#and therefore never helped him

[animangalover-writes]

Just listened to "A Part of me" in the Dear Evan Hansen bonus tracks, and OOF, imagining the song being about everyone finding what Billy hargrove went through but only AFTER he died. Everyone wondering if they could have helped him in some way. Max being Zoe with their similar parallels. Hopper thinking about seeing Billy with bruises and just thinking he was just a troublemaker only to realize afterwards that Neil was doing that to him. Joyce wondering how she didn't see the signs whenever he'd come in to by cigarettes with a busted lip or black eye. The two of them both wondering what they could have done differently to help him, because he was just a kid. Even Eddie Munson, who could have been Billy's only real friend, or Heather Holloway(if she lived), who genuinely mourn him and wish they could have done something. Steve being Evan, when he makes a speech about Billy, a kid he was just starting to be friends with, that gains he a lot of praise and popularity. Except unlike Evan, he doesn't want it, hates it even. Someone, a guy(Eddie or Steve or anyone else) who was secretly dating him. Who goes to Max because she is the only person in his family that really cared about him, and aims to tell her that Billy was gay, just so she holds that secret part of him close to her heart. And before they say it, she tells them, "You make me feel closer to him." And they realize it's not their secret to tell, and that that secret will follow him to the grave. That he will never be allowed to truly own that part of himself, even in death. And Billy's ghost, watching the interaction at the end, with a solemn look on his face, knowing that some people are using his death for pity points, and knowing that most people never really knew him, and now they never will.

#THIS ONE BIG RANT I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS FOR BILLY AND THIS SONG OK #joyce and hopper as connors mom and dad. except they're regrets are that they never actually tried to see if anything was wrong #and therefore never helped him #maybe one line of neil 'mourning' his son but its a twisted sort of grief #where he misses billy in a sense #but he misses the control more. and it gets all twisted up inside him #pauses between lyrics where its only the instrumental and we get scenes of hopper talking to and arresting neil and karen #because again #they only found out everything he went through AFTER HE DIED #only finding out because of max and heather and eddie #and maybe steve #them being the only person to truly mourn his loss #the empty hole left behind filled with regret and unspoken words #max not understanding her grief but feeling it so intensely anyways and missing him so much #ANYWAY #billy hargrove #billy hargrove deserved better #connor murphy #evan hansen #dear evan hansen #deh #stranger things #max mayfield #aml speaks #idk if this'll make sense to anybody other then me but if you get it then YOU GET IT #gay billy hargrove #harringrove #mungrove #any other billy ship(mostly gay ones) #all implied

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

not being able to drive as an old-ass adult and therefore being a burden to everyone around you is so embarrassing. but it's the only option i have, thanks to My Poor Nerves

#my boyfriend locked his keys in his car and i'm just like 'welp! good luck with that!!!!' #guess i gotta maybe die trying to go help him out of this situation at some point today #technically i CAN drive but only in non-city environments. but tragically. i live in a city. #it's been real you guys. thank you for all these years of fandom joy! 🫡 #dollsome's deep thoughts #i get that the solution to this is just to drive more until i am no longer afraid of it and have driving skills #but instead my brain goes to 'what if i moved out in the middle of the deep wilderness and never emerged #and therefore no one could ever ask me to drive for any reason!' #and that sounds way more practical #update: omg i think i found someone else to go help him. i live to fight another day!!!!

[good-beanswrites]

I can't stop thinking of Kyanako's Order of Attack au... there's something so moving to me about how things getting so much worse could be what finally causes Amane to get better -- seeing Fuuta dying may be the final straw of getting her to rethink her rejection of medicine. Been a while since I've attempted something whump-y, this was fun to work with.

Tw for mentions/contemplation of death. I don't go into detail about the cult but the doctrines are implied through it all.

Fuuta was not a big fan of dying.

When he imagined his own death, he always pictured it as something dramatic and fast. Action heroes going out in a show of explosions and gunfire. Fantasy characters meeting the shining end of a blade. Even when he accepted his place in Milgram, it filled his mind with images of gallows and electric chairs. 

Whatever this slow, lengthy fever was, it was pissing him off. 

He’d lost all sense of time. He could no longer tell which hour the prison bells were marking -- morning and night blended together. Dreaming and waking blended together. His head injury and broken leg and broken bones blended together. It was all just pain at the end of the day. He had nonstop visitors that kept him awake and asked him too many questions and prodded his injuries and made his head spin. Somehow, he was simultaneously alone every time he rolled over to talk to someone. Painfully, suffocatingly alone. 

If Kotoko was going to kill him with those ridiculous emo boots of hers, she should have just done it. He was losing his mind here: devoid of all energy, suffering through broken bones and a cracked head, and boiling in an increasingly fiery fever. Maybe that was the reason he stopped commenting when he watched Amane pocket the medicine Shidou had left him. Maybe that was why he’d stopped following Shidou’s instructions himself. Even after losing an eye and taking a beating herself, Amane always looked at peace. He was tired of dealing with all of this. He wanted a bit of that peace.

