait so these guys didn’t sell the motorbike or Nadia’s car, despite the severity of their financial issues? Also what is Arman staring at? Is there some kind of evidence that Robert has been at the house?? Omg wait did Nadia throw his stuff out????’ (*literally laughs in delight as the camera pans over his stuff on the ground lol*). Tbh I had fun pausing to check out his various belongings, and while the childhood pic of Adan is cutest, and the squash racquet is hot (I would watch him play that ANY day), the random lamps are definitely my favourite addition. Like are they sentimental lamps?? But anyway oh my goddddd this is a scene I have been hoping for for a long time, and holy shit Eva is legit giving it her all– hell hath no fury indeed. (ngl I’m giggling a little at the fact that she would have had to yell and throw those clothes right into the camera while filming this lol). But omg “What the hell are you doing??” / “What the hell are YOU doing?? I’m doing what I should have done the first time I laid eyes on you with your cleaning lady”-- honestly I love this line, because it is such a great throwback to the moment Nadia first sees them together in 1x02. (I’m ignoring their first scene all together the morning after the party in 1x01, because she was still drunk and didn’t actually see Thony and Arman interact at all; though mannn her 1x01 line “I like her. Give her everything” is particularly impactful now). But in 1x02, Nadia watches as Arman literally drops everything– leaving in the middle of an important meeting with Hayak and Knight– to disappear with a woman he barely knows, when it would have been far easier for him to get one of their guys to take her to the clinic, or even just tell her to go to a hospital instead. And I gotta mention the next time Nadia witnesses them interact as well; in 1x03 where she watches from across the club as Thony gives Luca’s drawing to Arman, and honestly she’s right with what she said– Thony really does look at him like he’s her hero in this moment, while he looks at her with an almost bashful pleasure, which (if Nadia had seen it) she would probably barely recognise, given how rare it must be for him. That was the moment Nadia started to understand something they hadn’t yet seen themselves, and was partly why she brought Thony to the wedding reception with her, to further observe how they would interact. She’s been watching this whole time, and though she’d tried to convince herself that the connection between them didn’t mean anything for her own relationship with Arman (I’m almost certain there was an interview that said Nadia has slept with other women during their marriage, so maybe they’re ~open), the truth is she’s always known that what Thony and Arman have is different. It's real, and she knows it, even if they don't.

Which is exactly why she calls bullshit when he says “There’s nothing going on between Thony and me. You know that!” And gotta say, as much as I love Arman, I kinda call bullshit too. Though while I can imagine some people would say he’s gaslighting her, I actually don’t agree. (“Gaslighting”: to deliberately manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity). I think in Arman’s case, he genuinely believes he’s telling the truth, because to him, ‘nothing going on’ means a) he and Thony aren’t sleeping together, and b) that their relationship isn’t going to progress beyond what it is now. He’s aware of his feelings for Thony, and is also aware that she has some kind of feelings for him (even if he doesn’t know exactly how far those feelings extend), and though there is an undeniable pull between them he also knows that there is a line neither of them will cross, one that exists because of Nadia– especially since everything that happened with the prison and the debt, and how much Nadia’s safety and livelihood now depends on him as a result of that. And so that’s what he means with that line– while he and Thony are connected, that connection will never go any further (despite what Nadia clearly believes) as long as he and Nadia are together. Hence his frustration– she’s accusing him of having the very thing he so desperately wants, but has denied himself ever having. And he genuinely does try to explain what he’s been doing/make her understand about the plan with the drugs, except she won’t let him (damn at the accuracy of her “you’ll take any excuse to be with her” line though, wow), and then just as he’s about to try to convince her of his dedication to her, he sees the ring, and the devious landmine artfully planted by Robert explodes between them. Because while Nadia sees the reality– the inevitability– of Thony and Arman’s connection far better than he does, Arman sees the truth of Robert’s actions better than she does, and that disparity only serves to push them further apart. But omg the way I gasped when she yells “There is no more us!!!” and he just stares at her because he knows her well enough to see the truth, has fought bitterly with her enough times to see that this is different– that this time it might actually be real, that they’ve passed that point of no return and that their marriage is over. He can’t entirely believe it though, doesn’t dare to; because if it’s real, then she has actually just released him from the obligation he has towards her, from the slowly-growing weight of unhappiness that he has been carrying since even before he met Thony. And the irony of it all is that by leaving him, she has given him the freedom to do what he otherwise never would have done– the exact thing she was accusing him of in the first place: be with the woman he loves.

Okay so Armony are about to have their meet with Garrett to discuss the plan, and honestly I hate when scenes start with both of them already present! Like excuse me I need to know how long they have been waiting and what they have been talking about and how much they have looked at each other etc??? Like did they deliberately arrive earlier than Garrett so they could work out their plan? Have they been texting back and forth since last night trying to figure it out?? No matter how much this show feeds me (and ngl it feeds me well; see the above paragraph for proof lol) I am always going to want more lol. But ugh they have clearly talked it through together and are presenting their little plan as a duo and basically completing each other��s sentences and I love them. But honestly it confuses me a bit that Garrett starts the meeting by asking how they’re going to use Robert to get Cortes, and then only like a minute later he’s signing up for their plan to use Cortes to get Robert?? It just seemed like a sudden and odd priority shift, bc until this moment it seemed like he didn’t care about Robert (despite Robert’s extensive crime-ing) and only saw him as a means to getting Cortes? But tbh I don’t care lol. I just care about this Armony eye contact and the way Arman looked like he wanted to say something before Thony turned and walked away ugh. I’m gonna headcanon that after she gets in the van, he leans against the passenger door and talks to her through the lowered window, maybe arranging a time for them to meet at CLHQ and unpack the drugs from the van? (Also two sidenotes: firstly I’ve never noticed that little semi-bald patch in Arman’s beard over the right side of his jaw– is there a scar there because I would be very into that. And secondly dude I love the leather jacket as much as anyone, trust me, but it is too hot for you to be wearing it all the time! Take it off before you get heatstroke!! …. And while you’re at it, the shirt should probably go too. Just to be safe lol)

“Now that dad’s back in town you guys can get married!” Omg. I cannot describe my love for this scene, firstly for the near parent-trapping, and secondly for the fact that it literally legitimately felt SO real in terms of how a 12 year old would see and react to this situation. Like oh my heart Jazz is so cute and earnest lol, and Fi and JD were so gentle with setting her straight ugh. Bummer about the JD girlfriend, but eh, I’m sure she won’t last haha. I swear the JD and Fi ship (I’m going for “J-Fi” here because I’m lazy lol) is gonna sail by the end of the season– or at least it better, because I love them already ugh

