#anons im sorry im not answering any of your stuff because 1 its fucking draining and 2 im having a hard time not coming off sounding like a

[bluewinnerangel]

.

#anons im sorry im not answering any of your stuff because 1 its fucking draining and 2 im having a hard time not coming off sounding like a #total dick. and 3 as if my opinions matter? they dont? and 4 im not gonna subject everyone to your and mine opinions like this #mainly because theyre negative #and i know this is my own fault because i responded to an anon earlier today trying to get something clear.. but then now.... #like sorry but i feel like the lot of you are coming into my inbox to get some kinda weight off your shoulders and clarity or peace of mind #or whatever and like im just another idiot on the internet idk what youre looking to find here #and also dont forget anyone else that does answer your stuff is also just another idiot on the internet too #anyway turning off anon bc im not in the right mindset clearly to do any of this shit imma go back to reblogging some pictures of #louis' face moving

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

#just another mission #jam #demyrie writes #personal #abuse #stalking #emotional manipulation #i would say p/edophilia but this site doesnt know what that means and this isnt it either so how about abuse of a minor #recovery #mental health #suicidal ideation #triggers #Anonymous

[abigailht]

(I accidentally deleted an anon I just got on mobile, because the app sucks, but I wanted to answer, I’ll still answer though)

@the anon coming back in my ask box, saying “so we are calling out racism because Khary is being harassed, but no one is caring about MMB, Norman, or Diane being harassed because they’re white?”

I can’t believe I’m again forced to answer to this, but I shall, I so shall.

1) no one was talking about mmb, Norman, or Diane. The subject was people being RACIST TOWARDS A BLACK ACTOR AND HIS BLACK CHARACTER AND THE INTERRECIAL SHIP. That’s the issue. Period. DONT MIX OTHER UNRELATED TOPICS CAUSE YOU DONT HAVE ARGUMENTS LEFT.

2) no one said that we don’t care about Melissa, Norman, or Diane. Don’t understand where you even pulled that out from? Like??? Where did I post I don’t care? Proof? You can’t prove it cause I DO care, if you must know, I do, and if I saw a post about it, I’d reblog it as well.

3) and ALSO, last time I checked, it’s c@ryl shippers harassing these three because they’re so obsessed with the ship that they can’t stand Norman to have a life and other girlfriends and are crazy about it, molesting and harassing them all. So maybe that’s also your job to call that out, instead of mixing this up with something that has NOTHING to do with it.

4) you obviously don’t have any arguments other than being “bohoooo so we don’t care about white people?? I want attention too!!” — are those comments racist comments ????? NO. People are just crazy and can’t accept that actors have a private life and harass them. IT. HAS. NOTHING. TO. DO. WITH. RACISM. OR. THIS. TOPIC. WHATSOEVER.

5) make a post about people harassing those three, tag me, and i shall reblog it at once. Cause, just because I DARED to care about a black character for five seconds, you felt so neglected, cause, equal rights, right?? (You sound like those pathetic “white lives matter too” people. Because apparently you didn’t understand what this is about and what racism means, but I won’t explain that to you, I’m not your mother, maybe try google). But you should know, that i care about those three as well, and don’t ignore it. But the topic now was RACISM. And I can’t say anything about racism if I’m not defending every other white person on this planet simultaneously apparently. Do you see how ridiculous you’re being?

6) just admit that you’re butthurt over people calling out stuff that screams racism, and you’re offended cause you might share those thoughts and are scared of being called out. Im sorry about this, but if this doesn’t apply to you, then you’re NOT addressed. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Tragic, I know. But I guess its why you’re so mad at us that you feel the need to keep sending @canoncannon and me these asks.

7) rant over. I’m sorry if I sounded a bit annoyed. But you know WHAT?? I’m stressed in real life, my brother was SICK and I was scared he’ll die, I also have other fucking problems in my life, and sparing your feelings isn’t my job if you can’t just accept that we care about someone else than your beloved ship and MMB and Norman, like, sorry, BUT WE ALL HAVE LIVES AND OPINIONS. So I’m reallyyyyy sorry if I sounded a bit bitchy now, but my patience is used up cause of caring about my sick brother and angsting over his life for a week - that can be emotionally draining. I sincerely apologise.

#aby answers #carzekiel #racism #khary payton #personal #anonymous