Regardless of why, it was working. His fever had quickly gone from the biggest pain in his ass to the very thing that dulled his racing thoughts. 

He awoke suddenly, or maybe he’d already been awake. He couldn’t feel anything in his limbs. There was only a breathless heat around him. He raised himself into a sitting position, looking for a drink. Moving his head felt like one of those glitching computer windows that leaves a trail of copies behind it. The room swam around him. His eyes moved absently around him.

Fuuta picked up the glass that someone had left him. His fingers were clumsy, and it immediately went crashing to the ground. He hardly heard the noise as it broke apart on the concrete below. 

He swung his legs over the side of the bed. He’d just go get a drink himself. Shidou told him not to get up without help. But what did he know? Thinking of the man ordering him around only drove Fuuta to step out of bed even quicker. He cried out, pain shooting through his leg. That was right, it was broken… 

Fuuta looked down, finding himself on the ground. It was so hot. Maybe this is what she felt, he thought numbly. Was it this slow for her too? Probably not. She had no regrets to fill the time like he did. The heroes got quick, beautiful deaths, and it was the villains who had to suffer the long ones. 

He lifted his right palm from where it had caught his fall. The shattered glass on the floor had cut into it. Shattered glass? What had broken? He stared blankly at the blood dripping down. 

He didn’t have the strength to raise himself up. He was burning. Why was he on the ground? Was he bleeding? He could barely breathe. What was he doing here, anyway? He just wanted to curl up and sleep. He was so weak... just to lie down... he wouldn't have the strength to get back up again. Was that such a bad thing...?

A voice caught his attention. His eyes struggled to focus on the figure who’d come running into the cell. He couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying, but he was happy when she pressed her cool little hands against his forehead. 

He allowed her to prop him up next to the bed. She held onto his hand, squeezing it tight. Why was she holding it like that? That hand was bleeding. When did that happen?

Her arms wrapped tightly around him. He wanted to shove her away -- it was too hot -- but couldn’t. In his ear, he could make out her words. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, Fuuta. Don’t leave me alone. I’m so sorry...”

As she pulled back, he recognized Amane. Her uninjured eye was filled with tears. Was she upset? He thought he’d been making her happy. He wanted to keep making her happy. He’d never made anyone happy before. 

He opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out. They all scrambled up in his mouth. He felt the cell swirling around him.

Amane raised her voice. She looked desperately upwards. “This can’t be --! This isn’t right!” 

Fuuta looked up at the ceiling. There was nothing there. 

“I can’t do this anymore.”

She continued talking. Fuuta was too busy studying the ceiling. She was shouting. Or maybe crying. Fuuta didn’t like that she was so upset. Huh, had there been someone there? He surveyed the empty cell. What was he doing on the ground?

He looked down at his hand. The sheet from his bed had been pulled down and wrapped hastily around it. Why? His eyes felt sticky as he blinked. Everything hurt. It was so hot. What was going on? He was so angry. He was so scared. He wanted to cry. Why was he here? Why couldn’t he just hurry up and die already?

The next time she entered, Fuuta recognized Amane instantly. Her one hand pointed to him, the other held onto someone else. The second figure hurried over to him. 

Fuuta was not a big fan of dying. Shidou reassured him he wouldn’t.

—

“You’re wearing the eyepatch,” Fuuta observed. 

He was playing a dangerous game, drawing attention to it like that. He was too exhausted, and his curiosity won out over his better judgment. If Amane was going to explode with one of her typical speeches, he’d just let her.

She didn’t. 

Amane’s hand drifted up to her eye. It had been hastily covered before, but now it was cleaned and wrapped in professional-grade materials. She simply said,  “Kajiyama Fuuta. How do you feel?”

“Like shit.”

“But--”

“-- But I’m better, yeah.”

Amane nodded, her shoulders releasing. 

“Oi, I haven’t seen you in a while. Not since…” He wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. Shidou had told him what happened, but it was difficult to believe. He couldn’t quite trust his own memory of the night. No matter how much clearer his mind felt since receiving proper treatment, those days of fever still muddled together. He heard that Amane had up and switched her beliefs overnight -- she was now complacent about all of Shidou's treatments -- but Fuuta knew people didn't just change like that. He wanted to hear it for himself.

She lowered her gaze in shame. “I… I thought you hated me.” Her voice was steady. “As you should. I almost killed you. I accept any ill will you may feel.”

“I -- what? You’re wrong. You… it wasn’t…” He grabbed his head, grunting in frustration.

After standing awkwardly in the entryway the whole time, Amane took a few steps inside. She made it to his bedside when he finally collected his thoughts. 

“It was your fucked up family or whatever that caused everything. They did this. And I went along and made things worse.” He looked away. His next words felt stupid to say to a little kid. He felt like the most pathetic, weak, loser. But it was too important not to say.

