#anorexiacomfort

[keltoia]

TW: ED - PLEASE ADVISE

Can ana cause GERD? I do eat daily but highly restrictive. I try to have around/less than 800-1000 calories per day, and its gotten me down to the 123-121lbs range (I'm 5'3) which I'm happy about. Not quite ugw but I'm hoping to build on muscle from here and tone the rest of the fat away.

My food intake has fluctuated a lot over the past month between binges and corrective restriction tho so I've been dropping and spiking eradically within the 120s weight range.

Today is the second day in a row where there's this sharp pain behind the point of my sternum. Yesterday was awful, accompanied by back pain between the shoulder blades and cramping in the stomach (I'm afab but it's not cycle related).

I'd had a big meal the night before (BLT with chips) but nothing I hadn't eaten before so it's not like something was especially spicy or a new food or anything. And I was in enough pain that I ate a lot more than I usually would (starting with chicken noodle soup) just to try and get some relief. Which eventually worked.

But today is the second day in a row where that sharp sternum pain is presenting itself. Hasn't gotten too bad yet but it was bad enough yesterday that I was forced to call out of work.

None of my bras are too tight or anything. It just hurts.

Is ana habits a cause? Or could there possibly be something else?

#tw ana shit #an0r3c1a #notprojustusingthetags #ed di3t #ed disorder #mental illness tw #4n0rexic #4n4rexia #4n4t1ps #ana vent #ana tips #ana #ana foods #ana trigger #anatumblr #anorexiacomfort #tw ed behavior #tw ed #ed rant #ed coping #binge ed #ed not ed sheeran #ed relapse #ed vent #tw ed diet #tw ed rant #tw ed sheeran #disordered eating thoughts #tw edd #edblrr

[winter-soldier-vibes]

She’d rather be beautiful than alive (Avengers x Anorexic reader)

She'd rather be beautiful than alive

Based loosely on the song Deadly Beauty by Alexa Shea

Avengers x anorexic reader

Word count: 2070

Warnings: anorexia, purging, over exercise, depression

Summary: Reader has a serious eating disorder and the team decides to hold an intervention.

-------------------------

Nobody saw it coming. No one needed to. 

You were always so….well, you. Badass fighter, wouldn’t take no for an answer, life-loving Y/N! There was never any reason for anyone to worry about you. But little did they know

You had a secret. 

You had just gotten out of a serious relationship. You had loved him, but apparently he didn’t  anymore. No, you had found out he had been cheating on you. Someone who was prettier than you, skinnier than you. And that was a few weeks ago. You never stopped loving him, and you’d do anything to get him back. 

The team knew that breakup was pretty rough for you, but you hid how torn apart you were. You didn’t want them to worry about you or think that you were being stupid for feeling so broken because of him. 

It started out small. You began skipping Cap’s training sessions, claiming you were tired, but in reality you couldn’t sleep. You made it up later in the day, spending hours on the cardio machines or punching away all of your feelings. You stopped eating. You couldn’t...no, you wouldn’t. After seeing him with that skinny girl? No way. But when the team all got together for meals, you would participate so no one would get suspicious. Afterwards, you would go to your room and put on some music before going into your bathroom to get rid of the little you had eaten.

You were convinced that if you were perfect you could get him back. But what you didn’t realize was that you were already beautiful. And because you didn’t know this, you were destroying yourself in the pursuit of perfection. And you told yourself “I’d rather be beautiful than alive.”

This went on for a few months. Your clothes became baggier, you became more withdrawn and anxious, and you were obviously getting thinner. At first the team had pegged it on the breakup, thinking it would be a phase and that you would get over it. Plus, you were eating around them, so they weren’t too concerned. But the longer this went on and the more weight you lost, the more concerned the team became. 

They tried to approach you about it, but you would just wave them off or change the subject. You didn’t want anyone to stop you from becoming perfect. You were losing significant amounts of weight and along with it, your strength. You were spending more and more time in your room, too afraid of the conversations the team was trying to have with you.

