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doodlboy · 8 months

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ANYWAY

*grabs the handful of ppl who liked my hypmic oc post*

It is time.

Under the readmore bc this is probably gonna be an essay

Ok, so note, I literally started making this guy bc I was going to draw him 4 a meme that he's the "excuse me, they asked 4 no pickles" kinda guy and specifically he'd b that guy 4 jyushi who at the time of me making, was older than my oc which is funny 2 me

Anyway ×2

I made moodboards bc im too tired 2 draw detailed stuff rn, his current filler name is Pink, bc of his hair

1 4 his hair ⤵️ & 1 4 his outfit ⤵️

Also, this doodle of me attempting 2 convey the hair I'm thinking of, dunno why he's so desaturated but whatever

His hair is white-blond in the front and a reddish pink in the back, I haven't decided if that's bc of dye or if it's like doppo and hifumi w their two-toned hair.

- street kid who got abandoned by his parents "going traveling" 2 Japan and basically leaving him there 2 fend for himself

- I still need 2 do more research but I'm thinking as far as a division goes, he'd be from Seto Japan bc⤵️

- he almost gets arrested 4 graffiti[ing??] murals & an elderly classical artist [pottery artist maybe since that's a thing in seto] more or less bails him out & takes him in

- the old fella essentially becoming a mentor 2 Pink, teaching him how to express himself of canvas since he had a knack 4 it. Pink doesn't learn all that much in the way of typical schooling tho, so he speaks with a kinda rough accent

- typical mentor story tho, the old fella didn't have any other family and took Pink in like a son so when he eventually passed he left everything 2 him including a little studio where Pink lives

-----------

Anyway×3 idk where go from 2 get 2 these parts of the story

- winds up in Yokohama & makes fast "friends*" w the local yakuza

[*they insult each other a lot of the time, like samatoki calling pink two-toned brat & pink calling samatoki mr.rabbit bc of him being so insistent on ppl calling him honorifics, his stage name Mr. HardCore, & the fact pink thinks he looks like a white rabbit. Despite insults, they actually agree on a lot of things.]

- Pink's rap style is- really erratic tbh, he's good but if u aren't paying attention you will get lost

- Additionally, his rap ability is called "Framed," similar to Jyuto's Prison ability, Pink freezes opponents in paintings of themselves [but the twist is that the paintings r how he sees them so he hardly uses it bc ⤵️]

- He's a bit of tsundere dumbass. Any affection shown is off-handed. "Yeah, whatever, I got your favorite, ya mention it so much it's hard to forget" kind of off-handed. And he has massive respect 4 the other divisions [& since the music from the game exists in canon, he also knows every song very well].

- Which is why he uses his framed ability sparingly, bc it reveals his true emotions, not just 2 the opponent he used it on, but everyone else, too. [Specific ex is samatokis painting being a like- a fuckin fancam type deal, or Rei's painting being actual shit bc he hates deadbeat dads.]

- Anywayx4, he's abt 22/23 & takes the younger members of divisions under his wing since his indifferent 2 all the beef going on between them.

- Esp jyushi bc isth that kid would just not eat if a fast food restaurant fucked up his food, so pink and kuko r the "he asked for no pickles" duo, 1 is quiet & kinda bitchy lookin and the other 1 is loud as hell, but after they fix the food pink still tips em & apologizes 4 kuko yelling sm unintentionally

Anyway ×5 that's all I got rn ty 4 coming 2 my oc tedtalk

#elliot rambles #oc #oc rambling #hypmic oc #pink oc

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fuyuesu · 1 year

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t4t4t au 1) aizo and hiyori and yujiro are closeted in public but out online,,, they become internet friends while oblivious to the fact that they know each other...

aizo and yujiro are fairly convinced that hiyori's job is illegal because she refuses to ever go into detail about it except for the really pretty girls there she admires so much and they're going "HIYORI PLEASE SAY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INDUCTED INTO THE MAFIA BECAUSE YOU SIMPED FOR THESE GIRLS TOO HARD" (oblivious to the fact that it's them)

aizo and yujiro keep complaining about the bitchy yet hot girl from work and the cute yet stupid new guy at their job,,, they never notice that they're describing each other and hiyori... hiyori guessed that yujiro works at a cosmetics store (because he knows a lot about makeup for work) and he never corrected her... while aizo only vaguely describes his job as "selling cds and merch" which. kinda!

this is because i want the hilarious dynamic of accidentally giving your crush love advice about yourself. i think it'd be funny if the advice all conflicted too. aizo and yujiro warn hiyori that "the hot girls from work" are trying to scam her, only to then complain about "help the cute boy from work doesn't notice i'm hitting on him"... hiyori is like "wow, that guy sounds so oblivious... you should make your flirting more obvious" and then screams "HELP HELP HELP THE GIRLS AT WORK ARE SO UNINTENTIONALLY FLIRTY. I KNOW THEY'RE TREATING ME LIKE A GAL PAL BUT I CAN'T HANDLE THIS IT WAS SO HARD NOT TO BLUSH OR STARE"

god please im so enamored with this !!! the identity shenanagins of it all !!!!! the TRANSGENDERISMS of it all !!!!!!!! fantastic au

#melty answers #haniwaposting

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comradekatara · 3 years

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So new to tumblr, legit made this for asks. In your Azula redemption timeline do you not think Zuko also needs to apologize to her? He's quite aggressive to her and views her as a rival rather than sister, not helped by her ofc. Just from what we see in the show there's no real reason for his raw hatred? Her journey seems very one sided without acknowledging that others harmed her as well.

wow, that’s dedication! and this is an interesting question.... I don’t think the idea that “there’s no real reason for his raw hatred” is necessarily true? like, you’re right in that he views her as a rival, but that’s because ozai deliberately pitted them against each other. azula’s survival hinged on zuko’s failure. he was the scapegoat to her perfect princess (literally), and he knew it.

of course he’s gonna resent her when he views her as an extension of ozai; she may not have been the one to burn his face, but she cheered on his burning all the same. of course, azula was also being abused, and zuko’s status as Loser Older Brother was necessary for her survival. but from zuko’s perspective, “you can’t treat me like zuko!” (an indubitably heartbreaking line) doesn’t mean all that much, does it, considering that, well, he’s zuko.

even if he gets over his resentment of azula, im not sure he would ever think he was wrong at the time for trying to take her down, since she was working as an agent of the fire nation, ranking second only to the firelord. of course, he was too for a very long time, so it’s not like he can’t empathize with why she was the way she was, also shaped by ozai’s abuse. but like..... does he owe her an apology for fighting fire with fire?? for not being a perfect, understanding brother to a sister who banked on his misfortune??

besides, a lot of their violence is typical sibling (especially in an abusive household) lashing out at each other magnified to the level of national conflict simply because of their positions within the state. even when they literally try to murder each other, siblings don’t really apologize for past transgressions. the best you can hope for is that they let it go and move on. take it from someone with brothers; they won’t apologize for hurting you, and they never will.

and what would an apology from him even look like? “sorry for being angry at you while you were trying to ruin my life and kill my friends.” “sorry for unintentionally giving you mommy issues because our mother preferred me more, not that it is my fault because I was a guileless child at the time.” “sorry for being suspicious of your intentions when you were shamelessly manipulating me.” yes he caused her harm, but only because he felt forced to, the same way she did him (again, the real culprit is ozai).

