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apprenticestanheight · 3 months

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All is Well That Ends Well: Lawrence Gordon x gn! afab! reader: Part I

Allllllll right!! The long awaited sugar daddy lawrence fic is here!! Well, the first part is, but anyway--sugar daddy anon, if you're reading this, thank you so much for planting the seeds of an idea in my head. I wrote the entirety of the first section of this fic across four days and have plenty more to write still, but truthfully none of this would've occurred had you not popped an ask into my inbox.

There are six parts for this section and in total, before editing, it amounted to 18k words and 38 pages on MS Word. I can't say exactly how many words the fic will amount to in total, but I can say that, if it goes as I expect, the fic will definitely climb past the 40-50k word mark and might even hit and then climb over 100k words. Updates will be posted weekly on thursdays and typically at or around the same time!

Fic type - this first part is pretty neutral--fluffy-neutral mostly.

Warnings - the reader is passively suicidal (the fic is set in 2002 initally and throwaway jokes of that were common. Plus, I wrote this while in the midst of an exhaustion enduced brain fog and it's just one throwaway line, which Lawrence does react at them for) and there are a few mentions of debt, plus a mention or two of Jiggysaw himself, john kramer (not by name--as the Jigsaw killer)

You’d always known that you wanted to get a PhD. To you, a doctorate had been the endgame of your education—first, a bachelors and a masters at your university of choice, and then a PhD as the endgame.

The one thing that you’d underestimated—as most high school seniors do—was how much it’d cost you.

For the full four years of your bachelors, what you’d gotten from relatives and the small—$50,000—nest egg given to you by your parents had been completely depleted. Even after the grants and scholarships you’d applied for, you were still $20,000 in debt and that wasn’t even the beginning of it. At the end of things, you took out loans and proceeded with your plan for your masters degree.

You’d gotten your Masters degree when you were 26 and thereafter, after nearly a decade of living at a crappy apartment near the university campus with one of your favorite people in the entirety of the continent, you still went ahead and decided to get yourself a PhD in creative writing. It was a six year program but you’d told yourself it would be worth your while, so you went ahead with it.

All in all, it was a plan to devote fourteen years at minimum to your education, and you’d yet to have any regrets in relation to it because it seemed to be panning out in a way better than you'd expected.

And, anyway, by 2002, you were halfway through your fourth year of the six years you owed to the PhD program and hoping that the degree would take you somewhere useful. It was also your birthday by that point, and you were looking to go to a dive bar, get drunk, meet someone and then do a couple of drunken things you’d both regret the next morning.

You’d decided to celebrate your thirtieth birthday in a dive bar you couldn’t really afford normally, but making the minimum payments on your student loans had allowed you to A, be spiteful because getting an education realistically shouldn’t be expected to toss the average persons bank account into the negatives, and B, have a bit of extra money every paycheck.

You’d also decided to spend the birthday mostly alone—sure, to any extrovert within a twenty mile radius it was a pathetic way to spend the day, but to you it was optimal, especially considering that you’d spent the bigger part of the day with a couple of friends studying as it were—and that seems to have panned out in your favor until a guy sits to your right at the bar counter.

“Are you spending the night alone?” An unfamiliar voice pipes up. You look to the source of it, turning your head to the right and finding a rather attractive man sat next to you. “With that Jigsaw killer on the loose? Not a smart idea.”

He’s handsome—his attractiveness is the first thing you notice. He’s got well groomed blonde hair, full lips, alluring eyes that are the color of the sea after a storm, and a voice that feels to you like whatever goodness can come from walking with combat boots over cobblestoned streets.

He’s well kept, too—he’s wearing a pair of black dress pants, a white button up and a blue tie. His cufflinks radiate wealth, as does his drink of choice. A scotch on the rocks that looks like it’s aged and aged well.

You scoff. “What, are you him? Do you know the guy?” A smirk plays at your lips. “I happen to be in severe debt and lacking a will to keep going, so if you do, I’d appreciate a referral.”

The man to your right scoffs. “You’d fail the test intentionally, and those jokes aren't funny.”

You shrug. “I am more than a hundred thousand dollars in debt in the name of my education. I am apt to think that wanting for death to avoid the loan sharks that call me a few times every month to try to get me to pay more than the minimum required on said debt is not totally unreasonable.”

The man laughs. “I would never go to such lengths, but the grants that you can get from the government for the endurance of traumatic experiences might help you in the debt department,” he says. “However—a Jigsaw trap is not how to get that money. It's a lot more painful than it's worth, and sometimes the reasons he tests his subjects for are kind of cruel, so trust me, it’s not worth it. What education has put you into so much debt?”

“A Bachelors in Fine Arts, a Masters in Fine Arts, and I am currently four years into a six year PhD program. The endgame with that is to get myself a PhD in Creative Writing and move on to either working as a literary critic or in a publishing house.”

“Interesting,” he nods. He extends a hand, and you shake it. “My name is Dr. Lawrence Gordon.”

“Y/N,” you grin at him. “Doctor, you said? What kind of doctor are you?”

“I’m an oncologist,” he says. “Board certified attending oncologist at Angels of Mercy, matter of fact. I give people the bad news, typically. What do you do, outside of schooling?”

“I work for about twelve dollars above minimum wage in a mom and pop style bookstore. I read and drink coffee on my breaks and study for my degree when I’m not with friends or at work, or in a bar to celebrate my thirtieth birthday with a martini that puts me out eight dollars.”

At this, the handsome man whom you’ve learned more about than you’d ordinarily have liked across the span of ten minutes at best puts his card forward and opens a tab, adds your martini to it with a cocky, flirtatious grin.

