#and honestly im more upset about that then the thumbnails

[biblicallyaccuratecanine]

wasnt the general consensus not to even talk about early access before the video went public?? like what are you idiots doing??

#꩜ canine woofs #redacted audio #redacted asmr #this isnt just about the thumbnail thing btw #you guys have been frustrating me with talking about laskos mew audio too #and honestly im more upset about that then the thumbnails #think before you post

[noisolpxe]

left - 01/08/24, right - 01/14/24

almost one week of nail growth, a bit of grooming in between these images so they're slightly different shapes (squared vs rounded) .... it's been about a month now but i wanted to share my progress of growth in just the past week!

more thoughts below the cut

just to start this off i wanna say i've been a chronic nail biter for as long as i can remember, it's something that went hand in hand with my anxiety & adhd — both my mom and stepdad also bite their nails too so i grew up around it (along with being shamed and scolded my entire life by those same people for biting my nails)

i'm very proud of the progress i've made so far, considering i started really working towards not biting my nails on dec 18 2023 ... it's now jan 14 2024, so it's been about a month of this journey trying to stop biting my nails

i don't have any advice to how i stopped biting my nails to anyone who's trying to stop, other than just. holding myself accountable and redirecting my energy towards other things. also being okay with catching myself wanting to bite my nails - such as putting my fingertips in my mouth and feeling the nails with my teeth but not biting down - i try very hard not to shame myself or be upset with myself because habits are Very hard to break. and earlier in this journey (first week or so) when i did end up biting my nails and having to start from scratch, i tried to stay positive about my progress and will continue to do so if i slip up again, yknow?

anyways. some things i've noticed since my nails are now longer than they've ever been in my life:

1. shit gets caught under my nails constantly!! this is why painting my nails black is good cuz it helps me not obsess and pick at them (don't worry, i groom very regularly so my nails Are Clean)

2. my nail beds need a lot more time to fully heal and that's okay! also, everyone's nail beds aren't 'perfect' or all symmetrical, and there's no need to obsess over "how" my nails are growing in, it's better to appreciate that they're healthy now and getting healthier by the day

3. there's certain little joys i find for myself as my nails have gotten longer - one of the main ones is that sometimes when i type on my phone now i can hear my right thumbnail clacking against the screen. i never thought i'd be to this point, but now it's an everyday occurrence!! also, being able to scratch my husband's back for real is so affirming - i actually have to be careful when scratching myself not to go too hard now, too, cuz there's nails and not just my fingertips digging into skin!

okay this is starting to get kind of rambly and honestly is mostly for myself to come back to as i continue my journey of trying to break the habit of biting my nails. i just wanna finish off by saying again that i am very proud of myself for the progress i've made so far and i'm excited to be able to look back at this post and see how much further i've come.

idk how to end this so. here's some more pics courtesy of my husband. im gonna go paint my nails again

#★

[nanjokei]

ok heres what ive been thinking of recently

honestly its just raw emotion, i dont really mean to upset anyone or say that they're consuming anything wrong. i'll try to word things as carefully as possible (or ill mince meat as much as possible idk) because i really do not like when people assume ill intent in my words just because i use blunt language at times. (sorry its just how i talk. im not mad at you. im not yelling at you online)

but honestly i have had a long thought about it.

i'm incredibly tired of the lack of curiousity a lot of new vocaloid fans have towards the culture.

statements like "boomers expect me to know songs from 2007" or whatever. i mean, no, no one is Expecting anything from you, that is absolutely a strawman you have invented based on someone merely being surprised (often in jest even), but it's also like. you, who actively identify yourself as a big fan, have never even thought to look back? there are so many playlists and medleys you can consult. it is a few searches away, i don't care. you are not five years old. and if you feel lost you can always ask people there are always so many people just waiting to introduce someone to even one or two old songs they like.

like is it bad that i think you should be a little more passionate if you consider yourself a geek?

what is wrong with me being surprised if you don't know sakura no ame or saihate or whatever. what is wrong with me thinking that it's weird that even with the biggest producers in the world, you have 0 curiousity to look into their old works?

it's not me being old and cranky, i just think it's a little bad and disrespectful that a lot of new fans just see older songs as inherently worse or not worth their time and use them as a strawman to invent some kind of boomer boogeyman who is going after them for not knowing shiningray or celluloid or ikelenka or whatever. even though honestly you should know them. even if you only listen to it once and decide you don't like it, or hell even just know they exist without listening.

like, songs with millions of views on nnd, i want you to at least familiarize yourself, especially if the producers are still active! at the very least!

whats wrong with me wanting people to enjoy amazing music that built up an entire subculture? made by passionate people who didn't even know the scene could last as long as it did? what's wrong with wanting to share my love with another generation?

i'm not denying that there may be outliers who are rude to other fans, but come the fuck on, stop acting coy about it. you should at least be able to recognize one of either the title, sound or thumbnail of the top 100 songs from 2009. not even KNOW them, just recognize, like is that too much to ask?

like, it's something i personally struggle to understand in general when it comes to interests i'm passionate about. i'm not a pushy person by the way, i don't go around heckling people not even as a joke, so i am not even letting anyone put me in the box of "probably acted pushy and didn't realize and is now mad at the other party". like, this is not directed at casual fans. i am just thinking stuff like "why are you hostile towards the idea of learning more about your interest?" and "why are you hostile towards passionate people who want more people to get into what they like?" and "why pigeonhole yourself? learning more means more fun for you."

because what bothers me the most is that eventually it turns into accusations of "gatekeeping" and "elitism" if anyone voiced their opinion about things. i know how im wording it makes it sound like it personally happened to me but it hasn't it is just what i have observed over the years as someone who gets super into stuff and tries to immerse myself and sees other people get into fights whether its the """elitist""" or the """casual""".

why is it like this? i cannot see why wanting to share is elitism or gatekeeping. maybe elitism sure if the other party feels like they're being targeted for no reason (and im not saying it does not happen). but gatekeeping? why is it gatekeeping? wanting to share what you like with others is gatekeeping? isn't that if you told people NOT to get into it and hid it away?

like, im saying it properly so no one misconstrues what i am saying, but i understand not everyone wants or has the energy to become a big fan of something. there are so many things where i am a very casual fan!! but even then i respect the thing i am into by also acknowledging its history at the very least even if i might not ever play/watch/read/etc all of it or at all.

so like... is it bad? is it bad that i think others should have this respect too? i know this is an issue of low empathy or whatever. i have to run around in circles to understand others. i "get" it, but im also like, why cant they be like me? so i want you to know in no uncertain terms that I GET IT. I GET PEOPLE'S POSITIONS HERE. i have been thinking about this general topic my entire life

so in the end it just turned into a general sort of thing. but yeah, i don't understand why people get so defensive and act so persecuted. am i wrong in my point of view? am i just being an elitist after all? like i simply see it as "i want people to enjoy it too."

like, i thought about this stuff after seeing how passionate ado is about vocaloid. like, she is only 21 years old. she is as old as or slightly older than many new fans (though she had liked vocaloid since elementary school). she is the biggest pop star in japan right now and yet her passion has not waned. not to mention so many younger fans that do have that curiousity too. i used to think its not possible, but i see them in the YT comments, going "im 16 but i really like this era of music" and such.

like, please just open your heart. ignore the boogeymen you're hallucinating and just enjoy slowly... it doesn't have to be a study session. naturally you will just discover more songs you like from those eras

#rambles

[mokutone]

sorry if this is random but i was just curious about your thoughts on sai? i know you have a lot of thoughts on yamato fhdjdlfn and his and yamato’s relationship always seemed so interesting and really underdeveloped :[ theyre both really similar but yamato was able to get out of ROOT before sai was, and i was just wondering if you had any thoughts on that/him to share. sorry if this is weird or out of the blue djshfkfj love your art!!

that's not weird at all!!! actually the day u sent this question in i had finalized the thumbnails (and started on the pencils!) for a comic wherein Yamato comments on how Sai is handling his transition out of ROOT differently than Yamato himself did! I don't want to lay all my thoughts on that out here, because I think i'm much more clumsy with textposts than with comics, but I appreciate the question and I will share some thoughts!

under a readmore tho bc. this got Long...comics force me to be concise but w/ a keyboard under my hands i just chatter

here's something I've been thinking abt! I think they had fundamentally different experiences in ROOT, and this is reflected in their attitudes towards Danzō, as well as the way they interact with the people outside of ROOT.

