#and ignore everyone and everything that might challenge or complicate that narrative which is... most disabled people

[sheathandshear]

I guess what bothers me about a lot of disability justice approaches to healthcare -- the "doctors must trust that patients are the experts of own bodies" approach -- is that this is the perspective of people with high health literacy written for audiences of people who also have high health literacy, most of whom I think truly do not grasp just how many people have extremely poor health literacy, especially those from groups who for reasons of race, class, ethnicity, immigration status, gender, and/or often a combination of these factors are less likely to have access to accurate health information and culturally competent, trustworthy healthcare providers. When it comes to health and wellness, quite a number of people in our society don't know jack about shit! Even more hold a number of factually inaccurate folk beliefs that range from unhelpful to dangerous. (Hell, even if you have a high degree of health literacy, you probably hold some unexamined false beliefs too, because that's how culture works!) It's true that people are the experts on symptoms as they feel them, but most people are not experts on what those symptoms mean in a medical sense or what can be done about them.

It's a massive blind spot and a symptom of the larger problem of Disability So Educated -- that the vast majority of disability/chronic illness advocates/activists are heard ARE experts on their bodies, because they've had to become experts, but they were able to do so because they are a) literate in English, b) medically literate, c) information literate, and d) have access to and understanding of how to navigate the internet, whereas your average person, particularly your average disabled person, is not. And if you want to create a radical healthcare system that is truly equitable and just -- as opposed to an oligarchy of the educated, i.e. what we have now -- that proposed system has to account for both EDS/MCAS/POTS patients who come in with a 4" three-ring binder of medical literature AND patients who firmly believe that ivermectin cures COVID, vaccines cause autism, co-sleeping with infants is safe, there's no difference between a rescue inhaler and preventative medication, and having an average blood sugar of 600 is perfectly healthy as long as you feel fine.

#health is complicated! the various factors and motivations that go into health behaviors are complicated! #but it often feels like disability justice folks get VERY wedded to the patient-is-always-right narrative #(and as a disabled person you encounter many doctors ranging from dismissive to malicious to incompetent to well-meaning but ignorant) #and ignore everyone and everything that might challenge or complicate that narrative which is... most disabled people #and most abled people! #we've gone from (doctors) the patient is NEVER an expert to (disability justice folks) the patient is ALWAYS the expert #from experience the truth is on average somewhere in the middle #but I get very defensive of all the acutely and chronically ill and disabled patients I work with who disability justice advocates... #...use as rhetorical props without seeming to have much interest in or understanding of their actual lives or personhood #(and don't even get me started on the rampant ageism in many disability advocacy circles predominated by younger people) #agh. complicated! it's complicated! #health care #disability #adventures in nursing #politics #chronic illness

[kajaono]

How Fire Island proved Persuasion 2022 wrong

When Persuasion 2022 was released on Netflix there were a lot of statements from people involved in the production (Ron Bass and CC) saying that they love Austen but that they think her characters are outdated and not relatable to a modern audience anymore. That they need an update.

This already shows a big misunderstanding of the characters imo. The reason why Austen books are still so popular today is due to the fact that her characters are timeless. We all know a Mrs. Bennet, a Mary Musgrove, a Mary Crawford, a Mr. Collins... Austen was a sharp observer of the people around her. The setting might be outdated but not the characters. And the writers of Fire Island understood that

Fire Island literally starts with the main character saying that Austen is the queen, but that not every man might look for a woman to marry. This shows a deep respect for Austen and her work, but also points out that we need to diversify Austen stories. And that those two things can co-exists

The writers of Persuasion made such an effort promoting how diverse their story is and how modern, while it was still: white, straight and set in a regency era. Yeah there were people of color and i think Ben Bailey Smith did an amazing job, but that - imo as white person - where just people of color put into white narrative. Without addressing any issues black people had to face during that time. I am not saying Persuasion should have been about black trauma. But ignoring it completely was an odd choice.

Conrad Ricamora said something about that topic as well (when addressing the position of gay asian in our society today and especially in todays LGBTQ community):

“We need movies that focus on our trauma. Then, we need movies show us going to the grocery store, show us hanging out with friends, going to the beach, going on vacation. It’s not just about our minority identity,” says the star.

“We can’t just completely gloss over and say, ‘Oh everything is completely fine and the world’s great.’ So, we need those movies. But we also need to have fun too. I feel like Fire Island does a great job of showing us having fun. 

And Persuasion did say: “Oh, everything is completely fine.” and that was a huge mistake imo

Updating the setting vs Updating the characters

One reason why Fire Island is so beautiful is because they completly stayed true to the book characters. They changed the setting, the changed sexuality and ethnic but the characters are still 1:1 the original Austen characters.

We have Will (Fitzwilliam) having an emotional breakdown when he is forced to socialize by Charles Bingley:

Charlie (Charles) being still the softest, cutest, dumbest character in the whole story, laughing his ass off when he sees Darcy struggle but trying to be polite about it

Noah (Elizabeth) is the most judgy bitch who ever walked the planet but on the other hand he is the one who keeps the family together and takes care of everyone. And always challenges Darcy

And I mean, this is the whole Bennet family. Don’t dare to tell me you cannot spot Kitty and Lydia right away. You can see Mary in the back btw, with the hat.

Instead, Persuasion gave us lines and moments like those:

You wouldn’t know this is supposed to be Anne.

Appropriate language

While watching Fire Island I always found the language appropriate to the place the story was taking place in. And it also suited the characters. I really had the feeling a queer asian man in his 30s wrote the script reflecting on his experience of...well... being a gay asian man in his 30s. Everyone spoke and behaved appropriate. While still staying true to the book characters. Instead, Persuasion was written by Ron Bass, a 80 years old man who gave us lines like: 

Which gave of these vibes:

Voice overs

I know voice overs are always a complicated thing to do. Good Omens tried to solve it by making God the narrator. Persuasion 2007 had Anne writing her dairy with subtle 4th wall breaking... which worked okay-ish. Fire Island chose an approach I really liked (which was also used in Vampire Academy 2014). We hear the characters inner thoughts WHEN necessary (!), which are SOMETIMES (mostly at the beginning and at the end) directed at the viewer directly. But the golden rule still stands: “Don’t tell, show!”. And Fire Island understood that very well. Nevertheless, there are some inner thoughts that need to be spoken. Especially for comedy reasons. And it is also a blast for book fans because this is what we thought the whole time reading the book.

It just fits Elizabeth perfectly! This is a 100% Lizzie.

In contrast we get that from Persuasion:

Like, if I am not able to see that you are two are past lovers by the way you behaving around each other, you are doing something terrible wrong. I don’t need you to turn around to me and point at Wentworth: “We are exes btw!”. Anne 2007 crying her eyes out only when we, the viewers, where around made much more sense. 2007!Anne also shared secrets just with us, but meaningful secrets. You know what I saw when she cried her eyes out and then shortly looked at us? A woman, nearly shattered to pieces, silently screaming for help.

When 2022 Anne cried while reading the letter to us is saw nothing because I cringed so hard I had to look away a drama queen. It didn’t had any meaning or impact

Sex jokes: body positive

I always thought I am not a fan of sex jokes, but while watching Fire Island I noticed my problem are actually not sex jokes but most of them being incredible toxic. The sex jokes in Fire Island were so amazing body positive. I just wanted to point that out. Next point!

The letter!

Both Persuasion and Fire Island have meaningful letter. Darcy writes Lizzie a letter, explaining his behavior and apologizing. Wentworth writes Anne a letter to confess his love.

Translating a letter to modern times where men and women can talk with each other freely without any boundaries and where phones are everywhere is really complicated but Joel Kim Booster created the perfect set up. By breaking Noahs phone and letting Will and Noah having a huge fight. So, it is really convincing why Will writes the letter. And the scene is so beautiful:

And the letter Wentworth sends Anne is equally important, maybe even more important. But even though Persuasion 2022 is still set in regency times and actually has the perfect set up for a letter, it still completely misses the mark. Why? Two reasons. 1) Anne and Wentworth are talking with each other the whole time. So there is actually no need for a letter:

2) Instead of quietly reading the letter and having a beautiful soft voice over (Persuasion 2007, Persuasion 1995, Pride and Prejudice 2005 etc.) we get Anne turning around to us and reading the letter to US. A letter meant only for HER and she turns around to us and cries her out to us. Ugh, it was so cringe.

Both Fire Island and Persuasion 2022 changed the letter, but why did it work for Fire Island and not for Persuasion? Because there was never a need for Persuasion 2022 to update the letter. None. Only of them thinking every love letter needs an explicit “I love you” so the viewer understands what the scene is about. Also, the Fire Island letter missed the mark here and there. Darcy could have told something along the lines: Dex hurt my brother deeply” but anyway. It worked nevertheless.

The captions

The captions are definitely not perfect in Fire Island:

but definitely a 100% times better what Persuasion gave us:

I mean look what effort Emma 2020 put into the title cards. Its not that hard:

Updates

I love Austen but I also think her stories need updates to suit the world were are living in today. As i already pointed out: The personality of the characters do NOT need updates.

I loved that Fire Island had Elizabeth (Noah) stand up for Lydia. Instead in the original PP story everyone drops Lydia like a hot potato and her family only saves her for their own sake. I know, why... it was regency era, but that wouldn’t work anymore if you set the story in a modern setting like Fire Island did.

Also, Noah was clearly ashamed of Lydia and Kitty from time to time but never rejected them as a family member. I also loved that in contrast to the original PP novel Jane (Howie) has a fight with Noah (Lizzie) telling him his place and telling him to stop try to change him.

I also would have loved to see changes like that in the Persuasion adaptation. Talking about the fact that the sailors were not heroes but serving a really expanding colonialist system. It also needed Gay characters and more female friendships. Because every Persuasion adaptation we got so far mostly ignored Mrs. smith and her friendship with Anne. And also the friendships between Harville and Wentworth is mostly only there for one or two scenes. Persuasion 2007 already dug deeper into it. But there is more to explore.

Instead, they changed the character of Anne and gave her a strong friendship with Louisa and Henrietta. I love these two but that was such an odd choice but, in the end, they only see Anne as a nice aunt who comes around from time to time. The point is that Anne has no real friends in this place. She finds friends in new places. And don’t get me started on all the other “updates” that made Persuasion 2022 into a completely different story.

I was not able anymore to tell who was supposed to be who and what was gonna happen next. And that’s the beauty of Fire Island.

Updating dating:

One major problem when translating Austen novels in modern times is the dating. Today you just do not marry a person right away just because you fall in love with them. So it was good that Fire Island gave Darcy and Elizabeth scenes where they were alone and scenes where they needed to work together (confronting Wickham) and where we saw them being casual around each other, having fun and flirting. But they waited with that until after the letter so it would make sense.

I think Persuasion wanted to take a similar approach when they wrote this line:

They didn’t want the have the main leads being quiet around eachother for two hours straight and then suddenly: “Btw, love you, wanna marry me?” But that’s the point. They fall in love BEFORE the movie starts (in the past, 8 years ago), they talked a lot with each other 8 years ago, all of that has already happened.  Making a good Persuasion adaptation means the viewer notices how both of them are grieving those happy times, wishing they could go back to the happy times but being also not able to talk to each other based on the circumstances. But still, always colliding into ecah other and being forced to work and talk with each other.

When you make a Persuasion adaptation set in modern times, it could also work with them not talking to each other. Silent pining of people who are in love with each other for 8 years. Because Persuasion is not about “falling in love”, this already happened. It is about finding a way back to each other and opening your hearts again, A story about forgiveness and this doesn’t always need to be screamed from the rooftops but can also happened quiet, really private.

Mistakes:

I also need to point some mistakes for Fire Island, I guess. Charlies reason to return to his ex was really staged. Darcy sadly lacked real character growth. It would have been more convincing if he also would have hated the whole Bennet family because he a) thought that the Bennet family is a bad influence on Charlie and b) that Howie feelings were not as deep as Charlies and that Howie wanted Charlie because of his money.

TL:DR: Fire Island showed how to do a modern Austen adaptation and that Austen is still worth being adapted today in many diverse ways. Persuasion completly failed because they only wanted to be edgy and ripped the heart out of the story and the characters

#fire island #persuasion #jane austen #pride and prejudice #netflix persuasion #persuasion 2022 #my lists

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Welcome to FiveThirtyEight’s politics chat. The transcript below has been lightly edited.

sarah (Sarah Frostenson, politics editor): Georgia’s new voting law has captured headlines for all the ways in which it makes voting harder. It’s also not the only state considering these kinds of laws; there are nearly 20 states in which voting restrictions have already passed at least one step of the legislative process. More than 300 voting restriction bills, according to an analysis by FiveThirtyEight, have been introduced in state legislatures this year following months of fraudulent claims from former President Trump and his supporters that the 2020 presidential election was rigged. (Sixty percent of Republican voters still say the election “was stolen” from Trump.)

But understanding the effects of laws like Georgia’s is complicated. There’s not really solid evidence one way or the other that this law will hurt Democrats or help Republicans. It’s also a point that elides a more fundamental one: If one party increasingly supports anti-democratic measures, does anything else outweigh that?

Public opinion on voting laws isn’t clear-cut either — provisions like a ban on giving voters food and water (something the Georgia law did) are unpopular, but voter ID laws are broadly popular. So let’s address the politics, public opinion and research on voting laws to better understand the contours of this debate, tackling this chat in two parts:

First, how much does it matter that Republicans’ election security push is precipitated on a lie? That is, as there has been no evidence the 2020 election actually experienced wide-scale fraud, does that undermine Republicans’ argument?

And second, how much do Americans care about voting rights as an issue?

OK, first up — The argument from Republicans supporting these new laws. What do they want in the push for more “election security”? And how much does it matter, at this point, that there wasn’t actually wide-scale voter fraud in 2020?

nrakich (Nathaniel Rakich, elections analyst): IMO, the “Big Lie” is the key to understanding Republicans’ motivations. Everyone can agree that elections should be secure. But …

… the specific methods of voting being targeted by Republicans (almost half of the voting restrictions that have been introduced regulate absentee voting), the states in which they are targeting them (disproportionately swing states), and the timing of that targeting (after Republicans lost the 2020 election) all suggest that they are only passing these restrictions because they think they will help the GOP win future elections.

alex (Alex Samuels, politics reporter): But to your second question, Sarah, this is the narrative conservative lawmakers and many of their voters have bought into, right? That the 2020 election was supposedly stolen from Trump?

There was never — and still is no — evidence of massive voter fraud that Trump and his allies stated as fact. But because it was repeated so many times and with such certainty, large parts of the GOP electorate came to believe it. 

As long as the “Big Lie” continues to be pervasive, we’re going to keep seeing these efforts to get these restrictions passed, as Nathaniel notes.

nrakich: Alex, it’s an interesting question whether these Republican legislators actually believe that rampant voter fraud cost Trump the election or they are just going along with it because it’s politically convenient. But I’m also not sure it matters. Either way, they are making policy based on a conspiracy theory.  

sarah: Right, setting aside the question as to what extent Republican politicians buy the “Big Lie,” it is pervasive among Republican voters: In a March 30-31 Reuters poll, 6 in 10 Republicans said they still believed the election “was stolen” from Trump “due to widespread voter fraud.”

nrakich: And rank-and-file Republicans are correspondingly willing to make voting harder in order to get their desired outcome. According to the Pew Research Center, only 28 percent of Republicans now say “everything possible should be done to make it easy for every citizen to vote,” down from 48 percent in 2018.

alex: Republican politicians also seem to acknowledge that it’s likely they won’t win future elections without some sort of changes to the voting system. Sen. Lindsey Graham told Fox News that “mail-in balloting is a nightmare for us,” even though it wasn’t controversial before this past year. I think these changes are more about preserving power than about “voter fraud.”

And to Nathaniel’s earlier point, few Republicans lawmakers are doing anything to stop these bills from passing. Even the ones who don’t necessarily think there was fraud.

julia_azari (Julia Azari, political science professor at Marquette University and FiveThirtyEight contributor): The argument about election security boils down to an argument that people voted who shouldn’t have, right? That there were questionable votes. 

And so reforms based on the “Big Lie” hinge on the 2020 election having those kinds of irregularities. People might not come out and say it was because people of the wrong skin color voted — they might say, well, people should have been ineligible because of changes to early voting rules or whatever. But in the context of both the history of disenfranchisement of African Americans and more recent fears about people living in the country illegally voting, the implication is pretty clear. When the solution is to tighten up the voting rules, you have implied that the problem is the wrong people voting.

nrakich: Yeah, Julia, you see this in how surgically targeted some of these provisions are. For example, legislators in Georgia originally proposed banning early voting on Sundays, which would end the “Souls to the Polls” initiatives that are so popular at Black churches. That provision did not end up passing, but one that did — prohibiting food and water be handed to voters in line — will disproportionately affect urban areas, where there are both more lines and more voters of color.

alex: Myrna Pérez from the Brennan Center told us something similar, Julia. The bills we’re seeing now reflect “a real fear over the browning of America, and folks trying to protect what they have and keep the power for themselves.”

sarah: And as you all are saying, sometimes it’s hard to see that this is what these restrictions intend to do, because some of the more draconian measures don’t end up passing and the exact language of the measures that do pass isn’t quite so explicit (i.e., “This voting measure intends to disenfranchise Black Americans.”).

The New York Times’s Jamelle Bouie argued this in his essay on how it’s not an exaggeration to compare the current voting restriction push to the Jim Crow era. That is, a lot of the ramifications and larger purposes behind these bills weren’t immediately clear until all the pieces fell into line. “[T]he thing about Jim Crow is that it wasn’t ‘Jim Crow’ until, one day, it was,” writes Bouie.

At this point, though, do Republicans need the “Big Lie” to push through this agenda? 

That is, it feels like there is a shift at play here with Republicans increasingly distancing themselves from the election being stolen in 2020 and more so focusing on scoring points against how Democrats are now characterizing the laws (i.e., Jim Crow 2.0).

In fact, we’ve already seen some of this reframing in how Republican politicians criticized Major League Baseball’s decision to pull its All-Star Game out of Georgia over the new voting law, with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell warning CEOs to “stay out of politics.”

What’s Republicans’ long-term strategy? 

nrakich: Many of the new arguments that Republicans are pushing are in bad faith, though. For example, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp has claimed that Georgia’s new law actually expands voting rights because it allows for more early voting. But that completely ignores the many more objective restrictions in the law, such as less time to request an absentee ballot and the need for absentee voters to provide voter ID — not to mention arguably the most concerning part of the law, the part that gives the state elections board the ability to remove local election officials.

alex: I agree. Republicans’ motivation, long term, seems to be anti-democratic. Even Trump dismissed proposals to make voting easier last year. So now the post-Trump strategy seems to be focused on how best to win elections, and even though Republicans have maybe not explicitly said they don’t think they can do that without overhauling the current system(s) in place, that seems to be what’s happening.

nrakich: McConnell’s request for corporations to “stay out of politics” is also pretty funny — he sounds like Bernie Sanders! What McConnell means, of course, is that he wants corporations to stop disagreeing with him politically. (Corporations have been intimately involved in politics for hundreds of years.)

sarah: It is a difficult position for a party that is traditionally pro-business to adopt this stance, too.

nrakich: Exactly, Sarah; it’s disingenuous. Republicans have historically wanted corporations to be more involved in politics — e.g., when they’ve defended corporations’ right to give money to political campaigns.

julia_azari: I mean, part of the founding ethos of the Republican Party was about creating a strong national economy based on free (as opposed to slave) labor. Nineteenth-century Republicans saw the purpose of government as being able to help American business grow strong.

So I read McConnell’s statement as “stay out of politics that challenge existing power arrangements.”

alex: Isn’t Republicans’ argument with MLB, though, that it’s overstating what Georgia’s law does?

nrakich: What do you mean, Alex?

alex: Maybe my Texas bias is showing, but Gov. Greg Abbott said yesterday that he wouldn’t throw out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ home opener after MLB adopted “what has turned out to be a false narrative about Georgia’s election law reforms.” (That’s straight from his statement.)

sarah: Right, Republicans are now attacking Democrats for overplaying their hand in how they’re describing what the laws actually do. But Nathaniel hit on this earlier — while there might technically be a longer early voting period in Georgia now, there is less time to request an absentee ballot and it’s harder to cast an absentee ballot because a voter must provide voter ID.

julia_azari: The inconsistency of the arguments the GOP has been using to defend their position is wild.

nrakich: Yes, Julia, it’s so bizarre! If you truly believe that “voting shouldn’t be easy” is a defensible position, you should make that argument (e.g., on security grounds). 

But instead many Republicans are insisting that they are the party expanding voting rights, which suggests that they agree with the premise that restricting voting is the wrong side of the debate to be on.  

julia_azari: I think this reveals a key asymmetry (or at least a potential one). Democrats can overplay their hand by stoking outrage in their supporters and end up being lambasted for being wrong or exaggerating. Republicans, on the other hand, don’t seem to suffer repercussions for changing up the logic of their arguments; instead, they seem to have found a strategy in attacking “cancel culture” whenever under scrutiny.

sarah: What’s also so hard to disentangle in laws like Georgia’s is there are really two things happening at once. First, there are actual changes to the voting process, but then there are also changes that affect how elections are administered, and in the case of Georgia, make it easier for politicians to interfere. 

Nathaniel mentioned it earlier, but take the part of Georgia’s law that now allows the Republican-appointed state elections board to remove local election officials and essentially remove the secretary of state’s role in ensuring the election was conducted fairly.

We know that in the 2020 presidential election, Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger refused to kowtow to Trump’s demand that he find “11,780 votes,” but now that guardrail is gone.

A lot of what we’re talking about here is moot, though, if Democrats are able to push through their sweeping voting reform bill, H.R.1.

julia_azari: I’m on team “nothing else matters” once we’ve passed a certain anti-democratic threshold. And the provisions on election administration in Georgia’s law are worthy of a lot of attention — even if it’s not clear what they’ll mean in practice. 

The period between the 2020 election and the inauguration featured a lot of attempts to mess with the Electoral College votes. There was real drama over certification in Michigan, for instance. You’re seeing a move — even if it’s slight — toward the direction that people shouldn’t actually get to choose their slate of electors or that state legislatures can have a stronger hand in that process. This is like early 19th century stuff.

sarah: Is voting rights something Americans care about, though?

alex: Considering this is something some people fought for the right to do for decades, I’d say yes. Others might have a different answer, though, because not everyone votes.

nrakich: Historically, voting rights hasn’t been an issue that has motivated many voters; it barely cracks the list of the most important problems facing the country, per Gallup polling. It’s hard to get people worked up about wonky provisions like whether people should be able to register to vote on Election Day or sometime before, or whether there should be one week of early voting versus two. 

But I think framing these wonky issues as questions of rights and the health of our democracy has the potential to be very motivating. Especially if some voters (i.e., people of color) feel that their rights are being abridged.

alex: And I think that’s what Democrats have been doing so far: framing what’s happening in Georgia and other states as a “Jim Crow 2.0.”

That’s also probably easier to understand — and more motivating — than explaining the nitty-gritty measures in each individual bill.

nrakich: Look at what happened in North Dakota in 2018. The state passed a law that required voter IDs with residential addresses on them — something many Native Americans who live on reservations didn’t have. But the law appears to have backfired; Native Americans were highly motivated to exercise their right to vote in spite of the law, and Native American turnout skyrocketed.

julia_azari: Yeah, this is a pretty well-documented phenomenon. I want to make sure we clarify, though, that we are using this as an illustration of how important voting rights are to people, and not in the sense of “these laws are OK because there’s always countermobilization!” The latter caused so much angst on Twitter over the weekend in response to The New York Times’s Nate Cohn’s analysis of Georgia’s law.

alex: I’m torn on the countermobilization argument, because I’ve seen the same logic used to talk about Black voters (i.e., efforts to make it harder to vote will motivate more people and backfire against Republicans). But people shouldn’t have to surmount unconstitutional hurdles to vote!

I’m not saying you’re making that argument, Nathaniel, I’m just saying I’ve seen a few people argue that voter suppression isn’t real because a turnout gap didn’t/doesn’t materialize as expected.

nrakich: Agreed 100 percent, with both you and Julia. Even if a law doesn’t deter a single person from voting, it might still be restrictive if it imposes additional hardships on existing voters.

For example, even if people are willing to wait hours in line to make sure their vote gets cast, that inconvenience can have non-voting-related consequences, such as having to pay extra for child care or losing out on wages at your hourly job.

sarah: For sure, the most important thing is that people have the right to vote without it being a burden. But I also want to return to this question of electoral impact, because the research is really mixed on it. 

Some studies have suggested that absentee voting didn’t help Democrats’ margin in 2020, or as Cohn’s analysis of Georgia’s law suggests — it’s really hard to know whether this will impact turnout negatively in elections moving forward. But something we found in the research for our 2020 forecast was that if we account for changes in how easy it is to vote in each state based on a cost of voting index researchers have put together, states with higher barriers to voting tend to produce better results for Republican candidates while states with fewer barriers tend to lean more toward Democrats.

nrakich: I think a lot of nuance is called for when attempting to answer this question of electoral impacts. Discussions like these often lump different types of voting restrictions (or expansions) together, but not every voting reform is created equal. 

For instance, I am persuaded by the studies that show that changes to absentee voting laws are unlikely to change the outcome of an election. But political scientists have found that things like banning/instituting same-day voter registration actually can have significant effects! This thread from political scientist Charlotte Hill was very instructive in that regard:

The idea that making voting easier *won't* improve turnout is one of political science's worst takes. (And to be clear, many political scientists don't buy it.) In this thread, I'll explain why. Buckle up. https://t.co/NH1HH0YYuZ

— Charlotte Hill (@hill_charlotte) April 3, 2021

sarah: It also seems as if making voting easier is becoming an increasingly polarized issue, with far more Republicans now unwilling to say that “everything possible” should be done to make voting easier.

julia_azari: Yeah, on the question of polarization, this debate isn’t necessarily always going to be directly related to which laws help which parties, but rather how voters understand those laws in relation to their own partisan motivations — what they dislike about the other party, how their own identity motivates their partisanship. 

This thread from political psychologist Christopher Federico linking support for restrictions to racial attitudes is also useful.

Been digging into the new 2020 ANES release this week, and I got curious as to what might predict negative attitudes toward increasing ballot access. So, I took a look at the ANES items on early voting, voter ID, and felon disenfranchisement. (1/n)

— Christopher Federico (@ChrisPolPsych) April 2, 2021

sarah: Where do you all think the fight over voting rights heads next?

alex: Whether Democrats can actually agree on something and get H.R. 1 passed is a big open question. But there’s also how many of these restrictive bills actually pass and where that leaves Republicans two years down the line. 

If Republicans only pass a few dozen of these bills, do they continue pushing for them in future legislative sessions? (I would bet the answer is yes, but I’m curious to see how this progresses over time.)

julia_azari: A couple of questions I have been thinking about: One is the degree to which Trumpism within the Republican Party is about winning elections without winning majorities of the multiethnic electorate, and another is where standard political hardball ends and being anti-democratic begins. 

And at the risk of sounding stupid because I know these things are so intertwined at this point, I also wonder how to think about what’s about partisanship versus what’s about race. A really cynical take would suggest that elite Republicans are taking advantage of the salience of these demographic issues in order to produce institutional changes to consolidate power.

nrakich: I just think voting rights is an extremely nuanced issue that requires people to acknowledge a ton of realities all at once.

Some voting restrictions probably don’t affect turnout or who wins.

But others might.

But backlash/countereffects can scramble that calculus too.

But electoral impacts are only one small part of why these laws matter.

