#and we had project grad which is basically an all night party kinda thing

[justanalto]

quarantine tag game

i was tagged by @crazyrichfilipinos (hi and ty!) 

1. Are you staying home from work/school?

yup. no school, no temp assignments...just a big ole unemployment void. so this is what it’ll be like when i’m older. 

2. If you’re staying at home, who’s there with you?

the other three members of my family and the voices of everyone my mom calls on the daily. 

3. Do you have pets to keep you company?

no, and i really wish i had at least a hamster. a dog would be preferable. i’d even take a cat.

4. What do you miss the most?

i miss a lot of things. i think mainly i just miss having a sense of purpose? i got caught in the unemployment crossfire (without actually being able to file for unemployment welp) and everyone else in my house is learning online/working while i’m just kinda...floating around doing nothing. 

5. When was the last time you left your home?

march 14. i went to the gym and picked up some picture frames from ikea, and the next day began the stay-at-home advisory. the last time i physically left the house was about two weeks ago, when i went photographing, touched the ground and subsequently panicked about getting sick for the next week. (this was fueled by my mom’s reaction and i know she’s right but also still it’s a Lot)

6. What was the last thing you brought?

overcooked and overcooked 2 for steam baby! they were both on sale and i’ve just been playing with my friends. about to buy jackbox 5 tho cause it’s also on sale and might debut it at my possible zoom grad party.

7. Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed?

i have never been less relaxed because literally every anxiety is in play every single moment of the day

8. Are you a homebody?

i used to be! then i went to college and all that stuff. home is a great base to touch in on every now and again, but being home requires me to take up a specific role that i’m not comfortable being in for the rest of my life. i also fell in love with travelling, so...no, I guess? i’m a homebody in the sense that I enjoy quiet nights in. but other than that let me out of here please i’m begging you

9. What are movies you have watched recently?

PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE. THE GAY. oh! and saving face, because bitches can’t WAIT for the half of it! it’s me. i’m bitches. 

my ultimate goal is to work through the list of movies i want to watch (snowpiercer, parasite, knives out, to all the boys 2, etc.) and then work my way back through the movies i haven’t seen in a long time (princess diaries 1 + 2, all three Lilo and Stitches, camp rock)

10. An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

just...everything. commencement ball. commencements parts I-IV. the acapella concerts I was supposed to see my friends at because it was their last hurrah. the conference where I was supposed to present the thesis project that stripped me of my mental health during my last semester of college! my friend and I were supposed to go see AJR in may. we were all supposed to throw grad parties. class of 2020 really got gypped y’all. the start of a marketing position i’d just secured with a temp company. 

11. What’s the worst thing you’ve had to cancel?

probably commencement. it was supposed to be a last hurrah with my friends because I wouldn’t have hung out with them since i left uni the semester before. our crowning achievement, if you will. the defining moment that said yes, despite every piece of drama and every bit of trauma along the way, we made it and we’re ready to fuck up the world. the crowning glory. and now all of that’s been stripped away and instead, society’s just going to throw us into the dry pool called the job market. commencement was supposed to be the breath of air before we went back to trying to swim against a current. now it’s just a continuous struggle that won’t be made better because no one can retire. plus the market, which is normally fucked for creatives, is going to be extra fucked because no company has ‘money’.  

12. What’s the best thing you’ve had to cancel?

uhhhh...i mean i guess when you put it that way, it would be the research conference. i was not ready to turn my brain back into academic mode. 

13. Do you have any new hobbies?

not new hobbies per se...just re-picked up a lot of old ones? knitting, writing, photography. folding stars. all sort of muscle memory things you can do while binge-watching TV. i’m in the process of making jars of little stars for my senior friends because they’re ‘senior stars’! cue ‘we’re all in this together’. 

but in all seriousness (and cheesiness, sorry guys) i wanted to make them something that was decorative and cute and reminded them that they were important. like stars. and just as like. a present. ‘cause they deserve that. 

14. What are you out of?

serotonin, dopamine and a will to live, almost. i’m so tired y’all.

15. What music are you listening too?

mostly my current music playlist, but i’m trolling my friends’ playlists too. i am repeating “complicated” from sex&drugs&rock&roll, though, mainly because i’m resonating with it so deeply to the point where i want to cry. and am unable to. as one does.

16. What shows are you watching?

a lot of the shows i watch ended production early so that’s really no more for grey’s...ok basically just grey’s ended early but i’m still watching 9-1-1 because they’re still producing regularly. b99 is too but I think they’re just about to wrap up. i’ve been meaning to start the recent season of odaat but i’ve just been watching the old episodes on netflix because idt we can get poptv. 

i started rewatching victorious, i’m at a pause with dynasty and sex&drugs&rock&roll mainly because of formatting. does anyone have any tv recs? 

17. What are you reading?

i’ve been meaning to start into the interior by michelle cliff, and after that i’d really like to re-read ‘i hate everyone but you’ by gaby dunn and allison raskin. i’d like more gay books tho.

18. What are you doing for self care?

watching a lot of the try guys. in the middle of trying to reset my sleeping clock tho.

19. Are you exercising?

i....am. mainly because not exercising makes me feel worse about myself and i can already sense the hell i’m going to catch if I don’t look good for my cousin’s wedding. (we’re gonna assume it happens.) 

20. How’s your toilet paper supply?

when we first started this whole thing, i looked in the basement and uh...let’s just say we’re gonna be pretty okay for a while. still hasn’t stopped me from monitoring my sheet usage though.

21. Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine?

i cut my hair short just before quarantine, actually! so i’ve sort of been revelling in that. if this goes on for a while longer i might trim it myself, just because i would rather stay short than go long again for the sake of my own sanity. 

tagging: @agentmmayy @peacequack @lalalyds2 @the-writer-girl-nerd and anyone else that feels like doing this lovely quarantine tag or is slowly trying not to go insane

#re things #tag things #there's some salt in this post i'm sorry

[girls-are-very-pretty]

I graduated last night! I am officially not a highschooler!

#it was so chaotic and im so tired #bc after diplomas we had like a parade which was neat but also it was windy and cold #and we had project grad which is basically an all night party kinda thing #however within half an hour of being there one of my grade mates passed out and had to be ambulance away #so we played blacklight volleyball which escalated #and we did trivia which was pretty neat but also slow so i nearly fell asleep #but my team nearly won #so theres that #they had like fancy food #like when rich ppl get tiny portions of shitty food and call it gormet #thats what it was like which kinda sucked #and at like 1 most of the entertainment left so we spent the next 4 hours in the hot tub/pool #we had to turn of the jets kuz we had just been inhaling chlorine air for like an hour and were lightheaded #bc we are stupid #legit nearly threw hands with one of my neonazi pro trump pro elon +jeff bezos classmates #bc i said elon is shit and he was like no! and i talked about all the satellites he's put up and from an astronomers standpoint #they are so shitty and i know bc 1) I'm an astronomer and 2)i was at astronomy camp with pro astronomers when he first did that #and every single one complained about it within days of them being put up there #so words were said and swears were yelled and popular classmates were scared off #which was a whole mess #but like i slept 30 minuts on the bus back and then got home and slept like 3 hours and then woke up so I'm hella tired #but i gotta work early so the best plan is just to stay awake the next 3 hours or so then pass out for early shift

[princessdevy03]

Tumblr Exclusive!!!!

Author’s Note: Because I can.

Nat belongs to @c2ndy2c1d

Chances Are…

“Hey, there.”

“H-Hey.”

Edd’s eyes darted down from the sparkling green ones in front of him and blinked a few times before looking back up to see Kevin still grinning at him.

“Wanna come in?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” Edd said softly as Kevin stepped to the side and let him into the small dorm room.

“How was your trip?” Kevin asked as he closed the door, a small pout crossing his face as Edd flinched at hearing the heavy door close even though they were both expecting it.

“It was alright,” he shrugged as he toed off his shoes and placed them at the end of the bed before sitting down on the edge of it. “We got to meet a few of the writers on the panels, which was nice. Might have some connections for grad school, but that’s a ways away so we’ll see.”

“Only you would be thinking about grad school now, Dork,” Kevin snorted as he walked across the room and collapsed into his bed.

“And you’re not?!” Edd exclaimed.

Kevin smirked as he leaned back against the wall and shrugged, which just made Edd tug on his beanie as he sighed and shook his head.

“I mean I could,” Kevin said as Edd put his beanie back in place. “But I’m kinda just done with it all, ya know?”

“Can’t say that I do,” Edd told him. “I’m still a sophomore so I’ve got a ways til I reach burn out.”

“Knowing you, you’ll get a like three doctor degrees before you burn out.”

“They’re called doctorate degrees and I only really need two,” Edd retorted and Kevin laughed.

“What the hell are you gonna do with two doctorates?!” Kevin snorted as Edd gave him an unamused stare.

“Teach,” Edd said incredulously.