Sai seems to have no real loyalty to Danzō. He does what Danzō says because Danzō gives him his orders, when he practices his fake smile in front of Danzō, Danzō immediately tells him to cut that shit out. I don't think there's a lot of love lost there—when team Kakashi catches up to him in orochimaru's hideout, and they kind of confront him, and. also kind of. "give him the option" of abandoning his mission (and ROOT along with it) or. you know. facing shinobi consequences. he doesn't really seem to think much of it? honestly. i imagine he was probably a little more relieved than anything else. Add to that him remembering how he wanted to finish the drawing of his brother—

actually wait hang on thats another point I want to talk about. Sai was pitted against the person he was closest to in order to traumatize him into numbness! wack! I think that's kind of at the root (help.) of why I see him as a fundamentally angrier character than I see Yamato—and why I interpret some of his behavior not just as Not Knowing How People Work (although he does have trouble with this! it's a very different vibe. like. him trying to comfort Naruto and Naruto thinking Sai was coming onto him was an entirely different kind of situation) but as like. intentionally inflammatory sometimes...like. he's insulted the bodies of most of the people around him in one way or another, he knows it pisses them off, he does keep doing it. I think him Causing Problems On Purpose is sometimes just a way for him to try and experience catharsis for a fury he doesn't really know he's repressing. Like. idk. it's one thing to be forced to hurt yourself, that's deeply upsetting, disembodying, traumatizing, but it's another to be forced into a situation where you're to hurt somebody you love (regardless of the outcome) like. idk. its a kind of powerlessness that hits different at least ime, and frustration and resentment are extremely normal reactions to a situation like that. i think. a number of things could be appealing to him abt trying to get others to get angry at him—whether it's Him being the one to Cause another persons anger (which could confer a kind of. feeling of control) or him seeing himself reflected in their anger (like a "boy howdy i recognize this emotion. it's very clear. very understandable") or even seeing how they handle the anger. kishimoto definitely doesn't care nearly as much about Sai's anger. but i found the implication of it compelling as a kid, and I find it more compelling as an adult! anger can be an incredibly healing and protective force sometimes when dealing w/ trauma...and I wish kishimoto knew what he was writing about or that we got to see it explored more!!! ack!

yamato (as kinoe) had a wildly different experience when he was in ROOT.

we know he knew how to fight against sharingan, which. I think implies he was training in combat with Danzō, or that he worked closely with Danzō, or at the very least that Danzō used his sharingan on him. We also saw that (unlike Sai, who was rebuked for even fake-smiling) that Kinoe (at first) was not told to feel nothing, but instead instructed on how to feel by Danzō specifically. Like, mostly telling him to Feel Grateful etc, but I think him being told to experience specific feelings according to what Danzō thought was appropriate would lead to a different relationship with his emotions than Sai, who was told explicitly to repress them all at all times, and to not even attempt to preform them.

He also like. Thought. Highly. of Danzō, not just as a leader but as a person...it's kind of undeniable that Kinoe saw him as right, was willing to brand his own feelings and intuition wrong if it crossed Danzō's, openly sought Danzō's approval, when he fails his mission to secure Kakashi's eye, his reaction is. essentially immediately to return himself to Danzō to face whatever new dehumanization Danzō's got for him— even when Kakashi and Hiruzen drag him out of there he thanks Danzō for everything, and he seems genuine about it, despite. everything. He's more expressive than Sai for sure, He had like. a moment of anger, when he said that he wanted to be Tenzō, and Danzō denied him that basic self identification...but it's quickly squashed. Messy. Messy. I think. I think he has a little more trouble getting in touch w/ his anger than Sai bc of his emotional closeness to Danzō.

i think. because yamato knows that he was something more like Danzō's favorite, and that conveyed a vastly different experience than Sai's, he might feel a little complicated about being like "So...ROOT trauma, huh? Hell of a thing!" but. i also like to think that he's very quietly kind of trying to observe and support in a way which mostly allows Sai to figure himself out—I think when they are older they would probably talk about it more (also because then their tongue-seals will have finally disappeared. Thanks sasuke!), once Sai has close friends in the village and everything

Just a lot of like. "I have friendships down. I have teammates down, easily—but what am I to the old woman I buy my cabbages from. What degree of friendliness do I exhibit to her."

"I think...whatever you're comfortable with is fine. I know neither of us had particularly normal upbringings, but you don't have to execute every interaction perfectly for people to care about and respect you."

anyway god this is so long and soooo based in my own personal HCs. I hope there was something in here that was interesting to you!

#artagans #yamswers #sai #sai yamanaka #he was my favorite character as a kid and the only character i actually remember #as a ND kid i obviously definitely related to the social issues. also he had a crop top and was a bit of an asshole #so i was like fuck yeah this guy rules and he DOES and i still love him a lot #also. sakura and naruto are really good influences on him i think and contribute to him learning quickly #both of them have such BIG feelings #and also are quick to say ''HEY the way I'm being treated SUCKS and I've HAD IT!!!!'' #which is really good for sai to witness and experience #they both also like. are quick to express anger but its very healthy...they set boundaries #and they also like. clearly know he's having trouble with some things and forgive him the small stuff #idk i have a lot of feelings abt his relationship to the other team seven kids. its nice... #all of this under the disclaimer that like. this is only my experience of sai and naruto #even if kishimoto WERENT an incredibly inconsistent writer (which he is) my interpretation is not gonna be to everyones taste

[homeofhousechickens]

ive been having a really tough time with art lately. im afraid my art will never improve and that art will continue to just.... make me angry and upset and sad until i just fucking give up on it.

Art should be a fun hobby or past time and not something that causes you pain is how i think of it.

Its taken me a while to respond to this because i really wanted to get across what i really felt about it.

Why are you frustrated with your art? Are you upset it isnt the same as your peers or what you see online? Alot of times when people have these issues its usually because of needlessly comparing their art to other peoples art OR comparing where they think other people think there art should be. Are you not making the art you want to make?

Lets say you have been doing art for 5 years or more and still struggle with the fundamentals, that doesnt mean your art is less valid or you aren't improving in any way.

The act of creation is something to be enjoyed.

Now sometimes the fustration comes from place of not having structure or a guide or even a goal. Sometimes its something thats in your environment thats holding you back from enjoying your art. Maybe a needlessly criticizing friend or unsupportive family is whats compounding the issue but its important to always remember that its YOU making the art and your the one you really want to please. Even when doing a commission the first critic isnt your client but yourself after all.

If i can give any advice if your really fustrated with your progress its to do some sketching every single day and do not share it anywhere. In pen traditionally is best because you have to learn to live with and adapt to mistakes. If your someone who needs other humans to be held accountable an art group where you do art together can be a tremendous help.

Maybe try to finish a small piece daily as well but sometimes our emotions and energy just arent there everyday and its okay but do try to do something everyday. Dont stress about it, it can be a doodle of chair or a pretty eye the sode of your thumbnail. On days when you want to learn something look up lessons (for example the law of thirds) and practice them intill your bored and move onto to something new. Come back to stuff you have "learned" every now an again and do prompts related to it. Whens the last time you did a shape excercise where you just draw squares, circles, and triangles?

There is no time limit for learning and doing art.

Art is something us humans have been joyfully doing for thousands of years in all kinds of formats and medias.

