#and many people in the community have decided they dont vibe with that

[magioffire]

saw your reply on that one ask post and while i still can't find the account in question to block, thank you for the extra clues on what to look out for!

alright im gonna be real its the blog char/lotte-l/iddel. i commonly do not name drop blogs and was 100 percent prepared to leave this shit behind but....i guess she just keeps wanting to drag everyone back in because every day, its something else. therefore i think its important people know exactly who tf she is so they dont have to walk on eggshells wondering if theres someone in their community that literally holds wrong and bigoted opinions against them for....simply existing? nah. no one should have to deal with that.

theyve deleted many of their anti-polyam posts to cover their tracks and avoid criticism. but their issues with polyam apparently include: wars have been started as a direct result of polyam relationships apparently (???? girl what. what wars), confusing polyam with forced religious polygamy (and seems to also conveniently forget that people still to this day are forced into monogamous relationships somehow), that only people who are childish, deluded or narcissistic are in polyam relationships, used right-wing talking heads like jor/dan p/eterson, m/att wa/lsh and j/oe ro/gan as 'sources' (as a trans person, even if you do not agree with everything these people say, if you uncritically consume them, i just dont feel safe around you. period.). and yet despite having these opinions she still thought it was okay to be in mutuals with openly polyamorous characters and muns, and follow the blogs of people who had it explicit in their rules that they dont tolerate ANY forms of bigotry or hatred. like, you gotta follow HER rules and respect HER boundaries but apparently everyone else's space and boundaries? free reign for her. she can reap the benefit of consuming our art and writing and being in our spaces while also having such vile opinions, apparently. now shes claiming its just an opinion of her muse, but we all know its just a smoke screen. we arent stupid, we can tell when someone is soapboxing using their character as a shield against criticism. and frankly, its repulsive. in this situation, you can either own up to your mistake, or double down on your bigoted stance and make it abundantly clear that you do not welcome certain groups of people into your space. thats fair. but shes being wishwashy, like many bigots nowadays are. they cannot own up to their biogtry and need a level of plausible deniability to avoid criticism, which...ultimately just means all of us have to walk on egg shells to 'tolerate' their shitty opinions because they 'claim' they arent *actually* hateful, they are just *concerned* or *uncomfortable*. like --

i could go on. but really i think you get it. im really sorry that you, and all of us, who are in this community to find respite from this kind of hate and intolerance, and enjoy eachother's differences, have to deal with this. i am friends with people from all walks of life, many world views, *i always give everyone the benefit of the doubt* but when i witness such blatant misinformation, pettiness and hatred being harbored within the community, i cant keep quiet about it or tolerate it.

ignore the shit out of her. she wants attention. dont give her anymore.

#ooc. #ask. #anon. #ugh this past week has been a mess. #i really do not blame anyone if they need to unfollow for their own sanity if this has been too much #i completely get it #this is NOT what i came to tumblr for either #long post cw #discourse cw #and hopefully this is DEF be the last of it because im honestly sick of this chick trying to pull people back in??? #no? we're done? we established you hate polyam people and likely other people who make you vaguely uncomfortable #and many people in the community have decided they dont vibe with that #over. done. move on. #dont send her messages. dont interact with her. dont try to debate. just block and ignore.

[newfallstrangeleaves]

Yandere in the apocalypse

Strawberries

M!Yandere X GN!reader Warning: stalking, mentions of killing. Summary: Continuation of the nightly visit story. The world has ended but that doesn't stop your yandere to prove (to nobody other than himself) that he can give you anything. He goes out of his way to get you something you want but things don't go as planned. Author's note: It was really nice to see the first part (and my first post) being so well received. Really thank you!!

Never will he be far behind. Always in the shadows watching over you. He truly is your guardian angel, undefeated protector, perfect boyfriend…

Though in a perfect world he would be close to you, show you how good he is to you.  But because of the friends of yours most of the time Aaron has to go unnoticed. But the times he does get close, he cherishes. 

The weather is nice and Aaron has spent the last 4 hours in a tree. Your group has made the decision to leave the city and head out into the wild. A decision he doesn't exactly agree with, for many reasons. Though your group has decided upon two night watchers now he dont believe for a second they could do a better job than him. 

Half of the group has split up from camp and gone out to look for food. You sit together with a girl with dark braids and a blond girl, who looks to be in need of a shower soon. The boy is there too, blissfully unaware of his surroundings and listening in on the conversation. 

“I LOVED to eat Moules frits, I could eat a whole bucket of those things.” The blond girl says. 

"Oh, you snob!” The braided girl exclaims. “Can you say something normal like a burger?” 

“But what is so weird about Moules frits? It's just Oysters and Fries! The blond pouts. 

“Wrong! It's Clams not Oysters, you idiot.” 

"You seem to know an awful lot about Moles frits, huh? Y/N, who do you think the real posh one is?” The blond looks over at you who throughout this whole conversation has just been smiling at the bickering. 

“Donno, seems like a tie, or what do you think Max?” You turn over to the boy who nods eagerly. You and Max exchange a look as the blond one rolls her eyes over dramatically, but the action prones a laugh out of the three of you. 

“What foods do you miss, Y/N?” Max asks when the laughing has died down. You think for a moment. 

“Well, not the canned potatoes that's for sure, or any other canned foods for that matter. I miss fresh ones, oh I know, I miss Strawberries!” You say. “And actually at this point I would be happy to have any shape, dried or fresh doesn't matter.” 

“Me too.” A voice from the bushes makes everyone jump.

Even Aaron is about to fall out of the tree. But when the other half of the group returns he swears over himself over the lack of awareness. But the conversation had made him think. If his love wants strawberries then she shall have strawberries. 

When night comes he sneaks down from his hideout. A week ago they passed a small community, odd people and overly religious. They had only really gotten a picture of them though three men who were out looking for a friend of theirs. The men had invited them back to their community but luckily your group had declined the offer. Good thing your group had caught their off vibes too and decided not to risk it. But when the both of your groups had parted ways and one of the men decided to turn back to you,  Aaron felt nothing good would come with a second encounter. So the man was killed and buried before sunrise. By then the group was up and away. 

But the men at the time had mentioned a garden filled with vegetables and fruits. Perhaps a tactic to lure you into their claws. But right now it's his best bet in finding Strawberries. 

Traveling alone ment moving at a much quicker pace. Perhaps he will be back to you in less than a week!

When he arrives he realizes the men weren't lying. If something they were playing it down by a lot.  Aaron could see “the garden” from a mile away by the size of it. The only problem he is facing now is getting in. It is surrounded by a huge fence, barbed wires, then on top of that they have built six hunting towers to guard from any intruders. 

He decides to wait until night time and while doing so he can feel his eyes grow heavier.

He wakes up (all stiff from sleeping in a tree) to the luck of a lifetime. Rockets are firing from the other side of the garden, somebody else is planning to break in too. He brings his handy pocket knife and while the guard's attention is elsewhere he takes the opportunity to run straight for one of the hunting towers. 

He just needs a little bit of luck to not be spotted now. Despite having two hunting towers at each side of him that could easily spot him he hopes their attention stays on the forest for intruders. 

The darkness hides him long enough to cut through the fence. His pocket knife pliers are weak, it takes time to cut through the fence. But not impossible. 

As he works up a hole big enough for him to fit through he can hear the guards discussing, the weak attack was quickly disarmed. But Aaron can sense them being on edge for anything else to happen. 

When he is through it's in and out. Their attention is not on the plantation but he still tries to hide amongst the greenery. It doesn't take long before he finds the red little berries. There are rows upon rows of them. They won't miss a few. When he is done collecting and placing the container back in his backpack, he turns to make his way out again. 

Just as he feels confident he is going to make it without getting spotted he gets just that. Spotted. He crawls through his hole as bullets start raining around him. His only option is to run and find shelter amongst the trees. He sprints as fast as he can, the trees approaching quickly. Just a few more steps. 

Then he feels one of the bullets hitting its target, a sharp pain shoots through his thigh. He lets out a cry of pain but with the adrenaline pumping his veins he doesn't stop. 

He pushes further and further through the forest even though he is not as fast as he would have liked, the people deciding to go after him seems to have given up the chase. Their voices grow more and more distant by the second. 

The following days are hard. He has to stop multiple times to not strain his wound too much. Worry starts to grow more and more each day. As he is slowing down you are walking further and further away. The fear something would have happened to you  while he was away grows stronger by the day. 

When the pain in his leg is unbearable as he is fighting to keep up a good pace he wishes he never left you. What if something has happened to you while he was gone? Why didn't he consider this before he left? How stupid he feels. 

He lets out a sigh of relief when he reaches a small lake and in the distance he can see your figure walking out in the water with your pants rolled up. So peaceful. Finally he can allow himself to rest and to heal. 

Mission accomplished too. He feels pride grow in his chest as he watches you. He can give you something nobody else can. He can't wait for your reaction. A smile only he could give you.

The next morning you wake up and the first thing you see is a small package with a note attached to it. 

“Whatcha got there?” Ginny asks as she frantically tries to brush through her blond curls with her fingers. 

“I don't know. Was here when I woke up.” You turn over the note and read what it says out loud. 

‘Got these for you. 

Until we meet, A.’

“A? There is no one here who starts with A.” Ginny says loudly. A ruckus begins amongst the ones that are awake. Their discussion is loud enough to wake up the rest.  

“What do I do with these?” You ask. 

“Leave them, it's not worth the risk.” Felice says and pulls her braids out from the shirt she just put on. “Come, you go with me from now on.” 

Aaron limps over to the spot you sat at as he is fighting tears. The anger and disappointment bubbling up in his chest. He wishes he could kill them, hurt them as they have hurt him. 

But all he does is pick up the berries. 

He knows revenge will come in due time.

#yandere male #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere oc #yandere x you #tw stalking #post apocalyptic #yandere x y/n

[rabbitbandit05]

this has been a thought in my mind forever, but can we get a modern mizu x reader who is getting bullied or made fun of at college or whatever. rumors are spread about the reader at parties, and in general the reader is having a tough time dealing with all of the false rumors or like bullying, and mizu just FLIPS and puts matters into her own hands? :3 (if you dont write modern mizu, thats okay, i just thought this would be a fun idea getting to see a protective mizu)

Anon, thank you for this request! I genuinely had such fun doing it, and had so many ideas that I tried to capture as many as I could (so it might be a bit over the place- sorry 😬). And I in fact do write modern Mizu!

