#and its all i can focus on sometimes

[axolot-of-ideas]

i hate how scared i am now because of you

#vent tw #i was scared of loving for months and i still am #im scared of being vulnerable and i cant even indulge in one my coping mechanisms as easily anymore #i’ll never the love the same anymore because of you #and top of it all i cant love without fear of losing anymore #and its all i can focus on sometimes #you took this from me #i would’ve been fine if losing the relationship didn’t mean losing you too! #and now i’ve lost you and rem and you- you keep hurting me! #and the worst part is i cant tell if you mean to make my heart hurt or if you mean to hurt me when you say or do those things

[nana2009]

in this jolly times may i present u: MILF DOVEKAT :B

#homestuck #davekat #dovekat #karkat vantas #dave strider #dove strider #davekat fankid #danny #ruroekaki #a break from all the yandere lol #you can tell i had a special focus somewhere. danny obviously DUHHHHH #sai is a pain in the arse sometimes #danny -> danni?? its the same pronunciation theres not much change #plus danny is technically a neutral name rite so no reason to change it *shrug*

[kagooleo]

johto’s champion and chronicler for the deity of the ilex shrine, it’s lyra!🌿

this one took me a while due to trying out different techniques (studying a Lot of art nouveau) and making a couple changes to her outfit (the details help), but I’d like to think she’s learned a lot in her journey and wanted to reflect her experience more in her champion fit

her specialty would be in fairy types and her meganium’s divergent evolution is grass/fairy 🧚🪷

and a bonus w/ the johto gang after the photoshoot!

#kagarts #trainer lyra #meganium #pokemon hgss #get ready for a bigass tag wall again HYAH #her team picks are meganium (grass/fairy + shiny!) azumarill togekiss alola ninetales gardevoir and clefable (mega evolves for fairy/steel) #terrains and high sp atk + statuses galore + her dino can cause a stronger confusion (like toxic w badly poisoned but its w/ Bad headaches) #i'll probably make changes as i go design wise for meganium but colors were inspo from sampaguita flowers #the flower's associated with true friendship and utilized in medicines or given as good gestures in various traditions and celebrations #and also bc she's 🇵🇭 babey!!!!!!!! i'm slapping all my favs w the pinoy beam and not even the dinos are safe >:] #since her dino is shiny a lot of the colors are just a few color diffs where the little orbs are + warmer tones. gotta make a ref sometime #not sure if I should tag the others bc the focus is on her. but the quartet always pulls thru for each other #i like thinking silver gets comfortable enough to be the friend that's “s'cuse you my Friend asked for No pickles” #silver in line picking up her food like “yeah yeah i know her and btw that’s CHAMPION lyra to you. YES she ordered a strawberry shake” #both of their meganiums are Best friends and silver likely uses his dino when you rematch him (and his would beee grass/dragon) #calling this piece Done though oh my god this semester has been nuts. don't wanna take any longer on a single piece or i'm eating tree bark #tumblr's gonna kill the quality on it but idgaf im Done. i need to tidy up my sheezy now

[milkbreadtoast]

I DID A PHOTO STUDY...!!! i never do those bc im unmotivated af so this is an accomplishment for me...🤧

#my art #i stayed up all night on this instead of drawing smth for valentine's day like i planned #but like i said this is an accomplishment for me KFJKDKD a first...🫡🫡 #i should do more of these but #ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING THATS NOT MY HYPERFIXATION #(ie fanart or sometimes ocs... mostly fanart) #i had to like stylize her into anime style bc i would get too bored if i copied it exactly #that was interesting tho... kinda fun..?? #i do want to do more... i hope i can motivate my brain to

[oceanwithouthermoon]

at the end of a lot of my posts involving toritsuka i always stop myself from elaborating too much cuz i end up thinking like 'ah everyones knows how i feel about toritsuka' but DO THEY ?? do they.. because ive gotten (and ignored) multiple asks from people who think i fucking hate toritsuka and its so insane to me because WHERE DID I FUCKING SAY THAT?? guys.

he is literally so silly! i lowkey feel like i need to make a masterpost of everything ive ever said about him just so that i can force it down everyones throats and make you all understand my complex feelings on this stupid dumb idiotic little freak!

