#and i was like 'okay no more posting on this website'

[elismor]

I see a lot of posts going by about comments and kudos and hits and...well... I've been thinking about the three quite a lot lately--as both a fic author and someone who spends a lot of my professional life looking at web metrics and determining which are actually important/accurate measures of user engagement.

Mileage varies, of course. And this is all just MY opinion, so do feel free to ignore it wholesale.

What I think when I see someone say that sorting by a hits to to kudos ratio is a good way to find "good" fic:

Hits are a measure of quantity (how many times your story or art has been viewed), but without knowing how AO3 defines a hit, it's actually kind of a meaningless number.  We know that our own views of our work do not count toward hits, but...if my BFF looks at my story 7 times in one day because she keeps trying to read it but getting interrupted...is that one hit, or seven? And if it's seven, then the numbers are artificially inflated because it's really just Bestie trying to get her Codex fix. And...if Bestie looks at it three times today and four tomorrow...is that 7 hits total, or two? 

Some transparency on the part of AO3 could clear this up handily, but until we get that...shrug. All it is is a number that may or may not be an accurate reflection of how many actual people looked at the page your fic is on.  Did they READ it? Or did they nope out?  No way to know.

Kudos are intended to be slightly more qualitative, but there is no way of knowing why the reader gave them. (Similar to likes here on tumblr.) It might be that they loved the piece. It might be a simple acknowledgement that the reader was there. It might even be a pity kudo. We have no way of knowing. It's, again, just a number.

Obviously, everyone is free to interpret both hits and kudos as positive reaction/interaction. I might do that myself if I didn't spend my workdays explaining to people that 50,000 "hits" to the website could be 50K people who came to learn about us or...simply the result of the computer labs on campus having the university homepage set to default.

Bigger numbers are just that....bigger numbers.

Comments are the only objective way to judge how someone is reacting to your fic or art.

So, what then? Sort by number of comments?

You can do that, sure. (I think. I confess I have never once gotten the AO3 search to work as well as people rave about.) But do keep in mind that many authors answer their comments. So, something with, say, 20 comments may be 20 people telling the author they loved it. Or it might be ten people and ten author-replies. OR, it might be three people having a conversation in the comments. You have to look and see.  

Bigger numbers are just bigger numbers.

Okay, fine Elis. What am I supposed to do then?

Look, I'm not your mother or your therapist and you are free to assign whatever meanings you like to these things. I, personally, find "good" fic through a combination of things including: recs, the fandom grapevine, dumb luck, events, and just...reading some of it and not feeling guilty if I nope out for some reason.

This all sounds a little depressing when laid out like this, huh? Especially when you take into account the downward trends in interacting and the rise of folks treating fic and art as content to be consumed. 

Here's what I have learned from writing fic for 30 years (well, 28 and counting):

As an author (and an artist, I would presume), you have absolutely no way of predicting which of your work will land and take hold and which will not. It's alchemy and luck and the weird (and not actual) algorithm of fandom. Sometimes, the piece you whipped out in 30 minutes and posted on the fly will land in the right person's inbox and they will share it and their friends will share it and it will get big.  Sometimes, the piece you slaved over for weeks and weeks will do that...sometimes it won't.  Sometimes your genius manifests and resonates, sometimes it does not.

My personal favorite fic of my own--the one I think is probably the best thing I have done in SW fandom-- has like 8 kudos and 4 comments (2 of which are my responses). Is it disappointing? Yes. Is it an indication that the fic is objectively "bad"? No.

The mercenary in me suggests that if you want to get lots of comments and kudos, you should pick the pairing that is THE pairing in the fandom and write for that--because that's where the eyeballs are, because that's where the connections are.  But that is not why I write, so it's just that--a very mercenary way of looking at things. Not that there is anything WRONG with doing it that way. Supply and demand run the world. If the people want Codywan and you want the people....give them Codywan. No shame in that.

