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missyblogs · 3 months

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Because I am On a Ball and it is Rolling, I want to make an additional love offering bc there are like 3 things in the x reader tags and my fellow Sportaskissers deserve more ( I see you, I love you, you are not weird or alone <;;3 ). I present to you:

Sportacus with a chronically suffering and/or disabled significant other

based on my reading of the character from just four episodes from season one, some offhanded comments from the cast, and a little projection on my part so shhhh -Sportacus will never think less of you for not having the strength/ not feeling well enough to exercise. Some days are just a no bones day and he totally gets it ( even if he rarely if ever experiences them himself, thanks elf genes > . > ) He will gently stretch you out if you've been lying in the same spot for too long though ( you wouldn't BELIEVE how quickly legs can cramp... but he does! ) or help you move to avoid bedsores if you need that. Part of what he loves about you is your perseverance in spite of the hand you've been dealt and helping the body he loves so much stay as healthy as possible is as good as any pilates session. You don't need to kill yourself with cardio to make him love you. -Tea, tea and more tea ( and maybe some soup ). Can't keep down your Sportscandy? Catch him boiling all kinds of herbs to settle your gut, keep you hydrated, and get *some* semblance of nutrition in there. Because it's gonna be unsweetened you'll be drinking a lot of white/decaf. Also the man will hunt down your favorite variety at all cost <3 -Do you take an inhaler? do you need to do it upside down to get the meds where they need to go? ( looking at you Sumatriptan nasal spray ), the man will personally lift you and hold you up on the ceiling hook so you can angle your head right for the delivery if you don't have the body strength to hold yourself there

-If you need to lie down somewhere dark and cold to make your pain go away, he'll make sure there's a room just for you. He will check in on you every so often to make sure you're doing all right though, just cause the crystal isn't beeping doesn't mean his favorite person doesn't need some kinda help and he wants to be the first to know when he can! -No standing? no problem! in at least one draft of the official backstory Sportacus built that bad boy himself so if your wheelchair using s/i lives with him or makes regular visits to the airship, he will build a lift in just for you. After all it's your home too!

- If you are having a bad mental health night, it genuinely does not matter whether it's 8:08 or 3 am. Though he may like his sleep, Sportacus will be THERE for you because he wants you to be safe and there is no other person he'd rather stay up for. He knows he can't make you stable or take your trauma away but if his company makes you feel even the slightest bit better it is all worthwhile to him. You two can nap together later <3 - Need a hand? If you need help remembering or administering your medication, your very own hero is to the rescue! No more pricking fingers or navigating stubborn syringes if you don't have the dexterity for it. Sportacus understands the importance of giving your body the tools it needs to help you be your best you. He'll help you keep track of meds, set reminders to take them, and help you with whatever you need to get them into your body!

Above all, regardless of what you feel like or what your body does or doesn't do Sportacus chose you for you, you are not a runner up, you're not a consolation prize, and there is not an ounce of pity in his body when he thinks of you. You are beautiful to him just the way you are, remember that.

#lazytown #sportacus #fo x si #self insert #oc x canon #sportacus x reader #self shipping #SportaYou #self ship headcanons #missy talks #I have many thoughts about this man as a major depressive migraineur but this is already a wall of text so please take it #also there's no gender to this so apply whatever feels right to you

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heymacy · 2 days

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hi! i haven’t seen mickeyless seasons so i wanted to ask if ian ever has issues about being bipolar like he did with mickey? like him breaking up in s5 for not wanting to see mickey hurt and s10 when he asks if he’s crazy for wanting to be with him! i think i read somewhere that caleb? maybe had a talk about self love or whatever to ian but that dude was horrendous ( not that trevor was best for what ive seen ) so im not sure that counts ahah

hi anon!

yes, ian grappling with his disorder is a very very big theme throughout seasons 6, 7, 8, and 9. in fact i would argue that aside from him becoming an EMT, the bipolar storyline is his most significant one (i typed out my response and it got very long so i'm going to put it below the cut 💛)

in s6 he is fresh off of the diagnosis, the breakup, and coping with mickey going to prison (and he was definitely trying to cope, he still loved him and seeing someone you love locked up is immeasurably hard. i feel like we don't talk about this enough). he feels very aimless and it isn't until an incident (he's a bystander to a car crash and rescues a woman from a burning vehicle) that he finds his new path (becoming an EMT, which he does by the end of s6). caleb was absolutely awful in so many ways but the one good thing he did do was encourage and support ian in finding a new life path, which is the only credit i will give him. there's also a deleted scene in s6 that is so, so important re: understanding how mentally ill people are viewed and treated in society and of course ian's monologue about how he's good at his job because of his illness, which is one of my favorite scenes in the entire show.

in s7, he's getting healthy again and taking his meds, but it isn't without struggle. there's a very poignant and important scene (part one, part two) with lip where he expresses his struggles with his disorder and how hard it is for him to cope with taking his meds and listening to the warning signs for episodes (he was behaving in ways akin to a hypomanic episode/showing signs of slipping into an episode just before the conversation happens). by the end of the season, after he leaves mickey at the border, he's still relatively stable, but the emotional triggers of leaving mickey behind + monica's death start to take a toll on him, which we see in s8. there's also the trevor of it all in s7, but that's a whole other issue. trevor did not have a positive impact on ian's self-esteem whatsoever and even went so far as to demand ian forgive monica and "move on" after knowing 0.1% of the history between the two of them. that scene in particular makes me unfathomably angry and i just know it was deeply, deeply triggering for ian to hear that from someone he cared about.

in s8, we have the gay jesus storyline, which i absolutely detest and hate to discuss, but it's part of his story and it needs to be acknowledged. he's taken advantage of a lot this season, propelled towards some sort of fucked up end goal with very little control over his circumstances, and it quickly spirals out of control. while the writers never explicitly state that ian is hypo/manic during this season, you can watch the progression happen if you pay close enough attention. despite not being given a lot to work with, cameron did a great job at playing the nuances of bipolar disorder this season, showing ian's descent into hypo/mania as the gay jesus movement grows and warps.

in s9, he's in prison for the first time and is noticeably manic. after being released, he starts seeking out meaning and purpose in religion. eventually he's forced to face the consequences of his actions and pleads not guilty to arson by reason of insanity, not only defying the wishes of the gay jesus followers (they feared him going public with his diagnosis and pleading insanity would delegitimize the movement) but also finally choosing to really acknowledge his disorder, reckon with it, and make peace with it, in a strange sort of way. it's a very important and pivotal moment for his character and cameron absolutely delivers during his plea monologue.

if you've see s10 you know how his self-worth takes a hit regarding the marriage storyline, and how he's so terrified of marrying mickey because 1) he doesn't know if he's capable of being a good partner because he doesn't feel like he had good examples of healthy marriage standards growing up and 2) he isn't sure mickey knows what he's signing up for re: his disorder and everything it entails. which, of course, is not the case, because mickey doesn't love him in spite of his disorder, he loves him completely, and his disorder is just a part of that. he wants all of him, always, and that's a huge plot point in s10 and s11 ("i gotta worry, you're my husband" scene my absolute beloved).

anyway. the short answer is that yes, ian spends a lot of time grappling with his disorder and the realities of life as a bipolar human. he deals with issues regarding his self-worth, his purpose, and his relationships. speaking as a bipolar individual, i can say with absolute certainty that coming to terms with your diagnosis is a long, arduous process that takes many years and a lot of commitment to achieve. it's not easy, and though the writers dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines in the show, they did a pretty damn good job of showing how hard it is to cope and live with the realities of bipolar disorder and everything that entails.

if you ever want to see more of his journey, gallavichscenes on youtube has playlists of all of ian's scenes in season 6, season 7, season 8, and season 9. i highly recommend watching the show in its entirety but if you don't want to do that, i recommend at the very least watching the rest of ian's storyline. it colors so much of his story and mickey's and it's hard to fully comprehend the extent of their relationship without understanding that storyline. i hope this answered your question! sending tons and tons of love 💛

#i hope this provided some clarity on his mindset and storyline!#if you have any other questions feel free to drop in any time 💛#macy babbles #anons

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yuikomorii · 1 year

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Greetings, I come with late night ramblings abt diabolik lovers. Big fan of your blog, I really like the side of the fandom which discusses the characters

Sometimes i wonder what it was like for the mukami bros to turn into vampires. Since vampires look so similar to humans the fact that they are a different species really slips my mind sometimes.....

So sometimes I find myself wondering what that psychological shift was like. The mukami bros were all pretty young and had grudges against humans in some way when they were turned, so parting with their humanity wasn't on their minds I think lol.

But despite spending lot of their childhood/puberty around vampires they still do act a lot more human like than the sakamakis. Granted, the sakamakis def have a lot trauma that compromises their ability to have any type of healthy relationship. But characters like ayato suggest that vampires aren't inherently incapable of the more "human" emotions (don't rlly know a good word for it mb).