“Oh,” Kevin replied as he cocked his head to the side. “That actually kinda makes sense.”

“Thank you,” Edd snarked and Kevin snatched the beanie off his head and ruffled his curly hat hair.

“You’re welcome,” Kevin grinned as he waggled his eyebrows and then snickered as Edd slowly started to turn red and had no hat to hide under.

“So…so what did you do while I was gone?” Edd asked as he picked at the stray strings of Kevin’s comforter.

“Jack shit,” the redhead snorted and he laughed as Edd gave him a disbelieving look.

“So you just sat up in here all weekend doing nothing?”

“Did my homework,” Kevin answered as he pointed to his desk and Edd turned to see a neat pile of books, notebooks, and folders on top of Kevin’s closed laptop. “Went to the movies with Nat and Ang yesterday and took Nazz lunch at work. I mean, it’s the same shit I do every weekend, just did it without ya.”

Edd caught the downturn in his tone and he had to bite back a smile.

They had met last semester at a movie event the Student Government Association put on at the beginning of the school year.

It was a drive in theater experience where students were encouraged to bring lawn blankets, portable chairs, snacks and drinks, even though the SGA provided some, and a movie would be projected on the side of administration building.

As athletes, it was Kevin and Nat’s responsibility to mingle with their classmates and encourage them to come to games instead of running home every weekend as their small state school was known for being one of the easiest for students to commute to and from as the closest metro area was only an hour away.

So the two hotshots would go to as many SGA events as they could, talk to people, participate in whatever was happening and then head back to their dorm by curfew, pretty pleased with themselves as they knew people would come out to watch them play.

But Edd wasn’t any other student.

He was the science department’s biggest coup from the Ivy League campus across the state, the Tiny Ivy in Edd’s hometown, and the big state school in the middle of the state that his parents graduated from.

But this all meant he was very busy.

He couldn’t run home on the weekends to be with his parents or friends who had stayed in town because he was in the labs conducting experiments for class and extra credit.

He was also in a few honor societies so his weekends would be filled with events with them as well.

Very few of which included football games.

Kevin only really saw him on campus, running back and forth between the math and science building and the science department’s lab annex.

He caught sight of him at the homecoming game because everybody went to homecoming and Edd even stopped to congratulate him on their win at his buddy Rolf’s fraternity party later that night.

Kevin didn’t see him again until midterms and the university’s Gay-Straight Alliance club put on their Snowflake Destresser.

Nazz told him to go unless he wanted to end up in the hospital from the stress of having to deal with midterms and a conference game that would put the team in bowl game bid contention.

Hospitals meant needles.

Needles meant assured death.

Hating that idea, he went and found himself melting.

Rolf was coloring with his new girlfriend, Angela, and Nat and Edd were in a corner cuddling kittens.

The adorable grin on the smart young man’s face as he head butted a grey calico kitten twisted Kevin’s stomach up and he quickly found his lap full of kittens as Nat took pictures to post to his Instagram page and Kevin finally got to talk to the genius who’s blue eyes had been filling up way too many lonely daydreams.

That conversation led to numbers being exchanged and Kevin found him on Facebook, while Edd silently stalked his Snapchat.

The texts were friendly at first, plans made to hang out were made and met, but as the texts got more personal, their face to face interactions faltered.

Kevin wouldn’t say Edd was shy, just reserved. But there was always a guarded glint in his eyes whenever they parted ways and Kevin would hear a remorseful sigh that just hurt because he couldn’t understand why Edd would go from an open book to closed off and seemingly pained by it.

Figuring that their texts are how he found out so much about his new crush, Kevin broached the subject as best he could and was met with a very basic, “it’s not you, it’s me,” response.

Knowing that that meant Edd had dealt with some sort of heartbreak before, Kevin dug deeper because he knew that he couldn’t let Edd go, but he knew that they couldn’t move forward with Edd still being stuck behind some pain from his past.

After talking to Ang, who was from the same city as Edd and went to his rival high school, Kevin found out that being out in the city was just as hard as being out in the small town he was from.

Edd would start each school year bright eyed and bushy tailed about his classes and making new friends and in a fast romance by Halloween. But it was always over before Easter and for Edd, the spring rains would be a great place to hide his tears.

Seeing as they were in the spring semester, Kevin could see the smart ravenette was bracing himself for something to happen between them, but Kevin was going to make sure that it wasn’t the tornado of disaster that Edd was used to.

He kept things casual for the most part, inviting Edd to hang out whenever he got the chance, calling him for no reason, silly texts to go along with their more serious ones.

If they went out in a group, Kevin would make sure Edd was always by his side.

All of his friends knew that he had some sort of nice feelings for their younger classmate, but what shocked most everyone that knew the redhead was that despite his growing feelings, he was taking things slow.

Nazz and Rolf, who had grown up with Kevin, had plenty of stories of the redhead who would pounce into relationships at the first hello. The goodbyes were rarely mutual on the redhead’s part, but he always bounced back.

His flirting ways preceded him everywhere he went, so he knew that Edd would have to have felt some kind of way about the attention he was giving him, but he was always sincere.

Edd figured that Kevin would find something to get into with someone while he was gone to a science conference that their school’s biology and physical science clubs were hosting with other science and biology clubs from schools in their conference.

Except, apparently he didn’t.

He knew that Kevin was trying to gain his trust, but he didn’t trust to what ends the redhead was after.

Kevin was just his type; tall, athletic, killer smile, charming as all get out, and happily out.

But, relationships with this type always ended up with Edd being burned because they would always find someone more fun to hang out with.

Not that he’s boring, but his studious, plan for every contention ways would limit his fun sometimes.

His best friends all but begged him to chill and go with the flow when he got to college and Edd tried, but he knew that time wasn’t on his side.

The biotech field was always changing and he wanted to get into it as soon as he could and teach for as long as possible. That meant no time to be wasted unless he had it to waste.

He was only a sophomore, so he knew he had about a year and a half to play around before he had to buckle down, but Kevin was a junior and by the time Edd would need to get to work, Kevin would be gone.

And it scared him.

Kevin seemed like he was genuinely interested in what Edd wanted to do with his life’s work and would support his plans to do it no matter how long it took, but this was now and Edd couldn’t bear to think of later.

And yet, Kevin had spent the long bank holiday weekend just hanging out with his own friends and their mutual friends living life, but still waiting on him.

He told Edd to come by as soon as he got back if he was up for it after he got back into town, and Edd was more than up for it.

He wanted to see Kevin for himself and see if the pictures posted to Nat’s Instagram feed were true.

And they were.

There was a smile or smirk on his face in every one, but there was a glint in his eyes that Edd couldn’t quite get a read on, but he knew he didn’t like it.

He didn’t like it one bit.

As soon as Kevin had opened the door, the glint disappeared and his eyes happily sparkled like they always did when they saw each other.

And he’s scared again.

He’s scared of falling and then losing his safe place to land because Kevin couldn’t or wouldn’t or because of life.

It would just be easier, simpler, safer to keep his head down, go to class, get his degreeS, then maybe create a life with someone who understood his need to help us live just a bit better.

But despite his fear, his apprehension and reservations, to know that a hotshot like Kevin was there for him was a bit of an ego boost.

“Well, I’m here now, so if everyone is up for it, we can grab dinner or something later,” he said as he looked around the bed for his hat.

“What about now?”

Edd looked up to see his hat on Kevin’s hat, which was on the redhead’s head.

“I’m free as a bird,” Edd shrugged as he reached for his hat and Kevin leaned away which made him fall right on top of him.

“Tweet, tweet, mother fucker,” Kevin snickered as he tossed both hats on his desk and pulled Edd into a cuddle.

Cuddling wasn’t new for them, but they typically kept it loose and light.

This time, Kevin was holding him and Edd didn’t want him to let go.

Still…

In an effort to put some distance between them but still stay in his space, Edd moved a bit, but that just made Kevin pull him closer.

“Kevin, you’re squishing me,” Edd whined and Kevin huffed as he loosened his grip and Edd rolled onto his side so his back was to the wall.

Kevin pouted a bit before rolling on his side to face him and kiss his nose.

“Miss me?” Edd smirked and Kevin rolled his eyes.

“Well, you’re in my bed so who’s missing who?”

Edd pulled his phone out of his pocket and started counting aloud. When he got to forty, Kevin asked him what he was counting for.

“That’s how many texts I got from you last night while we were at the awards banquet,” Edd replied as he showed him the string of texts from Kevin basically live texting his playing some video games and watching a movie the night before.

“I was bored.”

“Uh huh.”

“You texted me goodnight!”

“Just so you wouldn’t drain my phone with this nonsense!” Edd screamed as he waved his phone in Kevin’s face. Kevin rolled over in a huff and turned about six shades of red when Edd went on, “And then I wake up to twenty more because why now?”

“I just wanted to know if bees really have knees,” Kevin pouted and Edd snickered.