“They almost killed me. You saved me.”

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #amane momose #i am emotional about them!!! #my other drabble between them hinted that fuuta would convince her away from her dangerous beliefs before things got too bad #but i wanted to see what would happen if things Did get bad ya know #we were talking about what could convince amane to think twice about the medicine ban (if anything) #and i think seeing her closest friend is literally on deaths door finally gets through to her #shes sees him weak and bloody and completely out of it and knows this is Wrong #i dont know how long it takes fuuta to realize that it really was all for him that she changed but he does accept it eventually #it helps both of them grow #he feels worth saving (and therefore worth turning his life around) and she is freer from her cult #not completely #but one step at a time #tried to make fuutas narration simpler and shorter to reflect his thoughts but idk if that worked #i thought they were going to do a lot of stuff with mahirus head injury and memory but they never did- i played around with that a bit here #i thought about writing out amanes monologue to her god about how shes not doing this anymore but 1. its more dramatic to leave that to #the imagination and 2. idk if its silly but some things are so personal for a character and i dont wanna intrude... like yeah its my #story but thats between her and god fr #drabbles #tw cults #tw child abuse

[talentforlying]

john and his niece going for a walk, arm-in-arm, so gemma can confide in him about her ghost problem without worrying her mum......i'm severely unwell about them.

#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #unfortunately mike carey kinda popped off about the two of them growing apart + gemma trying to follow his footsteps alone #gemma had so much to deal with at home and john provided a picture of stability and self-government that he simply does not really possess #and therefore by extension? so did the world of the occult #her descent into resentment + rebellion + risky behavior was fully in character for a troubled teen in an unhappy home #and it SUCKS bc the breakdown of their relationship was all due to john wanting SO BADLY to be a good influence on her + be there for her #and succeeding in the most monkey paw of ways #gemma never ONCE saw the cracks in the mask until she got close enough to his orbit to see him fail her in the WORST way #and that is a FUCKING tragedy #and we do NOT speak of the bullshit peter milligan pulled in his run because FUCK. THAT. NOISE. #in my canon they tentatively reconciled after the empathy virus. gemma's making her way through university #(see: studying part-time and still pursuing the occult on the side. but doing so Much more cautiously) #(no longer trying to be a Constantine TM but just trying to help out friends here and there) #and they meet once a year on december 2nd to honor cheryl's memory and catch up #( gemma masters. ) THAT'S MY NIECE YOU PIECE OF SHIT! #( visage. ) AND I'M A BASTARD. #sched.

[thanotaphobia]

jrwi ACTUAL nightmare blunt rotation, ill start. clockwise, peter sqloint. rand. william wisp.

#thanatos is here too but he cant get high so he j chilling #jrwi #weed ment #peter sqloint #it'd be his first time and he'd immediately have a panic attack (been there buddy). #timothy rand #hed be fine but i knew a guy like him once and Never Again #hes stonermaxxing and it gets ANNOYING #he finishes the blunt in 2 hits and dips. like bro #william wisp #now hed be fine normally HOWEVER. #now i'm trying help peter calm down and rand is gone so will would be trying to talk MY ear off while im helping #and therefore would make the situation worse #hed also probably unknowingly feed peters anxieties #peter would also feed his #tags on this one are insane jfc

[roboyomo]

I'm enabling you now go go go

UOU. SIGNAL UNDERSTOOD. Time for the big kenix and azrael rant under the cut!!!

So to start off, I'll briefly explain Azrael as a character since Kenix technically already had a brief character explanation

Azrael is also one of the "7 Deadly Sins" crew, just like Kenix, with his assigned sin being Envy.

For Azrael's case, Envy would be represented by his failures. Specifically failing his original protecting duties as a soldier in his past life, now envious of 'he' from his fantasies who has succeeded to protect others. The fact that he failed many times to live up to the version of him who has it all, driving him absolutely crazy. And as he does not have any idea how to deal with these feelings of anger and guilt, he only starts to blame everyone else around who had it better than him. Anyone who has managed to live up to their goals, being incredibly envious of them, to the point of purposefully ruining their lives. Ruining what they had so they could experience the same misery he felt this entire time, until it backfired and got him killed instead. (he is in misery but he doesn't want to be drowned in it alone, so he brings others down with him). He has failed himself by not meeting his own expectations, so the thought that there is a version of him out there that has succeeded to meet those same expectations and is now living better than before... makes him want to curse the entire world. Being extremely jealous of anyone who had the great success he wanted originally, now pouring out his misery as revenge on others, just to see them fall down the same way his entire world shattered in his eyes. The same misery now being turned into the poison inside his body, using it as a weapon against his enemy in the Afterlife. Now living as a cursed being that is forever bound to this insufferable nature, he tries to keep mostly to himself after becoming the 4th in line to join the sins crew. No roaming around the land with no end in sight, no contact, no relationships — only him and himself.

