#and write annoying tumblr posts about it because i cant express myself like a normal human being | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kilibaggins · 3 years

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So, I got an Anon Hate:

That I want to respond to, but I also want to just block them, so I’m making this separate post.

You know what? You’re right! I don’t post original content a lot! Most of my content is reblogs and shitposts at this point. And honestly? I like that. It’s a lot less stressful than pushing out a bunch of fanfics.

(From here on it gets pretty upsetting and sad so watch out please. i tried to tag triggers but theres probably some im missing)

I am a trans guy, who is forced to be deadnamed, misgendered, etc. Every. Single. Day. My mental health is very low. I am sad most of the time. I have mood swings Where I’m happy one moment, but then Horribly sad the next.

I have school 5 out of 7 days. Most weeks im working 6 out of 7 or even a full week just on school. I have a very hard time concentrating on the work, so It takes me much longer than “normal”. An assignment meant to take 20 minutes can take up to 50 or even an hour. I am slow. It is VERY hard for me to concentrate and understand what I am learning.

I am almost constantly tired in some way. Physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. I don’t like being out of bed most days, and If I could? I’d be in my bed every minute of every day forever.

I have arguments with my parents at least every two days, whether it be a small argument, or a huge screaming match. This causes me to be tired, because I cry when i argue with people. I also get really sad, and genuinely hate myself after these arguments. And i cant express that to them, because My mom will just call it me pitying myself.

I come on tumblr for an escape from school. And escape from my constant stream of thoughts that dont shut up. An escape from my self harm urges and troubles. And wanna know what i see? People like you. People who pick apart my activities and insult me about them. People misgendering me in my askbox because I have committed the crime of admitting im trans. I get called slurs daily (Especially the T slur. People really like that slur for some reason.). I constantly have the feeling of being annoying because people like you come into my ask box and bombard me with hate anons about how annoying and worthless I am.

When i do want to write, I cant. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m filled with bad thoughts and i have ZERO motivation. I TRY to write. I TRY to be better. I TRY to be how you guys want me to be. I fucking TRY. I can’t sometimes, and honestly, Fuck yo for judging me for that. Fuck you for being so hateful that you scream at me about me not writing or updating a fucking fic, when i constantly feel like my life is falling apart. Fuck you for assuming I cant have a hard life,or I cant be busy simply because I’m 16. Fuck You.

Anon hate is absolutely disgusting, but honestly I keep anon on for the wonderful anons I have who check on me, and send me asks about John Murphy, and people request fics, but sometimes YOU make me want to turn them off. So I can get away from people like you, nonnie.

You hurt me, You belittle me, You make me feel as If i’m not enough when I'm trying my best, and that is absolutely terrible.

I AM TRYING. It is so hard to write some days, and I’m trying my best to write.

I’m trying so hard to be good for you all, To post for you all, To be a good writer, to Come up with good ideas and execute them well.

I’m trying my hardest. But maybe you expect me to tr harder. To stay up until 4 AM just to write a fic that you wont bother to comment on or even reblog, and wake up at 8 with 4 hours of sleep, just to continue the cycle,a dn be even more tired than I already am.

i am a human being. Me being 16 does not change the fact that I am busy. It does not change the fact that I Have WORK TO DO. It doesnt change the fact that I have shitty mental health.

Fuck You, Anon.

#self harm tw #tw self harm #depression #depressing post #sad #sad post #rys not okay #but at the m #moment i am #kinda lol #just really angry #idk waht else to tag please people tell me if i am forgetting things #please #anon hate #teenagers can still have problems mate

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entriesfromangels · 4 years

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Journal Entry (#5) ~

Oh the times we are living in right now.

It’s crazy how a virus is changing our daily lives. How it affects people mentally and physically. But we have to do what we can to keep others safe. Stay home y’all. It’s the best we can do!

Staying home is ideal for anyone who is an introvert at heart. I am but I do like to go out from time to time and socialize with others. Its weird not being able to do that right now.

