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depressedbagpipe · 1 year

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"Blackbird to Robin, do you copy?" (Billy Russo x ofc)

Chapter two

Words: 4223 Warnings: smoking, reader being poor, mentions of alcohol, minor foul-language. A/N: i owe u guys an apology. my adhd has been acting up and my new hyperfixation (aka f1 drivers) didn't help. I've been rewriting this chapter for weeks because i never liked how it looked when finished and I'm still not sure i like it now, but it's certainly better than it was before. thank u guys so much for waiting <3 also i have zero idea about how the ivy league works so just pretend dana is getting her master's degree Taglist: @badasseddy, @noortsshift, @britishbassett

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Chapter two

The glaring red numbers of my nightstand clock showed it was only two in the morning, yet no matter how many times I had tossed and turned in bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. My eyes had been closed ever since I got under the duvet, wrapped in extra blankets hoping the soft material would lull me into a much-needed rest to escape the nightmarish evening. But my mind was still reeling even after more than an hour of simply laying there. Every interaction, every conversation, every gesture, absolutely everything I had ever done was coming in quick flashes in my head, making it impossible to sleep. So I gave up.

None of it felt real. Only twenty-four hours ago I was stressing about making enough tips to pay for the week’s rent and remembering the many due dates for the upcoming semester’s assignments. Now, I had an ex-marine turned bodyguard sleeping in the other room while someone out there had threatened to kill me.

My head spun slightly when I got up, throwing the warm covers off my body and stretching a bit once I was back on my feet. I looked around the dark room, where the only light came from the big window. The city was alive outside, yet only a few sounds slipped through the cracks in the walls.

Grabbing the sweater I had draped over a chair, I walked to the window and opened it, relishing in the cold air that blew on my face as I stepped onto the fire escape. I sat on the iron stairs that stood on the left side, carefully tugging the fabric closer to my body with shaky hands. I stared out at the street that extended before me, once again becoming a mere observer of the world around me. Despite the street not being a particularly busy one, many people walked below me, some of them with heavy suitcases, walking fast, and others with hidden alcohol bottles in their hands, walking slowly. My fingers grazed the corner of the cigarette packet that had been left forgotten in my sweater’s pocket. The sudden urge overpowered my brain, and before I could stop myself, my hands were automatically lighting one up and bringing it closer to my lips. My lungs welcomed the dark smoke like an old friend, making me close my eyes while the haziness that clouded my mind slowly dissipated.

‘You shouldn’t smoke,’ a voice spoke on my right.

I jumped at the suddenness, almost dropping the cigarette in surprise. Opening my eyes, I found Billy, casually leaning on the wall at the far end of the fire escape, with the window leading to the living room wide open.

I sent him a look.

‘It’s bad for your health,’ he nodded at the packet in my hand.

‘I’m not a smoker,’ I responded, a mixed cloud of vapor and smoke escaping through my lips.

‘That’s what every smoker says.’

He was still wearing his suit, with his jacket long abandoned. He had one leg crossed over the other and his back resting on the old bricks. His tied moved with the wind, and so did a few strays of hair. He wasn’t looking at me; his eyes faced forwards, examining the opposite building, and the many lives that inhabited it through the lit windows.

‘It’s more of a social convenience,’ I responded before taking another drag.

The cigarette dangled between my fingers, following his eyes. The familiar weight still felt foreign in my hand.

‘Yet you’re alone now.’

‘Care to join me, then?’ I pulled another from the packet, offering it to him.

Billy turned to me with tired eyes. His pupils blended with the irises in the night. With a few steps towards me, he swiftly grabbed it in his fingers. I grabbed the lighter again, igniting it as I continued it. ‘Just needed another one. It’s been a long day.’

Billy got closer, lowering his head, the cigarette firm between his lips, to light it up. The close proximity made me shiver. Whether it was from the cold or not, I couldn’t tell.

‘Tell me about it,’ he raised his eyebrows before he took a long drag. He took a couple of steps back and closed his eyes in relief. The light clench of his jaw seemed to disappear almost immediately.

My lips curved at the sight. ‘I thought smoking was bad for your health,’ I teased, watching rather marveled how he effortlessly carried on.

He shook his head with a light smirk. ‘Social convenience,’ he said, looking at me for a split second before returning his gaze to the other building.

We stood there for a while in complete silence. The ashes pooled at our feet before finally slipping through the gaps in the iron and falling to their oblivion. We were the only ones on the fire escape, most of my neighbors being of old age already in bed hours ago. Billy kept his distance but remained closer to me after grabbing the cigarette. I didn’t know who he was doing it for, but the quick glances I took at his figure almost made me wish he were standing closer. There was no denying he was extremely attractive, but the circumstances were impossible to ignore. Even if no threat had ever come my way, Billy still represented everything I was trying to fight against.

‘I’m sorry,’ I suddenly spoke.

Those words have been mulling in my brain for some while, but until that moment, I had been too afraid to say anything. Whatever peace we had found between us wasn’t strong enough, and yet I had broken it without much thought.

‘Hm?’ he answered. I knew he had been somewhere else just by the way his posture became rigid again. He moved his head slightly, just enough to know he had heard me, but it wasn’t until I repeated the words that he looked back at me. ‘What for?’

‘I know I’m not the most…’ I paused. ‘Cooperative person. And you’re just trying to do your job,’ I looked down at my fingers. My cigarette was almost gone, just the filter left like a tiny speck of dust in my hand. ‘I don’t mean to be hostile, I just…’ I rubbed my eyes, anything to distract me from his intoxicating eyes. ‘I’m not used to having people care about me. Paid or not,’ I added in a low voice.

Billy didn’t answer for a few seconds. Some cops were patrolling underneath us, threatening a group of young boys to go back to their homes. New York was never a silent place, yet for some reason, Billy’s silence was louder.

‘I’m sorry, too,’ he finally replied.

I dared to look at him. This time our roles had been reversed; he was the one looking down now. The tip of his expensive show was pressing down the residue of his cigarette. ‘Sometimes I forget that my life isn’t the norm for everyone. Ambushing you at your university, and the interrogation…’ he trailed off.

I physically winced at the memory. ‘Not the best approach,’ I attempted to joke, copying his movements and putting my cigarette out too.

‘There’s never a good approach. Sometimes you gotta numb yourself to carry on. Otherwise, it’s too much.’

He turned fully to me. The wind had picked up, and his hair little resembled his prior combed perfection. Now, it seemed alive. Human.

‘I swear I didn’t know about your mom. Or your whole life, for that matter,’ he spoke. He regarded me with such intensity that I had to will myself to not look away. He was clearly sending a message, and he was intending for me to receive it.

‘I know. You’re just doing your job. It’s alright,’ was my response. Gone was the peace of the cold night. I wanted to hide in my room again, away from this conversation, and away from him.

I hid my trembling hands in my pockets.

He shook his head. ‘It’s not in my nature to be gentle.’

My breath got stuck in my throat. ‘I’d expect that from Frank, to be honest. But not from you,’ I tried to keep the conversation light. Anything to escape the depth his eyes withheld. ‘I think I’m gonna get some sleep now,’ I whispered.

My silent way out.

He nodded. ‘You feeling better now?’ he took a couple of steps back, allowing me to stand up and walk down the few stairs to his level.

‘Yeah. Thank you, for the social convenience,’ I shrugged.

Maybe, just by being nonchalant, he wouldn’t know what really went through my mind. But then again, even I didn’t know what was going through my mind.

‘Anytime,’ he nodded.

He offered his hand for me to climb through my window. I looked at it for a split second before taking it, the warmth of his hand encompassing my naturally cold one as I grabbed the window sill, ducking under the arch. I thanked him quietly once I was safely inside, turning around to shrug my sweater off and back to its place on the chair. I felt his eyes on my back, following my every move around my room, but I dared not look back at him. I pulled the heavy curtains, suddenly feeling self-conscious. I was once again alone in the dark, with just my thoughts to keep my company. Before they got too much, I got back into my duvet. This time, it didn’t take me long to finally fall asleep.

···

‘Really, you don’t have to do this, Billy,’ I shook my head as he swiped his card at the register. ‘I may be broke, but I can still pay for my own coffee.’

He sent the young barista a dazzling smile, placing one hand on the small of my back and grabbing our takeout in the other. He guided me to the side of the bar to wait for our orders to be ready.

‘This is a tip for you: don’t pay for the things you can get for free,’ he winked at me just before the barista called his name, handing him two steaming to-go cups with the flirtiest grin I had ever seen.

I didn’t fail to notice the small paper she slipped through his fingers.

‘Is that how you got your fortune?’ I raised my eyebrows at him while I led him outside, opening the door for him. I couldn’t tell if I was asking about the flirting or the paying.

I also saw Billy discreetly discard the paper as he stepped out of the café.

‘Smiling also works,’ he answered, nodding once more to his driver, who had been waiting for us by the entrance of the shop.

The man in black opened the door for us with a graceful movement, closing it after Billy stepped in, and walked to the front and the driver’s seat.