I honestly think that our modern times have put alot of strain and expectations on new and budding artists especially with the creation of social media so its not your fault for feeling this way but it is important to move away from that kind of thinking for a positive impact on your art and yourself

#i think this was a fears ask but it sounds like a vent #hopefully my advice can help even if it can sound a little harsh #it comes from a place of love

[roseworth]

you thought i was done? you fool

i am very upset that the Dark Prince Eugene plot line was basically forgotten about. i remember watching destinies collide for the first time and eugene found out he was a prince i was so excited bc omg??? its so crazy and cool and i was hoping the show would do a lot with that

but. they did not.

the last time we hear anything about him technically being a prince is the line in destinies collide when he goes "thumbnail: im a prince. probably." then its never brought up again. we do get more edmund, which is cool, but nothing about either of them being royalty (other than people calling edmund "your majesty"). the idea of him being a prince is completely forgotten, along with fitzmom, but ill get to her in a sec.

there was so much potential for eugene being a prince! ive seen some posts about theories people made before season three and its just so disappointing to look at them and realize that none of it happened. imagine if we got dark kingdom history and how it relates to eugene! or if we got any plot line surrounding eugene as the dark prince! that would have been so cool for his character and his arc to need to come to terms with the fact that hes actually royalty and hes part of this bloodline sworn to protect the moonstone

dont get me wrong, i love that he chooses to trust rapunzel in destinies collide. he realizes that he cares about her and her safety, but wont stand in her way. i love it! but i wish we had more about what it meant to him that he knows his heritage now and he realizes that his family now (rapunzel, lance, etc) is more important than his birth family.

also think about how literally nothing would change if he wasnt a prince. i like the meaning of how the lost prince and the lost princess found each other (🥰) but it was never brought up again. if edmund was just a random dark kingdom knight instead of the king, it wouldnt change a single thing. why even bother making him a prince if you dont do anything with it?

honestly, everything about the dark kingdom was completely ignored. they didnt give us any information about what the dark kingdom really was until destinies collide, then never again after that. they even set up an important plot point regarding the dark kingdom with quirin's note, but that was tossed aside too. rewatching that part of qfad is always weird because quirin has such a strong scene when he's alone and looking through his dark kingdom things, and the audience is like "wow i cant wait until we learn more about his past!" and then we dont learn anything other than that the dark kingdom exists and he used to live there. they even took the time to highlight that he was writing a note to varian, assumedly with information about the dark kingdom, then that didnt happen.

we get no information about what the dark kingdom used to be other than that they were protecting the moonstone. and the mind trap just... exists. for no reason. they dont bring it up until halfway through season 3 and they dont give an explanation as to why it exists in the first place (or why it was at the spire and not IN the dark kingdom?) there are a lot of holes to fill in when it comes to dark kingdom history, which is very sad because finding out more about where eugene came from would have been so cool :(

and fitzmom! the way she was treated shows a lot of the problems in the show, but im just gonna focus on how it shows the mistreatment of the dark kingdom. basically, she had plenty of potential. shes eugenes mom, she died because of the moonstone, anything could happen, right? then she didnt even get a name, and she was never mentioned after destinies collide. we didnt get to see her at all outside of that one picture. but the moonstone and the dark kingdom are a huge part of the show, and she lived in the dark kingdom and was killed by the moonstone, so it would make sense if they talked more about what happened to her. but instead they just forgot about her?? we dont even know HOW she died other than that is was related to the moonstone.

but going back to eugene, we barely get to see how finding out about his mom then finding out she died because of the stone that rapunzel is about to grab affects him. hes sad for a little bit, then after he talks to pascal suddenly all his feelings about it go away. i feel like asking for her to be mentioned more than once throughout the whole show should be the bare minimum, but we dont even get that.

this is already a lot longer than i thought it would be so im gonna stop, but i just want to say that i wish we got more canon dark kingdom content. the fact that the dark kingdom wasnt really even talked about in season 3 until the very end when edmund and the brotherhood went back is really sad. and along with that, a major part of eugenes backstory was forgotten about because the dark kingdom was ignored.

tl;dr: eugene as the dark prince should have been talked about more in canon. the dark kingdom as a whole was ignored and it's sad because there is so much heritage surrounding it, and the moonstone is the reason the whole plot of the show is happening.

#also varian!! he has dark kingdom heritage too that they never talk about :( #you would think that after the whole show puts so much importance on birth families that they would mention the characters that came from t #it just makes me sad. there was so much potential in the dark prince eugene plot line that was completely forgotten about #anyways this is a long way of asking for everyone to please send every single dark prince eugene fic you've ever read to me #tangled #negativity

[golbrocklovely]

Elton overused their face on his thumbnails, especially Colbys. He started bitching (and no im not exaggerating) when they stopped filming with him and fans kept asking for them all the time. They did the whole Halloween sponsorship with bumble at the Queen Mary Ship and the views were huge, his Alaska series came right after and eventhough he claimed he didnt do it for views, tell me why he bitched and complained that it was his worst series to date eventhough each vid was getting 200k+ views. Then it was like he was pulling straws as far as content goes and tried doing Send It City when another youtuber had been doing the exact concept and credited Jackass as influence..those guys were even on the news. He did all these extreme challenges, brought on the vlog squad guys, jake webber and Tara, literally anyone to get his views up. The boys decide to do a bucket list before they turn 25 and suddenly he remembers what his initial content was and decides to claim he's being copied when he hadnt done that type of stuff in so long.

The kicker for me was when he not only decided to explore abandoned buildings and throw his hat into paranormal but he went to Cerro Gordo...why...honestly why...then the biltmore and made a jab about not needing the presidential suite. Then recently went to the same six flags they went to years ago but has the audacity to claim they do everything he does a few months later. He's the biggest troll. Never comes up with an actual concept on his own its either do extreme vlogs like Dobrik, extreme videos like CaseyNeistat or Jackass, or try to do a reality show like Kian N JC.

yeah i remember when all that happened. that's when i started to like elton less and less. i understand getting upset at your artwork not getting enough acclaim for your liking, but... when you're an influencer, there is a certain level of self-awareness that you need to have to know that if you are complaining about your videos that usually get 3-4 mil are now only getting 1 mil.... you sound privileged as hell. not to mention the amount of travelling he gets to do on the daily, and is literally paid to travel...

to famously quote kourtney kardasian: 'there are ppl that are literally dying, kim.'

that being said, i think if you plan out a whole trip and things go south, and then on top of it the content you made doesn't get paid enough attention, i know that can hurt and make you feel bad. but if you do that with every trip, either you are nitpicking too much or something is off with you mentally.

and i just feel like elton is upset that sam and colby are doing something similar that he used to/is doing, and they are succeeding, and that upsets him. snc are pulling numbers and engagement that he doesn't get all the time, and that pisses him off.

instead of being happy for his friends' success, he's upset that that isn't him, and that he deserves it more than them.

it's just overall gross behavior.

and don't even get me started on him going to all these places after snc, especially cerro gordo.

#ask #personal #sam and colby #elton castee

[aceldrake]

Why wont he love me?

