#and im too socially fucked to try to make friends as an adult

[wwwyzzerdd420]

Maybe I AM an extrovert

#i get really grouchy when i have no positive interactions with people #so when my wife isn't feeling well i suffer tremendously #cause i guess i need to interact with people but nobody wants to be my friend #and im too socially fucked to try to make friends as an adult

[spiked-mall-goth]

heyyyyyy <3 <3 i feel terrible.

i had planned to stay off longer but i genuinely have had like three nervous breakdowns since i left bc right as i decided it was abt time i just chill for a little bit everything started happening all at once. so i came back to see my silly little internet friends, but like the second i logged back on some ppl were talking smack abt me sooooooooo... ya know. my day (two weeks) be so fine,, then BOOM my entire schedule fills up and i become hollow on the inside! (hey sorry like vent post n tags i need to get things out of my brain)

#spikes rambles #i was happy there for a minute too :< #heres what its looking like rn.... #i have three weddings. one of which i am a bridesmaid for and was left to get my own dress #but i cant afford a nice dress that matches. so i have to make one my damn self. and in two weeks. #i have a graduation.. and a graduation party both for different ppl #even tho i had to push back my own graduation by a full year bc things were just not going as planned. and now everyone thinks im a failure #im volunteering to teach at a kids summer camp like thingy. i was supposed to have a partner but i was told that she actually #wants nothing to do with me and was forced into this but i was under the impression that we would be teaching TOGETHER #and not her being an assistant. so now i have to call her and be like heyyyyy what the fuck is going on i need to know the lesson plan #im also volunteering for a church summer thing. if i could i wouldnt be doing this but my self made mother figure asked me personally #to help and i cant say no to this. we get to hang out and i get to paint like murals and shit and we've been doing this together for years #i have to spend the weekend with my bio mother to go to a celtic festival thing bc my younger brother wants to go. #i'm having some pretty severe best friend problems which i am honestly not well equipped enough to deal with and its eating me away inside #summer has officially started here so that means 24/7 headaches and sensory problems. straight up category 5 autism moments #i had to pick up the slack and become a paternal figure to my youngest brother. which is just sad that i have to at all #my dear beloved friend is trying very hard to make a young adult like hangout (???) thing in own town and really wants me to go #but i just dont wanna. i dont really care for social gatherings #hey guys btw all this has happened or was planned for next month in the two weeks i was gone #what the fuck.

[fabulouslygaybean]

god. im scared

#realizing that i lost all of my teen years to trauma and bullshit like that. and that it forced me to be an adult way sooner than i - #- should have needed to be. #im turning 17 in a whopping 13 days and just. im terrified. like genuinely scared. #my family is having a lot of financial issues rn and im probably gonna have to pick up another job to help my mom make ends meet #and i think she wants me out of the house by the time i turn 18 so i gotta hurry. #idk how the fuck im gonna find a job where i can make enough money to help my mom while also letting me save up for an apartment while - #- also helping me cover all of my own costs BEFORE i turn 18. so food and medical stuff and clothes and such. while also having enough - #- time and energy to balance my final two years of high school AND somehow have a social life on top of that #i dont know how the hell im gonna pull it off. i dont feel like an adult but i have to be one already so i just gotta figure it out i guess #ive already lost the rest of my teen years. i shouldn't be sad about losing the last few. i don't have time to mourn. #my mom keeps saying that i need to stop stressing out bc its my birthday but like. the problem is my birthday. #sigh. i should be happy this month. im turning 17! im going to riot fest! i like most of my teachers this year! i have a bit of freedom! #but i don't feel happy. im just violently reminded that time has passed way too quickly and that im running out of time for everything. #im also violently reminded that i very much do not feel like an adult. even though it's only a little over a year till im 18. #i still watch cartoons and buy stuffed animals and have sleepovers with friends where we gossip about school and make pony bead bracelets #i cover my notebooks with stickers and laugh at immature jokes and have glow in the dark stickers on my bedroom ceiling #just. idk. i keep trying to catch up for lost time but i just have to keep rushing foward faster than i can handle. its weird. #sorry to post disappointing shit. im just tired and my body hurts and im stressed and scared and sad. nothing's going right. #in better news. after i get a job to pay for it i can apparently get a birth control prescription without parental consent in my state #i might finally be able to escape from my debilitating monthly pain! ill be able to function!! #im also gonna be getting myself a lowkey ugly rottmnt birthday cake from a grocery store because its my birthday and i can do what i want #so im still stressed and scared but ill have a day with friends where we can play games and do stupid shit and act like teenagers i guess #it'll be nice :')

[paper-mario-wiki]

I don't know if you've talked about this elsewhere already but was the break from streaming intentional and/or are you planning on returning to streaming some time in the foreseeable future? no pressure, I just miss your silly antics :o)

felt very burnt out from being someone who people are always lookin at all the time mostly! (and also a lot more reasons)

got a new job that pays just as well as streaming (which is enough to pay for rent in seattle with roommates, buy food for myself, and sometimes buy yet another japanese gamecube via online auction), and have been enjoying the feeling of not relying on anonymous teenagers and young adults who are just as poor as me on the internet for my income. It's something i was extremely grateful for, but it's not only a very infirm way to generate revenue on a reliable basis, but also i always felt an ever-present sense of guilt for it. like, instilling within other people who i know are in my tax bracket (one that is below the poverty line) the idea of "hey if you dont tip me for doing this free service, the quality of which is damningly subjective, I will be homeless. but no pressure haha" is something that i was never able to shake.

also like. performing is quite draining for me! the way i portray myself in my streams is EXTREMELY extroverted while, in my personal life, i prefer to spend 8 to 14 of my waking hours every day by myself in my room with my dog. i like the quiet, and i feel at peace most when i am not being perceived by other people.

lastly, i really dislike having inordinate levels of social power. for a several reasons. like, SEVERAL reasons. this is the longest section of this post.

8 years ago, i got way more famous than any 16 year old should ever be when i got tens of thousands of followers overnight for doing undertale shit. and i think it really fucked up my ability to make friends at a time where my only experience meeting new people was at school or at church, and i lived far enough out in the woods that i couldnt just go outside and hang out with the neighbors cuz the neighbors lived a mile away. my socializing skills in general are way more stilted than i'd prefer for someone my age. in private settings ive got my foot in my mouth a lot. and sometimes in public settings too! im sure if youve seen streams ive been on, youve seen plenty of "chase you really shouldnt have said that" moments. and youre probably right, i probably shouldnt have! my moment-to-moment gauge for what i should and shouldnt say is very slow to catch up cuz ive got like. advanced mental illnesses. like, im not joking when i say ive been formally diagnosed several times over by different doctors with shit ive never heard anybody ever talk about, online or otherwise.

i dont think that's an excuse to say heinous or cruel things by any means of course, but i also think that i should not rely on a job where there's constantly a microphone in my hand and an audience listening intently to what i say. im not at all pulling the "its okay that i say mean things because im mentawy iww" card. as a matter of fact i think it's not okay that i say them! and i feel very embarrassed when i do! the filter that separates "normal healthy thoughts" and "intrusive unhealthy thoughts" is thinner and more flimsy in my brain than in others.

ive only gotten this far because i surround myself with very smart, patient, and kind people, and by trying to be understanding and patient with others too. and ive begun apologizing to people a lot more. i dont like it when people are mad at me, and i dont like that for a long time i had professionally painted myself into a corner where im typically always the "heel" in comedy settings, because the "heel" is the guy everyone shits on all the time. i got this reputation not because i actively enjoy being mean, but because i learned to adapt to the aforementioned "clinically unreliable intrusive thoughts filter" by realizing i would say things that came across as mean, and in real time exaggerating that it into a character that people could shoot back at without feeling guilty while still having fun. theres nothing that ruins a good time quite like someone who is constantly apologizing for doing something wrong, and then continuing to do that wrong thing anyway. dont misunderstand, i absolutely adore dunking on weenies when everyone can get a good laugh out of it (like tumblr anons, who i think should be classified as prokariyotic invertebrates and not people (no offense)) but even though it's a joke it still feels very bad when that's expected of me when i walk into a room. because if i walk into a room, and everyone expects me to be an asshole, everyone is on the defensive before i say anything, and sometimes they take shots at me when im not trying to "play". even worse, if im a heel in a setting where it's expected of me and someone cant really keep up with "the bit" then that just means im being an asshole to someone who cant or doesnt have the energy to fight back. and not just any asshole, an asshole who has had nearly a decade of professional experience being a paid asshole.