That is until Kenix himself has taken interest in Azrael. The interest was ever so the same as it was for the previous members of the crew. Attempting to get on semi-friendly terms with the others that are now just as miserable as him deep inside, since aggravating them would nothing good to both parties and he is aware of how fucked everything is for all of them combined, having the "false" feeling of empathy for them. But Azrael intrigued him the most because of how much he felt that their anguish was similar in a way. Both of their worlds were shattered and took it out on others because they didn't know how to deal with their problems in a healthy way, Azrael's case just got more extreme than Kenix's, who has only took it out on his surronding enviroment, which was very limited ever since he was young (and additionally taking it out on some of the Original timeline crew members/"The Warriors" after he was in the Afterlife). It was then when the suppressed desperation to feel something resurfaced. The wish to know what a connection between people is, the wish to have even someone by his side that would accept him as the awful person he is now. That desperation slipping through the the cracks of his facade of carelessness for others, having no feelings of remorse for his actions — he knows he can't go on for long without any sort of human interaction, that would only drive him more insane and worsen his state which would lead to his end sooner than expected. Not only is it because he knows that there is a higher risk chance if he will forever cut off everyone from his life, it is own wish to have someone finally accept him that has been born from the years of loneliness and isolation. He wants to, he 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘰 find some sort of companion for his own sake, something he never thought could happen because he truly believed that he would be better off without anyone. He doesn't think that he could ever become better, but the thought that someone, whose just as awful as he is, would accept him as this very same awful being, made him feel something that he has never experienced (Is it hope?? Is it the desperation for affection?? Not even Kenix knows that)

And that's when Azrael comes in. Nothing about Azrael said that the interest was mutual, but Kenix didn't stop attempting to engage in a first conversation with him. Azrael, due to his nature and the decision to distance himself from others, didn't feel like it. In fact, he also felt like Kenix shouldn't be trusted so there was this constant need to be cautious around him. Something about that attitude, that smile, the manner of speaking Kenix has,,, threw him off a few times to be honest. But when Azrael tried to confront Kenix head on about why the one kept trying to get closer to him, Kenix would only make up a shallow lie that Azrael's gradient hair looked interesting. He could 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 ever admit out loud that he desperately longed for someone who understood him, admitting to that would be a sign of showing weakness — and that is prohibited when Kenix's first desire was about being powerful and seem powerful. Additionally, it is not like he would ever take "my carefully built facade is slowly breaking day by day and my true feelings and desperate wishes for human companionship and physical affection have been shown to someone that I thought would finally be the one to help me get through this agony" well. he would probably spiral and worsen everything about his mental state and sanity even more and that means that he would meet his demise sooner. which is unwanted as he still wants to have a chance at life — not the best one, but a life at the very least.

It is where their relationships starts to build off from that point. Azrael slowly starts to show more trust towards Kenix and that made Kenix have this sense of hope, the hope that Azrael will become the one person Kenix wished to have by his side until the end of time. Kenix undeniably always has been fascinated by Azrael and with each interaction, the fascination for him grew only bigger. From Azrael acting annoyed at Kenix for being too bothersome to sincerely enjoying each other's company. Starting all those nice conversations between them about anything they share as interests until Azrael one day decided to hold Kenix's hand without realizing it himself. He pretty much realized it only by seeing Kenix's puzzled face. That is when he found out that Kenix has... almost no concept of what physical affection is shown through. No grasp on the idea of what hand holding is, or no idea about any other displays of affection. Finding out about just how isolated Kenix was that he has no idea about how it feels to be hugged or hug someone else was just shocking to him. Which made him start being curious about what various displays of affection Kenix has no idea about. and is it not surprising that he doesn't know about most of it. this man's past is probably the definition of loneliness and he never knew what it was like to be loved or show love to others so pretty obvious that this stuff will puzzle him as it is just this new thing for him even if he wished for it for a long time.

Azrael just holding his hand actually made Kenix crave that feeling more (because of incredibly touch starved this man is). It is "I never knew of this sensation but please stay with me like this for just a few more minutes I'll provide us with all the time in the world to allow us to just stay closer together for a longer while" kind of craving (at this point he is not able to hide just how badly he needed someone next to him at all times)

Now Azrael is just showing this guy with some serious unaddressed issues™ what it is like to be loved and Kenix tries to show love back with what is left of his heart. Usually successful but sometimes it is just gifting something made out of someone else. it is not fun to hear the screaming of thousands because you wear this ring he gifted you. They have still committed atrocities but now they are able to accidentally "fix" each other without realizing it