The team decided to take the time to have a meeting to discuss what was going on. They were all worried about you and wanted to figure out the best way to move forward.

They all gathered in the living area in silence for a few minutes, no one really knowing how to start. Most of them were sitting, but Steve stood, not feeling able to sit. They were all really worried about you and your health. They knew it had been a hard time for you recently, but things were getting out of hand.

“So what do we know right now?” Tony started.

Steve sighed and leaned against his hands on the back of his chair. “She stopped coming to training sessions a few months ago. But later on in the day I’ll find her in the gym. I don’t really think anything of it but sometimes I’ll walk by hours later and she’s still on the same machine. She’s lost a lot of strength and she’s lost a lot of weight. I mean, I know she eats with us but I don’t understand how she’s gotten so thin.”

Bucky entered the conversation, adding “I’m not so sure she’s sleeping anymore either. She always seems so exhausted.”

“But is that exhaustion from lack of sleep or lack of food?” Nat asked. Everyone turned to look at her with confusion. “Oh come on, I mean, yeah, she eats with us, but like...once every few days? Has anyone seen her outside of that?””

The team dropped their heads, trying to think of the last time they had seen you eat outside of the team meals only to realize they hadn’t seen you period outside of team meals. 

The team fell silent again after a few solemn shakes of their head. After a few minutes, Bruce said, “I think I know what’s going on.”

“She barely eats anymore, she goes to the gym for hours at a time, she’s withdrawing, she’s lost significant amounts of weight, hiding in her room, not sleeping…” He looks up to see everyone staring at him. “Guys, I think she’s anorexic.”

At first people started to protest, but then realised that it made a lot of sense. They fell silent again, until Steve asked “When did this even start? Why would she hurt herself like this?”

After thinking for a moment, Bucky said “Her boyfriend.” He looked up to meet the eyes of the rest of the team. “After they broke up, she started distancing herself from us. Stopped eating, upped the workouts… God how did we not see this sooner?”

Knowing he was right, they all began to have different reactions.

Tony was angry. He didn’t understand why you would do this over some asshole. Bruce was concerned, a little more so than everyone else due to his medical background. Sam, Steve and Bucky were ready to go kill your ex out of pure rage. And Wanda and Natasha were already trying to think of ways to help you, you were like a sister to them. But underneath all of this, everyone had a similar feeling - they all blamed themselves.

For not noticing sooner. Hell, for not doing something sooner. They let you brush them off, they would watch you overwork yourself, they watched you dwindle down to nothing - they let you slowly kiil yourself. 

“So what do we do now?” Steve broke the silence. 

Everyone looked at Bruce, figuring he would know since he knew the most about Anorexia. He paused for a minute before stating “Well, we should probably set up some sort of intervention. She needs to know we care. But…” he shakes his head before continuing “She’s not going to be very open to it. She’s probably going to get really defensive about it and deny it to some extent. But there’s no telling how it’s going to go.”

“So when should we do it?” Steve asks

“When should we do what?”

Everyone whipped around at the sound of your voice to see you standing at the entrance of the living space. No one had heard you walking in. 

“Hey, Y/N.” Bruce spoke. Can you come sit down?”

You wanted to say no, as you had been on your way to the gym. But you had picked up on the serious tone in the room, and nodded your head, sitting in the chair that Steve was standing behind. He walked around to the other side of the room and looked at you. “Are you okay Y/N?”

No, you did NOT want to have this conversation. You weren’t done yet and you knew they would just stop you. You needed to be perfect and you weren’t there yet. “Yeah, I’m fine. That's it?”

“Y/N, no you’re not. Don’t lie to us.”

“Tony!”

“What he means,” Bruce interrupted, more gently, “is that we’re worried about you.”

You looked at him and attempted (and failed) a smile. “Why would you be worried about me?”

Bruce sighed before continuing. “Y/N, you’re not eating. You’re extremely thin. You work out way too much every day. You’re withdrawing, you’re tired… what’s going on?”