“You’re confident,” you murmur.

He shrugs. “I was in a loveless marriage for nearly two decades,” he says. “The divorce proceedings started in the middle of September, and my therapist says I need to get out there a bit. Figured keeping someone in the process of getting their PhD from having to pay for a drink was at least a plausible way to start.”

“I’m not looking for anything serious,” you laugh, taking a sip of your martini. “I joked with my best friend—Aurelie Summers—that I’d be fine to be someones sugar baby the other day. Commitment is the last thing on my mind right now.”

“Paying off loans of past, present, and future seems to be,” Lawrence notes. “But—for the record, neither am I. My last serious relationship became loveless and ended in a mostly amicable divorce where I lost custody of my kid. You’re attractive, absolutely, but I have no interest in anything serious if it’ll end exactly as the last one did.”

“Is that…emotional baggage I sense?” You ask, teasing flirtatiousness making it’s way into your tone. “If you’d lead with that, I would’ve paid a lot more attention to you initially, Lawrence.”

Lawrence scoffs. “You like those in need of fixing?”

“Not particularly,” you say. “They tend to like me, is all.”

“You draw broken people in, you fix them, and then they get to be better for the next person,” Lawrence nods to himself. “That is what you’re telling me, correct?”

You shrug, toss him a grin and sip your martini mockingly.

“Wish I’d get one of the ones who’d been fixed every once in a bit,” you laugh. It sounds depressing.

“For the record—it’s not emotional baggage. It’s a divorce that I saw coming, the timing is just poor.”

“Did you fail to get a promotion at work and then come home to divorce papers?” You ask, thoroughly amused by the idea.

“The Jigsaw killer trapped me and I was served the papers while I was recovering from a self-amputation, but thank you for the amusing hypothesis,” Lawrence says, a grin turning up the corners of his lips. “This has been a very interesting conversation.”

You grin. “Thank you for finding me interesting. Also for the drink.”

Lawrence nods, gets the bartenders attention and orders you two more before he closes out the tab he’d gotten.

“Whether or not I see you again, happy birthday, Y/N,” he says as he stands. It's at this point that you notice a cane in his hand, the grip he holds on it relaxed but still tight enough to maintain control.

“Whether or not I see you again, thank you,” you nod. “If I do see you again though, I’m gonna want specifics about your job. Seems interesting, and as much as I love the process that it has become to get the fullest extent of my education, I wouldn’t hate going an hour or two every now and again without hearing or thinking of writing or art.”

“And if you know anything about art history or writing, that is what I’m interested in,” Lawrence says, a smirk playing it’s way onto his gorgeous lips. “It’d be nice, getting to leave work and then focus on something that’s not medicinal.”

And then he’s gone.

You watch him walk out, spend the next fifteen minutes drinking the martinis he’d gotten you while rejecting the advances of a guy who is a lot more interested in you than you are him. When you’ve finished up with your drinks you walk home, some very small part of you holding onto the hope that you’ll see Lawrence again before the month is up.

#lawrence gordon #lawrence gordon x reader #saw 2004

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years

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Anakin and the Jedi Babies: Where There’s a Whill, There’s a Windu

Context: original post, chrono

(Summary of the AU: Disaster lineage got tossed back in time. Anakin stayed 21-ish, but Obi-Wan and Ahsoka got deaged, took new names for time-travel reasons (Ylliben and Sokanth, or Ben and Soka) and have been officially adopted by Anakin.)

----------------------

“You’re attached.”

“You’re just now noticing?”

Master Windu eyes him for a few long moments, and then joins him on the ground. Anakin can’t help but smirk. There’s something gratifying about having respect from the man, in this life.

“The other members of the council are concerned.”

“And you aren’t?”

“I am, but for other reasons,” Windu says.

Anakin doesn’t meet his eyes, doesn’t even respond for a long minute. He just looks out over the Room of a Thousand Fountains, spread out below them like hundreds of jungles pieced together in a jigsaw of flora. It’s been his favorite room in the Temple since he was a child, and it’s always overwhelming.

“Most of them have accepted that you adopted them because of Mandalorian customs, and that you stayed where you were due to the will of the Force,” Windu continues. “But they are… uncomfortable with how blatantly your attachments show.”

“Mandalorians are loud and refuse shame. It rubbed off.”

“You said you would kill for these children.”

“I’m their father. That’s kind of expected.”

Windu’s expression is tired. A little tired of stress, but mostly tired of Anakin’s shit. “You know what I’m trying to get at.”

“Do I?”

“Skywalker.”

“No, I’m serious. I need you to spell this out. I’ve had a million slightly-contradicting lectures on this topic, and I’ve been told pretty clearly that I misinterpreted a solid half of them. If you want a constructive conversation, you can’t be vague. I’m thirty-three years old and a father of two, Master Windu, so yes, I’m attached. What you mean by that word is going to change where this conversation goes.”

It’s gratifying to see the Master actually think it over.

“Ylliben’s tattoos have been causing the most recent stir,” Windu finally says. “They nearly all relate to family, whether new or old, and the symbolism is concerning to those who are already upset about the Mandalorian upbringing. They worry that he’ll remain too tied to people he grew up with, and unable to maintain neutrality in future diplomatic ventures, or at risk of a fall if one of the people he’s seen fit to memorialize is injured or killed. The assume a similar state of mind may be applicable to your daughter and yourself, especially given the off-color jokes about how possessive your children are about each other.”