‘Take us to my apartment, Jonathan,’ Billy called from the seat next to mine, sitting comfortably on the back and not even bothering to buckle up.

I shook my head at him, seeing how he grabbed his phone and leaned back on his seat with legs far too long, yet managing to cross one over the other, occupying even more space. Meanwhile, I didn’t move from my place, not even daring to look up front, trying to give Jonathan some privacy, making sure not to spill my breakfast over the expensive leather.

I couldn’t help but look out the tainted window, the skyscrapers zooming by as Billy’s chauffeur took us to our next destination. Despite being only 7 am, the people seemed to have been awake forever. I took careful sips of my coffee, the semi-sweet scent having nothing to do with the low-quality one I served at my job. The morning was cold and cloudy, with fog covering the tallest buildings. Days like those made the city look like a snowball, a world within itself. Those were the days I looked forward to the most.

As expected, Billy’s ‘apartment’ turned out to be the entire penthouse on one of the most luxurious apartment complexes in town. Even the doorman came out to greet him, pressing the elevator for him as he complimented his newest economic investments. His words were practiced and rehearsed; did Billy know, and he probably did, but he didn’t dwell on it. He merely nodded and thanked him politely, smiled when he had to, and asked the right questions.

The doorman kept talking even as the elevator doors closed, leaving him behind. Billy sighed deeply, but kept his eyes forwards, staring at his own reflection on the glass panel. I did the same, suddenly feeling nervous.

I had put my whole life in his hands. I had been the prey since the day I was born, but I could now be standing next to the hunter. And he was luring me straight to his house.

The elevator opened to the foyer of his residence, the while pearls dangling from a chandelier casting thousands of delicate lights over our faces.

‘Welcome to Chez Russo,’ Billy extended his arm for me to walk first.

I stepped out of the elevator without saying anything. I couldn’t. I was too busy staring down at my reflection on the polished marble floors. Just the receiving area was already fancier than anything I had ever seen before. My neck even cramped from looking upwards, staring at the skillful details of the chandelier. Underneath the fixture was a polished wooden table with a vase of radiant fresh flowers. I walked around it, noticing the golden-framed mirror on the side, adding more depth to the circular room. With self-pity, I noticed that the foyer was already bigger than my living room, and the high ceiling with the skylight on top was just another reminder of our many differences.

I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, noticing the wonder in my eyes and the many fuzzballs on my old scarf, compared to the slicked-back polished look Billy had when he walked over the other side, despite his clothes being a day old.

He now walked a few steps in front of me, and I forced myself to tread through the white columns into an even more impressive living area. But I could barely focus on all the modern furniture around me, for my attention was immediately drawn to the floor-to-ceiling window that extended all over the outer wall.

‘Alright, feel free to look around, I’m gonna hop in the shower and get ready,’ Billy interrupted my thoughts. ‘We still have an hour for your class and I won’t be long. There’s drinks and food in the kitchen if you’d like anything. Remote’s on the coffee table over there, grab any book you want, and get comfortable,’ he added before disappearing through a hidden hall.

He didn’t give me any time to respond. The echo of his steps moving away against the silent walls gave me chills as I looked around at the large space I found myself in. The high walls seemed to go on forever, and the slick design of the penthouse only accentuated the luxurious style that complimented Billy’s personality.

But it was the view that caught my breath. I knew the window showed Central Park, yet the fog made it almost impossible to see anything below. It made the apartment suspended over the clouds, and the height allowed actual sunrays to flood the room. I stood there, not daring to move. I thoroughly disliked heights and just standing that close made my head spin. It almost looked like there wasn’t a glass between me and the clouds.

I knew I stood out in the middle of such extravagance. I didn’t belong there.

I don’t know how long I remained there, but Billy was already gently tapping my shoulder to catch my attention.

‘Dana, you alright?’ I turned around to find his dark eyes on me, slightly furrowed at the creases. ‘I called you several times, is something wrong?’

I shook my head. ‘Yeah, yeah. I just… was admiring the view,’ I answered, gesturing behind me.

‘To be honest, that’s why I bought the place,’ he stood next to me, also looking at the view. ‘It’s the best thing about it.’

I whistled, for a split second thinking how much the penthouse would’ve cost him. ‘I can’t imagine what it’d be like to wake up every day to this,’ I said.

Billy nodded. ‘You get used to it.’

‘I don’t think I ever could. I’d stay here every day for hours.’

‘Sometimes, I wish I had more time to observe, too,’ Billy’s tone was wistful, but he quickly regained his composure. ‘C’mon, you’ll be late for class,’ he said.

Only when he started walking I noticed his appearance. His hair was back in place, smelling of fresh shampoo and new cologne. I knew his suit was different, as was his tie, and shows, but I saw no difference.

‘Are you wearing the same clothes?’ I asked as I followed after him, stopping at the elevator back at his entrance.

He scoffed. ‘This is clearly a different suit,’ he took his black sunglasses in his hands, staring at me in disbelief.

We both knew our conversation wasn’t serious, but for some reason, I didn’t want it to stop.

‘Then, are all your suits black?’

‘No? I have more colors in my closet, Dana.’

‘Yet you’re wearing black again,’ I noted. I smiled at him as we stepped into the elevator, pressing my back against the wall as I looked at him, dropping his shoulders in annoyance.

‘They’re not. This one’s ebony; yesterday’s onyx.’

His tone was casual, experienced. If it wasn’t for his eyes, I would’ve thought he was mocking me. But then, maybe he was.

‘Right,’ I rolled my eyes, the corner of my lips lifting ever so lightly.

The elevator opened to the lobby, but Billy quickly guided me to the other side, where another elevator stood forgotten on the opposite end of the building.

‘I thought we were going to my class,’ I asked, confused.

The doorman looked at us curiously, pretending to read a magazine behind his large desk.

‘We are,’ Billy answered after pressing the button.

I shook my head. ‘I love it when you’re so talkative,’ I pressed him, sighing deeply when I didn’t get an answer.

‘I’m driving you,’ Billy said at last.

‘What about Jonathan?’

‘What about him?’

‘He’s your driver, Billy.’

‘I know how to drive, Dana.’

The conversation was cut short as soon as the elevator came and took us down to the garage, where many expensive cars stood waiting to be used.

My mouth dropped as we walked amongst them, their shiny and polished hoods almost mocking me. Ferrari, Lamborghini, Alpine, McLaren… all big names that had me drooling as I stared at my guilty pleasure. Whatever ounce of self-respect and class consciousness was lost immediately, my own ideals being thrown out the window as I pictured myself driving one of them, despite what my life and career were aiming to.

Billy whisked his key set from his pocket, pressing down on it quickly. At the end of the large garage, a black Rolls Royce unlocked before us. I stopped dead in my tracks as I stared at the model, too flabbergasted to notice Billy opening the passenger’s door for me.

‘You coming? We have fifteen minutes,’ he had a little twinkle in his eye as he looked at me.

He was enjoying this.

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,’ I shook myself out of my daze, walking to him.

I moved carefully as I stepped inside, the soft leather feeling rich under my old jeans.

Billy closed the door for me, walking around the car to sit in the driver’s seat. He got inside with practiced ease, and less than a minute later, we were speeding down the busy streets of Manhattan, the smooth wheels making us float over the road.

The caramel skin of the cabin contrasted with the cracked screen of my old phone, but thankfully, I didn’t have time to feel bad about myself, for the big classic Roman façade of Columbia University came into view rather quickly.

As soon as the car came to a halt in one of the many parking spots for the students, I unbuckled my belt and opened the door, not even waiting for Billy to say anything else.

‘C’mon,’ I called him, trying to make him keep up. ‘I can’t be late.’

‘You didn’t seem to care earlier at the garage,’ he walked beside me with a few long strides, adjusting his sunglasses over his nose.

‘I mean, who wouldn’t prefer a Rolls Royce over a college lecture,’ I rolled my eyes as I walked up the stairs to the grand building that stood tall and proud before us.

Many of the walking students stopped to stare at us. Or rather, at Billy. He walked with such poised grace that it was almost impossible to believe he used to be a soldier. The thought alone sent shivers down my spine, but then again, my biological father probably had a high body count too.

Some students whispered under their breath, pointing at the man by my side, with eyebrows raised in recognition. Heat rose to my cheeks, the sudden attention making me uncomfortable.

Once we reached the door to the main hall, I turned to face Billy with a serious face.

‘Alright, this is already embarrassing so please, don’t make it worse. Don’t talk, don’t stare, don’t even breathe if you can help it. Copy?’ I asked him.

His eyes widened in surprise at my sudden outburst. He raised his hands in defense.

‘Copy.’

With a sigh and one last look, I opened the door.

···

‘Dana!’ a familiar voice called after me. ‘Where the hell have you been, loca?’

I audibly laughed at Owen, who then proceeded to throw his arms around me and spin me around, Jacob Black style.

‘How original,’ I joked, smiling widely at the only friend I had at college.

‘You know you love it,’ he winked, his eyes darkening as they fell on Billy.