I do remember ruki saying somewhere that because he is weak he stays with his family (not the only reason ofc, but having to band together/find strength in numbers to survive is a very human-like thing), yet he and his bros abandoned being human/ hold some level of resentment for humanity.

Anyways all that to say the mukami bros have an interesting relationship with their "humanity" and I'm overanalyzing characters in an otome game of which the lore is constantly retconned. Complicating this is the fact that we don't have a "average" or "normal" vampire to compare with

Also reject totally missed an opportunity to make a character that didn't want to be turned into a vampire, and had to struggle with the changes.

// Hello, thank you for enjoying my blog!<3

Hmm… If the person who becomes a vampire is kind-hearted and mentally stable enough to avoid wishing revenge upon someone or using their newfound vampire status as an excuse to treat people badly, I sincerely doubt that the psychological transition from human to vampire would hit that hard. Trauma caused the Mukami brothers to develop such a vicious nature, exactly like Yui in HDB did at one point when, as a result of being mentally broken, she started killing people in an After story. While pure-blood vampires do have their own set of morals and they obviously need blood to survive, I wouldn’t say they are inherently evil, taking into account that in LP and VC, some vampires were nice to Yui and the Diaboys. They are indeed predators, that’s something they can’t control no matter how much they try, but not all of them are malicious.

The Mukamis got rid of their humanity but they still kept acting like humans around one another because, after all, that’s how they were initially accustomed to. As for the Sakamakis… due to trauma as well, they were pretty twisted since childhood. I mean, most of them were the main cause something bad happened to any of their brothers in the past, therefore it’s to be expected that their relationship is not a healthy one. However, vampires are actually capable of experiencing human emotions, and Ayato is the living example of this given that he is confirmed as being the most human-like out of all due to the fact that he was already capable of displaying these emotions prior to meeting Yui (for example: wanting to sacrifice himself for his brothers, ruining Karl’s blue rose so as Cordelia wouldn’t get sad, crying when Cordelia died and, most importantly, valuing his life). Additionally, a vampire will begin to experience human emotions the more Eve's blood he consumes, so... that's basically part of the plan, according to what Karl said in Ayato’s DF route.

I wouldn't say the Mukamis hate humans; they held a grudge against aristocrats, but not humans in general, because they only see them as an inferior species. As for Ruki, the reason he would feel weak without his family isn’t only due to banding together or finding strength in number but rather it’s about them as his emotional support. Kou, Yuma, Azusa respect, praise and accept Ruki with all his qualities and flaws, therefore feeling needed and appreciated is actually what makes Ruki strong.

#admin

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robinreflects · 9 months

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Okay, I NEED to hear your thoughts on a few issues I have with SPOP (I also mention TOH a bit towards the end but mainly trying to focus this ask on SPOP). Also, it's long as hell, so if you want to answer it in multiple parts that's totally fair.

I know the writing of the show just generally speaking isn't the best, however the one thing I thought was executed best was the villains of the show.

Shadow Weaver was a cruel maternal figure in Catra and Adora's lives, even so to Glimmer in Season 4 when she had felt isolated from her friends (her father too, in the past). With a grand sacrifice in the names of who she practically considered her daughters, she had atoned for her actions throughout the series, but regardless, she left serious impacts on the characters' mentalities. Whether she was forgiven by the characters was left vague, as if they weren't too sure how they felt themselves. I really liked that aspect, as the experience of mixed feelings when an abusive parental and/or authority figure dies can be very impactful for viewers. She was someone lustful for power and control, but I do genuinely think she had a soft spot for Adora at the very least, which is why she had tried isolating her from the others in her squadron so often. I think it was in an effort to harden her resolve so her potential wouldn't be wasted, though of course, this was not done in a positive or healthy manner.

Hordak attempted to conquer Etheria in an effort to be recognized by Horde Prime. But then he meets Entrapta, who helped him with repairing his disability aid (that being the First Ones tech to keep his body stable, the very thing Hordak was shunned and abandoned for by Prime) and receiving validation for the "imperfection" he referred to his disability as ("Imperfection is beautiful! At least, to me."). That was the inciting moment where his motivation and goals shifted, but due to Catra's actions — her attacking Entrapta, then fabricating a lie that he had once again been abandoned, and later on being unapologetically ableist and apathetic by removing his aid, the aforementioned tech, and having him literally crawl on the floor in pain before her to address her power over him — he returned to prior goals until Double Trouble spilled the tea and sent him on a rampage after Catra. (And yes, I haven't forgotten the scene where he cuts off her oxygen, but she's not shown to be an asthmatic or having any respiratory issues, so that's shitty yes, but not ableist. And that was in either S1 or early S2, before he had really encountered Entrapta, so that's another thing to keep in mind.) Skip through the Horde Prime mess, and he ends the series being sent to Beast Island to clean up according to Stevenson, whereas characters like Catra (who quite literally fucked more shit up than him somehow with the portal, nearly destroying the world) get off scot-free because...She got the heaping dose of writer's favoritism, I guess. Also his atonement for his actions was stated as Word Of God by Stevenson on Twitter, not explicitly in the show, so it's completely fair to take it with a grain of salt and/or have it be up to viewers' interpretation.

I'll also put Entrapta and Scorpia here real quick, but I'll keep it brief cause this is already so long. I think Entrapta is by definition chaotic neutral, where she will go to lengths and extremes in the name of science and personal interest, but doesn't care about the war or which side she appears to be on. Yes, she absolutely appears to be on the side of the horde by the end of S1, but exclusively because they offer the most tech for her to work with (that and the other princesses never appeared to be fond of her…); she never seems to pay the war any mind. I thought Scorpia was a decent enough character, I could tell from the get-go she would be eventually redeemed and while I don't think she's perfect, her redemption was leagues better than the other arc I'm thinking of…

I decided to put Catra as her own bullet point cause WHEW there's a lot. Catra as a character was objectively best when she was a villain. And considering how she crossed the threshold of "in too deep," beyond the lengths even HORDAK was willing to go (again, literally almost ending the world out of nothing but pure spite and hatred for Adora """abandoning""" her), all because she couldn't abuse Adora and blame her for everything bad that happened to her anymore, it was strong antagonist characterization. One that the writers poorly chose to just throw out the window at the last second for some Starco-esque endgame for fanservice/the creator's favoritism that DID NOT feel deserved. Yeah, Starco. I said it.

While having a relationship between two lesbians (if memory serves me right, feel free to correct me if one of them's sapphic) is very important for representation in media, Catradora had to have been one of the worst examples of good lesbian/WLW representation I've seen to date. It's toxic, it's abusive, and Adora's got some serious Stockholm syndrome with Catra being her abuser. It is genuinely unsettling how many people act like it's healthy and normal or will excuse it because "Catra has [Insert disorder/disability here] so the abusive behavior is justified" when explanations for behaviors =/= valid excuses. Adora for sure had PTSD but she never acted as irrational and cruel despite her upbringing.

And also, that is extremely ableist shit to say, too. Just because someone has a mental disorder or disability of some kind doesn't excuse them to just be a disgustingly horrible person to the people they claim they care about. If Catra REALLY loved and cared for Adora, we would've seen an effort on her end to change the shitty fucking behaviors she exhibited. But when Adora goes through hell and back to save her sorry ass, she goes right back to the abusive, manipulative, bitchy person she's always been. Hell, her "adorable confession scene" IS JUST HER MANIPULATING ADORA BY SAYING ADORA HAD CONSTANTLY ABANDONED HER WHEN SHE NEVER DID THAT. ONCE. Hearing the "just this once, stay" part at the end sounds like it came from an abusive ex begging Adora to get back together, not a heartfelt romantic gesture from a soon-to-be lover.

Not to mention the odd implications of Shadow Weaver being akin to a mother figure to BOTH of them (didn't she call them her children???) throughout their lives, as well as Kyle believing they, Lonnie and Rogelio to be his siblings, family, before Lonnie yells at him…Like, the fact even ONE of the squadron members saw the others as siblings ALONGSIDE S.W.'s maternal shtick, it's a huge weird ass red flag. I'm not gonna claim it's incest because I don't believe that was the intention by the writers, but they also heavily imply such with the aforementioned information the show provides...They should've just had Catra and Adora be friends from separate squadrons if they didn't wanna make it feel so icky (as if the abusive shit doesn't make the relationship gross enough). Lonnie yelling at Kyle saying "we were never a family" or whatever feels like the writers speaking through the character to justify Catradora being canon, especially with how the characters act around each other in S1 and in flashbacks. I have siblings, that's shit siblings do. Don't even get me started with Kyle and Rogelio dating in the end, either...Idc what ANYONE says, he literally stated explicitly that he viewed Rogelio as a brother for most of their lives, that makes me ill. I have gripes with both Steven Universe and The Owl House as well, don't get me wrong, but I feel Garnet/Rupphire and Lumity were both objectively better written lesbian/sapphic pairings (my personal favorite of the two being Garnet), as well as the positive and healthy representation lesbians and sapphics heavily deserve. The SPOP writers completely dropped the ball with the enemies-to-lovers bit, like, horribly. Catra post-S4 is just a horribly written """redeemed""" character who should've stayed bad to the bitter end ala S.W.