It’s probably ridiculous that it irritates me that Arman changed the money into a different bag? Like why? Though I guess he had to take it all out of the other bag to count it anyway or whatever (also, where did he do that? La Habana??). But ugh yaaaasss that was such a satisfying power move watching him casually drop a ton of money in front of Robert and see Robert be like that meme of the lady who looks confused with all the mathematic equations floating around her lol. (That was terribly described but c’mon, you know the one.) Honestly I was so happy for Arman here because not only is he a fifth of the way closer to freedom, but he got to show the guy who thinks he has him completely backed into a corner that there is more to him than Robert realises. Robert clearly does not like to feel like he’s been tricked (which is ironic because he’s literally being tricked right now lol) so he immediately goes to Nadia to whine like the spoiled child that he is. I definitely did enjoy Nadia’s face when she learned Arman had paid off so much– yep, he did try to tell you last night, but you wouldn’t listen! Not that that means she wasn’t justified in everything she said last night, bc she was mostly right– there is absolutely 100% something going on with him and Thony– but to be fair to Arman, she’s wrong about what lines they have or haven’t crossed. But even so, his involvement with Thony doesn’t mean he was lying about selling the drugs, or when he said that he was doing this for him and Nadia (aka, for their freedom from Robert). Two things can be true at once Nadia!

Lol I love seeing Arman putting two relatively small boxes on the stack while in the background Thony is lugging a box off the truck that is practically as big as she is. Girl has got being self-reliant down to an art form. Ngl my brain is still very confused by the ‘how do they have both the money and the drugs in their possession’ question, but whatever, I‘ll roll with it (just like I’m rolling with Thony’s inexplicable outfit change back to what she was wearing at home last night; maybe the blue shirt got dirty between the meet this morning and now?). But who cares about these things when there’s completely unnecessary Armony touching to scream over??? I love that he holds out a hand to help her get down even though she has very clearly been hopping up and down from that van like a lil’ mountain goat all morning unpacking these meds (I also love that his other hand first covered hers on the box for like a split second before she straightened up ugh). But ugh she doesn’t shy away from him or say she’s fine– she just immediately puts her hand in his and lets him help her. Given that stubborn independence and self-reliance (like mentioned above) are some of Thony’s major character traits, I love to see little moments like this, which show that she is learning to accept help from the people that care about her, even when she already knows she could manage alone. (Bc the whole point is that she doesn’t have to anymore).

And so anyway she lets him help her down, and then ughhhhhhh they just… hold on??? And I say they bc honestly while Arman is more overtly deliberate in keeping that contact, it’s not like he’s preventing her from pulling away– his grip is relaxed, and she could have easily slipped her hand out of his the moment she was on solid ground (and without it seeming weird or like she was trying to get away from him), but she didn’t. Instead she just looks up at him, fingers still curled over his and thumb pressing against his skin, and ugh the way he's looking at her??? His fight with Nadia last night had such a feeling of finality to it, and while lbr he doesn't know for sure that she won’t backflip again and take him back when she calms down, he can’t help but let himself have this moment where he isn’t a man torn between obligation to one woman and love for another– he’s just a man looking at the woman he loves, the woman he could finally have a future with. And he shifts closer like he’s being pulled in by the dream of that future, and maybe she is too bc her eyes flick down to his mouth for just a split second– and then it’s like she snaps out of it, like ‘wait shit nope still married' and pulls back, her neck muscles tensing like she’s literally holding her breath??? And then she turns away for all of a second before she’s like '......unless….…?' lol and turns back to bring up the elephant in the room (or rather, the belongings in the truck haha), aka the signs of the possible dissolution of his marriage??? How uncomfortable must it be for her to acknowledge them, especially when they might actually mean nothing (she's seen the way Arman and Nadia fight, and yet thus far they’ve always still stayed together), or they might mean that things are really over between Arman and Nadia this time, which would open the door for the beginning (lbr, the progression) of something between the two of them??? But despite the awkwardness, it’s more important to her to make sure he’s okay, and ugh the way he steps closer to her again, his eyes on her face and voice all soft as he thanks her… Never thought I’d say this, but I’m almost glad for the appearance of Robert and Nadia, because oh man I can’t take this tension and all these unspoken truths. Ngl I did have a very brief moment of insanity when she said “If you want–” where I literally thought she was going to offer for him to come stay at her house ahahaha. I love that she did offer him somewhere to stay, though, because she cares about him and wants him to have a roof over his head. She’s trying to look after him, because that’s what they do for each other; and only a moment later he’s yet again looking after her by telling her to go into the storage room (presumably to have more cover/be closer to the exit on the other side if she needs to run) and ugh the way he puts his hand on his gun, ready to do whatever it takes to keep her safe. Honestly these two and their mutual care and protection of each other are going to be the death of me.

Anyway ughhh I am SO into this framing of Armony on one side and Nadia and Robert on the other. This is the shift I mentioned in a previous meta, with the Arman/Nadia partnership being severed and the two of them realigning with Thony and Robert (though lbr Arman and Thony were already very much aligned long before this, lol). I also love the framing of the shots inside the storeroom, with Arman behind Thony and his eyes on her rather than on Robert. I appreciate that Robert actually seems fascinated by the discovery of Thony’s actual profession, and the way his gaze flicks to Arman– whose eyes are still focused only on Thony– for confirmation. I also appreciate that he doesn’t actually sound sarcastic when he refers to her as ‘Doctor’; he’d been actually fairly respectful to her the day before, but there’s a new element to it now– maybe it’s that he feels she’s more worthy of respect now that he knows her profession (in which case, he’s a jerk), or maybe it’s just that he realises that he has underestimated the depth to her and is re-evaluating. Honestly I think she has intrigued him from the start and this has only added to that. But aaaaah I love when people who are used to being the one manipulating others– and who see themselves as the untouchable puppetmaster pulling the strings– get played themselves, and damn Armony did an amazing job at having Robert walk right into their trap. Because of course the man who wants to take everything Arman possesses would never be able to resist taking a chunk of his business away from him. (Though seriously, if one of them had been wearing a wire during this interaction, they would have had enough to hand Robert over to the FBI right away… but I guess that would have cut the episode pretty short haha). Anyway I’m so happy that Arman is now free from his deal to work for Robert (of course, so is Nadia, but lbr we all know that working for Robert suited her just fine). But ugh the look Arman gives her after ensuring her freedom from Robert– see, I told you I was doing this for you too– and the expression she’s wearing like she knows there’s more going on here than she understands, but she just can’t see it yet. I love the moment Armony share after Nadia and Robert leave– “You didn’t tell Nadia the plan?” / “No. That’s why it worked.” because a) it just further reiterates that Armony are their own team now and Nadia is not part of that (he literally let his marriage implode rather than defend himself to Nadia and jeopardise the plan), but also b) it’s gotta have Thony wondering what this little business deal will mean for Arman and Nadia’s marriage, and whether Nadia will let him come home now that she realises what he did to get them free of Robert. And while obviously the potential for Arman and Nadia making up is not at all what we want, I want Thony to realise that it’s not what she wants either.