His posture seemed to straighten when he gave him a look over.

‘Oh, uh, Owen, this is Billy,’ I introduced them, though both men simply nodded at each other.

They held each other’s gaze almost challengingly.

‘It’s a pleasure, Owen,’ Billy nodded as he looked down at the slightly shorter man.

‘Likewise,’ Owen answered, and focused his blue eyes back on me. ‘Where were you yesterday? I thought you said you’d be at the library all evening,’ he furrowed his eyebrows.

I widened my eyes. ‘Yeah, uh… something came up,’ I said, feeling Billy’s eyes carving a hole in the back of my head.

‘What about today?’

‘I can’t, I got a late shift at the café,’ I answered.

‘Right… then I can run down for a while,’ Owen offered.

I nodded. ‘Yeah, totally! I’ll let Harper know you’re coming by!’

‘Dana,’ Billy interrupted. His tone was dryer and lower than it had been all day. A silent warning.

‘Right, uh, we gotta go now, we’ll catch up later?’ I asked Owen.

‘Sure, see ya!’

I couldn’t properly say goodbye, for Billy was already grabbing me by my arm and walking me to the main entrance of the building.

He let go of my arm as soon as we stepped outside, yet he walked a couple of feet in front of me as he led me back to his car. Only once we were back inside, out of prying eyes and ears, he spoke.

‘Who’s that?’

I frowned. ‘Owen.’

‘I can see that. Where do you know him from?’

I shrugged. ‘We have a few classes together.’

‘Since when?’

‘He transferred mid-term from Yale. Had a change of heart, apparently.’

‘What’s that about coming by later?’

‘We’re doing some research together for a class. We were gonna meet up yesterday, but yeah… You know what happened.’

‘I don’t trust him.’

His tone matched his earlier warning. His eyes were focused on the road, but maintained a firm grip on the steering wheel. It almost felt like I wasn’t there.

‘Well, that sucks for you,’ I pulled my phone out, desperate to do something with my hands. ‘I’m not failing a class just because you don’t like someone. I mean I wouldn’t have graduated otherwise.’

‘He’s not on my file.’

I froze on the spot. ‘Billy,’ I warned him, but I was too stunned.

‘Dana.’

‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t tell me you have a file for every single passerby that looks my way.’

‘That’s precisely what I’m here for.’

The drive seemed longer now.

‘That’s gotta be exhausting,’ I didn’t know what else to answer.

‘Well, at least I’m getting paid.’

I saw his eyes widen in shock at his statement, shaking his head immediately at me as he apologized. But the harm was already done.

‘Don’t mention it. It’s true.’

I looked outside my window. Anything to not look at him.

‘I didn’t mean…’ but I cut him.

‘It’s fine.’

‘It’s not.’

‘Just drop it, Billy…’ my voice was shaky. But I refused to let any tears fall. ‘Please, just take me home.’

Next chapter

#billy russo x reader #billy russo #billy russo fanfic #billy russo x female reader #billy russo x y/n #billy russo x oc #the punisher #billy russo imagine #marvel #the punisher au #frank castle #billy russo could step on my back and i'd say thank you

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tythehedgehogheadcanons · 2 years

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I think it's finally time I do my general Sonic headcanons! I've been on a huge Sonic, Knuckles, and Shadow brainrot JADJAN

You can find my Shadow headcanons on my blog!

We all know Sonic, the lovable cocky hedgehog! He always seems to find himself in another scenario where he has to stop Robotnik's plans and help his friends

Sonic is one hell of an extrovert, bringing his happy-go-lucky personality everywhere he goes. He can get cocky and annoying at times, but I believe he is rather humble. He can brag, but he never strokes his own ego very much! ("Team Sonic" should still be named "Team Hero" smh)

Sonic always finds a way to bring his friend's spirits up, even if it means bailing on something else. If a friend is sad, he'll stay and cheer them up instead of going to an event! Everyone's happiness, including his own, is priority #1 for Sonic.

Sonic does get a little embarrassed by his friends in public though, he wants to keep his confident image, not look soft! However, this 'cool guy' facade completely drops the moment his friends look sad, angry, uncomfortable, etc.

Sonic loves going on runs through nature! He works so hard to protect every part of nature, he loves traveling to national parks and finding secret groves.

ALL About adventure! Boredom is never something on his schedule, if he's bored then the world is ending I swear, if you want to force him to sit down for a while he will become the most annoying little shit

Sonic most definitely has a twitch account and streams inconsistently. It's something there for him to do when he's bored and wants to play games.

Sonic actually hates being alone for long periods of time! That's another reason why he streams, is when he's lonely and wants to interact with someone.

Sonic is actually a rather patient hedgehog! He's willing to slow down for the people he cares about, he never wants anyone to feel unsafe around him.

Sonic, when you can actually get him to wear clothes, prefers 90s style, bright colors, hoodies, holographic clothes, and generally clothes that look great and colorful on him.

Sonic's music choice is rock, high-energy music, and generally anything that sounds good. He's willing to try out new things, and can enjoy a variety of things!

Sonic makes sure to greet everyone he meets when walking around. It doesn't matter what they look like, who they are, or what they're doing, he will make sure to say hi while running by!

As I said earlier, a HUGE extrovert. When you're with him, you WILL interact with random people, he doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut!

His mouth works faster than his brain, and he will say almost everything on his mind. He is forward and honest with everyone unless it's something he would prefer to keep to himself!

Sonic is very active on social media, and loves interacting with fans. He will respond to almost everything he gets, will always stop to take selfies with anyone who asks, and is the least controversial celebrity you will ever meet!

I think Sonic would enjoy receiving flowers and gifts, he would display them all around his house! He doesn't throw away a single one- unless it's something gross, like a small child tried to give him a half-eaten lollipop- he would still take it to avoid hurting their feelings but would throw it away and wash his hands later.

Two words. Self. Care. Sonic takes care of himself and makes sure to treat himself, and definitely makes sure all his friends do the same! He makes sure everyone eats at least 3 meals a day, drinks at least 1 glass of water, and takes showers at least twice a week. Self care is very important for everyone!

I may have missed a few things, but I really like Sonic as a whole! I'm an autistic person with ADHD and often forget to take care of myself due to hyperfixating on drawing all day. Thinking of Sonic actually gets me thinking of taking breaks to eat and drink, he's like a comfort character!

#sonic headcanons #sonic #sonic the hedgehog #sonic the hedgehog headcanons #sonic x reader #gn reader #headcanons

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sovvannight · 4 months

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My Year in Writing, 2023

And this is another situation where I wish I could pull up last year's post to use as a pattern, but I can't because my writing blog got deleted, so I'm feeling a little lost.

But I can at least see the graphs I made last year in my writing progress tracking spreadsheet, so that give me a bit of a hint as to what I would normally post here.

I wrote 183,465 words on 2023. It's my third year in a row of increases (thank you, Julie and the Phantoms!) and my first year over 150k, which was my goal for the year. I'm at 856,124 words since 2017.

I'm also super excited about winning NaNo for the first time since 2017. November was my most productive month, followed by February, when I spent most of the month working on Baby, This Rain Changes Everything, which I guess I was just excited about because I had a lot of 1k+ days.

Part of the 44k increase from 2022-2023 was due to NaNo, but I also increased my average daily word count for non-NaNo months from 291.8 to 387.5. And I do write every day--December 31 was day 2,395 of my write-ever-day streak.

What I Wrote

Other than 2% of my words for the year for Garfield, a Teen Wolf Movie fix-it fic, everything else was for Julie and the Phantoms: 81% on various scenes for Electric Boogaloo, 12% for Baby, This Rain Changes Everything, and 5% on two different AU fics that I may convert to original fiction instead.

Plans for 2024

So, the saying goes something like, "Write a million words, throw them away, now you're ready to be a writer." I didn't realize it until I was writing this up, but I'm going to hit a million words next year.

And I have to admit, in the last few months, I've started to think about writing and publishing original fiction. And that's partly because the JatP fandom is dying--I'd think the drop in kudos was because I suck, but I've seen declining kudos for new fic by big name fans, too, so it's not just me. No judgement on the fandom, it's just the nature of things. I've left a couple of fandoms myself because of a new hyperfixation. But at the same time, I had this AU idea in the spring, and thought to myself, are you really going to write a whole novel-length fic for 20 kudos?

I think I'd rather earn a couple hundred bucks instead, which seems like about what I would net if I self-pub. And I'm poor, so any little bit helps. Plus, I don't know, I just feel ready. It's partly because I read some pretty bad books this year, and it's like, OK, this got published, and in one case it got optioned and made into a TV show, and I feel like I can do better.

So, my plan for 2024 is:

Write the last ~9 scenes for Electric Boogaloo.

Write season 3, AKA the Electric Boogaloo sequel. Boogaloo is probably going to reach somewhere around 300k total, but I'm aiming for something more like 150k-200k for the sequel.

Finish the two Arrow fics I still can't give up on, even though I haven't worked on them in years. One just needs another 2k, and the other maybe 15k.

