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sugar-petals · 3 years

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:: random things about boyfriend yoongi

↳ ♡ NOTE I saw this format floating around the fandom and thought it was cool and sweet (just like our honey boy so here it goes) 😊 includes an sfw and nsfw bit, both can be read independently.

words. 3k

SFW

First off, Yoongi is laid-back and casually sexy the way we know him. But he also has spikes of energy where he actually gets a little clingy. Any opportunity he will use to hold hands or jump around like a madman with his gummy smile because he got excited about something that you never could predict would make him so happy. He truly is an epiphany.

He’s your most eager personal chef but funnily enough a little unsettled by onions so you end up helping him. Yoongi hates to be crying in the kitchen because of some evil little vegetable but hey, perfect time and place to spend half an hour huddled together cooking or baking. And Yoongi is secretly longing for a cheesy scene, he finds it romantic when you wipe the tears from his face.

His way of speaking to you is a mix of mumbly Korean, high-pitched pouty cat speak, and old-school English slang phrases that he learned somewhere on social media or award shows back in 2018. Most of the time he takes things seriously but is up for some joking anyway. He is sure to giggle every now and then which is really adorable of him. Yoongi is also the person who gets every nuance of your humor and reacts to it.

After being single, you really have to get used to someone waddling around the house. Like— oh, he’s there! And it’s none other than him! Since Yoongi isn’t noisy when he concentrates on his laptop, it really stands out when he morphs from his unmovable rock-like being to a slow rolling stone headed towards the kitchen from time to time. You have to blink every time. And how could you not look up, he’s walking by with his cutest oversized sweaters and striped fluffy socks.

He cannot hide things that normal people would try to keep secret — because of their own discomfort, but he is good at blocking out things that serve your comfort. I’ll explain what I mean. If you have been keeping up with Yoongi postponing the reveal of his surgery until it was successful, you know what I mean. In short, Yoongi is pretty much an automatic filter for things that disturb you. Knowing the right time and place to inform you is the key. As is disregarding things that don’t concern you as a couple, unnecessary drama and opinions. He’s really good at that without ever trying to sugar-coat the important things because he remains a frank and honest soul.

Yoongi has an easier time giving random presents for simple occasions rather than making a big deal out of traditional festivities. So, big celebrations are often kept simple — unless the rest of BTS is there advocating their ‘a little party never killed nobody’ motto — while Yoongi focuses on getting you something attentive or useful every other day pretty much. He’s still a frugal type, you know him. It’s more about inexpensive things that catch his eye because he heard you likes this or that type of snack or want this or that sofa cushion.

There’s always something new and surprising in the fridge and it’s hardly ever empty because Yoongs takes care of the groceries, really thinking it through. Just personal chef things. Being Yoongi’s partner must be the most destressing thing. He takes responsibility for the worldly things, the ironing clothes and the trash cans. He himself thinks that’s the easiest shit ever and is ready to put time into it (he sees the merit, it drives him) while thinking your side — the sheer act of being in love with him, being there for him — must be hard. Which it isn’t.

Yoongi thinks emotions and relationships are tough and complicated while daily life runs smoothly at the snap of a finger. You think maintenance is a drudgery while love is not the maze your boyfriend assumes it is. Deep down Yoongi thinks he’s unlovable and a bad person, that’s why he believes he doesn’t have the burden but you have. That your affection then blazes past the barriers in Yoongi’s esteem is something that he finds incredible. It catches him off guard there, you burst the bubbles of the flaws he falsely imagines he has.

You bet your ARMY bomb you’re watching cat videos together.

Guess who’s the first person to hear all of Yoongi’s upcoming hit tracks? Even Namjoon gets the first sample ten minutes later. You gotta be really advanced at keeping secrets and avoiding accidental leaks with your phone or something.

Yoongi hesitates with the analogy because it’s a little funny and you’re evidently not a steaming liquid made of beans, but he claims you really are like his daily americano. Makes his every morning better.

Now, in all seriousness. What means the most to him is that you take him how he is and are stable company. Yoongi is afraid of betrayal and stupid games so he has to be sure to have a safe bet going. I think that’s why he fancies marriage, it’s a sign of commitment and some degree of permanence to him. And yes, he is a bit jealous in nature since he’s easily invested in someone with a purity of feeling, almost in a naive way. Yoongi easily idolizes his partner and puts a lot of energy into a bond. He wants to protect that, take the risk, and he has watched for someone who radiates genuine trust and faith. He is sure to have found it in you without any illusions and he is right. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.

Playing the piano for dinner or date night is a must, he practices constantly to advance to a great standard. He secretly finds a lot of satisfaction in you cooing at his skills and melodies. Those ten bony fingers gliding over the keys with such a technicality and focus, and a passion that makes you hold your breath, it’s great to watch.

Did you see that one coming? He will compose and produce a designated mixtape only for you personally. Yes, with a little self-filmed, self-cut music video for the title track.

Now those things never see the light of day, they’re all for you. But what about your couple life once it touches the social realm? As one might expect, Yoongi is very ‘eyes turn narrow’ with people who bring disharmony to your dynamic and the relationship in general. In fact, he is grumpy and disappointed, and should someone give him a reason, distinctly brutal. If someone even attempts to test you or plays manipulative games, Yoongi is relentlessly turning them from the inside out with his words that never miss the mark. They’re efficient. As I said, he hates playing annoying games, he’ll do any shortcut and be Yoongi.

I guarantee you can lean back and will never the fazed by stupid people and time wasters again. No need to lose face. Yoongi does the dirty work and is the best possible defender to have on your side. He handles that. Invasive opinions and useless phrases he will shove right up some trashtalker’s ass and leave. Let’s squarely say he is unafraid to be a armchair critic of your and his haters and doesn’t want any of that nuisance to disturb what you have together. He cuts very quick and makes sure not to get tangled up in trouble.

Yoongi will also debunk a whole bunch of weirdos on weverse asking about your private love while he’s at it. Prepare for some very entertaining snide remarks. Oh my god, so many entitled people will be pissed off. Many will also celebrate him for stepping up. What’s actually important to Yoongi is that nobody taints what is like a treasure to him.

It won’t be hard to overlook that Yoongi is very proud of you as well. He looks confident and revering when he hangs out with the group and you’re somewhere close by, even just doing something trivial.

He’s also pretty touchy, sometimes publically to demonstrate something, but mostly in the relative calm and safety of a hotel room. When the lights are out, all barriers crash, the utter romantic takes over. His favorite types of kisses besides those onto his hands are when you kiss his lashes. And yep. Yoongs is such a cozy little spoon. A very curled up one with cute shooky pajamas on most likely.

Talk about clothes. Believe it or not, Yoongi’s fashion goes through a significant change due to the relationship. He knows that you are touchy and thinks about what kinds of flannels are the biggest cuddle magnet, after all. And oh wonder, he will also show some level of skin when he accidentally hears your praises for his arms and legs and collar bones and glowy skin while talking to a close friend of yours. So, look forward to that in summer (he still dislikes the winter cold and wraps himself into scarves twice his size, mind you) though it’s still for your eyes only, he covers up when going out. Truth be told, he enjoys when you casually touch his skin. Especially the arms. Which hold up the firmament to you, and your world, too, and guard it.

BTS will know about how excited he is about you because he often boasts about for how long you’ve been living together by now. We all know this is Yoongi’s favorite way of bragging and it further shows that loyalty, dedication and longevity is the spice to his every meal.

Yoongi is probably going to quit the bottle because you naturally make him feel at ease and upbeat. In fact, he simply forgets about his wine. I don’t have to convince you that Yoongi will be very immersed in any interaction with you whether that be watching movies or discussing his latest tracks.

Those discussions come with extra back massages for him because he spends a lot of hours in his chair. Especially around the neck, it’s no secret that this is in every cat’s top 3 favorite massaging areas. Yoongi is gonna make some really raspy, sleepy sounds and just melt in your hands. He’s gonna sleep like a baby afterwards every time. Sometimes, he says funny and cute things while he dozes. He looks very content.

Say goodbye to the 21st century adulting annoyances in your life because Yoongi has a grip on those without a word. Those six specific chores that always plague you take him only a dozen minutes and he is eager, the forms to fill out are already sent off, the list of people to e-mail is weeded through. The taxes are paid, the bank account is full, the meals are on the table, garnished to perfection. Roof over the head, and it’s a sturdy one, Yoongi bought a sound haven house to inhabit a lot of happiness for two.

He’s probably the only person who doesn’t see it as a loss of dignity if you want to hold on tight to him during a dentist visit as a grown ass mf. Why all of this? Yoongi cannot not strive to feel needed in his actions. He wouldn’t like himself if he couldn’t contribute something reliable and useful. That you find things worthy of your time is priority. You complement each other, what you think is a waste of energy makes him work and strive and vice versa. That way, in the end all things are taken care of.

Giving is more important than taking in Yoongi’s world. He thinks of everything because he considers it an offense to have you in a pile of duties, that is, if you don’t like ‘em. It’s his form of dedicating his efforts and showing respect. He doesn’t need much in return. The things he expects if at all don’t feel like a duty: Much like he doesn’t consider doing those acts of services for you likewise.

Work horse he is, he needs something on his daily to-do plan. Which includes making you feel unbothered by the occasions of an incoming strict world when it’s getting to you. You’re supposed to do what you feel like doing just like him and not slave away at fifty deeds. That you torture yourself with daily life hassle is the thing he dislikes seeing the most. He enjoys doing these things so he’s happy to get going.

What’s not a daily life hassle: Holly is a big fan of yours. Instant friendship. Just wanted you to know.

He always knows how to preoccupy himself and finds something to improve. Getting on your nerves, and that’s no surprise, is the last thing Yoongi will ever do. In fact, you sometimes have to search for his napping spot because he got lost somewhere in the house.

He either sleeps or works, his philosophy is simple. If you need him, he does appear seemingly out of nowhere. And, he spends as much time with you as you enjoy, not always prioritizing his producing unless it’s urgent or he’s on an inspiration streak. Which is great anyway, you can sit next to him listening. It’s the right balance of work and play.

Yoongi is not above blatantly showing off. Actually, he goes for an act of stunning pretty often. You know how cats parade around whatever they just caught. He wants to impress you with assets and accolades and appraisals, the boy can’t help it. That you only lightly nod at most of it with a little smile will confuse him but he will get the point later on. You wanna signal Yoongi that you anchor your love for him not in shifting numbers and chunky metal pieces.

That you don’t confuse his signs of outward worth and fame with the core of the guy you find the sweetest in the world is very important to him. He will take some time to see through that because he’s used to being loved through status and its symbols by people close and afar.

The way you throw yourself at him to give a big smooch in random situations — especially when he doesn’t feel great about himself— rather than only when he say gets a new car is sending him a message. Again, he has to grow into that. He will retreat at the beginning because he feels worthless of your affection on days where he doesn’t feel big and bold and successful. But since he sees you jumping on him because you need only his kind and squishy presence and see him as no different than usual because he’s always Yoongi underneath, your boyfriend will change his mind about it sooner or later. He learns that your presence makes him feel like a billion dollars yourself.

You don’t wallow in the regrets of other people missing the point of Yoongi and instead focus on always understanding him rather than enabling Yoongi into wrong directions. And there are many of those, his mental health can tell you a thing or two about it. He begins to get that you really know what you’re doing and are in it for the real him which makes him feel really loved far underneath all surfaces and images. You accept his fame and admire his work with music which is what he’s truly doing it for but also don’t forget that the most vulnerable Yoongi is the one that you’re there for and not a facade.

NSFW

I know you’re curious. That Yoongi’s sexual style is more than just interesting goes without saying. To give you an idea. Anything steamy with Yoongi means him taking his time. You know, for making it quality. Yoongi wants to grow into the right balance of activity and staying relaxed. He is good at keeping cool and bringing some focus to the madness. He wants to figure out how to be more casual instead of tense and overly preoccupied which he’ll be at the start of the relationship. But the fast learner he is, his nervousness fades way faster than you think.

Yoongi is extremely afraid that he can’t please you or starts to become awkward slash clueless so he darts to the opposite of the spectrum and overperforms, even plays a character. You have enough cool yourself to tell him what to do in the pace that works best. That he stays centered in his body is important for you to teach him. When he gets grounded and juggling his confidence is out of the equation, he fucks the best.

His favorite position besides giving oral — with you on your back — will be doggy style. Man, we gotta talk about that. Slow to upper moderate pace, nothing too all over the place. Yoongi moans very slowly, too, all drawn out. Get ready for a frequent session of some anal to unwind. You heard that right. First, Yoongi will get the two of you into the right rhythm with his hands at the sides of your waist, then, ride it out in slow mo with his right hand properly stimulating you from the front.

By habit, he will add some lube here and there but not use insanely dripping amounts so everything gets messy or he can’t touch you without sliding off anymore. Just enough to slide well. Yoongi is so good at this I swear, it’ll be your favorite thing to relax. He has the restraint and technique to pull it off rather than pulling out, huh. Yoongi is gonna stay inside you for ages. It feels like he’s massaging every spot for some extra time. It’s amazing to slack off your muscles, cool off, and get many a gentle but fulfilling orgasm.

He’s not gonna put you through the hassle of dealing with an anal creampie cleanup so he keeps it wrapped, and mostly focuses on your movements altogether while keeping his own climax smooth and more relieving rather than something that relentlessly knocks him out in one go. Yoongi is good at observing and doesn’t feel the need to chase a violent high which is why he is so great at sex. Fucking with Yoongi leaves a wholesome feeling and you never feel ashamed or guilty, or a sense of being dirty and ruined.

He enjoys having sex to make you feel really good and works his hands on you very respectfully. His goal is to have you wet and pulsing after a long while of getting you there, and putting you to a good night’s sleep. He’d feel terrible if he left you sore or disturbed. He is really passionate, especially with his kisses or when you ask him to slide into very deeply, but Yoongi being brash and controlling is an image out of sight.

Besides giving you the number one heavenly assfucks, Yoongi also likes to work his tongue as we know, and he’ll work it all over. Few body parts of yours have not made contact with that glorious mouth and I say that in the best of ways. You can instruct him to do whatever, Yoongi obliges with radiant joy. And here again, he takes minutes upon minutes. Kissing and kissing and licking and maybe even teasing once or twice to make you smile. You know, a little signature wink. Honoring your skin and every shape is not something that Yoongi has to talk about, he will physically show it and I swear it’ll finally get into your head with every little move, Yoongi has totally surrendered his tongue to your body and worships it.

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morningfears · 3 years

Text

This is Now

Rating: PG-13 (partying, drinking, weed a few mentions of anxiety)

Summary: Inspired by Wish You Were Sober by Conan Gray. Set in 2015. Calum has leaned into the party scene just a little too heavily. He’s no longer the boy that you fell in love with and you’re tried of the rollercoaster of emotions.

Word Count: 4.3k

2015

The house at the top of the hill was fully illuminated, windows glowing with multicolored lights disturbed only by the silhouettes of partygoers passing by, and seemed to glow even brighter in contrast to the darkness that surrounded it. You could already feel the bass reverberating through your body the moment your feet touched the ground and it made you bite back a heavy sigh as you shut the car door behind you.

You stared up at the house, one you’d never been to but still caused a dreadful feeling of deja vu to wash over you, with parted lips in a vain attempt to keep yourself from frowning. You could barely hear the sound of the driver’s side door shutting over the noise, even from your parking spot near the street, and you felt a headache beginning to form behind your eyes as you waited for Calum to round the vehicle and grab your hand.

This was routine now, a typical night in your life, but you desperately wished it wasn’t. You could think of a million places that you’d rather be, none of which were located in the Hollywood Hills. The thought of attending another party, while it had all seemed so glamorous and fun at first, now made you feel sick.

“You okay?”

Calum’s voice cut through the mild nausea that churned in the pit of your stomach and you nodded, swallowing back the words that threatened to spill past your lips like bile. “Yeah,” you said, instead of what you truly wanted to say, “I’m good.”

You couldn’t meet his eyes as you lied to him, your words barely audible over the noise. You didn’t even bother to force a smile this time. It wasn’t as if he was really looking at you, anyway.

In the beginning of your relationship, back when this was all so new and date night meant burgers and fries and cheesy movies you didn’t actually watch, he would’ve pressed. He would’ve admitted that he knew you were lying and brought a hand to cup your cheek, palm warm against your skin, to encourage you to look him in the eye. He would’ve asked what was bothering you, what he could do to make it better. He would’ve poked your sides, desperate to get a genuine smile to your lips instead of the frown that had seemingly become permanent. He would’ve been earnest, sweet, loving.

But that was then and this is now.

Now, Calum didn’t press. He didn’t ask if you were sure. He didn’t ask if you wanted to leave the party and go get ice cream. Instead, he nodded, satisfied with your lack of protest, and leaned in with the intent to press a kiss to your lips. Before he could, you turned your head and mumbled, “Cigarette breath,” as his lips pressed to your cheek.

He rolled his eyes, no longer amused by your protests when he smoked, but took your hand in his to guide you up the path to the party that awaited you both.

You sometimes forgot that you’d encouraged it at first. That, once upon a time, this had all been fun. It was novel, exciting, something new.

But that was then.

You were both barely eighteen when you met, only months apart in age, and it was like something out of a daydream. You and Calum were both brand new to life without parents controlling your every move and even newer to life in a city like Los Angeles. You were a college student, looking to get a degree and a job, while he was a budding rockstar, looking to make a name for himself.

You were worlds apart, connected only by your age and your schoolyard crushes on one another, but that hadn’t stopped either of you in the slightest.

Your meeting was by chance, a happy accident that made you think the universe was finally giving you what you wanted - if only just this once - and you’d never actually tell him but you still had the t-shirt he ruined, coffee stains and all, buried in the back of your closet. He had been sweet, sincere and soft as he apologized with red cheeks and rushed words. His eyes had burned into yours, earnest and shining with the promise of a beautiful future, as he ignored his friends, all of whom were laughing at him, to help you clean coffee from your arms.

It was something out of a movie, cheesy and cute, but it had been the start of something beautiful.

Your dates were casual, something your mother would’ve deemed appropriate for your age but your friends teased you for, and you managed to avoid being spotted by fans and the few photographers that knew his name. You went for walks, to movies, bowling, for ice cream whenever he was in town and you weren’t drowning in homework.

It was easy, the kind of first love you’d always hoped you’d have, until things changed.

You didn’t begrudge the boys their success. You, like their friends and families, were firmly in their corner and cheered for them every step of the way. They deserved what they got, what they worked so hard for, and you were there to congratulate them on each win.

You know now that you’d been naive, desperately clinging to the notion that everything would remain the same even as their fanbase and name recognition grew larger and larger. It had been stupid of you to think that there wouldn’t be at least a few changes but you did your best to embrace them, glad that Calum was bringing you along for the ride when he could’ve easily left you in the dust.

The boys weren’t the most social when you first met, content with keeping to themselves in the house that they were renting. They didn’t have friends in LA, unsure if they’d be there long enough or fit in well enough to venture outside their own comfort zone, but that seemed to change faster than anything else as the success became more apparent.

They were, like you had been, unused to being the center of attention. It was strange, finding strangers that wanted to spend time with them - even if you know now that it was only because of what they could offer said strangers - but it happened suddenly. If they weren’t being invited to a dinner, it was to a club, and if not a club, a house party. They were hesitant at first, unsteady in a new environment, but they quickly fell into the new life they were living.

They took to it easily, happily, and, like the other changes before this one, Calum made sure you were by his side for it all.

You enjoyed it all at first. Partying with celebrities - even if they were B-List and desperate for a few paparazzi photos to get a little publicity - was an experience you never thought you’d have. It was thrilling, almost overwhelming, but you enjoyed the excuse to get dressed up on the weekend and spend the night dancing with Calum.

It was an occasional thing, once or twice a month, with plenty of dates interspersed to keep you and Calum happy with the amount of time you actually got to spend together without the interruption of strangers. He still practically lived in your dorm, a fixture so common that none of your hall mates even blinked at his presence, and you still felt a thrill whenever he took you home after a party and kissed you in front seat of his car.

But then the parties grew more frequent and the dates in between them grew fewer and farther between.

At first, you found yourself willing to do whatever was necessary to keep Calum happy. He was stressed, you understood that, and if letting off a little steam at a party helped him wind down, you wouldn’t begrudge him that. But it was as if your sweet boyfriend had disappeared and been replaced by someone you didn’t even know.

You were both only nineteen, on the cusp of adulthood, but he was acting twenty-five and rushing his life away.

He called things you both loved, dates you’d once adored, childish and scoffed at the notion of going bowling or to see a movie. He started smoking, the cigarettes a permanent fixture in the pocket of his ripped jeans, and rolled his eyes when you told him that they’d wreck his voice. He was obsessed with fitting in, with being a part of a life he’d once made fun of, and making stupid decisions that worried you.

You could see through him. You could see that he was still the same insecure, eager nineteen year old that you knew, but he put on a brave face and wore a proud mask as he mingled with the crowd.

You’d spent months begging him to take a few nights away from the party scene, to sober up and go camping with you or to Disney for a weekend. You complained that the parties were shit, that they were nothing compared to the ones you used to go to, and he’d told you to stop complaining or stop accompanying him on nights out.

The harshness of his words, the way he’d refused to even listen to your desire, had you on edge. It had only been a week, seven days since the first real fight you’d ever had, and the ground felt shaky beneath your feet as you followed him into yet another party. You wished, desperately, that he’d end the night early and sober. You wished that he’d take you home and wrap you in his arms, face buried in your neck and hands tracing patterns over your skin as you talked about nothing and everything.

But you knew that that wasn’t going to happen.

Because that was then and this is now.

You felt exhausted, tired of the rollercoaster of emotions he’d put you through in only a matter of months, and refused as a man you didn’t know but Calum seemed to offered you a drink.

“This party’s shit.”

Calum’s words cut through the din surrounding you, his tone annoyed and his shoulders slumped. He’d blown off a different party with the boys for this one and it seemed to be far less exciting than he was promised now that you were actually inside. You agreed with his sentiment but you didn’t want to make matters worse by asking him to leave.

So instead of agreeing, instead of asking him to take you home, you shrugged and took a cursory glance around the room.

Strangers were packed together, bodies moving off beat as the music streamed through speakers scattered around the room. The lights pulsed, even more off beat than the dancers, and the flashing made you nauseous as blue light washed over a sea of seemingly identical faces. The entire house reeked of weed, the scent strong and off-putting, and you fought the urge to cover your nose as you took measured breaths in an attempt to acclimate yourself.

Calum was right; this party was shit.

As was becoming standard routine for the both of you, the fact that the party was substandard and neither of you particularly liked - or really knew - anyone lingering about the room didn’t deter Calum from grabbing a drink and falling into a conversation.

He was attentive, his eyes on the man who’d attempted to hand you a drink, as his arm settled over your shoulders. You felt like a piece of furniture, a fixture for him to rest on rather than a figure for him to pay attention to, and fought the overwhelming urge to throw his arm off of you and climb out the open window in the corner. It wasn’t the most practical option - the front door was right there and stood wide open - but you imagined Calum wouldn’t notice if you slipped out the window.

Though part of you, the more cynical part that had seemingly taken over during the course of the week, wondered if he’d even noticed if you walked straight out the front door. And if he did, would he care?

You knew that you weren’t being fair because, at the end of the day, he wasn’t holding you here. You could leave, walk away from the rollercoaster of emotions he’d put you on. You could walk away from a lot of things in your life, even. You could request an extension from a professor without upsetting the rest of the class. You could skip a class and not delay anyone else’s education.

You were free to do as you pleased, to move as you wished, and you were the only one that would have to face the consequences. Calum, on the other hand, couldn’t. He had the boys to worry about, the fans, his family; anything he did could cause a domino effect and you understood that he was simply looking for something he could control.

But rationality did little to alleviate the nausea churning in the pit of your stomach.