“They’re worried about emotional immaturity,” Anakin summarizes. He offers a wan, unimpressed grin. “They do realize he’s fourteen, right? Nobody’s emotionally stable at fourteen. The hormones are out of whack.”

“I’m aware,” Windu grinds out. “And I’m aware that your histories, of war and all such things, make your ties much stronger, but you can see why the Council worries, especially those who are wary of the memories your children carry but won’t explain. I’m the only one you’ve told, Skywalker.”

“Plo and Depa know.”

“Plo and Depa aren’t on the council.”

“Yet.”

“Skywalker.”

He relents. “It’s not about Mandalore, Master Windu. It’s about Tatooine.”

Windu lets that sit for a few moments, and then sighs. “I don’t know enough about Tatooine to parse that.”

“Shmi and I are former slaves,” Anakin says, as bluntly as he can. “I was freed at nine, she at eleven, and for all that we are free, we’re not freeborn. We were born slaves, and raised slaves, and we were freed too late to forget that life. The way we think is always going to be affected by the way we grew up. That applies to all sentients, more or less, but it’s… the slave mentality is completely at odds with Jedi teachings, because Jedi teachings can only be taught in a safe environment.”

Windu nods slowly, and says, “That does make sense, but it’s… forgive me, but that’s why we don’t normally take children older than four.”

“From the perspective of teaching cultural values, that makes sense,” Anakin allows. “Teaching a Jedi child that’s cared for with communal resources that they do not need material things to be happy is fine; trying to convince a slave child of the same, someone who grew up being told they do not deserve material things, and that their owner can take anything at any time, including family? I lived that life, trying to adjust to ascetic Jedi values that coincided poorly with slave rules. I know exactly how poorly that transition can go when the person caring for the child doesn’t know how to handle the points of conflict.”

“Do you regret joining the Jedi?” Windu asks.

Anakin shakes his head. “My Jedi master, bless him, cared, and tried very hard, but he wasn’t ready to handle a kid like me and in hindsight, I know that. He needed grief counseling, and I needed therapy, and neither of us was getting it. I don’t… I don’t believe anyone in the Temple would have known how to handle a kid like me.”

“But you don’t regret it.”

“I was meant to be a Jedi,” Anakin says, as firmly as he can without getting unnecessarily bitchy about it. “My struggles with the Code aside, I was meant to be here. But the Temple doesn’t have any resources for children who come older, and I think… I think you do need that.”

“You just outlined why a child can’t follow the Code if they come from a different enough background,” Windu says.

Anakin shakes his head. “No, that’s not—I think a kid like me can learn to be a Jedi, if a little unconventional, if they’re taught correctly. The desperation to cling to anyone and anything you have can be unlearned. It takes time and effort, but it’s possible. Soka and Ben are good at balancing Tatooine care with Jedi control. If you talk to Ben, you get an entire philosophical breakdown about it, but I’m more concerned with the child psychology, because that’s what could have broken me.”

Windu frowns. “You’re building up to something.”

“I think the Jedi need programs for children found older who can’t become full Jedi,” Anakin asserts. “Even those who cannot reconcile what they absorbed growing up with the Code and Jedi tradition… they, we, need guidance. The Council tried to reject me for being too old, and now that I’m grown I understand why, but… Master Windu, what do you think would have happened to me if I hadn’t had my Master to fight for me, and had been turned away?”

“We’d have looked into placing you back with your mother and, upon finding out that she was still enslaved, secured her freedom,” Master Windu says. “Qui-Gon Jinn had taken responsibility for you, and thus you were a ward of the Temple until such a time as you were safe again. It would have been cruel to keep you from your mother if we were not to raise you a Jedi, and crueler still to allow you to return to slavery.”

“And you think I’d have been safe with her?” Anakin asks. He needs Master Windu to understand this. “You think that would have ended well?”

“You don’t?”

“Ventress,” Anakin says. “Maul. Aurra Sing, even.”

Windu considers that. He looks across the grand, green room of the garden, and finally speaks. “You think you’d have been found and corrupted by a Sith.”

“I’d already helped Naboo win a battle. I was a powerful child with no support system in this respect, eager to please,” Anakin says. “Ventress and Maul both got twisted into Sith Apprentices. Aurra Sing was just a bounty hunter, but… even if the Jedi had never found me, and the Sith remained unaware, do you think I’d have ended up better than Sing? Or would the pressures of slavery have led to my Fall anyway, eventually slaughtering my owner, the Hutts, the entire system of Tatooine’s hells?”

Windu rubs a hand over his forehead. “I understand what you’re getting at.”

“It’s not just me,” Anakin says, as carefully as he can. “Even without the Sith, there are plenty of Force-Sensitive children in terrible situations that are liable to Fall just because of how power is wielded by those at the bottom. Refusing to take on students who are already at risk… the Jedi are meant to monitor Force users to prevent Sith and other dark-aligned people from harming the galaxy. It’s one of our primary duties. If the Jedi are allowing darksiders to rise just because of an age limit…”

“I get it,” Windu says, just a little aggressive. “I understand. Give me a minute.”

Anakin tries to wait. He’s older now, he can do that. He can be patient.

He tries to convince himself that it’s true.

“You have a point,” Master Windu finally allows. “And with the knowledge that the Sith are out there, still, it’s a more salient point than most would think. The EduCorps already has a subdivision for teaching meditative techniques to low-level force users who need to learn shielding but aren’t sensitive enough to be Jedi, or are just too old, but I see your point about encouraging a program for powerful Force-Sensitives that aren’t discovered early enough to integrate into the community in full.”