“They do. And penguins do, too.”

“Nerd.”

“Jock.”

“Dork.”

“But I’m cute sooo…,” Edd shrugged and Kevin just stared at him, which made him giggle, which made him cuter and Kevin’s just done.

“You’re cute, but you’re not that cute,” he lied and Edd saw right through it.

“You’re cute, too,” Edd grinned. “But you’re like a five, but not that cute like Jacob Oriole. He’s an eight.”

“My dick’s an eight so…”

“Uhuh,” Edd blinked and Kevin nearly fell off the small bed laughing at him. “That’s not funny, Kevin!”

“Yes, it is!” Kevin chortled. “Oh, my God, if you could see the look on your face right now.”

Edd’s mouth settled into a hard frown and it took everything in Kevin not to kiss him.

They hadn’t gotten past a kiss on the forehead, cheek, or nose, but when Edd frowned, Kevin had to kiss it better. He just couldn’t bring himself to do so.

Edd still seemed so guarded and he didn’t want to scare him away so he held back.

But knowing a hug would ease a smile back on his face he pulled him into his arms as he said, “You started it.”

“How?!”

“You showed up and you just won’t leave,” he grinned as he squeezed him tight because Edd was trying to wiggle away. “I’m teasing, I’m teasing!” he laughed as he let go because if he held on any longer, he’d give Edd something to wiggle about.

“Meanie,” Edd huffed as he wiggled himself back to the safety of the wall.

“Doodyhead.”

“Imbecile.”

“Smart ass.”

“Jackass.”

“Says the guy staring at my ass,” Kevin tossed over his shoulder as he went to his closet. “I’m getting hungry. You want a snack?”

Watching him walk away made Edd sink in the bed a bit and he pulled the pillow close to take in more of the scent that had been taking up too much space in his head lately and to hide a problem that always started whenever they were thisclose.

“N-No, I’m fine,” Edd stuttered as he held the pillow close and picked at his nails.

“It’s like 3, Edd,” Kevin said worriedly before looking from Edd to the clock on his desk. “313, actually. No one is gonna be free til after 6, sooo…”

Edd just shook his head as his appetite left him and anxiousness took its place.

“You ok?”

Edd was startled by Kevin’s sudden appearance in front of him and yelped as he threw his pillow at him. Kevin caught it with a smirk and tossed it back on the bed before falling back on the bed again and pulling Edd into another cuddle.

“What’s wrong, Dee?”

Not many called him Double Dee anymore as the nickname seemed childish to most of their college peers, but Kevin had no problems calling him every other variation of his name for kicks.

“Nothing,” Edd sighed.

Kevin ran a hand through his hair and took in what he could see of Edd’s face that wasn’t hidden by his hair or the pillow.

There was a bit of a worried look in his eyes, but he seemed to be in deep thought so Kevin played in his hair because he knew Edd would talk when he was ready.

Edd leaned into his touch as he wrapped his arms around Kevin’s waist and held himself there. It all felt so good, but a piece of himself wouldn’t let go.

Let go of David, his first real kiss.

Of Adam, who told him he loved him before leaving him for a girl because, “at least she puts out.”

Of Jordan, who did everything right that the others did not and then stole his access to the school’s student records and changed his grades so he could graduate, and Edd’s so he wouldn’t.

If the sudden change hadn’t been so stark, Edd would have never known.

But the scholarship he lost would be memory enough. It wasn’t much, but seeing Ang use it every day to make her ends meet was a regular reminder that trust had to be well earned before given away.

Kevin had shown himself trustworthy, but Edd wondered.

Wondered who else had Kevin courted.

Wondered who else he had caught as they fell.

Who else he had had in his bed.

But rumor had it that Kevin had deleted his dating apps off his phone, changed his Facebook profile so that the Interested In tab was no longer visible, and in general let any and everyone know that he may have been single, but his eyes were only for one person.

Edd

Their phones rang, chirped, and buzzed, but they didn’t move except to put them on Kevin’s desk and just lay on the bed in thoughtful silence.

Kevin playing in his hair made him doze off for a bit and when he woke up, Kevin kissed his forehead and asked if everything was okay.

He had felt concern from his family and friends before, but Kevin’s seem more directed at how he was truly feeling and not how Edd’s feelings were making him feel.

“I’m fine, Kevin,” he replied with a small, but soft smile. “Thank you for being so understanding.”

Kevin would sometimes wonder if Edd was picking up what he was putting down and now that he knew he was and knew that Edd knew that he knew was and that Kevin knew that his past did sometimes make him a bit slow on the uptake, Kevin felt that there was hope for them yet.

“No prob, Double Dork.”

“Really?!”

“What?!”

“Noth-Nevermind,” Edd muttered as he rolled over and Kevin instantly became the Big Spoon.

As his hands eased around Edd’s waist, the ravenette squeaked.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” Edd whispered as he placed Kevin’s hands higher on his torso, but as Kevin squeezed him close, long, wide fingers tickled Edd’s sides and the ravenette jumped away with a squeal and rolled himself into a ball with his back against the wall.

“You’re ticklish!���

“Please, Kevin,” Edd begged and Kevin sat up as he clinched his fists.

“I’m not gonna tickle you,” Kevin said slowly and Edd’s sigh of relief was cut off as the redhead went on. “But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen sometimes.”

Slightly scared, slightly pissed blue eyes met his teasing own and the redhead shrugged.

“You’re the one that’s ticklish, Edd.”

“And you’re not?!” Edd exclaimed as he pulled himself out of his defensive ball and his hands lunged for the jock’s sides.

The sound that came out of Kevin was certainly not one of one being tickled and Edd quickly found himself pinned to the wall.

“I’m not ticklish,” Kevin grinned as he held Edd’s hands over his head.

“Then what the hell just happened?!”

“Heh, you swore.”

“Kevin.”

“Eddward.”

The sudden change in Edd’s eyes should have scared him but Kevin was too busy being drawn into the shocked and awed twinkle in Edd’s ocean blue irises that Kevin didn’t really realize what he had done.

Edd tugged his hands away with a strength Kevin was turned and slightly frightened by. He closed his eyes as his hands settled on Kevin’s sides, just above his hips and he took a deep breath before saying, “Say it again.”

“Say what?!”

Bright, needy blue eyes flashed up into his own as Edd said, “My name.”

But Kevin couldn’t resist a bit more teasing, if only to get this fast moving situation under control.

“Double Dork.”

“That’s not my name, Kevin,” Edd pouted as he pulled his hands away.

“I can call you so many things, Edd,” Kevin whispered as he pulled him close.

“Like what?” Edd deadpanned as his arms hung limply at his sides and he gave Kevin an incredulous look.

“Baby.”

And Edd just looked stunned.

“I like you, Edd.”

“I-I…I know,” Edd said softly as he started to curl his arms around himself. “It’s just that…”

“What?” Kevin asked as he pulled him down into his lap and held him close, but kept his grip loose so Edd would feel comfortable. “What is it?”

Edd looked down at his hands as he said, “I…I don’t know.”

“C’mon, Edd,” Kevin snorted. “A genius like you not know?”

“No one can predict the future, Kevin, so yes, I don’t know.”

“I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to, but I have a feeling that you won’t, especially since I’m not going down without a damn fight.”

“There’s no need to resort to violence, Kevin,” Edd snickered as he brought Kevin’s slightly trembling hands into his own.

“Good, because I’m a lover not a fighter,” Kevin whispered as he pressed their foreheads together and held Edd’s wide eyed gaze with his own smoldering one.

Edd was faltering, but he held on.

Literally.

A soft hand wrapped around the collar of Kevin’s tshirt and shakingly drew the redhead in for a kiss he had been waiting for for months.

It was eager, but soft.

As Edd moaned into his mouth, Kevin’s hands shot into his hair and Edd let himself go.

He fell back limply into strong arms when Kevin broke the kiss apart so they could breathe again and Kevin pressed his forehead into Edd’s heaving chest.

“Whoa,” Edd whispered as the kiss he initiated took his breath away.

“Yeah.”

“Kev?”

Bright green eyes full of devotion shot up and sparkled as he answered, “Yeah?”

“You can call me Baby if you want to.”

And Edd let out a small scream as he found himself suddenly pinned to the mattress.

“Oh, Baby.”

A large calloused hand was up his shirt, rubbing small circles in the small of his back, and Edd couldn’t stop himself as he undid his cuffs while Kevin nommed small kisses on the side of his neck.

“What’re you doin’?” Kevin asked as he pulled away only to sit back on his knees as he watched Edd undo four buttons on the front of his button up and then pull the button and his undershirt with it over his head and toss them away.

“Edd.”

Pouting blue eyes met his own and he said it again as he kissed him.

“Oh, Baby.”

While Edd wanted to argue with himself that they were moving entirely too fast, Kevin’s sweet kisses were bit more distracting.

And he needed them.