You were afraid that if you stood in the corner, surrounded by the scent of weed and alcohol and too much perfume, you’d say something that you’d regret. You were afraid that you’d start crying or, worse, vomit on Calum’s shoes. So you took a deep breath and nudged Calum’s side. “I’m going to find the bathroom. I’ll be back.”

Calum barely acknowledged your words - and you were grateful this time, glad that he couldn’t hear the wobble in your voice, or, at least, hadn’t seemed to notice. He pressed a quick peck to your temple, his eyes never leaving your companion, before his arm fell from your shoulders to rest at his side.

You left him there, amid the crowd, and ascended the stairs two at a time.

Your breathing was growing shallow, harder to control, as you realized that there were still little things about Calum that remained just as you’d always known them. There were still glimpses of the boy you’d fallen in love with but that was all they were, small fragments of the past that no longer seemed to matter.

Some of the things about him still made your heart race, despite not knowing where you really stood anymore or how you really felt about the person he was becoming. The way that he was still physically affectionate, his arm around your shoulders or waist at any chance he got, and the way that he didn’t mind being in photos together so long as he could half-hide himself behind you and press his face into your neck. He still kissed you goodnight in the front seat of his car, one hand on your thigh and the other on your cheek. He still pressed his lips to your temple or forehead, a soft pressure that bid you goodbye when he didn’t want to say the words.

But part of you wondered if that was because it was comfortable, muscle memory at this point.

Your lungs burned with the effort it took to breathe as you slipped into an empty bedroom and shut the door behind you. You slid down the door and sat there, back pressed against the hardwood, as you willed yourself not to cry. With your knees pressed to your chest, your arms wrapped around them, you reflected on the state of your relationship.

It hurt, thinking that Calum was just going through the motions rather than actively playing a part in your relationship as he once had, but when he spent more of his time with strangers - a cup in one hand and a cigarette between his lips - than he did with you, it was bound to happen.

Sure, you were by his side most nights. You never had to wonder if he was sleeping with someone else or if he was actually out getting wasted - you saw it for yourself, nearly every night - but there was little solace in that. You were like a favorite accessory or a piece of clothing tugged on for comfort, maybe just out of habit. You no longer seemed to play an active role in Calum’s life and you found that you were just as guilty as he was of going through the motions.

Your boyfriend was disappearing before your very eyes and you were just watching him go.

You sat there, back aching as you remained hunched against the door, for far too long. Your eyes remained trained on the hardwood floor beneath you as you thought through everything you hadn’t allowed yourself time to consider. It was hard, reflecting on what had gone wrong and how you’d contributed to it just as much as he had, but it had to be done.

You couldn’t take it anymore, sitting on a rollercoaster of emotions wondering when things would derail or if you’d ever get a chance to get off.

The last thing you wanted to do was leave Calum - you loved him; that much you knew for certain - but you couldn’t seem to find any alternatives. He didn’t seem to be interested in hearing what you had to say, in understanding what you were feeling, or playing an active part in the relationship anymore. He wasn’t ready to move on, to return to some semblance of balance, but you were.

You felt lighter, the weight of the world no longer seemed to be sitting on your shoulders, as you stepped back into reality. A wall of noise hit you as you descended the stairs but you didn’t mind it. You were resolved, steeled to do what needed to be done, and only hoped that Calum wouldn’t wish you ill because of it.

You hoped that one day he’d be able to look back and realize he’d gotten swept away in it all. You hoped that he’d be able to realize that you’d done what you had to. You hoped that he’d live to see that day, at least.

You floated the idea of just leaving, of disappearing without another word and crawling out a window into the night air, but you knew that you couldn’t. He deserved a proper goodbye, even if you didn’t feel strong enough to give it.

You waited at the edge of the living room, your arms folded over your chest, and watched as Calum traded drinks with a girl that neither of you knew. A month ago, you would’ve chastised him. You would’ve told him that he shouldn’t take drinks from strangers but you knew that it would fall on uncaring ears.

So, this time you said nothing. You crossed the living room and settled against his side, holding yourself silent and stead as his arm curled around your waist.

“Get lost?”

His words were slurred, his accent almost impossible to understand, but you’d expected that. You wished he was sober, that he would’ve taken the night off and at least paced himself, but that never seemed to happen anymore. He had a half smile on his lips, looking plenty amused with his on joke, and you bit back a heavy sigh as you shook your head. “There was a line.”

He didn’t question it, didn’t seem to ponder what line would’ve taken hours, and nodded. He was far enough gone to not realize how much time had passed and you were thankful for that as you watched him sway to some awful pop remix that you were sure he’d laughed at in the past. You moved a little closer to him, soaking in the last moments you’d spend with his arms wrapped around you, and waited for the right time to ask him to leave.

Calum, however, beat you to the punch. Before you could even begin to think about phrasing your request, he shoved his keys into your hands. “Wanna take me home?”

You were grateful that even in his altered state, he knew better than to get behind the wheel. You took the keys from him, nodded, and sighed as he pressed a kiss to your cheek before turning his attention to the people you’d spent your night with. It was barely coherent goodnight, the words seeming to get stuck in his throat, but they were far enough gone that nothing seemed amiss. They returned the gesture, even bidding you a goodnight, before their focus returned to the last of the liquor.

Getting Calum into the car was always a challenge. Sometimes, you could count on the guys for help. Even drunk, they seemed to be able to handle dragging Calum to the front seat before settling into the back themselves. Alone, it seemed an impossible task. You were sure that anyone watching would assume you were just as drunk as Calum as you stumbled down the driveway, his arm around your waist and a cigarette in his free hand, but this was just another piece of your nightly routine.

Time seemed to pass in a blur as you drove him home. There was silence, neither of you reached to turn on the radio, and neither of you seemed to notice. Calum chain smoked, one cigarette after another disappearing into the night, and you did your best to breathe only when there was a moment without nicotine swirling through the front seat.

You reached his house far quicker than you thought you would, a little disappointed that this chapter of your life was now so close to being over. You weren’t sure that he’d remember this in the morning, you weren’t sure if you’d have to go through it all again tomorrow when he was hungover and annoyed at the world just for existing, but you hoped it’d be easier the second time.

As you put the car into park, Calum turned his head to face you. He flicked his cigarette out the window and unbuckled his seatbelt before leaning over and brushing his fingers over your cheek. “You look nice tonight. I don’t think I told you that.”

He hadn’t and you’d have been lying if you said his words didn’t make your heart ache.

It was always like this. The drunker he got, the sweeter he got. His words, soft and slurred, reminded you of the boy you fell for and you felt your resolve cracking. It was harder than you imagined, leaving when he was looking at you like you were the one who hung the moon and the stars, but it had to be done.

“I love you.”

It was the first time he’d said the words in weeks, the same three words that made your knees weak and your heart pound dripping like honey past his lips. They were the clearest words he’d spoken in hours, as if he knew they were what you needed to hear, and you offered him a watery smile. “I know.”

He returned it with half-lidded eyes and leaned over the console to press his lips to yours. The kiss was soft, a whisper amidst the raging chaos of your internal dialogue, but it felt like you were burning alive. He touched you as if you were made of glass, fragile and liable to break at any moment, but the damage was done. You knew this wouldn’t last, it was a fleeting moment of the past.

A few months ago, you would’ve told yourself that Calum was still the same boy you fell in love with. But that was then and this is now.

He broke the kiss first to press his forehead to yours. His eyes remained closed, his breathing ragged and his cheeks tinted pink, as yours opened and you committed his face to memory. You wanted to remember him as he was, the good-hearted boy who’d shown you more about love than you ever imagined he would. His smile, his eyes, the way he kissed you; they were the good things, the things that made you wish you could just stop thinking and fall into his arms.

But the scent of cheap beer and cigarettes rolling off him in waves, those were the bad things. They were the things that made you wish he was sober and realize that you needed to leave before it was too late.

“Come on. It’s late, you should get to bed.”

Calum was quiet as you helped him out of the car. He didn’t say a word as you unlocked the door, only stopping you to press another kiss to your lips after you turned the key. “Stay with me,” he whispered, his eyes focused on you as he lingered in the threshold.

“I can’t.”

He was drunk, swaying on his feet, but he knew you well enough to know that you weren’t just talking about spending the night. “This is it?”

“Yeah, Cal. This is it. I’m sorry.”

“I know. Me, too.” He paused, his eyes focused on your face and shining with unshed tears, before he added, “I wish you’d stay.”

You offered him a wry smile, one hand reaching out to brush his cheek. “And I wish you were sober. I’ll see you around, Calum.”

He made no move to reply, his words dying on his lips as he watched you disappear down the sidewalk. You could feel his eyes on your back, his stare burning your skin, until you rounded a corner and felt like you were able to breathe once more. Without the weight of his gaze on your skin, you gripped a lamppost and attempted to catch your breath.

It was over; you’d gotten off the rollercoaster. But you left behind the boy you loved.

Once upon a time, you’d have never left him behind. But that was then.

And this is now.

_____________________________________________

Author’s Note: Hey-o. I haven’t written shit in, like, months. I’ve been so burnt out and depressed and panicky but, well, I’ve wanted to write this since maybe March? So, here you go. I hope you like it. Likes and reblogs and comments make a writer happy. Also very weird to think that Cal and I were 19 in 2015. Fuck, it’s been a long ass 5 years.

#5sos imagine #calum hood imagine #calum hood x reader #5 seconds of summer imagine #calum hood x you #mine

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akatsuki-shin · 3 years

Text

Review: 默读 Mò Dú (Silent Reading)

Notes:

(Very) long post ahead

Contains spoiler

This is my personal review and does not represent the entire audience, you are free to agree or not agree with what I’ve written here

Feel free to reply/send me a message if there are things you want to discuss

Using the Donghua poster because it fits the overall story more than the Audio Drama cover. :'))

Summary:

Yan City is a bright, bustling metropolis filled with all sorts of wonders, all sorts of people. From the richest occupying the city's most prestigious residential areas to the poorest huddling together in rundown slums, from the most fortunate blessed with a life of comfort to the wretched deemed to struggle until their last breath, from the virtuous walking in the path of light to the wicked lurking under the cover of darkness.

There is as much good as there is evil, and days gone by, people coming and going along with the passage of time.

Since their first meeting during a certain case seven years ago, Captain of the City Bureau's Crime Investigation Unit Luo Wenzhou thought he would never see eye to eye with Fei Du, son of a well-known conglomerate who inherited his father's position and wealth after the latter fell into comatose due to a near-fatal accident three years ago.

Words as sharp as knives dyed their bitter exchanges, even their personality was like the heaven and earth; the bold, blunt, and straightforward Luo Wenzhou - and the astute, secretive Fei Du, with his beautiful peach blossom eyes and a smile that is not quite a smile seducing countless people, his very presence seems as if it was covered under layers and layers of deceit.

Every single time they meet, they would always part on bad terms. Yet Luo Wenzhou would never have thought that a seemingly ordinary murder case of an ordinary deliveryman would lead him into the mystery of multiple long forgotten unsolved cases, turning over the Yan City and the City Bureau itself upside down, making him question his faith to those he respected and trust - and along with it, opening a door to the truth of Fei Du's past never once known to others.

STORY: 9/10

At first glance, the overall plot of Silent Reading seems neither extravagant nor exceptional. It's just one of those police drama where the main leads had to wrestle in a battle of wits with the villains looming around them, struggling to outsmart each other and eventually, bringing justice to those who deserve it.

But that is exactly what is so good about it. Silent reading could take all of those cliche and packed them into one nerve-wrecking, enticing journey from start to finish, complete with both intense and amusing interactions, and just the right amount of romance that does not disturb the flow of the main story.

And it actually does have its own uniqueness.

In most police dramas I've ever seen, the enemy is usually either a corrupt high-ranking official committing some hideous criminal acts by abusing their authority, or an individual/group with some very extreme values or obsession. Silent Reading, however, have both of those two most general types of villains in the story and what's more? It pits them against each other, pulling around and forcing the main leads to wreck their brains, slowly unravel the tangled mess until the truth finally comes to light.

The action and suspense, the atmosphere, the analysis, everything was almost impeccable to the point of perfection.

I have to especially give my kudos to how the author (Priest) structured the mystery in such a way, connecting one dots to the other from beginning to end. During the first few cases, I thought the resolution of the case didn't feel very solid, as if there are still some details that have yet to be properly elaborated. Yet halfway through, I realize that there is actually a bigger plot that encompass everything, tying all loose ends together.

And here, I would also like to highlight my two most favorite scene.

The first one is in Chapter 114-115 when Luo Wenzhou finally peeled of Fei Du's defense and for the first time exposed his true feelings, making Fei Du faced and spoke what he truly felt for Luo Wenzhou - that he really, actually did care for him. Their entire interactions and development up to this scene fits so well with these two main characters. There was no nonsense, no sappy crying and needless drama. Luo Wenzhou was as blunt as he was desperate and Fei Du, for once, admitted to the truth straight out with his own mouth.

The second one is in Chapter 157. In this case, one of Fei Du's most trusted men and an extremely important witness (that would later become their ally) were being chased and surrounded by thugs hired by their enemy. At this point of the story, the City Bureau was already in turmoil. Luo Wenzhou was suspended, nobody knows who they could or could not trust. Yet still, his subordinates all set out swiftly under his command and followed him to save the two witnesses, appearing at the most critical time.

It was actually a typical scene that exist in many police action drama, but given the development of the story, the well-built character relationship and interactions, I think it is Luo Wenzhou's coolest scene in the entire story and it makes me admire him a lot as the main lead and a leader figure.

One thing that does not quite sit well with me is Fan Siyuan's obsessiveness towards the late Gu Zhao. His motive for the crime was clear and I understand that he was using Gu Zhao's case as an example of injustice. But his extreme emotions whenever Gu Zhao was mentioned seems strange, even baseless. It makes me think whether he considers Gu Zhao as his own family or he was maybe madly in love with Gu Zhao, whereas in the entire story, unless I'm missing something, I have only ever known that Gu Zhao was Fan Siyuan's student - nothing more, nothing less.

CHARACTERS: 9/10

Silent Reading has a balanced, yet still very much appealing casts, from the major characters to the minor ones. Even the suspects and witnesses each had their own distinguishing features that didn't make them look like they were just there as canon fodders.

The composition of Luo Wenzhou's team itself is ideal; they've got the dependable leader, the smart advisor, the best friend and trustworthy right-hand man, the genius nerd, and the dependable aide.

I especially like Tao Ran (and I think most readers would agree with me). While he looks like the typical good guy type, he really, truly is a very good person. It's hard not to find him lovable. His relationship with Chang Ning was as cliche as it could get, but hey, as long as he's happy. Dude deserve it after everything he's done.

As for the two main leads, they are probably one of the most interesting couple I've found in the past few years.

Individually, Luo Wenzhou is the type of character I always like. He is confident to the point of having a narcissistic streak, but all of those are based on real talents and experiences. He speaks bluntly, but he cares for others through his action. He does not sugarcoat things and speaks the truth for what it is. Everything about him simply screams "reliable" as a leader (and a significant other to a certain someone). He deserves all of the respect and loyalty his subordinates gave to him.

Fei Du at first looks like a complex character whose real self is hidden beneath countless coats of pretense, but at the core, he is just a pitiful young man who does not know how to value himself, does not know how to love and be loved due to the abuse he suffered during childhood in the hands of his sadistic father. Despite his composure, his intelligence, his capability, he is almost like a lost little child, wandering in the darkness, going wherever the flow would take him until Luo Wenzhou pulled him out of that abyss. It is nothing less than commendable that he could restrain himself from succumbing into his father's manipulation, even if he has to correct himself through such extreme means for a long time.

And I'm glad that now he has someone who gives him the love he has long since been bereft of.

With Luo Wenzhou, Fei Du finally has a color in his life, someone to make happy memories with, and someone who genuinely love him for who he is. Likewise, with Fei Du, not only Luo Wenzhou got someone he could genuinely care for, he also finally has a place where he could relax, taking off the strong front he'd been putting before others all day long.

It was just so fulfilling to see two characters growing from "cat and dog" into inseparable lovers. They weren't sickeningly sweet, but just two people who are content with each other and would be each other's strength. I was especially happy when I saw how Fei Du changed his phone's ring tone into the one Luo Wenzhou in the extra chapter.

Now that I've finished reading this story, these two straight up went to the top of my all-time most favorite pairing list. But of course, this is just a personal opinion. Luo Wenzhou and Fei Du simply hits all of my favorite tropes, that's why. 😂

If I really have to point out one mini flaw, I suppose it's that the main villains aren't as appealing as the rest of the casts. They were practically overshadowed, even by some minor characters that only appeared for a short while.

TECHNICAL ASPECTS: 9/10

Just some very minor complaints:

1). When the story first introduced Fei Du in the beginning, it felt kind of abrupt. The narration had only been addressing him with his physical appearance, but suddenly they changed it into "Fei Du" with barely any proper start.

2). The international conference in Yan City (Chapter 2) was supposed to be a background information of the general setting of the first case, yet it was not properly mentioned at the start - rather, one sort paragraph about said conference was simply being slipped in the middle just for the sake to be there.

3). The switching of scenes between characters in the 3rd person POV are sometimes too quick with no signs of incoming transitions beforehand like taking shortcuts.

And by that, I mean that other than those three issues above, everything else was nothing less than perfect.

OVERALL SCORE: 9/10

A realistic story with perfectly balanced action, mystery, suspense, and romance - with a dash of comedy sprinkled at the right time and place.

Reading the novel from start to finish was nothing less than enjoyable. Whenever there needed to be a flashback or explanation, it didn't feel like info dump being thrown in all of a sudden.

I would like to point out a bit about the Zhou Conglomerate Case in Book 3.

Personally speaking, I think this is the most realistic case out of the others, and by that, I don't mean the crazy rich family drama.

The other cases in the books are something that to me feels "faraway"; murders, child trafficking, psychopath, organized criminal gangs. Yet in Book 3, due to the nature of the case, it was posted publicly for all to see, and damn if it didn't bring out the most annoying thing I actually hate in real life.

Clout-chasing media, meddlesome netizens commenting without thinking on the Internet, spreading personal information of the involved individuals without consent, handing down judgment based on rumors and personal opinions even if they have nothing to do with it (and know nothing about it), crashing the website due to mere curiosity, further hindering the police working on the case from doing their job.

They weren't thinking about those actually involved in the case, especially the victim. They don't care, or maybe don't even think that their meddlesome acts could cost a human's life because they see everything as mere passing entertainment. And if something were to happen because of their meddling, the most they would say is, of course, as quoted from Chapter 72:

"I didn't do it on purpose"

"I wasn't doing it to you"

"I didn't expect this to be the outcome"

"From a certain point of view, I'm a victim, too"

Even if I was just reading a fiction, at that moment I truly wished I could shut down the Internet for a bit. 😂

Anyway, amazing story. I might re-read everything from the start again when I have some free time.

#Mo Du #Silent Reading #Luo Wenzhou #Fei Du #ZhouDu #Review #Danmei #Priest

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fenristheorem · 3 years

Note

Lance finding out that Gardienne killed herself? After a while of her being in the HQ again, he has fallen in love with her. She just couldn't bear those seven years, having lost that many people and being here just to save this world by suffering.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he knocked her door, he worried bc no one answered, and he finds her hanged up.

I know this is really specific, it's just kind of my OC ending😅😅 anyway, I'd understand if you weren't comfortable with this.

So I’m going to talk about the boundaries of what I write for a moment, starting by saying that I will write this BUT I won’t write detailed suicide scenes due to the sensitive nature of it.

This ask isn’t asking for a detailed scene, it’s asking for the effects the decision has on Lance, and because it’s asking for the long-term effects and not a scenario I’m just fine with writing this.

Thank you for asking this, Anon, genuinely. Being this specific was probably what gave me the push to write this in the end because I know you were looking for the reaction and not the actual scene. This is a good example of a post that walks along the lines of what I will and won’t write so anyone requesting future asks with a similar subject gets a better idea of what to ask.

Also, I apologize for how long this took to write. This ask was, unfortunately, the one that spent the most time eaten in my drafts folder so I couldn’t work on it until about a week ago. Fortunately that gave me a lot of time to think over how to best write this, so I think this’ll be appropriately written considering the subject.

*Warning / Note: This post contains heavy depressive themes and suicidal mentions, as evident by the ask and what I wrote above. I’m aware that this is a very sensitive subject and I intend to treat it with appropriate seriousness. This is not a happy post, please only read this if you know this won’t lead you down a dark path. To me, writing is another form of art, meant to express and draw out emotions from the audience, so I won’t subside the intensity of my writing even with this being a sensitive subject. I don’t intend to drive anyone to harm themselves, but I do intend to write with the intensity that I always do because this is my artform; so please prepare for heavy themes or don’t read if you’re not comfortable with this. On a side note: I care about everyone, I really do, so please take care of yourselves. If you’re feeling depressive or suicidal, talk to someone, please. There is always someone who cares about you.

Technically Guardienne's death may have a major adverse effect on Eldarya due to her link with the crystal, but for the sake of this ask I'll ignore any possible effects like that.

~Under the cut~

Lance’s reaction to Guardienne’s suicide:

Lance had seen a lot of terrible things in life and had done many terrible things in his life, but this reached a new type of fucked up for him. Not because it's truly disturbing - although it is deeply disturbing - but because it fucked him up even more in a way that he neither thought could be possible nor that he could bear.

He’s convinced that he’s cursed; everything that’s happened to him has been his fault. He started the war within Eldarya, destroyed so many faeries’ lives, killed his own brother, and now the woman he loved is dead because of him as well. Sure, he wasn’t the one to tie the rope around her neck, but there are signs for these sorts of things. Was he truly that blind that he couldn’t see that she was in pain? Did he ever truly love her if he couldn’t see the pain? Would she have done anything differently if he wasn’t there to constantly remind her of everything that was lost?

Lance believes he deserves this. He’s caused so much pain and agony for everyone, it only makes sense that he should be the one in pain now. Lance won’t try to fight the agony he’s in, he’ll let himself drown in it for nights on end to wake up - or not even sleep to begin with - feeling exhausted, reckless, irritated and - overall - worthless. He’s sure to emerge from his room in the morning without the slightest hint that he’s been sobbing quietly with the feeling of a dagger twisting itself over and over within his chest all night, and he’ll refuse to answer any questions about if he’s alright after the recent events. He was the one to find her after all; it would make sense that he was hit the hardest...

In the daytime he’ll be rough and withholding, keeping the Obsidian guard in a tight hold to reflect how he needs to hold himself tightly to keep from falling apart. It’s one thing for him feel and express emotions, but this feeling is an entirely different thing; this is something that should not be released into Eldarya. He realizes it and knows that this feeling - something that he recognizes all too well from his past - threatens to destroy everything that he worked so hard to gain in the past seven years.

Mathieu will notice Lance’s change in temperament immediately, and being the kind man he is he’ll want to be there for the dragon, but Lance won’t be looking for comfort; he’ll be looking for something that will change the past and take back everything that happened. But that’s impossible - he knows that - and so he’ll be stuck in a state of limbo, deemed to mourn for his unknown, unrealized love until... something happens to change him.

Ice cold fear will wash over him some days as he recognizes the familiar feeling that haunted him in the past, and while he’ll be aching to reach out to lean on someone for support - afraid of this feeling overwhelming him again - he’ll feel that he can’t lean on anyone. He doesn’t deserve that support at this point after all he’s done, and there’s so many others who are busy grieving; the guard needs him to be strong now. However, on occasion - when he has a clear mind - he’ll grieve gently with someone who’s somewhat close to him, sharing kind memories of Guardienne and gently advising them to spend time around friends if his co-worker feels it’s needed. He’ll never completely break in front of anyone though, he can’t bring himself to.