But ugh of course Arman is immediately thinking about Thony’s safety and trying to convince her that he should go to the meet with Cortes alone– and of course she refuses and insists on coming with him lol. Tbh her argument about being able to answer any questions about the meds is weak (Arman could literally just call her if any came up), and we know the truth, even if she can’t face it herself. Because she’s almost lost Arman twice now– firstly when Hayak blew up his car a month ago and she spent a horrific week thinking he was dead, and then secondly when Hayak had him attacked in the prison (who knows if she’s actually aware of the third time, aka the prison shower showdown)– and both of those near-misses happened at times when they were separated. Since then, she can’t face the idea of him walking into a situation this dangerous on his own, can’t help but be terrified of what might happen to him– so the only (admittedly irrational) way she can control that fear is to be there too. And maybe she’s hoping that Cortes will be less likely to harm Arman if there’s a witness present, especially a woman– after all, her time in Arman’s world has shown her that there is still honour among criminals; and now, for him, she’s staking her life on it.

But anyway okay I’m confused again– why do they need money from the FBI for the drugs? They had no problem buying the drugs before with their limited funds (after all, they’ve said how cheap they are to buy from Mexico), but I guess maybe this time they’re getting way more? Idk. I love that Thony’s mind immediately went to the opportunity to steal from the FBI and take a cut for themselves (I see you’ve learned a few things, haha) and clearly Arman loved it too– ughhhh the way he just stares at her with such wonder and pride, and then abruptly looks away the moment she looks up at him lol. (Sorry, buddy, but not quick enough. She totally saw those heart eyes, but then again, it’s not like you’ve ever been particularly good at hiding them. Unlike her, who is maybe too good at it….)

Omg when did Garrett and Jefferson become such boyfriends???? “I’m an atheist” “sorry Russo, he’s an atheist” / “You’ve got nothing to worry about boss, we got this” and all the giddy little grins? Like geez guys try to be less like completely smitten newlyweds here haha. (Though lbr it’s super cute and I love it). Also my confusion about this entire Robert/Cortes situation continues, because literally last night it seemed like Garrett was going to keep his little teamup with Thony and Arman a secret– like when he said it was a false alarm and turned Jefferson away– but now he’s told the FBI all about it?? I guess maybe he was just waiting to get a clear plan from Thony and Arman that morning before he took it to Russo? Also lol at Russo mentioning Maya having met Thony– you can immediately bet Maya is going to show up at some point, despite Garrett’s assurances lol. Just like the comments about Thony being in danger if Cortes sees the FBI, and Garrett saying that nothing will go wrong. Famous last words lol…

So is La Habana gonna be like a shared custody arrangement, or…? Lol bc apparently rn Arman gets the office overnight and as soon as morning hits, she’s tossing him out. (That little finger click and gesture to get out? That was hot lol). Also I kinda love the clear way we are being shown the division between them, particularly in these shared spaces of theirs. And I love that this scene further reiterates that she was never just the pretty face around the club– they were both equally the pretty face that lured the customers, and the business sharks running the show behind the scenes. But omg, rumpled grumbly Arman all squished onto that too-small couch?? I love it so much haha. But lbr buddy ‘I didn’t have anywhere else to go’ is a lie, Thony made it very clear you were welcome to her bed… ahem, I mean the bed at the clinic. (Shhhh I can dream, lol). Also I will be 100% honest, I definitely stared at his thighs when he threw back the blanket haha, but I was totally just looking for evidence of the scar that should have been there from the explosion in 1x01. I swear :P But anyhow I actually am so happy about this fight, because unlike their fight in front of the house, this isn’t all fire and anger. The things said then could have been put down to heat of the moment, and the writers could have used this scene to have them talk it out and reconcile now that Nadia knows he was telling the truth about the drugs (even if she still doesn’t know the whole story, and she knows that there’s more to it). But instead the same argument is covered again, but with tiredness and resignation rather than furious attacks. ‘What I did was for us, can’t you see that?” / ”No, I can’t see it”-- honestly I feel like when Arman says ‘us’, he doesn’t mean them as a romantic couple; he means both of them, individually. And he has been fighting to free them both, because he cares about her and knows that being near Robert is only going to be bad for her in the long run. (Plus he just hates Robert and can’t stand the thought of Robert feeling like he’s ‘won’ her). But when Nadia hears ‘us’ she takes it to mean their relationship, their connection to each other. Which is why she doesn’t believe he’s fighting for ‘them’. But lbr these two are doomed either way– bc if they remain under the crushing pressure from Robert, they’ll crack under the strain until they shatter apart. And if they get free of Robert and re-establish the level of financial security they had before, then Arman will no longer have the same obligation to protect and provide for her, and he won’t be able to resist the pull towards what he really wants– a life with Thony.

The comment about the ring was interesting though– like whoever puts it on her hand (or more importantly, who she accepts it from) is laying claim to her? Originally it was Arman, but then the ring became Robert’s, and then he gave it to her– and so by her visibly wearing it, it’s now a sign of her connection to/acceptance of him rather than Arman. And lbr she could have put it away somewhere safe or even hocked it when Robert gave it back, but she chose to wear it, even knowing the message it would send to Arman. But ugh the way their voices get all low and he tells her she’s free of Robert, basically implores her not to get caught in his web again, and she holds back tears as she tells him that she knows that what he’s doing is for Thony. The fact that he stops trying to argue against it– he’s accepted that they both know it’s the truth now– and just tries to warn her in the only way he can that being close to Robert is dangerous, that he genuinely is trying to protect her, regardless of the state of their marriage. But ugh the quiet conviction in ‘my safety is not your concern anymore’ and ‘don’t be here when I come back’– we have seen them have many fights by this point, constantly lashing out at each other and pushing each other away, but always coming back to the safety and familiarity of their relationship– but to me, this is the point where their marriage truly ends. After this, I honestly can’t see the writers giving us scenes where they try to come back from this, aka try to ‘make it work’. I think they are definitely going to continue being in each other’s orbit– with La Habana, Robert, the drug business etc, there’s still a lot connecting them– but it will no longer be as a partnership. As allies, maybe, hopefully; but never again as husband and wife. (At least I really, really hope so.)