#kenix has so many issues that he hides behind a facade it is unreal #he wouldn't even know how to tell if he has romantic feelings for anyone he has never experienced any of this and is therefore #clueless. at least he got someone to help him now #i'd explain more about them but that is too much blocks of text in one post hopefully i can do a part 2 to this someday #anyways. please consider them i hold them very dear to my heart for over a year now #kenix MIGHT be experiencing something more than just fascination for azrael. just a thought though #kenix's heart doesn't have much capacity for love but he can do his best if he tries #his ability to love has been destroyed ever since childhood afterall. it will take a while to restore it back #azrael is patient enough to let kenix get more comfortable about sharing his past with him #yomo ocs?! #yomoart

[thenecropolix]

Y'all I'm surprised no one has considered this other than the occasional age swap au but

Imagine a far into the future au with an elderly Raz where he's at his Nona's age alongside his friends

He would be the most chaotic peepaw ever

#is this depressing to think about in the context of his older family members #absolutely #but please consider #he would be a riot as an old man #never lost that spark of his #and therefore comes off as young at heart #I just know he'd be a fan favorite amongst children and teenagers #also #him looking out for any kids that appear troubled cause they remind him of himself when he was that age #this may or may not have been inspired by a tintin fan account where op drew tintin as a cute little old man #im just saying peepaw raz would be wholesome but also god help whoever is tasked with monitoring him #cause I can only imagine age wouldn't stop raz from pulling the most insane shit ever #do you guys see where I'm going with this #razputin aquato #psychonauts #the necropolix speaks

[bonebrokebuddy]

If I’m not able to pull up the DSM-5 and check off at least half of the criteria for autism when reading a Batman run, then I believe the author fundamentally misunderstands Batman’s character.

It’s not that I’m saying Bruce should be autistic. What I am saying is that if Bruce is not at least neurodivergent-coded then he ultimately loses nearly all of his most defining habits and personality traits. Expecially the ones that are shown through interacting with other characters & internal dialogue.

#batman #dc comics #bruce wayne #dc #most of his defining characteristics are autistic traits #low empathy and being able to process your emotions #having a very strong sense of Justice and What Is Right #only feeling emotions in the extremes or feeling nothing #it’s to the point for me where anger gives almost the same feeling as being happy #just because it’s as intense of an emotion that it almost feels the same #and as someone who has gone to therapy for many years to understand that while anger is an easier way to feel emotions #seeking happiness is not only healthier but makes you not a shit person to be around #that was me who learned that. Bruce simply did not #so therefore: anger & rage & pain help him feel #so he deliberately seeks it out #he’s also very awkward at talking to people #not to fucking mention he’s more comfortable talking to people in a professional setting than in an unprofessional one #he has difficulty processing and expressing emotions and just ASSUMES that people know what they mean to him #instead of telling them. this leads to Many communication issues where people around Bruce don’t feel appreciated or loved because he #NEVER FUCKING TELLS THEM AND JUST ASSUMES THEY KNOW! NO THEY DO NOT BRUCE YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO TELL THEM #his exceptionally dry humor is exactly my autistic sense of humor #lightly making fun of friends or lying about stuff obviously with a straight face and deadpan delivery #his nonverbal ‘hnm’s #his hyporeactivity to sensory input and pain are also very telling #his communication issues because he’s on a different wavelength than those around him #i could go on and on and on but that’s all for now #actually autistic

[wigglebox]

i stg if this prequel confirms that dean is in fact not in heave and is in the empty or some other kind of limbo space i’m going to scream bc it’s probably the only time in my entire life that manifesting something for years will pay off for me and the others who speculated since the finale aired that he was not in heaven at all and the story wasn’t over. 

#it was part of my chuck won flavor #some chuck won folk till believed dean was in heaven #i was not that kinda person i hated the idea of him being in heaven and there were too many OFF things #and i didn't want cas to show his face in 'heaven' because if chuck won #i didn't want cas to ever be a confusing thing for dean #like if chuck could just replicate cas who is a beacon of truth and reality for dean and lives off of the narrative #that would make it so dean could never truly trust that he was looking and interacting with the real ca #*cas #and given how anti-chuck-narrative cas as a character is #it would be weird for the narrative to dupe him so easily #THEREFORE #I NEED DEAN #ROWEAN AND CROWLEY PROBABLY MAYBE #EVERYONE everyone would be in the empty #and everyone would be awake #help #spnwin spoilers #spnwin spec #chuck won

[amaraudermind]

YOU'RE SOOOOO RIGHT ABOUT EZRA YOU'RE SO RIGHT IT'S LIKE YOU LOOKED INTO MY HEAD AND WROTE EVERYTHING DOWN

he's so in tune with the force I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS

NO YOU'RE RIGHT HE IS

And it's like. Being in tune with the force is one thing, right? Lots of Jedi are, lots of force users in general are, even!

But like. Okay so Hera mentioned in the pilot that Ezra opening the Holocron being a level of test, right? And it sounded like she and Kanan had discussed before something about him opening the Holocron meaning Kanan would train him.