“:No I’m not!” you exclaim, standing up. You ignore the black invading your vision. “Look, I appreciate the concern and all, really. But I assure you, I am fine. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go.” You begin to make your way to the door you came in, but Bruce nodded at Steve who then stood in front of the doorway.

“Steve, please get out of my way.” you said while averting your gaze. If you made eye contact surely he would know something was up.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that Y/N.” he said gently. 

“Steve, please -”

“Y/N, I’m sorry but you’re not going anywhere until you talk about this.”

At that moment you felt extremely trapped. You were panicking. If you didn’t get out of sight soon you would break down in front of everyone. You weren’t ready for that. So you showed an emotion that was much more comfortable: Anger.

“Steve, seriously, just move the fuck out of my way.” You attempted to push him, but to no avail. You kept trying, but because he was Steve and you being so weak, nothing happened. You kept pushing until Steve grabbed your wrists and your anger began to melt into anguish. “I’m not perfect yet.”

This took him by surprise, and he looked to everyone else in the room. No one else had heard what you had said. He led you back to the chair, tears beginning to brim your eyes as you kept your head down. Steve took a deep breath before asking “What do you mean you’re not perfect Y/N?”

Your tears began spilling over, and you shook your head. “It’s not going to make any sense to you guys. Just forget it…”

“Y/N, whatever it is, we just want to help. What’s this about?” Bruce said.

You put your head in your hands, trying to hide the shame and panic in your features. You started, “I just...I thought… if I….then maybe…” you sighed, and pulled at your hair for a second, tying to ground yourself. After a few seconds you closed your eyes and tried again. “When I broke up with (name of ex or someone you want attention from), it was because he was cheating on me. He was seeing someone who was just...better than me. God this sounds so stupid...sorry… I just thought that if I was better then maybe…  maybe he’d come back. At least that’s how it started. Now… I mean I want to stop sometimes, it’s just… I just feel like I’m too far gone. I’m sorry…” 

By this point you were shaking and you couldn’t bring yourself to look at the rest of the team. You felt panic setting in now that everything was out and you just wanted to get out of the room, away from watching eyes. You tried to get up and leave again, but this time it was Bucky who stopped you. He had been sitting right next to you and grabbed your wrist, standing up with you. You tried to wrestle your arm free, but he just encased you in a hug. You fought for a few seconds but then gave way, crying into his shoulder. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Bucky asked you

You stepped back and sat back down. “I didn’t know what to say. I thought...I just don’t know how to stop.”

“Just let us help you. Please, Y/N, we want to help you.” Bruce offered.

“I can’t stop…”

“Yes you can, Y/N. you mean so much to everyone on this team. You are amazing, forget whatever he made you feel.” Steve began. “I’m sorry we didn’t say something sooner.” you saw the rest of the team nod their heads. In response you shook yours. “I never thought that it would go this far.”

“Hey,” you looked at Bucky sitting next to you. “It’s not your fault. You’re trying your best with what you were given. It’s okay. And it’s going to be okay even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.”

You looked down. “Thank you guys. I’m sorry for all of this.”

Sam finally spoke up. “No sweat, kid. Now, remind us of this dude’s name.”

You looked at him puzzled. “Why?” 

“Because I think it’s time the Avengers pay Mr. Son of a Bitch a visit.”

You laughed and looked up at the rest of them. “I really do love you guys.”

#avengers #steverogers #buckybarnes #brucebanner #samwilson #tonystark #marvel #fanfiction #comfort #anorexiacomfort #deadlybeauty #alexashea #songlyrics #imagine

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Running on empty (Bucky x reader)

Running on empty

Bucky x anorexic reader

Word count: 1810

Warnings: lots of eating disorder talk/behaviors, self hatred

Summary: Reader relapses in their eating disorder, and the team has a bad feeling about what’s going on. Once they figure it out, Bucky comes to find you

-----------------------

When you were younger you were always an overweight kid. And everyone made sure you knew that they knew. Your peers always made fun of you for being fat. Your family always talked about weight loss techniques, some even going so far as surgeries. And your doctor was the worst… they would always make you feel guilty about it. You would go in for an injury and she would blame your weight, saying you’d be the youngest person they’d ever seen to have organ failure due to their weight. 

