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dimonds456 · 5 months

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Howdy!

I'm Dimonds456, and welcome to my garbage pile. I'm a bat who stays up way too late and cannot decide whether or not to be productive. I draw, write, animate, play/write music, and I'm also insane so watch out for that.

I'm neurodivergent, disabled, queer, white, a singlet, fictionkin, and a proud cat papa. I am a cartoon character who is way too bouncy for their own good lol.

They / he / xe!

This is my main blog, but my ADHD ass also has a bunch more.

@dimonds456-art - my art blog! Almost all art gets rbed there!

@dimonds456-but-only-hlvrai - my HLVRAI sideblog! Because yeah why not. This is one of me current hyperfixations lol it's bad

@rubberhose-roy is my sideblog used to gush about 1920's-40's aesthetics, music, culture, ect., as well as an animation blog! All my animations specifically will be reblogged there, as well as any animation rambles or gushes I do.

I have more but those are the main three.

My fandom-specific blogs are:

@dimonds456-but-only-hlvrai (again)

@hlvrai-stuck-together - HLVRAI AU I run!

@halfnautica - Half Life / Subnautica AU!

@a-second-chance-su-au - Old SU AU that has been discontinued, but the blog is still there!

@batim-rewritten - a Bendy and the Ink Machine rewrite I'm working on

@cuphead-contract-au - A Cuphead AU where Mugman makes a deal (discontinued)

And, I have my own OC story, Follychromatic! I reblog all that stuff here, but its main blog is here!

@follychromatic

To see pictures of my cat, check the #Checkers tag! :D

Okay great. Now, DNI, trigger warnings, disabilities, special interests, and more below the cut. Make sure you read at least once, k? Thanks.

Welcome to my cave!

DNI

Trigger Warnings

Do not FUCKING interact if you are:

- A proshipper

- A bigot

- An LGBTphobe / transmed / ect

- Trump supporter

- Nazi / fascist / conservative

- Weird about furries or furry art

- Weird about fandom headcanons (specifically trans woman headcanons)

I will add more if anyone wants me to, or we can come up with a custom tag, like what I do for one of my friends! (#dimond don't look)

I will tag as much as I can, and if you want me to tag something specific, let me know! But as a general blog cover, things that appear on this blog often are:

- Current events

- Talk of / discussion of sexuality (sometimes boardering on NSFW but not usually)

- Blood

- Guns

- Flashing

- Talk of proshippers (I try to be respectful but also I don't stand for them and I don't support them. I block and move on, and try to explain why proship is bad, but eh. I've only been listened to like once lol)

- Swearing / swear words

- All caps

- Bugs

- Suggestive content / NSFW (RARE DONT WORRY)

DISABILITIES

Hiiii I'm disabled! Both mentally and physically. I talk about being disabled a lot and try to generate positive talk about it. I also vent about it. I've had quite a few of these, and I also try to reblog as much about others I don't have as I can to increase awareness and understanding. So yeah! These are just the ones I have, but they are not the only ones that appear on my blog!

Hyperthyroidism

Graves Disease

Graves Eye Disease

Astigmatism

Athsma

Audio processing disorder

ADHD

Autism

Trauma / PTSD

Brain fog / disassociation / memory loss

Anxiety

Depression

Cane user

Weak / trembling limbs / trouble walking / trouble holding onto things sometimes

More to be added lol.

This is also a meds/treatment positive blog, a self-diagnosis positive blog, and my general attitude is just "if you think something is wrong you're probably right, you know yourself the best, even if you don't know what exactly is wrong." This attitude has saved my life and other people I know. You don't need a diagnosis or medication to be disabled.

THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.

If you are Jewish, black, brown, Muslim, indigenous, any religion, any race, any sexuality, any weird gender, anything at all- I love and support you. I'm still learning, and I try to learn as much as I can, but I'm not perfect. If I say something offensive or something adjacent, it was NOT on purpose. PLEASE, PLEASE tell me what I said wrong. I will make an effort to improve in the future.

I directly support:

- All races

- All religions*

- All sexualities (except pedos, y'all aren't LGBT, I'm sorry. You're actively hurting children. I've seen it again and again. Stop.)

- All genders and pronouns

- All "weird" identities outside of that as well (I'm fictionkin myself)

- Protests and protesters

- Neurodivergent people of all types (and yes, this means NPD, schizo, and all those other types that are often seen as bad or evil. I love you, I see you, and I support you.)

- DID & OSDD systems

If I have reblogged or said anything that aligns with the bottom list, that was a mistake. PLEASE let me know and I will fix it as fast as I can. You reading this right now, I love you. I hope my blog can help you feel welcomed and like you have somewhere to go if you need it. /gen

I DO NOT support:

- Antisemitism

- Genocide

- Cults (*stuff like Jehova's Witnesses. I support the members, as they are victims, but I actively dislike the people on top who perpetuate the cycle. Not just JWs, but those are the big ones who come to mind. Hearts out to all the victims, I hope everyone gets to a better place soon)

- Racism in any way, shape, or form

- Religious discrimination of any way, shape, or form

- Israel specifically

- Trump, conservatives, Nazis, ect.