“And a more comprehensive Search pattern for the Outer Rim?” Anakin suggests. He shrugs at the look he gets. “What? You’ve seen my midicount. I was on Tatooine for almost a decade, and the only reason anyone found me was that Qui-Gon had to crash a ship in the middle of nowhere. I’m sure the Force led him to me, given all the coincidences, but that’s still a solid nine years that nobody did, despite how I apparently ‘shine like the sun’ or whatever.”

“Humble.”

“The last time I took a midichlorian test on a portable counter, it literally broke the device. That’s not arrogance, that’s just absurd.”

Windu looks exhausted by the comment. Anakin can’t bring himself to feel too bad about it.

“What about Jedha?” Anakin suggests instead. “Jedi find the kids, but if they’re too old to be Jedi, we could coordinate with one of the temples at Jedha to see about having them raised in the traditions of the Whills? They’re a little less orthodox, aren’t they?”

“In some respects,” Master Windu says. “More constrained in others, but… it’s a possibility. Most of the overlooked children, yourself included, are from parts of the Outer Rim that aren’t part of the Republic, Skywalker.”

Anakin shrugs. “And many of them would have been happy to be found and collected by a Jedi, even if they couldn’t become Jedi. Not the Dathomiri, since they’ve got their own thing going on, but… from what I know about Ventress, she actually did have a Jedi Master before the situation on Rattatak became… what’s the word… untenable? He died and she was left alone, and she’d been a slave already and it just… did not end well for her. But that was a planet overrun by pirates and warlords, and would have been approved as a planet the Jedi could help without it being a weird colonialism thing… if the Senate weren’t made up of cheapskates, at least.”

“Skywalker.”

“My name isn’t actually a reprimand, you know.”

“You’re not supposed to just say that,” Windu groans, running a hand over his face. “The Senate’s choice in funding is not optimal, but insulting them in that way, even in private—”

“They’re assholes,” Anakin says, and doesn’t let his humor show. “Except my late wife, but she’s not part of the Senate in this time, so I feel no shame in accusing the entire shitshow of being cheapskates.”

Windu looks about ready to push him off the ledge.

“You’re never allowed to go on diplomatic missions, are you?” Windu mutters.

“Unless it’s to Mandalore,” Anakin clarifies. “Also, never send me to Tatooine. Ever. Please. I kriffing hate that planet.”

“I’m going to assume you have plans to kill a Hutt if we ever send you to—”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Windu sighs. “I’ll discuss this with the Council, see how they feel about reaching out to Jedha for your suggestion regarding the Whills.”

“And you’ll tell them not to worry about my kids?”

“Skywalker, they are never going to stop worrying about your family,” Windu tells him.

“That’s fair.”

#Anakin Skywalker #Mace Windu #Obi Wan Kenobi #time travel #de aging #Jedha #Jedi #Phoenix Posts #Anakin and the Jedi Babies

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wouldbebrit777 · 2 years

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“Anyway, if you stop tellin’ people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive.”

In the grand scheme of things the idea of good and evil, of angels and demons, has always been at the core of many worldviews, mostly by the especially daft ones. One side was the definitive good and all the other rest could then easily be sweeped under the carpet as something unworthy without having to give that another thought.

But what if the world itself is at the core of life and not some arbitrary definition of eternal heaven or unending damnation? What if even an angel and a demon form an amicable bond because all of their other ‘colleagues’ are too busy bashing each other's heads in? Because this world is far too damn good to just be eradicated in an afternoon’s apocalipse. This is the question that Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett have given us to think about with their inimitable novel “Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch”

There are many ways in wich this book is something quite special, one of wich is its sortiment of characters on whom the focus of the narration is laid upon. Because in this case we are not simply dealing with one or two main characters, but much rather 5 or 6, who each have their own important contributions to the plot. This adds a great deal of variety to the overall narration, but can at times be confusing to keep track on. But this diversity is absolutely necessary as we will explain later on. Even at a first glance the cast of this novel is impressive, as there are: an angel (yes he is as nice as you would imagine), a demon (yes he is as sassy as you would imagine), a witch, a corresponding witch hunter, the occasional confused young man who does not exactly know his place in world, and a gang of young kids whose leader may or may not bring about armageddon.

With all of these characters existing in one story and with each of those having an individual plot, the narration overall is of course very branched out. At first it may seem that these different occurrences happening in quick succession to different places are completely separate from each other. But as the book progresses all the jigsaw pieces begin to fall into place and an extremely multifaceted story begins to unfold. We can only advise the readers to have patience with this work and not to judge it too quickly.

Apart from the aforementioned, “Good Omens” also charms the reader with its ingenious writing style and witty humor. Although, when coming up to the final chapters, it sometimes seemed to us as if the text was only pun after pun after pun, wich quickly became repetitive, though this may not be the case for other readers.

But all in all, this is mostly a book about life, death and living in general. Searching for philosophical help? Desperate to find your place in life? A huge fan of the band Queen? Ready for several bible- and hell-related jokes? Then this is the book for you.

Summary

+ wide and interesting character cast

+ well told intertwined story

+ great abundance of themes

+ well written and full of humour

- constant changes of focus can be confusing

- repetitive joking at the end

#good omens #books #book blog #literature #reading #inkveilherald #crowley #aziraphale #neil gaiman #terry pratchett #vampire #demon #angel

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flow-green · 3 years

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Crafted earrings, cooked and danced around the room

I should write more often already because this way I get my fingers all nicely warmed up. Can’t complain though, I cannot remember when Estonia had this crispy cold winters with huge snowpiles up to your bellybutton. At least inside it is so nice to be mesmerized by the rising sun rays over sparkling snow fields, all while curled up under a blanket with a hot cup of coffee. Not really into spending more than half an hour outside with this cold, as my skii trousers have mysteriously disappeared after not needing them for years.