I feel like both SPOP and TOH's writing integrity is severely diminished when it comes to the Tumblr-humor thing you had mentioned in a previous post. I think if not for Eda, I genuinely wouldn't have continued TOH past the first couple of episodes because of it, and it only got worse over time, especially in the last couple of S3 episodes. Which one was worse, or if both were the same as far as the humor goes, I wanna know your thoughts. I haven't seen SPOP all the way through since about a year ago, but I feel like it wasn't as bad as TOH — at the very least, to my memory of the show, SPOP knew not to crack dumbass one liners in the midst of a genuinely serious moment.

I'll put this here as well, but if you can think of anything else to discuss PLEASE do so, I want to hear all the tea.

Oh my god Hi! So sorry for the late response!

I'll separate this into bullet points so it's easier to navigate

She-Ra's writing

Shadow Weaver

Hordak (+ Entrapta and Scorpia)

Catra(dora)

She-Ra and Representation (Double Trouble)

Ok so let’s get this out of the way first: I am not a fan of She-Ra, even on my first watch I heavily disliked it. I was one of the people that watched it in its original run, I tuned in right after season 2 was released, circa a week or so later. And even THEN, in 2019, as a wee little 15-year-old, who has JUST realized that I wanted to pursue writing as a career, I noticed just how inconsistent the writing is.

So, She-Ra’s writing, just overall writing, is something I’ve always had an issue with. A lot of the characters felt inconsistent. Frosta is the first example that comes to mind. She is a child, however, in season 1 she is presented as a mature, strict, amazing leader of an entire kingdom, however, later on, she’s just dumbed down to a “haha annoying child” for attempts at some incorrect-quote-esque dynamic and dialogue. You've mentioned it too with The Owl House and She-ra has the exact same problem, however, I'd say on a much more jarring and apparent level. With the Owl House, as annoying and out of pocket as these incorrect-quote-esque jokes are, they're still kids, they're children and I'd say The Owl House has a much more slice of life/comedy approach to its writing than what She-Ra intended to have. As I've said, with She-Ra it's more jarring, since it's more of a fantasy/adventure/action/drama type of show, at least that's what it was going for, the jokes stand out a lot more, and feel as though they're just haphazardly thrown in there for the sake of fan service. Which, in turn, makes the characters feel as though they lack dimension. Adora is my prime example of this, there have been so many instances where, for the sake of fan service, she has been dumbed down to the very popular "stupid strong golden retriever" type of character in a sapphic dynamic.

A character that stood out to me as one of the better-written ones is Shadow Weaver. Her dark and brooding nature was always interesting to me, not to mention Lorraine Toussaint did a fantastic job. Something I admire about her character writing is that they never made her abuse over the top, they never made her too loud or too abusive to the point you can point a finger and say "Well that's just a stereotypical abuser in media!", which, again, I really appreciate about the show. I won't say they made her realistic, but out of all the characters, I'd say she came closest to being such.

Hordak I didn't and still don't have much opinion on, his overall villain characterization and motivation are pretty standard, especially for, what's marketing itself as, a kid's cartoon. What did stand out to me, however, was his covert disability. Now what do I mean by covert? It's pretty clear he's disabled. Covert in terms of symbolism, I have not been able to find what actual disability his disability is supposed to represent, I've seen people interpret it as diabetes, I've seen people interpret it as an autoimmune disease, while I myself have interpreted it as a heart transplant/ heart disease and his disability aid as a pacemaker. As my grandfather was one of the first and longest-living people with a heart transplant + pacemaker in Croatia, I've seen many side effects of it and it aligns quite well with Hordak's disability. Though it didn't feel like blatant sympathy points (unlike some other character that I will talk about later), it gave him more characterization outside of being "a big bad villain guy". His and Entrapta's story is one that I found quite endearing and it felt like it flowed naturally, no pushing them together, no forcing it, it felt genuine and nicely paced. Scorpia is also a very sweet character, nothing much to say about her except I really enjoyed it whenever she was on screen. Her character design is one of my favorite's in the show and don't even get me started on Lauren Ash because she did a FANTASTIC job!

Catra though is an entirely different story. I never liked her. On any level. Her as a villain also didn't sit right with me, she never felt like a true villain and in the end never felt like a true "hero" or good guy, hell I can't even label her as an anti-hero. I can just label her as... Catra; a weak attempt to write a morally gray antagonist. Or rather, a lot of cliche dialogues and plot points jumbled into one of the antagonists. I think her weak characterization ties in with the fanfiction-esque style of writing I talked about earlier. I also can't sympathize with her character at all, not for a lack of trying or my prejudice, but because the writer's favoritism and the writer's sympathy are ALWAYS pushed onto Catra so much. The consequences of her actions are practically non-existent and when they are, they are framed as though it's the other character's fault (ie. Catra being alone after Adora left.).

What I mean by that is, most of the bad things that happen to Catra, do not happen to her because of something she did, but rather her circumstances, she just keeps doing bad things and gets away with it. There are no consequences for anything that she does. This might be a stupid analogy, but let's say I slap one of my friends and they do not react, however, when I get home my mother slaps me. These are two separate occurrences that, while they do evoke empathy for me (or rather the lyrical I in this hypothetical) since I am being abused, have nothing to do with each other in terms of consequence for what I have done to my friend. Now, if I slap my friend and they either slap me back or perhaps yell at me for doing so, that is a consequence of the action I have done. We rarely see the latter with Catra, in most of the abuse scenes, most of her breakdowns, and most of the scenes that are framed in a way that we as the viewer as supposed to feel bad for Catra in, are just sympathy points. They are FRAMED (writing, voice acting, editing, pacing of the scene) so we feel bad for her and almost as to excuse everything she has done as some kind of defense mechanism almost. This is getting a bit long and I still have 2 points I want to talk about, so I will stop the Catra portion here. Feel free to ask for other specifics or a better explanation if you want!

And now we go onto, Catradora. From my previous section, you might have guessed I am not a fan of the relationship. As much as I'd love to go into detail about how abusive Catra is throughout all of the seasons, their relationship was written as a friends-to-enemies-to-lovers romance, so I'll disregard the portion of the time they were enemies in. Nevertheless, even if you do cut out that portion of their relationship, they are still quite a toxic and abusive couple. When they were growing up, Catra didn't let Adora hang out with the other kids, going as far as scratching her across the face when Adora suggested Catra, Adora, and Lonnie all be friends. Throwing her, jumping on her stomach with the intent of hurting her. Not to mention the manipulative nature of the love confession. And this is something I haven't seen people talk about, but... Adora does not and cannot make Catra feel safe and loved. And that, I believe, is one of the core problems of their relationship we see this, especially in the last season. No matter what Adora does or says, Catra simply does not believe her. I am sorry to cut this short here, with such a strong and in many ways controversial statement, but, as I said, always shoot me an ask for a more in-depth explanation!

The last portion I want to talk about is Double Trouble...and the fact that they're the only non-binary character within the show. I won't talk about their role in the story, an LGBTQ character can be evil or neutral, they don't always have to be good, as long as their villainous behavior is not a damaging stereotype for the community (such as a lesbian character praying on another woman) or their behavior isn't romanticized (ie. Catra). Double Trouble is I believe one of the more damaging representations of the show. They are a non-binary, shape-shifting lizard who imitates anyone they want to gain and manipulate and sees it as performance... Which is one of the MOST COMMON THINGS I've seen non-binary people being labelled as. As well as the only non-binary character within the show not being human, when most, if not all, other characters are human or human-adjacent. When I say Double Trouble is not only a bad but harmful representation of the non-binary community, I really mean it.

Thank you so much for the ask, I hope I was able to articulate my points well! And sorry for this post being incredibly long!

#robin reflects asks #robin reflects on shera #spop critical #spop criticism #anti catra #anti catradora #hordak #shadow weaver #doube trouble critical

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onlyplatonicirl · 1 year

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Errink word waterfall for no reason

I think when you really analyze just how absolutely fucked Errink can be, it becomes a very interesting dynamic

I know a lot of people who write them in super healthy nice relationships, and there's nothing wrong with that, fluff heals the soul.

But let's assume we're going off their more canon-ish personalities, and see logically how that plays out.

(This may lean a bit into personal interpretation so if you don't think its accurate, remember im not comyet or CQ and errink isn't canon anyways lololol. I just love my hypotheticals.)

Ink is driven mostly by his drive to stay alive, to feel emotion, and to not be forgotten. He wants validation, he treats emotions and feelings like a drug, and will seek them out anywhere he can find them. This state of soullessness can occasionally drive him to make morally unethical decisions in his pursuit of feeling and entertainment. It is not out of bounds to call him selfish at all. He is extremely selfish, whether he wants to admit it or not. His emotions can impact who he is as a person. Most of his life he's aroace but if he downs a vial of pink stuff then he'll have love hearts in his eyes because he doesn't work the same way people with souls do. He is at the whim of his paints, and while he can keep himself stable, he can also mentally alter his state of mind however he pleases, which is an incredibly scary ability.