- Endo systems

MY FANDOMS / INTERESTS

I HAVE ADHD AND AUTISM AND I'M MAKING THAT EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM /silly

The current special interests are HLVRAI and Half Life, current hyperfixations are Half Life and Poppy Playtime.

SPECIAL INTERESTS:

- Minecraft

- HTTYD

- FNaF

- Undertale / Deltarune

- BATIM / BATDR (unfortunately)

- Subnautica

- Biology

- Steven Universe

- Cuphead

- 2D Animation

- Writing

- HLVRAI

- Half Life

theres more but my brain is an egg :/

HYPERFIXATIONS (interests but not the special ones):

- Little Nightmares

- Hello, Neighbor (unfortunately)

- Petscop

- Portal

- Freemanverse (HELP ME)

- The Amazing Digital Circus

- The Owl House

- Gravity Falls

- Monster High (very first from what I can remember! I remember nothing though! But it's there!)

- Poppy Playtime

- Half Life

- Wild Kratts (I didn't even know there WAS a fandom until very recently, hi guys)

When it comes to ✨me,✨ I have a couple of original works as well! Specifically, Follychromatic! I won't get too into it here (bc shy) but it's 2D animation, rubberhose animation, magic, character-driven, action/adventure, mystery- yeah!

Outside of fandom, though, my special interests are biology, 2D animation, and writing. I am an animator and I suffer for fun.

YOU MADE IT! Have some Checkers for your time! :)

#dimond speaks #intro post #bout time i made one of these huh #dni #pinned post

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ichorblossoms · 18 days

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i only remember the day i made grimm and yarrow bc it was 4/20 and i thought it was funny anyways happy one year to these two fuckers eating away at my brain and here's to them continuing to do that for...the foreseeable future

since i have created So much about them in this year, i wanna recap what the fuck i've done bc i have never had this happen before. it's definitely new to hyperfixate on some ocs so intensely but i'm having a good time with everything so! i can't say i'm upset that these two kicked my ass into gear with drawing so much !!

starting off with the first sketches of them i scribbled down before i had to get back to work on other stuff bc i don't think i posted these

they've evolved a bit but....not by much really. esp in regards to yarrow i had what is more or less his current design nailed down within a day. not to mention that these two both had names within 24 hours? that usually does NOT happen for me

in terms of all the other art, th galleries aren't the absolute best metric to measure how much i've drawn my ocs bc it doesn't account for all the sketches and wips i have lying around and i upload gift art so it's not all mine in there NONETHELESS it's wild comparing their th gallery stats to the main trio of ttw bc those three literally have a decade of existence on them

(also grimm has five more standalone pieces of fanart than yarrow, so the gap between how much i've drawn the two of them is even smaller)

within a year, these two have, give or take, half the amount of stuff as i've managed to make for my other mains that have been around over a decade. ofc with ttw being around so long there are a lot of unfinished things, paper drawings i have stashed away, things that're retconned, and so many more sketchbook doodles of them that just never got posted so it's not as comparable to honeybee bc it's a more constant slowburn in my brain. but still. still

that's also not to mention the 16 or so full comic pages i've drawn for them?? (most of those are under toyhouse's literature bc it's easier to post them that way) which doesn't sound like a lot, but bc i've never done that before with any of my ocs it's. wild to me. i'm still figuring out a method that makes making comics as painless as possible bc i have ideas! but it still feels like i'm like pulling teeth sometimes! i can say it feels a bit easier to make comics now but i still have a lot to figure out :,,D

also i've been writing. i don't consider myself a writer. i said "fuck it we ball" and started writing. i guess i am on technicality, and it's not as if i haven't written anything at all (hi ttw and the old peartree draft), but definitely haven't written extensive prose before this. anyways i've got a 10k-word outline and am approximately 35k words into the first draft so it's not nothing! in fact that's a lot for me, esp bc i'm constantly battling the urge to edit things over and over and also the awareness of the skill gap between me and all of the writers i am constantly reading so it's overall just a...really slow process OTL

because i'm deranged and refuse to make things easy on myself, i envision honeybee as an illustrated novel, but not necessarily illustrated like fantasy novels are i'm talking like....a novel with comic panels in it. i have a vision. (also i had a dream where i read a book like this i can See it in my mind). it's fine. i'm normal. <if this comes to be for realsies i will have to learn how to do so much typesetting bullshit

i don't have any special art to commemorate my Year of Brainrot, but i guess i'll post some writing below the cut. heads up this is First Draft Shit, even though these are the parts i'm currently more fond of i am...not confident in my skills as a writer yet so please offer me some lenience hgfklhgld

anything in [these brackets] is going to be drawn either as a standalone illustration or a small series of comic panels so just hold my hand and imagine with me.

ordered chronologically but missing a Lot of context partially bc i'm not writing any of this in order. i try to keep grimm (they/it) and yarrow's (he/they) pronouns consistent, but excuse any flips bc again, this hasn't been through any external editing, in fact y'all are the first to see any of these words.