After those coffee and meditation mornings I have a whole hour to enjoy online fitness classes held by all of my favourite trainers. So thankful they have released online platform. Yes, Youtube channels for work outs are good, but they cannot even comprehend with community and people I have worked out with for years.

Oh, I love Fridays. Mostly because, of course, it marks the end of the workweek and all the stress load on my shoulder gets a decent relief. The end of last year started to go crucially out of hands regarding to work hours. I believed I am extra productive and a good asset for the company with my over-hours after 6 PM, and weekends when I assisted translators with their issues, replied to clients’ and colleagues’ e-mails; I started my workdays right after waking up at 7 AM. I felt so proud. That until I got a note that I have spent shorter AFK periods in our office communication platform and I should work more harder, and that I have to stay available all the time. I awarded myself with a few longer and frequent stretching moments away from keyboards so I wouldn’t completely lose my mind. That comment made me realize that my over-hours benefited no one and they will be left unnoticed. So from this moment on I stayed strictly in my official office hours. And it has paid off at maximum. I am more productive and motivated, more enthusiastic. At the end of the year the times were extremely busy and I was overflown with work, burning out was only a stretch away, but following the working hours and taking mandatory lunch breaks every day made it all synchronize and it went so well. I have learned the hard way that personal time and work time have to be separated. My days were starting to mix into a blurry mess. Even Fridays were nothing special for me as I knew I will work on weekends anyway. Needless to say it all started to negatively affect my personal life and escalated in nasty fights.

Now that I have strictly separated my work and personal time, I feel so-o-o good. Fridays are once again one of my favourite days in week and the entire workday flows with a positive vibe. Today is no exception. I am so ready for the weekend!

This week was overally satisfying as the corona restrictions are being eased bit by bit. For example, gyms and fitness classes are again back in business. This means that finally I can get back to one of my primary passions, instructing BodyBalance classes. Every Tuesday and Wednesday I have my BodyBalance classes, Wednesdays being my favourite as then, I have my favourite people in front of me and I realized this week, how much I missed it. I have always thought that I am quite good at coaching, but this Wednesday I got an ultimate compliment that as soon as I step into instructor role, I transform completely into someone else: I glow, am confident, cheerful. This side of me can rarely be seen in other moments. I guess this shows that working as a trainer is an ultimate passion. Sad though that I cannot spread it wider. I try of course. Before initial corona crisis I was almost through the door to Estonia’s biggest fitness club MyFitness. Anyway, this compliment sparked such an inspiring fire in me that I think I performed my best class ever. The energy I get from these hours are crucially needed. For several evenings now I have silly-danced through our rooms, singing loudly to all the pop songs I hear; made silly jokes. And just laughed and laughed. I cannot remember when was the last time I laughed truly from the bottom of my heart so that tears were in my eyes.

One of my goals for this year was picking up a new hobby. For my surprise, I started to follow this goal so early in this year. I got invited to join a workshop for crafting earrings from clay. I am not that artsy and crafty, with a small exception of drawing, in which I am still a complete newbie. Usually I am always excited when an opportunity like this presents itself, but when the actual time comes to show up, I bail. Not this time, I told myself and went for it. Working with clay was a totally unfamiliar area for me, except that one time when I made a really weird looking coffee mug in one of the clay workshops. God forbid I ever show this to anyone...

Anyway, the workshop was the bomb! There were 20 people, most of them already quite experience with clay crafting. I felt really self-aware and awkward but when I got my hands on the first small piece of multicolour clay which I soon crafted into two tiny hearts, I felt so calm. It was like an art therapy. Two hours later I waltzed out with 3 pairs of earrings in my hand. Those butterfly wings came out silly-looking as if the poor butterfly were mauled by a cat or something. But I got an excitement to actually pick it up myself, so I should buy some colour clay, moulds and decorations. Look at me, being all spiritual artsy self-developer ‘n stuff

As it’s Friday, I stepped onto the scale this morning. A decent 500g drop in weight, which made me feel quite neutral, and thus I continued my morning without thinking about it. I am not sure where this complete peace with my weight came, so suddenly, but I feel so free. True, few times a week these demons still haunt me, especially when That Time of the Month is lurking nearby and even a slice of cucumber makes me feel I am fat, but I understand almost instantly that this is just a silly evil entity in my brain, trying to stab me with its knives. This does not make me feel any pain anymore, rather just an annoying poke which I forget almost instantly. There is so much more than that in life, not related to the random number on my scale. I feel strong and more confident than I have felt in years. I am so grateful that I am not a lonely slave to mind anymore, that I have someone I can rely on, that I have a roof over my head, seriously fulfilling healthy foods on my table and a stable working opportunity that does not seem to shrink in its scope anytime soon. Everything else is an additional bonus and my gut is telling me things will get even better.

Ah, right, one of the highlights of this week was me finally getting my long-missed new running steeds: Nike Air Pegasus Shield 37. The only running shoe model which makes me feel like I run on clouds and makes the running even in the craziest monsoons feel like a stroll in the park no matter the temperature outside. I have not yet tested them out yet though, as the roads are insanely slippery and Coach Bennet from NRC is stressing out the strict rule not to run on ice. Thus, I have taken some off-time from running and instead continuing the oh-so amazing workouts from Netfit. Old version of me would have probably drowned in the pool of tears from regrets of not running, but current me doesn’t let it bring me down. I am so active with other things and this is more than enough. Who knows, perhaps the longer break from running actually brings back the long-lost passion for it and kick-starts the activity with a fresh energy.