if im being frank, i dont know if i'll come back in a full capacity. i might! im not ruling that out! and you'll probably still see me pop up in my friends streams, because i did LOVE what i did for a very long time! but after i took my "break" in december after being more stressed than ive ever been, and i knew it was no longer financially necessary for me to livestream, i had the thought "i will go back to streaming when i find within myself a desire to do so" and ya know what? i havent yet.

and DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS. if you post a fucking "hey have u heard what chase said" message in their chat or in their DMs or anything, im not joking when i say you are actively being the kind of person i changed my career to avoid! fuck you, for real! stop trying to interface with them to get some new piece of information or opinion about me you fucking weirdo! they'll talk about me if they want to, but going to someone who is doing their own thing and asking them to instead comment on someone else it is ALWAYS fucking annoying. if you want to think about me, do it by yourself! or ask me directly! or do it in the comment section of a video im in! or write a fanfiction about me and then throw it away!

but if ur not that kind of person then ur cool dont worry.

anywho! im sorry if this is a bummer to read. but that's the full skinny.

im still posting regularly on twitter (clown_depot)! and if i DO go live, either on my twitch channel or on a friend's stream, it will be posted there!

thanks for watching :^]

im not goin radio silent, im just gonna turn off the electric window that lets people see me for a while.

#the man with no face

[bitchlessdino]

TPC: Seungcheol hot tub sexcapades

Series

Pairing: afab!reader x seungcheol

Genre: smut

Word count: 2.6k

tags: virgin!reader, mention of body image issues, mention of adult content, mentions of tresspasing, mentions of drinking alcohol, smut but not sex? nag!seungcheol, heavy making out, oral (reader rec.), fingering

Summary: At the grown age you are, you were very much ready to lose this social construct that is your virginity, and who better to lose it to than the hottest guy at the party.

author note: i haven't touched this in so long. Happy to have them back and with cheol of all people. hopefully finishing this soon bc it looks like I have another mile stone Im about to hit.

Tag list: @iwouldbangchan @1uvlywon @just-here-to-read-01 @candidupped @minnie-mouser22 @shiningstar-byulxx @90s-belladonna @misssugarlips @tommolex @hoeforhao @honglynights @homerunhansol @dkakapizzaboy @junhui-recs @svtup @buffhoshi @meowmeowminnie @caratochan @lovebot4han @lovelyhan

The only times you’ve cum were by the will of your own hand. It’s embarrassing to admit, but you are painfully a virgin.

High school wasn’t great to you and neither is college, but it came at a point in time you were ready to get it over with. God, did you sound like some cliche. Not any more cliche than this party you’re at though. Drunk, horny, high. Almost everyone there was one, two, or all of the above. 

You aren’t all that different. Especially after landing your eyes on possibly the best lay you could have. His eyes round like planets, shining brighter than any star in the sky. His hair is coiffed more perfect than the head of any Ken doll. And his lips, so naturally pouty and biteable, sinking your teeth into his bottom lip would taste sex alone. 

“Ooh, he's a good one. Nice eye.” 

“Em, I can’t,” you say, shaking your head at your friend. “Look at him. He’s too out of my league. What would I even say? Hey, you’re really hot, wanna take my virginity sometime? Are you kidding me?”

“Why the fuck not? You’re hot, he’s hot. You would make the hottest porno ever to exist—if that was your plan.” She adds that last part after seeing the panicked look in your eyes.

“Yeah,” You reply, rolling your eyes. “Hot stud steals V card from loser virgin.”

“There’s a market for that,” she nudges.

“Whatever. I’ll probably just look for someone more approachable.”

“Hey, the worst thing about coming up to him is he says he isn’t interested.”

“And how is that not at all traumatizing?”

“It’s life. Just be willing to walk through it.”

With a bit more convincing, somehow she’s managed to push you toward him. Your sneakers dragged against the floorboards, hands shaking in anticipation. In a split second, his bored gaze lands on you, and a chilling strike runs down your spine. It halts your step. Time slows down as the corner of his lips slowly turns up. His chin lifts up to greet you nonverbally, waiting for you to come closer.

You finally reach him, eyes following you like a hawk, you try to relax in his presence. Emphasis on try because besides the music, all you can hear is the pounding in your chest that travels to your ears. You release a shallow breath before saying “hi,” really wishing now you accepted that drink earlier when you arrived.

“Hi.” His voice was deep, yet mellow. “Having a good night?”

“I think so. You?”

“You can say that.” He briefly nods off to scan the party. “Could be better though.”

“How so?”

“It just,” he simply shrugs his shoulders, “could be better.”

You take a second to think about how you can turn this around in your favor. Strategizing happens to be one of your many amazing qualities. Like a light bulb appearing above your head, you remind yourself of the neighborhood you’re in and how familiar you are with it than you realize. “What if I told you I knew a place we can use a hot tub? No one home, all to ourselves.”

“I’d say, ‘hi, I’m Seungcheol. Pleasure to meet you. What’s this about a hot tub?’”

You make your grand escape from the party to take Seungcheol to a neighbor's house that you’re used to babysitting. As far as you know, they’re on a vacay to the Bahamas and won't be back until next weekend. That means you have all the freedom to hop over the fence to their backyard with an unlikely chance of getting caught.

“So, how do you know this place we’re trespassing?”

“I know the owners. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”

You turn on the hot tub and watch as the bubbles start to form, your smile doing just the same. Your eyes shift from the water to him nervously. “Just takes a few seconds. Meanwhile…” Your fingers fiddle with the bottom hem of your shirt, raising it past your mid-drift. Your nails graze up your sides as your shirt is pulled over your head, revealing imperfect skin, an imperfect body, scantily clad by beige–your safe color–lace and ribbon. “We can’t get our clothes wet.”

It took time for you to give your body the love it deserves and some days you still feel it’s not worth it, but at the end of the day, you’re the one living in it. You had it only in yourself to love it the most, even if you made it the reason you’ve gotten this far without popping your cherry. Your worst critic would always be yourself, after all.

Even in this backyard, where Seungcheol can't even bear to tear his eyes away from you. He draws in a breath, quietly scoffing to himself as he outlines the shape of your body. To him, the evening air smells delicious with the addition of the view. And no, he wasn’t looking at the full moon tonight.

The sensation in his chest deepens when your shorts are released from their top button, falling to your ankles after the zipper is pulled down. “Well?”

He looks up after your eruption of giggles, watching as your toe is first to dip in the warm water. Inch by inch, your body gets submerged, raising your internal body temperature by several degrees. He breaks away from your gaze with a smug smile, finally removing articles of his clothes, starting with his shirt. 

An Adonis body perfectly matching his Adonis face. Chiseled all over, his muscles stood taunt on his figure. He joins, sitting across from you, sharing the heat of the surrounding water, now glistening his skin in the beautiful twilight. You could devour every inch of him.

“This is nice.”

“I told you. Would take this baby out when the kids I babysit are asleep. Let my mind go blank for an hour or two.”

He nods at that, silent after.

“This is actually the first time I brought someone, always too scared about getting caught on the job. Haha.” Why would you say that?

You shut your eyes in embarrassment but tried to get over the initial cringe of your words before changing the subject. “So, do you always follow strangers at the mention of a hot tub?”

“Not always, but I find it better not to question most things. More fun that way. Do you always lure strangers into intimate and private settings?”

“No, but so far I have no complaints.”