They matter in how they affect the convenience of voting too.

Regardless of impact, intent is important (e.g., it matters that Republicans are pushing voting restrictions shortly after losing a major election and crying “voter fraud” about it).

It matters normatively that it has become the position of one of the two main political parties that it should be harder to vote.

Regardless of impact, context is important (e.g., this is not the first time that a state like Georgia has tried to make it hard for certain people to vote).

It’s important to acknowledge the racial impacts/motivations of these laws.

“Voting restrictions” (or “voting expansions”) is an extremely broad term that encompasses a ton of more specific proposals, which should probably be judged on their own merits because they each have different impacts and are just or unjust to varying degrees.

#IFTTT #Politics – FiveThirtyEight #politics #538 #A FiveThirtyEight Chat

[linkspooky]

Shigaraki + Eri: Born to Destroy

Shigaraki and Eri are both characters told by their abusers that because they were born with a destructive quirk, it means they were born to destroy. Both children internalized this idea. The only difference is Eri was saved while she was still a child. and Shigaraki was explicitly not saved and failed by the hero system at every level. 

Yet, a certain part of the fandom insists that the comparison between these two characters is meant to show that Eri is meant to be someone who can be saved while Shigaraki having grown up to be a villain is therefore an example of someone who due to being a villain cannot be saved. That Shigaraki’s only role in the narrative now is a villain to be defeated, and therefore unlike Eri he no longer deserves to be saved. 

But to believe All for One’s lies that Shigaraki was born for destruction, that he enjoys it, is the same as believing Chisaki’s lies that Eri was born to hurt the others around her too. What people are missing is that Eri does not exist to be the “good guy” version of Shigaraki. It’s the other way around, Shigaraki is a much more important character than Eri whose arc is central to the whole narrative, Eri’s entire purpose for being in the story is to prove that Shigaraki is someone who should be saved. Let’s explain under the cut. 

1. Eri and Tenko

Eri is a character who is intentionally designed to call immediate visual parallels to Shigaraki. They both have long, uncombed white hair. They both have red eyes with severe bags underneath them. They are both obviously scarred, Shigaraki has scars on his face and Eri is perpetually covered in bandages. 

The intention is clear, not only does Eri look like Shigaraki but she also looks the exact same way Tenko did almost immediately after he was traumatized. Red eyes, hair turned white by stress, covered in scars. 

Eri not only parallels the scene where Tenko ran away from home immediately after losing his family, they also parallel the fact that both of them were racing through the crowds, hoping, desperately, that just one person would save them. 

They are both frightened children running away while being covered in scars, but here is the reaction that Eri gets, compared to the reaction that Tenko gets. 

This is a trick on Horikoshi’s part, using the visual art to convey framing. Framing is a technique of writing where ideas are written with the reader in mind, ensuring that the reader is able to understand what the author is trying to tell them. In other words it’s the characters within the story reacting to events in a certain way, as a device to convey the author’s intention or what they want you to understand. 

In the most basic terms if Deku saves a person, and all might pats him on the head and says that he did a good job saving someone. Then the message conveyed is that saving people is good. Events happen in a story and framing conveys a message. 

Then look at the difference between how these two scenes are framed. Eri is still cute, visually appealing, she has wide eyes and looks like an innocent lost child. When Tenko raises his eyes to look up at the old lady, his eyes are sunken in, his face is withered, and he looks like a monster child. The difference in this framing is to show the difference in how Eri and Tenko are perceived, even in the exact same circumstances, Eri is a child that needs to be saved, whereas Tenko is an ugly child that everyone looks away from. 

Horikoshi is not framing it this way to reinforce the idea that Eri is good and deserves to be saved, and Tenko is bad, rather he is showing how other people perceive Tenko as ugly in order to show their hypocrisy. The entire point of the scene in Tenko’s case is how wrong it is in the entire crowd not a single person tried to save him. 

Eri, and Tenko were both born into abusive households. A mother who abandons her daughter at the first sign of trouble, blames their child for everything, and then leaves her with the Yakuza was probably never much of a good mother in the first place. 

However, after exiting their first abusive household instead of heroes they were both found by villains who only had an interest in manipulating them. 

Chisaki, Eri’s father figure, and AFO Tenko’s father figure both repeatedly tell the children they are watching that the reason that they were born with this quirk is that they want to destroy. Both of them come to accept that it’s their fault for being born with this quirk, that they want this, that they exist to destroy. 

They both accept the lie that they are told. Their quirk manifested because they wanted it to, their quirk went out of control and killed their father because they wanted it to. They do not see themselves as tragic victims, but as the cause for all of the destruction around them. 

There is even a deliberately drawn intentional parallel to when Eri loses control of her quirk once again at the end of the arc, and when Shigaraki loses control of his quirk fighting against Re-Destro. 

They both hear the words of their abusers, and then lose control of their destructive quirks. The only difference being that Eri is crying and Shigaraki is laughing but this does not mean that Shigaraki is a bad person that lovs destruction, and Eri is a good person that hates when her quirk destroys and is therefore an innocent victim. 

The ways in which they lose control just manfiest differently. Shigaraki has been taught his entire life that destruction makes him feel better, that he was meant to destroy and that it was a good thing, he was literally groomed for this purpose. Whereas, Eri was taught that her destruction was a bad thing specifically to make her helpless and to not fight back against Chisaki. Eri was cultivated to be helpless, whereas AFO cultivated Shigaraki into someone who would actively want to destroy after AFO was gone. 

It’s almost like the environment they were raised in makes the signs of their victimhood manifest in different ways or something. Shigaraki’s laughter is no less of a cry for help then Eri’s crying. Shigaraki only laughs because he’s been pushed past the breaking point, had a trauma flashback in the middle of battle with a man who is trying to kill him, and has not eaten or slept regularly in a month. Yet, Shigaraki losing control is read as him being evil, and Eri’s losing control is read as her being a victim. 

The point being that if Chisaki was wrong when he said that Eri was made to destroy, then All for One was also wrong when he said that Shigaraki enjoys destruction. 

Chisaki and All for One both positioned themselves as Shigaraki and Eri’s father figures, and then used that position of power to control their entire lives. Neither of them saw Shigaraki or Eri as a person, only a tool for them to use to further their own ambitions. Therefore, neither of them could have known Shigaraki or Eri as a person. Everything they say about them as a person is wrong, because they only care about them to the extent of what they want to mould both children into. 

2. The Theme of the Overhaul Arc 

So, what were we as the leader supposed to learn from the Overhaul arc?  A simple answer would be “Heroes should have a frightened child in front of them, even if they’re not asking for help”. However, if the theme were just that we would hae what I call a no duh theme. 

A no duh theme is basically when the theme is so obvious that it’s kind of pointless to read about it in a story. For example if the theme was so simple as “killing people as bad” my response would be “no duh.” The point of stories is to develop ideas and learn something from them, so something has changed by the time you started the story to the time you finish it.

For example, Deku’s goal is a really vague one. I want to save people. Heroes save people. Those are pretty general statements. If Deku is the main character of the manga, his goal has to develop or change in some signficant way otherwise why are we following Deku this entire time? If he’s the same character at the beginning than at the end, then what is the point? 

The Deku from chapter one would have rushed to save Eri too. The entire point of the arc was not just saving Eri, because as far as hero-work goes saving a crying child who is a victim of a villain is pretty standard. The point is to bring up the idea of what saving people means. 

Of course no true hero would abandon a frighten child, of course Deku’s goal is to save everyone, but those statements are very generic and nonspecific. Not only that, but it’s also basically what All Might’s Goal was to begin with. Deku as a character has to surpass All Might, not just be a second All Might imitating his hero.

The point of the entire series is for Deku to grow into his own type of hero, and learn the kind of hero he wants to be. It’s easy for him to say “I want to be the hero who saves everyone” but now the story must challenge him to live up to it. Now, while Eri was a difficult fight, and was in pretty difficult circumstances to rescue her from, she also was a pretty black and white victim. She’s a crying child begging for help, of course you would want to save her. 

However, there are several ideas brought up in the process of saving Eri that are obviously set up for later cases where saving someone could be more complicated than just punching the bad guy and saving Eri from his hands. Even Eri herself is a more difficult situation because like any other child, the words that are told to her by the person who controlled her life, stay inside of her, and she cannot overcome them on her own until somebody else provides and outside perspective. 

Midoriya is met with someone who does not want to be saved. Who tells them to leave him alone, because of their abuser who controls their reality, who believes they cannot be saved and only exist to bring pain to others. Midoriya ignores that because he knows that it’s the words of their abuser speaking, and decides to save her anyway. 

The entire arc is a baseline. If Deku cannot save this person, than how can he become a person who saves everyone. It’s a test of what Deku really means when he says he wants to become a hero who can save anyone. 

The overhaul arc is an introduction, the first real taste of the difficulties and complexities of saving people, and also of it’s importance. Deku does the right thing and chooses to continue seeing Eri as a victim, rather than believing the words of her abuser. Even when eri herself believes them, because she is a child who literally has not been shown any other alternative. 

Therefore, thematically the end result of this path, for Deku to become a hero that truly saves everyone he has to grow into the kind of hero who can save Shigaraki as well. A victim who does not want to be saved, a victim who believes everything their abuser told them, a victim who believes they were born to destroy. 

It’s easy to sympathize with a crying girl like Eri. Shigaraki is a character who is much harder to sympathize with, and yet there are such obvious parallels between Midoriya and Shigaraki that it’s impossible we’re not building up to a conrontation where they sympathize with each other.

This is something that we are told over and over again in the story. That Shigaraki is a crimminal now. That he is not somebody that can be sympathized with, that he cannot be saved, only put down like a rabid dog. 

That heroes only exist to save good people. However, the central conflict of the story is literally this. That in a society of heroes there are people that do not get saved, not only that, but it is these clear and obvious gaps in hero society that creates it’s own villains. 

As pointed out by here twitter user [@ribai1] Images sourced to them. 

Shigaraki is a symbol of every victim that falls through the cracks of a hero system. In a way he is like a violent jungian shadow of society, which rises up due to society’s ignorance and neglect of the situation, of people like Shigaraki and Eri. 

Spinner is a NEET who is ostracised both for having a quirk that morphs his entire body, and also a weak quirk. He was someone who locked himself away from society because he could not handle it. At the same time Shigaraki is also someone who was raised outside of society. Due to that fact his perspective is that of an outsider looking in. Shigaraki speaks to Spinner because just like spinner, all of the good things about being accepted by society, friendship, camraderie, being accepted by others, being saved by others, all of these things are unavailable to Shigaraki the outsider. Hence why both Shigaraki and spinner lead relatively empty lives and are desperate to have some kind of cause that is against this society that does not welcome them. 

Shigaraki speaks to these people, because he is their symbol. He’s experienced the same things as all the outcasts, due to the fact that his entire life was destroyed, by Shimura Nana’s neglect, by a hero abandoning her child, by the system failing to save Shimura Tenko when he was in trouble, by All Might choosing to turn a blind eye to the child she abandoned and not even knowing of his existence, all of these factors build up to make Shigaraki the central victim of what is essentially the entral conflict of the hero system the ALL MIGHT VS AFO FIGHT. He has suffered the same way the outcasts have and thus he speaks to them. 

Shigaraki and Twice are both people who suffer from heavy mental illness, due to the fact that they suffered several consecutive ‘bad days’. Not a single person from that society reached out to help a hand, they were expected to handle it entirely on their own. Even though Twice was a sixteen year old who lost his parents in a villain attack he got no support. Even though Shigaraki was a child, not a single hero came to rescue him.

They both represent the irony that a literal society of heroes, will not save people like this, Shigaraki and Twice because they were bad, ugly victims. They both present their mental illness in an in your face, disturbing sort of way, despite the fact that Twice is a friendly guy looking for someone to understand his problems, despite the fact that Shigaraki is an orphaned child who is acting this way because the only father figure that took him in was a villain and he believes he owes him. 

Shigaraki and Toga are both labeled as outsiders because of their quirk. Both Toga’s own parents, and the Meta Liberation Army believe that it was Toga’s own quirk that drove her insane, and not her parents calling her a demon child and telling her to repress themselves. They only happened to be born with the quirk, but because nobody will accept them as who they are it comes to define their entire life.

Shigaraki and Chisaki are both children who were orphaned and picked up by a crimminal syndicate specifically because they have a powerful quirk. They are both raised into tools that have all of their humanity stripped away from them. And even then they feel obligated to pay back the people who used them, feeling like they owe them because it is their only paternal figure.

Shigaraki heavily parallels both Dabi (if he is Touya) and Shoto, as well as Hawks, because he was raised not as a child to be loved but as a hero. His primary reason for being picked up was because of his quirk. Todoroki and Shigaraki were raised as successors for another person, and not allowed to be their own person. They were both exposed to extreme amounts of violence when they were young. Shigaraki and Hawks both had their entire childhoods destroyed to be a tool of opposite sides, one a villain and one a hero.

Shigaraki even parallels Midoriya, as a quirkless kid who wanted to be a hero. Who was only bullied and put down, even by his own family members for just wanting to follow his dream. 

Not only that, but timing wise the Eri arc is literally also the first time we see Shigaraki drawn in a much more human light, and how different he is from the villain that first raided UA at the start of the manga by how he interacts with his allies. 

That there is a human behind the mask of a villain. 

Therefore, the Overhaul arc brings up the idea that saving people can be difficult, painful, but it’s also ultimately worth it to save victims who are in pain no matter how hard it might be. The reason this was brought up was not just for Eri’s sake, but to lay the groundwork for Shigaraki being saved. Because saving people is what heroes do. 

Shigaraki is center to that theme, because he parallels every victim in the manga and is the second most important character to the central conflict of the manga (the fight between AFO and OFA) to Deku himself. Which is why it’s important to understand that neither Shigaraki and Eri were born to destroy, they are both victims reacting to their individual circumstances. 

For Deku to grow as a character, for his words “I want to save everyone” to actually mean something, then he’s challenged to understand someone like Shigaraki who is difficult to understand, and that Shigaraki is also a part of everyone. 

#mha meta #my hero academia #my hero academia meta #my hero academia analysis #shigaraki tomura #shimura tenko #eri #eri mha #eri meta #shigaraki meta #midoriya izuku #meta

[bl4cklabyrinth]

ROCKIN’ON JAPAN August 2016 Interview Translation: Hiro talks about ANTITHESE, Budokan, and his past

Disclaimer: Please do not retranslate my work into other languages, as my translation may not be accurate. I am no Japanese or English native.

The biggest thank you to Anna for helping me get the magazine clippings!

Photo from here.

To what fate was he born and chosen to sing?

Thoughts on his family, his upbringing – a 20,000-character tell-all interview

To be honest, I didn’t expect Hiro to tell me this much about his life. By the time he responded to my proposal for a 20,000-character interview, he was already prepared to talk about his thoughts on his family, his upbringing, and what his songs mean to him. Be that as it may, I wasn’t expecting to hear so much about his conflicts with his family, his love towards them that was clearly in a changing phase, and the loneliness and circumstances he suffers from that no one else could ever experience.

Hiro tells us the reason behind this as he explains his relationship with (ROCKIN’ON) JAPAN, but he also details the story of how MY FIRST STORY created the masterpiece “ANTITHESE” and decided to stand on the fated Budokan stage. I believe Hiro’s songs will change immensely from hereon – they will become more impulsive, more passionate, and elicit stronger feelings of great potential. The life he is in, the life he is destined to live, in which singing was a matter of course from the moment he was born. This interview is a complete narrative of the turning point that made a significant change to his story, and the masterpiece of an album that was a turning point in itself. I hope you take the time to read it thoroughly.

- I think Hiro has dealt with loneliness and frustration really well over the years and has had to carry things from his upbringing that others couldn’t even begin to fathom. I feel like the time you’ve spent fighting like that has become the foundation of your form of expression. In that sense, the album “ANTITHESE” shows a lot about your personality, so for you to talk about your life is the same as talking about this album. 

Hiro: Yes, that’s right.

- Hiro wrote most of the songs as far as this album is concerned. Did this result in more Hiro songs?

Hiro: For this album, I thought of doing it all myself. For the longest time, it was always Sho who would make the original demos, add the melodies, change the chords, and subarrange, among other things. This time, I made the foundation for it myself. Rearranging it further was the hardest part, but it was the perfect timing and I knew I had to take charge, so I made up my mind to do so from the start. There was an overwhelming theme to this album and it couldn’t be done without me, so I thought that I should be the one making it. 

- Asking this now may seem out of the blue, but what is this overwhelming theme?

Hiro: My number one goal, or rather, what inspired me the most was definitely Budokan. It wasn’t finalized yet when we first started working on this album, but I felt like I could go to Budokan if we made this album. When I thought about what kind of album I should make for this purpose, I had an album in mind that I wanted to surpass no matter what, and I thought it made sense to go through trial and error to achieve that goal. That’s where the title “ANTITHESE” came from – the main point was to have an antithesis to a thesis. That was the biggest thing for me.

- So there was a clearly defined rival.

Hiro: Yes. It’s an album title that those in the music business, those who know of us, and those who are fans would definitely notice. On top of that, I knew it would without a doubt be the most controversial album of all time. I could’ve ignored that fact for a long while, but I have a tendency to look at things from a bird’s eye view. When the members became 4, when Budokan was decided, and when things started popping out left and right, I knew I shouldn’t run away from it forever. When the date for Budokan was set, I sort of felt like it was fate. I had never had a moment in my life where everything just clicked like this. If everything was connected up to this point and the ties will not be severed from hereon, then maybe I too should try riding the wave of that thread. With that in mind, I created this album.

- I see. The work on this album starts with the single “ALONE”, a song that focuses on “the proof of existence”. It’s very easy to understand that that’s where the story begins, because Hiro writes a lot about himself. I suppose the line “I’ve risked it all, even if it almost tore my lost heart into pieces” in “Nothing In The Story” is what your heart is screaming.

Hiro: That’s right.

- “I’ve risked everything for this,” you say. I’m sure you’ve had some frustration in not being able to express those feelings directly, but I also assume you tried to view things from a different point of view and accept that that’s just the way things are. However, you’d go, “If I do let things stay the way they are, my story will not move on from here.”

Hiro: That’s true. I’m not mature enough to be enlightened on the way things are, and no matter how hard I look at the bigger picture, subjectivity definitely goes in there somewhere. It wasn’t something I could give up so easily.

- You didn’t want to be compared to anyone else, you wanted to be recognized for who you are and move upwards as you are now.

Hiro: That’s what I find most difficult. It would be unbearable if I think about it too much, and I don’t know the right thing to do either. I am who I am now because of everything I’ve been through. If you are currently at a certain point in your life, then to go back to square one would be to deny the person you are today, but it all gets complicated when you’re not content with where you are now. I think this album was about coming to terms with that and deciding what to do from there.

- You’ve written all sorts of songs, but you’re only trying to say one thing. You’re earnestly writing songs that convey, “It’s these things that have made me who I am”.

Hiro: That’s right. The theme was hard.

- “Kimi no Uta”, for instance. It’s all in Japanese.

Hiro: I used more Japanese this time. It was composing the songs that was harder than anything else. The lyrics weren’t easy either, but once I got them right, I went deep into writing them. I’m not the type to compose music logically at all. I’d start with a melody and add backing tracks little by little, but if a good melody doesn’t come up then it doesn’t get my approval. Apart from that, this time I had an overwhelming challenge in mind that I didn’t want to be pulled too far in the direction of, but if I strayed too far away from it, I might not be able to get the message across. It was really, really difficult at the time.

- In any case, you’re calling this album “ANTITHESE”, so it wasn’t about making something friendly and having the world accept it. For Hiro, making “ANTITHESE” wasn’t about creating an album showcasing your skills or technique. It was about putting everything you had on the line.

Hiro: I’ve been trying not to show much of myself for as long as I could remember, but I couldn’t help thinking that this work was non-negotiable. I felt like I was finally going somewhere. It’s really scary, though. In the past, I would’ve had a wider perspective in choosing which songs I liked on the album, what order I should put the songs in, or which songs would be a hit among the rest, but this time I didn’t think about any of that at all. I was completely engrossed in making this album, so much so that it was the first time in a long while that I was able to relax after I finished recording “Home” last and wondered if the album was going to be okay. I had never made an album this controversial before, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how people react to it, having made it on the assumption that it was going to be criticized.

- So you recorded “Home” last.

Hiro: It was the very last song I recorded.

- This is the final number, right? People would think, “Are you really gonna write this much?” You’re literally singing about your family.

Hiro: That’s right. Really though, this song has everything you need for a 20,000-character interview (laughs). As I had come to accept myself recently, I wanted to express something that I had finally been able to digest. Up until now, I’d been depicting it in a very abstract way. I thought I had dipped my toes in the water for some songs, but I had never really submerged myself into it. That was the case for “Itsuwari NEUROSE” – I thought that that would be the be-all and end-all. When I pondered on which part of myself I personally wanted to share, I thought that the circumstances I grew up with and the sensibilities I had at the time were everything. Then I thought to myself, “There’s no other band like this”. I’d been asked what sets us apart from other bands in other interviews, but it isn’t about losing or not losing. I can say with absolute confidence that they couldn’t possibly win. It feels like I’m the main character in a role-playing game. The protagonist never dies, right? They come back to life over and over again until they defeat the last boss, they level up and equip all sorts of weapons. I had a much stronger feeling than certainty that I couldn’t die. That being the case, when I considered what everyone wanted to see, I thought that it would be the moment the hero takes down the villain and the ending. I think that is our story. We’re probably the easiest and hardest band to empathize with, but it was only recently that I realized that we are the ones who could change that. It was only recently that I’d come to deal with that fact. That was around last winter, when we were in the middle of making the album. I feel like I had finally changed my destiny with this album. For this reason, I thought that I wouldn’t be able to beat the almighty devil king or god unless I read the story behind why they appeared in the first place. Then, I linked that to my own life. However, I think that prologue would look completely different from the hero’s point of view and the villain’s point of view. Because of this, I didn’t want to end things with only one side of the story. To put it another way, that (one side) would be the most dominant part of my personality. As I see it, I feel like my past is my everything. However it may have been, I’ve always wanted to relay everything in a song, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t know how. But once we decided to create this album, it all felt like it was going to be fine. Down to the music and the lyrics, we had a specific theme and image for each song, especially for “Home”. I think this song plays the most important role out of all of the songs we’ve made thus far. The very existence of this song will lead to so many things.

- To use your words just now, if you don’t write this song, you wouldn’t be able to show the side of you that makes you who you are and the side of you that you have to look into the most, which will lead to you being judged. 

Hiro: Yes. I think about myself quite often, don’t I? Well… Would it be okay to tell you everything?

- Of course. If you have a lot to say, please go ahead.

Hiro: Alright. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how there’s no other family as ridiculous as ours. No other family has changed the industry like ours has. Both parents sing, and their sons sing as well. Moreover, two of those sons are in a band. I don’t think it’s common for most families to have thoroughbreds succeed thoroughbreds, and you don’t see families where most of the members get to stand on the Budokan stage very often either (laughs). I thought that being able to do that was fate. I was born into such a family, and even though I was the one who decided to go down this path, I feel like even that was predetermined. Just because I started making music doesn’t mean I’ll be able to play at Budokan. I think the odds of that happening are astronomical already. But I’d been fighting against those odds ever since, so if I had already made it this far, then maybe I should ride that fate out and see where it takes me. I wanted to see how things pan out, and that’s what changed within me.

- I see.

Hiro: Our guitarist Sho went on hiatus, Masack left the band and we became 4, we released an album, then decided on Budokan which will be taking place on November 18th. Budokan’s schedule is pretty packed, isn’t it? I don’t think that us being able to hold a show there in November was a coincidence. With all this happening one after the other, I couldn’t make excuses for myself anymore. That being said, what do I do now? When we first started the band, I was thinking of saying it all at Zepp, but when I got to stand there, I thought I wasn’t ready to talk yet. The view from the stage as a performer was closer than I thought it would be when I was still watching as a part of the audience. Because of that fear, I thought it was a bit too early to be talking about Budokan. But when I thought about it clearly, Budokan would be a slightly different case compared to Yokohama Arena or Saitama Super Arena. Budokan and Tokyo Dome were different. Then when I wondered how many years it would take for us to get to Tokyo Dome, I knew everyone wouldn’t want to wait that long. With that in mind, I set my heart on going nowhere but Budokan. The thing is, I couldn’t change the fact that so many artists are able to perform at Budokan. The value of Nippon Budokan wasn’t gonna diminish as I had imagined it to, but that value would inevitably change as more people became able to play on that stage. That being the case, I always said that we should hold a Budokan show that only we can do. When asked what kind of show that would be, I knew it had to be one that would surpass the Budokan show from 6 years ago. I think that that was the only way we could conquer Budokan, and that we were the band that should be doing just that. Over the years, there had been many twists and turns to be able to achieve that goal, such as members going on hiatus, quitting the band, joining the band, and touring around all 47 prefectures, but if it will only take us 5 years to stand on the Budokan stage, then the stakes will all be worth it. To stand in Budokan on November 18th – that in itself means a lot already.

- To sing “Home” at Budokan on November 18th holds a lot of meaning for Hiro, and it would be the first time the band MY FIRST STORY will be playing as the protagonist. Truly, in the essence of Hiro’s being, life, and values, MY FIRST STORY will become a band that can compete with everyone else. 

Hiro: I guess so. I don’t want to lose, of course, but we’re not trying to match anyone either. Rather, it all starts from here, from the moment I made up my mind to stand on the starting line, or the moment I finished warming up and got myself in a ready position. I feel like this is where the competition to see who can do the fastest time begins.

- Hiro is the only person in the world who has the right to stand on the starting line, huh.

Hiro: That’s right.

- I would assume you also thought about just running on a different lane.

Hiro: That’s true. There was a part of me that was already happy with doing just that. It was definitely my weak side. But if fate was going to lead us to where we are now, then there was no point in running away anymore. I think it’s more like me to face things head on. I think I would have never seen the real me had I not decided to confront my fears. This time, our moment had finally come, so I’d be happy if everyone understood that.

- I’m not on the level of understanding just yet (laughs). This song is amazing. “Now I want to go beyond, now I want to go beyond”. And the lyrics after that, “Sometimes I watch the TV and hear family’s voice”.

Hiro: I think I’m the only one who can write these lyrics. I actually came up with these lyrics around the time we made “Second Limit”. It’s an homage to the lyrics of Avril Lavigne that went something like, “I was listening to the radio and Radiohead was playing” (T/N: I assume he was referring to Avril Lavigne’s song “Here’s To Never Growing Up”). I don’t think there are a lot of people who are in a position to embody such a line to this extent, and to express it in terms of “him” or “her” instead of proper nouns. I’d been thinking about that since I wrote “Second Limit”, but no matter how I looked at it, it wasn’t the right time to put it out just yet. It was refreshing to finally be able to write it out. I tend to get easily distracted, and even if I find something cool, it’s unlikely that it stays that way for long. This was the only feeling I had that never changed or once wavered. Since I’m still feeling the same way 5 years later, I thought it would be a good idea to finally write it down. In a way, I think it had held a bit of my rebelliousness from back in the day. I also used to care too much about what other people thought of me. It felt like I was weirdly acting like a grown up, even if I was still far from being one. It felt like I was being strangled more and more. I was concerned about what people would think if I said such a thing, but if they still had something to say despite me not saying anything, then I might as well lay it all out then be told off afterwards instead (laughs). If I were told off after I’d said my piece, it would be a good rallying point and it would be possible to reach a compromise.

