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shanastoryteller · 1 year

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Happy Valentine’s Day grandma! There’re too many amazing options, so dealer’s choice?

Spock has an older brother.

He’s a teenager when Spock is born and by the time he’s taking his first cautious steps, he no longer lives at home. Sybok graduates the head of his class and flies through the Science Academy with similar ease and for almost as long as Spock has had memories, Sybok has been talking about his thesis.

It’s topic changes often enough that Spock’s stopped keeping track.

When he’s younger, it would be inaccurate to say that Sybok is around often, but he is around. His brother visits home to pilfer texts from the family library and to have short, tense conversations with their father but he will ask Spock about his studies and always inclines his head to Spock’s mother, something that many Vulcans will not do, so he thinks that means that Sybok loves them.

After he gets into a fight at school, Sybok doesn’t visit anymore.

Spock accepts it as something else that his emotional outburst has cost him and refuses to let the tears fall no matter the pressure building behind his eyes.

Books still disappear and reappear from the library, so he knows that Sybok is still coming over, it’s only when Spock isn’t home. Eventually he starts appearing again, and he still has those horrible tense conversations with their father and nods at his mother, but he no longer lingers to ask Spock about his studies.

The fact that it hurts so much is just a sign that he needs to focus on his control.

When Spock is fifteen, Sybok leaves Vulcan.

He tells himself he doesn’t see his brother often enough for it to matter. It s the truth and yet it feels like a lie.

Spock doesn’t mean to overhear a conversation that isn’t meant for him. But it his mother speaking, and Sybok, and he’s never observed them to exchange anything but greetings and farewells.

“-don’t have to do this. I know you want distance, but-”

“I’ve already tried the other side of the planet,” he says dryly, speaking with an oddly Terran cadence to his words. “The problem is he can still comm me and send his friends to look at me disapprovingly.”

“He’s concerned,” she says.

Sybok laughs. Spock startles, nearly giving himself away, but forces stillness and silence.

“I don’t want to overstep,” his mother says softly, “I know it’s not my place-”

“Amanda, please,” he scoffs. “This is your home, you’re my father’s wife, and you’re my brother’s mother. How can you overstep? You can’t speak freely anywhere else on this planet, of course you can speak freely with me.”

There’s a long silence. Spock wants so badly to peek around the corner, but if he does then they’ll know he’s there.

“He wants you to be happy,” his mother says. “I do too.”

Sybok sighs, but it sounds a lot nicer than his laugh had. “He wants me quiet. It’s bad enough that he’d decided I’m a bad influence on Spock, at this rate he’s doing to decided I’m a bad influence for all of Vulcan and kick me off the planet myself. I’m just speeding up the process.”

Father thinks that Sybok is a bad influence? Why would he –

“That incident was not your fault,” his mother says sharply.

Oh.

“Father was probably right, actually,” he admits. “If I’d been allowed to talk to Spock after, I would have told him it was a job well done. There’s fire in our blood, Amanda. Rage is the most Vulcan emotion there is.”

Spock blinks. That’s nothing he’s heard before.

“It’s things like this that make your father worried,” she sighs.

He laughs again, gentler this time. “It’s fine. I’m going to go to a nice remote planet with all my books and work on my thesis and this one is far enough that even Father won’t be able to bother me.”

“But Tarsus IV?” she asks. “It’s barely colonized, and it has terrible ion storms, and their agriculture is still developing! It’ll be difficult for you to keep to a Vulcan diet!”

There’s another silence, then Sybok says, “My mother never worried over me. She did not find it logical to waste the energy and mental capabilities on events she could not control.” Another pause. “It’s nice that you do, Amanda.”

“Oh, Sybok.” His mother sniffs. “You’re my husband’s son and my son’s brother. You’re my family too. Please be careful and let me know if you need anything at all. We’ll be waiting for you to come home.”

“I believe you will, at least,” he says, and then before his mother can respond, continues, “Live long and prosper, Amanda.”

She sighs again. “Live long and prosper, Sybok.”

Spock forces his racing heart calm. He hopes his brother returns home soon.

#prompt answers #prompts are closed #asks #anon #star trek #ok i know this seems angsty but it's actually the opening to the sybok jim buddy fic that no one asked for #sybok isn't crazy here he's just a graduate student

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the-s1lly-corner · 5 months

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Creepypastas comforting the reader

except some of them arent particularly good at it + as per usual jeff ben and toby are written as platonic everyone else can be seen as either or writing a silly little thing before i tackle in on requests, falling into the same vibe as the "hugging/kissing creepypasta characters" post from last week since i do enjoy rating these lads on thing ehehehe obligatory "these style of posts go over my personal character limit but since this is writing for the admin he bends the rules a bit" anyways uhuh totally dont give me ideas for these eheheh winks

SLENDERMAN:

not much of a talker in general, and i think that remains true in scenario where you're upset/crying. but he does make it clear that hes here for you... just... in a general sense. you know? refuses to leave you alone unless you directly ask him that you need space; more so watches out of concern rather than his usual curiosity. i think he would make you a warm drink and let you vent to him. more of a logical approach than an emotional one; better at giving solutions rather than giving comfort.. though i like to think that his tentacles will pull you close if you want to lean into him, will let you cry into his shoulder with no judgement. 6/10 low score simply because sometimes one needs comfort in the moment instead of solutions, you know?

SPLENDORMAN:

i think hes the opposite of slenderman. hes all emotions first, logic later. if he already knows you comfortable with it, i think he would come in and scoop you up in a hug.. hell he might even cry with you, or do the equivalent of it (admin is still on the fence of whether or not he has eyes or not! torn between them being actual eyes or markings) will make you your favorite snacks and drinks, all the while letting you cry and vent to him. gets mad on your behalf if someone had done you wrong, does not make your feelings feel small or invalidated. if he could he would confront the person who treated you unfairly.... and in fact he might, who would ever believe the person that they came face to face with a ten foot tall monster? though... this can lead to him being a little quick to make choices that might have big impacts... 7/10 love this man need to write more for him and develop my hcs

EYELESS JACK:

you know now that i think about it, given how much i write for EJ, i swear ive done a similar prompt at some point. regardless of it i did and if my hcs are the same, im going to go ahead and drop my hcs. i think hes very similar to slenderman in terms that hes more of a solutions > emotion person.. though i do think hes more likely to join you in any shit talking if someone did you dirty... do i think he would target that person next when hes going to go 'hunting'? no... unless the person did something truly awful and unforgivable, then he would definitely consider it.. probably wont go through with a harvest, though.. but thats it whole other thing. more of a talker than slenderman, so at least he has that going for him. lets you sleep in his bed if youre venting to him in his cabin 7/10 one point higher than slenderman simply because he talks more n stuff

LAUGHING JACK:

im gonna be so real i think he can go either way if hes going to be good at comforting you. on one hand hes too silly and might not take it too seriously; or he might try to make you laugh.. which COULD work but other times makes it look like he doesnt care about your feelings. on the other hand i think he can give some solid adivce, but thats only based on the fact that i love it when unhinged hyper characters suddenly drop the most valuable info. shrugs. i mean if you need a distraction, i think lj is your man to go to ! he was literally made to entertain so i dont think its going to be too hard for him to take your mind elsewhere. i think he would offer to cook you something but i also think hed probably be banned from the kitchen because he cant cook for shit. has probably set water on fire somehow level shit. so instead you guys just sit together talking... mostly its him leading the conversation, though. doesnt leave you be until you at least give him a smile... 6.5/10 only because i dont know how to rate him here