You didn’t let it bother you for the longest time. You somehow found a way to be confident in yourself, keep your head up, and not let the comments get to you. Your parents claimed they didn't have to worry about you because you were the most confident person they knew.

But one day it all caught up to you.

You were transitioning into college and you were feeling really stressed. Years of emotional torment were really taking their toll on you, and as much as you put on the same brave face for everyone, you weren’t fooling yourself anymore. You absolutely hate your appearance. And so, you decided to start dieting and exercising.

3 months in and you stopped eating almost entirely

4 months in and people started to notice

9 months in and you were hospitalized with a feeding tube because you were dangerously underweight.

Years later and you were still dancing between the hospital and the real world, unable to stop the addiction you had with starving yourself.

Eventually, you had gotten it under control and went into remission. You went on to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and got to work with the Avengers often. You had advanced knowledge that proved useful to the team on missions so you often trained with them and accompanied them on missions. You were closer with them than you were with your actual family. You felt pretty happy.

Until you didn’t

You had noticed little flare ups here and there. If a mission didn’t go well you would find yourself training in the gym for hours at a time or fasting for a day or two. After one of Tony’s extravagant parties you often found yourself drinking so much that you would vomit or doing it yourself. And just looking at Natasha could cause you to tear up because you felt inadequate. 

It bothered you, it really did. You kept telling yourself that it was fine and it was normal to do these things, but you knew deep down that it wasn’t. But you just kept trying to be your normal self. 

But one day a flip just switched.

What the trigger was, you weren’t quite sure. Maybe it was just some jealousy over Natasha again. Maybe it was a mission gone wrong. Or maybe you had just stared at yourself for a little too long in the mirror getting ready, but you decided you’d had enough. You didn’t eat that day, and by the time you went to bed you knew that this wasn’t a one day type of thing. But you also knew that you would feel better if you lost a few pounds.

Over the next few days, you made excuses to miss meals with the team, claiming you had some work or training to do, or that you had already eaten. And sure, you’d get a few cocked eyebrows but they’d drop it pretty quickly. After a few weeks though, everyone started getting concerned for you.

“Does she, like, not want to be around us anymore?” Sam asked

“I don’t know what’s been going on, but (Y/N) has been acting so distant for the past few weeks. I don’t like it” Steve said, worry etched on his face. 

The team kept sharing their concerns, but Bucky stared off, wheels turning in his head trying to piece things together.

“When was the last time we saw her eat?” he asked quietly, almost to himself. 

Everyone fell silent, hearing him speak but not knowing what he said. “What did you say Buck?” Steve questioned

“Bucky looked around the table at his friends. “She always disappears around meals and I haven't actually seen her eat since before she became so distant. When was the last time anyone saw her eat?”

Everyone looked down, trying to figure it out. Realizing they all had the same answer, they began showing different knee jerk emotions. 

Tony was baffled

Peter, Thor, and Natasha were confused

Sam and Clint were saddened

Steve was concerned

And Bucky was terrified. 

Bucky kept to himself, but he had started to develop feelings for you a few weeks after the two of you had met. Despite his efforts, most of the team knew and would sometimes tease him for it when you weren’t in the room. So to say he was scared right now was a big understatement. 

He decided to go looking for you to talk to you about all of this, hoping that you were in truth, just busy and that he was wrong. Of course your hospitalizations and diagnosis were in your files, but no one had ever thought to look through them. He started in the one place he seemed to always see you - the gym.

And sure enough, you were there, running on the treadmill with sweat pouring down your face. He stared at you through the glass for a few moments, worrying thoughts running rampant though his mind. He entered the gym and you saw him, and sent him a smile since you couldn’t say anything due to being out of breath. 

He smiled back softly as he walked up to you. “Hey, can we talk for a minute?”