- It’s like you’ve climbed up all this way just to sing this song. “Even if I can’t go back to those memories, I will not run away from you” – does this part bear meaning to you personally as well?

Hiro: This one, no. Only the beginning.

- So it was just written for writing’s sake.

Hiro: Yeah. But I wrote that line with the hope of the song in mind. It wasn’t 100% me, it was more of Hiro from MY FIRST STORY. Of course Hiro from MFS would appear in this song. So I had them both mixed up here in these two lines.

- Now, let me ask you something else. First and foremost, when is your birthday?

Hiro: January 25, 1994.

- What’s your earliest memory?

Hiro: Maybe when our house was built. The house was built around the same time I was born. I don’t think I was old enough to understand anything at all, but I remember looking at it from the outside while my father was carrying me. I was like, “Wow~ Amazing~”. I guess that was my first ever memory.

- How would you describe the shade of that memory?

Hiro: ...If I had to choose, it would probably be a warm memory. It might not go all the way up the scale, but it’s a memory with a temperature, if anything. 

- You were around a year old?

Hiro: Yeah, more or less.

- But you remember that scene happening.

Hiro: I remember it vividly. I don’t know, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but for better or for worse, I don’t have any memories of spending time with my family. Moreover, it feels strange to have the world know about my family. We had such a special relationship that it was almost as if my grade school classmates knew my mother and father better than I did. It’s like, “That guy on TV is my father” – that’s about as uncomfortable as it’s gonna get. Everyone would tell me, “That’s your dad”, and I’d be thinking, “Is that so?” I had never simply played catch with him, never gone anywhere for the end of the year, and I had never even had a home-cooked meal before, so I had really weird feelings towards my family. I know they’re important, but I think they’re less important to me than most people are. If the average person weighs 100 percent to me, it would only be about 70 or 60 percent for my family – they lack the remaining 30 or 40 percent. It’s not that I don’t like them or am bitter towards them, it’s kind of like, even I don’t understand why. I’ve always felt strangely towards my family, so I think that’s why I was able to write this song. I guess it’s because I was born last, so my memories of family were a lot shorter compared to those of my brothers. I never felt bad about that though, and I’m able to do all of this now because of that. If things had gone well, I’m sure I would have been one hell of a little shit (laughs). I can affirm that, but it’s kind of hard to understand so I can’t really explain it.

- What kind of kid were you?

Hiro: I don’t think I’ve changed much. I was pretty stubborn, and I wouldn’t yield even if I said something wrong. I used to lie a lot, too. We weren’t allowed to have cup ramen at home, but I would hide and buy some from the convenience store. If I got found out, I would say I didn’t know anything (laughs). Even if it was in my room, I would say, “It wasn’t me, didn’t mom put that there?” then run away.

- When did you first become aware of music?

Hiro: Hmm, when I was in my second year in high school. Until then, music was just always in the air. Music would naturally be playing at home, and I would listen to music when I’m out of the house as well. My parents would sing songs and stuff. It was always just there. That was how it had always been, so I didn’t pay attention to it for a long time. But when I was in my second year in high school, everyone started deciding what to do in the future, and my friends said they were going to university. 3 years in middle school and 3 years in high school were enough to make me sick of being a student, so I didn’t wanna go there. Thing is, there wasn’t anything I wanted to do either. When I was thinking about what I should do, I don’t know when it happened, but there was a moment when I realized that music was something I could make a career out of. Up until then, there were barely any hurdles for me to make music my profession. When the idea popped up in my head, I made up my mind immediately with no hesitation. I hadn’t been able to take part in any of the club activities until then, but since music was what I had always been doing at the time, I knew this was the only thing I could do. I just didn’t see the point in not pursuing music when I was allowed to do so anyway. I thought that life wouldn’t be as fun anywhere else. It was the first time I became aware of something I had always taken for granted.

- Have you been singing since you were a kid?

Hiro: Mostly just humming. I would look at the lyrics and sing along as I listened to minidiscs and stuff like that. If my dad happened to come home while I was singing in the living room, I would turn off the music right away. He would point out that my pitch was off and in my head I’d be like, “Shut up”. That’s why I didn’t really sing in front of my parents. I guess I would have been able to sing if both my brothers were with me, but all I could think of at the time was that they were all so annoying. 

- You still didn’t have feelings of liking singing at the time, huh.

Hiro: I didn’t. It’s a part of the necessities of life that I can’t live without – it’s only natural to have music. In other words, I don’t really understand the power that music brings. Sometimes I would think that music could change people or that music could change the world, and I say so in my MCs too, but I rarely think about it. I can’t say that music could change the world or that music could change people, because music is a natural part of life. I would think, “I don’t mean this in a bad way at all, but how can music save someone?”

- So you’re not overly attached to music, huh.

Hiro: Right. It’s my destiny already after all. I don’t have any emotional attachment to my own life either, because it’s like, “I’m alive right now (and that’s all that matters)”. But whenever I get asked what life means to me, I’m really not exaggerating when I say that I would plainly answer “music”. I don’t feel emotionally attached to it, but if it’s not there then I would die. Because it’s who I am.

- Everyone tries to attach emotions to their personal experiences. Some people have stories like, “When I heard that riff by Nirvana in my second year in middle school, I knew I wanted to be a musician, so with that one riff, everything changed”. On the other hand, in Hiro’s case, your life was set up right from the start.

Hiro: Yep. From the very day I was born.

- Did you ever try to pursue anything else apart from music?

Hiro: I wanted to try a lot of things. Music wasn’t even on the list until my second year in high school, so I thought about doing all sorts of jobs like being a comedian or a baseball player. But I started to think that I wasn’t going to be a kid forever, so I decided against it. I found myself face to face with reality. 

- We all once wrote our dreams for the future in our grade school yearbooks, right? What did you write in yours?

Hiro: I don’t remember. I wasn’t the type of kid who took those things seriously, and I didn’t have to think about it from the third grade up to my third year in middle school. I thought I could get away with it, I guess. But when that time of my life ended, I thought to myself, “Well, what am I going to do?” That was what the second son (T/N: Tomohiro Moriuchi) was particularly agitated about. Every time I saw him, he would ask me, “What are you going to do in the future?” Music didn’t come up whenever my family asked me what my dream was, so it seriously wasn’t an option. I wasn’t mature enough to really think about it that much, and when I was in middle school and high school, I was happy as long as I had fun every day. I thought my life would be over after high school. I didn’t think it would last beyond that. That was when I met our producer. The first thing he said to me was, “You look like a good singer. Are you in a band?” At the time, it had been around 2 days since the band I had with our guitarist Teru disbanded. I answered, “I’m not. Our band just broke up the other day actually,” and he replied, “I see. Let’s start a band.” I thought that was really sloppy of him (laughs), but my band had just broken up, so I said, “Sure.” Then he asked me to come to the studio a week later. I sang at the studio, but the recording we had was pretty intense. I thought I wasn’t cut out for it, but they said my voice was cool and that we should start a new band. Nob and Masack were on the bass and drums back then, so I started a band with those 3. After that, we decided to bring in another guitarist, and just my luck, Teru said he wanted to play with me again. I was in a huge hurry at the time. Everyone around me was in high school, and we kept getting booked by livehouses, playing shows, and paying extra because we didn’t reach our quota. It had me wondering until when this was going to last. I was graduating soon, and my friends in high school along with their other friends were my entire community, so I knew it would be a disaster if all of that disappeared. I was living in a very small world, but everything changed when I met our producer. The possibilities, the range and depth of options, all unlike anything I had ever seen before. I was overwhelmed by the speed at which things were happening, but I was also relieved.

- I see.

Hiro: The first 2 years was all about the simple joys of being in a band. When we went on our first tour or show, everyone came and paid for their own tickets, and I was genuinely glad to be standing there as a professional. The members were all serious about what they were doing too, so that made me really happy as well. Up until then, it was normal for me to hear, “Sorry, I have to go to cram school”, “I have to study”, I have a part-time job”, so getting rid of that alone made me so happy I could die. As I released more and more of my music, my own emotions started to grow, and things gradually changed from then on. I think it was around the time we made “Saishuukai STORY” when MY FIRST STORY became a part of me. All this time, I was screaming and just going with the flow, but then all of a sudden, I became an adult. 

- It’s ironic, isn’t it? In your case, music was always by your side, yet the realization that being in a band was fun came later than most people.

Hiro: That’s true. I’ve been asked what the first ever CD I bought was in so many interviews, but that question is incredibly hard for me to answer (laughs). I seriously don’t remember it at all. All this time, I had only been giving half-assed answers because it’s not something people would understand unless they’ve heard my story, but I’d never been able to share my story up until now. When I was in middle school or high school, I felt like ROCKIN’ON JAPAN was the number one magazine out there. I thought it was the king of music magazines, and I was deeply attached to it. Then, when we started the band, I was thinking of speaking up for the first time at Zepp or Budokan, but I’d decided that this (magazine) would be the first place I talk about my life.

- Is that so?

Hiro: Then, since the timing was perfect with this 20,000-character interview, and since Koyanagi-san will be the one interviewing me, I thought that today was the day I should finally speak up. I’d never spoken about it before, I didn’t have the guts to, and I had quite a few things left unsettled up until now. It feels great to finally be able to talk about it now for the first time. 

- You deal with music in a very unique way, huh. To illustrate, it’s like water and air to you. “The air saves me every day!” Don’t you agree? (laughs)

Hiro: I do! I don’t think anyone appreciates being able to breathe air every day. Everybody just lives off of that life force, so I couldn’t help thinking deeply about it. 

- When did music become a form of expression for you?

Hiro: Expression… I don’t know if I’ve ever thought of it that way. I sing about proving my existence in “ALONE”, but in my mind, it’s not as strong a proof of existence as everyone imagines it to be. I’m really just doing it because I love it. I simply want to hear new songs in my own voice. I’ve always done it as an extension of my hobby, so I don’t really understand the fact that I’m getting paid to do this. I’m like, what’s this compensation reward for? I don’t think I’ll ever leave music behind no matter how much it changes, so I don’t really feel like I’m doing it for self-expression. 

- I see. I want to ask you a few more questions about your past. What kind of student life did you have when you were in grade school and middle school?

Hiro: I was just having fun. Well, I was a bit of a naughty kid from around my second year in middle school (laughs). I didn’t go to school much. I didn’t have a lot of friends in middle school. I was rather popular until around my first year so I was just going with the flow, but just like how a nail that sticks out gets hammered down, I was pushed to the side hard (T/N: ignored) in my second year or so. I couldn’t make any friends and I was always lonely. Even in my third year in middle school, I would play outside instead of going to school. Then, I joined the music club in my third year in high school. I heard that students weren’t allowed to join clubs in their senior year because they would be sure to participate in the school festival. They’d have club homeroom every Wednesday, so that was when I asked them, “Please let me join the club.” I didn’t feel like I would lose to any of the guys in that room, so I said, “Please let me participate in the school festival,” and with that they told me, “Fine, if you insist”. At the time, the best performers out of everyone in the club gathered together and did covers and original songs. I was already with MFS back then, so we were touring around non-stop. That being said, we decided to hold a performance that would overwhelmingly crush the top band at the school festival, and we went home with a bang. When I got to my senior year, I thought, “Yikes, I’ve only got 1 year left to be a student”, so I decided to do a ton of things that I could only do then. I became a member of the executive committee for events and was involved in organizing the athletic and cultural festivals. That’s why my senior year in high school was pretty free and fun. All things considered, I think both my middle school and high school days paved the way to where I am today. I was living in a society where that community was everything, so I couldn’t help feeling a sense of loneliness when I was withdrawn from it, but I was able to meet so many people and realize that I was struggling in such a small world. 

- Hiro’s way of life is pretty flexible in a way, huh? You’re willing to accept things because that’s just how they were meant to be. It’s a special ability you were able to learn, isn’t it?

Hiro: The past isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to say these kinds of things in my songs. You don’t know what kind of person is going to be listening, and a song is only 3 minutes long. There’s only so much text you can squeeze in. For example, you can’t expect some random person passing by to suddenly give you good advice. And even if what they said was right, you don’t even know them. There are people who don’t share the same pain, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to put the band on the line and dedicate everything to a single group of people. That’s why I write songs about my story. 

- I strongly feel you on that. When it comes to your manner of songwriting, you don’t say, “This is how it should be”. You’d answer your own questions, and if someone else sympathizes with you in doing so, then great.

Hiro: Yeah, exactly. It’s easy to put up a façade, but I believe people can grow by showing their weaknesses and making other people think. It’s no good to just show the answer to a problem; the most important part of the process is to think about why you got the answer you got. I think life is a repetition of these things. I don’t want to tell people they can change. I don’t really like being pushy.

- Hiro doesn’t say, “This is black” in his songs. You endlessly ask yourself, “Is it white? Is it black?” That’s what everyone says – “It’s different for each person”. But I think Hiro truly understands that each person is different. I believe that’s how you’ve been living your life. Perhaps that’s the reason your self-questioning lyrics are so compelling. In this album, Hiro writes, “This is what the shape of my heart is like now”. This piece was the first time you tried to frame your own mind.

Hiro: I think I’m a really, really twisted person. If I’m moved by something I see, I think people who could see things from a normal perspective would be even more moved by it. I’m pretty confident about that. So whenever I find something cool, I’d say, “It’s cool, isn’t it?” I’m not trying to impose. The fact that I was able to think a certain way and keep going with that in mind is the reason I’m here today, I believe. That’s what it all comes down to. I think this is the most direct I’ve ever been able to express myself, not in an abstract way. 

- You were able to write in specifics without escaping to the abstract. It’s truly an incredible album.

Hiro: Thank you.

- You mentioned at the beginning of this interview that there was something stronger than certainty already in place. What would that be?

Hiro: To release our 4th album, at the age of 22, as 4 members, playing Budokan in November after having been together for 5 years… It’s scary, isn’t it? How things led up to this point. With everything turning out that way, I knew I wanted to exceed the album from that time at all costs. I thought that doing so would be the best way to prove my existence. I’m absolutely sure that there was something stronger than certainty about that.

- Something along the lines of, “I will face my destiny”, or “I will live my destiny”?

Hiro: Yeah. I guess it’s somewhere in between facing my destiny and living my destiny. I do think it’s more important to face it though, and I feel like Budokan is the perfect stage for that. But as you would expect, I definitely don’t want to lose. This is the first time I’m talking about this, but our motive for starting the band, or our biggest ambition if you will is, as mentioned earlier, the fact that there is no other family like mine. There’s the father and the mother whose sons were rascals, but one’s in a successful band that’s doing well overseas, too. “Their son is just as amazing”, “What a great family” – this is our current image to the public. The story I want to tell, however, is that there’s also a younger brother in the picture who’s even better. That’s the ideal story we wanted to create. We’ll go into battle as the select few in order to make this a reality, so we have no desire whatsoever to join a major label like they did. How can we go above and beyond? That’s my biggest dream, so I’m running forward to achieve just that. But like I said before, it feels like I’m trying to view the public’s image of my family objectively. I’m not in that circle. As I say in “Home”, I don’t belong in that circle; I’m connected to it, but I’m somehow outside of it and am trying to break it with no hesitation. It’s a strange feeling, but I strongly stand by it. If you take this into consideration when listening to this song, you’ll see it in a completely different light. It’s not just a simple desire to not lose – it’s a more complex emotion with a different direction.

- You’re not just saying it’s a rivalry. It’s not about who should win, it’s about the situation you were given.

Hiro: I want to seize my destiny. With such strong blood, strong DNA, and a strong destiny, I truly don’t feel like I will lose to anyone. It’s like, “Sorry, but you’re definitely not gonna win. Because there’s no other family like mine.” I don’t have an emotional attachment to the idea of family like everybody else does, and I don’t really understand what it’s all about, so I’d discuss it with my friends when we go out for drinks. I had kept it to myself all this time and never told anyone about it, but I started to loosen up and was able to talk about it. I don’t know if people would understand my situation, and they probably won’t, which made me think that I was the only one suffering from this. Then I thought it might be a good idea to turn this into a song.

- 22 years old, 4 members, November, Budokan. The whole journey was written in this song, wasn’t it? I think this interview was very meaningful because of this album and song, and that everyone’s emotions are headed in the right direction towards Budokan.

Hiro: I believe there are people who realize what it means to us to perform at Budokan in November. Some people think that’s amazing. Now that this album is out, the mystery is finally solved. “Now I understand. You can do it, MFS” – I hope everyone looks forward to Budokan having this in mind. That’s what we mean by holding a Budokan show that only we can do.

#my first story #マイファス #Hiro #print #2016 #translating this was one hell of a ride #all I have to say is #ily Hiro bb

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

The Last Word: Shirley Manson on Fighting the Patriarchy and How Patti Smith Inspires Her

The Garbage singer also talks racial justice, living for now, and why legacy is an inherently masculine concern

Almost as soon as Garbage’s self-titled debut blew up overnight in 1995, their singer, Shirley Manson, became aware of the patriarchy running the music industry. Even though she was the group’s focal point — belting dusky electro-rock songs about making sense of depression (“Only Happy When It Rains”) and taking pride in nonconformity (“Queer”) — she was still a woman fronting a band of men, one of whom, Butch Vig, had produced Nirvana’s Nevermind. Almost immediately, she felt as though her role in the group was being devalued — not by the guys she worked with, but externally.

“There was a lot of stuff written about me in the music press, and that’s when I started to realize how I’m being diminished, how, in some cases, I’m being completely eradicated from the narrative because I’m female and not a man,” she says now. “I was talked over by lawyers; I was ignored by managers. The list goes on. It’s boring and tedious; there’s no point in me moaning about it now, but certainly, that was my awakening.”

That revelation emboldened her to speak out about equality and she quickly became a feminist icon, using her platform to bring attention to human rights, mental health, and the AIDS crisis. All the while, she wrote inclusive hit songs with Garbage about androgyny and reproductive rights (“Sex Is Not the Enemy”). On Garbage’s great new album, No Gods No Masters, she grapples with racial injustice, climate change, the patriarchy, and her own self-worth. But as weighty as the subject matter is, she approaches each song in her own uniquely uplifting way.

“I don’t think really the record is serious, per se,” the singer, 54, says, on an early May phone call. “I think it’s an indignant record. I think in indignance you can still carry humor with you, as well as softness, kindness, and love in your heart. I just felt it would be inauthentic to say anything other than what I was saying in my daily life across the dinner table from my friends and my family. I think as you get older as an artist, the challenge is, ‘How I can be my most authentic self?’ because that’s the most unique story I can tell. In an industry that’s just absolutely jam-packed to the rafters with ideas, opinions, melodies, and so on, you can’t afford to be anything other than your most authentic self. It won’t last.”

Authenticity and being true to herself are the qualities that have made Manson who she is. And those traits seem to guide her answers to Rolling Stone’s questions about philosophy, life lessons, and creature comforts for our Last Word interview.

What are the most important rules that you live by? I’m 54, which is ancient for the contemporary music industry. At this point, I feel like if it’s not fun, then I’m uninterested entirely. If somebody’s treating me poorly, I have to walk away. Life is so fricking short, and I’m three quarters of the way through mine already; I just want to have a good life, full of joy.

Who are your heroes and why? Patti Smith is a huge hero for me for a lot of different reasons. Most importantly, it’s because she’s a woman who has navigated her creative life so beautifully and so artfully, with such integrity and authenticity, and she has proven to me that a woman, an artist, does not have to subscribe to the rules of the contemporary music industry.

It’s very rare for other women to see examples of women actually working still in their seventies. That, to me, is really thrilling and really inspiring, and it fills me with hope. At times when you come up against the ageism, sexism, and misogyny that exists in our culture, I always try and picture Patti in my mind’s eye, and it always brings me back to center, like, “OK, adhere to your own rules. Design your own life. Be your own architect. You can continue to be an artist the rest of your life.” And to me, that’s life. That is a fully lived life.

You’re also a role model yourself. How do you handle that responsibility? I’m a bit speechless if the truth be told. I realize that I’ve now enjoyed a long career in music, and by default, I think people are inspired by that. I think whenever you see an artist, no matter who they are, when someone can endure, I think that’s exciting to everybody else, because it’s a message that says, “You too can get up when you think you’re done. You too can brush yourself off and try again.” By just continuing, you can help other people continue and fulfill themselves in ways that they thought they wouldn’t be able to.

I try to be a decent person. I make mistakes. I fuck people off. I say stupid shit. I’m not all-knowing; I am ignorant in so many ways. But I do try my best. I think that’s really all I can ask of myself.

How others perceive me is absolutely out of my control. There’s always going to be people who think I’m an arsehole, and that’s just part and parcel of being in the public eye. People are just going to hate on you, so I try not to take too much of it in; I don’t let it absorb me too much. I have gotten to that point in my life when I’m able to just go, “You know what? Fuck it. You can’t win them all.”

You once said that the idea of legacy was a masculine construct that you don’t believe in. Do you still feel that way? Yeah. I still very much believe in that. I know a lot of male artists who bang on about their legacy and their importance. Not to knock that if that’s what’s important to you but for me personally, what do I care? I’m going to be dead and gone and totally unconscious of any so-called legacy that I might leave behind. I want fun now. I want to have a good life now. I want to eat good food now and have great sex. It’s absolutely meaningless to me what happens after I’m gone. I want to use my time wisely, and that’s all that I really am concerned with, to be honest.

What is it about legacy that’s inherently masculine? This is armchair psychology, so please forgive me, but I’m sure it has something to do with how women have this uterus that can bear children. I think that’s profound. One of the few gifts that men have not been given is that ability to create with your body, and your blood, and your heat and all these nutrients from your body. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why you don’t hear as many women banging on about the great legacy they’re going to leave behind. I think for women it’s their kids.

You’re Scottish. What is the most Scottish thing about you these days? I’ve got a lot of grit, and it’s served me really well in my career. I think that is a really Scottish trait. The Scottish people are tough, and they also have a good sense of humor. So, grit with humor. I should say “gritted with humor,” in the same way we grit roads.

As you were saying “grit,” it occurred to me that a lot of your songs are about survival and moving forward, going back to “Stupid Girl” or “Only Happy When It Rains.” They’re about perseverance. [Pauses] I think it’s funny you should say that because I’m just sort of like, “Wow, he might be right.” I do think that a huge theme for me is, “How do you overcome? How do we all overcome?” Things can be great for a while; things will not be great forever. And to every single life, these challenges appear. We all have to reconfigure ourselves in order to try to hurl ourselves over obstacles in order to have the kind of life we hope for. So I do think you’ve shocked me a little by discovering a theme for me. Yay, I feel thrilled. I have a theme. It’s exciting.

“Waiting for God” is one of my favorite songs on the album because of the way you address racial justice. How can we, as a society, fight white indifference? You know, that’s a question right there. It’s interesting that you use the words “white indifference,” because one of the things that shocked me so greatly is the ambivalence and the apathy of white people all over the world who are seeing what we’re seeing on our TVs and on the internet, and yet not having the moral courage to speak up. I think the most important thing we can do is pull back the carpet to see the mess on the floor in order for us to actually start cleaning it up.

If we could curtail some of the brutality of police against black people, that would be a good start. I think it’s going to be decades and decades and decades before we can start to really equalize our societies so that everyone is enjoying the spoils of Western wealth over in the developing world. It’s necessary that we try and help these countries that aren’t as powerful or as wealthy. It’s good for the whole world if we start to improve situations for everyone. Nobody will lose anything, and everyone has everything to gain.

But if I had the answers to how we go about fixing it, I would be in politics and not in music. I just know what I believe to be right, and I’m doing my best to use my voice to try and encourage my friends, my little ecosystem, to start with paying attention and supporting black businesses and elevating black voices and black talent.

What’s your favorite book? I have so many. The one that springs to mind would be American Pastoral by Philip Roth. I loved All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy. I loved The Collected Works of Billy the Kid by Michael Ondaatje. I loved Winnie the Pooh and Wuthering Heights. I’ve got so many that have really stuck with me that are classics.

My most favorite recent book that I’ve just finished reading is Dancer by Colum McCann about [Russian ballet dancer Rudolf] Nureyev. I was just absolutely mesmerized by it. It was just such a fantastic read, and he’s such a miraculous writer. He brought out Apeirogon last year about the struggle in between Palestine and Israel. He talks about this complicated mess with such clarity, kindness, and generosity. I couldn’t believe Apeirogon didn’t get more fuss made of it last year. Somehow it just seemed to get buried in the morass of other books, and of course the suffering that Covid had brought upon the earth.

What advice do you wish you could give your younger self? “Take up your space.” When I was growing up, to be a girl was to be told to minimize the space you took up: “Close your legs. Don’t be loud. Smile. Be cute. Be attractive. Be pleasing.” I inherently balked against that as a kid. I was a rebellious kid, and I wasn’t going to sit in the corner and be quiet. I’ve never been like that. However, looking back, I still notice some of the patterns of my own compliance. It’s not that I hate myself for it, but I just wish I could turn around and say to my young self, “Take your seat. If there’s not a seat there, drag a seat up to the table and sit down.”

I’m still really aware of the sexism and misogyny that I have had to battle throughout my career. I’m not crying, “Woe is me,” because I’ve obviously flourished in my career, and it obviously didn’t hold me back enough to hamper me in any way. But I feel for all the women who were unlike me, who didn’t have my forcefulness of personality, or my education, or my ability to articulate myself. I want that for all people, though; I want all people to stop trying to please, and accept that some people will like that, and some people won’t, and that’s OK. It’s OK that some people just don’t dig you.

On the topic of gender, I got a kick out of your song “Godhead,” where you ask if people would treat you differently “if I had a dick.” I’m really proud of that song, because I think it’s talking about something really serious, and it’s really fun. It’s about addressing the patriarchy, and how omnipresent it is. When I was young, I was so busy trying to make it, I didn’t see that there was a patriarchy in place. And it’s only as an adult, I start looking back going, “Oh, wow — when that A&R man told me to my face that he wanked over pictures of me, that was really uncool.” But at the time, you kind of laugh it off and just press on.

I was oblivious to it. In this song, I’m talking about how patriarchy bleeds into absolutely everything, specifically under organized religion. The “Godhead” is the male, and we are all under the godhead forever, and that’s unquestioned, and how crazy is that? Because a dude holds a higher position in society, because he’s got a dick and a pair of balls. Often, these balls are smaller than my own [laughs].

It just gets silly after a while, when you watch other men protect other men just for the sake of protecting the patriarchy. So few men are willing to speak up about bro culture and call into question the behavior of the men they are associated with. There’s just a reluctance by men to address this absolutely shocking, terrifying, depressing, pathetic assault by men of other people’s bodies.

In 1996, your bandmate Butch Vig said about you, “So many singers screamed to convey intensity, and she does the opposite. It just blew us away.” How did you come up with that approach? I don’t know. I’ve found that when people speak to me quietly, I feel the most threatened because I’m really comfortable with conflict. I thrive on conflict. It excites me in a funny way. When people are shouting, I don’t feel scared. I like to shout back; that’s just how my family were. We’d just start to shout at each other all the time. I’m not scared of elevated temper. For me, when people get really quiet, that’s when I know they’re really serious, because they’re in control of their rage, and that’s when they’re most deadly.

The last question I have is a shallow one. I love being cheap and superficial.

What’s the most indulgent purchase you’ve ever made? At the height of my success, I hired a person who would shop for me and then send everything in a big box to my hotel room. I would choose what I wanted and return anything else. One day, this beautiful pair of Italian leather boots arrived. I wore a pair very similar in the “Stupid Girl” video, and I thought, “Oh, yeah, these are really me. I’m going to keep these. These are amazing.” It was only when I got back from tour, I found out they cost $5,000. I can’t even laugh about it. It makes me so crazy. I still have these boots. I’d like to get rid of them just so that I never have to look at them again, but there they are every day, warning me of my own greed.