its a love-hate kind of obsession <3

#its not really 'love-hate' i dont hate him at all i just think he is very complex and interesting #and i do like to focus on his wrongs more than his rights but its not because im trying to invalidate his progression #its because i think he does those bad things for a REASON and i want to build on that #my beautiful princess with a traumatic past and a redemption arc #its not really a redemption arc idk what else to call it though #this is also how i feel about kusuke btw like how can people think i hate him. #both of these characters i literalky just acknowledge the bad things they canonically do and people take it as hate #that tells me so much about how u guys ignore the bad parts of your fav characters #stop pretending they did nothing wrong. they did so much wrong. #'hes my babygirl he can do no wrong' NUH UH hes MY babygirl and he's committed atrocities #its just sooooo crazy to me that people refuse to acknowledge him doing shitty things just cuz they like him.. #this is kind of why i created the meownalysis tag cuz i wanted people to b able to see my specific takes if they were looking #but sometimes i just talk and it doesnt quite fall under an analysis or i just like mention something quietly in a post #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k. #toritsuka reita #meows post #meownalysis #?? not realky but in gonna put it here

[craycraybluejay]

i have this insanely good fic idea but its way past my bedtime.. tomorrow we write

#wincest #oh you guys are going to be in for a treat if this is your thing #any hypersexuals out here? its going to focus a lot on that and how that manifests realistically #and how sometimes you are mean to yourself indirectly because the need is stronger than anything else #lile u straight up be disrespecting yourself even tho u know u can do better #not at all a personal thing nope #anyway #hypersexual!dean and loving!sam #like big bro please stop letting you do this to yourself i will take care of you this is sad as fuck #but in a sweeter way #i dont usually like fluff but like #writing a hypersexual character getting treated with kindness and respect and love is like crack #it is so important to me #hypersexuality is a lot like other addictive/compulsive behavioral patterns #u end up in a bad place w the good intention of keeping yourself happy or content #and i think addicts deserve endless love and compassion and patience and accomodation #just #yeag

[anotherpapercut]

smth that I've found difficult in navigating life as an autistic adult is that I don't want to be infantilized, like I want/need to be viewed as a full adult, but sometimes my needs seem childish to people. so like I fight to be taken seriously but then when I do actually need help I can't get it because only a child would need it and I should be able to handle if I really want to be viewed as an adult

#i just. i do not feel like i am fit to work. but its incredibly difficult to obtain ssi and then ssi sucks #literally only have found 3 jobs that meshed w my autism and 2 of them i cant do anymore bc of physical disability #and 1 of them is still my job (math tutor ❤️) we're only allowed to work up to 19.5 hrs a week whoch i cant live off of #anyway this is all to say i feel like a dumb childish idiot because i cant function if im not wearing my favorite comfy shirt #and i know its ridiculous but i just will not be able to focus on anything else all day sometimes #i just need to be in my comfort clothing sometimes so i can feel like it's giving me a hug all day #and i know theyre just never going to understand that because of how stupid it sounds #i wish i had like a cool relative who was rich. i mean i do but hes not THAT cool. who would let me live in like an apartment they rent

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Phullo it is I again!

I am very glad that you actually responded and given me an actual advice since I was worried about the question I sent you.

Though besides that I have another question for you (hoorayyy)!

So, about the reading books earlier- I’m fortunately a bookworm too! It’s just that I notice I prefer reading the genre science fiction/psychological horror more than… anything else!

And while the books I am currently reading, ‘Flowers For Algernon’ and ‘I’m Thinking Of Ending Things’ (these books are seriously so wonderfully made they make want to tear my walls), DO have romantic aspects of it- it’s not really the main plot of the story..

‘Flowers For Algernon’ has amazing storytelling and is very unique- though I’m not sure if you’ve read it before but, it’s actually just the main character taking notes. Hence why there was a lot misspellings which honestly makes it a great touch if you know the context behind it.

On the other hand, ‘I’m Thinking Of Ending Things’ too shares the same uniqueness as the other, possibly even more unique if I must say so myself. Though I REALLY don’t want to make my story similar to them since I want to make it more heart warming than fucked up..

Which is why I feel like I have the need to borrow or buy at least one romantic book because, I lack of it. I mean I accidentally borrowed it one time but it was kind of disappointing.

I don’t know if its a good idea and if I should do it or not since does it really matter of the genre, or just the writing?

Still, if you have any good books that are in the romance genre. Feel free to recommend some to me!