(Side note: When i wrote the tcoti chapter when ink was acting like a lunatic over error, I had a few people be like "Lorel this feels out of character, Ink wouldn't behave like that." YES!!! That is extactly the point!!!! He has full control over his own emotional state, and therefore his mental state. He can manipulate himself into a wildly different person if he so chooses, and he literally chose to douse himself in pink out of guilt to the point he could no longer think straight anymore and his whole thought process was clouded with an extreme, unnatural, and manic sense of obsessive love. Him being out of character was precisely the point, and something I absolutely love about Ink.)

Now moving onto Error:

Error is a manbaby, Error is incapable of a lot of empathy, and has this absolutely insane murderous mentality that literally results in mass deletions of entire universes and civilizations. His actions are absolutely monstrous, and I feel like a lot of fans overlook just how wildly evil a lot of his actions. Does he have an excuse? Sure - he's completely insane. Spending so much time in an anti-void that corrupts whatever's in it past repair can definitely have some ill affects on your mental health and world views. He cannot be touched, he cannot socialize with others without trying to intimidate them, and he does not have any friends. Well, anyone that he genuinely has a friendship with anyways besides generally tolerating. For the most part, he is alone, left to knit and watch TV. Despite his actions being abhorrent when it comes to his disregard of other character's lives, he's clearly not without feeling. He is shown to care about others on occasion, he does genuinely like a few people enough to not want to kill them, and he enjoys trash tv. He has a very distinct personality. He's not a complete monster, but is not really the most friendly and approachable guy either. Plus, not to mention what being alone for years and years on end can do to your social skills. Now put the two of them together.

Ink would find Error to be absolutely fascinating. Ink, when on a default emotional palette, is a pretty friendly guy, and really likes making connections. (Again, for selfish reasons of entertainment? Very possible.) Why wouldn't he want to make a connection with such an utterly unique character, one who's personality and morals are unlike any other he's come across? Error would hate him, of course he would - Ink directly interferes with his plans of absolute destruction, and Error interferes with Ink's. The two cannot coexist peacefully. They are each other's antithesis.

But imagine time passing. Years, decades. How long do you think Error can continue to sit in a white void of silence before it starts wearing him away? It's already sandpapered his mind into a mangled mess of what it once was, but no one can be alone for so long. Error never seems to make any progress destroying the universes. More pop up than he can destroy. Not to say he doesn't try - what else can he even do if not that? Even with his narcissistic and temperamental behavior, would it really be a stretch to say that he may eventually start to fade, to become lonely, to start rethinking the ideologies of destruction he's had since he can remember waking up in this blank space? Would it be out of character for him to begin to feel a gnawing at his soul, wondering what will become of him one day? a deeply subconscious craving for any type of positive presence in his life - a friend, a family, someone who loves him whether that be romantic, platonic, familial. Those with souls naturally wish to seek affection. There is only so long one can go spending their whole lives alone and without any type of affection or anything. How long can you spend knowing you are utterly despised by so so so many?

And Ink? He's found that spending time with Error has been emotionally fulfilling him in a way he never thought possible. new experiences combine emotions into something new, something more diverse and broad than simply "happy" or "sad" or "mad", like a elementary schooler's mood chart. He's found a comfort in someone who's outcasted and unique for it, just like he is. While they don't have the same problem, Error has no qualms with his lack of soul, just as Ink has no qualms with is horrid crimes. Ink gets hooked on this feeling of new emotional bonds. They're like the connecting of neurons that had not previously been attached, lighting up an entirely sperate pathway in a brain. It's addicting. So Ink wants to try something new. Something he's never tried before, and something he thinks will utterly shake the course of his world - an brand new form of enjoyment, to fill up the emotional void in his chest and fall back on his endearing opposite.

And Error, maybe Error's willing to go along with it, after spending so long alone, maybe he's just happy someone genuinely cares.

Ink promises him a happier life, one where he can be truly happy instead of truly being miserable. Error isn't entirely sure about it but agrees anyways. They both take it slow.

But underneath their relationship lies two extremely flawed, manipulative, and selfish creatures, sucking the life out of one another to stop the leaks in their own boats. And they're not quite sure if it's even working.

#errink #errorink #this is my personal analysis of their relationship #and why i think it can work if you take the time to understand #the relationship two characters with these personalities may have #again im not cq or comyet so if you want to disagree with me more power to you lmao #this is how i envision their relationship in tcoti btw #they're both so fucked up and then they make it everyone else's problem

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polyhexian · 7 months

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Ah okay I have an idea for Jasper's mental health journey in Eventually.

I've got two meta reasons for why Jasper should be mostly-mentally-stable. The first is Hunter, obviously; the kid's going through it, and he needs this new parental figure in his life to be, like, okay. As delightful as Jasper's breakdown in MH has been, it would be super bad for everyone involved if his mental health was anywhere near that point in Eventually. The second reason is CAMILA, who just became a mother of 6 and absolutely does not deserve to also be shoehorned into playing therapist for a grown man. I love the idea of Camila and Jasper being friends, and Camila deserves to have a friend who, while definitely traumatized, is also mostly on top of his shit. Once he's no longer unconscious on her couch I think Jasper would be a huge help around the house and with the kids and he and Camila should be the responsible adults supporting EACH OTHER, so we don't want him to be a hidden wreck or a ticking time bomb.

So the first few years after his "death" Jasper reads parenting books as a coping mechanism. It helps him visualize where Hunter's at in his development. Every so often he thinks "he's probably taking his first steps right now" or "he should be speaking with a few words per sentence by now" and it's sad but it helps.

But eventually the baby books run out (is there really much of a market for them past, like, age 5?), and also Jasper is well aware of the fact that he left his child in an extremely bad situation. He knows what Belos is capable of, and while he has hope his kid PROBABLY won't ever see his own spinal cord, he's not stupid enough to think that being called "nephew" will actually protect Hunter from all of it. Child abuse is a thing, and it's a thing that's usually perpetrated by, y'know, family members.

There aren't any books entitled How To Unindoctrinate Your Estranged Child Soldier, but that doesn't stop him. He reads everything he can find on the subject and learns about allllll the things. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, gaslightning, manipulation, CSA. (He hopes to the Titan he won't need to know about that last one, but then he wonders if it'd be preferable to, like, being beaten to the edge of death and dragged back from the brink with healing magic multiple times, and then he just feels awful that he's even trying to decide what the "better" sort of abuse to endure would be.)

And pretty regularly he happens upon a paragraph that is, like, scarily relevant to his own lived experience and he needs to reevaluate some things. Maybe he tries to brush it off, but the more he interacts with Hunter, the less he's able to do that.

Book: Believing that love is transactional is, in fact, a sign of trauma, and not good or healthy.

Jasper: …haha, right, okay.

Hunter, at their next fight: I am LOYAL to Emperor Belos, I OWE him, and I HAVE to keep working hard so he'll LOVE me!

Jasper: Oh my Titan okay yeah this is really upsetting to hear and deal with, actually.

Sometimes after their fights Jasper has to just…go lay down and stare at the ceiling for a while before re-reading his self-help books and grumbling while he takes notes like ugh, FINE, they were RIGHT. He and Hunter end up working on their issues after their reunion because they see themselves reflected in each other and they HATE it.

Jasper: Look, I'M not important. YOU'RE the one who's important here and I WILL sacrifice myself for you.

Hunter: Dear Titan this is infuriating.

Luz: Now YOU know how it feels.

Hunter: Maybe it'd be better if I'd just died, that way I'd stop causing problems for everyone I love.

Jasper: *deep breath*

At some point in the Human Realm Hunter has a bad mental health day and locks himself in the basement, and Camila finds Jasper sitting at the kitchen table and she's like, you okay? And he's like, I've read a lot about this, but all my books and notes are back in the Demon Realm and I feel like I'm flying blind and have no idea what I'm doing. And she's like, actually that's pretty par for the course when it comes to being a parent. And he's like, oh really? That's kinda reassuring, thanks. I'll just wait and see if he wants to talk about it later.

omg.... eventually!jasper is like... he's so isolated, he doesnt have anyone he trusts and he doesnt have a single person he'd call a friend. he's fallen back on the same thing he did under belos in a way- there is one single driving motivation in his life and absolutely nothing else matters. whether it was serving the emperor or saving hunter, he HAS dedicated everything inside of him to one single person at a time. probably not great, but! he could be doing worse. also, MH jasper is having a lot of breakdowns, but its also been less than two years for him lmfao. for eventually!jasper its been sixteen!! hes had a lot of time to gather his shit together

im actually imagining the isolation is less like. immediately of a problem because hes fairly used to it. he only ever had one friend before and he didnt much trust him either, not with his secrets. so being alone is... well, just what hes used to. hes also probably like. deeply in hiding wherever he is. he doesnt have magic and his face is all fucked up and if word got back to belos about it, he would totally suspect if not outright know.