The dynamic I was going for was Nana and Hachi (from Nana- if you know them ily)- and just kinda rolled with it. I also tried to use Y/N instead of reader or ‘you’, and I think I prefer it, however am open to feedback.

Also, again, Requests are open!

Enjoy!!

Word count: 3229 words

Warnings: Bullying, rumors, drama, I’m not sure what else to warn about

“I heard that she’ll sleep with anyone who offers themselves to her”

“No, really? Well, I guess when you look like that, you get desperate for attention..”

No one besides Y/N was really sure how the rumors had started. It was as if over night, the quiet, sensitive Y/N that everyone knew was erased and replaced with a much more sinister outlook on her.

“She never struck me for the type, not with her non-existent social life-”

“I wouldn't be too sure. She doesn't associate with people on campus, but have you seen her at the parties recently? There has to be some merit to the rumors with the way she dresses.”

But Y/N could pinpoint the exact moment they had started. It started with Y/N and Mizu meeting.

Campus was huge, and completely new to Y/N, who was still trying to find her way around. Y/N was a transfer student completing her bachelors after transferring from a community college in her area. To make matters worse for the already social awkward Y/N, she came in during spring semester- the middle of the academic year. By then, new students and transfers from fall had already formed their social groups, and that left Y/N to once again, be outcasted.

However, Y/N had already made a promise to herself that she would find friends and go out more often. And so when she heard of a Valentines day party that one of the Sororities on campus was hosting for students in her year, she decided she would go. Worst case scenario would be that she left if the vibe wasn't for her.

And so the fateful evening came and Y/N found herself getting ready for the party. That was how she had met Mizu. Y/N could still remember the sight of her. She had walked into the small, cramped house that was blaring with music. She couldn't walk two steps without bumping into someone, and couldn't hear her own feet hit the floor. It was a change from her usual solitude and quietness, and becoming dizzy with all the movement and sound, Y/N made a beeline for the nearest door leading outside, which happened to be to the backyard. In the backyard, the music from inside was muffled to a tolerable noise level, and Y/N took a deep breath in and out. And then, as if by some magic, she looked up and there she was, with a red solo cup in one hand, her hair in a half up and half down style that perfectly framed her sharp features, and the bluest eyes that Y/N had ever seen. Mizu drew Y/N to her with just a single glance, and call it fate, but Y/N (for the first time in her life) had the courage to go and introduce herself to the loner who stood at the edge of some makeshift garden.

After some talking and discovering that despite Mizu being a year ahead of Y/N, they both were studying the same major. They quickly exchanged phone numbers, and when Y/N woke up the next morning, Mizu had texted her asking if she would like to grab lunch. After having lunch, time seemed to pass quickly. Summer came, and they spent it together at one of mizu’s friends family summer home (His name was Ringo, if Y/N remembered correctly). Just them and the beach. There were times when they would both dive in the water, with Mizu going underwater and staying there long enough that Y/N would panic and wonder if she drowned. Luckily, that never happened and Mizu would emerge just as Y/N would dunk her head underwater to check for her.

And the fall came, and the happy times just… ended. The leaves turned brown, the flowers started to wilt and die off and Mizu’s schedule was packed fall semester with classes that she needed to take.Aside from the occasional meet up, they mostly conversed through text. Still, Y/N looked on the bright side and smiled when she would receive a text from Mizu. That was always the best part of her day. When she would receive the text messages that asked things like “did you eat today?” “Have you done your homework or are you procrastinating again?” and the rare “I miss you” text, Y/N would giggle and kick her feet, as if it was her lover asking her these things and not her best friend. She was sure, if Mizu had asked her to follow her to the ends of the world, Y/N would have. Is this how having a first love felt?

—-

The rumors made their way through campus, particularly though Y/N’s class and her major. It had started after Y/N had received a text messages in the middle of one of her classes from Mizu, asking if she was out of class yet. Y/N quickly responded back that she had 5 more minutes but before she could send that text, she heard a voice whisper something.

“Who is so important for her to be texting in the middle of class?” Y/N ignored it, as the person who whispered it didn't need to know and she hit send.

At the end of class, before Y/N could stand up to leave, she was confronted with the girl who had whispered wondering why Y/N was texting, and a few of her friends.

“Its rude to text during a lecture. What could be so important that it couldn't wait?”

Another one pipped up “What do you have a boyfriend or something?”

“Who im dating is none of your concern.” Y/N should have just said sorry and left it at that, but after hanging out with Mizu, she had found a new confidence in herself.

“So you were texting your boyfriend?”

“Thats rude to make assumptions-” Y/N started but was quickly cut off before she could get another word in.

“Oh so it was a hookup then? Never took you for the type.”

“I wasn't-” Y/N was cut off again

“How pathetic- so desperate that you have to text in class.” And finally, after the last berate and Y/N refusing to say anything, they all left, leaving Y/N to breath out a shaky sigh and stand up on her shaking legs.

After that day, Y/N received texts from unknown numbers asking her to hook up. She ignored them, playing it off as a prank, but then rumors started to go around campus, and those were harder to ignore. Y/N wont like and say that it was easy to ignore them, but she had been bullied for almost all of middle school and throughout high school, so she had thicker skin. However, what she wasn't expecting was a text. A week after the initial spread of the rumors, Y/N received a ominous text from Mizu:

‘we need to meet up.’

Y/N stared at the text for a good 10 minutes, thinking of how to respond. Should she deny the rumors? What if the reason why Mizu wanted to meet up wasn't because of the rumors but was to catch up? That would be self-centered of Y/N to think that Mizu wanted to meet up because of the rumors. But then why else when they hadn't seen each other for weeks? It had to be about the rumors going around.

This couldn't be happening to her. The only good thing in Y/N’s life ws Mizu, she couldn't lose her too. So with shaking hands, she typed as quickly as she could.

Y/N🌸:

‘Ok, how about we meet at luna’s?’

Mizu 🌊:

‘Does tomorrow morning- 10am work for you?’

Y/N🌸:

‘Yeah! Sounds perfect.’

Y/N shut off her phone before she got the urge to write anything else. She flopped onto her bed, and buried her head into her pillow. She hoped that this meeting with Mizu would clear the air and wouldn't break their friendship apart.

——

Y/N had arrived 15 minutes early at where they were supposed to meet- a tiny coffee shop near campus that they would go to in the spring. She decided she would get in line and order both of their usuals. When both drinks came out, Y/N sat down at an empty table and waited. The wait was horrible, though she knows that she was the one who decided to arrive early, and really she would only need to wait a few more minutes. And at exactly 9:58am, Y/N looked up and saw her.

“Hey Mizu,” Y/N waved the blue-eyed girl down from where she sat. Mizu took notice of Y/N and made her way over to the table, a small smile on her face. She had her hair up in a bun and wore casual attire, which somehow she looked even better in.

“Hey Y/N- how have you been?” The question was definitely loaded and Y/N wasn't sure how to respond to it. Y/N could feel Mizu’s eyes scanning her face, waiting for some sort of reaction or sure sign. Y/N shrugged her shoulders casually.

“I've been…. Well.” She said hesitantly, and then looked up into Mizus eyes. Judging by Mizu’s glare, she did not buy that. “Actually, it’s been a bit… rough lately…”

“I bet… I’ve heard what’s been going on…” her voice was calm. There was no ill will or anger mixed in her voice.

“How??” Y/N asked as concern reached her voice. Bad scenes ran through Y/N’s head just imagining how Mizu reacted when she found out. It would be even worse if it was the mean girls and her friends who told Mizu directly.

“I overheard Taigen saying something about it…” she closed her eyes and sighed in frustration. Y/N looked down and started fidgeting her her own fingers. “Do you have anything you wanna say or add?”

“The rumors… the- they aren't true. I would never…” she stopped to compose herself before continuing “Whats being said isnt a reflection of my character. I would never do any of the things that anyone is saying.”

“It doesn't matter, thats your own personal business Y/N, and you don't have to defend yourself.” She reached her hands out to calm Y/N as she could see her friend getting worked up. Mizu had meant well with her words. She had meant to phrase it as if there was nothing wrong even if the rumors were true, but Y/N shook her head fiercely as if objecting to her statement.

“It does matter for me!” Mizu’s eyes widened at the sudden voice raise from Y/N. She had never seen Y/N so angry about anything, and it worried her. “ I care about how you think of me… and right now, all I've been hearing is how I'm some slut making her way through the campus…I don't want you to see me like that, because thats not me. I want you to know the real me.” she paused. She could feel the tears in the corner of her eyes and hated the way that no matter how many times she blinked, they wouldn't go away. She took a deep breath in before finally saying “And I just want to know one person actually believes me… I’m so tired of being told what I am and what I’m not…”

“I believe you.” Mizu firmly said after thinking for a minute.

“Y-you do?” Y/N asked, hesitant at Mizu’s answer.

“I do. Over the past few months that we’ve talked, I never took you for the type. And I like to think I'm able to read a person very well. Regardless of what anyone else says about you, I like you…” Her words rang in Y/Ns head. They were warm and truthful and honestly, it made majority of Y/N’s fears disappear. Still- Y/N stared at Mizu in shock, not sure how to respond. The way Mizu stared at her with a small smile of reassurance and the gentleness of the hand that was placed atop of hers made this feel like a more intimate moment than it originally was. Then a cough erupted from Mizu-

“I mean- I like hanging out with you and you are really cool…” she placed a hand behind her head, a little bit of an awkward pose, and Y/N giggled responding back

“I like you too.” With that, Mizu sighed out and felt reassured by the pat of Y/N's hand on the back of her own. She had never been good with affection…

“So.. Now I guess we should start talking about how to solve this situation…” Mizu prompts, and Y/N raises an eyebrow.

“Solve it? How do we do that?” Y/N asked. She had tried to ignore it and that hadn’t worked, and Y/N standing up for herself made her worry that she would be bullied and targeted even more.

“Well, there are many ways we can do that, however it all depends on who started this and why? Do you know anyone who isn't particularly keen towards you? Anyone who would want to damage you reputation?” Mizu started tapping her fingers on the table, and Y/N shrunk her shoulders in embarrassment.

And so Y/N explained it. She started from the beginning, of how she had received a text (she left out that it was mizu’s text that started this), and how some of the girls in her class had made it their priority to ruin her reputation within their field of work all because Y/N had tried to stand up for herself.