However, Lance falls apart immediately when he’s alone, sometimes even lingering in the conference room for a few minutes after a meeting to allow himself the private time alone to recollect himself. Grief will randomly hit him throughout the day, constricting his throat, burning his chest, and glassing over his eyes - and every time he’ll excuse himself from his company to isolate himself until he regains control again. This, of course, is taken into notice by a few others around the guard, and slowly there’ll be people who realize that Lance is not fine.

This becomes a further issue over time as his grief slowly turns into anger and disgust, and this is when that familiar, ominous feeling from his past really rears it’s ugly face. He should have seen something. Was he really that terrible to her that she felt she couldn’t trust him? Was everyone really that blind to not see her hurting?

Lance finds that he begins to choose to isolate himself, mentally and physically. He’ll leave the guards members alone that have stated they need time off, but he won’t be very forgiving with those who have chosen to continue their work but seem to be slacking. His mentality is that if you can’t handle continuing on, then don’t offer your service as it’ll become a hindrance, and this quickly becomes a major issue.

Huang Hua - knowing how important Guardienne was to Eldarya, and the guard especially - has let it be known that if anyone needs a break from their responsibilities, then it’ll be allowed, but she will stress that those who feel they can continue to function please try to do so, and be lenient and take on a few responsibilities that aren’t usually asked of them if they feel they can. She can read other’s auras and sense intentions and emotions of sorts, so she can generally get a good read on how someone is doing, but she can’t consistently do that with everyone, so while she’ll use this ability when necessary to enforce that someone take a break so they don’t fall apart, not every unstable case is known to her. This is the main reason why she slightly overlooks Lance for a while. When he first found Guardienne, he panicked immediately, rushing her to Ewelein and not even truly believing her death until many days after the event. Huang Hua - having sensed his shock and panic blocking out any other emotions - let it go for a few days; everyone goes through their own grieving process, some immediately and some not until many years afterwards. There was nothing that anyone could do for him until Guardienne’s death hit him fully. However, she also knew from her abilities that Lance was in love with her, or at very least had a deep liking for Guardienne, so the instant a few members of the guard come to her expressing serious concerns regarding Lance’s recent aggression and distance, Huang Hua knows immediately that it needs to be dealt with. This grief was an unknown factor in Lance’s new life - but his past with this type of grief shows clearly that this can really fuck him up - so it needed to be discussed, otherwise he risks spiraling back into the same place he was seven years ago.

She’ll approach him when he’s alone, or if they’re in a relatively public space she’ll take him somewhere private, sensing all the while the breathtakingly painful feeling of agony, anger and distress that’s clouding his mentality. It was just the same as when he was Ashkore, how did he not yet break? He’ll refuse to follow her if he knows she wants to talk about his emotions - ironic since he’s always been open to sharing his perspective and thoughts - so she’ll just tell him that she needs to talk to him in private regarding a few anonymous tips from some guards members if he happens to ask why.

Being alone with an unstable, emotionally distraught dragon with a history of violence while under heavy states of grief does unsettle her a bit, but she knows the outcome of this will be much worse if he truly feels isolated. He’s not going to reach out for help by himself - he doesn’t know how to, nor does he probably want to - so she needs to be the one to reach out to him and help him stabilize himself before another situation like Valkyon’s death occurrs.

She’ll consider first talking alone with him in his room - where he’d likely feel most comfortable - but considering he’d likely be defensive, that could then translate into aggression in his own territory, and that may lead her to being forced out of his room for her own safety. Lance has certainly changed in temperament, but heavy grieving emotions can blind someone, so there’s really no promising that nothing... destructive may happen, no matter how much he’s changed in patience.

She then considers talking with him in the conference room, but there isn’t a whole lot of privacy there. The conference room is more for business, rather than personal, private, emotional conversations. The last thing Lance needed in this moment was for his emotions to be treated even slightly like a business confrontation and not as an important part of his being. Frankly, even on a day where he’s feeling just fine he would never accept anyone’s emotions to be treated like a business issue, so the last thing she wanted was to imply that by bringing him into a room that could do just that.

Huang Hua then thinks over the idea of talking to him in her room; it would likely be safer, after all. He probably won’t become territorial or aggressive as it’s not his territory, and it’ll be a gentle reminder that she’s happy to welcome him into her personal life to help comfort him (therefore defeating the concern that it could seem like a business confrontation), but since it’s her territory he might emotionally shut himself down. It can be uncomfortable to fall apart in someone else’s room, especially knowing they’re higher ranking and could be interrupted at any moment to deal with something else...

Then she wonders if she should bring him outside of the guard to speak with him - somewhere that’s private and on neutral ground. That way they’d both be in strange territory and may not be interrupted, and if they are they’d receive prior warning by noticing that someone was walking their way.

Of course, Huang Hua then realizes that - no matter how much she’d like to think that she understands what would make Lance most comfortable - she truly doesn’t know what would help him best, but she can be there to provide support at very least, regardless of where they are. At the end of the day, Lance would probably know where he’d feel most comfortable, so when she approaches him to talk, saying that it’s an important but private conversation, she’ll ask him where he would rather talk. He’ll be slightly hostile, especially when he picks up on the fact that she’s going out of her way to word things carefully and prioritize his comfort, but he’ll decide to talk somewhere private outside the guard, where no one is around.

And that’s how Huang Hua finds herself in the middle of the open plains, far away from the guard to talk to a dragon who might as well be stabbing himself with his own dagger with how he’s been allowing himself to feel as of late. She’ll start off gently, telling him the recent concerns of a few anonymous guard’s members and Lance will stand a few feet away and listen coldly with a blank expression until she suggests that he take a few days off. He’ll debate things with her then, and it’ll escalate slowly until Lance is clearly distressed but still unmoving in his decision to remain active, and Huang Hua will know then that she can’t be gentle anymore...

“Lance, take a few days off, for your sake.”

“No.” His tone is harsh and cold as he snaps at her. “The guard needs me, there’s so much I need to do - so much I need to repay-” He didn’t mean to let that last statement slip - after all, his actions certainly couldn’t be made up for, right? - but emotions can be a powerful thing, can’t they?

“You won’t be able to do any of that if you’re destroying everything you’ve helped rebuild in the process.” Lance is pacing, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. Huang Hua - despite her anxiousness at the dragon being so stubborn on decisions made under heavy negative emotions - tries to keep a comforting, open atmosphere to avoid furthering any issues. “You know the pain you’ve cast upon on others, you’ve felt that same sort of pain now and you need to take time to be able to recover from that.”

“I can’t take time, it’s not something I can just accept! Everyone I’ve hurt before never had time to accept the situation before I made it worse, but they still pushed forward! There’s no reason for me to have it any easier!”

“And where would we be if we treated you the same way you used to treat the world? Would we be any better than how you used to be?”

Lance stops pacing but his eyes remain on the ground, his throat constricting as his thoughts run rampant. Would they be the same as how he used to be if they allowed him to keep running himself this way? He’s done terrible things, but he’s spent many years trying to keep that from happening again. Certainly he’s an asset to the guard now, so would it be cruel of them to ignore his distress? Or would it be justified payback for everything he’s done?

“Lance, you’ve done wonderful things the past seven years, and we want you to continue that and I know you want to continue that as well. Take some time off so you can do that without destroying yourself or your environment. Don’t ignore your pain like it’s nothing - it’s not nothing, and you have the resources to deal with it in a better way now. Use those resources, Lance, it’ll help you work your way through this.” Huang Hua’s tone is gentle and soft as she pleads with him, hoping that her blunt words will reach his common sense.

He tries to argue this, stuttering the beginning of sentences to try and disprove her point, grasping for any reason as to why his pain is invalid. However, Lance finds that there’s no sound argument against Huang Hua’s words, and constricting panic, horror, and then heavy tides of grief will hit him as he realizes that he is, in fact, dragging himself into his own downfall. He is his own worst enemy, once again.

In any manner, this is all his fault - his past actions, Guardienne’s distress of what’s changed that lead to her death, his emotional isolation, and disruption of the guard is all because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and his abyss of emotions. How did this happen to him? He was never the type of person to deny and hide away his emotions, so how is it he ended up caging himself like this when under personal grief? Is it because the situation is so personal to him that he has a hard time allowing himself to seek comfort in others who likely couldn’t understand?

Lance will fall apart at this, closing his eyes and turning towards the ground to keep himself together, but falling apart all the same as grief overwhelms him one final time in a push that throws him over the edge. He’ll clench his fist and bow his head, bringing it over his mouth as he desperately tries to steady his breathing, to no avail as tears find their way from his eyes and his chest heaves in quieted sobs.

Huang Hua will lurch forward to comfort him, but stops as Lance whirls around to step back and snap at her - he didn’t want comfort, he wanted her back!

“Where were you for her!? Why didn’t anyone else see her pain!?” His eyes are tragedy and desperation underneath the weakened cold anger of ice blue, a faint few tears streaking down his face as his voice - thunderous and howling - cracks and breaks alongside his crumbling rage. If he couldn’t have fixed this, then someone else could have - why didn’t anyone fix this!?

“You know it’s not morally correct to monitor everyone’s private emotions all the time. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t allow my people their privacy?” Huang Hua stills and clasps her hands together at her waist, understanding Lance’s outward anger. However, she realized his statement signaled something else as well; Lance could no longer fight why he should allow himself to grieve, so he was desperately clinging onto some semblance of needing to be distant by turning it to be someone’s fault - someone that he could hate. “You are right in a way; of the many people who knew her, someone might have been able to catch how torn up she felt, but people who wish to hide their pain, or spend so long hiding their pain that it becomes a part of who they are, learn how to hide their pain in ways too complex for others to realize. And, Lance, if she didn’t want anyone to know about her grief, there wouldn’t have been much that I could have done anyways.”

“You could have helped her!” The dragon’s voice was weakening as he spoke, distant anger being replaced by a cold, hollow emptiness as he realized the truth in Huang Hua’s words.

“Only if she was ready for that help. You can’t force someone to accept help, you can only wait for them to allow themselves to be helped.”

“She wouldn’t want me to find relief during this time...” He looked away toward the ground and hung his head, blinking rapidly as he began to heave for breath. There must be a reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way .

“Do you think she would have wanted everything good you did - whether she knows what you did or not - to be destroyed because of your grief for her?” Lance’s eyes squinted closed and he tilted his head a bit further away from the phoenix. It seemed as though every reminder of everything good he’s done continues to leave him with a hollow chest. “I think if she witnessed firsthand everything you’ve done the past seven years she would have thought very differently about you now than what she did when first having woken up from the crystal.”

Lance turns to face his back towards her, resting a palm on his forehead before brushing his fingers back through his hair as a tremble rolls through him. He could feel pressure rising from his throat as he bared his teeth in an agonized snarl before parting his mouth to silently gasp for air. His head tilted back to look at the sky, only for a few tears to fall from his eyes when he releases a shaky breath.

“Lance, your situation with her was very unique - no one else could begin to understand exactly what you’re feeling from your history with her. Take some time so you can understand it - and fix, or do, or feel whatever you need to - so you can carry forward knowing yourself better.”

He wanted to fight her statement, but his moral compass argued with his resistance on this as well. If anything, of whatever terrible things came as a result of her death, there should be some good sought from it as well. What’s the point of accepting a tragedy if not to learn something from it as well, even if it’s something quiet that no one else knows you learned?

For the first time in a long while - if not ever - Lance allows himself to break and be comforted. He lets himself embrace the burning, stinging pain that rises in his chest as he turns his head back to the ground and collapses on his knees. Huang Hua immediately reacts and is by his side in moments, on her knees and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she leans against him slightly. Sobs escape his throat as his body tenses and curls forward slightly, bracing a hand on the ground to steady himself as tremulous waves of emotions - any and all emotions that could possibly be named - wash over him and leave him gasping for air.

“I miss her, too.” Huang Hua’s voice shakes now as she leans further against the dragon, bringing her arms as far around him as she can while her head rests against his shoulder, away from the spines on his pauldrons. Lance brings his other hand up and tightly grasps the forearm reaching across his chest.

Huang Hua had spent so much time trying to help others through this that she had completely forgotten to make sure she was alright as well, and seeing Lance - the man she least expected to be torn apart by this situation - completely break and fall apart before her eyes reminded her of the true depth of their loss. They didn’t just lose Eldarya’s savior, they had lost a friend, a great warrior, one of the last angels, someone who was pure at heart and wasn’t afraid to face the darkness of life without so much as a blink of hesitation. They had lost someone who gave everything for the world, and suffered because of it.

Minutes merged until they were unsure of how long they spent in the fields, but in time both of them calmed down. Lance - now able to think clearer on the subject - began to reflect on the situation.

“This wasn’t her fault... the blame is on all of us, for not having seen anything... but she must have known that someone would have been there for her if they knew how much she was hurting...” He murmured this quietly, waves of shame washing over him again as he realized he was perhaps pinning some of the blame on Guardienne. Was there really anyone to blame here? She must have known that someone would have been there for her if she sought help, but it’s not right for others to pry into the personal life of another if the intrusion is unwelcomed, and who was to say she wanted help in the first place? Had she given up? Would anyone have been able to stop her to begin with? Who was to blame, if there was anyone?

“There’s nothing we can do now except honor her and move forward.” Huang Hua whispered back with a shaky voice and Lance faintly nodded his head. There were many things that worked together to lead to this happening, and in between there also were moments where something could have helped deter it, both by her doing and by others. At the root core, everyone and anyone could have helped stop this in some way, even if it was by giving her a small passing smile that could have helped remind her that there is good and hope in the world, but there’s also no guarantee that anyone could have stopped it. Regardless, this is how things happened. They can’t change the past, but they can move forward with her in mind and learn from this.

Lance - despite his heavy grief and complex emotions on everything - begins to soften himself to the situation. He’s not the only one grieving. His situation may have been the most complicated, but he’s still in the same boat as everyone else. He doesn’t feel the need to sob alongside the others anymore, but he does find that whenever the group he’s in begins to fall apart into wailing, he’ll bow his head and won’t hide the obvious pain that he’s in at the reminder of his lost love. His feelings for Guardienne will be kept quiet, and he won’t openly say how he felt about her - it could still be seen as wrong in the opinion of some people for him to have fallen in love with the same woman he hurt so much, especially knowing her pain is what led to her death - but he won’t deny the truth of his feelings to those who caught on somehow. Lance will find that he’ll slowly begin to mend after this death, many months after of course, but it’ll happen, and in some ways this will help him move past his brother’s death as well. After all, in the end both Guardienne and Valkyon came to accept their final moments in life before allowing Lance’s past actions to bring about their end, and although one chose to die to help mend him and the other chose to die to help relieve herself, the root issue of the situation that led to their death was still very similar. He’ll have a hard time allowing himself to move past the fact that his actions played a major part in both deaths, but he realizes in time that that’s what happens when someone has a violent past. It’ll haunt for many years, and the effects of it can never be reversed, but in the end this only inspires him to work harder to provide a better world. Maybe he can’t erase what he did, but he can make sure it doesn’t happen again and work to provide Eldarya with as much good as he can provide now.

Without a doubt Guardienne’s death hits him hard, but he’ll be sure to come back twice as strong from this.

I hope you like this, Anon! I feel Guardienne’s suicide would definitely hit Lance hard and remind him subtly of Valkyon’s death, but I don’t see Lance being held down by this for too long. He’d heavily grieve for her for a good while before he eventually finds himself standing on two feet again and powering his way through life, if not for his own sake then for the sake of others, both alive and dead.

Have a request? Ask them here!

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#Eldarya ANE #eldarya lance #fenristheorem writing #askfenris

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agent-cupcake · 3 years

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fluff is good, it’s even fun sometimes. but, you know, i think i’ll always enjoy dark content the most. like, no matter how much i insist i have moved past it, my entire career began because i learned the term yandere and realized i’d found my place in the online sphere. but, really, lust and fear have a complimentary relationship. the emotions and sensations they invoke, both physically and mentally, are equally potent and stem from the same place for me. the fluttery sensation in my stomach dances indiscriminately to the tune of disquiet and arousal, excitement stirs itself up within my chest at the mention of being wanted, uncaring if the intent is sadistic or lustful. its a shared theatrical fantasy of fear, catching thrills from simulated danger as we imagine what it is to be in a situation so dire, so intense and frightening, that we cannot help but to hyperfocus on our discomfort. we practice these emotions and engage in these disastrously unhealthy relationships through emulation and the sanitized vessel of the written word, but without any of the emotional price that would be asked of us if it were real.

it’s not real.

there is nobody lurking behind your window in the gaps between the streetlamps, even if you were to turn off the lights in an attempt to get a better view, but maybe you shouldn’t anyway. there is no face to breathe fog and leave smudged fingerprints on the glass pane while they peer into the internal life you hold sacred, but you should probably keep your blinds shut. there is nobody hiding behind your shower curtain as you stumble half-blind and asleep into the bathroom at two in the morning, but it wouldn’t hurt to check. if you hear a sound, surely you cannot logically attribute it to a malevolent person moving unseen through the secure sanctuary of your home when they assumed you would be in bed, but you should probably take a look at your locks. if you notice that your things are not where you left them, it’s silly to assume that someone has been into your room, rifling through your things and leaving them almost as you left them. to believe that somebody genuinely and truly meant you harm in such a personal way would be to risk the foundational safety that you rely on to live with any measure of peace. and besides, memories are fallible. our senses are imperfect. our overexcited and imaginative minds can betray us. you can be infected by a nightmare you can’t quite remember, only that you woke up shaky and gasping and frightened, squinting in the darkness to make out the figure standing at the foot of your bed that you could have sworn was just there only to be reassured that it was just a bad dream. you can hurry home because you felt certain you were being watched only for the sensation to be ultimately attributed to your own paranoia. yes, the world is dangerous. but maybe not your world. these things, these dramatic scenes cut straight from an episode of the hundreds of crime dramas, don’t happen to people like you.

but

we fantasize about yanderes and dark personalities and the brutal psychological and bodily torture any character of our choice could subject us to, we imagine the most grim of situations in a light that appeals to our own desires, twisting horror to suit us in a controlled manner.

still, it is frightening, isn’t it?

it’s past midnight, maybe one or two in the morning, and you’re sitting within the four walls of your room that you no longer believe to be protection enough from the stalker that has been creeping closer and closer. you’re staring at the familiar surroundings that suddenly feel very alien and contend with the bone crushing frenzy of utter stillness in the face of animal panic, the intense crackling and wavering that you can almost see hovering above your skin and holding up little strands of hair as chills crawl in bug-like hoards across the feverish flush of your flesh. all at once you are overwhelmed and helpless against him as he invades, defiles, and dismantles each aspect of your life. there is nothing you can do, no protection from this stylized predator who who has been perfected by fantasy made real so that he no longer resembles any common stalker. in the dark, you are vulnerable. in this situation, you are isolated. shame fills your chest, sloshing around to the frantic rhythm of your heartbeat, embarrassment at the ridiculousness of your reaction. really, what are a few messages? maybe you’re misinterpreting the signs, there’s not enough evidence to prove anything. you have to use the bathroom, yet you don’t feel safe to enter the dark hallway because there might be a figure standing at the other end, and what would you do then? you want to contact somebody for comfort, but everyone you know is asleep and you don’t want to disturb them over something so trivial. you want to move and run and scream and deal with the problem, but you can’t do anything. just sit. just watch. just wait. minutes tick by, somehow. and somehow, dawn breaks over the horizon. you didn’t sleep, but maybe the sun will provide safety. maybe.

maybe not. there’s a unique kind of horror in the mundane. you don’t think about the sounds of the world around you until you begin to feel uneasy in the sunny open air, until the paranoia kicks in and suddenly it’s all you can hear because you’re hyper-focusing on trying to identify why you no longer feel safe. birds warble and call to one another. the leaves relentlessly rustle as the playful breeze shakes them about. from far away, a dog is barking. the big kind, the one that goes “boof boof,” you’ve just gotten out of your car after being out all day and you’re standing uncertainly in your driveway, looking around to try and pinpoint why you’re so anxious. you realize, with a zipping sort of shock down your spine, that there’s nobody else around. not even any evidence that they existed in the first place and it’s so stupid but you begin to think that maybe you’re the only person who has ever existed because the world around you feels so empty and barren. energy tingles in the air, but it is hollow. a void of something you can’t quite perceive. the dog stops barking. the wind dies down. do you dare go inside? your home, the place that should be your refuge, is not safe. you go inside and look at a kitchen you scarcely recognize as your own, at a bed that might as well belong to somebody else, at decor you once were so proud to put up that now seems arranged by a strangers hand. the one who is preying on you is probably human, but the threat feels supernatural in effect. omnipresent. we fear that which we don’t understand, and how can you possibly understand the motive of someone who has focused on you? dread sinks down deep as you shift from foot to foot and second guess every move you make. it smells like sun-warmed concrete and the wind-blown scent of spring greenery. just like your home itself, the smell is familiar as it is foreign. eventually, you go inside.

it’s so obscene, the way that sweat pools between your shoulder blades and slicks your skin, making you shiver with a distinctly antithetical chill to your blazing temperature. sweat is gross and uncomfortable, it makes your clothes cling to your skin and hair mat to your forehead. it’s so crude, this gouging, pinching discomfort like you need to pee making your thighs tremble as they clench together. your entire body is wound up tight as you crouch in the dark, barely allowing yourself to breathe for fear of being discovered while he looks for you. maybe he takes his time just to mess with you, maybe he doesn’t. maybe he tauntingly calls out to you in a feigned attempt to draw you out of hiding. maybe he means it when he tells you that he loves you. no matter what, there’s no escape, not anymore. it’s a foregone conclusion that you will be found. but you can’t move. fight or flight is out the window, you are frozen. you know the eventuality, yet you cling to hope out of the sheer, stubborn, and half-mad belief that this cannot possibly be real.

its so repulsive, this sickness that gathers in your gut, that invites the swollen weight of nausea to press down heavy and inescapable in your throat, that sits on your paper dry tongue. it tastes like old, rusted metal, the scent that clung to your blistered hands when you were young and tried your luck on the ancient playground monkey bars. the bloody flavor that choked you when you lost the last of your baby teeth, leaving your childhood behind and exchanging imaginary monsters for the real ones. just when the anticipation is on the precipice of killing you, you’re found. you expected it, yet you still scream. it still hurts, it’s still terrifying, you’re still clouded by the vague fog of disbelief that this could be real. you keep thinking that. it can’t be real, this can’t be real. things like this don’t happen to you.

but it is. you can’t stop it. you have no control over your life in that moment and thereafter.

and you think about everything you’ve ever read online about torture. human beings are so capable of hurting each other, it’s a dedicated art form. and you know about stalkers, the real kind, not the fun fictional yandere kind. you know the torture that human bodies are capable of withstanding before dying, the grotesque limits they can endure. limbs removed or hobbled. fingers peeled of nail and skin. teeth pulled, tongue cut out, eyes gouged, skin lashed to tatters, feet spun around so the skin stretched like rubber. not to mention sexual torture. when a human being is granted absolute dominion over another, even the best of them go rotten. do you ever think about that? in these situations, the fear of pain would get to me above all else, i think.

if you don’t immediately disassociate from the fiction, if you force yourself into the scenario as its presented with a degree of reality, the horror is really limitless. and, you may ask, why was this important? because it is six am and i cannot sleep and i’ve had this entire conceptual outline of good horror yandere fiction sitting in my docs for ages that i’ll never actually use to write character x reader so i am giving it to you raw and uncut.

#personal #yandere #uh tw for being a pretentious and sleepy idiot cooming over ye ole classic yandere tropes #sometimes i like to imagine this stuff in clear enough detail that it actually makes me uncomfortable enough to turn on the light #and rethink my life choices #because this aint it #but at the same time #at this point its sunk cost fallacy i've spent too long typing this out to discard it #sorry dear followers #stalking tw

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mewtonian-physics · 3 years

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my ranking of the alex rider original series (stormbreaker through scorpia rising) from ‘book i least enjoy rereading’ to ‘book i most enjoy rereading’ let’s goooo

spoilers for all 9 books under the cut

9. Ark Angel

...He went to space. He went to space. Also the entire plot could have been avoided if Drevin had actually bothered to provide a photograph of his son. I’m sure he had one. I still like this book but it’s literally so insane that I just don’t know what to do with it.