It had been so long since he had been in such an intimate position with anyone and he was dying. Physical touch was nice, but kisses were better.

Combined?

Fill his cup up!

But this wasn’t like any make outs he had in high school or the quick hookups he had last year.

There was no rushing outside of chucking their shirts away and the kisses ran the gambit from soft and slow to deep and intense; the touches were electrifying.

Kevin may not have been ticklish but to make him squirm was an absolute delight!

When the redheaded squirmer wiggled away from Edd’s soft fingertips and bit kisses down Edd’s belly, they both froze when he got to the top of Edd’s pants.

“You don’t have to,” Edd whispered and then he whined when his phone rang again.

But the next thing Kevin did made him forget about his communicative device for the next forty-five minutes.

A white hot wet heat enveloped his cock and he screamed as his back arched completely off the bed.

“Please, yes! Dear GOD Almighty!”

A hum begat a moan that had them both melting back in the bed as one of Edd’s hands found its way into Kevin’s hair and the other held on to the underside of the headboard as he guided the redhead through one of the most intimate acts no one had ever done for him.

Nat’s closed fist hovers over Kevin’s dorm room door as a moan fills the room and ekes out into the hallway.

Rolf grabs his hand as Ang and Nazz both slap their hands over their mouths before taking off down the hall and into the common area that separates the large building’s various wings.

Throwing themselves onto the bean bags on the floor, they shake with laughter as Rolf and Nat look at them before hearing a familiar, but muffled voice moan Kevin’s name.

A shocked look crosses Rolf’s face as Nazz hisses at them to get their asses back down the hall.

Before Nat can do something shitty, Rolf grabs his arm and tugs him down the hall as Ang holds her sides and tears stream down her face.

“Wait a min,” Nat huffs once Rolf let him go. “Was that Edd?!”

“It better be,” Nazz said as she tried to catch her breath. “I’m a kill him if it’s not.”

“Yeah, that was Edd,” Ang snickered as she sat up and wiped her eyes. “I’ve known that kid for ages. Our clubs played 7 Minutes In Heaven at a district National Honor Society retreat. I know that moan.”

“Good,” Nazz grinned. “About time they figured it out.”

“Are you sure?” Rolf asked.

“Dude,” Nat said incredulously. “I know you heard him say Big Red’s name in there.”

“But what if it’s just a hook up?”

“I’ll kill him,” Ang and Nazz said together.

“Me, too,” Nat sighed.

“WHAT?!” His friends exclaimed and the peacock rolled his eyes.

“Kevin’s been after that sweet ass for months now. He fucks this up and I’ll kick his ass. Who wants pizza?”

Nazz glanced at Ang who shrugged and they both got off the floor before grabbing hands and walking out, gabbing about how cute their two friends were, Nat and Rolf following behind them as Nat explained to his foreign friend that Kevin and Edd were legit.

The chances of Edd in Kevin’s bed with the redhead between his legs and sucking him off like he was a thick ass milkshake had to be one in a million.

But Edd couldn’t do the math because he was too busy fucking Kevin’s face and moaning Kevin’s name over and over again.

It was what he said as he came that had Kevin’s head spinning as Edd writhed on the bed.

“Kev.”

It was moaned out like a prayer and the blissed out glow on Edd’s face made him look so damn peaceful Kevin didn’t mind doing whatever it took for however long it took to keep that look on his face.

“Lis-Listen,” Kevin stuttered once he pulled off of him and Edd rolled his eyes because at the moment he was completely incapable of doing much of anything. “Look…just hear me out,” he continued as he came to lay next to Edd, who was pulling up his pants as best as his limp limbs and dizzy head would let him. “I really like you, Edd, and –“

“Then do something about it.”

Intense blue eyes locked with his own an as he pulled back a bit in shock, he saw that Edd had a tight grip on his pants that were mid-thigh.

Kevin knew that this could go either way and the way he wanted it to go seemed like the way Edd wanted it to go, too, but he had to be sure.

“I’m calling you Baby til you tell me not to.”

Edd closed his eyes for a moment and when he blinked them open, he couldn’t hide the need that his soul was sending to the surface in waves not unlike the ones Kevin’s mouth had just pulled out of him.

“I won’t.”

Suddenly, it was as if everything was in slow motion but also at super speed.

The kisses were quick but the hand in his hair seemed to move at a snail’s pace. His pants were clawed away, but with his shaking legs it was like it was taking forever to get them out of the way.

When Kevin settled between his legs again, he was still in a bit of shock, as if he couldn’t believe that this was happening.

“Kev.”              

If there was one thing Edd had come to know about Kevin it was that names were a thing with him.

Through names he could build a rapport with people and it made it easy to charm them.

He had names for all of his friends and used them often.

Nat was Nat because that was he asked everyone to call him, but only Kevin could call him Peacock.

Nazz was Nazzerino on most days, Nazz when he was feeling more serious. He would occasionally call her Natasha in a bad Russian accent, but it made her smile so he would never stop.

Angela was Ang, or Princess when he needed something. Rolf hated it because she was his Princess, but if Kevin needed something, and Ang could help, she could be his Princess, too.

Rolf was Rolf. Unless he was being weird and then he was a damn son of a shepherd to Kevin’s stale end piece of white bread.

But Edd was Double Dee, Double Dork, Double Dude, or his favorite, which was simply, Dee.

Til today and he called him Eddward.

Sure, it was his damn name, but to hear the King Of Nicknames use it had Edd feeling so damn special that he was about to give everything in himself away.

But to make sure Kevin knew how he felt, he had to get his attention and he did it the only way he knew how.

Everyone called him Kev. It took a few weeks for Kevin to get used to Edd calling him Kevin, which was harder to deal with than Mr Barr because at their age, Mister was slowly but surely becoming a thing.

But for Edd to call him Kev meant something because Edd very rarely used nicknames outside of those who he considered friends.

Gentleman were to be called by their proper names and you always let the lady take the lead. His only exception to the rule was his very best friends but that was only because they all had the same name.

Kevin had been nothing but a gentleman since they met,  but the nickname habit was a hard one to break. Especially since Nat’s forward behavior towards him made him want to keep the habit because it was the only thing keeping the peacock at bay.

To call him Kev would lead to a new familiarity that Edd needed in his life because it was just for them. And the easy way that the name came out of his mouth made it even easier to get closer to the one who loved the way Edd said his name.

“Y-Yeah?”

“It’s ok. I…I want this, too.”

“Me or this?”

“Yes.”

A hard kiss.

A guiding hand.

Back and neck support to hold him through the searing shock, pressure, and pleasure of it all.

When Kevin bottomed out, he nearly fainted, but held on.

The pressure on his cock felt mind numbingly good, the pounding in his chest was far more from how Edd made him feel than from exercising all his strength in moving as slow as possible so he wouldn’t hurt him.

He was grateful that they weren’t doing this under the covers because he was hot as hell and sweating like a shamed whore in church.

“Dear Lord.”

“You ok?!” He asked worriedly, scared that Edd wasn’t feeling as good as he was and starting to regret this.

“Move.”

When he pressed his face into the side of Edd’s neck and did as he was told, the moan the other groaned out as he did so made his head shoot up and the look on Edd’s face had a pressure building in his gut that felt like nothing else he had ever felt before.

Relief was dancing in his blue eyes, but so was something like appreciation.

As his eyes fluttered closed and long, dark eye lashes danced across high, flushed cheekbones, the gap between his two front teeth flashed in a small, wistful smile.

Ok, so Edd is feeling good, but Kevin wanted him to feel even better.

But instead of showing off, he followed Edd’s lead.

Soft hands eased from Kevin’s shoulders to his hips and started to guide the way he rocked Edd into the bed.

“Yeesss,” Edd hissed breathlessly. “Just like that.”

Kevin kept his eyes on his face, even when Edd shifted and took him in deeper.

His head fell, but Edd kept their foreheads together with one hand on the back of Kevin’s  head.

The other was squeezing his ass and Kevin was flying.

The kisses to his face and lips were so sweet and the longing look in Kevin’s green eyes let Edd know that this wasn’t going to be a one time, two time, even handful of times thing.

Kevin hadn’t been saying that he liked him because he was cute or smart. He had said he was funny once or twice, but then Ang said he was witty and Kevin had been giggling about it since Christmas.

In close spaces, a hand would graze his arm as they or their group shifted from one thing to the next, an arm would be around his shoulders or waist to guide him or hold him still.

His interests in what he did was genuine for sure and when you put it together with his friendly concern, his flirting, his just trying to get to know him, Edd knows that this is more than like, or even like like.

This is a crush.

A mutual one.

From the first time they met, there was something about the jock that Edd liked.

The way he carried himself, the way he was always so open, respecting, and cool with nearly everyone on campus.

It was hard to get on Kevin’s bad side and even harder to stay there, so to be in his good graces and for Kevin to do everything he could just to get Edd to stay was way more than Edd could hope for in their interactions.