-lots of love, from another bookworm

welcome back! happy to hear you're a bookworm as well <3 im writing those titles down since i read a criminal lack of sci-fi despite loving it

i actually don't have any straight up romance recs - i don't actively search it out (outside of fanfic), so any romance i read just comes with whatever book i've picked up. just straight up romance bores me, unless its a fic with a pairing i actively like. and even then, i need to take breaks from it unless the romance is interspersed with an actual plot. im not a romantically-geared person! i dont have single Main Plot Is Romance book on my shelves!

but imo its really just the quality of writing that helps. ive never been in a romance, im the child of two different divorces, and yet ive been told that i write romance fairly well. go fuckin figure lmao.

so actually my advice on romance is to just like. wow idk what i do is pick apart the romances i see on tv / in writing. what makes them good together, how do they act around each other, what are their love languages, what's their dynamic, what traditional romance things do they partake in, what dont they partake in, do they have anything nontraditional, do they work and why do / they dont they - does that make their relationship more interesting or is it flat. are they a good match.

you don't have to have every answer, but ive found that at least understanding their characters / dynamics, and having them interact in a way that suits them will help your romance feel natural. dont conform to tropes or tradition, that will just make the relationship flat and unrealistic. and you can always sprinkle in little things that you like / would like, which will help ground the romance and get you into the groove

tldr with romance, i think it's better to observe real life (whether that's paying attention to couples or reading reddit threads) & analyze in-love or in-a-relationship characters instead of just reading romance novels. bc honestly, and from what i can tell, they can tend to be over the top or cookie cutter

just realized you did not explicitly ask for romance advice! Oopsie! i got a little carried away here....

#another thing i like to do is analyze bad fictional relationships / ones i dont like #both bc it gives me a concise argument / explanation if someone gets on me about it #and bc it helps me understand what makes good romances Good #bc bad relationships make me sit there and ask 'well. what went wrong here? why dont they work? why do i hate this? whats Missing?' #and filling in those gaps teaches me what Does work. what will go Right. why i Love it. what Is there. #sometimes the answer is simply bad writing & after taking a deeper look #i can conclude they they Are good for each other - the show/book just shoved them together with no reason other than #'need romance' or 'boy meet girl' or 'love at first sight' #i mean there are some romances that i look at it and im like 'wow! this should not be happening!' #but i Like it because its interesting enough! a good example is aline & the darkling from the grishaverse #such a fucking unhealthy relationship. really well written. fascinating. hot as hell. important for the story/characters. #i wanted to rip them apart but also glue them together to see how horrible the train crash would be!!!! #absolutely unprompted #so i mean... i think i can rec books that Have good romances in them? but thats not the focus by any means #lemme know... i know im less helpful this time around but i hope im helping a little! #feel free to ask as many questions as you like - ill do my best with all of them

[tarnussy]

red and black combo forever

#dark souls #fashion souls #i like this drip #you can match fits easier in ds than er #and now that ive been playing ds for some days now i actually really like it #even tho it can be frustrating sometimes bc its very difficult. i wonder if a controller would be easier than mouse and keyboard #but still it helps to take my mind off of things like constantly wanting to k!ll myself or hack myself up & that's helpful in the end #you get beaten up so hard in game that you have no time to focus on anything else #and i don't mind that at all

[frecklystars]

i know nobody is online to see it rn but GOD it feels so good to be in love again!!!!!!!!! i reached the tag limit on that last reblog of la la land, there's a tag limit of 30 and i originally wrote almost 60 and then i had to keep revising it over and over until i only had 30. i just kept talking abt how much i love sebastian!!! and that's!!! how i'm supposed to be!!!! it's such a huge goddamn relief to start self shipping again even if it's not with TF, i really hope i can come back to my robots one day, but god. god it's such a fucking relief to have seb and six and ken and barbie and harley etc etc etc etc the list hopefully will just keep growing. this love in my chest, this feeling of overwhelming love that makes me actually physically sigh because there's so much love in me... that's how i am supposed to be and i am so relieved to start feeling this way again. i was numb for so long. i'm so grateful for these characters.