ive kind of got this mental image of- you know at the end of the time travel episode when belos goes into his little cave house and its. like. hes got normal house stuff in there. like he has shirts hanging to dry on the cave walls. sure theres like evil grimwalker stuff in there too but its the domestic items i find hysterical. so like. im imagining jasper has found himself a nice secluded cave to bunker down in but also hes had sixteen years to straight of domesticate that place. there are definitely couches in there. hes got a CB. hes probably got running water and hes stealing electricity from the neighbors. and cable. and then just books fucking everywhere. jesus christ. theyre everywhere. what else would he fucking do with his time; hunter isnt allowed out of the castle on weekdays. that is. so much time to just Do Nothing.

he probably does hang out with the CATTs on non hunter missions too, if only because some of them will fuck over belos which he actively wants, or has no impact on the hunter situation either way, but improving his relationship with the CATTs before he inevitably pisses them off again is always a good idea. also, its something to fucking do.

god yeah just. camila with this bizarre man in her house. hes not having breakdowns, he doesnt like not understand that other people have feelings, hes mostyl together, hes just fucking weird. he hasnt been around people for this long in basically his entire life. hes not wearing a mask and hes never spent so much time without a mask in his entire life. hunter is here???? hes spent 16 years trying to save hunter and uhhhh shit i did it. i am not entirely sure what to do now. turns out you can spend sixteen years planning out this reunion and then it all go out the window immediately. also hes been living in a cave and hes forgotten basic rules of being in a house sometimes. hes very POLITE and gracious to camila especially like, i imagine both him and hunter frequently thank her and offer To Do Anything She Needs and its like. so fucking funny to see them both just Like That.

omg hunter gets to actually meet hawk hunter. "haha yeah he saved my life. hes like three hundred years old and he cant talk. look at this gnarly scar hes got. he bites me a lot"

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kamyru · 3 months

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Trigger warning: Suicidal ideation

Spoiler warning

I was watching a podcast and the guest started to talk about their mental health and dropped this phrase: "I leave my good house, drive a fantastic car to my adored job where I make a lot of money to bring home, kiss my beloved kids and beloved wife, after which I'm lying in bed and want to die."

For a long time I have thought that Voltage, even if not very obviously, tries to depict characters that struggle emotionally, with the way they joke about dying, the trauma they went through, and sometimes even the dialogues they have with MC or other characters in the story. So, here are the characters I have thought about when I heard the above mentioned quote: Takaomi Tsugaru & Munechika Takado. There are more, but maybe I didn't think of them or didn't read their story.

Takado is more of the "joking" about suicide type of person. I do have a post somewhere in this blog with a screen from him where he says: "I'm not that suicidal." Takado himself acknowledges his suicidal inclinations and the trouble he has with this. And while I do really appreciate the relationship between the EICU doctors and think that their dynamics is very well written and healthy, and funny, and fantastic and aaaaa. I still somehow feel bad for Takado that he doesn't have a friend as close to him as Momose is to Tsugaru or Sen is to Kasumi. And I don't think that you can compare someone's suffering and say that someone has it easier than someone else, though a more mentally stable friend would be of a good aide for him. No, this is not putting the responsibility from one person to another and burdening someone uselessly. As a suicide prevention line volunteer, I know first-hand that this is bad and we have to think firstly about our own safety and wellness. But, also as a suicide prevention line volunteer I do know the importance of having someone near you. This is one of the tools we use for helping the people that are asking for help. And in Takado's case he does have group of good friends, a good relationship with his sister, and MC. Yet, unlike Kasumi and Tsugaru, there's no person except MC later in the story, for which Takado can continue living. Truth be told, sometimes we have to live for others, because living for ourselves is not enough.

So, let's talk a little about Tsugaru, because I don't remember everything in big detail to talk a lot about him. But do you remember the season in which he told MC that he is not afraid to die and he can do it whenever, and doesn't really want to live or something like this? It's not hard to guess that this man needs therapy. And I really wish somewhere in the story he goes to it, because always leaning on MC & Momose is not the healthiest and most surest way to cope with everything. But I do really appreciate the fact that he has Momose. Tsugaru is one of the most obviously struggling character I have read about in a Voltage game. It's as if all the problems, traumas, and darkest past decided to use him as their meeting point. I don't remember if it was clearly written or if I just headcanonned this in my mind, but I do think that at some point, the only reason Tsugaru continued living was because of Momose.

And I do appreciate that Voltage creates this type of characters, even if they may do it more for the shock value than for showing diversity. Though, I would really like to read a mention of them going to therapy. Or, I do want to see them struggling deeply with this even if they are with MC. Because !Spoiler! Love doesn't magically cure all your mental health problems.

Maybe that's my "I want to be a psychiatrist" part talking, or the love for deeply troubled men in fiction, but I do have to thank Voltage for creating them, so that I can write fics about how troubled they are.

P.S. Another character that I somehow think about in this situations is Kuranosuke Kiba, but not because he has ever shown symptoms of suicidal ideas, but because he has a story of trauma behind him. He does give me the aura of a: "Yeah, this was a great day... I want to die." He doesn't have an obvious traumatic past that screams MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. What he has is very close to a lot of us, is easily to understand, and easy to interpret. It's the "I do conceptually love my family. But I can't bring myself to have a healthy relationship with them." And the good thing is that he tries to get better at least by understanding that he do really has a problem. (Plus, I do adore the scene in which he comes back after a meeting with his parents and falls on the sofa without any energy. It shows him as a vulnerable and relatable character.)

I'm always open to discussion about this characters or some others that you can think about in this case.

#her love in the force #oops i said yes #romance md: always on call #romance md #takaomi tsugaru #kuranosuke kiba #munechika takado #voltage inc

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sleepy-shutin · 1 year

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seeing that post by sophie was one of the biggest pieces of evidence that sophie doesn't know literally a god damn thing about DID.

she hasn't done enough research into DID to know that the last literal leading theory for how DID develops before the theory of structural dissociation was that children had imaginary friends that they dissociated and projected their trauma and trauma-related feelings onto to cope with the trauma they received, where these imaginary friends later became alters.

this right here is, by itself, one of the biggest reasons you should never take anything that sophie says seriously. she is a pseudo-intellectual who doesn't care about scientific fact, she just wants to sound smart, seriously.

she also (and the anon in the post) just don't know what the fuck self states even are. they're not fully formed separate identities without amnesia between them, they're states of being. self states are activated in certain situations, such as when the person is in distress or in need of comfort, or in need of mental stimulation and play, for example. EVERYONE has self states, from children to adults. "work self" and "home self" are self states that adults have, and children may have "school self" and "home self" self states. the difference in children is that these self states are less stable and less well regulated because the child is still developing, (which is how we can get to fragmentation where self states become full blown alters down the line if trauma is introduced), while in a healthy adult without a CDD, they tend to be more stable/consistent and are integrated.

even this is a very simplified explanation, but it should get the point across. you don't "remember" having self states as children because you're not supposed to remember having self states. they're certain action systems and sets of behaviors activated under certain circumstances, not necessarily something you actively choose to do.

when a young child is hungry, they may go into a self state that focuses almost exclusively on food and becomes distressed when it cannot be accessed for whatever reason, be it neglect or just an inappropriate time for the child to be eating. adults can regulate their hunger self states much better than children because their whole sense of self is much more well integrated and stable than that of a two year old.

you people would know this if you'd read the haunted self.

she kept posting screencaps of the DSM's entry for DID, which doesn't mention a trauma requirement because people with DID often don't remember their trauma or downplay it, it has vague wording like "associated with" instead of "directly caused by" because that is the nature of clinical language. in the DSM (and the clinical literature on DID itself, for the record), it mentions no other cause for DID than trauma, at all. if there were other causes people knew of, then it would be listed. if DID could just *happen* then it would be mentioned. but it can't, so the DSM says all of this instead.

people criticized her for posting these cherry picked and intentionally misread screenshots of the DID entry in the DSM, so she then took to posting the comorbidities section of the entry for PTSD instead, which says that the [visible] onsets of DID and other dissociative disorders could be preceded by a traumatic event. not that the disorders can be caused by single trauma, but rather that the symptoms could be visible under stress. this is another intentional misinterpretation of a cherry-picked part of the DSM, which is the only clinical literature sophie has read on DID.

oh, and, trauma primarily before the age of 2 can in fact cause DID in some cases. need i remind people that one of the lowest age range for the development of DID was up to 4 years old. not at all an agreeable age range, but there is a reason for that, and the reason for that is that things like newborn abuse and young toddler abuse can and do occur and cause DID in people. specifically, the kinds of DID it tends to cause are DID with comorbid BPD and polyfragmented DID because of how impactful the trauma is/can be at that age.

i follow more than one person on social media whose DID was caused by trauma and abuse and neglect from before the age of 5, some people even with mostly infant/young toddler abuse, like diagnosed and everything. so the notion that DID can't be caused by such things is just... wrong. sure, that's more than likely not the only factor that went into developing the DID of these people (trauma is never the only factor that goes into developing DID), but that doesn't make it any less wrong. while i can't say that these things are commonly the result of newborn/infant/young toddler abuse, or that these forms of abuse themselves are even especially common, i can say that this does happen.