Omg I am in LOVE with Fi clearly just rolling with the fact that Thony is going to go undercover to meet a drug kingpin (it’s like that John Mulaney quote of “You know those days when you’re like, ‘This might as well happen’” lol), and aw she even goes all in to find her an outfit and make her look the part. Considering Fi has been the one doing most of the freaking out lately, I think it actually helps her (as well as Thony) to take a turn being the strong one, the one who says it’s all going to be okay. Thony’s feeling out of her depth, and so afraid for both Arman and herself– like I said earlier, maybe in the moment when she insisted on coming, she felt that having the two of them there must surely make it safer; as if even a high-level criminal would hesitate before killing two people (especially including a woman) because it doubles the likelihood of someone noticing them missing or knowing where they were last seen. But now she’s terrified that she might be wrong about that, and even more terrified that it might be her messing up somehow that gets them both killed. She insisted on coming because she thought it would protect Arman– but what if it does the opposite? What if he dies because of her?? And ughhh Fi reminds her of how brave and strong she is, and then gives her her ‘armour’ to wear so she can feel the part, and I just love them so much ughhhh. I have said it before that these two are the true centre of the show and I stick by that

Okay but we were 100% ROBBED of getting to see Arman’s first reaction to Thony in That Outfit. Am I going to fic it? Look, at some point, probably lol. Because you just know that that boy forgot his own damn name for a moment there when he first laid eyes on her. I’m picturing him and Garrett tensely standing at some designated meet point, waiting for her to arrive (maybe there was a bit of final briefing to do or something, idk) and as she pulls up they’re snarking at each other over something, and then when she steps out of the van Arman literally stops talking mid-sentence and just stares. And Garrett makes some teasing comment (like "careful, that puddle of drool will ruin those fancy shoes" or "what's the matter, zebra got your tongue?" Lol) that Arman doesn’t even hear– he's already walking towards her like he's being drawn by a magnet. Garrett huffs and then follows, then tells Thony that this outfit is much more on the mark than her goth one, but she’s not listening to him either. She’s only looking at Arman, and Garrett rolls his eyes a little and then does some very pointed throat clearing and then is all “Are we going to stand here having a staring competition all day or are we actually going to get this done?” and they snap themselves out of it. But anyway ugh the two of them driving in the caddy looking like that, with that sultry music over the top?? And the line “eye for an eye, heart for a heart, gave you my light, I’ll show you my dark” – like help??? Honestly whoever does the music for this show deserves a goddamn award. I have literally been listening almost solely to playlists of tracks from TCL for months now and I am loving it. But anyway major kudos to Arman for being able to focus on the road and not on the amount of bare thigh on display in the passenger seat lol; that’s some serious discipline right there. (Though lbr he’s had a lot of practice at trying not to stare at Thony haha, with varying levels of success).

But ugh the way she stays in her seat for a few moments after he gets out of the car, mentally readying herself– and then suddenly he’s there, opening the door for her and holding out a hand to help her onto her feet, and I love the symbolism of him aiding her through this almost as much as I loved the prolonged eye contact and hand holding ugh. The silent reassurance and support in the look he gives her? Help. Honestly I was hoping he’d hold out his arm and she’d take it so they’d walk into the place physically connected, but then it would have made her seem like someone who was more there for decoration than as his equal partner– ugh the power couple vibes were definitely strong. Loved that he continued to check in with her with little looks as they get inside and meet Cortes– also it just further reiterates that invisibility she has when she’s in her cleaning lady persona, considering Cortes saw her literally like 2 days ago in Robert’s office and yet doesn’t recognise her at all. I’ll acknowledge that it’s partly context (even if he thought he recognised her as the cleaning lady he’d seen, his brain would have convinced him that it didn’t make sense for her to be here like this now) but it’s definitely partly that he just didn’t see her, barely even looked at her in the office– even though he’s certainly looking today. This moment definitely highlights the way Arman saw her from the very start, even despite her wearing her cleaning lady invisibility cloak at the time, and it was unfathomable to him that anyone could overlook her. Ugh. (Also sidenote: hearing Arman say his name with the real accent during their introduction, rather than the Anglicised version, was super hot). Also omg catch me dying over Cortes saying “Me, I at least like a date before I jump into bed with someone, if you know what I mean” and the way Armony look at each other as Arman says “We feel exactly the same way.” Bc actually, you guys don’t just like ‘a date’ first, you like to completely entwine your lives and create an unbreakable bond of mutual trust and devotion before you get to the jumping in bed part hahaha. (and while I’m more than happy to wait for that bed part, please god let them it be coming at some point lol). Anyway I love that when they first sit down, he immediately orients his body towards Thony with his arm along the couch behind her, making the distance between them feel smaller ugh. Tbh I was surprised by how quickly their ‘date’ ended; and while he played it cool, Arman was clearly eager to wrap things up and get Thony out of there– and maybe Cortes picked up on that, or maybe not. Either way ugh this is the second time in only a few weeks that Arman has been forced to leave a woman he cares about in the company of a dangerous man; but at least with Nadia and Robert, he knew she was going to be safe. Leaving Thony must have been so much harder for many reasons, and tbh I think if he had seen in her eyes that she couldn’t handle being left behind, he would have done whatever it took to get her out of there with him. But Thony is badass and brave and did what had to be done, and that’s one of the many reasons why he loves her.