I’ve said before that iroh owes azula an apology, and I stand by that. he was an adult, and he should have recognized the way that his brother was abusing his children (before the events of the agni kai). he tries to rectify this egregious oversight with zuko, whom he recognizes as someone who can be set on the right path with the right guidance, but he deems azula beyond saving, which yeah, is pretty shitty of him considering that she’s basically a younger version of him (only she took ba sing se when she was 14 with only two friends lackeys for backup what’s good uncle?)

but zuko was also a kid, rightfully mistrustful and resentful of azula. an apology for not trying to empathize with her more while being pitted against her by ozai’s hand would be nice, but it’s not actually needed, considering that there’s nothing else in that circumstance that he could’ve done. yeah, asking katara to help “put azula in her place” is a pretty bitchy thing to say, but what was he supposed to do? be like “katara, how would you like to help me set up azula with the right mental health services to guide her on her healing journey???” lmfao please

#randomblogforasks #asks #azula #zuko #azula&zuko #hot takes #because uhhhh....... this is contentious #I know ppl have Opinions on this matter lmao #but idk. zuko didn’t rly have any feelings abt azula that arent 100% understandable #considering the fact that she was constantly antagonizing him #lmfao #like that single line in sozins comet is probably the most unwarranted thing he says #and really I think that’s just him & katara being mean bitchy besties together #they both called ty lee a circus freak too #they’re a coupla bitches!#they’re teens it’s fine #like idk #he was just doing his best #it’s zuko so like. his best isn’t always great. but he was doing HIS best #and that’s what matters #zuko: sorry for not being SOKKA #azula: YOU SHOULD. YOU SHOULD BE SORRY .#no.1 reason azula hates katara is bc she has sokka for an older brother and yet does not appreciate this enough #no.2 reason is bc katara has better hair than her and she is unspeakably jealous #no.3 reason is bc katara kicked her ass twice and that huwt her feewings!!!!!!#anyway

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ncssian · 4 years

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A Favor: Part Two

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: im so sorry i know i need to start editing these

***

Nesta stands in her guest room at Cassian’s cabin, hands on her hips as she eyes the garbage bags full of things she managed to salvage from her old apartment.

All of her rain-soaked clothes sit in two huge bags, waiting to go through the laundry, while her books are carefully spread out on the windowsill, floor, and anywhere they can catch enough sunlight to dry their pages. Nesta almost cried when she saw that Lorene had salvaged her few adult coloring books and the art supplies to go with them, still dry.

For a brief moment, she’s glad she didn’t buy any physical copies of her textbooks this year— the loss of that money would be too much to bear.

A brief knock sounds at her door, and Nesta spins to find Cassian standing there, laundry basket in hand. “I can take your clothes down for you if you want,” he offers, lifting his own basket with a hand.

Nesta’s lips tighten. He wants to do her laundry with his. Their laundry will get cleaned together. Her underwear will get tangled up with his.

Cassian’s brow furrows. “Nesta?”

This is her new reality now. She’ll have to accept it at one point or another.

“We can do separate loads if you want,” Cassian adds. “Feyre told me you— well, she said you might be more uncomfortable with some things than others. It’s totally fine if you don’t want your clothes mixing—”

“No.” Nesta finally snaps out of it. “I don’t care about the laundry. My clothes are right here.”

Because she has a sneaking suspicion she might be being unintentionally bitchy again, Nesta helps Cassian drag her bags of drenched clothes downstairs.

“I feel sort of bad for bullying you into this deal,” Cassian rambles as he dumps clothes into the washer. “Which is why I need you to know you can enforce whatever rules and boundaries you want while you’re here. If you’d prefer I never speak to you for the rest of your time here, I can manage that, too.”

Nesta looks at him with a hint of disbelief. Sometimes he says the oddest things. “I don’t want you to never speak to me again.”

There’s relief in his sagging shoulders. “That’s good,” he says as he pours out detergent. “I mean, I was a little worried you were against this so much because you hated me, but you don’t know me enough to hate me, do you?”

Hate. Nesta rolls the word over her tongue, tastes the hard corners of it, and decides it doesn’t fit for Cassian. Not even close. She wonders how to articulate this to Cassian.

She settles on: “You seem nice enough. Obviously, since you’re letting me live in your luxury mountain cabin for free. But I don’t want to set any boundaries while I’m here. You shouldn’t have to change your normal lifestyle just for a guest. Do whatever you want; it’s your place.”

Cassian presses a button and the rumble of the washing machine begins. “I want you to be comfortable,” he says, turning to face her completely. “Whatever you need, Nesta, seriously.”

For starters, it would make Nesta comfortable if he didn’t say her name like that. His earnestness makes her skin itch, but she’s not going to tell him that.

Instead, she bravely lifts her chin. “I’ve been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I don’t think I know how to find my way back.” The honest truth. “At this point, you might as well keep me out here.”

Cassian’s eyes narrow. “If you don’t tell me what things bother you, I’ll have to find them out for myself, you know.” It sounds like a challenge.

“Go ahead,” Nesta deadpans. She doesn’t know what Feyre’s told him about her, but contrary to popular belief, Nesta isn’t a glass doll. Sensitive, high maintenance, yes, but fragile? Never.

She turns on her heel and leaves Cassian in the laundry room, determined not to let her circumstances get the better of her while she stays here.

***

Cassian takes everything back. He’s obsessed.

He can’t pinpoint the exact moment, how or when or why he decided he likes Nesta. Maybe it was an amalgamation of different things, but by the time she settles onto his living room couch with a box of takeout Thai food, it’s safe to say he’s fascinated.