part 1 (years 0 to ~1)- least written-for part atm but i re-outlined it semi-recently so i know where to take it

*grimm is misgendered here intentionally, yarrow doesn't know The Pronouns yet

part 2 (years ~6 to ~8)- currently the most-written

part 3 (years ~9 to ~10)

does a little dance and makes jazz hands before faceplanting. thank you if you read any of that hkgdslfhlfk

#rambles #honeybee #writing #i'll probably have more to add later but i have to be at work at seven and will be dealing with toddlers until noon #<king of getting out of bed and out the door in like seven minutes. not always by choice #reading through my writing makes me realize how fucking much i Haven't written and. it's a bit daunting tbh #also like. some of these parts i've written have already been mentally rewritten but i'm Forcing Myself to not do that until i have a more #substantial first draft #i'm so much better at editing and analyzing once i have something on the page it's just. getting it on the page. pain and agony #i am having fun though. like i complain but i'm enjoying this #grimm #yarrow #grimmyarrow

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residentdormouse · 6 months

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Can I ask you to ramble about your current hyperfixation?

I am always up for some rambling! Thank you for the ask!!

Unfortunately for my non-fandom followers, my hyperfixation has not changed for the past two and a half years. (All mutuals now groaning, ‘Shut up about the Stand, Mouse.’) I still cannot explain my extended fix; usually I'm a year tops. Hook onto a character, appease the yearning rats, move on. Not this time…

This may have to do with the fact that the Fandom is smaller. Other fixations, I could casually scroll Tumblr for fan art, find stories to scratch the itch on AO3, and passively ride the wave until something pulled me in another direction. Couldn't do that here. There were like 11 stories for ‘the Stand’ that even tagged Glen Bateman as a character. Some of them were prior to the version of Glen that took up residence in my brain (2020 miniseries), and none of them had him as a primary focus. What's a girl to do, right? Write also turned out to be the answer. So this was the first time I was writing and posting fanfic to AO3. About 290k words later, and almost a year of digging into their characters, here I am, stuck on the same damn guys. The rats are still yearning, and I have no further way to appease them. (Although, I'm sure they will thank you for indulging them now.)

But yeah, still 100% hooked on Stephen King's ‘the Stand’, and specifically the newest 2020 miniseries version. I blame Kinnear's version of Glen. He's a great character in the other versions, but the stars aligned with his take. Witty. Intelligent, but with a cheek and lightheartedness. Logical, yet open to the new world of the unknown. Questioning, but true to himself and loyal to those around him. Speaking his mind, and saying what he believes, regardless of the danger it poses. (And this is not even touching the vaping, which is a fantastic touch, and definitely a way to my heart as well.) Plus, I've always loved Kinnear as an actor, just never saw him in a role where I connected to his character like this. I truly was doomed from the start.

And that's pretty much how it went too. The first damn scene he’s in, and I'm instantly hit with the ‘holy fuck, I love this character’ K.O. punch. Cause that's what I really need for a hyperfix to stick, love for a character.

Then the end of that same episode. This look…

I could go on for days about this look. A ‘Man of Science’ facing the reality of the previously unbelievable. His world view shaken, and now left to piece the puzzle back together. Tear down what he ‘knew’, and start looking at things from a new perspective. This single moment where the world changed for him. It's just… 🤌

I love this fictional man. He has hijacked my brain, and honestly, not really seeing a problem. He can stay as long as he wants. I'll give him some paints, and he can chill up there making fun commentary about life. Maybe give some helpful insight.

But yeah, the Stand still top hyperfixation for me. I have a love of the story as a whole too, don't get me wrong. Read the book, have the ‘94 series, picked up the comics… And other characters have worked their way into my heart too (Lloyd Henreid, I'm talking about you), but Glen was, and still is, the reason I'm here so long after.

Was that rambling enough? Too much? I have no gauge. But I will always elaborate if asked. Do not be afraid to ask, this is why I'm here!!

#thank you again nonny!#i will always rant about my fixes #the stand 2020 #glen bateman

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patheticpat · 2 years

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The Slime-tro

Basic Knowledge

> Hi, my names Corduroy! You can also call me Roy, Cordie, or Dev!

> I use They/Ae/Ze/He + Sli/Slime neo’s and a lot more as seen here: https://en.pronouns.page/@PatheticPat

> I am 20 - just for it to be known.

Fandom-Related Interests

Minecraft! > I mainly build and explore when playing! :D

A Hat In Time > I am once again hyperfixating on a villain character...

Legend of Zelda > The first game I ever actually finished was Breath of The Wild > I am currently playing through Tears of The Kingdom > I don't know which of the two my first game actually was, though I do know it was one of the Four Swords games! > I was playing through Link's Awakening and A Link to the Past, before being sidetracked by life, like usual

Slay The Princess > Hi, I am dying. Everyone in that game is babygirl. Tower and Thorn are my favorites though.

Hollow Knight > Little Ghost Go Brrrrr

Terraria > I have over 175 hours in the game and I got it a little over a month ago, do you think I'm fucking okay?

Deep-Sea Prisoner/funamusea > Don’t get me started I will and can talk peoples ears off about how much I am in love with her stories and characters

Plate Up!

