#and I haven't even been there a month and I'm already the most fucking competent usher we have

[aberooski]

If I have another breakdown at work tomorrow like I did the last time I worked a Saturday I'm going to kill myself because last time I screamed in the hallway and cried so hard I was shaking because of how stressed I was.

#working at the movie theater sucks I hate people so much #I also hate that the movie theater was the best I could do even with a fucking degree because I've never had a job before #and I haven't even been there a month and I'm already the most fucking competent usher we have #i have to do fucking everything and I'm the only one keeping us on track every fucking day #also the only other ushers I actually like aren't the ones I consistently work with and tomorrow I have to work with the one that I hate #they literally do not pay me enough for this shit #anyway I'm back to considering opening art commissions becauae as I said they don't pay me shit and I really do need the extra money #also another reason I'm pissed about working tomorrow is that I have to miss christmas cookie baking at ny grandma's and that's one of- #-my favorite traditions every year. I'm actually very upset about it I might cry about it at work tomorrow. #alao they're making me come in at 10 am when all the other ushers don't start coming in until like 12 and the first theaters don't let out- #-until like 11:40 so there's literally no point in me being there that early other than to just piss me off #I'll take the extra like fuxking 20 bucka those 2 hours will get me but fuckibg seriously? I know I'm technically available- #-which is probably why but all it's gonna be is me making sure our usher cart is stocked then sitting around for an hour and a half #fuck everything #I fucking hate that this is my life this is awful #I can't have literally anything can I? #abby after dark #abby's having a crisis

[thewertsearch]

See, these three make perfect sense for Dave. We've got the funny meme troll, the funny meme troll, and the funny meme troll who's flirting with him.

TC: ArE YoU ReAdY TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF

Aradia just mentioned the 'Vast Joke', and now Gamzee is using it as part of his trolling efforts. I guess it's a part of Sburb's lore that the kids haven't yet encountered.

I doubt Gamzee will be enlightening us, though. He probably just thinks it's a juggalo thing.

TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT TC: DoInG ThAt's tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT TC: As iN TrOlLeD

It honestly takes a minute of painstakingly parsing his text to even realize that he's trolling - which means he's already succeeded.

TG: oh god thats right TG: you were the best troll

See, Dave gets it!

TG: it was months ago for me TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno TG: and then TG: you kinda got over that i guess

We haven't seen this conversation, but I could pretty much write it myself:

Gamzee raps at Dave.

Dave memes on Gamzee for being a juggalo.

Gamzee learns that he's worshipping a band from Earth, and realizes how bizarre his situation is.

Then he immediately gets over it. Because, y'know, he's stoned out of his mind.

TC: My mInD'S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT'S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe

Or not - maybe he'll sober up soon.

It'd be funny if a straightedge, post-juggalo Gamzee ended up being one of the more competent trolls - although that would mean more conversations iN HiS qUiRk, which I wouldn't exactly relish.

TC: I WaSn't tHe dUdE Of tImE TC: I WaS ThE TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn TC: BaRd oF TC: FuCk

Oh, he's a bard! Hell yeah!

Bards are my favorite D&D class. They're charismatic generalists, with a fun, musical flavor to their abilities. It's a good fit for Gamzee, too - bard isn't far from jester, which isn't far from clown.

In Sburb, I imagine that it's an oddball class for Players who don't dance to anyone's tune but their own.

Gamzee barely qualifies as a Player, and is hardly aware of the game going on around him - but I'm sure he'll have his moment to shine. It's worth noting that, if built correctly, a Bard can also be one of the most powerful classes in D&D.

TG: do you remember if you watched any videos TG: from earth [...] TG: youve got to check this out TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit [...] TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs

Dave has decided he may as well kickstart Gamzee's crisis of faith...

...and accidentally kickstarts a kimessitude that will be written in the stars.

Eat your heart out, Karkat.