Didn’t hurt that he was hawt, too.

And if Kevin wanted to make all of this a thing, Edd was here for it.

Because his dreams, his wistful fantasies, his lustful thoughts was nothing compared to actually feeling those strong hands in his hair, holding his body close, in his own.

To feeling that mouth on his cheeks, nose, lips; to feeling it bite his neck in a desperate need to leave his mark, to taste him, to draw out of him intelligible words that only Kevin’s grunts and growls understood.

He was here for it all.                          

Every movement of the redhead’s hips brought Edd closer to the edge of orgasmic bliss, but the intimacy of everything about this was going to bring them into something that would glow for as long as they let it.

Edd couldn’t wait to take the journey.

“Kev…”

“Yeah, Baby?”

Needy blue eyes meet his own and Edd’s hand starts to graze down his torso to his cock and Kevin’s torn.

The entire time he’s been so focused on the sweet, beautiful expressions crossing Edd’s face that he forgot that Edd would need to put a seal on this whole deal and either Edd would do it himself or Kevin could bring his Baby the ecstasy he needed.

“Kev.”

Once again, his name is moaned out like a prayer and the look in Edd’s eyes makes Kevin wonder if Edd’s done this before.

“Edd.”

A whine is kissed away but Edd doesn’t stop stroking himself, the near disbelieving look in his eyes growing weaker with every touch.

It evaporates and is replaced with a yearning that only Kevin will ever meet when the redhead knocks Edd’s hand away and takes over.

“My Baby.”

A hard grip is around his shoulders and a sob is in his ears as Edd’s body tenses up and then shakes them both.

A sloppy kiss and a soft cuddle.

When Edd could finally pull his head together, a panicked look crossed his face and Kevin damn near stopped breathing again as he pushed the redhead away and did his best to run to the bathroom.

When he heard the shower come on, he snorted and rolled his eyes.

“Want some company?” He called to him from the other side of the closed door.

When Edd burst into the most obnoxious chorus of Celine Dion’s All By Myself he had ever heard, Kevin yanked the door open and nearly tore the shower curtain off the bar as he stormed in and said, “REALLY!?”

“I mean…” Edd shrugged as he handed him the shampoo.

“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin sighed as his hands got tangled up in Edd’s hair again.

Naturally.

When they settled on the couch after their shower, Kevin went to call Nat to see if everyone was up for dinner only to see pictures of their friends having a pizza party at Rolf’s on the peacock’s Instagram feed.

“They ditched us,” he sighed as he showed Edd the pictures Nat had taken of the impromptu party.

“Meh. I’m thinking Asian, though,” the ravenette shrugged as he stretched his legs across Kevin’s lap.

And over fried rice, Rangoon, Kung Pao beef and Moo Shu chicken, they had their first real date, thus making them official.

Nat would swear his pictures of his date with their friends were better than the sweet photos Edd would post on Facebook later, but chances are everyone else, even the peacock himself, knows better.

Because love just looked good on them like that.

#kevedd #kevedd fanfiction #reg!kevedd #reg!kev #reg!edd #kevin barr #eddward vincent #rolfang #nathan kedd goldberg #nazz von bartonschemer #tumblr exclusive

[amorremanet]

“what am i writing” meme

Okay, so, @bizeke​ tagged me in a, “what are you writing right now” meme, and I’ve been trying to figure out how I wanted to answer it because, for once in my life, I don’t have a huge pile of WIPs. Like, I’m deliberately trying to rein myself in and refrain from letting the rabid plot-bunnies have their way with my brain to the point that I end up getting nothing done because I get overwhelmed by how many possibilities there are and how many ideas I have.

Let me tell you what: as a Ne-dom (ENTP), this is one of the worst punishments that I could ever imagine and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, like, ever.

But I’m actually trying to stick to it, because it’s in the name of trying to focus on and do right by the project that is my main Thing right now, in basically all areas of life. Unfortunately for my desire for instant gratification, it’s going to be long. I mean, it’s a novel, so that’s part of the deal and one just has to suck it up and live with that, or just never write novels unless you can crank them out at a Stephen King-esque pace. Unfortunately for how much I like the community (and validation!) that comes built in with writing fan-things, it’s also original fic (which is also scary as fuck, but hey).

So, to get this part out of the way first: the “as yet untitled because I suck and titles are hard fml” project is a novel. It’s a superhero story with LGBTQ protags who are also largely neurodivergent, mentally ill, and/or otherwise disabled. The main story concerns a ragtag bunch of misfits — some of them super-powered mutants and some not — who come together in a new team and in just trying to do some good in the world for various reasons (and working together because they all realize that they can’t actually do that much on their own), they stumble into a bigger plot and wind up pitting themselves against a half-shadowy cabal of big deal neo-fascist supervillains (some mutants, and some not, though in their case, the non-mutants are generally treated like pets, rather than people and full team members).

ngl, the three biggest causes for this project were:

1. I needed a new project for my thesis because fuck this shit, I don’t wanna be in grad school anymore, and after having my project jerked around by practically everyone in my department at one point or another, the fanfic thing I settled on wasn’t working and I am really well and truly beyond fucking sick of grad school;

2. I had this one character in particular — the oft-mentioned mutant disaster, Sebastian — who I initially drew up for this game that my Sunday night tabletop group was playing last summer. The idea of there being mutant superheroes was similar, but Double Cross’s system is heavily inspired by the Parasite Eve series of video games, with a little bit from the novel that inspired them (by which I mean that the rule-book is pretty explicit about it; sure, they build on the world in their own ways to give players more options for their characters, and bring in some other influences, but they don’t hide that their primary source of inspiration is Parasite Eve).

Anyway, the Double Cross system relies a lot on character-driven drama and works it into the gameplay (one example is the “Lois” system, where you make up NPCs who help keep your character tethered to their sense of humanity, so they won’t get completely taken over by the shiny super-mitochondria that have gotten inside them and could make them turn into a monster). Additionally, I’ve been playing with my GM, Jake, since we were in high school, and I know that he likes having as much stuff to use against the characters as possible. I also know that it makes games with him more fun because he gets better ideas that way

(which is also why I knew damn well that the short, historical setting horror thing we did in January and February was going to be short, but still gave him a ten-page backstory for my French Jesuit priest that I could’ve backed up with sources for, “yes, this was actually a Thing in early to mid-17th century Paris” or, “yes, this was part of the process of becoming a Jesuit in that time period” had he asked for them)

Which, for Sebastian, meant that I started writing with the intent of it being three things

a brief apology note to Dr. Maeda (a scientist Jake borrowed from Parasite Eve because he’s a really fun character, whom Seb hadn’t really had an altercation with? But with his self-deprecating humor that almost no one else finds funny, Seb had accidentally made Dr. Maeda think that he’d offended him, and he wanted to apologize for that);

one letter to his older brother Max that would’ve been written while Seb was in rehab (which, in an idea that I straight up lifted from Augusten Burroughs’s memoir, Dry, had the prompt, “write to someone close to you and express your feelings about them and your relationship” and it had a lot of instances where Seb quoted something from Oscar Wilde’s De Profundis and somehow, whether fairly on himself or not, connected it to his and Max’s situation, in which he cast himself as a fuck-up on the level of Bosie Douglas. It also had a lot of snarky footnotes);

and one that he would’ve written to Max after the party’s first big adventure together (the major TL;DR point of which was, “ahahahaha, I was trying so hard to get my life together but oh no, shit, I fucked up and everything is terrible, you were right and I was wrong and now I can’t give you all the details of why you were right because the FBI says a lot of it’s classified but you were right and I fucked up and oh my god why” — just… with a lot of tangents and backstory and yet more snarky footnotes)

—but because I’m me, I quickly lost control of that idea.

I figured out the entire timeline of major events (largely but not entirely by hand, and in a few places, there is arguably too much detail, like how I know all of the classes that Seb took in undergrad, where it all fit into his substance abuse history, and exactly how that exacerbated his already Not Good mental health)

I did a lot of writing and a lot more revising and then more writing and then some research — like sketching out a list of TV Tropes that applied to Seb and his backstory, and by, “sketching” I mean that I listed them, and in most cases, I wrote up explanations for why he deserved the tropes or how I was trying to play with them

some of which were fairly brief (e.g., the explanation for his exact brand of being a Stepford Smiler is only 185 words, most of them actually being about how he made it to nearly 30 without having anyone suggest that he might be living with depression)

while others were kinda not (like, the 2,400-word explanation of why he got, “Angst, What Angst?” and “Conditioned to Accept Horror” on his list, which got listed together because they were part of the same larger problem and helped to fuel each other)

I went through multiple versions of all of those letters except the first one (and, in the case of the second, even made the drafts full-on “canon” things in their own right, documenting Seb’s ongoing attempts at paring a draft down enough to share in group therapy, because that was part of the in-universe conceit about why he was writing to Max in the first place)

I added other letters still (like, one to Pete that Seb was writing in rehab, with the in-universe prompt, “list 99 problems that you have that don’t have anything to do with your brother or his wife, because seriously? you’ve been going on about him so much, it’s starting to feel like you’re talking about shit with him in order to get out of talking about anything else in your life”; and one letter to Max that Seb wrote before his first overdose, which would have jossed his, “oh yeah, totally an accident, can I go back to class on Monday please” lie because it was explicitly a suicide note)

—and all up, by the time Jake decided that he was having trouble bringing things together into a larger game after the first adventure, I’d written about one order of words

”Order” here meaning, “a unit of word length measurement equivalent to the length of Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix, i.e. 257,045 words”

—which I exceeded somewhat but not by enough to make too big a difference, not least since most of these drafts will not be making an appearance in the novel itself.