You sighed and turned off the treadmill. You were fine with talking, you were just annoyed that he had interrupted your 7 mile run. “Sure, Buck, what’s up?” you asked as you grabbed your towel and water

He looked down and took a breath before looking back and asking “Are you okay?”

You chuckled and said “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” You began to sip your water.

He shifted his weight and ran a nervous hand through his dark hair. He took in your frame. It was smaller than he remembered. Really being able to look at you, he saw how pale you were and how your eyes were sunken in. He pulled his eyebrows together in concern, asking “When was the last time you actually ate?”

You nearly choked your water. Surely he couldn’t have caught on.

He didn’t go through your files did he?

You hadn’t even lost that much yet!

You were still so fat.

Surely this couldn’t be happening. Not yet.

What do I tell-

“(Y/N)?”

You realize that you had been staring at him but hadn’t actually said anything, and your water was spilt all over the floor. You had dropped it. “Shit... uhh…” you begin, clearly flustered. “What do you mean Barnes?”

“Okay, you only call me Barnes when you’re nervous and you’re paler than when I came in, which means something is clearly wrong. (Y/N), really, when was the last time you ate?”

“Earlier today at some point? I don’t know…” you say weakly. You never had been able to lie to Bucky to his face.

Bucky sighed stepping closer. “You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?”

You look away because if you looked at him any longer you might break, and you couldn’t do that. No, you weren’t sick enough yet, you had to be strong. 

“Look, Bucky, I’m all good, really I am. So if that’s all, I’m just going to get back to my running…” you turned back to the treadmill when you felt metal clasp around your arm. Bucky noticed how much smaller it felt around his hand and swallowed thickly. You turned around, tears of desperation forming in your eyes.

“Doll, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look awful.” When you looked clearly offended, he began to backtrack. “I don’t mean that in a rude way or however you may try to take it at all. What I mean is that you’re pale. Your eyes are sunken in. you look so frail, and I’m sorry it’s just...I’m really worried about you.”

You looked down, and tears spilled over your eyes and onto the floor. “4 days,” you said quietly.

“4 days what?” Bucky questioned. 

“You looked him in the eyes, tears still falling. “4 days since I’ve eaten anything. A week since I’ve kept something down. A month since my last actual meal.”

Now it was Bucky’s turn for his face to go white. After a few seconds he removes his hand from your arm to envelop you in a hug. His body towered over you and you feel so small in his arms that he’s truly afraid he may hurt you if he holds you too tightly. 

“What brought this on?” he asks after a minute or so. 

You shrug weakly. “I don’t know… probably something stupid. It always happens that way.” when you feel Bucky stiffen slightly, you add “Yeah, this all, uh….it's happened before a few times.” you sniffle. “Before i came here, that is. I don’t know why it happened this time. It’s just that everyone is so perfect and then I’m me so… yeah.

Bucky pulls back to look you in the eye and brush back some hair from your face. “I don’t know why you feel inadequate (Y/N). Everyone here loves you so much. And all of us, perfect? I mean do you remember all those things I did? We all have something dark about us, and it’s okay that you do too. But it’s not okay to hurt yourself like this, doll. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. But i’m here to help you.”

You snorted. “Why would you want to help me Buck?” you ask, voice cracking.

He took another breath and wiped the tears from your eyes. “Because I care about you (Y/N). A lot of people do. And I’ve been wanting to say this for a while, but (Y/N), I really like you. A lot. And I will do anything I can to help you.

Your gaze drops. “You’re just saying that…”

He lifts your chin to look at you again. He shakes his head. “No, (Y/N), I’m not. I really do like you.”

You look at him searching his face for any indication of a lie but there is none, and all you find is concern and...could that actually be a little bit of love? You move to hug him again. “Thank you, Bucky.” you say. 

“Of course, (Y/N), anytime. He rubs your back. “I’m with you till the end of the line.”

#avengers #buckybarnes #bucky imagine #wintersoldier #comfort #anorexiacomfort #im with you to the end of the line #fanfiction