all this to say: sophie is a pseudo-intellectual who has no business talking about DID the way she does, when she has barely scratched the surface in regards to reading clinical research on DID. first claiming continuously that DID can be caused by something other than trauma and citing nothing but the DSM (proving she hasn't read anything else on DID other than the DSM entry for it, because literally all the clinical literature on DID says it is inherently a traumagenic disorder, all the way back to its MPD days; the other sources saying it's not traumagenic are also saying that it's not real, i.e. the fantasy model. the DSM itself doesn't list another cause for DID than trauma, so anything she posts about DID not being inherently traumagenic is cherry-picking, intentional misreadings, and hypothetical based on clinical language that sounds that way for a reason), to this nonsense.

also, conveniently, she never lists what exactly can cause DID outside of trauma, or what would cause a person to dissociate to such an extent that they develop fully autonomous dissociated parts with amnesia between each other other than trauma. dissociation is inherently disconnection, and while dissociation is nowhere near DID-specific, dissociation to the extent of a disorder, and especially to the extent of DID, has no reason to happen without trauma. don't give me that "brains are complex" bullshit.

i'm saying this to everyone regardless of syscourse stance: sophie is not a reliable source on DID whatsoever. she has not read the literature, rather she pretends she has, and speaks on DID as if she knows anything about it when in actuality, she doesn't know what in the actual, gluten-free, home-grown fuck she's talking about, and just makes shit up 90% of the time, all basing it on pretty much nothing but poorly done endo studies and the DSM's entry for DID.

sophie doesn't care about being right, she cares about cherry picking, intentional misreadings of clinical literature and being intentionally obtuse, and doing whatever she can to save face and look right.

there are a lot of reasons not to listen to sophie and her bullshit, but her dedication to be as wrong as possible while posing herself as some kind of misunderstood high-brow academic. she continuously says the most wrong shit you've ever heard, and then doubles down as much as possible. nobody should be listening to her about anything, let alone DID.

and for reference, not to have a dick measuring contest or anything, but here is a portion of my personal library on clinical research on DID:

this isn't even all my papers, and doesn't get into the books i have on the subjects of trauma & dissociation.

to be clear: if you use this post to send hate or harassment to sophie, you are verifiably worse than her and her misinformation. do not use my post as an excuse to send some random internet assholes anonymous hate. doing so only fuels the dickbaggery of these people. i made this post specifically so people know not to listen to her.

#part zero #syscourse #sophieinwonderland #i am so sick of sophie #i genuinely don't care what endos are doing #in that i mean i believe in endogenic systems #and i believe they should have their own communities #and should be able to have support and....#whatever else they want i guess #and that plurality can be a great and beautiful thing for many people #that helps them and their mental health #and all that shit #genuinely #like do whatever #but sophie is a pseudo-intellectual moron #who makes things up #pretends there's more conclusive evidence #on endos than there actually is #sometimes using sources that outright disprove #what she's saying #or straight up aren't trying to say what she says #they're saying like at all #and then goes around and pretends that she's read #soooooo much on DID #when she hasn't posted anything about DID #outside of the fucking DSM #because she hasn't fucking read anything #but somehow believes she has the authority #to say a god damn thing about it #do not ever listen to her

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rabble-dabble · 1 year

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hi. i know it's been a while and i'm sorry for that.

i guess if you'd just like to know what's going on click the readmore?

if you don't wanna read that though, tldr is that i'm starting to draw hs characters for art practice, and that i'm doing this art "series" (i guess?) for myself to improve. oh, and that life is hard sometimes.

so this isn't really easy to say, and especially not to the internet with a buncha strangers following me (haha) but truthfully, i've been having a hard time both with art and with life lately.

i feel like i'm not keeping up with consistency or the expectations i set for myself with art both on this blog and off. i keep finding myself unsatisfied, disgusted, or just disappointed with how my art turns out, or the ending piece. i feel like i used to know where my art was going, and now i've somehow lost sight. i know the individual things i need improvement on (backgrounds, objects, animals, feet anatomy, colour techniques, body shapes, etc etc etc) but it all just feels like so much and if i get practice on one thing, i stop drawing for a while and i just lose the practice i learned.

so i kinda came up with a solution. draw all the hs characters again - interesting, right? (/s). but i'm not gonna do this for the blog (so, sorry followers). i'm gonna do it for me. no expectations, i don't have a set time limit so no stressing myself, and i just draw the characters as i'd like, trying to improve. this is also to just help myself with wanting to draw again - i draw IRL almost everyday, but nothing that i want or that's...well, artistic/creative. i want to create, like it's eating underneath me in my soul, but i can't find myself to do anything more than pencil sketches.

that kinda brings me to my other problem lately: real life. haha.

if you've been following me long enough, you know i don't really post about my IRL problems here, or especially not to this extent. yeah, i've had my one or two vent posts, but i try to keep it off here because a part of me knows its no benefit to have that kind of depressing, low-self esteem stuff on an art blog that i reblog minecraft and john/kat to.

but truthfully, i don't just wanna pretend it's sunshine and rainbows on here. i'm so tired, and i'm stressed, and i've been through the emotional woodchipper lately that i can barely keep my head on straight. yes, i'm trying to get help for all this (i have a doctors appointment soon, and i'm gonna try and get all my diagnosis in order and get therapy, etc) but i'm not coping well with everything that's been happening to me lately, and i can't keep trucking on the same way i have been like i'm more emotionally stable than i actually am.

i'm sorry if i've been acting more bitter, distant, or just different lately. i'm just exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and i'm starting to run out of energy to just function in my day-to-day. i actually cried at work the other day (for the first time!) for feeling so overwhelmed with everything i had to do (both in my job and outside of it, fuck retail btw it sucks). i have small support in friends and family, but they're not the type of support i genuinely need to function and keep myself healthy. and i can't rely on them in ways that aren't their responsibility, or that i truly need help with.

i'm not trying to air out ALL my dirty laundry here (hehehe) but i just felt like it was better to say i'm struggling emotionally then to just pretend i wasn't struggling at all. if i was a healthier person i probably wouldn't be venting here in the first place, but then again i probably wouldn't have all these problems hanging over me either, lol.

just...have patience with me, please. i just want life to be a little kind, or at least kind enough to get me to my first therapy appointment.

#homestuck #aradia medigo #doodleart #vent #<- its under the readmore kinda #anyways now that im not being depressing anybody see my diff brushes?#i used all three of them cause i wanted to (because i WANTED to. cool)#hs draw ref #<- new tag for this art series #so i can find it easier lol #i love how i said i wanted to improve on things other than people and i am drawing. people. SHUT #im gonna draw tavros or something with a background. maybe #idk ill need an idea but i have time #<- he is trying to comfort himself LMAO #brother the vent is WILD im so sorry to anybody tryna see art in the normal tags slajdfhjhdslf

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caffeineandkerosene · 23 days

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God so I recently started playing sweet pool which I am like. Not the target demographic for lmao, I honestly just came for the cannibalism/autocannibalism ending because while the other topics in the game aren't like, squicks for me they're also not really my thing but then. Oh my god. I was absolutely NOT fucking expecting to latch on to Zenya so hard, like, fuck. I have not related to/resonated with a character to an extent as far as this since I was a teen playing the first ever VN I got my hands on, like. Oh my god.

Essay under the cut because if I don't get my thoughts out I'm going to Explode:

Zenya is a really interesting contrast to Tetsuo, because while Tetsuo's abuse has in no way left him a normal/healthy human being, he is at least functional. Tetsuo is an exceptional student with "a rotation of girlfriends" and is shown multiple times to behave responsibly (remembering trash duty, not wanting to waste food, feeding the stray cat etc.)

But what Zenya's father did to him left Zenya permanently fucked up physically, mentally, and emotionally. Zenya's behavior is so erratic and unstable, he has no friends in school and everyone talks shit about him lmao. He has such obvious trust issues; while it's clear he does care about Kitani, he is convinced Kitani only puts up with his bullshit due to his loyalty to his father and by extension himself.

The shit with Zenya's family has completely isolated him from the rest of the world. Normal people literally can not understand what Zenya is going through, so why even bother? Zenya hates his father for what he did to him; he lashes out, he's moody, he literally can not control his emotions because of the sickness he's been infected with. And yet he still wants love, he still wants to become the functional Male his father wanted (with Zenya's endings he is either going to produce lots of "babies" with Youji or die cradling his intestines imagining they're the children he was supposed to produce).

We can assume based off the lyrics to Zenya's character song that he is extremely lonely (which is also kind of just. obvious given his situation and isolation) but his situation and circumstances make it impossible for him to reach out on a deep level to anyone with the exception of Youji. And oh my fucking god, VLG ending is what made me go fucking feral so let's talk about that.