MASKY/TIM:

oh not at all emotional. well no thats a lie but hes not very emotive. thats the more correct word. look if we're talking about masky, hes probably going to be really bad at comforting you unless your means to be comforted involves being watched... though i do think he would fall into the act of service hole.. does all the chores and such for you so you dont have to worry yourself about cleaning a pan thats been in the sink for two days now. tries his hand at cooking, but i dont think masky is the best cook.. TIM on the other hand.. but we'll get into that in a minute. probably ends in you guys ordering something but hey its the thought that counts. if someone made you upset you notice over the course of the next few weeks that person starts outright avoiding you and overall seems anxious. weird. probably unrelated! 7/10 only because im badly overworked irl and the idea of someone taking charge sounds like a dream

tim i think would be similar, but hes more expressive for you... will cook for you but if your favorite food happens to be really specific or something else, hes probably going to run out and get it. torn on whether or not he would tell you before he goes, or if he sticks to keeping it a surprise.. i think he would tell you just so it doesnt feel like hes abandoning you when youre down..! not much to be said here other than him being supportive 8/10 i would KILL for some white cheddar popcorn rn

HOODIE/BRIAN:

i think he would put you to bed. actually i think both of them would but to keep things clear im still going to divide this like masky/tims. i think hoodie is going to keep you in bed, even if youre not particularly tired. dont bother trying to fight him on it, hes only allowing you to get up for the bathroom. let him take care of things! very similar to masky, picks up on a lot of the chores. i think he can cook, though, definitely better than masky but i dont think hes like. top tier. likes making you little snacks, or food thats generally deemed as comforting (mac and cheese, cornbread, ect). doesnt talk (sign) much but will occasionally sign to you asking how you're feeling 7.5/10 love this man, so mad kid me used to sleep on hoodie

very similar, but an even better cook than hoodie so be prepared to eat good. communicates with you more than hoodie and makes small talk while cooking. i think he would keep the chat lighthearted and on a different topic rather than tackling your feelings, unless you express that you want to vent then hes all ears! not because he doesnt care more so because he doesnt want to seem prying or nosey and wants to give you the choice yourself. sometimes makes jokes about stuff in order to try to get you to smile. feels victorious when he succeeds 8/10 mad i slept on him too

TICCI TOBY:

i think he might actually be TOO strong and in your face when asking you what happened. only one who outwardly offers to krill someone if someone were to make you upset. but thats just because i think toby can occasionally get protective of you. i mean youre one of his best friends (only friends) and here you are upset! if you dont want him to do anything hes going to try to contain himself. he strikes me at the type to retreat to the roof and look up at the stars... i think he would offer to do that with you; but if youre too scared to climb then he can lay out a blanket for you so you guys can go sit on the grass! surprisingly a very good listener, though very emotionally driven and reacts a lot when you tell him the details of your day.. but its nice, i think, reassures you that hes is in fact listening.. 7/10 gives off brother vibes

JEFF THE KILLER:

ohhoho so this is an interesting one, because i like the idea of jeff still acting like an older brother every now and then even after everything. but he also has that attitude of "i dont care about anyone around me and im better than everyone".. more of an actions than words guy. he wont really say it.. you know? one of those "if he actually didnt care then he would bother giving you the time of day, much less break into your house at night with his arms full of your favorite snacks and drinks". good luck trying to vent to him though, i think its rare that he lets anyone vent to him since he also holds the "ew yucky feelings" thing ben has.. though once in a blue moon i think he would let you and give some decent advice... though every now and then that advice involves punching someone 6/10 is fair i think...

BEN DROWNED:

kind of reminds me of how younger siblings will give their older siblings know they like. kind of like the "my brother saw me crying and asked me what my favorite color is... he gave me things in that color" post/image going around that i cannot for the life of me find but i know it exists because it made me cry. i think its like that. except since hes in your phone he already knows what your interests are.. probably pulls up what your comforts and likes are in an attempt to cheer you up. i dont think he would bluntly speak with you about your feelings, but thats just because he thinks heart to hearts are yucky and cringe/lh. uses videos, art, stuff like that. ehehe silly phone ghost 7/10 because as simple as it is, if someone tossed my cc at me i would feel at least a little better for a moment and its the action itself you know?

PUPPETEER:

i thin hes similar to jeff in regard that he tries to play things off but deep down he does care, and that tends to show more through his actions... though i personally think if you were to actually cry then he might lose it a bit, because who DARE? i gotta admit, im still trying to figure out how i want to write pup and what hcs to give him, but i think.. this is an okay take.. might 'confront' anyone who made you upset, with or without your approval which might make some issues between the two of you.. more ready to let you vent to him though, might slip out some mean insults and words about whatever's got you upset regardless of its a person, chance, or object 7/10

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pansy-picnics · 1 year

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how did unknighted dream react to varian coming out/bringing home hugo lol

LMAOOO OK so this is one of my favorite things ever solely bc theres SO MANY different ways it can go and literally all of them are fucking gold

i feel like they always knew varian was Not Straight. im a big fan of the idea that varian transitions after qfad and has a big mental breakdown haircut when his dad gets trapped and considering his feelings towards both eugene and cass i think it was always this unspoken thing all of them knew about. rapunzel and eugene however were obviously Not expecting him to bring home a whole ass boyfriend

of course varian wrote tons of letters home so they both heard everything about the new friends he was making, but varian was insistent on not telling them ANYTHING about his crush because god knows how rapunzel would react if she found out about That. she was suspicious when he came back for the light trial but decided to keep her mouth shut until they were all finished with their work there

i love rapunzel and eugene being super supportive but also a Little protective. and its not really anything to do with anything hugo’s done, they’re all about second chances after all but they’re obviously not ready to see their baby brother grow up so fast. ive seen a lot of fics where one or both of them are very defensive and suspicious towards hugo and it ends with a VERY yummy confrontation from varian where he tells them they need to learn that he’s an adult now and is able to make his own choices and they have to be okay with that. but the route of them being so excited and supportive that it ends up being overbearing is also super funny and in character

i think rapunzel at first would be super excited varian is finding love, and very welcoming towards hugo on a surface level- but as time goes on the tiniest things start to make her paranoid, and she worries a lot about varian getting hurt in some way. cue her snooping around a lot just to make sure he’s okay, varian eventually confronting her about it and her apologizing and promising to recognize varian’s maturity and be more accepting of his choices.

when rapunzel actually starts to see hugo on a deeper level she starts to recognize a lot of his similarities to varian, eugene, and especially herself, and she’s now basically like “oh ok!!! new baby brother!! :)”

she then tries to be a lot more welcoming towards hugo, trying to help him settle into the castle without being too overbearing. of course from hugo’s perspective her seemingly constant mood swings make him very hesitant to trust her, but eventually through varian the two are able to bond and find a lot of common ground

eugene on the other hand is fun bc he’s way more versatile and it can go a LOT of different ways depending on how they’re introduced or how their past together is established. i love the idea of him basically becoming Cass 2.0 and being super overprotective of varian but i also like to imagine he’s mostly just so hostile towards hugo bc he recognizes so much of his younger self and is Cringing about it (he would literally NEVER admit it though). like he’s like “i cannot STAND that kid he always acts so cocky and like he’s sooo much better than me” and cass is like “lmao yeah right? he’s exactly like you when you first came here” and eugene’s just “😐”

anyways they’re best friends (they literally cant stand each other)

no they do start to get along eventually though and i have so many thoughts about the potential friendship between the former thieves, lance hugo and eugene would be SUCH a dynamic and this fandom is sleeping on it fr

and then theres cass. GOD cass is my favorite in this situation by far bc shes way more logical and is like the only grounding force between rapunzel and eugene. new dream are the overemotional parents/older siblings in this situation and cass is like. the wine aunt.

bc see cass already ran into varian at some point during his journey and has already processed most of these changes ahead of time. she already recognized how much varian had matured and how much this trip had changed him. and most importantly she recognized what was going on between him and hugo a Long time ago and literally Did Not Care

in fact cass’s main concern is literally just that she thinks hugo is annoying. its not like she’s suspicious of him at all bc she fully trusts varians judgement and also knows varian is capable of handling himself. she’s aware that varian clearly saw something in hugo and chose him for a reason. she just doesn’t like him solely out of personal bias

cass doesn’t straight up tell raps and eugene what the problem is because she knows they need to hear it from varian more than anything but she does try to kind of push them in that direction. she reminds them like “hey maybe you should try to give the kid more credit. i think he knows what he’s doing” yk that kind of thing.

ironically enough though hugo is WAY more scared of her than he is of anyone else. shes like on the same level as quirin on his list of threats which is hilarious because they are the main 2 people who have like, basically nothing against him

hugo: so is this the part where you tell me you’ll kill me if i hurt varian

cass: ? what?? oh no that bitch is fully capable of killing you himself if he wanted to

hugo: …….yeah thats fair actually.