She’s nothing like how Feyre talks about her. She’s barely anything like the woman he met at the dinner party two years ago. The problem is, Cassian hasn’t pinpointed what she’s like. There’s still too many walls in place, but here, as she slurps noodles unabashedly while watching TV with an intense fixation, she’s softer than he’s ever seen her. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t feel the need to defend herself to a sitcom; there’s no self-consciousness, only a deep focus on the Community episode they’re currently watching.

Cassian splits his focus between offering commentary in an attempt to make Nesta laugh and observing her reactions from the corner of his eyes. A few things he’s noticed so far: 1) Her cheeks bulge like a squirrel’s when they’re full of food; she seems to have no shame about this. 2) She isn’t inclined to respond to Cassian when he makes comments on the show, but the corners of her mouth tilting up imply that she likes it anyway. 3) She watches sitcoms like she’s studying for a final exam about them.

When the episode finally ends, she turns to him and glances at his hands. “Are you going to eat that?” she says.

Cassian glances down at his untouched container of food, a little surprised, but hands it over to her without a fight. He can’t pretend it doesn’t do something to him to see her eyes light up over something as simple as curry and rice.

Nesta’s poking her chopsticks around the box when she notices Cassian watching. “What?” she says, immediately on the defensive.

“You eat funny,” he admits. Her brows furrow so deeply he thinks they might create a permanent indentation. He’s quick to add, “It’s adorable. Seriously.” It isn’t something he would have said yesterday, but he’s taking Nesta’s words from the laundry room to heart. He won’t put a damper on his personality as long as she can handle it.

Her hand comes up to self-consciously touch her cheek, but she quickly drops it. “Play the next episode,” she says as she picks up her chopsticks again, and that’s the end of that.

***

Cassian wastes no time coming up with ways to push Nesta out of her comfort zone, just as he promised. The next morning, he greets her downstairs in nothing but a pair of sweatpants. Nesta takes a long, slow blink at his bare torso, muscled arms, and brown skin, and turns around to get started on making breakfast. It’s not good enough— he catches a glimpse of her reddened cheeks when she reaches for the milk container anyway.

It’s only until they’re both settled in the living room after dinner that he realizes he doesn’t have the upper hand he thought he did.

Nesta is stretched out on her stomach on the Persian rug in an oversized tee and nothing else. Her bare legs swing in the air behind her, and she’s listening to music and coloring.

Cassian’s unanswered emails sit abandoned on the phone in his lap. He truly can’t stop staring; there’s just too much to absorb.

For starters, she wears glasses. Big, round, gold-rimmed glasses that are almost slipping off her nose at the moment. That revelation alone is so affecting that he has to quickly move on to other, smaller details. Like the sound of her uncapping different markers and filling in smooth lines on the page before her. Cassian feels a desperate desire to see what she’s coloring. Her hair is up in a ponytail, and her legs…

Cassian can’t say that ever since he first took notice of the beauty mark at the corner of Nesta’s lush mouth that he hasn’t wondered where else on her body she might be hiding little moles and freckles. He just never expected to get an answer so soon. Because right there, where her shirt rumples up to reveal her bare thigh, is the smallest dark spot.

He wants to put his mouth on it.

His own thoughts take him by surprise, and he realizes he’s gripping his phone so hard the screen might crack.

He uncurls his fingers from the phone and squeezes his eyes shut against the wave of desire crashing into him. Desire and something else, something achingly fond and frustrated at the same time.

“Cassian?” The sound of his name has his eyes snapping open. Nesta’s watching him, brow furrowed. “Are you feeling okay?” she asks.

He feels stupid for trying to play this push-and-pull game with Nesta, because it’s barely even started and he’s already losing. “I’m gonna go put a shirt on,” he mutters, moving to get up.

Nesta’s lips turn down a little. “And ruin the view?” She says it completely seriously, not a hint of slyness to her words.

Cassian’s ass falls back into his seat in pure surprise. His eyes widen. “Was that a joke?” Did Nesta Archeron just make a joke?

Her frown turns deeper. “I don’t think so. Was it funny?”

“It was teasing.”

“Then it wasn’t a joke.” She shrugs and returns back to her coloring. “If you put a shirt on, I’m putting my pants on,” she says without looking up.

Cassian has absolutely no idea what he’s gotten himself into. But he doesn’t move from the couch for the rest of the evening.

***

By the end of the weekend, Nesta has gotten the hang of being around Cassian. There are several occasions in those first couple of days— slips of the tongue, really— where she pauses in trepidation, worried she’s said or done too much. She is always doing too much. But then Cassian grins, or laughs, or as of more often lately, teases her right back, and her muscles can relax again.

He has also relaxed around her. Nesta knows that quiet front he put up when they first met was partly for her benefit, because the more comfortable they become with each other, the more he reminds her of the Cassian Feyre’s always talking about. And yet, the person he is with her is nothing like the person she’s seen hanging around Feyre’s inner circle. This person doesn’t make her feel excluded or ignored. It’s the exact opposite— she hasn’t been on the receiving end of this much male attention since Tomas.

And as much as it surprises her to like it so much, she’s not in the mood for his particular brand of teasing at seven in the morning on a Monday.

She stumbles into the kitchen fully dressed and more than a bit disgruntled, needing the strongest cup of coffee available to get through her morning classes today. Cassian is already sitting at the island with his laptop, and raises his brows to see her up this early. He dares to smile at her before the sun is even fully up. “Glad to see you woke up ready to play, Nesta.”

Nesta almost throws her empty mug at his head. “Don’t talk to me,” she says, thumping her mug down beside the coffeemaker.

Taunting becomes questioning as he eyes her outfit. “You have somewhere to be at this hour?”

“I’m a law student,” she grumbles, punching buttons on the coffeemaker. “I have morning classes three days a week.” It’s unacceptable, but it isn’t the worst thing she’ll go through as she tries to get her J.D.

Cassian sits up straight at that. “Who’s taking you to class?” Her car is still in for repairs, and she has yet to rent one to make up for it.

“I’m Ubering,” she tosses over her shoulder.

“That’s ridiculous,” Cassian says. “I’ll drive you.”

Nesta spins around at that. “No way in hell.” She throws whatever bite she has into her refusal.

Cassian is unfazed. “It’s on my way to work.”

“You work from home.” He’s not even dressed.

“Then today is the day I’ll make a stop at corporate headquarters. My subordinates get to see my pretty face for once, you get to go to class, and we all win.” He grins, and in this moment Nesta truly hates his grin. It lights up his whole face in a way that should be illegal. He’s probably robbed banks with that grin.