Transition to original fiction, taking the idea I had for a JatP boy band AU and "filing off the serial numbers" as I go. (Or something else--who knows what I'll be most interested next fall!)

In terms of word count goals:

I want to hit 50,000 for NaNo in November. For April and July Camp NaNos, I want to write 1,000 a day, so 30k and 31k.

I want to take it somewhat easy in the three months after NaNo events, so May, August, and December - 600/day, or 18,600 words/month.

For the other six months out of the year, I'm going to try doing "NaNoWriWeek" or 1,667 words/day for the first week of the month and then 600/day for the rest of the month, which will get me around 25k per month.

All of this totals up to about 300,000 words.

#my writing

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frecklystars · 1 year

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you have no idea how happy i am to see you back. I've been checking your blog every few weeks for the past few months to see if you've been back and I'm so glad you are. And Im so happy you were able to get your own place. I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible nine months. i hope you heal and feel better soon and feel starscreams love for you again. I'm so tf has been such a big trigger. i remember when the confirmed Steve for Earthspark i was so happy thinking" Keri's going to love this."

i hope you reclaim it soon so you can enjoy your pretty boy again

Every few weeks!! that is some dedication, my friend. Thank you for caring about me so much. It warms my heart that you consider me someone worth checking up on.

And yeah I'm so glad we're in a better living situation!! It's not rly "my" own place since I'm still living w/ my dad (I make... such little money. there is no way I could afford rent in this economy lmao) but yeah it's nice to live in a place that doesn't have any mold or termites. I had to throw away a lot of my sketchbooks when we moved bc the place we were temporarily living in from August to February had zero air ventilation, windows bolted shut, no A/C, there was mold growing in my books and making the pages stick together, there was mold on the walls and under our beds, there was mold all over my clothes, I had to throw away some of my favorite shirts :( we had to cover the floors with dozens of blankets and towels too because our dog stepping on the floor was making her extremely sick (she's okay now though!!) The new place we're in is such a small little condo, but my mental health definitely improved a little bit when I could walk into a clean place and not smell any mold or raw sewage coming out of the sinks :')

Thank you, I hope I can reclaim the characters too. I really miss Starscream. I always miss Starscream, always yearn for him, but now it's different... now it feels hollow and sad when I miss him, because I don't think he misses me back. I don't have that "connection" feeling anymore when I self ship, it's like.... very numb, very empty. I genuinely used to get teary-eyed when listening to my playlist I made for him bc I felt so loved and so comforted. I felt like nothing could ever destroy that feeling. It felt like a truly unconditional devotion on both sides for three years, every day, just pure joy and love with him, and many other characters as well. Losing that so violently due to trauma and betrayal from someone I trusted during a very vulnerable time in my life, um, definitely did some damage. Nobody has ever messed me up like this. I can't believe how much of myself was stolen from me in such a short amount of time. I've never lost my F/Os and a years-long hyperfixation all at once. Depression, anxiety, grief, ptsd, all of it has been rly heavy on me lately just in general, and I always had self shipping to help me get thru my worst times but I haven't had that outlet in so long, now it makes things feel a thousand times heavier. It's so lonely.

I remember when Starscream was announced to be voiced by Steve Blum back in November, and I dropped to my knees onto the floor and just sobbed. Afterward my chest was aching so bad I couldn't even stand, I just laid there on the ground for maybe ten minutes or so. I was dreading seeing him bc I was starting to get scared of him by that point. The ptsd symptoms were starting up and I didn't even know it yet. I could feel him slipping away from me and it was scaring me. I fully believe with my whole heart that I'm unworthy of love and kindness, whether it's from characters or from IRL friendships. That's such an intense flip, going from "I am so loved when I see these characters" to suddenly "when I see these characters, I'm panicking as if I'm about to die". It got to a point where I promised myself I would never make new friends ever again. For 4 months straight when things were at its worst with my ex-friend, I was on such high alert, I assumed everyone in my life was going to turn around and stab me in the back and I needed to be ready for it. I assumed that with F/Os as well, no matter who they are or how good and pure they might be, I kept thinking that me self shipping is just a way of fooling myself into believing I could possibly be worthy of a healthy relationship. I kept thinking "why is this happening to me, what do I need to do to deserve kindness from this person, what do I need to change about myself, what am I doing wrong, why is my best friend hurting me so much, why do I have the right to feel upset about this when clearly she says it's my fault for thinking this is a big deal." I'm at a point where I'm definitely not shutting myself off from making friends again, but damn, that was such a lonely feeling too. Being convinced that everyone is out to get me, that was horrifying.

I'm not... myself. anymore. but. maybe one day I will be. especially when there's so many supportive messages coming my way right now, I feel a bit less alone than before. I definitely came back and wrote that pinned post with the mindset that nobody was going to believe me, that nobody would give me any support, that all of my friends/mutuals were going to try to hurt me the same way that my ex-friend did. But I got the exact opposite treatment. Everyone's kindness is such a huge stepping stone to my recovery and it's like all of you are helping to pull me out of this deep dark pit I've been stuck in for 3/4 of a year. I think it's helped me realize that I'm not really alone in this, there's some people who have my back. Nobody else betrayed me, nobody tried to convince me my F/Os would abuse me. So maybe one day I can believe again that my F/Os would give me that same kindness too.

#also i like the way u phrased it. my 'pretty boy' hehe #he is my pretty boy 🥰 the prettiest most handsome beloved darling #starling darling. ahhh. one day!!! gonna rewatch ES one day and feel GOOD FEELINGS #one day im going to look at my starlight and feel that unconditional love and devotion again #anonymous #asks #keepsake

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tera-91 · 7 months

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Going through a bit of a change.

Anxiety, depression. They suck.

I am in the process of addressing those as well as finding myself again, if I ever found myself to begin with. Trying to find out what I want. How to get there while trying not to burn myself out.

Right now the only respite has been videos.

I think it's working, if only a little.

I'm hoping things will be better soon, just need to be patient. Which I am soo not good at. 😅 3, 4, or maybe slightly more weeks is what I feel like I need. I have been working on this the last couple of months so 1 or 2 more isn't too much to reach for even though I'm ready to just throw a figurative stick of dynamite at it to wipe the slate clean to speed it up.

I know I have written quite a bit sanders sides and tmnt on here. No concern, I'm sure I will still pursue those topics. I have one SS in my drafts and with Halloween around the corner I really want to revisit my Monsters series.

HOWEVER, I would like to inform of a new hyperfixation as of late. Whether you do or don't like the series or have an opinion on the creator (I think just about every series has some people who dislike it and will find a reason to say negative things. I'm more of in the middle, I just like series for what they are as information overload looking into those things sends my anxiety through the roof, I just want something to escape into.). I am obsessed with Helluva Boss. Specifically season 2 episode 6. I adore Fizzarolli. So hyperfixation started in my brain and I have a few story ideas I want to let flow.

Also, as soon as I can I will be posting/re-posting my stories additionally on AO3. Which I will have the link in my bio when I'm able.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Happy spooky season 🧡🎃

#tera-91 #writing #sanders sides #tmnt #helluva boss #update

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ivyandink · 3 years

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Hi new followers 👋

Going to take this moment to flex my new ✨about ✨ page, if any of u want to creep and/or see a cute photo of my cats who are also brothers

#im a pretty simple gal #just like historical shit #writing #planning my wedding (!!!!!!)#and drinking lattes #and throwing myself into a new hyperfixation every few weeks :~)

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formulinos · 2 years

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a few life updates and other stuff

hi besties i hope some of you are well!

i've been thinking lately and i thought it would be nice to talk a bit around here since i've been sporadically coming and going out of this blog for the past few weeks. first of all, i would like to tell you how life has been personally since last year:

- i left my home country and moved to [redacted] to continue my studies - got super anxious, took me a while to deal with those feelings and didn't have a stellar debut grade wise - did make a lot of friends, had some amazing experiences, started living on my own (did you guys know that taking care of your own house is so, SO GOOD?) - got a job at [redacted], feel impostor syndrome everyday over it even though i only start in april - no bitches :/

as you can see, sometimes maybe good sometimes maybe shit but so is life! taking the time to adapt has been time consuming especially because, overall, i've taken my time with university at home and avoided full time studying not only because i wanted to work and research but also because i don't function really well taking full 30 credits a semester. in here, they ONLY take full semesters so i wake up super early and get home super late, have to cook and clean and shower and STILL study a bit because of the harsh amount of tasks we are given. this means i don't have the time to follow my hobbies during the week, and on weekends i have actually been trying to leave my comfort zone and not stay isolated at home working dae computers. last week i tried to learn how to ride a bicycle and my legs still have the bruises.