It is however really funny that Webber just goes and gives a speech insulting this super high-profile ecoterrorist group and acts like it’s no big deal and then they kill him. Shock of shocks.

8. Skeleton Key

Okay, points to this book for terrifying the shit out of me. God damn it does that shark scene scare me. Also, points for making me feel a little bit bad for a man who wants to nuke his own country because he thinks it will fix the place up. I’m still not entirely sure how that’s supposed to work, but that’s probably a good thing. I feel like understanding his thought process would say bad things about me. Still, I actually did feel sorry for him, if only a little. Dude was clearly mentally unstable and I doubt his son’s death helped at all. I also got sad about what happened to Carver and Troy. (Yeah, yeah, I’m a cringe fail American who has the American release. So sue me.) What a nightmare that must’ve been to endure... Otherwise, though, I’m not super into this book. The opening is just kind of meh and the way it leads into the rest of the plot seems a little bit unbelievable. Also, this might be an unpopular opinion, but Sabina annoys me. I would not get along with her at all and I can’t imagine her as a girlfriend. Skeleton Key does, however, absolutely excel at the emotional scenes.

Also, why are all the spy agencies so comfortable with sending in a 14-year-old? Especially when they outright admit that the other attempts have all died horribly? Bureaucracy’s a bitch.

7. Point Blank

Boo, Dr. Grief! Boo! We hate your white supremacy! I’m so glad you got a snowmobile to the face, you deserved it. (Perks of books written by Jewish people--we aren’t afraid to give the neo-Nazis an unpleasant death.) Anyway, this book definitely isn’t bad, but I wouldn’t really say it stands out in the series. It definitely does hammer home the point of just how trapped Alex is, since MI6 isn’t going to just let him go after one mission, and let’s face it, the plot with the clones is creepy as hell, if highly improbable. But I’m largely just here to see the neo-Nazi get snowmobiled. That’s right, I just completely changed the definition of a pre-established word. I’m a rebel.

Also, I hate Fiona Friend so much and overall think she just didn’t need to be in the book, but the line about ‘I’d rather kiss the horse’ made me laugh so hard. Alex, you sass.

6. Snakehead

Okay, let’s talk about how genius the plan in this book is. I love it! I love how Yu wants to kill the people involved in the peace conference without making them into martyrs, so he comes up with this whole elaborate plan to stage a natural disaster. It’s incredible. This dude was thinking so far ahead. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid... But anyway, I don’t see a lot of books where the villain really acknowledges that killing their enemies could just cause more problems for them via turning them into martyrs for a cause. Also, the way he’s so polite and soft-spoken while also being a complete monster... This book genuinely gives me chills. Extra bonus points for the part in the hospital, the absolute nightmare of having all your organs slowly removed and sold off and everyone around you is being so nice about it? ‘Oh, don’t worry, Alex, it won’t be so bad. Here, take your medicine. Do you need anything?’ Literally just. What the fuck.

Also Ash can fucking fight me. You put your own godson in horrible danger on purpose! You killed your best friend! Bastard.

...And just in case the book wasn’t disturbing enough, Yu’s fate at the end lives in my mind rent-free and I think about it on a concerningly regular basis considering that the chances of that happening to me are so low they’re practically in the negatives. Damn you, Horowitz.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention just how much I love the tagline ‘once bitten, twice spy’.

5. Crocodile Tears

Ah yes, the book that kickstarted my drift away from the church... I kid, of course. I drifted away from the church for completely separate reasons. But Desmond McCain is always going to scare the shit out of me. The ability to kill countless innocent people while blissfully quoting Bible verses (that he takes wildly out of context and uses for his own self-serving means) is... well, I could actually say a lot about what that reminds me of, but I’m here to rate books, not religion. Moving on. This book has some really stellar antagonists, and the plot is chilling in a way that feels a lot more realistic than most of the other books. Even if some of it is a bit farfetched (sabotaging a nuclear power plant? Really?), the idea of using disasters for your own profit... well. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on why that is so believable. The Poison Dome is also a really cool and chilling scene--even Alex, who has the luck of the devil, can’t get out of that one unscathed. Further scares come in with the fate of Harold Bulman--imagine having your entire existence wiped and your identity changed while you were asleep! The breakdown he has over it is almost enough to make me feel sorry for him, even though he was ready to exploit a teenager and make his life a living hell just to turn a profit. Note the word almost.

Also. The opening makes me cry. Specifically the line talking about how Ravi’s kids would ‘never meet Mickey Mouse’. I lose my goddamn mind every single time I read it. That little personal touch turns the scene from a statistic to a tragedy. Once again: Damn you, Horowitz.

4. Stormbreaker

Yeah, this one gets the special cover shot. And why not? What we are looking at here is the birth of a legend. Move the fuck over, James Bond, Alex Rider is on the scene now. Anyway, yeah, this book is pretty damn spectacular. It has its stumbles, but as the first book in a series, that’s to be expected. Still, it pulls you in from quite literally the first line and keeps you going right up until the end. (If you came here from my post of memes, you know how much the line ‘Killing is for grownups, and you’re still a child’ destroys me.) It has the debut of much-beloved characters such as, of course, Alex--but also Jack Starbright, and of course, the best MI6 agent of them all, which is to say Smithers. Hell, even Yassen Gregorovich, especially once you get through Russian Roulette... Man, that was a rough one.

Seriously, though. This is a really good book. The scene with the Portuguese man-o’-war still gives me the chills to think about. (Have you ever looked up pictures of those things? They’re beautiful, but holy shit will they make you regret being born. Nature is funny like that.)

We also get the introduction of, of course, Alex’s patented sass (his response to Sayle saying he relates to the man-o’-war is HILARIOUS) and we get the inherent humor of Alex screwing up an alias one time and then just going by Alex for the rest of the series so he doesn’t do that again. Really, kid, I know you’re not a trained spy or anything but did you never play pretend growing up? Ever? You can’t pretend your name is Felix for a little while? That sounds like a you problem.

3. Scorpia Rising

I distinctly remember when this book came out, actually. I was on vacation at the time, and I remember my brother annoying the hell out of the poor workers at a bookstore we frequented there to see if/when they were going to get it in. They did, finally, and we bought it immediately, and I was of course absolutely desperate to read it. He got to read it first, though. -_-

This is a great book, an absolute emotional rollercoaster all the way through. The way Blunt tricks Alex back into service by staging a shooting was exactly the kind of cold, brutal behavior I’d expect from him. Seeing Julius come back was shocking, but very exciting, too. And Razim makes an incredibly chilling villain, with his absolute disregard for human life and his desire to measure pain. Also, seeing Smithers’s house was so much fun. Smithers in this book was just really fun in general, but he’s really fun in every book, so... nothing unusual there. But also, I want an unwelcome mat. Please?

2. Eagle Strike

‘But Penny,’ you might ask, ‘why is this book so high on your list? It has so much of Sabina in it, and you said she annoys you.’ That is true. What does not annoy me, however, is basically the entire rest of the book. I love the tense opening, and then reading through Alex’s real-life ‘playthrough’ of Feathered Serpent is still one of my favorite scenes. Cray is absolutely incredible as a villain, with the way that he truly believes in his cause--which is undoubtedly a good one! Yet the extremes to which he will go for that cause, and the fact that he very nearly succeeds, are what elevate him to one of the most dangerous villains in the series. That scene with Charlie Roper and the nickels is something I can never seem to stop thinking about. Actually, I think about it basically whenever I think about large amounts of money paid in small increments...

Also, I really enjoy how he gets into the whole plot in the first place, and I really enjoy Smithers saying ‘ah, fuck it’ and helping him out anyway. Go, Smithers. You once again prove me right in saying that you’re the coolest adult in MI6.

The revelation that Yassen knew Alex’s father is one that absolutely blew my mind first time around. The way his life was threaded into the lives of the Rider family--he worked with John Rider, was saved by him, killed Ian Rider, and then died for refusing to kill Alex Rider--wow. Wow. It gets to me. It really gets to me. This book is a masterpiece. I heard that it’s going to be what the second season of the TV series is based off of, and I’m so hyped for that. We love to see it, we really do.

1. Scorpia

I don’t believe anyone who says this book didn’t get to them at all. I just think they are lying. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to not be affected by this book. God. Just thinking about it reminds me of why I don’t think it’s possible. I mean, come on. We get all this backstory about Alex’s parents, we get tricked along with him into thinking MI6 killed his father, then bam, that was a lie, and Alex may have just fucked himself over big time. Also, that plot is terrifying! (And I bet anti-vaxxers had a field day with it, huh.) Julia Rothman is a really great antagonist, one of the only ones who didn’t go and explain her plan in great detail to Alex--the fact that she didn’t actually being a plot point was something I personally found pretty clever. In general, this book is... I tend to hate when people say they ‘can’t put it down’ because it’s usually an obvious exaggeration, but that really is how I feel reading it.

And again. If that ending didn’t get to you... Well, I just think you are lying.

#alex rider #spoilers

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3w-writer-with-wings · 4 years

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10 Most Powerful Scenes in Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS

10) Three things

Starting with probably the most well known quote in VRAINS – three things. It would’ve been probably ranked higher if it was not that repetitive and its impact wasn’t scattered to many different scenes, but it is still a very powerful scene regardless. Yusaku was just an innocent six-year-old child who loved to play a card game and yet that same game was turned against him in the cruellest way possible. Suddenly he had to duel for survival and suffered for each defeat. For half a year, Yusaku was trapped in a never-ending nightmare that didn’t seem to stop until he heard Ryouken’s voice. These few sentences gave Yusaku hope to hold on just a while longer and he started using them as his coping mechanism, even years after the Lost Incident. Like Yusaku said it himself, it felt like the life stopped moving for him and despite therapy he could no longer lived his life like others. Thinking of three things to move forward was the only thing that helped him out and knowing there might be someone else still trapped there made him more determined to find out the truth. Since he used this coping mechanism outside duelling, it may also suggest that three things speech is the only thing that kept him from turning into an empty shell like Jin.

Another thing that makes this scene so powerful is Ryouken’s side of it. Just like Yusaku, he was also just a child who loved the game and most certainly just wanted to play a game with a new friend. It is still unknown if Ryouken was aware of what will happen to children, but it is most likely that he genuinely meant no harm. True his father brainwashed him with his ideas of work for “greater good”, but Ryouken knew it was wrong. He could only report the incident to police and push the memories of it away and yet he reached out to one of the children just before he did. Later it was only further proved just how guilty Ryouken felt and always had a soft spot for the victims. Neither Vyra nor Faust had the courage to report the incident, but Ryouken, a mere eight-year-old child had. Despite his father’s brainwashing, he acted on his own and continued to do so until all the victims were fully safe.

9) Ai saves Yusaku

From the start of the series, Ai wasn’t a typical partner character like Atem or Astral since he was mostly goofing off and wasn’t really useful when it came to duelling. However, in this scene, Ai shows for the very first time just how powerful he really is and even Yusaku is left speechless at Ai’s abilities. Ai even tells him to shut up back and letting him know that he is far too in this duel to just give up. He even refers to him as his partner and shows he is willing to risk his life for him all the same way. Considering Ai was already using Yusaku as his personal weapon against Knights of Hanoi at the time, this may be the first time he actually started seeing Yusaku as his own person and not just as the tool in his plan. Ai has always been sneaky and successfully covered up his true colours, though in this single scene, he genuinely looks concerned about Yusaku.

8) Hope for the future

Hopeful and optimistic scenes are very rare in VRAINS and this is just one of many reasons why this one was included. Shortly after Earth’s death and Go’s decline, Yusaku blames himself for what happened and is again unsure about what they should do. Fortunately, Takeru, Ai and Flame are there to cheer him up and despite the approaching battle, Yusaku is hopeful for the future. Compared to how he used to be, when he told Akira that he can no longer live normally and that he sees no future, this is a major change. Yu-Gi-Oh! protagonists have always been optimistic and even if it was impossible, they believed in themselves and in their actions. Yusaku has always been bold and realistic, so seeing him hopeful and thinking about future in his own realistic terms made it that more impactful. He even smiled several times and ensured both Ai and Flame that they have a plan to keep them safe and if it won’t work, they’ll just think of another one. Watching this scene for the first time really made you feel that despite the hardships, this show will have a happy ending and for a while it really felt that way. Knowing how VRAINS will end this scene may also hint that this is when Ai truly started thinking of Yusaku as his true friend. Ai has been moulding Yusaku into Playmaker from the start and when his so called weapon acknowledged him as a living being and promised to do everything he can to keep him safe – that’s likely when Ai began to realize just how much is Yusaku willing to do for him.

7) Earth’s execution

This scene is probably among one of the most heart-breaking ones as it is among surprising ones as well. Villain very rarely wins in Yu-Gi-Oh! and when they do, it’s a big deal. Earth wasn’t around for long but when he was, he appeared as a very nice, caring and socially awkward Ignis. He was likely also the only Ignis besides Ai that expressed love towards someone and he was willing to do anything to keep Aqua safe. What makes his death that much sadder is that he was captured by Go who was by this point a mere shadow of what he used to be. Both Go and Earth were victims of SOL’s greed and ended up as their tools. SOL did absolutely everything to ensure Earth was not a living being, using scientific expressions reserved for objects and not stopping even when he screamed he is his own person and cried his eyes out when forgetting about Aqua. Another powerful comparison was between Akira’s and Queen’s reaction to it. Akira couldn’t watch while Queen smirked and likely only thought of next step which later turned out to be creation of their own Ignis and putting Earth’s data in Go’s implant.

Other Ignis also felt Earth’s death, along with his own origin. Specter has always appeared to be someone who was entirely devoted to Ryouken’s plans and would do anything to destroy Ignis, despite being connected to one. After Earth’s death he felt like a part of him was gone and he even shed a tear and looked disturbed when seeing Go being fused with Earth’s data. Deep down Specter felt the bond between him and his Ignis and when Earth was no more, he likely felt the same pain as when his beloved tree was cut down.

6) Yusaku defeats Kusanagi

The duel between Yusaku and Kusanagi was anticipated from the start since it wouldn’t be a Yu-Gi-Oh! if it didn’t include an emotional clash between two best friends. What made this duel that more emotional is that Yusaku and Kusanagi seemingly did not have that best friend dynamic that so many protagonists before them had. They treated each other more like caring co-workers and even Yusaku stated many times that Kusanagi was his acquaintance and not a friend. Many times it also appeared like Kusanagi saw Yusaku as Jin and was doing all of this for his little brother and would likely choose Jin over Yusaku. Still there were many moments where Kusanagi showed legit concern over Yusaku and apologized many times for involving him into this. As for Yusaku, he appeared to be more or less stoic about it, showing little emotion, which made it hard to tell just what kind of relationship he really has with Kusanagi, not to mention he always used very polite mannerism towards him which was his surname and –san. Compared to Takeru, whom he refer to simply by his first name, that was pretty polite though then again, Yusaku didn’t mind Takeru nor Kusanagi calling him by his first name either.

It was clear that the reason why they kept their relationship strictly professional was because Kusanagi knew there will be a time where he might need to put Jin over Yusaku and yet he still cared about him. Yusaku also did not want to involve anyone since he knew what he was doing was dangerous and even Kusanagi needed a while before he became a part of his team. Lightning knew well about their bond and did not hesitate to use it against them in the cruellest way possible. Even though Kusanagi played along and tried to make it as convincing as possible he was likely breaking inside. It also does not help that the scene where Kusanagi deals multiple damage to Yusaku looks strangely identical to the Lost Incident flashbacks where Yusaku was electrocuted many times. The duel came to a point where Yusaku couldn’t fight Kusanagi and that’s when it was clear that he also cares about him. The flashback to the promise further proved that this duel was something they anticipated and were ready, but what truly makes this scene so heart breaking is when Yusaku outright cries out after dealing the final blow to his friend. It was clear that Yusaku was ready for something like this, but at the same time he didn’t understand just what this meant for him. It truly broke him and another reason why this was so impactful is that duel was a mirror image to Lost Incident. They again took something that Yusaku loved and turned it against him until he was broken to the core. Only this time, there was no Ryouken who could tell him to think of three things in order to go forward.

5) “You know nothing about me!”

When VRAINS started, no one really had a clue what it will be about besides hover boards and duels in virtual reality. By episode 2 the first hint of Lost Incident was shown and by that point it was clear VRAINS is going to be a lot more complex and dark to previous shows. We all wanted to learn just what exactly happened to Yusaku and what the truth he was so desperate to uncover was. By episode nineteen he is finally close to that truth, but Akira stands in his way, claiming he knows all about what happened and that Yusaku should let Akira handle this. We learn that there were six children who were kidnapped and held captive for months until they were rescued. Akira compared that experience with his own when he lost everything and had to do shady jobs in order to provide for himself and Aoi. He expected Yusaku to accept his help and move on with his life, but instead of that Akira is met by absolute rage. Yusaku and Kusanagi both appeared to be rather cool and collected people, however seeing how Akira was treating everything so lightly made their blood boil and shouted all of their frustrations out. This was followed by Yusaku’s raw description of just what was happening from the point of view of someone who actually experienced this and not someone who merely reported it. It was nowhere as simple as Akira described it and learning that Yusaku still suffers from PTSD and night terrors rightfully justifies his rage. Like Yusaku put it, he tried to move on countless times and did everything he could to forget the pain, but he just couldn’t. Learning the truth was the only cure he knew would help and seeing someone brush it off just like that was incredibly insensitive and gave him all the right to be as mad as he was.

4) Yusaku doesn’t want to fight anymore

It is rare to see Yu-Gi-Oh! protagonist to give up and for someone like Yusaku who will do anything to reach his goal, it was absolutely heart breaking to see him give up. This was the second time he was broken apart, only this time he had no one to give him hope. Yusaku has been fighting his whole life and tried to distance himself from others because he knew that he wouldn’t be able to take it if he were to lose them or if something happened to them. He even was getting better at socialising and trusting others more which is why this scene is so sad. Just when he was seemingly experiencing bits of normal life, Lost Incident happened again and this time it took away his friend. He was outright defeated at that point and despite protecting Kusanagi from Lightning’s badmouthing, Yusaku just couldn’t take it anymore. The pain of loss was so great that he simply shut down. In a way it is similar to when Yuma lost Astral and cooped himself in the room for days, refusing to eat or talk with his friends. And honestly can you blame him? This started out as merely quest to learn more about Lost Incident and over the time it turned into fighting with cyber terrorists, protecting thousands of people and dealing with homicidal AIs. Like suffering from PTSD and night terrors, Yusaku had even more responsibility pinned on him and it is understandable that after such ordeal he could not take it anymore. It was only thanks to Kusanagi’s voice that he found the last of his strength in order to defeat Bowman once and for all.

3) “If losing a friend means your heart breaks, then are you trying to break my heart?”

Now this single quote may as well break your heart. Yusaku and Ai might’ve started off as an odd pair that regularly annoyed each other, but with more episodes, deeper their relationship became. Ai has always appeared to be this happy-go-lucky goofball and that turned out to be a mask. Not only to cover up his true motives for siding with Playmaker, but his own personality as well. When he was cracking jokes, he was really just covering up the fact that he has been torn apart and hiding in network for years in order to protect his friends. Yusaku was his only hope and even though he has been manipulating him to the very end, Ai grew attached to him and especially after losing other Ignis, he felt alone and guilty. What makes this scene so powerful is that Yusaku tells Ai loud and clear that he is his friend and losing him would as painful as when Ai lost his fellow Ignis. A couple episodes ago Ai said there is only one person he fully trusts with his feelings and this person turned out to be no other than Yusaku. Ai also revealed that he was using Yusaku as his weapon and yet Yusaku still referred to him as his friend. This entire duel was probably the first time the two of them were completely honest with each other and out of all sentences they exchanged, this one was the most heart wrenching.

2) Revolver's helmet breaks

Like Yusaku, Ryouken has also been moulded into Revolver, the man in charge of cyber terrorist organization known as Knights of Hanoi. His father who brainwashed him with his ideas to a point when he was willing to blow up himself with the rest of the network has created his entire identity and Ryouken had little to no say in it. Despite closely following the orders, part of Ryouken still rebelled since he wanted to uncover Playmaker’s identity and the fact that he managed to do it behind his father’s back proves that he wasn’t completely loyal to his father. He always had that tiny bit of conscience that made him report the Lost Incident and learn about the victims. After his father’s death he both felt free and lost, so it was a good thing he took some time off to clear his thoughts. He had time to learn everything about the victims and the case of Windy’s child was likely one of the many reasons he decided to outright eliminate all Ignis. And once that was done, the only thing he was left with were sins of his father. He was even ready to surrender himself to authorities and go to jail if that would help Takeru and other victims to move on. They settled this with a duel and when Ryouken lost, his helmet broke, symbolically freeing him from his burden. Takeru didn’t want him to go to jail for crimes he didn’t commit and rather wanted him to be a rightful Knight of Hanoi – the one who protects network and others so Lost Incident may never happen again.

1) Ai means »to love people«

Yu-Gi-Oh! series tend to give their characters rather meaningful names, like how Yugi means “game”, how Yugi’s and Juninchi’s first two letters form a word “friendship” and even in SEVENS, Yuga Oudo translates to “seventh road” which symbolizes Yuga’s wish to invent things for better future. The second Yusaku named Ai, I knew his name will be important part of the story. I already knew Ai means “love” and considering how much emphasis’ series put on relationship between protagonist and his partner, I assumed it will be important someday. VRAINS told a story of an AI who was torn from his world and friends and ripped apart, driven by revenge and goal to get back. In order to achieve his goal, he manipulated a traumatized boy into becoming a weapon he needed, successfully using him until the very end. What he did not expect is that the person he carefully moulded into a tool for his plans would become his closest friend so when he was slowly fading away in Yusaku’s arms and heard what his name meant… that’s when it hit hard in the feels. Ai was an AI with free will, born from the pain and misery that Yusaku had to endure for long months. He was programmed to think freely and yet the fate has drawn him back to his origin, slowly understanding just how much he needs Yusaku and how much Yusaku needs him. Even though there was a way for them to be together, he understood the pain Yusaku has been feeling his entire life, the pain of being used and knowing Yusaku cared about him to the point of protecting him with his life, it was clear there was only one other way. Not wanting to hurt him anymore, Ai sacrificed himself for his partner and once he learned the meaning of his name, he faded away with smile.

What he did was the ultimate act of love for his partner.

#yugioh vrains #vrains #yusaku fujiki #ai vrains #Revolver #kusanagi shoichi

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manuscripts-dontburn · 3 years

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Journal of a Russian Grand Duchess: Complete Annotated 1913 Diary of Olga Romanov, Eldest Daughter of the Last Tsar

Edited by Helen Azar

First published: 2015

Pages: 302

Rating: ★★★★★

Another excellent addition to the first-hand sources about the Romanovs. Just be aware that this really is a journal of daily events, not a novel, and may not be easy or super engaging to read unless you really are into the subject. Perfect if you want to do some serious research into the daily lives of the Imperial family

Only Plane in the Sky: The Oral History of 9/11

Author: Garrett M. Graff

First published: 2019

Pages: 512

Rating: ★★★★★

I read this book in record time partly because my human nature was fascinated with a new, intimate look into one of the greatest tragedies of my own lifetime, but partly also because I knew I did not want to spend any more time in the chaos and terror it represents so well than necessary. I was 14 when 9/11 happened and even though on the other side of the world, I watched live as that second plane hit and other hijacked planes were announced missing. I remember being numb all over and crying through the night, fearing that the Third World War was upon us and it was the end of everything I knew. The author himself makes you aware early on this is not a strictly structured narrative supported by the meticulous research of archives. This is a cry of those who lived it all.