And there is no shame in wanting or seeking validation for your work, either.

But it breaks my heart to see authors (and artists) give up on themselves when they do not receive piles of kudos and comments. It's not you. It's...the luck of the draw. It's...fandom. It's...an artificial and murky set of measurements that have almost no basis in anything meaningful.

Keep writing. Keep drawing. Keep sharing. You are what you make, not how people respond to it.

#let's talk about fic baby #fandom #kudos and comments

[skitskatdacat63]

2009 Reference Guide to Seb's Hair(Long post w lots of pics):

I would rate these but I love every version of him too much so I cannot pick 🤭, I'll add some commentary though. This took a horrible amount of time but it was also a great excuse to download and show off a truly terrible amnt of Seb pics(I was in tears half the time bcs of cuteness agression)

0. Testing(Jerez)(February 10th-12th):

Honestly such perfect Seb hair, I find this soooo cute!!! His hair is honestly always so perfect at Jerez testing every season. I love the length and style, he looks so incredibly pretty <3

1. Australia(March 26th-29th):

And now he is...bald. I actually kinda love this hair, he's my little kiwi fruit!! But I also can't help but mourn the Jerez hair. I'm just like: why did you feel the need to go bald, Seb??? It makes him look so young!

2. Malaysia(April 2nd-5th):

3. China(April 16th-19th):

I think the highlight of his bald era is how much he embodies the nickname "sunshine." Like the way his hair and eylashes glow in the sun??? Literally sunshine. Also it's cute to see his hair grow more fluffy

4. Bahrain(April 23rd-26th):

The texture differences are so interesting, I think this length looks its best when it's more fluffy like in the top right pic.

5. Spain(May 7th-10th):

It's funny how his hairline does that point in the middle, again: looks better when he looks unkempt

6. Monaco(May 21st-24th):

Weirdly shocked at how much his hair grew in-between Spain and Monaco??? Also I forgot that those fashion pics were from this weekend, and I was jumpscared by his mohawk look. I think he should keep away from hair product hahaha

7. Turkey(June 4th-7th):

Lego hair looking ass. Kidding kidding, just think his hair looks best all natural

8. Silverstone(June 18th-21st):

Lowkey kinda baffling to me how different his hair looks at different stages of the weekend. The podium hair especially is just soooo different, its very cute but yeah idk

9. Germany(July 9th-12th):

I did not realize he cut his hair again during this season?? Seeing these was very surprising to me, I had thought he grew it out for the entire season but I guess not! But I guess if he hadn't gotten a haircut the entire season, he'd probably have his angelic curls of 2010 by the end

10. Hungary(July 23rd-26th):

Kinda love the looks he was serving this weekend, it's just very spikey and cute(also the cunty sunglasses!!

11. Valencia(August 20th-23rd):

12. Belgium(August 27th-30th):

That garage lighting makes his hair look soooo much more yellow rather than his fair blond in the sunlight

13. Italy(September 10th-13th):

This transitional growing period is not my fav, just the way his hair sweeps in is funny

14. Singapore(September 24th-27th):

Looking particularly blond this weekend!! His hair is just very light and pretty

15. Japan(October 1st-4th):

I think most of these are from post-quali and for good reason; I love the way it looks like he has highlights in all the bottom pics

16. Brazil(October 15th-18th):

I love his scruffiness from this weekend!!! The scruffy stubble is sooooooo!!!

17. Abu Dhabi(October 29th-November 1st):

Pretty cute I think but yeah like nothing can really compete with his hair length in 2010 for me so I look at these and I'm like, ooooo growing longer!!

Conclusion: I think it's fun to get to see the process of someone's hair growing out. I've noticed that a lot of men with short hair get very consistent haircuts to keep their hair generally the same length, and I think that's so boring!! I think it's great to grow out your hair for a few months time because you get to see yourself at all the different stages and experiment with all kinds of different looks! So yeah, props to Seb for serving all kinds of looks this season!!