He gives you a closed-mouth grin, now making you wonder about the smile he’s hiding behind those lips. “Let’s hope I keep it that way.”

The air is thick with tension, even six feet apart from each other. Most men would pretend not to look, but not Seungcheol. His eyes stayed stuck to you, dark and stormy in stark contrast to the clear skies faintly illuminated by the lawn lights and barely there stars. You are almost sure he wants you at least a third as much as you want him, but he made no gesture in approaching you first, so you dangle yourself in front of him. 

Lifting off your seat, your breasts bounce up from the water it once floated in into the cool, crisp air. You saunter in his direction until you're mere centimeters away from him, supremely conscious of the pure sex radiating off his pristinely large build. “It’s gonna sound like a cliche, but I don’t do this kind of thing. I’m usually a by-the-books person.”

“What’s changed?”

Your hand reaches for his bicep, hard and pulsing under your fingertips, and you pull yourself towards him, knees bent on either side of his thick thighs until you're straddling him. Your eye level ascends until you’re looking down at him, his irises dilating once he sees you and feels your soft curves meet his deep hollows. “You look more fun than books.”

“So what, you’re gonna do things differently with me?” You feel the pad of his fingers ghost over your spine, shivers following, causing you to arch into him with a gasp. “I don’t know if I’m worth all that.”

Your hands trickle on the nap of his neck, threading in his dry hair, and excitement bubbles inside you. “The call I get to make.”

His lips, pink and plump, meet yours when you lean in. Like pillows, they cushion the impact and hug the curve of your lips before they start ebbing with carnage. His hands press into the solid of your lower back, fusing into like a tense thread has snapped loose. Your tongue beckons him for access, cheeks flushed against him. You whimper as he holds you tighter, his erection digging into your crotch, and you can somehow feel how wet you are. You’re wet all over from the water your party submerged in, but the lining of your warmth contains a more viscous fluid.

Eventually, Seungcheol pulls away, earning your bemused expression. “I’m not taking your virginity.”

“What?” You ask, shocked, backing away. “How—Why the hell not?”

“I overheard what you and your friend said. Not very subtle. As to why…you deserve better than that.”

You roll your eyes, “Ugh, you’re one of those guys. Remember that not everyone holds the value of sex to this same high standard.”

“But you do, given you feel so pressured to do it for the first time.” He lays an awkwardly platonic pat on your arm, discomfort apparent on your face, but he shows no sign of caring. “I’m not going to let you throw something…heavy away to someone you met—what, 15 minutes ago—to cater to a societal norm. Depending on the person, they would have hurt you. I could’ve hurt you.”

“Look.” Your hand presses against his bare chest. “I approached you. I chose you. Who I decide to have sex with is up to me. I’m grown enough to make that decision.”

“I’m not telling you to promise your body to someone you plan on marrying. What you deserve is to have it to be with someone special, at least someone you trust. Why would you let me even this close to you?”

You scoff. “You had no complaints when we were making out. So don’t use this generic ass excuse that it should be ‘special’ or someone I ‘trust.’ If you don’t want to sleep with me then don’t.”

“You don’t listen.”

“I’ve complied with most things in my life. This will not be one of them. Now, if you don’t want this, it won’t be you. I’ll move on to someone else…I’d just hoped it’d be you.” You lift yourself onto the ledge, only your feet in the water. “Seeing as this is going nowhere, thanks for wasting my time. Good kisser though. Three stars.”

You’re about to leave when his hand stops at your knee. You look down at him expectantly as he gets closer. “Stubborn too.” He stands in the pool to meet your eyes, lips pursed in an amused smile. “I followed you so no one else would. I plan to keep it that way.”

You raise a brow, unsure where your surge of confidence came from, finally feeling the tremble of your hand as it covers his. “What makes you think after this I plan on staying with you?”

“Because although I won’t be having sex with you, I can give you something just close enough.”

Now both hands are on your knees, lips colliding with yours once more, just as hot and sweet as the first kiss. You moan as his teeth dig into your bottom lip, his hands finding your unbreached heat. Then there's that familiar reflex of pulling away, the situation dawning on you now. You blink back at this beautiful man that takes your breath away just from his mere presence and get that same feeling every other time you come close. “Seungcheol…”

“You backing down on me, virgin?”

“Okay, that hurt.”

He chuckles. “I’m teasing, but not the kind I should be doing.” He lands a kiss on your nose. “I’ll be careful. If you let me, that is.”

“I am. You just make me really nervous.”

“I understand. I won’t do anything you wouldn’t want me to.”

You nod, a little too eagerly. “I want you. I-I’m letting you.”

“Good, then relax.”

He parts your legs further away, hand firmly pressed against your warmth, seizing the oxygen from your lungs, and he kisses you tenderly. Your hand clasps over his cheeks, deepening your liplock, and you feel the courage seep out of his fingers as they push aside your damp panties. His digits glide over your moisture, coating himself in the arousal built over your time together and you feel him smile against your lips. “That’s definitely not water, but I have a feeling you know that already.”

“More teasing?” You ask in a weak breath.

“I’ll make sure it’s worth it.”

He bows his head, his knees hitting the plastic bottom. His hands glide over your thighs, a tingling sensation follows its path. His kiss marks your skin in a way that wasn’t visible, only burning you with an unreplicable heat. His touch—gentle and firm—makes your head go to places you usually go to when you’re alone. His eyes tell you comfort and safety, but conflict with the glint of hunger that shines through.

He kisses the center of your folds, easing at you with light flicks of his tongue. Although delicate, it drives you insane, wanting you just to bury his face inside you already. Patience eventually rewards you as his tongue runs stripes over your bordering thighs—small jumps on your end—then your slit. He coats himself in your translucent nectar, sighing in your heat. Mewls then leave you like a nursery rhyme, haunting yet addictive. “Delectable just as much as you look.”

There’s a slow rise and drop of your chest watching him devour you. His lips purse to your core, darting in you to lap your insides, and you whine from his vigor. Your thighs press against his hot, red cheeks as water splashes around him. You shake—vibrate actually—speaking his name like it was the only thing that makes sense, and somehow you still feel how gentle he is with you. 

This stranger is meant to be a stranger, so why did he make you feel special?

With the curl of his fingers, they plunge in you, feeling how you pulsate around him as he sucks on your clit. You buck into his face, a wreck, hands glued to the edge of the tub in anguish. Your moans are a grand symphony on loop, the background music to the beautiful moment he’s savoring. How you gush feels him with pride, tightening his core as you push his head closer with your knees. “I-I’ma cum…”

He says nothing, only rummaging faster, deeper, holding on to the pace until his gums are filled with your climax, not minding how it makes him a mess. Your hips hit his face in an erratic beat, only settling down after he licks your thighs clean. You gasp in amazement, only for that gasp to be swallowed by Seungcheol as he sticks his tongue down your throat; you taste his promise.

You part in thick, glossy ribbons, eyes fucked from–you still can’t believe you’re saying this–orgasming by someone other than yourself.

“T-thank you,” you say with gratitude you conjured from the pit of your stomach.

“If you really want to thank me,” he leans in closer, “Let me take you out sometimes and I’ll let you experience it all over again.”

#svthub #seventeen smut #seungcheol smut #choi seungcheol smut #seventeen #scoup smut #choi seungcheol #seungcheol #scoups #seventeen seungcheol #seventeen scoups #seventeen x reader #seventeen x y/n #seventeen x you #svt #seventeen fanfic #scoups fanfic #seungcheol fanfic #seungcheol x you #seungcheol x reader #seungcheol x y/n

[understandableparadox]

Bottom of the barrel isekai reviews:

Todays title: Welcome to demon school iruma

hi, im back, tell a friend.

Anyways we will be looking over something populer, and only a few images this time. I want this to be a nice slide back into the mix while I get ready to boil myself alive by reading shitty isekais.

"b-b-b-b-but dox!" you say, your form emaciated and ghoulish from months of little to no attention "how is it an isekai?"