But that's such a horrible test! In clone wars they specified that you could only open a Jedi Holocron as a Jedi. You had to be so dialed in specifically on the light side of the force.

So walk with me here. Ezra Bridger. He not only has a strong connection to the force. He not only instinctively calls on it without knowing a thing about it. He effortlessly tunes into the light side of the force, like it's as natural as breathing.

"but Void" I hear from the crowd "Ezra also tunes into the dark side of the force"

Indeed. Yes. Correct.

No but just stick with my crazed rambling for a sec okay? Because the dark side is supposed to be the easy path, the one that's so simple to fall into, it calls to force users, I mean, we see that the dark side is exactly that time and again.

I bring this up because. It's not for Ezra. The first time he grasps for the dark side he's in a panic, and it hurts him. It does get them away from the grand inquisitor but it almost doesn't. And the next time? It's after encouragement from Maul, and even then he's having to actively pursue it. He has to try to use the dark side.

And, because I think of this oh so much, when Maul needs him to open the Jedi Holocron--after he's been using the dark side and frequently, mind you--Ezra still can.

And like I have so many more incoherent thoughts about him and his force connection there's just so much he has taken up my entire brain<3

#void answers #star wars #ezra bridger #seriously words cannot encompass the amount of emotions i feel about him #why and how and what #how are you the way that you are ezra bridger #literally i have seen never seen a single other character as confounding as ezra #there are REASONS everyone latches onto this kid #i just feel like when he's actively using the dark side and clearly changed a lot #like. okay sabine says it's still ezra 'sometimes' when we see him using the dark side. #and i don't know. this part i know is more of a stretch but it feels like ezra is less called to the dark side #and more is convinced that it's the way to protect his family in a logical sense. like he has logic'd his way into thinking he NEEDS #the dark side of the force. and therefore it makes sense for him to continue using it wven though it's not natural to him. #it's still him 'sometimes' because he's having to put effort into using the dark side. when he's not trying he's...bouncing back. #and once he found a reasonable argument to NOT use the dark side. to see that it wasn't helping. it was pretty easy to step back again. #i don't know i might have just literally lost my mind from thinking about him too much i am in the middle of yet another watchthrough #we'll see how well my thought processes hold up against seeing it all transpire again #anyway

[floralovebot]

@redemptionarcsucker

NO CAUSE LITERALLY HELIA IS ANYTHING BUT THE POET

I know it would be really easy to assume that Helia is a poet, most obviously due to him actually being a literal poet and yknow. writing poems. Add on that he is genuinely good with his words and it's like! Duh! BUT NO!! A huge part of his character is that he wants to be the poet but he isn't. Helia acts like a poet. He makes a great first impression, he watches people carefully and responds in whatever way will move the situation best, he can be bitterly truthful and secretive all at once. But while that is still part of him, it's also so, so small in comparison to how he feels inside and how he actually acts.

While I have pondered Helia being the soldier, I gravitate much more toward the King. The king archetype is all about the responsibility that you don't want, that you don't deserve, but still feeling so loyal to it that you can't get away. No matter what they truly want in life, the kings will always go back to that responsibility because it's become them, and leaving literally feels like part of them is gone. They believe they have an intense duty to that responsibility and that leaving would make them the worst person in the world. And like,,, anyone with Helia Brain knows that this is him!! It's everything he feels about Red Fountain!!

Being the poet is all about embracing freedom and that's the one thing Helia refuses to do. He can't do it. He feels so intensely loyal to Red Fountain, and now to his friends, that any other option feels like betrayal to him. His own freedom feels like a betrayal. And that's just such a sad king move,,,

#i can definitely get behind soldier but i think more often than not he's the king #one day he'll get to poet :') #winx helia #ANYWAY if you do write a post id love to see!! no pressure obviously but you KNOW i have major helia brain rot #i think... helia can def fit the soldier archetype #not wanting to fight but always having to. learning to protect yourself and others because no one else will etc etc #but i think helia also has a lot of people in his corner. even when he pushes them away they never really leave #when he's alone it's always because he made it so #but a big reason i think he's more of a king than a soldier is that he fights because of that duty #thats not to say that he wouldnt step in and help. obviously he would #but we've seen that when he truly chases his dreams its away from the action #but he always ends up going back because the school and therefore the fighting has become part of him #there was always a sense of duty there and he's spent a lot of time trying to get away from it only to return because he needs it #at this point in canon he has fully resigned himself to being a specialist #i truly believe that if helia didnt have All of that behind him he wouldnt mind being a specialist so much #if it was on HIS terms and not on family legacy or a duty to the school #ough... i am Thinking #its actually so funny cause now that i think about it sky is definitely the soldier

[ladynicte]

Adding Ashely into my pile of ASPD girlies together with Makima

I really think ASPD fits her so well though, like that inability to really connect with others, that inability to stop herself and do things accordingly.

That feeling of never fitting in even though she did have friends, of never being able to be fully liked by anybody else.

The lack of empathy of natural understanding for the direct suffering of others.

ASPD people like Ashley who never manage to become accepted into any group from early age who are too different for anybody else to really like and accept so they have to force their own group into existence or else they won't be able to survive on their own.

So Ashley sees herself forced to keep Andy with herself by all means possible, feels good when they are locked up together and he can't escape her, feels threatened by any other girl who could come into his life and astray him away from her, feels that if she doesn't personally isolate him he will end up running away from her.

Knows that she has to get her brother stuck with her because he's her only social circle and without him she won't make it.

#a very important bit of the ASPD experience is the fact that we are unable to mold ourselves into the normal human experience so we dont #enter into the group and as social animals thats very dangerous therefore ASPD people have got to create and control their own group #that wont abandon them and leave us to our own luck surviving and that's exactly where Ashley's codependency to her brother comes from #she depends on andy to be the only person not to abandon her be in her group and help her survive without him shes doomed #therefore she has got to do anything and everything in her power to make sure he can never get away from her #oh i love this two messed up codependent emotionally incestous siblings so much #the coffin of andy and leyley #Ashley #Andrew #Luna's meta #and #luna's headcanons #as well because Ashley being aspd is a headcanon but her codependency is just canon

[vaugarde]

atlas and quinn's relationship is hard to really put on a family tree but yknow how mlp cant decide if twilight is spike's mom or big sister sometimes and depending on the specific conflict she can be one or the other? just imagine that

#the woes of parentification i guess #the roundabout answer is that atlas did take quinn in when he was still a child and the way he saw it he was just looking after her #til her parents got back. which they never did. but he saw it as an older brother protecting the babies til the parents come home #and when they never did he ended up doing ALL the parental stuff with quinn. with some help occasionally #the only thing he didnt help her with was flying. arial did that because he noticed atlas was struggling to teach her #but besides that he was the one taking care of her meals and bedtime and bathroom training and comfort and lessons #so like. he raised her. therefore hes a father figure. but also hes feels its wrong to call himself that #because hes still so young and he doesnt want to ''take' that role. so he calls himself her older brother #and quinn does too. but she did call him ''dada'' as a small child and she imprinted on him too #so she also sees him as a parental figure #echoed voice #oc posting

[waloeders]

untapped potential of datin joshua is that now im the annoying brother in law to clive so he has to deal with me in a slightly nicer way. like we're friends but i bug him like usual, and he cant be like, "u know what. lets have a fight later. to keep up with ur training ofc :)" he has to be like, "wow. have u told my brother that fact? you should tell him, right now. yeah, right now, im sure hes free, go on!"

#jupiter.speaks #👥.clive #> love this guy hes ridiculous. hes my home boy my rotten pal. i propose a crazy scheme n hes like ya know what? yeah. #> canon game would just be me giving clive like 6 side missions of varying length to do random crap that makes no sense #> well it makes some sense. but itd vary from like 'thisll help the hideaway!' to 'i think thisd really bug otto n therefore cheer him up!' #> anyway. cuddlin joshua gn #> also this is all /lh tbc i think thats communicated but. i never know

[maerrine]

man i am a little bummed about how this means that all this time we thought dazai was struggling for the first time was actually all just faked though. i hope we get to see dazai out of his depth at least once before the end of the series.

#bsd spoilers // #i want to see him show emotion... i wanna see him shocked and desperate... i want him to actually like. Genuinely Struggle for once!! #i'm not too down about it though since we've still got plenty of the manga left and therefore plenty of time for that to happen though. #and every time i think about how we're getting closer to finally finding out about fyodor and how sigma and him are clearly going to keep #being relevant going forward i'm like. :D #i am very easily pleased LMAO #but okay coming back to add more thoughts now that time has passed #don't kill me but i do still struggle with dazai feeling too perfect sometimes. #he does everything right and his actual flaws never lead to anything going wrong/any consequences #and he's always treated as right... i'm like. i want to see this man's flaws. give them to me asagiri!! #luckily it doesn't ruin the series for me and i think the fact that other people are essential in his plans does help with that a bit maybe #but it's my main bsd complaint atm. #...negativity aside though there's still time for asagiri to fix it... i want to believe... #now back to thinking about how much i love sigma <3333333 #god when did i become so attached to bsd's cast. asagiri thank u for my life ;w;

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

five's character suddenly makes a lot more sense when you look at it as a metaphor for a kid indoctrinated into an abusive evangelical church, who has been convinced that hell is real.