Nesta doesn’t have the brain capacity to argue with him. She doesn’t even feel like criticizing the fact that at twenty-seven, Cassian runs the entire security division of Night Court Inc. thanks to the help of the CEO, also known as his adoptive brother.

She’s never met anyone who makes nepotism look so good.

Grabbing her steaming coffee mug and taking a deep sip, unflinching at the feeling of her tastebuds being burned away, she meets Cassian’s expectant gaze. “Get dressed.”

***

When Cassian texts to ask her when she’s getting out of class, she doesn’t expect him to actually show up outside the law building with drinks and a paper bag of food. She has to stop and glance around for a moment, as if he could possibly be here for somebody else.

Approaching him cautiously, Nesta takes the cup holder from his hand and inspects the contents. A green tea and a rainbow-colored slushie. She looks back up at Cassian, and he smiles. “Shall we?”

They end up settling under the shade of an oak tree on the lawn outside where her Principles of International Law class is held. “So how was your day?” Cassian asks as he bites into a burrito.

Nesta can’t remember the last time someone asked her that and sounded genuine about it, and she almost doesn't know how to answer. “It's noon,” she says.

“Fine. How was your last four hours?”

“Nothing more interesting than yours.” She eyes his outfit at that. She’s never seen Cassian in this manner. Work Cassian wears expensive buttondowns tucked into slacks. Work Cassian must use some kind of fancy product on his hair to make it so flowy, because for the first time ever, he looks exactly like the amount of money he makes. “You look so...adult. I’d almost buy it if you didn't have the taste palate of a five year old.” Nesta sips from her tea.

He actually rolls his eyes at her. “You wish you had what it takes to handle an every-flavor-slushie.” Because that's what he’s drinking, a heart attack in a 32 ounce cup.

“That's bait, and I’m not falling for it,” Nesta says through a mouthful of burrito.

“You don't need to.” He offers the drink out to her. “Try it.”

Nesta stares at the cup, chewing slowly. Usually the thought of sharing a straw with someone would disgust her, but—

She just wants to know how it tastes. Swallowing quickly, she grabs the drink. “Whatever,” she mutters, and wraps her lips around the red straw.

Cassian watches intently as she takes a deep pull. Ten different flavors hit her tongue at once, and she thinks her brain spasms. She's too tough to make a face, and swallows the slushie like it's nothing.

“You like?” Cassian looks hopeful.

Nesta slams the cup down. “It’s disgusting. My point was proven.”

He laughs. “Weak.”

More easy moments pass like this before he says, “I wish you came around Feyre’s more often. I could have gotten to know you earlier.”

Nesta stills, food halfway to her mouth. “What do you mean?”

Cassian shrugs. “It just seems odd that we’ve talked more in the last three days than in the last three years I’ve known of you. Why don’t you hang out with Feyre like Elain does?”

She stiffens, and considers whether the conversation is even worth continuing. “Feyre’s always with you guys,” she chooses her words carefully. “There’s rarely time left for me.”

She waits for Cassian to tell her that sharing exists, and that she’s allowed to be at Feyre’s place with Feyre’s friends at the same time, but he just watches her patiently. Waiting for her to go on.

“Besides, I used to come over all the time before my sister moved to Velaris. You were there, too.”

“I was?” That gets his attention; he drops his food and turns to face her fully. “What are you talking about?”

Nesta nods, but an odd, old feeling is bubbling up in her chest. It tastes hard and a little sad. “I doubt you noticed, but I was there. In the background while you guys got drunk or laughed together.”

He huffs an odd sort of laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous. I would have noticed you from a hundred foot radius from Feyre’s apartment. We’ve only seen each other twice before this weekend.”

Nesta is caught between disbelief and disappointment, but she hides it well with a scoff. “We’ve only spoken to each other twice, idiot. I’ve seen you plenty of times.”

Cassian looks like she just came up to him with scientific evidence that the sky is green and grass is blue, and he can’t wrap his mind around it. “That just doesn’t make sense,” he says.

Nesta raises a brow. “Are you implying I’m lying?”

He shakes his head quickly. “No, but— it’s like you’re saying I failed to notice a fucking lion in the room every time I didn’t see you. It’s just not something someone fails to notice. It’s impossible not to notice!” He throws his hands up.

You’re impossible not to notice. Nesta has no idea what to make of that, or whether she should be insulted or not. He didn’t say it with the same backhanded tone as so many of the people she knew in high school, but it didn’t sound like high praise, either. On the other hand, the words are so ironic they’re almost funny.

She settles for a shrug and begins sweeping up her napkins and trash. “Well, it isn’t impossible for a lot of people.” The look she throws him says clear enough, Including you.

He works his jaw, seeming upset, but helps Nesta up from the ground anyway. Walks her all the way back to his truck in near-silence and drives them home.

A/N: you’d think the ‘ready to play’ line was a cute reference but i actually just suck at writing banter so i needed to borrow from sarah.

tagging: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @sensitiveillyrian @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy

if you want to be added or removed please send an ask or dm!

#nessian #nessian fic #ncssianwrites #nesta archeron #cassian #a favor

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negasonicimagines · 5 years

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Hello / Wonderwall

good fucking night I haven’t posted in like a bajillion years I’m so sorry jdklfldkfjs “anyways here’s wonderwall” (lol anyone remember that meme) anyways this is inspired by two things

1) this request: i just listened to adele and my heart is shattered and my angsty soul loves it so could i ask you to write ellie x reader where they're not dating but reader has a crush on ellie and she finds out but neither of them want to be in a relationship because 'feeling things sucks and i dont wanna' something like that because they're both really closed off tough people. and they love eachother and dont want to and its complicated and ugh ANGSTY. im really sorry i hope you're having a great day!!😀💞💞 [btw sorry if i didn’t fill this properly i did my best but my writers’ block is literally THE WORST and has been for a really long time(duh)]

2) This really cool mashup of Adele’s “Hello” and everyone’s favorite Oasis song, “Wonderwall.” It fucking slaps and TOTALLY suits this imagine. If there’s any way you could listen to it and read this at the same time, I recommend it. It’s what I listening to when I was writing it (that and Adele’s “Chasing Pavements.”)

Anyways, enjoy! Who knows when the next one’ll be out, amiright?

Ellie didn’t like love. Even platonic or familial love was shrugged off. It just… Wasn’t her thing. It was too dangerous for mutants, the world. Forget emotions.