#2817 #s76 #homestuck liveblog #full liveblog #act 5.2

[tihgnari]

ꕤ 28. stop being naive, ayato!

tw: mentions of classism / wc: 645

dinner alone with his mother isn't anything new to ayato, but the slight feeling of awkwardness and the pressure to fill the empty silence is always heavy on his shoulders. oftentimes he'd break the suffocating silence with small talk about business, getting his mom to talk about her impressive feats as the president and giving ayato the advice he needed to meet the same standard of business ethics as her. but tonight is not about the company nor the sky-high expectations burdening ayato's shoulders.

the metal utensils harshly meet porcelain plates. a reaction he's been expecting, but ayato winces nonetheless.

"what do you mean you don't want to marry aoki? this is your grandfather's wish. you know that."

of course, he does.

"i don't love her."

"we can attain anything in this world, move mountains with our wealth, but your idea of love and happiness is a luxury far too dangerous and hardly worth risking. stop being naive, ayato!" his mother clears her throat, reeling back her composure. "your grandfather just wants a competent spouse for you. i'm sure you haven't even spent much time with aoki, right? i heard she's an amazing girl with the same interest as you in cars. should i make the arrangements to remedy that?"

"i can't love her when i already love someone else!"

ayato has heard from many people that he took after his mother the most, a carbon copy as they playfully say… and he's sure the look of surprise on his mother's face is mirrored on his own because what the actual fuck? why did he say he loves you? does he really? or is this just another case of him getting carried away and speaking before he thinks?

too caught up in his crisis, he fails to notice his mother's change of demeanor.

his mother, kamisato kayo, mutters under her breath, shoulders deflating. "did you meet them in university?"

"yes, i did. her name's yn. she's ayaka's best friend and her secretary in the council. someone very smart and kind, she's very diligent in her work, and i feel like i'm on top of the world when i'm by her side. please, mother, convince grandfather to call off the engagement. i want to be with this person. i'm begging you."

in a low voice, she speaks. "you know what happened to your dad, don't you?"

ayato blinks confused. "yes. he died from an existing brain condition some months after you had ayaka. after that, grandfather replaced him with another man–the "father" i have now who's conveniently absent once again."

"your dad was born and raised in a middle-class family. always top of his class, that man. i even got annoyed by him because he'd always take the top spot in the rankings, but you know what they say, the more you hate the more you love and this man made me experience things i have never before.

your grandfather drilled into me that marriage was a duty, not something borne off romantic interests. but your dad beg to differ and i loved that about him, he was never afraid to speak his mind.

long story short, i pleaded to marry him after graduating and miraculously, your grandfather blessed our union.

but a love that can conquer the world is but a daydream. i underestimated the brutality of the high-class society and your father got so fed up that he said marrying into the family made him feel downright alienated, ayato. that's what he said to me moments before he died. and now, i have to live with the burden of our foolish actions when we were once young and in love.

so i ask you now, are you willing to possibly subject this girl to the same thing?"

LOWKEY » previous : masterlist : next

a kamisato ayato social media au

summary — it was only recently you found out kamisato ayaka was, in fact, not an only child after all! seeing ayato for the first time gave you the severest case of the butterflies but according to ayaka, he’s off limits, especially to you as her most treasured friend. well, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt, right?

notes — just wanna say their mom started using 'kamisato' as her surname again after their dad died and ayaka and ayato followed suit. also for the peeps in the taglist 2, pls tell me if u received a notif of the tag 🫡 thanks hehe just checking somethinggg

🏷 i. @rinrinchin @nejibot @mich-cola @viiolettee @katsumikumo @kaz3yo @starryeyedkoko @xingqiusliegee @selenshinitai @boxdisappeared @lovelyycherries @ferumie @love6cks @kiyowoir @luvvmeilin @blackberri-jelli @moonlightbqe @kazooms @tricethecharm @lynnforever @kaedear @xiaoisahawtie @crowbird @apotatouwu @xinii @euryrue​ @aequha​ @nuttytani @plinkuro @choco-rei @aixaingela @milesluvrrad @windasteriaa @cherrytomato2 @zannivrs @k4miyato @eishtar @wccycc @ceylestia @sweet-almonds @ayatobro @animewolflover278 @queenaveryrules @veyu002 @ittakestw0totango @ventis-dandelion @adeptusx @x-xxiaos @loveyoutothestars @ssalamanderr

#genshin imagines #ayato kamisato imagines #kamisato ayato smau #genshin smau #genshinimpact smau #genshin impact x you #genshin impact x y/n #genshin impact x reader #geneshin x you #genshin x reader #genshin x y/n #ayato kamisato x reader #ayato kamisato x y/n #ayato kamisato x you

[iri-scrublord]

Chill Season! 2!! Weapon Review!!!