(Lol like halfway into the ep and already over 6.5k words. I am a mess. As much as I disapprove of them making Arman disappear for the rest of the ep, I do appreciate that it might be the only thing that saves me from myself haha)

Okay Garrett’s “He left her there” better not have any judgement in it, bc seriously boy you’ve seen how much Arman protects Thony– agreeing to the sting to take down Hayak, arguing for her to be let go when they were caught with the meds, etc– so don’t act like he would just willingly leave her in the clutches of a man like Cortes! Grrr. Anyway I just noticed Garrett is still wearing his wedding ring?? (and that Oliver has a finger tatt, lol). Honestly mate I think you’d be better off giving up on that one… especially since you are clearly not over Maya (wait do I ship it? Oh god maybe a little. gross)

Oh man, forcibly prolonged interactions with strangers are already so awkward, and this is even worse given the whole practically being kept captive thing. Like how much time has passed already? When did they move to sit by the pool? What have they been talking about? Has he actually asked anything about the drugs, which was her main argument for her being brought along in the first place? (Sidenote: just noticed this actor has forearm tatts that have been covered up, and I think they did the same for the actor playing JD bc I noticed something on his bicep last ep. How rude that they rob me of my chance to be nosy lol). But anyway omg “And how long have you and Arman been together?” / “Just a few months now,” (truth) ”but we’re not together, we’re business partners.” (lie lol). Well I guess it’s not so much a lie as it is not quite the truth. And haha “You could have fooled me” – I love this line because technically they are fooling him rn, but clearly not about their relationship lol. Like seriously, even this aloof criminal who saw them together for like all of five minutes could see what was between them. Ngl everyone can see that there’s something there, including Thony and Arman themselves, but they both refuse to acknowledge it openly because they’re too afraid of what it’ll mean if they do. Because think about it– what if one of them tells the truth about how they feel, and the other chooses not to take their relationship any further? Thony’s all too aware of Arman’s sense of obligation towards Nadia, and Arman’s afraid he’s too much of a liability to be worth the risk to Thony, especially when her family has to come first. And then there’s the even more terrifying option– what if they tell the truth and find that the other wants to be with them too, but then things fall apart later on?? After everything she went through in her relationship with Marco, Thony is afraid to trust someone with her heart (and Luca’s) again, and it would just be so hard to believe that someone used to the kind of upscale, intoxicating life that Arman has led could ever be happy in the simple family life that she has. Meanwhile Arman has always viewed himself as unworthy of her, and is afraid that someday she would realise it and abandon him, like so many others in his life have done. (Isabel, his parents, Hayak, and to an extent, Nadia). And so anyway with all of that, are we really surprised that neither of them will actually step up and say how they feel???

Wait dude it’s lunch time rn? So this guy has already had two glasses of wine before lunch on a weekday? Sorry bud but I have some professional advice for you regarding the level of your alcohol consumption lol. Also that huge plate of spaghetti and garlic bread is making me wonder how your cholesterol’s looking haha (says the girl who would absolutely demolish that meal given the opportunity lol). But anyway live fast die young I guess lol

Aww I love that Fi called JD! It’s so nice to see her having someone to lean on other than just Thony (who, lbr, is dealing with enough of her own shit) and ugh JD is so steady and kind (and tall. and cute. Have I mentioned lately that I ship it?). Honestly I was so nervous for her when she told him the truth about Chris– the fact that she did shows how close they really must have been when they were together– and his compassion for her made me love him so much. It makes sense that she can trust him about this though; he’d never do anything to hurt Jazz, and having her mother and brother jailed or deported is just about the worst thing he could possibly do to her. And that’s not to mention how much he cares about Fi herself, and Chris too, who he would have been a dad figure to when Chris was only a few years old ugh

And speaking of Chris– oh you foolish boy. You’ve really gone and done it now, putting your face and your name out there. Such a relief that JD got him out of there in time– hopefully they can come up with a plausible excuse for his visit before Flores comes knocking, for example that he came bc he wanted to request that if they found the video of Marco’s death, could they not tell his mom about it because he’s worried that it would hurt her too much to see it. But anyway ugh JD telling Chris he needs to forgive himself for the death he caused– I can imagine that a soldier who spent years at war knows a little about that. As much as I wanted a chance to see Arman bond with Chris, I definitely want to see JD & Chris bonding more (Arman can claim the Hot Uncle role later; let’s work on Hot Husband and Hot Stepdad first lol)

But ugh omg this whole conversation between J-Fi about when they split up and why she didn’t tell him she was undocumented and whether he would have proposed?? Helpp??? I am such a sucker for stories about people who love each other but who are kept apart by circumstances outside of their control– ideally I want the barriers between them resolved pretty quickly (Armony are definitely in this category lol) but I also love those like J-Fi, who get a second chance years later. So c’mon writers, send the girlfriend on her way and give us the J-Fi we deserve lol

Lol guess who learned something new today? I was all like ‘why does Arman call it Sportsbook when Nadia and Robert both call it Fast Lane??’ – well fun fact, a sportsbook is an establishment that takes bets on sporting events and pays out winnings. Clearly I am not a gambler or a televised sports enthusiast lol. But anyhow damn, respect to Nadia for dictating the terms of her business arrangement with Robert; she literally rocked up and bossed him around and he practically thanked her for it god I’m starting to get dom/sub vibes here too lol. But anyway Robert makes her feel admired and respected and wanted, whereas lately Arman has (unintentionally) made her feel tolerated rather than appreciated– while he does care for her greatly, I think he holds a subconscious level of resentment towards her, as the thing that stands in the way of what he wants above all else. And she can sense that, even when he’s not aware of it himself. But oooh her expression when Robert commented on the ring and how lovely it looks on her– I think she now sees that Arman was right, and Robert views it as a symbol of her connection to him rather than Arman, proof of him staking his claim. Interested to see what she does with that knowledge– like I said in another meta, I want her to use Robert and then throw him under the bus to take his kingdom right out from under him lol, but I guess I’ll have to wait and see on that one.

The fact that none of the many many guards at this very isolated property have noticed the random car hanging out nearby is a little ridiculous lol. As is the fact that Garrett gets into the compound by sneaking past when their backs are turned– Cortes should definitely fire every one of these goons lol