[longpost, talk of religious abuse--mainly the evangelical christian variety--after the cut.]

he's convinced that everyone who doesn't comply with the church's rules will go there; that leaving won't save you, because hell will be waiting for you in the end; and that everyone who claims to believe differently is lying and knows better, they're just pretending they don't because they don't like the idea of acknowledging authority in the time they have before hell catches up to them. and as much as he's been taught to be self-righteous and unsympathetic about people who '''choose''' hell, in practice he's the kid who goes around trying to have the 'so have you accepted jesus into your heart' speech with everyone he even remotely cares about, and won't back off about it even though it goes over Absolutely Fucking Terribly and he's being an asshole, because if he doesn't get them to convert when (he thinks) there's any chance they might have done so they will go to hell and it will be his fault.

and like, this adds a lot of layers to his hatred of nine and what he thinks (and in some ways is correct 🙃) that he stands for. but one of the big ones is that as far as he's concerned, nine can and will snipe people to send them to hell out of spite for converting to save themselves. one of the things that made him hate him so much--decide he Needs and Deserves to Die--is that he was told sandor made the decision to comply with the mogs because it was the Smart Thing to Do... and that nine punished him for it by murdering him brutally. and that given half the chance nine would do it to him.

for all he's been indoctrinated to value Having Power Over Other People and Deserving It Because You're Special, at heart five has major just world fallacy going on because he desperately wants to believe that everyone can be safe, and happy, and understand each other. that all that needs to happen for them to have that is to make the right choice. he doesn't actually believe the mogs are inherently Superior; he thinks they have the same fair shot as everyone else and that the only difference is that they will take that shot, and are honest that they're doing so.

whereas what is one of the other big things he hates nine for? the one that fills him with so much rage he has to stop reading about him? the idea that nine is inherently superior to him and the others, and deserves a better life, regardless of any choice they ever could have made.

he's told that the elders saved nine for last because he was strongest, and that the earlier numbers were cannon fodder because they were weak. he's told that he and the lower numbers were forced into hiding, made to suffer, to buy nine a little more time. and he's told that in the event he managed to survive that far, he would be nine's inferior--his servant--because he's a lower number.

five talks about how he's superior and deserves to rule everyone else because he has 'potential,' but it's not about how powerful he is because of his legacies; it's that he thinks he's willing to make the right choice. he thinks the idea of treating someone like they don't have a right to that choice because they're inherently worth less than others is absolutely fucking repugnant. and where the mogs get him is by twisting his idea of what constitutes Everyone Being Happy so far that they convince him their cause, which is doing exactly what he hates most, is the one that's fair.

add onto that that he's terrified of the idea that you can in fact just be completely fucked no matter what choices you make, and just gets more and more invested in coping via denial the clearer it becomes that he is the one who is utterly royally fucked no matter what he does, and... well, you get some real unfortunate end results to say the least. but like, that's where he's coming from.

so to wrap this back around to the evangelism metaphor: if you believe what five believes, the idea of someone being willing and able to do what nine does by sending someone to hell regardless of their own choice would be Existentially Horrifying to begin with! but it also goes against one of five's deepest core beliefs, both reasonable and Unfortunate Coping with Trauma. and when you pile that on top of the immense suffering he's gone through over it, the result is going to be visceral burning hatred.

anyway this post is already Long and i've got a lot more thoughts in me about it, but suffice it to say five absolutely is a metaphor for evangelical trauma, and how victims get weaponized into extensions of their church's abuse. and it's an evangelical survivor's nightmare, because the version of hell he's been taught to base his entire worldview around fearing is objectively real. 🥲

(the real smoking gun here? not only is the Great Book a really obvious analogy for the bible, but the name is a retcon. what was it called before that, while he's evangelizing about it no less?)

(the Good Book.)

(welp.)

#lorien legacies #LL number five #LL number nine #LL sandor #LL tag #cws in post #looking back at the characters and parts of the worldbuilding i got most invested in back in the day i am seeing a Pattern #and that pattern is called It's Religious Trauma All the Way Down #on both an individual and community level #the mogadorians and five /could/ have been a really good raw painful narrative about the grief; ugliness; and difficulty holding onto hope #for the culture you grew up in and the people who escaped it and the people who haven't and the people you couldn't help #and for the people who never wanted any part of it to begin with and are having to suffer for your community's systemic upfuck #it's why rereads have left me increasingly soured on adam; and made me appreciate rex more despite his own moral dubiousness #i thought adam represented grief and hope for the culture and community that traumatized you while refusing to go back to them #and instead he represented violent dehumanizing fuck-you-got-mine hatred and victim-blaming for Every Other Victim #instead of 'i recognize that the work of engaging with the community to help the victims inside of it is important and worthwhile' #'but i cannot be the one to do it because i cannot and will not have that community in my life anymore; therefore i will focus my efforts #on helping and protecting people who are targeted by the community from the outside when internal damage control isn't enough' #his narrative was to pull the ladder up after him; then torture every other survivor for the rest of their existence to atone for their sin #which...... hmmmmm....... sounds familiar.............. #whereas rex represents being able and willing to go back into the burning building as many times as he needs to #because there are children in there #anyway. subject for another post #dyn: lost boys #dyn: but i'm helping you anyway