Now, about food. The second week is almost over filled with foods that I used to fear and now make me happy instead. My morning indulgent is a breakfast with overnight oats that I have tuned up to taste as delicious as ever. Yesterday lunch I got a sudden craving for fresh berry smoothie so I think I made the best smoothie ever out of strawberries, bananas, cinnamon and ginger. The ratio was so on point. Smoothie was also one of my fear foods: is liquid, filled with carb-y calories and will not fill me up. Boy, what was wrong with me?

Yesterday I made another slow-cooker crockpot stew which has become a hero of dinners. I think my newly-discovered passion for cooking has made me test out flavours more confident and thus, this time the stew came out so good I ate Once again I’d like to say how good I physically feel. After a hearty dinner with belly nicely full, I do feel random panic shivers that I probably just gained 4 kg and everyone can see my belly twice the size it was 30 minutes ago, but this idiotic thinking disappears surprisingly fast. Most of the time I feel that my body is happy, I have energy for the entire day from 7 AM I tip my toes onto the floor and until 11 PM when my head finally touches the pillow. Before, I had these eating-triggered depression exhaustions, when I just wanted to sleep off every lunch break, but no, this wasn’t an option so instead, I forced myself into running and I came back, feeling even more exhausted an unhappy.

Netfit workouts in the mornings are like a nectar to my soul. I cannot remember when was the last time I truly ENJOYED my morning work-outs when I did not remind myself every second of it that I NEED to push myself to maximum because yesterday’s dinner calories must be destroyed. It’s amazing how much can your mind-set change the quality of your life.

I have a secret fear that this happiness will be a short-term break. I have had these good periods in the past as well and after a few weeks I am back in my old black corner, but I don’t know... this time I honestly feel that perhaps this here now is permanent and what if the jigsaw pieces are finally starting to come together...

Today, I actually wanted to post my 100 goals for the year. I guess next time then. Don’t want to crash Tumblr in one go.

#ed #eating disoder recovery #ed recovery #weekly #week #self love #self care #blog #food #mindset #peace #calm #My Story