There is a quiet that hangs in the air as the tap of Mizu’s finger stops. That instills more fear in Y/N than anything that Mizu could have said to her, as the blue eyed woman just stares at her intently. And then, as if in slow motion, Y/N sees it register in Mizu’s eyes what to do, and she starts babbling, saying anything she can to talk Mizu out of whatever she had planned.

“I-its not that big of a deal Mizu, Im a big girl and can handle myself- Besides i've heard much worse sa-” But before Y/N can ramble anymore, Mizu lays a gentle hand over her mouth. Not hard enough to truly silence her, but close enough that Y/N gets the hint and stops mid-sentence.

“Shut it. Nothing you say or do will change my mind.” Yeah, Y/N knew that. Knew better than anyone that when Mizu is set in her ways, she bends others to her will to achieve her goals. And so, there was really nothing that Y/N could do to change her mind, but even then, that was a hard pill to swallow.

“So… what are you planning on doing now?” Y/N asked, after Mizu removed her hand.

“Hmm. You'll see.” She shrugged as she stood up, gathering not only her things, but Y/N’s as well, and throwing it over her shoulder.

“I don't like the way that sounds… Also- where are you taking my things???” Y/N stood as well and stared incredulously at Mizu’s back as she walked away.

“We are going to go get dinner- my treat.” Y/N couldn't argue with that, and if she did, there is no doubt Mizu would walk away with her belongings and leave her without a computer or her textbook, so Y/N followed. She couldn't stay mad though, dinner was good and it tasted better knowing Mizu believed her and still wanted to see her.

—------

The next day, Y/N attended class, with her head down low, and trying to be as noticeable as possible, though that proved harder than she thought. Throughout the class she could hear students whispering about her. She couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but she knew what they were talking about. As the class wrapped up and the first student left, a familiar figure walked through the door and made a straight line towards Y/N.

“Mizu?” The shock of seeing the woman here had Y/N speechless “How did you know that I have this class today? And that I get out at this time?” Y/N asked Mizu, as Mizu picked up her bag for her. This was becoming a regular occurrence and Y/N wasn't sure weather she liked it or made her worry for Mizu’s back (especially with all the books she carries).

“That one day we were texting and you said you got out in 5 minutes? I made it a point to remember your schedule after that day.” Y/N blushed, and just gave a small ‘thank you’. Before either of them could get away though, they were both stopped.

“Hold it right there-” Mizu turned around, murder on her face, and Y/N shivered. She had to make a mental note to never get on Mizu’s bad side. And as she turned to look at who had stopped them, the fear she had of Mizu vanished and a cold ran through her.

It was her… the one who had started the rumors about Y/N and put her in this place in the first place. She felt so many emotions, mainly ranging from anger to sadness. Mizu on the other hand, just saw red.

“So what? Are you dating now too? I didn't know that Y/N slept around with both guys and girls-” Her high pitch voice rang in Y/N’s ears, and she felt her ears go red at the question and just the thought of it. However, Mizu’s face showed no indicator that the question had affected her at all. In fact, she gave a sly grin, and before Y/N could answer the question for the both of them, Mizu responded.

“Sure we are. Actually- Im the boyfriend that is being referred to…” The girl widened her eyes, as if not believing what she was hearing. Actually, Y/N was quite sure that a majority of the class who had not left were now focusing on their conversation after hearing Mizu publicly announce her affiliation with Y/N. Not only her affiliation- BUT THAT THEY WERE DATING?! “Not that that should matter to anyone else, especially not garbage like you.” A few gasps emerged from the students. No one dared to defend the girl against Mizu. And in a swift fashion, Mizu reached an arm around Y/N’s waist and brought her closer. “And I can assure you, that whatever rumors are flying around are false-”

Before anyone could argue against Mizu, Mizu was practically dragging Y/N away.

‘M-mizu?!” Y/N whispered as they both walked away, Mizu’s hand pressed on her back feeling heavier and more prominent than it probably was. This would surely gain the attention of not only the students in her class but now the upper class, now that Mizu was involved.

The only response that Y/N received was a barely an explanation: “If they want something to talk about, we’ll both give them something to talk about.”

————-

Hello reader, this was honestly a hot mess- and definetly not grammatically correct. Still, hope I got the general idea of this across!

#mizu x reader #bes mizu #mizu blue eye samurai #blue eye samurai #bes #headcanon

[adiosmotherfck]

Could you write something for Graves, reader gives off major black widow vibes and has worked with shadow company multiple times in the past and now she has a mission with them again. Some fluff or angst i dont mind but they definitely have a flirtatious relationship and a lot of mutual attraction.

If you can that would be amazing!!

Chemicals in the Air

Phillip "Shadow-1" Graves x fem!Reader

cw: blood, violence, guns, swearing, fluff (for once)

word count: 3k

situation: You and Graves were an iconic duo, so now you had one of the many missions you had together, and even in a bad situation his humour never falters..

A/N: I am not sure I portrayed the major black widow vibes for the reader, but the reader is definitely cool as hell in hand to hand combat.. Hopefully that is included in black widow vibes, sorry if this is not what you wanted/expected!

You made your way towards the automatic sliding doors, and brought your keycard up to the reader, but before you swiped it the doors opened by themselves. The already familiar room greeting you, with a familiar face inside.

You raised an eyebrow with a little smile, seeing Phillip Graves sitting in the chair at the end of the table watching you with a small smile of his own. You lowered your hand and made your way inside the room, the doors sliding closed behind you.

“Missed me that much, eh?” you sat down on the other side of the table, facing the man who was leaning back in his office chair, watching you. You knew it was him who opened the door right before you did it yourself. He must've watched the cameras, watching you approach, you knew he couldn't have heard you. Even in your combat boots you moved with grace and stealth, not giving away your position with walking sounds.

“How could I not? I missed wipin’ the drool off my Shadows’ faces.” his lips turned up into a smirk on his face as he sent a file sliding on the table into your hands.

“Ay, no need to boost my ego this much, Graves, we both know you were drooling yourself watching me walk here.” you said, opening the file and skimming through the text written on the pages.

You’ve worked with Graves and Shadow Company several times and both of you grew to like the dynamics between you. Making jokes, flirting and sometimes picking on each other to keep the air burning between you two.

When he invited you to join the mission with him for the first time, he never knew you personally or ever met you before. He knew your achievements records, he saw your mission reports and knew that he needed a soldier like you working with him.

You didn't know what to expect from him when you first got the invitation, but Shadow Company’ name was well respected. Many of your fellow soldiers would want to join the ranks of Shadows or be invited to join the Shadow Company on missions, so you decided to not waste the chance and give this opportunity a try.

You and Graves quickly found yourself in comfortable communication and after the first mission, that was successful and you even managed to finish it ahead of time, a number of other tasks and missions followed which you happily did together with Graves and his Shadows.

“This time everything is serious. They are manufacturing and shipping potential biological weapons. The base is too big to be ambushed with no potential consequences, we will have to separate and go in from different ends and meet in the middle.” his tone got typically serious as he explained the situation, watching you furrow your eyebrows a little at the words.

“Let me guess, Botulinum toxin?” you asked, keeping your eyes on the text and the picture of the base, that was clipped at the top of the file.

“Bingo. A gram kills a few million people if inhaled.” Phillip answered, keeping his hands together on the table.

“Lazy bastards, no creativity whatsoever, always choose the easiest one to make.” you closed the file and sent it sliding back across the table to land at Graves’ hands. “When are we moving?”

“Two days, while we develop a flawless plan and deliver the gas masks for the whole battalion, we can't possibly risk going in without them. If we fail, no one is coming back home.” he concluded, his hand going through his blond hair.

“Then let's do our worst.” you said, standing up from the table, the gesture he mirrored.

“Perhaps you wanted to say our best.” he raised an eyebrow, the familiar little smirk returning to his face.

“Nah, Commander, I meant our worst.” you returned the smirk and with a glance over your shoulder at him you left the office.

Two days flew by too quickly, you stayed at the Shadow Company’ base, like you always did before the missions while the planning and preparations were taking place. You prepared your rifle and pistol, stuffing the knives into the relative pockets on your thighs and vest. You made sure to check your gas mask several times for any signs of malfunctions or defects, it's better to find them before the mission and not when you are in the building exposed to the toxins.

You and Graves were leading two groups of soldiers, you and your group entering from the main entrance, while Graves and his group would infiltrate from the back. The plan was to wipe the building clean, as cruel as it sounds, the building was filled with organised crime gang members, there weren't any scientists left who developed the materials and chemicals for the biological weapon currently being stored there.

Both of you knew the importance of the mission that was in front of you. It would have been handled by the military and special forces, but the rules of engagement were different and the risk was too high, so the high standing commanders didn't want to risk their soldiers, sending the PMCs and you in there.

“So are we clear, Shadows?” Graves’ voice sounded in the silent angar where almost 2 hundred of Shadows were gathered all together and were listening to the last words before the mission from their Commander. Loads of “Yup-yup” sounded throughout the air and Graves gave them a satisfied nod, glancing at you, who stood by his side in front of everyone.

After the meeting, all of you made the final checks and went for the lined up vehicles to take you to the base. You and Graves stood in between two cars, the base was big so halfway there you’d have to take different directions to your entrances to start the infiltration plan.

“So Y/N, you are leaving me again, eh?” he smiled at you.

“You wish I did, I'll be on your radio in 30 after we leave.” you joked, putting your helmet on and struggling with the clip.

“Come here.” Graves stepped closer and leaned to you, clipping the helmet straps under your chin. “What's next? Changing your magazines and then brushing your teeth?”

You gave him a slight shove on the shoulder “Considering your age, I will have to walk you back and forth to the bathroom when your back gives out.”

“Looking forward to it, Y/N.” he laughed and then genuinely smiled at you and instantly recognised that look on his face.

“No, don’t you dare start that now.” you pointed a finger at him with a pointed look “I will meet you in the middle of the base and then back at your HQ.”

“You better do, because if you decide to die on me, I will bring you back to kill you myself.” he said, shoving your finger away gently.

“Don't worry, you aren't getting rid of me so easily.” you gave him a small raise of the eyebrow and made your way into the car, alongside two other Shadows.

The road to the base took all of you quite a long time, your muscles starting to ache from sitting in the same position for too long. You've heard through the radio Phillip answering some of the questions of his Shadows, rolling your eyes once when the man got too cocky.