Alright so I'm going to put my faith in the fact that this god-forsaken site is going to put most of my shit under a cut so your dash isn't inundated with my stuff, so here we go. I'll put my overall thoughts in the tags in case you can't be assed to read what's probably going to be a hell of a post.

I'm going to ramble for a bit about accessibility here so if you don't give a shit about that look for the next big heading.

If you know me at all, you know that I'm a weapons guy. I'm disabled, I've got dwarfism, which means I'm way shorter than the average inkling at 3' even. I've got shorter limbs and (importantly) smaller hands/shorter fingers than the average squid does.

Now anyone who knows Squidforce knows that at the best of times they can be kinda fuckin' ableist. Remember the fiasco with Kraken Poisoning seven years ago? Or, hell, to foreshadow my thoughts on the weapons now, the Splattercolor Screen?

I mod weapons. I do them in my garage, Mr. Grizz is my hero and role model. But unlike him, who just takes the safety off of literally anything he gets his hands on, I mod my weapons to be usable by squids with different body types (sometimes I also take the safety off for fun). And before the De-Recall era, where the pro leagues moved to Splatsville (represent), what I do was considered illegal for tournament rules.

And people are going to tell me that we have the Extra Leagues, and sure. I've participated in those. And honestly they're really cool, especially because all things considered I'm one of the lucky ones who has a splat's chance in hell to participate in Turf and Anarchy. Some squids and octos have ailments that make that literally impossible, but still want to compete. I'm not knocking the Extra Leagues here. Hell I make weapons for the damn things.

What I am saying is that I know modding weapons. I know how it works, I know how much of a pain in the fuckin' ass it is to get synergies to work right, and I lose my fucking MIND every time some drooling idiot goes "This weapon needs a Burst Bomb"

BITCH EVERY WEAPON NEEDS A BURST BOMB, YOU THINK EVERY WEAPON'S GOING TO TAKE ONE? SOME KITS ARE GARBAGE FOR A REASON

Anyway, accessibility and modification possibility are things that I rank pretty highly in weapons, and while SF's been cleaning up their act since the De-Recall FOR THE MOST PART, there's still a few stinkers in here I'm going to be docking points from.

Okay that shit's out of the way here we go.

Foil Squeezer (w/ Autobomb and Splattercolor Screen)

Right out the gate I alluded to something that I'm going to need to talk about right away. The special of this thing terrifies me. The hell was Squidforce thinking?? Sure, the structure of the thing's impressive. Throw a sippy cup and you've suddenly got a huge strangely shaped wall of liquid.

What's that liquid do? It gives you goddamn achromatopsia. Who thought this was okay??? Who the hell looked at something like that and said it was fine?? There's already been several complaints I've heard about it around my circles, and I wouldn't be surprised if this thing got banned or reworked in the coming months.

Anyway this is supposed to be about the Foil Squeezer not the Screen so.

The Squeezer is already a pretty solid weapon, two firing modes, hell of a mechanism in the thing to have two separate compartments for the different pressurization levels of the ink inside. Pain in the ass to mod. As far as kits go, we don't know how much it sucks to get the Splashdown or Screen onto them yet (haven't got my hands on a devkit yet) but autobombs are pretty reliable. In terms of synergy? You can throw the bitches through the screen to put pressure, so that's good. Pretty costly for an already ink-hungry weap, but I'll say it's decent, if with a scary scary scary special.