Ugh Thony looking out the window as if for rescue; makes me think of her “he always shows up when I need him” statement. She knows Arman can’t come for her right now– and in fact, by getting the drug handover done, he is literally doing everything he can to get her her freedom as soon as possible– but she still can’t help but wish for him to appear. And then lol at the ‘well, shit’ expression on her face when Maya walks in. I actually really enjoy the way these two interact, and how they both try to protect the other– Maya by warning her to get out and away from Cortes asap, and Thony by trying to convince her to do the same. Totally in love with the little ‘oh, honey’ look that Thony gives Maya when she learns of her relationship with Garrett; lbr Thony can definitely relate to falling in love with someone she probably shouldn’t have, but at least for her that someone is a man who will literally always put her before himself, which is clearly something Maya didn’t get from Garrett. But while he may be a selfish asshole, Thony knows he really has been trying hard to protect Maya, and that there are good sides to him– certainly far more than Cortes, who is only ever going to hurt her worse and worse until one day she ends up dead. Honestly when Thony said she’d been with someone who hurt her too, I gasped aloud, because I have always believed that Marco (while definitely abusive in multiple other ways) was never physically abusive towards her. I always felt that while Thony accepted/tolerated a certain level of his emotional/financial/social abuse, she would never have tolerated him getting physically violent with her, partly because she has too much fire in her for that, but mainly because she wouldn’t have been able to trust that that violence wouldn’t eventually be turned on Luca, and she could never allow that. So her comment to Maya had me all like omg?!??, and then she added ‘not physically’ and I was just like jesus don’t scare me like that lol. Also later she tells Maya “The way he treats you is not love” and honestly this line says so much. And tbh anyone who judges Thony for ‘cheating’ on Marco– a man who abused her for years and put their son’s health at further risk, and who she could not legally separate herself from/who made it financially almost impossible for her to escape from– can piss right off imo

Anyway omg when Thony had Cortes’ gun to her head ugh… my poor baby deserves all the peace and happiness in the world and yet she gets so much fear and suffering instead. I loved seeing Maya rescue her though, and then Thony immediately trying to rescue her right back– as ever, this show is THE BEST when it comes to women helping other women. And ugh they looked like such a badass duo there facing off against Cortes, Thony staying close by her side and giving her her strength and support. But ugh he did what abusers do and weaseled his way closer until he was almost able to strike– if he’d gotten the gun from Maya, they’d both have been dead in seconds. Which is why I’m pretty much on Garrett’s side when it comes to shooting him tbh; I know that a cop shooting an unarmed man is terrible, but in this context it was the right call, because like I said, he was literally moments from killing them. And to allow one or both of them to be hurt/killed before he could be ‘legally’ taken out is just insane. Damn at Garrett’s trust in his aim though– Cortes and Maya were standing very close– and daaaaaaamn at Thony’s quick thinking (she has learned a few things from being in Arman’s world lol). Honestly so proud of the fact that she did that for Garrett; she and Maya could have just stood there and done nothing, and then told the FBI the truth about what happened– and they would have likely faced no consequences, while Garrett would be hauled away for manslaughter or something (I assume?). But Thony understands that legal and illegal don’t always match up with right and wrong, and she knows that Garrett just saved both of their lives– and so in return, she saves his freedom. It’s going to make their dynamic even more interesting now, and tbh I can’t wait to see more of how they interact and help each other in the future, especially now that he will literally never threaten or blackmail her ever again.

Anyway, not sure what I’ll be stressing over more between now and next ep– Thony getting caught for her aiding and abetting (because as @enigmaticfox brilliantly pointed out, Thony put the gun in Cortes’ left hand, but we definitely saw earlier that he’s right-handed ugh), or Flores looking into Chris, or the (thankfully unlikely) possibility that Arman had a run-in with Sin Cara when trying to get the drugs and ended up in a world of trouble of his own aaaaahhhh (for once I’m actually tempted to watch the promo for next ep, but nah, I’ll just suffer in suspense instead lol)

Alright that’s all for 2x06, kids. See you in a couple of weeks with a recap which will undoubtedly break 10k based on how quickly things are going downhill with my self control lol

#The Cleaning Lady #Armony #TCL recaps #hit a new record today guys are you proud of me lol #I am both proud and terrified haha #honestly how will I survive the next half of the season when the Armony REALLY gets going #(spoiler: I won't)

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athousandbyeol · 10 months

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helo helo was down for a bit but am back for now

how have you been ???? hope you doing well and fine and alright and OK and healthy and is safe.

the unboxing video is soo cutteee i could literally feel the excitement and I was squealing with yoh also I love ypur chrome bg it's pretty my guncher also the traumatic side of me whenever I saw u handling the cardholder kept seeing the letter from cher O_O am sorry am as traumatised as gun when he wakes up to an empty bed in ep12 and freaks out o.o

annddddd I saw these videos and thought you might like it

https://twitter.com/minty_licious/status/1678478467229265920?t=IKpFS9mgSS8KqPLx_qxDlw&s=19

https://twitter.com/F0XMOCHI/status/1678722424542752769?t=UKbPOeY7vYj0vZFoCJWsMg&s=19

hope it makes your day!!! <3

also that was such a beautiful topmew discussion it gives so much depth to the trailer and the pics and guess what I am someone who focuses and gives attention to eveey little detail while watching something I like tjough i don't k ow how to put them to words it's all in my head I otice it all and reading your discusiions/analysis pure bliss is what I felt <3

also I zoned out for a while and forgot whaf i was about yo say... anyhhoo... have a lovely day/night

#the unboxing video was soooo cute

#atp I feel cherkrub is like a kink for them?

#it was beautiful you are beautiful inside out

#bye see you later

#I am really sorry if I am annoying you with all these asks of mine randomly

hi hi hi :) i hope you're feeling/doing better now. the weather is constantly changing so i hope you'll stay hydrated and just overall, taking care of your health ^^

thanks for asking. i'm doing well. but i'm a bit under the weather so i'm just resting at the moment. i hope your wishes for me will be granted. i appreciate it very much.

AHHH thank you :') i still couldn't believe it came waayy earlier than expected. but i'm thankful it safely reached me before other things happen in my life hahaha. i've changed the background because it didn't show up when i refresh the tab :( a bit sad but it's no big deal. wait— i'm sorry... now you've mentioned it, that moment was indeed traumatising. couldn't even imagine how lost gun felt when cher left him with only a note. <'3

op the first video! i watched it without the audio yet i still blushed! aside from it being a religion, i think it should be illegal... it has awoken some questionable things in me that i choose not to address. xD

it did make me smile :( how cute! p'book is really adorable <3 thanks for always sending me these cute videos. i'm so happy to look at them all.

i think you've seen this before but it's so best friend behaviour and i love that about them :') why are they such dorks? goodness. they need to slow down. and this too... i have tears in my eyes every time these pictures pass my timeline. how wonderful. i hope they'll be happy with each other for a long time.

oh my God, you read my discussion??? i'm going to hide now—

thank you. i haven't seen much discussion on only friends probably because the show hasn't aired yet. but i think it's fun to build up theories and make speculations before we get the real thing (just to see everything crumble because i'm always wrong xD). anyway! i'm glad the discussion provided clarity to your own input about the characters. i'm also thankful that you saw what i saw! which is cool! i'm such a sucker for colours/symbolism so it's nice to know someone sees it too.

hahahaha it's ok. i do that all the time. and i just wanna say thanks for wanting to talk with me. i have a feeling you have a lot going on in your head and i also have many thoughts. therefore when we communicate like this, i feel like my ideas are clarified to an extent, which is liberating. so thanks op for sending these asks. i'm thankful.