Im standing in the kitchen. My back is straight, and I'm chewing on my thumbnail. I do that a lot, chew on my nail until I bleed. The sting is a distraction. A small distraction. nothing can dull out the sense of dread that spreads through my entire body. numbing my nerve endings. This happens every day, at a half past 4 .Me standing in the kitchen trying not to panic. Because it means I have one hour. 60 minuets to myself before he pulls into the driveway. 60 minuets before the garage door hums into life and begins its slow decent upwards. 60 mins before he walks across the garage, opens the door and steps into the house. Our house...No. His house. It's his. Everything is his. He doesnt allow me to stake claim to anything. Everything is his. 60 mins to enjoy the calm and peace. 60 mins left of the kids being happy and content. 1 hour of pain free, anxiety free, solitude. 1 hour before my husband come's home. I hate it when he's home. He's tired and annoyed, and if I dont have a hot meal on the table....and I wont...hes going to be angry. He's always angry. I think my mere presence pisses him off. The way I look, or maybe the way I don't look...shit. I knew he'd notice the 3 pounds I put on over the holiday's... the way I talk...he hates me. I dont know why. I cant figure out why he cant stand me. I'm his wife, shouldn't he love me? take care of me? protect me? But he doesn't. hes the most painful part of my life. He gets off on hurting me. And I deserve it, I think? Im not sure, Honestly. He says I do but he never tells me WHY I deserve it. Just that I do and ive just started believing it. Maybe its true, maybe its not. but there is no point in arguing with him about it. That just makes him even more upset, which just makes it hurt that much more. Better to just clench my teeth take it and pretend it didnt happen. Bruises fade, bones heal. Cuts and scrapes scab over and eventually disappear. The scars hes left...at least the physical ones...are easy enough to tuck out of site. The lies I tell myself and others flow freely from my tongue, and eventually I can convince myself that they are, in fact, truths. I love him, thats all that matters, right? Thats the only thing that is important. I love him. I've always loved him. I can love enough for the both of us. My affection and constant, unwavering loyalty makes up for everything. I'ts my fault. I should have hugged him tighter. Kissed him harder, deeper. With more passion. I shouldn't have faked that orgasm...or at the very least, I should have been more convincing. It's my body, not his performance thats the problem. He's good in bed...amazing. Hes never not been able to satisfy his partner....its my fault. Silly me, of course its my fault.

A toddlers shriek of excitement makes me jump. I glance at the clock...five thirty...my mouth goes dry. Oh god. Hes home. I stare out the front window and my blood goes cold. His red car is in the driveway. Hes still seated in the drivers seat, head bent. Hes on his phone, probably telling Her to give him a few personal minuets and then , Yes. She can come over. At least when shes here he only hurts me with his words. Thats a small comfort. Im frantically hurrying around the living room, trying to clean, trying to tidy up the mess the babies have left in the living room. Stupid. How could I lose track of time. The house has to be clean before hes home. Its a requirement. His requirement. The door opens. I freeze. I hear him scuff.  He takes off his cover. His boots....Pulls his belt out of the loops and toss it over the arm of the couch. The same routine every day. Come in. Strip in the laundry room, so his uniform can be freshly washed before work the next morning. I remain in the front room, still on my knees, hand froze over the toy bin.

Hes mad. Hes pissed. I can hear it in the way hes banging around the laundry room. Is he mad at me, or was work just particularly rough today...Ether way, im paying the price for it. I quickly take stock of my body....flexing muscles. Legs are sore...left arm fine. Right arm still throbbing from two days ago. My head will probably be fine, but I guess it depends on how rough he is. Maybe a concussion or hopefully, if im lucky, it will just be ringing in my ears and a headache. I take a deep breath and stand. My hands fist nervously at my side.

I walk around the corner and my words die in my throat. The expression on his face says everything. He glares at me and goes to the fridge, opens it, and pulls out a beer. My blood is ice inside my veins. White noise in my ears. I turn, grab my babies and hurry them upstairs. My hands shake and I drop the ROKU remote twice before I can get the TV working and a cartoon playing. I raise the volume as high as their little ears can handle, and hope that its loud enough. I kiss their sweet, innocent little faces, my lips tremble but I fight back the rising panic. I close the door behind me, swear under my breath when I hear my sons soft voice cry out in protest and his sister plead with me to stay. I close my eyes and bite down on my lower lip. I hate doing it, but it has to be done. For their safety. I lock the door. Effectively sealing them inside the master bedroom. If they are locked behind a door, they wont see it. They wont see what I know is about to happen. They wont get in the way, and he wont hurt them. I dont think he would ever intentionally hurt them, but accidents happen and I'm not willing to take that risk. I would never really know if it was an accident or not. Cant risk that.  I stand at the top of the stairs. I force my mouth into a smile and make my legs move. My home is a nightmare. My husband hates me. And I dont know why.

#domesticviolence #spousalabuse #panic #pain #fear

[kosmicdream]

Hi I’m Kosmic. I draw webcomics and my webcomics are really long sprawling huge cast ones that will go on for years and they’re non linear and all this stuff that makes ppls heads spin when they try to explain wtf they’re about. I ask myself this question a lot: How the fuck do I maintain this motivation for continuing projects that are honestly, probably bigger than i can possibly feasibly create??? How do i avoid swallowed up by anxiety of my own creations???? is that energy going to run out at any time? should i be worried?? Well! For some reason I... don’t? like i get winded sometimes but in the end, I actually quite like what i do and I don’t care that it takes literally years to make my stories. but when I step back and look at it objectively it does make me scratch my head and wonder how i came to be in this situation. So, sometimes i  try and write a few things that help me with understanding my own process, for whatever reason. Or at least I’ll TRY to articulate some of the things i seem to tell myself again and again that help me feel very comfortable with my writing/creating process. So if you want an insight into tips that i give myself.. this is that! 

TIP #1 - Everything you Plan will take longer than you planned, but you can make it easier by unexpectedly including information you might have otherwise withheld.

Secrets are cool in your stories. I have so many of them, but I also understand that they’re much more fun to share than to always keep locked up and out of knowledge. I often overshare to the point where ‘info dumping’ happens which is often considered an unattractive quality in comics. But IDM it so much because my comics just need to be drawn and you can’t glorify and hold every flaw over your shoulders when in the end its not going to be that big of a deal. I think its better to give out more information than finding reasons to bend around a story to avoid revealing things. I feel it might even be more obvious if you attempt to do that.

Also, I feel that everything planned in a story can happen quite quickly, and feel much shorter than actually drawing it. Even with the experience ive gained, i still am surprised just by how much i must throw out to make my long scenes shorter and snappier. even then, they are still really long scenes. I don’t mind doing this, I like to make my stories this way- but ive also designed my comic to serve this pace by making my pages less intensive physically to make. I’m not going to go in depth about this as ive already discussed this many times before, but I do think its important to understand that generally, a commitment to a comic is going to be bigger and longer than it appears in your mind or even on paper as a script or thumbnails.

(my comic eggshells, for example, was originally going to be 340ish pages long. but back then, my pacing was much different-- and my pages were generally twice as wide with around 15 panels per page..sometimes more. but i would over-render and make them hard to read, and now i draw very few panels per page and my comics are much ‘longer’ in page count.)

TIP #2

-Accept that your ideas are bigger than what you can draw and enjoy the private context and history of your work without feeling like its less accomplished for not being all out there. Validate yourself but also understand that your readers are not going to understand the depth from your perspective and they will be engaging with the view they’ve been exposed to.

This is kind of a complicated one but I think that its both humbling to accept your work as this multi layered experiences of contradicting perspectives.. theres the planning and your engagement with the goals, the work of translating your creation to others and the vulnerable exposure of these ideas to the audience. As the creator, you get to see things in a very unique way that no one else can but... the one feeling you will never get to see is the audience who has no idea what will happen next. You can anticipate it, but in the end its so vast and unpredictable that it will be impossible to judge what they ALL will FEEL and sometimes? their perceptions can alter your own enjoyment of your work. I guarantee it will change it in SOME way.. that’s part of the sacrifice.

TIP #3

-Allowing change, flexibility and growth into your series- and letting go of control over all facets of it.

As time goes on things just change. Its hard to accommodate or prepare for that kind of investment in your work when you feel like you havent even gotten through the starting gates of your story. Comics are particularly difficult for that because once you draw a thing, it takes time to edit and you cant really undo and go back. Each panel informs and builds on the next. You have to use what’s there and figure out how it can be a structure for the future.