The Phantom Atlas: The Greatest Myths, Lies and Blunders on Maps

Author: Edward Brooke-Hitching

First published: 2016

Pages: 256

Rating: ★★★★★

Gorgeously illustrated and engagingly written as a sort of encyclopedia - yet without being exhausting or dry - this is an utterly fascinating book. Read it if you are at all interested in old maps, discovery of the world, human obstinacy, shameless liars and pranksters.

If We Were Villains

Author: L.M. Rio

First published: 2017

Pages: 432

Rating: ★★★★☆

This is one of those books everybody knows about so I feel no review is needed from me. You either enjoy it or you find it pretentious. I personally enjoyed it. Certain parallels with The Secret History are inevitable, but even then the book stands the comparison more than well.

Dead Mountain: The Untold True Story of the Dyatlov Pass Incident

Author: Donnie Eichar

First published: 2013

Pages: 288

Rating: ★★★★☆

Even though my curiosity was immense, I have abstained from reading anything about the recent discoveries and explanation of the Dyatlov Pass Incident precisely because I wanted to read this book first and judge it on its own merit. I am glad I did. (And I would advise anyone to do the same). Although some of the parts in which the author narrates his own personal journey and research may seem slow and even unnecessary, the rest of it is a terrifying, haunting and genuinely disturbing wild ride. I found myself almost reluctant to turn the next page in fear of what it would bring to the picture. I also have to acknowledge that the author really tries to introduce all of the possible theories that were available and suggest his own, trying to be as impartial as possible. In other words, he is not courting scandal, he just really wants to know the truth. Yet again this book proves that real life can top any fictional horror book. And now I´m off to read on what actually did happen.

The Haunting of Hill House

Edited by: Shirley Jackson

First published: 1959

Pages: 246

Rating: ★★★★☆

Fantastic. Creepy. Heart-breaking. Weird. And so, so beautifully written.

The Forest of Enchantments

Author: Chitra Bannerjee Divakaruni

First published: 2019

Pages: 372

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

This is not a powerful feminist retelling of Ramayana. It is a simplified version of the great Hindu epic told from Sita´s point of view. Here and there an outcry over the injustices Sita suffers appears, but for the most part, the language the author uses feels impersonal and reduces what could have been a truly magnificent story full of contradicting emotions and passions into a bland fairytale. Even Sita´s arguably strongest, the most defining moment in the story - the trial by fire - is rushed, unexplained and simply "undercooked" if you pardon the expression. I am deeply disappointed. (Sidenote: I always found it curious how Ram - a literal God - is in a way the worst and most unlikeable character in the whole of Ramayana.)

The Fall of Gondolin

Author: J.R.R. Tolkien

First published: 2018

Pages: 304

Rating: ★★★★★

Every single sentence Tolkien has ever written sings. The dedication of Christopher Tolkien to his father´s legacy is nothing but awespiring. The illustrations by Alan Lee stunning and outworldly. These are the reasons why I am rating this much-welcomed addition to the Middle-Earth mythology so high.

Cinderella is Dead

Author: Kalynn Bayron

First published: 2020

Pages: 389

Rating: ★★★☆☆

This was actually a lot of fun, once I stopped expecting something grand and subtle. A wonderfully original idea that is the basis for the story is worth notice and some of the action scenes are truly engaging. If you don´t mind being hit over the head with the injustices (though I wonder if the lack of subtlety was brilliant or the opposite of that still) heaped upon women in this world, and if you are not bothered by insta-love, this is a good book to spend an afternoon or two with.

Floriography: An Illustrated Guide to the Victorian Language of Flowers

Author: Jessica Roux

First published: 2020

Pages: 224

Rating: ★★★★★

Perfect coffee table book!

The Henna Artist

Author: Alka Joshi

First published: 2020

Pages: 366

Rating: ★★★☆☆

I enjoyed this book but... I have almost nothing to say? Somehow this is exactly the kind of book that is good.... but it is that "standard" kind of good. Like... sure. It was good. I have not had any super-strong feelings towards it.

Catherine House

Author: Elisabeth Thomas

First published: 2020

Pages: 320

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

It started with a promise, turned into a boring slog and fizzled out without anything resembling a satisfying climax. I may have enjoyed it more had it not been for other books centred around weird and creepy campuses (namely Vita Nostra and If We Were Villains) I have read this year, which were simply better in every way. I believe the author might win me over in the future, her writing was good and the premise itself interesting. Unfortunately what this whole thing misses are an actual plot and a finale. I did not feel scared or creeped out... I was just bored.

#booklr #wrap up #September 2021

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miscellaneousramblings · 3 years

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The world is cruel and unfair. My thoughts about the end of SnK.

This is a post about my feelings re: the end of SnK. I try to mix a bit of analysis and express where, in my opinion, it went wrong.

I’ve only read the last chapter once for now. Managed to avoid every spoiler until the official release. What can I say? I think this ending is disappointing and unsatisfying, despite not being The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Read. It’s serviceable at best, which by default is underwhelming in a work that has almost always tried to go above what we usually see in comparable pieces of fiction. Over almost 140 chapters, SnK offered its readers genuine emotions, either positive or negative, and, until this final chapter, managed to stay true to its themes. But this final chapter is basically a 4/10 or 5/10 ending in an overall 9.5/10 story.

I hope that, after the initial shock of the ending, I’ll be able to look back on it, not fondly, but with a bit more appreciation for some of its (too few) genuinely good moments. I also hope it won’t sour the experience of reading SnK too much for me. Of course, I accept the ending, I accepted it literally the moment I read it even though I saw it go further and further from my expectations and understanding of the story by the second. And obviously, I respect Isayama as a writer and genuinely cherish some parts of this manga.

But I won’t ever think this ending was good, and am going to try to explain why.

First, something quite subjective. I think the chapter lacked genuine emotion. I didn’t feel much of anything, except a crushing sentiment of sadness and a bit of anger when I saw Mikasa alone by Eren’s grave at the end. A lot of what happened felt either incomplete or forced, and often both. For example, I had imagined the moment the curse of Ymir broke would be the most beautiful moment in the manga, but instead it just... happened? This was supposed to be the peak of this story, the miracle that all these terrible sacrifices were made in the name of. I keep thinking about the moment the curse breaks at the end of Fruits Basket (a great read btw) and how genuinely emotional this chapter is even though the genre is different from SnK’s. Considering Isayama’s talent when portraying emotions, I can’t help but feel terribly underwhelmed by his version of this moment, which should have made us feel like everything was worth it, but didn’t.

Second, the pacing in this last arc (and especially post 123) was messy. I know it’s easy to criticize as a reader, but objectively, spending 7 chapters on the alliance going from point X to point Y and not giving the main character the spotlight he deserves is a major mistake. I kept holding hope that all of the buildup since chapter 130 was going to amount to the last 2-3 chapters slapping extremely hard (like, say, the Grisha-centered chapters in return to Shiganshina, or the Reiner-Eren conversation in Marley), but for the first time, Isayama disappointed me in that regard.

While mostly uninteresting fights got dragged out, some plot points were almost forgotten. Some setups never got a proper conclusion. Eren barely got the time to explain his motivations or what he saw. Historia’s conversation from chapter 130 never got an ending. The parasite and Ymir literally disappeared even though they were the focus of the last two chapters before this one. Some memory shards went unexplained. We never got to see Grisha’s death even when this panel exists?

Regardless of the actual things I don’t like in the ending, I think it would have been more palatable if this last stretch of chapters had been given time to breathe, if only to expand on the characters’ motivations or give us more interactions (for example, Eren’s talks with Annie, Reiner, Connie...).

Third, characterisation and themes. Oh boy. My favourite character is Eren, and my other favourites are Mikasa, Armin, Reiner and Zeke. I think that among these five, the only one who got a true, complete character arc was Armin (and arguably Zeke as well, though the lack of resolution between him and Eren is a hate crime towards me, specifically). Reiner had a great character arc overall but his last appearance in the manga was distateful and a regression. I won’t expand on it.

Mikasa... my poor girl. My most charitable take about her ending is that Isayama wanted to portray her inner strength, the fact she can always live on in the face of adversity and cherish her own life despite the setbacks while remembering those she loves. Well, I guess he succeeded. But in a weirdly unsatisfying way, because this renders her character arc entirely cyclical. Those qualities have characterised Mikasa since the start. It’s established since the very first arc that she’s prideful, brave, and that she has the inner strength to live without Eren if he ever disappears from this world. But the way Isayama made it happen? Having her kill him and then cry next to his grave in the final panels of the manga is what her arc amounted to? I had always hoped that Mikasa could actually save Eren from himself and show him how to live and share his burdens with him (all things that have been foreshadowed in the manga itself, btw). I thought her tattoo would hold some significance, either by

A/ being transmitted to her potential child with Eren were he to survive (didn’t happen)

B/ foreshadowing a future political role for her as a bridge between Hizuru and Paradis (didn’t happen, and furthermore she’s the only alliance member living in Shiganshina and is deliberately separated from the rest of them)

C/ having some kind of supernatural power that would allow her to change the game, were she to enter paths or reach the coordinate (didn’t happen).

So what? In the end, Mikasa’s Big Choice amounted to giving up on her love (but also not really because she’s never going to be able to move on and isn’t allowed to feel anything else but pain), resulting in her losing her family for the third time and never being able to welcome Eren home. This is horrifyingly sad. I’m also frankly disturbed by the sort of ~parallel Eren establishes in this chapter between Ymir and Mikasa, about the topic of love. So the message of SnK was that... love is a chain? Everything happened because Ymir was too attached to the King and couldn’t leave this world, so Mikasa had to show her that she could give up on love for the greater good by killing Eren? I wish I just misunderstood this but that’s what I got from the chapter and I hate it. Also, I really thought Isayama was above the traditional “female character who sacrifices everything and never reaches happiness but stays quiet and endures for the common good” trope. I was wrong.

Mikasa might have been the centerpiece of the story, but she got the short end of the stick. At this point, the writing pretty much does the opposite of what it is supposed to by inadvertently justifying the validity of Mikasa and Eren’s “selfish” dream in chapter 138. Initially, I thought that their dream was wrong and not something truly enviable because in it, they led a life of guilt and regret while knowing full well that Eren would end up dying anyway, leaving Mikasa behind, alone. Naively, I thought that surely choosing the responsible path would be more rewarding for Mikasa, one way or the other. But as it turns out, the path of selflessness also led her to a life of solitude, except now she carries her burdens all on her own without having tasted happiness. Amazing. I genuinely do not know how I am supposed to root for this.

Finally... Eren. Oh boy. Oh, good lord. I’ll admit I wanted him to live, but I was also ready to accept an ending where he dies. But... not like this. I already said I don’t like the fact Mikasa killed him, but what I like even less is the lack of general resolution his character received. He’s the MC for god’s sake! But post-chapter 123, he has received second, if not third-grade treatment, save from chapter 131, which was brilliant.

Overall, his motivations are a mess, which I get. Him getting confused because of all his powers and memories is understandable. Him having conflicting motivations is actually appealing to me. He wanted to save Eldia, but was also disappointed in the outside world (when he says “I would have done it anyway”, I thought about what he said to Ramzi and the "scenery” in 131) , and wished for his friends to become heroes. I get it, it’s fine.

But Isayama went too far with the tragic aspect of his character. As in, there is no catharsis, just crushing pain. Isayama deliberately went overkill by stating that Eren killed 80% of humanity (what the hell), and, even worse, actually drove Dina to Carla. I literally couldn’t believe this. I have seen people theorize about this months ago and immediately discarded it by thinking it was ridiculous and amount to character assassination. To make things clear, I’m not discussing Eren’s actions in the last arc from a moralistic point of view, because this would be another topic entirely, I’m talking about what makes sense in the narrative that has been presented to us since the Paths chapters started and Eren’s plan was revealed. For example, however awful the contents of the scene was, Eren manipulating Grisha to kill the Reiss family was not only amazingly written and drawn in chapter 121 but also narratively motivated by the fact he needed the Founding Titan’s power. This scene also had other functions, such as revealing the Attack Titan’s premonition powers or making Zeke interact with Grisha and understand the truth about his father. Compared to this, the “moment” we have in 139, this abrupt, absurd revelation about him indirectly killing his mother is rushed and nonsensical. Even if this was to kickstart the whole story by awakening his hatred for the titans, I can’t help but feel shaken by how... gratuitous a “plot-twist” it is. What does it say about the attachment Eren had to his mother and her words to him? (”because he was born into this world”). This nullifies one of the most impactful scenes of the manga, because the ending makes it clear that in the end, existing as a human being by the simple virtue of being born wasn’t enough for him. It just couldn’t be, for some reason that I’m yet to fully understand. Instead, he endured and endured, and never got to experience the simple, humane existence Carla wished for him. So were these beautiful words a lie all along? Why did Isayama go to such an extreme with Dina? The only conclusion I can come to is that it’s because he needed Eren to be absolutely, totally irredeemeable. Eren needed, storywise, to be this unstoppable extremist who would get burned to ashes by his uncontrollable desires.

Because yes, apparently, Eren had to die. There was no escape. Worst of all, Eren died a slave. A slave to his desire for freedom. A slave to the destiny he saw at age 15. A slave to his titan powers. This is what I truly can’t forgive about this ending. I won’t stand for the “but he chose this” answer, because it was a choice made out of despair, and all the alternatives are presented as non viable by the narrative (are they really though? or is it just a cope-out to justify the last arc of the manga unfolding as it did?). In short, Isayama justifies this “choice” that was forced on Eren by telling us: his life was destined to be short, he had a violent side he just wouldn’t repress, Mikasa didn’t give him the answer he wanted, he was overwhelmed by what he saw, and their enemies were zeroing in on them. Canonically, all of this made him start the Rumbling. Fine. But I always thought that, at the end of it all, even if Eren were to die, this narrative would be challenged. That Eren would at least have a big cathartic moment, and that he would make another choice upon realising that the freedom he looked for was illusory, and that he would fight to the bitter end for what was right, what he truly wanted, before finally either going to rest or living on with the burden of his actions but the support of his loved ones. I wished for the perfect blend of bitterness and hope. The tragedy of irredeemeable actions completed by the powerful liberation of free will. The idea that change is possible.

But what did we get instead? Eren reaffirming that the Rumbling would have happened anyway while feeling tremendous guilt, as usual (living a life with regrets, and consequently, a death with regrets), refusing the support Armin was ready to lend him (refusing to even try to defy what he thinks is his destiny and pushing others away again) and erasing the memories of all his friends after having manipulated them into ending him against their wishes (going against the most basic concept of freedom). And because we as readers and he as a character have to suffer until the very end, Eren finally clearly expressed his wish to live, to stay with Mikasa and his friends. Only to die 5 pages later, for good.

The main character of this story truly died as a disembodied head, in a titan’s mouth, killed by the person he loved the most before being buried in a nameless grave. One of his mottos was “fight”, but in the end, he didn’t. He let fate happen. In a story about freedom, this is unfathomable. This is beyond the realm of sadness for me, and I’m leaning more and more towards indignation. Where was his dignity as a character? I know that Mikasa, Armin and the others know “the truth about him” but I’m sorry, this isn’t enough. Now, if I ever get the strength to re-read SnK, I won’t be able to look at Eren without thinking about all the things he sacrificed: love, friendship, happiness, humanity, morals, principles, justice, freedom, the lives of countless others, the peace of mind of the person he loves, and his own life. A sacrifice so great should have gotten us a reward as great, if not greater. But we only got the end of the titan curse, without even an apparition or a word from Ymir, the one who actually started all of this, and now Paradis is ruled by the Yeagerists or something. The wings of freedom defaced by two rifles. How great. How satisfying.

In the end, I can’t really fathom what Isayama wanted to say with this chapter. The story itself, the 138 chapters that preceded it seemed clear to me. The world is cruel but also very beautiful. But after having read 139, I don’t know where the freedom the characters chased is. I don’t know why love was portrayed as something so precious but also something that in the end was predestined to be discarded. I don’t know why characters such as Mikasa went against fate only to be crushed by it further down the road.

I never thought that SnK would go into this almost grimdark direction, but it did. I can barely find the beauty in this chapter. Mikasa’s last panels are heartbreaking, but even the strength of her love can’t shine through the countless sacrifices the characters - and especially she and Eren - made, for the sake of a future that already seems extremely compromised. I guess that all in all, the world’s cruelty overshadows everything, and those who make the greatest sacrifices also are those who never get repaid. The world is unfair. I know that, but it was my naive wish that reading a piece of fiction would help me take my mind off this reality by showing me there is also more to it.

PS: the best moment in the chapter was those panels:

Finally, even if it was too little and too late, someone showed Eren he wasn’t alone, and didn’t need to be. RIP, my beautiful boy. You truly did deserve better than what this story allowed you to be.

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terramythos · 3 years

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TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 3 of 26

Title: Acceptance (The Southern Reach #3) (2014) - REREAD

Author: Jeff VanderMeer

Genre/Tags: Horror, Science Fiction, Ecological Horror, Cosmic Horror, Weird, First-Person, Second-Person, Third-Person, Unreliable Narrator, Female Protagonists, LGBT Protagonist

Rating: 10/10

Date Began: 1/11/2021

Date Finished: 1/20/2021

Area X, a self-aware wilderness along the coast, has existed for decades behind a mysterious border. The landscape itself annihilates humans and repurposes them for its own ends. Hundreds of people have died attempting to uncover its secrets. But no one has yet discovered its origins or true purpose.

Now, Area X has spread past its former borders, perhaps to the entire world. Acceptance follows several key figures through the history of Area X, and their attempts to fight against an impossible threat.

You feel numb and you feel broken, but there’s a strange relief mixed in with the regret: to come such a long way, to come to a halt here, without knowing how it will turn out, and yet... to rest. To come to rest. Finally. All your plans back at the Southern Reach, the agonizing and constant fear of failure or worse, the price of that... all of it leaking out into the sand beside you in gritty red pearls.

Full review, major spoilers, and content warning(s) under the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Extreme body horror, altered states of mind, and psychological manipulation, including hypnosis. Several characters lose their sanity, and you see it happen in real time from their perspective. Intentional self-harm/mutilation as a plot point. Some violence and gore. There are brief references to animal abuse and terminal cancer. Not many happy endings in this one.

This review contains major series spoilers. It’s also super long, as the book covers a lot of material.

Acceptance is the most narratively ambitious book in the Southern Reach trilogy. While Annihilation and Authority feature a single protagonist/perspective, this one has four rotating POVs and one guest narrator partway through the book. It also covers a broader timeline than previous entries, from the origins of Area X 30-ish years ago to the ongoing present-day apocalypse. Acceptance is one of the few books I've read that utilizes first-, second-, AND third-person narration in a single volume, adopting whichever one makes the most sense for the character and their situation

While this sounds complicated, it's basically just a way to tell four different stories at the same time. VanderMeer also uses each storyline to address the major questions of the series. How did Area X come to be? What happened to the biologist? What was the former director of the Southern Reach trying to accomplish? And perhaps most pressing-- what is the fate of the world now that Area X has spread? Not everything is resolved, but it's definitely a conclusion.

The stories have some unifying connections, containing similar themes and callbacks/references to each other. However, for the purposes of this review I will be looking at each story and protagonist individually.

First up is Saul Evans the lighthouse keeper. He's been mentioned before, but never in much detail. Going in, we know a few things-- (1) he knew the director/Cynthia when she was a child and (2) something happened to him that turned him into the Crawler, the eldritch creature which writes the sermon on the walls of the tower in Area X. In Acceptance, we learn he's a former preacher who had a crisis of faith and left his old life, taking up the role of lighthouse keeper on the forgotten coast. It's implied this is partially due to him realizing he's gay and fleeing the resulting homophobic fallout. His past vocation explains the elevated, sermonic language of the words in the tower.

From the onset Saul is an intensely likeable character. He's trying to build a happier and more genuine life for himself. This part probably takes place during the 70s or 80s, but he's cautiously optimistic about his new life with a local fisherman named Charlie. He also forms an unlikely friendship with Gloria (aka Cynthia), a local kid who loves exploring the coast. However, he is tormented by the "Séance and Science Brigade", a shady organization that investigates/worships(?) paranormal phenomena. They sabotage the lighthouse beacon, which we learned in Authority is a marvelous piece of technology with a mysterious history. Shortly after, Saul accidentally absorbs a fragment of the beacon into himself, and shit goes downhill real fast.

While the catalyst of Area X may seem a little weird, the reader can piece together that part of the beacon has extraterrestrial origins, and Saul unintentionally activates part of it. The gradual shift from a normal life to something deeply unsettling has its appeal. I especially like seeing his logs/journal entries and how they devolve as proto-Area X overtakes his mind. The disturbing bar scene near the end is great as well. We know going in that this story has a bad ending (from a human perspective), but learning specifics about Saul as a person gives this more impact. Saul's is a sad tale of a man who wants to make a better life for himself and gets screwed over by bad luck.

Cynthia/Gloria/the former director is the next perspective character. In Annihilation she serves as the antagonist, but in Authority we learn it isn't that simple. She had ulterior motives, handpicking the biologist for the expedition in order to use her as a weapon against Area X. And, of course, we learn she was the little girl in that old picture of Saul, which means she probably grew up there before the border came down.

This part opens with Cynthia/Gloria's death as "the psychologist" in Annihilation, but told from her perspective. From there, the pacing is a little slow, in similar style to Authority. We learn how Cynthia lived her daily life, how she infiltrated the Southern Reach, and her interpersonal relationships with Grace, Whitby, and Lowry. However, her storyline ramps up when detailing Area X and the lead up to twelfth expedition. Lots of old scenes/dynamics from Annihilation hit different with the new context. Especially interesting is the interview between Cynthia and the biologist; turns out there was a lot more context that the biologist obscured in her story. On some level we already knew she was an unreliable narrator, but it's fun to have it pop up again in a different book entirely.

I admire how VanderMeer makes someone who comes off as a throwaway villain into the one of the most complex, important characters in the series. This part is also really cool as it's written in second-person perspective, and the story justification for this (Area X examining her memories) is neat. While I like Cynthia's characterization in this part, the additional bits in Saul's story and his interactions with Gloria add helpful context and emotional impact. The end of the book being her letter to Saul is so damn sad.

The third main storyline follows Control and Ghost Bird in the "current" timeline-- exploring Area X in the immediate fallout of Authority. I love this part for several reasons. The contrast between the two leads and how they perceive themselves, Area X, and the current situation is great. Control is very much losing control, feeling "the brightness" taking over (a callback to Annihilation). Meanwhile, Ghost Bird is in her element, seeing and experiencing things the regular human characters do not. There's the sense that she's truly something "new" in terms of both humanity and Area X.

We also learn a ton of stuff about Area X that is hinted in earlier volumes but confirmed in Acceptance. (MAJOR SPOILERS) The first is that Area X isn't on Earth at all; something briefly hinted at in Annihilation, when the biologist doesn't recognize the stars in the sky. Instead it mimics Earth, or something representative of it. The second big thing is that time works differently here. The uncanny state of decay noted in earlier books isn't actually a direct result of Area X. It's just the passage of time, because way more time passes in Area X compared to the "real" world.

The guest narrator/story is told within the Control/Ghost Bird storyline. The two meet up with Grace, who has managed to survive the Area X attack on the Southern Reach. She took shelter on the mysterious northern island and discovered an old journal written by... the biologist from Annihilation, which details what happened to her over the last THIRTY YEARS (yeah, the time thing) until she finally decided to give into Area X.