#shirley manson #garbage #2021 interviews

[batgirl-87]

Not Today

Summary: After angrily storming out of Defense Against the Dark Arts class and the library during a study session, experiencing an outburst of rage during Quidditch practice, snapping coldly at Madam Rakepick, and then being found having a breakdown, the gang is very concerned about their normally strong, composed friend and her hostile, emotional change in demeanor. 

Word Count: ~20k

Genre/Warnings: Angst, a little Fluff at the end, Swearing?

Note: I’m not actually sure what genre this is but I guess angst works? A little fluff moment with Charlie at the end, lots of caring and concerned friends, some protective Rowan, and an anxious, stressed out Bill. This ended up being much, much, MUCH longer than originally planned (honestly, the ending became a lot longer than originally planned). I had a lot of feelings! (*insert ‘I just have a lot of feelings* gif from Mean Girls*) So this is more like an emotional venting story, not my best work, but it needed to be done. I also got weirdly into untranslatable words so… enjoy those =p Again, still in Fourth Year in the game even though this story is based on Fifth Year so I apologize for any inconsistencies or errors. – I started writing this before the Halloween event in the game and was already working on the ending when the event started; did add a couple references.

Soundtrack Suggestions: Honestly, I can’t think of any particular songs, I wrote this in a sort of emotional fit of rage, music not necessary, so listen to anything that makes you feel like screaming out in anger and breaking things and then crumble to the ground as a sobbing mess.

Preview: “There are much more difficult things to face and overcome than some cursed artifact or dark wizard. Some things you can never overcome and have to figure out how to cope with every day for the rest of your life. So you can’t stand up there and preach to all of us like you’ve seen it all and overcame it all, like it’s so easy to do, and you just know it all because you don’t! You have no idea how hard it is! And for you to make others who have to endure their challenge every day, who can’t just cast a spell and be rid of it, whose challenge is more about how horribly others treat them because of who they are instead of their actual struggle, feel worse about themselves is wrong. It’s harmful towards individuals and society. You are adding to the narrative and stereotypes, enabling the ignorant hatred and violence, permitting others to turn against people, some good people, who need understanding, compassion, and help. So you and everyone else can shut the fuck up about things you don’t understand because you have no idea, no idea, what real struggle and bravery and strength is.”

The students filed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom looking somewhat sluggish and tired, probably because it was a Monday. They slumped into their desks and took out their required textbook and parchment filled notebooks to take notes on. Keira appeared to be in a particularly down mood today, not that it wasn’t uncommon for her to suddenly fall into a depressing mood when the gravity of her overwhelming situation would abruptly hit her, but this was different. And if anyone had been keeping track of this occurrence they might have discovered a pattern.

“Good afternoon class.” At Madam – er – Professor Rakepick’s voice signaling the start of class, any chatting between the students came to a sudden halt and everyone seemed to sit up straighter at their desks.

“Today I thought it fitting for us to cover one of the most dangerous beasts in the Wizarding world – Werewolves.” Professor Rakepick’s announcement of today’s lesson intrigued a majority of the class, including one Miss Penny Haywood. The popular Hufflepuff’s attention was instantly hooked and, while at first she seemed to pale and appear anxious, she quickly flipped open her book, eager to begin the lesson viewing this as an important learning opportunity. As long as there would be no actual werewolves. Keira, on the other hand, instantly tensed up at the mention of today’s lesson and apprehensively opened up her textbook.

The lesson began generally enough, Professor Rakepick going over common knowledge just in case anyone, probably assuming those muggle born, was unaware of basic facts on werewolves such as the distinctions between a werewolf and regular wolf, a werewolf’s inability to choose whether or not to transform, their inability to remember anything of their former human self when transformed, the falsehood in the muggle world of werewolves being negatively affected by silver, and on the lycanthropy infection that causes it.

Penny diligently took notes on everything Professor Rakepick said even if she was already well aware of the information. Keira couldn’t blame her. She understood Penny endured a traumatic experience with a werewolf and was determined to not allow herself or anyone else she cared about to fall victim to another one. The Slytherin, on the other hand, had yet to take a single mark on her parchment, not even a doodle.

“No, werewolves cannot pass on their lycanthropy to their children,” Professor Rakepick answered a student’s question, appearing a bit annoyed that her lecture was being interrupted, before motioning, albeit rather exasperatedly, to another student whose hand was raised.

“Is there no cure for it?” Professor Rakepick gave a condescending smirk before answering their question.

“No, there is no cure for lycanthropy. However, there is a potion, Wolfsbane Potion, which has proven to allow a werewolf to retain their human mind while transformed which has helped reduce werewolf attacks. It is a very difficult, complicated, and quite expensive to make and very dangerous, even deadly, if made incorrectly,” she added before continuing on with her lecture assuming there would be no more questions interrupting her.

Oh yes, Wolfsbane Potion. Keira remembered asking Professor Snape about it one time in Potions class which of course earned her a glaring look from her Head of House and a comment dripping in disdain. No, they would not be learning that lesson in that class or any other class of his. And she would be a fool to try and attempt it on her own because she would fail miserably and concoct a dangerous poison instead. Why was she interested in that particular potion anyway?

Keira couldn’t remember exactly what excuse she gave him, possibly relating to Penny since Penny was a potion master and always working to advance her technique or create her own potions, and Snape had a soft spot for her so Keira figured dropping Penny’s name couldn’t hurt. Regardless, he dropped it and moved on to the lesson for the day and Keira was incredibly disappointed to discover they would not be learning Wolfsbane Potion then or ever.

She had thought about trying to make it herself but Snape didn’t lie about it being an advanced potion. The ingredients were expensive, sure, but that didn’t faze her at all. And yes, there was a risk buying those particular ingredients since it could alert others to a werewolf’s identity but being a Slytherin and member of the infamous House of Black had its advantages including connections to shady wizards who sold a variety of items secretly including rare potion ingredients. Plus she could always “borrow” some ingredients from Snape – it wouldn’t be the first time nor the last for that. But even if she got the ingredients the risk of messing it up was high.

She had considered asking Penny for her help, who better to help make a potion than her best friend the potions master? But Penny wasn’t stupid, and Keira did not, could not, answer her questions about why she needed this potion. And Penny clearly had her own, personal feelings towards werewolves which could easily cause her to refuse her help. Plus she already asked so much of her friends with finding the Cursed Vaults and this was another personal thing she didn’t want to get them involved in. She had even considered finding someone to pay to make the potion for her, most likely the same type of shady character who would sell the ingredients covertly, but she couldn’t trust someone else to make this type of potion.

No, she would figure this out on her own.

“Werewolves are often shunned and discriminated against in Wizarding society and most believe they are evil creatures who deserve nothing short of death. I’ll let you form your own opinions on them. But I can tell you first hand, facing off against these beasts is a true test of one’s abilities. They are dangerous, murderous, and have killed many wizards, witches, and even muggles,” Professor Rakepick warned causing some student’s to look up fearfully at her.

Keira, on the other hand, simply narrowed her eyes at the Professor. She was quickly growing over this lesson and hoped class was almost over.

Unfortunately, class was nowhere near being over and once Professor Rakepick finished her lesson and warning on how dangerous werewolves were she brought out a practice dummy to demonstrate some defensive and attack spells they could use on a werewolf if they were ever ill-fated to encounter one. Alright, Keira could admit there were absolutely dangerous werewolves out there – she could think of one in particular – and true, they should learn how to defend themselves against one if necessary. However, some of these violent attacks and the overall aggressive attitude of this lesson was starting to wear on her. And honestly, today of all days, she had little patience and tolerance and understanding.

Once she finished her demonstration, Professor Rakepick called the students to come up and form a line to practice the spells she just showed them on the practice dummy. Penny put on a determined face and practically raced up to the front of the classroom. Fortunately it was a basic practice dummy and not one that appeared like an actual werewolf or maybe her attitude would have been different.

And on any other day Keira would admire Penny’s eagerness and bravery to face what happened to her head on and with full dedication, no fear or hesitancy. Keira normally was so proud of Penny’s remarkable ability at coping with her trauma.

But not today.

Today she did not find Penny’s eagerness to learn all she could about werewolves and how to defeat them admirable. She found nothing amusing about the jokes other students made on the topic of today’s lesson. She did not find any of Rakepick’s self-proclaimed daring adventures fighting off werewolves brave or remarkable. And she had nothing but contempt and revulsion at any comments about killing werewolves even if they were directed at a practice dummy.

Yes, there were evil werewolves out there who caused a great deal of harm to others and she planned on ridding the world of a particular one herself one day.

But today…

Today’s lesson and her fellow student’s reaction to it filled her with anger, made her want to cry, and caused her to feel sick to her stomach.

Maybe if this lesson fell on another day, any other day, she wouldn’t feel so strongly. But the lesson had to fall on today and she was not prepared to handle it.

So while the rest of the students made their way up to the front of the class to attack the practice dummy they were supposed to imagine was a werewolf, Keira slammed her textbook shut, shoved her school supplies in her bag, and stood up quickly bumping into her desk and causing it to jolt forward a few inches and slam back down onto the floor. This sudden noise caused the other students and her Professor to look in her direction but Keira showed no signs of acknowledging their attention nor caring about it as she slung her bag over her shoulder and stormed out of the classroom.

She was done.

If she had bothered to look at the front of the classroom she would have noticed the concerned and quizzical looks on her friends’ faces, particularly the dragon obsessed Gryffindor who watched her closely with furrowed brows and searching eyes full of worry.

Keira marched down the labyrinth of hallways and staircases that made up Hogwarts, muttering to herself under her breath at the complete and utter connerie of that lesson, the audacity of Professor Rakepick and those students making their ignorant comments and vicious attacks on the attack dummy. Who did they think they were? They didn’t know anything!

“Miss Black.” Keira stopped dead in her tracks and whirled around when she heard her name called by stern yet gentle voice – she knew really of only one person who could master that type of tone.

“Y-yes, Professor McGonagall,” Keira stammered nervously as it just dawned on her that she was technically skipping class and now had been caught doing so. She was thankful, however, that it was by Professor McGonagall and not Professor Snape.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in class? Defense Against the Dark Arts I believe,” Professor McGonagall questioned the young girl who resisted squirming under the powerful witch’s intense gaze.

“W-well, yes, technically I am –“ Keira started, averting her eyes and focusing them on the floor beneath them.

“So then why are you wandering the hallways instead of attending your class,” Professor McGonagall continued her questioning, clasping her hands in front of her.

Keira shifted uncomfortably as she felt the Transfiguration Professor maintain her intense gaze on her, trying to think of how to answer her. “I just… I didn’t exactly agree with today’s lesson,” she eventually replied after what felt like an eternity to her under the close watch of the Gryffindor Head of House. It wasn’t a lie! She couldn’t lie to Professor McGonagall!

“You didn’t agree with the lesson,” Professor McGonagall repeated, astonished by the Slytherin’s reply. She had to admit she was not expecting that answer.

“No, I did not agree with it,” Keira declared adamantly, looking up at the Transfiguration Professor with a sudden conviction and a fiery look in her eyes.

Professor McGonagall studied the tenacious Slytherin. No other students had appeared to have stormed out of the classroom so it could not have been that controversial of a lesson. And she was well aware some lessons, particularly those in regards to the Dark Arts could upset some of their more sensitive students but Keira wasn’t normally one to allow her emotions to get the better of her like this.

“May I ask what this unbearable lesson was, exactly,” Professor McGonagall finally asked, partially she admitted out of her own curiosity. What lesson could have sent this student in particular who dealt with so much, carried so much with them, on a daily basis to finally reach her breaking point? And what if this was a lesson that needed to be examined upon closer inspection and have necessary changes made to it?

Keira’s sudden relentless and bold attitude wavered at the Professor’s next question. “… It was on werewolves, ma’am,” she answered quietly, her gaze once against shifting down to the floor.

Oh here it came. All the questions about why this lesson of all the lessons upset her? Upset her so much it caused her to walk out of class. And then a lecture on the importance of the lessons they learned there at Hogwarts and while some may be difficult or even scary to some they had to learn them. And then she would be forced back into that class. The embarrassment of being ushered back in after her somewhat dramatic exit would just be the icing on the cake to this horrible day today was turning out to be.

But the series of questioning and matter-of-fact lecture that disregarded one’s feelings never came.

Instead Professor McGonagall’s eyes softened for a moment, full of understanding and perhaps even some nostalgia, at Keira’s honest reply. “Well, we can’t have you aimlessly wandering the hallways during class time. Come along,” she said as she glided past the Slytherin to continue down the hall towards her classroom. “It’s been awhile since we’ve had one of your private Transfiguration lessons.”

Keira watched the poised Professor curiously. “What?”

“You should be learning something,” Professor McGonagall stated before motioning towards the open door to her classroom. Once the shock wore off over McGonagall’s kind and generous reaction to her confession of ditching class, Keira grinned and hurried into the Transfiguration classroom. Maybe this day wasn’t so bad after all.

“Very good, Miss Black,” Professor McGonagall praised as the young Slytherin bonded a couple books together.

“Thank you, Professor,” Keira replied before undoing her transfiguration spell. “I appreciate you taking the time to teach me like this.”

“I am a Professor, Miss Black. It is my job to teach. And when I see promising young students like yourself, providing individual private lessons is a pleasure,” Professor McGonagall replied with a kind smile. Keira smiled back at her before attempting to cast Epoximise again. Her attitude had drastically changed from earlier. She had forgotten about being angry and resentful and was enjoying learning a new lesson with a Professor who understood how she felt better than most, if anyone else, at Hogwarts.

“You know, Sirius and his friends were quite skilled at Transfigurations as well,” Professor McGonagall casually mentioned, although there really was nothing casual about it.

Keira paused in her practicing and looked up at her Professor curiously. “Yeah?”

At her gentle prodding Professor McGonagall continued, explaining what she meant further. Alright, sure, she admitted Sirius and his friends tended to get into some trouble but their skills in Transfigurations and other areas of magic were noteworthy. “The only thing more remarkable than their ability to use their impressive magical talents to consistently get into trouble was their unwavering loyal friendship. Which was especially beneficial for Mr. Lupin who always appeared to be a bit of a loner until them. He really seemed to open up, come into his own with them – happier.” A sad smile formed on the distinguished Professor’s face which Keira mirrored.

“You know, it’s good to hear someone speak about them in a positive way,” Keira said after a moment before letting out a hollow chuckle. “Professor Snape only condemns me for my relationship to them.”

“Yes, well Sev- Professor Snape never got along well with them,” Professor McGonagall recalled with a nod of her head.

“Yeah, that’s been made pretty clear,” Keira muttered.

While she thought this topic may prove to be somewhat therapeutic for the Slytherin, Professor McGonagall had to admit she enjoyed reminiscing for a bit with Keira despite the bittersweet subject. And Keira greatly appreciated Professor McGonagall talking to her about it.

“Here’s a list of some books I recommend you read to advance your talents in Transfigurations, if you’re interested. I may even be willing to provide some extra credit if you write a particularly compelling essay on what you learn from them. And if you promise to go straight to the library, no detours, and get straight to work I will let you go,” Professor McGonagall negotiated as she handed her student a piece of parchment with her book suggestions.

“I promise. Straight to the library to quietly read these,” Keira assured her, holding up the list. “I won’t cause anyone any trouble,” she added.

Professor McGonagall smiled warmly down at the Slytherin and nodded her head to silently permit her to leave despite it still being class time for her. Keira thanked her again, and again and again – for everything. For giving her a private lesson and recommending books for her to advance her skills, investing in her and encouraging her, and most importantly talking to her about Sirius and Remus and their time as students which helped her feel closer to her family, one she barely knew. She appreciated McGonagall being there for her.

Keira hurried to the library without any detours, as promised, in a much better mood form earlier. She honestly had forgotten about that class and how it made her feel. Forgot that she was even ditching it!

She wandered up and down the many aisles of books, locating the ones Professor McGonagall suggested for her. She balanced the list on top of the small stack of books she carried in her arms as she now hunted for a spot to sit. The library had been filled recently by Seventh Years preparing for their N.E.W.T.s. Funny, she couldn’t remember other Seventh Year students taking up most of the library any other year.

And speaking of Seventh Years…

Keira’s grey eyes landed on a familiar redhead sitting at the end of one of the tables who looked uncharacteristically anxious with his head in his hands as his eyes frantically scanned one of the many open books laid out in front of him. Oh the poor boy… Keira laughed slightly to herself and shook her head before making her way over to the stressed out eldest Weasley.

“Mind if I join you,” Keira asked quietly as she pulled out a chair for herself. Bill’s head whipped up from his intensive studying to look up at her.

“What? Yeah, sure,” Bill replied frenetically, motioning to the chair she had already pulled out for herself.

Keira frowned slightly as she set her armful of books down on the table and slid her bag off her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“What,” Bill asked again, whipping his head back up once again from the books that continually absorbed all his attention. “Y-yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just studying for my N.E.W.T.s you know, and it’s exhausting! I mean, if it’s this exhausting just studying for them imagine how exhausting it will be taking them!” Bill laughed a bit hysterically as he leaned back in his chair, running his fingers through his hair look positively mad.

Keira stared at him as she set her bag on the ground next to her and took a seat next to the exhausted and somewhat crazed Gryffindor. “…When’s the last time you got some sleep?”

“Sleep? Sleep,” he repeated, growing louder and earning a harsh SHUSH from Madam Pince and some other students in the library studying for their own N.E.W.T.s. “I can’t afford sleep right now,” Bill informed her matter-of-factly in a stern whisper.

“Okay…” Keira replied, grabbing one of the books Professor McGonagall suggested for her. ”Someone needs to drink some Draught of Peace,” she muttered under her breath.

“What,” Bill demanded, giving her a harsh look. What did she just say?!

Uh oh… Quickly, think of a way out of this! “…You can borrow some of my books on Transfigurations if you want. Professor McGonagall recommended them personally,” she offered gently. Crazed, sleep-deprived, anxious Bill scared her.

“Yeah,” Bill asked, eyeing the small stack of books on the table seeming to calm down for the moment. “Thanks.” Keira nodded her head as she watched him closely.

“Will, I’m worried about you,” she confessed.

Bill took a deep breath before replying. “I’m fine, really. I just… I need to do well on these exams so I can become a Curse-Breaker,” he explained, sounding more like his composed self.

“Yeah, not everyone can be skilled enough to break their first curse at age eleven and secure themselves a job before taking their exams. I probably don’t even need to take the N.E.W.T.s. Could just leave school, walk right into Gringotts and inform them that I’m their new Curse-Breaker and they’d be like ‘alright’.” Keira’s teasing reply earned a small smirk from the eldest Weasley.

“No, unfortunately we cannot all be blessed like you,” Bill replied sarcastically, Keira smirking at him now. There was the William she knew and loved.

“Wait, aren’t you supposed to be in class right now,” Bill suddenly asked causing Keira to tense up slightly. Oh crap, busted again!

“Oh well I… I wasn’t feeling well so I left. Then I ran into Professor McGonagall and she helped me feel better. And then she gave me this list of books she thought I should read to help me advance my Transfigurations skills. And now I share them with you,” Keira replied, passing him one of her books.

“Thanks,” Bill said as he watched her closely. He suspected something more was up but these N.E.W.T.s were constantly stealing his focus. He figured if she or Charlie or anyone else really needed him they would be more direct about it.

The two fell silent as Bill resumed his exhaustive studying and Keira flipped open one of the books suggested to her and began reading. During their quiet studying session Bill let out a frustrated groan and slumped in his seat. Upon further investigation by Keira it was determined the source of Bill’s frustration was Ancient Runes. She slid the book that had currently captured Bill’s attention over so she could take a better look at it before offering her help.

“What about your own stuff,” Bill asked in a defeated tone, motioning to her books on Transfigurations.

“I can read those whenever,” Keira assured, waving off at her books on the table. “Besides, you always help me with Arithmancy,” she pointed out. Oh no, what would she do when he graduated and was no longer there to help her with her Arithmancy?! Her eyes widened as that realization dawned on her.

“Don’t worry, you can always owl me when you need help with your Arithmancy,” Bill assured her, understanding exactly what that look on her face meant.

“I can owl you my homework and you’ll do it for me,” Keira asked with an impish grin.

“That’s not what I sai-“

“Thank you, Will,” Keira cried out joyously as she leaned over to wrap her arms around the Gryffindor prefect and hug him tightly, earning a couple shushes from other students around them but she paid them no mind.

“Okay, alright. Let’s just focus on Ancient Runes for right now,” Bill suggested, patting one of her arms that was snuggly around him a couple times. Keira slowly released the eldest Weasley and began to help him with his studies on Ancient Runes.

So maybe the day had a rough start but it was a thousand times better now. Maybe today wouldn’t be so bad after all…

Soon enough some familiar faces joined them for their study session in the library once their class let out. Penny plopped down in the chair next to Keira, Rowan begrudgingly taking the next seat over while Charlie and Barnaby made themselves comfortable on the other side of the table, the second eldest Weasley sitting next to his brother and across from formerly fuming Slytherin.

“There you are Keira. Is everything okay,” Penny asked, her voice full of concern, just like Charlie’s eyes watching her closely from across the table.

“Yeah, why,” Keira asked as she kept her eyes locked on the book in front of her, suddenly feeling more tense at their arrival. Their presence just reminded her of what she was trying to get away from.

“Because you stormed out of class in a fiery rage,” Barnaby exaggerated causing Rowan to shake her head.

“No, that wasn’t a fiery rage for her,” Rowan informed them. She had seen Keira in a rage and that was not it but she was definitely upset.

“You stormed out of class in a fit of rage,” Bill questioned, his attention suddenly grabbed from his studies. Keira could feel the lecture looming.

“N.E.W.T.s.” That was all Keira had to say for Bill’s focus to instantly go back to his studies.

“It may not have been a fit of rage but you were clearly upset.” Penny steered the conversation back to the topic they came there to discuss and Keira had to resist rolling her eyes. She could feel all of their eyes locked on her and it was close to driving her mad.

“So, why did you leave in the middle of class,” Barnaby asked gently, his voice full of concern. Keira couldn’t give a snide remark when his was genuinely worried.

“I just…wasn’t feeling well,” Keira finally answered with a shrug.

“Did you go see Madam Pomfrey,” Rowan asked. “Because if you haven’t maybe we should go to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine, Rowan, really,” Keira assured, raising up a hand to signal to her roommate to calm down and stop grabbing her things in preparation to leave. “I’m feeling a lot better,” she added, throwing a reassuring look to her friends, particularly Barnaby who she felt was mere moments away from either hugging her and never letting her go or knocking out anyone that came near her. Or both.

“Okay,” Penny replied after studying her a moment, although she didn’t sound entirely convinced, if Keira didn’t want to talk about it she wasn’t going to force her. “Well you missed quite the exciting class.”

Keira clenched her jaw at Penny’s mention of the day’s Defense Against the Dark Arts class. She couldn’t help but find it a little flippant that they were so concerned about why she left the class so upset and then went right into talking about it and all that she missed.

Her whole body grew tenser as Penny, Rowan, and Barnaby continued to discuss what she missed in class amongst themselves, excited over the new spells they learned. Penny in particular was eager to talk about today’s lesson. It was taking all of Keira’s willpower to keep from exploding at the keen Hufflepuff, from shouting at her to shut up. And to keep from snapping at Charlie to stop staring at her! She knew he was worried about her, and she appreciated it, but he had to stop just staring at her like he was waiting for her to have a breakdown or else she would have one! At least he wasn’t participating in this discussion over their Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson for the day. He even tried to steer the conversation to dragons, which was a normal occurrence, and maybe it was a bit narcissistic to think he was doing it for her, but Keira appreciated his efforts to change the topic of discussion since this one clearly upset her. And if anyone recognized what was going on with her, it would be the observant Seeker who always seemed to notice things about her and discern how she was feeling – which honestly sort of weirded her out. She wasn’t use to someone paying so much attention to her like that… Well, besides Rowan.

Alright, maybe it was not so obvious since she hadn’t said anything explicitly but she did leave class upset, which they were just concerned about a few moments ago, and her knuckles were white from gripping her book so tightly, her jaw clenched so tight she worried her teeth may shatter. Not to mention the anger and irritation wafting off of her and making their atmosphere heavy and tense.

“Would be cool to see a werewolf,” Barnaby considered, earning a slight glare from Penny that went unnoticed, fortunately, by the magical creature lover as he continued to think about what seeing a werewolf first hand would be like.

“You sound like Tonks,” Rowan laughed. Her joke seemed to only irritate Penny further and she suddenly turned her attention to the other magical creature obsessed person at the table.

“I assume you would love to run into one in the Forbidden Forest sometime too, huh?” Charlie blinked and looked over at Penny with wide, somewhat fearful eyes, finally breaking his focus from Keira at least. The normally happy and supportive Hufflepuff had such a pointed and accusatory tone it threw him, and everyone else at the table, off. Her piercing glare was also uncharacteristic for her and Charlie wasn’t really sure how to handle this new side of Penny.

Charlie quickly glanced around at the others at the table, Barnaby and Rowan looking just as shocked and thrown off as him, before looking back at the popular Hufflepuff. “I just want to find a dragon,” he awkwardly replied. Everyone knew he was obsessed with dragons. He had never mentioned werewolves once! Why was he suddenly under interrogation?

“A dragon is probably less dangerous than a werewolf,” Penny muttered. Charlie was admittedly too afraid of her at the moment to debate that.

“Werewolves are evil, despicable, abhorrent, murderous creatures. I’m glad we’re learning how to fight against them and stop them from hurting anyone else. They’re like some sort of sinister, destructive, killing epidemic that needs to be extinguished.” Penny’s passionate speech left everyone at the table in silence.

It was unknown how many knew of Penny’s traumatizing experience with a werewolf. Keira suspected she was the only one which made her powerful declaration more shocking to the rest of those at the table; well, except for maybe Bill who was still absorbed into his studies. Barnaby and Rowan stared at the fired-up Hufflepuff with wide eyes while Charlie shifted uncomfortably in his seat and averted his gaze from the intense one of the blonde across the table.

On any other day, Keira would have been more understanding and compassionate towards Penny and her circumstances. She knew what Penny had gone through, what she had lost because of a vicious werewolf attack. As far as she knew she was the only one who knew what Penny went through. Which required her to more supportive for her Hufflepuff friend. And on any other day she would have let Penny’s impassioned speech roll off her back, understanding it was specifically about the situation Penny unfortunately experienced and all the emotions she constantly kept bottled up inside over losing someone close to her – and Keira knew a thing or two about keeping emotions bottled up – and not take it personally.

But not today.

Today Penny’s emotional opinions on werewolves that led her to speak out against them made Keira’s blood boil. It took every ounce of self-control Keira had to keep from flipping the table over, smacking Penny in the face with her book, and blowing up with her own passionate speech about how wrong Penny was and despite her own personal experience it wasn’t universal and her views were ignorant and harmful.

No, she couldn’t trust herself to stay there. The longer she sat there the angrier she got. And the angrier she got the less she was able to control her wrath.

Keira slammed her book shut and stood up abruptly, her chair scooting back, scrapping loudly against the hardwood floors. Her actions earned her a harsh glare from Madam Pince but no loud shushing, possibly from the intense rage and fury rolling off of her in waves tarnishing the entire atmosphere in the library. Her abrupt actions also caused all her friends to stare up at her with wide, somewhat frightened eyes.