Accepting the past that has helped create the situation and platform of your comic in the present, which will lead into the future. Personally, i’m not a fan of retconing* certain decisions that have been already made into the canon-- however, i think if a new conclusion or idea is discovered in the process of writing and it works to include because it creates a new and alive energy in the work that will help push it to the next stage.. i think that’s very helpful and useful for sustaining the growth and motivation in a story. Making choices like this can be tricky, however, but even small ones can give a lot of natural growth and flexibility in the comic. The problem can often come with letting go of that unseen, unrealized version we had intended. I know for myself, i can get very nostalgically attached to old ideas but-- if i think of something better that works or makes more sense, I’m always thankful to let go and let my stories grow into a better thing. I try to remember where it came from, however. Because that helps inform me where to go.

(*generally my definition for this is altering events of the past, certain core plans of the comic, character motivations, or facts that are connected to the worldbuilding. im kind of a hoarder so once its in the story aka on a specific page-- its not going anywhere. until then things can be up in the air. for example, the characters knife and spoon were not originally intended to be mutually in love and it was more of a one sided idol worship, but as i fleshed their characters out i realized that it was mutual and it changed and altered the story because of that. now it cannot/will not be “undone” for whatever reason bc this is.. an established fact in the story. but at one point, it was not! i hope that makes sense.)

SO TO SUMMARIZE... plans will always be “”bigger”” in the ever expansive space of your mind so also dont be afraid to get to the point sometimes even if it feels a little, like. less exciting than you thought? accept your story is going to be different for YOU vrs your audience and make peace with that disconnect even tho its disorienting + upsetting sometimes & accommodate the ~natural personal and artistic growth~ you will experience and let go of things that might be holding you or your work back from improving with you. but also dont try to cut out too much of the past because.. it is what helped you get to where you are right now? focus on the present & allow growth for the future, dont try to alter the past and pretend it didnt happen. bc that will be confusing as fuck for everyone involved and also probably hurt the story more than help it. esp if its a long one. ur building a tower dont pull out too many foundational blocks and try to make it too much of something else unless its growing there on its own.. u kno? 

When I try to write these tips these are just things I find myself doing in a cycle as i create that seem to keep re igniting my passion for my story again and again. It makes me curious because it also is a very instinctual thing so I thought I might try and write it out!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY.

ALSO some bonus thoughts!!!!!!!!!! I will say that I’ve never completed a long format comic series, so take it w/ a grain of salt imo. HOWEVER...I probably will, eventually. Even if I don’t, I do enjoy writing really big ones and I feel very happy with the work i do on them! and still feel no inclination to move onto other things. Or even when I work on other things, I don’t have a feeling of dropping a story entirely. (for example, i still intend to work on my older series eggshells and don’t really feel a desire to ‘quit’ that story even when i have matured as an author/artist since starting it.)

When I read really long comic series I wonder a lot of internal decisions that happen out of sight, since the timeline of a comic that you read is so much different than the timeline it takes actually creating the thing. its so easy to write/plan/form ideas for lifetimes of work that will never be realized, so what is it that we actually get in the pages? What aspects of this author are we actually seeing? how much have they grown since beginning and what about the story we will never know? I know I’ll never know, because, I am only the reader! And as the creator, I will never know what the feeling of my work as the reader. or the cool and interesting things they predict will happen based on their perseptions, which are so different from mine. Yet!! we are all engaged in the same story unfolding, never fully discovering what its like on the other side but only getting little glimpses and thats fascinating how a story is almost this vast illusion of experiences maintained by so many different minds. 

Long format comics captivate me because they are just, really time consuming to make and the pacing of them are so different and less consumable than other stories. They like become.. this place you live in! Why are they my favorite to enjoy even when its natural that, when a story becomes longer, its going to end up attracting more & more issues? Why do i Not care about resolutions to long stories sometimes bc my expectations for them are different?? (also lets face it, experience writing long stories is going to be different than writing short ones because it takes time to write longer things & we are not going to have as much experienc having more than one completed super long multi-act-multi-characterplot story vrs a bunch of smaller ones. it doesnt mean its EASIER to write shorter ones, if anything id argue its probably much harder to write good short things + isolate a story down to that focused vision than making tons of long ones that avoid endings) but..yet!! here i am...

why am i constantly drawn to trying to understand long format stories when I probably could improve faster by writing shorter things??! i dont really know! but i follow my heart and my heart likes to do things this way......

anyway, this entire post is mostly inspired by the fact that many of my favorite stories started before i was even born or have been going on for decades and i wonder if we’ll ever read the endings to many of them.... would it.. matter? they’ve already inspired me so much even without a resolution because i can imagine my own endings to things.. but in the end that is not what happened in the actual story. it was only in my mind.. and yet it never happened, and was an illusion unknown to anyone but myself.....and sometimes my favorite stories are my favorites because of the things i imagined them to be, rather than what they actually were or how they actually turned out.. i dont know how this happens..... but i wonder about what this means with my OWN comics, and how my perceptions of what they could be vrs what they are is like, this weird illusion that also exists only in my mind and no one else can see it. yet we are both looking at the same thing. and i want to know what others see and i never will get to??? ....stories are......... so fucking spooky!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! ok thats all. thx for reading

#personal #comic writing #ffak faq

[psycho-alchemist]

p-a, can you please explain what's going on with Gabbie and Ricegum?

I will GLADLY do so. Keep in mind that I am biased in Gabbie’s favor and have been for a while, so I have nothing but bad things to say about Ricegum. Also, this is going to be a really long story.

The following is backstory. Scroll down further to find out what happened two days ago.

I’d say the beginning of this issue was 10-ish months ago, when Gabbie tweeted the following: “if your entire channel is built on the name of other popular users for click bait and search engine results, i don't respect your channel.” Ricegum got really offended and assumed the tweet was specifically talking about him--let’s be honest, it does describe what he does even if it wasn’t specifically about him--and he DM’ed her, saying, “hey man, just @ me next time, I'm pretty sure that tweet was about me, just @ me next time.” 

She responded, “Then honestly that's your own insecurity about it. Never assume what someone means. My tweets have never been and never will be directed at a single person, except when I quote their tweet. It also includes people who put faces in their thumbnails or names in their titles (like freelee or most news pages). You may very well fall into the category but that tweet wasn't with you in particular in mind.”

There are a lot of Youtubers who do that, using other people’s names in their titles for views. Freelee does that, the Psychic Twins have done that, and Ricegum definitely does that. The point is, Gabbie was not specifically referring to him. I hadn’t even heard of him before, but Ricegum got really fucking upset because he was guilty of what her tweet said.

Just a glance at Ricegum’s channel shows you that he makes a living off of dissing other people. And sure, there are other channels that do that too, but he mainly goes for people’s appearances or spreads misinformation. So when he thought Gabbie was dissing him, he did the same thing to her. He made a video trashing her weight, her nose, and her voice. He also accused her of stealing jokes. However, he clearly didn’t do much research and quoted evidence that had already been used and debunked. Obviously his intention wasn’t really to get to the bottom of the joke stealing, but rather to bring down her reputation in a malicious way.

Gabbie has been accused of stealing jokes before. In December 2015, someone made a video exposing Gabbie for stealing jokes, and it had very concrete evidence against her. She addressed the joke stealing in a vlog (link) after Ricegum’s video. Long story short, Gabbie admitted that she did steal jokes, but it was not intentional. She listens to stand-up comedy in the morning, and it’s easy to internalize jokes and statements you hear very often. I’m defending Gabbie on that because I’ve done that sometimes too, where I’ve watched a video so many times that I start to think that the things in the video are my own original thoughts.

In that video, Gabbie said that she didn’t even realize she had accidentally stolen jokes until that December video exposed her for it. When she watched that video, she realized that she had stolen jokes, but it wasn’t a conscious decision. She took down the videos that contained stolen jokes because she didn’t want to make a profit off of them and she didn’t want unoriginal jokes on her channel. Some people saw her decision to take those videos down as hiding her mistakes, but I think it was a respectable decision since she didn’t want to be represented by jokes that weren’t hers.

Anyway, that’s all old news. All of that happened around May of last year. 