When you finally made it to the nearest to the base woods, exiting the vehicles and making your way closer to it on foot, constantly on alert, scanning the perimeter in front of you.

You stopped, looking at the base territory through binoculars offered to you by one of the Shadows with you, noting the outside guards.

“3 on the left side, 2 on top of the entrance and 3 patrolling the right side.” you stated, receiving several quick nods from the soldiers with you.

You gave the binoculars back, taking the sniper rifle from the hands of the Shadow on your left, two other Shadows lowered themselves down on the ground, looking at the base through the scopes. You did the same, laying down, knowing that others were currently watching your three’s back and sides to eliminate the threats which might arise in close proximity.

“Starting with the trio on the left, shooting the way we are positioned. I take the guy on the left, Shadow 2-1 take the middle and 2-5 take the guy on the right. 3..2..1.” you commanded and 3 almost synced and silenced shots were heard in the air, as the three guards fell to the ground. You repeated that with the two on top of the entrance and three patrolling the right side.

“Good job, now we advance before they get notified.” you stood up and advanced towards the base with the Shadows following closely behind you.

Moving to the breaching position at the front, you found the door unlocked, which wasn't uncommon but in a place of such secrecy like this, it was a mixed signal. You silently gestured to the front guys to open the doors and for others to proceed with you in front.

After several nods, you exhaled and put down your gas mask, in case anything was in the air or was about to get in there when they notice your arrival.

You got through the door and gunfire started immediately. Shots were being fired from at least 4 places in the big hall, as you ducked for cover, peeking from behind a large stack of wooden boxes with your M4 in front of you, returning the enemy fire.

Slowly but surely you were advancing through the hall, notifying Graves of your position. He and his group successfully entered the base approximately at the same time as you, causing much less noise considering their entry point. It was now a matter of time for you to meet in the middle.

Advancing through the base was a challenge, the air was foggy and you didn't know if it was from the smoke bombs or something else was in the air, something that would burn your lungs from the inside in matter of seconds, leaving you breathless forever.

As you advanced it was getting bloodier, messier and dirtier. The enemies were sometimes appearing in close distance out of nowhere, appearing from the smoke and trying to challenge you in hand to hand combat, with you easily dealing with them, losing a few of your knives in their necks on the way.

“Y/N, Shadow 2, check your fire we are closing on the meeting point, silent on our side.” you heard Grave’s voice on the radio and quickly pressed the button to answer “Roger.” to him, but the sight in front of you left your finger frozen on the button, as you eyed an army of at least 100 armed men filling the storage room.

Coming back to your senses at the loud noises of gunfire, you dropped on the floor sliding a few metres on your knees towards the closest column, that was perfectly covering you.

“Shadow 1, advance towards us, they are all here.” you almost yelled into the radio, peeking from the column and immediately being met with a rain of bullets on it. You managed to kill several men before you had to duck back to reload, you didn't hear Grave’s answer or if he answered at all, the men were advancing towards you and it was a bad sign.

Your numbers were plummeting, while it looked like theirs stayed the same if now grew bigger. It was no surprise that Graves’ side was silent, everyone was there to meet your group, probably not expecting a second one from the back which would hopefully pay them a good lesson if Graves ever came.

A man appeared right in front of you, swinging at you with the butt of his rifle. He had the element of surprise so you didn't react as quickly as you would've if you knew he was there, but you grabbed his hand yanking him towards the ground, wrapping your legs around his waist pinning him to the ground and putting your M4 under his neck, roughly pulling it back to break it. A few seconds later the man was laying on the ground limp.

You swore under your breath as you kept firing rounds at the enemy men advancing towards your positions. You reached for another magazine in your vest as you felt that all the other magazine pockets on your vest were empty. Swearing some more, you took the last magazine, reloading and keeping active fire on the enemies.

As you suspected, one magazine wasn't enough to keep you fighting for too long. Shoving the empty rifle to your side, to let it just hang and not bother you, you took the pistol out of the vest and kept firing.

That won you some time, as you looked over the Shadows, whose magazines were almost empty just as yours. Praying for Graves’ fast arrival, you emptied your pistol into the enemies. The last weapon you had was your long bladed knife, which you were now gripping in your hand, pressing the radio button with your other hand.

“Shadows, we keep fighting. Take your knives, nails, teeth, I don't care. We do not step back and keep going forward. Let's do this.” you glanced around, catching a few head nods and nodded to yourself.

There weren't many enemy men left, but they had the weapon advantage, definitely having enough bullets left. You peeked out of your column and saw a man heading towards you with a greasy smile on his face and his knife in hand. You exhaled and stepped out of the cover, swinging the knife at him, the man managed to dodge it, aiming for your neck with his own knife now. You quickly caught his wrist, tightly squeezing it to make him drop the knife, while he tried to attack you with his free hand.

Your hand to hand combat was supported by the fighting noises on all of your sides, with Shadows attacking enemy men with knives and gloved hands. The man was skilled in combat, there was no doubt about it, as he dodged your attempts to stab him and almost succeeded in stabbing you with his knife.

You finally succeeded in stabbing your knife deep into his neck, the man falling limp on the ground, and before you managed to catch your breath another jumped on you from behind, trying to make you lose balance and fall to the floor. You shifted your weight and grabbing the mans arm with both of your hands, and bent forwards, sending the man flying from behind of you, to the ground in front of you, bending his arm to an unnatural angle and then lowering to your knees and snapping his neck. As you were wiping the sweat off your forehead you felt rough hands grip your shoulder and before you managed to react and send the man flying the same way you just did with his colleague, you felt the cold blade of the knife under your throat.

The smoke was slowly settling down, so most of the room was still hardly visible, and the enemy knew the base better than all of you all together, allowing them to use it as cover and use that to their advantage, like for example right now. The man dragged you back a little, so no one of the Shadows could come up to him from the side or from behind, as his back almost hit the wall, with you on your knees at his feet.

“You killed all my men, you will pay for your crimes!” the man holding you said, as he pressed the knife a little more into your neck. “You have the last chance to get the hell out of here or your girl will bleed out in front of you!”

The heavy silence settled in the angar, as the Shadows didn't dare move, knowing that the man was more than capable of going further with what he just threatened to do.

“Leave my grounds, you fools! You have 10 seconds or I’m gonna show you the difference between real men and private empty headed dogs! I will slice her throat open for you all to see.” the knife was being pressed into your throat stronger, and you felt a few drops of blood run down your neck as you swallowed.

“One..” the man said but was abruptly cut off, his weight suddenly falling on top of you, pressing you to the ground, his blood dirtying your clothes. You immediately pushed him off, with several Shadows rushing to your side to help you.

You pressed a hand to your throat the cold feeling of the knife still burning your skin, as you saw familiar boots in your view and looked up, seeing Graves staring down at you and then pressing the button on his radio.

“Bastard stole my line, I couldn't forgive him that.” he said and offered you a hand to stand up.

You ignored it, rolling your eyes and standing up yourself, pressing the button on the radio “I’d say thank you, but it took you long enough. Did your back give out on the way here?”

You saw the crinkles around his eyes appear, indicating that the commander was smiling under his gas mask “Yeah, something like that, I just didn't really want to come.”

You gave him a light shove on the shoulder and both of you lead your teams out of the building, to let the professionals handle the biological weapon inside, now that the base was clear.

#call of duty #modern warfare #modern warfare 2 #phillip graves #mw2 2022 #cod mwii #shadow company #phillip graves fic #phillip graves mw2 #phillip graves x you #phillip graves x reader #phillip graves imagine #cod mobile #simon riley #john soap mactavish

[betaoctillery]

i dont follow ppl that dont support mspec lesbians btw. not only is it bullshit gender/sexuality policing but its ahistorical as shit when bisexuals & lesbians were almost indisguishable from one another until a very specific point in the 1970s when terfs and political lesbians began dividing the community by excluding anyone who had ANY association to perceived masculinity, which included trans women (bcus terfs thought of them as men), bi women for sleeping with men, butches for expressing masculinity, and women of color for racist reasons which posited that they arent feminine/women bcus many dont look/act/talk exactly like cis/het white women.

at any rate, the current accepted definition for the term lesbian is inherently bisexual! everyone says it means “attraction to women and nonbinary ppl” (which is nb-phobic outright ANYWAYS by lumping ALL nonbinary ppl with women -- this is what ppl are criticizing when they say we’re treated as “women-lite”) so if youre not being a nb-phobic asshat, you then have to acknowledge that woman and nonbinary are different genders, thereby making lesbianism a fundamentally bisexual identity as it includes to attraction to two or more genders. 

like think critically for a moment. what about a bigender lesbian who feels like they are both a man and a woman? do you personally get to decide, do you personally get to have the authority, to choose which identity of theirs to suppress in order to cram them into one specific neat little box? whichever way you try to pigeonhole them, youre promoting gender binarism, which is nb-phobic. trying to cut up and divide ppl’s identities like nations erecting borders is dehumanizing. 

another aspect of this issue ive noticed is that almost every single person ive met who self-identifies as a bi or mspec lesbian is trans or nonbinary. they often have complicated relationships to gender and sexuality that sweeping statements like “lesbians cant like men!!!” end up erasing their experiences. ive seen ppl claim its a term used by cis women to describe sleeping with trans women and i cant stress enough how in all the reading and research ive done on bi lesbianism that ive never once seen that cited as a definition or something having been done in practice. its literally just ignorant teenagers or young adults in their early 20s who know nothing about their community’s culture or history talking straight out of their asses. and if there are ppl who do this, theyre extreme outliers and its disingenous to act like mspec lesbians would defend such a level of transphobia when, again, most mspec lesbians are transgender themselves and are well aware that this division occured bcus of terfs.

read queer history yall. for the love of whatever you consider sacred and holy in this world pls fucking read queer history. dont get all of your information off of social media, random unsourced carrds made by teenagers who obviously dont make an effort to learn about their own community, and bad faith internet debaters who make conclusions drawn off what amounts to nothing more than “vibes” essentially. these people have really big loud mouths, but theyre simply wrong. material history will never agree with them. 

throughout history, bi and lesbian have more or less meant and were treated as the same thing, including both women who exclusively were attracted to other women AS WELL AS women who were attracted to both women and men.

and until a single exclusionist can provide sources that can prove that 70′s lesbian separatism wasn’t a huge, well documented movement that resulted in much of the exclusionary attitudes and its effects we see even today, im just gonna continue to laugh at how childishly they cover their ears and go “la la la la” when presented with verifiable and cited evidence that this happened.