this all comes to say that i miss A LOT the work i've done here during my primadonna rise and before my primadonna fall. i have another blog i kept my work in, because my original plan was to fully delete this one, but i forgot the password and the email i used for it, so i still keep tabs here because i like to check the stuff i did every once in a while since i don't have a lot of time to do new stuff instead. i'm actually moved, truly, because i never get a note-free day. someone is always showing love either to the edits i did, even some of the more obscure ones, or the things i wrote. not only that, but with proper tag commenting, calling up their friends to check it out, etc. this makes me truly proud to know not only that i'm the absolute best at being talented in every single task i set myself to do, but also that it pays off not to be scared and throw yourself out there because people will always be able to give you feedback with the same love you applied in making something. and since it's been so frustrating not being able to keep working on all of this, it means the world to me to see formulinos live on. thank you so much for your support.

that being said, in my farewell letter i say i wasn't a nico rosberg type pre-retirement, but i absolutely am a post-retirement nico. my goal is to be confusing and annoying. i want to sound like i'm right but also i know i'm wrong but it's avant garde and post ironic, and also i want to be my own gender - i actually managed to do this last part as the woman in the bakery shop still doesn't know if i am a ma'am or a sir. anyway, i'm going to keep popping up sporadically but i fully have decided to keep myself away because i was advised by my right hand maisie (@jedivszombie) not to. she is an amazing person and so i trust her to know what's best for me. that being said (2), i will come back for another hyperfixation corner insanity i've been working on since last year on and off. half of it is written and it's all mapped out, i think it will be very much worth it to keep working on it because i have learned so much. i hope you guys enjoy it too! i don't know when i will be done but Soon...

if any of you are confused by this or want to reminisce the good ole days, remember all the nice pics and gifs i have edited here! i think it's mainly seb and/or ferrari, which works. if you are more of a reading person, i can give you my hyperfixation corners!

the 2005 united states grand prix rush 2: senna x prost jean-marie balestre lewis ♡ nicole 5eva robert kubica: the prince that was promised a special: understanding and ranking the landogates the 1982 formula one world championship a special: oops!… they did it again - the friendship of jenson button and nico rosberg (this one is in dire need of an update since last year's FP3 extravaganza and The Podcast) the 1993 SEGA european grand prix a special: donkey does hyperfixation corner

at last, since we are in race week, remember that f1blr is as good as you make it. if you don't like it here, you are part of the problem. take a good hard look at the mirror and think about why you need a stage to enjoy a hobby. just kidding, it's not that serious. but don't be asses, have fun and be yourselves <3 see you around!

#hahahahah i did a long post and didnt do a cut HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

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redroomfcrged · 2 years

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Hi to all the new followers! Just a quick heads up - links to my rules, psas and what not can be found in my pinned post under the read more. Also found in the pinned post above the read more is my very extensive list of marvel / mcu SUB blogs - they are all sub blogs of Nat’s! You are free to follow as many or few as you like, of course! Some of them will have darker and more potentially triggering plots and headcanons and such than others so please keep that in mind when following.

Important things to note; most of my people are MCU based. I have some comic knowledge but not a lot: primarily I’ve read up or read comics on Natasha, Logan, some of Clint/Ronin and some of Bucky. I do incorporate some comic stuff into the blogs as it suits, for example, Natasha is 100+ years old and was active throughout that time period in the Red Room, working with WS / Hydra and so on.

Also important to note that I am a mom, I homeschool my 14 yo, I’m in university myself and I have a LOT of physical health problems (it’s a really long list) and mental health issues that include hypersomnia, severe insomnia, ADHD, hyperfixation and similar rabbit holes that definitely, definitely affects my activity levels. I’ll be active on a blog, add a lot of characters, write and meta on them for ages and then all of a sudden I’m off to a different fandom for a while. I come back, but it might be months (admittedly sometimes years) if I poof multiple times before coming back to whatever blog/fandom. Your best bet is to just roll with me, write with me where I’m active and wait patiently for something to respark inspiration for whatever fandom I started writing with you in.

Even when I am active in a fandom it can be weeks between periods of time that I have energy and brain that meet at a crossroads at midnight to make a deal with the devil to allow me to write. When that miracle happens, I can churn out 200+ replies in a week like I did last week. This week, it’s been three days of zero activity. It happens. It will continue to happen. If that’s not your thing I absolutely understand so. With all that in mind. If you still want to follow / interact, I’m happy to have you here.

My name is Penny. I’m 40 years old. I live in Florida, USA (joy). I have five kids, three dogs, three puppies, three cats and two guinea pigs. If you have any questions you’re always free to throw stuff in my inbox or ims. Don’t be a dick. Don’t harass me or be rude and we’ll get along just fine.

I also run a resource blog @tuppencetrinkets and am on stage five of a MASSIVE sort of caps from marvel and mcu movies but also have millions of other caps and icons available. They are free for anyone to use though donations are deeply appreciated for time and fees I pay for services, apps and storage every month. If you don’t see a post for who you’re looking for feel free to ask. I haven’t linked everything I have in storage. Cause again. ADHD. I also do commissions for themes, banners, promos, whatever. My prices are always pay what you can.

Anyways ?? I think that’s it. So glad to meet all of you!

Penny

#PSA.#RULES.#BLOG GUIDE.

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saundraswriting · 3 years

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Missed Signals Chapter 1

SUMMARY: Reki might have a problem. He gets hyperfixated. He is too loud. He has a delayed sleep schedule. He forgets to eat and drink sometimes. He zones out a lot, and even more when he tries to pay attention. He fidgets with his hair and his clothes and his skin to the point of injury. His brain works, sometimes. Other times he has to fight it. He has learned to cope enough over the years but just like everything else, some days are better than others.

WARNINGS: Nothing too grand, descriptions of ADHD symptoms,

NOTES: I am trying to cope with what I am thinking is undiagnosed ADHD by projecting onto my favorite characters. I mean no harm and no offense.

Ao3 // Missed Signals Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Next Chapter

With the sound of the last bell, Reki and Langa tore off to the skate park. They had just finished mid terms. Both boys were lookin forward to the three day weekend. They both missed going to 'S' and the skate park and even Joe's place, trying to studying as much as possible. Langa was still terrible with his Japanese and Math even though he was getting better. Reki's English and Biology scores were dismal, but he seemed to be scoring consistently well on his other tests.

"Hey, Langa, Reki! Over here!" Joe called. "Long time no see." The four other skaters were standing near a bench in the skate park all seeming to wait for the two high schoolers.

"Joe! Cherry!" Reki's bright grin was visible to them from the entrance.

"Shadow! Miya!" Langa was a little more subdued in his greater but no less enthusiastic.

Both boys felt a weight shift off their shoulders at the presence of their friends. They were really finished with midterms, they had three days to hang out and skate with each other. Their week of hard work seemed to finally pay off.

"Hello there, boys. How did midterms go?" Cherry asked. He was dressed in his robes but had his hair up.

"I think we did okay. It helps that we struggle in different subjects. I am glad we decided to take the days to review things." Reki said.

"It was a smart idea to use past test to study off of, instead of just notes. Your notes are also so lacking but you do so well on the tests." Langa commented absently as he bent to retie his shoe.

"What do you mean?"' Joe asked Langa. They all watched as Langa fiddled with his shoelaces.

"Oh. Um. Reki often forgets his homework or his notes are very scattered. Rarely does he remember his homework and take good notes. But he scores high on his tests. I even overheard the teachers discussing that if he applied himself and did his homework and took better notes Reki easily could be a top student." At the second mention of his name, Reki stopped looking at his phone and came back to the conversation, glancing at Langa who was sighing at his shoe.

"Langa, your aglet is broken. You'll need new laces. but for now I think some tape will do." Reki said. Everyone looked at him confused. "What? The thing on the end of your laces is called an aglet. It is derived from old French meaning 'needle' or 'pin' designed for lacing shoes or bags easier. Originally they were for ornamental reasons." Reki rattled off unprompted into the silence. His face grew pink at the attention of the others.

"Reki, why do you know that?" Miya asked.

"I had a period of time where I customized shoes for people. I liked how different it was from doing a board. I could show off my art skills better and helped steady my hand a bit more." Reki shrugged, not seeing the big deal.

"You know the old French origins of a part of a shoe no one cares about but you can't be bothered to learn English?" Cherry demanded.

Reki shrugged again, rubbing the back of his neck, embarrassment evident. "I don't mean to not do it. I sit down and I get ready to do it but then my mind blanks. Sometimes I can force myself but then I am frustrated quickly and easily irritated. Sometimes I work on it at school but then my notes are shitty." Reki rubbed his forehead, voice hard. "Sometimes the lights are too bright. Sometimes my brain says no to English but yes to physics and even sometimes my brain says no to everything and I just sit there telling myself all the things I need to do but it is all too much and not enough." Reki's hands begin to shake, while Joe and Cherry share a look over his head.

"Skating is the only thin that helps. But when I skate I give up time that I could be studying or working on the homework. I don't mean to be bad at school, just sometimes I can't help it." Reki seemed to curl in on himself, drawing his shoulders up and ducking his head down. His voice grew small and weak.

"Reki we didn't mean to make you upset. We were just curious. You aren't the only person that has issues organizing their thoughts or staying focused. Has this been an issue for a while?" Cherry gently asked. Reki seemed to relax when the group stayed quiet, seeming to expect derogatory comments.