So, I was like, “Well, fuck. I did all of that and we’re not even going to keep playing that game? ……Screw this, I didn’t do all that work for fuck-all nothing, I’ve gotta find something else to do with Seb and his story”

This first necessitated going back to the drawing board, scrapping a lot of the stuff that was directly related to Parasite Eve or Double Cross, or finding a new way to reconfigure it so that it wasn’t just me lifting shit from either of them

Because I’m me, that led to more and more ideas coming up, which in turn pretty much guaranteed that…… okay, yes, Sebastian got to be a POV character first, because in all due fairness, he was here first and the story wouldn’t exist without him…… but he’s not quite, “the main character” in the same way that, say, Harry Potter is (nor would he really want to be)

And TL;DR: this whole thing started because I wanted to help my GM make my character suffer, only for him to drop the game, after which I didn’t want all the work I did to go to waste and be totally meaningless, so hey

and 3. ……Well, I mean. I had a lot of ideas that I kept trying to turn into fanficcy things, but at a certain point, I just had to admit that they would have gotten into, “unless you can show why this is a legit interpretation or development for these characters, it’s going to be OOC” territory

and after enough rounds of this, I gave up and went, “Okay, fuck it, FINE. Rather than try to shoehorn any of my pre-extant fictional faves into these ideas that they do not actually fit into, only for the sake of writing them as fic and getting more or less immediate Validation, I’m gonna go write my own story! With mutants! And canon LGBTQ characters! And canon neurodiversity! Because FUCK IT, that’s why!”

I guess that one could say that I finally hit, “fuck it.”

In universe, the mutant thing isn’t being treated as an oppression allegory in its own right (I say, definitely looking pointedly at the X-Men, but not exclusively at them, because in fairness, they are so not the only guilty parties here), and the issue of metahuman licensing isn’t being used as a metaphor for any example of governments illicitly keeping tabs on oppressed or marginalized people.

Like, there are still major flaws in the system and how it’s enacted on people because it’s the U.S. government, but the entire thing is treated more like taking driver’s ed and going to the DMV because the fact of the matter is that we are talking about people who have shit like super-strength, telepathy, and heat vision, and it’s fair for other citizens to want to make sure that they can control their powers, and that they know and agree to abide by certain laws about how they can and can’t use them

(e.g., yes, it is considered rape if you telepathically coerce someone into sex. Exactly what charges you’ll face vary from state to state, but it’s still rape, and unless there are some seriously extenuating circumstances — like, say, if you have two teenage telepathic mutants who didn’t know that they were mutants and thus couldn’t control their powers, so both of them have broken the law here, but unless there was some other kind of force or coercion involved, neither can be held criminally responsible — you will be prosecuted if you get caught.

Whether or not you get caught is another issue entirely, and it’s a huge mess for a lot of reasons, but in theory, this is how the law works.)

The novel I’m working on now is also going to be the first in a series of four or five — give or take “Dunk and Egg”-esque tie-in stories, mostly because I’m still a Ne-dom and, even without all the world-building being set in stone at present, I’m already attached to and intrigued by several characters and parts of my world that aren’t part of the “main” storyline

(which is, itself, already an ensemble cast production, just with focal/POV characters for each installment because otherwise, I would probably pull a GRRM, get overloaded by all of the different POVs and trying to balance them effectively, and then either die or be photographed running around in a giant hamster ball because I’m trying to run away from my problems that I created all by myself)…

…but also partly because it is annoyingly easier to find potential “legit” places to publish shorter works and get yourself “legitimately” established by putting out some of those first.

You lot get three guesses each as to why I find this annoying, the first two don’t count, and if you guess literally anything but some variation on, “But, Kassie! You’re in the exact same TL;DR club as GRRM! One of your more popular TW fics was a 23k vaguely stream of consciousness beast in which you committed the same literary sin that you bag on Marcel Proust about all the time, because almost nothing actually happened”?

……then I probably love you for having such faith in me, but you have way too much faith in me because… yeah, no. That’s pretty much it. The “legitimate” “grown-up” publishing world’s fondness for short stories annoys me entirely because I don’t like being brief, or cutting things out, or so on and so forth.

Shit, I’m having enough trouble in Pages right now today, because I decided that this one beat in one scene of the novel was getting too far into territory that is actually meant for the chapter right after it, so I’m trying to figure out where to cut it, so I can then relocate the dialogue to where it makes more sense. Trying to be succinct…… is not one of my strong suits, period.

To be fair? The novel… well. It wouldn’t be a Thing without my years in fandom and my immersion in fan culture. It just would not be possible without that part of my background.

On one hand, that’s due to how many ideas I wouldn’t have been exposed to without fandom discussing them in the different ways that we have, and how many things I wound up reading or watching because I saw that other people were enjoying them and I wanted to know what was up, and then all the criticism that I saw from fans of said things about issues of how stories and media are shaped by the sociopolitical structures that content creators live with

And on the other hand, it’s because my story is a literary pastiche that is not entirely a deconstruction of the genre, but rather a recombination of different tropes and pieces of the superhero genre, plus pieces from other genres because fuck the idea that genres can or should be strictly delineated and kept separate from each other at all times that’s why, where I acknowledge that there is little room to actually do anything that is “entirely new” — both in the sense that we’re all influenced, both consciously and not, by everything around us, so you can make the far-end argument that nothing is “purely” or “entirely new,” since that would require things to be made in a vacuum, and in the sense that… well. I mean.

Come on, I’m working in an established genre that has had several different voices and perspectives chime into it in various fashions since it first got started with the original Superman comics in 1938 (and even that is arguably not the start, since the origins of the genre go waaaay the fuck back, and almost no one writing about the genre critically likes to let it just be its own thing without bringing up precedents like Gilgamesh, Heracles, and the Scarlet Pimpernel), and even if I weren’t also bringing in things from outside the superhero genre, I would have no significant chance of doing something that hasn’t already been done at some point, by somebody, somewhere.

Moreover, uh. I get why the Ang Lee Hulk isn’t everyone’s taste, I do. It’s not my favorite anything but any means, but I enjoy parts of it. But that being said, there are, in the superhero genre, certain expectations that certain tropes and story or character elements will appear in some fashion, even if they’re being brutally deconstructed, and Ang Lee tried his best to weasel out of a lot of them because he didn’t want his movie to have the, “stigma” of being, “just a superhero movie.”

Which is a shame, because a lot of his ideas about how he wanted to interpret Bruce Banner as a character, interpret the dynamic between Bruce and the Hulk, and so on? Those actually could’ve been really fun…… but he didn’t want to make, “a superhero movie,” so he ignored the value of all the shit that he should’ve been using to actualize these ideas on the screen, and he had to essentially paste that stuff on like, “Fine, here’s your superhero bullshit, you fucking comic book nerds”

Which all sort of adds up to, “I mean, I’m trying to challenge or play with some of these genre staples — and some of the more optional ones, I’m doing away with because they’re common but not necessary and I think they’re not part of the stories I want to tell, or they’re very particular to certain mediums that are not the one I’m working in — but…… fuck, man, it’s still a superhero story. It’s not like you can’t tell superhero-influenced stories without these things, but if you’re telling a flat-out superhero story, then…… yeah, you kinda do need to at least acknowledge them, and if you don’t have some kind of appreciation for the genre, then why the fuck are you working in it”

(And this is a brief aside to point out that Ang Lee isn’t the only content creator who’s been called a genius and has been guilty of going all like, “fuck superhero stories, they’re just pointless stupid trashy kid stuff for babies, lmao” while also being involved in working on one.

The list is probably even longer than I know, but I feel especially obligated to point out that Heath Ledger had nothing but disdain for the entire superhero genre before playing the Joker in TDK, literally only agreed to do that because Christopher Nolan was involved and Batman Begins had been noticeably “higher-quality” by most people’s standards than the Joel Schumacher Batman movies and the then-extant X-Men movies, and really only seemed to have come around about the quality of certain stories that he read as character prep — like The Killing Joke, The Man Who Laughs, and Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth

—and frankly, he and Nolan both seem(ed) to see those stories [plus a handful of others, in Nolan’s case] as special exceptions were, “not like all the rest of the genre,” rather than seeing them as indications of what the entire genre can be capable of.