Also it's always interesting to me how much hair length/style and facial hair can change a person's look, but particularly how old/young they look. Like when he shaved his his head, it made him look so young. But in Brazil for example, with the longer hair and scruffy facial hair, he def looks older!

And of course, let me know which you like the best :D My favorite is Jerez <3

#i need a tag for posts like these which is just: #normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion(not deranged) #this is mainly just ref for me #and for people like me who feel the urge to be ultra specific in everything they create #hope this was interesting for people who are not just me!! #i love how I originally foolishy tried to make this in one night. so naive..... #okay anyways posts i wanna make in this same vein: #more seb hair guides obv(guys idk if you knew but im very normal abt his hair) #id like to try and categorize all his 2009 and 2010(and before) helmets since theyre not on his website and i love them a lot #this would take a horrendous amnt of time but id love to try and make a guide of all nando's facial hair(hes had so many wild ones okay) #and then i wanna rate all the rbr race suits bcs i think about them *so often* and i have many thoughts #sebastian vettel #sv5 #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #catie.rambling.txt #we do a little bit of f1 #normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion

[adreamoverlife]

Is this a safe place to admit I don’t really like the way Castiel is often talked about in relation to destiel or will I be crucified for the second time

#listen okay #I get it I get it destiel website #but #I really hate the way Dean is often used as the ONLY bit of free will Cas has #and that Cas ’belongs’ to Dean #I like can’t stand it #especially when Sam is often used as the butt of the joke as being lesser to Dean #like Cas did rebel before Dean multiple times #he really WAS in love with humanity!!! #and making his character solely about Dean removes a lot of the things that make him interesting to me #this kinda goes hand in hand with the way Dean feels more…. centered in the later seasons?? #ill probably make another post detailing this but #I don’t hate Dean or anything but there’s certain things I find very strange in later seasons is all #and by strange I mean I wanna put all the supernatural writers into a box and shake them around a lot #Castiel #spn

[lesbiansanemi]

I hate self proclaimed “queer theorists” on this stupid fucking website because 90% of their posts are like “All lesbians are terfs because gender can change which makes sexuality obsolete so that means lesbians automatically hate trans ppl <3 What about gay men you ask? No, it’s different, don’t ask me to elaborate <3 Haha I love trans women so much *insert most insane transmisogynistic take three lines down* And this is all real and true because I am a boygirl fagdyke and I said it is !!!!! Btw if you argue or point out any flaws here it’s because you’re an awful evil gate keeping exclusionist >:( Peace and love go firebomb a Walmart” and then somehow the post has 563782922992737228 reblogs of ppl agreeing

#also if you look at their blogs you can usually scroll for less than five minutes before finding something racist too #and something aphobic #I need to stop venturing into tags jfc I cannot take this stupid fucking website anymore #you’re all like ‘yayyyyy gay ppl! trans love!!!!! not lesbians tho 😡’ #and then think installing shinigami eyes is the best thing you can ever do for trans women #I hate it here #sorry tried going into some tags to try and find more ppl to follow cuz my dash has been kinda dead #and stumbled a post that was like ‘it’s perfectly valid and okay to be DISGUSTED by lesbians btw <33333’ #and I lost my mind #kaz rambles

[fluentisonus]

Ivory Hand With Gold Bracelets Delphi, mid 6th century BC Probably belonging to a chryselephantine statue of Artemis, the head of which was found at the same site along with several other fragmentary statues, including one of Apollo. Likely damaged in a fire and subsequently buried sometime in the mid 5th century BC. Archaeological Museum of Delphi

#okay this is hastily written bc I'm in the middle of smth so sorry if it's phrased badly but I couldn't find it already posted on here so! #love this one bc it looks idk. like it looks like bone!! which it is! but it gives is a particularly intense look #esp it being only an arm #like it's weirdly more human that way somehow #thoughts #the actual faces & thinks are in that link btw #they're very neat although I have to say I'm not a huge fan of the museum website.