"I think I began noticing in my second year of middle school." Reki spoke to the ground, unable to look at anyone in the eye. Langa could see his muscles tensing, sensing Reki's desire to bolt.

"That is enough of that. We came here to skate. Let's skate." Joe broke the tension seeming to sense Reki's urge to flee.

"Yes! I have something I want to show you slimes." Miya skated off after joe towards the halfpipe, throwing taunts over his shoulder as he went. Reki and Lana flew after him, throwing their own teasing comments at Shadow, who deemed himself the adult supervisor of the rowdy children.

Cherry and Joe hung back a bit, watching them all tear off. The previous conversation still lingering in the air. Both adults tracking a brightly laughing Reki as he skated around Miya and Langa.

"Poor kid. That must be so frustrating. He tried to make it out like it was no big deal but even if he learned some coping mechanisms, they won't work all the time if he doesn't know what the source of the problem is." Cherry said.

"He won't. He isn't self aware enough to know that he even has symptoms. He seems to have an executive dysfunction though." Joe said, thinking back to his high school days, where everything was too much and not enough, the days of skating until the small hours to hopefully be able to focus, the cooking and baking he did to keep from tearing things apart.

"Maybe we can help him? Maybe if we play our cards right he will even let us. He is so smart, it must be terrible to be stuck in your own head like that." Cherry said, finally picking up his board. Joe followed suit.

"The hardest part is the executive dysfunction. You need and want to do the thing but because you're frontal cortex didn't develop fully you completely freeze and your brain checks out and you are worthless all day. No one else can really get it unless they know. It is hard to explain it to neurotypicals." Joe tried to explain to the best of his abilities. Cherry nodded and made a mental note to research neurotypicals and neurodevelopment disorders.

The two adults finally made it over to see everyone was in the middle of a trick imitating game. Miya was keeping the tricks to a lower difficulty than normal so Reki wouldn't get to disheartened Joe noticed. Langa was doing pretty well, some of the more subtle footwork tripping him up since he wasn't a long term veteran. They skated for a few more hours before finally taking a water break. They were leaning against the fence or the bench or even each other in Reki and Langa's case. Langa had his full attention on Reki as he lectured on another topic, Cherry wasn't sure but it seemed to be about the manhole covers in the streets.

"They have to be round cause any other shape will fall in when turned upright. It is to save the people who are in the pipe below it." Reki was saying. Langa soaked up every word, and Cherry almost felt sorry for how gone the kid was for Reki.

"Honestly kid, why do you know that?' Joe said, looking just as interested. Cherry could only sigh and hope he wasn't as readable on how gone for his idiot gorilla.

"I collect interesting facts. I like to keep them in my brain, never know when you need them." Reki said. Joe just smiled down at the young man, fondly.

"Of course you do, kid. Of course you do."

#saundraswriting #sk8 the infinity #renga #reki kyan x langa hasegawa #adhd!reki #Domestic Sk8 family #matcha blossom

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lees-blogs · 3 years

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thanks for allowing us to ask questions, I’ve actually been looking for someone to help me so hopefully you can. I’m writing a story with a character who has ASD, and as I was doing some research, I found two things that stuck in my mind: I found a post that tells people how to write authentic autistic characters and one point they highlighted was, “don’t point out the fact that the character is autistic” and I noted that. but then a few days later I found a completely separate post with a different person telling people how to write authentic autistic characters and this person said, “state plainly that the person is autistic, don’t jump around it” and now, it is confusing me. should I point out my autistic character or not? or should I just give a few visible signs in the character and just hope it’s enough for the audience to tell that this character is autistic? I’m not autistic myself, so I cannot tell the difference between the statements these two people are making. or maybe I’m just bad at comprehension, I really don’t know. but if you have any tips on how to maybe address an autistic character in a story, it would be of much help.

I want to say, first off.. it’s very awesome that you are going to write a story about us or at least a character. That truly means a lot, especially with all the ableism we receive.

secondly, my advice to you is ( and I’ll try to give some helpful tips after this! ) try to figure out your character first before determining what those people are saying. Are they diagnosed? Or undiagnosed? What kind of autistic traits do they have? And if so are they sensory issues? Because sensory issues can be a very dodgy and difficult thing to work with in real life. If you need anymore information after this, I know a website and also this one account I really like! Also those people are correct, but as I asked.. if they are undiagnosed, then the character would be masking unless you choose to have them be open about it. If they are diagnosed, I’m sure the character will be more happier but also have anxiety if it’s correct or not ( thought wise! ) due to either being diagnosed late.

What some of us would like to see in representation for us or at least me, and this is me vouching for myself.. I don’t know who else would like to add on.

• Executive dysfunction.

Executive dysfunction can happen within whatever reason, or at least for me. It’s very difficult to manage ( for myself ) and it’s basically hard to identify when I’m hungry, need a shower, or need to brush teeth, etc. We want more representation of this especially when it gets so bad that we sometimes can’t even move. ( if you still don’t understand this, I will be happy to help! )

• Repeitive movements.

So I feel a lot of people may know this, but not every autistic character will flap their hands. Along with not being happy on top of flapping their hands. You can have the character express their emotions within these movements, because that’s basically what we do with them. For me, I flap my hands but it’s not something I caught on till a while now. I wasn’t born with it sadly, but I did have rocking and twisting. Along with this weird chugging motion like a train when I’m happy/enjoying myself. On top of that, this one is very concerning apparently to people. But mine is bopping my head. ( rocking it. Either side to side, or up and down. ) So please, if you want.. try to be original or maybe show something different that the character expresses.

• masking.

Masking is typically when we hide our autistic traits. Basically can lead to dissociation ( note: dissociation would have to lead to traumatic events more then multiple times before the person can be that way. ), and it’s very harmful for us. This is only when we feel a sense of discomfort from words of others, or we start to dislike this sort of behavior that others aren’t displaying. I used to be very open about my autism as a tiny bean, but as I grew older and nobody else did the things I did or received backlash. I stopped doing them in public or around people. I became more cautious, self aware when it happened, and scared that someone would think I’m crazy for still doing them. Of course I also thought I was alone in this world until my aunt surprised me with this word. But I won’t go into full detail of this, but please.. if you need/want more information to help you better understand. Please message me privately!

• INFO DUMPING.

Ah yes, the sweet info dumping as you have seen in this commentary! Basically we info dump so much that it’s basically on a few of our special interests. For me, I love info dumping about autism! I may be a little hesitant in some areas, and I’m not extremely smart on the way they happen/work but I try! That’s all that counts. But this is honestly so much information to comply on. For me, when I info dump. I info dump my brains out! My dad gets upset when I talk about Marvel typically because I should be doing other things but.. 😆 heh, you can’t stop someone who likes to info dump. Typically because I have to start over and explain the beginning of marvel, the heroes, and eventually the character. I even throw in science ( in the beginning sometimes if I have to explain that. ) which is something I like as well! I say like, but I actually mean love. Ha!

• the difference between special interests and hyperfixations!

Special interests are basically what bring us comfort, what helps us in times of need. They can be old special interests, or new ones. Basically like a change in your liking. For me, I used to like watching boy shows ( preferably legos, or generator Rex, Ninjago. ) and disney. I also played with dolls, but it varied! Now those are typically my old special interests and I still hyperfixate on them every now and then.

Hyperfixation can last up to a week, maybe a week and a half or a few days. I actually had hyperfixation for a while ago, and my friend got me Netflix. It was so nice, because I could binge some of my old shows there! But now my comfort lies in comics, science, video games, and Greek myth!

If you need anymore tips, anymore guidance, or anything else. I’d be happy to help, and please remember, we all vary on a different scale!

#autistic feels #being autistic #autistic positivity #autistic blogger #autistic community #autistic pride #autistic experiences #autistic culture #autism #actually autistic

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rayatii · 3 years

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A (somehow both very biased and not very opinionated) review of the Met orchestra musicians concert “Song to the Moon” from February 21, 2021:

I had been bothering my Tumblr followers with my excitement over this event yesterday, so it felt only right for me to stop procrastinating and give an attempt for a review of the whole thing; I think this is actually my first time writing a lengthy review ever, and it will probably sound naïve and be an embarrassment for me in the future.

It started around 10 PM where I live. I sat in my bed with my computer while eating chocolate in order to stay awake throughout the whole thing, and trying not to spill any pieces on the sheets, excitedly waiting for this event, having actually bought myself a fifteen-buck ticket about three weeks prior with my parents’ credit card (they didn’t bat an eye when I asked their permission), happily knowing that the money was not going to end up in the pockets of the undeserving Met management.

Given the shitty Lebanese Wi-Fi and the fact that this was a livestream, I had been worried that I might miss significant chunks and get upset over the fact. The stream did glitch a few times for me during the first number (mainly because I had my computer on my constantly-moving knees, before settling it down next to me on the bed), but otherwise it never failed me.