Now for what happened two days ago.

Gabbie went to a party a couple nights ago, and she saw Ricegum there. She was joking with a couple of her friends that she should rap battle him since they haven’t interacted with each other since the roast videos. Her friends encouraged her to do it, so she went over to him and posted some Snapchat videos asking her to rap battle. She then posted a video where she jokingly said the could still rap battle even if Ricegum’s ghostwriter wasn’t there. (Apparently Ricegum’s big scandal is possibly having a ghostwriter.)

In Gabbie’s next Snap story video, she was somewhere else and was clearly crying, and she said that Ricegum didn’t think her joke about the ghostwriter was funny. She said he twisted her arm and held her down, grabbed her phone, forced it out of her hand, and smashed it. Gabbie also explicitly said that Ricegum did not punch her or beat her up, but he did attack her, break her property, and really scare her.

Gabbie is being accused of lying about being attacked. Of course she is, right? Women are often accused of being hysterical and making shit up. And even beyond just being a woman, assault victims in general are often accused of lying, regardless of their gender. Ricegum even texted one of his friends saying, “Tell her to publicly apologize or shits gonna get worse just saying”. That doesn’t sound like something an innocent person would say. That sounds like a fucking threat.

Obviously I don’t think Gabbie is lying. I’m not saying she’s perfect, but in the past she has been very willing to admit when she’s wrong about something. She admitted to stealing jokes and she apologized recently when she offended viewers with a video she made. She understands that lying about a scandal only makes things worse, and I just don’t see her lying about this incident, especially considering assault victims are treated very badly for speaking up.

But here’s the thing: even if Gabbie were exaggerating the assault--which, to be clear again, I do not think is the case--the fact remains that Ricegum smashed her phone over a simple diss he received. Not only is that assault in legal terms, it’s also a very dangerous way to react over a diss. Even more so considering his entire career is based on insulting other people. It’s not surprising to hear that he’s so hyper-sensitive over insults even though he dishes them out constantly, but it is very hypocritical.

It also really bothers me that one of Gabbie and Ricegum’s mutual friends tried to justify Ricegum’s behavior by saying that he’s a good person but was just frustrated. He apparently asked a few times for Gabbie not to post the video. I don’t know if that’s true, but even if it is, and even if Gabbie was in the wrong for posting those Snapchat videos, it doesn’t change the fact that smashing someone’s phone in anger over a small diss is not normal behavior. And Ricegum knows that, which is why he’s trying so hard to intimidate Gabbie into silence.

That’s the story, for the most part. Their Twitter accounts also tell a lot. If you check out Ricegum’s Twitter, he says that Gabbie initially said he beat her up and is now changing her story. However, Gabbie emphasized from the very beginning that Ricegum didn’t punch her or beat her up. in addition, Ricegum posts a memo explanation that refers to Gabbie as “big nose,” and I think that itself speaks for what kind of person Ricegum is. He’s obviously not someone with good intentions.

If you check out Gabbie’s Twitter, you’ll find a video Ricegum deleted, in which he mocked Gabbie for the pictures she posted of the marks on her skin. He basically suggested that she had just scratched herself to make those marks. Gabbie accused him of mocking abuse, and he responded, “im not mocking abuse im mocking people who lie about being abused.” Because that definitely happens a lot, right? It’s just typical abusive asshole behavior to accuse Gabbie of lying, when there’s at least enough evidence to prove that he grabbed her and smashed her phone.

I think I’m going in circles at this point, but that’s the basic story. In the past he made a pretty nasty video about Gabbie for no reason and mostly insulted her appearance, things like her weight and her nose. And then two days ago he assaulted Gabbie and smashed her phone after she dissed him in person. Now he’s accusing her of lying, while still insulting her appearance the whole time.

#ask p-a #youtubers #the gabbie show #gabbie hanna #ricegum #long post #Anonymous

[survivornavarino]

Episode #9: I’m A Fighter -Jake

*loud screeching noise* AHHHHHHHHHH omfg i cant believe we just did that #beam 4 life ok so like i feel horrible because i love drew but he was trying to make an alliance and it didnt include me and i had to take him out before it was too late because while it wouldnt be me this vote it probably would next time so like sorry drew i love u im sure this doesnt help my case for like why u should b my friend but like i rlly am sorry.  also i feel bad for lying to jake but it just wouldve gotten back to drew and i didnt want to risk that.  im hoping he doesnt hate me too much for blindsiding his ally but like again, they were trying to have a majority alliance that i wasnt a part of and i just didn't want to deal with it tbh.  maybe jake and i are just doomed to eternally be on separate sides in games idk (sad music plays) umm trixie idk we dont really talk we just kind of coexist UM HOLDUP JESUS CHRIST WE JUST FUCKING MERGED WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WIG ON PLUTO WHAT TO HECK ????? im off to plot heathers demise xoxo gossip beckka

Woot Woot its merge loves. Time to be a complete mess and be first merge boot. Hehehe

I MADE IT, MY SECOND ATHENA GAME AND I MADE IT TO MERGE AGAIN IM INCREDIBLEY HAPPY. Let’s hope I don’t get eighth place again, and if I’m gonna be honest I need Drew gone if I’m gonna win. He’s so fucking good at challenges. So eliminating him would mainly be out of fear.

Remember how I’m a dumbass? Me too ok so Drew was eliminated already.

Excuse me I am stupid and don't get letters are better as numbers... and also reversed. I would like an explanation plzz

words tried in number form and reversed so far that have not worked. Emily-Amanda-Abbey-Francie, Navarino, Survivor, Athena. Im gonna cry I cant find it yet.

Oh yeah tea, I ended up finding a secret advantage called the deja vote which means I can steal someone’s vote from a tribal and re-use it at a later tribal 

This was originally going to me a vlog of me screaming after tribal but I busy last night and fell asleep before doing it so now I'm more calm and just gonna type out. Okay so looking back at my last confessional, bitch I'm boo boo the fool. I seriously thought Eddie and Autumn were being honest with me because I trust(ed) them sooo much, but it turns out they were playing me and orchestrating a Drew blindside behind my back. So before I went out last night, EVERYONE told me they were voting Matt. Then two minutes before the vote, Eddie and Autumn message me like "JAKE! Are you here??? SOMETHING is happening" like bitch shut the fuck up something is not happening don't act like this shit just happened last minute. Then they say "Drew is getting voted out tonight!" So...I went to Drew and told him to play the idol if he had it. Because I didn't want Matt staying if I was voting for him. But Drew said he didn't have an idol, and Eddie found out that I told Drew and told Autumn. So after I got home I messaged the group chat with Eddie and Autumn and told them that I was upset by them lying to me bc I did trust them the most. Then Autumn decided to get ballsy and reply "I don't buy that at all since you told Drew to play his idol, you were more loyal to him than me." GIRL STFU yes the fuck I did tell Drew because you told me TWO MINS BEFORE TRIBAL - MEANING YOU KEPT THE VOTE HIDDEN FROM ME ALL DAY. DON'T SAY IM DISLOYAL WHEN YOU WERE THE BIGGEST MFING SNAKE THIS ROUND! ...Anyways. Autumn then tries to come for me by saying "So tell, what's with this alliance between you, Eddie, Drew, and Trixie." And this is when I got more mad. BC Drew proposed this alliance to me, but it was never made, hell I didn't even tell Trixie about it. And when I told Eddie about it I told him I think we should tell Autumn about the alliance (Since he wanted to as well) So it became clear that Autumn was spreading to rebecka and matt that I was in an actual alliance with them to get them all to turn on us. So um Autumn, I wanted to trust you and go far with you in this game, but you're dead to me in this game now and I want you GONE. Autumn has the most connections here. She has Eddie, Rebecka, Matt, Ben, and I've heard that she has Mitch as well. She is a huge threat and if I can find a way to take her out, I will. But right now I need to focus on surviving. After the vote, Trixie added me to a call with Julia. Julia told us all of the alliances she's in (and she's in a damn lot) and said she basically likes Trixie more so she's working with us. Umm okay that's cool. I hope she's being serious because my life in this game is in Julia's hands now. She has all these connections and I need to get her to gun for someone that isn't me, Trixie, or Shoib. I've decided that my ideal final 3 would be with Trixie and Shoib because I trust them the most now, we've been together since day one, and we're all fans. It would be perfect. Sooo yeah. I also talked to Heather and basically blamed Tyler for all the animosity between us. I am trying to repair relationships and hopefully push the target off my back because I am worried about being targeted for 12th. IDK WHAT ELSE TO DO! I am in SUCH a bad position right now and it's so annoying. At the start of this game I had a lot of allies and the two people who trusted me the most (Tyler and Drew) are gone. But I'm a FIGHTER. I will NOT give up! I was in the minority at merge in crossroads and turned it around and made it to FTC so I just have to keep pushing and hopefully I'll get the same results! Woo wig! This was originally going to me a vlog of me screaming after tribal but I busy last night and fell asleep before doing it so now I'm more calm and just gonna type out.