Among Us

Cult of The Lamb

Slime Rancher

Hermitcraft

Modded Minecraft

KaboodleSMP

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Skullgirls

RPG Maker Horror Games

Five Nights at Freddy’s

Bolded Text means its one of my main interests as of me editing this.

Italicized Names mean I still have a small interest/am watching them, even if I’m not as interested in a particular thing they were in before

Other General Knowledge

The Header Belongs to - https://skulldrils.tumblr.com/

The Profile Picture is from The Witch route in Slay the Princess! :)

I reblog content I'm not into. Ace Attonery? Some random new anime that's probably super popular but I've never heard about? Yeah, if I've never watched(and or played) but I think the post is funny or cool, I'm reblogging it. Does it mean I'm going to go check the actual media out its self tho? Probably not. It's only happened once and I intend to keep it that way.

I block a lot, I will block due to DNI's to An Annoying Post(s) to I Just Got A Bad Vibe. A variety of reasons! Now, Don't ask why, as 9 times out of 10 I won't remember why I blocked you. I however, will trust my past judgement and won't unblock you, So Please Don't Ask.

I do draw! It just takes a long time for me to finish pieces!

I Swear A Lot, if that’s something that makes you uncomfortable, I would suggest not following me or blocking me

I barely tag, If you need me to tag something, just ask and I will try to do it within reason.

> The Post about blocking frog content best explains it, here it is

> However, Under No Circumstance am I going to tag for usage of the word Queer or When I Swear. For the latter, refer to the fourth bullet point in this section, for the former... just fucking no. Just block me and save yourself the trouble.

Sorting sorting sorting, I enjoy sorting my (tagged) posts out. If your confused as to why there's multiple (seemingly redundant) tags on a post that you think only needs one, that's why. My brain can't figure out which one to tag it as, so I'll save myself the trouble and use them all.

> Examples: Slimer.WIP, Slimer.SKETCH, Slimer.POST on one art post.

I am a shipper, and in fact, a multi-shipper! There’s no end to combinations thus there's no end to my ships :)

“Why slime?” Because slimer be sliming!

Tagging System w/ some notes

> #Slimer.POST -> My Post Tag -> Uncommonly used; but here nonetheless > #Slimer.REBLOG -> My Reblog Tag -> I only really use this tag when I'm reblogging something and have something additional to say. Up in the air if I actually say it though. > #Slimer.Art -> My Art Tag > #Slimer.WIP -> My Work In Progress Tag > #Slimer.SKETCH -> My Sketches Tag -> I use this for art that I finished the sketch for, and probably don't plan to take further than a sketch. > #Slimer.LIVEBLOGGER -> My Liveblogging Tag -> Now in much more common use, I'll be using this tag when a streamer I'm watching does something particularly funny/depressing or when I'm playing a game and want to broadcast my thoughts or something funny. -> My format for that is '#Slimer.LIVEBLOGGER: {GAME}' btw! > #Slimer.SAVE -> Bookmark tag > #Slimer.ASK -> Answered Asks > #Slimer.RAMBLES -> My Rambles -> Sometimes when I start saying stuff... I might not shut up. If you don't wanna see a paragraph of tags on a post from me, I'd highly recommend blocking this tag. I'll use this tag if I ever decide to ramble about something in post format. This only affects tags as of current though. > #Slimer.RANT -> Rants -> Same as rambles, however this one is for tags only. And is only for when I get mad about something. Again, I'd recommend blocking this tag if you don't like seeing paragraphs about text in tags, or seeing someone get mad over something; Inconsequential or not. > #Slimer.VENT -> My Vents -> Entirely contained to my posts, I would highly recommend blocking this if you don't want to see others vent. I mainly use this to complain about customers, but I can't promise that things relating to my home life and mental health won't slip through. I might eventually move this onto a private sideblog, who knows.

And a DNI/BYF For Those That Care:

if you’re a terf/radfem/gender critical,

if you’re any form of queer exclusionist,

> Yes that includes you if you think mspec lesbians or she/her gays or he/him lesbians aren't queer/valid and whatever bullshit reason you have to justify why you think they don't belong in the community. Fuck you, get out.

> Also, don’t you fucking dare tell me that oppression is “black or white”/“you’re either this or that” You are a specific BREED of dumbass cunt that I don’t fucking want near me. Also don’t try taking words away from me to describe my experiences! I won’t be fucking nice about it if you try or if you say I’m a horrible person for it.

if you think its okay to participate in harassment: whether you're making the posts or reblogging them, especially if it's over fandoms or fucking ships

> I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable, please just learn to block and filter content, I promise that you will feel a million times happier after you do that, and that you'll find you'll have a lot more free time to do shit when you aren't harassing random strangers on the internet.

If you respect things like DNI's and such, please just do yourself a favor and block me if you see this. I obviously can't force you to follow this, however do please take note in the fact that when I do end up seeing that type of content from you, I will be slapping you with a fat ass block.