[ryan1014n2]

A fun little “study” of sorts that I did with Skarloey. Painted over Talyllyn.

("No.1 'Talyllyn' at Tywyn" by Peter G Trimming is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

#I have been obsessively browsing flickr for train pics #okay there's actually QUITE A FEW more pics like this on the CC website that I might do in the future #ttte skarloey #my doodles #? #my post

[welcometogrouchland]

Stories abt teenage girls who are unabashedly cringey but still treated seriously as the hero of their stories and given depth and nuance by the narrative I am kissing you on the mouth

#ramblings of a lunatic #this post was inspired by ppl talking abt how lumity is literally a couple comprised of two teenage nd girls #who write like fanfic abt their favourite shitty ya series together. #and how it doesn't make a big deal out of it like. this is just how gay little teenage girls behave #and they're so true and correct but thinking abt luz got me thinking abt my childhood love of the first vol of ms marvel #(i never read past the first cause i pirated it off janky websites as an 11 yr old jdbsjfn( #and literally they come out the gate in that series with kamala as the epitome of a cringey fandom obsessed teen girl #and then they go all in on still letting her be a hero without sacrificing those traits #I'm forgetting other examples of stories w/ this rn (turning red comes to mind??) #and I know these are all series targeted at like a teen girl audience but a) i am a teen girl and b) bitch they need it. badly! #no more being 'that girl'! embrace the urge to be weird and off putting but happy! and still be given depth and love by the narrative! #(also. fellow audio drama enjoyers. antigne fun is just a toned down 35 yr old version of this. y/n?) #(also i took some letters out of her name in the hope that keeps it from showing up in tags cause while this feels okay to post- #-in the tags of the other examples mentioned i felt a bit bad abt putting it in the wo tag lol) #anyway yeah. literally this genre is braver than any us marine

[lacomandante]

Also I forgot to update: last Sunday I got Sharpe's Command (thank you Amazon Spain) and I just want to say. Bernard Cornwell sometimes you are the bane of my existence but I lost my MIND reading this book. I couldn't put it down and screamed at Sam as I read ahead bc CORNDOG GAVE US SO MUCH TERESA AND TERESA/SHARPE STUFF. SO MUCH. TERESA GETS HER DAY IN THE SUN AND I HAD TO REFRAIN FROM SCREAMING W/ ASSUMPTA RIGHT NEXT TO ME WHILE I READ. Literally this book is SO FUCKING GOOD for both teresa/sharpe content AND teresa content I am SO happy with it, and it absolutely was worth the wait. Every time he could've done something disappointing he didn't and i kicked my feet and twirled my hair and rolled around on the couch as I read it and ooughhhhhhhh it's now my favorite Sharpe book EVER!!!!!!!!!! TERESA MORENO MY BELOVED SHE GOT SO MUCH STUFF IN THIS BOOK....THANK U FOR MY LIFE CORNDOG

#;ooc #(i wont post spoilers here yet for a while but AAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) #(I put SO many fucking sticky tabs in it to highlight my favorite parts) #(THEYRE SO CUTE THEY HAVE SO MANY CUTE INTERACTIONS) #(SHARPE LOVES HIS WIFE SM IN THIS BOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!) #(AND TERESA LOVES HIM TOO ;WWWW;) #(there's a fantastic scene that made my heart SWOON AND I CANT TALK ABOUT IT) #(SAM HURRY UP AND READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) #(I want to scream about it there's so many good teresa scenes. one is so fucking funny) #(she is so smart and cunning and GOOD and there was like. one part that made me go hmmm but its forgivable) #(okay small spoiler for one of my favorite parts: teresa + 🧱) #(ALSO THE END IS THE PART OF THE ENTIRE BOOK) #(ITS MY FAVORITE SCENE EVER FOR TERESA) #(i couldnt believe he gave her so much. corndog took my question to him seriously when i messaged him on his website) #(me: mr cornwell sir can we plz have more partisan teresa :(( we never see her be a partisan much at all in the books) #(corndog: you Know What Kiran i will make this book Just for You) #(now its 1am and im fucking feral about this book)