Lately I’ve been struggling. Not with the whole quarantine stuff but with family. As y’all know, I’m living with my fiancé and his family or my future in-laws.

My MIL (mother-in-law) and I are not in the best situation. Our relationship is complex. There is respect there but right now its not anything more than that.

We had a talk a few days ago about where we stand. I have had previous talks with her but it involved me writing things down that bothered me and after she told me to place myself in her shoes... i realized I’m going about this all wrong.

She felt i was ambushing her with all the negative things i don’t like that she does. After sitting down, hearing how she felt, it really hurt me to know i have been treating her so poorly. I also have a bad habit in venting about my issues with her to my fiance and my parents. My MIL sees it as talking s**t and obviously... that wasn’t my intention but i see where she is coming from.

I’m Hispanic. Our culture involves gossiping and venting thoughts and emotions to ones we are the closest to. All my life, i never saw it as an issue because I’ve always done it. My family does it. My friends do it. I was bound to pick it up.

My fiance is white. Obviously their culture is different and gossiping is seen as a harmful thing. After hearing what she felt about me doing this, potentially damaging her having a future relationship with my parents, painting her in a negative light and just overall not feeling good about herself and how she’s portrayed to others, has been a negative impact on her self-esteem.

Another issue that had been bothering her is when i vent about her to my fiance. Things she does that bothers me, things that annoys me and things that make me angry. She mentioned, in order to maintain a positive relationship, i need to go to her for any issue i may have with her. I don’t know why its taking me so long to understand and realize that's what i should be doing but I am doing that now.

There is also a lack of trust. I promised her i wouldn’t tell my fiance about our talks and continue to complain about her. After our last talk before our recent one, i did the opposite and told him everything we talked about. Big mistake.

She saw it as backstabbing and from then on, has slowly lost trust in me. After she explained that, while crying, i was starting to realize how my actions are affecting her.

Being from a different culture isn’t an excuse. Being used to how i handle things and express myself when it comes to difficult situations isn’t an excuse. I have been treating her basically like a piece of trash and i feel so f***ing terrible about it........

All my life, after coming out of treatment, i have embraced positivity and wanted to live my life with no negative people or negative thoughts. Since living here and getting to know my in-laws better, I have done the complete opposite to my MIL and i just feel like the worst person...

She told me it will take time before she can fully trust me again and i totally understand. I’m 24, going to be 25 in June and i am acting like a child tbh.

Sometimes when you go about things a certain way for so long and don’t think anything more about it, you don’t really realize how someone else, who might not be used to that, may feel.

I have so many positive people in my life, i do but we gossip. Not always but it does happen. That may not be positive to someone else and you know what? It really isn’t. I saw a normality behind it and didn’t think it would be harmful to someone else.

My MIL can get on my nerves and i know i get on hers. That is bound to happen. The way i have been handling our conflict has not been the best. I know i can do better. She said she was going to watch and see if i do hold up to what i said i was going to do and with time, slowly grow her trust back with me.

I have been so blessed to have a wonderful fiance and a great MIL. She has done so much for us and is a literal angel for her efforts. I just haven’t been showing it... my actions haven’t spoken for my words and that is a real problem.

I know deep down I’m not an awful person and i know she isn’t either. How can she know that if all i have done is gone behind her back and vent about all the things i think she is doing wrong. That isn’t right and it hurts to think i have affected someone else in this way.

Since our talk on Saturday (3/28), I haven’t spoken to anyone about what we specifically discussed. The most i have said is our talk was good and we are doing okay moving forward. I have not even mentioned it to my fiance and honestly, we have been more playful and loving without me spreading negative feelings towards his mom. If he gets annoyed with her on his own, i have just been comforting him and reminding him that she loves him and talk her up instead of agreeing and making him think worse about her.