Normally an isekai requires some form of passage into another world through death, but again, we are going to consider any and all portal fantasies to be on-par with isekais. as death and jumping through a funky portal are really kinda the same thing if you think about it.

so! plot synopsis, we open on the titular character iruma! they are being sold to a demon, don't worry this action will be the literal best thing that has ever happened to them. Also, added treat, slavery is not a running theme in this manga! HURRAY! WE HAVE FOUND OVERCOME THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM! HUZZAH FOR MEDIOCRITY! MY DESIRE TO RUN MY HEAD THROUGH A ARC OF GONGS UNTIL THE SOUND WAVES LIQUIDATE MY BRAIN MATTER HAS LESSENED!

anyways we get to know some important plot points between the buyer and the product! (our mc)

iruma is a 14 year old yes man. They say yes to everything, even yes to the idea of breaking child labor laws! as their parents are frivolous unimportant freaks that spend way too much money then bolt, leaving him to work off the debt. Anyways, that's how this happened. they wanted dosh, and our buyer, we will call him grandpa!

Why is he so interested in buying a child? simple! He is rich and wants to have a grandson, unfortunately, he does not have a dick due to war injuries... ok thats a lie, he just wants a grand kid.

Anyways this is a very interesting title in the fact that it is still in a way, a power fantasy, but the power in that fantasy is separated towards other things.

It is a story in which you have the power to be helped. The adults in this manga are actual competent adults, they are there for the protection of the children, they are there to guide, nurture, train and help them grow. Despite differences or annoyances some may have, those are secondary to the ferocity they show when it comes to ensuring the protection of their students.

Iruma does have a lot of “i am the chosen one” but it is not something that automatically aids him in most situations, in fact it is the triad of facts of “I am a human”, “I want to help”, “I am determined” that allow him to rise both in power and social standing. The might makes right idealism of the underworld forced to reckon with people that stop to drag someone across the finish line. 

As for the plot, it goes along a few separate arcs; there is a very clear progression of time as Iruma gets older. Mostly split into two parts. Irumas social life, in which we get to see him become better and better friends with the students and faculty at this school. Showing both the give and take as they both show how far they are willing to go for each other. 

The second half is the mystery and political intrigue of the demonic society at large. The idea of a demon king has gone missing, disciples of which are eager to try and resurrect him as they see no one who is more suitable for the role, opposing forces trying to groom the top students at various schools into the role of king in a contest of disciples. 

I think you should give it a read, its cute, the designs are fun and the power system while simple is still enough to give the action that is there a lot of meat. It's also satisfying thing to read if you just got done with a shounen and you are wondering “where the fuck are the adults? Why are these children doing everything?”

Draw backs. Not a lot but some of the students are essentially drawn as adults and there are parts where you will feel slightly skived out by.

#anime #bottom of the barral #isekai #mairimashita! iruma kun

[sharp-edges]

yes it was the connor post I haven’t read that intently in ages

the connor post nonny is refering too

YESSSSSSS, i cant be normal about him because no one else is able to be normal about him, the part that gets me, that im being really abnormal about at this specific second is him and his family temporarily MOVING TO SWEDEN, when he was 15 so he could train.... that's not normal!!!!! he never had a normal teenage years, we will never have normal adult years, i need to wipe the worlds memory of him and send him to college for two semesters, i need him to throw up in the bushes outside a frat, i need him to regret taking an 8am, i need him to socialize with people who don't play hockey, i need him to be normal. i need the league to teach these kids to take hits, i need them to try and acclimate the kids who don't get sent to a farm team after getting drafted, how many fucking rookies need to get hurt, and take bad hits for the league to finally realize that they aren't doing well by them. how many more players need to use the nhlpa player assistance program before they realize that taking a bunch of children and signing them to multi year contracts and with a schedule that leaves you traveling and away from your non hockey friends and family for months on end is a recipe for unhealthy coping mechanisms, mary @pwhl-mybeloved said earlier that someone sent in 15 duplicate cards to get graded of a kid who isn't eligible for the draft until 2026, the era of social media is putting even more eyes on "generational talents" THIS QUOTE FROM EMILY KAPLAN AT ESPN

Bedard tries to stay out of public when he can, and as he gave me a tour in his off-roader SUV, bumping some top-40 music, it became apparent why. When he stopped at a red light, a car pulled up with four adults who recognized Bedard instantly. The driver honked and waved enthusiastically as the three passengers frantically fiddled with their phones to take photos. Bedard, clearly experienced with this exact scenario, politely smiled back. "There's a bit of buzz, and for me, it's kind of crazy to see some of the things and people I've been compared to," Bedard said. "It's a lot different getting recognized out and about. It's something I'm getting used to. It's supercool feeling the support. But you know ... I'm still a kid." He's understating the buzz.

^^^^^ HE WAS 17!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE ARTICLE GUTS ME

he's too young!!!! we are putting children on too high of pedestals, we make children sign contracts with an organization that doesn't care, not about their physical health, not about their mental health, we are stuck perpetually dooming hundreds of children each fucking year.

people want to be angry at cutter gauthier because he "broke up" jamie and tz but i care that a child (okay hes 20 now… and was 19 when the tarde happened, and he was 18 when drafted) who informed the flyers back in MAY OF LAST YEAR, that he didn't want to sign, WAS DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD!!!!! because the flyers dragged their heels for almost a year and wouldn't take his "im not signing" as an answer!

the fucking amazon tv show "focusing on 10-12 players" will never show any of this shit, the league wants to grow its audience and appeal to a younger and more female audience, but young people are smart, and more people are going to notice, cutter didn't break to mainstream audiences, but this fucking amazon show is going to bring a bunch of eyes, and those eyes are going to look at connor, because there is no fucking way he isnt going to be one of the players they focus on, the league isn't that stupid, and those new eyes are going to see what i see, and i won't be the only person walking round in circles mumbling about gifted children never adjusting.

#asks #anon #connor bedard #cutter gauthier #too i guess #this started out all hahah im abnormal about connor and ended with me screaming about the nhl lack of concern for its youngest players (or #any of their players for that matter)

[party-gilmore]

absolutely wild learning about my austistic leanings later in life because like

my parents just thought i was “eccentric” and found me rather entertaining, weirdness and all (plus their own probably undiagnosed AuDHD making their benchmark for normal skewed anyway) and my mon specifically was always so “mever change for anyone just be you” from a very young age so i just…

never experienced the concept of masking i guess?

Not as masking, I mean.

i would read accounts from autistic people talking about their experiences and struggles and pressure to conform and masking and the mental effects thereof and i would feel empathy because i “went through similar issues” but i th

i thought i was just being bullied for being Weird. just in general. like kids do. that this was a case of “well this sounds a lot like what i go through, but im not actually autistic so it probably isnt my place to join the conversation.”

it just never clicked that, “um. hi. these are the exact same behaviors you do. and there were moments in your life that almost led you to masking. because thats what it would’ve been. masking. but your dumb ass thought it wouldve just been ‘changing how you act and who you are in order to be bullied less’ which okay TECHNICALLY yes that is an accurate if watered down description of masking too, but.

Then you refused to on principle, because bullying is bad and fuck you and got angry about it to the point of overcompensating and INCREASING your Behaviors (tm) until you completely skipped over one of the key experiences that wouldve helped you identify with other people on the spectrum later in life.”

I just rolled through life like a steamroller of righteous, spiteful confidence that my preferences and actions were nobody’s business but my own and vice versa unless they clearly and directly affected others - so much so that I never actually set any kind of benchmark pattern for the way (NT) people around me act.

So I never had a benchmark for masking.

like im going back through all my memories of friendships that soured because i took everything at face value instead of trying to read deeper into cues. because I would always just say what i wanted people to know, straight up. like if i wanted attention i would ask for it if i wanted them to know i was hurt i would tell them. That made so much sense to me i assumed that was the norm. Because clearly. Thats logical. and obvious. So certainly other people are doing the same.