I consider harassment of pretty much any goddamn type deplorable. The same goes for hate like transphobia or exclusionary bullshit. Get out, Open your fucking eyes, Seek some resources for help, and Fucking get it.

And at the end of it all, see ya'll fuckers later!

(Post Made: 4/13/22 / Post Edited: 02/04/24)

#Intro Post #Tags Just For Me ->#Slimer.ART #Slimer.WIP #Slimer.REBLOG #Slimer.ASK #Slimer.POST #Slimer.LIVEBLOGGER #Slimer.SKETCH #Slimer.SAVE #Slimer.VENT #Slimer.RANT #Slimer.RAMBLES #Slimer.QUEUE’d

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krokonoko · 3 years

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The new Hitman trilogy is 100% made for people with ADHD and you should check ‘em out!

the other day I wrote up this huge rant for a friend on why I consider these games perfectly designed masterpieces that sometimes seem to be specifically made for people whose brains work like mine. Since the last part of the trilogy is about to drop this month, I thought hey, why not make this thing public, cuz I don’t see enough people talking about these absolute pieces of art!!!

Most ppl think the Hitman games are about shooting people, when actually, they are bona fide puzzle games with more in common with point-and-click-adventures than shooters.

The Hitman games are cut into individual levels. Each level is a completely new place with a completely new target that's got something else going on. One level is a huge estate with a fashion show inside, one level is a picturesque Italian coastal town with a genetic laboratory underneath it, etc. the maps are huge and contain hundreds of NPCs.

Strictly speaking, you have only one objective: find the target and eliminate it. That in and of itself is often not very difficult. BUT. the point is that you can approach the objective however you want. You can run in guns blazing, you can sneak over the roofs of the town into their kitchen and poison their food... or you can dress in a flamingo costume and blackmail them with classified information you stole from the original owner of the costume, which makes the target want to kill you, which means they will send their bodyguards away, which gives you an opportunity to get rid of them without any witnesses.

You can make the two targets meet each other, resulting in one killing the other, but not before they had a dramatic confrontation.

There's not much sneaking going on, most stealth is achieved through disguising yourself with every possible available outfit on the map, butler, bug extinguisher, hippie, masseur, surfing instructor, you name it!

of course 47 prepares extensively for all the roles he could potentially take on and excels at perfectly impersonating any and all of his disguises. make him take up the mantle of a drummer and watch him turn into a professional percussionist!

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or turn him into a real estate agent and watch him do his best to sell a house!

The true stars of the game are the NPCs, especially the targets.

They will often seem like a stereotype at first, but the more time you spend on a map, the more you follow them around, explore each corridor and listen to NPCs talking about them, the more you will realize that they have rich backgrounds, often even almost sympathetic motivators for their horrible actions. But it is not your job to judge them, you are just here to fulfill a contract. And as the man who hits, your gift and your curse is that you touch people's lives only by ending them.

The maps are meant to be played multiple times, and the better you get to know them, the more they turn into your personal playground. They are 1000 pieces puzzles, and you get rewarded with information (and just plain up hysterically funny dialogues) for exploring, listening to NPCs, experimenting with items and killing methods.

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All you HAVE to do is get rid of your targets. how much you meander on your way there, and which way you take is completely up to you.

Now how is that good for people with ADHD? Ofc I can't speak for everyone, only from my own experience. But for me the way in which this game gives you little snippets of information on every corner is absolutely perfect. You get a little puzzle piece here, another two there, and if you are interested in the target’s motivations, you can put them all together in your head to form one full picture - if you want.

If you’re not interested in an aspect of a mission, you don’t have to slog through endless amounts of information or cut scenes, you can just shoot your target in the head and leave.

Probably my favorite thing about the game are mission stories. They are clear routes to eliminating your targets you can take, where the game guides you through the level and tells you exactly what to do to achieve a particularly interesting or scenic route. One of my favorite mission stories is on the first map, in Paris, where you disguise yourself as a supermodel who is secretly a spy in order to get a private meeting with one of your targets.

For me, every new map is a new hyperfixation, and every new map has endless amounts of information hidden away in every nook and cranny that you CAN get lost in - if you want to. You don't have to. But BOY do I want to. Even after I’ve sunken over 200 hours into the first two entries in the trilogies, I still find stuff that I didn’t even know existed! The amount of intricate detail the developers worked into these games is not even comprehendable. On every corner there's something else going on, you stumble upon a gold mine of NPC dialogue on every corridor, and if you wonder: is there a way to approach the target like THAT...? There usually will be.

It's like it's Christmas every five minutes and my brain is firing like a racing motor cuz wherever you turn there's some new stimulation going on. And if you get distracted from what you were currently doing by some other shiny thing, well that’s no problem at all! Where often other games will slap your wrist for getting distracted, the developers put so much love and care into rewarding you for exploring every corner of the map. The game wants you to get creative and think outside of the box.

Every time Steam has some form of sale going on, the first two games are available for reduced prices. If you think any of what I said above sounds interesting, I highly recommend you check em out! I’d honestly say they’re some of the best video games I have ever played.

#Hitman #video games #ADHD #ADHD tips #ADHD positivity #Rob rants

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silvysartfulness · 3 years

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I got tagged by @ameliarating and @veliseraptor to do this writer meme thing!