https://youtu.be/iUDlOxxgtz0 my face in the thumbnail for this video is so funny cause it's when i found out of another to do the idol search. Obviously we know it didn't work adhshjks

I am pumped for this merge, I feel like I am playing a really under the radar game and it will make people come to me and ask me to vote with them if the game does break down into two sides, which I think it will. I trust Julia and Trixie the most right now and Trixie has two FREAKING idols omg. I also trust Mitch and Autumn but they are my secondary alliance which I will fall back on if I lose Trixie and Julia

Ok so no one is really messaging me about the vote, which is scary. I don't want to be first merge boot. The only people who have spoke to me are Matt, which he is confused, and Jake, which says no one really spoke to him about the vote yet. I did hear that people thought Ben and I were close, which like we have voted together, but aren't to close. I know now that Trixie has an idol and someone found the merge idol so FUN. I CAN'T WAIT TO BE FIRST MERGE BOOT.

Me starting a grassroots movement of Ben vs Heather cause I'm not aligned with either? Yep. Me forcing people to show their hands and make choices? Absolutely https://68.media.tumblr.com/41399c7dcc99b69388de05d609f7323c/tumblr_inline_o6ola1oDhw1sso1z7_500.gif Look none of these votes will be easy cause I like everyone and I'm aligned with almost everyone but it's Survivor I ain't scurd. I neeevvveerrr talk to Ben or Heather so I'm just gonna be a swing vote in the mess I created. Also feel free to give me the villain edit that's the one thing I haven't accomplished in Athena, besides winning or beating my placement. If not that's cool too I'll just continue to be my messy antihero self. Ok bye! Time to disappear and let the drama fester while I'm at work

You know what would be great, if more people would know who the vote is gonna be. Won't be surprised if that is me to be quite honest. Right now I hear Ben and if that is the only name I hear, I'll do it.

i never thought i'd say this but I WANNA HEX JULIA THE WITCH. okay not really bc i dont want her to read this and think im actually mad. but im wary of what i say to her now considering she told heather about my idol hehe

The votes for me cuz Beckka is bitter over another game. At least in that game I didn't isolate her. I'm prob just gonna cry in a corner.

This is a mess

this round has been a fucking mess and a half and im too busy rn trying to save my ass to make it all sophisticated i have a lot to say so if i stay ill explain everything later but basically autumn came to me today saying she wants to flip on ben so im trying to rally eddie trixie shoib julia and heather to get 7 on ben but apparently ben is throwing my name out bc he doesnt want to vote heathwr and immm fucking nervous idek if heather will wanna vote ben now if hes trying to save her what if she flips like this is bad help

The first merge vote is stressful as fuck cus there’s 12 people. I’m fine as long as it’s not me.

Don't know what's going on. Voting heather and hoping it works!!!!!

Good god am I glad I'm immune for this bullshit Let's start with merge. Woo merge! The idol system is announced. I actually make progress on the advantage hunt! Then I finish it. And someone already has it. GREAT So then I try the idol hunt and someone ALSO has it! GREATER. So now I have to worry about that shit. So I won immunity somehow because I guess preparing was a good idea since I blew through the second round. I won't be first merge boot in Athena woo!!! But now the vote is fucking crazy. I want to vote out Heather because, as sweet as she is, she's got a lot of ears listening for info for her and it's better to get someone like that out early before it's too late. But people don't want to because they're the ears! Big surprise. People are between Jake and Ben and Heather and honestly? I want to keep Ben around a little more. My plan for now is to not have one big alliance, but rather to be a part of small trio alliances so people can have my back without the worry of a huge alliance fracturing. I just have to keep the trio members safe. My planned trios are as follows: Ben, Mo, myself Shoib, Autumn, myself Rebecka, Julia, myself (WIP) That's 7 people who have my back in varying circumstances, as long as they're being truthful. I've also been alerted to a greater alliance of Matt, Ben, Julia, Mo, and Rebecka. Hopefully this trio plan will help me get in with those people more, and perhaps in the close future I can take out Matt and get rid of that variable.

i made merge!! its lit!! there hasnt been a lot going on so far. nobodys really reached out to me and ive been so busy so im just going with what rebecka wants, which is heather. i’m not sure voting heather is a good move for me, in fact i know its not, but unfortunatelt i dont have the time to make another move and im just tryin to survive

What is going on here on this day? This is a mess and i'm just on the train a long for the ride. I'm hearing Ben, Jake, and Heather, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's me tonight. Like I'm sure they're afraid of Jake having an idol, so why not throw their votes on someone who's irrelevant at the moment and who probably wouldn't see it coming? Anyway, I HIGHLY doubt Ben is leaving tonight, and I don't really believe that the votes are going on Heather or Jake, idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk. I really hope Jake stays, and I really hope Ben goes or I am probably screwed af.

#turnuptheheat

[lousylvrefiction]

Hello readers! To my chagrin, I realize we Authors Speak writers posted not one single post in the month of July. I, for one, didn’t realize I’d missed my day to post until it was long gone. Some of us were more on the ball than that, but just had a crazy calendar and didn’t make it. I hope this month is better, and I’m going to kick off August by posting on time. But… (isn’t there always a but?) because my calendar has gone crazy this month, I’m recycling. Don’t get me wrong! This post is completely right for the day!

Let me explain.

As you may have realized, I like to talk about other authors’ books. A few years ago, on my sylvre.com blog, I did that by featuring “lessons” at Gay Romance University. In 2014, I made a lesson about Anne Barwell’s book, Shadowboxing, the first book in her World War II historical Echoes Rising series. Read on to revisit that day in class!

Why is this the right post to republish today?

Because today, the final book in the series has been launched at DSP Publications! Happy release day, Anne, and congrats on creating a series truly worth the read.

Okay, then! Let’s go to school!

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(Get your textbook, and the rest of the series at this DSP Pubications link.)

here: Please take your seats people, we want to get started…. What’s that? Boxer shorts? Certainly they’re allowed…. Yes, sir, briefs, certainly. Sure, speedos are not only allowed but encouraged. Be comfortable, but do pay attention in class.

Even though Kristopher Lehrer’s last name means ‘teacher,’ as we examine the early pages of our textbook, Anne Barwell’s novel Shadowboxing, it is Kristopher who is most in need of schooling. Oh, he is a learned man, it’s true—a physicist working on an important, possibly world-altering project. Unfortunately Very Important Projects often become the clouds where a scientist’s head is most comfortable. Kristopher’s attitude, as the novel opens, is reminiscent of the fearless forward motion of a horse with blinders.