[bitegore]

ao3: runs a donation drive

random people on the internet i've never heard of and who definitely do not provide a free service i use regularly: oh my god everyone who donated to ao3 owes me money, I deserve it more than the [libel] [bullshit fearmongering] [misuse of legal term] website!!!! these gross cumbrain fandom losers are taking money away from me personally!

#i don't donate to ao3 most of the time anyway because i don't have the spare cash to for the most part #i do not have a job #but like lmao every time i see one of those posts #that's like 'oh my god ao3 made money because people like the service it provides. i am a random blogger online' #'how dare you donate to the Ch*ld R*pe *ncest website and not to me. a stranger who you don't know but who hates you personally' #i go 'okay so now i want to take any money i woulda maybe considered giving to you and give it to ao3 instead' #at least ao3 isn't running around pretending that donating to individuals and donating to organizations that provide services are the same #i have some people id donate money to because i'd rather my money go to people wholl be able to appreciate it than services who will get #more from others than just me. but like. crucially their posts are like 'if you like what i do' #and not 'i am clearly on par with the website of fiction you read when you're bored so you owe me money'

[chaotictomtom]

this month's rough i might absolutely need to do commissions

#so scary + i immediately get absolutely dog shite at drawing whenever it's a commission #i also can't open commissions for only a few characters i know i'll be comfortable drawing for commissions cos i know i can draw them okay #cos' that's not really how commissions work yknow #duuuude every other week i have this debate in my head it's awfuuuul #i need the money so bad just too much pressuuuuure auuuug #*augh #could try to push through and finish EVERY sketchbook pdfs + the saw and brba pdfs #and hope anyone will be interested :(((((((((( but that's unlikely from how the bear zine and my 1st pdf sketchbook thingy went #aw man #was thinking abt selling prints but isn't that inprint website starting to fuck artists over. by paying them so so late + #aren't they going into bankruptcy and artists should just not get into it and leave it far behind to not get fucked over more #or am i thinking abt another website #same for redbubble deleted my acc way back when they fucked us over once more #aoouuugh i dunno what to do #don't feel like doing a patreon equivalent on kofi cos i already post tons of my drawings on here it wouldn't rlly be more exclusive content #or whatever. so. i dunno #head in hands.

[hershelwidget]

I drew something for TBoCI for the first time in what feels like forever even though it’s only been a month

Something something AU where instead of sending each kid to the Magical Islands FT keeps all them with him and Perry as well so they ALL end up on Cold Island pre-collapse… Alternatively here’s four canon characters and two fanmade characters, guess whos who (all of that was sarcasm)

In other words I decided I will starting this over from the ground-up. It’s been over a year and my motivation is finally, FINALLY back. I will be keeping all of the current stuff on @theballadofcoldisland but that ask blog is officially shut down and is now just an archive.

Instead of being one long and strange story that only focuses on characters that honestly have nothing to do with the title, I will split TBoCI into several smaller stories that give a MUCH better insight on the motivations, groups, and the like. I will inevitably share the original files, drafts, and ideas.

This is the part where I get somewhat emotional and sincere apologies in advance to plushii, who I might mention in there. All good things, my friend. All good things.

I think this is the best course of action. There are a lot of characters in this story that despite being incredibly important, are not addressed properly or not at all until the last chapter that only exists in my notes. I mean… A massive amount of this story has only been discussed in a discord chat with a person I cannot contact anymore. It’s a massive mess of an idea that sounds stupider everytime I think of it.

And then a long while ago now, I was on Pony Town and talking to a friend I has just made. I distinctly remember they were in a Celestial skin. I think at some point they’d asked what “TBoCI” meant in my name, and I explained my story to them. They said they were writing a fanstory for MSM as well. I encouraged them to post it.

Now I daily see wonderful, wonderful content for that story, both from the creator and the fans. I finally understood what I did wrong. TBoCI was incoherent and messy where Fallen Stars was clean and consistent. I had so much in my mind that I had spilled it all out to One Person, and now there exists only two people in the world who know who the hell Kane is (possibly only one person now)!

What I’m trying to say is, in short, thanks @plushii-gutz . There’s a few factors to me being able to write TBoCI again, but you’re definitely the biggest part of that. Our encounter was a blessing.

And to everyone, please look forward to a much smoother ride. This is a fun one.

#*cracks knuckles* here i go embarrassing myself on the embarrassment website again #my singing monsters #the ballad of cold island #fallen stars msm #really surreal seeing those tagged side by side. really surreal #serious post #sorry for how much i speak i really needed to make things clear #first part will be to decide the new protagonist #it fucking. changed each chapter #i think because of how important this character inevitably becomes its gotta be.. #either Ripple or someone in Troupe Bungie or Sammy #Sammy would be a really good protagonist but the ANGST POTENTIAL if a TB member is it is OFF THE CHARTS #and Ripple is. Ripple is the MAIN FACTOR in what ending we get. all good options #i’ll think on that some more. main antagonist ..??? #main antag depends on whos the protag.. if ripple then society/self for the two for one combo #if sammy? felon. if a TB member then that ALSO depends #its kinda like.. against each other but ALSO time itself and/or felon. oh god #ok yeah sammy is def the best option for a general story structure and in every scene possible that hes in. ok? ok #i’ll do more thinkin. love how casual these tags are compared to. *checks notes* #.a comment on whether or not an actual person is alive or dead. *rips notes* oKaY

[wowbright]

Ugh.

#the rules for influencers on strike are not unclear #they're not vague #it's not a huge gray area for fans #the only thing making it seem like a gray area is people posting their whackdoodle interpretations of it #if you really want to understand sag aftra's strike rules #go read them on the website #and if you don't understand what SAG-AFTRA means by the word influencer #go look up the page on their website that explains how and what kind of influencers can become members #but for goodness sakes please stop spreading misinformation #I keep seeing posts claiming to clarify this issue that in fact muddy the waters even more #because the people claiming to make the effort to clarify aren't actually reading the materials published by sag aftra #just stop it stop it please #I've seen multiple people today question whether it's okay to keep writing fanfic or post about a tv show on social media #which is exactly what I said would happen when people started posting that ordinary cosplayers should stop cosplaying as solidarity

[crushed-oranged-angered]

I absolutely love the piano scene because oh my god he’s in love, your honor! But like. The musician in me is like???? How???? Piano strings are still strings, right? They need to be a certain length, weight and tightness to vibrate and create the correct pitch? Maybe? I don’t play piano

On the other hand, absolutely obsessed with how little thought went into this! Show runners were like “yup, Jesper’s powers! Boom! Fixed!” Like yes! Go off! No musician is safe!

#shadow and bone #Six of crows #Every time I see a violin or a cello on tv I cringe #But piano is a little easier to hide that the actor doesn’t know how to play #And it’s more commonly learned #So there are more actors who know how to play it like Jack #Idk just love it #I hope there’s a pianist out there crying just a little #I think my posts on this website make me seem more angry and bitter than I am #I’m like kind of nice and okay I promise

[thethingything]

okay so our mouth is still kinda sore but like... nowhere near as bad as it usually is after dentist appointments???

our jaw is kinda stiff and it's sore where the anaesthetic was injected but that's only really noticeable if we move our face a certain way, and the swelling and soreness on that one bit of gum is barely noticeable now.