You’re new here, at the school. Wade’s forced you to quit your previous line of work, saying that “you’re too damn young to be killin’ people for a living!” You’d rolled your eyes, but agreed that a break would be nice. So, now, you’re being shown around by a charmingly bitchy girl that’s around your age, maybe a smidge older.

“This is the art room, and, um, that about covers it. So, uh, just go away now.”

“Are you not going to show me where my room is?” You ask, letting your eyebrows arch skeptically.

“And how would I know where your room is?” She inquires in response. Where she was the rude kind of standoffish, you were the polite, distant type.

“It’s the same as yours, Negasonic,” you carefully inform her, gauging her reaction.

“It’s- It’s what?”

“Did no one tell you?” you wonder. “That’s weird.”

“Very. Whatever, come on. At least you’re not extra annoying,” she sighs, and you follow her down to the dorms, your suitcase rolling behind you.

“Thanks,” you chuckle a little, and she twitches, her eyes flickering to yours for a moment. The ghost of a smile phases across her lips, disappearing just as subtly as it appeared.

“Alright, now…” She looks at her phone. “Yeah, now, it’s time for training. Depending on your mentor, you’ll have different times. Who’s your mentor?”

“Oh, uh, Emma Frost?” You tell her looking at your schedule.

“You’ll be with me, then. Training with me. Piotr and Ms. Frost’s students train together, I guess because they both have weird skin. Emma’s is temporary, but still. Let’s move.”

“Okay,” you respond, walking with her to the gym.

“If you need any sort of protective gear, it’ll be in the closet by the entrance.”

“I think I’ll be alright,” you say, taking what she said more as a challenge than a helpful tip. She scoffs, rolling her eyes.

But when you catch a glimpse of the light smirk she’s wearing, electricity sparks through you. (Not literally, don’t worry. Your mutation is different and not embarrassing in that way.)

Two weeks later, you and Ellie are fast friends...And maybe more.

“Gaga okay?” she asks.

“Duh!” you respond, scrolling through your twitter feed. “So, whose stans are we trolling tonight?”

“What’s your mutation, anyway? You never did say.”

“Ah, it’s lame,” you brush her off.

“Wade doesn’t think it’s lame… But that’s not really saying much, is it? Damn, sorry,” Ellie chuckles. She smiles more around you than anyone else, but you’re not sure why. Not yet.

“I just… People tend to think less of me when they hear. It’s a bit destructive.”

“You did not just say that to me,” Ellie delivers a surprisingly good rebuttal.

“Well, uh… Basically, by coming into direct contact with it through touch, I can temporarily gain access to their abilities and sometimes even their knowledge. If I consume it, it lasts longer or can even be permanent. Kinda perfect for a kill-for-hire. Not so much for a normal high school girl, though,” you admit shyly. Ellie’s dead silent.

You look to your crush, nervously, and she looks awe-struck.

“That’s so fucking cool. I wish I could become stronger by giving someone a bloody nose. I’d do it all the time. No wonder you killed people for a living.”

“If only everyone saw it that way,” you tell her with a relieved smile. “I can’t believe the stoic Ellie Phimister just called me cool.” Don’t blush, Y/N, don’t blush, you beg yourself.

“Don’t let it get to your head. I once called Wilson cool.”

“He’s not so bad. He’s the reason I’m here.”

“He is?” Remind me to thank him, she thinks. “Hey, listen. I know we didn’t get off to the best start, and uh… I just wanted to say that… I think you’re really awesome.”

“Well, thank-”

“No, that’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say is that, uh… I’m not really much of a romantic or anything, but I really like you. And I normally wouldn’t ever tell a girl that I liked I like her, because then she would stop talking to me and also hate me forever, I think. But you seem… Different.”

Oh shit. You’re glad your crush likes you back, but...I know what I have to do. I just fucking hate it. “Listen, I’m sorry for giving you the wrong impression, but I don’t like you that way. At all. You’re just my roommate that I really like as a friend. We probably wouldn’t even be friends if we weren’t roommates.”

“But we are roommates.”

“Then I should probably change rooms.”

“Wow. I never thought I’d be the asshole who turns into a, well, a fucking asshole when I get rejected, but I guess I am that kind of asshole. Maybe it’s because I know you’re full of shit. Fuck you, Y/N.”

You sigh, and she turns the music off as you leave the room, making your way to the offices. It’s the early evening, so it’s likely either Jean Grey or Professor Xavier is still in their office.

An hour later, you return. Your efforts were fruitless.

*Guess it’s likely time to make with the apologies, see if she’ll at least treat me with civility after the stunt I pulled.*

“I tried to get a room change. It looks like there isn’t anywhere else for me to go.”

“Then just get out of the school, you murderous scum,” Ellie fires.

*Guess not.*

“Oh shit,” you say, trying not to let the hurt show. She knew how insecure you were, how you just knew that’s what everyone here really thought about you. You’d told her that. Foolishly opened up to her, knowing it’d end like this, or worse.

But in the end, you knew you deserved it for pushing her away. Shattering her blackened heart.

“You’re right. I’ll start packing my things now.”

*Wait,* Ellie thought, but her pride had its hand over her mouth. Don’t go. Don’t be like everyone else.

But, faster than she thought possible, you’re out the door. Guess you hadn’t taken root in this place as deeply as she’d fooled herself.

There’s a knock on the door about ten minutes later.

“Go away!” Ellie yells, throwing a random textbook at the door.

“Why did Y/N leave?” Wade asks through said door.

“Because she’s a stupid fucking liar! Go away!”

“Oh yeah? Well, that stupid fucking liar is gonna get us both in trouble if she we don’t retrieve her, so get the hell up, Negasonic Punkass Mean Teen Queen!”

Ellie begrudgingly gets off her ass and opens the door, hoping that Wade doesn’t notice the eyeliner that’s lightly stained her cheeks, or, at least, that he doesn’t point it out. He seems to have enough courtesy to do at least the latter.

“Tracked her phone to here,” He says, looking at his own phone and walking towards a door. Ellie follows, but stands off to the side when he opens the door.

“Go away.”

“That’s funny, that’s exactly what your little girlfriend said when I knocked on her door.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” you disagree.

“Then why are you running away? You only run away when you like someone, you’re always willing to stick around for a fight. It used to be a good quality, when you were doing a job no kid should be doing. I really should’ve pulled you outta that life sooner, but I knew you wouldn’t’ve listened to me,” Wade admits, unintentionally explaining a *lot* about you.