Nouveau's Snipewriter 5B (w/ Splash Wall and Ink Storm)

Remember when Snipewriter first came out and we thought it sucked

hahahaha

This thing's synergistic as all hell. A wall to protect it. A Storm for chip damage which Snipewriter thrives off of. And to top it off a nice red finish. I think they used a different type of wood for it too, which I can appreciate it. Softer.

Fun fact: the origin of the 5H and 5B for the Snipewriters are from the ancient rating system the humans used to use on pencils way back when. 5B uses a much softer graphite for the pencils than the 5H does - art more than writing. I'm not a huge history buff compared to some of my friends but I thought that was neat.

Anyway this weapon's horrifying but I still respect it more than the E-Liter.

Enperry Splat Dualies (w/ Curling Bomb and Triple Splashdown)

You're as beautiful as the day I left you.

In all seriousness I've got a soft spot for curling bombs. And like, not as a traversal tool which like yes it's very useful in that. I like killing with it it's fun

For Triple Splashdown...it's public knowledge that its daddy sucked. That it's one of the worst specials in history, rivalled only by the Reef Slider. So how is the Triple version? It's...

good I guess. I mean like, it's hard to shoot the guy down and not die yourself. So like that's cool. With the Enperries they've got okay synergy? I mean it's no Inkjet, but it's fun to roll in and then pop the special if you've got someone pinned up against a wall.

So like...passable! Which is good!

Undercover Sorella Brella (w/ Torpedo and Splattercolor Screen)

Alright, I'm going to address the mormyridae in the room and talk about the basic Undercover Brella kit. It's awful. Of course it's awful. But nobody really talks about why because nobody talks about the actual logistics for kits.

I kind of alluded to this earlier but one of my pet peeves is like when someone goes "bluuuh why don't they just give this burst bomb" "weh weh Inkstrike would be way better" "why don't you give this thing a wall why does it have a mineeeee"

Giving a weapon a kit isn't as simple as 'This weapon would be good with this sub and this special'. A weapon's infrastructure has to support the sub and special. Think of them like puzzle pieces - the more you try and shove the Suction Bomb piece into a Bamboozler, the more you're going to have to mod it to make it fit.

And as we've been over, Squidforce fucking hates modding.

Put more seriously, tournament regs say that for a weapon alt to be legal, the base weapon itself's gotta perform exactly like the vanilla variant. No differences in ink efficiency, accuracy, spread, ink calibre, nothing like that. So the more you mod a weapon to fit a heavy sub like a Suction Bomb, the less likely you'll get it to work exactly like the base weapon.

That being said: the reason the vanilla Undercover's kit sucks is because it's literally just an umbrella. It's not even a heavy duty one it's one you can pick up at the dollar store for 500G. Weighs five pounds at most, and they shoved an ink chamber into the shaft. Ink Mine and Reef Slider are light as hell additions, and frankly out of the ones that we've got tournament standard are the only ones I would bet you could actually be fitted onto the weapon to begin with.

Which makes the Undercover Sorella an engineering miracle. A middling, mediocre engineering miracle.

Custom Blaster (w/ Point Sensor and Triple Splashdown)

Keeping it short and simple, don't have a lot to say about this one. The Point Sensor's a good support weapon for a blaster, but makes it lack a good poking tool to make people move once they're marked, meaning you're more reliant on your team to poke for you by basically saying 'over there!' Not necessarily a bad thing, but makes it hurt for inking power.

Triple Splashdown....I dunno. I don't see anything for it? It's alright as a panic button, I guess, but the Blaster doesn't have the tools to corner someone, which is where the Splashdown excels.

Special ain't great for it, but the sub changes the weapon's role in an interesting way.

Nintendo's S-BLAST '91 (w/ Burst Bomb and Booyah Bomb)

I went off on how amazing the base weapon is on this a while ago, before I forgot to review the Dread Wringer and the Heavy Edit. I'm not reviewing those until/unless they get alt kits. Fuck you.

I went off on how tough Burst Bombs are to get onto kits a while ago, which...I mean if you asked me before this season I would have told you you were INSANE for saying that something as complex as the S-Blast would get a Burst. But here we are. Some-fucking-how Nintendo worked a goddamn miracle.