I got blinsided a LOT by the games my school friends and later some early adult friends played, yeah, but AGAIN (see: steamroller of self confidence) I simply assumed that was THEIR problem, not mine, and just… grieved the friendship and hoped for their sake they’d eventually sort their shit out 🤣

I literally thought they were the ones having difficulty with social contracts and cues and relationships.

Then over the past couple years the more I see accounts from other people in the AuDHD spectrum, like “yeah neurotypicals actually [thing i had been assuming was just an asshole trait for years without questioning it], heres what they really mean and a good script for responding” and “its funny how i [exact behavior i did for years] and no one realized i was austistic till later” im like… 🙃

And the last kicker was the post about food touching with the tag response “sometimes masking your autistic traits ends up more autistic than the unmasked trait” and my gut reactions were, in order:

…why would you bother to mask that, why is the way you eat anyone elses business?

i mean i guess it would ease up the pressure a bit, i got bullied for that too, i can see how maybe you wouldnt want to have to put… up with…

…

oHHHH SHIT IS THAT WHAT IT WOULDVE BEEN. IF I HADNT BEEN SO ANGRY ABOUT BEING ASKED TO CHANGE. IT WOULDVE BEEN MASKING. IF I’D KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS. THIS WHOLE TIME.

its just… its just been a series of months of me shaking my head and realizing my entire life has been that meme like “Am I having difficulties connecting socially??? No, it is everyone else who is wrong.”

🤣 girl help

#if its not obvious ofc this is about my personal experience with autism #not trying to say anything about whether its better to mask or not to mask i think thats up to each individual personal and their situation #whatever is most comfortable to them #…not me putting disclaimers in the tags of a personal post just in case anyone takes it the wrong way so i need to clarify #because suddenly i dont trust whether or not my tone comes across as intended anymore and am afraid of sounding arrogant #i bet THAT doesnt have anything to do with the AuDHD at ALL for SURE 🙄

[ceilingfan5]

I lied, here's another AU: fitness class pirates

(5 things au game)

fucking incredible. are they pirates who are taking a fitness class?? is it a modern fitness class dressing up like pirates????? is it a modern fitness class besieged by real pirates?? a fitness class on a cruise ship??????? i have had cruising on the brain...

okay krav is on a cruise with his moms, who were like come wiiiiith us you need a vacation and it would be so nice and krav is like im a full adult- and they were like we'll pay and he was like i'll pack right now

his poor goth ass on this cruise. he is Baking. he is grumpy. he's an alone adult goth man on a cruise with his moms trying not to be Hanging Out 24 sev with his moms but also it isn't like he's a social butterfly. he does Not just want to Go Up to a person and talk to them. OR be perceived being alone. you cannot win. it's like a gacha waifu game, probably. so he's like. fucking structure will maybe fix this. yeah? and he signs up for some events/classes

and shows up to a like, yoga class wearing his black workout clothes on this cruise ship in sunny middle of the ocean with no land on the horizon in any direction and he is sweating so bad his sunglasses are fogging up and he's doing this class and waiting for the sea to swallow him up cause he is not exactly making any friends here

AND then their class on the shiny deck is BESIEGED by fucking?? pirates?? waving too-shiny swords and making very silly pirate noises, and the most handsome man Kravitz has ever seen "takes out" the yoga instructor and they start doing pirate yoga. all themed for the on cruise pirate show of course. it's an ad. damn. krav is not going to get tied up by a pirate. aw.

and taako comes over and brandishes his plastic sword at krav for staring and not doing downward dog and krav laughs and taako forgets his role and they talk and krav is heart eyes and taakos like. come see me after the show. eyebrow waggle. you would not want to get frisky in the crew quarters of a cruise ship but im sure lots of people do. but maybe they can figure something else out. anyway taako's on contract for the rest of the season but they become online boyfriends and there's an emotional airport reunion when they finally get to move in together and- listen-

#5 things au game #thank you #got cruise ships on the brain. i should return to writing cruise fic so i can finally fuckin publish it

[sedittedice]

Tw: vent

So back in like October I got in some drama in a server I'm in (I'm not gonna say what server I'm just gonna say it was the server of an artist I use to really look up to)

But yeah I was friends with one of the mods/server owners friends let's call them Tiffany

So me and Tiffany agreed to ship our wh ocs (let's call the ship MM)

Ok real quick ill just go ahead and make a name list thing:

Server owner: Britney

Owners friend that I became friends with: Tiffany

Ship me and Tiffany made: MM

My friend: Amanda

The server: the Britney server

Other person that shipped their oc with Tiffany's: Megan

Ok so now that that's all cleared up

Let's continue

So it originally started when I made a small vent drawing in the server vent chat

(I covered up the pfps for privacy sakes and for my sake)

But basically it's a vent of my holding my pfp at the time and my face being static with the discord pfps of artists I wished to draw like

I had forgotten to put that this vent wasn't me trying to attack anyone and according to Britney this had made people upset

They never told me who got upset so I couldn't personally apologize to those people

But me and Britney sorted it out and I told them to apologize to the people I had upset since Britney never told me who got upset

They said ok

After a bit , I slowly noticed that Tiffany never drew any MM stuff (which I didn't really mind)

But then I noticed she drew a bunch of ship art of Megan's oc with hers

So I nicely tried to ask/suggest ideas for MM art

As you can see I made it clear that they didn't need to if they didn't want to

But she never replied so I just dropped it

And I slowly started getting more depressed cause Tiffany seemed to be ignoring me and the rest of the Britney server

So I asked my friend Amanda if she could help

So she tried to subtly bring up MM

But as you can see

She got ignored aswell

As I slowly got more and more depressed a few other small problems happened (my writing on a magma was removed and a few people moved their drawings a little for me to fit something)

And just when I thought I couldn't be depressed enough

I got a dm during school from Britney saying they kicked me from the server due to my behavior and stuff

Calling me immature, etc

And since we were no longer in the same server, I couldn't dm back an apology, so I asked my friend Amanda to help me

I then made a vent on here, but they forced me to delete it

They also were taking their friends side saying I was trying to force people and guilt trip people into making MM ship art WHEN I CLEARLY DIDN'T

And THEY NEVER LET THE PEOPLE I APPARENTLY HURT THAT I APOLOGIZE AND SO EVERYONE IN THAT SERVER PROBABLY THINKS IM A FUCKING ASS HOLE

And apparently I was making Tiffany uncomfortable with the MM ship??

WHEN LITERALLY THEY NEVER TOLD ME THEY WERE UNCOMFORTABLE AND EVEN WENT ALONG WITH SOME OF MY SHIP IDEAS

AND NOW IM TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK IN ANY SERVER IM IN CAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED

MIND YOU BRITNEY IS AN ADULT HERE AND I WAS 15 AT THE TIME NOW 16

I GOT BULLIED INTO HAVING EVEN WORSE SOCIAL ANXIETY AND NO ONE KNOWS NOR CARES EXCEPT FOR MY FRIEND AMANDA

ALL BECAUSE AN ADULT CHOSE TO SIDE WITH THEIR FRIEND AND NOT FUCKING CARE ABOUT WTF I HAD TO SAY

AND ISTG BRITNEY IF YOU SEE THIS AND TRY AND MAKE ME TAKE THIS DOWN I AM GOING TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING THAT YOU MIGHT REGRET MAKING ME DO

I HATE THIS SO MUCH

IMAGINE GETTING BULLIED BY AN ADULT

THIS IS THE 2ND TIME IVE BEEN BULLIED BY A GROWN ASS PERSON

I AM FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT

I AM TIRED OF THIS I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY BUT I FUCKING CANT

#womp womp #dice rants #dice vents #i wanna cry so bad

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

hi im in love with literally all your takes and opinions but ESPECIALLY the weird autistic yu being kind of an ass and gaining friends by accident. do you have any other headcanons about him i love this weird dude <3

I absolutely do!! I am a Souji kinnie so I have many opinions on this man and yes I am projecting but (1) I do not care and (2) I do not care.