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sleepinglightt · 6 years

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1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My boy toy  2. Are you outgoing or shy?I’m outgoing with most people, I’m only shy around people I️ think are cute  3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My dad!! I️ get to see him on Christmas break :)) 4. Are you easy to get along with?I️ think so? I’m really nice to pretty much everyone unless you’ve fucked me over or you’re not nice to me 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Yeah  6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Taking gender out of the equation, I’m attracted to people that have kind hearts and interesting personalities  7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?I️ hope so  8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?My boy toy  9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Not really  10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?My best friend  11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?It’s literally just laughing emojis  12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Playboy shit- blackbear Up in this- blackbear U- h.e.r. (BIG MOOD) Ivy- frank ocean Verbatim- blackbear  13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?YES  14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?I️ believe in miracles, but I️ don’t really believe in luck  15. What good thing happened this summer?Lots of good things happened this summer, but a lot of bad things also happened  16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Yeah  17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Yeah, and I️ hope I’m right and I️ hope they’re nice to us if they ever come here  18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Nope  19. Do you like bubble baths?Yes yes yes  20. Do you like your neighbors?My neighbors are old and kinda weird but they’re nice  21. What are you bad habits?I️ bite my nails and I️ pick at my cuticles 🙃 22. Where would you like to travel?I️ kinda wanna go to like Iceland or something?? I️ think that would be kinda cool  23. Do you have trust issues?Yeah, especially with men  24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Going to sleep at night bc then I️ don’t have to deal with anyone or anything  25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?All of it lmao  26. What do you do when you wake up?I️ normally just try to go back to sleep but then I️ realize I️ have to go to school and I️ cry internally  27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?I️ like it the way it is I️ guess idk  28. Who are you most comfortable around?Probably my best friend  29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Yeah 30. Do you ever want to get married?Yeah, one day I️ wanna get married and everything even though it kinda scares me  31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?My hair is so long that when I️ put it in a high ponytail it still goes to my shoulders 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Missy peregrym and Ellen page, final answer.  33. Spell your name with your chin.Ao c (my name is Alex but that’s what ya get I️ guess)  34. Do you play sports? What sports?I️ used to play softball, volleyball, and basketball but I️ quit a few years ago  35. Would you rather live without TV or music?I’d rather live without TV  36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yup  37. What do you say during awkward silences?I️ normally make a stupid joke, and then instantly regret it  38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Let’s not go here lmao  39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I️ like to shop at thrift stores, zumiez, and target I️ guess?  40. What do you want to do after high school?I️ just wanna be happy 🤷🏻‍♀️ 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Yes, I️ honestly give 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances bc apparently I️ love being walked over 🙃 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?It means I️ either don’t like you or I’m really sad and I️ have a lot on my mind  43. Do you smile at strangers?I️ always smile when I️ make eye contact  44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer space  45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Food 46. What are you paranoid about?Literally everything, I’m not even over exaggerating  47. Have you ever been high?Nope  48. Have you ever been drunk?Nope 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Not really  50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?It was tie dye rainbow 51. Ever wished you were someone else?All the time  52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?There’s a few things, but the main one is not being able to stand up for myself and not speaking my mind  53. Favourite makeup brand?I️ really love Anastasia Beverly Hills  54. Favourite store?Target  55. Favourite blog?Ummmm idk  56. Favourite colour?Either yellow or dark green  57. Favourite food? NOODLES  58. Last thing you ate?I️ had hot Cheetos  59. First thing you ate this morning?I️ had a donut this morning  60. Ever won a competition? For what?I️ won a bunch of softball tournaments back in the day, does that count?  61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Nope 62. Been arrested? For what?Nope 63. Ever been in love? Yup yup yup  64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?I was literally like 12 and it was with a boy in a church parking lot and we went out to his dads car and he kissed me and our front teeth hit together it was “romantic”  65. Are you hungry right now?Nope 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I️ don’t have very many tumblr friends :// 67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter  68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr 69. Are you watching tv right now?Nope 70. Names of your bestfriends? Briann, briann, and briann  71. Craving something? What?Affection 72. What colour are your towels?They’re multicolored  72. How many pillows do you sleep with?I️ sleep with literally no pillows. I️ know, I’m weird  73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?I️ sleep with 1, don’t judge 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?Probably like 15-20? 75. Favourite animal?Dogs 76. What colour is your underwear?Burgundy 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Strawberry 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Dark blue 80. What colour pants?They’re pajama pants and they have lil dogs on them, super cute 81. Favourite tv show?The x files 82. Favourite movie?THE NEW SAW MOVIE IM OBSESSED  83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?mean girls 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean girls bc I’ve never seen 21 jump street  85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Gretchen bc I️ really relate to her  86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Dory  87. First person you talked to today?My boy toy  88. Last person you talked to today?The day isn’t over yet 89. Name a person you hate?I️ don’t say his name bc he doesn’t deserve my time  90. Name a person you love?I️ love a lot of people 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Not really?  92. In a fight with someone?Nope 93. How many sweatpants do you have?I️ only have like 1 pair  94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?I️ have like 10 95. Last movie you watched?Jigsaw 96. Favourite actress?Ellen page 97. Favourite actor?Ryan Reynolds?  98. Do you tan a lot?Nope 99. Have any pets?I️ have a dog 100. How are you feeling?Kinda sad, but it’s okay  101. Do you type fast?Yeah  102. Do you regret anything from your past?I️ regret A LOT of things 103. Can you spell well?I️m a decent speller 104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Yeah :/ 105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Yes 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Unfortunately  107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yeah  108. What should you be doing?I️ don’t have anything to do  109. Is something irritating you right now?Yeah 🙃 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?YES 111. Do you have trust issues?I️ have a lot, especially with men and I️ answered this already  112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?I️ haven’t cried in front of anyone in a long time 113. What was your childhood nickname?In softball they called me my last name but idk if that counts. I️ also got call “ghost” and “skeleton” bc kids are dickheads 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yup :) 115. Do you play the Wii?I️ used to, but my wii broke  116. Are you listening to music right now?Nope 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yes 118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes 119. Favourite book?Looking for Alaska (yeah I’m basic)  120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not really, I️ just get really paranoid 121. Are you mean?I️ can be, only when you get on my bad side though  122. Is cheating ever okay?Nope 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?Nope 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Nope 125. Do you believe in true love?Yeah  126. Are you currently bored?Yeah :/ 127. What makes you happy?Coffee and cold weather 128. Would you change your name?Nope 129. What your zodiac sign?Gemini 130. Do you like subway?Not really  131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Like them back apparently bc that’s what happened lmao  132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Didn’t I️ already answer this?? 133. Favourite lyrics right now?“Fuck on ur bitch like I’m Hefner”  134. Can you count to one million?Probably not 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I️ don’t even remember honestly  136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Open, I’m not allowed to have my doors closed but it freaks me out and gives me anxiety  137. How tall are you?5’6 138. Curly or Straight hair?I️ have straight hair but I️ prefer curly hair bc it’s really pretty  139. Brunette or Blonde?I️ have a thing for brunettes not even gonna lie 140. Summer or Winter?Winter 141. Night or Day?Night  142. Favourite month?December 143. Are you a vegetarian?I’m trying to be  144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?I️t doesn’t matter, it’s all great  145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee 146. Was today a good day?Kinda?  147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote?I️ don’t really have one 149. Do you believe in ghosts?Yeah 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? There are no books near me at the moment

#asks

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midlifechic · 5 years

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As you know, my approach to Christmas is to get all of the preparation done in November so that from 1st December I can just enjoy the build up. So when people say “it’s still too early,” I understand but I can’t help thinking that their December is going to be a stressful one. Of course because I work with retailers, my Christmas begins on about 4th January each year because as soon as we’ve drawn a line under one, the next one begins. It’s been like this for me since 1993 so I’m used to it. It doesn’t spoil it and this year I’m hoping to make everything twice as good to compensate for last when we all went down with norovirus on Christmas Eve.

So, let’s think about the pleasure of the countdown. Every morning when the boys have left for school I try to sit quietly for a while. I suppose I should use the time for slotting in a few sit-ups and press-ups but it seems to be the only opportunity I have for a quiet think. As I’ve already said, at the moment I’m savouring an entry from Nigel Slater’s Chronicles every morning and when it comes to December, the joy will be augmented by an advent calendar with a small moment of self-indulgence every day.

I’m never really bothered about receiving presents on Christmas Day. As a blogger I’m given a lot of lovely things all year round and there really isn’t anything I need so I like watching everyone else have a turn for once. However, I do really enjoy opening an advent calendar, particularly a beauty one. I’ve discovered most of the beauty heroes that I now rely on by buying a good one. I find it’s worth spending a bit more and getting one that contains strong brands with decent products. Advent calendars are a bit like wine – the packaging costs a lot to make and they’re expensive to mail. After my experience of working in manufacturing I’d say that at least the first £12 you spend is going purely towards that.