#ask #tangled the series #rapunzels tangled adventure #vat7k #varian and the 7 kingdoms #varian #princess rapunzel #tangled cassandra #eugene fitzherbert #vat7k hugo #varigo #uknighted dream #new dream #pansy rambling again #tts headcanons #pansy-art #hugo rottewange #tangled ask

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quaranmine · 4 months

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How do you go about writing mysteries? Like how your firewatch one has its slow drip of discoveries and backstories and stuff. I keep getting totally lost, cuz I already know my endings, and keep forgetting the audience doesnt and shouldnt know the same. Mysteries are fun. They are also the hardest thing ive ever tried to write.

Honestly, mysteries are SO hard. I don't really know how to write them well either. And your ask honestly surprised me some, because up until this point I have never really considered my AU to succeed as a mystery. There is some legitimate mystery in the story (as to where Mumbo is) but, as it becomes clear in chapter 10 I think, most of the things about the Forest Service, Grian's conspiratorial thinking, and finding someone to blame are just set dressing. Or, to give myself more credit, more character study than reality. Something I've had written in the outline since day one is "Is this a mystery, or is Grian just convinced it's a mystery?" Half of the mystery in the story is finding out what actually happened, and half of the mystery is actually just a character study on Grian's grief and thought processes.

I going to put the rest under a cut, it gets kind of long. I can probably talk about my AU forever honestly. And if anyone reading this isn't caught up to at least chapter 10 this will spoil things:

But anyway. I think the best advice I have is to work backwards. You say you already know your ending so it seems like you're doing that already. I knew from the moment I started working on the story how it was going to end, so working backwards from that is a matter of arranging things to be in the places you want them. Having a complete outline also helps because that's what helped me create that "slow drip of discoveries and backstories" because I wanted to reveal things at a relatively steady pace. As for forgetting that your audience doesn't know things...idk I just try to focus super hard on what has/hasn't been revealed and where everybody's povs are. I think that just becomes a learned thing. I don't just know more than the audience, I know more than all the characters too, and I have to make sure they all operate on exactly what they currently know. I think rereading your already-done work as you go helps to refresh you on this.

Another hard thing about mysteries is like....trusting the audience to make connections. I think that I often overplay my hand and spell things out because I am inexperienced in knowing where to draw the line. For this AU, I didn't really intend it to have any big twist ending. I wanted the truth to be telegraphed as the audience uses their own logic to realize that Grian's POV is biased. And even though I haven't released chapter 11 and 12 yet, I....think I succeeded? Based on the difference in comments from chapter 1 to chapter 10, I think most of my readers are where I want them to be. But I didn't know that until I actually released the chapters. Anyway, I think the surprise is less about what the answer is and more about how it all goes down.

In terms of backstories, Firewatch AU has an almost parallel "before" section. There is never a "flashback" to before Mumbo disappeared. The first scene of the story is the ground zero and we never go before that. So the timeline of the story is always "contained" despite skipping around sometimes? Over the course of the fic I slowly introduce scenes that eventually lead us into exactly how Grian got here in the present-day plot. Pretty much all the "before" sections emphasize one way or another that Grian has been struggling.

I guess I can summarize my intentions with the chapters? There's a specific structure to them and their purpose (if I could help it.) Sometimes I feel like I have this story structured within an inch of its life, which is one reason that I have been able to post as I go without needing to make any retroactive changes to already done chapters.

Chapter one: establishes the central problem in the story, introduces the main characters to each other, and introduces Grian's goals. Honestly, I think this is a great first chapter since it introduces everything it needs to. It swaps time periods more than any other one but that is because I specifically modeled it to reflect the intro of the game Firewatch.

Chapter two: introduces fire as a major plot element, and serves as character development and relationship development between Scar and Grian. Also introduces more of Grian's grief, his thoughts about search and rescue, and specifically (vitally, to the plot) allows Scar see just a glimpse of what's happening with Grian that Grian isn't telling him.

Chapter three: mostly vital character development (especially for Scar) and relationship development; I've got to set them up as becoming friends before the big stuff kicks in. also, fire lookout knowledge!

Chapter four: first big clue (found by chance, not by Grian, which sort of emphasizes the idea of things being out of anyone's control that comes up in the narrative a lot.) Bigger spotlight on Grian's emotions (understatement of the year.) Scar gets officially looped into the Real Story. From this point on the plot progresses relatively regularly.

Chapter five: more character development, and another backstory hint about Scar. also, now that Scar is looped in, he gets to contribute information to the plot by bringing the newest clue (that builds off the information revealed in chapter four) (hey grian, it turns out when you communicate to people they can assist you)

Chapter six: this chapter is mostly a flashback section, which i wanted to avoid in chapters but IIRC it was simply too long to include with chapter five. This section with Pearl serves to emphasize a few different self-destructive tendencies Grian has (isolation, his living space, his financial situation, etc.) And finally, more information Scar gives him since he has contacts from working there so long. Also, from here on out Grian's conspiratorial thinking grows.

-> side note, one part of this story being a mystery that was difficult was that like. without internet research being available in the 80s, most "detective" actions would naturally involve talking to people, interviewing, looking at documents, etc. but since grian is Alone, in the middle of the Wilderness, he has none of that. it's, uh, difficult to introduce clues when the main character has little ability to find them. I had to sit down and be like, realistically HOW can he solve this without just wandering around in the woods endlessly? It's not a fun story if all he does is hike around the forest. In the game Firewatch, that sort of worked, but that's because you're controlling Henry. It doesn't translate well to reading. But with Grian entirely on his own, exploring the forest is the only "tool" he has. So Scar is a useful addition since he actually knows people to talk to that Grian doesn't and can move things forward by bringing more information to the table. But I have to proceed carefully to ensure he isn't just a deus ex machina for any hard parts of the plot. Scar talking to someone off-screen can't solve every problem in the story or else it's a bad story.

Chapter seven: some conflict/roadblocks introduced, because Scar cannot just endlessly poke around and find information without repercussions. also, the govt loooooves to make information available only to specific people. you can and will get slapped on the wrist if you consistently overstep the boundaries of your job. also, i need Grian to contribue his own piece to solving the mystery without Scar, so with his boots-on-the ground he finds the trail Mumbo took to get to from point A to point B. He gets a dangerous idea that will later escalate the plot closer to the climax, since we're officially in the second half of the story. There's a flashback that is purposefully the first part of the story so far to have someone outright state they think Mumbo is dead (and of course it's Jimmy.) Ends with more character development for Scar.