Is it effective?

...kinda? Kinda.

Booyah's Booyah, not much to say about it. It's decent on basically everything that gets it as far as I'm concerned.

Painbrush Nouveau (w/ Point Sensor and Tenta Missiles)

Painbrush is another weapon I never really got around to reviewing the base of. It's a scary thing. The Dynamo of brushes except it's actually pretty effective because it only takes a week to come out swinging instead of seven happy years of marriage. I can't imagine a time you'd actually be skating with the thing unless you're in a bad spot, and if you're in a bad spot you're dead anyway.

Unlike with the Custom Blaster, I really like the Point Sensor on this thing. Brushes are meant to be annoying little bastards, and constantly marking people with a weapon that has three times as much range as you think it does makes you the biggest little bastard on the map at any given time.

And if it wasn't bastard enough, you have Missiles for extra bastard.

Painbrush Nouveau - a weapon for the bastard in you.

REEF-LUX 450 Deco (w/ Splash Wall and Reef Slider)

*fucking chokes and dies*

Nouveau's Neo Splatana Stamper (w/ Toxic Mist and Crab Tank)

Probably one of the more interesting kits we got. The original Stamper's got the Burst Bomb and Zipcaster. And as everyone knows before the Burst got its infamous capacity nerf, this thing is FEARSOME with the damn things. So when we saw the new kit with Toxic Mist all the Burst Chuds lost their goddamn minds.

What are they going to do, give it Burst Bomb again? Get over yourself.

This version of the weapon's definitely more support based - sensing a theme with a few of the kits this season honestly - but not as much as you might think. Toxic Mist is important soft area denial, but more than that, it makes landing your Vert-Hori combo a LOT easier, because anyone moving through it will be moving slower than your vertical slash, which is saying something because that thing's nearly as bad as the Grizzco Slosher.

This leads the weapon to a much more thoughtful, methodical style compared to its hopped up brother, which I ended up really liking while testing the weapon out. You're not going to be getting quad after quad like Pro Bigboy Chara or something, but with Mist and Crab you're going to be doing your team a service by playing this weapon well.

And that's it. This is the first time I've actually done a real-ass weapon review on tumblr, so...if anyone other than Astral sees this I'll be happy.

Maybe I'll do another one next season? Who knows.

Feel free to shoot me asks or reply in the comments if you've got any questions or dissenting opinions. I love talking shop about weapon shit with anyone who isn't Astral because her opinions fucking suck.

Please someone give me other opinions to go off of I only have hers someone help

#Foil Squeezer: decent with a scary special #Snipewriter 5B: horrifying but I still respect it more than the E-Liter #Enperry Splat Dualies: passable! which is good! #Undercover Sorella Brella: an engineering miracle. A middling mediocre engineering miracle #Custom Blaster: special ain't great for it but the sub changes the weapon's role in an interesting way #S-BLAST '91: Is it effective?...kinda? Kinda. #Painbrush Nouveau: a weapon for the bastard in you #REEF-LUX 450 Deco: *fucking chokes and dies* #Neo Splatana Stamper: you won't be getting quad after quad...[but you'll] be doing your team a service by playing the weapon well.

[kaelyn-stocktonmil]

Acceptance...No Matter How Bad It Hurts...

They say there are 5 stages of grief...Denial...Anger...Bargaining...Depression...and, of course...Acceptance...

Lately...all I've been is hurt...my best friend...Abby, that's all I'll say her name is, out of respect for her privacy...though, I suppose that sort of goes out the window with this post...but I haven't got much to lose at this point...so I don't really care if she's mad at me for typing this...anyway.

We've...not been doing well. Fyre, another friend...I thought, at least...myself and Abby...for awhile, I've felt as though we'd been competing for Abby's free time...I was the one to introduce the two, because I wanted my Xbox friend to meet my best friend...and, as I'd hoped, they hit it off. So much so...they eventually started dating. I was so happy! Happy, that both Fyre and Abby had found happiness in each other! Happy, that two of my closest friends got along with each other...and then...gradually that happiness that they had, shattered...because I still wanted time with my bff...and they spent all their time with each other...jealousy, I suppose, but I never saw Abby as anything romantically, so don't get it confused...but she was like the big sister I never had but always wanted...so, of course...I wanted her attention.