However, advent calendars don’t have to be about ‘stuff’ and I’ve included two other ideas I particularly like – one is about thoughts, the other is about deeds so that you can give this year as well as receive. Let me take you through what I believe to be the best advent calendars 2018.

Best advent calendars 2018

1. The John Lewis & Partners Beauty Calendar

Let’s start with beauty. I’d done a careful audit and this one was already my choice when I received it through the post as an early Christmas surprise from John Lewis & Partners (a huge thank you to you JL&P – particularly from Mr MC who was about to buy it for me). It’s ready and waiting on the breakfast table as you can see.

John Lewis Beauty Advent Calendar

I know what’s in it (although I’m trying to forget) and it’s exactly the sort of content I love. It includes tried and trusted luxury brands as well as an edit of new things to test in sizes that are more than just a single-use sample. It comes in a beautiful, unbranded box that you can then reuse for other members of the family by refilling it the following year. Here’s a little gallery of some of the things inside, it has 5 star reviews from everyone who’s bought it so far:

John Lewis Beauty Advent Calendar

2. The Edinburgh Gin Calendar

If you’re not a beauty fan, how about gin? Mother’s ruin – just what we need to get us through December! I have this one too although it’s not sitting on the breakfast table – that wouldn’t be the best way to start the day… or would it? There are quite a few gin calendars around this year but the reason I like this one is that it’s all gin whereas quite a few of them are padded out with tonic. The other bonus is that it isn’t too repetitive. There are a number of fruit gin liqueurs inside as well and I’m particularly looking forward to trying the frankincense and myrrh flavour. Do bear in mind that it’s heavy so I’d suggest you get it delivered rather than trying to pick it up in store.

Edinburgh gin advent calendar

3. The thoughtful advent calendar

24 reasons why I love you; this is personalised and the idea is that you think of 24 reasons that are specific to the person you’re giving it to. You can either hand write your 24 reasons or have them printed – now this would be so lovely to receive. I’m not sure that there are many midlife men who would set their minds to it but it’s the sort of thing that my mum might have sent to me when I was living in London. It would also be a lovely advent calendar for a teenager or child who’s perhaps having a bit of a rough time, or someone who’s elderly and lonely… or anyone who’s in need of a boost.

24 reasons why calendar

4. The traditional advent calendar

Of course advent calendars don’t have to be about gifts. I’ll never forget the pleasure I used to get from opening the simple picture ones when I was little. I always try to remember to buy one and the person whose turn it is to open the square has to think of a carol or Christmas song that relates to the picture. The boys used to love it when they were little and they still comply… albeit reluctantly.

Traditional advent calendar

5. The stationery advent calendar

Another useful one at a decent pricepoint that’s bound to have something for everyone. It’s a calendar that’s good to share, taking turns to open it every day. And – they’ve even thought about it from an aesthetic point of view, each day there’s a new joke and you turn the box you’ve opened around until the final one completes a Christmas jigsaw puzzle.

Stationery advent calendar

6. The sock advent calendar

Now I think this is a small stroke of genius, especially if you live in a house with multiple males. It’s an advent calendar with a new pair of jazzy, cotton mix socks for each day. In terms of value it’s an advent calendar that will last all year.

Sock advent calendar

7. The chocolate advent calendar

I had to include a chocolate one – and this comes from one of my favourite chocolate shops – the one I have to resist when I’m waiting at Euston Station which is something I do a lot. I may appear to be thoughtful by featuring the one that has chocolates for two… but in actual fact Mr MC isn’t a great lover of chocolate so it would just mean more for me!

Chocolate for two advent calendar

8. The heirloom calendar

It’s lovely to have a really special wooden advent calendar. We have a nativity one that we bought when the boys were little although it’s a shame there aren’t more characters in the advent story because we seem to spend a lot of days unwrapping sheep and donkeys! This comes pre-filled the first time but after that, you could change the treats as the years go by.

Heirloom calendar

9. The DIY advent calendar

There are so many men in my family who would love this – my grandfather was one of the first Radio Operators in the navy during the war and worked for Marconi after he left. He was always making radios so it must be in our genes. Anyway, a fun project for some for December.

DIY advent calendar

10. The reverse advent calendar

I don’t know whether you’ve heard about this idea but it’s an opportunity to give rather than receive. It was started by a small charity called One Can in High Wycombe but you can do it for any Food Bank – the best place to find one is the Trussell Trust. The idea is that each day during December you put something into a bag for life (they ask for these so that they can reuse them). It can be staples or it could include Christmas items such as Christmas puddings – and small gifts too. In fact if you open something in your beauty advent calendar that you don’t need, pop that in as well. All you have to do is drop it off – and it’s better to do it by 20th December so that the charity has time to distribute the goodies inside. It’s an easy way to make life better for someone on your doorstep whose Christmas might not be the best one. Charity at a grassroots level – always the best.

So, a few things to consider there. I hope you treat yourself, I know some people are a bit snooty about advent calendars but they can be really good value. You see a lot of brands use them as loss leaders, including their best products in the hope that you’ll love them and become a loyal customer. Right I’m off to catch up with some comments now but I’ll be back again soon with my next Christmas instalment, in the meantime, I hope you have a lovely evening.

Disclosure: ‘Best advent calendars 2018’ is not a sponsored post

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Best advent calendars 2018 – a chance to give and receive As you know, my approach to Christmas is to get all of the preparation done in November so that from 1st December I can just enjoy the build up.

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