I never in my whole life considered gossiping or venting as being a negative thing or impact on someone else. I’ve always done it. It may seem odd to someone else that it has taken me this long to understand the dangers of this. Especially when i have experienced it on the other end. Its not fun, it makes you feel helpless since you cant defend yourself when the gossiping takes place. So you may ask, “if you understand how this can be negative to someone else, why are you still engaging in it?” My answer is, i don’t know.

Gossiping is a very social thing. Your friend brings up something someone else did and complains. What do you do? Agree with your friend and comfort them. If its about a friend, we bring in what also bothers us about them and continue with that. It seems harmless but you might also think, what about the person you are talking about? What is this issue that annoys you so much that you can’t bring it up to the person being talked about? How would that make them feel if they knew you were talking about them in a negative light?

And you know what, that's true. How would that make the other person feel? The answer to that is, not very good. I saw it with how hurt my MIL was about it. How she tries so hard to please others and make others feel happy and comfortable. I was so heartbroken to see that i caused her to feel so bad about herself, made her cry and loose her trust with me.

She also mentioned if this is how i really am as a person, that she doesn’t want to be involved in that. The truth is, i am not that person. I love people. I love my family/friends and i want nothing but for them to be happy and feel loved. I just haven’t properly given my MIL the love and respect that she so greatly deserves and for that, i will always feel terrible; even when things get better.

Moving forward, she said she will watch to see if i fulfill my promise to not vent or complain about her and if there is an issue, i come directly to her instead of being a chismosa (gossip in Spanish). So far i haven’t complained, vented or talked about our whole conversation to ANYONE.

Instead, i’m writing it on here. My positivity blog where i feel the most safe with my thoughts. This is better than spreading gossip and bringing others into a situation when its just between the two people involved.

Everyday since our conversation, i have been feeling lighter and happier with my surroundings. One thing that won’t change is my mental health struggles with anxiety and depression; having thoughts and needing an outlet to let them out. Thanks Tumblr! Lol

I will continue to post how our relationship progresses and my feelings/mood since giving up gossiping. To tell you the truth, I feel so much better and understanding about the situation knowing what i did wrong and how that affected someone else I love/care about.

You are never to old or young to better yourself and improve relationships.

I hope for nothing but positive feelings and thoughts moving forward and if i do have something negative to say, its better to not say it at all.

#journal #journal entry #personal #my thoughts #moving forward #MIL #relationships #positive thoughts

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otomeduck · 6 years

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Today will be better :) im still feeling kinda messed up and all, but more refreshed compared to yesterday where i was a complete wreck. Bless. i don’t know how to use tumblr lmao and use the “see more” function so ok. if uall are not fond of shitposts about life uall can speedily scroll through this. it’s a compiled list of rants LOL

Although i still feel scared and shitty that my math is so bad, i will try not to let that worry inhibit me from enjoying myself haha. I was such a mess yesterday lolol I couldn’t even express myself. I have 8 drafts on tumblr I couldn’t bring myself to post bc I just couldn’t understand the nonsense I myself was writing lolol. My mood was so shit. But yeah hahah pasted below will be everything I wanted to post yesterday but didn’t have the balls.

I’M SO SORRY I’M ALWAYS RANTING ABT LIFE AND STUFF. Idk why I’m such an angsty fella as well LOL i feel sad that you guys have to follow someone like me hahah idk if it’s even normal to feel so much angst lololol but I’m so thankful that I really have this avenue to be completely myself.

“Aah lolol it’s so hard not to be pissed when u clearly are hahah what the efffff :((((

Im still so angry but ill try to control my temper now 😭😭 everything’s gonna be all right (hopefully)

As if trying to anger me further, my wifi is a wreck and it goes on and off while i play my otoges or am replying to someone on my whatsapp messenger. Thanks lol

😭😭😭 im so mad rn

Ugh omg lol nvm i’ll try to persevere and distract myself rn omg what the wifi has to stop freezing on me omg im so …..