“She’s not like you, Wade. She can die. I’m not risking that for some cheesy teen romance that’ll probably last around two dates and then fizzle off into us being acquaintances,” you argue, peeking out the window to notice you ex-friend, ex-something, at least, outside. Shit. But you know the truth:

“If you really felt that way, kid, you wouldn’t bother running away.” He continues in a grave, lowered tone: “You wouldn’t have bothered hurting her. If you were anyone else, I’d’ve kicked your stupid ass. You’re lucky.”

“I wouldn’t consider myself lucky.”

“Ellie fucking Phimister told you that she liked you. Like, as a person. You’re luckier than anyone else I’ve ever met.”

You roll your eyes. “Just go away. And take Ellie fucking Phimister with you.”

“Can’t say I didn’t try, kid.”

“I wouldn’t bother telling anyone about this. Go,” you say, slamming the door in his face and sliding down it to the ground, hiding your face in your hands. Your life was so unbelievably fucked.

You let yourself cry, thinking no one’s there to listen. And then there’s a knock on the window. You look to find Ellie there.

“Let me in, asshole,” she says, her voice muffled by the glass. You open the door, too tired to say no. You were so tired, you realized. Tired of running. Tired of fighting. Tired of being so fucking alone.

“You fucking idiot,” she says, pulling you in for a hug, her head buried in your chest. “You fucking idiot.” She pulls away, telling you: “You keep forgetting that I’m just as tough as you are. What am I gonna have to, arm wrestle you?”

You laugh harder than you should, the laughter dissolving into tears.

“I’m so sorry,” you tell her.”I just- I’m not used to people being safe around me. I’m so used to being the most dangerous person in the room, I- I’m sorry for forgetting that you’re- You’re a fucking force of nature, E. I’ll do anything for you to forgive me for being such a fucking scumbag.”

“Just shut up with the apologies, okay? You- Make it up to me by paying for our first date, yeah?”

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea-”

“Well, I do. And, listen: I’m sorry, too. I should’ve realized that just throwing my feelings on you wasn’t the best course of action. I’m not the only person in the world with people issues, and I seem to forget that sometimes. So, let’s have people issues together, okay?”

“I-”

She fixes you with an impatient stare.

“Okay,” you sigh, smiling. “I paid for a night here, do you just want to stay?”

“Yeah. I’d like that, actually. I…”She hesitates, searching your expression for something. “I call big spoon.”

#ellie phimister #ellie phimister imagine #ellie phimister x reader #negasonic teenage warhead #negasonic teenage warhead x reader #negasonic teenage warhead imagine #negasonicteenageimagines #x men #fanfiction #x reader #imagine #marvel #marvel fanfiction #x men fanfiction #deadpool #deadpool fanfiction

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smoothconcreteandperkysunsh-blog · 5 years

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Eugh.

Why do we feel the need to do updates when we haven't been on an app for damn near a year? Anyway-

Doing better health-wise. Lungs aren't falling apart so much anymore, I'm coughing up much less gunk and I can breathe better again. I'm going to take this opportunity to try and not be so doom minded anymore. I figure as corny and cliché as it is to be so happy in the face of a much shorter life expectancy, I may as well try to make something of it for others before I die.

I think that's what most people fear when they really think and realize it too. It could be dying alone, or in front of their lover, or without ever getting to say their proper goodbyes to their lover. However all of that is rooted so deeply in the memories that those two have created with each other.

Getting tangential, I'll bring it back around. I've just got some things I need to write out of my head.

I lost the girl of my childhood's adoration recently to very selfish and self-centered desires and idealogies on her behalf. I decided to let her take reigns if her own decisions and she decided I didn't to be a part of her life to be fulfilled or happy as a person. I felt entirely abandoned and dropped off yet; From the very first moment we met on the swingset at Knox Elementary School in Chandler, Arizona I knew I wanted to be with her and make a life with her and maybe even a kid or two after we got the fuck out of the desert we were in and maybe even get our own house with a bunch of animals and a pool and all the cheesy shit that makes a lump form in your throat and cry when you say it out loud, fuck me dude.

I really thought through all of the California shit we could finally grow old and grey together and for the past 3 years we fucking were dude. We ran through the the streets at night together, ran our fingers through each others hair, held each other and felt each other in such sensual, non-sexual ways, we learned each others minds and bodies, we learned each others inner thoughts about the world around us. We went out to the desert where the surface streets ended and just stared up at the night sky in each others presence. We literally owned the night and no one had more fun with each other than we did, fight me over it. We laughed and cried together, watched our friends leave us and find others together, watched fires and floods together, been on top of and beside each other, rolled on the floor like we were ferrets together. Made love and didnt just fuck each other, unless we both knew we wanted it. And when we did, we knew the difference between the physical and mental meshing and bonding of a body and spirit, and pure primal and corporeal pleasure. We knew each others flaws and utmost weaknesses and we never went at them just to feel dominant to the other. We just, lived and loved together.

But now that's all gone. Has been for almost two months now.

Now I don't know if I should take the chance on my love life anymore. Not so much out of cowardice and the fear of being hurt. Neither of those feelings exist within what I recognize to be the core of my being anymore. She took those with her when she left. In many ways you could say she's made me more immune to feeling things than I ever was before we got together.

Which in itself is an oxymoron but like... What else is there to say to describe when you were born into this world with an innate sense of ambivalence towards others and literally only two people have ever stuck out among the hundreds you've come into pass with? With outstanding exception none the less.

I can say shamelessly that I've been with someone just for the sexual gratification of feeling desired by another but only because it was with just that one. And God damn did I learn my lesson with being with someone without feeling for them. Her name was Ariela and I was literally a God to her. She was submissive to a fault. Not to mention very co-dependant on penis being in her to have any sense of self value or worth. I did everything in my power at the time to help her mentally and help her become better as a person morally and value-wise. She didn't want it. She wanted to be the center of pity and negative attention at every chance so she could feel justified in snapping back at the slightest resistance to anything she held valuable. She drained me of too many necessary emotions that I needed to have about me to function as a young man and it absolutely had a hand in pulling me away from my friends in California.

And yet as sad and regressive as it is. I don't know if I can properly explain it, but I do still have love to spare within me for another. Im more than willing to create memories with this outstanding individual. She probably knows it but is significantly more than likely no longer interested in a future with me if ever at all to begin with. And I know this. And I don't have any say in changing that because if I'm being honest with myself she's literally the closest thing to a perfect human being in terms of intelligence, awareness and compassion for other outstanding humans that I have ever been graced with a "Hey" by; And I'm literally just a plain-faced caveman in comparison. And like, that's life. I fucked up on my end more than enough times than she should ever have to put up with from a friend.