This section is sobering and sad; basically a glimpse at how the biologist's isolation slowly made her go mad. She finds an owl (hello cover) that she believes is her husband post Area X conversion and the two live together for decades. When it dies, the biologist loses the will to keep fighting Area X. It's ambiguous if the owl really is her husband, or if she's just projecting, but her heartbreak at the end is probably the strongest emotion she shows in the series. But what is interesting about this part is it confirms a cool detail. Injury and pain can halt the progression of "the brightness" within someone. Which is how the biologist managed to survive 30 years, how Grace survived what turns out to be 3 years, and so on. Even more interesting, when someone DOES finally succumb after warding off the brightness this way, they turn into something more strange and alien. Hence the moaning creature, and Saul/the Crawler. It's also probably why some creatures have incongruencies, like the dolphins with human eyes.

The biologist? She transformed into a giant, oceanic eldritch abomination COVERED in eyes. Just primo aesthetic. We get to see her from both Ghost Bird and Control's perspectives. Ghost Bird feels solidarity and a sort of euphoria meeting her alternate self. Control... basically breaks in the face of something like that, full cosmic horror style. Again, the contrast here is really appealing to me.

Both of their story arcs end in a way that is narratively satisfying, though the ending is open. The future seems hopeful in a bittersweet way, but presumably Area X has destroyed humanity as we know it. Whether that's a good or bad thing depends on your perspective and is a central thesis of the series.

So, I said I'd discuss how this series approaches aliens. While there's an appeal to anthropomorphic alien species one can talk to and communicate with, I think an "unknowable" perspective is more realistic. After all, who's to say alien life formed under similar conditions or has any resemblance to our own? The extraterrestrial element in The Southern Reach is very much this type. But it's a fine line to walk in fiction, because handwaving the weird alien stuff as impossible to comprehend (and thus conveniently ducking any responsibility for explaining it) is lazy writing when done wrong.

The thing I find interesting about this series is the human characters understand lots of the what of the alien elements, but not the why. For example, Area X transforms humans into various plants and animals. We know it instills a sense of "brightness" in humans exposed for too long, which encourages assimilation into itself. Humans infected in this way, even if horrified or resistant, have thoughts of this being inevitable, even a good thing. The biologist takes samples in Annihilation and finds several plants and animals have human cells. Control logically knows what Area X does to people, but he is ultimately helpless to resist the process when he experiences it firsthand.

As for the why of it all... we don't really know! There's multiple ideas presented throughout the story. Ghost Bird probably gets closest to the "truth"; that Area X is part of a machine organism from a dead alien civilization, and that it has a bizarre effect on Earth's biology based on its now defunct programming. Other worlds would have their own Area Xes based on this idea, as it's implied the Earth version is just one piece of many. But it's worth noting that Ghost Bird is a creation of Area X and sees things differently than the other characters. Unreliable narration is ironically consistent through the series. So it's hard to say if this is true or not; perhaps it's silly to think any explanation would be understandable to a human mind. Obsession with finding the answer is a recurring theme that drives characters insane. I think this is an interesting compromise when discussing the unknowable; to have some facts and theories but not necessarily a concrete answer.

If I have a criticism for this book, it's the role of the "Séance and Science Brigade", especially in Saul's storyline. While they're set up earlier in the series, we only really see them in this book. Our limited perspective via Saul leaves a lot of ambiguity as to their purpose, function, and goals. There's an implication that Control's family influenced the organization's decision to sabotage the beacon and create Area X. But I consider the subplot with Control's mom/grandfather to be one of the weaker ones in the series, and this book didn't help. The S&SB comes off as campy and ineffectual, which is perhaps intentional? But since they're narratively the fanatics who caused Area X to happen, I really wish they felt more sinister and impactful. There's some attempt to make them scary, but it's not very convincing when compared to Area X. Kind of like a Saturday morning cartoon villain vs the unknowable cosmic horror of the universe. This is a nitpick, though.

While rereading the series, I discovered there's a planned fourth book which may or may not star a minor character from Saul's story. I'm interested to see what else there is to explore about Area X and the Southern Reach. As it stands, I still really like this series. Between the horror and general weirdness, it's not for everyone, but it sure does appeal to me. I think this is one of those series that you'll either adore or hate. Obviously I recommend it.

#taylor reads #2021 reading challenge #10/10 #long review lmao

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snkpolls · 4 years

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SnK Chapter 132 Results

The chapter poll closed with 1,746 responses. This month’s chapter poll results were brought to you by /u/_Puppet_, /u/staraves, @momtaku, @shifter-lines and /u/berthototototo

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,693 responses

When we compare “Wings of Freedom” with other chapter results we’ve recorded, it comes in 25th out of 41, making it middle of the pack as far as ratings go. Looking at the chapter on it’s own, however, it’s very well received with nearly 86% of the fandom rating it good (30.4%) or great (55.3%).

I think it was definitely just a classic aot chapter, had that plot that always had you on the edge of your toes, had the emotional moments, the momentary funny and bittersweet moments, 10/10 chapter

It couldn’t have gone any better besides Hange’s death :/

wish Floch got a little more screen time upon death but otherwise, awesome chapter.

It felt a little bit rushed but I enjoyed it nonetheless

It was so well executed yet so sad. I'm pride of our Hanji but feel so much distress thinking it's over for her.

It was a great emotional piece, and last moment before the true final battle begins. There’s no going back.

It was a good chapter but I would’ve liked if there was more dialogue between the alliance members

The deaths were rushed and poorly written

It was good, but alliance focused chapters are still a drop in quality.

It was a solid chapter and did what it aimed to do well, though I think it had pacing issues with the two deaths.

It had a little something for everyone. Except Zeke stans.

WE’LL GET TO THE GOODBYES IN A SECOND, BUT FIRST, WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT?

1,695 responses

Hange’s sacrifice was the moment that people liked the most at 30%, and seeing the old Survey Corp crew was a stand-out moment for 21%. Seeing Mikasa and Annie have an almost casual conversation brought joy to 12.1%, and Floch’s determination and brutal death were appreciated most by 11.6%.

I love the final shots of the scouts being shown in the afterlife. Ty Isayama

The little moments between the characters was great because it reminds us that they're still human.

The overall scene was legendary seeing Hange dying for her comrades and even in her last seconds she thought that she sacrificed herself in order for her comrades to live. That's what she thought a great commander would look like. That's why Hange was one of the best commanders of the Scouts.

Mikasa is such a boss, love seeing her fight and hopefully we'll get more big moments from her (as opposed to Levi).

Chad, King, hero. Every moment that Floch was in is a great scene.

I loved the Colossus slipping down the mountain

My favorite part is Kiyomi refilling coal with a shovel alone :)

WHICH OF THE GOODBYES WAS YOUR FAVORITE 1,699 responses

In a chapter filled with goodbyes it was Levi and Hange’s final moments that we found most endearing with close to 60% selecting it. “Please don’t make me choose” was a very distant second with 14.7%. Interestingly Annie and Reiner (10.4%) beat out Annie and Armin (6.5%) for third place.

i think isayama truly gave hange a great goodbye, and writing them still being cheerful and joking around made me feel so much more for their death.

It made me cry because of all the goodbyes. It reminded me of Erwin saying goodbye to the people inside the walls and people of the military. And his iconic “roar”. All of that before the battle.

Hange’s and Levi’s goodbye was very well done (that look in Levi’s eyes too, ouch), props to Isayama for breaking my heart.

The Reiner/Annie hug was all I could ask for, bless Yams.

I wanted a Levihan moment for this chapter and NOT a last levihan scene 😭

WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER’S MVP? 1,700 responses

Who else could it be? Hange Zoe is the chapter MVP according to two-thirds of all poll respondents. Floch (13%), Engineer-kun (3.4%) and Mikasa (2.6%) all got tiny slivers of the remaining pie.

Hange was truly the hero of this chapter and i'm so happy to have been witness to their characters journey over the years!

Hange is overall my second favourite character and I looked up to them. For me Hange is the true embodiment for the Survey Corps which is for Humanity and their courage, optimism and selflessness really made me love them so much.

Hange was a flawed commander. We all know this. They made mistakes like any other human being would when faced with the stress of a leadership position. They tried desperately to fill Erwins shoes but in the end accepted that they should be themselve. But overall Hange Zoe is an incredible person and I will miss them so

Best girl Mikasa rocked it this chapter with the way she swiftly killed Floch!

While I don't agree with some of Floch's beliefs, he died trying to save his home by slowing down the Alliance. Goodnight, sweet prince!

Floch did his best he anchored all the way from the beginning to the hangar with a bullet wound and that mustve hurt like hell all that salt water coming in

Someone please send me help I can't do this my family and friends got so worried because I've changed. They be like "Bro you've changed and I be like yeah Hange died bro what do you expect I'm in genuine pain you won't understand."

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT HANGE’S HEROIC EXIT? 1,701 responses

Just over half of respondents loved the way Hange went out at 51.4%, and 26.5% liked it despite some quibbles. Not many of us saw it coming but it was at least emotional and a badass way to go. However, 9.6% hated it – there is an undeniable trend of every vaguely older character getting the chop. Who will poor Levi sit with in the retirement home with now?! 6.8% don’t really care about how the scene went. I suppose they’re the ones most prepared if no one in SnK gets to go to the retirement home.

A great ending to an amazing character, it's sad to see her go, but her time was up and she died fighting the creatures she loved.

I'm disturbed by how much it affected me

I loved it, but its not something i'll cry over.

I don't hate it but it did seem kinda unnecessary tbh could've been better

I STILL CAN'T STOP CRYING ABOUT IT. OPTION ONE IS GOOD BUT DOESN'T EXPRESS HOW MUCH THIS CHAPTER HURT ME.

It does break my heart,however the way and the time she do that, That was... Memorable

It happened too quickly for me to consider it perfect, but I'm glad she got to go out on her own terms.

Not heroic at all, she didn't even stop the colossals and was a cheap way for her to never face the consequences of her betraying the island

It was dope but Floch indirectly killed her so he takes that dub

I'M STILL CRYING ABOUT IT, SHE WENT OUT LIKE A FUCKING CHAMP

I'm super frustrated that she died, but she was heroic

She’s a traitor, nothing more to be said

i hated it. it was perfect. she really did go out with a bang and i hate it

Felt a bit pointless, would've loved to see some emphasize why it was crucial to kill these exact two titans. For me it looked like plain suicide

Had to go through the 5 stages of grief after that one, honestly. I was so angry immediately afterward because Hange is my favorite character of all time in any piece of media, losing them was almost like losing someone I've known and cared about for almost 7 years of my life. I've now come to accept that maybe death is the only happy ending any character can achieve in this story.

I don’t want to think about it

I don't like the idea of every Scout commander having a ""curse"" that they have to inevitably pay for with their lives. They're outstanding people and volunteers, just like their comrades, no one forced them to join.

WHAT WAS THE ASPECT YOU LIKED MOST ABOUT HANGE’S LAST MOMENTS? 1,687 responses

This question was fun to write but looking at the even distribution of selections, I suspect choosing an answer was difficult. Levi saying devote your heart to Hange was top pick with close to 30% selecting it. Retaining their sense of humor to the end (17.1%), being able to reunite with their old comrades (14.7%), having a moment of amazement while confronting the titans (14.4%), being able to die on their own terms and say goodbye (12.3%), stealing death from Reiner yet again (8.2%) and telling Armin he can boss Levi around (3.4%) were the other selections.

I really love Hange and when i see her died and see erwin and other old friends and morbit helping her i just cannot cry (sorry for my english im french ^^)

I was never a really big fan of Hange, but that exit was badass as hell.

It was a heroic death but it felt forced and unnecessary and she was my favorite character, so I'm extremely salty and in denial.

Hange seemed too eager to just die, like welp, i guess my contract is up, gotta go die.....It felt like when actors are written off a show

I never really considered myself a fan of her, but her death got me good. I think it was because how she marvelled and was genuinely amazed by titans, even in her final moments.

glad to see the old titan obsessed hange back before her final sacrifice

Most people seem to think that Hange's death was a bullshit ending, but I think that it was perfect, going out the way they were introduced.

To have hange say that titans are amazing before she dies was just perfect! It shows how she stayed true to herself until the end. And the part where she reunited with Moblit, Erwin, Mike and the others was so beautiful.

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE HANGE QUOTE THIS CHAPTER? 1,686 responses

Hange really got to shine this chapter as we’re reminded of how off-kilter and fun they can be, even when the situation is at its most serious. We got a chapter chock full of memorable lines, but the favorite was of course “Titans really are incredible,” a call back to the reverence and respect for titans that made so many love the character to begin with.

"titans.. are truly incredible." was a fitting last(ish) words for hange.

SO GOES THE 14TH COMMANDER OF THE SCOUTS, HANGE ZOE, FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF THEIR PREDECESSORS. WHAT ARE YOUR FINAL THOUGHTS ON THEIR OVERALL LEGACY? 802 responses

GOAT

I think their legacy is one of grit and determination in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. Not as revolutionary as say, Erwin, but they were perseverant and selfless, and innovative in their own right, as a scientist and researcher, always seeking new possibilities.

I will always remember Hange as our awesome scientist who came up with ideas for weapons! and was passionate about titans! and would stand up for a better comprehension of them instead of... whatever it is that Isayama made of Hange post-time skip that they no longer could shine about anything or would even reflect about what Eren was going through. Love you, Hange, you deserved that we followed your struggles more closely. <3

Hange became the commander in the most difficult moment and had bad times having to deal with politics, a whole new world and their own powerlessness. I think the Alliance is their most precious legacy and it really represents the old SC's spirit.

I adored seeing them go from loony scientist to a powerful and serious commander, even if it did come with a boatload of trauma. I also respect the hell out of them for being willing to watch their own culture destroyed if it meant not committing genocide. On a more personal note, as a nonbinary person it's just been really wonderful to see a character like Hange treated with such respect.

Amazing character and leader. Not on Erwin's level but she was a badass 😭😭 #rip

*you tried star*

A bit hypocritical. She was willing to stop Eren and endanger all Eldiana to save strangers from other nations that want to kill them. She also says killing is wrong, but proceeds to kill multiple Eldians unbothered, but when she sees Marleyans or people from other nations, she softens up.

Being a commander is not an easy job, and Hange's start was even more difficult because of Zeke annihilating like 90%(??) of the Scouts and the reveal in the basement and the crisis that followed. Still, she kept going, never giving up, even if she clearly had some moments of selfdoubt. I feel like Hange can be proud of herself and the life she lived, and I am happy that she was able go in her own terms. Her death bought them precious time, but it was a great loss as well. I feel a bit empty and wistful...

Brilliant character, brilliant way to let them go. I’m most interested to see how this death will effect Armin and his leadership as they alliance approach the founding titan. I’m also glad we got to see them in the afterlife, that was a bittersweet comfort.

Every commander dies young, rip armin

Hange was annoying. Glad they're dead.

Hange was incredible in their own field of interest, but definitely not fit to be the commander. Loved how they could be themself once again at the end.

Followed in Erwin's footsteps and even went beyond. Hange will be remembered as the commander who took Paradis from the titans and who explored beyond the island for the first time in 100+ years. Plus a rational commander, putting facts and science before everything else, as well as grasping how important diplomacy and politics are even beyond Paradis. Also although quirky, an example of tolerance.

Fuck that.. Their death was worthy of them.. it was a very sweet goodbye.. But I really thought they would make it to the end... And I really wanted them to. Hange was such an important character, they did so much for the cause and for everyone. They were someone who could be trusted but who didn't hesitate to do what had to be done. Incredibly smart and humbled, I just wish they believed in themselves a bit more.. cus they are incredible.

Hange was given a shit-circus to try and handle- complete with clowns, children causing mayhem, and a giant fucking monkey.

Her "gEnOcIdE iS wRoNg" quote with no actual solution in 126 really turned me off for her for a while as a character; overall however, Hange was one of the more memorable and likable characters from the series and it's sad to see her go.

Given the difficult job of rebuilding the Survey Corps after its destruction with very little help. Had to deal with the wannabe hegemon in Zackly who was doing lots of underhanded power grabs in the background. Had to deal with a populace who finally realized they were not alone. Had to deal with a moody weapon known as the Attack titan who knew all the answers but shared it with no one. Poor Hange who was never given a chance for victory

Hange was amazing character that got entirely too much flack for not being a "good commander" This is a character that above all stayed true to themselves in what they fought for and believed in.

Hange Zoe spat on the legacy of the scouting league by squandering their sacrifice to protect their families and communities. Hange's actions if successful will likely lead to the deaths of all their families which is something they would never support.

Considering how we never truly knew if Erwin was totally devoted to humanity or totally selfish, and considering Shardiz' inferiority complex, Hanji was the true one who gave her whole being to humanity and who truly embodied Survey Corps' abnegation, without any regard toward such senseless conception like homeland. No wonder why the title of her final battle is "Wings of Freedom"

Legendary commanders, each one going out with with a bang. Erwin going out by distracting Monke and Levi taking him out. Hange going out by taking care of a few Bert ripoffs, having the alliance survive a few more hours. And Armin, wait-

Hange helped the main characters in the story with her quick thinking and managed to put the missing pieces into place for us. Their different outlook on the whole situation gave us a fresh perspective and there’ll be no one else like them.

hange is great!!! too bad she tortured bean and sawney tho and sannes smh but 10/10 regardless love that mad scientist

Hange embodied the spirit of the survey corp. She was the commander that made unlikely alliances and advanced Paradis infrastructure.

Hange has been one of my favorite characters. They are the best Titan Scientist. RIP.

Thank you Hange, you did great 💖

FLOCH FINALLY GOT THE GLOCK. OR ACTUALLY, THE ANCHOR. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF HIS LAST HURRAH? 1,660 responses

Let’s not forget that Hange wasn’t the only major death in this chapter. After months of being voted most likely to die, Floch’s time finally came. About 30% of respondents are just celebrating that he’s finally dead, a quarter are glad he’s dead but got this last fun scene, and 20.4% are glad he was able to screw with the alliance once more before dying.

🦀🦀🦀FLOCH IS DEAD🦀🦀🦀

A fitting ending for an interesting, yet very unpleasant character. Love how his death was contrasted with Hange's, and the fact that Mikasa was the one to off him (the symbolism of the person who represents Eren's humanity killing the person who keeps referring to him as the devil is... well, not subtle but it can't be ignored).

Could have done more, but he never wavered or lost his convictions, more of a hero than any of the alliance will ever be

he should have been dead since 129, makes no sense

He should've stayed on the island and failed

Died a hero, wouldn’t even beg for his life but for his friends and countrymen instead

Even though I didn't really like him, I have my full respect to him for following his beliefs till his last breath

Floch is one of the best characters, and most complex characters, he got a very good ending.

I love eren’s boyfriend ♡

He died a hero's death after carrying chapters 124-130 on his back. He also did nothing wrong.

He's a mega chad and I love him. Managing to survive underwater for 2 days and slowly losing blood, and then shooting the ship to stop the Alliance, and then having a bomb-ass speech? He was a legend that needs to be appreciated more.

His arm should've been blown off to begin with and even if it wasn't, he should've died from hypothermia. I think it was needed drama, but done poorly.

His death was far better executed than I thought. He shot the fuel tank instead of one of the SC or one of the engineers/Onyankopon. That should tells you that he just want them to stop, not killing them all. He stays true to his belief of saving Paradis by following Eren, even in his last words he is pleading for Paradis' instead of his own live. From someone whose country has been colonized once, I say that is a true soldier for his nation.

Oh fuck off floch, he was a dick with volatile ideals anyway. Fuck that guy honestly. Like I agree with his stance but like. Everytime it feels oddly implanted when he has an opinion, like he does think with his own head but gets influenced very easily into changing sides too fast? Like, he does the right things but jot for the right reasons because he doesn't really think them through enough? That's my vibe. Idk. Ignore all my answers I feel stupid

RIP Hero of Paradis. To save your civilisation is an admirable goal, although it being achieved through genocide is still morally wrong

I'm sad he didn't get to know how Eren used him.

FLOCH FORSTER WAS A COMMANDER IN HIS OWN RIGHT, FIGHTING HIS WAY UP FROM HIS ORIGINS AS A BACKGROUND CHARACTER. ANY OVERALL THOUGHTS ON THE BIRD NEST BOI AND HIS IMPACT ON THE STORY? 912 responses

Best boy. Fly high you little devil :(( <3

a bitch but i respect the fact that he did what he believed in (even if its genocide😕)

Controversially, I have no opinion on him.

Ding dong the witch is dead

A character that was perfectly written for his purpose. AoT World isnt black and white and he showed us. Pain and loss made the Floch that died in 132. but Eldia and Marley made the Floch that survived to see all his comrades dead.

Floch is shit :) but also is a good character because its represents a real human.

A complete and satisfying character. It's not easy to summarize, but the way he went from a naive gloryhound to a single-minded guy trying to make his own survival/the deaths from the charge mean something while still remaining a relatively normal, unremarkable soldier was great. Also, I appreciate how he, Eren, and the Yeagerists basically reenacted Uprising by overthrowing a regime that would've just continued the royal family-eating and messed around until the island got destroyed. The prediction from Sannes all those years ago turned out to be too accurate, unfortunately.

A lot of people did hate Floch, I didn't. I think adding Floch to the story was just as essential as the other supporting characters. He played out a good and effectively annoying enemy. I think in every Action-thriller story, a Floch is a must as a villain. The hate on Floch reminded me of the hate on Joffrey from Game of Thrones. But Joffrey did have a great impact on the story, so did Floch. The way he was written just really did manage to get on our nerves, and I think that's what makes a character great.

A true patriot.

An asshole but at least he went out feeling like a rounded character

An nazi ass bitch

Based and Redpilled

Best character not named Eren or Erwin.

By far exceeded expectations.

Disagree with his agenda, but he's a very real character and a representation of the monster someone can become when driven by survivor's guilt and trauma.

He was the literally epitome of a roller coaster ride.

Floch always felt like a background character, and even though he gets far more to do than other background characters, he never felt like an actual person but rather just a plot device. He has no personality.

Floch was surprisingly good given he was such a minor character. He fully displayed the shades of gray of the narrative.

Heck him >:(

Floch has always been someone who held an opposing view to the main cast, and his entire arc revolved around his need to "bring back the devil" in order to ensure the safety of his land and his people. Some people seem to have forgotten that, but at his core he never changed. Sad to see him go out like this.

Floch has my respect for fighting until the very end (and even after the end since we all thought he'd been killed by Gabi) for what he believes in, but obviously it is not what I and my favourite characters believe in, so I'm glad he's gone. His impact is great as he earned the title of "most tenacious villain ever" when he only really started as a coward rookie soldier many chapters ago. Also props to him for holding onto this boat for such a long time and being up for a fight after probably being hauled in the sea and swallow more water he ever had his entire life.

The panel of him shushing Hanji will always be iconic. His descent into nationalism (new Eldian empire, anyone?) however, was not so cash money"

When Floch had captured Miss Kiyomi (ch. 128) he dismissed what she said and had his speech about ‘it’s important to know your place’, and then not even a minute later he was taken down by this same old lady smh. Previously, he wanted to kill Onyankopon and Yelena, but Jean deceived him and he failed. Later, he wanted to kill someone on the boat, but Gabi shot him and he failed. He wanted to stop the alliance, but Mikasa got him with her anchor and he didn’t just fail, he died. I’ve seen some readers applaud him for fighting for what he believes in and having a strong will, but they don’t see what else there is. Strong will? Not giving up? So many characters have the same traits in AoT. The difference is that Floch repeatedly never achieved what he wanted to accomplish, despite his strong will and belief to not give up. His determination and willpower made him achieve nothing. By contrast, Hange’s will and determination to keep fighting made her kill about 2-4 colossals and save her allies just in time for them to get away. Is the difference obvious enough? Their deaths are even put in the same chapter. Floch was not important, admirable, or whatever you want to praise him like. He kept interfering with the alliance and for what? He simply never knew his place.

He played a larger role than I ever thought he would and became one of the most interesting characters during this time. I’m glad he was here to push the story along, and I’ll miss him.