Zenya is literally shown to be capable of having Kitani kidnap Youji and Tetsuo. AT ANY POINT IN THE GAME, Zenya could have made Kitani kidnap Youji to keep as his sex slave.

But he doesn't. Ever do that.

Zenya will only take Youji if he is gullible enough to fall for his trick. It's so glaringly obvious that Youji shouldn't trust Zenya that I genuinely could not find anything online of people talking about Zenya's ending being the first ending they got (Makoto's seems to be the most popular for people not using guides) even though Zenya's ending is the first chronologically. Zenya only takes Youji as his if he's gullible enough to follow him like a lamb to the slaughter.

Feeling like the only way someone can love you is through violence and control has been hardwired into Zenya's brain (tbh it was to me too through my abusive family though I'm lucky enough to be away from that and in a stable enough position to be able to work on actively unlearning that). Zenya's ending just fucking hit me like a semi truck because I can see how if I had been genuinely permanently trapped in my terrible situation like he is I could have ended up doing something similar. It's fucking chilling.

Literally everything I've talked about so far is already Real As Fuck for my problems specifically but then even Zenya's relationship with gender is similar to mine like oh my god. Zenya is a defective Male and it's hurt him so fucking deeply. Of course he resents perfect Male Tetsuo who easily gets everything that's been ripped away from him, god Zenya's jealousy is written so well. But the fucking awesome thing about Zenya is how he doesn't try to overcompensate masculinity like one might expect him to with a life like that-- Zenya doesn't use his trauma with masculinity as an excuse to resent all things feminine, but the exact opposite. Zenya leans into his nurturing side-- even in his ending where he literally keeps Youji as his sex/breeding slave he talks about how he wants to take care of him, how he wants to bathe with him and eat with him like. Did Tetsuo do ANYTHING remotely similar in the numerous times he raped Youji?? Literally one of the last parts of VLG is Zenya getting Youji clothes to match his beloved Kristi, Kristi whom he loves and does his best to nurture and take care for throughout the entire game, even making plans for how Kristi will be cared for after his inevitable death in the more "canon" endings. I tend not to headcanon gender and sexuality stuff on characters so I'm not going to theorize about what labels Zenya could be but I just want to say, as a bigender person I've never ever had a character I felt represented how I feel about myself and gender fuckery like with Zenya.

Just. God. I could talk even more about Zenya's reactions to canon events + his feelings about the religion and his chances of being saved but I don't think I have any coherency left at this point lmao. I relate to Zenya so fucking hard it kind of hurts, all of his traits are just so fucking real to me. As someone with such deep-running problems that impair my ability to function and react appropriately to stimuli I just honestly haven't seen a character I could relate to this deeply.

#im so embarrassed lmao god im. zenya shaped brainworms have infested my brain #sweet pool is the ultimate transmasc allegory okay

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kikyan · 9 months

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Hiya, hope you're having a lovely day^^

Haven't done one of these before, so I hope I don't mess up (And that my request is still valid in-terms of the event end date).

I'd like to request a yan. mash up for TWST & ObeyMe!

I'm 18, my pronouns are they/them, I'm a Cancer and INTJ. I'm a pretty anxious person. Having social anxiety, agoraphobia, being a homebody and just being an overall introvert, I tend to keep to myself and avoid going outside much. Im an over-thinker and a night owl. When I'm around people that I don't feel comfortable with, I'm very much a quiet, shy, jumpy, awkward, paranoid, tired lookin' loner. But when I get comfortable and l'm with close friends or family, I'm quite the opposite. I'm bold, sarcastic, and have a witty sense of humor, I’m a cocky little shit that likes to tease the hell outta people (obv because that's how I show love ^ ^) | can also be reckless at times given the right environment. But aside from that I’m a pretty chill person. I love to learn and indulge in other people’s interests. At times I can be extremely overconfident and daring yet insecure and cautious^^ im also really loyal to everyone I care about, I value community and trust, caring and supportive, the list goes on. As for some of my (debatably) negative traits, I can be quite blunt and straight forward (I don’t like sugar coating ), defensive if I’m proven wrong, I can occasionally be indifferent, passive aggressive, reclusive and aloof if I get pissed/sad (even if it’s for something small). I’ve been told i have rbf •_•). I like cleanliness and neatness, but I can also be somewhat messy when I procrastinate cleaning. Hobbies: I love drawing, I have a crap ton of sketchbooks that are filled with drawings front to back, and some that have never seen a pencil before ^^; (I have my fair share of twst and obey me fan art =w=). Reading, reading, and ReaDing! I’m a book worm^^ i mostly read horror, thrillers, and mystery novels. Also, I’m incredibly obsessed with gothic literature and poetry (I’m a bit of a writer myself). I live for horror! Movies, books, shows, etc. I specifically like psychological, cosmic, and gothic horror. Music wise, I listen to rock, metal, alternative, indie rock, post-punk, and new wave. Though I’ve recently been more into 80’s post-punk (as of right now my fav band is Caifanes, definitely recommend them). Style: I don’t usually care much for the way that I look, i prefer comfort over style most of the time. I usually ware black, anime t-shirts, baggy jeans, leather jackets or oversized hoodies, and my go-to converse or docs. I dunno what else to include, so I guess I’ll talk about what kind of person I like. I like it when people can be honest and voice their feelings, concerns, wants and needs. I definitely appreciate a proper and mature way of communicating. My receiving and giving love language is quality time and physical affection, so having someone who loves to receive and give both is an immediate green flag in my book. I personally like clingier personalities to a healthy degree, I swear ^^; I definitely love people who are openly lovey and romantic, I find it adorable, especially cause I’d do the same right back. A person who loves to try new things, and who loves spicy food (cuz being a picky eater,,, that’s a deal breaker). I like someone who shares my same hobbies and is just as ambitious as me. And if not, that they at least support and encourage me to do what I like. Personality wise, I like a person who is soft and caring, romantic, honest, noble, creative, humble, cautious, a night owl (so that me can both stay up late into the night) someone more mentally stable then me (that or just as mentally unstable as me =^=) and lastly someone who would also indulge in my hobbies with me. I hope I added enough of the right things for this request and that it’s not confusing >x< it’s long I know. Anyways, thank you so much for your work, I love everything you write, hope to see more of it. Take care love ^,^)/♡

I have no words to explain why this took months. I don't know, but better late than never. . .right? You probably heard this before and it won't come as a surprise but I match you with Idia (TWST) and Levi (OM!)!

When it comes to what I gathered from your personality, you probably relate to them more instead of simping but I see you with them! Side note, I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND OMG YOU SOUND SO COOL?? I ALSO WANT TO SEE THE ART PLS! PLS LET'S BE FRIENDS!

Moving forward...I see how they would both love you. You love their hobbies but understand them like nobody else. With Idia, his love for you starts when you start to open up about your hobbies. He probably starts to think about you but not in the best way at first. When he notices you like the same things but he probably wouldn't see them as a reason to get closer. He may find it as an excuse to not approach you because he's not sure if you're a casual fan or a fan-fan. Would you be disgusted with him? Find him as one of those cringe fans who bring the fandom down. Are you a casual enjoyer who wouldn't understand his passion? Though he would love to share his passion, would you look down upon him like everyone else? I'm not quite sure if I included this in my headcanons, but Idia is an observer. Which I think makes him open up to you because he can see the real you. I want to say that if we follow the story of the game, you probably don't meet Idia until after you established some friends with Ace and Deuce. He probably has some image of you already established, no doubt you're very social. When you mentioned how you were someone very shy and quiet when first meeting someone, you probably do it to be nice or at the very least, respectful. He probably sees that side of you at first and doesn't think much of it. He probably thinks that his likes and dislikes would scare you away until he overhears maybe Deuce or Ace talk, "You like that? I never would have expected you to like that, [Reader]?" That's when he gains a little boost, you like the same thing he does. Not to mention you're a shy thing, so no harm in at least trying. I think once he finally does talk to you, he can see all the unique things about you as well as how similar you both are. Idia is the same, spoilers for the phantom bride card but he hated the whole ordeal. In his vignette, the rest of the students hyped him up so much that he kinda got overconfident making everyone regret saying anything. He didn't do it to be a bitch, but rather he said it because he was comfortable around the others. Who wouldn't? So he would return that sarcastic humor. He would probably love teasing the hell out of you. Stay up all night gaming with you, exchanging messages left and right, etc. I can already imagine the list of recommendations that both of you exchange. He would love seeing your art and hype you up, maybe even propose writing a story together. Of course, this is yandere so what is yandere without the horror aspect? Idia wouldn't exactly show you off but he would be so content with calling you, his. His friend, his S/O, his partner, his gaming buddy, etc. He's not like Leona who would strut into the room with his arm around your shoulder, but he would love it when you say, "Oh yeah, sorry I can't tonight. I'm hanging out with MY partner tonight." Of course, don't tell the others it's him because right now he can't handle that feeling! He would love spending quality time, he's not at all picky with what is being done as long as it's with you. Watching anime together? Done deal. He's gaming and you're working on something else across from him? God imagine he looking up to see you so focused, he just smiles lightly at the idea of you spending time with him and then you look up and see him. His face is BEAT RED, stuttering and looking back at his PC while his headphones have his online friends yelling at him to pay attention and to assist them. He's clingy to a not-so-healthy degree and will often set up scenarios to gain pity so you have to cancel and hang with him. I want to say that while his heart cannot handle the affection IRL he would love the idea of holding your hand and cuddling against you. Imagine he's pouting because he maybe received the worst news, but you're there to comfort him? His world is perfect if your attention and affection remain on just him and him only.