#woof #pretty sure i spent at least 20 minutes typing those tags #and then after i finished i was like 'oh there i am' #there's that star in my heart! she's still burning bright after all! she's just hurting. but she isn't gone. maybe she never was #and maybe one day i can finally finally finally come back to TF #but for now. for now. i am holding ryan and margot's characters' hands. all of these characters all of these pretty ppl #and they are guiding me through hell and telling me things are gonna be ok #bc lord knows i tried to throw myself at ANYTHING and NOTHING would stick #i tried watching different movies/cartoons i never saw before. didnt feel loved #tried to watch old things i used to love like SBTM or MLP. didnt feel loved #maybe the trauma was too fresh for me to be able to focus on anything else #but barbie came at the PERFECT time. the STARS ALIGNED JUST RIGHT #and out of any character that could have saved me it was KEN? #its because he makes me laugh. barbie did help MONUMENTALLY with pink #im still struggling with pink sometimes but its definitely majorly improved #like if i look back on myself 2 months ago i COULD NOT look at pink without having a panic attack. insane #but now??? im going thru pink blogs and associating EVERYTHING with margot's barbie #and any time i feel tense i can easily ground myself bc i am associating it with my self ships #im using it in my art again and its such a relief #im not fully myself without starscream but hey. a part of me is here. a part of me is breathed back to life just a little bit #its as if ive been drowning for over a year and finally someone reached out their hands to save me #pull me to the surface and maybe im not on solid ground yet but the waves arent thrashing or pulling me down as much anymore

[incrediblysincere]

Having a job where i have to interact with coworkers all day has really made me notice how bad my social skills are

#like i like focus HARD on the work and i find it really hard to talk at the same time #which is interesting because i know my family/friends probably think i talk TOO much but its totally different depending on who im around #like if im with friends or people i feel really confortable with i can infodump for half an hour on shit they dont care about #but with my coworkers who are all adult men mostly 10+ years older than me and im laying i completely forget to talk #so with me its either non stop bullshit or just that fluoride stare #i know some coworkers are ok with it but i have at least one who clearly isnt a fan of long silences and tries to make conversation and #i realise i CANNOT hold a conversation with him so i probably come off as super boring #and even went prompted (asked a question) i usually just say Okey like ness and then go silent again #i dont mind that much but then sometimes i think back and im like wow. He was trying to talk to me and i probably came off as really boring #or shy or a stuck up bitch. which i dont think im any of #anyway im the 😐🧍autistic for real

[yellowocaballero]

I just finished your New Wave fic. I’m convinced everything your write is gold. I loved your TMA fics, with the most heartbreaking demon AU imaginable and the hilarity of Fahrenheit 101. I loved your moon knight fics, starting with Steven talking to animals on the reg at work to the system growing closer with a focus on Jake, i- there’s- it’s sooo much packed into it. When I’m on burnout, of art or writing (maybe life in general at times) I revisit your work and am thrown back into a creative headspace.

You are my favorite writer, you cram so much meaning and thought into your work and it shows. The characters are dumbasses and say the most ridiculous shit and turn around the next chapter and say the most thought provoking thing, and I don’t get whiplash from it because these characters just work! They just do, and I… am very much off track!

Anyways I just got into Batman and reading your fic is fueling that flame! I can’t wait to see what you have in store next, and I shall now stalk your blog for writing tips! I hope you have a nice day broski 💙

Thank you!! This is so sweet thank you so much! This ask is so nice!

Trust me, if there's meaning then it's because I get obsessive over these fics and I massively overthink them. I honestly wish I was better at making simpler, more elegant stories. I feel like nothing I do is truly going to be good until I can find that simplicity.

"Dipshit who says stupid stuff and then turns around and spouts ridiculous philosophy" is just how I talk. But I habitually approach my life from a standpoint of finding humor in everything, if only to soften the blow. I was once told that it's really hard to tell when I'm joking, because everything I say is always half-joking and always half-serious. I feel like that's pretty evident from my narration too...

As for writing advice...um, I was just speaking about this with somebody. When you're plotting a story, the first thing I like to figure out is what I'm trying to say. Everything else should be built around that. The joy of writing is that I think we all have something we want to say, or something we want people to know, or that we have an aspect of ourselves and our lives that we want to express. Most of the time, trying to convey those things verbally just results in a frustrating approximation of your true feelings. I find that when I manage a successful story, the depth and scale of what I'm trying to impart is fully understood and felt. It's rewarding. I think if people aren't understood on some level, by somebody, they kind of die.