“…Keira,” Penny started carefully, the concern from earlier back in her voice. The concern for her back in all her friends’ eyes. She could feel it. And she appreciated it, she did. But right now she could not handle it, handle everything she was feeling right now, and had to get away.

“I have Quidditch practice,” Keira curtly replied as she swung her bag over her shoulder and piled her books in her arms before storming now out of the library. Was this her new thing? Storming out of every room in Hogwarts?

She could feel her friends’ eyes on her as she quickly made her leave. She knew they were worried about her, and again she appreciated it, but for now she prayed they did not follow her and hoped they would eventually forget about all of this so she wouldn’t have to talk about it.

Her friends shared a look between them once Keira left the library, full of questions and worry although no one dared to speak yet while the tense, hostile atmosphere lingered.

That is, until Barnaby gasped suddenly. “Oh! That means I have Quidditch practice too!” In classic Barnaby style, his comment eased the tension and instantly lightened the mood. He grabbed his bag as he stood up to head off to practice as well before Charlie’s voice caused him to pause.

“Hey, uh… make sure she’s okay… Okay?” Barnaby studied the troubled Gryffindor a moment before smiling at his fellow magical creature enthusiast.

“Of course. Once she hits some Bludgers around she’ll feel much better,” Barnaby assured before waving at his friends as he took his leave as well. That normally proved to be therapeutic for her in the past anyways.

Keira walked out of the Quidditch Changing Room and out onto the Pitch after changing into her gear. She preferred using the actual Quidditch Pitch for practices rather than the Training Pitch since the Quidditch Pitch is where matches were actually held and she felt practicing there better prepared her team for a game. She understood the Training Pitch opted for better privacy from any spies since the Quidditch Pitch was surrounded by spectator stands but it also lacked goal hoops which Keira, and most Quidditch captains, found useless. And this being her first year as Quidditch Captain for the Slytherin team, she wanted to give them every advantage.

Fortunately she was on good terms with Charlie and Andre so she wasn’t too concerned about anyone from Gryffindor or Ravenclaw spying on their practices and Hufflepuffs were too honest to do so, right? Although, sometimes she did suspect Andre might take an interest in watching her team’s practice since they tended to get quite competitive with each other over Quidditch.

Most of her team were already gathered around on the field chatting away. They had been going over some new strategies lately that were still written on the board in their Changing Rooms so they were able to refresh their memory before heading out for practice without having a team meeting beforehand to go over it all again. Keira swapped hands holding her broom to adjust one of her arm guards.

Her Quidditch broom was the first big purchase Keira bought on her own that wasn’t necessary school supplies. She knew her adopted parents were not very keen on her getting a broom but she bought it on her own! However, she understood their concern since what happened with Jacob so she agreed to compromise and promised to only use her broom for Quidditch related things like practices and games and the rest of the time Madam Hooch would keep her broom locked up safely. Sometimes it really irked Keira she couldn’t have her broom that she paid for herself, such as last year when she needed to get into the Forbidden Forest, but she did her best to see things from their perspective and be understanding towards their feelings on the matter.

Barnaby soon came trotting out of the Changing Rooms, hopping awkwardly as he held his Beater bat under one arm while he tried to secure one of his shin guards. “I’m here! I’m here,” he called since it appeared like the entire team was out there ready to go and waiting on him.

“Barnabas,” Keira called out to him with a slight sigh. “Your broom.”

Barnaby paused, balancing on one leg as he looked up at his Captain when she called out to him, taking a moment to process what she meant. “Oh yeah!” He turned to quickly head back into the Changing Rooms, muttering some curses as the shin guard he had been working on fell half off, the top not being securely fastened. It made for quite the sight of him awkwardly running with it hanging off his leg that even Keira in her foul mood couldn’t fight off a smile. Soon he returned from the Changing Rooms, broom and bat in hand and shin guard securely on.

Now that everyone was ready with their brooms and equipment securely fastened, the Slytherin team got on their brooms and took to the skies for practice. While normally hitting Bludgers proved to be very therapeutic for her and allowed her to get out her frustrations and stress in a healthy manner, and also kept her from fighting or threatening to fight her peers – her and Barnaby were quite the pair – this time Keira could not shake off this bad mood she was in. But it kept her from flipping table in the library and smacking Penny in the face with a book which she would have definitely regretted so guess it was helping in its own way. She still was incredibly upset though.

“Okay, let’s take a break!” After calling out to her team, Keira landed on the ground with the rest of the Slytherin Quidditch team for a brief break to rehydrate.

“Listen, these are some great new formations and all but I think we should be working on making our plays more aggressive,” one of the Chasers suggested.

“Aggressive but nothing illegal, right,” Keira asked, eyeing their teammate who gave her a wicked smirk and shrugged.

“It’s not illegal if you don’t get caught.” Keira sighed and shook her head. Stereotypical Slytherin.

“I’m all for being aggressive but I will not condone reckless and dangerous tactics that are focused on injuring others on purpose,” Keira declared sternly.

“I never said the intent was injuring them. But if they get hurt, well, Quidditch is a tough sport. Got to plan for getting hurt.” Keira sighed again while a couple of her teammates chuckled. What was with people today? Or maybe it was just her and her disgruntled mood.

“Hey, heard you stormed out of Defense Against the Dark Arts today,” their Seeker mentioned casually.

“So,” Keira asked, instantly defensive.

“So… why did you do that,” their Seeker asked before their Keeper chimed in.

“Yeah, I mean if you’re going to ditch class you don’t go and then walk out, you just don’t go.” Keira sighed heavily. Word travelled so fast at this school.

“I heard you also stormed out of the library before practice,” another one of her Chasers added before Keira had the chance to answer her Seeker’s question.

“I heard you were mad at Penny Haywood,” their third Chaser chimed in. Well guess Keira should be happy for once the rumors swirling about her weren’t about her being mad like her brother.

“You’re fighting with Penny Haywood,” the second Chaser gasped. “How can you not get along with Penny? She literally gets along with everyone. Everyone. Even Liz who only talks to animals and that weird loner Ravenclaw. What’s his name? Trevor?”

“It’s Talbott,” Keira snapped slightly. “And I’m not fighting with Penny,” she clarified.

“That’s good because the whole school would turn against you. Everyone loves Penny,” her third Chaser informed her, as if she didn’t know. And Keira did love Penny! She considered her one of her best friends!

“Well I don’t know if you had the same lesson we did, but if so, you missed a cool Defense Against the Dark Arts class,” her Keeper informed her while her two Chasers continued to ramble on about Penny and her popularity.

“We learned about werewolves and how to fight them –“

“Who could possibly have a problem with Penny?”

“I don’t know. It wouldn’t be wise to start anything with her though since she has the whole school on her side –“

“I think Blatching could easily be done – Whoops, didn’t mean to collide into them –“

“So then why did you storm out of the library then?”

“And why are people saying it was because of Penny?”

“David blasted the practice dummy so hard it almost slammed against the wall. Feel bad for any werewolf that crosses him.”

“Are we allowed to elbow an opponent in the face? What if we did it “accidentally”?”

“Are you sure you’re not in a fight with Penny?”

Everyone on her team incessantly talking over one another was beginning to be a bit of a sensory overload and definitely overwhelmingly frustrating.

Instead of Quidditch being a healthy way for her to cope with everything going on in her life it was becoming an added stressor to it. She had hoped practice would help take her mind off of everything going on that day and instead she was getting bombarded by everyone about it!

While any other day Quidditch helped her release her pet up aggression clearly it was not working,

Not today.

Keira suddenly let out a loud, frustrated yell before taking her bat and hitting it aggressively, repeatedly against one of the goal hoops poles as hard as she could. This proved to be much more therapeutic than hitting the Bludgers around. Bonus – it caused everyone on her team to shut up and stare at her with wide, terrified eyes.

Barnaby in particular was affected by Keira’s little outburst of rage. He had seen her hit a Bludger with a lot of force and bark orders as Captain, and he had seen her defend her friends against any bullying but this – this was a side of Keria he had never really seen before. She had snapped!

She normally was able to hold everything together despite what she was going through and was always the ones her friends turned to and relied on for support and reassurance. Even when she got angry over someone teasing one of her friends she never reacted so violently and full of fury. Rowan had told the rest of their gang before about her roommate’s breakdowns, either a sobbing mess or a raging fire, but none of them had ever seen it before. Sure, they sometimes caught her getting a little emotional, a little teary-eyed, but Barnaby never expected her to suddenly snap and attack like that. Fortunately it was the goal hoop and not a person.

Regardless, this angry outburst caused her Beater Buddy to be much more concerned over her and her mental health. He had really thought practice and hitting Bludgers around would fix things like it normally did. But clearly something much more was going on and he had no idea what and, therefore, no idea how to make it better!

After beating on the goal hoop post for a couple minutes while her teammates stared in silent shock, Keira gave the post one more solid hit before throwing her Beater bat behind her with such force all her teammates had to duck to avoid getting smacked in the face with it, their Keeper reaching up to make the save – as they should – and caught it before it flew too far.

“Practice is over,” Keira informed them coldly before grabbing her broom and storming off the Quidditch Pitch and back into the Changing Rooms.

So guess this angry, storming out move was becoming her new thing after all.

Her team watched her go before sharing looks between them. Was she serious? No more practice for the day? Barnaby snatched Keira’s bat out of the Keeper’s hand to return to her, although he thought he should wait until she calmed down a bit first.

Keira did her best to avoid people the rest of the day. She thanked Barnaby for returning her bat to her in the Slytherin Common Room after the Quidditch practice incident. She then had to spend the next ten minutes assuring him she was fine and no she did not want to talk about what happened! But she appreciated his concern. She would feel better tomorrow. Probably. Hopefully.

Keira skipped dinner that evening in the Great Hall which left her friends to try and decipher what was going on with her with the added information Barnaby provided them about what happened during Quidditch Practice.

“She attacked the goal post,” Penny repeated in surprise, trying to imagine it.

“Then she almost took us all out when she threw the bat,” Barnaby added, looking down as he recounted their practice’s events. He was clearly struggling with some inner turmoil himself. “I tried asking her what was wrong and how I could help after practice but she just kept saying she was fine.” How was he supposed to help his friend who was obviously going through something when they didn’t tell him what was wrong?!

“I told you guys she has these rage meltdowns!” Rowan sounded as if she was scolding them all which she sort of was, and did on a regular basis. As Keira’s roommate she was the only one who saw how much Keira was suffering. While she was able to put on a brave face in front of everyone else on a day to day basis, Rowan knew how hard this all was on her. And while Rowan did her best to comfort her friend, and she may not freely admit this but she liked comforting her friend during these moments and being needed, she did try and inform the rest of their group of friends when Keira was having a harder time than others so they could aid in making her feel better and not ask so much of her during those times.

And while their friends agreed to do that, they did not truly understand how much Keira was struggling. Not like Rowan who witnessed it firsthand. Hence, when they always turned to Keira for help with… well, basically everything, needing her reassurance to help her find her brother after offering their help, Rowan couldn’t help but get frustrated with them.

Did they forget that Keira’s brother was missing and could be dead? Did they not fully grasp how hard it was to go looking for your brother, while everyone around you talked about how crazy he was, how he might be a Death Eater, or dead, while trying to save the school from curses, and on top of all that having her life being threatened?! Besides the stress of the Cursed-Vaults and her missing brother, Keira was a Prefect and Quidditch Captain which added more responsibilities to her plate, and had to go to class, do homework, and study for exams, just like the rest of them! Dumbledore, Hagrid, Madam Rosmerta, House Ghosts, other students, and some Professors all asked Keira to help them with something like she didn’t already have enough to deal with! Rowan would smack all these people if she could!

Sometimes she wished the rest of their friends would witness Keira having a breakdown so they would better understand what was going on inside their friend all the time. But, and again she would not freely admit this, Rowan kind of liked being the only one who witnessed Keira’s breakdowns and being the only one there for her best friend during those dark times – like they had a special bond the others didn’t.

“That one wasn’t even that bad. She’s had much worse,” Rowan informed them before taking a bite of her sandwich.

“Well, what do you think is wrong then,” Penny asked, a little snippy at Rowan’s know-it-all attitude. When it was about course work she didn’t mind it but when came to their friend she did not appreciate it being hinted that the rest of them didn’t know or care as much about Keira as she did.

“I don’t know but I can talk to her tonight during Astronomy and see if I can find anything out,” Rowan offered, ignoring Penny’s slightly harsh tone.

“Or, maybe we can go and try to talk to her after dinner,” Penny countered. They were all her friends and they all were concerned about her.

“Guess we could do that too. I just thought maybe going in as a group may put her on the defensive is all,” Rowan reasoned.

“Well then maybe just you and I go then,” Penny bartered, quick with her reply.

“…Okay,” Rowan conceded with a shrug.

“Barnaby, are you okay,” Penny asked the hunched over Slytherin who looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do to make her feel better,” Barnaby cried out in anguish. The rest of dinner pretty much consisted of comforting Barnaby.

Keira hugged her knees to her chest as she sat on the cool ground. A light breeze sent a chill throughout her body but she had no desire to go inside. In fact she sort of welcomed and enjoyed the crisp autumn-almost-winter air. She took another deep breath as her grey eyes stared fixed on the reflection of the night sky on the surface of the Black Lake.

She knew her friends were looking for her, probably wandering all throughout Hogwarts. But she needed to be alone right now. And she hoped if they came out there looking for her they wouldn’t see her still figure sitting in the dark. Fortunately, Hogwarts and its grounds were pretty vast so if they did stumble upon her it shouldn’t be for some time. Or ever, if it was up to Keira.

Another small breeze blew a strand of her hair back, away from her face, sending another chill throughout her body. After a day of so much anger and rage coursing through her, Keira now felt drained. She felt exhausted and completely depressed. She just wanted to curl up by the fire in the Common Room, stare out into the lake, and be left alone, but she knew that wouldn’t be a possibility. Her friends had been on her all day about what was going on with her and she couldn’t escape Rowan and Barnaby in her House’s Common Room. And she felt so guilty keeping things from them and pushing them away when she saw how concerned they were and how much they wanted to help but she couldn’t talk to them about this.

So if she couldn’t stare out into the lake from her Common Room then she would come outside and enjoy it out there in the cold night air. And now, after her day of slamming books and desks, thrashing a goal hoop post, possibly throwing and breaking some things in the Slytherin Dorm while her friends were at dinner, and storming away from everyone in a fit of rage, Keira just wanted to cry.

She had tried so hard to conceal her anger, push it down so she didn’t explode, which obviously didn’t go according to plan since she had her little outbursts, but they could have been worse. She would still have some explaining to do to her friends, which she had no idea what she would say so that added another layer of stress. But she could worry about that tomorrow, that’s what she told herself anyway so she wouldn’t get overwhelmed. And now she was using what little energy she had left to hold back her tears. Although that was beginning to become quite the fail as well as a couple tears escaped her eyes and ran down her face.

Keira didn’t know how long she had been out there, but this was the most calm she had felt all day. Albeit, sad, but at least not full of unbridled rage unsure of what to do with it or how to safely let it out. She could let out her emotions presently, finally able to put down her defenses now that she was finally alone, and cry as much as she wanted without anyone around judging her or her friends panicking over her, trying to figure out what was wrong and how to help. Sometimes, a lot of times, she needed to be alone. And able to just let her emotions out without any questions or judgments or anyone trying to stop her and fix it – things were not so easy to fix!

But she wasn’t ready to let everything tormenting inside of her out just yet. She just wanted to sit there in silence, not thinking about anything and, if she could help it, not feeling anything.

She jumped and whipped her head around when she heard someone approaching from behind her. And of all the people she thought would find her out there – Rowan, Penny, Hagrid, Professor Snape – this was the last one she wanted finding her.

“Are you supposed to be out here at this hour, Miss Black?”

Keira narrowed her eyes at their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher before slowly standing up as her professor continued.

“Not that I’m one to talk. I broke curfew all the time when I was student here,” Professor Rakepick bragged before pausing a moment as she studied the girl. “So, is this where you ran off to when you left in the middle of my class?”

“If you want to punish me for that, go ahead,” Keira replied coldly as she continued to stare out at the lake.

Professor Rakepick looked taken aback by the Slytherin’s reply but quickly wiped that look off her face. “I don’t plan on punishing you, Miss Black,” she informed her student which came as a surprise to Keira, “But I would like an explanation for that display in my class.”

“I wasn’t feeling well,” Keira answered, using the same excuse as before when her friends asked her. Which wasn’t a total lie – she didn’t feel well! She felt sick to her stomach, in fact!

“Is that so? Yet you did not go see Madam Pomfrey.” Keira could feel Professor Rakepick’s eyes boring into her but she held her ground. “I checked with her after class. After that fit you threw.” Keira tensed up, her hands fisting at her sides. That anger she had been wrestling with all day and finally thought she was rid of was beginning to boil again.

“So if you were, in fact, not feeling well, then why did you not go see Madam Pomfrey,” Professor Rakepick continued to interrogate.

“I ran into Professor McGonagall. We had a private Transfiguration lesson,” Keira informed her.

“Oh I see. So you’d rather learn Transfigurations than how to defend yourself against dark wizards and witches and evil beasts -“ Professor Rakepick stopped as she noticed Keira scoff and shake her head, and she assumed roll her eyes but the Slytherin had yet to look at her. “Well then, if that’s not what the problem is then why don’t you share what is really bothering you,” she commanded, crossing her arms.

Despite this order Keira did not reply forcing Professor Rakepick to make an assumption. “If this is something about the Cursed Vaults –“ she stopped again as Keira let out a hollow laugh.

“You know what your problem is,” Keira suddenly spoke, turning to finally face the former Head Curse-Breaker. Professor Rakepick wasn’t sure if she should be offended or intrigued at what this girl had to say.

“You think you know everything. Have seen everything. Faced it all. You’ve travelled everywhere, facing dangerous creatures and dark wizards and tombs full of traps, breaking curses on numerous artifacts which could kill you – all of this has given you a superiority complex. You walk around here like you’re better than everyone because you think you have faced every challenge life has to throw at you and conquered it, so clearly you’re the most powerful, strongest, and bravest witch there ever was.

“But you don’t know everything. And you definitely have not faced and conquered every challenge life can throw at you – not even close. You have no idea what real bravery and strength is. Real bravery and strength is getting up every day and putting yourself out there to try and make your life better even when the entire world is against you. Being kind and compassionate to others even when all they do is judge and hate you without ever getting to know you. Enduring excruciating mental and physical pain time and time again, being completely alone after losing everyone close to you, but you keep going and never let it consume you.

“There are much more difficult things to face and overcome than some cursed artifact or dark wizard. Some things you can never overcome and have to figure out how to cope with every day for the rest of your life. So you can’t stand up there and preach to all of us like you’ve seen it all and overcame it all, like it’s so easy to do, and you just know it all because you don’t! You have no idea how hard it is! And for you to make others who have to endure their challenge every day, who can’t just cast a spell and be rid of it, whose challenge is more about how horribly others treat them because of who they are instead of their actual struggle, feel worse about themselves is wrong. It’s harmful towards individuals and society. You are adding to the narrative and stereotypes, enabling the ignorant hatred and violence, permitting others to turn against people, some good people, who need understanding, compassion, and help. So you and everyone else can shut the fuck up about things you don’t understand because you have no idea, no idea, what real struggle and bravery and strength is.”

She couldn’t sit back anymore, keeping everything inside, pretending everything was okay.

Not today.

If anyone had seen him out there wandering around the castle grounds at night they would probably assume he was up to his usual dragon expedition. And if anyone had asked him what he was doing, he would probably claim that’s what he was up to. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want to admit he was out there looking for her. Maybe because if he did then Penny or Rowan or one of their other friends would want to join him and if he found her he wanted to talk to her alone.

So while the rest of the gang scoured around the ever changing layout of the school, Charlie snuck outside. She may be inside, hiding out in her Dorm or an empty classroom, or maybe even at Hagrid’s or at the Quidditch Pitch. While those were all viable options, Charlie was one of the few who knew about her strong connection to water and how it helped calm her down and bring her peace, even if that meant her jumping fully clothed into the Black Lake and getting in trouble by her Head of House.

He paused when he noticed the figure sitting at the edge of the lake. He had almost completely missed her but upon getting closer realized that it was in fact her sitting there. A small smile formed on his face, perhaps a bit smug that he was the one to find her before anyone else. And he was glad that he found her before anyone else because now he could talk to her alone without Penny and Rowan’s constant questions while trying to outdo each other on support and concern in their suppressed ‘who was Keira’s best friend’ competition, and Barnaby and Tonks doing anything and everything to get her to laugh, their antics growing in ridiculousness and recklessness; and, alright he hated to admit it because he loved his older brother who was also his best friend, but without Bill swooping in with his older brother wisdom and comfort. Yes, Bill was the oldest but Charlie was an older brother too and cared just as much about his younger siblings and could provide older brother love and care too! And he cared just as much for Keira as Bill and the rest of their friends and would always be there for her just like he would be for any of his family.

As he started to make his way towards her, possibly going over what greeting to give when he approached her in his head, Charlie spotted another figure making their way down to Keira adjacent to him. Once he realized who it was as they addressed Keira he darted behind a nearby tree – he didn’t need to get detention or house points taken away, especially as a Prefect. Or get a scolding lecture by Bill. Plus, it would be rude to interrupt, right? Still, he didn’t want to leave Keira to get in trouble either. Maybe he could figure out some reason they were out there so late and save them both from punishment.

As Charlie tried to come up with an excuse as to why he and Keira would be out there in the middle of the night that would be accepted by the Curse-Breaker turned Professor the air suddenly changed. Everything suddenly got heavier, tense, colder, dark.

“You know what you’re problem is?” Charlie looked up as he heard Keira’s cutting tone towards their professor. He had never heard her speak like that before. And to a Professor nonetheless!

Charlie continued to stare in shock as Keira finally exploded after everything building up inside her through the day she tried so desperately to internalize spilled out. But this wasn’t like other times when Keira had unleashed her Irish temper on someone else, normally for bothering one of their friends or at Merula for her morbid jokes about Jacob being dead. This wasn’t like those times Rowan told them about where Keira needed to throw, hit, and break things to finally let out all her pent up anger and frustration. Those were fueled with fire, spoke with a blazing intensity, a raging fury that would cause adrenaline to course through veins and fill the air with this heated tension like a fight was about to break out. One of the reasons she was feared on the Quidditch Pitch.

But this – this was a different side of Keira, one he had never seen. It was dark and cold. Her words were still filled with passion but were made of ice and stung sharply. The heavy, biting cold change in the atmosphere differed wildly from its heated counterpart. It was more ominous, sinister, intimidating. It sent a chill down his spine. This darker side of Keira kind of terrified him. Her eyes were like piercing daggers as she stared down their Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, standing her ground firmly. Even as she shouted and swore – oh Merlin she just swore at a professor – her words were still icy and full of disdain. While her Irish temper flared up a call to action, this chilling vibe was more apathetic, like she didn’t care what happened, what the consequences were.

But he knew, under that icy, stone cold exterior and beneath the vicious ire and stinging of her words, this darker side of Keira was hiding a lot of pain. And despite fearing her a bit, being a little intimidated – which he knew she would be flattered by – mostly, Charlie felt heartbroken for her, a wave of compassion where he just wanted to be there for her, support her and allow her to feel safe to let out everything she was holding in and then reassure her and make her smile. Surprising to him, he also felt protective over her. He wanted to do whatever he could to keep her from hurting.

He knew she was suffering a lot over her missing brother, but she was so good at appearing like everything was fine, sometimes they forgot everything she was going through. And then when it showed… it killed him to see her upset. He couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if one of his siblings went missing and he had no idea where they were or if they were safe or even alive.

And seeing her upset like this, in a much different way than they had previously witnessed, and having no real knowledge of why she was so upset was agonizing. This was why Barnaby was practically in tears at dinner. If it wasn’t about her brother and the vaults, since she just snapped at Professor Rakepick about assuming it was about that – which was a fair assumption he thought! – then what was it about?

Her frosty and hostile outburst at Professor Rakepick unfortunately still did not give him a lot of clues as to what was really going on with her.

An eerie and tense silence fell once Keira finished. Charlie assumed Professor Rakepick had no idea how to respond to that since who could have predicted she would have gone off like that? And to her? Professor Trelawney would probably claim she could have but no one would believe her.

~*~*~*~*~

Much like Charlie assumed, Professor Rakepick stood there aghast at the student’s outburst. While she did her best to maintain a neutral face it was difficult to completely hide her shock.

“Um….E-excuse me?”

A meek voice interfered through the tense atmosphere causing both women to look towards where it came.

It was fortunate they were interrupted. Professor Rakepick had yet to fully process everything that was said, and how it was said, from this girl to her and therefore had yet to determine how to respond and handle the situation. Normally quick at problem solving and leaping into action, since while risking your life breaking curses one could not always afford the luxury of time to analyze a situation and think through all possible options before choosing one, this particular situation surprisingly had caught her off guard and threw her off enough that she did need a moment to step back and think about what action to take.

And for Keira, well, it delayed her from getting punished, she assumed, and took the attention off of her even if just for a moment. Even from the Gryffindor boy hiding nearby behind a tree, unknown to her and their professor, whose attention was also grabbed by the surprise appearance of another person.

Rowan stood there awkwardly, looking nervously between her best friend and Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Both were unsure how long Rowan had been there, how much she had heard, but she looked pretty frightened and uncomfortable.

“S-sorry to interrupt,” Rowan started as both women turned their attention to her. She shifted uncomfortably under their intense gazes and avoided eye contact with either of them. “It’s um… we uh…” she stammered, fidgeting with her hands. “We have Astronomy class,” she finally managed to get out.

Professor Rakepick studied the intruder before looking back at Keira with a smirk. “Well, it looks like it’s your lucky day. You have a viable excuse to get out of this conversation.”

“I don’t need an excuse,” Keira replied in that same cold, sharp tone, turning her attention back to the red haired professor. “This wasn’t a conversation.”

Once again, Professor Rakepick wasn’t sure if she should be disrespected or impressed with how her student was speaking to her, challenging her.

“Really? Well Miss Black –“

“I have class.” Keira cut her off curtly as she waltzed right past the professor and over towards the still fearful looking Rowan. “Let’s go Rowan.”

Rowan glanced over as her roommate and best friend walked past her and continued to head back toward the school, flinching slightly at her dark tone, before looking back over at Professor Rakepick. She gave her a sheepish, apologetic smile before turning and hurrying to catch up with Keira, or at least get away from their Professor and tense atmosphere before Professor Rakepick turned her frustration on her.

Keira didn’t talk the entire way back to the school and up to the Astronomy Tower. She didn’t even complain about the stairs as she always did. Barnaby and Rowan shared concerned looks the entire walk to the Astronomy Tower and throughout class.

And while everyone looked through their telescopes and charted the stars on their charts, Keira just stood there looking up at the sky. Rowan and Barnaby glanced over worriedly at her as they worked on their class work.

“You can borrow my star chart if you need it,” Rowan offered quietly, a little nervous to experience that darker version of her friend again, especially directed at her.

Instead, however, a faint smile formed on Keira’s face as she continued to stare up at the sky. “Thanks, Rowan,” she answered softly. She clearly would need it since she wasn’t doing any work during class.

“You can borrow mine too if you want,” Barnaby offered. “I made my own constellation of a Kneazle,” he announced rather proudly.

“Very impressive, Barnaby,” Keira told him in the same soft tone as she continued to stare up at the sky. She would appreciate his constellation more later. Despite her lack of enthusiasm, Barnaby still grinned proudly at her praise.