Okiedoki, now Levi. They're the same but so different. As I started to play Obey me again and literally from the beginning, I love their family dynamic. Though they all love each other, they're not afraid to tell each other their faults either. I think with Levi it's no surprise that he sees himself as inferior to his siblings. I mean Mammon is scummy but he's a model. Asmo has a vlog and is well-loved even if it gets to his head. Satan is hella studious and has a temper, Belphie is just there and Beel; he has a good heart but his stomach knows no bounds. No need to point out Lucifer, he's polished and pristine, with no flaws that he can vocalize without being strung upside down.

I mean why would you want to be with him? Like Idia, when he finds out you like the same content he does he's probably on the skeptical side as well. I mean, really? Do you like that? When he finally does talk to you about it, he wants to prioritize your time. "[Reader], did you want to-? Oh sorry, you probably already have plans huh?" It's no doubt he assumes you rather want to do anything else other than be with him. When you take him up on his offer, he's so overcome with joy. A blush on his face as he excitedly takes your hand rushing to his room to do the equivalent of setting up the table but rather dinner, setting up an anime marathon. He is smitten with you, another one with a not-so-healthy clingier personality. Another one who just wants to spend time with you, it doesn't have to be anything specific either. I think as time goes on he can become confident too, sometimes even challenging you, He becomes sarcastic, occasionally laughing at memes and sending them to you with a simple "reminded me of you". I think the biggest thing is that Levi could be 100% honest with you. At first, he may not want to voice his feelings, but when you reassure him, he just lets it all out. Though Levi may not love horror himself, he loves your style and appreciates your passion as well. He thinks you're so cool and to be able to stand next to you, gosh you have ways of getting to him. He would proudly march his ass to a movie theater to watch the scariest film as long as he can hold your hand during the entire movie. Let's talk about yanderes, he's the same with Idia where he would 100% say something that forces you to drop what you're doing to spend time with him. Another is, I like to think Levi has been on some sketchy websites, spreading rumors about people who approach you. When those rumors as well as "proof" start circling, you should stay away from them. I stand by the idea that the brother would help one another to keep their S/O trapped. Levi may ask of Asmo's services when digging up gossip and possibly Belphie's to stalk the victim in their sleep and torture them from the inside. While all this happens, Levi will continue to play the role of the perfect boyfriend.

I hope you enjoyed your matchup!! Thank you for your continuous support, have a wonderful day!

#kikyan #yandere matchup #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere twisted wonderland x reader #yandere idia shroud x reader #yandere levithan x reader

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crayonflop · 10 months

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literally i feel like the older i get i'm operating at like 50% of the emotion i was in even my mid 20s i had so many feelings and was just like obsessive about things and wanted so much and now i'm so levelheaded and like cannot be bothered nothing is as interesting......it's more peaceful and healthy but also like insanely boring omg but i feel like by the time i hit 50 I'm just gonna be comatose like i'm finally mentally stable enough to do fun shit but now i simply don't care to omg brain pleaseeee undevelop just a little bit....

#girls brains at 31 like would u like to fall in love one day? no i would like to spend $100 at the grocery store and then be at home alone

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butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 1 year

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New therapist appt was the other day and I've been chewing on it ever since.

There's something about the way therapists interact with my existing/suspected diagnoses that always feels really telling and like.

I could just read the "I think you self-sabotage all your relationships" pouring off this woman the entire hour.

I....don't.

I mean. A lot of people do, it's a really normal aspect of like. 60% of mental health issues.

But that's really never been my problem. My problem is that the relationships I have are extremely limited. I could count a lifetime's worth of emotionally intimate relationships on my fingers. I also have a lot of people in my life that I know and interact with positively and care about without being at all close to! But everyone else I basically never even got around to learning their names. My relationships are actually.....shockingly stable? Most of the people I'm close to I met before leaving my undergrad program (high school/college) and there's been very little change to my social circle since then.

So like. While I get the importance of helping with this when it happens (everyone deserves a stable support system!) it is genuinely pretty unhelpful to me specifically to be treated as if that is my primary symptom needing attention. Especially on the basis of an initial session where I'm basically just rattling off my on-paper history with some more detail than the intake forms had.

I actually know how to have healthy and positive relationships and the relationships that I have in my life at this time are ones that have BEEN that consistently for me for a decade or more. What I *do* need ongoing support for is the obsessions/compulsions I've been avoiding working on for the last 10 yrs because out of everything they were the least likely to end up killing me. I need someone to assess for the possibility of ADHD. I need someone who can help me retether when my grounding/embodiment gets loose. And yeah. CBT/DBT has been helpful for that. But largely because it allows me to cope with extreme amounts of psychological stress/distress when my survival systems collapse. Not because I'm at risk of blowing up my relationships during a trigger episode. What's most helpful to me is having someone who can keep up with my own systems analysis well enough to be a genuinely useful sounding board. CBT/DBT can be a really effective vessel for that, but I've also had therapists whose primary modality was just being an anthropologist at me in a clinical setting and she was the best therapist I've ever had.

I dunno. It's just frustrating when mental health care professionals are so.....functionally off track? Like if you are focusing, as a provider, on symptoms I don't present with, while dismissing symptoms I *do* it makes me feel super not-confident in your ability to provide me adequate care. And it's like my own practice as a provider makes it that much less tolerable when my own providers are being obtuse about shit. I do actually know what I need and what my care should look like. I've been doing this longer than you, unless you're already more than 20 yrs deep into your career, so maybe take a beat to assume competence before trying to diagnose me with something no provider from my past has EVER thought I fit while suggesting my existing diagnoses, that took time and work and thought to settle on, should be overturned. The most insulting part is her KNOWING we have the same job and educational background when she made these assertions. So like. It's not even like she has an excuse for talking down to me the way she did.

"Has anyone ever talked to you about the neurological impact of early childhood trauma?"

Well maam, if the therapist who diagnosed me and took me through EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS of therapy didn't manage to cover enough of that ground, I *did* also spend 3 yrs working in the child welfare system and then took courses towards a trauma specialty certification during my masters so YEAH. SOMEONE TOLD ME.

"Sometimes we see lots of unrelated diagnoses when really it's all trauma"

Yeah, and sometimes children are born with neurological/mental health needs that predate any opportunjty for trauma and even make them more vulnerable TO that trauma when it arrives. So like maybe consider that it doesn't have to be one or the other. Maybe the other diagnoses are unrelated because they're fucking unrelated.

I wish I could say I feel satisfied with the way I advocated for myself in that session but I don't, as evidenced by the fact that I'm still rehashing the conversation 72 hours later.

I just. I don't know how I went in saying I have an existing PTSD and recent OCD diagnosis but I want to assess for the possibility of ADHD because of conversations with my wife (ADHD) and my most recent therapist (qualified LICSW) and somehow leave being told she wants to change my diagnosis to borderline on the basis of a single conversation and an introductory psych history.

It also feels super irresponsible to me given the social stigma and diagnostic stigma around BPD. Like. I have diagnosed BPD before, and you know what path I pretty much always follow? Adjustment D/o for the first 6 months of care during which we do comprehensive assessment work and some long term stabilization. Once that's in place I reassess for BPD based on symptoms I have directly observed or had reported to me. I have never suggested BPD to someone on a first appt because personality disorders are notoriously fiddly to diagnose and it would be irresponsible to try to do so without either the presence of acute and explicit symptoms or long term treatment relationships. If you're going to give a client a diagnosis that is so stigmatized within our field you better be damn sure before you ever include it on their chart. Otherwise you are setting them up for serious maltreatment within the system. And if one of your early conversations isn't then about how your client can and should advocate for themselves within the system under their new diagnosis (and the ways you plan to support them in that) you can go fuck yourself.

So yeah. I'm feeling.....anxious. about my new therapist to say the least. I'm going to keep seeing her for now. The practice itself comes highly recommended and has all the psych services I need rolled into one practice so it would be exceedingly frustrating to have to leave and I don't want to get a bad reputation by therapist hopping within the practice either. So I need to stick it out a while and see if I can make this workable. At least until end of Feb. If I get there and it still isn't working out I can let her know I'd like to go back on the waitlist for another provider. But man. It fucking sucks that she already seems to have decided on a narrative before even talking symptom occurrence patterns with me.

#mental health is weird especially when you're a mental health care provider #i'm feeling anxious and frustrated and I'm just not sure I trust that this is going to work out #i'll manage but ughhhhhh

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