But let’s get on with the review. The livestream began with a title card representing an animation of a lunar eclipse, displaying the title “Song to the Moon”. The concert started with a performance of Antonín Dvořák’s String Quintet No. 2 in G Major, Op. 77 by members of the Met orchestra. (actually, given that this is a Met musicians concert, I feel that they ought to be rightfully credited; Nancy Wu, 1st violin [for this piece], Bruno Eicher, 2nd violin [for this piece], Désirée Elsevier, viola, Kari Jane Docter, cello, and Leigh Mesh, double bass.)

I actually listened to a recording of this piece in preparation a few days prior, just so you guys know. Obviously, there were a few slightly flat notes that were played, but overall this was quite a pleasant rendition, and I still have the theme from the 2nd movement stuck in my head as I’m writing this. What I also liked was that at one point (i.e. when I was actually paying attention in that area) I could actually hear the notes being played by the double bass quite clearly, at least compared to the other recording that I had listened to.

Next on the program, the musicians were joined by soprano Angela Gheorghiu (i.e. my main reason for actually purchasing the ticket), who performed all the way from the Athenaeum of Bucharest, Romania, [1st instance of Raya uselessly gushing] looking ethereal in that shot that was shown of her just walking inside the building wearing that white dress and flowing cape, before the actual performance. Just a warning for you guys here; I love Gheorghiu (actually, it’s a bit of a celebrity “crush”), so please expect a little bit of somewhat controlled gushing here and there (partly physical appearance-wise, which are indicated by the bold, and which I deeply hate myself for). This part of the review is causing me even more anxiety for that reason.

She performed on the stage of a theater that was practically empty besides the pianist. She sang in two languages I do not understand at all, which helped me a bit with not getting too distracted by pronunciation. [2nd instance of Raya uselessly gushing] Before I get into what y’all actually came for, I just wanted to get it out of my system about how she had this appearance that defined “has aged, aged really well”. She had this kind of mature beauty, especially with her makeup, that seemed to give me the overall vibes of a pleasant middle-aged auntie. (well, this was very difficult embarrassing to write) Even her singing voice had this sound that can be described as having this sort of “mature” quality blended with the whole fact of her overall sound being “hers”. I hope I have made myself clear.

Okay, gushing finished for now, let’s move on with the review!

Apparently the footage taken in Bucharest and the one taken in New York were both filmed separately. I found it really mind-blowing how the audio of both got synchronized so perfectly.

The first gem Gheorghiu sang was an arrangement of “Tatăl nostru”; basically an early-19th-century musical setting of the Lord’s Prayer by Anton Pann that is still used to this day in the Romanian Orthodox Church (totally NOT reading off the PDF for the program notes provided on the website). I had obviously never heard this piece before; I had tried to (VERY lazily) look it up a bit, but to no avail. I unfortunately don’t remember much from this performance apart from everything mentioned before, but what I do know is that was rendered really epic thanks to the participation of principal Met percussionist Gregory Zuber alongside the string players.

Next was performed the aria after which the whole concert was named, the incredibly famous “Měsíčku na nebi hlubokém” (aka “Song to the Moon”) by Dvořák again, from the opera Rusalka. This version was actually arranged by the violist Elsevier, who is among the musicians who retired from the Met during the pandemic. And it was indeed a beautiful arrangement! Now, unlike “Tatăl nostru”, which I virtually knew nothing about, I love this aria and know it quite well, so I did pay attention to some of the pronunciation; but then again, I do not speak Czech, so it didn’t matter much. Overall, Gheorghiu’s rendition was not perfect (I thinnnnnnnnk there were some notes that were a little bit out of tune? but there was vibrato that also touched the right tone and so I couldn’t tell), and I would certainly not imagine it within the full context of Rusalka the opera (see what I noted above concerning the quality of her voice), but that did not stop me from finding it quite beautiful.

It felt so weird not to hear any applause after each number, and so I could not help but clap after each gem, even though no one could hear me.

After the concert wrapped up, the audience got to watch a chat session between Gheorghiu and Met horn player Barbara Jöstlein Currie, where they talked about how this whole thing came to be (so apparently there was Instagram DM’ing between the two that was involved in the preparation?), before the five string players (which actually include two married couples!) whose music we heard earlier joined in. So unlike the concert, which was all pre-recorded, this was a Zoom session being streamed live. [3rd instance of Raya uselessly gushing] Gheorghiu’s speaking voice sounds radically different from her singing voice, and I can tell English is not her primary language, but that’s just something useless I wanted to include, on which I have zero strong feelings. In contrast to the pre-recorded concert, here she was responsible for me writing in The Balcony Seats Discord server earlier today about how “you know you have aged well when you end up looking a bit like Morticia Addams”, especially with the makeup. [gushing done]

The whole discussion hinged on the concept of “Met family”, and I found the whole interaction between Gheorghiu and the musicians just very very sweet, a star singer and musicians in the pit seeing each other as equals, as family. It’s not every day that I see that (but then again, my background is severely limited, so what do I know). Among the relatively unimportant things the convo touched on that stick with me, in no particular order, are:

Gheorghiu apparently married on the stage of the Met because the guy from the City Hall lost their papers and I never knew that??? (but then again, I never directly research info about my hyperfixations because I get overwhelmed) Everyone had a nice laugh at that recollection.

She got into this whole profession mainly to sing at the Met. Also the whole deal of her making L*vine cry and making her debut at a young age for a star singer.

Everyone relating to the feeling of going home at night after a concert, and not being able to go to sleep because you still have adrenaline flowing through you. As someone who does performing arts, I also relate to that on a moderate degree.

Family life talks.

Gheorghiu mentioning how she can’t work with a director who’s like “your character does that because that’s what I decided” because something something harmony? I can’t remember; I’m pretty sure I’m misquoting. But that’s basically the equivalent of “my house, my rules” (”my production, my interpretation” in that case, lol) imo, so can’t object too much.

Something about playing the finale of Götterdämmerung led the musicians to humorously throw in the idea of Gheorghiu singing Brünnhilde as her next role, and she went all “nah” to that, also humorously.

This led to her admitting that she’s not the biggest fan of Wagner’s music (though she would consider singing Elsa); saying that she’d travel back in time to tell Wager to stop writing these interminable phrases, to just get to the point (I’m not really into Wagner either, so I don’t completely disagree). Also, she believes that Wagner is difficult to sing, and that singers who nail Wagner tend to end up singing only Wagner (here, I think it depends, but there is a point somewhere in here).

She doesn’t seem to like singing acapella/without music very much, which also led her to record some sAcRiLEgiOuS versions of Orthodox worship songs, which you’re apparently not supposed to sing with music.

She sang something like “goodnight, goodnight” (idk) at the very end, it was cute.

To go back to the important stuff, Gheorghiu apparently wrote directly to the Met donors, asking to help in any way, because she wanted to set an example for other people by doing the right thing, and to help what she sees as her “family”, as mentioned above. I had heard some stories about her diva reputation (and she does seem to enjoy attention and stuff, from what I’ve seen myself), but overall she seems like a pretty good person. Mainly mentioning that because as y’all know I’m autistic and can’t tell intricate body language and stuff, plus my very strong belief that good person >>>>>>> great performer. (but my dear friends say that loving her is valid, so I guess I’m safe from too much disappointment. what am I even writing).

And that’s it for my incredibly long and uselessly detailed and almost incoherent and somewhat gushy review, which took me nearly 3 hours to write (and for which I may or may not have replayed a little bit of the stream just to get one bit of info right), and which will, again, probably embarrass me for the rest of my puny life, but which I could not not let out into the void of operablr.

(There were also moments earlier today where I was fantasizing about being interviewed on that very Zoom meeting for the scene-and-duet I composed back in January in response to the Met’s poor treatment of its musicians)

I guess what I can take from this post is: never write a review again, Raya!

#sorry everyone!!!#raya writes a review #concert review #opera concert review #angela gheorghiu #(whom i have excessively gushed over)#(but seriously you should count the number of times i have written 'gheorghiu' in this one post!)#(i haven't bc it's late)#met orchestra musicians #song to the moon #song to the moon concert #dealing with part of a current hyperfixation

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blackteaaddict · 4 years

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lately mood has reached the floor and can’t get up. no wait. it reached the basement.