Soon enough class was over with Keira not doing an ounce of work. “Come on, Keira. Let’s head back to the dorm,” Rowan said as she slid her mittens back on. The chilly weather alluded to winter right around the corner. “We can sit in front of the fire and get warm. I’ll make cocoa.”

“Ooo, cocoa,” Barnaby exclaimed excitedly.

“You guys go on ahead. I’ll be down later,” Keira told them, still standing in the same place and staring at the sky as she had been all through class.

“Are you sure? It’s getting pretty cold out here,” Rowan said, staring at her friend uneasily.

“I’m fine,” Keira assured. “Canadian, remember,” she added with a small smirk causing Rowan to visibly relax. There was her friend who she knew and loved.

“We can stay out here with you then,” Rowan said, glancing at Barnaby before she set her bag back down.

“No, thank you. I’d rather be alone,” Keira told them.

Rowan frowned slightly and shared another concerned look with Barnaby before hesitantly picking her bag back up. “Okay, well, if you’re sure. Don’t stay out here too long though,” Rowan gently warned her.  That glimmer of her friend being her normal self gave Rowan a sliver of hope that she was okay, or at least would be soon, and made her feel comfortable enough to leave Keira alone. Rowan motioned to Barnaby to follow her as she headed for the Astronomy Tower stairs.

A feeling of extra weight on her shoulders was the only thing that broke Keira from her trance on the sky. She looked over, surprised to see a smiling Barnaby who was laying his robes over her shoulders. “Two sets of robes should keep you warmer than one.”

Keira stared at him a moment before smiling back at him gratefully. “Thank you, Barnaby.” She was amazed she didn’t start crying right then and there. This whole time she had been fighting back tears and his sweet, thoughtful gesture almost caused her to break.

Barnaby smiled more and nodded at her before picking up his bag and hurrying after Rowan. “Don’t be too long or there won’t be any cocoa left!” It may have been something small but he was happy to see Keira smile and be able to make her feel better, even if just a little bit.

Keira watched her friends leave, a small appreciative smile on her face. However, as soon as the door shut behind them tears began to steam down her face. Finally alone and exhausted from her day of trying to hold everything in and keeping it together, and failing in emotional filled outbursts, Keira allowed herself to relinquish her emotions, crumbling to the cold, hard floor.

“It was really scary,” Rowan admitted as she finished telling Barnaby about the outburst she witnessed Keira have at Professor Rakepick.

“Wow… She’s not going to get expelled, is she,” Barnaby asked anxiously.

“I hope not. But I don’t think Professor Rakepick would do that,” Rowan assured after a brief moment of thought. “It was just…so weird seeing her like that. It wasn’t like her other breakdowns it was –“

“Darker?” Rowan and Barnaby paused outside their Common Room entrance as a familiar figure stepped out from their hiding spot – had to avoid Professor Snape!

“Yeah…What are you doing down here, Charlie” Rowan asked as she studied the Gryffindor suspiciously.

“Where’s Ady,” Charlie asked, getting straight to the point. His direct and serious attitude was very different than his usual calm and cheerful self.

“You’re a Seeker. Why don’t you find her yourself,” Rowan replied, folding her arms being the ever protective friend that she was.

“I just wanted to talk to her, make sure she was okay,” Charlie sighed. “I saw the outburst down at the lake at Professor Rakepick,” he admitted in a whisper causing Rowan’s eyes to widen.

“You did? How? Where? I didn’t see you –“

“I was behind a tree –“

“So you were spying?”

“No, I – look, that doesn’t matter. I just want to make sure she’s okay. So where is she?” Rowan continued to study the Gryffindor silently. She couldn’t help being protective over Keira. She was her first and, in a way, only friend. Sure, they had made this group but she was well aware the lynchpin that got them and held them all together was Keira. None of them would even acknowledge her existence if it wasn’t for Keira. Well, maybe Penny who befriended everyone, even the loners.

She knew she could be overprotective of Keira and become fearful of her connecting with and getting closer to others because she was afraid of losing her. So being the only close friend that was also her roommate allowed her to have a special connection with Keira by being there for her during her late night breakdowns and nightmares. And she didn’t want to lose her role as the comforting, supportive friend during those dark times. Because if someone else started doing that for her, then what would Keira need her for? That’s what Rowan feared anyway.

And while their gang liked to talk about the possible blossoming relationship between Charlie and Keira that they both seemed completely oblivious too, Rowan would be damned if she would allow a love-struck Weasley to take her place in Keira’s life!

“She’s still up on top of the Astronomy Tower,” Barnaby answered when Rowan seemed to refuse to.

“Barnaby,” Rowan scolded.

“Did she get hold up after class by Professor Sinistra,” Charlie asked, turning his attention to Barnaby who was proving to be much more helpful than Rowan!

“No. She said she wanted to be alone. Even turned down cocoa,” Barnaby informed him, earning him another glare from Rowan which he seemed oblivious to.

Charlie nodded his head as he listened to his fellow magical creature enthusiast before grinning at him and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Thanks, Barnaby.”

“Wait,” Rowan called as Charlie started to hurry down the hall, causing him to skid to a halt and look back at her quizzically. She paused a moment as she contemplated her next move before sighing and giving in. “Bring her some blankets. It’s cold.”

Charlie smiled softly at her as he hurried back over to them. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Thanks.”

“I gave her my robes to help her keep warm,” Barnaby chimed in.

Charlie grinned at him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “That was very thoughtful of you, I’m sure they’re helping a lot.”

Once Rowan returned from the Slytherin Dorm with a couple blankets piled in her arms she handed them off to Charlie, albeit a bit reluctantly. “Don’t be up there too long.”

“Yeah, you guys have to come down and have cocoa with us,” Barnaby added with a grin which was the complete opposite vibe of Rowan’s warning.

“Cocoa sounds great. I’ll do my best,” Charlie told them, thanking Rowan again for the blanket before he hurried off to the Astronomy Tower.

“Ady,” Charlie called as he entered the top of the Astronomy Tower. His eyes scanned the area before he began walking around, trying to find his friend. “Ady, are you still up here?”

Keira had slid down the parapet that surrounded the tower collapsing onto the floor, Barnaby’s robes still wrapped around her. She sat on the ground, curled up into a ball, withdrawing into herself. Her knees were pulled up to her chest with her head buried in them, her hands tangled up in her hair as she clawed at her scalp, shoving her hair out of her face, as she quietly sobbed.

Charlie stopped and stared at the heartbreaking scene before him. His chest tightened as he tried to process seeing the normally so strong and put together Keira looking utterly hopeless and defenseless. Besides probably Rowan, none of them had ever seen Keira like this. Even when Rowan told them about Keira’s breakdowns he could never really envision it. She kept so much to herself. She never wanted them to see her like this. She didn’t want Rowan to either but it was hard to hide it from her.

For a moment Charlie thought about leaving her alone and giving her her privacy. However, when he saw her shiver from the increasingly frosty air he glanced down at the blankets in his arms before daring to walk over to her.

Keira’s head jolted up when she felt another weight on her shoulders. How did this keep happening? She glanced briefly at the blanket around her shoulders before looking up at the culprit, very surprised not to see Rowan or Barnaby.

“…Charlie,” she asked, as if her eyes were playing tricks on her.

“Hey,” Charlie greeted softly, with a small warm smile.

“Wh-what are you doing up here,” Keira asked as she quickly wiped away her tears still streaming down her face.

Charlie frowned slightly as he watched her. He didn’t mean to embarrass her. “Well, I heard you turned down cocoa to stay up here so I thought I should bring you some blankets to make sure you stay warm.” He tried to lightly joke about the cocoa, throwing her a reassuring smile but unfortunately that didn’t seem to make the situation much better.

“I’m fine. It’s not that cold,” she sniffled. “And I’d prefer chocolate right now over cocoa.”

“Right, right, I know, Canadian. Still,” Charlie said handing out the other blanket to her. “And I’ll remember chocolate for next time,” he added with another grin, another attempt to get her to smile, even a little one.

Keira eyed the blanket a moment before begrudgingly taking it from him. There, was he happy now?

Apparently he was since he smiled slightly as he watched her drape the blanket over her lap, doing her best to cocoon herself in the blanket layers around her.

“There. You gave me the blankets, I’m all toasty warm now, so you can go. Go and have cocoa with the rest of them,” Keira dismissed, waving a hand at him and the staircase door as she avoided eye contact with him.

“…What about you,” Charlie asked tenderly.

Keira froze up a moment at the unexpected gentle and caring tone of his voice. Why did he have to be so sweet? Made it hard to be cold and dismissive in an attempt to push her friends away when they were so caring!

“I’m fine. I want to be alone,” she informed him, hugging the blanket around her shoulders closer to her.

Charlie nodded his head and studied her a moment, contemplating his next move before slipping his bag off over his head and sitting on the ground next to her.

“What are you doing? I said I want to be alone,” Keira snapped.

“I know but I don’t think it’s good for you to be alone right now,” Charlie answered. Keira turned her head slightly to watch the Gryffindor closely as he made himself comfortable on the floor next to her, scooting under the blankets with her, draping them over his lap and shoulders as well.

She tried to think of something to say to argue his statement but she was having a hard time coming up with anything. Probably because he may be right.

Plus the fact that the second eldest Weasley radiated warmth like his favorite creatures was comforting in its own way in the chilly night air.

Once Charlie got himself situated under the blankets he smiled warmly over at her causing Keira to glance away. Sorry, Charlie, but she was not in the mood to be smiling and happy just yet so she had to get away from his infectious grin.

“I suppose you want to talk, know what’s going on with me,” Keira muttered as she wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging her knees closer to her, her right arm brushing against him since they had to be practically pressed together to both be completely covered under the blankets.

“Only if you need to. We don’t have to talk about it you don’t want to,” Charlie assured. “Don’t have to talk at all even.” Unlike some of their other friends, like Rowan who had such a thirst for knowledge, who would want to know, need to know, what was going on to make her so upset to comfort her, Charlie just wanted to make her feel better. Sure, he would like to know what was bothering her to better help, but he wanted to be a comforting and supportive figure at all times, for anything going on with her, even things she didn’t want to discuss. Or wasn’t ready to talk about yet.

So whenever she was upset about anything she knew she could always turn to him and he would be there and wouldn’t interrogate her with a million questions. He was simply there for her in any way she needed. If she needed to talk something out, or just vent and have someone listen, have someone lighten the mood and take her mind off of things, or even someone to just have near as they sat in silence with.

They sat in silence for a while, Charlie shifting to lean back against the parapet as he stared up at the night sky.

“You probably think I’m crazy,” Keira murmured after a moment, breaking the silence.

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Charlie assured with a small chuckle.

“I keep storming out of rooms and I’m sure Barnaby told you guys what happened at Quidditch practice,” Keira said before a realization dawned on her. “And I’m sure Rowan told you about what happened before Astronomy Class,” she groaned, sounding somewhat embarrassed.

“Oh yeah, your outburst at Professor Rakepick,” Charlie murmured, remembering it himself.

“So she did tell you about it, great,” Keira grumbled.

“Well… not exactly. I mean, I think I overhead her talking to Barnaby about it but…” Charlie watched her a moment before sighing. He didn’t want to upset her more by telling her he saw her outburst at Professor Rakepick firsthand but he also didn’t want to lie to her or make her think her friends were sitting around talking about her negatively. “I sort of…saw it. I was… kind of there,” he admitted awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“What?” Keira’s head popped up off her knees before turning to face him, the first time all night she had directly looked at him that wasn’t some passing glance. Charlie was now the one avoiding eye contact as he continued to stare up at the sky trying to ignore her heated gaze on him. “What do you mean you were there? I didn’t see you!”

Oh great, déjà vu.

“I was behind a tree… I was looking for you to make sure you were okay and I found you the same time Professor Rakepick did, she was just closer. So I hid behind a tree and tried to figure out a reason why we were both outside so late so I could get us out of trouble. Before I had time to do that you sort of went off on her. I didn’t know you were going to do that!” Charlie quickly explained the situation from his point of view before she had a chance to start accusing him of being a creeper spy like Rowan did or thinking poorly of him.

“Oh my – putain de merde!” That set Keira off on another outburst but in French as she did some times when she was so overwhelmed or upset she couldn’t fathom it in English, so Charlie had no real idea what she was saying but she was flailing her hands a lot and appeared to be mortified so he could assume what she was going on about.

“Okay, okay, okay! It’s alright, I don’t think less of you or anything,” Charlie tried to reassure as he grabbed at her hands to stop them from flailing and grab her attention. He managed to finally capture her hands in his after a few failed attempts, stopping her frantic hand waving that accompanied her bi-lingual rant. He lowered their hands to their laps as she started to calm down and thankfully stopped her French rambling. His warm hands encompassing her naturally icy ones provided their own comfort and calming quality.

“It’s okay,” he said again gently, “I know you weren’t planning on having an audience or probably even planning on having that outburst – although, I must say it did sound pretty well thought out,” he complimented causing Keira to groan. Like she wasn’t embarrassed enough! “And, alright, I admit it was a little frightening, but-“ Keira let out another mortified groan and sunk her head lower, “But,” he reiterated, giving her hands a reassuring squeeze, “It was also… pretty impressive. I mean, badass. That’s what you’d like to be called, right? You stood up for what you believe. That’s what it sounded like anyway. And you stood up to Professor Rakepick which is not an easy thing to do. Well, easier than standing up to Professor Snape probably,” he laughed slightly.

“Listen, I know you’re having a hard day. We all know you’re having a hard day. And that’s okay. You don’t have to hold everything inside all the time. It’s not healthy. It’ll take a toll on you. And it’s going to find its way out in one way or another. And sometimes when you’re having a hard time you can’t help spreading that around, snapping at people… misery loves company, that’s what my mum says. And sure, you’re bound to be embarrassed by your behavior because it’s emotional and out of the norm, especially for you because, you know, you don’t really like being emotional. But we all have bad days and times when our emotions get the best of us, so we understand. I mean, you’re always there for us when we’re struggling and having a bad day and are understanding and don’t think any less of us, so why wouldn’t we do the same for you?”

Keira seemed to relax as she listened to Charlie’s reassuring words, letting them sink in as she processed them. Charlie watched her a moment before smiling encouragingly. “And, to be honest, I think she was kind of impressed with you going off on her like that. I don’t think you’re going to get in too much trouble. Maybe none at all.”

“So… you don’t think I’m crazy or irrational or whatever,” Keira asked quietly as she kept her gaze down.

“No, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re having a hard, emotionally exhausting time and it finally burst out after you tried to hold it all in,” Charlie reassured, causing a small smile to form on Keira’s face even if only for a brief moment.

“Wow, you’re a great Prefect,” Keira told him before quickly adding after a beat, “And older brother.”

Charlie couldn’t help but beam at that compliment. “Thank you.” Take that, Bill!

“I don’t know how you and Rowan could ever look at me the same after witnessing that,” Keira admitted.

“We’re both worried about you. And, okay, maybe a little more scared of you than before but I thought you’d like that,” Charlie teased, surprised to hear a small laugh escape from Keira.

“You guys have to stop worrying about me so much,” Keira told him.

Charlie couldn’t help but scoff slightly. “Easier said than done. I care about you.” Keira looked up at him, appearing somewhat surprised by his honest and genuine declaration. Her grey eyes locking on his caused him to falter briefly. “W-we care about you. We’re you’re friends,” he added much more clumsily than his previous statement.

Keira’s eyes searched his face a moment before smiling softly. “I don’t know how I got so lucky to have such amazing, caring people in my life.”

Charlie smiled back at her, giving her hands another squeeze before the sudden realization they were still holding hands dawned on both of them and a faint blush spread across both their faces.

“Uh, well, you know, we’re your friends,” Charlie said inelegantly as they both awkwardly took their hands away from each other. He cleared his throat before continuing. “We’re your friends. We care about you. And when you care about someone you’re always there for them no matter what.”

Keira nodded her head a couple times, agreeing with his statement, before her face started to scrunch up as she tried to hold back more tears but it was in vain. Charlie tensed up as tears once again ran down Keira’s face. Those were not happy tears! Oh crap, what did he do to make her start crying again? He thought they had gotten past this and she was smiling and laughing and feeling better!

“Oh shit, I’m sorry!” Charlie panicked slightly as Keira buried her face in her hands. He didn’t know what he said or did to cause her to cry but he felt awful. He slid his arm underneath the blanket resting across their shoulders and hesitantly draped an arm around her shaking frame. He knew she wasn’t really comfortable with a lot of physical contact but in his family they were pretty tactile, physically affectionate and comforting people. Fortunately, she didn’t shrink away from him or seem to mind the physical act of comfort at all.

After a few moments Keira seemed to calm her breathing down enough to speak clearly. “No, you’re right. And I want to help, I just don’t know how,” she wept.

Charlie watched her attentively, trying to decipher what she was talking about. He felt it was safe to determine she wanted to help someone but didn’t know how to, but who she wanted to help and why she was struggling so much with what to do was a complete blank for him. Was it one of their friends? Was someone in their group having an issue they were all unaware of? Keira was normally the one everyone in their gang opened up to.

“Well, I’m sure we can figure something out –“ he tried to reassure before she cut him off.

“I can’t tell you.” Charlie nodded his head. Okay, he could understand if it was a private matter. But then how was he supposed to help her figure out how to help this person if he didn’t know what the problem was?

“It’s just not fair,” Keira continued. “Someone so giving and caring and good – a good person – should not have to suffer and struggle so much! And I just want to help but I can’t,” she sobbed as Charlie attempted to soothe her by rubbing her back.

“Why can’t you,” Charlie asked gently, hoping this was a safer question and route to go than what the actual problem was for whomever they were talking about.

“Because,” she shouted defensively before her shoulders slumped and she once again appeared broken and defeated, “I’m not capable enough to.”

Charlie was unable to hold back his cynical laugh but he did his best to stifle it, especially when Keira looked rather offended by it.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I just… You? Not being capable? Come on.” Keira continued to stare at him incredulously. “You have overcame every obstacle that’s stood in your way when facing these Cursed Vaults and finding your brother. You’ve learned every charm, potion, transfiguration, learned all you can about any and all subjects even remotely related to these Vaults, you’ve snuck into forbidden places, dueled and fought off powerful witches, wizards, and creatures – there’s nothing you can’t overcome. So pardon me for not believing you when you say you’re not capable enough.”

Keira studied him a moment silently before turning to look away, casting her gaze down once again. “There you go again with the reassuring, big brother/Prefect, speech,” she muttered.

“Ah, but I’m not your big brother or your Prefect,” Charlie replied, grinning at her compliment nonetheless and the fact that it had helped, even a little, since she was no longer a bawling mess.

“No, you’re not,” Keira agreed quietly. She suddenly felt a sharp pain in her chest as more tears welled up in her eyes. Oh, Merlin, she wished Jacob was here. She could talk to Jacob about this. He’d be the only one to really understand what she was feeling. She took in a deep, shaky breath as she shoved thoughts of Jacob aside. She could not handle missing her brother on top of everything else she was dealing with today. She was already overwhelmed enough, adding Jacob to the equation… it would be too much, overpowering; it would be disastrous. “And I appreciate you saying all that. But I think the only reason I’m able to do all that is because you guys all help me,” she admitted.

“I don’t know. You’re a pretty determined person. I think even without us helping you’d find a way,” Charlie disclosed to her, resting his arm around her shoulders once again, a bit more casually this time, causing Keira to scoff slightly.

“Determined? Or stubborn,” she asked with a small smirk.

Charlie smirked slightly himself before replying. “You’re strong and smart and brave – you’re highly capable. We’re just here to offer our support.”

“I could have never gotten into or through the Forbidden Forest without you,” Keira said, turning to look up at him once again. Her sincere confession had caught the Gryffindor off guard as he sat there sort of gawking at her. Hey, he was supposed to be the one reassuring her, not the other way around! But hearing that she needed him really touched him. A faint blush spread across his face and he swore he saw Keira smirk smugly to herself, if even for a brief second.

“And I could never brew potions as great as Penny,” Keira added, snapping Charlie out of his thoughts.

“Well no one can brew potions like Penny, not even Professor Snape,” Charlie declared. Keira nodded her head slightly before resting her chin on top of her knees, once again looking defeated and lost. Charlie watched her a moment with a frown before a thought dawned on him.

“Wait, is that what you need? A potion?” When Keira didn’t reply he continued. “Because if you need a potion you could ask Penny. She would do anything to help you and making a potion is clearly no problem for her. And you know it would be done right, so why don’t you just –“

“I can’t.” Keira cut him off once again with a cold remark.

“I’m sure she could make it no questions asked if you tell her you can’t disclose to her why you need it. She would understand. And it’s for you. She’d make you any potion you wanted even if you didn’t tell her why you needed it,” Charlie tried to reassure.

“It’s not that simple,” Keira informed him but that didn’t really tell Charlie much.

“Why not,” he asked innocently.

“Because it’s not! It’s more complicated than that and I can’t tell you why it is! And even if I did ask her to make me this potion I need without telling her explicitly who or what it’s for she would easily figure it out. So, no, I cannot ask Penny to make me the potion I need.” Charlie couldn’t help but flinch slightly at her harsh tone but he understood her frustration and knew it wasn’t personal.

“Okay… So why not try and make it yourself,” he suggested carefully.

“I can’t! I told you I’m not capable. It’s complicated and hard and I’ll probably make some deadly poison instead,” Keira groaned before placing her forehead against her knees as she buried her face once again in despair.

Charlie resumed rubbing her back as he thought of what to say. Since his attempts at reassuring her and providing helpful suggestions were not going over well, he thought he’d try his hand again at lightening the mood. “Maybe Professor Snape will help you,” he joked, causing a hollow laugh from the downtrodden Slytherin.

“I thought about trying to find some to buy from some shady dealer in Knockturn Alley or something but I wouldn’t feel comfortable trusting it,” Keira admitted as she sat back upright.

“I’m sorry I’m not very good at Potions,” Charlie admitted apologetically.

“It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to be anyway,” Keira replied.

“Hey!” Now it was Charlie’s turn to be the offended one. His insulted cry caused the Slytherin to laugh as she apologized, and this time it actually sounded like a genuine laugh which encouraged him to continue. “You think the only thing I’m good for is trekking around the Forbidden Forest?”

“No. You also know a lot about Quidditch,” Keira retorted with a smirk before laughing more at Charlie’s exaggerated reaction.

“Oh so I’m good for two things! When you want to talk about Quidditch or hear about dragons Charlie is the one you need! Need a potion or skilled wizard don’t bother.”

“That’s not true,” Keira told him between laughs. “Andre is the one to go to to talk about Quidditch.”

“Ohhhh well excuse me,” Charlie cried out, causing Keira to laugh more. “So I’m just the one to go to when it’s about dragons or wandering around the Forbidden Forest? And I specify dragons because I know if I say magical creatures you’ll say you have Barnaby for that,” he accused, Keira nodding her head to confirm his suspicion. “Oh, okay, so I’m just the dragon specialist then?”

“Dragon Master,” Keira corrected.

“Dragon Mas- Dragon Master? Actually that’s a pretty cool title. Dragon Master.” Charlie stopped his overdramatic antics to mull over this new name while Keira’s laughter finally started to die down.

She really needed that.

Charlie looked over at her, once he decided that Dragon Master should be his official new nickname, and smiled to himself as he saw her finally smiling. Even if it didn’t completely reach her eyes, even if there was still this hopelessness lingering around her, he made her smile, got her to laugh, and gave her a little bit more happiness in this awful day she was having.

“Hey,” he spoke softly, grabbing her attention as she looked up at him curiously. “We’ll figure it out.” Keira smiled sadly up at him but there was a small glimmer of hope in her eyes. He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze before, much to his surprise, Keira shifted to lay her head on his shoulder.

“Did you want to see some drawings I did today instead of taking notes in class,” Charlie asked after a moment, reaching over to grab his bag with his free hand. He felt like he had his best luck that night at making her feel better by getting her mind off of whatever was bothering her.

“Are they of dragons,” Keira asked in a slight mocking tone.

“I wouldn’t be the Dragon Master if they weren’t,” Charlie retorted as he brought out his notes from today’s lessons and laid them on his lap. “This is a Hungarian Horntail,” he started, pointing to a dragon sketch on top of his Charms notes.

“Of course it is,” Keira muttered. He drew one of those every day, she swore, since it was his favorite.

“Yeah, yeah,” Charlie teased, moving on to the next page of notes. “These are a couple of ideas I had if you bred a Swedish Short-Snout with a Chinese Fireball.” Keira let out a small chuckle at the weird looking snout that could possibly be produced if these two breeds ever mated. Charlie smiled to himself as he heard her amused laugh. So far, so good.

He appreciated that he could talk to her for hours about dragons, his theories, show her his drawings like these of what crossbreeds may look like, and she never appeared bored or annoyed. In fact she would ask insightful questions about his theories, sometimes even add to them, ask about dragon blood uses, if there were ethical ways to attain dragon hide-made clothing or dragon horns which are used in many potions.

Charlie turned to his next page of notes before tensing up slightly. Oh no, these were his Defense Against the Dark Arts notes. That’s when her already bad day became unbearable. Maybe he could just casually set those aside and move on to another page…

“What’s that,” Keira asked, pointing to a drawing he had done on the bottom of his parchment.

Charlie hesitated before answering her. If this made her start crying again he might as well pack up and leave because clearly he wasn’t comforting her as well as he should be, or at least wanted to be. He didn’t want to keep making her feel reassured and laugh to then become a sobbing mess again! He had to break this cycle!

“That’s uh… Well, you know today’s lesson was on werewolves so naturally I thought what would happen if a werewolf bit a dragon,” he cautiously explained, watching her closely as she continued to stare at his dragon drawing. So far no crying…

“So, I present to you the weredragon,” Charlie said a bit proudly of his new creation. His illustration depicted a creature with a dragon body and tail but werewolf like claws and a werewolf head, fur trailing down its neck and tail and along the back of its legs as well as along its wings. Keira studied the image closely, silently, the expression on her face unreadable. He was not going to be able to handle it if she burst into tears again, especially because of him and his drawing he just had to show her.

“…What do you think,” he asked warily. He was stunned when a smile crept onto her face. He for sure thought this was going to lead to another emotional breakdown, one he would feel entirely responsible for and, therefore, horrible.

“I love it.” Well that certainly was not the reaction he was expecting! “I think it’s my favorite.” Charlie grinned to himself and relaxed as Keira stared at his drawing fondly.

“Yeah? Well then I’ll draw you your own and you can hang it up in your room,” Charlie told her.

“Only if you sign it,” Keira replied, glancing up at him briefly to throw him a small smile, earning a smile back from the Gryffindor.

“Okay, but it’s not going to be worth anything,” Charlie replied.

“It’s worth something to me,” Keira informed him.

Charlie grinned to himself as he felt warmth spread within him from his chest. He slid his Defense Against the Dark Arts notes onto her lap so she could continue to admire his illustration before continuing on with his next set of notes. “This is an Ukranian Ironbelly setting fire to a small village.”

“Wow, that’s a bit gruesome and dark for you,” Keira observed.

“I have to stay true to the dragons and their natural instincts. Besides, the people of this village probably try to steal its eggs and kill its kind so it’s just retaliating to defend itself and kin,” Charlie explained.

“Wow so there’s like a whole backstory to your drawings,” Keira teased. “Maybe you should write a book.” Charlie chuckled before attempting to further this tale he already began, even creating some actual characters with names and their own backstory, lightheartedly cultivating this imaginary book of his.

The two sat atop the Astronomy Tower, discussing dragons, other magical creatures, and wherever their conversation led them, exchanging ideas, balancing out their teasing with reassuring encouragement, accompanied with some laughter.