I'm used to our whole face being so painful we have to keep taking pain meds for days after and end up struggling to eat solid foods because of our jaw being so bad. I'm used to having to spend like a week recovering. I don't even feel that sick from the anaesthetic but I don't think she ended up having to use that much because it kicked in so fast which never fucking happens with us normally.

I'm kind of convinced our previous dentists really were just shit at their jobs and probably fucking up our teeth more while trying to treat them.

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #our dentist's profile on the website for the clinic said something about her enjoying making anxious patients as comfortable as possible #and like yeah she was not fucking kidding #it's weird because our brain is still like hesitant about trusting medical professionals and for good reason #but she really has just been that nice and understanding #and also I'm realising that her stopping regularly to ask if I'm okay and if I need a break and actually stopping if I need to #has probably made a huge difference in terms of us not having as many issues with medical trauma afterwards #because we were allowed to say we wanted to stop for a bit and knew we'd actually be listened to #and literally just being able to do that makes us feel a lot more in control which makes the whole experience less distressing #also I just processed that she used numbing gel on our gums before injecting the anaesthetic and we've never had a dentist do that before

[fazcinatingblog]

Crying yourself to sleep doesn't work because then you just wake up around 2am, overthinking everything and unable to go back to sleep and

#OKAY I'LL GO #shut up Tumblr #I'll go get a diary and put everything in there #whatever #i don't care #i posted like five fanfics I'm so sorry #hopefully anyone subscribed to my AO3 doesn't receive any emails and instead the AO3 just sends an email to me with 'are you okay' #standard procedure #The alarm going off at AO3 HQ like THIS IS IT GUYS THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR #they're all yelling SHOULD WE SHUT DOWN THE ACCOUNT and WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET AN EMPLOYEE OF SOPHIA ON OUR WEBSITE #we were proud producers of normal sane fanfiction written by well adjusted authors #The red flag was an account made with Faz in the username #more red flags when 60% of their fics contained former AFL player Alex Fasolo #I'm so sorry #I've brought shame on the good name of AO3 #'why can't she just stick to writing about Bailey Smith like a normal person??????'

[readymades2002]

something difficult about writing/storytelling but only in short disconnected bursts is that writing anything longform is very difficult. there isn't as much time to practice long-term character development or subtlety (implying character instead of immediately clarifying) when its not really meant to go anywhere but a notes app. its a little frustrating...i'd love to do something more longform though. i've considered maybe just doing some short writing scenes in my various original universes a lot recently mostly because i just havent had time to draw anything fancy recently </3 maybe that would be something...

#briefly talked about it with a coworker today bc i mentioned my brother makes music #and she got excited because she paints and she showed me some of her work (beautiful btw!!!) #and said she hopes he pursues music and doesnt get his heart crushed by retail like we do #we still make things but ive been thinking about it...it really is like #i feel like ive had less TIME to make things but ive also developed more interest in my own ideas #and in constructing them on their own terms. its hard to describe and even harder to share because its #not churning out fanart for a response i guess? #i dont know. i do feel more satisfied with what im planning but theres less to share #anyway i promised her i'd show her my art sometime so essentially i have to flee the country now #she does lovely work she paints pictures of pets and it seems so nice. she seems so happy with it! #its like...i love it. im a little jealous of it. i feel so much pressure to Do Something New with my art #try to craft scenes and settings (i think setting is such ann important part of storytelling but i have so much trouble drawing it!) #and try new compositions and poses and just not have everything look the same all the time #its led to a lot of work im proud of but its also hard to create under those expectations... #i wish i could find a niche and settle into it comfortably. i think fun character drawings could be that for me #but its...it frustrates me to post those because it feels like if its easy and i like doing it and how it turns out then im not trying #okay i think im done now. sorry for these rambling introspective posts lately lol im #trying to warm back up to posting so i can use this website again (despite how very very bad it is)... #i want to see my frieeeeeends <//////3 i want to be here without running away <///3