#bi lesbian #mspec lesbian #nonbinary #nonbinaryphobia #queer history

[itsbebebrainrotting]

Rant incoming, sorry!!

Do they even know WHY they are fighting and killing??

Im still trying to figure out why tubbo and bad thought to attack red first and then yell revenge when red retaliated. Like, why?? (I'm crow and red main so I probably won't watch the others for the lolz) Chaotic angst energy.

And people keep saying because of Dapper and what Dapper said. And I'm like "what?" Because with that same logic/energy qPhilza can say the same if decided to do the same. "Chayanna said to protect Tallulah no matter what- so Ima kill everyone in sight for whatever reason." That sounds crazy. Right? (Is it just me??)

Like we(their little community/family) been talking and communicating all this time why now does it go out the window? because some random guy who doesnt like us said so? (Quackity did warn them in Brazil tho)

We know the fed dont like us and can't be trusted so why are we not having that same energy towards this guy?

Like I get it, I do. Things are on the line or so it seem but why aren't we actually thinking things through?? Talking?? Coming up with a plan to get everyone and the eggs home. Do we not care for all life anymore?

Its about to be Day 3 and I am so drained from Day 1. Like Charlie's voice, I'm struggling now. My soul is heavy as a red pov.

And yes we won Day 2 but everything has consequences... like please..

I- I just want them to talk for more than a couple seconds.. minutes before thoughts of killing off rip..

*peepoHands*

(I hope it was okay to come to you)

Dont worry about the rant! I like hearing other peoples opinions on things and dont get many asks often so anythings appreciated.

As someone whose main povs are team blue i still understand you entirely but also can explain a couple things (in a similar ranty form lol):

First of all as to why they were killing: I think on day one the competitive nature of the event was at the forefront of blues mind. Bad had been told by his son (who, remember, he literally kidnapped a worker to save) to do anything to win even if it hurt others. Which honestly does imply hostility a bit more than chayannes message. Tubbo also wants chayanne and tallulah (and richarlyson) back like theyre his own children (and has definitely been over excited and trying to prove himself as leader of blue so is being more competitive for his own pride). They were thrust into this situation with all that in mind and just wanted to win by any means, or at least thats the vibe i got.

None of them fully understood the rules of the event either. They tragically fell to the tragic mcyt curse of not reading instructions. They didnt even think about the cursed team until i think it was slime who said he thought red was cursed at which point niki insisted (and still insists) she doesnt think there is a cursed team. Tubbo thought the cursed team changed daily, if you want further proof that rules were not at the forefront of their mind. They just wanted to win since that was what the eggs had said to do. Of course now ccs are more aware of the rules they are keeping them in mind but no one seems to be proposing full teamwork yet.

Funny enough, i think ive mentioned it in a post before but red being their target on day 1 was entirely on accident. Bad killed slime first under the impression he was on green and then continued to go for his team because they happened to be not too far. From what ive gathered, green was bloodthirsty but struggling to find the other teams so thats why blue and red originally started fighting. As for getting angry at retaliation? I think thats just competitive spirit getting in the way.

The whole thing was slightly frustrating personally from a viewer pov because im exactly with you in the fact that they should be talking. They should be figuring out the cursed team. They should be boosting the cursed teams stats. But they didnt understand that and instead went hostile immediately due to the newness of the whole thing.

Even yesterday bad was considering killing red and i was a little frustrated. I get that he was annoyed (if u dont know yesterday blue grinded global tasks but were barely gaining percentage compared to etoiles - at one point they handed smth in and got like 1% - and bad thought kills may have helped them a bit) but blue didnt need to win day 2! If anything that wouldve been detrimental to them considering the cursed team is still unknown (but bbh thinks blues cursed so...). Eventually he settled on bargaining with them by offering something in return for a kill but never got a chance to because he ran out of time. Still, the suggestion was a bit frustrating at the time as someone who was seeing red having a terrible time from liveblogs.

I definitely consider most of day one out of character, as there is no way in hell the characters shouldve been acting the way they did considering all they were supposed to know. Even if qbbh would do anything for dapper he definitely wouldnt outright hurt his friends or risk the other eggs chances of survival. (Also this entirely broke cellbits current arc of being very agressive considering how badly hes been beat down this event.)

Even just hearing about red on both days was draining for me. The one reason im not vodwatching them is that i could feel the draining vibes from liveblogs alone so i cant image what it must be like to main them and while im happy they won, their strategy today was a lot more aggressive compared to everyone else who was trying to tone it down a bunch so i fear for the next few days on everyones povs as the aftermath of that plays out.

Thankfully ive heard bagi wants to unite the teams and bad and baghera discussed getting a group together to theorise about the cursed team so maybe between the three of them things can start moving in the right direction and return to being in character and communicating. Todays the event which may not allow for anyone to unite everyone immediately but i hope they do sooner rather than later.

#discourse #qsmp discourse #not maintagging cuz this post sounds a bit too much like neg at times #its not hate im just whiny and fear it may come off as neg

[nyphren]

witness "theory" from a noob

ive been playing destiny for two months only so i dont think im knowledgeable enough to come up real theories but ive got some ideas and decided to write them down just to see what everyone thinks.

so take this less as a real theory and more as an "wouldnt that be neat?" kind of thing. i have no links to lore entries, no sources from when x character said y, etc. this is all from reading lore theories since i started playing in march.

also i bet someone already came up with something similar at some point.

the theory is: the witness isn't the first knife. it is the amalgamation of people who lost the flower game so far.

for this theory to work im operating under these assumptions:

the vex are the winners of the flower game.

the river of souls is some sort of dimension/plane that "contains" the souls/memories of literally everyone who already died and also connects everyone living (see strand).

the first knife was "created" to maintain the winnower's vision.

the first knife's purpose

so why isnt the witness the first knife? to me, it's simple: the first knife was created the instant the gardener tried to influence the flower game and, more importantly, it was created with the intent of stopping them from doing so. the first knife's purpose was to keep the game as it was before this new set of rules (aka paracausality) because that is what the winnower wanted. therefore, the first knife does not want to erase all life in the universe/flower game, nor does it want to stop anyone from dying. it was wants to go back to the status quo.

the witness does not want that (as far as i can tell). from its reveal at the end of witch queen:

you promised them life… but deliver only death. as you have for so many before. enough. enough death. enough life.

the witness wants to... stop everything, i guess. i see it more as trying to break free from the flower game than trying to restore the vanilla flower game.

if we agree that the vex are the winners of the flower game, it would be in the best interest of the first knife to have them take over the universe. but the witness does not want that. actually, the witness spares no thought for the vex and focuses only on the traveler. more than that, it seems to almost resent the traveler too. why?

the river of souls

as we learn in lightfall, the river of souls connects all things. we can't control it, we kind of just vibe within it. orisis says that all minds are connected in this web of consciousness - we can tap into this web to use strand. the qugu, an ancient race exterminated by the hive, could use the darkness to commune with their ancestors; i think we can assume they used the river of souls for that. so: souls of the dead can be found within the river of souls. it is a place (thing? plane?) where both the living and the departed can exist.

which includes the souls of the many civilizations who were killed by the hive or simply died out for other reasons. if the universe was still just the flower game in the garden, these people would be the flowers who perished, the ones taken over by the vex. they lost. that could make them angry, no?

mara says of the witness "beneath all else, that being cradles rage enough to burn the stars themselves to cinders." at the altar of reflection, two of savathun's lines are about the witness once being mortal and its people being blessed - in one line by the light, in the other by the shadow. but in both this people found power and knowledge, they were not content with it, and the same power and knowledge turned greed and despair. this people, then, changed forever.

i believe one of these lines is true - the one about the witness' people being blessed by light. i believe they flourished under the traveler's protection, and at some point they found out about the winnower and the gardener and how the universe is still kind of game for these forces (even if they arent actually beings, just forces - the garden does not need to be literal here). and then this civilization lost. maybe learning about the flower game gave them an existential crisis, maybe it made them resent the traveler for using them (in a way). we have little to no knowledge of how the traveler behaved before it started to flee the witness and abandon its chosen. maybe it always left after a while. who knows. but this civilization lost, it was furious and it absolutely hated the flower game.

then they went into the river of souls and in some way, somehow, "escaped" from it, if it was a prison at all, and became the witness. and they - now it - was furious. as mara said, it had rage enough to burn the stars to cinders. and it blamed the traveler, while also pitying it in a way.

at the end of lightfall it says:

the universe makes us all victim… and perpetrator… of its infinite cruelty. you, more than any, suffer both fates. be free.

which i translate as:

the flower game is fucking ridiculous. you, the traveler, kept trying to play it with new rules without a care for the peoples who STILL died, new shape in the horizon or not. but you also gave life and saw it die so you also suffered by playing this game. im freeing you from it.

imo, the witness is called the witness because it, well, witnessed the flower game in action. it is a witness for the dead. maybe it is an amalgamation of many civilizations who lost, not only one. it watched as the flower game happened for reals and saw all the suffering and all the deaths it created

also the witness seems to be emerging from water in its first appearance which probably just for the cool factor but it is neat

the final shape is not the final shape

the winnower's final shape is not the witness' final shape. the winnower wanted to keep the vex as the winners because they were the one true final shape since the beginning (or before the beginning i guess). they had no love for the vex, mind; their purpose was to cull the garden, to observe the flowers grow and die until the final shape emerged.

the witness does not want or care about that at all (imo). the final shape for the witness is not playing the flower game. it is, in a way, nothingness.

the winnower's final shape = the original final shape from before the gardener's silliness, which we assume is the vex. the flower game as it should be.

the witness' final shape = no death, no life. no flower game at all.

the traveler is a terraformer

light = physical, dark = metaphysical, right?

the darkness is all about emotion, memory, dreams and nightmares. the traveler/light deals in tangible stuff. plants. a nice atmosphere. good soil. and... ghosts, which are completely sentient beings with emotions, fears and wants. which seems more like a darkness thing but it could be explained away as "life", kind of.

but! maybe they are from the darkness in some way. maybe they are from the river of souls as well and that's why the witness can speak through our ghost. they are one and the same. i mean, ghosts follow the traveler's will but they don't truly know WHY or WHAT the traveler wants. see hive ghosts. or our ghost having existential crisis about the traveler every other expansion.

also, they are called GHOSTS. maybe they are really ghosts, as in, souls from people who already died. who knows.

and yes i will talk about final fantasy xiv

so, ffxiv is my main game. its last expansion, endwalker, also concluded a ten year saga. said saga was also about darkness vs light. no, i'm not saying one copied the other (witch queen - aka where the witness was revealed - was released like 3 months after endwalker so one copying the other would be impossible) but even though they are very different games they are using similar tropes. as is tradition. see wow and the whole light vs shadow, life vs death, etc. so while i was watching the many videos summarizing the lore of destiny, i couldn't help but feel a sense of deja vu.