The image of the couple cuddled up under their layers of blankets as they deepened their bond through meaningful, pleasant, and enjoyable conversation was illuminated by the bright light radiating down from the full moon that hung ominously in the velvet night sky.

“That’s Algiz, that’s Teiwaz,” Keira explained as she motioned to the corresponding runes, causing the eldest Weasley to stare at his practice test she administered for him in confusion.

“How do you remember all this,” Bill asked as he continued to look over his answers, focusing on the wrong ones.

Keira shrugged. “I don’t know, just do. They’re used in alchemy and I love alchemy so maybe that’s why,” she suggested. Bill nodded his head, half listening to her before groaning, his head flopping back on to the couch. The two were sitting on the floor in front of the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room, leaning comfortably back against the couch. Keira had perfected the art of getting in and out of other Common Rooms, partially with Penny’s help who somehow learned how to get in and out of every House’s Common Room in her First Year – her popularity most likely aided in that. But Keira figured out her own way of getting into the Gryffindor Common Room all by herself Second Year, which she was pretty proud of. And who didn’t like being a little rebellious and being somewhere they shouldn’t be? Fortunately, no one really seemed to mind when she was in another House’s Dorm.

“I’m never going to get this,” Bill groaned hopelessly. “How am I supposed to remember everything from the past seven year plus everything they’re going to teach us this year for the N.E.W.T.s,” he cried out in despair.

“Don’t worry, you’ll pass them all with Outstanding’s…. Well at least Exceeds Expectations,” Keira attempted to reassure, and maybe also tease a little.

“But I need O’s to become a Curse-Breaker,” Bill exclaimed. She had never seen the Gryffindor so stressed out before and it was honestly scary.

“How about we take a break –“ she began to suggest calmly which unfortunately caused Bill to erupt in another frantic, stressful shriek.

“There’s no time for breaks!” Keira stared at him with wide, fearful eyes.

“Okay… then, how about you keep studying and I’ll go get us some study snacks and make us some tea or cocoa…. Or maybe something stronger,” she muttered as she carefully stood up and took a couple steps away from the hysterical, anxious mess that was formerly William Weasley. How could she forget study snacks, they were an essential part to the studying process!

Bill continued to pour over his many textbooks and parchment piles of notes, mumbling incoherently, probably reading out loud to himself in an attempt to help him better remember. Seeing him like this was really causing Keira to consider leaving after Sixth year so she wouldn’t have to suffer through this same, sad fate.

As she contemplated her future the arrival of another redhead caught her attention. “Charlie!” Eagerly calling out his name like that was a little embarrassing but she managed to brush it off as she reached into her bag and pulled out a small box tied up with a ribbon before hurrying over to him.

Charlie paused when he heard his name called upon entering the Gryffindor Common Room after Quidditch practice. He had planned on going straight upstairs to take a shower but someone sounded like they needed to speak with him right away. He was quite surprised to see the Slytherin bounding toward him. No matter how many times he saw her in their Common Room he was always surprised. How did she always manage to get in there? Not that he was complaining!

“Hey,” he greeted with his classic, infectious smile, running a hand through his hair possibly trying to tame it from its sweaty mess thanks to his Quidditch practice. Oh great, he probably smelled awful…

It had been a little over a week since he found her crying on top of the Astronomy Tower and since then things had felt a little awkward between them considering he found her sobbing on top of the Astronomy Tower. Keira wasn’t one to normally show her emotions or be so vulnerable in front of anyone, so he was sure she felt a little embarrassed about that and he didn’t want to make her feel judged in any way or like their relationship had changed; although, clearly it had changed, but not in a negative way! He didn’t want to make her feel awkward in any sort of way so he had been keeping a slight distance between them, thinking she may want some space from him after sharing such a vulnerable moment with him. They hadn’t really spoken or spent time alone since then.

Although when they had their next Defense Against the Dark Arts class he did try to give her a little pep talk, accompanied with a brief pumping up shoulder massage like one gave boxers, before they entered the classroom with Barnaby and the rest of their friends who shared that class with them, and continued to give her reassuring looks throughout the class.

Also, as promised, he drew her her own personal weredragon picture which he slid over to her the other day while their gang was having another study session in the library. Keira looked thrilled to receive it and he was pretty positive she wanted to give him a hug. She did slide it back over to him to have him sign it, although he still didn’t understand why she would want that, before she took it and hung it up by her bed in her Dorm. He was a little nervous when he gave her that picture, it could bring back memories of that night which weren’t exactly the happiest, but then, yesterday when she passed him a note in Charms asking what would an Antipodean Opaleye and a Hebridean Black crossbreed look like he felt reassured that things were well between them.

Despite those moments, they still had not spent any time one-on-one, their friends always around them when they interacted the past week and a half. Until now, it seemed.

“Hey,” Keira greeted with a grin as she stopped in front of him. “Have a nice practice?”

“Yeah, it was… tiring,” Charlie admitted, sounding a bit out of breath actually. “What are you doing in here,” he asked curiously before he was unable to resist teasing her, a charming smirk playing on his lips. “Wait, don’t tell me you were waiting for me? Miss me?”

Keira rolled her eyes but couldn’t help smirking slightly herself. “No. I’m here helping your brother study for his N.E.W.T.s – Ancient Runes,” she informed him, motioning to his disaster of an older brother behind her.

“My mind’s been Obliviated,” Bill groaned.

Charlie glanced over her shoulder before wincing slightly. “I’ve never seen him so stressed before.”

“Yeah, me neither. But once he gets through his exams and finds out he passed them all and is able to become a Curse-Breaker he’ll be back to his chill, cool self,” Keira reassured before handing him the small wrapped box excitedly. “Here.”

Charlie looked down at the apparent gift for him. “What? What’s this,” he asked curiously as he hesitantly took the box from her.

“It’s a thank you slash early birthday present,” Keira told him, unable to keep herself from grinning.

Charlie studied the box a moment before frowning slightly. “You don’t have to get me anything.” Of all the Weasley’s she had encountered, Charlie was the worst one at accepting gifts. She was well aware, as were most people, they were not the wealthiest family but she wasn’t trying to give them any sort of handouts out of pity. She didn’t think a birthday or Christmas gift was out of line, or a thank you for being there for me when I needed you gift.

“But I wanted to,” Keira informed him matter-of-factly, so don’t argue with her! “Besides, everyone should get something for their birthday.”

“But it’s not my birthday yet –“

“I said it was an early birthday present,” Keira corrected him. “Slash, thank you gift. Just open it,” she urged excitedly.

Charlie huffed slightly, not nearly as excited as she was, before untying the ribbon around the box. “Alright, alright.” His grumbling came to a halt when his eyes saw what lay in the box.

His gift was a small bronze statuette of a dragon. Although it had no real discernible features if he had to wager a guess it was probably a Hebridean Black since it had four legs and wings, instead of its wings making up its front claws as well, and had an arrow-shaped spike at the end of its tail. Whether she bought this because it resembled her favorite dragon or for some other reason, like it being the only kind they had, he had no idea, but since it resembled her favorite dragon on top of her gifting it to him he would definitely always think of her when he looked at it.

He stammered slightly as he took the tiny dragon figurine out of its box for a closer look, trying to find the words to thank her but he was also mesmerized by this unexpected present. Keira looked a bit smug, but mainly overjoyed, as she watched Charlie’s eyes lit up.

“But wait, there’s more,” Keira announced excitedly, causing Charlie to look at her quizzically before glaring at her slightly as she took the statuette out of his hand. Hey, that was his! She walked over to one of the tables in the Gryffindor Common Room and set his dragon figurine on it, Charlie close behind – she took his dragon!

“What? Does it do something,” Charlie asked curiously as he studied it closely. “Ooo, does it breathe fire,” he asked excitedly. Finally he was getting enthusiastic over receiving a present!

“Not yet,” Keira replied with a smirk as she took out her wand. “As you may or may not know, Professor McGonagall has been giving me some private lessons in Transfigurations.” She cleared her throat before pointing her wand at the dragon statuette. “Draconifors.” With a slash of her wand a fiery red light emerged and illuminated his figurine. When it dissipated his dragon had appeared to come to life!

Charlie’s eyes widened the size of bludgers before he let out some inhuman noise of pure elation. “It’s a dragon!” Keira laughed slightly as his overjoyed reaction, moving her wand slightly to cause his now living dragon figurine to walk along the table. Charlie crouched down to be eye level with his little dragon, watching it in fascination. He was like a kid in Honeydukes. Keira smirked more before, with a flick of her wrist, the dragon leapt onto Charlie’s head. He let out another excited squeal, for lack of a better word, as he slowly stood up, his eyes rolling as far as they could, attempting to look at the dragon on top of his head.

“This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten,” he informed her as he carefully reached up to grab the dragon from his head and gently held it in his hand.

“I’m very happy to hear that. But it’s not a real dragon, unfortunately. I mean, it kind of is, but not really,” Keira tried to explain. “I asked Professor McGonagall to teach me the Draconifors Spell after reading about it in one of the additional readings she suggested to me. It’s supposed to be able to transform small objects into dragons that you can control. They’re obviously a lot smaller and less powerful than a real dragon but they’re still really cool. And cute.”

Charlie stroked the tiny dragon in his palm with one finger from his free hand. “It is cute,” he agreed, sounding like he was only half listening. Keira wasn’t going to take offense to him ignoring her at the moment.

“You know, if you’re good I’ll teach you the spell and you can turn this little guy, or any small object, into a dragon whenever you want,” Keira offered.

That seemed to grab Charlie’s attention as his head snapped up to look at her. “Yeah? Really?”

“Well, if you’re good and don’t piss me off,” Keira reiterated.

“I drew you a personalized, signed, picture,” Charlie argued.

“So? Barnaby draws me a magical creature picture every day,” Keira informed him. So he would have to do better!

“How about, if Gryffindor beats Slytherin in the next Quidditch match you have to teach me,” Charlie wagered causing Keira to scoff.

“I am not going to be able to handle you crying after you lose,” Keira retorted.

“I would not cry! …. Need I remind you I helped you get through the Forbidden Forest to find the Cursed-Vault in there,” Charlie replied with a smirk.

“Need I remind you how I helped you gather up enough money to get a dragon egg from some shady dealer which turned out to be an Acromantula egg,” Keira debated, placing her hands on her hips. She was pretty sure she won that round.

Charlie and Keira glared playfully at each other before something out of the corner of the Seeker’s eye caught his attention. “Uh, Ady, I think your study buddy is having a nervous breakdown.”

Keira frowned quizzically before turning around to see Bill agitatedly running his fingers through his hair and pulling at it. Oh, Merlin, he was literally about to pull his hair out.

“William, no! Your hair is your best feature. You’ll never be able to get a date without it,” Keira cried as she hurried over to eldest Weasley and grabbed onto his wrists. Charlie chuckled slightly as he watched them before turning his attention back to his new little dragon. Hmm, what should he name it…

“Charles!” Charlie’s head snapped up when he heard his name, and not his friendlier nickname, called. “Help me with your brother,” Keira demanded as she tried to wrestle Bill’s hands away from his head.

Charlie glanced down at the tiny dragon in his hand. “Come on little guy, let’s go show you to Bill. That should take his mind off his exams.”

~*~*~*~

“Ooo chocolate cake,” Keira gasped excitedly as she grabbed a slice of the leftover dessert from dinner. It was another late night hang out in the kitchens of Hogwarts for the Cursed-Vaults Gang…Crew… they had yet to decide on a name.

“Could you grab me some too, please,” Penny asked politely as she gathered drinks for everyone.

Keira cut another slice of cake for the Hufflepuff and set it on a plate before licking off some remnants of chocolate icing off her fingers. “So…” Keira glanced over as she was joined by the Gryffindor Seeker who swooped in and leaned casually back against the stone wall next to her. “Looks like things are good now between you and Penny.”

“Were we fighting,” Keira asked curiously.

“Well, not exactly, but you can’t deny there was some tension between you two for a while there. I mean, she did cause you to storm out of the library that one time,” Charlie reminded her.

Keira glanced back at the blonde Hufflepuff as she handed out everyone’s drinks to them. “Yeah, well, we’re good now,” she told him with a small smile. “Actually… there was sort of a… crucial situation that kind of made us address the issue. And I think it was really good, for both of us. She got to face and work through some things and I got her to teach me how to brew that potion I needed so I’d call it a win-win,” she confided in him.

“Yeah? That’s great,” Charlie exclaimed with a grin. “See, I told you we’d figure it out.”

Keira frowned slightly and paused. “Wait, what did you do, exactly?”

“I provided emotional support?” Keira fought back a smile as she looked up at the cheesy grin of the Gryffindor.

“That may be true but that didn’t necessarily help resolve the issue,” Keira pointed out.

“The point is it’s figured out so all is well. See, no point in all that blubbering,” Charlie teased earning himself a playful – well, partially playful, partially anger fueled – smack from the Slytherin. “Ow!” Charlie rubbed his chest where she hit him, trying to appear emotionally hurt but he couldn’t keep from smiling. He was glad they were at the point where they could talk and joke about it now and it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable anymore.

“Oh, you’re fine. You get hit by bludgers all the time,” Keira retorted as she picked up the two plates of chocolate cake.

“I think you stopped my heart for a second there,” Charlie teased causing Keira to roll her eyes as she smirked to herself.

“Maybe that’ll teach you to be nicer to me,” Keira replied a bit smugly as she turned to bring Penny her piece of cake.

“Maybe…” Charlie started before a smirk spread across his face and he quickly snatched a plate of chocolate cake out of her hand – this was not the Golden Snitch! “Or maybe I like a challenge,” he cried in typical Gryffindor fashion, before hurrying away from her and to the safety of their friend group.

“Charles!”

~*~*~*~

Connerie – Bullshit

Putain de merde – Fucking shit

Needed Information on my MC: Nereida Keira-Adelyn Black, goes by her middle names, Charlie likes to call her Ady; born in Ireland, grew up in Canada; part undine; 

Remus Lupin is legal guardian/godfather, although not feeling he was the best fit to take care of Jacob and Keira (financially or for health reasons) after their mother passed they were raised by close friends of their mom in Canada. When they decided to attend Hogwarts instead of staying in Canada for school to connect with their Irish and English heritage, Remus, being the only person they knew, and really family they had, when they arrived in the UK for school, did his best to watch over them and take care of them since he couldn’t leave them to fend for themselves in a new country all alone. Fortunately, they were very independent and when he took the necessary precautions during the full moon he didn’t have to worry so much about them managing on their own. He didn’t feel comfortable staying at their home without them their so he really only lived with them (and had a good place to live/stay) during holidays and the summers, assuming the moon phase allowed. He also, of course, refused to accept any money or gifts from them although Keira demanded he should get a birthday and Christmas present at least and promised not to be too extravagant (but it’s not fair he has to live in poverty, he can stay at their home! He’s family!)

He and Keira clearly got very close since Jacob went missing and he proved to be probably the best at helping them with their watermarks and other undine characteristics. He tried to keep the fact that he was a werewolf from them as long as possible, not wanting to scare them or cause them any worry especially when they were so young but it wasn’t too difficult for them to figure out (he always left around the full moon every month and his nickname was Moony – come on! Keeping with tradition =p Keira found out Remus was a werewolf during her Third Year) and it ended up being a sort of bonding moment considering they were not completely human either and he knew what undergoing a painful transformation was like. (Being around Keira and Jacob who reminded him so much of Sirius and James also may have helped Remus feel less alone.) Keira is fiercely protective over Remus. They also like to send each other packages of chocolate every month – Remus may not be able to afford much be he somehow always manages to find enough money to send her a little bit of chocolate.

(One of these days I will make a post for my MC’s bio… Hope I explained her relationship to Remus well enough. I really need to make some posts just about my MC, even if no one cares and it’s just for me. Also I don’t care if people hate me trying to have my character connected to the Marauders, we all love Remus and he deserves love and happiness! Like we all don’t want to be connected to them anyway…)

A/N: I’ve been having a lot of Remus Lupin feelings lately. I’ve even started making a Remus Lupin, and a Remus x Tonks playlist… Idk… I have had some other ideas about Remus I might write although they, one in particular, would go against canon but… does that really matter? =p But there is definitely one involving Remus I really want to write so it’s going to happen, probably next! It’s almost like a werewolf trilogy thing I’m starting to create! <.< 

Hello, I’m incapable of writing a short fic. =p Can’t even write a brief authors note… I have a lot of thoughts!

I know we all, particularly me, enjoy pointing out how great an older brother Bill is but Charlie is also an amazing older brother – reassuring, nonjudgmental, willing to smuggle a dragon out of Hogwarts for you, no questions asked. The Weasley’s have such great, chill, older brothers – Love this family! I also believe the Weasley family is a more affectionate family, physically and verbally; growing up with so many people, and in tighter living quarters, you also had to get used to touching someone else while just trying to eat at the table =p

Also, in case there are any questions or those who believe I’m contributing to the erasure of Charlie’s sexuality, I assure you that is not true. Being on the ace-spectrum myself (as is my MC) I am doing my best to convey him on the ace-spectrum as well. Also, just because someone is ace/aro doesn’t mean they are unable to care about others and forge meaningful relationships.

What’s the deal with me and the Astronomy Tower/Class – no idea =p I also believe the reason Professor McGonagall has not taught us the Draconifors spell is because she knows Charlie will use it all the time on everything!

Was the first Chaser who wanted more… aggressive tactics Marcus Flint? Perhaps… Did I go through the House Point leaderboard on the game and make a Slytherin Quidditch team? …Yes =p (If you’re interested let me know and I’ll post it. And if you want your MC on the team can do [I’m Captain of this ship!] – unless you want to be a Beater in which case have to be reserve, sorry, Barnaby and my MC are Beater Buddies!)

So here’s the deal – I began writing this before the Werewolf event in the game happened and I was already starting on the ending scene when the event came out so please excuse any discrepancies. I did add in a couple references to it and although clearly it would be out of order since the Werewolf event clearly happened around Halloween and this I had set late November (okay, full disclosure, I looked up the moon phases for that year and November 23 would be a full moon which I thought was perfect since I wanted it to be cold and it was close to Charlie’s birthday) BUT in my defense I started writing this first before the event came out so therefore it happens first! =p And then… idk, Time Warp =p Maybe Fenrir attacked around the Christmas feast instead of the Halloween one? The event did help me figure out how MC got Penny to teach her how to brew Wolfsbane potion which also provides a two-part epilogue! This could also work with Chiara I think too assuming Penny hadn’t met her yet so you can imagine that if it works out better for you but this was for Remus!

You’re all welcome I resisted adding a “Not Today Satan, Not Today” gif in this because the urge was real! …I still might

Other Hogwarts Mystery Fics:

Under the Stars - Fluff at the End of the Year Ball with Charlie

I know it’s not very fluffy or a follow up to Under the Stars so if you want to remove your tag or need me to do it let me know;I hope that was all I was supposed to tag! If you want to be added to the tag list let me know =) Or if you just want to discuss HPHM things or ideas hmu! 

@sungoddessra @sly-vixen-up2nogood @bexeris @tatlikar @cinnamoncam 

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #fanfic #charlie weasley #hphm mc #charlie x mc #remus lupin #i wrote a thing #fic #my mc #my fic #save it to read over the weekend maybe #hp oc #bill weasley #penny haywood #barnaby lee #rowan khanna #charliexmc #charliexoc #charlie x oc

[emperorren]

Do you think we're going to get more of ben's backstory in IX? The whole 'he thinks his parents were scared of him and gave up on him and sent him off to luke’s who confirmed his fears' is integral to understanding his vader worship and the “I am a monster. I’m kylo ren.” mindset he embraces, and why Luke’s perceived betrayal made him turn. Without it none of it makes sense. As of now one of the most common takes for movie onlys is that he’s a spoiled brat who’s angry that he didn’t (cont.)

(cont.) get enough attention. It sort of seems like everyone involved in the films assumes the general audience is on the same page but they’re not. If all we get in the films are the allusions we got in TFA it will ruin his character for the GA and a large portion of the SW fandom who don’t read the books and I’m really worried they’re not going to elaborate on it any further. I don’t know how’d they’d even do it, it’s the last movie, they’ve backed themselves into a corner.

I don’t think IX will delve into Ben’s backstory a LOT more than TFA and TLJ did, and to be honest, I don’t think it needs to. Ben’s backstory has already been told---in broad and extremely succinct strokes, but the picture they paint is very clear and effective. 

We had Han and Leia’s—especially Leia’s—guilt over what happened. Their strained relationship, tinged with regret and heartbreak; Leia’s explicit belief it was Snoke who manipulated Ben; Han’s /last minute redemptive gesture/ on Starkiller, when he decides he’s going to be there for his son at last, for real, and do everything in his power to rip him from Snoke’s clutches or die trying. We had Snoke treating Ben like a dog on a leash, displaying classic abuser behavior, keeping him as isolated and emotionally starved as possible, paralyzed in an endless praise/punishment cycle, giving him tasks that he knows will break him, forcing him to go down a slippery slope with every crime he commits so he’ll feel like there’s no going back, making him complicit in the murder of his own family, then sneering at him when he reluctantly complies. We had Luke’s fear of Ben’s dark side and his impulsive attempt to murder him in his sleep, which tells us two things: 1) Luke was most certainly not the only one in Ben’s family who was afraid of him, and 2) a familial environment in which being murdered by your own uncle is an actual possibility is NOT an ideal place to grow up in (and that, if Ben is a troubled adult, at least part of the reason is to be found in that particular environment). We had, well, Ben’s entire characterization—emotional instability/stuntedness, anger issues, vulnerability when challenged, deep desire to connect with someone who he thinks is like him, reverting to a 5 years old whenever he is confronted by a member of his family, being simultaneously afraid, resentful of, and eager to please Snoke.

Like, the facts are already all there, and very easy to read. A dysfunctional family that broke under the unresolved weight of its patriarch’s crimes and all the lies that had been told about him. A gifted but problematic child whose darkness was not dealt with properly due to said unresolved family issues, and festered and festered until a predator took advantage of it. At some point the problematic child was sent to his uncle, who tried to kill him, and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The boy destroyed the entire place where he almost got murdered, left a few corpses behind, and ran to the predator—the only viable parental figure that was left to him by that point. There’s nothing strange or particularly complicated about this story, it’s a classic “neutral character is failed horribly by the good guys, so becomes the bad guy” narrative---the details might vary but the backbone is present in almost every sympathetic villain’s origin story.

Do we need some flashbacks? Of the Jedi academy, of Ben’s childhood? Maybe—I’d love to see more details about it—but I don’t think they’re essential to understand Ben’s character, or the story, or the basic aspects of his backstory, or why it’s important that he redeems himself. If a part of the audience is still not getting it, frankly, it’s their problem. It’s not Lucasfilm’s problem if people think Luke was justified in trying to mercy-kill his nephew for crimes he hadn’t committed yet, or that being mad that a close relative hates you so much that he’d almost murder you somehow equates to whining that you’re not getting enough attention. It’s not Lucasfilm’s problem if people straight up ignore what Leia said on screen, out loud, about Snoke (or Snoke’s own villain monologue in TLJ, for that matter). It’s not Lucasfilm’s problem if people look at Kylo’s relationship with Snoke and miss all the obvious marks that make Snoke the quintessential abusive dark side mentor, and Kylo a victim—a dynamic modeled on the Palpatine/Anakin pattern, that anyone who fancies themselves as a Star Wars fan should have no problem detecting.

In short, I think the picture is clear enough as it is, and any additional info would be expanding on it, not clarifying it, which isn’t necessary. I don’t expect IX to suddenly start spoon-feeding the audience with a dozen flashbacks of how increasingly difficult Ben’s childhood was, or the exact sequence of events that took place in the Jedi academy that night, or what led uncle Luke to conclude Ben was better off dead because he was too much of a threat, or what Han did exactly to alienate his son, and I wouldn’t want it to. The present story arc has the priority on whatever happened in the past. And Ben’s past is a) clear enough in its broad strokes, and b) not as important as his future actions, redemption-wise.

#people who are still spouting spoiled brat nonsense are idiots #and star wars may be for children but it sure as hell ain't for idiots #so why do you think it should cater to idiots? #anon #asks #redemption #kylo's meta #audience's perception #kylo's backstory #ben solo #anti kylo bs

[caseycardwell]

Coming out at work

Our stories of what makes a great workplace for LGBTQIA+ people

With thanks to: 

Chloe | Social Media Manager | She/her

Stuart | Senior Clinical Support Worker | He/him

Eliza | Freelance Content Creator | They/them

Linnea | Art Director and Visual Designer | She/her

At SH:24, we are all about sexual health. Sexual health isn’t just about getting tested for STIs or using contraception, it’s also about feeling happy and comfortable with your sexuality so that sex is always a healthy, safe and joyful experience. We have lots of fantastic LGBTQIA+ colleagues, and we want to make sure that they are supported at work. 

To celebrate Pride 2021 (and to get some useful tips on how to improve), we asked some of our LGBTQIA+ colleagues about their experiences in the workplace.

How can workplaces better support and attract LGBTQIA+ employees?

“Be open and actively work to help the community and make it very clear that you support them.” Eliza, Freelance Content Creator

“Don’t just support your staff during Pride month! Support them 365 days a year,” said Stuart, our Senior Clinical Support worker. This was echoed by Eliza, a freelance Content Creator, who added, “Just changing a logo to rainbow during June isn’t enough. Companies should be actively looking to hire us.”

Stuart felt that workplaces have come a long way, with some larger companies having LGBTQ+  networks to offer support, raise awareness and communicate that intolerant behaviour is not acceptable. “But we still have a long way to go, for example, in supporting staff who are Trans and encouraging the use of pronouns.” He felt that training and better awareness of LGBTQ+ issues can help to make better working environments.

Linnea, our Art Director and Visual Designer, made the point that understanding LGBTQ+ issues and needs should be the responsibility of the employer, not the employees. “As a queer person it’s easy to become the only one repeatedly pointing out the presence of cis- and heteronormativity. It becomes a heavy burden to always be the one challenging things. It can make you feel invisible. What sets a workplace apart is if they can listen and take on suggestions about how to make it more inclusive, then build on that themselves, rather than relying on queer employees to point it out every time.”

Chloe, our Social Media manager, agreed. “It’s great when companies actively acknowledge LGBTQIA+ issues and are openly putting actions in place to check complicity or unconscious bias.”

At SH:24, we’ve started to encourage colleagues to add their pronouns to their comms profiles. “Joining teams who automatically put pronouns in their bio is a great way for me to feel seen,” said Eliza. “It’s not common practice yet but I think we’re getting there.”

Can you tell us about coming out at work?

“I felt like I had to make a decision about my sexuality to stop people prodding around my personal life, before I even understood it myself!” Chloe, Social Media Manager

“I very quietly put my pronouns in my social media bio and email sign off,” said Eliza. “People slowly started to notice that I’m using they/them. Once I felt more comfortable I came out ‘officially’ online and in the workplace. I was met with great support. A few people didn’t understand it but they were open to learning.” 

As a Freelancer, Eliza moves between workplaces, which presents its own challenges. “I don’t always feel comfortable coming out with new clients,” they said, “but overall I feel very supported.”

Stuart said he’d never had a big coming out at any workplace. “It’s partly because I’ve worked in places where I felt safe or was aware of other LGBTQ+ employees and could see how they interacted with other staff.” He usually just drops it into a conversation: “I talk about my husband and what we did over the weekend.”

Chloe shared a different perspective. Before joining SH:24, she’d worked as an artist in the music industry. “I was very young when I started. I hadn’t had the experience or time to understand my own sexuality, but people were making assumptions and constantly questioning who I was attracted to and making jokes about it and my appearance.” 