Fyre and I were already experiencing a rough patch at the time...but it only got worse from there. I don't know if she was aware she was doing it...but she was...kind of controlling. At least, towards me...over time, she seemed to become more spiteful towards me...I know, I may have done some things to upset them, reading to much into things, getting upset over things that most people would probably find insignificant...I can't help that I am the way I am...I've tried to edit my behavior, to be more satisfactory so she wouldn't be mad or upset either of them...but I'm realizing more and more that I can't, because it's just a part of how my autistic brain acts and perceives things...

Eventually, I just gave up with trying to change, trying to tell them I couldn't help it...but Fyre wouldn't listen...neither would Abby...and that cut me to the core...

One night, in an effort to be more...obedient, I reached out to Fyre, asked if maybe they felt like playing Fortnite, which I know they enjoyed playing, even though whenever I played it I would get upset because I just couldn't get better at the game...I just didn't want to be alone, so I tried to do something they wanted, since Fyre was so adamant about not liking or wanting to play anything I liked...even though friendship is a 2 way street...

I was very polite about my request...and they essentially spit in my face...saying they "weren't trying to be rude, but I don't really want anything to do with you, so could you kindly fuck off"...that was the exact quote...I never messaged them back after that. That was a month ago.

...

Wanting a shoulder to lean on, I went to the only person I knew who had always listened...even when it came to Fyre...so, I took a screenshot of what they said, and sent it to Abby...more than anything, I just wanted her to make me feel better, to understand that I was being hurt more and more by our increasing distance, and by Fyre seemingly pushing myself and Abby further apart, and it may be petty of me to believe it was Fyre, but I know some of it was myself, and I tried to be more of what they wanted, but it either wasn't enough, or my brain fought against me...

I should have known she would have enough of me eventually...she messaged me back, saying that I was essentially overreacting by getting so hurt by those words, and that she wouldn't mediate things between me and Fyre anymore, that we had to figure it out ourselves, and that if Fyre didn't want to figure it out, I had to respect that...that she wanted to be my friend, but I needed to chill out...

I never responded to her...at least, not for awhile...I didn't want to say anything that I thought would make everything worse...I mean, that's all I've been doing recently without meaning to, can you blame me for not wanting to risk doing it again?

She hasn't talked to me since...even though I've reached out, apologized for being such a burden. I haven't apologized to Fyre, because I don't even know what I've done to her...and I know she doesn't care, she just wants me to leave her alone...that much I know...

I've never felt so alone and insignificant in my life. I met Abby at a bad time in my life...and she made everything better, everything seemed brighter. Even when my own mother fought against me out of fear I would be hacked or give away dangerous information that could put me in danger...It all felt worth it, and eventually she gave up, when Abby proved she wasn't some creep on the internet, and I was given permission to talk to her...I didn't have to go behind my mothers back 24/7 just to talk to my best friend...

And now? After, what...10, maybe 12 years, I don't even know, I've lost count...everything my mother feared came true...just not in the way she thought it would...but I did end up getting hurt irreparably in the end...

For the past month of January, I was in Denial, telling myself that we'll bounce back, just like always...I was Angry, at myself for fucking everything up AGAIN...just like with my past best friends...I've only had 2 before her...I Bargained with myself by reaching out, praying for an answer...and I've been Depressed through it all, but even more-so when she never responded...we've never gone this long without talking to each other...that's how close we are- were...

And now? After my mother asked if Abby had talked or reached out to me anytime recently this morning...and I said no...she apologized...and I said "It's fine." She responded with "No, it's not." Knowing it wasn't and seeing right through my mask that I wore, so I wouldn't cry in front of her...she said she'd been through it as well, with my Godmother, who is now miles away in another state, with an asshole of a boyfriend, that she only stays with because she believes she can change him...and while they still talk now...it still hurt my mother...