Thanks for the sweet ask!!

#dungeon meshi is the peak of storytelling and im not joking #my asks #my writing #(my writing tag is a good place to find my dumb essays!) #i dont consider myself a creative and i barely consider myself a writer #so i professionally have no fucking opinions on art or whatever #also im not sure you can call what i do art in like any meaningful way #but i know a lot of musicians and everything #and so much art is just a person trying to convey something that can't be conveyed through words alone #so much stuff is lost in translation between our brains and our mouths - its like translating english to a foreign language #the meaning can be conveyed but inherently it'll never capture the original meaning exactly in every way #i think art can help you achieve a more perfect translation more than anything else can #you just have to feel like that poor schmuck in j alfred prufrock all the time #'that's not what i meant at all; that is not it - not at all' #JASLKDF sorry for the pretentious tags and also pretentious essay #all i do is write fanfic i dont know shit about this tbh #i just think that idk. there's things in this world that only we know #things that only we can say or understand #and sometimes we have to say them ourselves in our own words #sometimes ppl focus too hard on making their writing sound pretty or correct or 'good' #and they dont focus as much on how pretty writing is a tool to say what youre trying to say more effectively #idk! im sorry for quoting ts eliot some things can't be forgiven etc

[nonuggetshere]

GOD I HAD AN IDEA AS I WAS FALLING ASLEEP TODAY

About FaaF naturally

A sad one, TW fir near child death and harm

Involves Xero's attempt at an assassination, or it could be literally just any guard controlled by the Radiance

PK and WL need to talk about something private, and WL looks at the tiny vessel tagging along by her wyrm's side

"Should it be here?"

"It wouldn't understand anything anyway."

"Still, it's...a little..."

He sighs lightly, "Yeah, I get where you're coming from... Vessel, come here."

He kneels down and orders them to sit by the door and wait for them while they talk, says he'll come pick them up once they're done and not to move, then the two go to talk on the balcony and close the door behind them

At some point, Xero/the guard bursts in and attacks PK in the middle of the conversation, managing to take them by surprise and so gets one good swing in before PK darts away and retaliates, pinning them down with soul blades, though he has to keep his wife from killing them on the spot - he doesn't want to be so hasty, knowing they're infected and not themself. He pulls out the sword from his chest and that's when they realise, it's covered in void...

Child harm/near death TW beyond this point

After a moment of shock White Lady, who's closest to the doors, runs out and all her husband can hear is a horrified, heartbroken scream. He feels nauseous, his stomach twisting into knots and feeling like his heart is in his throat as he runs out after her. He sees her in tears, cradling a tiny bundle soaked in void. There's- there's so much void. It covers the floor where he left their child vessel and soaks through his lady's shawl and clothes as she cradles them in her arms.

For a moment he's paralysed, before he just snaps. He flies back onto the balcony, screaming at the possessed guard that he'll kill her, he'll make her pay for this, and he slays them in his rage (something he'll regret and feel ashamed of later), still hitting and screaming at Her well after the possessed person is dead and she can't hear him anymore.

He collapses, panting, near tears, and just gets himself up and stumbles out the door and towards the two, he wants to see how bad it is for himself.

Flower survives, but just barely. They had multiple stab wounds and lost their left arm, if not for their parents immediately healing them they'd be dead. They're barely older than 5, still so very little and defenceless, PK is horrified at how could anyone hurt a baby this young and helpless (hypocrite), even if they're not alive.

They're still on bed rest because that was so much damage and their mother doesn't leave their side and their father only leaves when necessary. They still don't realise Flower's alive and they know they shouldn't be so attached but it still feels like their baby and they can't just leave them. WL spends the entire day by their side, gently stroking their hair and horns with her now permanently void stained hands and softly coos and sings to them

Of course, they quickly realise they ARE alive because no way in hell a toddler is getting this hurt and NOT crying and screaming the second they wake up <3