Her management didn’t give her much protection, and Chloe felt they actually played on her sexuality to add some ‘mystique’ to her image. “I didn’t realise at the time, but this robbed me of the opportunity to really understand who I was. I felt like I had to make a decision about my sexuality to stop people prodding around my personal life, before I even understood it myself!”

How important is it for you to be able to be open about your sexuality in the workplace?

“Feeling like the exception to the rule can be uncomfortable, especially if you are recently coming to terms with your identity.” Chloe, Social Media Manager

Sexuality is often presented as something secondary, that’s part of your ‘personal life’ but not part of the workplace. But our business is sexual health, so we’re well aware of the importance of sexuality in all aspects of a person’s life.The workplace is where a lot of people spend most of their time. So we want to know, how important is it for our colleagues to be able to be open about their sexuality at work? 

Stuart hit the nail on the head. “It’s part of who I am and not something I should have to hide. Being happy in the workplace allows me to be more productive.” 

Eliza agreed. “It’s important for me to be myself in the workplace. You spend a lot of time with your colleagues and it’s important to feel safe and to feel and be yourself.”

Chloe talked about active inclusivity. “It’s important to not have your sexuality/gender ‘othered’ in the workplace. Workplaces shouldn’t assume ‘cishet’ identities as the default. You shouldn’t feel like you’re deviating from the status quo.”

“Working for companies where other queer people are visible is really imporant,” she went on. “It’s not always possible, but being in a team with other LGBTQIA+ people makes it a lot easier to feel comfortable about being open about your sexuality. It can make it a more joyful, celebratory experience!”

What do you wish you had known before coming out?

“Coming out is an ongoing process. Each time you start a new job, meet new people.” Stuart, Senior Clinical Support Worker

Eliza was surprised at the ‘outpouring of love’ they received after coming out. “I wish I’d known how scary it can be to come out. I also wish I’d know that more people would support me than I thought.”

Coming out isn’t usually a one-off event. You might come out in different ways to different people all the time, especially in the workplace. “It gets easier over time, as you become more comfortable in yourself,” said Stuart. 

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Eliza often has to ‘come out’ to voice their pronouns. “As a non-binary person who presents very femme,” said Eliza, “I still struggle to correct people when they accidentally use the wrong pronoun.”

“It’s ok for your understanding of your sexuality to change all the time!” Chloe, Social Media Manager

Chloe reminds us that coming out should be totally up to you. “What do I wish I’d known before coming out?” she said. “That you don’t have to. For me, ‘coming out’ felt quite intimidating, like I had to know absolutely everything about my sexuality before I did it. I realise now that’s not true! In the end, I just started exploring my bisexuality, being more open about my experiences, and let others catch up!” 

What advice would you give someone wanting to be out (in the workplace)?

“If your identity makes someone uncomfortable, you are not the problem.” Chloe, Social Media Manager

“It’s your decision to come out at work if you choose,” said Stuart. “Some people come out with a bang, others don’t. Only you know what is the best way to be you. Each place I’ve worked, I usually come out to the people I’ll be working closely with to start with, then let it happen naturally from there.”

Eliza had similar advice. “Take your time, only come out when you feel ready and safe to do so,” they said. “Most people will love and support you. If they don’t, it’s their loss.”

Linnea said she’d had positive experiences coming out in the workplace. “Most people have been really friendly and open about me having a girlfriend. My negative experiences have been structural (like lesbian erasure) and unconscious biases, where some people have made assumptions about me or my relationship purely because it’s same sex.”

Her advice is to go for it. “Try not to take ignorance personally. People might not know anything about it. I like to assume that people mean well (unless they prove otherwise) and I remind myself that we live in a homophobic society, where everyone learns those narratives and internalises them to some degree. Some people will have had the opportunity to have those views challenged, and some not. Sometimes ignorance is just that: learned behaviour that hasn’t been questioned. There will always be some people who don’t want to or think they don’t need to challenge those internalised narratives, but I like to think they’re in the minority.” 

Can you share an experience when you felt your sexuality was recognised in a positive way?

“When I moved to Margate!” said Chloe, enthusiastically. “It was the first time in my LIFE that people didn’t assume my sexuality, despite me moving with a male partner.” Chloe felt able to be herself right from the start. “I feel part of the queer community there, regardless of my heterosexual-presenting relationship. It’s helped me to work through internalised biophobia - it’s tough to feel like you’re not making the whole thing up when people don’t see you. I feel much MUCH more confident coming out to new people with pride, rather than anxiety that I’ll have to defend myself.”

Linnea had a recent experience with some kids on the street. “These cool kids asked me to take their photo. They chatted to me about queer stuff and I was like, ‘Wow! Maybe they saw me and realised I was gay too!’ That’s never really happened to me before! I was happy to be read that way which I’m always nervous about not being.”

Thanks to Linnea, Chloe, Stuart and Eliza for sharing their experiences. We hope this will be an ongoing conversation. If you’d like to tell us about your experience of coming out at work, find us on Instagram @sh24_nhs. We’d love to hear from you.

published first on https://spanishflyhealth.blogspot.com/

[paige-knorr]

Loneliness

I love being alone. Loooooove it. I am also deeply, deeply lonely, which is currently complicating being alone and being with people and it’s kind of a trip.

No matter how strong our support systems, I think it likely everyone will experience periods of loneliness in their lives, be that due to a temporary deficit of close interpersonal relationships, mental health issues skewing our perceptions of the ones we do have, and situational factors preventing us from connecting regularly or deeply with our people. Or, say, a global pandemic totally shredding all your social routines and ability to see more than a couple people in person. 

That’s not to downplay loneliness. Just because it’s a normal human experience doesn’t make it any less emotionally fraught or terrifying to deal with. And given the pandemic, loneliness is a big fucking deal for a lot of people right now.  Loneliness is too fundamental to human-ness to logic one’s way out of — we’re wired for connection and all our systems let us know when that connection is lacking.

Loneliness is often a cue to take steps to try to bolster some of our social networks, to put a bit more time and effort into connecting with people, to consider how relationships and people-time fit into our lives. The feeling of loneliness has utility, and while there’s lots that we can’t control (pandemic restricting some avenues; other peoples’ schedules/needs/ priorities not lining up with our own) or that complicates this (anxiety taking it and running with it; our own energy levels or recovery needs reducing our in-an-ideal-world amount of connection time), we can at least see it as useful information.

But when loneliness goes bad… Oooof. When loneliness grows fuzz like that chili you forgot about on the bottom shelf, or a cucumber that hid itself to liquefaction in a drawer, you’ve got a whole ‘nother problem.

Loneliness loves to wallow. It feeds on self-pity, on envying the connections you see and imagine in everyone out there except you, on its self-perpetuating chemical reaction of judging you and all your actions.

I’ve been talking about this a LOT with my therapist lately. I don’t have any answers for any of this shit, but getting some words down and sharing them with others who might also see something of themselves has served me well in the past. So here’s a little bit about the moldy Tupperware beast of loneliness I’m currently trying to turn back into a useful information-feeling so I can exist alongside it without that awful smell.

Loneliness scares me a lot. Not just because of the threats it makes about how I’m going to die alone, but because what if I’m not strong enough to face it? What if it consumes me? What if beholding its face makes me hate myself, when I have gotten so good at loving myself so much? Does acknowledging the loneliness feed it, too? Does that give it more power over me, to name it? If I ignore it, will it shrink back into a manageable shape and size?

But nope, to that last one. Ignoring it, touching it tentatively from a distance, has fed the self-pitying thing. It’s let it spread itself to other things in my fridge, and it’s taking up a whole lot of room and attention. 

Loneliness gone bad drives the cadence of my days, becomes the black hole around which everything orbits, becomes the defining feature of my existence and the goal behind any action I take. Loneliness, not the fulsome extent of Paige-the-human, is driving the show and I feel like a sad passenger complaining about the route we’re taking but unable to do anything about it. (I guess we’re switching metaphors from rotten chili, here.)

It also makes connecting with people outside my inner circle feel extra risky or challenging, like they will notice I’m lonely and judge not just me but my people; or off-limits like I’m not allowed to connect with people with whom I have more casual relationships, because the ROI there is lower and loneliness wants the biggest bang for its buck if it’s gonna let me put out any effort.

One of the most infuriating things about this is the way it ruins my alone time. I’m a introvert, I spend a lot of time reading or cooking or playing video games or just puttering around my own space alone, and I love all of that so much. But loneliness steals the joy from those things. It gets judgmental as all hell, tells me that to do these things I like is pathetic and pointless. It catapults itself into my consciousness to scream and shout that because my current levels of social connection are objectively lower than I would like (the useful information part), then I don’t deserve to enjoy my time alone.

I’m sure there’s some aspect of our broader cultural stigma around loneliness that is affecting its power over me, too. We think lonely people are desperate and pathetic and sad. Other people can smell it on you when the loneliness has gone bad, when you’re so starved for connection that you can’t think about anything else. And socially we really look down on that, see it as a weakness or a failing in the mainstream narrative.

When loneliness has gone bad like this, connecting becomes not about the connection itself, but about staving off the loneliness. It takes away the joy from the connecting, just as it takes away the joy from the alone times. It makes connection feel precarious and like something you need to tiptoe around in case it disappears. 

It turns connecting with another human into an act of “fixing” loneliness, on both peoples’ parts. It turns spending time with you into a chore, or makes it uncomfortable for them to emotionally engage with. And all of that is fucking miserable for everyone involved.

I am not unconscious of these things happening, and the ways loneliness gone bad runs the show. It’s all patently antithetical to how I want to do relationships. But I also often feel powerless to do anything about it, or like my attempts to get around loneliness just give it more fodder. I do some really annoying shit when I’m letting loneliness make the decisions, and trust me, I hate it too!

But I’ve felt that way before. Anxiety, 6 or 7 years ago, felt just as insurmountable. Depression, in varying cycles, too. Shame, a couple years ago. All of which I feel like I have great tools for managing when they crop up, now. They’re still hard and still have effects, but rarely feel like they completely take over and drive my decisions in ways they used to. And when I feel like they might consume me that feeling lasts fewer days and I can notice it happening. That’s where I want to get to with loneliness.

I think part of it might require me to acknowledge that loneliness, the ugliness of it, the uncomfortable realities of it, the very genuine pain that I don’t want to downplay but don’t want to give in to either. I don’t know what comes after that, how I’m going to manage to set boundaries around loneliness and make it sit in the back seat while I drive.

But I gotta, somehow. Connecting with people IS my biggest priority in life, not because loneliness says so but because me, Paige, thinks that’s the best use of my time, and I want to do that in ways that feel good and don’t revolve around loneliness.

[crimethinc]

Charlottesville and the Rise of Fascism in the USA: What We Need to Do

On Friday, August 11, a wide range of far-right groups from around the US gathered in Charlottesville, Virginia for a march the night before their “Unite the Right” rally. Hundreds of them carrying lit torches paraded across the town with very little visible police presence. The streets were largely empty, thanks to a request from Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe. When the march arrived at a Confederate statue ringed by a few dozen counterprotesters, the men with torches surrounded it and attacked them.

Fascists attacking counterdemonstrators in Charlottesville. This is what they will do to you, too, unless we stop them together.

Until now, some of the participants have been coy about their politics. Now that they have all joined in explicitly fascist chants like “blood and soil” while many of them raised their arms in the Nazi salute, it is clear that all of them—the so-called Alt Right, the Proud Boys, and all the militiamen and Oathkeepers and basement-dwelling trolls who keep them company—are openly endorsing fascism. They aim to create a situation in which they can terrorize and murder with impunity in order to create an even more white supremacist, even more totalitarian state.

With this march in Charlottesville, the far right has crossed a threshold. Until now, they appeared to be a motley array of online groups, most of which lacked the courage to identify unironically with fascism. Today, they have arrived as a social movement that can pull together hundreds of people to carry out organized acts of violence while the police look on. They hope to weaponize the ignorance and insecurity of the precarious white working class to trick poor white people into serving once again as cannon fodder for their own oppressors.

But it’s not too late—not yet, anyway. The fascists are coming to prominence before they have the numbers or legitimacy in the public eye that they need to defend their new position. If we act swiftly and decisively—giving them neither legitimacy nor quarter—there is still time to stop them before they move the clock from 2017 to 1933.

Remember last November, when Donald Trump was elected and it seemed like the entire US was about to veer into a far-right dictatorship? While liberals were immobilized by shock, anarchists immediately went on the offensive in order to destabilize the Trump regime before everyone got accustomed to a new level of tyranny. We recognized that the far right had come to power too early, before they could build a broad consensus in favor of their agenda, and that this put them in a vulnerable position. By acting decisively against the inauguration and the Muslim ban, we helped to show that there could be no business or politics as usual under Trump, and this created fractures within the halls of power.

If not for these immediate, massive expressions of defiance, judges might not have dared to block the Muslim ban, or White House employees to leak information. Imagine the US right now if Trump were ruling with the full apparatus of the state united behind him! Instead, today, the US government seems more dysfunctional than ever. That may explain why Trump is threatening war to shore up his position, while fascists are no longer counting on his government to carry out their agenda under cover of normalcy.

Now we have to use the same strategy to forestall the threat of a new widespread fascist movement in the US. We have to respond immediately, cutting its oxygen supply and blocking its growth. But how do we do that?

The aspiring shock troops of a new barefaced totalitarianism.

What We Have to Do

First, we can’t accord fascists any legitimacy. One network described them as “white activists” last night. Such euphemisms are inappropriate for people giving the Nazi salute. It must be clear to everyone that they are not attempting to participate in a dialogue, but rather seeking to start a war.

By the same token, we must not look to the police or any other aspect of the state for deliverance. The complicity of the police in supporting one fascist undertaking after another is well-established by now. Besides, anything the state does against the far right, we can be sure it will do to us twice as hard. It would be a mistake to give anyone the impression that state intervention could solve this problem without creating even bigger problems. If history is any guide, whatever power the state is accorded will eventually end up in the hands of fascists.

We also can’t defer to authorities like Governor McAuliffe when they tell us to respond to the situation by hiding indoors. In effect, this means ceding the streets to the fascists, in which to do whatever they want to whomever is still out there. Recommending this strategy makes Governor McAuliffe complicit in the rise of fascism. Sticking our heads in the sand will not make this situation go away.

Likewise, it won’t help to gather in churches, as some did in Charlottesville last night, congratulating ourselves on how nonviolent we are while fascists patrol the streets. Last night, when the church locked its doors, many were trapped outside, dramatically outnumbered. This kind of behavior is also complicity.

It’s essential to build fighting formations capable of facing down far-right violence. Fascists love to portray themselves as victims in order to claim the right to do violence to others; their entire narrative is built around the contradiction that they are simultaneously master race and underdog, victorious and persecuted. They treat any resistance to their program as an affront to their dignity and a violation of their safe space. Nonetheless, we have to be able to stop them in their streets, because they are in the business of purveying revenge fantasies. Any footage they can record of successful attacks, however cowardly, will help them recruit from their base of bullies and sadists. Because of this, it is preferable not to enter into conflict with them except when fully prepared—but at all costs, we must not let them attain control of the streets.

Most of this is not a matter of physical confrontation. We need people to put up posters; we need people to hand out handbills, and form local organizations, and coordinate neighborhood response teams. We need to organize legal support for those arrested fighting fascists and institutions like the US border that are already accomplishing their stated goals. We need people to infiltrate their groups; we need to set up fake online accounts with which to monitor them or spread disinformation and strife. We need to identify the fault lines along which their alliances can be split, and open gulfs between them and the rest of the right wing. One can do a great deal to fight fascism without ever entering a gym.

Above all, we have to popularize another set of values, so that the cheap victim narratives and fantasies of authority that fascists offer can gain no traction among the general public. We have to show how fulfilling it is to treat each other as equals, rather than serving simultaneously as a peon and a petty tyrant in a chain of command. We have to distinguish true self-determination from supposed self-determination for “nations” or “peoples,” which always boils down to being bossed around by someone of your own ethnicity or religion. We have to foster a sense of self-worth that is not based in membership in invented categories, but in our personal relationships and values and accomplishments.

In the growing popularity of fascism, we can see the failure of guilt-based liberal anti-racism and anti-sexism. Mere privilege politics have failed us; we have to show what everyone stands to gain from the abolition of whiteness and patriarchy, and to present this as a positive program rather than as nothing more than the elimination of unfair advantages. However unfair an advantage is, someone is bound to want to keep it—we have to convey that there’s nothing whiteness or male domination can offer that is worth having in the first place, compared to the genuine intimacy and care that are possible when we approach each other as equals, without borders or abstract criteria of belonging.

This is the opposite of pandering to the supposed ignorance or self-interest of “the white working class,” as if that were a single entity. On the contrary, it means appealing to what is wisest and most honorable in all people.

Anarchism is one of the most thoroughgoing forms of opposition to fascism, in that it entails opposition to hierarchy itself. Virtually every framework that countenances hierarchy, be it democracy or “national liberation,” enables old power imbalances like white supremacy and patriarchy to remain in place, hidden within the legitimacy of the prevailing structures. Under democracy, white supremacy has not disappeared; it has just disguised itself. If we want to be done with fascism once and for all, we have to cut to the root of things.

In that regard, we can see the struggle ahead of us as an opportunity to challenge everything about our society and ourselves, not just the violence of a radical fringe group. As society polarizes and things escalate, we should not simply be drawn into a violent grudge match with our opposite numbers on the far right, but look for escape hatches through which all humanity might escape from this long nightmare.

[transhumanitynet]

Spielberg’s “Ready Player One”, Social Justice, & Transhumanism

Steven Spielberg’s new blockbuster, “Ready Player One” (RP1) is a return to form which trades on around a million (very knowing) 1980s pop-culture references, while also managing to connect those references to a larger narrative about future society and how it should best be managed. You can find a full description of the film’s plot here.

What’s in a Game?

The essential logic underlying RP1 is that games matter. Events and entities within games may be fictional, but they can have consequences serious enough to raise the question: In what senses can fictions also be realities? That, of course, is a theme which I have covered from multiple angles, in TNET articles such as this one about gamification, and this one about religious belief.

Within the fictional universe of RP1, the game stakes have risen so high that the second most powerful company in the world devotes much of its resources to solving puzzles in gameworlds developed by the first, in the hope of making a lot of money and winning a controlling stake in that pole-position software company. The real-world stakes of these games naturally leads to real-world social injustice of several particularly brutal varieties.

Technology and Social Justice

It is easy to lampoon the notion of Social Justice when so many so-called “Social Justice Warriors” take the logic too far, undermine its founding principles with their fanaticism, and generally turn the whole thing into a painfully bad joke, easily attacked by other bad-faith players on the political scene. For that and other reasons, many technologists, Futurists and Transhumanists prefer to avoid issues of politics, economics, or societal ethics as much as possible.

At the heart of the matter, however, the intersection of the Futurist worldview and questions of proper social management are critical to the health of our societies, and indeed the survival of Transhumanism… and potentially even of society itself. After all, if Transhumanists and other technologists become complicit in technologically-empowered oppression of the populace, then it cannot be surprising when Transhumanism itself finds itself on the losing side of a war with a large number of very angry people. People who have lost everything, including any reasonable shot at a future of their own, will not care much about nice words or good intentions.

As is illustrated well in the fictional milieu of RP1, broadly speaking there are two ways to use technology. You can use it to empower and enrich people, or you can use it to exploit and control them. Transhumanism has long adopted the language of the former position, but unless it explicitly works toward social justice as part of the Transhumanist vision (as is found within Social Futurism and Techno-Progressivism), then it will have implicitly taken the latter position. It will have chosen a side – the losing side – and everyone will know it.

A Note on Convergence: Where have all the AI gone?

As a relevant aside, it is worth noting something interesting about RP1 and other recent science fiction movies. Almost all such movies pick a ‘technology of interest’ such as Virtual Reality (in the case of RP1), Artificial Intelligence or nanotechnology (as in, among others, Transcendence), and ignore most or all other technologies which could (and would) complicate the situation. This is a necessity of script writing and the need to retain narrative coherence, of course. In many cases, potentially complicating technologies are simply not anywhere to be seen in the fictional worlds presented on screen.

As any true Transhumanist and indeed every Singularitarian knows, technological convergence is critical. Convergence and acceleration, together, are the reason why a Technological Singularity is thought to be unpredictable by mere mortals. Human beings simply cannot know what evolutionary interactions might occur between different technologies over what is effectively a twenty thousand year span, at the rate of technological development circa 2000 CE.

Ready Player One is a great movie, lots of fun, especially if you love gaming, light-hearted sci-fi, or 80s references. Like the novel it is based on, it boldly illustrates the potential real-world importance of games and fictional constructs. The movie also highlights the question of social justice, with a particular emphasis on our responsibility to use technology to reduce injustice, not to make it worse. Perhaps most interestingly, the movie does not take into account the importance of acceleration, convergence, and unpredictability… which together act as a catalyst making the film’s central message all the more important: That play is life, and it can help us surf life’s challenges and surprises.

*This article accompanies the TNET FRAME piece “Ready Player One: AR Gaming meets Transhumanism”.

Spielberg’s “Ready Player One”, Social Justice, & Transhumanism was originally published on transhumanity.net

#AI #AR Gaming #nanotechnology #Ready Player One #Singularitarianism #Social Futurism #Social Justice #Techno-Progressivism #Technological Singularity #transhumanism #VR #crosspost #transhuman #transhumanitynet #transhumanist #thetranshumanity

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The Making of Maledicti

My most recent story on Amazon is Maledicti, a short story that invokes a local legend about a real historical figure. If you haven't read the story and really want to, everything that comes after this point will be a spoiler. You can get the book here.

This story really hit me like a flash, the idea came together quickly once I had read about the legend. My brain had started on one of its random journeys, pondering the fate of Pontius Pilate as the Easter holiday quickly approached. I must confess, as a person that has attended church most of my life, I always found Pilate to be a sympathetic figure, driven by political forces to do something that he thought was wrong.

The part that always gets a little hazy when reading the gospel retelling of the story is the fact that the Jews were not politically capable of executing someone in Roman fashion, by crucifixion. In fact, they would have been hard-pressed to execute anyone without the Romans intervening. The area at the time was simply too volatile, and they did not have the autonomy to summarily execute Jesus. Doing so would have essentially been murder in the eyes of almost everyone.

The religious authorities needed complicity from Pilate in order to have Jesus executed by the Romans. Pilate did his part to play along, and I'm always left to wonder whether some of his actions were stage acting, specifically his "protests" against executing Jesus. The bottom line is that Jesus was crucified on his authority alone. He ordered it to be so, whether or not he claimed it was under duress.

And that brings me to where I was the other day, pondering what happened to Pilate after the fact. I turned to Wikipedia, which offers surprisingly little in substance about Pilate's life. It focuses mainly on whether he actually existed and governed. It eventually makes a small offering that no one is really sure about what happened to him.

The mountain in Switzerland is clearly named after him, as one of the places that may be his final resting place. And there is a local legend that his spirit attempts to wash its hands each Good Friday, a reference to Pilate's act declaring himself innocent of Jesus' death recounted in the Bible where he publicly washes his hands. His agenda for doing this is only clearly known by Pilate himself. 

Contemporary accounts of Pilate's time ruling the Holy Land portray him as a man who was culturally insensitive at best and downright antagonistic at worst toward the Jews. My personal opinion, and the basis for most of my story, is that God punished him not for fulfilling his role in the Easter narrative, but for pretending like he had nothing to do with it.

As I started to think about this legend and how it might manifest itself, I started to imagine a tortured spirit who only realized after death what he had done. Since I did not read any explicit account of the legend or its origins (something I was actually careful to avoid), I felt free to offer this interpretation. I also consider that the punishment might not be from God but from Satan, furious with a man who could have changed religion forever but instead followed his own personal agenda during the events leading up to Jesus' death. It's not much of a stretch to say that neither could be all that pleased with him.

But then I thought about placing this tale in the modern world. I tried to imagine who would go looking for him based on this legend, and what type of person might actually encounter him. Reality shows about the supernatural always tend to make me laugh, so much can happen during the production of these shows to edit in sounds and images that they truly cannot be believed in my mind. So that was out as a vehicle, though it could have been interesting to write it that way. I could imagine the producers thinking "we're going to make this ambiguous on purpose", then getting the shock of their lives when he actually does show up. I chose to go in a different direction in the end, mostly for the sake of length of the story. I would have had to write a lot of backstory, introduce more characters and give them things to do, before getting to the meat of the story, the legend itself. For that reason, I chose to make it about an American ecotourist. 

My choice for a female protagonist was largely based on the idea that the situation might present a little more danger to an otherwise idealistic coed. Yes, it is stereotypical, but there is a reality that the young tend to not think about the perils of things such as traveling alone in a foreign country. Encountering a murderer in the woods just seemed like a better fit for a female lead, given my planned interactions between the spirit and the main character.

I wanted to implement the modern into the story by incorporating the idea of shooting cell phone video, something that surely would happen if this situation were to play out in real life. Even in situations of danger, people take videos of it. It could cost them their life, or someone else's life, but if it doesn't, internet fame awaits. I feel like this attitude is pervasive in today's society. Personally, I don't think I would take video of it if I really thought I was witnessing the aftermath of a murder, but I think I'm in the minority.

One of the challenges I faced in writing this, however, was the decision to keep Pilate in character and not break into English. I don't know Latin, and I was pretty much forced to trust that Google Translation did a good job on what he was saying. It was a tough choice to leave out the translations for what he said from the story, but two things kept from doing so.

First was the idea that if the main character knew what he was saying, she might have figured out who he was. That would have spoiled the tension in the story and the surprise ending. I needed to convey that the main character toiled in ignorance throughout the encounter, and leaving Pilate's words in Latin was part of painting that picture.

The second thing was semantics. I had no real mechanism for why Pilate would know English or why the main character would know Latin, at least in a spoken form. I could have (and did contemplate) the idea that she was Catholic, but they haven't done masses in Latin for quite awhile now, so that was a stretch. Pilate could have picked up English, I suppose, but I feel like spirits are not particularly capable of learning things, otherwise they would be able to atone and break the cycle. The bottom line is that this would have taken me down a rabbit hole that would have detracted from the story.

In the end, I decided to leave the reader in the shoes of the main character, only able to try to infer the words from body language. While Pilate says things like "blood" or "hands", he also asks for help and says that it isn't his fault. This is part of the curse, that he cannot be helped or absolved by anyone in contemporary age, he speaks a language that essentially died a long time ago.

Once I got through that, I had to figure out how to wrap it all up. It did seem a bit contrived to have a local give out the information, but I didn't feel like I had many options given the narrative up to that point, so my readers probably saw that one coming. I figured most readers wouldn't have known the actual legend, and at least found the ending modestly surprising.

One of the things that I like to do in my writing is clearly reflected in the way I ended the story. I like to let my readers imagine out what comes next. In this case, I hoped to evoke a reaction of "what if that happened to me?" or something alone those lines. I felt like spelling out her reaction to the explanation would deaden its impact, so I chose to leave the story right in that spot. In this era of sequels, prequels and reboots, it probably makes sense to leave open the door and not tell all of the story, but I really wasn't angling for that. I wanted the reader to imagine the rest of the story.

All in all, I felt that it made a nice little stand-alone short. I really enjoy this genre for a host of different reasons, I think the most appealing is being able to see a story through from beginning to end given my constraints on how often I get to write creatively. 

I hope you enjoyed the story and liked getting some of the insights into what went into it.

#msmiller