His fans are insufferable but he is a needed counterbalance to the alliance characters and stuck to his beliefs to the end.

He started up as a fodder and ends up as one of the biggest threats for SC. I might be in the minority when I said I already like him since pre time skip. He showed us how the war is like from the perspective of a normal soldier, not the talented ones who got into the 10 top ranks. Just a normal soldier who was inspired by the words of his leader to devote his heart, and came to a realization that it's an actual hell, just like reality. Maybe he's wrong to vent about choosing Armin instead of Erwin when Armin was feeling down, but I can understand. All his friends died, he's currently having emotional and survivor trauma over the suicide charge, and all of those sufferings came to a waste because of the people in front of him.

Pee pee poo poo

Good riddance. What a worthless pile of garbage.

Goodnight sweet prince

ARMIN WANTS TO BRING ALONG THE LEFTOVER EXPLOSIVES. HOW WILL THEY BE USED? 1,638 responses

Chekov’s explosives are now in play. 37.7% of you think they’ll be used to try to blow Eren out of his nape, and 33.7% think they’ll definitely be used for another suicide mission.

Another failed suicide attempt by Reiner

Any of the above, depending on the situation. I think Armin isn't really thinking of anything in particular, simply that having the option to explode something is better than not.

Armin could use them as a suicide necklace to threaten Eren. If Eren still cares for Armin he may stop the rumbling if he knows it will stop Armin from killing himself and possibly Mikasa.

dude there's been so many unexpected turns and plot twists right now I really don't want to make any assumption. But the plane idea is interesting.

i still think armin will fight eren with his colossal titan. I can only hope for something truly epic.

I think they'll be used for more than one of the above

Idk, but for sure they want to damage Eren's Titan to buy some time in doing something

If Eren doesn’t comply I’d assume they will be used to destroy his “nape” if they can even find it. Someone probably has to go on a suicide mission to do so.

Kamikaze Onyankopon like its written all over the poor fellas face,

Levi will suicide bomb Zeke to cut off Eren's connection to paths

make my brain explode hopefully since this plot is ridiculously bad

Only Armin (and Isayama) knows how the explosives will be used. I'm sure it will have something to do with stopping Eren.

Plan A: Blast Eren nape, but it will fail so Plan B: Kamikaze

Reiner will try to use the bombs to commit suicide and take Eren with himself

they'll probably kaboom zook with that idk (I missed my monke so so much)

They will be as useful as farting on Eren.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MIKASA AND ANNIE’S CONVERSATION? 1,665 responses

Mikasa and Annie have a heart to heart near the start of the chapter, after being rivals early in the story. The two most popular options were being in awe of the cuteness when Armin became the topic, at 34%, and just loving seeing these two characters interact, at 31.3%. 17.5% are wondering how they made the switch to friends so quickly, 9.5% view it as rehashing what’s already been talked about, and 7.8% are more interested in that Mikannie action.

Mikasa's reaction was so cute after realizing Annie has a thing for Armin.

The chapter was also surprisingly humorous, with Mikasa's reaction to learning Annie likes Armin having me burst out laughing.

The sudden closeness between Alliance members who used to be enemies, such as Mikasa/Annie, feel forced and unearned, and the extra Armin/Annie shipping is just unnecessary and a waste of panels when we are so close to the ending yet many things still need closure.

Aruani😍

Mikasa and Annie's conversation almost made me gag because I feel so sorry for Annie having to put up with the constant misunderstanding of her feelings. Annie is aromantic and Mikasa needs to sit down and respect that fact quite like Armin himself does.

I legit laughed out loud when reading Mikasa and Annie's chit chat. At 1 AM.

MIKASA TELLS ANNIE SHE HAS KEPT THE SCARF WITH HER. WHAT DO YOU THINK HER PLAN IS? 1,662 responses

The scarf has become an actual plot point as of late, with Louise stealing it and now this. Will it be important for the end game? 45.1% of you believe Mikasa will use it to try to see if the Eren she used to know, who gave it to her is still in there somewhere. 29.1% of you don’t think she has any particular plans as of yet. 15.2% think she’ll comfort Eren in it once they stop him, and 10.5% are putting their money down on the “She’ll use it to strangle Eren” option.

Mikasa need to understand the Eren she remembers is no longer coming back from this.

Mikasa is really a frustrating character... but I think it's on purpose that she keeps swinging from realizing who he really is (chapter 123) and still wanting to be with him (or rather the idealized version she has of him aka the ""old Eren""), because her whole character arc is to separate herself from Eren and coping with it."It's up to Mikasa whether or not she'll be a slave. If she decides to fight against her slave instincts, Eren will have no choice but to kill her since, as an Ackerman, Mikasa, is immune to the memory-fuckery.

In fact, Mikasa should just hang herself with Eren's scarf and the story would become infinitely better and women might finally have better representation. I have never liked Mikasa, but now I actively despise her. She is nothing more than an Eren simp as was revealed to us when she said she's still holding onto that threadbare rag of hers despite everything Eren has proven himself capable of doing. You know, that whole genocide thing that Mikasa herself barely survived in this very chapter while her Commander very much did not. "

I feel tired of people who make fun of Mikasa. She is the one who still believes in Eren's good side and doesn't see him as monster. Everyone else see Eren as devil, while Mikasa still keeps memories about kind Eren and believes that this "old Eren" still is somewhere there. He is the most important person in her life and she will not give up on him as fast as everyone think. She is not obsessed. She is aware of Eren's dark side, of his cruelty and everything he has been doing, but on the same time she will still keep trying to help him and show him that he is NOT the devil, he is not as horrible person as he thinks he is. Everyone are saying that HISTORIA saved him in the cave when he was in his dark moments. Maybe this time it will be Mikasa who will save him from his darkest nightmare.

I can't wait for Eren × Mikasa confrontation "

WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN WITH THOSE ON THE BOAT? 1,653 responses

The party has split in two, with one half going directly to Eren, and the other half…? Nearly half of you think that they’ll certainly end up doing something to help the alliance still. 21.8% think they’ll run into the survivors of Liberio, 17.9% think they will in fact be absent for most of the story no, and 11% think they’ll dock at Paradis and do something of import there.

Please isayama, please don’t add any more needless sideplots with the boat doing something

Could have done many alliance interactions/good-byes better. Reiner didn't seem to care for the kids, despite them being his motivation to live. Bert never mentioned. Annie/Armin had no discussion. What are the boat crew even going to do?

"Falco & co. WILL join the battle! At least he has to, because the Jaw Titan is the only one who can break through the Warhammer's hardening!

With them leaving Falco behind (and therefore the Jaw titan's power), I think the explosives may at some point be used if Even tries to shield himself using the Warhammer's power.

Anyone that thinks Annie, Falco and Gabi sailed off is an idiot.

The only thing I'm not too sure about is Annie, Gabi, Falco, Yelena and Kiyomi staying behind. I was every character to have their chance to shine in the final battle. Hopefully, Isayama will find a way to bring these characters back into the conflict.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT LEVI EQUIPPING HIMSELF FOR BATTLE? 1,661 responses

After being blown up and almost out of the story a year and a half ago, Levi is finally suiting back up to get a slice of someone or something, despite still being heavily injured and scarred. Almost half of the fandom, at 44.6% are excited for his upcoming role in the story, but find it hard to believe he’s ready to fight, as it hasn’t quite been a year and a half in their world. About a quarter, at 23.2% have been waiting for this moment to finally come for all that time. 15.1% want him to stay away from danger the way he has been, and 9.2% wish he would have just died all those chapters ago.

Kinda silly, but I'll roll with it.

Now that we know Levi is ready for battle, I think his role in the story at this point is for one final confrontation with Zeke (assuming Zeke is within Eren's Founding Titan body somewhere). There, Levi will kill Zeke once and for all to finally fulfill his promise to Erwin, but something tells me Levi will die shortly after he lands the killing blow on Zeke.

Beast Titan vs Levi Round 3

Can't wait till he's forced to team up with Zeke

He will go out in a blaze

Definitely going out with a bang. He’s done with life, it’s obvious he is just here now to complete an objective, he wants to go out strong because of the weight of the survey corpse members gave him. Everyone he has cared about has died. He wants make them proud in a sense, at least dying with pride, and finally getting to meet them again in the afterlife.

I think he should have died in the explosion BUT I think that to do that, he should have had a longer philosophical talk with zeke and overcome his erwin issues, AND THEN die

He’s survived this long- he’s definitely earned the rights to go out on his own terms.

His comeback to fight is just another asspull.

How can he even move, let alone fight? If he survives all of this I’ll be shocked.

I can only see a Pyrrhic victory. I'm scared.

Isayama still has the chance to have Levi die by Eren's hands. The entire story has been leading up to this. Levi was always right about Eren and the sweet irony is that Levi always fought and saw all of his comrades die for Eren only to get killed by Eren as well.

I don't know why people are angry at that. Levi is a soldier and is not a suicidal one. He has a definite role to play and I don't want him to sit around. He's been through much worse.

He is a liability, I don't see him surviving.

-Death flag initiated-

He ain't surviving this one, huh?

Good that he’s feeling better. But I don’t want him to die.

He’s going to make a final charge and die

The man can barely stand on his own, so I think fighting is pretty much out of the question. Really interested in seeing what a character who has always relied first and foremost on violence is going to do now that this has been taken away from him.

As a good commander (and letting annie stay) Hange or Armin had to tell him to stay in boat, like he s only going to kill himself against zeke if he crossed him

He'll be fine...right? RIGHT?!

he'll probably die in a suicide attack on the monke

I feel like this may be a death-sentence. Levi dying and finally getting the burden of killing Zeke off his chest is a likely/ and good way for his character arc to end.

I just hope he doesn't have a cliche death alongside Zeke.

He'll rest with his comrades soon

He will get more injured, then give a speech to mikasa about letting the man he loved die instead of becoming a monster, then he will die

Watching him makes my anxiety level raised to 100

He's gonna give monkey chan a thousand years of death two finger style

Please just let him rest, he's tired, I'm tired, we're all tired ffs

YELENA IS HOLDING FAST TO HER BELIEF IN THE EUTHANASIA PLAN AS THE ONLY WAY TO PEACEFULLY END THE CONFLICT. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ZEKE’S PLAN IN HINDSIGHT? 1,620 responses

While the plurality of fans acknowledge Zeke’s plan is better than Eren’s (at 48.2%), only 7.7% say they agree in hindsight, and 5.8% always agreed with Zeke, for a combined 13.5%. This makes a total of 61.7% who would vote for it over Eren’s plan today. Interestingly, when Zeke’s plan was first revealed in 114, 76% voted for his plan when given the choice between that and rumbling the world. So after seeing the rumbling, the support for Zeke’s plan as an alternative has actually dropped.

I get it, Yelena’s something of an ideologue but the fact that she still thinks euthanasia is the way to go is sad

I originally thought forced euthanization was disgusting and now I’m hindsight it’s still disgusting and solves nothing.

I still hate it. The lesser evil doesn't mean it's an optimal solution. Would've kept Kiyomi's plan by sacrificing Historia and only attacking the military forces to keep them at bay.

Thinking with logic only, Zeke had a good plan, but if we put emotions and moral in to play, it's just horrible. I don't support it, not even now.

It's a terrible plan. Eren's plan is evil AF, but it's not stupid. Zeke's plan it's stupid. Imagine throwing your entire nation under the bus because your dad didn't hug you? Zeke's a loser.

Maybe so in this messed up world, but then again no. Both plans are awful, the answer to solving this question was to stop hatred in the first place and find a way to have a conversation with everyone. Clearing the air, stopping the rumors and fake news regarding Eldians being devils, etc.

Both plans are shit. 50 year plan + a partial Rumbling (in other words probably Armin's choice) is the most logical plan.

Denying children being born is denying a human being to grow and live their own live, and experience the world. I never accepted Zeke's plan and never will.

Depends whether you were born in Paradis or outside of Paradis.

Eren's plan is better. It ensures Eldians can survive and continue to grow. Zeke's plan just makes them die out. Me no likey.

50 year plan gang 50 year plan gang

Both plan suck.. But everything fair in love and war so... The winner was the one who right

There has to be some third option we/they just can't think of that doesn't involve genociding the entire planet *or enslaving another young woman (Historia in this case)

Zeke's plan was the lesser evil OF THESE TWO (Rumbling and Euthanasia). They should have found a third, peaceful option that doesn't kill anyone off.

“Evil is evil, Stregobor. Lesser, greater, middling, it's all the same. Proportions are negotiated, boundaries blurred. I'm not a pious hermit, I haven't done only good in my life. But if I'm to choose between one evil and another, then I prefer not to choose at all.”

JEAN SEEMED RATTLED BY FLOCH’S FINAL WORDS. HOW DO YOU THINK THEY WILL AFFECT JEAN? 1,641 responses

We’ve seen Jean yearn for a peaceful life on Paradis, and Floch has tried to convince him to give in to that desire before. Did Floch’s dying words do anything to further affect Jean? About 69% of respondents say that we will see Jean think on them, but he’ll end up staying with his current convictions. Interestingly, among the 17.8% who think he will change his mind on helping the alliance, 12.9% think he’ll join Eren and actively oppose the alliance, vs. the 4.9% who think he’ll just abandon the mission like Annie.

After 127 no way is Jean leaving the Alliance. However, I think this will affect his resolve and affect whatever discussion they end up having over how to stop Eren.

Dies trying to avenge Mikasa

He was rattled by Floch's dying moments, as he was one of the last survivors from the Survey corps of Erwin's time

He'll single-handedly stop Eren by telling him how cringe his followers are

he's gonna hesitate when he shouldn't have and will die for it

I feel like it's not the words, but the actions--Floch is who Jean could have been if he didn't see past his own self-interest.

Floch died so his homeland could live. His noble death will inspire Jean to fulfill his duty as a soldier of ELDIA, and oppose the alliance. Thus, Floch will have helped Eldia one last time. Even after he died.

He's too coward to do something about it. Jean's arc was all about suppressing his own desires and keep moving forward; he's a slave of his sense of duty.

I smell another sacrifice coming.

I think it's too late for him to change his mind at this point. We're almost at the end. He'll move forward because that's what he promised Marco. He won't be able to look him and his comrades in the eye if he alters his stance.

WAS ARMIN THE BEST CHOICE AS COMMANDER? 1,639 responses

From Keith to Erwin, to Hange to Armin. Was that the right step to take in the line of succession? The majority, at 61.8% believe that Armin is the perfect choice, at least for this particular Eren scenario. Just over a quarter, at 26.5% are sticking with Marco saying Jean has the potential to lead. 11.7% are wishing Hange stayed in command instead.

I didn't like the way Hange died and how she left the commander role to Armin. He's probably the worst person to take the job, not long ago he was literally trying to kill himself (chapter 126) cause that's how insecure he is.

"I both believe Jean makes a better overall commander than Armin *and* that Hange's choice in this instant was the correct one.

Jean has more of a skill and flair for leadership. He is, as Marco once said, the every man which makes it easier to follow him. With his attitude, he can inspire others to follow his plans even if they do not closely know him. He also has some more confidence in himself. He doesn't have Armin's mind for crazy strategies, but he still can reasonably think of his feet and is willing to take hard decisions and sacrifices as they are needed. If the story was still like it had been earlier in the manga, with a big Survey corps and regular missions, he should be the commander.

People are arguing who ""deserved"" to be the commander between Armin and Jean, when it doesn't fucking matter because there are like 5 people left in ""old"" SC and they are all on a suicide mission. What *does* matter is that everything was pushed on poor Armin yet again, first Erwin was allowed to die and his legacy was put on him and Hange, who never asked for this, now Hange killed themselves too and left Armin to solve this shit by himself. I wish he would call out Levi, because his decision in Serumbowl is what led to this mess, but we'll probably not get that.

Jean shouldve be the commander but it's okay to be armin

Either Hange should've lived or Jean should've been the commander

Armin becoming Commander was probably the highlight of this chapter for me

I thought it was a good death for hange, but also kind of a combo of all of the above choices; their death seemed rushed just to make armin commander. I don’t hate armin, but I don’t think he should be commander, and it feels so much like isayama had NOTHING planned for hange ad commander, which was extremely disappointing. but at least hans is at peace lol

Armin as commander? Really? He has never really led troops in to battle. He is not a logistician or a tactician. He is only a good strategist, but even then he failed to plan for everything that Eren has so far done. Can you imagine him turning into a titan and attempting to direct everyone? He’ll kill them all or put them on fire by waving his arms. I’m so worried for him and for Jean too. Jean is suppose to be the next commander or why else is he even here?

A bit sad we didn’t get much time with her a commander, but she was a GOAT

A "You Tried" commander that was truly ineffective. Erwin should've been kept around.

Each Survey Corps Commander (current or former) all dedicated their hearts to protect humanity. If someone or something threatens their mission and their lives, they do what is necessary to uphold the mission, mainly giving up their lives in order to give time for their comrades to act. Their sacrifices affect their closest allies to the point that they have to carry on their mission by any means necessary.

Felt like a filler commander for Armin wish Hange had gotten to do more and be more successful

1- Armin isn't the new commander of the survey corps because the SC belongs to Paradise island and he & his group betrayed that place .

2- Armin is the new commander of the alliance .

Not sure of making Armin commander the best choice but mmm yeah, Isayama needed them out of the way to make a final Armin/Eren confrontation *sigh*

survey cops commander is the worst position you can find yourself at the moment. I can't even imagine what's on Armin mind right now

Armin does actually make the better leader. The problem in front of them is Eren. Even though he doubts himself right now, Armin has always been able to understand Eren and get through to Eren in a way others (and definitely not Jean) can't. He's also capable of thinking outside of the box in a manner that this situation needs. Though he's only now made commander, throughout the Rumbling arc, we've already seen that his closest friends look to him for leadership/plans. And while he still lacks self-confidence (though, who knows, maybe he'll get a special Levi talk??) a lot of his other leadership flaws (like his limited ability to command and inspire groups) are not relevant now because there isn't huge group of people anymore. There is just a handful of his friends left who already trust in his abilities. He doesn't need to inspire loyalty right now; that has already been built over years.

Narratively speaking the Alliance are the true successors of the SC, not the Jaegerist and the 15th commander is Armin, not Floch.

Hange should've stayed alive.

king jean commander jean ftw

COULD SOMEONE ELSE HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THE COLOSSALS IN PLACE OF HANGE? 1,621 responses

We’re losing a lot of veterans lately and suddenly. After Magath and Keith’s sacrifice a few chapters ago, was Hange’s necessary as well? The vast majority, at just over ¾ say that others could have technically taken the role, but Hange was still the best choice to stay behind, as morale would be drained much more by the commander sending others to their deaths.

A mix between love and hate. With Shadis' death (specially after Nile and Pixis) I thought that Isayama was judt getting rid of a veteran again. But Hange's death at least had her in character, and she was the one who deserved to see her comrades the most.

At first it was nice to see them sacrificing themselves but then I noticed i didn't really care much. It was too sudden and a copypaste of Magath's death

Hange died because the situation called for it. She did what she had to do because of Floch. I feel like the anime will make it much clearer that Hange HAD to die.

Shoulda been Reiner bruh

I think Armin could use his titan, stand on the water and push avery titan that was going to destroy the Angar but anyway

Shadis' death left a bad taste in my mouth since Magath could've handled the deed on his own. Shadis didn't need to die. Hanji too could've sent someone else in her stead; she is (was) the commander, a veteran, she was necessary. Not saying that I would've wanted Jean or Connie to die or anything, but sending one of these two or Mikasa to hold back the titans would've made sense.

WHAT IS THE TRUTH BEHIND THE SCENE WHERE HANGE MEETS THE DEAD SCOUTS? 1,649 responses

The scene where Hange, after having died, seems to wake up to meet the rest of the deceased Survey Corps members was a scene unlike any we’ve seen before in this manga. Isayama hasn’t shied away from the depressing reality of death before, so what exactly is happening here? 45.9% of respondents think it was strange enough that something real was happening, Paths, afterlife… something. 30.3% don’t buy it being real and think it was a symbolic scene, perhaps to lessen the pain of Hange’s death. 23.8% think it was purely in Hange’s mind, a euphoric experience to lessen the physical shock of death. Whatever it was, it was remarkable.

Purely symbolic, though I don’t mind if it has to do with Paths

The comrades scene its a metaphore of the relief she had sacrificing herself, being useful just like her comrades and friends before her.

Probably Valhalla, would be pretty badass if it was confirmed in the end to actually be Valhalla or something.

THE AOT AFTER LIFE IS REAL AND MY BBYS LIVE AGAIN 🤧😭

The author was trying to Placate the audience over killing off a popular character

The characters that died may have their happy ending in heaven

The dead comrades have always been watching over the living.

We only see Eldians, it very well could be a connection to Paths. And it seems like the people you go to are people you knew well and had a strong connection with. ALSO I'M HAPPY WE GOT A GLIMPSE OF SASHA and seeing Erwin for most likely the final time is cool too.

Afterlife real. Dead characters keep on living. Shifters go to PATHS, probably. Expect a specific someone to appear :)

Delusions of a naive and idealistic character. Hange saw what Hange wanted to see.

Dunno, but i REALLY hope that was just Isayama softening the blow for Hanji fans and what not, otherwise having a true afterlife would render all deaths and racrifices pointless and would ruin the whole theme of survival the manga has.

Eren may be using PATHS fuckery to comfort Hange in her death.

I believe the final scene did happen as Instructor Keith is seen in the back and Hange should have no knowledge of his death.

I don't think Isayama particularly cares for fan service in any regard (though Annie x Armin might signal a change), so I don't think he'd dedicate that to make Hange's death any less tragic. I think there's something to it.

NOW THAT WE’VE SEEN THAT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR OUR DEAD FAVORITE CHARACTERS TO STILL HAVE THEIR SOULS, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE REST OF THE STORY? 1,621 responses

If these ghostly figures do make another appearance in the final confrontation, what on earth will they do?! 43.1% say they don’t matter damn it, because they’re not even real. 32.2% think the dead characters might be alive in some kind of afterlife, but it’s just an interesting part of the SnK universe. 18.8% think that PATHS will make its infinite fuckery known once again, and 6% think that those ghosts are going to make a difference standing up to Eren – how is he gonna fight against a million dead guys, huh?

The most interesting part about the data we got was a surge in responses for only this and the previous question. About 300 entries to the poll which only wanted to submit that “It was purely symbolic and Hange did not experience this,” and “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts. It was just in Hange’s mind or symbolic.” Now that is curious indeed. For someone who ain’t afraid of ghosts, I’m sensing some real trepidation here!

They likely will not interact with nor affect the coming events, as their roles have already played out.

" Valhalla’s battle-honed residents are there by the will of Odin, who collects them for the perfectly selfish purpose of having them come to his aid in his fated struggle against the wolf Fenrir {Fenir had been previously associated with Eren by fans} during Ragnarok – a battle in which Odin and the einherjar are doomed to die."

Setup for Reiner to converse with his fallen comrades.

Afterlife. Not convinced it's significant in any way, but would love it to be

An afterlife would be completely unnecessary for the story and make things needlessly more complicated for little reason/narrative payoff.

Feels like a set up for an ending where even if everyone dies they can be together in the afterlife

Mobuhan is fucking real

Hange is in heaven, surrounded by everyone who she's fought alongside. She can't help the alliance in any way, but she can watch them win. And they will win.

They are bystanders.

CARE TO EXPOUND YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS SCENE AND WHAT IT MEANS? 611 responses

Through PATHS the thought of 'Afterlife' is possible. And if it isn't, then it's nice to hallucinate something good while they're dying.