How many works do you have on AO3?

Six. I only started posting fic on AO3 last year. Before that, many long years ago, I used my own websites and LiveJounal.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

177481. The absolute majority of which is of course Heaven Has A Road.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

On AO3, only The Untamed.

But before that, I've written for Disney Afternoon's Aladdin, Slayers, Kingdom Hearts, Assassin's Creed, and one-shot fics for my own original verses as well as my friends'.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Heaven Has A Road But No One Walks It at 1194, unsurprisingly. It's my magnum opus on AO3.

Blanket Statement at 302. The first fic I wrote for the Untamed, and the first thing I posted on AO3 (Thank you, Lise, for holding my hand and walking me through it!)

And To Many More at 169

High Noon In Deserted City at 96, which is sort of funny, since it's just a picture and about 1000 words. But the premise is fun! Still hoping for some hungry writer to adopt it and write something for it. :)

Self-Inflicted at 75.

Which checks out, I guess – the longest fic with the most readers comes first, then the fluff, then the funny and finally the angsty and fucked up. XD

I still suspect The Plotbunny of Doom / The Renegades for Kingdom Hearts would score as my all time highest, though, if LJ likes and comments translated to the AO3 format. That fic took me and two friends three whole years to write together, was 104 chapters long and over 300k.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I really try! Comments mean everything to me, and I want to reply to them all! But when I'm low on spoons (which is unfortunately often) I fall hopelessly behind, and then the catching up becomes an impossible-looking chore in and of itself.

I should really set some time aside every day to catch up on the last few chapters' worth of comments... I do love the interaction and discussion a good comment can spawn!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hm... I write a ton of angst, but only a few actually have sad endings. I'd say Eaten counts, as does Self-Inflicted, I guess. TPBoD had a very open ending that was still definitely on the somewhat hopeless side.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Mm, it's not usually my favourite genre (though I mean, the whole Kingdom Hearts verse is a crossover in and of itself) but it depends a lot on the source material. I guess TPBoD might soft-count, since we tossed in a bunch of non-canon references with all the world-jumping.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not as such? Oh yeah, I do recall getting a very upset comment on a non-con fic I wrote back in the KH days, by someone who couldn't conceive how you could claim to love a character and then write such horrible things happening to them. But you get those occasionally. Look, crushing my favourite characters is therapy. Doesn't mean I don't love them.

The Russian fandom are loudly aggressive in their comments on some chapters of Heaven Has A Road, but that's more focused on the characters, not me personally.

On the whole, I've been pretty spared. But then, there's little point in sending hate; I just block.

Do you write smut? if so what kind?

Oh, absolutely. Haven't really gotten to that point in the posted chapters of Heaven Has A Road yet, but we're about to unleash it aplenty in the upcoming ones.

What kind? Most kinds, I guess? Soft and fluffy, aggressive and snarly, consensual, dubcon, non-con. Mostly mlm but I've written het, too. Can't remember if I've written wlw, but I've certainly headcanoned/drawn it. A bit of kink is nice.

I prefer focusing on the chemistry and sensations when I write porn, rather than detailed physical smacking and squelching and body fluids, but that's just my personal preference and writing style.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of? Not that I can remember? I have my art stolen regularly, and I've had my online identity stolen, but I don't think anyone's stolen anything I've written...

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Heaven Has A Road is being translated into Russian, and I'm insanely honoured and flattered!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes – TPBoD aka The Plot Bunny of Doom, aka The Renegades, for Kingdom Hearts. I wrote it over ten years ago together with a friend and my now wife. It was a monster of a fic, I think about 320k, and the fact that we were three people helping and pushing and encouraging each other really helped keep it going!

I don't know if I would have the focus for something like it now, but it was an amazing experience I'll always treasure.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

Oh man, that changes with each hyperfixation... I may have to say Marluxia/Vexen for Kingdom Hearts, simply because it's a ship that's been around in my life for so long. I still occasionally go back to read favourite bits of the fics I wrote for them, including TPBoD.

Currently it's SongXueXiao from The Untamed, of course, and a very strong contender overall! I've dabbled a bit in poly ships before, but this is the first time I have one as my main, and I'm love them.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Uh. I don’t really have any? Because of my burnout-brain, I can only really focus on one major project at a time, and that's currently heaven has A Road. And I'm really, really hoping I will be able to finish it!

It's all plotted out, I just need to write the stupid thing. Working on it.

What are your writing strengths?

Hm, I'd say that I've developed a voice/prose over the years that I'm actually quite happy with! And I'm good at conveying/invoking emotion, if going solely by how many people comment that I've made them cry. :D

I enjoy writing dialogue, and I love working with layers of symbolism.

What are your writing weaknesses?