Which is not to say that I acknowledge the validity of any other non-Cesar Romero live-action Joker, because unless someone really wows me or they come up with an idea that Mark Hamill could do live-action and managed to talk him into it, that’s probably not going to happen, and both Nicholson and Leto can eat me because they were just awful as the Clown Prince of Crime. Awful in different ways, admittedly, but still. Just. AWFUL. Absolutely abysmal.

It’s also not to say that the superhero genre is entirely awesome, since… lmao, Sturgeon’s Law, people. 90% of everything is probably some kind of bullshit. It can be entertaining bullshit, sure, but it’s probably still some kind of bullshit.

What I am trying to say, though, is that the entire genre is not special for having a lot of bullshit in it, because frankly, EVERY GENRE has mostly a lot of bullshit in it, so holding the superhero genre to some special double standard is ridiculous and elitist, and no, we shouldn’t look at things like Watchmen, A Serious House on Serious Earth, or anything else you might want to put on a, “special exceptions” list as being separate from the genre that spawned them.

They’re superhero stories. Barring some examples like Watchmen that have characters that were new when they first came out, these stories literally have characters like Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman running around, having adventures and fighting bad guys. Being of an allegedly, “higher quality” than any random issue you pick off the rack on Wednesday does not mean that they aren’t superhero stories

—and I realize that most of the people reading this already probably kind of feel the same about the elitist nonsense that goes on regarding pretty much every example of genre fiction, except for like big-budget sci-fi and fantasy that either sticks to very conventional models, and/or is written and/or directed by someone we might call an Auteur™, like Ridley Scott, James Cameron, or Guillermo del Toro, or like GRRM would be called if he made movies

……but this tendency grinds my gears anyway because the fuck what even, people. All of the genre fiction that gets bagged on like this has an established history with enough examples to prove that they are is just as widely varied in content and “quality” as yet another movie about a cis white dude and a cis white lady who want to be together but they can’t because of Reasons Or Something, wow such innovation, very forbidden, etc. etc. obviously NO ONE has EVER told a story like this before in the entire history of human storytelling, ha ha ha, GAG)

But anyway, as I was saying. Pastiche or something.

Still, it’s not a deconstruction properly because as much as I love and am creatively indebted to some of them — with Watchmen on the, “it has problems but I overall love it even if I don’t always agree with what Alan and Dave had to say or how they said it” side, The Dark Knight Returns on the, “Frank Miller can go step on a rusty nail and get tetanus, what a douchebag” side,

Deadpool in general on the, “I mean, I respect that you have a vision of what kind of fourth wall-breaking self-aware hijinks you want to get up to, and I enjoy it sometimes, but on one hand? For all I don’t agree with everything that’s said in Wisecrack’s “Philosophy of Deadpool” video, I do think it’s fair to say that you guys often have a lot in common with hipsters, and that you have the potential to do cool shit like Cervantes did Don Quixote, but that you often don’t go as far as you could with it, which can sometimes be kinda disheartening. More importantly, though, your vision is cool and has a place at the table too, but it’s not MY vision, so you do your thing and I’m gonna do mine and if I ever do get published, I hope I can meet Gail Simone because I would just die” side

and several others falling at various points of somewhere in the middle and shit — uhhh? It’s just??? Like?

I just… don’t… really… want to write a massive deconstruction?

I mean. I enjoy reading some of them (or there are others like TDKReturns, where it’s less that I enjoy them and more that they’re important to the genre’s history but I hate them and the only reason I haven’t literally set fire to my copy of that book is that…… shit, man, that thing was expensive, and if I set it on fire, I’d have to either buy a new one or get a .cbr file for free, which would be illegal and I obviously do not condone it, nope, not at all, nudge wink ssssh)…

and I won’t deny that they’ve influenced how I approach the genre as both a reader and as a creator (I mean, ffs, I have a minor character who was literally inspired by a mix of Rorschach and my desire to petulantly piss off every fucking dudebro fanboy who reads Watchmen and doesn’t get that Rorschach is supposed to be seen as completely reprehensible. Yes, he’s a different kind of reprehensible from Eddie Blake and Adrian Veidt, but all of them are still pretty reprehensible, that’s kind of the fucking point. The only so-called “heroes” in Watchmen who accomplish anything of major historical significance are either completely reprehensible, or they’re Doctor Manhattan and so far removed from their former sense of humanity that they might as well be on a different existential plane entirely)

……but, for all I enjoy deconstructions, I don’t want to write one, personally.

And anyway, the original point to all of this is that my story wouldn’t exist as it does without fandom because, on one hand, I got exposed to pretty much all of this through/because of fandom, or while I was in fandom; and on the other, the way that fandom relies so much on envisioning new possibilities for characters and stories, and combining seemingly disparate elements into new shapes, and mashing up tropes and ideas that don’t seem to go together but finding a way to make it work…… like?

That’s shaped me so much as a writer, even outside of fandom, that I don’t know where to begin finding examples of it in action, because it’s just everywhere in my writing tbh. And I don’t think that it makes anything I’m doing, “new” as such, because I’m probably overly aware of what most of my different influences are and how they’ve influenced me in which ways and so on…… but I don’t need or want to completely reinvent the wheel, I just want to have fun making up my stories and maybe bringing in something that other people enjoy and can read without feeling like their time was wasted, y’know?

…also, I will totally admit to certain fandom mainstay tropes and idioms having different degrees of influence on my story, and to deliberately trying to work in phrases like, “to toe out of one’s shoes” that are almost exclusively found in fanfiction because…… uh, I know where I came from, and while I might have various problems with where I came from on a pretty much constant basis, I still love and respect where I came from, so why not use some of our idioms and popular tropes?

………also? I’m doing it because I want to, that’s why.

Just like how there was no actual NEED, as such, for me to make Yael and Elizabeth a deliberate middle-finger to Marvel and their penchant for baiting Cherik, and then screaming, “OH WAIT NOOOOOPE, NO HOMO, DON’T LET’S BE SILLY, CHILLAX YOU STUPID FANGIRLS!!!!” — like I could’ve had them in the story and the world without doing that…

…but I wanted to do that, so I’m gonna do that, and since I’m not violating any copyright or intellectual property laws because what I’m doing doesn’t rip off anything more than general concepts that Marvel has no exclusive or protected ownership of, and even if it did, what I’m doing would count as a commentary or satire and be protected by the First Amendment and the US Supreme Court, therefore no one can do shit about shit to stop me from having my two badass older lady lesbians who are, in fact, married and are co-headmistresses of their school for the exceptionally gifted. Nah nah nah nah nah nah, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

(……………I am a serious adult writer who takes her writing seriously. …also, I’m sorry, and I’m done now, and thank you for reading if you have, and if you got to this finishing point, please go help yourself to like…… a cookie. Or five. Or idk, any kind of treat you want, I don’t know you and I’m not your boss, so I can’t guess what your idea of a treat is much less tell you what to do. Okay, I’m done now, bye)

ETA: ……oh, and I guess that I tag whoever wants to do this themself, because I just spent a few hours writing it and I don’t wanna look at it anymore, not even to pass the meme on, so…… heeeey, free invite, you can do a meme just because you want to and then blame me

#bizeke #ella tag #memes for ts #mine: writing #that story with the mutants that i should find a working title for fml #opinions for ts #i wouldn't say that i'm being exactly critical of marvel or dc or anything that i mention by name in this #but i'm not being NOT-critical either bc i'm talking about how they all influenced my approach to the superhero genre & writing in it #and since i perpetually have some kind of criticism or some kind of problem with pretty much everything……… well. #things that vaguely resemble criticism do kinda tend to come up a bit #……also i yell for a while about the elitist bullshit that most genre fiction is subjected to and how much i hate it #because it's always a good time to hate elitist bullshit

[elvesofnoldor]

i screened my thesis project again today along with my classmates, and honestly it went way better than yesterday, so my state of being has gone from “death” to “i think i’m a neurotypical now!!” even though i have a group assignment worth 30% due tomorrow and we more or less just started lol (i got it under control though, its just a fake grant application for a hypothetical arts project). Yesterday, and today morning, I was really worried about “grainy” images--they were not very grainy at all, but they aren’t the most pleasing visuals either.  i can’t really help with it beside making images too soft on edges or with a editing software plug in, so whatever, the images look better when they are projected anyways. 