To illustrate, consider this: Kristopher’s friend—the man that could have been his first true love if Kristopher had been honest—is Jewish, and in World War II Germany the yellow Star of David he must wear means that he is in danger every time he steps out in public. And, though David is a respected physician, he can no longer practice medicine for the same reason. Yet when Kristopher meets him for coffee he has no clue why his friend is upset, or scared. Read along in your text (or look over your neighbor’s shoulder if you haven’t yet picked up your text). We look at what happens when David challenges Kristopher’s naivety, beginning on page eight.

“Have you any idea what kind of people you are working for?” David spoke quietly, as always, but there was an underlying tone of fear in his voice that Kristopher didn’t remember hearing before. David’s emotions were always controlled; it was something that Kristopher had envied. “Have you any idea of their real agenda?”

Kristopher snatched his hand away, trying to ignore how fast his heart was beating. Why had David come to him? Surely he couldn’t have presumed to use the closeness they’d once had to further whatever agenda he had? “I’m a scientist, David, trying to make the world a better place, just as you are. We are working for the advancement of science and for the good of the Fatherland.” The last sentence came out sounding like the mantra it was. Any doubts that Kristopher had were always dealt with efficiently when he repeated those words. While he knew the potential danger of the device they were working on, the chances of anyone considering utilizing the catastrophic component of it were remote.

“You always were naïve, Lehrer.” David raked a hand through his hair and replaced his glasses, adjusting them when they slipped down his nose. “Wake up and take a look at what’s going on around you before it’s too late.” An edge of desperation and fear sharpened his voice as he lowered it to almost a whisper; it sounded as though he was talking about the end of the world.

“Too late? Too late for what?” His earlier fears of being used vanished at David’s tone. Kristopher’s voice rose in pitch, all attempts of hiding his conflicting emotions lost as he tried to desperately work through his rapidly escalating confusion.

David shook his head, unwilling to say more, his eyes darting nervously around the small Kaffeehaus before his gaze settled on the man who had entered several minutes earlier. “I have to go. I’ve said too much already.”

“Wait!” David was already halfway out the door before the word was out of Kristopher’s mouth. He pushed his chair back, ready to follow his friend, then hesitated, suddenly unsure as to what had just happened.

A week later, dining at home with his sister Clara (whom he loves and depends on) and his father (with whom he has a strained relationship), he is shocked to hear that David has disappeared, and clueless as to why such a thing had happened. What’s more, he is just as dumbfounded when Clara says (on page 11)…

“Poor Kristopher.” Clara rolled her eyes. “You’re so involved in your work that you haven’t noticed what’s going on around you.” There was no teasing in her voice now. Whatever this was about, it was something very serious. “It’s because he’s Jewish, of course.”

… as he is when his father says…

“They are Jewish, Kristopher. What other reason is needed? Better that they are rounded up and sent somewhere more suited for their place in the scheme of things. We must not lose sight of the fact that the Jews are nothing more than parasites interested in taking control of the economy for themselves.”

We, the readers can take our first lesson from this, and the downhill spiral of father-son relations that follow. Please take this down in your notebooks. It will be on the test:

The longer you keep your head stuck in the clouds of denial (about anything, really), the more it hurts to pull it out.

Our next unit of study follows Kristopher as he goes about his work the next day. The clouds around his head have been disturbed, but not quite dislodged. Feeling cranky and a little wooly due to a poor night’s sleep, he enters his boss’s office when the boss is out, and rather clumsily knocks a pile of papers on the floor, and reads this sentence on one of them:

Cue ominous music.

We look forward to putting these plans into reality. Such a device will ensure the continued success of the Fatherland during this war against our enemies.

Kristopher’s head falls from the clouds with a mighty thud, which hurts and can’t be ignored even by a dreamy physicist.

Gott im himmel, as my very German mother would have said. Here Kristopher had been, believing he was working on nuclear fission for peaceful purposes, and suddenly he realized he’d been living in a lollipop world.

For a number of minutes, our scientist is unable to think straight. He knows what he saw, but he’s unsure of what he might do about it, or even how to keep from getting in trouble for standing in his boss’s office with his pants down (figuratively of course, because that would be far too weird).

But a guard comes along, Obergefreiter (Sargent) Schmitz, and helps him organize his brain and move his body, thank goodness. Of course, at first, Kristoffer is afraid that Schmitz will actually contribute to his danger, but he soon realizes he was lucky the Obergefrieter came along. He leaves the office that day still waffling about what to do. Like most ordinary Germans of the day, he loves his country and has some significant blind spots about it—a phenomenon not unknown at any age of the world in just about any country, including all of those where readers of this blog might be living today. But you don’t become a leading physicist if you are slow-witted. Once Kristopher’s sight is forcibly cleared, he cannot escape the truth about the leaders of the Nazi regime and what their intentions are.

After much soul-searching, presumably some hand-wringing, and a few horrid nightmares, Kristopher Lehrer confronts his boss… and is told in no uncertain way to mind his own business. The encounter goes from bad to worse. (You can read about this in home study, chapter three of the text.) When he is discovered in the room with his dead boss by the same Obergefreiter Schmitz, he figures his number is up.

Thank heaven for pleasant surprises, large and small. When Schmitz asks Kristopher if, as smart as he is, he can come up with no better plan than to threaten the guard with broken glass, here’s what happens (at the beginning of chapter four).

“My plan? […] I don’t have a plan. […] Do you honestly think I would be standing here waving a piece of broken glass if I had a plan.”

“Good point,” Schmitz admitted.

[Text elided by blogger… er, I mean university professor Lou Sylvre. Kristopher says:]

“Have you come to hand me over to the Nazis?” Whatever happened he didn’t intend to go easily.

The corner of Schmitz’s mouth turned up in a half smile before he shook his head. “I’m here to help you, Herr Dr. Lehrer.”

“You expect me to believe you?” Kristopher wished the desk behind him would disappear into thin air, although it still wouldn’t be of much help as Schmitz was blocking the path to the only door. “I know you’ve followed me for the past week.” He noticed the slight look of surprise on Schmitz’s face with a degree of satisfaction.

“You need to trust me, Dr. Lehrer.”

You may guess that Kristopher isn’t so sure that’s the best course of action, but like people everywhere when they’re in danger and want to trust someone, he looks for a way to do so.

“Give me one good reason.”

“The Nazis will be here in, Schmitz said, consulting his watch, approximately ten minutes. Either you trust me, or you tell them what you’ve just told me. I doubt they will believe your story.”

His voice softened. “I do.”

Now, students, you may have guessed that the Obergefreiter isn’t really the Obergefreiter. His real name is Michel, and he’s not even German. And his interest in Kristopher, like Kristopher’s trust of Michel, soon weaves into a whole new feeling. After negotiating much hell and highwater together, Michel soothes a startled, overwhelmed Kristopher in his own native tongue.

“A l’aise, Kit. Je suis ici… Ssh, tout est bien.”

Yes, Michel is there and all is well for the moment. There’s a whole lot more trouble to face, more evil to evade, more heroes to meet—all kinds, German, foreign, soldiers, everyday people. But Michel does whatever he needs to do to keep Kristopher alive. And since this is Gay Romance University, it isn’t giving away secrets to let you know, that once Michel has seen to the matter of Kristopher’s continued existence, he gets the opportunity to use a little French term of endearment.

“It’s all right, mon cher. I love you. I’m not letting you go.”

That is the end of our lesson, today. If you are interested in learning more on the subject, click the cover image above for a link to the blurb and purchase links. (And while you’re there, check out the continuation of this beautiful story in book two of the Echoes of War series, Winter Duet.

I thank Anne Barwell, Kristopher, and Michel for the privilege of treating the serious story of one of the world’s most painful times with a bit of irreverence. Truthfully, the heroes in this story are a reflection of all the real life heroes on every side of that war and every other, especially the quiet ones not lauded in headlines. They all deserve our gratitude, and I take no such service or sacrifice lightly.

Thanks for reading, everybody! If you’d like to check out or revisit the rest of the GRU posts, just go to

#comes a horseman #dsp publications #echoes rising #Gay romance #historical #shadowboxing #winter duet