The actual writing process. 🙄 I'm extremely uneven and unstructured in getting the actual words down. Also convoluted and inflated text at times - sometimes I write a lot of words without actually saying anything. And English is my second language, so just nailing the correct phrasing and grammar can be a headache at times.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

If it impacts the plot – like the POV character not understanding it, then maybe. And using terms that can't be translated, absolutely! Other than that, there's little point in making a text harder for the reader to grasp by tossing in whole sections in another language for clout. Is my personal view, at least, of course other writers may disagree.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

My first online fandom that I wrote fic for was Disney Afternoon's Aladdin show. Before that, I wrote original fic. And before that, before the internet was A Thing, I'd write and draw for stories that captivated me, just for my own entertainment. If you count that, I'd probably say Phantom of the Opera was my first – I had a whole ”everyone is a horse because that's what I know how to draw” AU when I was about 10 or so, that I'd draw lots of pictures for. When I was even younger, I used to make up stories for my younger brothers, based on movies and series we had watched together. I've always been a storyteller, one way or another, if only in my own head. I wouldn't know how not to.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I would have to say Heaven Has A Road, even though it's still unfinished. It's the first work of that sheer scope I have ever attempted by myself, and I'm honestly insanely proud of myself for what I have accomplished already!

Second would be TPBoD – The Renegades. Even though that was a shared effort, it's a very long fic that we managed to bring all the way to its intended conclusion, and I'm very proud of that, too!

Plus there are bits of both these fics I really like, and that I will go back and read for my own enjoyment occasionally.

tagging: @orodrethsgeek, @ebonykain, @fromaliminalspace, @chigrima, @soawen

#asksilvy #i guess #long post

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piko-hammer · 3 years

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Repost don’t reblog!

Interview with the muse!

. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? : Amy.

. WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?: Amy Rose!

. DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU WERE CALLED THAT?: Can’t say that I can recall, but it’s a darn good name~!

. ARE YOU SINGLE OR TAKEN?: Single, but love works in mysterious ways, no?

. HAVE ANY ABILITIES OR POWERS?: Does being super cute and also a serious butt kicker count?

. WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOR?: Green! But more akin to the color of jade.

. HOW ABOUT YOUR HAIR COLOR? : The prettiest pink you can think of!

. HAVE YOU ANY FAMILY MEMBERS?: Ahh.. None that are currently with me.

OH? WHAT ABOUT PETS?: I’ve played around with the idea, but it would be pretty unfair to have a pet and not be able to spend enough time with it!

. THAT’S COOL I GUESS, NOW TELL ME SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE BAD AT.: You’re really makin’ me do this, huh? Okay, fine.. In terms of just regular stuff I’m bad at? Advanced mathematical problems and things that require a lot of intense problem solving or puzzle solving. It kind of just.. fries my brain.

. DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES YOU LIKE DOING?: Easy question! I partake in the ancient art of tarot card reading! Shopping, gardening, cooking, boxercise, singing and when I’m feeling ambitious enough knitting!

. EVER HURT ANYONE BEFORE? : Absolutely. Not that I’m proud of it, but sometimes you gotta knock some sense into someone if they won’t listen!!

. EVER….KILLED ANYONE BEFORE? : Badniks don’t count, right? Right.. Then no, never.

. NAME YOUR WORST HABITS : Alright, I’ll be the first to say it. I can hyperfixate a little. Just a little. Don’t look at me--Oh, and I also might be a little.. grabby. Is that a habit? Feels like it. I like being up close and personal!

. DO YOU LOOK UP TO ANYONE AT ALL?: Goodness.. So many, but out of everyone? It’s gotta be Sonic.

DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL? : Nope! I have a couple certifications but otherwise I’m not attending, no time for that!

WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?: This isn’t going to be used against me, right? Good. Losing my friends, being alone, enclosed spaces.. Those are the first things that come to mind.

WHAT DO YOU USUALLY WEAR?: A red dress, red headband and red boots. Red? A very good color. But I like to mix it up sometimes too!

. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE?: My friends, they’re my whole wide world. (If you were expecting me to say Sonic, well, he’s also my friend, okay?)

. HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?: I have to COUNT? Listen, I have so many. I can’t even count them out on both hands!

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON PIE?: Sweets are kind of a vice for me. Catch me making pies when I’m on an off day.

. FAVORITE DRINK?: Jasmine tea with lemon.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE?: Don’t make me choose, nooo..! Ugh, alright.. I’m particularly fond of meadows with lots of flowers. I can’t say there’s a specific spot where I go frequently--but that’s what comes to mind.

ARE YOU INTERESTED IN SOMEONE?: Sweats.

WOULD YOU RATHER SWIM IN THE LAKE OR THE OCEAN?: Oh, that’s a tough one.. Probably the ocean. Just as long as I got a lifeguard!

37. Camping or Indoors?: Depends on the season. If it’s chilly, catch me indoors but summer time? I’m all about camping!

Tagged by: @chaostested

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do this!!

#;; headcanons #// thanks for the tag <3 #;; que'd post

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feebledetective · 5 years

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15 questions, 15 mutuals.