Chapter eight: WOOOO SCAR CHAPTER! but not before some egregiously obvious foreshadowing and a distinct reminder that this is a story about fire. i break from my deep character pov for the first time just to give the readers some scientific and historical background. we finally learn more about Scar, which should in theory retroactively piece together why he specifically wants to help Grian so much: because he sees his own experiences reflected in what Grian is living through now. also, since so much of this story is Grian isolating himself and pushing help away, it is vital for him to be shown someone else Does understand him

Chapter nine: beginning of the end pt 1 of 3. we re-center fire as a risk in the story again. grian commits a few crimes, because his main motivation this whole time has been information. and he simply can't get that information sitting in a tower by himself in the woods. he is desperate to find puzzle pieces to slot together so that everything makes sense. this is also the height of his conspiratorial thinking and there's a big disconnect between how he views other people, and their actual actions. I initially didn't want the story to "leave" its main setting, I wanted it to be a bottle. But that just didn't work in practice when plotting this out.

Chapter ten: beginning of the end pt 2 of 3, and we bring the flashback scenes full circle by including grian's decision to become a lookout in the same chapter we learns he gets fired. a somewhat anti-climactic reveal of there not being all that much conspirarcy to Mumbo's disappearance, in a way that hopefully is not disappointing since hopefully everyone reading realizes Why grian was convinced of this and Why he's wrong. woooo fire again! the return of the mystical bike location that was introduced early in the plot! grian finally being forced to reckon with things he's been avoiding thinking about all story! a fallout between our beloved main characters at the 11th hour!

Chapter eleven and twelve: ???? coming soon but you can guarantee they'll deal with the loose ends here since this story is standalone in its plot

So, idk if that type of analytical breakdown is useful to you. But you can kind of see how my plot was guided by the constraints on my narrative--a lot of my choices involved either needing different characters to help grian, or needing grian to go somewhere else. but i constantly wanted to make sure that it made sense for Scar to help Grian, that Scar never overstepped his place in the narrative by being "all-knowing", and that all of Grian's decisions are driven, even to the point of Problems, by his grief. Also, to kickstart the plot, I needed at least one major shake-up to happen (in this story, finding the bike) or else Grian probably would have been just as doomed as everyone else to look in the wrong places. Since it's more or less a cold case, a breakthrough needed to happen to move things forward. So I suppose what I needed was: first, to know the ending I needed to get to; second, to know where I was starting; and third, to provide at least one major clue to give the characters an opportunity to unravel the rest.

Also, this is less about mysteries and more about characterization, but when writing Grian I put Mumbo at the highest priority in all situations. This means he is willing to tank his financial situation, his jobs, his relationships with his friends, and even commit crimes for Mumbo. He consistently does not consider his own future when making decisions. He's reactive and more than willing to take things to the extreme, which I think makes him honestly more fun to write about. I think his Drive pushes the story even when there's just dialogue sitting in a fire tower. One thing I never wanted to do in this story was soften characters' emotions or actions into something "easier."

anyway, this is a story about trying to find logic in places where there is none, coping badly and learning to cope, accepting support from others, grief, and finding closure <333 thank you for your ask it was very sweet to be asked for advice and hopefully SOMETHING in this essay helps <333

#twirls hair hiiiiiiii #i can analyze like every bit of this au like an english assignment u have no clue #i think uhhhh half my enjoyment in writing is not just writing but engaging in analysis of things. it is Enrichment for me #there's so much to talk about with the theming in this story honestly. i do A LOT of things on purpose in this fic.#this story is not gonna join the ranks of the Literary Greats but it is my first shot at trying to do many things and i've enjoyed it a lot #from here on out any other story i write (that i take as seriously as this) will just continue to get better because i learned a lot here #hc_firewatch_au #quara asks

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richmond-rex · 9 months

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Hi there! Just recently found your blog and I love it 🩷 you've probably answered this before but I was wondering if you had any insight on why Elizabeth of Yorks cornation was delayed almost two years. People who are anti Henry VII say it's becasue he didn't want to share power with Elizabeth or that he was jealous of her popularity etc. But from what I read there were good reasons for the delay. First Elizabeth became pregnant near instantly after getting married and couldn't go through the ceremony until after the birth and recovery period. Then the Simnel rebellion happened. After the battle of stokes she was crowned 5 months later which doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Anyways just wondering if you had any further insights or details.

Hi, anon! First of all, I'm so very sorry for taking so long to reply to this ask. Thank you for letting me know you love this blog 🤍 I've discussed Elizabeth's delayed coronation before but I don't think I've ever organised my thoughts in a single post. I'm going to discuss the circumstances of the first two years of Henry's reign so we can look at them together. All in all, the delay in Elizabeth's coronation seems a logical outcome of the political circumstances of Henry VII's early years and not spite-motivated as Francis Bacon claimed in his work and what the scholarship based on Bacon usually repeats.

Regarding Henry's jealousy/insecurity, one of the theories is that Henry wanted to avoid a joint rule by avoiding a joint coronation. It's not that simple because such a coronation was simply not feasible at that time. For a joint coronation in October 1485, Henry and Elizabeth had to have been already married by that time, and that couldn't happen before he had re-legitimised her in parliament—for that to happen in turn, Henry had to sit in parliament as a crowned ruler. It was paramount to acquire the spiritual legitimacy only a coronation could give to boost his own authority. Edward IV had done the same (had crowned himself before sitting in his first parliament), and we can tell how much of a rushed affair Henry's coronation was by the simple fact that they used the same device for his predecessor's coronation: they literally simply crossed out Richard's name and wrote Henry's instead. A platform inside the church collapsed and several spectators were hurt during the occasion.

That's not to say Henry couldn't shake his shoulders at all those impediments and marry and crown Elizabeth immediately after Bosworth despite the legitimacy and dispensation issues hanging over them: although unorthodox, it could (theoretically) be done, but it's clear Henry had to tread carefully to establish his own legitimacy independent from the house of York if he wanted to be seen as an indisposable ruler in his own name. Whether it was the technical difficulties or Henry's wish to be seen as more than Elizabeth's husband—someone who could be booted off the throne in the case of her death—or both the technical difficulties and Henry's need for self-assertion, it seems unreasonable to expect a double coronation at that time and attribute this fact to Henry's malice and/or jealousy.

A coronation could have happened right after Henry and Elizabeth's marriage as it customarily happened. There are clear signs that indicate that this is what Henry had originally intended: in December 1485, he ordered horses for Elizabeth's coronation, and the plan was still in motion in January 1486 when he ordered 'tawnings of ermyns', 'canapye stavez', 'cherez of estate', 'skarlate rede clothe' as well as the 'furryng of dyvers of ye quenes robe' and diverse other items 'agenst the coronation of our soverayne lady ye queen'. It seems clear they weren't prepared for a coronation straight after their wedding (which seems to have been a rather more diminished affair comparatively)—Henry being short of cash and entagled in debts from his own previous coronation seems like a possibility, and even Edward IV, who married for love and had no reason to want to obfuscate his consort, took almost a whole year to be able to crown his own wife. What's unclear is why the coronation plans didn't advance through 1486.

Anna Duch has speculated Elizabeth's possible difficult pregnancy halted the plans for her coronation. A couple of queens were indeed crowned whilst pregnant: Anne Boleyn, who had a secret wedding and was in urgent need of legitimacy (so that her child could be seen as legitimate in turn), and Philippa of Hainault, who was married amidst the chaos of the power struggle between her in-laws and had held little visibility up to that point. It seems it was the news of Philippa's pregnancy that led to her coronation, and I don't see why the same wouldn't have happened to Elizabeth of York if what they claim to have been Henry's intention—to reduce Elizabeth to be simply the bearer of his heirs and hold no power whatsoever—was true.