SPOILERS FOR ENDWALKER BELLOW. if you havent played ffxiv, i think it will still make some sense. probably. if you don't want spoilers you can jump to the next section.

the main antagonist of endwalker, final boss of the darkness vs light saga, is not the embodiment of darkness or light. it's the endsinger, an nihilistic empath. look at stuff she says in endwalker:

that they [other civilizations] would never be free of fear and sorrow, anger and despair - of loneliness - so long as they yet lived.

and:

there is no need to struggle in vain, for in nihility awaits salvation.

and more:

but even death, we learned, isn't truly the end. it is but a part of the cycle of rebirth.[…] true salvation lies not in dying. it lies in not being born.

and if we go back to the witness:

you promised them life… but deliver only death. as you have for so many before. enough. enough death. enough life.

which i believe to be the same sentiment: living is meaningless. even dying is not enough, because (if the witness really came from the river of souls) we are all connected anyway. we are still in the cycle/flower game.

here's more from the endsinger (spoken to the player):

come, let me relieve you of your burden. you have suffered enough.

and the witness, again (spoken to/about the traveler):

the universe makes us all victim… and perpetrator… of its infinite cruelty. you, more than any, suffer both fates. be free.

the endsinger and the witness are our salvation. they will relieve us from existing - from suffering, from being the plaything of fate and other people (ffxiv) and/or of higher forces (destiny). they will deliver us back into nothingness.

i could be bringing too much of ffxiv into destiny, of course, but the games follow a similar path re: light and dark. the warrior of light and the guardian both start serving the light because the light is good and darkness is evil (base games + first expansions). then we learn that the darkness is not necessarily evil at all (shadowbringers for ffxiv, beyond light for destiny) and that the light can be bad (also shadowbringers, then witch queen for destiny). i mean, the name of the expansion is shadowbringers and we use the darkness now in destiny. we can tap into both.

(these are common tropes! we could be following the same path!)

this all makes me believe that we might have a final showdown in destiny that will be a bit similar to the one in ffxiv. the endsinger was the downfall of her creators (the ancients). i believe the witness will be (or try to be) the downfall of its own creators as well (the winnower and the gardener and, of course, the flower game). the one thing that is different here is that the endsinger never used darkness in any way - she used dynamis, which is completely apart from dark or light. but the witness does use darkness. so idk. maybe this is all nonsense!! maybe im seeing ffxiv in everything!!

though i do like the idea of the end boss of the darkness and light saga not being the light or the darkness. it wasn't in ffxiv. maybe it wont be in destiny.

final considerations

there are problems. and thoughts.

if the witness isn't the first knife, where the hell is the first knife? or the winnower?

i mean, maybe the traveler is the gardener, maybe it is a servant of the gardener - it doesn't matter right now. for all intents and purposes it follows the gardener's vision. so where is the thing that serves the winnower's vision? why is it allowing the traveler to prance about willy-nilly?

it isn't, you say. the thing that serves the winnower's vision is the witness and this whole theory is wrong.

which could be true, fair enough. but! maybe the creation-will-be-the-downfall-of-creator trope is already in play here. maybe the witness ate the darkness (winnower) and now it wants to drink the light (isn't there a wall somewhere that says something like this? the drinking the light thing?)

for all i know the veil could be the first knife. a link between dark and light. a window into the memory of the universe. feels kind of like the traveler. yada yada. i'm spitballing here.

where has the witness gone? ive seen theories that maybe it went back in time to the garden. which i can see. maybe it wants to kill the traveler/gardener, go back to the garden and stop the flower game from ever existing.

which would mean that the traveler isn't gone or dead, it just... got eaten and is currently not existing in some weird way. who knows. we still have access to the light, right?

veil -> window into mind and memory of the universe -> river of souls connects all living and dead things aka the universe itself -> strand which comes from the river of souls is stronger near the veil -> the river of souls is the mind and memory of the universe, the veil is its window -> the witness comes from the river of souls and is now using its window to get a glimpse of a memory/mind of the universe -> which is the garden. idk!

if the ghosts come from the river of souls, how the traveler has access to it since its a darkness thing? hm

that's it, i guess. like i said, im a destiny noob so this might be all wrong. who knows!!! i should be working.

#destiny 2 #destiny #destiny lore #the witness #the traveler #the gardener #the winnower #idk what else to tag #destiny theory #very long im sorry #ffxiv #kind of #ren.txt

[smute]

Hiiieee omg hey hello yes hi 🥰 welcome to my tumper bog 🧌

no minors 🔞

will (soft-) block new followers if you have an empty blog / no age in ur bio / rancid vibes

my letterboxd 🍿

TAG GUIDE:

housekeeping:

#& = og posts and comments on rebogs

#ask = answered asks

#anon = anon asks

#my face = selfies and og pics 😎

#moochies = mutuals and things i was tagged in 💕

#tag game = tag games

#ask game = ask games

smut:

i stopped tagging #nsfw bc i was very inconsistent with it but i still use it as a blanket thing for hardcore stuff (which i dont rb very often).

update march '23: decided to start tagging #nudity again to make filtering easier for my followers. i'll use it for all kinds of naked people (full, partial, sexual, non-sexual, etc.) in addition to the existing community tags and my own thirst tags. let's see if i can keep it up 🥴 if you want to be on the safe side feel free to block individual tags as well:

#ah ohhh big honkin boobies some massive mmmmommy milkers huge hombers like massive gazongas just enormous milkin hooters = the prize-winning tiddy tag

#thirst tag

#just a hole etc

#full cocking balls = 🍆 and 🍒

#omg nobody look hes ass = butts 🍑

#ough veiny = veiny body parts

#ough hairy = hairy men

#hands = 👋

#slutty slutty stache = mustache pics 👨🏻

#sigh = gay kissies 💋

#tenderness = touch and skin and general physical intimacy

oh and i use "👁️👁️" in a few other horny tags so if you filter that too you should be good <3

general sfw things:

#adhd = adhd stuff

#fav = things i want to find again ❤️

#ref = useful information

#mecore = smutecore 🥺

#is he single = sfw thirst tag

#in many ways i am a large pickup truck = its true i am

#bopo = body image things, body positivity/neutrality

#always reblog = poasts i know ive reblogged a lot 🔄

#german stuff = german stuff 🇩🇪

#want and #shopping list = stuff i want, mostly earrings 🛒

text:

#poetry = poems

#words = words 📖

#note to self = kind motivational things/advice/general positivity ☀️

#lit = lit studies including all my hot takes 🤓

#ling = linguistics

#writing = writing 📝

visual:

#art = mostly paintings 🖼️

#photography = photography 📷

#portrait = portraits

#people = duh

#dudes chilling sexily = art of dudes chilling sexily (tm harsha)

#men with books = 3 guesses

#arch = architecture

#homes = interiors

#dream home = exteriors lmao

#donttouchme = remote hice 🏡

#they dont make them like this anymore = old books📕

#vestiture = clothes shoes bags jewelry etc

#10/10 would wear = also clothes 💃🏼

#embroidery = embroidery 🪡

nature:

#i miss the sea = water 🌊

#so liedownable = soft grass 🌱

#moistcore = gratifying wetness

#ah yes. the gnarled branch rough and twisted beckons you to dream = gnarled branches

#hills to roll down = rolldownable hills

#frühling = spring 🌷

#sommer = summer 🌞

#herbst = fall 🍁

#winter = ☃️

#i want snow = snow and ice ❄️

#strawbebbies my beloved = 🍓

#me i pet him wethands style = soft animals; mostly dogs

#our michael = old photos of cats 🐈

#ough dr puderzucker = corgis 🐶

#pasum = possum pics 🐾

#horse girl tag = irl hoarsies and rdr2 🐎

vibes:

#god i wish that were me = stuff i wish i could be

#i think that would fix me = things that would fix me

#lovecore = 💕🥰

#slutcore = self-explanatory 🖤

#snorkmimicore = oh so eepy 🥱

#on all levels except physical i am a smoker = smokers being hot and cool 🚬

#BANABA = 🍌

#ough = ough

#ough ough <3 = things that sometimes make me go ough ough <3

#100% ough ough <3 = things that always make me go ough ough <3

#wholesome = wholesome things 💖

places:

#i miss london = london 🇬🇧

#ough pawwis = paris 🇫🇷

#vedi napoli e poi muori & #italianpoasting = italy 🇮🇹

#island = iceland 🇮🇸 (and the faroe islands 🇫🇴)

#americana = norf america 🇨🇦🇺🇸🇲🇽

#fucking switzerland = 🇨🇭

#trains = trains 🚂

media:

#to watch = stuff i wanna watch 📺

#to read = book recs and articles 📚

#read later = reblogged without reading

#the lonely city my beloved = fantastic book

#penis wakt = twin peaks

#vincent van gogh = 🎨

#florence + the machine = fatm stuff

#music = songs

i also use a few common trigger and content warnings, but i'm the most consistent with things related to EDs, dieting, weight loss, and fatphobia

format: "[thing]" or "[thing] tw"/ "[thing] cw"

backups:

bluesky🦋

#ill try to keep this updated #not a complete list #obvi #mostly made this for myself #but feel free to block/filter whatever you need #& #tag guide

[breadfacednerd]

ive been thinking abt classpecting you. shittily. u give mage vibes, but honestly i think the space aspect is too shitty for this because really u dont have to be a space player if ur an artist..... i 100 percent know ur mage but im still deciding on aspect.

sincerely communism ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ (joking)

<- did not know this about space aspect

Mage would be baller…. A lot of people have been saying I could be void. I dunno.

I gotta do some actual research on this shit y’know.