More people showed up, no one walked out--and a prof who apparently walked out on many other classmates’ presentations stayed for mine and said he liked mine. Couple of more people complimented my project. Oh boy I kinda wish he’s grading my project now, because the profs grading my project were not fans lmao! (Francis--one of the profs grading my project--said the video essay was “very good” but im pretty sure she doesnt like the film itself, which is understandable considering that i basically shot it myself and had some help from a friend). I actually have such complicated feelings about this prof that liked my film (hes called scott). Like, first of all, i think i have a good shot at getting an A in his European films course right now, and he actually LECTURED in this course while he didn’t really do that for any other courses he taught in lol (i got ok grades in his two other courses but not an A yet). On one hand, Scott is just a very typical fine art department prof for not giving a heck in terms of lecturing, but on the other hand, hes super cultured and actually pretty laid back. His lecture in the European cinema class is so rich in content that I think if i recorded his one hour lecture and edited it, it’d be a very solid film editorial. He’s a cool leftist dude, he just doesnt give a heck sometimes. Anyways, my little short film is based on Wong Kar Wai’s aesthetic, and in Scott’s comment, he said that he could see how wong kar wai and Godard (a French new wave pioneer) influenced my short film, and considering that he didnt seem to stay for any other people’s project, I’m pretty sure that the fact that my film reminded him of one of the new wave filmmaker is THE reason he stayed for mine. Ofc he’s the only one who could truly appreciate it. Obviously, weird/unconventional story structure basing off obscure aesthetic influence just doesn’t go well with 0 dollar budget and mediocre film equipment and no professional help! But most importantly! No professional help! This would have worked out if the profs kept in mind the limitation we have and the limitation they have while they graded us!!! Godard also shot with basically no budget as well, but again he was a PIONEER--that’s why his films are any value in this time and day. 

Our class is meeting the thesis course’s profs again on this Wednesday, because we need to discuss our final project submission. i really want my profs to give me feedback on the changes they want, cause i need to give my shot at getting a decent grade in this 6 units course (a full year course done in one term, actually). I already got into grad school, and i dont think anything above B- would ruin my GPA--tbh I’m expecting a B or B+, and i’d throw a goddamn party if i manage to get a A- with the grade i got from mid term presentation (i participated a lot and attended all the classes and got a A- on my proposal, its just that one shit ass grade on mid term). It’s not fucking fair though, I could have a shot at A-, but they didnt properly explain what they wanted from me--or anyone tbh--on the mid term presentation and gave me shit grade for their own incompetence lol! I’m not the only ones who dislike them--most of the class don’t. I could have gotten an ok grade for my mid term if i knew what they wanted! It’s not like I’m not capable of providing the information at the time! Like I said before, they failed people (not me, thank shit) on the mid term based on arbitrary terms. They also got into trouble later because five people out of 26 ppl in the class have gone to our department head and complained lol! And i know the class in general didnt do great on the 25% mid term presentation. So for our final 35% of the mark? They better grade us according to the resources we are given! which is none!!!  They were seriously no help whatsoever, and I will shit on them till I fucking die lol. I don’t shit on profs or teachers often, but how they structured and dealt with the class was beyond unacceptable. i didn’t really talk to one of them, but today at the dinner, she said it to my face--”well we told you, you can’t shoot a film on your own”. WELL SHIT BITCH! YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME ANY SUGGESTION ON WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD WHEN KNOW I DONT REALLY HAVE HELP, AND YOU ARE FUCKING PAID TO DO THAT!! SO!! The only positive thing that came out of this experience is that i figured out that i dont wanna have anything to do with shooting on set or directing after this project, because coordinating people and putting together a crew are NOT my strongest suit and I accept that a little too late. If I wasn’t so obsess with wong kar wai, i might have see reason early on...but oh well, i did this, and at least im not doing something like that ever again. To be honest, im in film because im most passionated about story construction anyways, so after my M.A, hopefully I can have a strong enough profolio to apply for screenwriting program. I think i should really write a featured screenplay over the summer, they are easier to churn out and i gotta do it for my career lol. The longest consistent thing i’ve written is a 20 pages short story, but i also wrote that in only two nights. I just gotta sit down and do the stuff, cause i either don’t write at all or i write a lot super fast--mainly to meet a deadline.  But dude i dont wanna figure this important info out regarding my career path on the expense of my grade lol!! i know that we university students are supposed to figure a lot of things out on our own blah blah blah, but that doesnt mean we are paying profs $300 per course for them to sit around and giving us shit grades for nothing!!! Fucking film profs i s2g, they are either no help whatsoever and snobby af, or doesnt give heck and no help whatsoever. I was nothing but polite and civil and sweet when talking to my thesis course profs, but believe me, when i was thinking abt the way they behaved, im in such mood to go off. 

#long post for ts #personal post for ts #long personal post for ts #yolanda talks #me for ts #not spn

[angelic-distortion]

Yeah, so as you may have read from yesterday/last month’s post (seriously, why did it delete, I’m not happy about that), I haven’t written in a long time. I had every intention of writing after Tunes weekend…but I slept so hard. Then the next weekend. And now we’re here. So I have a lot of things to talk about, and hopefully I’ll remember them all.

TUNES!!!! I love tunes so much. Like all that hard work is definitely worth it in the end. Our performance got a standing ovation during club view, and everyone complimented our show. All the other shows were wonderful, too, and I think this is one of the best years of tunes in my 4 years of being at Ouachita. Here are some pictures from the tunes weekend, and a link to a video of our performance! I also found a picture from my first tunes show here at Ouachita, Campus Activities Freshman Year! One night after a show, I invited some home group friends to come over and play games. It was Sam, Chad, Winston, AJ, and I, and we played some Jackbox Party Pack games. It was a lot of fun, and there’s a picture of Sam and Winston being silly.

The homecoming game was fun even though I had to wake up at 6 and stay awake through the game, our first tunes performance of the day, our second tunes performance of the day, and muggin. It was totally worth it, even though we lost the game. (Tunes is what made it worth it let’s be real.)

Here are some of the makeup projects I’ve done this month! For 3D makeup, we had to utilize things that are not makeup and put them on our face. Out of the hat, I chose a number that gave me gears and wire as my inspiration images, so my makeup was a warrior robot. Then another project was a fantasy character from a play or musical, but we had to do it on a partner and not on ourselves. I chose Ursula as my character to turn Olivia into. The pearls were a pain in the butt to spirit gum on. They didn’t want to stay. Then the next week, Olivia turned me into Lady MacBeth.

Drawing 1 projects have been messy this past month. We’ve done a lot of subtractive drawing where you shave charcoal or pastels onto the paper, smooth it out, and erase your drawing. We did a box, part of a skeleton, and part of the muscle man. We have a big project I’m working on right now, but I’ll tell you more about that next week (hopefully) when I’m finished with it!

We also had our first Women’s Chorus/Ouachita Singers concert of the year! And we got to wear our PJ’s to Theatre History.

Then Fall Break began. I went home, and had….honestly not much of a break. I had lots of appointments, errands to run, and homework to do. I did have some fun in there, but it was definitely not restful fun. We went to the Mena Homecoming game, which like Ouachita, we also lost. The halftime shows were good though! It was also fun hanging out with Allie and Taylor and having Macy and Maddox be weird and funny with us. (Macy took that third picture of me). After the game, we went to Ft. Smith to spend the night because dad was flying out to Haiti the next morning. After mom took him to the airport and came back and slept in a little bit, I did my makeup and her makeup, and we went shopping. I bought wayyyyyyy too much makeup. All that is pictured below, is not all that I got. I mean, it was all stuff I didn’t have before, and needed, but “I don’t really need all that makeup” or whatever. (Yes i do) We also went searching for the dress for my halloween costume. We finally found the perfect one at Goodwill! I also bought a Bob’s Burgers mug and some fox slippers!

Now we’re finally onto this past week. I’ve been working on 4 really big projects all at once, so it’s definitely been a bit stressful at times. My halloween costume is going great, and I’m actually going to enter it into a contest! I’ll post more about that either next week or the week after with not only the completed costume, but the building process, too! I’ve been working on my drawing project that I mentioned above. It’s really difficult, but I think it’s gonna look pretty cool when I’m done with it. I’ve been working on my website for grad school. It’s basically my online portfolio. I’ve gotten the front page done, but it’s not done enough for me to justify linking it anywhere just yet. I’ve also (finally) begun writing my thesis. I should’ve written it over the summer, or at least started at the beginning of the semester, but here I am. I have plenty of resources (although I need more book resources), and I have my plan, but wow I kinda hate writing. You may have been able to tell that from how much I neglect my blog. Anyway, other than those 4 things, I’ve had lots of other little homework things, and then on Friday, we had our Province Officer visit for SAI. That was a little stressful because I wasn’t 100% prepared like I should have been, but I think it went fine overall.

I don’t know what I can do to make me remember to write blog posts every week. I put it in my planner, and I still don’t do it because I’m just so busy sometimes. Hopefully something will magically click someday…. Probably not though. Oh well!

Fearlessly,

Allison Brooke

  Why Can’t I Remember I Have This Blog? Yeah, so as you may have read from yesterday/last month's post (seriously, why did it delete, I'm not happy about that), I haven't written in a long time.