In the manga (which I have not read yet but I want to) Souji has pretty absentee parents due to their work and he's been forced to move around a lot for them. Imo because of this (+ already being autistic) he's always had a really hard time making friends. He's always been something of a loner, drifting btween people and places without making strong connections because he doesn't know how to form them. By the time of Persona 4 he's kind of accepted his fate of being the odd one out who will float through this town and leave unchanged like he has his entire life.

Only he does make connections this time. Connections that matter. And that's terrifying, because now that Souji isn't alone, now that he knows what belonging feels like, he never wants to lose that again. He never ever wants to go back. Hence his Shadow in episode 26. (I fucking love his Shadow sooo much you don't understand.)

This is a self indulgent one, but I also headcanon that Souji has learned that to keep the fleeting attention of his parents and the people around him, he has to keep up his grades and generally be helpful and accommodating. He values himself on his performance and talents since that's the only way he could receive the attention and love from his parents he wanted so badly. He's not naturally a great student, but he works his ass off to get good grades and do well at school and work and life in general. Basically everything other than socializing and making real connections which he struggles with hardcore because of autism.

Souji has learned from experience that his deadpan statements can be really funny to people, so he leans into that bit of his autism in the hopes it'll get him more acceptance from his peers. It's been hit or miss his whole life since a lot of people are still put off from him and he's started self isolating and stopped actively reaching out, but he knows the deadpan humor usually works better than trying to mask and his friends in Inaba love it and think it makes him charming.

Souji adores children. I think this is obvious considering how many of his social links involve children. In my opinion this is partially him just liking hanging out with kids because they're easier than adults because of his autism, but also is in large part because he remembers feeling abandoned and unloved as a kid and he doesn't want any other kid feeling that way.

Souji is gay. Like, fully homosexual, no interest whatsoever in women. He's known this for a while but he doesn't really know what to do with it since he knows society isn't super cool with it, especially out here in the boonies compared to the city. He's never really cared personally but he starts to care a little once he makes connections and this fact about himself starts to matter. But seeing Kanji start to and struggle to accept himself encourages Souji to accept and embrace that part of himself too, and by the time of the festival he's at the point of "fuck it, I am who I am and people can take it or leave it" and he's confident that if he told his friends they would still accept him.

As for his relationship with Yosuke, I think it's kind of a slow burn thing. He has feelings for Yosuke pretty early on but he doesn't pursue them since he's not really aware of them at first, he just Really Likes his partner and staring at him when he smiles. They are both pining for each other for so long without realizing what's going on because Yosuke's so closeted and Souji's just autistically oblivious of himself.

They both realize what their feelings mean around the same time (when they beat each other up ofc) and Souji is immediately ready to ask Yosuke to be his boyfriend because he's already completely head over heels but he doesn't know if Yosuke is ready for that so he waits for Yosuke to confess first. Which soon enough he does and from that point on they're partners for life.

Souji really, really wants to believe in the goodness of humanity. Like, extremely so. He thinks everyone is redeemable and has a good reason for their actions. So Adachi is completely incomprehensible to him. That's how I read their link in Golden, as Souji desperately wanting to believe that Adachi can be saved and that he has a secret good reason for killing people. Souji wants to understand and save him like he did with his friends. But the truth Souji has to face is that Adachi just sucks. Sometimes people you really liked and connected with just plain old suck. Sometimes people do evil shit for no good reason. Souji really liked Adachi. I think he bought into Adachi's silly act wholeheartedly (because autism) and related to it. So when he finds out Adachi is just an asshole that's really hard for him to accept.

Okay this is way too fucking long but I do think I talked about most of it. Basically, I give Souji a bunch of (my) trauma. Because I love him. Baby boy <3

#if you're curious why I call him souji it's bc of several different reasons. I call the p3 and p5 protag's by their manga names #and I wanted it to remain consistent. I like how souji sounds and it's really confusing calling him 'yu' irl bc it sounds like 'you' #also his ship name with yosuke uses the souji name and it would annoy me to use yu but also souyo bc autism #sera answers #anon #souji seta #yu narukami #souyo

[pansy-picnics]

LANCE IS THE BEST BECSUSE HIM AND EUGENE ARE JUST. THE DADS

Lance sees a mildly upset child and decides he needs to talk to them about it, because he won’t let more kids become like him and Eugene. He notices the way Varian seeks out praise and gives him praise, but encourages him to be proud of himself too. He noticed how Catalina and Angry hoard little things that they steal and offers them safe spaces to have those little things. He noticed how Hugo doesn’t do well with rich people and removing the mask he’s created for himself and invites him on scavenger hunts so he can have some semblance of his old life of scheming. He notices how Nuru tends to take on more than she can handle, as well as trying to “parent” adults and reminds her that Varian and Hugo can take care of themselves, but offers her books about princesses so she can steal read about people like her. He notices Yong struggling to get along with people because he’s loud and bad at social cues and makes it a point to spend time with him, and Lance is never gonna turn down an opportunity to create a good explosion. He’s just got the BEST dynamics, and I feel like after being one of the older kids at the orphanage, he’s good with kids. He remembers what it’s like to be a kid, and he doesn’t want them to have the experienced he did.

GODDDDDDD YES LITERALLY!!!! YOU GET IT!!!!!! IM SO INSANE IM GOING TO. GRRRAGGHGHHGGHHHH. i think lance was truly the first person hugo warmed up to when she moved to corona. like she’s very similar to both him and eugene but i think she and eugene are just Too similar at first and their egos clash a lot. but lance is chill. he’s not as adrenaline seeking and doesn’t have the same egotistical tendencies eugene does. he’s literally just. a dad. and hugo ends up benefiting from that a lot!!!

especially bc i think the idea of having to get to know everyone because of his new connection with varian stressed hugo out a LOT, he’s never been used to having this many connections or associations with people by default and suddenly he feels like he needs to be a part of this family when he’s Not because it’s Not His. they isolated for a while bc of it but lance never even mentioned it. when hugo came out of their slump and truly wanted to make an effort to bond with everyone, lance didn’t say anything. he just welcomed them and let them hang out at their own pace.

hugo messes with the girls like they’re his own sisters and he loves inventing all the stupid stuff for them that varian thinks he’s too good for. he has breakfast with them on weekends and he definitely calls lance dad by accident at least once and he actually is so embarrassed he wants to crawl into a hole and die

GODDD AND YONG AND LANCE………they cook together and yong teaches him all the recipes his mom taught him. yong’s been seen as too much or too annoying by so many people and he’s so happy to just meet a grown up who’s basically JUST LIKE HIM and is PROUD and THRIVING. yong admires lance so much he wants to be just like him and it’s the sweetest thing. and him and the girls are literally best friends. like they are The Trio Ever to me.

and LIKE YOU SAID EXACTLY nuru loves the opportunity to just let loose and have fun and be a dumb teenage girl for a change. yeah team radical is great but like have you ever considered yong nuru kiera and catalina? they’re literally the worst and lance encourages them and its fucking gold

#what if i just started being silly and using he/she/they pronouns for hugo and never mentioned it otherwise #anyways. not abt the rat. #lance tag #tangled ask #ask #pansy rambling again

[waitingonthewind]

Out of all your characters (from games or otherwise), which one do you think is the most like you? In what ways? Was it intentional, or was it an accident you only noticed after the fact?