Henry didn't rush to crown her at that point, although we don't know if Elizabeth's medical condition would have allowed her to go through a coronation. Not only Elizabeth's pregnancy might have prevented her from going through a coronation, but she also didn't follow the king in his northern progress despite arrangements for her appearance by his side at York where Henry's device of the red and white rose would come together for the first time. Maybe Elizabeth's mobility in the first trimester was hindered by morning sickness or the like, and soon Henry had other problems to worry about. As pointed out by Retha Warnicke, 'it is possible that Henry did not wish to expose his queen in a public ceremony that would draw great, sometimes unruly, crowds during a time of so many disturbances'.

By mid-1486 Henry had to deal with various rebellions in the north and even an assassination attempt at York. His northern progress, besides being conventional for a newly crowned king, was also motivated by Henry's need to show himself and impose his royal will onto his rebellious and disaffected subjects. A month before Henry set out north, contemporary correspondence circulated that 'the king purposyse northward hastyly after the Parlement, & it is sayd he purposses to doe execution quickly ther on such as hath offended agynst him'. The same letter, dated from February 1486, suggested that he intended to lead north a great company of men 'in harnesse' (in armour) together with some 200 lords and knights. Correspondence dated from December 1485 shows that Henry and his advisors feared a major outbreak of violence around that time, and back in October, Henry had written of his 'knowledge that certeyne our rebelles and traitours being of litell honour or substance conferred with our auncient ennemyes the Scottes… made insurreccion and assemblies in the north portions of our realme'.

By the time Henry approached York, he was reportedly surrounded by 'great noblesse, as above saide, and merveolous great nombre of so short a warnyng of esquires, gentlemen and yeomen in defensible array'. Lovell's rebellion was already underway, and frankly, it sounds like quite an unsafe atmosphere for Henry's pregnant queen to make an appearance. At the same time, Henry had to spend money on ordering materials and clothes for his public appearances in the cities he visited in his northern progress, and considering the royal treasury was still suffering from the expenses of the previous years I wonder if Elizabeth's coronation plans were also put on hold because of that royal progress in spring 1486. By the time Henry and his lords returned to London, Elizabeth's pregnancy was already advanced and his top priority seems to have been to get her to Winchester safely before her delivery.

After Arthur's birth and christening, Elizabeth's subsequent illness and churching, etc, the court could barely go back to a normal schedule as talks of Edward of Warwick's escape were circulating in London already by November 1486. Correspondence from January 1487 makes it clear that Henry had known of certain developments of the new rebellion since the beginning of that year. There were disturbances in Devon and Cornwall in early February and in Ireland in March. Henry had to call for a general council to discuss the security of his kingdom in February because of the boy pretender they already knew to be in Dublin at that time. By mid-March, Henry was already on the road to make arrangements for a foreign invasion, and it wouldn't be until after the Battle of Stoke in June that Henry would be able to devote his attention to his wife's coronation.

Henry's situation in 1486-1487 was, as described by Emma Cavell, 'ominously reminiscent of his own challenge to Richard III only two years earlier: a challenge in which the pretender had defeated the king'. All through this period we can identify the influence of unforeseen circumstances on Henry's actions and plans for his public appearances, especially where rebellion and challenges to his rule were concerned. It's clear too that Elizabeth's coronation was a grand affair, very likely bigger than Henry's own coronation, and an occasion where the yorkist symbols of the white rose and sun in splendour were displayed in great pomp for all to see. It sounds illogical to think Henry had been up to that point consumed with fear for Elizabeth's rights but after exactly what had been a yorkist rebellion and invasion, he would simply forget about his fear/jealousy and proceed with legitimising the yorkist inheritance in the public imagination.

What we have evidence of—and what I think we should focus on—are Henry's own words regarding 'ye quenes coronacyon' that he was planning as early as December 1485, and the various items that he bought for the occasion. Why the coronation didn't go ahead until 1487 is a matter of speculation but what is certain is that Henry didn't wait for Elizabeth to become pregnant to 'reward' her with a coronation (and thus reduce her to a human oven), as has been so often claimed. What do you all think? 🌹x

#once again: so sorry for the wait!#henry vii #elizabeth of york #ask #anon #historian: retha warnicke #historian: anna duch #historian: emma cavell

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hyugaruma · 5 months

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WOOHOO MATCHUPS!! ok uhh for my personality i would say i'm an extroverted introvert, if that makes any sense? i don't mind hanging out around people, i enjoy hanging out around people i like, but sometimes my social meter can go down reaaaal fast. i don't like socialising that much, but if i need to or want to i can converse pretty well (i guess). im quite blunt, im not afraid to say what i think needs to be said, as i feel that hiding things only leads to more problems. i know when things don't need to be said and when to keep my mouth shut tho. i usually balance out the people i'm hanging out with: if they're all quiet introverts im the talkative social one, if they're all loud and chaotic im the quiet one with common sense. idk why i do it its just easier to balance things out, it comes naturally to me. I'm also usually the protective one of the group, if someone looks at my friends funny i'll be the first one to glare back, or shield my friends from them. heck i'll even pick a fight if i need to, come at me bro. when it comes to standing up for others, all my shyness and social awkwardness goes out of the window lmao. i can also be a bit too sensitive at times, my emotions are quite strong, leading me to cry even though i definitely do not feel the need to 💀. it's humiliating honestly but i just ignore it and act like there's no tears at all. other than that i can usually push my emotions to the side and think logically, the best i can in that situation anyways

for my interests and hobbies, i like gaming and consuming fictional media, mostly manga and anime, although i don't mind other genres as well. my current hyperfixations are high&low (duh) and tokyo revengers, so u can kinda see a theme going on huh... i'm also a huge music enjoyer, i can listen to anything (except for love ballads. idk why i just can't rlly stand listening to them), but my fav genres are pop, kpop, and jpop. I'm also an actor! I'm aiming to get into the entertainment industry in the future, although my parents want me to take a more "solid" degree first just so i'm able to support myself financially (they're not wrong honestly). i think i'm pretty good at acting teehee (i'm rlly good at lying too :P).

there are many things i dislike, so many that i can't even think of any, but i guess the most important ones are discrimination like homophobia/transphobia, sexism, racism, etc. ik it seems like a no brainer, but i absolutely cannot accept a partner who does any of these. it's not that hard to be a decent human being. ive already mentioned most of the things i like up there, but others include cats, plushies, kuromi, food (i LOVE food. small stomach tho), and many more that i again cannot think of.

i hope this is enough info, lowkey feel like ive overshared so apologies for that, i've never done a matchup before 😅 thank you so much!

p.s. i love ur writing, i'm glad there's still writers like you who keep the community alive <3 thank u for all ur hard work! and sorry again for writing so much T-T

tysm for requesting, and also for the kind words :-)) and don’t apologize, more is always better for me to work with!!

I match you with… Miyauchi “Binzo” Kouzou!

Binzo prefers people who are honest and upfront about their feelings and thoughts, and doesn’t really believe in sugarcoating things, so he would like that in a partner as well. Also, if you ever picked a fight with some asshole in front of Binzo, he’d fall in love with you all over again, like holy crap he would be all heart-eyes emoji over it. Maybe unpopular opinion here, but I see Binzo as being an introverted extrovert type, so I can see the two of you balancing each other out well. Binzo is all for good action plots so he’ll definitely be down to binge some Tokyo Rev with you. Also, this dude eats like a horse (do horses eat a lot? idk), so if you like food he’ll probably take you out to eat, like, all the time.

Alternate Matches: Odajima Yuken, Tettsu

#high&low matchup

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chibinightowl · 2 years

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Waiting is the worst part. Logically, Tim knows his husband is in the best possible place for the care he needs. But he's also behind doors that not even the name Wayne will open, waiting alone in a place that has caused him so much trauma in the past.

Well, perhaps not this particular hospital, but other medical centers and other medical professionals have all contributed to Jason's PTSD.

Tim can't even sit with him, hold his hand, and field questions so his husband doesn't have to. He can't tell the staff to speak up, that Jason is half deaf on one side and has damage on the other thanks to an accident years before. He can't give him a hug when he goes back for his scans and offer a smile when he returns.

What's worse, what's tearing Tim's guts up inside, is the guilt that he didn't listen when Jason first mentioned he wasn't well. Admittedly, they both thought the nausea was a side effect of the panic attack Jason suffered two days before. He'd spent the morning vomiting before a doctor appointment he couldn't put off any more. They chalked it up to anxiety and that it would pass once the visit was over.

The appointment might be over but the nausea remains. Chills and cold sweats have entered into the mix and Jason has spent the last couple of nights tossing restlessly in the living room where the floor is paneled rather than carpeted. It's not unusual for him to lie there--he runs warm to begin with and has said he enjoys a nap where the flooring is cool on his skin.

This morning when Tim woke up, Jason was still there, whimpering and restless. His eyes cracked open when Tim sat down in the armchair with his coffee. "Babe, I don't feel good," he'd said.

"I know," Tim had soothed. "When did you last take your nausea meds?"

They both know what a vicious cycle Jason's brain can get stuck in, how his body reacts to stressors and how in turn he'll fixate when there's nothing actually wrong. Many a virtual doctor visit has been had for exactly that.

But today, tears welled up in Jason's eyes when Tim brushed him aside. "I took them already," he'd said. "Nothing is working. I can't eat. I can't drink. I'm cold and hot and I fucking hurt. I know this shit is all probably in my head but I want to see a doctor and have them tell me that to my face."

Tim remembers all too well how he'd felt like he was humoring his husband when he snagged his tablet to look for the closest urgent care clinic. It's at the clinic where the PA prods Jason's abdomen and he curls up tight against the pressure.

"I think you might have appendicitis," she'd said and sent them on their merry way to the ER.

The whole drive, Tim felt like a damned tool. He's had appendicitis himself, he knows the symptoms, and has even gone through the surgery. How did he miss this?

At a stop light, Jason had placed a clammy hand over Tim's. "Don't beat yourself up over it, babe."

"I should have known..."

"You should have known shit--your symptoms were different."

This is true but is beside the point. "I'll stay with you," he says in a rush. "For as long as I can."

It ends up not being for very long. So here Tim sits in the cafeteria, nursing a cup of coffee and fucking around on his phone. Jason's maybe 500 feet away in a triage staging area, but it feels like miles. He has an IV for fluids and has been given medication for pain and the nausea. He's NPO in case he'll need surgery.

All of these things Tim knows from his own experience earlier in the year. He'd done it all by himself because Jason's PTSD wouldn't allow him to even set foot in the ER. He'd tried, oh had he tried, but Tim told him it would be okay, that he'd keep in touch by text and to keep his phone on him.

Jason might be able to walk in here now but he shouldn't be alone. But the ER is crowded and there are no extra seats in triage for guests. Jason had squeezed Tim's hand when the nurse told him he needed to wait elsewhere.

"Keep your phone on you, babe."

"I won't put it down."

And so he waits, gnawing on his guilt and feeling like the worst person ever.

#chibinightowl writes #jaytim #holy personal experiences Batman #I wrote a fic a few years ago #that was also Tim and Jason and unknown health issues #and dick was in it too and there was pie #whatever that fic is titled consider this a sequel #I feel like such a failure as a wife right now #maybe I'll delete this later #but for now it's keep me distracted while I sit here and wait

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anxiousgaypanicking · 9 months

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Eating Out

!a series of me uploading the kinktober fics/drabbles i made years ago because i didnt back in 2020 for some fuckin reason. if these are bad/poor quality its because theyre old, and ive improved since then :)!

Losleep (Remy x Logan) Day 2: Eating out Warnings: eating ass

"You know, Thomas can't really fall asleep with his brain running a mile a minute," Remy said, leaning against the logical traits door with a sweet smelling coffee in hand.

"It's practically impossible for anyone to run a mile per minute," Logan responds, eyes not moving from computer screen. He continued typing, as he continued explaining. "The world record time for the fastest mile run is three minutes and forty three seconds."

Remy rolls his eyes. "You know what I meant."

"I don't."

"For someone who claims to be so smart-"

"Don't."

Remy grinned, and he could see Logan hunch over slightly. Remy whistled, strolling fully into the room.

"Sitting like that is bad for your posture, babe," Remy advises him, moving to stand right at the side of the chair. He takes a large sip of his coffee, before setting it down on Logan's desk. That gets Logan to stop.

He glares at Remy. "Move that. My workspace is not a place for you to leave your trash."

"This is half full. Far from trash, if ya ask me."

"Well, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. I have work to do, Sleep, and you do too. Thomas shouldn't be awake at this hour."

Remy rolls his eyes again. "You think I don't know that? Bitch, the first thing I said when I walked in was that Thomas couldn't sleep. And that's not entirely my fault. I can only do so much for him. His brain is keeping him awake."

Logan sighs, staring at Remy for a few seconds, and Remy believes he's won.

But then, Logan just turns back to his work, causing Remy to let out a groan.

Well, guess he'd have to use force.

He gripped the back of Logan's chair, before spinning it so that he and Logan were face to face.

"For someone who wants best for Thomas, you sure aren't trying very hard," Remy says, roughly grabbing Logan's chin and pulls their faces close together.

Logan's eyes go wide for a minute, before they narrow. He goes to retaliate, but Remy beats him to it.

"Sitting that close to a screen will hurt your beautiful eyes babe. Give you a headache too. But you've already had one, if not more of those. Don't think I didn't notice the bottle of Ibuprofen on your desk." He releases Logan's chin, and instead, grabs Logan's wrists and pulls him up and out of the chair.

"Tell me, why can't you just put this stuff off until tomorrow?"

"Because it needs to be done tonight-!"

"Oh? It needs to be done tonight?" He pushes Logan onto the bed.

"That's what I just-"

"You know what else needs to be done tonight? A whole lotta sleepin', and I'm willing to help our host in any way that I can," Remy purrs, crawling onto the bed after Logan. "And if that means helping you destress in order to do so, then so be it."

Remy's now positioned so that he's straddling Logan's lap, hunched over Logan as Logan's back is pressed to the bed.

Logan's hands are on Remy's shoulders, but Remy can tell Logan's mind is still on his work.

So Remy's hand slides down and grips Logan's tie, pulling it so that Logan's face is once again close to his. His other hand is busy rubbing up and down Logan's side, an all too comforting gesture that greatly contrasted with how intensely he was staring down Logan.

"May I?" Remy suddenly asks, a smug smirk creeping onto his face.

Logan, getting the implications, spared one last look at his computer, before sighing out a tired "you have my consent." Remy grinned, wasting no time as he worked to strip Logan, Logan helping as best he could.

Although, there really wasn't a need to, considering how quickly Remy tore the clothes off of him.

"I believe this is less to help me destress and more to satisfy your high sex drive," Logan states, frowning when Remy removes his glasses from his face.

He can still see somewhat decently, but he prefers to wear them in order to avoid getting headaches.

Remy then removes his own sunglasses, revealing his own dark brown eyes.

"I won't be satisfying myself in any way," Remy counters, his hands roaming over Logan's nude body. It was stiff and rigid, as if Logan was incapable of relaxing.

Knowing him, it probably was.

Logan was surprisingly fit, though, which Remy would be more surprised about if he hadn't already seen Logan shirtless. He had broad shoulders, but looked to just be skinny and lanky when you looked at him normally.

But naked? He was well toned, his arms and legs definitely held muscle, and-

"Remy, can you hurry up?" Logan asks, voice rather irritated. Remy tsks, hands coming to rest on Logan's thighs.

"I was just admiring your body," Remy says, as he spreads Logan's thighs apart. Out of nowhere, he slaps the inside of one of them, and Logan lets out a mix between a squeak and a whine. He then glares at Remy, while Remy just grins.

"Can you flip yourself over for me please, love?" Remy asks, hands massaging Logan's thighs.

Logan does as he says and flips himself onto his hands and knees, before saying "I thought you wouldn't be satisfying yourself in any way," clearly expecting Remy to fuck him.

He gasps, and is rather caught off guard however, as he feels a wet muscle prodding at his entrance.

He instinctually pushes himself back on it, only for the stimulation to disappear almost immediately.

Logan whines, and he hears Remy chuckle behind him, his hands going back to running over Logan's body.

"Remy..." Logan whines out, and Remy's hands pause where they are. He bends over Logan's back, lips hovering right above Logan's ear.

"Yeah babe?" Remy responds, voice quiet and low. Logan whines in response.

He was embarrassed to admit that his cock was fully hard, just from the touches and light stimulation. He didn't partake in sexual acts often, so his body was rather sensitive when it came to this sort of thing.

"Are you really going to make me ask?"

Remy grins at Logan's rushed out question, before he places a kiss to the side of Logan's head.

"Nah. Guess not. I'm here to help, although, I'll admit that hearing you beg is a pretty hot thought," he answers, pressing a kiss between Logan's shoulder blades. Logan just rolls his eyes.

He feels Remy's hands running over his body yet again, and found himself getting a bit irritated, as he assumed that Remy wasn't going to give him what he wanted. That was, until, he felt Remy spread his cheeks, and his tongue back at his asshole.

Logan whined, pushing his face into the pillows, as Remy held his ass up with his hands holding tight around his waist.

Remy's tongue is lapping at Logan's asshole, before he slowly prods the entrance. Logan let out a shaky breath at the action, pushing back on the muscle.

Remy begins to thrust his tongue in and out of Logan's ass, the logical side, gasping and moaning at the actions.

In a matter of time, Logan was gasping out that he was close, his own hand coming to work his cock. He moaned as he began jacking himself off, Remy continuing to thrust into his ass as his hands massaged Logan's hips.

Logan came with a whine, before Remy pulled his tongue out and released Logan, said man falling into his own mess on the bed.

He let out a slightly disgusted noise, as he landed in his own come.

"I need to wash my sheets now," he mutters, and he hears Remy laugh.

"Yeah, you do. You could probably also use a shower. Buuuuut," Remy drew out the word as he shrugged off his jacket and pulled off his jeans, before crawling into bed with Logan. "You can always do that tomorrow," he finishes, pulling Logan to his chest, holding him rather tightly in case he planned on escaping.

Knowing Logan, he'd probably just get right back up early tomorrow and continue working, but for now, Logan could use some sleep. And he was finally relaxed enough to get some.

#kinktober 2020 #agp kinktober 2020 #i hate these

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transdib · 5 months

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i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

#life of doge #negative but also positive idk

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sentientgopro · 4 months

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My parents are currently trying to figure out a way for me to not have to share a bedroom with my brother, to the extent of considering a room in the garden. I said its probably just not worth it, Ive managed living in the room with him for many years, Im sure I can make do for another year and a half, and she said to me "You can't just put your life on hold like that for a year and a half until you move out". And she has no clue that had an entirely different meaning to me.

Yes, I DO have to put my life on hold until I move out, in a much more severe and damaging way than she realises, because of her transphobic ass.

But regardless of the twat saying it and the irrelevant context, I've been dwelling on those words. Its already getting kinda difficult a month into cracking doing nothing. Ive still got about another 20 to go before I even START transitioning and thats far from an instant problem fix, isn't it.

And I already wanted to think more in detail about how it will go when they inevitably find out, but this has presented a nice opportunity to think about it a bit more. My Dad will be absolutely pissed, plain and simple, to the extent that I'd have to make sure he finds out from a long distance for my own safety. He's gotten very aggressive over alot less. My mother, on the other hand, is a much more complex question.

She's the only one I've really ever talked to about issues (particularly issues relating to Dad, as well as mental issues), shes a psychologist so she kinda has a bit of idea what shes talking about. and she has said, on many occasions, that she thinks I'm very emotionally intelligent. She thinks I know myself very well. So if I told her about something I know she fundamentally disagrees with, will she just forget all that?

The thing is, she's been locked into conservative beliefs, but she can be reasoned with. One example was of a general discussion over the existance of gender dysphoria and validity of trans people, and I convinced her that gender dysphoria is real, there are scientific explanations behind why trans people feel the way they do. And she cannot find an argument against me so she resorts to "Okay, people like that exist, but I think most just do it because they think its trendy" cool, an entirely unmeasurable, impossible to back up claim that I cant even outright disprove so it pretty much ends up as her being right because she just knows better apparently. But, up to outright convincing her to change her beliefs, she can be reasoned with.

And besides, if Im so emotionally intelligent, surely I should belong to the group of people who aren't faking it, by her logic?

Honestly, if she was just outright never going to accept me like him, itd be easier. But the fact that theres a genuine question here makes it so difficult. Like, her helping cover for me and keep it a secret from my Dad and Brother while I start HRT is a genuine, possible outcome. Its also very unlikely.

But, if I could convince her Im not making it up, which should work in theory, and if she holds the belief that I can't just put my life on hold, its a forseeable outcome. And I don't know how I feel about that.

(Short bit of context for the next bit) One of my Sixth Form teachers has gotten extremely ill, we don't know the details but basically, hes disappearing for a while and we dont know if hes ever coming back. He is the ONLY member of staff in the school capable of teaching the subject. So, my mother arranged a meeting with the head to ask what happens next, and raised concerns over my education. In return, the head tried to ignore it by pinning it on me, saying I'm struggling already, and basically turn it around on me as if our only teacher isnt disappearing.

So I tried defending myself in a few ways, one of them being, since the last round of tests, Ive been feeling like, ALOT better, better motivated, to an extent that is affecting me on a day to day basis and making it easier to get work done, so there should be a massive improvement since my last tests. So after the meeting, naturally, my mother wanted to know what it was exactly that changed, and I realised I fucked up. The thing that changed was realising I was trans and realising that, eventually, I could be happy, and I have something to look forward to and work towards. So now shes gonna keep asking and wanting to talk about what it was. She keeps asking to go on a walk and talk about it.

And it keeps making me imagine, far into the walk, after she keeps poking and prodding, just going, "Fuck it, leap of faith". Because the more I dont tell her, the more suspicious shes probably gonna become.

idk, theres no real end point to this. This is more of a vent than figuring out my feelings. Supportive relatives are great, unsupportive relatives suck, but questionable relatives are fucking anxiety provoking. This is nothing new Im discovering here, really, this is a trans experience thats older than time itself. But I've never been a big risk taker, so Ill probably just take the long route and make sure they find out as late as possible.

#196 #transgender #transfem #personal logs

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heliosoll · 2 years

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Hii >u< !! So for the last year ive been on relying on loa and shifting to fix my life and hiding behind it as a backup plan or to get out of this mess and im getting nervous that it actually doesnt work and im gonna be a loser because i have such heavy expectations on my ideal life, ive manifested drinks before but is there any science behind it? Thank u sm for ur blog its so helpful :))

Hi!

This is a super common doubt so don't worry! From a logical standpoint, I'd recommend researching quantum mechanics. I'd also recommend researching how the subconscious mind works (this will take you anywhere from psychology to neuroscience; there's a lot about the brain) and how the brain interprets the world around it.

One thing that I do want to let you know though, is that most loa blogs would tell you to throw that logical thinking away. I've done this too, usually for people who have known about the law a lot longer, because once you get used to the idea of the law and shifting, logic doesn't matter anymore. And trust me, I know how that sounds to a very logical mindset. But the entire idea of the law is that anything you assume to be true has to be true (you can assume the sky is neon green and it will be, regardless of logic), and shifting often comes from the theory that a multiverse exists or that you can alter reality to fit whatever you want it to be (even down to changing the laws of physics).

While looking into the science of these things can be very interesting and rewarding, it can also be a good exercise to just try trusting these things regardless of how much you believe in them. A lot of first time manifestors will practice manifesting "small" things like seeing a butterfly or getting food. A lot of first time shifters will also practice shifting, usually in the form of mini-shifts (small changes to their CR or very short periods of time in their DR). Practicing on a smaller scale can really help you not only gather belief in these things but also form a solid sense of confidence in your ability to do them.

At the end of the day, if manifesting and shifting genuinely interest you, there's no harm in trying, even if you find it hard to believe at first. I would really recommend prioritizing your self concept as your comment about it not working and you being a loser seems a little like negative self talk. Try talking to yourself with a little more compassion! Even if it doesn't work (it will), why would that make you a loser? Just try it out and see how things go yknow? And don't downplay your success! You're coming to me about saying you're worried it won't work while also admitting that you've manifested before? You've literally already done it! Don't downplay that!

#letters 🎀

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no-shxme · 2 years

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if you feel like giving a stuck writer advice.... how do you get inspiration when head no work right or produce the right words

hey anon, sorry to hear about mush brain :C my advice is scattered but i'll list what helps for me. it's long because im verbose, i hope you dont mind. skip around or whatever (SOB)

something that might help is literally writing about that shitty writer's block feeling. i dont know about you but when i write i usually have to write towards something. usually i have a fragment of a sentence or scene that i want to get to, or just a mood, etc--as specific or unspecific as possible. Then its simply a matter of spewing enough words to get there. I'm not sure what you're trying to write (or maybe you dont have an idea, i'll get to that) but if you're looking to warm up and loosen some brain cells and you can't think of where to go with your words then you could always write about how your head-no-work. cause that's a very powerful and potent feeling in itself. i dont worry about a full scene or anything, just spitting some words on the page about how im feeling, or a character that's feeling the same thing, is often enough to spark more. i think too often people get stuck in their writer's block bc it understandably SUCKS, but there's often something to be explored there, in a good way.

sometimes to get inspiration or get out of a funk i have to really switch things up. i listen to new music or stuff that i haven't listened to in a loooong time. i'll read a book or a comic or ill go look at some pretty art and see if anything clicks. adding to that, a break can really help. a day or two or a week or whatever where you tell yourself that you're absolutely not allowed to write anything. a break! usually i can do that for a day or half a day and then i'll be good to go. (that's also because i write every single day so writing is very much a habit for me, which helps. if it takes longer then that's okay.)

opposite of this, sometimes i'm especially desperate to get something done so i just brute force it. i dont really believe in only doing something when inspiration strikes, (though inspiration is helpful and so are breaks) so sometimes i just throw up all over the page. the worst dogshit ive ever read. and that's ok, because at least it's on the page and not trapped in your brain. even if it's literally just a summary of what happens in the scene. you can always go back later and add more/flesh it out/etc.

back to idea generating. sometimes if im out of juice i literally just take something i already like (movie, book, trope, for example: indiana jones) then plug characters into it (ff or otherwise), and then just twist said material until it becomes its own thing. usually the characters will do that themselves. for example. if i inserted sett and talon into a jungle traversing indiana jones au i know just based on their characters that there'd be friction, so we'd already be looking at conflicted allies (since i want them to be allies). but then you ask, how would they even be allies in the first place? logically i decide that they must want the same single objective in order to work together in an uneasy alliance, even if i havent yet figured out what that objective is. that's a start. then i can begin thinking about that dynamic and how itd work and how i can still generate tension. thats how i end up with the idea of them handcuffed together, both fighting over the same objective even tho they both don't get along. that was a really long winded way of me saying that sometimes writing character focused stories/fanfiction can get you bogged up because it's hard to get your character to do something. it can feel like a slog. dunno if you're having that problem or not but sometimes i gotta take a step back and figure out if there's a better way for my character to do things. i try not to force anything and think about how a character would actually approach a situation and then a scene pretty much writes itself. for comparison, my train of thought for building scenes isn't "character Y is going to do xyz and abc." instead it's "these are my goals for character Y, now how do they GET there?" and designing the plot around that. which i guess doesn't' seem like that much of a difference but,, imo it's a big one. maybe that doesn't apply to you, in which case ignore it lksfdjjklfsd.

uhh i know i have other tidbits or crumbs or whatever but this is what i can think of off the top of my head. i know those mucky muddy brain times are such a struggle so maybe something here can help. just know that it'll pass, eventually! whether you take a break, brute force it, fight it, etc. everyone's different, don't be discouraged! and remember that even dogshit on a page is better than nothing. there's no rule saying you can't revise your own stuff 15 hundred bajillion times. good luck anon!

#shx answer #long post #i know i word vomit but i hope it helps dsfjkljkflsdajkflsd #or at least is useful in some way #AHHHGHH feel free to lemme know if something else works im curious okay

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kakashihasibs · 1 year

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Im so curious how you ended up in philosophy! Did you major in it? Ive only really studied it as a hobby but god if i could do college again i would study it in a heartbeat!! Whats some of yout favorite books and philosphers you resonate with?

I started off as a pre-med and bio major! I had college credits in biology already and a lot of experience and knowledge going into biology so my 1st semester i took all general education classes so i could get them done and out of the way!

One of the gen ed class was an introductory class on the western philosophical canon where were started with the Pre-socratics and ended the semester with contemporary philosophers.

Early in the semester we read the republic by Plato and we got to the divided line and i was like 'uh oh i dont think I'm very far along the line D:' (i.e., i was still somewhere in the cave lol).

Before that, zeno's paradoxes kinda blew my mind as well and i had been bugging my professor all semester during his office hours with questions. After the divided line i went to his office to talk about it and he was like, 'just so you know, you are going to end up switching ur major to philosophy.' and i was like i literally have the paperwork to switch my major in my bag right now lol. So i switched my major and that professor was my academic advisor 😌 and i went on to be a huge annoying pain in his ass for the next 5 years but i dont think he minded too much alsjdjdjsk

As for favorite books and philosophers i resonate with, i fall more into the analytic tradition so there's not much resonating. It's all very dry "it is [not] the case that" and "If we define P as [such] then Q blah blah blah"

But i agree with David Hume on a few epistemological things. I fall into the Virtue Ethics camp as opposed to Deontology (Kant) or Utilitarianism (Mill). I fucking love logic :3

I hate bioethics with a passion >:E

I have read French existentialism! So camus, sartre, and de beauvoir! I loved the hell out of Camus and de beauvoir.

Are Prisons Obsolete? By Angela Davis is a must read (<- download link to the free pdf)

Judith Jarvis Thomson's stuff on abortion is amazing and wonderful (may her memory be a blessing).

Philippa Foot is responsible for the trolley problem! But more importantly she is one of the philosophers responsible for contemporary virtue ethics!

I've recently started reading phenomenology so, The Life and Death of Latisha King: A Critical Phenomenology of Transphobia by Gayle Salamon is really good.

There's more but this is getting kinda long ^~^

Oh! I also have a masters in philosophy and politics! And I'm currently working on my writing sample to apply to PhD programs for philosophy. My areas of expertise are ethics (namely virtue ethics but I'm knowledgeable about ethics in general), and social policy (land rights/regulation, water rights, drug regulations)!

#which philosophers do you read? :D #ask #ben replies #long post

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