The fun thing about classpects though is like. No one can tell you what to do. I could say I’m a like prince of rage or something and what are people gonna do??? Stop me????? (Not a prince of rage) classpecting is crazy like that

Also people on the internet can only know so much about you. Like I present so much more rambunctious online (especially as of late) in reality I’m such a shy loser??? Like girl (gender neutral) I got NO friends I get NO bitches. Had 1 boyfriend ever abd it was online and lasted 6 months. I’m obsessed with so many creative subjects, I can’t talk to people if we don’t share interests, I MET GOT WHILE HIGH. I’m not even a person I’m like a concept, I’m a freak, I’m a spoon in a blender. Y’know?

Maybe I’m just built different <3 but thank you this is very nice I like getting second opinions on classpects

#bad classpecting

[remcycl333]

Hiii, Peach here! So I was wondering what made you decide to actually make a blog and share your experience here on tumblr? I’m so grateful to have discovered you! But I’m also just really curious since loatumblr has gone through so much and so many people. What like, doesn’t make u afraid? Do you have a vision? What do you like to do on the daily? Love, Peach 🧡

hi Peach! 🤍 i actually made this blog in the very beginning of 2021. i made it for two different reasons. the first one was bc i wanted to be in a community where i could discuss and read about the law of assumption. the reddit community was...scary to say the least. i did not vibe there. when i discovered that there was an loa community on tumblr, i was rlly excited but i soon realized there were literally only four (4) !! accounts. all four of them are inactive now. they were the founding fathers (mothers) of the tumblr loa community. so i made my blog bc i wanted the community to grow!!

the other reason i made it was bc i wanted to track my progress and journey. im so happy that i did that bc sometimes i'll get a notification that someone liked a post of mine from over a year ago and i go to read it and it reminds me of stuff that rlly helped me in the past but i forgot about. its rlly fun!

there has been lots of drama in the community ever since it blew up and i think that was to be expected tbh. with a bunch of people of different backgrounds and personalities coming together it was to be expected there would be some clashing. i've managed to stay out of drama simply just by 1) being honest and not lying about any of my success stories and 2) minding my own business and being nice lol

my vision for this blog is just to share what works for me and try to help people. i have tried pretty much everything under the sun when it comes to manifesting and i found out what works for me and i like to share that. if people resonate with what i say then yay! but im never in any way saying u have to manifest like me or do the things i do in order to manifest cuz u dont! i just like giving people different options and techniques and affirmation styles to choose from!

as for what i do on the daily idk if u mean manifestation-wise or hobby-wise but assuming u mean hobby-wise i like to read, crochet/knit, and play the sims 4! im teaching myself how to make cc for the sims rn its been fun!! 🤍

#peach anon

[kabatakabita]

sent.

Dearest B,

It's been a hectic week in my life, I did not want to start a letter in this manner, but that's the only true life update I have had for a while now. As I was continuing my freestyle research, youtube switched to my personal gmail account, and it seems my algorithm is still mulling over your name which I have typed, more often than not, in the loneliest hours of the night. Your face floated on my screen lifting me from where I am seated, when I came back to my senses, I needed to write to you because meeting for now is a silly idea because I have built some sort of filter these days. I dont meet people unwaxed anymore, I come clean, ready with my defenses. And I fear that I might lose contact with you like I have lost with many people in moments as such whence the hinge of my life is broken. And as of now, talking to people is no medicine as is thinking of them. Having said that, I am contradicting the very thing by writing to you. And in my defense I'd like to say this is not me talking to you but giving you a thought of you as it comes which would be curdled if spoken out loud, with the filter of spoken communication. This, whatever it inspires in you is a fragment of silence that you inspire in me.  

However, even silences are conspiring, purposeful and strategic. But the inspiration for this letter is absolutely nothing, I have no agenda, I have nothing to state to you...yet I am writing, and what I need to write is unclear to me as is the need to write, and I certainly dont want to exploit your nature by putting out my woes or something profound which I usually do when I need attention because I have nothing as such. Just, here is me. 

My life is getting so ordinary that I am the "they" that the people talk about; so ordinary, so overlooked, and so in tune with other collective ordinary, that I have started watching crime patrol because profound movies that I once looked upto feel like mockery and also unnecessary. I like cheap entertainment like watching a bunch of dancers vibing to a wedding song they dont understand. That's my source of dope. I am the modern man in pursuit of happiness, I am that unit, the human that undergoes the experiments of political economy. I mean, I have surrendered to capitalism, and it's not as bad as it seemed to me a few years ago...infact I see worth in my work these days and I cant decide if its because I have to think this way to get myself to do something that I dont like or it is really that fulfilling, because the tax I pay gives me immense satisfaction and it subdues some sense of guilt in me. I have lost the capacity to think for myself. Only a year ago I was filled with ambitions and a fiery hunger to be a woman who could do it all. I never said no to anything that came my way. I wanted to work to shape the education system in nepal, I wanted to do law, I had things to wake up to even when I cried in despair every night. These days I sleep to be more efficient at work. In fact, I postpone the impact of certain things, store hurt not in the heart but on my upper back, or the left temple. I am strategic about the goodness I purport with colleagues, I think hard about ethics at work, I have become submissive. I laugh a little more with the chairman, work from home whenever possible, talk to old men stooping over the desktop  working so quietly that it feels like working with trees and talking is irrelevant. These men I share my space with, some see their daughters in me, some the women they would have loved to love, some despise me for my see through shirts that I slip in on fridays. And I see in them the father I never had. I wonder what they would be like as fathers. I love how this corner of old men in the office vibrates with laughter sometimes and wonder again if laughter could be as pervasive as explosions. because the shards of laughter cut through me somedays, they leave me wounded, and the wounded me is in the future. I have to grow old to see from where I bled.   And of love, I have been loving alone. My ego is a cotton candy. It disappears when my half lover kisses me even when I have spent all the evening deciding to leave him. The pink on his tongue is only what becomes of me every night. Even love, I love collectively. It's so generic that I love on behalf of all the people that need not love but to love. He hates how incompetent, how tolerant, how submissive i have become and that I dont have a goal in life. But when I kiss him, it feels like I have arrived somewhere. It is a silent milestone. There I rest for days. I am so ordinary that I am jealous when he takes the name of this new co-worker a little more than two times in a sentence. I feel like her name rinses my taste in his mouth, and her presence in any form dilutes mine. But it's not sad. None of this is sad. Just I contest nothing. I am so neutral about all this. But I am uncomfortable because I never wanted to be a stoic, and although it feels like a path towards stoicism, it sure is a path towards a permanent shift in my psyche. I dont know if its incompetence or wisdom or none. How are you?

Sending a hug,

nisha

[sachinotes]

10 Compliments I Would Give Myself

I love my taste in books, movies, anime, etc. I won't fucking trade it for anything else. What I enjoy reading and watching shows a lot about who I am. And it's usually garnered on what I also value in life. So even if it's cringey or basic for others, I love stories about relationships, community, creativity, and self development.

I take pride on writing my poems to not make them very easy to read or digest. I understand that poems don't have to be read to be deciphered. While I do want to convey my own emotions into my poems, I also want the readers to make their own conclusions when they read what I wrote. I don't necessarily have to write for myself. I want to also write for other people to gauge. I normally write poems that way, unless I had a really rough day and decided to write about that shitty feeling then it becomes more apparent that it's my perspective. Anyway, I don't think it's ridiculous to write poems that way. In fact, I think it's beautiful to have a bit of "hmmms" when you read a poem, you know. Make those brain cogs working.

I'm smart. I can be lazy and distracted and clumsy and uninformed, but I really am smart. I know my way out of my own problems most of the time. I complain about shit cause it's annoying.

I am self-sufficient. This is related to number 3. I rarely ask help from others because I try my damn hardest to find a way to make shit work for me. At the very least I would ask people what they think about stuff, but I still ultimately decide for myself. That's pretty girlboss of me, not even gonna downplay myself on that.

I am very caring towards friends. At this point I dont really know if it shows in the manner I speak with friends, but I intensely pay attention to their moods, health, and circumstances. Friends, to me, is not as simple as connections or people I vibe with or people I can rely on. Friends are people I've sworn myself to protect and support at all cost. That's why I'm selective and careful of who I consider as friend. I can't afford time and energy to do that for anybody.

I like to call myself a fast learner, although it's usually hit or miss. But on a good day, I am. I will also research on my own to do shit better than what is expected. My bosses should give me a raise, but then I also don't want attention. Sigh. What a pain.

I am quite confident these days. I feel proud of that. I can only thank my past self for hanging in there. You know what…

I am proud of the progress I made every year. I don't fundamentally change that much, but my tone does. I feel a lot calmer than years ago. And I learned many things that will stick by me as early as in my twenties. Damn, I was more resilient that I thought I could be. Or maybe I'm just a pushover.

I can accept criticism of output and performance fairly well. In fact I seek out negative feedback more than positive ones. I'm kinda weird like that when it comes to stuff I work on. Idk. I like that about me though.

Although I'm ambitious, I'm not arrogant about my status nor do I overestimate my capabilities. I hate hierarchies, but a system is necessary to avert disorder. And I'm glad that I haven't once succumbed to feeling smug about any of my accomplishments. It's good to feel happy about it, but not to rub it off on anybody's face. Like come on, dude.

#december challenge #day 22 #journaling #journal

[voyeuristicvixen]

Captains Log No.30__Waxing Gibbous

Lately Wav and I have been getting our foundations reset on the grid. We lost our settlements from before and decided to try something now and different this time around. Working and connecting with the Meroe team has been a dream! I honestly couldn’t have imagined that i’d actually get to work with the people that created such an amazing place. Ive not felt this excitement in my heart on SL since living in Commune Utopia back in the day.

They had a sweet little gathering for all the Meroe volunteers recently, it was so nice chatting about Pan African efforts and building on our individual experiences being in the diaspora. & dancing to my favorite afrobeat and amapiano music! Meroe really got the DJs that play that full diaspora music that you dont hear often on the grid! Its really amazing that we have made it this far as a collective and I am so excited about the next phase of the movement. I can feel the ancestors and freedom fighters before us smiling down and laughing because they never would have guessed the movement would continue in such a way, over the metaverse! But here we are!!

They offer housing for volunteers and its absolutelt stunning modern villa by the sea. Its our very own Wakanda and its like we are living on the outskirts of the  palace XD. I chill here while I write up scripts and practice for tour guiding in the near future! Its a long time coming but all in divine timing.