More than anything...we both lost our sisters...and more than anything, we were hurt, and we missed them...I still do...

But when she hugged me...telling me that it's a part of life, and that I'd be ok after awhile, and that she'd always be there for me...

I suppose Acceptance clicked into place, as I hugged her back.

I didn't cry. I didn't want her to know just how much Abby had hurt me, how deep she'd cut me...how a part of my heart will always be missing as a result...but now?

As I'm typing this, the tears are flowing, and it's all I can do to not sob for a years long friendship...amounting to nothing.

I've accepted that Abby is done with me...I unintentionally pushed her away, because of who I am...because of WHAT I AM.

Because of how my brain works...and while I know that was never her reason, it very well may have been Fyre's reason, because she always wanted me to do things her way, to change how I act to her liking...and I foolishly tried, at least for a little while...until I realized I not only couldn't change anything, but that I was hurting myself trying in the process...

I was never good enough...never obedient enough, for Fyre to want to put up being my friend...so I'm done trying. Done getting my heart hurt by a person I once considered my friend...

And if Abby doesn't see it...doesn't care, to look...then all I can do is respect her wishes...

And to @abbyvolleyball09...if you see this...I wish you and Fyre the best...I'm sorry I was such a burden to you...and I'm going to miss you and the good times we had more than anything...

And, @cosmictyto, I know you'll see this...I just want to thank you for being so kind to me during this hard time...I've been needing a shoulder to lean on, and you have graciously been that shoulder.

I'm glad to say that I can say I at least have one friend to see me through this darkness...even if the darkness is the pain of accepting a former friend no longer wishes to be friends...

#five stages of grief #acceptance #cosmictyto #AcceptanceIsPainful #Don'tLetAnyoneTellYouIt'sEasy #BecauseIt'sNot #InFactIt'sProbablyTheWorstStageOfGrief #GodDamnIt #I'mCryingAgain

[theyonegurl]

(TW at the end, mentions of cutting, suicide, abusive parents.)

Ah yes, Trauma!

I've really wanted to talk about trauma recently – I've been going through some family bs – and haven't really had the chance to word vomit anywhere. So Tumblr it is... the end is just my experience but I wanted to make sure everyone was up to speed.

What is Trauma?

So I'm just gonna start with what the definition of trauma is. I found a couple things so I will just list them out.

Trauma is a response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event.

This event overwhelms a person and can cause them to feel physically threatened or extremely frightened.

A traumatic incident can cause physical, psychological, emotional or spiritual harm.

Some examples.

So we've covered what it is basically now about what a traumatic event could be. These can range from a multitude of things.

Natural disasters (Tornado, flood, tsunami, etc.)

Physical assault

Sexual assault

Death of a parent or caregiver

Hospitalization

Emotional Abuse

Neglect (or the opposite side of the spectrum Golden Child Syndrome.)

There are many more than just these. I found when looking up what some examples could be.

Percentage of trauma.

About 70% of people have gone through a traumatic event in their life. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they will be affected by it long term or at all.

Some people only have symptoms that resolve in a couple weeks.

Some people don't have any symptoms.

Some people have long term effects from said trauma.

Childhood trauma.

22% - 48% of youth are exposed to trauma. That's way too high in my book. As a person who realized how much childhood trauma could affect someone, I sincerely wished this number would be lower.

People who have childhood trauma may develop what is called, " a heightened stress response."

This can affect their ability to regulate their emotions.

They may have troubles sleeping. Have problems with emotional health or physical health.

Troubles with relationships and etc.

It just sucks in general.

TW ⚠️This next part is my own trauma. This is me venting/sharing my experience TW ⚠️

I have really wanted to talk about my own experience – partly to vent – I want it out there so I can relieve some of this weight I carry. If I could help enlighten someone or help someone going through similar experiences then I would be putting my trauma to use.

Parents suck...

Well at least mine did. All of my trauma was from them. I'm glad they don't know my Tumblr because I'm about to spit some facts.

Them.

My parents are fucked up. My dad was in the military – already some trauma there – and wasn't even supposed to live because his brain was messed up.