I don’t write here about what’s happening in my country (on rare occasions I complained on my sideblog) because I come to tumblr to take a break from all that shit.

but for the last few days it doesn’t help that much anymore. I smile for a while and then I slide again. I wanted to edit my fic this week but everything is so meh. and it’s not even that I’m in I hate my writing mood, I’m just tired.

and I’ll try to write it all down, I’m not sure if I‘ll use the right english words, I don’t care if somebody will want to read this, I just feel like I need to throw it out of my head somewhere, so feel free to ignore this

the past few months my mood has been one big disappointed but not surprised. I mean, it’s been like that for the past 5 years? but with every year the disappointment grows and grows.

my mood was already pretty wobbly lately from all that vicious resurgence of hate on lgbt people that came with the campaign for the presidential elections in july and didn’t stop ever since. and tumblr was a good place to cut off from that and it worked. tumblr was my better place, where I could dive into my newest hyperfixation and take a breath of fresh air, and not think all the time in what a terrible country I live in. also writing, it helped too a lot.

but since thusday it doesn’t work anymore. my beloved radio Trójka is in ruin. I lost my radio. I’ve been losing it for past 5 years, ever since the 2015 parliament elections, I’ve been losing it crumb after crumb, and for the past 7 months these crumbs turned to huge chunks.

why this hit me so hard? maybe because Trójka also used to be my better place. no matter what shit went in my life, there was always this radio, the familiar voices of the favourite presenters, the beautiful music. and it always made everything at least a little bit better. you know what they say about songs sounding better on the radio? yes, there’s some magic there. and it’s so nice to just let your favourite music presenter take your hand and lead you on the two hour long music journey.

Trójka is a national/state-owned(?) radio, the third channel of the polish radio, so it’s not independent from the government, in fact it’s extremely dependent, it means they can appoint whoever they want to be the director of this radio and they made it their mission to destroy it. it was a very special radio, created by people absolutely professional and full of passion, who gave us beautiful music and so much more, and that’s what earned them the very faithful base of listeners. i am/was(?) one of these faithful listeners. the radio presenters were the voices I grew up with and they were accompanying me all my life. it was the radio created by open minded people for other open-minded people so of course it’s no wonder the current government tries to destroy it so fiercely.

the radio has been consistently devastated for the past five years, more and more radio presenters were forced to leave. it really hurts to watch all these people being treated in such a nasty way. many spent all their adult lives working there, for many it used to be like the second home, they gave this radio all their heart and there are legends about the wonderful atmosphere of this radio in its best times. and sure, they are one of the absolute best in the country, they found jobs in other media, but it shouldn’t be like this.

the biggest crisis came in may and the scandal was too big to have right before the presidential elections so the new director of Trójka was appointed and this time it wasn’t some scum from the outside but one of the radio presenters. and he really did a lot of hard work to start rebuilding this radio. on thursday he got fired. he was aware it might end like this, he was aware he might just get used to appease the situation right before the elections. but he loved this radio so much he couldn’t give up, he had to try if there was even the tiniest bit of hope. but it was fully expected it might not last, considering what a vile bitch is the director of the whole polish radio. now there’s some new idiot director of Trójka, some radio presenters are not let into the building when they should have their programme, nobody knows what’s going on.

the radio is in a complete ruin once again, like it was in may. and I can’t see any hope there any more. this radio was created in the times of communism and somehow survived these times and lasted for many decades but nobody knows if it will survive this government. if it’s possible to rebuild it in the better times. when these better times will come.

and that’s something I can’t escape. not when Trójka was always playing in my house all my life, when it gave some rhythm to my days, to my weeks. and now almost all the programmes are gone, sometimes the management sends some lousy replacement and I hear some voices that were never there in this radio and that don’t belong there, it’s like someone broke into my house with their dirty shoes. so the radio is mostly turned off. and the silence constantly reminds. and even if I try to play some music myself it reminds me too, because all my favourite songs used to play in this radio by my favourite presenters that are not there any more and it just makes me want to cry.

and I’m gonna get better in time, I’m just mourning now probably, but for the past few days I have this overwhelming feeling like the whole world is sliding into some black hole and nothing makes sense anymore. and the whole world crumbles down with the environmental crisis and the pandemic and this country is crumbling down even more, with democracy and free media systematically destroyed (for now it’s just the national media but they surely don’t want to stop there), and people are being divided into worse and better, into the true poles and the enemies of the country (obviously I’m clearly the enemy)

I don’t really how it will all end

(and yes, I anglicized a bit my name in my blog description. mainly for aesthetics, it looked weird among all that english text, and I just changed two letters and I like how it sounds in english. but yeah also a bit because I have a complicated relationship with my country. I always had? but ever since I’m watching poland getting destroyed by the current government I feel it more and more that this country is my country?)

#personal stuff #this is long and you can feel free to ignore it #i wrote it mostly to just throw it out of my head somewhere #and maybe it will help

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blondiearts · 5 years

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Today is the 2nd birthday of my art blog! Maybe this is sort of silly, but I've been reflecting a lot lately, so I'll probably get rambly and sappy and serious and other bullshit. Under the cut!

TW: suicide ment, parental death

I remember when I was in early high school I was always kind of in awe that people could get so invested into something that they'd make fanart for it constantly. I'd see it a lot! But back then my hyperfixations would only last a couple weeks before I got tired of it and moved on to something else. There was never anything consistent enough that I'd want to draw fanart, even back when RWBY first came out it was the same thing. I'd be obsessed for a while! And then move on.

But two years ago on a whim I decided to make this art blog. I was honestly so sure that I'd start it, get tired of it within a couple weeks, and ultimately just delete it. But I actually got involved with the community! I saw so many amazing and inspiring artists! I read fun theories, fanfics, ideas, analysis, etc! Before long RWBY became a staple in my life. I related to a lot of the characters and their struggles, especially Yang. And with the hope of Bumbleby becoming a real possibility and being so well written, I was hooked. In the summer of 2018 between volumes 5 and 6, I lost my dad. He wasn't my biological father--that man left me when I was very young. I don't even remember him being much of a presence in my life aside from the very rare times he's visit for a couple hours. For a long time I wanted to have some sort of a relationship with him, but he let me down time and time again with false promises. He added me on Facebook a couple months before my dad died, and I remember just going off on him about how I felt. After so long of wanting him to, y'know, be my dad, when he came to me that time I was just done. I told him how I felt and that was that. I had a dad, you know? So when James, my dad passed it just felt really unfair. 15+ years of wanting a father figure in my life only to finally find someone and then have him taken away so unexpectedly. It's like a cruel joke.

During that time, RWBY became a distraction. Volume 6 teasers started popping up, the fandom was becoming more active again, it helped a little bit. I think the worst of it was right around when volume 6 was probably about halfway through. Grief really fucks up a lot for you. I became a really angry person, I isolated myself from friends, told everyone multiple times there was no way I'd be able to support anyone emotionally, and I left some awful friendships. Even my girlfriend at the time, who knew what this sort of grief was like, tried to hold on to me so tightly that it's ultimately what ended up pushing me away even further. A lot of things just kept going wrong. I remember being downtown by the river one night cause I wanted to get away from everything for a bit, and I just really missed my dad. I missed him a lot. The thought of "If you miss him so much, why not just join him?" ran through my head a lot, staring at the water. It was a little scary.

As stupid as this may sound, clinging so much to a show, "I want to know what happens next." was the simplest response that kept me going. Seeing a new episode every week and then coming on here to see all the new fanart, the wild theories and analysis, all the way down to the smallest things that likely didn't mean anything. (Like Blake taking One Whole step closer to Yang when they told everyone Oscar was missing.) That goofy excitement and seeing so many happy posts made a lot of the grief bearable. It was my first time having to deal with such a life changing loss, but RWBY and its community softened the blow a little, and I'm really grateful for that.

I think some people don't quite understand that. My ex got annoyed that I just wanted to watch RWBY, read stuff about it, draw for it. I tried to explain it to her a few different times like... why I wanted to focus on it so much, and she'd understand for a while. But she'd always get frustrated again a few days later. I tried to do the right thing and break it off a couple times because I just wasn't able to maintain a relationship, but it just sort of... kept dragging on before I finally put my foot down and called it quits for good.

On the other hand, others did understand why RWBY was so important to me, and still tried to chase me from the community anyways due to some issues with my platonic partners coping in unhealthy ways with trauma. (That was a looooong talk with them;; but it all turned out okay and they're doing better.) They knew all of this. I was really scared for a while. Not that I'd lose followers or that people blocked me, I didn't care about that. I was scared that I'd lose the only way I've found that's helped me cope with losing my dad.

I knew grieving was a hard process, but I never thought it'd be so difficult for others to let me grieve. And for me to let myself grieve. Maybe it's dumb to rely so much on a show to help me get through the hard days, but if it helps me that's all that really matters. Volume 7 will be here before we know it and I am beyond excited. Regardless of how much shit people have tried to throw at me and how cruel others are, a lot of good has come from it too. I've experimented more with my art and have tried to improve in areas I've always been too nervous to try cause of how bad I am at them. I've made some really awesome friends!! And I hope to talk to more people and possibly collab with artists! And! I reconnected with an old friend who is now my girlfriend by getting her into RWBY, and of course the bees. :P

I feel like this whole post is a big jumbled mess, but really I'm just so beyond thankful for this whole community. I'm thankful for the people who enjoy my art and continue to support me and I'm grateful for all the fun content people make for it, from fanart to analysis to shitposts. It's all helped me so much.

It's been a really wild 2 years and I'm stuck in this fandom for a long time. Nothing and no one will change that. ♥

#alice.txt #oh my god why do i always do this #i write sappy shit and then like a week later i'm too embarrassed to even look back at it #but i just ahhhh #rwby really just means the world to me

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