⭑ Are you named after anyone? mmMMMM I don’t think so-- Probably not? I think my dad wanted to name me after his mom or siblings or something, I don’t remember but we somehow got whatever my current name is. If I had to take a wild guess and I doubt this is even the case it’s Dovecore at its peak and I’m sure my fam have more brain cells than me but what if I’m named after a chocolate brand in my place. Hell yeah-

⭑ When was the last time you cried? LAST NIGHT BC I’M A BABY AND PANIC ATTACKS HATE ME SO MUCH SO KAJSHDGFHDJSK

⭑ Do you have kids? If animals count as kids then ofc, a mother of 2 wild animals-- I hope to be a mother of 3 and you’ll see why later on. Okay but human kiddos? Nah, I don’t have em. Don’t know if I want them, actually, they lowkey make me feel really uneasy during their babbie stages and pregnancy is just. nO THAT’S TOO SCARY. :)

⭑ Do you use sarcasm a lot? Mmm I guess-? For the most part, though, they’re pretty harmless and I usually joke around with sarcasm. Nothing harmful~

⭑ What’s the first thing you notice about people? Hard to tell,,,, I guess like-- Their demeanor? How they talk and such. I mean-- Just by noticing their demeanor it lowkey ‘helps’ me decide what kind of a person they are, and whether or not I’m comfortable around em aksjdhfghdj

⭑ What’s your eye color? As boring as possible; brown.

⭑ Scary movie or happy ending? Why not both? I don’t really watch a lot of movies and I’m beyond selective with spooky movies now (Not counting J-horror lemme watch all.) but,,,, It would be nice to see a happy ending in some spooky movies. It’s better than some endings that don’t really make sense? And if the happy ending is fitting and not out of nowhere.

Okay, example time, I’m gonna ramble a bit about the Pet Sematary remake because I’ve been thinking about that movie again so “spoiler alert” for the main story heyo & death tw; As much as I wanted some sort of a good/happy ending I don’t think it would ‘fit’ it well with how the events played out. Your kid’s dead, you brought them back to life, and just. I wanted a good ending but after the wife comes back to see her kid “alive” again I think the chances of the fam being okay and happy is far from gone. The movie could’ve ending/gotten a good ending if they didn’t bring back their pet to life and if sad husband didn’t bring their kid to life but that defeats the whole point of the plot so. </3 Basically, if we got a happy ending for that movie, it would be completely out of place in my opinion. Also please read/watch the remake of Pet Sematary.

⭑ Any special talents? I’m the MASTER at rambling on and on about my special interests/hyperfixation(s) I don’t think anyone’s gonna understand how far I’ll go with this, and ofc making my bank account scream with my impulsivity-- Okay but aside from that, I guess I’m a decent artist. I know more about what to do than actually doing it and it makes me cri aksjdhf

⭑ Where were you born? This one hospital here, in the Middle East--

⭑ What are your hobbies? Drawing, playing gaems, writing, uh hhh,,,, Doing stuff with my OC’s ajhsbdnJS, and screaming about my interests when given the chance to do so because I will cry. I guess baking too because those are really fun!

⭑ Do you have any pets? OH YES I HAVE A CAT WHO’S MY SWEET DARLING BOY AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! AND MY DARLING SWEET COCKATOO SHE’S A WILD DEVIL I DIE FOR THEM BOTH MAN,,,, I would love to have a pet giant African millipede one day, I’m prepared for a 3rd child because I love everything about them.

⭑ What tattoos / piercings / body mods do you have? I don’t even have ear piercings because that involves a needle I think, too scary. But,,, Honestly, having a tattoo doesn’t sound all bad but it’s not something I’d get out of my way to get. Lowkey nervous to do that sometime because of religious stuff aH- If you ask me what tattoo I want I don’t. Know uhm-

As for body mods, give me some juicy body horror I look boring asdfg

⭑ How tall are you? I don’t even know/remember but here’s helpful info: I was once Makoto Naegi’s height. Wowzers jee willikers oh worm- I’m probably short though hm...

⭑ Dream job? ,,,,,I don’t eVEN KNOW RN BECAUSE IT’S SO INCONSISTENT. It’s inconsistent af because of one of my mental illnesses, changes every 10 seconds, but as of now,,, Despite how I’m majoring in art and death is a huge trigger of mine, I wanna work in a morgue asdfghfdjs

⭑ Favorite subject at school? English, Art & TOK!! I only had one year in a TOK class (because I’m not an IB student anymore thank Allah.) and that class was made for me.

I guess History’s one of em too but I haven’t had that subject in 3 years I think. Biology would also be one of the subjects I enjoy but e e eeee learning difficulties- too much information to process and it gets too complicating bUT IT’S STILL,,, V INTERESTING SO H-

tagged by: @ahogedetective [ tyyy KayKay ilysm!!! ]

tagging: @hasikon @overthinkex @truthgloved @subserviiient @marshson @liarsadvocate @omghoshii @heart-ruled @the-luminary-of-stars & whoever wants to do this !!

#[ this was so fun to write a aaA prolly rambled a bit in some questions i uwu;;;;; ]#//insects ment #//text heavy ish ?#//death ment #[ tHE TW'S MAN. ALL IN //ONE// POST AKSJHDGF ]#[ idk who's already tagged or not aH ]#| OutOfClues |

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aceyanaheim · 5 years

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Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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