Ok i need to talk and get things off my chest rn ugh i dont get whats wrong with me and thats the worst part lol usually if i know whats affecting me i can try to feel better but ya rn im a mess in the sense nothing i do seems to help and everything annoys me. Im so irritated

Im really angry like wtf i really ugh dont want to stay pissed either so idk ugh help

I blame this on math for being so annoying and impossible to do like i feel super demoralised and fed up i really hate it omg help. Everything is making me triggered and i really really want all of this vexing emotions to stop. Ugh

I dont even know where to start bc everything is pissing me off and i think the largest factor is math so maybe i should stop doing it but i will feel so disappointed in myself

I dont know what to do omg ok i really think i gonna stop doing math since it is causing me so much misery. My family is being annoying as well they need to stop making a fuss so late at night omg i cant handle this omg omg okay i need to get out of this house???

My family is so annoying they r quarrelling i hate it i dont know what to do omg okay idk anymore haha fuck lol everything is irritating idk what to do i want to move out and i think i shall?

Im so angry omg im so angry bc i dont understand why im angry and i cant comprehend my current situation at all. Im so upset bc idk how to feel better. I am pissed. Idk how to get out of this situation but whine. Im so saddened ???

I dont even know whats causing this omg and everything is noisy i need peace omg but omg omg omg im so angry i want to punch someones face. Idk what to do omg help

Help

Ugh i cant i want to hide somewhere until i feel better but idk where

Is there even anywhere

Okay

I want to chill so badly but the anger in my heart is… … ugh… omg stop omg so noisy wow omg stop stop stop ugh why cant it be peaceful????? Im in a bad mood but otoges

Lol i love my wifi it is working just fine can yall sense the sarcasm. My wifi is shit

I decided to try something new so my wifi wont be shit anymore. Blesssssss :/ May i feel less annoyed soon haha ripppppp. Lol wtf my home wifi keep having issues lmao wtf im so angry i cant? Bless my house wifi lol……. I cant with wifi anymore everything is failing me”

LOL as you guys can see, I was feeling like crap yesterday night and yeah, that didn’t feel too good. I’m pretty confident that the root cause was because of several bad news being thrown at me at once. First of all, it didn’t feel good that I was taken as a joke during my interview. Or maybe I can look at it from the perspective that they enjoyed what I said and found me funny but still. And second of all, I don’t appreciate two-faced “friends” in my life. I was so unhappy to find out that I got rejected from joining a school event (there weren’t even any interviews held)

Well there’s that, then third of all my house wifi was the worst and I couldn’t even use tumblr, my messaging app, or play my otoges basically I was really fed up. Fourth of all my parents were in chaos lol they kept bickering over the most useless things and I was really done. Fifth of all and the most major factor would be me not knowing how to do math. I felt so shitty. I had to have multiple friends teach me and I felt so bad.

Looking back, everyone’s gotta start somewhere, right? They don’t become automatically smart. In that case, it’s okay for me to start being dumb at math. i’ll just keep on improving until someday, I’ll be the one teaching someone else.

I’m feeling a bit annoyed at how although it’s a day off school today, we are given work to do at home so it doesn’t make a difference anyway. Ugh… and there is a deadline to it, we have to do our online submissions by 12pm. I’m so fed up, but it’s alright. It’s fine. I’ve said all I wanted to say, I guess. If there’s a reason why I’m not replying to y’all on tumblr message, the reason is that my life is in shambles and im not emotionally stable to make casual talk so im sorry for that K

Sigh I can’t believe I can feel so angsty but okay. Mm. … I don’t want you guys to worry about me bc I’d always like to believe that I can cope with this alone. That I can face all my troubles alone. I don’t want to be a burden to others. I know it’s wrong to be so harsh on oneself, but my unrealistic expectations of myself always get the better of me. I hate feeling this way. I really deserve healing (ironically) just like kenshin lmao. Sigh. I don’t even want to be such a scarred human being.

But it’s okay. It’s alright. I’m sure things will be better today without even batting an eyelash when I say that. Hopefully. may things get more tolerable and brighter

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