#i tried so hard to suppress myself from screaming #oh there must be some smexy things behind closed doors that we'll never know about guncher hehe #oh. i don't deserve that. but thank you. you're very kind #no you're not annoying me :( i think i'm annoying you because i feel my energy doesn't match yours?#i'm sorry if my replies seem insincere... or anything in between #but i'm really happy to talk with you :)#take care and i hope to see you around sometime #personal #na answers

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holyalto · 2 years

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♡ A Sims Tag! ♡

This is from ALMOST a year ago. I seen it in my drafts so it's getting posted NOW because I'm finally playing the sims again lol.

Show us a rendition of yourself in your own art! Can be anything! Sims render? Random stick figure? Picrew? Go nuts! (Just be sure to tag the artist if you use someone else’s picrew!!!!) Tag the blogs you want to know, and don’t be a dick that’s it! Also, feel free to answer as vague or in-depth as you want. And if you don’t want to answer a question for any reason just don’t vibe with it! Skip it if you wanna!

(original tag by morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy and the original post is here. i was tagged by cosmiksims, thank you!!)

1.) Do you prefer to be referred by your name or blog name?

either one is fine with me! i go by my nickname on here anyway. my full name is mercedes. :)

2.) Where are you from?

ohio. i have never tasted anything except corn and chocolate covered blobs of peanut butter in my life. someone please help me.

3.) Do you have pets? 👀

yes! my fiance and i have quite a few. we have a cat named tiramisu, a guinea pig named cookie, a bearded dragon named borris, a leopard gecko named anubi and a florida king snake that i call roach because i can't pronounce his real name <3 (and i don't like him rip)

4.) Tell us about your “dream.”

i just want to be a good mother, partner, friend, family member, stranger. that's it. i know it's very simplistic but that's my dream. i want to be a good person.

5.) Aside from art, what are your hobbies?

my 'art' is playing the sims apparently hahahaha. uhm, i like other video games as well. more simulation management style. things like software inc, jurassic world evolution, project highrise, tropico, ANIMAL CROSSING EEEEE, etc.

6.) Does anyone irl know about your blog?

my fiance! he called my bee legacy 'fan fiction' and i nearly died.

7.) Do you know anyone from your blog irl?

nope.

8.) What are some fun facts about you?

i own every animal crossing main game. i still play pokemon go everyday. i have a six month old son who is VERY cute. and i'm turning 22 next month.

9.) What’s your day job?

i'm a stay at home mom :)

10.) What’s your aesthetic?

uh!! next question because i'm just... slob trait lmao

11.) What kind of artist are you?

i actually went to graphic design school. college sucks hard when you're mentally ill tho lol

12.) How did you get into your form of art?

art - wattpad. i was 12 and started making book covers for people haha. i got really into photo manipulation after that and took that as my focus in vocational school and then went and did about two semesters of it in college. sims - i was 11 and wanted the paranormal pack. my mom went out and bought it for me because i begged for it for days. i played with it daily and eventually collected all of the sims 3 packs except for the last one. it took me a long time to switch to sims 4 after release because i was stubborn. i bought it like four months late, opened it twice, hated that i didn't understand the controls, and refused to play it again until a few months later.

13.) What do you watch/listen/read/anything else while you create?

youtube mostly, in the background. a lot of flabaliki/simssupply and buzzfeed unsolved because i love them and their dumb faces so much.

14.) What meme would you use to describe yourself?

probably the 'not a thought behind those eyes' tiktok audio

15.) If you were on the run, what would you change your name to?

why would i just give away information i may need in the future

16.) Have you ever or do you want to change blog names?

yes! i want to but i have some cc that uses that name. so i'll stick with it.

17.) God forbid Tumblr decides to pull a MySpace and lets us have page songs, what song would you choose?

i would simply delete my blog.

and now, the tags. only if you’re comfortable though! ♡ just tagging the people i see most in my notifications. don't feel pressured <3 @almost-spring @coatedinhoney @whyhellosims + absolutely anyone else. just say i tagged you.

#taggame #tag game #saviorhide

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gogoakechi · 1 year

Text

finally finished farhenheit 451 for class and i liked it a lot. i will state a disclaimer that my review is gonna be skewed since i was reading and analyzing it on a suffocating timer of less than a week on top of my other classwork and Work work. i know i wouldve enjoyed it a lot more if i wasnt going through it with the constant thought of "oh my god im running out of time"

anyway i REALLY liked bradburys use of symbolism and metaphor and description of common things as abstract concepts. also just how he sets the tone and speed of individual scenes. honestly by his writing alone every other adaptation is straight up inferior simply because it doesnt have it. youre absolutely not going to get the same feeling watching a movie adaptation as you would reading the book because you cant referred to a tv as a wall of families when you look at it and its just. a tv

most importantly though i found the message to be very realistic and honest and not at all the "books are the True Light everything Sucks without books just because theyre Books" kind of superiority complex i half expected. in fact, its ironic that i went in with that assumption since there are multiple points in the story that drive in that technology isnt all brainwashing and books arent inherently going to make you wiser. one of the characters at the end states that even when they had books they werent truly doing anything with them. the message seemed to moreso be about like. genuinely taking in the world around you and all the knowledge and memories it contains instead of just constantly feeding yourself instant gratification via tv and radio shows (examples today being social media and doomscrolling and only watching videos under fifteen minutes). were for real conditioning our minds to only want to take in surface level ten second information and we like to call it the consequences of adhd or depression or whatever but i really think its becoming a universal issue in this age. like even when i was doing my study guides for the book i was mindlessly opening and closing discord and tumblr and grasping absolutely nothing from them but images i wont remember the second i get back to my study guide. anyway ill cease that rant i need to get to bed

bradbury also does a really good job of utilizing his characters for the narrative. they all have their purpose and analyzing it i felt like this man stayed up all night every night trying to draw lines between factors in his own story. it all feels so real and meaningful. the scene where montags floating down the river feels especially profound against the chaos of the rest of the book

also. i love you captain beatty he was expertly used in the narrative. nobody fucking gets you like i do

i dont really have any complaints honestly. it wasnt like an Amazing book but it was genuinely really good and i can see why its been called a classic. you can really feel the depth of its thought and meaning and how much heart bradbury put into it. great book

#also ive concluded that the mechanical hound is just some fucked up dystopian version of a dalmation #like i said before bradbury liked to use abstract metaphors for simple things #so i was waiting for more clues to figure out what it was supposed to represent #but now i really think that was the only one that was literal #personal

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thegeminisage · 11 months

Text

major spoilers

working my way towards the forgotten temple and found a well that went all the way to the depths...girl help idw to do this again so soon 😭

unfortunately i feel compelled

at least there's a lightroot right off the bat. thank god

amazing how you can see across half the map btw. like theres shit lit up literally that far away from me but i can see it from here

gloom chest??