Is hange really dead?

it means ERWIN KNOWS WHAT'S IN THE BASEMENT AYEEEE

IT MEANS ERWIN GETS MORE LINES WOOO

y'know how from the start there's been the idea that the survey corps have been making sacrifices that no one will ever care about? this is a rebuke to that. Hange, like every other survey corps member, is watched over by their own dead and now Hange gets to be a part of the ghost crew that watches over the corps and occasionally appears to freak out the commander. I also tend to dislike the idea that this manga has a perfectly happy afterlife because it cheapens the goal they're fighting for and comes dangerously close to validating Reiner's attempt.

You should have given a choice of this is symbolic. Ya'll should really read more fiction if ya'll think this is really the afterlife ffs

Afterlife makes all the deaths useless and less impactful, hope it's not a thing.

All the Eldians have the ability to “stay” alive after they die thanks to the paths dimension.

All this suffering to get an afterlife?!?

Although I do think that an afterlife could be possible, I don't think it'll affect the story. It may come back during the epilogue, but I can't figure out how Isayama could use it for the main story plot.

Anything is possible, either it's Hange's own hallucinations or something real. Though i would like for it to be smth tangible, (esp since a clue was that Hange didn't know Shadis died but he appeared anyways). idk I'd just like for everyone to be happy and see each other again 😭

Beetroot alive in PATHS and he's gonna kill Eren

Being dead is happier than living in this world, such an uplifting moral Isayama

Both Hange and Erwin thought about their comrades and "saw" them when their role was weighing on them. I don't think I have nothing against it being real, but I like the symbolism. Some things are cooler when I don't overthink.

Perhaps it will be less edgy to see so much death if there is an afterlife in SnK, but use the opportunity well! For me it was a gift to see the veterans again: Moblit caring for Hange, Erwin being in peace, Mike being there after the impact that he gave us…

every time "ghosts" have been shown in attack on titan they've just been visual depictions of the character's mental state.

Everyone who begged to see Erwin in another chapter can finally be at peace

Expansion of what chapter 85 already implied

I don't care, I'm just happy we get to see our babies again.

I think it is some sort of a special place in paths because they are standing on where Hange died, that's really weird if if it's afterlife, if it's afterlife they should be in a paradise or a peaceful place, but no. It's weird if they are all ghosts like almost the survey corps are in that area

I think it means that every dead soldier have meaning and we shouldn't forget them

I think it shows that their deaths weren’t in vain and they are watching over their comrades. It was a truly moving scene.

I think it's symbolic. Honestly with all the discourse around this scene I am not sure if it was even worth it to include.

I don't believe she's dead. We have an unexplained memory shard of her without glasses (ch130) and one of the panels this chp looks like she lost her glasses.

if levi could hurry up and join them that´d be great

If Yams tries to pull a kny I'm gonna rip him a new one. This is bullshit and he should stop before people believe there is an afterlife in aot. This doesn't fit into the story he created for years. But he is willing to kill his own world in hopes to get some readers back from stealing smth from a way more successful manga. It's pathetic.

Im still in doubt if the afterlife scene really happened since erwin is still missing his arm while the others are just fine. I hope its all just in hange's head and that someone from the boat could rescue her.

It might be the Path. Because just like Eren Kruger said, "All Eldians is connected to what we say the coordinate." This maybe a paradise or a heaven that Eren or someone with the founding titan and royal blood can control.

It only serves to dramatize hange's death. No shit, I was crying like hell when I read this scene😭😭 other than that it's just like other deaths we've seen before, only to set a dramatic and brutal tone for a thriller series

The remaining of Hange blood in the floor indicates she/he was already dead, so no hallucinations in her last moments. Symbolic? Doesn’t sound like isayama. The only symbolic stuff in manga concerns the cult to Ymir. Has to be a connection through paths.

They really gave their hearts to humanity, they were all incredible, and it's really nostalgic to see them in this way

This scene wasn't here for no reason. It just felt different from any other vision we've seen, and I believe it'll come into play later on.

This was Hange's imagination because she saw the dead ones in the same shape she saw them alive last time like Mike and Nanaba. Erwin too(without one hand)

those who died are finally set free

You just died and entered spectator mode

FAVORITE PIECK MOMENT THIS CHAPTER? 1,601 responses

For a chapter not focused on Pieck plotwise, there sure were a lot of short moments with her. The two most popular options being her shooting down Hange’s ask for a ride with no hesitation, and vowing to give her comrade’s sacrifices meaning. A moment of meme and a moment of serious nature, perfectly balanced.

Idk but Pieck is a bad bitch

Pieck sounds like she may turn on everyone in the end but I hope not.

pieck finger = some kind of marleyan erwin smith

Pieck is gonna DIE 😭

Pieck isn't really interesting....and she doesnt do any Import to the others....Just for Reiner maybe

Pieck will sacrifice herself for the sake of her fallen comrades. (that's what I think)

WHICH “FRINGE” THEORY DO YOU BELIEVE IN? 1,597 responses

Despite the manga racing towards its conclusion crack theorists have had no shortage of new material, most recently with the bizarre amount of focus given to birds and Hange’s warm welcome to the afterlife. We wanted to find out which of these fringe theories have a broader appeal.

Nearly half the fandom is no fun at all, selecting “These theories are all just cope” (49%). For the rest of us “Birds are spies” apparently requires the least amount of tin foil since just over a third of the fandom thinks it has potential (35.4%). “The ghosts are real” (16.7%), Historia’s pregnancy is fake (13.7%) and the “The birds ARE the ghosts” (8.7%) didn’t fare quite as well.

Overall a great chapter. But this whole Theory of there being an afterlife in Attack on Titan is utterly ridiculous and extreme coping.

The afterlife thing was completely garbage and was easily the worst part of the chapter.

I believe that afterlife exists. It has nothing to do with paths, titan powers or religions. It is just afterlife, where souls of dead soldiers may find a peace. The world of SnK was always "cruel but also beautiful". Cruel - because innocent people die, but beautiful - because there is still a hope for happiness for their souls.

the birds...work for the bourgeoisie

I hope it's all symbolism but these "dead people" motive have been weirdly often mentioned in the story. People asking Erwin if he thinks that "dead have no regrets" in season 1. Levi Ova called " No regrets". Erwin asking Levi if he thinks that dead are watching them in S.3. There is also role Valhalla plays in Ragnarok in Mythology...

WHICH MOMENT OF LEVITY BEFORE THE DOOM OF THIS CHAPTER WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 1,633 responses

THAT face from Mikasa was the highlight for 28.2% of you. I don’t think she’s ever been that stunned. 22.8% loved that one of Hange’s priorities was getting to ride the Cart Titan in the future, and Pieck not having it. 17.6% enjoyed Levi being the butt of a joke even as Hange was about to meet their doom, and 14.5% appreciated Levi throwing his fans a finger bone. Annie talking with Reiner about the good old days earned a laugh for 13.3% of you, and 3.5% liked seeing Levi throw shade at Yelena’s kinks.

the "what the heck" face on mikasa's face after realising annieés feelings made my day.LOL

Levi x Yelena is cute and soon to be canon

Poor Levi. He cearly is still not recovered but his comment on being forgotten was a nice knock on the fourth wall.

Uh... you feeling okay, Yelena?

"I AM GONNA KILL THE BEAST TITAN" "Okay grandpa, now let's get you to bed"

DESCRIBE THE CHAPTER IN ONE WORD 1,065 responses

I get the feeling this chapter was a little upsetting for many. But then again, three over the top five words were the same as last month! Such is the life of an SnK fan. The top five words this time were:

Pain [143] Sad [56] Heartbreaking [29] Emotional [24] Sacrifice [20]

For those of you still thinking this is a cookbook, it's obvious you're making soup for your souls. Tangy, Cheesy, Hot, Chile, and YAMS must be the dish that represents this chapter.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,634 responses

Are we actually about to see the final confrontation?! I can hardly believe it, but 48.6% of you are goddamn ready for it. 17.9% still want to see Historia’s own POV (what, weren’t you satisfied with that one convoluted flashback?), and 15.5% would like to see some kind of discussion before the alliance launches into an undoubtedly insanely reckless maneuver. Also, Zeke had better come back soon or I’ll forget to put him in the options again!

girl i wanna see eren with the alliance

Next chapter I hope to see Zeke, you didn't put the option

We really really need to see Historia. She's been missing from the narrative for so long, and the flashback crumbs from Eren's memories explained nothing.

Surprises ..!!! More of them...flashback about carl fritz ...zeke ...more about eren ...we wanna more important moments and facts

I'd like to know what happened with Zeke. Is he dead? Is he merged with Eren? Is he still back on paradis? What's going on?

Alright, where is Zeke? I've lost my patience.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,492 responses

Reddit maintains the lead this month, with just a few percentage points over Twitter, which takes second. A bit behind Twitter is “In real life”, which goes to show that Attack on Titan fans are total chads with social lives. Stay safe and don’t die though! After real life comes Discord, with 22.3% of the vote. Trailing Discord, in order, is Instagram, Youtube, “I don’t”, Facebook, 4Chan, the wiki, Snapchat, and Steam. Much to my dismay, this question was made multiple choice this month, which MEANS that, in theory, some of you could have ~erroneously~ voted Snapchat. Either that’s the case, or you lot are multiplying far faster than I’d anticipated… I’m going to elect to believe the former on account of not wanting to believe the latter.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 497 responses

What the fuck is doing the survey corps

where is that goddamn monke

WHERE IS THE MONKE

snkpolls admins please hold me

Floch with wet hair looks cool.

Glad to see yams isnt afraid to kill characters, I was getting worried.

I have a love/hate relationship with Floch, and while I disagree with the rumbling, his last words got to me and it was sad.

I honestly found Floch's death to be tragic, even though he was a bastard, he still believed he was fighting for Paradis's wellbeing

I laughed when random Floch appeared, but I hate that his actions lead to Hange deciding to sacrifice herself.

Even though the manga it's coming to an end Isayama really gives us details which is interesting in order to understand the storyline but I'd like more action

Even though we didn't see him this chapter, Hanji's sacrifice took me from "Eren must be stopped" to "I WILL strangle Eren to death with my own two hands". Dude's ground-breaking idea of rumbling got Hanji killed and he will pay for that.

Everything about this chapter was just so breathtaking. I Loved this chapter so much it was just amazing. Words can’t even describe how I feel. Only thing I didn’t like was floch shooting the plane. God answering these just makes me wanna cry.

Also Bert mentions! We're finally going to see him soon and have a long-awaited RB-union!

REALLY GLAD I FOUND AOT BEFORE IT ENDS , I wish Annie and armin ends up, and jean and mikasa 👀👀👀 dont judge me please. It really gave more insight on the feelings of the alliance now.

WHY ISAYAMA, WHY?!

Why no Bertholdt :(

Why no one is happy?

I feel like the fandom would've broken if only an Alliance member died, so to make things equal, we lost a Yeagerist and an Alliance member.

EREN IS A VILLAIN

FLOCH DID NOTHING WRONG

Listen. I couldn't stop crying, like UGLY sobs, from the moment Hange says they're gonna "do it" and then they become all "Armin Arlert" and "I hereby name you" and then I was DONE. Buckets of tears, squealing noises, repeating "no no no" while rereading the same panels over and over again. I Loved Hange. I loved them so much. They were THAT kind of weird, they were passionate, smart, funny... I loved them, but I love how they got to choose how to die, and when, and especially knowing their death will be useful for the others. They died fighting brilliantly, and I will love them, and they will inspire me forever. Farewell Hange, have a nice time in the afterlife with all your fallen comrades, knowing you can stand tall and proud among them.

No one can force Annie to stay. But I can't believe everyone's just fine with this. The world is fckin' ending and only by a miracle they can win, there's NO WAY those people are compromised to the gravity of the situation if they're all just "yeah, Annie is a titan and she's out, let's get the other titan too because he's a kid, Pieck I thought you were coming to the ship too?", because it really sounds like they're not even trying at this point. Is this a walk in the park or the destiny of all people in the world?? :/

Levi’s “see you later, Hange” reminds me of Mikasa’s “see you later, Eren” in the first chapter. A foreshadow of Eren’s eventual demise?

There still isn't a third realistic alternative.

Hange sacrifice was the greater good and I hope the alliance makes the most of this chance, For those they have lost. For those they can yet save

Hange knows their time is near and they are correct.

There was no need to kill off Hange, felt forced and rushed

this armin/annie stuff had better go somewhere plotwise after wasting cringy panels on it that could have been dedicated to less rushed interactions between other alliance members. might as well just kill the alliance off at this point and let reiner finally die, since their chapters are such a drop in quality.

This chapter and the previous two are perfect reminders that we're at the point of no return in the final arc. While I want to see some good moments, twists, and any loose ends tied by now (Zeke, WHERE ARE YOU?!!), it's all going to be all doom and gloom from here on out. Whether Eren or the Alliance succeeds depends on how these next chapters turn out; Whoever wins, bloodshed will continue until the Rumbling ends.

I realised Hange probably has huge survivors guilt and that she wanted to die, and wanted to make her old friends proud(who are dead)

They all really cared for Hange a lot and that's sweet.

They should have a concrete plan on how to stop eren if they could

Things are gonna get wild.

Great chapter, and I'm really excited to see how the Alliance and Eren confrontation plays out. This ending has the potential to be absolutely legendary.

Half of the characters have no hope in what they are doing (the "leaders") but do that because "ThEY hAD tO" and another half will makes me sad because they dont care about eren plan really (not speaking about gaby and falco)

Hange could have exited the story in another way, I guess.

Hange's death should have been more dramatic.

Hange's death was handles perfectly and the chapter had it's fair share of humour.

Hange's death was rushed, could've been better handled. Floch's selfless death was the only high point, and maybe LH being semi-confirmed.

Honestly, I don't hate Hange but I wish she had lived to see the consequences of her betrayal of Paradis, by putting her own feelings and morals over her own people's wellfare; for better or worse, her actions will have huge repercussions on the entire island and she should be there to take responsibility over the inevitable fallout. Even though she never tried to avoid responsibility over her choices, and I genuinely respect her for sacrificing herself over her ideas, it honestly feels to me like death was an easy way out from having to deal with Paradis' fate (SPECIALLY if the Valhalla stuff is real) while leaving Armin to clean up her mess.

Levihan is real

i expected sex on the ship or aruani huge/kiss/touch

Honestly, I'm just following it because I got used to reading a chapter every month, but the story is terrible now. Hange's death only served to confirm that Isayama intends to have a 'final battle' between childhood friends, nothing unexpected.

hope we get more from Jean

Hope we now start going into the final confrontation cause this chapter seemed setup to that.

As I've said before, I'll miss Hange. RIP you absolute legend.

Hopefully we get to see historia

Hoping for more Hanji backstory.

I don’t need a heart to live

I don’t see how this story can have any sort of a happy ending

I dont see a possible ending where all these characters can live the rest of their lives in peace but oh well

This chapter dropped massive death flags on Armin and Pieck. These two aren't going to last. Yelena is probably dead from compartment syndrome next chapter.

This chapter honestly makes me more scared for Levi because I was hoping he would get the kind of ending that Hange got. Now we just have to wait and wonder about how much more pain Isayama is going to put him through.

ZEKE WHEN ?????? I MISS YOU

I’m frustrated with the direction the story is going in. Armin being made commander, Hange dying, Annie being brought back just to confess to Armin and then be sidelined, Mikasa being the one to kill Floch, it all just seems to make little narrative sense. I don’t feel like we’re building to a clever twist, it all feels capricious and random

After comparing Hange’s death in the manga to Erwin’s death in the manga, I can safely say that Hange’s death was better. Hange’s had comedy like her complaining about how hot the CTs were and of course that line she said to Pieck, it was sad with the Levi and Hange moments and the chapter’s conclusion, and it was epic with her killing 3-4 Colossal Titans, getting scorched to death and her dead body falling until she got trampled in the Rumbling. Erwin’s was just epic with bringing the entire Survey Corps going down with him. If Mappa does well with the anime, this will break the internet for sure and this death will be remembered.

bruh my favorite character just fucking died

It was a quick way for removing another veteran. I feel that the vets sacrifice their lives too easily. They see their own existance like it was some rpg game and they were going to go back to life after while. First Magath and Shadis decided to commit heroic suicide, now Hange decided to leave this world "just like that"/ C'mon, people don't give up with their lives so fast..

Oh, and this chapter made me start shipping levihan!

characters stop dying challenge

This and next chapter are the calm before the storm. And once that storm comes, this is going to end up as either a great story or a perfect story. Also, what the heck happened to Zeke? I need answers on that matter.

At this point the only way for this story to end in a satisfying manner is for Eren to kill everyone, successfully finish the Rumbling and save his people.

Aún estoy llorando.

I feel Hange should have been given more space to make a bigger impact as a commander. It’s like, Erwin always made gambles that magically worked out for him in the grand scheme of things (for the most part and in a group with a horrible survival rate like the SC no less) but for whatever reason Hange just stuck their thumb up their butt and twirled the whole time. Sometimes making one character smart results in everyone else only being allowed to have one shared brain cell. Overall I liked Hange a lot but they were done dirty. And blaming Eren for everything? Lol Hange. You can put your clown nose on now.

Overall best leader? Jean. Best leader for this particular set of circumstances? Armin.

I can't wait until the Alliance realize their futile efforts and come face to face with the reality that, Eren has power over the memories of all subjects of Ymir and can control their titan shifting.

Isayama just want to kill everyone,isn't he? In every chapter we've got deaths this is just depressing. Isayama I respect you but I hate you but I respect you but I hate you.

I cried buckets while reading it, so props to Isayama for that! :)

I cried when Floch died and I laughed when Hange died .

I don't have words for that. I am just lucky enough to be able to witness this work while

Pain. So much pain. Levihan pain. Aruani pain... *cries for a week while preparing self for more tears in the near future*

i just want everyone to be friends again😭

Jean has not been about stopping Eren from the get-go. I think we are up for a MAJOR revelation about his own involvement in Eren’s plans.

Hange should be survived

Hange should've not died in this chapter since we still do not know the clear plan of the alliance. Their death was written in a hurry, not as epic as Erwin.

Hange was my favorite character. But, as much as I am sad to see her go, her last moments were pretty epic, I am looking forward to see how it will affect the rest of the story.

Hange wasn't a good commander no matter how much her fans cry about it. her being a good character is another thing altogether.

My babies Yelena, Pieck, Reiner, Gabi, and Falco deserve the world.

Hange's manner of death, in her own terms fighting to save others, is my favorite so far.

Hanji death was unnecessary and Floch death only made Allience look worse then they already are

0/10 no Zeke

Jean is the only one who undestands eren and Floch

Jean never really supported the Alliance, he will try to reason Eren's plan isn't all that bad.

Jean will see Flochs words as a possible option but i dont see him going through with opposing The Alliance. He made his choice when he joined them.

(THE DEAD SPEAK LMAOOO) I really liked this chapter but it’s still horrible and traumatizing like the 131 (wait actually the 131 is way more horrible 😭)

Amazing art as always.

Amazing yet sad chapter since I respected both hange and falco and to see them die was pretty sad.

ANNIE AND ARMIN FOREVER. I want her to be free to be soft and caring and to have someone who loves and adores her. I love this dynamic and I think it’s a good foil to Eren and Historia

ANNIE IS THE BEST GIRL!

I want Reiner to live on as the clinically depressed sole survivor.

i’m still broken. hange and sasha were my comfort characters✌🏻😭

Idc but your quiz suck

Idk its just i'm pretty sad about hange's death cuz she was one oof my top waifus

One of my favorites ✊😔 rip Hange

One ship. I just want ONE CANON SHIP by the end of this, Isayama. JUST ONE. Is it really too much to ask, man. I've already given you plenty of my tears to sip on so idk what more you want from me...

Only Armin, Mikasa, Levi and Reiner will survive.

OUCH

Please stop making Levi suffer be it a final rest or a peaceful life anything PLEASE

Please, don't let anyone else die :(

Plot wise it was shit, but I love it for the drama

POGGERS

Poor Levi. Everyone important to him was taken away. Also, HANGE GOAT.

Poor Reiner.

rest in peace Hange "nonbinary icon" Zoe

rest in peace king, now is in Eren hand to keep giving meaning to your life

Really was good. Hange went out in a great way.

Surprised Floch didn't end up killing anyone, especially no named engineers, Yelena or Connie.

The way Mikasa shot the grappling hook at Floch’s throat was like how Levi killed an MP by shooting their throat during Uprising. Ackermans can access the battle experience of other Ackermans through Paths – Mikasa learnt that move from Levi.

I would think that this chapter should have gotten into more interactions between Armin and Annie, because i feel as though their relationship should be explored a bit further. Given that we know that both do like each other, it should be seen on how these two handled their possibly last goodbyes.

I'm just gonna let it flow

I'M NEVER GETTING OVER HANJI'S DEATH

Hange is one of the most well-written characters of a manga abounding with them. I love the way they always stayed true to their ideals without wavering, despite all their doubts about their suitability as Commander. Their open-mindedness, humour and love for knowledge make them truly special, and their most quintessential line must be this one from chapter 127: "'Just bringing freedom to this island is enough for me'. Do you think a single one of [the dead Survey Corps] would be so narrow-minded as to say that?" Chills. Very glad they chose Armin as their successor as well before taking down the colossals. They will be missed.

I'm quite curious about Armin's next moves. He is the commander now after all. Also, wondering what Levi is going to do now.

I'm really curious about the weapon that Yelena brought up to the alliance

i get the feeling that annie has had all the closure she needs and she’s gonna die but at least she might pass on her power to gabi ? either way i’ll be devastated to see her go

I HATE it that Hanji had to die, but loved the way she got her heroic moment. It's a love/hate chapter for me.

I have fears of Annie to die

I hope Levi lives just so he can be the most tragic character in AOT.

I hope soon, eren can stop all of this thing

I it wasn’t for the spoilers, Hange’s death would have break my heart.

I just hope Levi found his peace and die, please. He's already lost Hange, please don't make him suffering more.

I just thought it was impressive that this was one of the three moments in the whole story that actually made me ugly cry (Other two were Hannes' death and Serumbowl)

The more i think on Hanges death the more i like/understand it.

The sad looks on Levi and Hanji's faces are enough to say thousands of unspoken words. Nuff said.

Reiner is immortal

reiner looked hot af

This beast of a man, how many hours did he spend nearly drowning with a wounded arm? I got to really care about him even if his ""political"" choice was the worst. I just wanted him to have a dignified end and he had (even if Jean wasn't the one to do it). And the vignette... Perfect. In the end, he really fought as the devil he needed so much, no matter their identity. Relax, honey. Now you're safe from Eren's bullshit.

i miss hanji

I need HISTORIAAAA

I need more PATHS and I smell it coming

...i´m tired.

The Survey Corps never actually fought for humanity prior to the Rumbling, only against it. Hange even states this irony in chapter 89. The "well, the Corps was always fighting for humanity" rationalization is just disingenuous cope that ignores everything that got revealed with the basement and, by extension, the plot itself.

Super based

I really just want to see how this ends already.

I still can't believe Hange died. And to think that Levi's got no one else in his life anymore breaks my heart. I've always think that Levi and Hange should be together until the end. Not shipping them tho. I don't if it's platonic or romantic,but they love and care for each other. And Levi realising that his only friend is going to die and his eyes turn dark like an abyss really makes me feel like broken in half. And that dedicate your heart scene..oh my god I can't. And Hange still got some nerves to joke around at time really made me goes "HANGEEE-SANN!!"༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽

Floch's final moments were sorely needed to remind us just how human he really is. He didn't care about ruling the country or destroying the alliance. All he wanted was for his people and the island to survive, and he felt the alliance was putting that in jeopardy so he did what he thought he had to do.

Isayama keeps killing my favorite characters

I liked the chapter but it felt unnecessary Floch probably should have died before the boat left and Hange was killed off to lighten the cast and make Armin commander. Hange and Levi probably could have died/stayed in the forest.

R.I.P. in horny titan jail

I like this manga. Very much so ❤

#snk polls #snk poll #snk chapter 132 #snk poll results

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