All of that said, we never communicated properly what was in our heads about how we felt specifically about each other. We both were afraid of certain aspects of changing a friendship and out of that fear we- well, I cant speak for her but I- know that I decided to be passive and on the sidelines when I should've been more, well less of a bitchy and emotionally needy teenager about everything. Not so much making any moves in terms of making myself stand out amongst a literal crowd of others that were vying for her genuine attention. But out of all that I learned that I needed to be more of a man amidst the boys I was also around.

The adults in my life have always pointed out that I'm more mature than others in my generation, yet when it came time to BE the more mature amongst the others in my generation I failed. Failed hard. Failed so hard I doubled down on the bitchy and emotional-ness and more or less let those particular people in California try to live their lives like I'd never been in them, just as they were before I moved to California.

And I think it was then and there that I realized it. The being remembered thing.

I've had friends, and friends of friends, and "best" friends all come on to me, sexually. As in the dance with no pants variety of coming on to me. And I shut them down, dead in their fat assed, busty tracks. Because for one, I didnt want the sex. I wanted the connection, affection and attention. And two, the feelings for my childhood love and at-the-time crush (God I hate and love that word, it really truly does only work for highschool sweethearts doesn't it?). And all of those particular people were able to pass me up and drop me after the sex was denied. They didn't want to remember me, they wanted to remember the novelty of the orgasms and fleshly pleasure I gave them in the taboo of the social circles we were in. One in particular I knew just wanted to fuck me to piss off another, and that stuck out in my mind.

My point being! Those people haven't talked to me since I moved and those people didnt talk to me when I was there. They lacked a fear of not being remembered that I think the two mentioned far above did. I know that for a fact about Desiree. But I could be entirely wrong about the California girl in every which way, but ya know what dude? When you sit and watch sunsets with a guy every day for almost 3 weeks in a row and most of that time is spent talking about each others day, what's going on in our lives and awkward arm-over-the-shoulder cuddling; Spend a large number of nights watching anime and poking each other, spending many an overnights conversation with each other in person and over the phone. It's kind of bass ackwards to say there wasn't a flicker of something going on there.

And for me, those two are always going to be quite literally burned into my memory above others. Not all of them, more like aside from them. Congruent if you will. Because we made unintentionally or otherwise, very potent memories. On my end they did at least. See that there? That's what the purest and most potent form of fear inside an eternally broken man's heart looks like on paper. Well, screen.

Uncertainty.

Indiscernability of the soul.

Not really knowing. Anymore or to begin with.

These things literally kill us every day. Inside and out. Not risking the pain, not seeking the truth. Being afraid of losing and tarnishing a connection with someone you say you can love shouldn't be allowed-

Is what I would've said had I never gotten to feel what I knew was true love with the love of my life. If I hadn't been given a genuine shot with an outstanding and beautiful in every aspect individual. If I hadn't been given the chance to fuck up, I wouldn't have been given the chance to feel. This is equivalent exchange at its finest and if I could tell you both face to face, our time with and around each other was not a faustian bargain. Because even if I didn't get the future I envisioned with one of you, and another any future at all. I still got memories that will never not be a part of me and if I can offer you two anything,

You wont be forgotten. You will be remembered. So no longer live your lives with the fear of not being. It's an enormous weight off of your conscience.

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sick-of-losing-soulmates · 7 years

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I feel like i think I’m a good person so I surround myself with good people who also think I’m good. But I’m just unintentionally bad. Like im inherently selfish and cruel and I can’t stop it even if I think I deserve something that nice and lovely. But then over time as I become more comfortable I break and destroy and disappoint and contaminate people so this is just everyone’s PSA that im fucking poison; a Trainwreck. And now it’s my own fault again for thinking I deserved something close to being loved and feeling over comfortable with it and parading it and being too showy and now i think i just have to stop it and stop everything because that’s not what I need. I need to switch them off again because that’s the only time that when everyone gets over the initial bitchiness they just accept that im going to be like that and I don’t hurt anyone. Probably the best idea at this point.

#sorry it's so long #personal

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audiovisualrecall · 5 years

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she’s just. so DIFFICULT sometimes

like she decided that i hit my own head as a ploy to get dad to yell at her.

like??? what???

i do it bc i get REALLY frustrated, and or beyond words, and/or because i regret something i did/said and am punishing myself, and/or because i dont want to exist suddenly.

like, its my issue, its a problem im WORKING ON, really, its not a PLOY you dumbass. and dad yelled at me first, but steph kept going and he lost his temper and yelled at her....for yelling at me.... yeah idk but still thats on him, he should apologize, i apologized earlier EVEN THOUGH she was butting in and being a real shithead and i didnt do anything wrong, but i DID apologize bc i DID react and kept going too and didnt just. let it go sooner or ignore her nonsense. so yeah he has to apologize for reacting too and losing his temper over it and yelling/screaming at her. but she’s not little miss innocent who everyone always blames for everything. like... someone could say ‘well mimi did x thing wrong and dad did y thing wrong and steph you did z thing wrong’ and all she hears is ‘steph you did thing wrong’ and refuses to take ANY blame at ALL

and is denying that she called me crazy/insane. like say u dont remember it. but you did say it. dont make me feel like i am crazy that im imagining things. that was like, the main issue i had?? she called me crazy because she misunderstood me.

but anyway the main thing is that she feels like everyone blames her all the time EVEN IF someone calls out the other involved persons too!! AND since she feels like everyone (dad particularly) is blaming her she wont take ANY responsibility AT ALL and ITS DRIVING ME UP A WALL

also i threatened to keep my gifts for her for myself bc she said she’s gonna return the gift for dad and so she threatened to destroy the wafflemaker she got me (its hidden unintentionally anyway) and take back the notebooks she got me. like i know i started it! welllll actually she did start it by saying she’s returning dad’s gift. but come on! she wanted to get it for him bc his old work bench was broken and tried to drop out from under him while he was working on something and hurt his back a bit, and she thought what if it happens when he’s using the table saw and he hurts himself worse, so lets get him a new one!