GLOOM MOLDUGA HELLOOOOO

no ugh wait its just that water temple boss nooooo

FINALLY got it. that took for fucking EVERRR

there better be something real fuckin good in this chest.

YOOOOO a huge crystalized charge........worth 100, so another energy well basically. i wanted armor but ill take it lol

got pulverized by a monster camp. this is why i never engage them lol i have less than half my hearts remaining

i'm right under the forgotten temple!! pleeeease let there be something cool here.........

"cliff bargainer statue" i don't fucking see it

oh. that can't be it. that's so...big

girl help how do i get it to bargain?? it's creepy also

i climed it to the top and i started getting mist like in the lost woods...i'm on top of a giant statue on top of a huge mountain, am i too close to the "ceiling"? i wonder what happens when you get too high? i'm not patient enough to find out for myself but i eagerly await the youtube videos in my future

oh!!! you can buy one of a kind items from the statues now...if i broke biggoron's sword or for some reason sold oot link's tunic, i could purchase another. thank goodness lol

OH I WENT ON TOP OF HIS HEAD AND I DID FIND THE CEILING.........

too bad i can't ascend thru it lol

since i was so high up, i easily scored another lightroot that would have been hugely difficult to get otherwise

im fast traveling back to the forgotten temple since thats where i was going anyway. theres only so much of the depths a girl can take lol

god i'm so low on food i need to stop and cook and also to unlock more great fairies augh

i read somewhere the game gets harder w every temple, and here i am still wearing level 2 armor...

wait...this room behind the toppled goddess statue...THIS IS SONIA'S GRAVE HOLY SHIT

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE...i hadn't seen it in cutscenes yet...man, 10k years later...that's fucking insane

it's also weird that there are supposedly 12 dragon tears and only 11 on this map...i bet the last one is hidden somehow and it's gonna fuck me up

oh!!! i can see a great fairy from here...i probably can't help her without doing the quest though :/

well, at least i can go find the stable/shrine and make a fast travel point lol

i see a dragon that i THOUGHT was naydra...but it's too...gold?? i zoomed in on it and that's definitely not naydra

Is That Zelda.

CAMERA SAYS LIGHT DRAGON IS THAT ZELDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GIRL COME BACK I AM DOWN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't get to her...whaatatata the ffucckckc

oh my GODDDD GIRL COME BACK.........................

even if i fast traveled somewhere high enough that i could reach her...wouldn't she despawn...?

worth a shot i guess

SHES STILL HERE AND MY MASTER SWORD QUEST MARKER IS THERE

GIRL I AM COMING TO FIND YOU

actually lmao i dont have enough stamina potions for this sob

wait wait she's headed towards the forest so maybe if i come AT her instead of chasing her.......

YES YES YES I STILL SEE HER GIRL I AM COMING TO FIND YOU

i l

i landed on her. oh my god

i'm choked up. girl WAKE UP.......

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

i tried to grab it which obviously hurt her!!! and i have to! have! enough stamina!!!!!!!

WHAT IF I NEVER FIND HER AGAIN

i hate to leave her like this. i'm distraught!!!!!!!!!!

#personal #loz blogging #totk lb #totk spoilers

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magentagalaxies · 2 years

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📺😈👬

📺Favorite Kids in the Hall season?

Answered this a little while back and said 3 but i think i'm currently more inclined towards season 4. tbh i can find a reason to love every season bc they had such a consistent run in terms of quality and each era had something to offer but 3 & 4 are the sweet spot for me, 3 has the highest number of episodes with favorite sketches and really showcases each cast member's talents in an equally great way, but something about season 4 just feels so radically queer in a way that's present throughout the entire show but becomes a lot more specific in that era. like there's a criticism of respectability politics that works its way into a lot of these sketches which i found very empowering watching in 2022. also long hair scott is very gender lmao

someday i'm gonna do a video essay series analyzing season by season for the evolution of the show but for now here's a nice thing about each season:

season 1: so many classics, great way to introduce people to the show, oh my god these are just kids messing around making a comedy show they have no idea what they're doing (affectionate)

season 2: oh damn they've got a bit more money and a bit more experience but they're still just as chaotic as ever so now we get some bigger sketches. also a lot of recurring characters i could've sworn were introduced in season 1 but nope this is their source

season 3: could throw on any episode from this era and still laugh my ass off. the bruce women renaissance (tho i might be mixing that up with season 4). recurring characters start getting a weird amount of lore/backstory/character development and i am living for it.

season 4: queer as in fuck you. long hair scott era. starting to get a bit more experimental with sketch format. also opening title sequence is a vibe.

season 5: experimental as hell (even if i don't laugh at some of these sketches i still respect them for the audacity lmao). since they knew it was the last season they somehow give less of a fuck and have more fun. the finale makes me cry.

season 6: i feel like i'll need a bit more distance from season 6 (and hopefully another revival season to contrast it against) to truly pick out more specifics but tbh i just love that the kids are still just as funny decades later and they had a great balance of old characters with new sketches.

Anyway sorry for writing a whole essay lmao

😈Simon & Hecubus or Sizzler & Sizzler?

Sizzler & Sizzler!! (actually wasn't a huge fan of Sizzler & Sizzler at first but then I saw the "treatment" sketch and was like hold up they have backstory??? and depth??? dave foley's range??? why is dave's jerry sizzler gender???? so now i'm like i could write a whole essay on them too)

👬How many Daves do you know?

At least 6

send me emojis for kids in the hall opinions

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nevermindirah · 3 years

Note

Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).

Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)

The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.

In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.

Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?

I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.

Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.

And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.

I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.

Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.

I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.

One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)

Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.

Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.

It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.

Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.

#nile freeman #linguistics #TOG POC Love Fest #nileweek2021 #tog meta #tog #long post #mine #antiblackness #jewish things #hi i'm an antizionist jew no i don't really want to talk about it

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