His parents weren't great. My dad seems to have adopted a lot of traits from his dad – who is abusive to my grandma. My dad most likely abused my mom and vise versa. They were a match made in hell.

My mom is an alcoholic that won't admit she's an alcoholic. She grew up with an alcoholic of a mother that probably killed my mom's brother because she was drunk – this is all based off what my mom has told me.

She was exposed to trauma at a young age. She got in fights – did stupid shit – almost didn't finish highschool. Met my dad and had children.

I never understood why.

They screwed us over.

It's okay to have trauma.

But then push it on your children?

It's sad that the person you're supposed to rely on the most just throws you away when you're not necessary. That when you mess up they get to tell you it's all your fault – when you're just a child.

I was forced to play a sport competively when I didn't want to for three years (four of those months I had mono, I was so tired.)

I was berated when I made any mistake. I dropped a glass plate that was in the microwave. (My dad cared more about the plate than me stepping on glass. I was eight.)

My mom always talks about how much we cost her. Groceries, clothes, doctor appointments, braces, glasses. (I didn't ask to be born. You had a child, why is that my fault?)

I was always mentally abused by my father – as was my sister. He was always right. He got to raise his voice; you had to sit and take it. When he was in a pissy mood we had to walk on eggshells around him. He decided when a fight ended. We were always wrong. We were too young and didn't know what we were talking about. (Why do you get to decide what's right and wrong? I'm only a child, I believed you were amazing...)

My dad was diagnosed with dementia. Now I have to live with him longer because we feel bad for him. (He makes me feel like trash, why do I have to deal with this?)

I always thought my dad was "real." He didn't fake liking things for us like other people's parents. He told me straight up what he thought. (He wasn't real, he was a narcissist. He didn't care about us.)

My mom wasn't in the picture much. She treats us – her children – as competition. If we like something she starts doing it. She makes us uncomfortable, tells her friends things we don't want her to tell, if she feels threatened.

I never got to be girly. My dad believed in purity culture – even if we didn't realize it. Dresses are ugly, and feminine. If it's feminine it's bad. I thought I was cool because I was a tomboy. I was only molded into believing that. (When I saw girls at school wearing leggings or short shorts I was envious. I would only look ugly in those.)

I thought I had social anxiety because my head was screwed. I was just made different. (My sister told me how much my dad would overexagerate my mistakes. Everyone said I was so friendly and bright as a child. Why would my parents damage me like this?)

Hearing foot steps makes me anxious. My dad would always come upstairs when taking me to practice. (I never wanted to go. I would rather get hit by a car. I wanted it to happen.)

I cut myself when my dad was gone, only once. I wanted to believe I would never do something like that. Cutting was edgy and something people do when they want attention. (Not when you're faced with the choice to make the hurt go away. Not when it's threatening to swallow you whole. It hurt. A lot. It was a only small nick. I felt so good, my anxiety just went away. I felt amazing. I felt so guilty though, I ended up calling my sister. She drove an hour and a half for me. She genuinely loves me.)

I finally got out. I live with my sister. I still feel guilty for leaving them. For when my mom would come home drunk, cry on me, plead with me not to leave. For my dad being all alone with no one to be there for him. Sometimes the guilt consumes me. I feel like a shitty child. (It's not my problem though. They are adults. Why do they get to act like children. Why did they have to break me?)

There's so much more. But I don't remember it. I don't remember my childhood at all. I have horrible memory. "It's the trauma." I joke. (But it's true. I always coped by forgetting. Sometimes I'll bring something up and my sister will be confused. It's a fake memory. It never happened. I forget days as they're happening. I don't remember what I did yesterday. Why can't I remember?)

All these things contribute to the trauma I have endured. Trauma other have also had to endure. I wished people never hurt their kids. Not just for my sake but many others. Friends and family that have had to deal with this.

I don't know how to end this off. So have a gif of an adorable cat.

Help is always near. Even if it's a stranger.

If you want to read up on childhood trauma.

#mental instability #mentally ill #toxic relationship #toxic household #abuse #toxic people #purity culture #anxiety #depressing post