Bae and I have also been putting in work editing our music video commission we’ve been working on. This being the final leg has been so rewarding and we have been juiced up with creative spark. We have an assignment to make this video in the vibes of 90s rock video, and we went back over some big ones from back then like Nirvana, No Doubt, Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers and we noticed that the way we shot our video is literally spot on. Thats given us way more confidence the editing is going to take it to the next level. This will be our best work yet and it will only get better from here! We are learning how to flow with the editing aspect now that we’ve figured out our shooting styles. All I want is to be included, I think Wav gets it now. XD

The Beach at Jamrock City which is the sim Meroe is housed in, is so peaceful and just a dream. It reminds me of the histories about beach towns here in Cali that were owned and inhabited by Black people only. So many of our communities and villages were just burned to the ground, Jamrock city is bringing back the spirit of the lost black townships. I chill on the beach and do work there now. I dont know why but somehow logging into SL makes me motivated to finish RL work... its like making it into a game to finish tasks because im RPing it through Foxey. Just a random psychological observation. Cpme find meh at Jamrock beach: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Battersea%20Land/215/113/22

Of course I had to put up an altar for Jimi in our Meroe villa. Its such a cute space and Gigi lightly sprinkled it with furni already and allowed us like 100prims. We are super grateful and want to invite our SL friends to hang with us at Meroe now at our little space. I feel like this land should be one of those places that you just go and chill at because you know youll find like minded, open minded peaceful people there. The vision is manifesting!

Took bae to Bassline Junkies turntable, which is a really amazing stage that is actually a table in a music producers room thats full of weed. So basically you are standing on the  laptop and DJ decks but as a miniture. Its scaled like “honey I shrunk the kids” vibes. This was MFCyte, he really went off with the DNB vibes and I love the avi! I have been going to bassline since I first started on SL, its really amazing that after 11 years I can still come here and find the same vibes and share the experience with bae. I wont show the whole room because thats something you gotta look up and explore yourself! Its worth it! Bassline Massive Table Uber: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Clearwater%20Shores/41/87/1009

We also got our dream beach house in Fakrava, they added a whole other sim of more high end mansion like beach homes and we HAD to tap in... Especially because our girl Shayla hooked us up and built a custom home for us. We are so ready to entertain, next phase is inviting people over and spending more time! I think initially in SL there is a fear about talking to people because a lot of times they straight up dont respond or have some strange attitude about meeting new people. So you have to keep trying and allow your heart not to get hardened by those kind of interactions. The open and vulnerable are still around and thats why Im super grateful whenever I meet real down to Earth and easy-going people. Meroe is the spot where them vibes will converge. Inshallah!!

#secondlife #secondlifeblog #secondlifeblogger #ladyfoxeyhendrix #metaverse #secondlifedestination #secondlifeexplorer #meroemuseum #blackdiaspora #panafrican #secondlifephotography #secondlifemelanin #metaverselife

[indigo474]

8-6-22 Saturday- part i-

Sandra D works with me- she's older- been through hell. Spiritual. She has a witchy vibe. She's one of those people who once you get her talking she just will not stop. We walked out of work together. She asked me If i was dating a man with strong ties to Jersey yet. No not yet. I told her I let the boy from Jersey go.. he wasn't putting in the effort and i am worth the effort. I told her how the whole thing made ME feel a certain way-sad in a way. She said well that's on him- don't lower your vibe for some boy( he really was a boy in a mans body) She said April there is a man who has strong ties to New Jersey who is smart- you are smart- you need someone who is smart- I see you with this man. I asked her if she read tarot cards and she said she did but not lately as her vibe is off because she might have CANCER--she finds out Monday. she told me bits and pieces of her story and it doesnt sound good- she's a sweetheart and the thought of her suffering makes me sick to my stomach. God I hope she gets good news on Monday. She said i should hold my tarot cards to my heart and ask the universe for guidance and see what happens.. maybe i will..

Ive reached the point in my life where i have too many clothes but not enough- I need to do some organizing. I'm going to try and not buy anything- except shoes- which i really DO need- for the next season. I should have enough clothes to get me through- unless of course all my clothes become too big on me.. I always wondered how people could have so many clothes. When i lived on Chatham I had very few clothes. I dont have enough room for what i have and have to figure something out.

Ive decided for now not to reach out to Nicole. I found her message very off putting and immature. She made it about me- what i was or wasn't doing when in reality it was about her. Delusional maybe- I reached out to her- its not like she reached out to me and said hey i need help can you help me. there will always be space in my heart for her-always- but from a distance. Learn how to communicate without being manipulative. More I I I - less you- blaming me for what? as always- it is what it is.

[ppersonna]

super vulnerability post

hi everyone

maybe this is long overdue or maybe this is not a surprise by now or maybe its both. i dont really know what i want to accomplish with this post other than speak on to how im feeling lately and the state of my blog as it is.

i have been here on bts tumblr for a little over a year now, joining in the beginning of the pandemic for something to do after getting back into bts and wanting to try my hand at writing again. never in a million years would i think i would get to where i am now, with over 10k people following me on this blog. ive never been more thankful for every single one of you, and i hope i have given you as much joy in this blog that i have gained from you and from being here

but the tides have turned. the joy and happiness i used to feel in logging on have turned to absolute and utter panic. i log on to this site now completely steeled and ready for another wave of “drama” and with the rise of a fucking tea blog set on bullying members under the guise of exposing/calling out, i fear for whats going to happen next--who else is going to be hurt, who else is going to delete.

ill be honest, writing this post is fucking terrifying. ive gone back and forth over the last few weeks of if i wanted to write this, if i wanted to be open and vocal about how im feeling. i worried what sort of discussions id be inviting. but i truly cannot just sit by and be quiet. people are being hurt. there is no longer healthy discussions of exposing people or giving voice to those who have been hurt by “big names”. this has turned into a pile-on and pointing of fingers at people with almost NO REAL PROOF of things that have happened.

ive been here long enough that there are people who dont like me and people who i dont necessarily get along with either. and thats okay! we cant be besties with everyone even if we try. but EVEN the people who i don’t vibe with dont deserve this and i would never wish for them to get unwarranted anonymous harrassment. theres a HEALTHY difference in calling out or shifting conversations away from Misinformation and straight up fucking bullying. and i do not support that in any way shape or form, and would never wish that on even my worst enemies.

i guess where im leading to now is this... i don’t know where to go from here. nearly every minute i change my mind. i want to leave. i want to stay. i want to hide. i want to be loud. i want to exist on tumblr like i used to, enjoying the fandom for what it is and using it as my escape from my busy life, from a global pandemic, for a way to connect with people. and i have made SO many fucking friends here and i love them all more than i could put into words. but ive been hurt here so many times too, and it hurts me to watch the community fall apart at the hands of some anonymous blogger. i can’t decide if i want to delete this entire blog and its existence or stay out of spite. all i know is im hurting, im sad, and im fucking terrified of logging onto this space that once used to bring me joy.

maybe this is inviting some hate. maybe this is inviting me to be a target. maybe, and that’s something i’ll have to accept. i’ve not been perfect on this site but i have always tried my best to be authentic and to take accountability when i’ve done something wrong. 

i truly am terrified to post this. even now as i type, i am imagining things being taken completely off the rails. but i wanted to be open and honest. i wanted to be vulnerable for you.

i love you all very much and appreciate the support ive been given thus far.

#whew this is long and i may be crying lol

[doodledrawsthings]

Huh that's really surprising :0 (the not going to art college) If you dont mind telling how you got to your position? Did you go to a specific art highschool or were you just lucky enough to go to a public highschool fairly connected to the industry?

Ok so, gonna let ya in on a lil secret:

You don’t need to go to art school to be a storyboard artist.

It works for some people, not gonna knock it for those who do wanna go or are planning on it! There’s a lot of benefits to art school! Especially to those who didn’t have the resources that I had access to growing up. It’s just that... it’s not for EVERYONE and it wasn’t something for me, especially since I couldn’t afford it and going through the programs to re-do all the stuff I already know before I got to the fun stuff just.. wasn’t my vibe, either.

Art school is a good place to learn the skills you need and make connections, as well, but your don’t really NEED the degree. In fact a good number of CalArts students don’t even finish CalArts, they get picked up for a job and drop out. When I got outta high school, I did two years of community collage before I hunkered down and decided “maybe I’ll apply to CN Storyboard Academy! Dunno if I’ll get it but might as well shoot my shot!” And then I got in, and now I’m here.

Except it’s not that simple, either. I didn’t just do community college for two years and then suddenly get picked up outta nowhere for no reaso, I worked Really hard, on improving my art and building a proper portfolio throughout that time. I took figure drawing classes, I frequently checked in with teachers, friends, peers, etc. for critique to make sure everything looked good and to figure out what I needed to improve on. I hyperfixated on STARKID for a short while and managed to pump out some decent animatics to use, and that’s not counting everything I did and learned in my high school animation class (which, yes, was a public highschool that very luckily happened to have an amazing and dedicated animation class. It’s where I made my short film, UFO. But at the same time, being in that program was not specifically what got me in, it’s in my resume, of course, and It provided me with the knowledge I needed to help me flourish as an artist and as a person, but I still needed the hard work to back it up.) As an artist, specifically a storyboard artist, making sure your portfolio shows off your skills and voice is the best thing you can do. Do film study, do figure drawing, step outta your comfort zone and make sure your portfolio reflects you and your best work. (And also that you’re specifically giving examples related to the field you wanna go in. For storyboard artist: anything having to do with sequential arts is your best bet. Meaning comics, storyboards, thumbnails, animatics, etc.)

And then APPLY EVERYWHERE. Even if you don’t know if you’ll get it. Just apply to it anyway. Whether you get it or not, people are gonna see it, and if you put you best work forward in your portfolio, they’ll notice. I see so many talented people who don’t apply for things cuz they don’t feel confident in their work. Just do it, all artists think their own work sucks, for some reason, even i feel that way all the time despite knowing all the work I put into getting to where I am today. Your work doesn’t suck, it’s just that all artists are diagnosed with imposter syndrome. If you don’t get it this time, you can apply again, and you never know if you’ll get it or not. Hell, I did NOT think I was gonna be accepted for CNS academy. And then I was, so... you seriously never know. Also make a LinkedIn Account, follow active animation people on social media, keep up with the industry, it’ll help you network and be in the know.

#mak rambles #long post