Which just makes this situation so much worse

#thylacines can talk #faaf au #mentions of child harm and near death in tags too btw #so dont read further if its something youre sensitive to or cant handle rn #i like to write him as more sympathetic in faaf but i cant state enough what a gigantic hypocrite he is #pk: How can you hurt a child?! they're FIVE! #child harm cw #radi: ...dude. #dont make your kid a child soldier but also you cant 'all fair's in war' your way out of stabbing a toddler radi #unrelated tangent but they both suck and god i need to focus some more on FaaF Radi. Ik this AU at times feels like sympathetic PK and evil #villain Radi AU but it's really not. They're both morally grey and while Radi is a bit more. questionable and less sympathetic imo. doesnt #mean shes completely evil. they're both meant to be morally grey and both did equally horrible irredeemable shit that they come to regret #and wish to fix. ik it doesnt come off this way at times because i have my things i prefer to write at times and this AU was always a #relationship dynamic exploration between Flower and all different characters. but neither PK nor WL are by no means forgiven. Most of their #kids range from ''i literally dont care about you you are not my parents dont contact me again'' to ''i hate your guts'' #with sometimes an added flavour of ''And I WILL murder your ass if I see you again'' for some of them #(Razor my beutiful wife with unchecked anger issues <3) #sorry if the tags are incomprehensible it is 5 am and i instantly forget anything i write the second i cant read it fully #once i finish writing a tag and it collapses the contents of it instantly leave my short term memory. im not being dramatic btw the amount #of times i have to back out from editing tags to read them back bc i forgot what i wrote is annoying

[oceanwithouthermoon]

idk if anyone else experiences this, but im SO bad at like picturing a characters voice when im reading something, like i guess some people can just automatically hear character voices of what theyre reading but it doesnt happen naturally for me at all so i always end up reading everything in my own voice.. but if im reading fanfiction or a book with a show/movie adaptation, i like to look up clips and try to listen to the characters voice while reading it so i can picture it better, and suddenly the text has SOOOO much more impact with the right voice.. i feel like this is gonna sound stupid or like common sense but i swear i just feel like im missing out because it doesnt have the same effect when i read it how i normally do..

very specifically talking about saiki, because he has such a specific tone and i just can't replicate it in my head no matter how hard i try, so whenever im reading the manga or a fic, i gotta listen to clips of him talking because the experience is so. much. better.

#I FEEL LIKE IM MISSING OUT ON SO MUCH ! I CAN NEVER READ IT THE WAY IT SHOULD BE READ !! #especially in fics where he gets even a little bit emotional- it doenst hit the same when read in MY voice cuz im so naturally expressive #i wish i could replicate how he would sound in my head cuz whenever i really really try and focus while using clips- IT HITS SO MUCH HARDER #this also ends with me accidentally mischaracterizing him cuz since i kin him heavily AND read him with my voice- #i sometimes end up reading him with MY tone and MY personality and its so not him at all and it doesnt have the same effect UGH UGH AUGH #sorry this actually does not make sense at all its just an autistic rant #idk what this is but i feel like its gotta be the autism cuz none of my allistic friends or family understand this or why it upsets me #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k. #saiki kusuo #meows post

[mikoran]

sometimes ill see a st3ddie post about their hypothetical struggle of being queer in the 80s and ficlets about the homophobia they deal with. and the rational, logical side of me thinks that its fandom and everyone is allowed to do what they want and finding comfort in characters experiencing your experiences can be very helpful to people. but the other side of me is yelling WILL BYERS IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE

#like theres nothing wrong with shipping it and portraying those things with them #but something about choosing the only slightly implied queer character and the very much straight one to use as an outlet just #reallyyyy rubs me the wrong way when a character in the show already canonically faces that shit #not to mention the fact that steddies popularity mostly comes from the ability to sexualize them which is a whole other can of worms #and said people doing the sexualization is often cishet women #and then they pull out other cards like oh actually lets focus on steves trauma guys and the tragedy that is eddie #and theres no harm in that either ofc character analysis is great i live for it #but we all know its not actually about their depths as characters #its about being attractive white men #contrary to what this post might tell you about me i dont mind steddie its like fine ig #and i like steve and eddie but god their stans annoy me sometimes #anti steddie #but back to will #hes had to face so much. hes had deal with people calling him slurs his whole life. hes in love with his (supposedly) straight best friend #hes got queer depression written all over him #and yet hes somehow not the top choice for crying over those things about #instead its two characters with like. a singular one on one interaction #again #no problem with shipping them etc etc #but seriously?? why are we focusing on them as opposed to the canonically queer much deeper romance playing out right before our eyes #with mounds of trauma and angst on the side #cough cough fetishization #ill shut up now sorry #will byers #byler

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated