#and i just. this feels untenable

[soldier-poet-king]

I wanna wear lipstick again and lie in the grass and sun and grow lovely things and not be sad all the time and spend so much of my waking hours getting ready for work+commuting to work+being at work

#this is so whiny of me #i know. i know #i should be grateful #but the commute is just. so wearying #im tired all the time everyday forever #and i just. this feels untenable #and i cant afford to move closer to work #esp not a contract job with uncertainty of future renewals #and i live so far from work. dont have a car. am tired 24/7 #i want to throw out all my clothes and shave my head and tattoo all my skin and start again #once its warm enough to open windows. maybe I'll do kondo to my clothes #be merciless. i hang onto things our of guilt #but im so unhappy with most of my wardrobe #i have a better sense of self now. and how i want to dress #im tired of feeling frumpy but also my mother keeps it at subhuman temps

[compacflt]

some more attempts at the top gun class of 86

#the common 3/4 angle my true nemesis #multiple mavs off to the side that were untenable #managed to make tc look like el*n m*sk. ugh #i feel like w/ everything i can get 90% of the way there but im missing that last 10% ykwim #not exactly right. drives me up the wall #anyway this is how i procrastinate writing my final paper so this is fine #top gun #tom iceman kazansky #ron slider kerner #top gun fanart #u will have to let me know if im the only one who sees young jon stewart in this ice and gavin newsom in this slider #or am i just braininfested #once i have time this summer ill get back into digital art !!!!!

[milkweedman]

forcing myself to "eat protein" and "be responsible" after once again encountering a week long period of all my muscles hurt so bad and are so weak despite doing the same thing they always do assuming without checking that it was probably because im eating mostly coffee and plain untoasted bread in small quantities. and its not even a whey bread or 100% whole wheat, ive been trying to use up my bread flour/whole wheat blend (i dumped them in the bucket together, maybe on accident ? unclear) so its just that with whatever else i threw in. spent $6 on the only yogurt in the store that had at least 5 grams of protein per 1/4 cup, which is still very little, only to get home and finally google what the symptoms of protein deficiency are. they are not that. those are the symptoms of Who Fucking Knows, As Always

#i dont even like yogurt... #god the food situation is so bad #so it turns out i can do one of the following--but badly and it takes more than 100% of my energy and is miserable and untenable long term #and involves injuring myself to do it: school. work. taking care of stuff around the house. taking care of myself. #i can do ONE. #i also dont get to pick because obviously i have to work #so feeding myself (even like making a bowl of cereal or eating a granola bar) is so impossibly difficult that i can only really do it #at night when high and finally able to feel hunger #and even then its still incredibly difficult and i usually get as far as cutting a slice of bread and then giving up and eating it plain #most of the actual meals i eat are because my roommates are usually kind enough to make enough dinner for 3 #but i also have very weird and frequently changing dietary needs that i have not communicated 2 anyone so i cant necessarily actually eat i #have cooked some and made sandwiches a few times but its very clear i am borrowing from tomorrows spoons.... #i ran out of the ensure a bit ago and i will get more although none of the stores nearby sell it #but i absolutely cannot afford to live off it #have luckily found that if i just drink one in the morning it staves off the majority of the nonstop random nausea attacks #so a 12 pack would last a lot longer but then its like. so now i need to figure out the eating thing again #cant win etc etc #augh. anyway. complaining over #disordered eating #chronic illness

[echthr0s]

oftentimes there will be a video or article or whatever that is giving advice about, essentially, how to show up more authentically in the world, and there will inevitably be a bit that is like "don't automatically walk into a space with the thought that you'll be rejected". which, on the surface, yeah -- makes total sense. rejection sensitivity does create a sub/conscious energy that either people pick up on and sub/consciously respond to, or just hamstrings your efforts and stifles your personality and makes you appear to not be interested at all (in which case the other party is the one feeling rejected first, so they're just responding in kind).

okay, great. but here's the thing. the idea is that you have this internal belief about yourself, that you're unloveable or undesireable or boring or whatever it is, and you're expecting that to be reinforced by other people. and what the advice is saying, is to not think that way. except... why do people tend to think that way in the first place? self-rejection is a learned behaviour.

I don't actually think I'm any of those things. I think I'm a fucking delight. but the problem is that my body -- the subconscious processes that really run the show here -- does not recognise that as a truth. my body has plenty of experiential data determining that no matter what I think about myself, other people will invariably be less charitable and far less enthusiastic about me, and will respond accordingly. it doesn't matter what I think. what matters is the evidence -- the "reality" as my body interprets it. frankly, sometimes it seems my body thinks I'm a bit of an idiot and is going "yeah, yeah, you're a delight, sure. anyway, back in the real world,"

I think people really put a lot of stock into "just change your mindset!" without incorporating the reality that there's no amount of affirmations or whatever that's going to override repeatedly being treated as if there's something wrong with you or that you're unfit for relationship. at this point, the best I can do is just be frank about this from the outset -- if you are like most people, you probably won't dig me very much. or at the very least, you'll dig me superficially, but the deep stuff will be off-putting to you. if you are not like most people, you will have to put in quite a bit of effort for me to really see and understand that. this is reality. and if that happens enough times -- more than once, that is -- then maybe my body's story will change. but there will never be a guarantee of that, and I can't expect one. beating my fists against brick walls going "but I am loveable! I do have interpersonal value!" isn't going to convince other people of that. they'll just have to come to that conclusion on their own (or not, as it were).

there's got to be a secret third thing -- not self-abandonment and self-rejection, not magically convincing my brain to somehow deny what it knows to be real, but maybe just accepting life as a complexly traumatised and very strange individual who will always be hard to know and hard to love, and that's not a flaw or a condemnation but it is a disability

#like. cptsd - developmental trauma - relational trauma - that's all disabling. i will never show up in relationships the way i ''should'' #because i can't. that ship has sailed. the more i try to deny that the worse i get #i think this is very easy to overbalance into ''so i'm never going to try ever'' which a lot of people with cptsd do (and that's valid) #but i think i'm at the ''i'm not gonna twist myself into unnatural shapes for it but i'll keep the light on for the possibility'' stage #and likewise it isn't all on me anyway. other people may also never show up in relationship the way i'd like them to #but that's got to be okay. can i live with it? if yes then live with it. is it untenable? then dissolution must occur #but it's not a blame game and there are no martyrs here. it just is what it is. #in the end... there will always be the Configuration. i DO already have the love i want. just not in *this* world. #but at least i have had the immense privilege and fortune to know and feel that deep and profound joy. #allworld's forgotten boy #singularity.txt

[domesticmail]

.

#will be breaking up with my boyfriend soon because this situation is straight-up untenable #and then i guess i'll be moving! #i feel so weird and unhappy but ultimately i think i'll be happier alone #working on myself alone #working on my life alone #because he is just. not conducive to any of it #he rightfully pointed out that i have flaws i need to fix but he also #goes on screaming tirades and ignores me for days #so i feel like ultimately i am justified in leaving. #i know i have issues and i need to work on them and I AM! #if that isn't enough for him that's okay #but it's not okay to oscillate between screaming at me and giving me the silent treatment #i mean my god. #this is not a relationship. #this is me letting myself get berated #and then disrespected #and tbf i've allowed this behavior for two years so he is not entirely to blame #i have had many chances to leave and i've always discarded them because i thought we could work it out #but yeah i've reached the point where i don't think it's work-out-able #i mean he straight up told me our relationship is not important to him and that i'm not important to him #i don't understand how that could possibly be a GOOD thing in a relationship #and i'm honestly a little saddened that i let myself think that was okay for so long #i may have flaws but i'm not abusive or manipulative. i'm just lazy #but i take care of my responsibilities too. #so ultimately i'm just not okay #i'm not okay with any of this and i'm finally okay saying that #it doesn't make him or i bad people #it means we're not compatible and probably haven't been for a long time #i am unhappy here #he is unhappy here

[horce-divorce]

So to be clear tumblr is the only social media i actually bother to use with any regularly, but sometimes you crave variety. For example sometimes going on reddit is a nice distraction, and my feed is all really interesting silly low-investment type posts that i can scroll thru and be entertained by without feeling like i have to engage. and other times it feels exactly like facebook. just suggested post after suggested post that makes me say "god you people are so fucking unbelievably stupid." posts seemingly hand picked to make me so enraged, the exact kind of shit I go online to AVOID.

currently it's recommending me a bunch of posts about "why does America have so much looting?" That have a bunch of responses like, "Because of the crime wave, no one prosecutes shoplifters, people have just noticed its so easy to get a group together on whatsapp, etc" and WHY? It thinks I would want or need these posts? Idfk??? I hang out in r/antiwork and like 3 other main subs about being homeless and random entertainment topics. I don't use reddit for politics or world events. I do NOT get my news from there.

Anyway there was also one recommended thread about "why do rural folk feel looked down upon by city folks?" And all the responses were, "yeah! It's them who are rude to the city people!" And when someone mentioned the lack of resources in rural areas, another person chimed in to say "well I lived in Detroit and now I live in a rural area and we have WAY more food and resources than Detroit does!" But the second anyone brings up, you know, the socioeconomic factors that influence that shit, everyone's like whining and crying bc their little brains can't handle ""bringing race into it."" someone had a different life experience than you?! Pft, sure, and then all the bystanders clapped! 🙄

idk it's like. the more time goes on, the wider economic gaps become, the more obvious it is how effectively people are brainwashed. It's not like the answers to these questions are hidden esoteric mysteries. It's not like people having different, individual experiences in life is new. Even my grandma understands that a) people aren't actually looting that much and b) even if they were, have you bought groceries in the past 3 years? if so, why are you even asking that question?? But you try to actually talk about how bad shits getting and these fuckers go into high gear defending The American Way Of Life and blaming individual choices. Ppl are drinking the Kool aid so hard and they think water is just supposed to fucking taste like that

#me #they put the kool aid in to cover up the taste of lead. #flint still doesnt have clean water. btw. #thats such a perfect example of what im talking about too #for YEARS its been common knowledge that we are poisoning and killing the people of flint (very near detroit fwiw. related topics) #and its like #idk i feel like i meet ppl who assume that bc Everyone Knows About Flint that means that it got fixed or smth #it fucking didnt #doesn't it feel kinda like. w wages and inflation. or covid. or anything else. #we declare oh yeah X is happening! its in the media. heres the numbers. everyones talking about it. finally out in the open. here we go #its in the news cycle for a few weeks and then bam. gone. nothing. #and everyone thinks oh its gone now. i guess its over #covid is still rampant and terrifying but its not on everyones minds anymore so no one wears masks. problem fucking solved am i right #everyone knows inflation is untenable. ceos make 400x workers. rent is all of your income. no one can afford food #we wont change wages tho. and everyone is just like. well if employers dont wanna pay more thats ok. just look harder for work. #just try harder. just work more jobs. just sell your blood in addition to your time body heart and soul. #its like people are hearing 'socioeconomic factors beyond our control influence how we live our lives' and they still go #'but why dont you wanna just buy more money?' #theyre HEARING words but they arent LISTENING #ONE person in that looting threads comments mentioned police brutality. one. #and they shockingly weren't getting downvoted into the negatives but they definitely werent being heard either #i feel like thats the most glaringly obvious one #like the entire world saw our police force going apeshit and they went 'woah are black ppl in america ok?' #and everyone said NO PLEASE HELP #and... nothing fucking changed!!! #everyone supported water protectors that 1 time. but the water protectors in the great lakes region still fighting?? crickets #i dont get it. i dont get it!!!! #in the news: heres 20 current events making life untenable for disenfranchised people #everyone: i dont get it? why are they breaking stuff

[bijoumikhawal]

Florida's passed a law wanting the death penalty for child sex crimes and now everyone's gonna pat themselves on the back and not enough people are gonna think about how kids are hesitant to report already and this'll just make it worse

#Cipher talk #Kids don't report already because their families don't want to damage reputations or because they feel they don't have enough evidence #Or because they've got siblings and know if they report they'll have to go into foster care (at least temporarily) #And there's no guarantee they'll stay together #and fostercare SUCKS A LOT ACTUALLY. When I did my stint the family we were with still beat their kids- specifically the mute kid #And if they report they might be reporting the primary or ONLY breadwinner #If death is on the line the abuser and a lot of other people just have more ammo to shame and silence the victim with #This isn't neatly a victims VS everyone else thing either- I know a few people who are pro death penalty here who are victims #And I get why they're like that and I don't think they should be erased #But I do think their position is untenable #I'm not even getting into the whole. Dead victims can't report thing because I think mother actually might not KNOW what she did #She didn't rape me so it's all a ~gray area~ isn't it. #After all in Europe they're comfortable with family nudity (actual thing she said to me) #And she seems genuinely suprised and confused when I act like a victim in response to her. But then again it also makes her angry #So who knows. Maybe she's just good at lying to herself

[tinystepsforward]

so my paatti (dad's mother) is in new zealand for three months. she's old and ill enough that this will probably be her last trip, and depending whether i end up going with my family back to singapore/malaysia any time soon, possibly the last time i see her.

BUT. for the last few years i've only seen her on video calls run by my dad, on which i've been barred from telling her that i'm gay. or married. and she's getting a bit like "i want to have a great grandchild while i'm still alive" and at 27 as the oldest grandchild i am the only logical target and so she keeps asking why i don't have a boyfriend yet and uh.

the whole thing is wild but dad just asked me if i could video call her. they are at the airport. she just landed in our city. i had to say "no, but if you drive home i will visit you, in person", which was the original fucking plan. so i guess the nonsense is beginning before i even see her lmao

#tony muses #honestly none of this is her fault but i also know she IS quite conservative #and i have no interest in telling her just to start trouble or stress her out #but i also have no interest in being matchmade or nagged about not having a boyfriend you feel #really i'm just fucked off at my dad and his constant string of bad choices that put me in untenable positions #like being a fuckin antivax conspiracy theorist and also pro-conversion therapy but those are whole other things

[bugmistake]

sorry i cant come to the club tonight im autistic and dont drink and i cant be high in public because i start getting scared

#its not even the noise actually bc it reaches a threshold of noise where its like #ohhh its so loud i can feel it all over my body and in all of my organs and thats quite nice honestly #its just like. the amount of people bumping into me is untenable. i cannot handle it #i feel like bert in bert and ernie go to ikea

[youregoingtoeathimwithmyface]

smoking bong in the rain…..word around town is the property management company of the apartment i was signing for is the devil hiself so i decided not to go thru with it

#bay property mangement co in the dmv area…watch the fuk out #fortunately there was one final part of the esign last night i had to wait until this afternoon to have the info to complete #and when i woke up this morning i had this weird urge to check the google reviews again #one of which claimed all were bought and said check yelp….which was horrifying #life threatening maintenance issues left unadressed for weeks/months #(a tenants’ elderly mother almost froze to death and contracted pneumonia ☹️) #with no compensation at all in rent or housing vouchers while dealing w evasive and rude management #who would do everything they could to pin it on them or the (generally absent? as they are using a management company?) property owner #like i even feel for the landlords leaving reviews because this company would just do insane damage to these homes/apartments #thru incompetence and refusal to address maintenance issues #an early lease break would have been 5 months of rent if the place became untenable LOLLLL which was very likely….rlly dodged a bullet #heartbreaking tho because it was perfect and beautiful i would have been living like dracula for real….. #so fucking evil to keep her in their hell

[sunhalf]

made some very minor rules updates! the main one :

i won’t fill out interest checkers or send in rules passwords; it just feels quite formal for what is, to me, a very casual hobby!  if we’re mutuals, I WANT TO WRITE WITH YOU — & as king of pulling AUs out of thin air, there’s almost never a time where i can’t or won’t write with a particular muse.  just assume i’m up for anything & i’ll communicate my boundaries if they come up!

i totally understand the appeal and, especially for folks who can be anxious about approaching others, the comfort of having it in writing that a mutual wants to write before reaching out, but — well, if i didn't want to write with you, i wouldn't be following!! please assume me following is me jumping up and down with glee at the prospect of writing with you. my rules specifically beg mutuals to send me unprompted asks / starters / etc., and that applies to all of you and all your muses! i don't need to know a ton about your muse / their fandom / their world etc to party hard, and some of my favourite dynamics have come about from somebody just chucking a starter at me and being like 'x and y are friends now and here's the starter to prove it.' i am always down, and trust me when i say that if there was a muse on your blog i simply Could Not Stand To See Or Write With the chances of me following you in the first place are ~ 1%

#anyway i love being loosey goosey w all things rp. plot. characterization. shipping! its all for fun #TBH while total strangers should run romantic shipping by me before jumping in if we've chatted at all #and u wanna throw me a starter that assumes our muses have been besties for 6 years / are exes / once killed a guy together #party hard. go crazy. i think its fun!!! #and if we're friends just straight up forceship w me i dont care GHKFLDSHGDHKSHKFDHKS #write me a starter that begins 'after 6 months of flirting' ill get w the program #its all just a good time babyyyyyyyyy #bringing it back 2 the actual rules update djslghfksgdf sorry i got off track #its 100% fine also if this feels untenable 2 u!!! if that rule makes u uncomfy (or any of my rules do!) that is so so so fine #neither of us are jerks we just have different ways of approaching rp and that is a-okay!!! i wish u so much luck and joy #and i also wish myself those things! #mutual checkers sorta remind me of the uh....what were they called. the like forever starter calls? #'like this if i can always send u memes/write u starters' #cos i was just like 'is that not what being mutuals means'

[paeinovis]

I just think it should be illegal for gallons of blood to leave my body and have to act like it's normal

#text #paersonal #good CHRIST having to take the sugar pill week of BC and it's like Carrie up in this bitch #like I'm not OFF of bc entirely and it's so bad ??? #even after I lost like. a significant amount of weight???? #untenable I'm never having children I want my uterus gone not even joking #like how is there not a permanent way to remove periods but keep the hormone part going jfc #like it's been said but if cis men had periods they'd have Solved Em five centuries ago lmao #bc the way we deal with em now is umm about the exact same as it has been for human history #and then the new medicines don't work or stop working or cause a billion cancer or are intrusive and painful #or look and feel like medieval torture devices lmfao #im just sick of it !!!!!!!

[soldier-poet-king]

Why does thinking even the littlest about [redacted] make me feel absolutely unhinged and coming apart at the seams....I am at WORK trying to be FUNCTIONAL

#franposting #there is most definitely smthn wrong with me. probably many things #i cant even do anything about it. its just. thinking about [handful pieces of media] and intimately personal characters themes and feelings #and i just. hm. HM #i woke up so tired and sleep deprived bc insomnia yesterday #and i was like oh no way am i making the gym in this state #and now im like. oh i am CLAWING at the walls with repressed violence and anxiety #and im not ALLOWED to be self destructive. im supposed to have healthy outlets or whatever. smh. #what if i want to destroy things and also myself to either feel properly alive or die tho. the status quo is UNTENABLE #oh john darnielle style reckless spite-joy we're rlly in it now

[pollen]

i miss my boyfriend so much. this SUCKS

#i’m going to pennsylvania sometime in the next couple weeks but that doesn’t fix it #we’ve spend like six hours a day on the phone or on facetime #and it’s tough bc neither of us are doing super well right now and i just wanna be with him already #and we’re both realizing the distance has to end like it’s untenable and such a strain ughhhh #and i’ll move there probably. just gotta figure work out first -_- i miss having like. a good salary #i miss being able to afford anything. like please bring me back for more work. i want my full time job back. i’m so angry #and betrayed feeling. i don’t wanna have to find another job but i will. yknow #we've spend -_- my brain wanted we've spent and we'll spend

[taahko]

every so often im struck by the memory of one of my college professors getting very angry with our class (art history of pompeii 250) because when she excitedly detailed the ingenious roman invention of heated floors in bathhouses via hearths in small crawlspaces, we asked who was tending the fires. she said "oh, slaves i suppose. but that isnt the point". and we said that it actually very much was the point. she had just told us that in roman society there were dozens of people, maybe hundreds, who spent every day of their enslaved lives crawling in cramped, hot, smoky tunnels to light fires to warm pools of water (which they were not allowed to swim in). how could that not be the point?

she wanted us to focus on the art, on the innovation of heated plumbing, on the tiles and decorations of the bathhouses, and all we wanted to do was learn more about the people under the floors. and she didn't know anything more about that. in fact, she said she thought we were focusing too much on superfluous details.

it feels almost hokey to put too fine a point on the idea im getting at here but i will anyway: There are a lot of people who are still under the floors. all these beautiful, convenient, brilliant innovations of modern society (think fast fashion, chatgpt, uber, doordash) are still powered by people working in inhumane, untenable conditions.

the people who run these systems want you to focus on the good - who doesnt love warm water? - but if anything is going to improve or change in our lifetimes, you need to examine these things with an attentive, critical, and empathetic eye. and for fucks sake stop ordering from amazon

#shut up aggie

[pentanguine]

The appeal of a hysterectomy grows by the day

#personal #i honestly do not mind my period from a gendered perspective #it’s like having migraines #sometimes i have debilitating headaches and i manage them; sometimes my genitals hemorrhage blood and i manage it; same difference #but the amount of blood loss is getting untenable #i have dutifully taken my iron supplements and been eating a fuck ton of burgers and spinach and i’m still so tired and light-headed #i have a constant low-level headache and i can’t focus because i feel so exhausted #this is likely because i am losing 60 ml of blood a DAY instead of over the course of the entire week #which is apparently what most people experience #anyway i did very much want a hysterectomy when i was a teenager and did some semi-serious research into it #and now i’m like… ‘oh yeah i could actually just do that’ #that’s a choice that is open to me #why suffer needlessly you know?