...idk i shouldnt have said it i shouldve been like okay, fine, you can return it if you want. because i could always get him something else on my ownand he can buy himself a new work table if he has to.... and i shouldnt have threatened to keep her gifts for myself. that was mean. and she has a right to be mad at him, like, regardless of the fact that i have a right to be mad at her, too, and she isnt miss innocent can do no wrong herself, she can be mad at him, he screamed at her, and lost his temper, and he’s more of an adult than us he should be better. or whatever. idk. but yeah so she has a right to be like nevermind no gift for u. she doesnt have to forgive him or whatever. it just bothered me. like im just... i dont hold grudges. i dont stay mad. i burn angry and bright and hot and then its done. if i feel hurt it stays, but i forgive easily mostly because its just....easier? and we HAVE had this tendency as a family, that once the Anger Time is over, and everyone has ahd a chance to cool down, then its all forgotten and we move on. even if we dont right away, its not like.. we’ve had arguments before, worse ones, and then come back and started talking like nothing happened. usually i follow that lead. this time she came in the house and i stayed quiet but then she was joking with ma so i was like okay! that’s my lead for the mood! so i told her about a funny video i found and acted like nothing happened and she was suddenly cold and nasty about it and?? i was so thrown off by that!!! how do you go from laughing w one person to bitchy with another???? obvs i misread that and so i got mad again bc like really? dont confuse me like this!!!

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shu-reen · 7 years

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040517

Few days ago, i found out something that kept me thinking a lot. In fact, non-stop. I just couldn’t understood why would a 18year old girl not have her words filtered through her mind. It wasn’t even words of anger, it’s hatred. She means nothing to me and yet her words cuts.

“Hating someone is like drinking poison. It kills you from within and only you.”

Honestly, I don’t hate her. The word hate is too strong to be used in this context. But this whole situation is starting to make me hate her and considering to even stoop to her level to confront her. But then again,

“Have you ever tried to talk to stupid people? If no, don’t try it. Be mature enough to accept it and continue living a life with dignity.” - coach jq

Coach was lecturing me about how i tend to insult people with my words unknowingly and unintentionally. I look up to him so much because i could see Christ in him.

Ok back to ranting and rationalizing with myself. The truth of the matter is that I want to portray myself as a tough and respected individual who is an advocate for Christ. But that person who is a Christian too is making me even more doubtful about how Christ had brought her up. I know im neither a perfect Christian nor someone who should be a role model for Christians, but her immature actions is really making me pissed off. Deep down, i know the 16year old me would totally start a bitch fight and go all out to scold her. But i want to change. I don’t want the friends around me to view Christians as someone who is ; bitchy, immature, unreasonable etc.

God please help me. I can’t fight this battle alone. Give me wisdom to make the right choices.

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universatile-girl · 7 years

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Some things about life

I don't have a particularly interesting lifestyle, and I certainly don't have answers to life's questions. But I pay attention to a lot of things and I think that counts towards some wisdom. I like to analyze my human experience, sometimes a little too much. So I came to the conclusion that we are too quick to pass off others experiences just cause they're not our own. If we can face the reality that we all experience life in a similar way, we might stop disagreeing so frequently and causing large world problems. Fundamentally we are the same, the differences come from how we interpret. So, by one day sharing my life in a much more interesting and stylized way but for now in this post, I am acknowledging my relativity to the next person, and thereafter passing on a sense of harmony and understanding. I like to think that we can all see similarities with each other more easily than we see differences, it just sometimes masks itself in envy or longing. Off we go. I can't decide if all people are slightly anxious by default, or if I feel it more than usual. Either the world is becoming much more anxious with each new generation or we are expressing our paranoiA more or I just have an undiagnosed mental illness. I am strongly suspicious of the latter, but then again so are other people my age. And we'd all like to think we're special. And that's how we're the same. So with this connection in mind, maybe I'll run through some daily thoughts I entertain myself with. It's really difficult to map out a thought process in words but I'll do my best. I wake up some mornings wondering what the hell im doing and where I'm going ultimately, and then quickly my inner compass is realigned and a flush of logical things strike me, and I'm then in a much more stable mindset and able to function like what I'm hoping a normal person looks like. Sometimes you just wake up and for a brief moment everything about you has left and you're standing in an empty white space with no idea what is right wrong, up down, and one by one the relevant things, your core building blocks stack up and reveal that you do in fact have ambitions and desires and feelings and worries. That's the worst part, the worries. I could do without those, but when I think about it I don't even know who I would become without my worries. They more and more seem to make up their very own building block in that empty space. I wake up and I'm most likely tired. It's a rare day that I awaken feeling refreshed and ready to go. But I've been going to work semi easily the past month, and the dread has stayed kind of at bay. Making the decisions to cut my hours was extremely helpful in ways I didn't know were possible. Sometimes making less is worth it when your mood is improved, and once you've gained enough strength you can go back healthy. I'm getting there. Then sometimes my worries get in the way and mess everything up. But I'm trying to look past that. One of the most difficult things about this has been trying to objectively explain my experiences in a way that they might convey even part of the same emotions I have as the narrator. For example at work today I had a casual conversation with my friend in the back about weed. But if I pick apart that sentence I have to reveal all of the thoughts I had about each part. It was casual but it didn't feel casual to me, because I don't know much about the topic and therefore am unsure and insecure of my terminology and common practices. I don't know if she was engaged or pretending, or thinking wow what a loser we have nothing in common, even though I shared my personal experiences. Maybe I came off rushed and uninterested unintentionally. Is she even my friend? I want to believe so, we have a fun at work every time we work together. But is it just a work relationship or could we enjoy each other's company outside of work. Would we? Does she talk about me to other coworkers, I think I must... so those 5 minutes of my day turned into a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings in my head. And this happens with almost every conversation or even interaction with another human being I have, if I have the time to process it. If not I will probably find myself in a similar situation as right now, awake in bed at 12:12am considering every aspect and increasing my heart rate in the process. At times at work I feel really confident in who I am and what I'm doing, and that's cool. I got mad and passively aggressively bitchy at a couple customers today. I didn't really feel sorry, which is unlike me. The environment at work has changed me a bit that way. I can't control it sometimes. But yet as soon as I'm off the clock I revert to same old awkward shy me, and forget I ever become anyone else. I feel like this is strange, and I wonder if others experience this. They must, but why does nobody talk about these things? I had a goal in mind with this while I was in the shower, literally the only time I'm unable to jot down ideas like usual but it has escaped me and my eyes are begging for sleep. If only I could at least make my thoughts poetic so they might be easier to digest. But one day I believe I will, and I'll have novels with characters who express my reflections in the most comprehensive outlets so I need not worry.

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