(Feel free to delete if it feels too personal 🙈)

@undead-potatoes aaaaaa thanks so much for the ask!!! i don't love doing self reflection (i have a hard time in identifying things about myself and often rely on other people to Tell Me Who I Am) but i love talkin about my ocs so this ended up really big

ill pop the majority of this under the cut but here take an unfinished doodle of my first attempt at a fursona in this the year 2023 bc i finally had some insight into What That Might Be for me its a leafy sea dragon bc as a kid i loved dragons and also leafy sea dragons specifically and as an adult i love fish and plants and the colour green ok basics covered here we go

its a really tough one, especially since all my characters have huge parts of me in them (u point to one of my guys and there's a 99% chance they're queer and a 95% chance they're autistic), and the majority of my characters infect me with Their personalities and traits (speech mannerisms especially... i went about 3 years peppering the word gotcha into every other sentence bc of ollwyn. in terms of it being intentional, usually only one or two bits with each character. i try my best to give characters personality traits and interests that differ from my own, or at the very least mix and match bits and pieces.

sometimes i'll try and make characters that are so so different from me but then it backfires because it means that im far more likely to pick up that character's traits (i didn't swear at All in my whole life until i tried making a character outside my comfort zone who Did swear a lot and now fucking look at me). i also don't like doing my Research so going for interests that i don't know a lot about means i don't. know anything about them lmao.

i think it's impossible to have a character that isn't at least Somewhat like you, we draw from our own experiences and ways of seeing the world, after all. i know i put little pieces of myself into every character and it's hard to say if there's any One character that embodies me most.

almost none of my characters really look like me tho

all that being said i've narrowed down my entire list to three of note. all three are dnd or other ttrpg characters bc they're the ones that i find myself having to think most about in terms of how they Think and Feel in any given situation and over time would notice stuff about myself or about them that i didn't realise were related.

i think these days ollwyn wins out personality wise goofy, indignant, lonely, desperate for approval, and loud. they're stubborn and enthusiastic, needs to be centre of attention but doesn't want to take the lead. they don't have many friends but latch onto those they do make. i re-realised my rat dreams because of them. i made em a bard bc i was obsessed with music as an aesthetic.

i made em a half-elf because i didn't wanna be Too out there with character creation (back when i was a terrified lil new rp-er who hadn't touched dnd before and felt i hadn't Earned anything more interesting yet). then magic and stuff happened and they got all the over-the-top design elements i was too nervous to implement initially and even that feels representative of my Own growth in being more Out There with my aesthetics and personality (i.e. completely shutting off my social filter, not toning shit down so much anymore)

oh i know i said none of my characters really look like me but i almost never draw ollwyn with their mouth fully closed and i only realised like years later that it may have been just a mild lil projection of a habit. i got big front teeth and breathing issues and i find it uncomfortable to close my lips Most of the time lmao

my poor unfortunately named aasimar (it was 2018........ i promise...............) takes the cake when it comes to suffering the brunt of my neurodivergence and sensory issues, and represents a significant portion of the judgy parts of myself that i try not to let myself be. strong opinions, blunt, tone issues, big issues with food and touch. comes across as, and often is, very critical. the biggest difference between me and them is that they don't feel bad about those aspects of themself lol

where i spend every moment of my life either desperately concentrating on my wording so as not to come across as rude, or feeling shitty for coming across as blunt/aggressive in tone or phrasing (where 99% of the time i absolutely don't mean it that way im autistic pls im autistic if i wanna be able to get the Right words out the tone doesn't match and vice versa), corona just says what they want or what they think, and if people get offended, that's People's fault for not trying to make more of an effort to understand the way they talk.

sal is my Top Oc Of All Time and as such takes on a lot of random aspects of myself (skin picking, fidgeting, latent anxiety, All of the visual aesthetics i Wish i could pull off, my love of birds, my tendency to Mr Burns Posture my way through life. she's also very very australian), while also inflicting things on me lmao ive learned more about my gender from the years of playing her in her rp campaign than in the rest of my entire life. a lot of her experiences and dynamics with her friends and family reflect a lot of aspects of my own

i only want good things for her and constantly put her through fucking hell

anyway they're all So Much Weirder as people than I can really put on paper and in (relatively) different ways but i just know it all stems from the Who I Am of it all

bonus shout out to beki:

she was my homestuck fankid and first proper oc, which also meant that she was only about two steps away from a self insert. because i made her as a teenager, i feel the distance between us more each year, but im still very fond of her, in the same way i am for my teenage self. i wanna pat her head and tell her she's cool and not annoying and that her friends don't hate her and that things will be okay

i think it says a lot about me that all four of these guys fall somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum (almost in order of least to most aggressively aro/ace. ollwyn's a demiromantic greysexual, corona is demi + grey on both romantic & sexual orientations, sal's pretty much only interested in the One Guy Ever, and beki is sex repulsed, 100% aro/ace) lmao

#ask #undead-potatoes #oc #my oc #character talk #ole two toes sal #beki #ollwyn #i cant tag my aasimar #i just cant #idk if tumblr would block that shit ugh #i named em before it all i swear #ty so much for the ask i love talking abt my fuckin weird lil freaks

[lightyaoigami]

hello im dropping by your doorstep requesting salt with #19 (you’re mad/ashamed/horrified that you actually like …) & #22 (your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores)

19. you’re mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like…

jfjjfhfjsd i'm gonna pull a switcheroo and talk about kpop instead of DN for this one because all my DN proclivities are good and correct actually. my most problematic thing that i like in kpop is that i actually enjoy the toxic speculation and voyeurism and theorizing. like yes they are real people who deserve respect but they are also grown adult celebrities who exist in the public eye and i should be allowed to say that i believe jungkook and taehyung have made out without being crucified. it's nice that fans are so protective of their biases but at the same time like they're grown ups ok?? they smoke, drink, and have sex and that's FINE to talk about imo! they're not made of porcelain. the infantilization is so weird to me and it feels racialized and yadda yadda i feel like i have already gone on far too long about this jdsfjsjdf

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

hmmmm good question, back to DN...i think that it's important to note that light isn't terribly socially adroit...if you take out his internal monologue he's *extremely* quiet, yes he's pictured with friends in the beginning of the manga but he's not like nearly as popular as the authors try to make him out to be. i feel like they kind of lost control of that characterization and forgot to back it up with actual panels. my man is socially coasting on his pretty privilege and that is something that i wish other people were interested in because my eyeballs go to it like a fucking magnet. light is weird!!!!!

choose violence ask game

#ask meme #quicktimeeventfull

[dollfat]

so scared of entering a relationship and being not. good. at. it.

of not communicating, of not recognizing bids for attention. speaking out of anger things i cant take back. feeling like we're opponents trying to win over the other.

im so scared to learn i dont have the energy, the maturity, the experience for a relationship. im so scared of being a burden on my loved one. they feel like they have to teach me. i forget and hurt them.

and of course worrying about this doesnt actually prevent it. you can hurt people without intending to and it doesn't make the hurt less real. im scared of being resentful. im scared theyll feel like they cant talk to me when i upset them because im too sensitive and I'll start to cry. im scared of being taken advantage of my lack of experience. im scared ill think im being abused but really im abusing them. im scared of wanting too much from my friends and partner. im scared I'll only have shallow friendships. im scared my friends will rely on me and I'll let them down. im just some adult baby who needs to be taken care of and told what to do. and of course worrying about this doesnt prevent anything. i shouldve socialized more. i shouldve dated more. in my teens, in my 20s, while unemployed, while working. i dont want to turn a relationship into a lesson. oh well i fucked that up I'll know better next time.

im scared that my default self, when im low on energy, when im not policing my behavior, is bad to be around. im rude and unfriendly, and too much and not enough. and ill only ever be able to relax when im alone.

im scared all this proves it. i cant take criticism and cant improve. I'll just throw a tantrum and pity myself and hope the problem goes away. ill know better next time.

#this is why amabs turn to pick up artist shit #please please tell me what to do in a relationship #what are the rules i dont know tell me what to expect and how to respond #'what other people think of you doesnt matter' of course it does. it matters with every relationship ever #im not a person when im alone. im defined by my relationships with others #i want the relationship to be good. for both of us #im scared that without any obstacles id be exactly the same #im scared of driving into a tree before anyone can stop ne #im scared of living my life in my imagination until i freeze to death in my car after work #i won't be saved by pity #dear diary

[lucy-fake]

thoughts on LSD

tw mental health and discussion of drugs

i have a tendency to fall back into habit. when im the one holding the reins for my life, it's so much easier to just do the same things everyday rather than to perpetually be planning out new things to do. this is problematic for a few reasons. for one, at the end of my life i don't want to look back and realize it was all a monotonous blur. but also, while my autism values having a daily routine, my adhd hates it. if i do the same thing everyday i eventually get bored and cannot bring myself to keep up with it. these two fight a war with each other, and the end result of that war is that i usually end up doing nothing at all.

every time i try to get into a healthy routine i slowly strip away all the little steps in it, one by one. one day i dont want to get up early, because im so fucking tired of getting up early, so i sleep in that day, and then one day becomes two, and then getting up at a set time is no longer part of my routine. i don't have time to take a walk one day, because i slept in late, so i stop doing it for one day, and then one day becomes two, and then taking a walk is no longer part of my routine. this also happens with brushing my teeth, eating a proper breakfast, taking a shower, doing my remote work, etc (i still do these things but irregularly). soon it collapses and all that's left is, i wake up at whatever time i wake up, and then i get on the computer, and when i get too tired to stay awake i go to bed. i eat when i cant go any longer without eating and i shower when i cant go any longer without showering, but those are more hindrances that get in the way of wasting time on the computer. i recognize this pattern but it's difficult to stop it, because it requires no energy to continue wasting time on the computer, and doing anything other than wasting time on the computer would be a devation from the routine i've now settled into. what a mess - even writing this right now is more than i usually do.

when i say wasting time on the computer i do mean wasting time. scrolling social media, chatting on discord, and sometimes watching youtube videos, but rarely anything else. there are lots of productive things i could use a computer for - i could do my work, i could look for other jobs, i could make videos, i could make mashups, i could write stories or scripts, i could learn the new skills i've been wanting to gain. but i don't. i could even do things not typically thought of as productive like watching tv shows and movies i've been meaning to, playing games i've been meaning to, listening to music i've been meaning to, but i'm usually not doing those either. those require commitment, and that commitment to doing something other than nothing doesn't vibe with the routine i've fallen into. besides, if i started a big project and it took longer than a few days to complete, i'd probably get tired of doing that too.

this all makes it out to sound like i'm depressed, and i'm not going to dismiss that as a factor - i have been depressed at points. but while my tone in describing this rut isn't particularly excited for obvious reasons, i'm really feeling fine at the moment. i had the motivation to write all this, didn't i? i think ultimately tho, when you've been alive for long enough to be an adult, it can just become more difficult to find novelty in the same things you've seen everyday for your entire life. there's a massive beautiful world outside but it's a constant unchanging presence so i eventually learn to tune it out. having community helps, but my irl friends are too far away to hang out with more than once a week at most, and all it takes is a few days of not messaging them for it to turn into months of not messaging them. and because this is my own life, i don't have anyone in charge of me who can make sure i do the things that will make me feel better.

…..at this point, if you're still reading, you might be wondering why this post is titled "thoughts on LSD". let's get to that now!! LSD and psychedelics in general are characterized in pop culture mainly as causing you lose touch with reality and get lost in a world of trippy kaleidoscopic hallucinations. that is something that they can do, if you take particularly high doses, and maybe some people take them just for that. but the visuals have always been the most boring aspect of them for me. i'm more interested in the less literal way that they can change how i see things.

i'm writing primarily about acid because while i think mushrooms are great too, i haven't taken a full dose of them in a while, typically just smaller doses while out dancing with friends (which can also do positive things for my mental health, but that's another story). what i like about acid is that it strips away all those feelings of habit. it makes everything seem new to me again. sure, it makes stuff look kinda Weird too, but to me there's a greater sense of appreciating things for what they actually are. there are so many little details to everything you've been conditioned to stop taking notice of. the cracked paint in my room is beautiful, the rustling of trees outside is beautiful, the whole earth is beautiful - this is all still true without the acid, but when i've fallen back into habit, i can forget to pay enough attention to notice it.

on acid those feelings of "i can't do _ because i never do that" are gone too. i'd been meaning to put up the posters in my room for ages but was always paralyzed thinking about how to start it. on acid, i want to put the posters up, so i take them out and start putting them up!! i want to clean my room, so i just get up and start cleaning - it's kinda fun, even!! i want to try out my camera at the park, so i grab my camera and take a walk there and take so many pictures because everything around me is so beautiful !! i don't come up with reasons for why i can't do these things, i just think "why don't i just do it?" and then i do it. and when i think that, i'm right - there's no real reason why i can't do any of these things normally. i just forget that sometimes when i get out of the habit of doing them.

this next bit is something that truly stunned me!! i've been on-and-off practicing my voice training for years and made some amount of progress but never fully got the hang of it. i understood what i needed to be doing to get it to sound better, but it was difficult to actually do it because it's such a departure from the way i've spoken for my entire life. one time on acid though, i forgot the habit of how i usually talk. i was feeling a lot of gender euphoria, and i felt feminine in my head, so i just went to talk and…. it was a perfect feminine voice. the one i had never been able to do. all of a sudden it was coming almost completely effortlessly because i had a chance to start from zero. NOW GRANTED, though i was doing the voice great for the rest of that day and in the next few days while i was in the afterglow from it, that ease did eventually wear off. since then i've been back to on-and-off struggling with being able to get it into the right place. but i'm definitely better off with my voice than i was before, and just the fact that that happened at all renewed my hope for voice training and gave me the push to keep at it.

i mentioned the afterglow in that last paragraph. i'm lucky enough to have not had a bad trip yet, partly because i take set and setting seriously and partly because i've never had a desire to push the dosage too high. so if all goes well during the trip i usually continue to feel good after the lsd wears off - most noticeably for the rest of the same day, but more subtly i'll be feeling rejuvenated for at least a few days afterward and have an easier time bypassing my usual mental blocks. one time i was even feeling wonderful and at peace for weeks after i took it!! but sometimes the next day is just a regular old monday. the afterglow isn't something to bet on, and if you take it often it'll probably begin to feel less and less magical. physically there's not much risk associated with taking acid too often, you can't overdose on it or anything, but liiiiikeee it just generally isn't great to become dependent on a substance to feel normal. plus the fact that it costs money.

in case it needed to be said, acid is not a cure-all!! as my weird transphobic plug once said, you can have the most profound revelations on psychedelics and it won't make a difference if you don't continue to work on yourself when you're sober. that's something i'm still struggling with of course, but i try to keep it in mind. and also this whole post was mainly focused on mental health since that's what's been on my mind recently, but i need to say it - psychedelics are fun!! it's fun to dance on them and watch movies and stuff on them (be careful with what u watch tho) and while you're on them it can just feel like everything is fun!! like, they are recreational drugs, i'm def not in denial about that. but people are already aware of that, and at least for me, they can be really helpful too.

the last thing i want to say is. while i usually try to avoid looking into the mirror on acid (a good rule of thumb, certainly don't try it if u dont know what ur doing), there was one time where i wanted to face myself and i did it. i was looking at my reflection, and at first i thought i looked nice, and my face started to morph to look prettier in response to that. but then the self doubt and dysphoria came in, and my reflection started to look weirder and more masculine. and as i was standing there i asked myself an honest question - "Yes or no, do you believe it that you're a girl?". i thought about it. and the answer was yes. then i asked myself another question - "In spite of all your flaws, do you love yourself?". i thought some more, and the answer was also yes. and in that moment, not only did my reflection become easier to look at, but i felt so much joy and relief. and while i still doubt myself from time to time, when it happens i try to just think back to that and remember. i am a girl, and i love myself.

soooo why am i writing this? um. i dunno!! i wanted to get my thoughts out, share my experiences, thought maybe at least one other person would find it helpful (sorry if you didn't!). tho i do want to make clear that these are just my experiences. if reading this makes anyone want to try lsd, please dont just rush into it with no further research. i've had great experiences on it, but some people have absolutely terrible experiences on it. even if you don't have a bad trip some people just might experience the drug completely differently than i do and wonder what the hell i'm talking about. it depends on so many personal factors. if you want to learn more, here is a good place to start:

#ramble